Eyes Wider Than Before
by double scotch.single malt
Summary: Meredith and Derek centric fic. Early S3. Modified AU. A story of strong love and deep connections and unbeatable passion, each so intrinsic that merely surviving alone is no match for the true power of "them". Start reading and you won't want to stop!
1. Chapter 1, Heartbeats, Meredith Grey

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al. **

**Eyes Wider Than Before**

**This story is based on one of my most favorite songs ever by one of the best most soulful artists and lyricists out there today ... Scott Matthews. If you have not listened to this song or have never heard of him, take a listen, anywhere you can ... you just might melt right out of your skin. **

**Until about the midpoint of this story, each chapter has only TWO parts ... one from Meredith's POV and one from Derek's POV over the SAME moment in time. Thereafter the chapters are longer, many with three or more parts.**

**Also, each chapter of this story has its own song inspiration, but the main ideas in this piece of fiction reside in the lyrics from this song. **

**Lyrics: "Eyes Wider than Before" by Scott Matthews:**

Oh Lord, a distant beam of light  
The jab of neon floods my weary eyes  
It illuminates my soul, is on fire  
I'm heading your way with the traffic on my side

Remember how it was before  
Just a minute away, I'll be knocking on your front door  
Don't underestimate this precious time  
Every second is treated as though there is no time

Your eyes are wider than before  
So little has changed  
But your eyes now see much more

Hush, now sway and fall asleep  
Gonna drive you away from the trampling of bustling feet  
You can lose your troubled thoughts for tonight at least  
You can wake in the morning, feeling that you can breathe

Little darling, you're mine for tonight  
Your mellow and tender soul is hard to find  
From you I draw no doubts deep inside  
I surrender myself to your presence and peace of mind

Your eyes are wider than before  
So little has changed but your eyes now see much more  
So much more, so, so much more  
So much more, so much more

**Chapter 1 – Heartbeats**

**Likewise, take a listen where you can … Jose Gonzalez's rendition of Heartbeats is beautiful. Here are the lyrics:**

One night to be confused  
One night to speed up truth  
We had a promise made  
Four hands and then away

Both under influence  
We had divine scent  
To know what to say  
Mind is a razor blade

To call for hands of above  
To lean on  
Wouldn't be good enough  
For me, no

One night of magic rush  
The start a simple touch  
One night to push and scream  
And then relief

Ten days of perfect tunes  
The colors red and blue  
We had a promise made  
We were in love

To call for hands of above  
To lean on  
Wouldn't be good enough  
For me, no

To call for hands of above  
To lean on  
Wouldn't be good enough

And you, you knew the hands of the devil  
And you, kept us awake with wolf teeth  
Sharing different heartbeats  
In one night

To call for hands of above  
To lean on  
Wouldn't be good enough  
For me, no

To call for hands of above  
To lean on  
Wouldn't be good enough  
For me, no

**Chapter 1 – Heartbeats – Meredith Grey **

Meredith Grey turned the scalding hot shower off and stood still for a moment in time. A new day was upon her, the sun had just broken over the horizon … just a few more days to convalesce now. Her heart raced … _just slow down_, she coached herself. She watched the steam flourish and float off of her pink skin into the dim steamy air all around her. She focused – _envisioning her pain, allowing it to float up and out of her soul and into the atmosphere_ – but it was no use, it was still lodged deep within her core. Her heart was on fire as her skin continued to burn. Her heart beat on and on – _thump, thump, thump_ – as she closed her eyes and saw Derek's handsome face, still etched with pain and uncertainty.

She reached out beyond the shower curtain – _her flesh puckered against the colder air_ – she quickly pulled a clean towel down from the rack. She draped it over her shoulders and gingerly leaned down to pat herself dry – _paying close attention to the small new scar on her abdomen – _so far it was healing as expected; at least she could count on that.

She wrapped her hair in that towel and grabbed another one for her body. Steam continued to rise from her glistening shoulders as she carefully stepped from the warm porcelain tub onto the cold tile floor. She took two steps and turned to face her reflection in the small vanity mirror … _she was muted and fuzzy, much like how she felt at that very moment._

_She could easily disappear. _

_Meredith grabbed the hand towel from the edge of the sink and swept it across the mirror with haste to find a more clear vision of herself – she looked fine, healthy, good as new on the outside, all stitched back together – but little did the naked eye reveal that on the inside she was falling apart. Her skin was nothing but the tissue holding the fragile pieces of her physical existence together._

_For she was broken – the hairline fracture in her heart she had learned to live with since Derek went back to Addison had officially cracked open – and now she was as good as dead, lonely, crestfallen and bitter. _

Her reflection became blurred again as unshed tears welled in her eyes … could this warped new view of herself be the new _"her"_? Just when she thought she couldn't shed another tear, she blinked and that new collection premiered along her flushed cheeks, pain seared her broken heart once again.

_Damn, she sighed, secretly wondering what her mother would say if she saw her now. It wasn't hard to imagine, for people always seemed to have a lot to say about Meredith Grey. _

_People would say she was as strong as she was weak in the same breath. _

_People would say she was a scrappy fighter, and given her childhood of abandonment, she wouldn't disagree._

_People would say she was a good woman who fell in love with the right man at the wrong time. _

_People would say she hit ground zero the day she put her hand on that bomb._

_But Meredith Grey knew better._

Because this was far worse than that, for she knew she was at the edge of oblivion – _but she had little desire to turn away from it_ – she would rather lean into it at this point. Yes, it was true; she could easily step off and let herself be forgotten. _Disappear back into that sea of everyday life._ Just go with the tide – _the natural ebb and flow_ – seeking solace from the masses of nameless and shapeless faces at Seattle Grace and the world at large.

_But Meredith Grey knew too much … far too much to do just that._

As she wrapped the damp towel around herself and exited the bathroom, she knew what she had to do. _She had to get her affairs in order._ She crossed the room to her dresser and dropped the towel. She quickly pulled her panties and a pair of jeans on. She released her hair from the second towel, it fell to her feet. Dismissing the idea of a bra, she slipped her favorite cashmere sweater on and heaved a sigh.

_She had to walk away, now that he had walked away … again._

Yes, she had to walk away – _and God knows_ – it would be hard. _She knew that much._ It would be easier to stay put and go through the motions just like she had since Addison showed up. _She could put up that front … the brave 'they can't break me' front … again._ Hell, she was groomed for that! Yes, staying would be easier because lets face it – _according to most, it suited her_ – for she was the classic underdog, she was the one with the crises of hope … _the heroine in the backward fairytale who was likely never to wake up to find her prince._

_And perhaps their timing was destined to be … off, her timing with Derek. Maybe they were destined for single nights of magical rushes and simple touches … never fated for more. Tears pooled again in her tired green eyes … no, this time she had to break away. _

Meredith bent down gently, wincing at the pain radiating from her healing flesh before she picked the towels up and added them to her growing pile of laundry. She put a brush through her hair, _glad to feel that at least her new conditioner was doing the job._ She grabbed her cell phone and crossed the room, the floor creaked under her trivial weight and she found solace in the predictability of hearing those familiar sounds. She opened the doorway and peered down the length of the dim hallway, it would seem she was alone.

She padded down the hallway now, slipping carefully by Izzie's room, for she hadn't been sleeping much lately as the idea of losing Denny slowly became her reality. _Meredith sighed inwardly, not much about that situation could have ended well … and now it seemed they all had to deal with the fallout._ She made her way down the steps and rounded the corner to the kitchen – _it still smelled like a bakery down here_– a welcome odor that somehow began to overpower the clinical hospital scent that seemed to follow them all home.

Meredith made some coffee and surveyed the muffins at large, Izzie was on auto-pilot and no one seemed to be able to stop her – _Meredith looked over this morning's selection and decided on the most simple one she could find_ – she grabbed a small plate for that, prepared her coffee and exited the kitchen to sit in the living room and make her calls.

She set the plate down on the table in front of her and held her coffee mug, _secretly hoping to would heal her cold heart_; she took a sip, no such luck. She put the coffee cup down and stared at her cell phone. It taunted her … daring her to think about what kind of mess she was about to get herself into with the call she was about to make. She held the phone out and scrolled through her address book looking for the number and without another thought she pressed '_send' _on her desired contact.

She listened to the brill of the ring, _thinking she could hang up_, she could still undo what was almost done – _but something told her not to_ – some other force permeated through her and she stayed on the line until the serious no-nonsense voice of Patricia, the Chief's secretary, flooded into her ear.

"Patricia, this is Meredith Grey calling. I was wondering if the Chief had any time in his schedule for me," she said into the line softy.

_And so as Meredith set up her appointment with the Chief, her heart beat wildly in her chest chanting – live, go, live, go – and she found herself mercilessly repeating that all too familiar mantra in her head …_

_What did I do, what did I do, what did I do?_

**Chapter 1 – Heartbeats – Derek Shepherd to follow. **


	2. Chapter 1, Heartbeats, Derek Shepherd

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al. **

**Author's Note: Recall that each POV for each chapter spans over the same moments in time. Here's Derek's part to get you started on the continuity of the story. **

**Chapter 1 – Heartbeats – Derek Shepherd **

_What did he do, what did he do, what did he do?_

That burning question would not stop replaying in Derek's head. He had berated himself since he left Meredith alone –_whole, but in no way healed_ – in her hospital bed after her surgery. It was the hardest thing he had done in a long, long time. _He barely wanted to do it at all … he would have much rather crawled into her bed with her and soothed her while she soothed him right back._

_But he couldn't … so he dared himself to let go of her instead._

For Meredith Grey did not need Derek Shepherd – _she needed someone who could give to her freely_ – and not just take like he did. _She needed to be cherished … and deep within his heart; he felt Finn would do just that._ For Finn had been thrown into oblivion and lived to tell about it – _he__ wasn't lost like Derek was_ – he had come through to the other side and was ready to be found.

_He__ was ready for Meredith. _

Derek sat now on a small boulder at the edge of the clearing where he had buried Doc only weeks ago. Just weeks ago he had taken Meredith with all he had in the exam room at the makeshift prom – _take, take, take_ – there again all he did was take pieces of her and he didn't know exactly why.

Or maybe he did, _in this one case, he did, _he took that particular piece of her – _her womanhood, her sex, her secret lust_ – because he was scared. Fear crippled him when they were fighting and he just couldn't stand the looks sadness and self-loathing in her deep green eyes. _It ate him alive to know he was the cause for that pain._ And yet he loved Meredith. And he just didn't know of another way to show her – _so he kissed her and she kissed him right back – _and it was like no time had passed_. _Everything was aligned and beautiful in that stolen moment and it was _almost_ perfect, yet somehow not even close! Because as much as he wanted – _no __craved__ Meredith Grey _– he really wished he was _free_ when they took each other that night.

_And so did she – Derek could see it in her eyes – that she had let her guard down for that precise moment to connect with him. And for as long as he lived, he would never forget that tormented, angry and foreboding sea that was wedged deep within her eyes as he entered her awaiting depths. He would also never forget how mystified he was as he watched that storm recede while she clamped down on him with all of her might. She swallowed him whole, taking everything he had as he slipped in and out of her in perfect harmony. It took everything Derek had not to devour her – hold her captive – for he had waited so long and she was so patient with him and so forgiving … so very giving. _

His heart ached now and even thinking about it made him lonely and desperate – _a strong contrast to the feelings of love and relief_ – that had consumed him in the days that followed their tryst.

It was true, he loved Meredith; he was deeply enthralled with her and finally made it real when he told her that much the other night. _So why couldn't he give more? _Perhaps because in all the time he had known Meredith, he had never once been – _truly_ _free, both legally and morally – _to give himself away to her in mind, body and spirit.

He looked down at Doc's grave. His chest tightened just thinking about her cherished savior deep within the earth now – _Doc was a good dog _– and Meredith was wrong, he was her dog more than he would have ever have been Derek's. The gravesite became blurred as thick tears clouded Derek's vision – _burying Doc here, on his land_ – was one of the only things Meredith ever asked Derek to do for her. She gave so freely and barely asked for anything in return_ – except for maybe a pure heart _– and in that department Derek had failed her miserably.

He held his head in his hands now as his heart clenched wildly in his chest, taking on a different beat all together – _the panic attack on the rise _– as he looked down and pushed his foot through the fresh earth and wrestled with his decision once again.

_What the fuck had he been thinking?_

_Had he gone stark raving mad?_

_How could he trust himself to ever live without Meredith Grey?_

He couldn't. He knew it would be hard … but what do they say, _'if it isn't hard, then it isn't worth it'_, or something like that. He was barely able to survive without her when he tried to make his marriage work and now, now that his divorce was imminent and Meredith was with Finn and he had walked away again – _he had no choice but to face his demons – _and try to overcome the chokehold of self-loathing that somehow cloaked his spirit.

_And he would face those demons, and over time; somehow he would be released from bondage … from his soul-tie to Meredith Grey._

At least he could find some echelon of comfort in trusting himself to walk away and allow her to find some peace and happiness, even if it meant he wasn't part of it. Because he just couldn't stand the thought of breaking her again. For he had rationalized his actions many times over since he left her – _by walking away _– he was allowing her the opportunity to find everything she ever wanted and ever dreamed of from her life.

Derek sighed and stood up, taking a short walk down to the edge of the water. He shoved his cold hands in his pockets and watched as the morning mist burned off the lake there. The water shimmied with life from beneath its surface … no doubt schools of trout were moving upstream. The birds began to call to one another now, Derek craned his neck up and squinted into the gray sky … life was popping all around him. _He took a deep breath of the clean, fresh, organic, salty air in the hope of cleansing his spirit, but it was no use._ He had just seen the end of the sunrise, just the way new life bounced off the lake should have given him renewed hope – _but instead it offered nothing_ – because everything was bleak, broken and without promise. _He held no joy in his heart, only shame … only pain._

_How would he ever come back from this?_

_(He had no one to trust.)_

_How would he be able to face Meredith at work __without__ someone by his side?_

_(He found comfort in knowing she was still convalescing at home for the moment.)_

_How would he ever be able to live alone?_

_(He would learn to trust himself.)_

He raked his hands through his hair as he contemplated his predicament and had no choice but to hope that perhaps over time Meredith's happiness would ease his pain and solitude. _He shivered, the cold air whipping up and all around him now. _With that, he turned his back on the lake, bypassed Doc's grave and headed towards the solace of the trailer.

_What did he do?_

_He let her go. He set her free … in mind, body and spirit._

**Chapter 2 to follow.**


	3. Chapter 2, The Wind, Meredith Grey

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al. **

**Author's Note: Thanks for the warm welcome. I hope you continue to follow this story. The song inspiration for this piece was the lovely ballad called "The Wind", from Cat Stevens, if you have the capability to listen do it. If you haven't followed my stories before, the music is really part of the chapters, so I urge you to look the songs up, you might love some of the selections as much as I do. **

**Chapter 2 – The Wind**

**Lyrics for "The Wind" by Cat Stevens:**

I listen to the wind  
To the wind of my soul  
Where I'll end up well I think,  
Only God really knows  
I've sat upon the setting sun  
But never, never never never  
I never wanted water once  
No, never, never, never

I listen to my words but  
They fall far below  
I let my music take me where  
My heart wants to go  
I swam upon the devil's lake  
But never, never never, never  
I'll never make the same mistake  
No, never, never, never

**Chapter 2 – The Wind – Meredith Grey**

Meredith toyed with her travel ID tags, twirling them in her slender fingers, as she tried to focus on what she still needed to pack. It was getting late and she was tired and sure she would log enough air miles tomorrow for some heavy sleeping, but just thinking about all the sitting and all the waiting made her tired and restless all at the same time. She was already dressed for bed and could leave her toiletries for the morning, so this was pretty much it. Thankfully she was a light-packer to begin with so the whole ordeal was actually pretty easy – _but she didn't want to forget anything either_ – it wasn't like she could just pop down to the neighborhood pharmacy once she got there.

Snapshots of the images she had seen – _despair, trauma, filth, pain, death_ – flurried through her mind then and effectively stilled her aching heart. _In a strange way, it made her feel better somehow_. And this is why she knew leaving was the right thing to do – _for her and her heart to survive_ – she needed to leave.

She sat down on the edge of her bed and looked around her room, she loved this room. When she first came back to Seattle – _she didn't know how to call this house her home_ – it was simply her mother's house. In the weeks before her internship started she spent many nights alone – _just watching the shadows dance along the walls_ – her mind almost always moved to her mother and Meredith wondered if she watched those very same shadows.

_Her mother had also worked at Seattle Grace as a surgical resident … no doubt she might have stayed up late at night and watched those shadows too._

Meredith reached over and attached the travel tags to her large duffle suitcase. She supposed at the time, it was a coping mechanism; _a small way to bond with her ailing mother_, who had all but disappeared into the abyss of her disease. It was the reason she decided to move into her mother's old room in the first place … she was desperately seeking solace, connection, a shelter from the storm of her life.

_And now that shelter had all but vanished, the cover had been blown right off and she was back at ground zero … only this time was she unable to feel at home at all, even within her own skin._

She felt smothered all of a sudden so she crossed the room and pushed the window up and leaned into the fresh nighttime air like she had done many times since Derek had left her. _For the solace she once felt in here was replaced with deep-seeded remorse, self-loathing and pain. Nothing but painful memories of making love with Derek resided in this room now._

_For months she tried to free her mind, body and spirit of him … but nothing worked._ He was around her all the time, saying things. Day after day she stood by and took it – _his misery, his wife, his life without her in it_ – and once she arrived at home, the pain was only worse for he lingered in her room, her secret place … holding her captive against her will.

Meredith pushed herself away from the window and crossed the dimly lit room to her dresser. She took the last stack of lightweight tee shirts from the middle drawer and carefully added them to her bag. Tears formed. She took a deep breath and let her mind go to that place – _that night in time_ – she so desperately tried to avoid.

_Her mind wandered and her heart fluttered at the thought of how they took each other at the prom. Because in that stolen moment of time, relief had consumed her as she realized it might truly be over – the pain, the waiting, the wondering, her inability to really commit to Finn – it was all over for the both of them. For she felt that connection she so desperately missed and needed and so did Derek … but she was angry at herself and at him too, for being weak and reckless and unkind to Addison and Finn. As much as she wanted Derek, she never wanted to hurt anyone else in the process._

_Small tears crowded in Meredith's eyes, even thinking about it now, even if he hadn't walked away from her again, she felt it might remain one of the more defining moments in her life … if she let it. If she let it, it could consume her – the guilt, the shame, the raw beauty – of that night. If she stayed around, the guilt and shame she felt over her actions and the embarrassment of Derek leaving her yet again would surely eat her alive … and she wasn't about to let that happen._

_So in the end, she would do exactly what her mother did – she would leave instead – she wasn't running, she was leaving._

_Was this how her mother rationalized her decision too?_

_Knowing what she knew about tormented souls from growing up with her mother, Meredith realized that every move from this point forward had to be made with herself in mind first._

_She came first._

_She wasn't running – she would not allow herself to forget about her deep love for Derek – it was just that she wanted to survive it._

_If it wasn't meant to be, she needed to come to terms with it … and she would. Over time. _

She heard faint footsteps, again finding comfort in the familiarity of the sounds of her home, and then a light knock at her door. Meredith crossed the room and opened the door to find Izzie.

"Hi," she said softly, her blond hair in a messy ponytail, her baggy clothing somehow dwarfed her. "Almost done?" she asked.

"Just about, come in," Meredith said, stepping aside.

She turned to Meredith, a small smile played along her lips. It was one of the only times she had seen Izzie smile since Denny had died. _Meredith knew Izzie had a long road ahead of her, but she also knew Izzie could overcome this, over time – time to heal – it was all anyone really needed._ Izzie sat down in the deep chair next to the window. She pulled her feet up and under her large sweatshirt. Meredith sat down on her bed across from Izzie and smiled.

"You don't have to do this, you know, I'm gonna come back eventually, we could hide together," she offered softly. "Money's never meant anything to me," she added perhaps to prove she was serious.

"I can't go back," Meredith sighed. "I have to move forward and so do you Izz," she counseled her lost friend.

_Meredith's heart thumped away in her chest – she had to move on – that's what this whole mess had proved to her because maybe if she had let go to begin with, she wouldn't have felt so defeated by it all – by the choices she and Derek made – both together and apart from one another. She had no choice but to leave. _

"I know you're right, it would just be more fun if you were here," she said, chuckling at her joke, although her sad blue eyes betrayed her.

"You'll be fine eventually, just cash that check or something, close it up," Meredith offered. "You're stronger than you give yourself credit for, _you know that_, you just need a moment and I know what that's like," she confessed softly.

George appeared in the doorway. "Hey, Izz, the timer went off on the oven, it smells good too," he said with a smile. He had a handful of pretzels and popped one in his mouth, before stepping into the room.

"You bet it does, _chocolate cake_, I better go," she said as she stood. George ate another pretzel. "Meredith, I'll wake up to see you off," she said, her tired eyes scanning back and forth.

"Sure thing," Meredith said. "And Izzie, you _are_ strong and that won't ever change, _I mean look at you … _you worked hard to get here, to be a surgeon, _you're still you, you just have to get back to the game_," she encouraged.

Izzie smiled, her eyes darted to George, he chuckled and then she exited the room. Meredith squeezed the sides of the duffle together and zipped the top with satisfaction before she turned back to George. He handed the last pretzel to her.

"Thanks," she muttered, taking a bite. "So what was _that_ all about?" she asked.

"Oh, I pretty much told her the same thing earlier," George said, before he sat down on the edge of the bed. "She's worried about you now," he said softly, catching Meredith's eyes with his soft brown ones.

"I wish she wouldn't," Meredith sighed, plopping down onto the bed next to George, their shoulders touched.

"You know I actually think that's a good thing, _you leaving_, it'll be a distraction for her, something bigger for her to worry about," he chuckled.

"Hmm, do you really think that people should be worried about me?" Meredith asked, nudging George with her elbow, unsure of whether she wanted to hear his answer.

George sighed, chuckling. "You wanna know what I really think Meredith?" he asked, turning to her. He paused for a moment, Meredith sighed. "Remember I told you once, that after all the shit you had been through, that you should get points for just breathing," he said, looking down at the floor.

"Yeah, I remember that George," Meredith recalled, her old aura of misery radiated all around them for a split-second, they both felt it.

"Well, I don't want you to be that woman anymore, you deserve more and you … you should go find it," he said, fixing his eyes on hers for a moment in time.

"Thanks George," Meredith said with a small smile.

_And as he continued to look at her, a long shadow crossed over his face and it aged him somehow, it somehow made the child in him vanish. And even though they had apologized to each other for what had happened between them (many times over by now), it wasn't until this precise moment that Meredith felt they had truly turned the corner and George was her friend again. They sat together then – both deep in thought, both unwilling to move_ – _both completely startled when Alex walked into the room._

"What's up?" he asked the room at large. "Izzie told me to tell you there's cake," he said from his place just inside the doorway – _always an outsider looking in_ – it seemed. He held a book in his hands and his eyes flickered to George's.

"Ooo _Izzie-cake!_" George said gleefully, _the child had returned._ "Meredith, I'll be up for my shift when you leave tomorrow, so I'll see you then," he said, his eyes catching hers before he slipped out of the room.

"So you and O'Malley again?" Alex teased. "Waste of a good woman if you ask me," he shook his head, taking George's place next to her on the bed.

"You're funny," Meredith glared with a knowing smile.

"So, I got this for you," Alex said, handing Meredith the book. She smiled then, her face lighting up like a thousand candles as she looked down at the book.

"Wow, thanks, _'__The Official U. S. Army __Survival Handbook'_, just what every girl needs," she teased.

"You never know Grey, this'll be useful and _you don't know what you're getting yourself into_," he cautioned.

"You don't think I'm strong enough for this?" she challenged, her heart racing now … surely Alex would be able to see the underlying worry deep within her green eyes.

"Oh no, I think you are," he reassured. "I _know_ you are, I just …," he paused, turning into her slightly, patting the book. "Seriously, this will be good to have and you'll survive this and then you'll come back," he said with resolve.

"Thanks Alex, for saying that," Meredith said as she stood.

She skimmed her eyes along Alex's for a moment, he looked just how he always did … _honest and_ _dependable and reliable._ She crossed the room to her bedside table and lay the book down. She opened the drawer there and pulled an envelope out. She held the envelope close to her belly as she crossed the room again, her hands shaking just enough to betray her confidence. Alex sighed; he seemed to catch her angst.

"Could you give this to Derek for me?" she asked, her voice shaking now just like her hands. She sat down next to him, laying the envelope across her thighs.

Alex looked up at her. "Wouldn't you rather let Cristina handle this – _or Izzie_ – I um …," he shifted uncomfortably.

"No, I wouldn't," she whispered, she took a deep breath. "I want him to actually get it," she teased and they both laughed.

She was quiet for a moment, trying to steady her heart before she spoke again. _It's only Alex, she reasoned. _ _Surely she could say this out loud to him._ She ran her fingers over the simple scrawl of Derek's name – _back and forth, back and forth_ – thick tears blurred her vision, but she willed them away before they would fall and smudge the ink.

"Alex," she pleaded softly. "I trust you to give this to him because _I know that you know_ how big it is for me to still love him – _we're the same Alex, you and I – we don't fall in love, we don't … we don't weaken ourselves_ …," she said, finding it hard to keep her voice steady. "We survive," she said.

"You love him," Alex said, more of a statement of fact than a question, he held no judgment.

"I do," she admitted, barely above a whisper, for his ears only.

"And it hurts," he said.

"Like hell," she finished his thought.

"I know, but you'll survive," he said confidently.

"And so will you – _you stay in this house Alex_ – do you understand, when I'm gone. She'll make her way back and you'll be here," Meredith said softly.

And suddenly, just like that, they weren't talking about themselves anymore. Alex took the envelope from Meredith's hands, perhaps knowing she would have a hard time giving it up – _and knowing the small sliver of herself that lay sealed within that envelope_ – she was happy he did, for everything she needed to say to Derek Shepherd was folded neatly inside.

Alex stood up and Meredith followed suit. He pulled her into a tight hug. "You call if you need anything," he said, just like a big brother would. "Day or night Grey, I have your back," he said over her shoulder. Meredith pulled away first, she smiled.

"Thanks for the book," she said sincerely.

"Don't mention it," he smiled at the doorway. "Stay out of trouble," he added and then he passed through the doorway of her room and slipped into the hallway carrying her heart with him in his hands.

Meredith sighed. She crossed the room, took the book from Alex and slipped it into her oversized carryon with a smile. _Her eyes briefly fell on the large envelope she was so desperately trying to avoid, yet ironically found herself hopelessly preoccupied with._ Her smile faded – _tomorrow she told herself_ – tomorrow would come soon enough and the envelope and all the wrath that came along with it would be opened. _Tomorrow. _

With some effort, she moved her duffle to the floor next to the door. It landed with a deafening thud. She flipped the light switch off and left her door ajar for Cristina. She would come after her shift this morning and take Meredith to the airport. With that thought, Meredith climbed into her bed, rolled over and hugged her pillow.

_She closed her eyes on the faux-solace of her room and relaxed. She listened to the wind whip outside her window and was lost within her mind in an instant. She heard the fateful call of the nightingale and was calmed and lulled with peace by the dark serenade. She let all the tension she had been harboring melt within her body and she set herself free._

_You can do this, you can break the chain and survive, the nightingale sang to her._

It was true, she could do this. She had done everything she needed to do to make this happen – _to give herself a second chance, a clean slate, a final break_ – and now all she needed was time.

_Time to sit back and wait …_

_Wait for the sunrise tomorrow …_

_Wait for her soul to be found … _

_Wait to reclaim the life she had lost somewhere in between finding and losing Derek Shepherd. _

**Chapter 2 – The Wind – Derek Shepherd to follow.**


	4. Chapter 2, The Wind, Derek Shepherd

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al. **

**Chapter 2 – The Wind – Derek Shepherd **

Derek awoke with a start, no differently than he had every night since he walked away from Meredith. His heart pounding out of his chest, his veins pulsing with adrenaline, his brow soaked with sweat, his scream filling the trailer in the middle of nowhere.

_The nightmare was always the same. Derek stood in the deserted Gallery overlooking the OR. He had his hands pressed against the cool thick glass, his forehead resting between them as he peered down to watch Meredith's appendectomy through the intermittent fog of his breath on the window. Dr. Bailey stood facing him, she glanced up and nodded, his heart shook in his chest as she made the first incision._

_His woman, his love, his life was open on the table._

_Cut open._

_She was vulnerable._

_And so was he._

_He watched as Dr. Bailey asked O'Malley a question. Derek kept his eyes trained on his back as O'Malley reached in to clamp the cecum. And that's when things spiraled out of control. The unexpected alarm of Meredith's monitors shocked everyone in the OR into action, and in that moment, Derek became more of an active participant in his dreamscape nightmare._

_In an instant he was hit with a barrage fragmented images and sounds, snapping now like shutters of a camera – click, click, click – they flooded Derek's every nerve-ending with tension and adrenaline! _

_O'Malley's hands soaked in Meredith's crimson blood. _

_Dr. Bailey's alarmed eyes, the muffled tension in her raised voice through her surgical mask._

_The Chief barging into the room. _

_Meredith's lifeless body on the table._

_The pang, pang, pang of her screeching monitors._

_Too insane to think, Derek pounded on the thick glass in front of him. The muted noise of his hands as they slapped against the cold glass was all Derek could hear over the Chief's muffled barks! Derek finally engaged the speaker, his mind was racing … would he lose her before they started this thing again … a life without her simply was no life at all!_

"_WHAT'S HAPPENING?" Derek screamed into the speaker. _

"_IT'S AN AIR EMBOLUS, WE'VE GOTTA GET HER OPEN!" boomed the Chief._

_Without thinking, Derek stumbled out of the Gallery and ran! It was likely she would be stabilized by the time he got there, but he couldn't take that chance. So he ran! He careened down the hallway and pushed his way into the stairwell. And he ran! His heart rate accelerated and his blood pressure bubbled over like a forgotten pot of boiling water on high heat._

_Derek barreled down the steps – it was only one flight – but he felt like he was running in circles, like he would never get to her in time! Suddenly he rounded the edge of the last landing and could see the final steps, but he slipped and fell, plummeting into the shadows of the stairwell and the deep recesses of his subconscious all at the same time! And then all was shapeless and hollow and he was falling far below into the devil's black lake … and that's where the nightmare ended._

_He always woke up screaming Meredith's name._

Just thinking about it now, his heart was on fire – _thumping wildly in his chest_ – beads of sweat covered his brow, except that he was chilled to the bone. _Yet another reminder that he was indeed alone._ The worst part about the nightmare was that it lacked a conclusion. And even though it was only a nightmare it was a hard prospect to swallow – _to know that she might have perished in that space of time_ – and that he wasn't there to see her through. Of course each night he tried to stay with it a little longer, just to make it in time to the OR …but he never did … _he never could run fast enough. _

Derek closed his eyes once again and focused on his breathing, forcing himself to make shallow big breaths to steady his aching heart. _But it was no use, he was up._ He rolled over and peered at his bedside clock – _it was just after midnight, he had been asleep for less than one hour_ – and he still had time to get some rest if he could coax himself back to sleep, _right now_. He rolled onto his back and closed his eyes once more. If he slept, he would be better for tomorrow.

_Tomorrow loomed in the not too distant future now._

_Tomorrow he and Addison would finalize their divorce._

_Tomorrow he would see Meredith when she finally returned to work._

_Tomorrow night maybe the dreamscape would dissolve for good, knowing Meredith was safe and sound._

_Tomorrow he would be free._

_Tomorrow he would be alone._

And that was the tomorrow that had him scared shitless – _the one in which he ended up alone in front of everyone _– when all he really wanted to do was …_run and hide. _

Except that he had already tried that … _running._ And that was no good either. Because in the end, running away from New York only prolonged the inevitable … dealing with Addison, his eventual divorce, his run-ins with that bastard Mark Sloan. _All of his demons chased him down anyway. _If only he dealt with it like a man in the first place … he wouldn't be in the predicament he was in now.

_If only_ should be his new mantra.

_If only_ he had severed ties with Addison in New York.

_If only_ he had moved to Seattle as a free man.

_If only_ he hadn't deceived Meredith when he first met her.

_If only_ he wasn't such a coward.

_If only_ he wasn't such a taker.

_If only._

With this ugly range of thoughts volleying around in his head, there was no hope for sleep at this point … for he had grown accustomed to these late night sparring sessions with his subconscious and Derek knew he wasn't going to be the winner. _So he opened his eyes to the reality of his life instead. _Derek pushed himself up and leaned against the headboard, the trailer was dark and he was alone. Doc wasn't there talk with any longer and Addison had moved out weeks ago. _All he could hear was his own raging heartbeat and the low growl of the wind as it passed back and forth all around the trailer. _

He stared out into the meager space around him, his mind on fire now – _blazing with contempt_ – for all the pain and despair he had caused both Meredith and Addison with his decisions … his deceit. Sure, it helped (_in some bazaar alternate universe_) that Addison had betrayed him first, but technically he was an adulterer now – _not a sociopathic one like Addison_ – but really, he was no better than she. It was also true that Addison had shamed him first and when she showed up in Seattle, he really wanted nothing to do with her.

_But then Bonnie got impaled on that fucking pole in that horrific train wreck and she asked Derek, of all people, to deliver her last words to her fiancé. She haunted him that night … 'if love was enough,' she said … even thinking about it now made him sick to his stomach. And after that, that very night, Derek became terrified that this strange, powerful, all-consuming love he had for Meredith … was somehow not enough._ _That she wasn't enough._

And yet, he knew that she was … deep down Derek knew he wouldn't have been able to live without Meredith. _So he became a coward in the name of their love instead, because he was afraid to take the leap._ _He was afraid to open himself up to the idea of true love and soul mates._ In the end, he cauterized the gaping hole left behind by his soul and he tried to heal it by somehow giving his marriage another chance … to somehow redeem himself and make good on his vows because he could never give _Meredith_ what she so richly deserved … _the love of a pure heart._

_Derek leaned over and flipped the light switch on, his heart raced with that admission. Because he really did want Meredith, still. But he felt somehow after his lies to both her and himself that he would never be enough for her … and that was his real deep-rooted fear. How would he have ever been enough for her? He knew it was going to take time and strength to come to terms with leaving her again, but it would worth it because he would feel somehow blessed that he would not be the cause for her pain ever again. _

He felt smothered all of a sudden and thought some fresh air would do him good – _after all what was this land for_ – if not to crystallize his mind in the middle of the night. _Hell, he moved out here for clarity, maybe now he would actually find some. _He swung his legs over the side of the bed and lay his feet flat on the cold floor. He rubbed his hands over his face, stood and crossed the room; he grabbed a pair of socks and an extra fleece pullover. He walked – _putting the socks on one step at a time_ – before he slipped the fleece over his head and grabbed a wool cap. He took a deep blue cashmere blanket from the small sofa and headed outside.

He stepped over the threshold of the warm trailer and into the cold, crisp, dark Seattle night. He sat down on one of the Adirondack chairs and covered himself with the blanket. He took a deep breath of the air – _any attempt to quell his racing heart would be made _– but it was no use, random thoughts flurried through his mind now with no end in sight.

_What would tomorrow hold?_

_How would he make it through alone?_

_How in the world was he going to survive it at all … without Meredith?_

_Derek closed eyes and listened to the sounds all around him – Mother Nature at her finest – without interruption, for he was a captive audience and somehow she knew that. He was calmed; the nightmare had receded like the water after a storm. The wind moved over the clearing; his mind rolled over Doc for a split-second and his heart sank – lower, lower, lower – until he hit ground zero._

_Then, as if on command he heard the nightingale's predictable serenade and he focused on that instead – for it pulled him from the deep recesses of his depression – and as he listened he suddenly didn't feel so lonely. He sighed into the cold night air; the wind whipped up and over him and a small smile formed on his tight lips as he pressed them together. _

_He supposed over time he would heal, just like a patient after surgery, for time heals all wounds. And maybe once he grew from his mistakes he would be able to find some facet of joy in his life again. Yeah time, it was all anyone really needed. _

_Derek just needed time._

_Time to adjust to being alone._

_Time for the nightmare to dissipate._

_Time to be free. _

_And time to figure out how he'd lost everything in between finding and losing Meredith Grey._

**Chapter 3 to follow.**


	5. Chapter 3, Every You Every Me, MG

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al. **

**Author's Note: If you are reading this story, please comment, it would mean a lot to me. Thanks. This song "Every You Every Me" is a terrific song for this chapter, I remember when I was writing this, I must have played it a thousand times. Look them up on youtube if you have a chance. **

**Chapter 3 – Every You Every Me**

Lyrics for Placebo's, "Every You Every Me":

Sucker love is heaven sent.  
You pucker up, our passions spent.  
My hearts a tart, your body's rent.  
My body's broken, yours is spent.

Carve your name into my arm.  
Instead of stressed, I lie here charmed.  
Cuz there's nothing else to do,  
Every me and every you.

Sucker love, a box I choose.  
No other box I choose to use.  
Another love I would abuse,  
No circumstances could excuse.

In the shape of things to come.  
Too much poison come undone.  
Cuz there's nothing else to do,  
Every me and every you.  
Every me and every you,  
Every me...he

Sucker love is known to swing.  
Prone to cling and waste these things.  
Pucker up for heaven's sake.  
There's never been so much at stake.

I serve my head up on a plate.  
Its only comfort, calling late.  
Cuz there's nothing else to do,  
Every me and every you.  
Every me and every you,  
Every me...he

Every me and every you,  
Every me...he

Like the naked leads the blind.  
I know I'm selfish, I'm unkind.  
Sucker love I always find,  
Someone to bruise and leave behind.

All alone in space and time.  
There's nothing here but what here's mine.  
Something borrowed, something blue.  
Every me and every you.  
Every me and every you,  
Every me...he

Every me and every you,  
Every me...he (x4)

**Chapter 3 – Every You Every Me – Meredith Grey **

Meredith sat comfortably in her first class seat on board the vast Boeing 777. As the plane ascended swiftly into the air, she pushed herself back into her seat – _crouching there yet again,_ _hiding in midair, suspended in time from the disaster of her life_ – while on her way into an even bigger one. She closed her eyes to brace herself for the inertia that came with taking off and without warning those haunting images of disaster filled her mind again. She was instantly stuck within the thick tar of her stymied thoughts – _there was no power great enough to physically move her beyond those images_ – and truth be told, she didn't want to be moved.

_She saw nothing but death and disease, raw beauty, poison, bruised and broken people … bright green flora marred with pain and deep crimson blood, guts with no hope or glory in sight. _

She opened her tired eyes for a momentary escape and visualized the dreary Seattle day she left behind just four hours ago. The life she just left seemed so simple all of a sudden. _She felt that all-too-familiar pang of insecurity then – but she swatted it away with the back of her hand – there was no turning back now, she silently chastised herself._ She looked down at her watch, which she had already moved to the next day and above and beyond the International Date Line and wondered what was really in store for her and how she would learn to cope with it all. She smiled tightly to herself and marveled at her good fortune in having an empty seat beside her. Thankfully there was no one to feel obligated to speak with or make meaningless small talk with, because lets face it, she wasn't in the mood for talking of any kind.

She closed her eyes again as the plane reached a midpoint for a cruising altitude. She swallowed hard at the plateau and popped her ears. She felt good about how she left things; she didn't feel like there was anything she missed … _except for Derek._ Meredith took care of him in the only way she trusted herself to, he would have her letter and she felt oddly at peace about that. It would be the last piece of herself she ever planned on giving him – _and it was a huge piece_ – one that hopelessly belonged to him anyway.

Meredith sighed; she allowed Derek's deep blue gateways to fill her mind now – _they overshadowed the nasty images of disaster for just a single moment in time_ – and then she cringed inside at her weakness to let him still have a hold on her. _Damn him!_ She was already thousands of miles away from him, although in body only it would seem. Meredith hoped her mind and spirit would soon follow her lead and that eventually she would be freed from her emotional bond to him enough to live freely away from him. Tears covered her eyes beneath the thin layer of space under her eyelids now as she began to berate herself once again.

_Why did he consume her the way he did? Derek managed to crowd every space within her body, every crevice, every orifice – every new cell that was formed – every part of her seemed to belong to him and she had to wonder … would thousands of miles be enough? Would there ever be enough space between them to afford her some peace of mind?_

_The fire in her heart smoldered, gathering heat, crackling with smoke as she stewed in her seat and let herself become engulfed in the flames of sorrow and anger and misery and loneliness! _

_It was possible she just wasn't enough for him in the end and that would have to be okay with her._

_She would have to learn to live with it and allow time to heal her; maybe time would heal him too._

_She had no choice._

_He took her damn choice away from her!_

_God, when was she ever gonna learn!_

_She had to let him leave her in mind, body and spirit, he had his reasons!_

_He had his reasons!_

_She had to leave him behind too. _

_Her heart trembled now – black, hot, charred – on her innermost realization: it was true, we can only help ourselves._

_We can't help who we love … we also can't help who we don't._

_Except that deep down Meredith knew something didn't quite fit with that ideal because in some crazy alternate universe, she would swear on her mother's lucidity that Derek Shepherd loved her still but that he just wasn't strong enough to admit it. Damn him! Why couldn't they just love each other within the same space of time?_

Those unwanted tears slipped from beneath her eyelids now and she let them fall, cascading down her face like mini waves of a tsunami, she left them there to recede into the deep creases of her neck. Because at long last she had no reason to hide her pain – _for it was as real as anything she was about to see once she got to her destination and that was exactly what she wanted_ – to suffuse herself with a pain greater than her own so she could finally move on.

Meredith opened her eyes and blinked ... back to reality. Her mind instantly moved on to her conversation with Cristina as they waited together for her flight this morning. She felt comfort in knowing her friends would be where they were – _that nothing would change drastically for them_ – that she could see them in her mind's eye when she thought about them. _And they could do this, she and Cristina, they could do this together … lean on each other for support without seeing each other every day._ It would be hard though because Cristina was the closest person to a relative Meredith had ever known. Cristina toed the line somewhere between her mother _with her insane desire to be the_ _Queen of all Things Surgical_ and the sister she never had. And with that in mind Meredith felt confident that Cristina would benefit immensely from the medical care consortium they had established for her mother.

With help from the Chief, Dr. Bailey, the nursing home and a very expensive trustee lawyer, Meredith appointed joint medical power of attorney privileges to Cristina and Alex believing that they wouldn't make any urgent medical decisions regarding her mother's care without arguing their respective positions to death. Of course Meredith knew she would ultimately need to _save her mother_ from the two of them if she was in need of urgent medical care, so she asked Dr. Bailey to supervise and be the final vote when it came down to it, which isn't really a far cry from the role Bailey seemed to play within the institution of Seattle Grace anyway.

***

"_Are you sure about this?" asked Cristina softly as they sat at the international departure gate waiting for Meredith's flight._

"_Yes," Meredith answered, although her heart shook in her chest._

"_You could change your mind, no one would think any less," she said without judgment. _

"_No, I can't, you know that," Meredith answered, looking through the window wall in front of them – she caught a glimpse of her reflection in the thick glass – she turned her head to avoid it._

"_How is this gonna help you? And I know I sound like a broken record, but I just want to understand," she said, no sign of emotion cracking her porcelain veneer, except that her eyebrows were pinched together above the bridge of her nose. _

"_What if you needed to feel like you mattered?" Meredith asked, her voice trapped in her throat, her mind rolled over Derek._

"_You matter Meredith, just because Shepherd doesn't see it, doesn't mean shit," she chastised._

"_I know that … but there's more out there, there are people who are devastated, people who have been forgotten and I know what that feels like and somehow this is gonna change who I am, somehow this will make me feel better, it will dwarf my pain," Meredith replied evenly._

"_Well Snow White, I hope you know what you're doing," she conceded sarcastically and then turned to Meredith. "Just do one favor for me okay," Cristina said seriously._

"_What's that?" Meredith asked, turning to her friend._

"_You know in the movies how there's always the heroes and then there's the other person? You know the one who sees danger and runs in the opposite direction?" Cristina whispered._

"Yes and I know, I know … be the one who runs away," Meredith answered, remembering Cristina's words to Burke in the OR that day with the bomb.

"That's right, just be the other person, just run, just keep running and then come back," she said, the pitch of her voice, desperately high. Her words hung in the air for a moment.

"_I will, and you'll visit my mother, while I'm running around saving myself and other people in the process," Meredith replied, trying to lighten the mood. _

"_Your mother and I will be tight by the time you come back," she offered with a sigh, unable to hide the concern in her eyes. _

"_You promise you'll let me know if you grow tired of that favor, 'cause I know it's huge."_

"_Yeah it is, but she's a legend and she happens to be your mom, so I really can't," she smiled. "It just doesn't work that way, plus you would do it for me," Cristina teased._

_Meredith turned to her then. "You've met your mother right?" she asked, teasing right back._

_Cristina just laughed. "Match point," she said without another word on the topic. "So, do you know where to go once you get there?" she asked, her tone serious again._

"_Yeah, they gave me a number to call and then someone will pick me up and I just go from there," Meredith shrugged._

"_Well, I hope they know what they're doing," she cautioned. _

"_I'm sure they do, I'm sure it'll be fine," Meredith said, trying to allay both of their fears._

_Meredith's flight was called. The two friends stood. Cristina took Meredith's bag and they walked slowly to the line of people who had already gathered around the gate._

"_You'll use that calling card voicemail thingy when you get there?" Cristina asked._

"_First thing. I'll even call it when I land in Hong Kong before my last flight," Meredith offered._

"_Okay then," Cristina acquiesced. She handed Meredith her bag. "Hug me, I know it goes against my moral code, but we can overlook that this one time," she said, her face finally cracking, her resolve weakening._

_Meredith hugged the fragile body of her otherwise tough-as-nails friend and before a single tear could fall, she extricated herself and turned into the moving line. She turned back one more time, pushed her hair behind her ears and smiled. "Don't call me, I'll call you," she said, laughing at her stupid joke. _

_Cristina smiled tightly – a strange looked crossed over her face, one of extreme worry or doubt – it was so intense, Meredith thought to go back to her. Something was on her mind, but before Meredith could move, she turned to walk away, back into the thick crowd and her life and job in Seattle. While Meredith turned towards the gate and became lost within a new crowd of the nameless, shapeless faces she so desperately needed to live amongst in order to survive._

***

Turbulence jarred Meredith from her distant thoughts, pulling her back into the reality she had created for herself. Pain radiated from her abdomen – _the small incision pulsed from her sedentary state_ – and she knew would have to get up and stretch soon. But first, she wanted to test her resolve. She wanted to ensure that she was in this for the long haul … that she wouldn't get off this plane in Hong Kong and run away from the final flight that would take her to realize a soul's worst nightmare.

_She needed to come to terms with what was only a half a day away now. _

So she reached over to that empty seat and opened her large carryon bag. She smiled when she spied the survival book Alex had given her and thought to pull it out instead, but forced herself to reach for the file she had tried to avoid submersing herself in since she had gotten it in the mail from the Los Angeles branch of _Doctors Without Borders _just days ago. She pulled the large envelope out of her bag and gripped the edges with her fingers before she placed it on the small tray table in front of her. She switched her reading light on and pressed the call button for the steward. She could hear very little over the pounding of her heart as it lurched up into her throat and effectively lodged itself there.

_What had she been thinking … doubt once again filled her up._

Quite literally on cue, Daniel the steward materialized from the darkened aisle within a few seconds. Meredith smiled weakly and scanned his tired weary eyes.

"Sorry to bother you," she said apologetically.

"Not a problem, what can I do for you?" he asked with a small smile. Reaching up, he pressed on the small yellow button, releasing the call.

"Just a bottle of water with maybe a glass of ice," she requested with a smile of her own.

"Sure, would you like anything to eat?" he asked. "I have some fruit," he offered, the ever-ready host.

"Okay, that would be nice," Meredith smiled and he was on his way.

Meredith pulled the extra tray table out of the arm of the other seat and took a deep breath to still her wild heart. _Of course_ s_he didn't even have to open the file again to see the dark images her mind had already catalogued a million times over … but somehow she needed to, for this was the point of no return. She opened the top of the envelope and pulled the file out. _Only now would she allow herself to truly absorb the horror within.

_She swallowed hard, resting her hand on top of the file cover. The devastation was so unimaginable – she didn't even have the balls to show her friends what she was up against – for fear they would finally come to realize how desperate and dark and hopeless she really had become! But now that she was on her way and there was no turning back, she had no choice but to immerse herself in her assignment and what would become her life for the next three to four months._

Daniel came back as Meredith stared at the dossier in front of her, she didn't dare look away from the cover as he placed the water and ice and fruit on the tray next to her. "Thank you," she muttered softly.

_But in truth she was a million miles away_ _completely lost within the sounds of the turbine engines rushing her towards utter destruction and the pounding force of her own heartbeat as it pumped on and on and on._

She heard Daniel offer a closing greeting; she looked up briefly and smiled slightly. He left her then; disappearing into the dark shadows once again … she was finally alone.

She turned her attention to the file, running her fingers along the bold typeface of the letters – _back and forth, back and forth_ – towards the point of no return. She read the words on the cover.

**Personal & Confidential: Dr. Meredith Grey**

**Tsunami Relief Mission**

**Island of Bali, Indonesia**

**Village: Negara**

_If she opened this file and all the rage within it … it would become her life and she would become part of something bigger than herself – something bigger than her love for Derek Shepherd – which was exactly what she needed. She needed to feel strong; she needed to regain control of her life and destiny … she needed to let herself come first. So this experience would become her destiny, one which would help her feel proud and capable once more. It was also scarier than hell, but she would gladly take the fear of the unknown over losing herself again. _

_Sure, she could count to three first … but counting would only take up space and time and prolong the inevitable._

_Instead she smiled ever so slightly, took a deep breath and opened a new, even more horrifying and devastating chapter in her life._

_And it felt good._

**Chapter 3 – Every You Every Me – Derek Shepherd to follow.**


	6. Chapter 3, Every You Every Me, DS

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al. **

**Author's Note: If you are reading this story, please comment, it would mean a lot to me. Thank you for the love Lola … it means more than you know … and Levy, don't stop commenting … please ******

**Chapter 3 – Every You Every Me – Derek Shepherd**

_Derek stood facing the hospital daring himself to go inside and meet his fate. Ironically, he stood perfectly still now – like he was stuck in tar or quick sand – just waiting to move on._

The damp air hung all around him and somehow pushed his already heavy spirit further down into his core. His heart thumped wildly in his chest – _bang, bang, bang_ – but he had no desire to slow his rhythm down. For his beating heart only confirmed that he had indeed survived. He had just come from the divorce attorney's office where his meeting with Addison went better than expected. So far so good – _he couldn't believe it was over_ – although the minute he found himself thinking things like that, he realized how long ago their marriage had truly ended. So now all he had to do was walk through those doors and tackle that last insurmountable hurdle … seeing Meredith Grey as a _free_ man.

_Free … he was basically free. _

_Free from the misery._

_Free from the hidden contempt._

_Free from his poisoned heart. _

_Just free to be free._

And this moment was not drastically different than he expected it to be … so now all he had to do was come to terms with his feelings for Meredith and work it out and grow the fuck up! He would have to sit on the sidelines alone and watch _her_ this time – _the only major difference was that unlike Derek_ – Meredith _wanted_ to be with Finn.

The familiar ugly pit of his ulcer rankled around in his belly and Derek's breathing became shallow and fever pricked his skin under his coat – _he felt awful, sick, woeful_ – talk about psychosomatic symptoms … just one step forward would make it all the more real. But instead of moving, he let his bag fall to the ground and unbuttoned his coat for relief. The cool air seeped into his bones and he shrugged his shoulders in defense. He shivered in response to it all.

_Damn it! Get your head on straight Shepherd, he silently rebuked himself. This was all on him, all of it was his fault … this could have been over months ago; he could have been happy or happier if he just hadn't run away from his problems. He should feel relief at this moment, but instead he just felt sick to his stomach with grief. He could not move … he was stuck._

What he said to Addison earlier was true – _he had a relationship with Meredith_ – he had fallen deeply in love with her and never wanted to look back – _and he still doesn't, to this day_ – for his feelings have not changed. But by taking responsibility for his part of the broken link in the chain of their marriage, Derek would somehow move on and grow up and out of the miserable hole he had created for himself. He would own up to his mistakes now and start over – _give himself a clean slate_ – and try not to hurt anyone else in the process. He would see Meredith was happy and he would feel redeemed in his decision to walk away.

_Finn is the better guy. Finn will make her happy. Finn is the better guy. Meredith will be happy._

If he repeated all that enough times maybe he would actually be able to believe it, maybe he could even live with it. _Derek shifted on his feet and fought the urge to throw up … because truth be told, just thinking about Meredith with Finn made him queasy._ But the thing is, Meredith liked the guy, she liked him enough to keep him around. The fact remained that Meredith felt Finn was a viable candidate and deep down, so did Derek. Of course, he had already come to terms with his decision – _but it was just right now, in this moment of time, standing here, stuck in the tar and unable to move forward_ – that he really wished he was in a position to start over with Meredith because he was finally _free_.

_And that meant something … it would have meant something to them. It would have meant something if the love he had for her, the faith in his love for her was enough – but it wasn't – because he just couldn't trust himself with her. _

Derek stared at the sliding doors of the hospital – _open, shut, open, shut_ – and was somehow lost within their movement for a brief moment. He had to test his resolve somehow; he had to move himself inside – _open, shut, open, shut_ – he had to just rip the Band-Aid off and _see_ Meredith in the flesh. _He knew she would take his breath away, for she always did, but he needed to get it over with and just get it done._ Once he saw her – _even one time_ – he knew things would either be easier for him or harder than hell. But the only way to find out would be to move. He shifted on his feet but then stopped.

_Open, shut._

_Move on. _

_Go inside._

_Open, shut. _

_Start his day._

_Save a life. _

_Open, shut. _

_He was free._

_He was alone._

_Open, shut._

He kept his eyes trained on the door for a moment longer, before he sighed and leaned down to grab his bag. When he straightened up he saw Alex Karev walking towards him. He looked like he was a man on a mission, he walked with purpose, he could have been going anywhere, he could have been coming to Derek about a patient – _but Derek knew better_ –and he felt any resolve he had in him weaken with each step Karev took.

"Dr. Karev, what can I do for you?" Derek asked nonchalantly, hoping to God this had something to do with a medical emergency.

"She's not inside," Alex blurted out; he sighed heavily, taking a step closer to Derek.

"Excuse me?" Derek said, feeling bewildered by Alex's choice of words, he felt like he was sucker-punched.

"I saw you, from the window wall and I was waiting for you to come in, but I have to run labs and so I came out here," he paused and pulled something from his lab coat pocket. His eyes found Derek's.

"Meredith's not in there, she asked me to give this to you," Alex said, holding a small envelope out for Derek to take.

_Derek took the envelope and looked down to see his name written neatly in the middle of the envelope in Meredith's recognizable handwriting. Derek held the envelope, feeling the gentle groove in the card stock with the pads of his fingertips._ _Tears pricked his eyes – his name became fuzzy – his heart clamored away in his chest, pain seared his muscle and he was a goner._

"What is this?" Derek asked quietly, afraid of any answer Alex might provide.

_The fire smoldered deep in Derek's core again. _

"How should I know, Meredith gave it me so it must be intense – _if she can't say what's in there to your face _– then, well, you know," Alex stammered.

_In no time, his heart was engulfed in flames. _

"Well, where is she?" Derek demanded cautiously, his blood pressure starting to rise. His bag fell to the ground again. He held the envelope.

_Heat singed his skin._

"Look dude, I can't tell you that," Alex said sincerely, Derek knew his hands were tied.

"Well when is she coming back?" Derek tried again.

_Flames licked his face._

"I can't tell you that either," Alex replied – _his face strong, lean, mean, he was the quintessential playground bully_ – which only fueled the fire within Derek even more.

"Stop being so fucking elusive and tell me what you know!" Derek said loudly, taking a step closer.

_A second fire smoldered in Derek's belly and his ulcer began to shout out pain. Meredith, what have you done? _

"Cool your jets dude, I'm not doing it on purpose!" Karev said stepping even closer. "Meredith's one of my people okay, _she never asks for anything_, and you know that," Alex breathed, catching Derek's eyes with his. "I can't just give it up because you're whining about it!" he said seriously.

"Look, all I want to know is if she's alright, okay? Did she run away?" Derek asked, his voice nothing but an echo inside his head now. "Did Finn go with her?" he pushed; bile rose in his throat.

_Oh God, he was gonna be sick._ _What did he force her to do? He felt sick with worry._

"Finn?" Alex asked incredulously. "Seriously dude?" he added. "She broke up with Finn, right after you left her!" Alex explained harshly.

_His chest tightened … he left her and she left Finn. Meredith, what does this mean? _

"So she's alone. _Somewhere._ And you can't – _no_ – you _won't_ tell me where she's gone?" Derek seethed.

_The pain from his ulcer radiated out and attacked him … he was burning alive. Meredith, where are you?_

"I won't. And you should give up – _because no one will give her up_ – she's gone dude, face it … _own it_," Alex said with an authoritative tone, before he turned and started to walk away.

"You let her go? Just like that?" Derek called after him, his voice softer then. Alex stopped and then turned around.

"NO, _YOU_ DID!" Alex growled, challenging him with his angry eyes.

_Derek could only look back at him; he silently acquiesced. His heart was in shambles – teetering on the edge of giving out – he was a wreck. He walked away thereby letting her go … literally. She was gone and he had no idea where she was! And in that moment he noticed that Alex's gateways could easily haunt him – angry, sad, miserable, helpless – it was a lot like looking in a fucking mirror. Alex broke their connection after only a moment._

"Take care of that letter, it's basically her heart," Alex warned before he turned to go inside.

Derek stood in his same spot and watched Alex retreat back into the hospital – _open, shut, open, shut_ – and then he was gone. He grabbed his bag, spotted a nearby bench and quickly went to sit down. He dropped his bag yet again and held the envelope in his fingertips. He let his heart rhythm slow down and tried to think clearly … tried to make sense of it all.

_As Derek sat there he ran his thumb over her delicate scribble and smiled, ever so slightly at his memory of Meredith and marveled at how she never ceased to surprise him with her strength and character and valor and intricate layers. All of the reasons he loved her so. Tears pricked his eyes – his name became blurred around the edges – and he blinked those tears away before they had a chance._

_He smiled again and pulled himself up; he took a deep breath and realized he felt proud of Meredith. Although in this defining moment Derek also knew he was just as guilt-ridden as he was proud. And that shadow of guilt, uncertainty and concern covered him like a heavy wool cloak now. His heart clenched over this new myriad of thoughts and emotions. He felt worried for Meredith, and not because she was somewhere all alone – hell, she was the strongest person he knew – but because he knew first hand that running away never solved anything … it only prolonged the inevitable. _

_And in that moment, that very second, Derek had an epiphany of sorts – it hit him, the meaning of those words – and only then did he truly smile._

_Running away would only prolong the inevitable …their inevitable reunion._

_She could run and so could he … but they would never be able to truly hide from one another or their feelings for each other. _

With that, Derek had a searing thought fill his mind and soul and everything in between – _this thing between them wasn't over, not by a long shot_ – and as much as he wanted to rip the seal of this envelope and read what was sure to be Meredith's eloquent goodbye – _he couldn't, the hopeless optimist wedged deep within him wouldn't tolerate it_ – not yet, not until he knew for sure that he was destined to start a new chapter of his life without her.

**Chapter 4 to follow.**


	7. Chapter 4, Easy Silence, Meredith Grey

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al. **

**Author's Note: If you are reading this story, please comment, it would mean a lot to me. So here's the deal, I like the Dixie Chicks … but I love this song, it is my second favorite tune of theirs and it was something that was beyond perfect for this chapter, hopefully you'll see what I mean. Take a listen if you have the means. **

**Chapter 4 – Easy Silence**

Lyrics for the Dixie Chicks, "Easy Silence":

When the calls and conversations  
Accidents and accusations  
Messages and misperceptions  
Paralyze my mind

Busses, cars, and airplanes leaving  
Burning fumes of gasoline  
And everyone is running  
And I come to find a refuge in the

Easy silence that you make for me  
It's okay when there's nothing more to say to me  
And the peaceful quiet you create for me  
And the way you keep the world at bay for me  
The way you keep the world at bay

Monkeys on the barricades  
Are warning us to back away  
They form commissions trying to find  
The next one they can crucify

And anger plays on every station  
Answers only make more questions  
I need something to believe in  
Breathe in sanctuary in the

Easy silence that you make for me  
It's okay when there's nothing more to say to me  
And the peaceful quiet you create for me  
And the way you keep the world at bay for me  
The way you keep the world at bay

Children lose their youth too soon  
Watching war made us immune  
And I've got all the world to lose  
But I just want to hold on to the

Easy silence that you make for me  
It's okay when there's nothing more to say to me  
And the peaceful quiet you create for me  
And the way you keep the world at bay for me

The easy silence that you make for me  
It's okay when there's nothing more to say to me  
And the peaceful quiet you create for me  
And the way you keep the world at bay for me  
The way you keep the world at bay for me  
The way you keep the world at bay

**Chapter 4 – Easy Silence – Meredith Grey**

Meredith landed at the Denpasar airport on the small island of Bali, Indonesia at 9:00 AM local time, she counted back in her head – _it would be 8:00 PM the previous night in Seattle_ – which meant that her internal time clock was officially wound the wrong way. _Jet lag, it was gonna be a bitch._ She had only one day to get situated and take it all in before she would report to start her mission. Meredith sighed with relief as she stood up from her seat – _the arduous journey was over_ – except in truth, she knew it was just about to begin.

_The easy part was over – butterflies fluttered deep within her belly – she felt excited or nervous or maybe just nervously excited … either way, she felt different already._

A fine layer of dew sheathed her instantly and her alabaster skin pricked with sticky heat – _but it wasn't from the nervous excitement of it all_ – for the humid air of the tropics had filled the airplane cabin even before they landed. The closer they had gotten to touching down, the warmer and more stifling the air had become. She was thankful now that right before they began their final decent, she quickly changed into a pair of long board shorts and a fresh light cotton tee. And only _now_, as she gathered her carryon bag and exited the plane (_waving once more to Daniel as she went_) did she fully appreciate the phrase _monsoon tropic_ she had glossed over so many times in her vast reading about the islands of Indonesia.

She stepped into the galley and walked down the long hallway to make her way through customs. From there, Meredith would use the international cell phone the agency had provided for her to make a call to the doctor in charge of her mission, Owen Hunt. Thereafter someone from the small team assigned to Negara would come to pick her up. _She really had no idea what to expect and in some ways that's exactly what she needed._

_She needed to slip out of the skin she had long-since felt uncomfortable in to find a new, thicker, more resilient skin … and there was no doubt in her mind, that here she would._

For she had placed one phone call to the _Doctors Without Borders_ agency … and was cast out to sea quite literally like many of the island's inhabitants. For Bali is one of the small islands, located at about the midpoint along the chain of islands that make up the Indonesian archipelago, which basically means a tectonic cluster of islands that are found in the _open sea_.

The islands of Indonesia had been rocked by a tsunami a little over three months ago and things were just beginning to take shape again for the small villages there. _Meredith only had hope that things would begin take shape for her as well._ She was assigned to work in a makeshift medical clinic located in the small village of Negara, which was west of the airport and in a more local area, one not as popular for the masses of tourists who visited the island each year.

So as Meredith fished her travel papers from her bag and merged into the line for customs, she couldn't help but realize how isolated she had become in the last twenty-four hours. A chill ran up and down her spine, she just needed to bite the bullet, call this Owen Hunt guy and focus on the task at hand. _She could do this, she knew she could, she had to leave her life in Seattle behind and focus on the here and now._ She just needed to get settled. She stood now, behind a yellow boundary line on the floor, she was next in queue. The passengers ahead of her exited the area and the elder officer waved her forward. Meredith took a deep breath and walked to his station.

The gentleman smiled at her and the first thing she noticed – _beyond the tone of incredibly beautiful brown skin_ – were his bright, perfectly straight teeth. His smile was like a beacon of hope. _He made Meredith smile, her first real smile in what seemed like forever._ He was heaven. Shefelt a spiritual flutter deep in her belly, had her rebirth begun already? She handed her papers to him, he looked down and stamped her passport and then moved on to her travel visa.

"You are medic, hmm?" he said with broken English and a bright smile, one that reached his deep brown eyes.

"Yes sir," Meredith answered with her same smile.

"Ok. Be safe," he said, again with that same lovely smile.

"Thank you," she answered.

_Meredith sighed with a smile, for that man; he just encapsulated peace or something. There would be no way she could even describe that encounter, but she felt certain it would take a long time before she would forget that first impression. She turned and exited customs, following the throngs of travelers to the baggage claim area where she would place that phone call and start this thing. _

***

About a half hour later, Meredith sat in the shade on a wooden bench just outside the airport waiting for Dr. Hunt. _Small cars and hotel buses zoomed in and out of the airport circle; the smell of exhaust from the old cars seemed oddly out of place. _ Beyond the airport all she could see were the lush green tops of the palm and bamboo trees. The humid air slowly moved all around her, only faint gusts could be detected, she watched the trees dance silently in the gentle wind. The sun was bright – _the sky a perfect blue hue_ – yes, she had indeed arrived on the other side.

She watched with interest as the many travelers shuffled by her and noticed how almost everyone looked how she felt –_ perfectly aligned and centered, focused on their task – _a perfect combination of excitement and exhaustion. She had placed her large duffle at her feet and her carryon bag sat next to her, she leaned back into the bench. She had slipped her sunglasses on immediately, for the morning sun was bright and unforgiving after flying the high skies for a full day and night. She reached down, unzipping the small side pocket of her duffle bag to retrieve her khaki beach bucket hat. She pulled it on and felt some relief from the hot air that hung all around her.

The island of Bali is only eight degrees south of the equator, which basically means it is hot with stifling humidity all year long, even during the rainy season. She took a deep breath of the hot, sticky air then, trying to push it deep into her core, but it was no use … it just lodged itself in her throat. She supposed she would learn to get used to it all – _the sun and the rain, the beauty and the pain_ – she would learn to accept it and she was sure she would come to love it.

_Meredith pushed her hair behind her ears under her hat; she just couldn't sit still – her body hummed now – nerves and capillaries working again after sitting in thin air for so long. Unable to sit any longer, she stood up abruptly, only to wince when she felt a dull ache come from her healing flesh. She sighed and rested her hand there for a moment to steady the seep._ _Dr. Hunt would be here soon, she thought as she promptly sat down again. From here they were headed straight to a small hotel so she could get settled in … which sounded perfect right about now. _

Meredith reached into her bag again, feeling for her passport and travel visa – _just to be safe_ – even though she knew exactly where she left them. Without warning the sun in front of her was blocked, her knee caps were cooled by a shadow and she looked up to find a tall, serious man with short auburn hair and a five o'clock shadow standing before her. She removed her sunglasses, made note of his furrowed brow and looked into his tired hazel eyes. She smiled.

"Dr. Grey, I presume," he said, extending his hand.

"What gave me away?" she asked with a smile. He smiled tightly in return. "Yes, I'm Meredith Grey," she said shaking his large hand.

He grabbed her duffle. "Come on, I'm double-parked," he said evenly as he started to walk quickly towards the curb.

_Meredith started to follow him, but then stopped in her tracks. She watched as he popped the trunk to a small white car and tossed her bag inside before he turned to find her. Noticing she hadn't moved, he walked back to her with an undefined look crossing his face – it was one of concern mixed with unwavering seriousness and curiosity – he stood in front of her then. _

"Don't have second thoughts," he whispered conspiratorially. "It's not as foreboding now, this place – _it's come a long way and I'll be here the whole time_ – I know it's a lot at first, but I've been doing this for a while now, you'll grow into it," he encouraged. Meredith smiled.

"I'm not scared," Meredith sparred. "I just don't know who you are, you never identified yourself _– I've read a survival guide, and you could be an axe murderer for all I know_ – one who's _'been here for a while now'_ … hiding out," she ribbed lightly.

"So, you have a sense of humor," he chuckled and it looked like it had been years since his face cracked a smile. "I'm Owen Hunt," he said, extending his hand again. Meredith shook it.

"Nice to meet you, Owen Hunt," she said, before she followed him to the car.

He walked around to the drivers' side and hopped in. Meredith slid into the passenger side, buckled her belt and without missing a beat the small car sputtered into traffic. _And with that, she was on her way without looking back._ Owen navigated through the busy side streets and a made a left onto a main two-way street, from there they headed west on their way to Negara. Meredith had studied enough maps of the area to know they were about an hour away from their destination, so she sat back into her seat and took as much of it in as her tired mind would absorb. After a moment, she turned slightly, watching as Owen kept one hand on the wheel and reached into the back with his other. He pulled a bottle of water out and handed it to Meredith. She smiled, it was cold.

"Thanks," she said as she opened it up. She took a long sip, water never tasted so good and she wasn't exaggerating. Everything seemed so new and fresh, but old and familiar at the same time.

_Of course Meredith knew it would be gorgeous here –pictures of the natural landscape before the disaster said that much– yes, she knew that much. But what she didn't know was just how breathtakingly beautiful Bali would be to the naked eye. Everything was sharp, clear, fresh, simple and inviting … she wanted to reach out and touch and feel and taste it all._

_Meredith's senses were waking up, and for the first time since she made the decision to change her path, her destiny … she felt like she was on the edge of something wonderful._

_This place was magical … like a symphony that somehow morphed into perfect rainbow. The lush green trees were the perfect shade of deep rich, yet bright green she had ever seen. The ocean water was as blue as the most perfect diamond … truly stunning, shimmering, glistening in the sunlight. It was shocking to the senses actually. Her car window was down about halfway and the salty, damp breeze offered just enough of the fragrant air to cleanse her – it all felt so spiritual – and to think all this from simply buzzing by it all in a thirty year old car. _

Meredith shook her head, for it was truly …_ paradisiacal_. But just as soon as she encapsulated everything she felt in the right word, her spirits plummeted – _those horrifying images of death and destruction pinged around in her head_ – and she instantly felt sorrowful for everything this island and its people had endured. It was like survival of the fittest in a way – _to come back from that kind of devastation, these people_ – they lost everything, within minutes, their paradise, their homeland was gone.

Which was something Meredith could identify with, her mind instantly zoomed to Derek – _having been at the precipice of declaring her love to him_ – only to have Addison sashay through the double-sliding doors at Seattle Grace … this much was true. Hmm, Cristina would kill her for how dramatic that sounded, but Meredith couldn't help how she felt in that moment of his betrayal. She stood outside the hospital with him just moments later in her own tsunami – _one that she too was slammed with_ – straight with arrow to her heart, like a storm raging against her secret paradise. Unwanted tears pricked her eyes then.

Meredith blinked them away and took another long sip from the water bottle and sighed into the air of the small car, trying to shake those thoughts of Derek off – _for she so desperately wanted to disconnect with him_ – if even for a short while_. She just needed clarity … was it too much to ask for? _She felt eyes on her and turned to see Owen. She was startled, having almost forgotten he was there at all. She turned away from him then, keeping her wet eyes trained on the blur of green outside her window.

"You'll get used to it," Owen said pointedly.

"To what?" Meredith asked, turning toward him again.

"To the tragic beauty of it all," he said wistfully.

"Will I?" she asked, her heart pounded away in her chest.

"Over time, you will – _you'll forget, you'll move forward_ – it will just become part of your natural landscape … _part of you_," he offered softly.

_Meredith swallowed hard as recognition coursed through her body then. Her heart froze mid-beat on Owen's words … her whole body shuddered; feverish-chills ran up and down her spine before she was able to breathe again. _

Her heart rate zoomed with an unexpected erratic beat – _it was so intense_ – she swore she was about to pass out! _Oh Derek! Damn you! She cried silently inside, doing her best to will him away._ But there he was anyway – _her Derek, her love_ – filling her mind now with unrelenting force. And even though Meredith knew Owen was simply making reference to this island or his _own_ beautiful tragedy – _she could only focus on hers and Owen's choice of words_ – for she had heard them before. She turned briefly towards him and noticed he was focused on the road ahead of them again or perhaps just lost in his own reverie now.

And with that, Meredith leaned back into the meager seat of the old car and allowed her mind to whisk her away to an even more tragically beautiful moment in her life. A moment in time before the tsunami rocked her paradise.

***

_She sat in her room and stared at the sleeping form of the man who lay in her bed. Conflicting thoughts swirled around in her head – Derek and her developing feelings for him, her mother and her secret illness, Sona … oh Sona and Jorge – it was all just too much! Too much ponder; too real all of a sudden._

_Minutes ago she slipped from her bed – that post-coital bliss permeated the air all around her – and her senses were muted, somehow distorted by this false sense of euphoria she had experienced since she met Derek for breakfast hours ago. She had taken throw blanket and draped it around her shoulders before sitting on her deep chair just staring at Derek Shepherd; trying to make sense of how she arrived at this moment of time._

_How did she arrive here – right now – with Derek still in her bed? How was it that she hadn't the desire to kiss him good-bye and toss him out yet? She barely knew him and that's where she drew the line! Except there was all she __did__ know … the ever-present reflection of pain in his deep blue eyes, the wondrous way he looked at her sometimes, and then there was this raw … connection of theirs. Her instant bond with Derek ran deep – like the bed of an ancient river – it was indescribable really. _

_She tightened the blanket around her now, making an airtight chrysalis and settled in for a moment longer to watch him sleep – something she had never done before, with anyone – but somehow none of that mattered. She burrowed even deeper into the warmth of her enclave and watched as the early afternoon shadows swept across her bed and illuminated his sleeping form in all the right places. _

_His flushed pink skin, fresh, wild from their intense passion – for it was more than sex, this thing between them – it was insane … their insane, raw, almost spiritual need for one another. It blew her away and scared her to death at the same time._

_His relaxed muscles, heavy with sleep, blissfully exhausted._

_His wild unruly locks and how they covered his brow, bringing out the boy in him._

_The tip of his knee cap peeking out from underneath the enclave of the blankets._

_His long, beautiful surgeon's fingers, resting across his abdomen above the linens ... his comfort in her bed, his vulnerability stilled her heart._

_It was just him. His chest rose and fell in systematic intervals – completely lulling her – his energy consumed her like nothing she had ever felt before. It was just him … resting heavily, completely sated – in her bed – like no other man before him. Tears pricked her eyes then and she looked up to the ceiling, craning her head all the way back just to keep them at bay for a while longer. But he woke up then, or about then, the linens rustled and she heard him stifle a sigh. _

_She looked over to her bed and his eyes caught hers. He rolled to his side, keeping his deep blue eyes trained on hers. He hugged her pillow and smiled genuinely … and that's when the world literally stopped. They could have been the only two people left on the planet and she would never have grown tired of him. And in that moment – it could have been the moment that started it all – the moment their chain was linked. It was vivid, she could feel it with such clarity – the moment this insane energy between them became something else entirely – for in her mind's eye it was the moment their bubble of energy consumed them for the first time. Those tears she was concealing fell now, never having a chance to hide them and for once in her life, she didn't feel the need to. _

"_Penny for your thoughts," he whispered into the quiet all around them. The gentle timbre of his voice stilled her heart. "Even the sad ones," he added softly._

_She chuckled, her heart clamored away in her chest. "Oh, you don't want to know where my head is, trust me," Meredith said, trying to keep her voice still, quiet._

"_Sure I do, come here," he said, pulling the covers back, his eyes locking with hers._

_His warm, naked depths screamed out to her … but she hesitated still. She wanted to empty her head – that vicious swirl of thoughts all over him – but she held her ground instead, for she couldn't move. _

"_Come on, I won't bite, at least not for another few minutes," he teased with a chuckle. Meredith smiled. "Unless you want to throw me out again," his smirk faltered. "Do you, Meredith? Want me to leave," he asked more seriously, his voice waivered slightly, he leaned up on his elbow then. _

"_No," she said without hesitation, smiling at her own willingness to throw her caution aside. He smiled too. _

_She stood, dropped the throw blanket and slipped into the warm enclave of the covers with this man whom she hardly knew. The bubble-energy was intense; more than her heart could take as Derek pulled her into him then, warming her … cradling her – instinctually – like he had done it for forever already! Meredith felt so lost, so very lost, and yet she felt completely found within his embrace. Derek burrowed his nose into her neck, she could feel him breathing her in – is hot breath fanned along her collarbone – awakening her skin there. Goose bumps erupted all over her flesh with the force of a dormant volcano now! Thick tears collected in her eyes before she could mentally halt them – she took a deep, erratic breath – just slow down, slow down, slow down, she coached herself. Meredith took a staggering deep breath to accomplish that, but Derek pulled back instead – his eyes scanned hers – and they were filled with something so extraordinary … it shocked her, for it was the perfect blend of kindness and compassion and profound pain she had only ever seen when she looked at herself in the mirror sometimes. _

"_Hey," he whispered, resting his head down on her pillow again. "I'm sorry about Jorge," he said. "I wish there was something more we could do," he said sincerely, tapping into one of her concerns. She smiled, although her glassy eyes betrayed her. She reached over and pushed his hair from his brow, he closed his eyes, only to open them immediately._

_Meredith caught his eyes – she leaned over and kissed his cheek – just a quick kiss, just to feel that overpowering connection. "Me too," she said as he pulled her closer once more, her heart pounded away. "And Sona … Sona too Derek, we can't forget about her," she pleaded into the crease of his neck._

_The tears began to fall then and there was just no way to stop them – she hated this, for the floodgate had opened – her weakness was everywhere and she was without her skin! She was completely cracked open and she hated it! Derek wasted no time before he covered her lips with his, soft and quick. Pulling back slightly, he cradled her skull in his hands then and pressed his lips together. Meredith kissed him once more, he seemed just as lost in the moment. _

"_Over time, you will – you'll forget, you'll move forward – it will just become part of your natural landscape … part of you," he offered softly._

_He made a small smile as if to say, that's the best he could do. Meredith understood, there wasn't any more they could have done for Sona and Jorge – and that just broke her inside, another chip had fallen from the small amount of hope Meredith Grey had left – she was shattered into a million pieces from this one case. She hated her mother right now! She thought to tell him then, at that moment – about her mother's illness – but instead she closed her mouth over Derek's and pressed even kisses and tugs on lips and over and over again._

_And in that moment the world melted away and an easy silence filled the small gap of space between them, she chanted to herself then – make it go away, make the world disappear, Derek –as he hovered over her for a split-second, catching her eyes with his once more before he closed his own in bliss and began to press tiny kisses to the skin on her neck and breasts with the precision of a perfect storm._

_***_

Meredith sighed, shaking her head in wonder at that fine, beautiful moment all those months ago. The trees continued melt together outside her window as Owen navigated the small white car closer and closer toward Negara. She took the last long sip of her water and closed her eyes. She could get back to that moment so easily, like it was yesterday, for that afternoon marked the first time she made love with Derek, or anyone else for that matter. _She asked him to sleep with her for God-sakes … she asked him to stay. _For it wasn't just sex – _she knew that even then _– she knew this thing between them was more. _So much more. _

_And it was … what they had in those first few weeks together was nothing short beautiful – even with the tsunami of betrayal on the way – it was beautiful still. And it was a time in Meredith's life she never wanted to forget – it was just that she wanted to survive it – she simply wanted to live to tell about it. _

**Chapter 4 – Easy Silence – Derek Shepherd to follow.**


	8. Chapter 4, Easy Silence, Derek Shepherd

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al. **

**Author's Note: If you are reading this story, please comment, it would mean a lot to me (Also: this note right here disclaims the erotica found within, I never censure myself when I am writing ...enough said). **

**Chapter 4 – Easy Silence – Derek Shepherd**

The atmosphere at Joe's was as expected for a weekday at 8:00 PM – _fairly quiet, even, predictable_ – and hell, Derek needed predictable at the moment. He sat now, swirling his second glass of scotch in his hand, trying to avoid the overwhelming sense of déjà vu that had been gnawing at him ever since he sat down in the back of the bar. The feeling consumed him more and more with each passing tick of the clock. The bell over the door rang out; and like Pavlov's dog, Derek shifted his eyes in that direction, only to be burned with disappointment. He shook his head at his foolishness and took another sip of the harsh, unforgiving liquid.

_He shifted uneasily in his seat now, suddenly hotter than hell as he contemplated all that he had done to arrive back at the beginning … the beginning of the end of his new beginning! So, this was it then? He was consumed with pain and heartache, his chest tightened and he felt his blood pressure rising. Derek marveled at his own foolishness, his ulcer rubbing in his stomach as he did. He thought finding out that Meredith had left town was – ground zero – but he was sorely mistaken, because after his conversation with Addison this afternoon he was a miserable wreck and sure to be one or more sublevels __below__ that marker. Damn her, damn Mark, was all he could think. His blood seethed inside his veins just thinking about it now, and the worst part was – far worse than Addison's second knife to the heart – worse than that was knowing that Meredith would not come through the door at Joe's tonight and save him once again._

And with half of his heart, he wished that she would – _walk through that door, with that faint glow of a halo around her head_ – and save him, like no time had passed. He needed saving right about now, he really did and he had no one to help him this time … no one to distract him! So now it was no surprise that the perfect storm was upon him, for all of the elements were finally present _– rage, detachment, power, uncertainty, destruction_ – with one fluid motion he was sucked under with no hope for escape! He was slipping away into the vast sea of deceit, the undertow was too strong for him, the images in his head snapped around – _taunting him, daring him_ – forcing his mind to see what he had so desperately tried to avoid for months now.

_Addison impaled on Mark's cock, facing their bedroom door – her glistening body collapsed against his, post-coital haze etched in her typically strong facial features, somehow softening them, bringing out her more vulnerable, beautiful side – her fingers around his skull, submersed within his hair, her lips pressing tender kisses to his forehead – her alabaster skin, red, heated with passion – her heavily hooded eyes – her undying praise to her lover in the marital bed she happened to share with his best and oldest friend._

_Mark's large hands on Addison's hips – holding her down as she grinded onto him with all her might, his commands for her to – 'be still, hold him inside, keep him … love him' – his savage mouth on her neck, his hands deep in her wild hair, his tongue darting out to capture her rosy taut nipples, the bite of his teeth around them – his growl of ownership, the deep penetration of his cock into his best and oldest friend's wife. _

Derek fought the urge to throw up now, much like he had done since Addison had cleansed her conscience earlier – _but it was no use, bile and scotch rose up anyway_ – threatening to succumb to the force of the storm within him. He closed his eyes and let the images come again – _for he could have been back in that doorway in that fucking brownstone she was so ready to fight him for_ – he could have been there it was so damn real! He swallowed hard as tears pricked his eyes and he tried his best to regain his composure.

He swiped his glass from the table and downed the last drop of his sin – _still me, sear me, drown me once again_ – he silently wept inside_. _He was on the verge of losing it, rage and sorrow and pain attached to him like an iron anchor now as he felt himself slipping into the undertow of deceit – _lower, lower, lower_ – into himself. All was quiet now and the sounds of the bar faded into the atmosphere almost like he wasn't there at all.

_Except he was there and he was alone with no place to hide. And Meredith wasn't coming this time so he let himself go – go back to the moment in time he wished he never had –back to a time when he was just some guy who had wronged his wife by ignoring her and by falling deeply in love with another, so deeply in love that he couldn't give his first love a second chance. Yes, he wanted to go back … he wanted to forget that he could have been with Meredith this whole time had he not given in to the charade of his faith in his marriage. He wanted to go back, take me back; save me … I have nothing left, he silently wept inside. But it was use, for Derek was a glutton for punishment these days._

***

"_It wasn't a one night stand," Addison confessed desperately._

_**He felt the first illegal jab of the fight – no time to duck – he was bewildered at best.**_

"_Mark wasn't a one night stand," she continued her rambling confession._

_**He tried to steady himself against her second attack – but it was no use – his head spun around on his neck.**_

"_I was in love with him," she stated without remorse, it was a point of fact._

_**He sucked a deep breath in, finally in the fight, but with searing energy and pent-up anger she delivered the – one, two punch – leading with her strong arm and a very heavy heart.**_

"_After you left, we lived together for two months," she said quickly, as if someone had a noose around her neck._

_**Pain ripped through his body as she struck him square on the face in a boldly illegal move – one that went for and delivered the knock out of the champion – bile rose in his throat, as his whole body spun around and around before landing on the canvas mat.**_

"_We're both equally liable," she stated evenly._

_**But her last words fell on deaf ears as the world went to black all around the old champion and the referee began to count backwards from ten.**_

*******

The bell over the door chimed and Derek was pulled from his nightmare of deceit, he glanced in that direction again, and his heart fell when he saw Cristina Yang walk through the door. He turned away from her and made eye contact with Joe, nodding to him that _yes indeed_ he wanted another drink. He closed his eyes for a split second and let Meredith, his vision of her, his answer for all that wrong in his life, overcome him – _it was indulgent, yes, he knew that_ – but he so desperately needed her, just the aura of her … their fishing line to tether him in the storm. _He shouldn't think that way; he knew that much was true; for he had to fight this storm alone._ He knew his only hope was to save himself now … and with that he opened his eyes only to find Cristina walking towards him holding a glass tumbler in her hands.

"This is for you," she said, offering Derek a glass of amber liquid, presumably his poison of choice.

He caught her angry, tired eyes with his and held her there – _suspended in time for a brief millisecond_ – and as she came to stand in front of him he realized she too looked defeated, perhaps beleaguered by her anger at him for making her friend go away. _She looked an awful lot like he felt … her dark eyes matching the lush black color of her cashmere sweater._ He sat up a little straighter, still unable to look away, still scrutinizing her – _she looked worn, tired and he wanted to ask her why_ – for something told him it couldn't be just Meredith's departure. He pressed his lips together, but she spoke first instead.

"It's not poisoned you know," she said, her voice monotone. "It's from Joe," she added – _the fight returning to her eyes_ – there were daggers now in those same sad eyes, halting any need Derek felt to make his inquiry.

"Thank you," he muttered. She slid the glass onto the table in front of him and crossed her arms around herself in defense.

"You should get out of here," she cautioned, turning away slightly as if to dismiss him – _a thin layer of disdain within her voice_ – as if to say, _'this is all your fault'_.

"Why? So I can drink in isolation somewhere else?" he asked evenly, not really caring for her answer.

She turned back to him – _that familiar defensive gleam in her eyes once again_ – as he surveyed her, waiting for her wrath now, for he would take anything to distract him from the real storm raging in his heart.

"I didn't mean _here_ – _you could drink yourself into the ground for all I care_ – I meant out of _town_," she said sardonically.

"Hmm, to clear my head, take some space," Derek said softly, already far, far away.

"Something like that," she said looking at him for more, like she wanted to get something from him – _perhaps answers for his actions_ – but sadly they both knew he didn't have anything to offer. He caught her eyes with his for a beat and then something occurred to him.

"Is that what Meredith's doing?" he asked, his heartbeat came to life, his voice cracking on his small revelation – _he felt a glimmer of hope_ – some kind of solace in knowing that Meredith didn't plan to leave forever.

"Something like that," she repeated hesitantly, shifting on her feet, her small dark eyes never leaving his.

"You won't give her up will you?" Derek asked with full knowledge of her answer, but knowing he had to ask anyway.

"No. Never," she said strongly, but then added. "Not until she tells me to anyway, I won't."

Derek sucked a deep breath in; he felt a flutter of relief consume him. "So there's still a chance …," he asked, his voice trailing off.

_For me to make this right_, _he finished his question silently with his eyes._

_Cristina nodded – yes – she agreed, there was still a chance._

Derek's eyes pricked with tears and he felt his face soften on the possibility of this unforeseen gift. _His heart rate slowed down to a more regular rate for the first time all day._ Cristina made to leave him again and he watched her retreating form, focusing on her for a moment – _secretly thankful she hadn't gone all balls out on him_ – for he wasn't sure how much more he could take for the day. He took the glass of scotch in his hand and looked up to find that Cristina had walked back to her same spot.

"Do you miss her?" she sparred abruptly into the space between them.

"Yes," Derek answered truthfully, her eyes darted around his for a beat.

"Do you regret what you've done … how you've _loved_ her?" she asked the hard question. She shifted on her feet; her sarcasm did not go unnoticed. Again, she seemed ramped up about something else but Derek had no way to figure out what was really on her mind. She was clearly teetering on the edge of something … something big.

_Oh, Meredith, where are you when I need you … she needs you too, he rambled silently._

"With everything I have in me," Derek answered.

"What about her do you miss?" she asked; Derek couldn't help but wonder if this would get back to Meredith, he smiled inside.

"Just her," he sighed, his heart ached in his chest for Meredith now. "Our connection, our consumption," he added wistfully, _our insane energy, he thought to himself … ah, just us, he rambled on silently_. "Just everything," he finally concluded.

"Me too," Cristina said, staring at him for a beat … Derek smiled tightly. For once they agreed upon something.

With that, Cristina turned away from him and headed back to the bar. Derek took a token sip of the scotch and then stood. He nodded at Joe as he pulled his coat on, grabbed his bag, and without thinking he exited the bar, the bell chimed announcing his departure as he stepped through the threshold and out into the bitter cold Seattle night.

***

A good hour later Derek slipped into the cool, lonely sheets of his bed with only one person on his mind. He still felt the pain from the day, even the scalding hot water from his shower did not dull the ache radiating from his angry muscles. The debris was washed away, but the painful scars of uncertainty and loneliness remained. _Nights alone were still the worst, and they had been for some time now. _He rolled onto his back and stared up and out of the skylight above him, like he had done countless times, even while he was trying to make his marriage work. Derek pressed his lips together, sighing into the empty space all around him – _he always thought of Meredith before he went to sleep, he just couldn't stop his mind from taking him to her _– she lulled him like no one else could.

_All he had to do was push himself into the mattress and he would be whisked away by the wild sea of her green eyes and that was it … all the pressures and pain and heartache from the day melted away and it was just him and her in an alternate universe that existed only in his mind's eye. He sighed now and rolled over, hugging his pillow under his head and crook of his neck._

He said a small prayer for Meredith wishing for her to find what she was looking for – _happiness, space, a new beginning_ – whatever it was, he wanted it for her. And then he said another prayer (this one selfish in content) for Meredith to come for him and take him away to that place – _that magical alternate universe in his mind_ – where he could relax in all the warmth and love she once had to offer. Only then did he close his eyes – _everything would be black soon, she would come soon_ – he coached himself. And then it was, pitch black, his heart rate spiked up, thinking that she wouldn't come, materialize … but then he saw the glimmer of her and he felt her aura and he knew she wasn't far away now.

With that, he let sleep come for him, knowing he wouldn't be alone and before he knew it … he was back with Meredith in the enclave of her room. Back to a time when their private feelings for one another had yet been revealed – _the moment he first felt it, their energy, the inertia of this thing they had_ – back to the moment he would classify as the beginning of the end, and only because he knew there was a perfect storm brewing and he did nothing to steer them to safety.

***

_Derek lay in Meredith's bed. He felt her extricate herself from his tired limbs only minutes ago. He briefly wondered why she left him there, but then was thankful for a minute to think about what the hell he was doing with Meredith Grey and how he ended up here … in this moment, perfectly content to never move again. And it wasn't the sex, the sex was just as good as he remembered it to be – but no – it was far more than that. _

_It was her inner beauty and her deep pain-filled eyes, Meredith just leveled him and he barely understood the reasons why and in truth he didn't really want to know why, he just wanted to be … with her. From the moment he saw her again after their tryst, he wanted her … and not just physically. It was just her. Her intensity, her innocence – it was her youth, she was fresh and hopeful and she still had faith in medicine – and yet there was this indescribable pain seared into her gateways. There was no way around it, for whatever had happened to Meredith left an indelible impression on her and somehow – she both broke him and saved him – like no one he had ever met before. For looking at Meredith was sometimes just like looking in the mirror. She had this insane depth about her …and he just wanted more and even more than that, he wanted to take her pain. He wanted to rub and kiss it away, just like she wordlessly did for him. _

_Sure, he knew he should leave right now, but he was half unwilling to open his eyes because he thought she might throw him out again – and quite honestly, he wasn't sure he would be able to handle that – so in the interest of prolonging this time with her, he kept his eyes closed and let those raging thoughts of guilt consume him instead. If he were a better man, he wouldn't have ended up here, in this moment … with her. If her were stronger or more noble or even more trusting, he would have, God knows he should have. But instead, he only wanted to open his eyes to make sure Meredith was okay. He heard her now as she crossed the room and sat down with a sigh on the chair in the corner of her room. He smiled inwardly at just how surprised and excited he was when she agreed to have breakfast with him and then actually showed up. And right about then, when she walked up to him in the courtyard of the cafe … right about then he felt it for the first time – this pull, call it an aura, call it fate, destiny, kismet – it didn't really need a name … it seemed like it only needed Meredith and Derek._

_The bubble, for lack of a better term, housed them on their date and only followed them back to her house, and then only followed them to her room where they took each other with a raw, insatiable need Derek never felt before. In those first stolen moments, he felt his nerve-endings snap and all of the pain and self-loathing he had been hiding within vanished into the air all around them as they kissed and sucked and nipped over and over and over again. Just thinking about it now turned him on – he felt his cock twitch with need – and with that, he opened his eyes. And it wasn't because he wanted sex … but because he wanted to somehow make sure it wasn't all an elaborate dream._

_He wanted to see Meredith in the flesh._

_And he did just that, he turned his head toward her, and he was surprised to hear her stifle – what was it, a silent sob – her head held back, looking at the ceiling, perhaps keeping her tears at bay. She was wrapped tightly in a throw blanket, her beautiful long neck craned back, she was lost in deep thought, but about what … he had no idea. He presumed it was Jorge Cruz, their patient … and his lovely wife, Sona. For that glimmer of sadness Derek saw in Meredith's eyes had only intensified within the last day since they had treated Jorge._

_He sighed into the air and moved his legs slightly under the covers to gently pull her back into their space. She brought her head down and Derek smiled genuinely at her and she smiled back, again he tried to absorb some of that sadness – for being a surgical intern was a shitty job, a crappy rite of passage – and he remembered that all too well. Part of him wanted to jump out of bed and hold her and keep her, but another part of him thought that was insane, for he barely knew her._

_And that was the part of him that he was terrified of, this part of him who already was falling for her._

_He rolled to his side, maintaining his gaze into her deep sea gateways and then world literally stopped as tears pricked his eyes at the vision before him. The light cascaded down all around Meredith from the bedroom window … an angelic halo encompassed her and he was instantly lost in her. They could have been the only two people left on the planet and he would never have grown tired of being with her. And in that moment – it could have been the moment that started it all – the moment their bond was tied, the moment this insane energy between them became something else entirely … for it was the moment their bubble of energy consumed them for the first time. He watched and his heart broke as fat tears fell onto her beautifully flushed face and only then did he speak to her. _

"_Penny for your thoughts," he whispered into the quiet all around them. "Even the sad ones," he added softly, his heart went nuts in his chest._

_Meredith chuckled. "Oh, you don't want to know where my head is, trust me," she said, her voice still, quiet._

"_Sure I do, come here," he said, pulling the covers back, his eyes locking with hers._

_Meredith hedged for a beat and Derek had no idea what to do. He felt he should say something, the pain evident in her eyes, he knew he would have to come clean with Meredith about his secret, but sensed she was deeply troubled by something and wanted to be there for her … just this one time. So instead he thought to tease her and hoped to hell she wouldn't ask him to leave just yet._

"_Come on, I won't bite, at least not for another few minutes," he teased with a chuckle. Meredith smiled. "Unless you want to throw me out again," he smiled; his heart zoomed on his words. "Do you, Meredith? Want me to leave," he asked more seriously, his voice waivered slightly, he leaned up on his elbow then. _

"_No," she said with a small smile. Derek smiled too. _

_She stood then and dropped the throw blanket; he was stunned by her natural beauty. She wasted no time before she slipped into the warm enclave of the covers with him. The bubble-energy was intense; more than his heart could take as he pulled her into him – warming her, cradling her – attempting to calm her fears. It was true, he was lost, so lost, and yet he felt completely … found. He burrowed his nose into her neck and breathed her in. He watched as goose bumps erupted all over her arms. Derek heard her sniffle as her grip tightened around him. With that, he pulled back – scanning her with his eyes – she smiled, although her glassy eyes betrayed her. _

"_Hey," he whispered, resting his head down on her pillow. "I'm sorry about Jorge," he said. "I wish there was something more we could do," he said sincerely, rubbing his hand up and down the soft skin of her back._

_Meredith caught his eyes – she leaned over and kissed his cheek – just a quick kiss, so soft it was barely there at all. "Me too," she said as he pulled her closer, he felt her tremble, while his heart pounded away. "And Sona … Sona too Derek, we can't forget about her," she pleaded into the crease of his neck._

_He watched as her waiting tears came down in a sheet over her face – so repetitive, pop, pop, pop, so purposeful – there was just no way to stop them and it was almost too hard to see. Derek hated this, he felt completely helpless and didn't know what to do or say, so without thinking he covered her lips with his, he kissed her then, soft and quick – once, twice – anything to help her heal. Pulling back again slightly, he cradled her skull in his hands, crossed his leg over her hips and then hesitated, he felt just as lost in the moment as he assumed she did. Meredith leaned in and kissed him, soft and quick again._

"_Over time, you will – you'll forget, you'll move forward – it will just become part of your natural landscape … part of you," he offered softly._

_He made a small smile as if to say, that's the best he could do. She smiled tightly, accepting his words – he couldn't read her though, she seemed like she was holding back, the deep pain still reverberated in her eyes – but instead she closed her mouth over Derek's and kissed him over and over again. And only then did the world melt away and an easy silence filled the small gap of space between them – that's it make it go away, make the world disappear, Meredith –he chanted silently as he hovered over her for a split-second, catching her eyes with his before he closed them in bliss and began to press tiny kisses to the lush skin of her neck and breasts._

_He felt Meredith relax into him and become putty in his hands – Derek wielded complete control over their kiss, and for once, she seemed to let him – she gave in, gave up … and he took all she had to offer. Derek slipped his tongue into her depths and she lapped hers against it over and over again. He felt so safe, she draped her leg over his hip bones … his cock banged and bobbed low against her belly above her pelvic bone. Hmm, she felt so good, his heart clamored away in his chest._

_She reached down and wrapped her long fingers around his shaft and pumped – up down, up down – Derek moaned in pleasure into the depths of her mouth, he slipped his fingers down to her hot folds and pressed evenly on her already swollen clit. She grabbed his tongue in between her lips and sucked on it, hard. Meredith pressed her wet pussy against Derek's thumb as he slipped two fingers through her mound and straight into her hot core, her muscles clamped down instinctively, holding them there. _

"_Hmm, Meredith," Derek husked, God, he couldn't get enough of her. _

"_Please Derek," she cried out, as lost in the moment as he was._

_Derek began to pulse his fingers in and out of her slippery channel – intermittently pressing on her nub – but he wanted more, so much more … for he already wanted it all! Meredith moaned into his mouth and released her hold on his cock, surrendering to the moment for now. The smell of her sex wafted up into the hot air between them and it literally spun his senses into overdrive! He pushed his tongue into her mouth and pumped over and over again, matching the tempo of his tongue and fingers to work her over. She grabbed his skull, perhaps in an attempt to ground herself – her hips bucked up against his fingers – silently pleading for more. Derek felt his cock lengthen and his balls tighten just with the mere scent of her! He moved to hover over her, he heard Meredith call out to him through the thick haze of their passion … she was as breathless as he._

_God, he wanted her like never before! But this time, he knew he would wait, this time, he would savor it – savor her and heal her – take her to the other side of oblivion. He wanted time … he just wanted her. _

_He pulled his fingers from her core and moved his thumb up and over her clit, rubbing the fat nub – back and forth, back and forth – as he kept his mouth on hers. He pulled back and found her passion-filled eyes, she was teetering on the brink, Derek moved to rest on top of her and laced his hands above her in a halo formation. His nose touching hers, he kissed her flushed, dewy temple. The hard peaks of hr nipples cut into his chest … damn, skin on skin with Meredith felt almost as good as being submersed deep within her. He kissed her, soft and quick, she only writhed under the weight of his body. _

"_Derek, please," she pleaded again; wrapping her legs around his waist … her wet pussy flat against his torso now. He could feel her heart pounding through her chest cavity._

"_No," he muttered, he was lost, he wanted more. Her eyes darted to his; she was awake again, pulled from her haze. "Hmm," he smiled. "I want you slow this time, slow, I want it slow, okay?" he asked, his voice cracked, his heart stilled in his chest._

"_I just want you," she whispered, kissing him once again. "Fast, slow, it doesn't matter," she said softly – her eyes waivered with insecurity then – Derek smiled slightly and pressed a simple kiss to her swollen lips. _

"_Slow," he repeated, before he began to kiss her in earnest again. _

_Meredith took his skull in her hands and kissed him right back; she unclasped her feet from his back and let her thighs fall open. He took her cue to move down and on, moving more freely again, he kissed her once more before he took one of her perfectly rosy nipples in between his fingers and pinched her there before he began to suck and nip at her already taut skin. God, she tasted so fucking good! Meredith's hands were submersed deep into Derek's hair and she held his scalp and massaged him there, the intensity of her kneads matching the ebb and flow of her passion-haze. He held her breast gently in his hands and took the nipple in his mouth and just lapped and sucked and sucked and lapped until he was satisfied – he pulled the nub back with his lips – only to let it go. He pushed a deep breath out and over her peak and watched it grow and harden as if on command. _

"_Derek," he heard her gasp, her hips bucked up and into him, but the truth was, he was already gone, the world had already disappeared. _

"_Slow," he repeated again as he shifted his attention to her other breast. _

_Derek took her nipple in his mouth and just played with it until it was a small hard pebble of pleasure … he rolled it around and around with his tongue without letting up. Meredith reached down and found his throbbing cock – but he began to flick her nipple rapidly to dissuade her from moving on without him – she let go, her hands finding his head again. As he worked her over, he stealthily moved his free hand down to his prize. He passed his fingers up and down her sopping wet seam, my God, she was on fire! _

_He pumped her then, his fingers coated with her sex in an instant, but realized he needed more still and without missing a beat he pulled himself away from her breasts and found himself at heaven's gate. _

_Hot. Clit. Pulsing. Pussy. Wet. Sticky. Lips. Sensual. Heart. Ready. Depths. Waiting. _

_Derek looked up and found the sea of Meredith's eyes, she smiled and he hovered back over her for a split-second – kissing her lips once more – before he moved back down, sitting back on his heels in front of her core. Keeping his eyes trained on hers, he reached down and passed one finger over her clit and down into her depths. She closed her eyes in bliss. His cock twitched with need, but he ignored that and settled himself in between her legs. She was truly a beautiful sight, glowing against the dim light coming through the window –her pussy pulsed with need – glistening with her sex. Derek rested his head against her thigh and hip bone and breathed her in. _

_Without hesitation then, he passed the fat pad of his thumb over Meredith's clit, she moaned at that first touch, her fingers finding his scalp. He pressed his thumb into her hot core and he felt her grab it, her delicate muscles clenched down with measured force. He gently pulled out and replaced his fingers with his mouth and ran his tongue up and down her beautiful seam. Somewhere in his mind, he heard her call out – but he was already in too deep – he pressed a finger into her hole and swirled his tongue up and over her nub, relentlessly trying to get her off now!_

_He removed his finger and placed his whole mouth over her core and clit and tried to siphon every bit of her juice he could get. He moaned into her depths and that vibration rang around in his own body, finally zapping his cock with unexpected force! It was like a feeding frenzy all of a sudden – for Derek had no idea what happened – only that he wanted more of Meredith and that he never thought there would be enough of her to satisfy him. Never! He pulled back ever so slightly, her pussy pulsing with need._

"_You taste so good, so fucking good," he muttered as he set himself back to his ministrations._

_He felt her body tremble under his touch, as he pulled on her nub, rolling it in between his lips for a split-second before he let go, only to grab it again. She was desperate now, grabbing his head, his shoulders, but he pressed down on her thighs and opened her up to him even more, her center – red, ripe, juicy, hot – it was all he needed to see before he plunged his mouth over her hole again and fucked her senseless with his tongue … it was all he could do from keeping himself from cumming … and he was so desperately not ready to cum!_

_Meredith's hips rose from the bed and met his mouth halfway, she clenched her ass cheeks together and then he felt her muscles clamp around his tongue, holding him there as her orgasm washed over her … setting her out to sea and beyond! Derek closed his eyes and felt her come down from her high – he French kissed her pussy over and over again – he was her steady anchor as she rode out the storm. She pulled on his hair and he traveled up her body, only to feel her desperately kiss and hug him. Keeping one hand over her hot mound, he kissed her plump lips and opened his eyes to find her. _

"_Derek," she said breathlessly, roaming her glassy eyes around his, she was filled with passion, emotion and a twinge of something else … insecurity perhaps, no, he couldn't get a read … all he knew was her raw inner beauty stung him like a bee – yes, this was more, maybe he didn't imagine it after all – he felt Meredith reach down to find his rock hard cock._

"_Hmm," he said, smiling as she passed her thumb over his opening. She held his sensitive head with just the right amount of pressure. "I want you too," he answered her unasked question, his voice, shaky with emotion he hadn't expected. He kissed her softly then and basked in the glow of her orgasm with her. _

_Lifting his hand from her mound, he reached over for a condom, but Meredith intercepted his hand and took it from him. "My turn," she said, a faint gleam of her feisty side returned to her face as she quickly sat up and playfully pushed Derek back onto her pillow. _

_She straddled him then, his cock banged against her ass as she leaned over and kissed him once more on the mouth, darting her tongue into his depths for a taste. "Hmm, you taste good too," she moaned. "Like me," she cooed, and he had no doubt he did. _

_Meredith held the condom packet in her hand and moved her way down Derek's chest, stopping briefly to play with his trillion nipples. She tugged on his sensitive skin there, swirling and flicking the tiny raised peaks with the tip of her tongue. Derek opened his eyes and watched as Meredith traveled lower and lower – pressing tiny kisses to his abdomen, ribs and hip bones – the taut peaks of her breasts cut across his cock and thighs as she went, her ass straight in the air, oh how he wished she was turned around … the faint taste of her pussy still swathed his lips as he licked them in anticipation of what was to come. Just thinking about the taste of her pussy made blood rush to his cock as it reacted now to every small nip or kiss from her swollen lips. _

_Derek closed his eyes to the sight before him only to focus on keeping what was sure to be an explosive orgasm at bay for now. He felt the tips of her wild locks fly across his belly and he thought he would lose it right then! But fueling the fire even more was the hot breeze of her breath moving intermittently across his cock, oh God, it was enough to make him cum right then and there! He tried to still his heart, but instead he was jarred into over drive when he felt Meredith begin to pump his shaft – up, down, up, down – instinctually, he rocked his hips up, knowing the grand prize was his for the winning! And then he felt it: her beautiful mouth encase his cock, oh God, what this woman could do with her tongue … he was a goner!_

_Derek opened his eyes and watched as Meredith ran her tongue up and down his cock, up one side, down the other, several times in rapid succession. Just enough lubrication for her to continue that movement with her hands while she sucked on his sensitive head like it was the best tasting lollipop in the world. She was savage, she swirled her tongue around and around, pumping her hand up and down as she went. Derek bucked his hips up to meet her mouth, he wanted more of her mouth – he had to have it – but she only pushed his hips down into the mattress, steadying him for the short haul to pure bliss!_

"_Hmm," she hummed into his hole and he nearly came right then. "Hmm," she moaned again, releasing one of her hands from his cock, she reached down cupped his sack, gently massaging him there causing him to push his cock deep into her mouth and she took it all without hesitation, lapping, sucking, grazing him with her teeth, she gave it all –except that suddenly he wanted more – he wanted their connection!_

"_Meredith!" he heard his warbled call, but she only nipped and sucked, it seemed she too was lost. "Meredith!" he tried again, for he was desperate._

_Without wasting time, he pulled her from his cock then, a look of complete surprise crossed her face, but he only smiled and brought her up to his lips. "I don't want to, not yet," he said breathlessly, taking the condom from her, before rolling her onto her back. "I just want you," he said, his voice hoarse._

_Meredith smiled as he pushed her down into the mattress with the full weight of his body … God, the skin on skin contact alone did him in … they were both flushed, swollen and ready as Derek leaned back on his knees and opened the condom packet. Meredith smiled, peeking at him through her long eye lashes. Derek placed the condom on the head of cock, leaving a little of space at the top and watched as Meredith watched him roll the condom all the way down his shaft, he could feel his fat veins pulsing with blood. He looked down briefly, making sure there were no air bubbles and when he did – Meredith raised her knees and opened her thighs wide – Derek locked his eyes on her … she wordlessly offered herself to him. He went back to checking the condom, but was interrupted again when he saw the wave of her hand from his peripheral vision, he looked up just in time to see her dip one of her long fingers into her beautiful pussy. Both his cock and heart jumped erratically and he was all but gone!_

_He leaned forward, placing his hands on either side of her head, his knees resting in between her thighs, he kissed her. "Don't do that without me," he husked into her ear, before he grabbed her earlobe and sucked on it, hard. Meredith squealed, he did it again … anything to hear her laugh._

"_Do what?" she managed to ask innocently, her guttural, lusty giggle betrayed her though. Her fingers pressed over her clit now. _

_Derek kissed her again then – with a tenderness that surprised him – it was just her, this inner secret beauty, he felt like he was the only one in the world she would reveal herself to. Her hands moving to his skull as she attempted to wield control over that kiss. She stunned him all the time … leveling him without even trying. "Your beauty is insane," he said simply, truthfully, his breath hitched in his throat. _

_Meredith caught his eyes with hers – she looked shocked, scared even, but then her whole being softened – and she was back in the moment, lost within the bubble once again. Derek reached down between them and pressed two fingers into her molten hole. _

"_Hmm, Meredith," he muttered. "I want you … so badly," he found himself saying, before closing his mouth over hers. They moaned in unison and were rocked by the sweet lullaby of the storm raging within the small room all around them. _

"_Derek," she said breathlessly as she pulled away from their kiss. She reached down and carefully held him, near the base of his cock, just below the ridge of the condom. With precision, she swept him up and down her hot seam. He could feel her heat cover the tip of his cock and he swore he almost came on contact. "And I want you ... so badly, fill me up," she sighed, her eyes closed, totally lost in the moment with him._

_Without another word, Derek replaced her hand with his and eased his hot ready cock into her hot ready core … inch by inch, he sank into her, until he felt his cock bump against her cervix – bump, bump – he was in and he would never tire of the perfect way she fit around him. All was still in the world again and yet the energy within their bubble was wild and carefree and all-consuming!_

_Derek locked his eyes on her soul-filled gateways and for some unknown reason – thick tears formed, pricking his eyes – thereby blurring his vision of his new lover. He had no want or desire to hide those tears though, for they meant something … so he let them fall on the blessing of their connected bodies. Meredith clenched around him, holding him in place, right where he was meant to be. _

"_Derek, shh," she said, her own eyes becoming glassy as she tried to assuage both their fears. She reached up and cupped the side of his face with her hand, just enough to tell him she was still there, he turned his head and kissed her palm. She smiled, her eyes never moving from his. "I need you," she said, a whiff emotion lodged deep within her voice, bringing him back into the moment with her._

_On her words, Derek began to find his tempo, her slick walls and tasty juice lubricated their machine in a matter of seconds! She raised her knees up, he instinctually held them up under his forearms as he began to gently pound into her core, allowing for that deeper penetration he already knew she loved. He pumped her then with everything he had, making sure to never break his eye contact with her, for he couldn't look away from her untamed beauty even if he tried._

_Something had shifted – something consumed him – in that small moment a second ago… something told him to trust Meredith Grey. Something told him she really did need him or want him and that she was consumed by him … just the way he was by her. _

"_Meredith," he called out as he worked their machine more slowly now, a pace fit for longevity as his glistening cock struck her pussy purposefully – bump, bump, bump – he looked down, her breasts moved to his every pulse, he ducked his head down and captured one of her rosy peaks in between his lips, he rolled it in between his lips and lapped and sucked on it, all the while pumping his steel rod into her core … wedging himself into her tight hold as she began to clamp down all around him – the delicate force of her muscles – it was indescribable really! Somewhere from the depths of bliss, he heard Meredith moan his name and then she shifted, pushing her knees down, clasping her feet low around his back as Derek continued to pump into her like never before … he was on a mission now! He felt her core tighten again – the systematic clenching of her orgasm had begun – she was so close, so fucking close he could almost taste her juice!_

"_Derek, I'm so close, faster, deeper … just deeper!" she pleased into his mouth as he kissed her senseless now and quickened the speed of his tempo. She closed her eyes briefly only to open them once again – she placed her feet flat on the mattress, opening herself up to him, offering herself to him – she was ripe for the taking as he felt her snake a hand in between them and press her fingers around her opening, before moving them up to her clit._

"_Hmm, you feel so good, so … fucking good," Derek husked as he pounded down, changing his angle ever so slightly so his hip bone pulsed against Meredith's wrist …thereby adding more pressure to her clit. _

"_Right there!" she screamed in appreciation, he felt her fingers press into her swollen clit and rub against his rod as he moved in and out of her endless depths._

_Derek so desperately wanted to get her off now … he wanted her to cum, for watching Meredith cum was one of the most naturally beautiful occurrences he had ever been blessed enough to see. "Let it go," he ordered gently, for he was about to blow himself._

_With the last bit of energy he had left in him, Derek began to pulse into Meredith's lubricated hole – bump, bang, clit, in, out, slip, slip, slip, cum, cum, cum – with that his mind became fuzzy, his skin fever-pricked, his heart on fire, his core smoldering with need, his nerve-endings popping everywhere all around him just before felt Meredith clamp around him with all her might, her hips rising up to meet his as she pressed her clit deep into his pelvic bone and came hard just as Derek felt the rush of the unbearable pleasure-filled pain of his orgasm._

"_Derek!" she called out, he wrapped his arms around her and held her, keeping her, cradling her, desperate to hold on to their connection, to their orgasmic energy, before he slipped into the undertow of pure bliss._

_Meredith clenched hard around him then – keeping and cradling him too – but Derek felt lost deep within her already … in mind, body and spirit. It was like nothing else … he had no words. His heart swelled, he pressed tiny kisses to her collarbone, lips, neck, earlobes, her hot dewy skin was all he ever wanted to taste, the air between them was the only air he would ever need._

_And in those moments they were both lost … _

_Lost in the waves of their orgasms and secret deep feelings for one another …_

_Just lost, yet hopelessly found …_

_Both buoys for their secret aches and pains and broken hearts …_

_Finally safe and sound within their newly created bubble …_

_That bubble … the one that housed them and protected them and their intrinsic connection … _

_Surely the bubble could withstand the surreptitious perfect storm of deceit that was headed straight for them … _

_Surely, they could survive this – his secret – Derek promised himself as he held on tight … _

_Surely, he could do this, come clean with Meredith and earn back the trust she seemed to give to him – not freely – but because she allowed herself to … _

_Surely they would survive; he thought as he reached down, held the base of his cock over the ridge of the condom and reluctantly pulled out … _

_Surely he wouldn't lose her … _

_Derek reached up, pulled a couple of tissues from a box on Meredith's nightstand, dropped the condom inside and wrapped it up. He placed it on the night stand, reached down and grabbed the quilt to cover them and settled into the warmth and security of her body. She had already been to oblivion and back – for she was breathing deeply now –and he was lulled the predictable beat of her heart as he lay his head down on her chest. Her hands went to neck; he looked up and found her glassy green eyes once again. _

"_Meredith," he said. "Are you okay?" he asked, his voice filling the quiet all around them. _

"_Yes," she smiled. "Will you sleep with me … stay with me?" she asked, her voice cracking, although he had no idea why._

"_Yes … please," he said with relief. He lay his head down on her pillow and she only moved closer – burrowing deeper into him and him into her – they were buoys for one another once again. _

_***_

Everything went black then and the beautiful memory was safe and sound within Derek's uneasy mind. Sleep came easily for him, much like it did on that afternoon in Meredith's room. And very much like that beautiful moment all those months ago – _when Meredith let herself trust him and he let himself trust her, and they slept together through the afternoon and the evening too_ – Derek desperately needed sleep … good sleep and sound sleep.

And even though he was alone now and even though they had not survived that perfect storm of deceit all those months ago – _he knew they would survive this one – _for they were becoming stronger both together and apart from one another and that had to count for something … right?

_Yes, Derek felt certain they would survive the storm this time … he just needed to find Meredith first. _

**Chapter 5 to follow.**


	9. Chapter 5, Hands, Meredith Grey

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al. **

**Author's Note: If you are reading this story, please comment, it would mean a lot to me. There are countless views and very few comments, I thought to wait a week or so in between posting chapters and that hasn't worked either, so now I am posting yet another part, hoping that some of you all who have marked this story as a "favorite" or my penname for "alerts" will actually tell me what you think here. **

**This song from Jewel is a blessing. It's an awesome song and it fit perfectly for this part of the story. Take a listen if you have a chance. **

**Chapter 5 – Hands **

Lyrics for Jewel's "Hands":

If I could tell the world just one thing  
It would be that we're all OK  
And not to worry 'cause worry is wasteful  
And useless in times like these  
I won't be made useless  
I won't be idle with despair  
I will gather myself around my faith  
For light does the darkness most fear  
My hands are small, I know  
But they're not yours, they are my own  
But they're not yours, they are my own  
And I am never broken  
Poverty stole your golden shoes  
It didn't steal your laughter  
And heartache came to visit me  
But I knew it wasn't ever after  
We'll fight, not out of spite  
For someone must stand up for what's right  
'Cause where there's a man who has no voice  
There ours shall go singing  
My hands are small I know  
But they're not yours, they are my own  
But they're not yours, they are my own  
I am never broken  
In the end only kindness matters  
In the end only kindness matters  
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray  
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray  
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray  
My hands are small I know  
But they're not yours, they are my own  
But they're not yours, they are my own  
And I am never broken  
My hands are small I know  
But they're not yours, they are my own  
But they're not yours, they are my own  
And I am never broken  
We are never broken  
We are God's eyes  
God's hands  
God's mind  
We are God's eyes  
God's hands  
God's heart  
We are God's eyes  
God's hands  
God's eyes  
We are God's hands  
We are God's hands

**Chapter 5 –Hands – Meredith Grey**

Meredith stared out into the depths of the Indian Ocean, which was by far the most perfect _ocean-blue-green_ she had ever seen. She was lulled by the natural ebb and flow of the current and the predictable sound of the systematic crashing of the heavy waves against the shoreline. Warm water tickled her feet as she stood on the golden expansive beach – _one that seemed to go on for countless miles without another living soul in sight_ – and with that thought she was transported away from all of the tumult in her life. She had only ever felt this way – _this level of comfort, this whole or complete_ – at one other time in her life.

_That time of peace and solitude she felt in those early weeks of stolen moments with Derek. For it was true when she first fell for him, she let go of a lifetime of fear – that fear of abandonment – and in Derek she found peace, peace of mind, peace in her heart and she gave herself to that freely – she trusted him and their space, their bubble – only to have it shatter into oblivion. But even so, despite all of their imperfections together, it still was the most peaceful time in her life. _

She shook her head; it was strange to think that the lull of the ocean and the peace she found within it would carry her to that cherished bubble of quietude. Even now, after everything, her heart squeezed inside her chest. Tears pricked her eyes and everything became blurred together as her mind fell on her realization – _she simply ached for him_– and a small part of her knew she always would. Unwilling to linger on that thought, Meredith turned her attention back to the sea and watched, her mind wandering now as she became lost in the overpowering sights and sounds of her station.

_White caps floated and swayed along the water's surface now – rise, fall, rise, fall – the tide was changing … change was in the air._

_The deep blue-green-ocean collided with the bright blue sky at the line of the horizon … a new day was about to break._

_Sea air filled her lungs, she savored it, pushed it down … it felt clean and organically whole._

_Brown earth covered the mountains behind her, rich soil and plentiful rice terraces would be harvested once again – how apropos – for she stood at the foot of the foundation for the villagers' new beginnings and rebirth … and she was poised to join them._

_Seedlings sprouted all around her now, bringing with them new life and new growth, new bamboo shoots, new palms, new forests, new food and new energy sources._

_Ancient moss-covered stone temples, red-bricked palaces and broken doorways contrasted with rich green banana leaves, sweet rice, marigold and white flowers – traditional offerings to the Gods – she too would learn to partake in this ritual. _

_Perfectly tanned skin, beautiful deep brown eyes, rows and rows of perfectly straight, bright white teeth (a Balinese treasure, an aesthetically pleasing straight line, no evil fangs), only four first names on the entire island – Wayan, Made, Nyoman, Ketut – ever-present, always recreating, everything was cyclical._

_Bright saris, intricate batik crafts – pinpoint by pinpoint – incense burning, so little time to be idle, simple meals infused with coconut, tamarind, curry, peanut – mortar and pestle always busy – brightly colored spices, rich with flavor and history._

_Old and new meshed together on that horizon now – deep within Meredith and deep within the island – for they had become one in the same._

_The sun's warm rays pressed against her back now, hugging her there, keeping her safe and warm … somehow letting her know she wasn't alone. There was a glimmer of him._

_Derek._

_The heat moved into a band and encircled her low around her waist now – it was familiar and loving and full of gentle kindness – a sense of peace finally moved through her – centralizing on her damaged heart – and only then did she fully relax into the sensation the warmth provided._

_Derek._

_She closed her eyes and leaned back into it, her core ignited, her heart beat wildly now. _

_Derek._

_Meredith rested her hands over the heat source and instinctually felt for those beautiful surgeon's fingers she longed to feel against her skin once more. She linked her hands with his. She was alive again!_

_Derek._

_She looked up and away, hoping to set her sights on that perfect union of the sky with the blue-green-ocean, but instead she was stunned by the angry sea of Derek's deep and soulful eyes. Meredith reached out for him – he was suspended there in time – was he really here? Her heart raced … and the unmistakable soft timbre of his voice filled her mind. "You're right Meredith, it's tragically beautiful here," he whispered into the wind. _

_She called out for him, but then fell forward into that angry sea of his eyes … and woke up on the other side of her dreamscapes._

Reflexively, she draped her hands over her abdomen, trying to feel the warmth from his touch, if only for a moment longer. _But he was hopelessly gone, gone with her dream of him. Just like a ghost._ Meredith took a deep breath, e_verything was okay, everything would be fine, _she coached covered her eyes with her hands to thwart her likely tears, keeping her palms over them, just for a moment longer, one more moment of the dream without her heart raging inside her chest. But it was no use.

"Damn you Derek!" she said breathlessly into the empty space around her. She opened her eyes and slammed her palms against the mattress. "Damn you, you idiot!" she screamed, feeling just as mad with herself as she was with him.

With that, Meredith rolled on to her side and hugged one of her two thin pillows. She pressed her hands under her head and peeked at the clock. It was just after 5 AM, which was just as well; she was due to meet Owen in a couple of hours. So far the time change had been seamless – _in large part because she was so far off from Seattle time_ – it didn't really matter what time zone she was in … she was just in a zone, period. She had a mission, today would be her fifth day at the clinic and so far she loved it.

_Meredith closed her eyes and tried to center herself around the peace of her mission – tried to forget about all of those lost souls who were washed out to sea – and instead tried to focus on those left behind like Owen suggested. _

Today would be better, every day would get easier and better and then she would start to feel whole, more centered and in more control of her life. _She craved the power to change herself and that was the root to her being here._ Meredith lifted the flimsy white cotton sheet that clung to any amount of her bare skin. The air inside her small room was sticky, salty, vividly sweet and completely unforgiving. Her skin pricked with damp heat, she squinted and looked over at the thermometer that hung near the bathroom door, it was already close to eighty degrees!

She rolled onto her back and kicked the sheet away from her feet. She looked up and watched as the ceiling fan made its rounds – _swoosh, swoosh, swoosh_ – she blinked hard and let the steady noise calm her for a moment in time. She turned her head and looked outside the windows to her left – _the sun was just beginning to rise, birds began to call out_ – morning time shadows moved along the simple celery painted walls of her four-cornered room. _The sun would rise again and everything would be okay, she smiled to herself. _Yes, she could feel life waking up all around her now and with that, she gently pushed herself up – _waiting for the pain of her abdomen to reach out and grab her_ – but it never did. _Perhaps her incision was finally healed._ She placed her feet on cooler hard wood floor, her bed low to the ground. She took a deep breath of that organic air she had already come to love.

She rose and walked over to the windows and craned her head up to get a glimpse of the sky … it was beautiful and inviting, a misty predawn lavender. She pushed her hair behind her ears, it was wild and messy from the humidity, but she had no care for that. She thought to go for a short walk before she would meet Owen, but decided to check her sky mailbox instead, a way for her to keep in touch with her friends by making one simple call. She crossed the room, tiny goose bumps covered her flesh as she strode under the fan, suddenly it seemed her tank and panties were not enough. She grabbed her international cell phone, sat down on the edge of the bed and dialed. She waited for the response and entered the passwords and then pushed herself backward to lean against the headboard there. She engaged the speaker phone and Alex's voice filled the small space of her room.

"_Hey Grey, I delivered your letter. Shepherd wanted to deck me, but we both know he'd never lay a hand on me, 'cause I'm no Mark Sloan. But seriously Meredith, he was … devastated. His sister was here, rumor has it she ranked all over him for divorcing Satan's whore. Yes, you heard right, he's divorced, so now what are you gonna do? And Callie slept with Sloan, do you think I should tell George? Izzie came back to work and Bailey put me in charge of her – she's not allowed to do anything, she can barely breath still, but at least she's with me – you know, instead of at home alone. And something's up with Cristina, but I'm not gonna touch that. Check in with me when you have a chance. Peace out."_

She sighed and deleted his message. Her chest tightened as her mind rolled over Derek for a split-second, wondering if he opened her letter and what, if anything he might do about it. Meredith sighed again, how lovely it would have been if their timing for all of this – _for them_ – was on instead of perpetually off. _Derek was divorced._ She pressed the queue for the next message, it was George.

"_Hi Meredith, it's me, George. I thought you'd want to know Izzie came back to work and she seems okay, well, she's barely holding on, but she's back so … yeah. She did play Gin with me in Really Old Guy's room today and last night she baked a really good cake, but I'm worried about her. Callie's still not talking to me. I gave her this whole speech today about ham and eggs and totally botched it, so now she hates me __and__ thinks I'm a moron. I used to be the amazing "heart-in-the-elevator-guy" and now she hates me, how did that happen? Oh and something's up with Cristina, but I'm not touching that … and I had a patient with two uteruses, how cool is that? Okay, I should go … we're all okay here. Call the box soon." _

She deleted George's message and smiled, the two uteruses sounded cool. She would leave a voicemail for Izzie if she didn't hear from her … and Cristina too, what was up with Cristina? She clicked for the next message.

"_It's me. We're all okay, I think. Your mother is fine; the Chief's been there too. But, I'm exhausted, it's been so hard – not the visiting your mother part – it's everything else. I wish I could say some things to you, but it would be hard for me even if you were around so … Burke's … oh, never mind. I planted a seed … a naughty seed! I told Derek to get out of town, take some space and then I told Burke to go with him! I need a fucking minute here! Burke needs to come clean to Derek! I can't do it anymore! He needs to tell Derek. I know I'm not making sense, but they're going camping together and then I'll have a minute; just minute is all I need. I need to rest my hands, I need … time. But I'm fine, we're all fine. Call this thing when __you__ have a minute. Keep your hands busy though, I know they need them out there."_

Meredith pressed the _pause_ button and wondered what in the hell was going on. She was happy to hear that Cristina would be getting that minute, because she was awfully close to the Cristina she was after her ectopic pregnancy – _maybe not quite as bad because her mother wasn't there_ – but close enough. She presumed something was wrong with Burke and hoped for Cristina's sake (and Derek's too) that he would come clean on their trip. Oh how she wished she was there for her friend. _Damn it! _She released the _pause_ button for that last message, no doubt from Izzie.

"_Hi, Meredith. I went back to work, not that I am allowed to do anything! And Alex is the boss of me! Seriously! Alex, of all people! I swear this is Bailey's passive-aggressive way of getting back at me. I mean c'mon, he's the boss of me and I have to see him at home too! He's all around me all the time, saying things! And Cristina, she's acting weird – and I say that in the nicest way possible – but seriously, something is wrong with her and __you__ should find out what it is. And Derek seems … lonely. And I miss Denny. I … I do, I miss him, my heart … aches. It still aches. Do you think it will ever stop? Will I ever get over the loss of this … man, the aura of him? He's everywhere at the hospital, he's eating me alive! I can't escape him. Oh shit, you know, I'm fine – I. Am. Fine – it's just that you're not answering me and this thing has unlimited time on it … it will never get full, did you know that about this sky box thingy? How it can never get full? Okay, just ignore me, I'm fine, I really am. Call this thing soon."_

Meredith closed the phone. Her heart was in shambles from Izzie's trembling voice. She draped her forearm over her eyes and released a breath of air she didn't realize she was holding in. _This fucking sucked! _Tears streamed down her face over the loss of her friend's love and for her own love lost – _but she couldn't dwell on that ache _– that familiar dull ache which had permeated her heart and bled into her core for so long now. She should tell Izzie that she would grow used to the ache – _the ache for her ghost,_ _for Meredith had ever since Derek chose Addison_ – she had learned to live with it. It was true; Derek too, was all around her all the time. And after a while she had come to expect him – _he became part of her natural landscape_ – to the point where she had missed the _barely-there presence of his ghost_ so very much since she stepped on that plane. Tears continued to fall and she wiped them away with the back of her hand.

_The dull ache of Derek's ghost seeped back into his place; right where he belonged and she closed her eyes … she was whole again._

***

An hour later Meredith stood in the front of their base, well actually – _it was the construction site of an old five-star hotel_ – in which they were stationed. What was left of the hotel was the most complete housing in the area and was about fifteen minutes away from the clinic via the small white, nameless car. The smell of incense and fresh brewed coffee filled the makeshift lobby – _the heavy damp air barely carried the scents_ – they simply swirled around her and stuck to her nostrils like honey. She watched with interest as a group of workers laid new large tiles into the lobby floor with the precision of a machine. There was a simple design, she could tell, one that would surely take shape while she lived here. She smiled as one worker looked up and caught her watching. Owen rounded the corner, he looked tired and worn and Meredith wondered for a moment if he ever slept.

"Good morning," he said, his voice, soft, gruff.

"Good morning, ready?" she asked, scanning his hazel eyes.

"As I'll ever be," he said as they walked out of the doors to the car.

Owen walked, his strides, long and purposeful, his gate never wavered … his position was always even, level, stoic. All Meredith knew about him was that he had spent his career as an Army doctor – _a seasoned field surgeon and she felt extremely blessed that someone of his caliber was out here with her_ – for as much experience as the Chief had, she feared he would never be able to make it out here, in conditions such as these. Owen got into the car and popped the lock for Meredith. She slipped inside and they sputtered out of the small lot and onto the main two-lane road towards the clinic which was situated near the old temple in the village of Negara.

Meredith watched the blur of deep green flora outside her window, her mind wandering to her friends, hoping, praying they would each find some peace … a glimmer of relief for all that ailed them. She found herself doing that a lot lately … hoping for peace – _peace of mind, peace of heart _– it seemed there wasn't enough of it to go around. And yet, these people here – _who lost everything_ – were forging ahead, rebuilding, coping with palpable loss and insurmountable pain for every moment of every day. _It's all around them all the time._ It was true for her too, for sometimes when she watched that perfect _blue-green-ocean, _all she could see or feel were the souls of those who were washed out to sea. _Sometimes all she could envision was pain and sorrow and flailing limbs and lifeless bodies._ It hurt, her heart ached – _no, it raged_ – against the tragic beauty of it all. She rested her arms over her abdomen and sighed.

"What's on your mind?" asked Owen, keeping his eyes trained on the road in front of them.

"Tragic beauty," she answered truthfully.

"Yes, it's here, if anywhere in the world, it's here, I wasn't lying," he surmised.

"How do they do it?" Meredith asked, still unwilling to look at him, for fear she wouldn't be able to hand it.

He sighed deeply. "They have eyes wider than ours," he stated surely, glancing at Meredith. "They can see _beyond the tragedy_ and have an intrinsic ability to _focus solely on the beauty_ of rebirth and continued life," he said wistfully.

"They're incredible, even with the loss of everything, I can't seem to wrap my hands around their fortitude," she said quietly. "I only hope it rubs off on me," she chuckled. "I mean, they have nothing, everything was washed away, it's ground-zero here – _no home, no water, no rejuvenated food sources_ – no place to call their own! How do they manage, how to they have such strong inner peace?" she wondered aloud.

"They have what's left Meredith," he sighed. "They have fractions, pieces of themselves, pieces of their hearts, they have faith, they have no choice but to try and see more than what the naked eye sees," he offered softly, he turned the car onto the main small road that would lead them to the clinic.

"So, when they come to the clinic for sterile baby formula or dehydration, or clean water for God sakes, how do we let them go? And where do they go? They have a camp, no home, no place!" she admonished out loud.

"It's scary for you to let them go, I know," he said, before he sighed. "But in my experience, home, that place you call home – _it's inside of you_ – it resides with your heart, trust me, I've moved around a lot … and your home, you can take your home anywhere you need to go, as long as you bring your heart along," he offered solidly, but the tone of his voice betrayed him.

"So, do you know where your heart is?" she asked pointedly, finally turning her attention to him. He raised an eyebrow at her, maintaining his eyes on her, perhaps wondering if he should trust her.

"Yes … I still have a small portion of it," he laughed weakly, a flash of recognition crossed over his face and he seemed temporarily jarred into the past by the topic. "Most of it has been left in pieces along the way, throughout my service, with the men and women I started with, my pack, my class, some are … gone, it was easy to leave it with them in their shallow graves," he offered, his voice monotone, he was far, far away from Bali now.

"Your story is incredibly sad," she offered. "Do you feel your heart; is it healed by doing this work?" she asked, her core on fire now.

"Sometimes, some days yes, other days I just feel the ghost of it … the phantom ache of something that was there once a long, long time ago," he offered quietly.

Meredith cracked her window down about a quarter; she was in desperate need for fresh air. Her body hummed now, nerve-endings were snapping left and right, up and down. She took a deep breath of the fresh, yet sticky air and briefly wondered when it was going to rain today.

"So, how about you?" Owen asked.

"Hmm, what?" Meredith asked, coming out of her private reverie. She looked at Owen, his cloudy eyes touched on hers for a moment before he looked at the road again.

"Do you know where your heart is?" he asked, smiling slightly, sparring lightly.

"Yes, I do," he offered elusively.

"So, it's not within you now?" he asked hesitantly.

"No, no, not now," Meredith chuckled and shook her head, _if he only knew! _

"It's surprisingly painful, isn't it?" he asked simply. No judgment.

"Yes," she agreed. All was silent then, a gust of wind blew through the window and Meredith closed her eyes, relishing the cool air as it breezed over her hot skin. She felt a moment of relief from the heat and the topic of their conversation.

"So, where is it? Will you be able to get it back? Your heart, that is?" Owen rambled lightly. Meredith turned her gaze to meet his. _She shook her head, she wasn't sure about that._

"It's in an envelope, thousands of miles away from here," she answered, her voice sure, but stoic.

"Is it safe?" he persisted.

"I don't know, it's out of my hands now," she said thoughtfully as Owen pulled up to the clinic-barrack. _Meredith's heart raced on her confession._

Owen turned the ignition off and opened his door. Meredith did the same and as she stepped out of the car and into the hot sticky air. And as she made her way to the clinic, she felt quite certain she was more confused than ever about being here – _and not because her hands were of no use_ – but because her old world was just now beginning to unravel and come apart at the seams, only she was a world away and could do nothing for her friends.

_All she could do to help was to put her hands and her heart to work in the here and now._

Because Meredith did have work to do, her hands were busy. And she needed to grow and cultivate and build and plant a new life for herself alongside the villagers here. She too needed rich, fresh soil to break ground and start to rebuild. She craved roots of her own – _a place to call her own_ – a home within herself.

_Space for a home within her heart … a home she could take anywhere._

Meredith had to open her eyes and see the bigger message – _look beyond Derek and her deep ache for him_ – to be able to _focus on the beauty and move away from the tragedy_ of her life and those around her … both here and back in Seattle.

_She had to have wider eyes – she had to see the peace and tranquility –she had to learn to embody it, because only then would she be able to seek Derek out and reclaim that lost part of her home, the part that belonged irrevocably to him. And by God, when she found him, she could only pray he was ready to share that home with her. _

**Chapter 5 – Hands – Derek Shepherd to follow. **


	10. Chapter 5, Hands, Derek Shepherd

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al. **

**Author's Note: If you are reading this story, please comment, it would mean a lot to me. There are countless views and very few comments. Maybe try a PM if you are too shy to tell me what you think on a public forum.**

**Chapter 5 – Hands – Derek Shepherd**

"_Take care of that letter, it's basically her heart."_

Alex Karev's words rang through Derek's head intermittently now. He could be almost anywhere – _well anywhere outside the OR_ – and he would hear Alex's warning and think of Meredith and her letter and the kindness of her heart. The letter remained where he left it since Alex had given it to him a week ago, safe and secure, tucked inside his worn copy of _The Sun Also Rises_, his most prized piece of fiction. Whenever he thought about the letter he also fought the urge to open it – _he so badly wanted that piece of her_ – that tangible reminder that she was once here and she did exist, that she wasn't just an elaborate dream.

_For he already missed Meredith in a huge way and in truth, he more than ached for her heart (even if it was presently in that envelope)._

He awoke most days with the memory of her all over him – _his need for her pulsing through his veins, fueling his heart_ – and he always went to sleep with her, for in his dreams she was there with him and she was happy. He longed to see Meredith happy; he longed to hear her melodic voice and that contagious giggle of hers. And for all those reasons, he refused to open her letter –_because if he did, it would unleash her goodbye_ – and it would make their ending real and then her aura might vanish … and with his whole heart, if that were to happen, he knew he would disappear too.

Derek's chest tightened, he looked over at his bedside table now – _the letter haunting him_ – all he had to do was cross the small space, open the drawer and retrieve it, but he couldn't. He remained frozen in his spot instead – _half in, half out, half here, half there_ – his fingers wrapped around the door handle, his heart restless to leave the enclave of the trailer. A shiver coursed up and down his spine and finally rankled around in his heart; it stung him there like a bee. _Damn it Meredith, where are you?_ Silent with concern and frustration, tears collected in his eyes, but he did nothing to wipe them away. Instead, he pulled the door open and with clouded vision, he stepped outside and turned his attention back the task at hand.

He had taken an extra day off and planned to prepare for his fishing trip with Burke, but first he wanted to get out and take walk before that all-too important meeting with the architect this afternoon. And after his dear sister Nancy showed up yesterday, Derek realized more than ever that really needed the time off, he really needed to get away – _but not to solely be alone like she had suggested_ – for Derek knew it was going to take a lot more than a fishing trip to get his head screwed on straight.

_In the end it all came down to trust of the heart._

For Derek knew he had been left with extreme trust issues after what happened between Addison and Mark. He stood still for a moment then, just to breathe the fresh damp air into his lungs and push it down into his core. Yes, it was true, for after Derek discovered their betrayal of him and _her_ vows … he fled. And after _he_ vowed to start over here in Seattle, he only fled again. In reality, Derek never owned that new start – _he never planted himself here_ – he merely swept those miserable cheaters and his hopes and dreams for a new beginning under the carpet when Meredith all but materialized in his life.

_But now, he could flee no more – because the time for his new beginning was upon him – and this time, there was even more at stake … his future with Meredith was on the line and he would be damned if he let anything stand their way, least of all himself. _

It was just after 1PM and Derek had a couple of hours before his appointment, _everything would be okay, they would both be okay, Meredith was safe_, he reasoned. He just needed to get out and clear his head, ready himself for this afternoon. He walked down the small set of steps and started around the side of the trailer to grab the small shovel he'd planned on using. He pulled the shovel out and started to head down to the clearing. As he walked he realized, he'd likely admit to anyone (_even Addison_) that while she lived out here with him, he would use hiking or fishing as an excuse – _just to avoid everything that had gone wrong in his life_ – it wasn't for the sake of being alone or rejuvenating or a time for reflection, he really just wanted to escape all that his life had become.

But now, now things were different, he had no one to escape from but himself and truthfully he didn't want to – _he wanted to live again_ – feel again, and breathe the clean air again. _It was time to start feeling the joy and potential of this land. _The sky was bright and the weather was surprisingly mild for the moment, the air was warm and damp and it reminded Derek of the first spring rain in New York, the one that was typically warm and washed the remnants of winter away with it, leaving behind nothing but a balmy residue.

He stood still for a moment again, a light wind moved up and over him as he _planted_ his feet there. _Relief washed over him … he was alone._ He smiled and looked up and into the aging Douglas fir trees – _they hung like cloaked monks, their limbs covered with a fabric made of leaves, swaying in the wind without a care in the world_ – the air smelled so good, it remained the most invigorating natural air he had ever breathed in, with just the right combination of earth, pine, composted leaves, salt water and moss. All he could hear was the light push of the wind through the trees and the distant trickle of the water, a bird calling here or there – _and that was it, for miles and miles, for forty acres or even more_ – silence had never been so … alive.

He walked down and around a little bit towards the clearing and marveled at how untouched the land was – _even with the tumult in his life_ – Derek knew he could still count on the predictability and stability of this land … _his homeland_. He longed to feel how he did when he first moved out here– _not the broken man Addison left behind or the man who was hell-bent on hiding of course_ – but the small optimistic part of the man who had this dream of a fresh start.

_Derek wanted to be that man again; he wanted to be the man Meredith fell in love with … and gave her heart to (even if it was in stuck inside that envelope now). _

And, as much as Addison begged and pleaded for them to move off of this treasured land, he would have never done it, for doing that would have been tantamount to giving up the dream of the new beginning. And he wasn't about to do that. It was true, what he so vehemently told her last week – _all he wanted was Seattle (and he really didn't care if ever saw her or Mark again)_ – he just wanted to rebuild his life in peace. He needed peace of mind and to feel peace in the _small piece of his heart_ that remained.

He also knew he would have never built a home out here to share with Addison. _It just didn't feel right, for as much Derek wanted Seattle, deep down, he probably always knew he wouldn't have had Seattle with Addison._ They just didn't mix, although it wasn't about Meredith either as much as it was about hisdesire to move forward and on and out of the hole of his life had become. Somehow when Derek met Meredith she restored his optimism for hope without even trying. He was captivated by her, she mystified him from the moment he met her and he never looked back.

_And so it was true – that after they met again that next day at Grace when fate reared her beautiful head – that Derek's desire for his new beginning became his reality._

For there was this undeniable connection between them – _an invisible fishing line, a tie, a bond, their thing_ – the same one that had saved him over and over and over again since they met. That same link was still fused –_soul to soul_ – even now when he had no idea where she was … yes, Meredith was still with Derek in mind, body and spirit.

_He still felt her all around him – all the time – it was the aura of her, just a whiff, ever-present, safe and secure deep within his heart. _

Derek turned and walked down and over to the right, briefly glancing at Doc's grave, the fresh soil was weathered somewhat now. He knelt down for a closer look at the fresh soil; it was a rich dark brown, full of untapped nutrients and natural fertilizers. _It was not exactly the salt of the earth – but it was his – his to plant seeds of dreams in, his to nurture, his to cultivate … just his._ He looked up and over the small mound of the gravesite, if it were not for the small white stones Derek had placed there, one might not know it was a gravesite at all. It was a simple tribute really, one that Meredith envisioned and he was happy to make for her – _Doc was right where she wanted him to be_ – he stood up and let his eyes roll over the water in front of him. It was still, quiet, calm … everything he was starting to feel inside. His eyes darted down, Derek let his mind rest on Doc and he shook his head then, instantly flooded with shutters of memories from the day he died.

_Meredith's hand submersed in Doc's soft golden fur._

_Derek's fingers brushing against hers for the briefest of moments._

_The electric current that passed between them._

_Invisible fishing lines reattached._

_Souls reunited._

_Meredith's big, round tears._

_The last beat of Doc's heart._

_The tight feeling in Derek's chest._

_Her wide, tortured eyes over the loss of her savior._

_Meredith coming down the steps to the Prom._

_His wide eyes as she danced with Finn._

_Derek's carnal rage over losing her._

_Their fighting words to one another._

_They both cared about the tragic beauty … of them._

_The trail of goose bumps along Meredith's dewy flesh when Derek first touched her with his hands._

_The indentations of her fingernails into his shoulders._

_Meredith's heartbeat under his palm._

_His hands submersed in her wild tresses, Derek's need to wield control over their kisses._

_The taste of her skin._

_Her long fingers around the base of his cock as she led him safely home._

_The familiar warmth of her depths._

_The look of torture-filled pleasure in her gateways as he found their perfect tempo._

_His heartbeat under her palm._

_The euphoria of their bubble._

_Magnets no longer repelled._

_Skin on skin, flesh around flesh, muscles around muscles._

_Blissful oblivion … their clinging bodies …raspy breathing … buoys for each other once again._

_It meant something, what did it mean?_

_The rebirth of their passion, their love or even more simply put … the tragic beauty of them._

_And that he had loved her for … ever._

Derek heard the muted clank of the shovel as it hit the hard earth next to his feet. He was jarred from his reverie, his eyes wet, his heart racing. "Meredith," he heard himself call out breathlessly.

He looked up to find her sea green gateways, but instead was slammed with a blur of movement, _looming fir trees danced all around him in the wind_, it was like nature's kaleidoscope – _leaves, cloud cover, earth, green, white, brown_ – all meshed together for a brief moment in time. His heart raged in his chest, fever pricked his skin, he reached out to find her … but it was hopeless. He felt the tease of her aura, he turned around again to catch her – _but she wasn't there, she wasn't anywhere_ – he was alone.

_Meredith was gone, but she was still here … somewhere._

Derek turned away from Doc's grave and focused on the water instead – _he watched as it moved, shimmying ever so slightly just under the surface_ – the blue-green mossy color was rich, as deep as the life running through it. The sky above him was white, yet hopelessly cloudless and overcast … it was bright, unforgiving and yet for the first time in weeks he could feel the sun's strong rays seep down through the low clouds and cover him like a warm blanket fresh out of the dryer.

_Meredith, where in the world are you? Are you still here?_

She was everywhere, but nowhere all at the same time! Derek felt so lost, so very lost all of a sudden. He thought to call someone to clear his head – _but there was no "someone"_ – no "someone" who would be in his corner at the boxing match. No "someone" who would pick him up after he had been knocked down like he was right now. But he knew this is what it all came down to – _being alone_ – and making it through to the other side. His heart clenched inside his chest – _bang, bang, bang_ – and it wouldn't let up, fear and fever pricked his skin again. Derek was alone and he was scared and those positive feelings he had moments ago all but vanished … because Derek was not this man, the man who was alone and happy about it!

_Because Derek wanted more out of life, he needed more for this new beginning … he ached for Meredith to come back, but not to save him – just to be with him – to be his "someone". He took a deep breath and smiled tightly – he could do this and come out on the other side – he just needed a constant reminder that he had no one to turn to but himself. He was still him, deep down inside, he was still the man Meredith fell in love with!_

_And with that realization, he came to terms with his mission – he would be no good for Meredith until he was healed from his deep-rooted fears of betrayal and trust – and he had to beat it, otherwise he had no hope to go the distance with her. _

So with renewed fervor fueling his heart, Derek decided would take matters into his own hands. He leaned down and grabbed the shovel. He held it in his hands and walked towards the water and then down and to the left. He looked around, there seemed to be a natural ring of old pine trees that encircled the clearing area … a natural boundary of some sort. _He briefly wondered why he never noticed it before._ He turned around in a circle and watched the space around him twirl and twirl as he went and it was like he was seeing the land for the first time all over again – _his eyes were wide, his heart was open_ – and suddenly he was right back where he started! He was back at his new beginning! He stood still and felt the faint warmth from the sun again, a flutter rushed through his body.

_There she is again! Relief consumed him and overshadowed any doubt that remained. _

_He smiled and looked out over the water – it was glimmering, shimmering now – just like Meredith's cherished sunrise, a small miracle of life just for him … proof positive that he wasn't truly alone! Because he felt Meredith with him – for he carried her in his heart, wherever he went – she was there … she was omnipresent. _

"_You're still you?" came her lovely voice and the flash of her beautiful face. _

"_I'm still me," he answered truthfully. _

_And on that thought, he gripped the metal handle of the shovel, leaned down and plunged it into the rich soil – he rammed it deep into the earth with all the power he had in him – he put all of his weight behind it and broke ground – broke the precious ground in which he would build a home – and finally, finally lay down some roots in the here and now!_

_Derek leaned down and grabbed a handful of the damp, dark brown earth. He crumbled it in his hand and let it fall. He took a deep breath in and smelled the earthy remnant as it whipped up and into the variable breeze all around him._

_Change was in the air!_

_Derek closed his eyes for half of a second, Meredith's aura encapsulated him, she was with him in spirit – and today was the day – today he would start to rebuild, he would create a home – he would create a life – he would become whole and healed and ready._

_Meredith was with him, forever and always – their bubble was alive and well – he could feel it now as it gave him strength and hope and everything in between. _

And so, as Derek took one last look around, he knew that he had reached the turning point, the point of no return. Without looking back, he would meet the architect today– _he would rebuild and recognize the potential for this land to become a home_ – he just wanted to belong, he needed to prove to himself and to Meredith that he wasn't going to walk away again. And in that he would have to close a blind eye to the presence of Mark Sloan at Seattle Grace and carryon like business as usual. He would have to try his best to release his mind of trying to figure out why Mark and Addison disregarded him so …why he failed to matter to them. _He would let it all go. He was still him for Christ's sake!_ He would finalize his divorce and be left with nothing but Seattle – _which was all he ever wanted_ – well, that and the enchanting Meredith Grey.

It was true, he was still him … and she was still her (_wherever she was_) … and in the end all he really wanted was for them to be … themselves together.

_He had to have wider eyes like he did at the Prom that night – the night he came to terms with this feelings for Meredith – the night he found clarity, the night he realized he would vanish into the muted depths of nothingness if he didn't try to make something with her._

_He had to see more, he had to live more fiercely and chase his dreams – he had to see the peace and tranquility that could be found within him – he had to learn to embody it, because only then would he be able to seek Meredith out and prove to her that her heart did indeed have a home, that it did not belong in that envelope all by itself._

_And by God, when he found her, he could only pray that she would hear him out and be ready to share this home – the future home of their hearts – with him. _

**Chapter 6 to follow.**


	11. Chapter 6, Fragile, Meredith Grey

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al. **

**Author's Note: If you are reading this story, please comment, it would mean a lot to me. **

**So Sting and this song are like magic … amazing and fragile like we all are sometimes. Find the song if you haven't heard it before. **

**Chapter 6 – Fragile**

Lyrics for Sting's "Fragile":

If blood will flow when flesh and steel are one  
Drying in the color of the evening sun  
Tomorrow's rain will wash the stains away  
But something in our minds will always stay  
Perhaps this final act was meant  
To clinch a lifetime's argument  
That nothing comes from violence and nothing ever could  
For all those born beneath an angry star  
Lest we forget how fragile we are

On and on the rain will fall  
Like tears from a star like tears from a star  
On and on the rain will say  
How fragile we are how fragile we are

On and on the rain will fall  
Like tears from a star like tears from a star  
On and on the rain will say  
How fragile we are how fragile we are  
How fragile we are how fragile we are

**Chapter 6 – Fragile – Meredith Grey**

Meredith stood over a young girl, no more than twelve years of age. She had come to the clinic with her mother hours ago, but eventually she had to go back to attend to the family. Meredith insisted that the girl would be fine to stay on her own until later when one of them would take her home. Owen helped reassure the older woman and after only a moment or two, she acquiesced. To Meredith it seemed the villagers were growing more trusting of them over time and she noticed little examples of that almost daily now. She was treating the girl for an unidentified rash, a deep skin infection – _that somehow had lodged itself next to the bone of her femur_ – she winced as Meredith cleaned her wounds.

"Shh, the worst is over," Meredith whispered, keeping her eyes locked with the girl's while she worked. Of course, she knew the girl couldn't understand her, but she hoped with her soft voice and gentle touch that she would be able to calm and comfort her. "You're okay now," she soothed, a small smile played along her lips as she went back to work.

The natural light in the clinic was dim; rain fell outside with no sign of letting up. There would be fewer people here this afternoon, she mused. The rain kept them at bay for some reason. Perhaps they hunkered down, shying away from any large amounts of nature's water now. She looked outside briefly and watched as the rain pelted down into the brown earth – _dropping from the sky in literal sheets_ – with virtually no place to go. Inches of water lay above the surface now and it reminded Meredith of Seattle.

_A flutter escaped from her heart and flew out into the atmosphere all around her, be still, be calm, it's okay to miss it – it's okay to miss him – she coached herself, having already come to terms with her deep feelings for Derek and the fact that they only seemed to grow stronger without him nearby – for without carrying the memory of him with her – she felt incomplete, imbalanced at best. _

Meredith turned her attention back to her task, locking her eyes with the girl's fearful brown ones, wordlessly making any attempt to quell her fears once again. Meredith's eyes scanned her entire form, she was beautiful and young and yet, she had seen so much tragedy. Her eyes were shaped like almonds, her skin – _aside from the evil wrath of her infection was a flawless deep brown _– perfectly tanned, perfectly lush and supple from years under the sun's warm rays. Meredith smiled once more; she felt the tension in the girl dissipate under her touch as she began to apply some antibacterial ointment to her wounds.

_The girl, named Made, closed her eyes then and lay perfectly still, perfectly trusting. Meredith smiled and surveyed her own skin then, translucent compared to the Made's, except for the many freckles she had collected in the last ten days._ _She found herself scrutinizing Made's worn body – so bruised, so broken – yet slowly healing and rejuvenating as time moved on. She and this girl were so different in circumstance, yet so much alike they almost cancelled each other's pain. Meredith finished her treatment by gently wrapping Made's muscle with protective gauze._

"Looks like the rain will stay for a while now," Owen said, his voice filling the quiet all around them as he walked into the small room. "How is she?" he inquired as he came to stand next to Meredith.

"Hmm, pretty well, her bone was fine, but she'll need to come back. I'll have to give her a kit and teach her how to change the bandages," Meredith stated, curiously looking down at Made, her eyes remained closed. "I think she fell asleep," Meredith whispered, reaching down she moved the girl's long hair away from her perfect heart-shaped face – _she melted a little bit on the inside as her eyes lingered on the girl's sleeping form, the frailty of her young body, evident_ – she was exhausted, yet so at peace, Meredith was reluctant to wake her from her unexpected slumber.

"Lets let her sleep, it's slow enough, probably the wind and rain lulled her there," he offered.

"I'll get her kit ready, anyone else out there?" she asked.

"Nope, Made was the last, we won't see too many today, at least there was a healthy turnout this morning, busier with women and children it seems, since you've arrived," he stated factually. "Let me get her kit, you can finish up with her chart," he said and exited the room. Meredith reached down and grabbed a blanket from the underside of the gurney. She covered Made's body – _a shiver ripped up and down her spine_ – won't her mother be worried about her?

_Meredith sighed and removed her gloves. She deposited them in the trash and exited the room, she would wake Made soon, leave her be for now to sleep in peace and rejuvenate and heal. She promptly grabbed a sweatshirt and pulled it on, suddenly feeling the need to be cloaked, safe and warm for some unknown reason. The air in the entryway was thick with humidity, it smelled of moss and rain and fresh soil and salt water – out with the old, in with the new – nature's way of cleansing the earth._

She sat down with her paperwork at the main desk, switched a small battery-operated light on and uncapped her pen. Meredith trained her eyes on the landscape through the large doorway in front of them. The rain fell with purpose, there was a reason for it – _she closed her eyes_ – she let the sound consume her … she could be in Seattle; for the rain sounded the same, no matter where it fell. She opened her eyes – _the scene in front of her wet, wild with wind, bright green blowing palm leaves, solid earth_ – everything was comingled …they were in the midst of another storm.

Owen came back in with some supplies and like the soldier he still was, he packed Made's kit with precision, always serious, always down to business. Except when he wasn't, for Meredith had come to learn one thing about Owen Hunt very quickly and that was that he was fragile – _in the most masculine way of course_ – but so very fragile nonetheless. She also knew that he cared, about the people here and his mission, but he also cared for the human condition at large and that seemed to encapsulate Meredith too. He asked direct questions – _but he only cared for the honest answer_ – he didn't want an answer if it wasn't from the heart. In many ways he was a tortured soul just like her and in other ways his fortitude and courage reminded her of a strange combination of Alex and Cristina or maybe Bailey – _yes, he reminded her of Miranda Bailey_ – and she sighed on that thought.

"Something's amusing?" Owen asked with half of a grin, looking up from his paperwork. He brought the kit over to the desk, pulled out a chair and sat down next to Meredith.

"Oh, no … you, you remind me of my boss from Seattle Grace," was all she offered.

"How so?" he asked, mentally counting the small vials of ointment, he grabbed a set of inventory papers and got to work.

"In a variety of ways, but mostly … you're strong. You're all about the business, which I know just masks the intense feelings we sometimes have, but I think you have this fine line of knowing how to keep yourself in check – _while balancing your emotions _– and I … I find that admirable," she said softly. Owen smiled weakly, had she touched a nerve?

_Meredith looked down at her paperwork to get back to business herself – but her mind busy now – shutters of Dr. Bailey and then her mother and all of her friends and Derek crowded brain – and she couldn't shake them into nothingness like she had been whilst at the clinic, she had no way to move them to the deep recesses of her mind, for they were with her now._

"Well, if you ever met Dr. Bailey – _she's tortured, she's strong_ – she has a new baby at home and she's just always trying to find the balance, a comfortable balance of all the hats she wears in her life – _trying to have it all and be everything to everyone who needs her_ – she's remarkable," Meredith offered with a smile. She caught Owen's eyes with hers and saw a flicker of a smile cross over his face too. She moved the pen through her fingers, twirling it around and around and around.

"Hmm, it is a balancing act, it is, and no I too have not perfected that yet, but I keep pushing myself to the limits to find it anyway –_beauty marred by tragedy for example_ – seeing it, and living it will only enhance our life experiences … at least that's what I keep telling myself late at night when can't seem to close my eyes," he replied, somewhat resigned to his station of limbo. He turned his head and looked at Meredith, square in the eyes.

"Hmm, so … how can you get yourself to the point where you're balanced and can sleep again?" she asked, always curious for his thoughts. "It's been a while since you've been … balanced, am I right?" she added, learning to push the envelope with him.

"Well, it's my belief that you can have it all in your life – _it's just that it has to be balanced, it's like fate, the natural order of things, the way things were meant to be _– the timing has to be right for our dreams to come to fruition," he said softly. Meredith's heart skipped a beat. "And as far as sleep goes, I've been off-kilter for so long now, as much as I want balance – _and_ _sleep for my tired eyes_ – I can't expect it to come for me," he said resolutely. "I'm nothing if not deeply flawed, Meredith," he chuckled; his best attempt to lighten the mood was made.

_Meredith's mind rolled over Derek then and she let him linger this time without thinking and she wondered if their timing had ever been perfect, even down to their initial meeting – was it truly meant to be or just circumstances that brought them there to that cherished moment – what __was__ balanced that night? What was created that night when their souls first met? Was she balanced before and never knew it – because God help her, she always felt like she was missing something, until she met Derek – so the question was, did Derek bring something to her life that was meant to alter the natural balance of her inner self forever and ever? _

"How do you explain natural disasters like this then – _is the balancing act just another explanation for the horror of what happened here – _ do you think that seismic earthquakes are Mother Nature's way of balancing things out?" she asked cautiously, trying to deflect the conversation away from herself and back to more neutral territory.

"No, there is no explanation – _well, there is a scientific explanation_ – the cause and effect of it all, but really doesn't it just make you stop and think? I mean how did you end up here on the other side of the world, away from everything and everyone you've ever known? It's a decent question, one I'm sure you've been asking yourself," he persisted.

_Meredith's heart raged in her chest, damn it, she silently chastised herself, and not for leaving Seattle because this was a wondrous opportunity to make something out of nothing – to feel when she felt numb – but now she felt the greater potential to lose Derek in the process and she couldn't deny it, for as much as he hurt her … she knew deep down that he balanced her too, it was just that she needed more, more than that for herself to survive them over time. _

"It's true. I do nothing but think about this island and what's happened here, it's all around us all the time," Meredith countered. "But as far as asking myself that question? Well, what put us here were the fragile circumstances of our lives – _the choices we have made, the things we have done, put us here_ – so are you saying it's all part of the natural balancing act within us, that we somehow _belong _here?" she challenged.

_Owen locked his eyes on hers. He sighed and pressed his lips together, put his hand up to his temple and rubbed slightly, perhaps at a loss of what to say to her. She couldn't read him, she only knew how she felt inside and no words could describe the battle going on within her body. Her heart clenched …damn it, what had she done? How was she going to make it right, balance herself out? How on earth would she get this done? She was in too deep; she was drowning from the weight of her unanswered questions. Thunder clapped all around them, shaking the small clinic, bringing Meredith back to her reality._

"How am I ever going to …," she sighed, unable to continue aloud … _balance my life without Derek, without him here with me, how will anything ever feel balanced, she asked herself silently._

"Like I said, I'm deeply flawed, but being here somehow evens me out and I know that you know what I mean," Owen said softly.

Meredith shook her head. She laid her pen on the desk. "But I feel like it's pulling me further away, that I've cast myself out to sea … and might never be found, that I might never find the balance all by myself. I want to believe I can, I just feel lost most of the time," she said sadly, her heart on fire, her mind keen on Derek.

"So," Owen said as he too, lay his pen down. "There was a man?" he asked simply, his question hung in the air.

"Yes," Meredith answered truthfully, thunder cracked around them again, the storm was moving out to sea.

"Is he deeply flawed?" Owen asked, a smirk crossing his face.

Meredith laughed out loud then, so loud her laughter sounded outrageous considering all of the pain and hurt that surrounded them. Owen chuckled along with her. _If he only knew, if he only knew! _Was all Meredith could think as she wiped her glistening eyes with the backs of her hands, _if he only knew!_

"No more than I am," she admitted after a beat; her eyes still cloudy.

"So then it's all about timing then, right?" he asked.

"How do you mean?" Meredith asked.

"Well, if you're meant to be together, it's not a question of _if_, it's just a matter of _when_," he replied softly.

"I suppose you're right," she smiled. "Can I ask you to remind me of that in the middle of the night when I can't sleep?" she kidded.

Her voice rang out into the small area and all became quiet as the rain became more intermittent and the storm began its journey out to the sea that surrounded them. Meredith picked her pen up and began twirling it in her fingers once more.

"So, ah … being here has not changed things for you like you hoped … you wanted to be set free of this man of yours?" he asked.

"No actually," she breathed. "Everything has changed – _except for that one thing –_ it seems that small part of me who simply aches for him and cannot find balance without him," she whispered, more for herself to hear than as a declaration to Owen.

"Well, then no amount of land or ocean you put between you will intimidate that force, you just have to wait for the timing to be right and then you'll naturally be ready for each other," he said simply.

And on Owen's words, the rain all but stopped and everything was quiet. Both of them looked through the doorway. Large droplets of water fell from the oversized palm leaves as they swayed in the variable wind that remained.

"Storm's gone," Owen said quietly.

"Yeah, just like that," Meredith agreed.

Owen stood up and walked to the doorway. Just then a woman walked by, she seemed to come out of nowhere; she was wearing a simple top and a brightly patterned sari … she was a gorgeous soulful woman who seemed to be indigenous of the peace found within this island. Meredith had seen her several times and each time she noted something different about her – _she was a breath of fresh air with her radiant beauty and inviting, yet private physique_ – Meredith couldn't tell how old she was, but she was definitely wise. She watched as Owen nodded his head and she raised her hand to him.

"Who is that?" Meredith inquired. Owen turned around to her. "I've seen her around here and there and … she's mystifying," she added.

"Oh, that's Ketut," he said with a smile. "And you're right, she's an amazing woman, she's the fourth daughter of the fourth-generation of a long line of midwives on the island," he continued.

"Hmm, I thought there was more to her, she always makes eye contact with me and I … I can see now that she's seen miracles," Meredith said softly. "It makes all the difference, don't you think?" she asked Owen.

"She restores the balance, she brings life to the island, with her knowledge and her hands, she calls herself a "baby catcher", she speaks broken English, she's lovely," Owen spoke softly.

"Does she have family here still?" Meredith inquired, standing up, hoping to catch one more glance at Ketut. She walked to the doorway and they walked outside.

"Some perished, some survived," he offered, squinting up and into the bright overcast sky. "She asked about you – _she asked me about you too _– talk about natural balances," he smiled. "She asked me about the woman doctor with the _'gentle white hands'_," he said as he turned to Meredith. "See, she's not the only one who's mystifying," he chuckled as he ducked back inside the clinic, leaving Meredith alone with her thoughts.

_Meredith took a deep breath of the salty fresh air and pressed into her lungs. Another storm had passed and balance had been restored for now. It was true that the world was an imperfect, fragile place, populated with even more imperfect, deeply flawed people … all of whom were looking for balance within themselves and those around them._

Meredith sighed, the sun broke through the clouds and she could see the blue sky for the first time all day. Birds began to call out to one another and life woke up all around her once again. A warm breeze pushed against her back and she leaned into it, feeling the aura of Derek all around her, deep within her deeply flawed self. And that would have to be good enough, for now. She missed Derek – _she more for ached for him, but the sun on her back and his spirit within her soul would have to sustain her until their timing was perfect_ – because Meredith wouldn't accept anything other than the perfect balance of them once they were ready to find each other again.

**Chapter 6 – Fragile – Derek Shepherd to follow.**


	12. Chapter 6, Fragile, Derek Shepherd

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al. **

**Author's Note: If you are reading this story, please comment, it would mean a lot to me. **

**Chapter 6 – Fragile – Derek Shepherd**

"_Pick me. Choose me. Love me."_

Meredith's small voice filled his heart and soul and everything in between. Derek opened a fresh cold beer – _the sound of the air pressure popped in the space all around him_ – he took a long sip of the cool amber liquid and then placed the bottle on the table among the numerous versions of the architect's plans for his new home. He had been pouring over them for an hour already, having just come in from the city after collecting them and meeting Bailey for a quick drink at Joe's. She happened to be off early enough to meet up before she would have to go home, but late enough that it was acceptable to have a drink. When she first called Derek he insisted he was fine and that she should get home, but after hearing that Tucker encouraged her to meet him he felt less guilty for taking her away from little Tuck for that extra hour.

Thunder rumbled, the rain was heavy, a slow storm was moving over the mountain ranges and into the deep valley below. The purposeful rain fell in icy sheets, completely unforgiving – _a flash of Meredith's eyes crossed over his mind then_ – where was she? _Was she still tortured by him?_ He took a deep breath of the damp air to allay his private fears, but the lightening illuminated everything in its path – _time froze, the fragile world stopped_ – and with it came the realization yet again, that he was alone. He was alone now as he waited for the rumble of thunder that would follow the lightening with precision –_oddly, Derek found comfort in that_ – the natural way of Mother Nature's universe.

_Because it confirmed that all was as it should be … that he was meant to be in this moment, right here, right now._

_He had to remember that if he was going to survive alone, but even so Derek still ached for Meredith and it wasn't at all painful – it was more of a dull ache that lodged itself in his heart, a small piece of him that had her name on it – and in some ways he was happy to have that ache with him because it only served to remind him of how much Meredith meant to him and how much a part of him she already was._

_He just hoped the ache of her stayed with him, for it somehow grounded him and it made him feel whole (not yet healed), but whole nonetheless. _

Derek longed for the persistent rain to stop soon, most nights it actually kept him company – _lulled him to that fragile place in his mind where Meredith was waiting for him in his dreams_ – but tonight he wanted it all but gone, for he would leave in the morning for his short fishing trip with Burke and Derek didn't want anything to stand in his way. The wind changed directions, forcing the rain to pelt down on the window next to him. The storm moved against the trailer, rocking slightly._ He was in the thick of it now. _He desperately needed to break away – _hopefully to find balance or the inner peace he was missing_ – except he knew he wouldn't find true peace of mind until he saw Meredith in the flesh again. He was still haunted by that recurring nightmare, the one that ended with Meredith's failed appendectomy. His chest tightened, he took another sip of his beer and closed his eyes against the storm that raged on and on within his body, but it was no use, the guilt ate him alive.

_Every night he waited for it …the nightmare …_

_Every night it came …_

_Every night he mourned the loss of her all over again …_

_He was tortured by it and their separation only made it worse._

_Damn it!_

_Only you can save yourself. Don't drown. Tread water. Don't mourn the loss of her. She will come back again. Find peace. Find balance. _

_You can do this … you can and you will._

_You will move on and build on this land and find the peace to offer to Meredith when the time is right, you can do this, he coached himself. _

The pattern of the rain slowed down, the harsh weather coming to an end, the storm was moving into the valley now – _breathe, breathe, breathe_ – thunder rumbled in the distance. Derek opened his eyes and looked through the window, but all he saw was his haunted reflection. He was a shell of the man Meredith fell in love with … fever pricked his skin.

He turned his attention back to the plans for the small log cabin he had designed with the architect. A crew would be coming out later tomorrow to do their initial site surveys and he couldn't be more relieved about that – _for building out here was the one thing that grounded him and for once he liked dreaming of a future for this land_ – for himself and hopefully for Meredith too, a place to call home, a home for their hearts. In truth, he needed this project to pour himself into on the off-hours – _he needed to be able to dream out here and building a home would be a start_ – building a home somehow made it all real. He looked down and made note of the perfect symmetrical format of the log cabin – _it would be beautiful, ornate, stunning even, next to the water_ – yet simple and inviting and warm too, just like Meredith.

_A flutter passed over Derek then and he hardly knew what to do with it, for the sensation was dangerously close to excitement and it had been so very long since he felt excitement and anticipation run through his veins. It was true that since he moved to Seattle he had been living under a veil of uncertainty and only now was coming to terms with the speed in which he had been running from himself and the lies and deceit that relentlessly pursued him._

His eyes rolled over the plans once more, he ran his fingertips over the light blue paper – _the standard architect notations and directives screamed out to him_ – but he only saw the extraordinary – _this was his home, his future home_ – this was so much more than the status quo for Derek. He rested his hand over the words **MASTER BEDROOM** and his chest tightened. He let his mind fall on Meredith and didn't try to move her away; he let her linger there for a moment, right where she was meant to be. His eyes became cloudy, the words became blurred, but he kept his fingertips flush against the letters and closed his eyes. He took a deep breath and was lost again inside himself.

_He was alone, this was okay, he was meant to be here in this moment, all of his actions, words and decisions put him here – so he had no choice but to make sense out of it, balance it, build a home – separate from Meredith._

She's doing what she needs to do to survive, like Bailey said, she's taking care of herself and he shouldn't worry about her – _he_ _should only focus on himself and becoming enough for her_ – because he knew Meredith was enough for him, and Bailey was right … he'd known that for a long while now.

"_Pick me. Choose me. Love me."_

***

Derek sat across from his trusted friend, they were stationed in the back of Joe's, the crowd was light and thankfully he did not see anyone he knew. He scanned Bailey's face, her worry evident. Things hadn't been easy for either one of them in the last several months, it's no secret that life had been harder than hell and deep down Derek knew that Miranda Bailey was a tortured soul, perhaps just as much as he.

_He turned his head and scrutinized her, outside of her element, outside of the safety of Seattle Grace, where she seemed to exist between two planes all by herself, for she was the keeper of reality and spirituality for many._

Bailey took a sip of her drink as she talked to him about little Tuck, a small smile played along her lips and Derek's eyes softened as he thought about how surprised he was to learn she was married. For some reason it never occurred to him, but so much more of her made sense after that moment – _when he asked her what he should do, the night he needed to make that choice, between the old and the new_ – he was looking for guidance then, much like he was now. _Time had not changed his circumstances after all; only now he didn't have to wonder who was right for him, he only knew that he chose wrong._ He sighed as Bailey explained how hard it had been to find some balance in her life – _her home life and work life were constantly at odds _– and sooner or later she felt something would become the sacrificial lamb and one thing was for sure … she said it wouldn't be little Tuck.

"Why does it all have to be so painful? I have this dull ache that won't go away, how can I ease the pain?" she asked, taking a sip of her beer.

"I don't know. I'm lost within the ache … can't you just tell me what to do Bailey?" Derek asked, leaning back, he swirled his wrist around, moving the liquid in his tumbler.

"You know I can't do that. Plus, you already know what to do, remember?" she answered, raising her brow, challenging him this time. "And if you would have followed your _fragile heart_ into the darkness of Meredith Grey when you first asked me that question … I doubt we would be sitting here right now!" she admonished.

"Well, we might be sitting here, having a drink together, but I'd likely know where Meredith was, both spiritually and physically, and more than likely I would have peace of mind," he mused softly.

Bailey sighed and trained her large brown eyes on Derek's – _what had he done_ – was only thing running through his head. Bailey took another sip of her drink, Derek finished his scotch.

"You miss her now, tell me how bad it is," she stated.

_Derek pressed his lips together, surely you can tell Bailey the truth, he muttered to himself._

"I'm mourning the loss of her, even though I feel certain I will see her again – _it's the way she left town, it's killing me inside_ – I'm miserable without her around … I'm lost, completely imbalanced without her," he confessed, catching Bailey's eyes. "Can't you just –"

"Don't ask me where she is," Bailey interrupted in defense. "You have to trust her to tell you when she's ready, when the time is right, you have to learn to trust her, Derek!" she sighed heavily.

"I know," he sighed. "I know," he repeated.

"You should have let her choose you – _eventually she would have, you know _– she would have chosen you once she trusted you again, but you never gave her the chance!" Bailey offered.

"_Where is she? Where is she?"_

"I really screwed up this time," Derek stated flatly.

"I won't argue with that," Bailey agreed, Derek watched the fire in her eyes return; it sparked whenever Bailey admonished someone.

He shifted in his seat and leaned forward again. "Can't you at least tell me she's safe?" he asked into the space between them, his words hung in the air. The bar came to life again, filling up the silence between the two friends.

"No, I can't," she sighed, her hands resting on the table in front of them.

"_How's the girl with the bomb?"_

"You can't?" he asked incredulously. "You _cannot_ tell me she is safe, where in the hell is she Bailey?" he asked, his voice cracked with alarm.

_He blinked hard, flurries of thoughts pinged his brain, a panic attack percolated way down deep – Meredith's lifeless body open on the table, running to get to her, the black abyss of his dream that always ate him alive – the unwanted images hit him with force, he opened his eyes quickly, returning to reality. _

"No, I can't," she sighed resolutely. "But you should have faith in her Derek, she's strong – _she's tortured, but she's strong_ – she's just is struggling to find the balance, like we all are – _she's remarkable, you know that_ – and she'll survive, she's just doing what she needs to do in order to survive … trust me," Bailey stated firmly.

"Trust you," Derek replied, he could do that, it was trusting himself he had a problem with.

"Yes. Trust me, hell, trust _yourself_ that you'll survive this too – _we all work to overcome our shortfalls don't we_ – I mean, if we aren't trying to perfect ourselves than what the hell is the point? _If we aren't growing, learning, trying to find balance … what do we do instead_?" she asked.

"Why do you think I want you to tell me what to do? I keep screwing up," Derek whispered. "Do I build this home and hope she comes back? Do I put myself out there in the hope that I can convince Meredith that she's all I'll ever need? _Don't you see; there's no balance in my world without her!" _he said, his voice cracking, he was one syllable away from losing it.

"Derek," she sighed.

"Tell me what I need to know, please, can't you just tell me where she is?" he pleaded softly, desperately.

"I can't, Derek. Don't you see, life is bigger than us – _when you love someone, it isn't just about you anymore, it's about the bigger picture_ – and you have to trust yourself that you'll eventually be at the right space in time, that you will have seen what you needed to see in order to arrive there," she said softly. "I mean, look at me, the stick finally turned blue and hell no, it wasn't the right time for that to happen, but you know what, nine months later, it was!" she smiled, tears gathering in her eyes.

"The timing became right, you paused and –"

"I did, but then it became right and we were blessed, even though Tuck came under less than ideal circumstances," she smiled. "Our timing was right that day … and don't make me remind you that your timing was perfect that day too, the choices you made saved Tucker," she said softly in recollection.

"_It's Meredith. The girl with the bomb is Meredith."_

"So, build the house and build a life," Derek stated evenly.

"Yes – _make your fate, choose your destiny, balance yourself_ – maybe the time for you and Meredith isn't upon you … yet," she sighed with a smile.

"Choose my destiny," Derek repeated.

"_Pick me. Choose me. Love me."_

***

With renewed clarity, Derek realized the storm had passed, the rain all but gone now, traveling with its slow speed out to sea and beyond. He came out of his deep thoughts then, his skin still pricked with fear and fever. _He looked down; his fingers still flush against those precious letters._ He let his eyes roll over the plans – _his choice for a home, his directives, his dream_ – and he smiled. He thought to roll them up, but decided against it. _He would lay them out; he would leave them here, out in the open._ He pushed his chair back from the table and stood. He crossed the small area, poured the rest of his beer out and slipped into the bathroom for a quick shower.

He turned the shower on and it came to life. He brushed his teeth while he waited for the water to heat up, making eye contact with himself in the mirror – _you can do this, you can and you will _– choose your destiny, your fate. He rinsed his mouth and toothbrush off. Humid air engulfed the small room; Derek stripped his clothing off and stepped into the scalding hot water.

_He let the water pelt down on his back, allowed it to wash away any and all debris from the bomb of the storm and the choices he made. _

He leaned back into the water and let it fall over his head in sheets; it warmed him on the outside, while he found the beautiful aura of Meredith warming him from the inside. _The familiar dull ache of her came again and he smiled, for he wasn't alone. _Bailey was right, he had to trust himself and he had to learn trust Meredith. And they would survive, they would learn, they would grow and when the timing was perfect … they would come together again and bask in the miracle of them.

**Chapter 7 to follow.**


	13. Chapter 7, The World I Know, DS

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al. **

**Author's Note: The story switches gears here, I wrote these chapters as one chapter, then split them up for posting … it's Derek's turn to take the lead her with action, to move the story along, his POV is first for the next couple of updates. If you are reading this story, please comment, it would mean a lot to me.**

**If you know Collective Soul, then you know this song, "The World I Know", if you go to youtube and type this into the search field: **_**The World I know Acoustic**_**, you'll pull up a recording of the band playing this song on a street corner in Morocco, the best recording I've ever heard of the song. Enjoy.**

**Chapter 7 – The World I Know**

Lyrics for Collective Soul's "The World I Know":  
Has our conscience shown?  
Has the sweet breeze blown?  
Has all kindness gone?  
Hope still lingers on.  
I drink myself of newfound pity  
Sitting alone in New York City  
And I don't know why.

Are we listening?  
Hymns of offering.  
Have we eyes to see?  
Love is gathering.  
All the words that I've been reading  
Have now started the act of bleeding  
Into one.

So I walk up on high  
And I step to the edge  
To see my world below.  
And I laugh at myself  
While the tears roll down.  
'Cause it's the world I know.  
It's the world I know.

**Chapter 7 – The World I Know – Derek Shepherd**

"_Hope still lingers on."_

Derek stared at the smoldering fire; the flames danced wildly in the wind, almost sparring with each other, the colors, vibrant – _red, blue, white, orange, yellow_ – spoke volumes about the danger contained within each lick, each flare of the fiery substance. Extreme heat radiated through Derek now, melting any and all nerve-endings he had left. God, he wished he loved being out here like he should – _out and away from his life, out and away from the OR, out and away from all of the mistakes he'd made_ – and he imagined if things were different, that he would not feel like he was still running.

_And then there was the beautiful dull ache of Meredith – his love, his savior, his other half – she was so deeply imbedded in him now and he wasn't able to compartmentalize her at all anymore, for she ran through his veins like water through a river. So much so that he was resigned to ache for her and being out here and away from the craziness of his life had only intensified her presence deep within him. For that small part of Meredith, the dull ache, held on for dear life as he fought the urge to run and hide. And by hide, he didn't mean from her, but from his own fear that they might never realize their perfect timing. _

The sky was just beginning to turn dark and Derek could only make out the looming pine trees via the light from the fire that bounced back and forth over the campground area – _it was just after 7 PM, but Derek had no worry for time_ – out here time held no meaning and if things were different, he might even feel like he had all the time in the world. _But instead the passage of time ate away at him from his core, for his deep worry over Meredith was growing in him without regard to what he trained his mind to think._ He sighed and watched the hot air from his mouth swirl up and around into the damp night air.

Derek watched Burke exit his tent and carefully walk toward the fire now. They hadn't said much, both men were seemingly lost in their own thoughts for most of the day. Derek knew something was troubling Burke though … the man was riddled with worry over something. But Derek also knew not to push him – _for Preston Burke was anything but a pushover_ – so he decided to not press him … for now. After all, Burke was one of the only friends Derek had at the moment. He smiled inwardly, it could be worse; he could be alone out here with no one to talk with if things got rough. Training his eyes on the fire once more, he became lost in their sinuous movements as his mind drifted to Meredith and only then did his smile fade away.

_Where was she? Was she safe? Was she warm and out of harm's way?_

A shiver coursed through his body – _his__nerves on heightened alert once again_ – there truly was no relief for the weary. Not knowing where Meredith was in the world was killing him. He could think of little else –_he was happy to be on this trip with Burke, he needed it, to get away from it all_ – from Addison and Mark and all the deceit that hung in the air at Grace, he needed it … but being out here also gave him time to think and with that time to think his mind instinctually sought Meredith, there was no way to run and hide, she held on tight and he was a captive audience.

_Just trust her, she knows what she's doing, she's the strongest person you know – just have trust – he coached himself. _

"_Love is gathering."_

Derek looked up from the flickering heat as Burke's footsteps fell closer. He was bundled up in a warm jacket; Derek recalled Burke mentioning his muscles' achy response to the cold, damp air. He nodded to Burke and pushed the fire with a long stick – _small sparks of life escaped from the flames_ – only to sizzle and disappear into thin air. His trusted friend sat down across from him and pulled an apple from his pocket and then another one and offered the second to Derek.

Derek reached around the fire and took the apple. "Thanks," he said.

Derek took a bite, the apple was crisp and inviting and clean and fresh. It was crunchy; there really wasn't anything like a good apple. Burke held his apple steadily in his hand.

"It's pretty mild tonight," Burke offered, his voice soft, mellow, reflective.

"It is, thanks for coming out here with me," Derek muttered.

He took another bite from the apple, juice flooded his mouth, the fruit was simply a good treat – _it reminded him of being a young boy_ – fishing, chomping on apples. He smiled genuinely then, for he had to admit – _it had been an awesome day_ – the sky was marbled with just the perfect balance of cobalt blue and white – _the weather, mild, damp, but not wet_ – ideal conditions for fly-fishing.

"You're smiling," Burke stated factually.

"I guess I am," Derek said with amusement. "This whole thing with Meredith disappearing, it just makes me appreciate the _smaller__things, the things we don't even know exist_, she makes me think even more now, that's all," he replied. "I couldn't explain more if I tried," Derek chuckled.

Burke's large dark eyes darted around Derek's, finally settling on the fire in between them. Derek took another bite of his apple – _tart, yet sweet_ – it was a perfect end to a near-perfect day.

"Do you want mine?" Burke asked, holding the apple out, his hand shaking slightly as he did.

"Nah, you have it," Derek smiled, taking the last couple of bites. He tossed the core into a nearby cluster of pine trees. Burke held his apple still.

"Do you ever wonder why things happen?" Burke asked into the crackling silence between them. The wind changed directions and the hot air from the fire moved over Derek now … he was in the proverbial hot seat. "I mean that Mark Sloan, he's bad news, but he wasn't always that way," Burke stated.

"No, he wasn't always bad news, for most of my life he was my brother – _I have four very annoying sisters and Mark was my brother, maybe even more so because we aren't related_ – but his deception took that away from both of us in the end," Derek sighed, unable to move his mind away from the sore topic. "I can't wrap my hands around how I deserved that, I mean, they have no regard for me as a person, forget brother or husband," Derek rambled on, his heart raged inside his chest.

_Damn it! He needed relief, he needed to move on … he needed to forgive, but not forget. Why did they do it? Why did they change the world as they all knew it? Besides being a distant husband – why on earth – still even today, he wondered why it happened and then it hit him again, the reason why – Meredith, Meredith, Meredith – these moments of clarity, they came like waves crashing at the shore sometimes._

"But then you moved here and you met Meredith," Burke offered.

"Yeah," Derek smiled. "She's the silver lining … she's the reason why," he said wistfully, his ache for her deepened slightly. "I'm blessed I met her that night at Joe's and then the next day at work – _she kind of restored all sorts of hope that was lost on me_ – she did that without even trying," Derek rambled on with a smile.

"She expected more from you than you did from yourself," said Burke, more as a statement of fact than a question.

"She did, I hope she still does," Derek said, sighing deeply.

"Can I ask you, why did you do what you did to her?" Burke asked, his curiosity evident.

"Fear," Derek said without hesitation. "I was scared to death to lose her and the thing is, that small amount of fear I had just kept multiplying exponentially until it was completely out of my control and I became someone else entirely, someone I secretly despised …," his voice trailed off into the wind, his confession carried away by the air.

"She forgave you, she loved you. She would have come back to you. I think … she is rich with compassion," Burke offered evenly.

"She is," Derek smiled in recollection. "I'm trying to trust myself – _that I can do right by her_ – but it's hard, I'm not sure if …,"

"She'll be fine, she's tenacious," Burke offered.

"That's about the only thing I do _know_," Derek chuckled. "She's strong, she's the strongest person I know," he added.

"Are you going to go after her?" Burke asked. "Or let her come back when she's ready?" he persisted.

"Probably a little bit of both," Derek chuckled. "I can't just wait around!" he said, pushing the fire with the stick. "It's killing me – _the pressure of it all_ – it's eating me alive," he admitted, his heart engulfed in his own flames now, his eyes locked on Burke's.

_All was silent for moment then, Derek watched Burke and secretly wondered if maybe he knew where Meredith was, but that his hands were tied like everyone else's. Burke caught his eyes for a moment and then looked beyond him into the darkness that surrounded them –suddenly Burke looked lost, detached, but also like he let something go, became resigned to something – perhaps he had released some of his own tortured soul._

_All was quiet for a beat; the wind blew over the campsite, moving the leaves and the fire along with it – pushing the heat away from Derek and towards Burke – the proverbial hot seat had moved. The wind pushed and pushed the cold air against Derek's back and he watched as the flares moved towards Burke and from his vantage point, it looked like he was engulfed in the wild flames! _

"_Has our conscience shown?"_

"There's a tremor," Burke confessed quietly, never moving his eyes from the darkness.

"What?" Derek asked, horror – _or something close to it ripped up and down Derek's body_ – splitting him at his core.

"In my hand. There's a tremor. I thought maybe it would heal, bond, find a natural compensation, but ah ... the nerves, we have to do something," he replied, finally locking his eyes on Derek's. "Something has to be done, the world I know is ... gone," he added.

"Why did you wait to tell me?" he asked, his words hung in the damp air, his heart went wild and despite the cold air on his back, fever pricked his skin.

"The same reason you didn't tell Meredith you were married," Burke said frankly, but without judgment.

"Fear, it got the better of us, I wish I knew sooner," Derek sighed, his stomach rolled. "Can you show me?" Derek asked.

"Nah, comes in waves, it's not consistent … I can't save anyone this way," he whispered his admission like it was a death sentence.

_Derek stood up and moved to sit in the hot seat with Burke. He sighed as he sat down. Both men were lost in the heat of the fire for beat longer, the flames licking them both now._

"We'll handle it, first thing we'll do when we get back," Derek assured, watching the white hot tips of the flames. "I'm sorry, as your doctor and your friend," he sighed. "The day I cleared you was the day of Meredith's appendectomy, I was … preoccupied –_ I was no good for anyone_ – I'll never forget how consumed I was over that," he apologized, images from his nightmare swirled in his head then, he shrugged them off.

"Well, I should have said something long ago, but as time moved on, I just let it go and then Cristina you know, she also expects more from me than I do from myself," he said in recollection. "She gave me an ultimatum, tell you or she would…," his voice trailed off into the night.

Derek pressed his lips together. "They are full of surprises … they are different than other women," he offered.

"Yes, these women. Yes they are," Burke agreed. "Maybe we'll never know them, really know them," he added.

_Derek looked down at Burke's hand and then back to the flames of the fire – thankfully the wind had changed directions again – the men were somewhere in between hot and cold at the moment … just like their temperaments, Derek equated. His mind fell on Burke's last statement and fear crippled him again._

_What if Burke was right?_

_What if he would never really know Meredith?_

_What if she never came back?_

_What if the words she wrote to him in her letter would really serve as her last?_

_How would he ever recover from that? _

_Old questions remained unanswered, except that he knew he would not be able to move on – he knew he was not going to survive without Meredith – or at least without making a valiant effort in soothing the small ache of her that rested deep within him. _

"She wrote a letter for me," Derek confessed, his vocal admission shocked him.

"What did it say?" Burke asked, giving Derek a sidelong glance.

"I don't know," Derek whispered, emotion he hadn't expected lodged itself in his throat. He kept his eyes trained on the fire.

"You didn't read it?" Burke asked, a sliver of alarm in his voice.

"No. Should I read it?" Derek asked, looking at Burke now.

"Are you apprehensive to read it because you're scared or because you don't want it to be over?" Burke asked.

"The latter," Derek said definitively. "I don't want to read her good-bye," he added.

"Well, as long as it's not out of fear, then I'd have to say, no … don't read it," Burke counseled.

"Act of out of truth, not out of fear," Derek stated, smiling tightly, for it was true, fear had gotten the pair of them nowhere and fast.

"Right, act of out of truth and not out of fear and what do you have to lose?" Burke asked.

"Nothing and everything all at the same time," Derek sighed.

"Should I be worried about this tremor?" Burke asked.

"No, not until I take look and see what we're dealing with," Derek said softly, his eyes back on the fire.

"First thing when we get back then, I'll talk to the Chief, we'll work on a plan for the nerves and for finding Meredith," Burke suggested.

"Once I know what we're up against, I'll figure something out – _if it's repairable I can fix it_ – I can fix the nerves in your arm, they're tangible. It won't be easy, but it's more than likely I can repair the damage," Derek sighed. "I'm not so sure I can fix this thing with Meredith though," he added, his voice quiet.

"But you do want to fix it with her?" Burke asked.

"God, I want to, I just hope at some point our timing will be right, I wish there was some kind of sign," Derek said into the quiet darkness. He kept his eyes on the fire in front of them and was lulled by the dancing flames. "I wish there some kind of power within me that would put my mind at ease, allow me to sleep at night instead of worrying about every small part of her," he said softly, more to himself than to Burke. "Bailey says that sometimes what happens in life is bigger than us, that circumstances have bigger meanings and that I need to learn to trust – _and I do, I have a small amount of trust_ –that thing between us is far from over," he rambled on, his voice laden with his heavy heart.

_And as Derek's words hung in the air, Burke held his hand out in front of him. Derek watched with interest as the rumble of a tremor rocked the nerves in Burke's arm and hand, literally shaking it to life._

"There it is," Burke said softly. "Do you see that?" he asked, holding his arm out.

"I do. I see it," he said to his trusted friend.

Burke held his trembling hand out for a beat longer – _the flames lapping at his wounded nerves_ – matching the tremble shake by shake. He clasped his fingers together to halt the movement and brought his hands down to his lap. The two men sighed heavily in unison.

Derek's mind rolled over what kind of plans he would need to fix Burke's nerves – _but_ _one thing was for certain_ – Derek was done with fear. He was done with running out of fear too. Instead of waiting for a sign or signal from Meredith – _he would build the cabin and create a life like he planned, change the world as he knew it_ – his actions would say, _"I'm here for good, I have no fear, I have only love for you … no matter what happens in life,"_ and those would be his signals for her to have and to hold until she was ready to reveal hers.

In due time, he would seek her out, he would not run, he would not hide. And instead he would open his eyes wider to the truth and seek and find what he always knew was there – _trust in himself, the man, the doctor_ – and trust in Meredith to find the signs she was looking for so she too could hold herself together until their timing was perfect.

"_Have we eyes to see?"_

**Chapter 7 – The World I Know – Meredith Grey to follow.**


	14. Chapter 7, The World I Know, MG

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al. **

**Author's Note: So here's the deal. What happens in this section, what's revealed was intimated to the reader since the inception of the story, there are words and feelings to describe what has happened since its inception. So if you are so inclined, go back and read and do the treasure hunt, I promise you won't be disappointed AND if you had already guessed, then kudos to you. ENJOY!**

**If you have been reading and enjoying this story, could you let me know about it, seriously it would mean a lot to me.**

**Chapter 7 – The World I Know – Meredith Grey**

"_Hope still lingers on."_

Dim lights invaded Meredith's mind, body and spirit, she saw flashes of that night, the one she so desperately wanted to put aside, yet found herself completely drawn to – _for_ _Derek's hold on her, it was tight_ – tighter than ever before and she was done trying to break away. Flashes, intermittent now, the familiar sensation of his lips covered her body; the familiar scent of him – _of them_ – invaded her nostrils and stuck there like sweet honey. Her body responded to his ministrations without her consent – _she could get away from it, the dull ache of him had lodged itself to her soul_ – for she had been deemed its keeper. She tried to turn away, her heart beat wildly in her eardrums now – _the sensations so overpowering, so real – _he may as well have been with her.

_Derek, Derek, Derek, his wide eyes bore into hers – she saw him and he saw her, almost as if it was for the very first time – and with that, she was back to the day of Doc's death, to the night of the Prom._

She decided to brace herself for what was to come – _flutters of their last series of intimate moments together crowded her brain now_ – and here was no place for her, she was consumed. So instead of fighting them off she succumbed to the heavy weight of their emotional meaning once again – _somewhere in between_ – the world she once knew and the world she so desperately wanted. In the end, she did what she always did, she allowed herself to become lost within the dull ache of the only man she ever loved.

***

_Her hand submersed in Doc's soft golden fur._

_Derek's fingers brushing against hers for the briefest of moments._

_The electric current that passed between them._

_Invisible fishing lines reattached._

_Souls reunited._

_Derek's glistening eyes, unshed emotion._

_The last beat of Doc's heart._

_The tight feeling in her chest._

_Derek's wide, tortured eyes over the loss of their safe connector._

_The look on his face as she came down the steps to the Prom._

_Her wide eyes on Derek as she danced with Finn._

_Their fighting words to one another._

_Derek's secret torture revealed … he can't stop seeing her._

_The revelation … they __both__ cared about the tragic beauty that defined them. _

_The small spark of life that ignited deep in her core at the first touch of his lips._

_The perfect crescent moon indentations her fingernails left on his shoulders._

_Derek's heartbeat under her palm._

_His hands submersed in her wild tresses, his need to wield control over their kisses._

_Meredith's willingness to give that to him._

_The taste of his skin._

_The velvety soft skin around his rock hard cock, his veins pulsing with need as she led him safely home._

_His perfect fit within her muscles as he rocked her into bliss._

_The look of torture-filled pleasure in his gateways as he found their perfect tempo._

_Her heartbeat under his palm._

_The euphoria of their bubble._

_Magnets no longer repelled._

_Skin on skin, flesh around flesh, muscles around muscles … all connected, all joined in harmony._

_Blissful oblivion … their connection restored forevermore._

_It meant something, what did it mean?_

_The rebirth of their passion, their love or even more simply put … that she had loved him for … ever. _

***

Meredith opened her eyes wide to the new day, and as she did she heard her distant voice coming from deep within her subconscious and breaking through into the real world, her small room on the near-ruined island. Her voice always sounded the same – _passion-filled, hoarse, broken, desperate and far away_ – like through a deep underground tunnel. Her calls for Derek always rang around in the empty space of her room – _DEREK, DEREK_ – like the whistle of a forgotten tea kettle.

Meredith rolled over and sighed, she peeked at the clock – _it was just after 11 AM_ – she had slept for only four hours and she needed more. Derek's aura encapsulated her and she snuggled down into the thin cotton sheet for moment longer – _her skin pricked with heat, although it had nothing to do with the natural damp humidity of the island, Derek, Derek_ – she willed him to stay with her in the here and now … in this world here. She let the warm energy cover her like hot water from a shower and she basked in the beauty they once shared – _stay with me – _she pleaded silently. And he did.

Only then did Meredith fully open her eyes to the day. Her room was brighter, only small short shadows played along her walls, the bright sun peaking through the palm tree outside her window, and then again through the thin filter of the sheer white curtain. She sighed into the space all around her and pushed herself back onto the headboard. She blinked hard, forcing herself back into reality.

She was exhausted, no perhaps fatigued would be a better sounding word. She and Owen had hosted a nighttime clinic the evening before and then headed straight into some trauma work so that by 6 AM Meredith could barely keep her eyes open. She wondered briefly where her stamina had gone, but chalked it up to change because everything was different out here on this island. Villagers were in dire straits – _pure survival stuff was the theme_ – many had nothing left but their family members who had survived along with them, so their fear in losing even more lifelines was tantamount to _truly_ losing everything.

_Most could not communicate with them and all of them were scared. Meredith had seen some patients come in with villagers she had treated before, which she and Owen agreed was a good sign … their fear was dissipating and it was slowly being replaced by trust._

Meredith sighed and closed her eyes briefly, she should go back to sleep, she didn't have to be at the clinic for several more hours, she should sleep so she could be of some use, but the dream of Derek had called for her and now for better or for worse she was awake. Her eyes darted along the walls of her room again. She spotted her cell phone on the small desk in the corner and thought to call her voicemail, but mentally dismissed the idea. She swept her eyes to the chair against the wall where some journals, both personal and medical sat, along with the survival guide Alex had given her. She smiled in remembrance, but the smile faltered slightly when she thought about the letter she had given Alex that night. _Had Derek read her letter?_ She sighed resolutely and then her eyes came to rest on the bright and shiny red apple one of the village boys had given her yesterday. It was the most colorful object in her room and it stood out like a jewel or something close to it.

Without thinking, Meredith got out of bed and crossed the room to the desk. She took the apple in her hands, it was clammy to the touch, but hard and smooth, without bruises. She held the apple in her hands for a beat longer, before she grabbed a bottle of water and headed to the sink to wash it. She poured the water over the apple and dried her hands. She took a bite of the crisp apple and smiled, the face of the angel of a boy who gave it to her crowded her mind. She took another bite and crossed the room to get a glimpse of the sky; it was almost cloudless, ideal walking weather.

_And on that thought, she decided she would make the short jaunt over to the holy temple before she would make her way to the clinic in the afternoon. She somehow felt that going to the temple and submersing herself in the culture of the people here would forge a greater connection with them and with the deep part of herself she was trying to heal and rejuvenate. She made to ready herself to go and while she did, she took another bite of the apple and secretly relished the idea of enjoying one of Mother Nature's more perfect treats._

***

An hour later Meredith stood outside the entrance gateway of Pura Rambut Siwi. The humid air swallowed her whole and a light breeze moved through the trees all around her, the air smelled sweet and completely invigorating despite the oppressive humidity. She reached inside her bag and switched her cell phone to vibrate. Meredith was wearing a tank top with a light linen long sleeve shirt over the top of that. She had a pair of board shorts on but had just tied a colorful sarong around her waist, remembering the temple etiquette she glossed over in one of her ample travel books.

She looked up and over the stone boundary wall of the temple grounds and from her vantage point; she could see just the very top of the eleven-roofed Meru, which is the tallest shrine within the temple and her point of interest for today. The temple was beautiful and ornate and had stood the test of time; Meredith reached up and ran her finger over the intricate stonework that graced the tower of the temple gate. She once read that every square centimeter of the temple gateway is carved with design and a diminishing series of demon faces adorned the top of the gate to ward off evil spirits. She looked up and saw the demon faces now and a small smile played along her lips. She glanced to the right of the tower gate and spotted a small sign, it read – _"Be well-dressed, Be respectful, Be ritually clean"_ – Meredith read the words – _stumbling over the last phrase _– making note of her sarong and covered shoulders and passed through the gate and into graceful limelight of the temple.

"_Has the sweet breeze blown?"_

Once inside, Meredith took a couple of steps into the courtyard area and just turned around and around, slowly, getting her bearings, testing the energy. She felt an inner peace come over her – _it gently pummeled her like a soothing back rub_ – the sun was so bright for the moment, it illuminated the whole area to the point where life literally sprang from every nook and cranny within. She felt a flutter pass over her, the beautiful energy encapsulating her with no intention of letting go. Meredith couldn't describe it if she tried – _but for some odd reason, here in this spiritual moment_ – she felt Derek and she smiled. The temple was relatively empty at the moment, but even if it were crowded, Meredith had the sense that she would be able to find her own spirit here with relative ease.

Meredith stepped through the side gate on her way to her destination. Bright green plant life alternated with intricate shrines and wood-carvings along the walls – _more and more demon faces stared back at her_ – one after the other after the other. Many of the small shrine statues had typical offerings from the early morning – _sweet rice and fruit, fragrant flower and burned incense_ – which left behind a sweet, musty odor. The temple was quite possibly the most beautiful grouping of structures she had ever seen up close and even more so because they were still standing after the tsunami. She shivered to think about what might have been lost here.

Meredith knew that all temples were oriented _mountains-sea_ (not north-south), so that the holiest of the shrines were located in the back of the temple in the direction of the mountains and this was her destination. She wanted to be secluded for a moment in time, just to soak it all in – _to rejuvenate, heal, grow_ – and learn to live without fear in this world in the here and now and embrace it, love it and own it and move forward.

She wanted to let go of her desire to push Derek away. She also wanted to do this in a sacred place so it would mean something to her. _She just wanted to accept that Derek was here with her in spirit._ She wanted to accept her desire for Derek because she also knew that her time here was bigger than her, or him or even them. In the end, Meredith knew that eventually the time would be perfect for them, Owen's words rolled around her mind and she held on tight to his words because she believed him – _in her soul she knew they were meant to be and she didn't really need more confirmation than that_ – for she was resigned to love Derek forevermore and her deep feelings for him had only grown exponentially with their separation.

Meredith entered the last courtyard now, there was a small ledge of a wall and leaned against it and took it all in. A few villagers and a couple of tourists were facing the shrine, its multi-level roof structure was over-powering, it dwarfed Meredith and she knew that was the point. She looked at the ornate demon faces to her left along the far wall and smiled, they were growing on her and she felt safe and warm and completely at ease to cleanse her spirit. The tourists turned their backs on the shrine and walked away.

_She looked up into the sky then; the highest temple roof was outlined by the bright white cloud that hovered above it. She closed her eyes and felt that warm radiant heat pour down over her, she relaxed into it and let herself go, ever so slightly, she relaxed the ties on her soul and she felt like a free-form for a moment in time. _

_She felt bigger than herself. _

She opened her eyes and was stunned by her vision. It was Ketut, the glorious midwife, she was wearing a brightly colored sarong with a traditional selandong (a scarf) tied at her waist. She was even more beautiful here – _her serenity of her holy spirit_ – or maybe her station in life here on the island was evident. The sun peeked through the large white cloud and shone down on her shoulders in wordless adoration. She turned slightly and smiled softly at Meredith. Meredith returned the smile and only then did she approach.

"Hello doctor," she said, her voice melodic, soft. She smiled widely and revealed her perfect rows of perfectly white teeth.

"Hello … Ketut," she replied evenly, saying her name with precision. The woman smiled widely. "I am Meredith, call me Meredith," Meredith said slowly.

"Meri," Ketut said with a smile, she nodded for approval.

"Meri is fine," Meredith answered.

"You are here to look," Ketut surmised, turning to lean against the wall with Meredith.

"I am," Meredith agreed.

"You finish running?" Ketut asked with another smile.

"I think so," Meredith said, her heart raced on Ketut's assumptions.

"Good, happy now?" Ketut asked.

"Yes, very," Meredith answered, her own smile covering her face.

Ketut giggled slightly, she leaned down and took Meredith's hand in hers. "Gentle white hands … gentle brown hands," she teased. "Almost match," she stated with a smile.

"Yes, we do," Meredith said with a laugh.

It was true; she looked down, Ketut's warm brown-skinned hand held on to hers and while there still a slight difference – _Meredith had to agree that her skin had indeed become darker_ – while her hair became lighter with each new day. No matter how much sun screen she applied, her skin was turning brown, she never burned, but her skin tone was becoming that _island- almond-brown_ she loved so very much.

The two women stood side by side together for a beat longer, now the only two people in the courtyard facing the decorative shrine. Peace came over Meredith and she smiled, for this is what she was looking for – _just a warm blissful moment like this_ – one that would restore her faith in her spirituality, it her willingness to give and grown and learn without Derek (even though she was blessed that he was her in spirit).

"_Have we eyes to see?"_

_A light warm wind from the ocean hopped over the temple walls and moved to the back of the temple where they stood. It swirled the sweet, musty air around, moving the leaves of the plant life as it traveled. Ketut turned to Meredith – her eyes wide, gentle, beautiful – without fear, without sadness, but with more wisdom than she could fathom. Meredith froze, but not out of fear – it was something bigger than that and then time stopped and the world as she knew it fell away – Ketut's eyes bore into hers, a sliver of a secret pulsed over her whole face and then she spoke. _

"Your baby is blessed," Ketut whispered into the quiet, her eyes never left Meredith's – _but her voice was carried into the wind, so much so that Meredith didn't quite hear her_ – even though she understood what she said.

_And even stranger still … utter calm and peace covered Meredith like a protective cloak._

"My baby?" Meredith asked; her voice and heart trembling in unison now.

"The baby you carry," Ketut answered softly.

Meredith's were wide – _finally wide enough to see and feel what she knew all along_ – she looked at Ketut, fastening her eyes on her, she refused to look away.

_The world as Meredith knew it stopped spinning and then all was quiet until the wind changed directions and brought with it a new world … a new life. _

This was her sign – _the small part of Derek, the aura of him was their child_ – and Meredith knew this without even going to her datebook, without the need to confirm that she never started a new cycle this month.

_Meredith knew,_ as she stood there with her new friend by her side, safely protected within the beautiful calm and peace of the temple.

_Meredith knew,_ as images and sensations from her dreamscapes of Derek flooded every square centimeter of her mind now – _mingling with her reality_ – becoming one once again.

_Meredith knew,_ as a small smile played along her lips as she was swept away for a moment in time.

_Meredith knew._

_The revelation … they __both__ cared about the tragic beauty that defined them. _

_Tears pricked her eyes._

_Meredith knew._

_The small spark of life that ignited deep in her core at the first touch of his lips._

_She had no fear._

_Meredith knew._

_Blissful oblivion … their connection restored forevermore._

_She had only love._

Ketut took Meredith's trembling hands her again and moved them to her belly. "There it is, keep your hands here," she instructed.

"Okay," Meredith whispered as the beautiful midwife became blurred around the edges.

_And as Meredith stood there with her hands draped protectively around her abdomen, she knew the world as she knew it was finally everything she ever wanted it to be._

_She should be scared to trust this, to live this, to survive this twist of fate, but she wasn't – because somewhere deep down, somewhere in the deep recesses of her belly – that small part of 'them' told her not to worry._

_She had the sign; now all she needed to do was figure out how to tell Derek and hope against all hope that he would be whole and healed enough to see this sign, to want to take this direction –and when the time was right – that he too would be ready to bask in the small miracle of them._

"_Love is gathering."_

**Chapter 8 to follow.**


	15. Chapter 8, You, Derek Shepherd

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al. **

**Author's Note: So here's this song "You" from Switchfoot … it's soulful and gorgeous and slow and meaningful … find it and listen to it, you won't regret it. Again, there's not much I can say about this story and what it means to me or how much I loved writing it, but it would sure be nice to hear from you (or more of you). Thanks and enjoy.**

**Chapter 8 – You**

Lyrics for Switchfoot's "You":

There's always something  
In the way  
There's always something  
Getting through  
But it's not me  
it's You

Sometime's ignorance  
Rings true  
But hope is not in  
What I know  
Not in me  
It's in You

It's all I know

And I find peace  
When I'm confused  
I find hope when  
I'm let down  
Not in me  
But in You

I hope to lose myself  
For good  
I hope to find it in the end  
Not in me  
It's You  
It's all I know

**Chapter 8 – You – Derek Shepherd **

Derek exited Burke's room and rounded the corner to the Nurses' Station with his chart clipped under his arm. He reached the desk and flipped the chart open to make a couple of notations regarding his friend's recovery. He and Burke had returned from their trip three days ago and by yesterday afternoon he had scrubbed out of his surgery; full of hope that the repaired nerves would be tremor-free – _he glanced at his watch,_ _it was 5 PM, a little over twenty-four hours post-Op_ – and so far the markers showed no tremors. And while Burke was experiencing mild discomfort, he felt no quakes or rumbles; all good signs for a full recovery.

_It was true, hope and change were in the air, percolating, colliding – Derek could feel it in everything, from the outcome of Burke's surgery to the purposeful construction of the cabin – it was all coming together – minus one very important element of course, the very person he craved like the air we all breathe – his dearest Meredith. _

_Since her departure, the small part of her that stayed with him – the aura of her, his memories of her, his ache for her – had only blossomed and grew into something more tangible and irrevocable and vivid with each passing day. Sadly, most of the time he felt like he was teetering on the edge of oblivion as he fell asleep with the dream of Meredith every night only to awake to the nightmare his life had become without her._

_It was a complicated paradox of limbo – for Derek felt the all-consuming pang of her, his need and want to see her again – but he also felt like he was mourning the loss of her as if she passed away. She was here one day and gone the next and whenever he thought about that – that she was gone and he had no idea where she was – he felt the pit in his stomach consume him instead and the beautiful aura of her was lost, the ulcer of worry would surface and he was left with nothing again._

_Meredith's absence was slowly eating away at him, bite by tragically beautiful bite. And Derek knew before long that he was going to have to take matters into his own hands. _

Derek signed his name and clicked his pen shut, it was nearing the end to a pretty good day all around, perhaps things would start to look up now – _all he had to do was find Meredith, to reach her somehow_ – for he was sure he would know no greater joy than to see her once again. He leaned over the desk to file the chart and turned around to make his way home when he was met with Cristina's dark wavering eyes, incessantly they went – _back and forth_ – she scanned his face – _back and forth_ – as if she was looking for something, but she didn't move from her spot. Normally he'd make the same call he usually did … that Cristina Yang would make an excellent poker player. Only at this moment, she actually looked like she couldn't make herself move toward him at all. She was stuck. She held a cup of coffee in each hand.

"Hey," Derek said, watching her cautiously as he stepped toward her.

"Hey," she replied as he stood in front of her, she offered him one of the cups; her ante-up … let the games begin.

He took the warm paper cup in his hand – _raising her bet slightly, a nod in appreciation_ – the welcoming scent of fresh coffee twirled in the air between them now. "Thanks, so … Burke gave you that idea too?" he asked, remembering Burke's advice to him before he had asked Meredith out on what would be their last date.

She shrugged. "I guess so," she said, devoid of any emotion – _back and forth_ – went her concerned eyes for a beat longer, until she turned on her heel and walked to the nearby balcony railing.

_Derek followed suit and came to stand next to her. She sighed, keeping her eyes trained on overcast evening sky in front of them – no doubt in Derek's mind that the sky was a beautiful evening blue high above the thick cloud cover right now – he only wished they could see it, for a stunning sunset can do that for a person, it can make a peaceful end to the day, and right now, it seemed he wasn't the only one who could use some peace. Derek took a small sip of the fresh coffee and hesitated for a beat longer. He was at a loss, what should he say? Did she even want him to say anything? He couldn't read Cristina when she wasn't angry – he needed Meredith for that – and usually Cristina was angry so that typically didn't present a problem. Unsure of whether she wanted to be Burke's 'girlfriend' for the moment or a 'doctor', he chose somewhere in the middle before he spoke. _

"So far he's recovering well," he sighed. "Would you agree with that assessment?" Derek asked hesitantly – _his question tipping the scale toward 'doctor', just to make her comfortable_ – he took a small sip of the scalding hot liquid.

"Hmm, yeah, no tremors," she said absentmindedly, turning her full attention to the lobby below.

_Derek followed her gaze and watched as Bailey walked across the lobby to meet Tucker. Little Tuck was swathed in baby blue blankets, safe and warm in his father's arms. Derek sighed at the sight before him, even from his high vantage point he could see the joy the little boy brought to the couple._

"You should feel pretty good about that," Cristina surmised quietly, holding her cup steady, giving nothing away.

"I do, you should too you know … you were there," Derek replied as he watched Bailey take the baby from Tucker and cover his tiny face with kisses. "God, I always wanted that," he whispered without thinking, lost in the moment watching over the small family.

"I don't, ah … never mind, I can't …," she sighed into the air. "I think Burke does too," she added quickly.

"And that scares you?" Derek asked softly, he put his forearms over the railing and held his cup in both hands, silently raising his bet.

"Yeah, I mean, I don't … I'm not ready, _I ran away when he got shot and now … now_," the words tumbled from her mouth; Cristina twisted her cup around in her hands.

"You don't know what to do first," Derek finished for her, his voice quiet, unsure. "You want to –"

"Run. I still want to run, but I can't – _because he stayed_ – and somehow that changed everything and now I can't … make myself move," she said, her voice wavering as they watched the family exit the hospital.

"I know the feeling," Derek commiserated.

"Hmm?" Cristina sighed with an arched brow. She gave him a sidelong glance and pressed her lips together. Derek pushed back from the railing and turned to her, wordlessly sparring.

"I do," he defended himself. "I felt that way when I came out here, I was running on empty, I wanted lose myself for good," he sighed heavily, at a loss for words for a second. "But then I met Meredith and I _know_ I wasn't the guy she deserved – _and I know you agree with that_ – I know I should have made myself move away from her," he confessed quietly.

"Why didn't you then? You had to know she was falling for you … how could you?" she asked, her voice rising in crescendo with her call on his wager. She turned toward him, her turn to spar … her eyes alive once more.

"I didn't want to lose her, I'd only just found her," he chuckled with self-deprecation, briefly looking at Cristina as he did. "I was selfish and cruel and things got complicated – _I should have done right by her_ – I should have kept on running," Derek offered, shrugging his shoulders.

"Well, I don't know how she forgave you, or how she still loved you," she said evenly, shaking her head.

Derek sighed and smiled tightly. "I guess it's true, you can't help who you love – _I learned that the hard way_ – going back with Addison was –"

"Brainless," Cristina said dryly, finishing for him.

"Yeah, something like that," Derek agreed, smirk in tow. "Except that it proved to me what I already knew, that I shouldn't have run from my feelings for Meredith to begin with," he offered as an explanation.

Cristina sighed. "Well, Burke didn't run," she said, her voice stoic. "And now I can't move because … when I – _when I had my … you know_ – he stayed with me, even though I was gonna …," her voice trailed off and she sighed in tortured frustration, intense worry lines knitted at her brow.

"He stayed anyway because he must love you," Derek offered.

"It seems so doesn't it?" she sighed. Derek took a sip of his coffee. "What would you have done, if … you know?" she asked, going "all in" on her bet, expertly redirecting the focus of their conversation back to Derek.

"If Meredith was pregnant a few weeks ago?" he asked, his mind in a frenzy over Cristina's question, his heart clamored away in his chest.

"Yes," she answered, looking away from him, her play disengaged for some reason.

"I would have been ready, I would have –"

"No matter when?" Cristina interjected, her voice low, almost a growl. "No matter the circumstances?" she challenged. "Even if it was when you first met?" she hissed, pushing him to answer her questions with something close to desperation, a shiver ran down Derek's spine in response to the personal intensity of her ferocity.

"I fell for her quickly," Derek sighed; he tried to remain calm, for his cards were on the table and he had nothing to hide this time around. "And my feelings have only intensified over time, even more so since she's been gone," he offered openly, _she's still with me, even now, _he whispered to himself. "Look, Meredith saved me when we met, but I was also confused and alarmed by my feelings for her, I'll admit that … but …," his voice trailed off, his words stuck in his throat.

"But what?" Cristina hung onto his unfinished thought.

"But a child, a child would have been a sign – _a miracle of a confirmation_ – I would have made it right no matter what the timing was, no matter when, no matter what _she_ would have wanted to do, I would been there with her … right there with her," he said candidly, his voice laden with emotion he hadn't expected, he turned his coffee cup in his hands.

"Because you loved her and you couldn't help it," she stated as a point of fact, rather than a challenge for him.

_Derek focused on her eyes, her mind was busy now, he could tell that much. _

"_Love_," he challenged. "I _love_ her, present tense," his eyes flickered to hers. "And no, I can't help it," he stated with a smile. "And I'm sure Meredith wouldn't have been ready for a baby, _for a variety of reasons I don't have to spell out_, but I wouldn't have walked away," he said reflectively, almost wistfully. "I could never … I grew up without a father … ah my father, he passed away when I was a boy so … so I could never turn my back on a child of my own," he added thoughtfully.

_Cristina turned to Derek then – the expression of contempt she usually saved for him was unfastened slightly, he watched her anger dissipate – and suddenly she looked delicate and fragile in ways he had never seen from her before. She tilted her head and pinched her fingers over the bridge of her nose, her mind working on overdrive, no doubt theorizing her next action. She shook her head slightly and a tight smile crossed over her pencil-thin lips. Derek stood patiently waiting for her to speak, but sensed she was lost – perhaps more than ever before – and he seethed inside, he felt helpless._

_God damn it, Meredith where are you? I don't know what to do! I can't help myself and I'm no good for her either!_

"You," Cristina's voice broke through his silent diatribe. "You're part of the _'Dead Dads Club' _too," she stated without question, her voice monotone, her wet eyes flickered against the dim fluorescent lights.

"Is that what we're calling it these days?" he asked with a tight smile, his heart racing – _their shared pain pummeled through the space between them like a wild hockey puck_ – Derek sighed, his heart clenched.

"Yeah, you didn't get that memo?" she quipped, finally taking a small sip of her coffee, before turning to look through the windows again, the sky several shades darker now.

Derek smiled slightly. "I wish I could tell you what you want to hear or be of some use, I'm sorry Meredith isn't here and I know that's on me," he said sincerely. He pressed his lips together. "I'm sorry your friend isn't here with you," he muttered, his heart trembling as he spoke.

"Yeah, me too," she said softly, pulling her cup from her lips.

"I know you won't give her up, but I sure wish you would," Derek said softly, catching her dark eyes with his from her peripheral vision.

"I can't. I just can't, _I don't blame you for asking_, but I can't, she wouldn't give me up if I left … and no, she's not running," she said, answering Derek's unasked question.

"So, neither one of you are running, what are you doing then?" he smiled sheepishly, sparring gently.

"We're surviving," she acquiesced, her eyes darting around Derek's now.

_Derek smiled inwardly; for Cristina had given him something just then, in this game they were playing … she spoke __for__ her friend. She got personal. And on her words, Derek heaved a sigh of liberation for both women. He pressed the welcome sensation of relief deep into his belly to keep it to himself. He was consumed for a moment in time, but suddenly he felt better knowing that maybe this intense, yet completely elusive conversation with Cristina had actually done __her__ some good. _

"Well, that at least gives me some hope," he smiled. "But ah, you should know, I don't know how much longer I can last – _before I'll have to know where she is_ – because it's killing me," he sighed, laying his hand out for the showdown. "Bailey said she can't tell me Meredith is safe," he whispered hoarsely. Cristina backed away, arching her brow, but Derek would not be deterred.

"She's a grown woman," Cristina said, stating the obvious. "And a strong one at that," she added.

"And for once, I agree with you, but I want you to know – _it's not just for me, it's for her too_ – she left because she wanted to _survive_ being separated from me … right?" he sighed, challenging his opponent. "And I may seem like I'm selfish, _and I probably am_, but soon, very soon … _someone _is going to tell me where she went and then I'm going after her," he said directly.

"Whether she wants you to or not?" Cristina challenged, a smirk covered her face.

"Yes, if that's what it comes to, I'm selfish, remember?" he quipped, damn, she was good at this game.

"And I'd have to agree with _you _this time," she half-teased.

"Look," he sighed. "I'll go to the end of the earth if I have to," he said, his voice softening – _he watched a spark of amusement cross over Cristina's face_ – but he ignored it and challenged her instead. "What if you left? In the middle of the night? What if you moved – _think about how Burke would feel and multiply that by a billion and you'll be close to how I feel_ – like I said, I'll need to know soon, just soon," Derek said; his tone serious, but not patronizing, his heart and soul on fire, his cards still down on the table for all to see.

"I get it, I get it," she said sincerely and he watched her eyes soften as she absorbed his words that hung in the air around them.

_She sighed, her eyes locked on his and he refused to look away, he wouldn't be the loser in this stalemate. He needed to impress upon Cristina that he wasn't about to give up, not on Meredith and not on them. Cristina's eyes darted away from Derek's for a moment, before she spoke again with a small smile playing along her lips._

"So, Burke said you're building a _log cabin_," she stated evenly as Derek took the last sip of his coffee.

_Derek smiled, Cristina heard him alright and the game was over, just like that. _

_She couldn't argue with him, for the stakes were too high. She was simply moving on. And in this moment, Derek realized how this unusual woman happened to become Meredith's "person" … he could see now how they got each other – how they maybe even pushed each other to be stronger, or admit their weaknesses – because he had fallen into Cristina's web and told her everything she needed to know, only this time she listened._

_No, Cristina wasn't cold, she wasn't calloused, she loved her person and in some small way – right here, right now – she actually got Derek to talk about his feelings for her friend, to confirm what __she__ never believed was possible, that he would go to the end of the earth for her trusted friend, that he loved her trusted friend with every small part of himself …and only then did she fold, and she did so, quite gracefully he believed._

"Yes, it was time to make some changes, take up residence," he replied, his revelation playing in a continuous loop in his head. "I don't know if Meredith will want anything with me, but I want her to know I'm not going anywhere," he added, catching Cristina's eyes with this. She blinked.

"But a log cabin? Seriously?" she chuckled. "I would have pegged you for something more extravagant," she said, taking another sip of her coffee, she had definitely moved on.

"Log cabins have come a long way," he chuckled. "This home will be beautiful, it's a dream come true … well almost," he said sincerely. Cristina smiled tightly. "It will be about four months before it's done, but maybe … maybe when Burke's feeling better you both can come out for a look at the progress they're making –"

"Oh, I don't know about that –" Cristina cautioned lightly.

"Sure you do," he interjected. "C'mon you can report back to Meredith," he chuckled at his own joke. "You can tell her she's with me, even when she's not," he said, his voice quiet as he tried to quell his racing heart.

"Yeah," she said, turning her head to the side, waving her softer eyes over his once more. "Thanks … for everything," she offered.

"Just doing my job," he sighed and then took a step closer. "Listen, I know you don't care for me, I know what I did was unforgivable – _but I love her, it's in me, it's all I know_ – I won't hurt your friend again, I promise …," he said as evenly as he could.

Cristina took a step back and held her hand up like a stop sign. "Save it for her okay – _when you see her again_ – just save it for her, because _she's_ the one who's gonna need to hear that …," she said lightly, her small dark eyes soft around the edges still. "I better check on our patient," she said as a parting sentiment.

"Yeah," he said as he made eye contact with her once more before she turned towards Burke's room. "Hey Cristina," he called after her.

"Yeah?" she asked as she turned around.

"I'm sorry about your dad," he offered, pressing his lips together.

"I'm sorry about yours too," she said, her eyes still soft. She turned, tossed her coffee cup into a nearby trashcan and rounded the corner to Burke's room and then she was gone.

_Derek sighed; it seemed the poker players took count of their chips and called it a night …at least for now. Derek heaved a final sigh of relief before he tossed his own cup in the trashcan and made to get himself out the door and to the next ferry on time._

***

A half hour later Derek stood at the helm of the ferryboat as it carried him purposefully across the water – _sturdy, powerful, steady as the steel and wood it was made from_ – perfectly reliable and always predictable. Everything about the vessel was safe and sound; it was everything Derek needed in order to ground himself. The last few weeks without Meredith had been more than hell, but there was this small part of him that felt better somehow – _he was growing, he was healing _– for himself and the hope that Meredith would still want him one day when she was ready to come back. He couldn't explain it if tried, but he just felt more concrete knowing that he had begun to build a home on his land, somehow it solidified that he was moving beyond that broken man he was when he arrived here in Seattle.

_It all came down to saving himself; and for once and it felt good, for once he was riding home on the ferry with something to look forward to every night … progress. He would see the action and the progress in the construction of the cabin and feel somehow redeemed._

He took a deep breath of the salty sea air and released it back into the atmosphere without leaning over the railing. He peered over the side of the ferry – _down, down, down_ – and like so many times before, he thought briefly about how easy it would be to escape into the wintery water below. He was also reminded of that low raging fire that used to consume him when he looked over this very same edge, leaning into the cold, damp air. But tonight, that fire no longer smoldered within him, for he had no need or desire to even look over the edge.

_Because he had a home to build; he had his life to save and because he believed this whole experience was bigger than him, it was bigger than Meredith, for their fate and destiny together was on line and that was monumental._

He pushed himself back and away from the railing and took another breath – _this time trying to fuse it to his lungs_ – with the fleeting thought of saving it for later in the night when he would be sure to breathlessly awake from his dreamscape nightmare of Meredith's _failed _appendectomy – _for he still couldn't shake it _– again knowing that it wasn't likely to vanish until he spoke with her or saw her in the flesh. Derek felt powerless against that nightmare and had all but resigned himself to live with it, to let it become part of his natural landscape for now.

_Derek's thoughts floated over Meredith then – was she okay, was she alright, where was she – was she safe?_

_Was she whole, and aside from her heart nestled safely in his bedside table, was she complete?_

_Without warning his heart jumped into his throat, fever pricked his skin and his vision was blurred – he braced himself for a panic attack – his heart clenched in his chest, rapid fire now … ah, damn it!_

_Where?_

_Where on earth could she be?_

_How?_

_How was he ever going to find her if no one would give her up?_

_When?_

_When would he see her again, when would she come back and when she did, would she still want him?_

_When?_

_When?_

_When?_

_He felt dizzy from the magnitude of his unasked and unanswered questions. Did no one understand his urgency? Perhaps Cristina did now, but Derek was convinced something drastic would need to happen for her to pony-up any information about Meredith and in that same breath, he hoped nothing dangerously drastic would happen because he needed Meredith to be safe, he needed her to survive. _

Derek gripped the metal railing a little harder then and closed his eyes against the misty skyline, the railing was cold and wet, but he kept his fingers laced around it still. It felt like a lifeline somehow as he focused inwardly on the ferryboat's movement as it rocked and lulled and lulled and rocked him until he could breathe easier. Faint images swirled around in his head again – _Addison and Mark together, Meredith all alone, Burke's tremor, Cristina's tired eyes_ – but he thwarted the attack by opening his eyes, allowing the aura of Meredith to encapsulate him instead.

_He took a couple of deep breaths in and released them – let it go, think of Meredith's smile, the smell and taste of her skin, her rosy complexion after she orgasms, let it go – think of anything to move you away from the edge, he chanted silently and as he did, he smiled. _

With Meredith on mind now, he lifted his hands from the lifeline of the ferryboat railing, turned his back on the bay and headed back to the enclave of his car.

***

The sky was completely dark as Derek crossed the threshold over his property line. Almost daily, it seemed that more and more construction equipment and vehicles crowded the typically empty space that surrounded the trailer. The very first afternoon Derek was home from his camping trip, he poured over the architectural plan with the contractor at a small table inside the mobile office they set up. He would never forget the moment when he looked outside the small window and saw that the work site had been completely illuminated with bright yellow basket lights. The whole area opened up and beyond the busy work of the team outside – _the water shimmered against the lights_ – but in his mind's eye all he could only see the glow of warmth as imagined the façade of the cabin instead.

He smiled now in recollection as he pulled the car up to the trailer. He turned the ignition off and stepped outside. A frigid gust of air barreled through him without discrimination, but Derek only shrugged his shoulders in defense and moved on to the task at hand. As he did on the previous two nights and planned to do every night from now until … _whenever_, he dashed up the steps, slipped inside, grabbed a beer and his trusty million-candle flashlight and headed down to the work site to check things out. And as he walked he held his breath with hope that tonight would be no different than the previous two nights.

_Would he feel her tonight?_

_Would she come for him?_

_It was all he wanted to know. _

And it was all he could think of as he walked carefully around the mobile office and flicked the light switch attached to the generator. He popped the beer bottle open and took a small sip; the cold drink burned his throat. He put the flashlight down and heard the buzz of the lights as they came to life and only then did he know he was home. He walked around the office and was again made speechless as that familiar wave of serenity moved through him … he felt the aura of Meredith and waited for the aura of_ them_ to encapsulate him.

He kept his eyes wide over the scene in front of him – _the water shimmering now like millions of rare canary yellow diamonds _– as he began to feel the invisible tether, their fishing line as it tugged without mercy on his thumping heart … she was here and he was blessed once more.

_She was in him still …_

_She was with him in spirit …_

_She was omnipresent and forever filled him with peace … _

He stepped out into the work site and onto the sacred ground that would one day be their home and made his way down to the water's edge, his eyes moving over the expansive area that would one day be their view. He stood now a few feet from the water and sat down on the cold, fresh earth. He closed eyes and saw Meredith's sunrise and found the solace only she could provide as his thoughts drifted to the future he was trying to build for them.

_He said a silent prayer them, hoping to ground himself once again, hoping to find peace before the day was finished …_

_Hoping to cradle her spirit in his mind like a cherished baby, safe and warm in blankets of love, deep inside the bubble of them … _

"_Keep yourself whole Meredith, keep yourself healed and I'll do the same. One day we'll meet again, when the stars aligned and the tide is right … but until then, keep yourself safe and out of harm's way. That's all I ask for; it's all I'll ever wish for, well that, and for you to come back and bear witness to your sunrise over the water here," he chanted silently as a smile broke over his whole face._

And as he opened his eyes, he was once again met with the shimmering water and the glory of the beautiful view. He sighed into the cold air, his breath twirled up and out as he took another sip of his beer and the nightingale began his evening serenade.

**Chapter 8 – You – Meredith Grey to follow.**


	16. Chapter 8, You, Meredith Grey

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al. **

**Author's Note: Thanks for reading and Happy New Year. This will likely be my last post before we turn the clock to 2010. **

**Also, I wanted to say thank you to McEnglish – out of the hundreds of people who read "Lovers in Japan", you were my ONLY commenter … so thanks a lot for taking the time!**

**Chapter 8 – You – Meredith Grey **

Meredith stood in front of the small cart that served as the clinic's medical library – _book after book, journal after journal_ – lay in organized stacks, the material for the most prevalent ailments of course rested on top. She thumbed through a stack of reference books until she found what she was looking for, _The American Medical Association Family Medical Guide_; she pulled it from the reference stack, clipped it under her arm and headed out front to the main desk. They had hit the morning lull (it was only 10 AM) and Meredith wanted to peruse the pregnancy section of this journal while she had a chance.

She approached the desk and sighed in relief when she remembered Owen had stepped out when she was with her last patient. He would be gone for a little bit, taking a break to grab some supplies from their small storage area and to bring something back for them to eat – _Meredith asked for this insanely good chicken satay with this delectable peanut sauce she found herself craving way before she thought about why _– hmm … and some sweet sticky rice. And all of a sudden, she wanted fresh mango too, a juicy one. And then, just like that all of her problems fell away and she was simply hungry. She looked down and sighed as she stared at the cover of the book, it all looked so innocent – _family medical guide_ – it should be simple, open the book and read what you need to know about being pregnant, she chided herself. But Meredith just stared at the cover. She was stuck.

_Who was this woman and how did she get here, that's all Meredith really wanted to know. _

Because for almost four days now, she had done nothing but vacillate in the wind like the palm and bamboo trees did when a storm was approaching. And vacillate she did, for she had waited _one full day_ before she even called the voicemail thingy and left a message marked _"private"_ for Cristina.

_A message in which she calmly told her about Ketut's statements and how she believed they were accurate._

_A message she only dared herself to leave once she was firm and solid with her feelings about this baby._

_A message that somehow made this baby real and tangible. _

_And only then, at the moment she hung up, did she realize how screwed she was – she actually wanted this baby – and in truth, that scared her to death._

She had beaten herself up about her decision since that moment in time two days ago. From the moment she disconnected from the voicemail, she felt like she was in this massive hole of limbo and she was trying with all of her might to claw her way out of it. _Because being here and being pregnant kind of went hand in hand, it seemed like a perfectly natural, congruent occurrence that she should be pregnant whilst on this island that was poised for a beautiful and stunning rebirth._ It all made karmic sense here, it all made sense in the way of a message or a sign that Derek was going to be part of her life for … ever. All of that made sense and that was not what dissuaded Meredith from picking up the phone and listening to Cristina's reply.

What kept her from making this baby real and connecting it to her world at home … was fear. It was her old friend, the deep-rooted fear of abandonment, except for once in her life – _the fear was not for herself_ – the fear was for their unborn child and for Derek. She felt intense worry over Derek and his reaction to this pregnancy, for he had walked away from her twice already and she didn't know if she could handle the idea (_just a whiff of the idea_) that he had the potential to walk away from their child like her father walked away from her.

Tears pricked her eyes and she felt sad and worried and shameful for even thinking such thoughts, because as soon as she did, she felt like she had to take them back – _because within that small piece of her heart she saved just for Derek_ – she knew he would never walk away from a child of his own. _Derek Shepherd didn't have that in him and she knew that, he was made better than that._ So, before she called the voicemail she had to somehow summons the trust in him, some belief in him that he wouldn't follow in her father's footsteps.

_Instinctually, Meredith moved her hands down and ran her palms gently back and forth across her abdomen, grounding herself in the process, soothing the motionless flutter deep within her, quelling her racing heart. _

A warm, humid gust of wind passed through the clinic door – _rain was expected today and Meredith could feel it in her bones_ – she thought to get out of doors for a moment, take a deep breath of the fresh island air before the storm arrived. She stood, grabbed her cell phone and put her hands inside the front pocket of her favorite coffee-colored wrap-hoodie. _She was wrapped up, safe and warm._ She crossed the small space and passed through the doorway, the humid air clung to her like a mosquito net, but she had grown accustomed to that (and what it did to her hair). She took a seat on the small wooden bench just outside the door and sighed. She peeked up through the large palm leaves; the sky was heavy with a thick cloud cover that indeed promised rain. Meredith only smiled though, knowing the rich blue sky was hovering above her and that as soon as the storm came and went, the endless blue sky would be hers to admire again.

She pulled the cell phone out of her pocket and held it in her hands – _sparring lightly with it_ – she would need to call her voicemail soon if only to be able to calm Cristina down if she needed to and she wouldn't _know_ if she needed to do any _calming down_ until she listened to her response! Her hands shook as she held the phone close, she knew she would need to bring the reality of this baby to the forefront of her life – _and she wanted to more than anything_ – but she was just scared. And given her circumstances, who could blame her – _but being here alone and pregnant on this precarious island_ – were not the circumstances she was referring to … rather, she was thinking about her life of abandonment and how unqualified she might actually be … as a mother.

If that wasn't enough and because things in Meredith's life often spun out of control most of the time, her mind was already racing weeks into the future, as she silently debated on when she should tell Owen. She had done some calculations and she knew if she continued to stay on that she might not have the stamina to keep up with the demands of her post – _but she also knew she wouldn't walk away from this place without a fight, for she had grown attached to the village already_ – in reality, if her stamina kept up, she could stay for her entire assignment and be just over three months along. Oddly enough, she thought more about telling Owen at this point than she did about telling Derek. For telling Owen was easy, but telling Derek … how the hell was she gonna do that? And when? Like she said, she was screwed, quite literally!

As if on cue, Owen pulled up in the old white _brand-nameless_ car. He pulled the emergency break up – _click, click, click_ – and remained in his seat for a minute while he gathered some supplies, furiously leafing through some papers. Meredith stood to greet him and offer some help but her attention was moved to one of the village families as they walked down the road, caddy corner to the clinic. The mother nodded her head in Meredith's direction and she nodded back. She was followed by her children, two boys, about four and six years old. Their father had perished in the tsunami.

_The bigger boy – this beautiful boy, he warmed her heart whenever she saw him, and she had seen him quite a bit – even once in her dreamscapes. For he had a peace about him, he saved her without even knowing it and somehow restored her faith in humanity and perseverance and offered her hints into courage and fortitude. He was a curious boy and often came over to the clinic, observing, smiling – unable to communicate with her, she didn't even know his name – but in some way … they managed. She watched as he said something to his mother, tugging slightly as her sarong as he did. _

"Hey, I have your satay here," Owen said, as he materialized in front of her. He handed a brown paper bag to Meredith. "And I didn't forget your rice this time," he smiled genuinely.

"Thanks," she said as her stomach growled deep in her belly, she looked off and to the right and Owen followed her gaze.

_They watched with curiosity as the boy crossed the road and came to stand in front of them. He was cherubic, in the simplest of ways. He smiled and looked up to Meredith; he took her hand in his and placed a big, fat, ripe mango on her palm. She knelt down, nearly falling to her knees with surprise – how did he know she craved mango, wonders never cease – he hugged her, patting his hands on her back as he did. She pulled back and took in the beautiful aura of him, his perfect island-almond-brown skin, his bright white teeth; his wide brown eyes … he calmed her. His mother called to him from the other side of the road and Meredith watched as he departed, she waved to his mother, raising the mango-gift to her as she did. The woman nodded and Meredith smiled. She watched for a beat longer as they disappeared down the road. _

"He's always full of surprises isn't he?" Owen inquired.

"Yes, but that's par for the course around here, isn't it?" she asked, quietly thinking about the irony of her own question.

"It's about to rain, it was windy in town," Owen said matter-of-factly as he stepped aside to enter the clinic. Meredith stood still for a moment in time … vacillating again. "You coming in?" he asked after her.

She sighed. "In a minute, I actually have to make one quick call here, check for voicemail," she replied, her heart rate accelerated.

"Okay then," Owen said as he disappeared. Meredith was alone again.

She placed the paper bag down on the bench and set the _mango-gift_ down with it. She began to move down the road, no longer stuck, it would seem she was full of motion. She dialed with shaky hands as she walked slowly and purposefully … taking time to enter the codes so she wouldn't mess up, lose her nerve and have to start over. She heard the prompt, she had two new messages. She pressed the phone to her ear and stopped to lean against a short wall that lined the walkway. She watched small groups of villagers – _moving, rebuilding their lives, poised for rebirth, all the while at peace _– Bailey's voice flooded into her ear.

"_Meredith, just checking in here. Everyone is fine, your mother is fine, she's been well and Cristina's been to visit her. And don't tell Cristina I said this – but I think she's secretly happy for the chance to spend time with the Legendary Ellis Grey and I know – I know your mother was a hard ass and she left you again and again, but you should know she asks for you. She's fine. She's not alone. Your friends are fine too – no LVAD wires have been cut – so there's a marked improvement for you. I have also started a campaign to bring a free-clinic to Grace, so maybe by the time you come back you can help out with firming up some guidelines for protocol and teach __me__ something for a change. Okay, well … you know, I'm not sure if you want to know about Derek and what he's up to, so … well … I'm gonna pause for a few seconds here before I speak so you can decide if you want to hear more …_

…

… …

…

_Okay, I'm back and Meredith, he's … well he's barely holding on without you. I think he's waiting for some kind of sign, but I also think he won't stop to wait for the direction. Does that make sense? He's asked everyone where you are, he was a complete mess when he asked me if you were safe and I couldn't in good faith say 'yes'. Are you Meredith, are you safe? You might also be interested to know he's building a log cabin on his land … for you, or with you in mind. You know, I'm sitting here rambling into this thing, Stevens said there is unlimited space on here, how is that possible? Okay, well, I'm talking this all out as I am leaving this message and I guess what I really want to say, what I __need__ to say is this: I hate talking about people's personal crap while I'm a work. I cannot stand it and you of all people know that – but here's the deal, somewhere along the line – Derek became one of my people. He saved my husband for Christ's sake! … But like most men – he's confused and has tendencies to be a brainless idiot – but he's not a bad person. He is pure of heart and since you've left … well, I think his actions speak louder than his words, of course for you that makes sense because you're not talking to him. But ah … you know, he's just insecure and could use some guidance from you – __and I'm not saying you should cave__ – I just, I know all I really want is to be happy in my life, to feel balanced … don't we all? I think, based upon Derek's actions if he knew where you were right now, you wouldn't be alone because he'd be there with you. I think you'd both feel balanced. And I think he'd go to the end of the earth for you if given the chance … … Damn it! See, this is why I __hate__ this personal relationship business, because now, I'm all soft and sappy and poetic and … I gotta go, this thing really must be endless, it's allowing me ramble for crying out loud … AND I DON'T RAMBLE! Okay you're a bright woman, you get my point. My prayers are with you, stay safe and call if you need anything."_

Meredith sighed into the air as she pressed the code for _'pause'_. _Derek's building a cabin._ She closed her eyes briefly – _a flash of her sunrise filled her mind and the aura of Derek filled her up_ – she kept her finger pressed down hard, for she was sure Cristina's message would be next. She took a deep breath of the salty, sweet air and opened her eyes. _Derek was waiting for a sign, how fucking apropos! If he only knew! _Meredith shook her head and allowed herself to smile, she allowed herself to bask in the warmth of Derek's actions – _he was building a cabin, with her in mind_ – and that was _her_ sign. 

She smiled tightly as she deleted Bailey's message. She held her breath and waited for Cristina's voice, her heart felt like the wings of a hummingbird all of a sudden. All of the loving energy she felt a moment ago vanished and an intense worry filled any open crevice within her now. Sweat formed on her brow and she was scared, for this moment would make the baby real, if the baby had a chance of survival – _when Meredith left her message, she wanted Cristina to review her appendectomy file and confirm she was pregnant, that the lab results they were given that day were somehow wrong or inconclusive …she also wanted to know if her surgery could have compromised the baby _– and now the moment she had feared since she left her that message was upon her. Cristina's voice funneled into her ear, Meredith attempted to relax and take it all in.

"_It's me. I looked in your file – in the middle of the night – I might add. And okay, well, your pregnancy test revealed an hCG level that was literally one half of one percent below the threshold for you to be categorized as pregnant at the time of your surgery. And ah, from what I can discern – most women with this level of hCG would likely miscarry when their new cycle started – possibly unaware of the pregnancy to begin with, unless someone was trying for a baby, then they would know, I guess … but ah, in your case – __clearly not trying__ – so … so, I think the midwife is right, I think you're pregnant if you never started a new cycle. Holy shit … you're pregnant. Okay, sorry. And ah … to answer your concerns about your appendectomy, from what I read on the topic, appendicitis during pregnancy is more common than we think, but when an appendectomy is performed during the early weeks of a pregnancy – it typically results in fetal loss – except in your case, I think. I guess you're one of the exceptions. It's you're lucky day, or maybe it isn't … except you didn't sound freaked on your voicemail. You sounded calm. How the hell are you calm? Okay, I also read that even with women who are beyond the first trimester, appendicitis is usually treated with surgery and that babies are unharmed. I think, as a precaution, you should see an OB/GYN though; can you get to one over there? So … so that's it. Okay, now onto __my__ shit. Burke has a tremor – __which I didn't tell you before__ – because I just … I wanted __him__ to tell Derek. And he did. So I'm scared as hell right now. Maybe that's why I'm not wigging out as much as I should be about Mcbaby. If I could run, trust me I would. But I can't because he didn't run, well he broke up with me – but once I collapsed on the floor in his OR – he never left my side, unlike I did when he got shot. So, I owe him this commitment, right? Which sounds like pure obligation, but it's not because I actually care – and no one besides you would understand what I mean – __I actually care__! Derek is confident he can repair the nerves and well … he's the best and I haven't bolted yet, so yeah. Okay, I will leave an update on Burke when he comes out of surgery, which will be tomorrow here and the day after that for you, so … or no, no I'll wait to hear from you first. You know what, Burke will be fine. Reply to this message so I know if you're still … calm. Seriously, I think you're about seven weeks pregnant … Meredith, what the hell are you gonna do? Call me, or send a voicemail, or whatever, I'll do whatever you want me to do, okay. Bye."_

Meredith closed the phone. She leaned back against the wall to brace herself – _but for what_ –her inevitable freak out? The moment when she would take to the high holy mountains and be consumed with dread? The moment when she would, yet again, realize the world was bigger than her, bigger than Derek? Yeah, she could wait for those moments – _but she knew she'd be waiting forever_ – because deep down she knew they weren't coming.

_Meredith was pregnant with the blessing of Derek's baby and as wide-eyed as she was about it; she was also miraculously, spiritually … and actually okay with it._

On that thought, Meredith opened the phone again – _she should reply to Cristina and check in on Burke_ – tell her not to worry, that she hadn't lost her sanity out here on this island, and that she was borderline amazed at the idea of being pregnant. Oh lord, Cristina was gonna flip! Meredith took a deep breath and closed the phone. She sighed and began to walk towards the clinic with purpose – _if she told Owen about her pregnancy, it would make it real here on the island _– and maybe that's all she needed for the moment.

To be pregnant in the here and now – _not with the idea of Seattle and raising this baby with Derek in a cabin built with only __her__ in mind_ – just right now, being pregnant – _not to pause and not to run from it _– simply not to make it real to her real life just yet. Maybe with a few days of the baby all to herself, maybe then she would somehow be able to tell Derek.

A light rain began to fall, the air was sticky with humidity and heavy raindrops now but she was not deterred. She walked under the large palm trees and was somewhat shielded from the foreseeable downpour. She stopped at the bench where she left her things, grabbed the paper bag and the _mango-gift_ and stepped inside the clinic doorway. Owen's head popped up and he smiled brightly. Meredith smiled; her stomach on fire as she walked towards him – _she should tell him, she reasoned, berating herself_ – she lay the bag and the _mango-gift_ on the desk.

"Are you okay?" Owen asked.

"Yeah … yeah, more than okay," she sighed – _she was suddenly famished, she eyed the mango_ – yet she knew she wouldn't be able to eat with her head swirling as it was. _First things first._

"We'll probably be pretty dead this afternoon if the storm is a slow one, you know the drill by now," Owen said, but Meredith could barely hear him over the rain and the pounding of her heart.

"You know, you have a point …," Meredith stammered, her heart on fire now, she needed to make this real.

"Well, that's a first," Owen joked, his tired hazel eyes scanned hers for a beat.

Meredith smiled. "I have to make one more quick call … leave a voicemail while I can still get a signal, I'll be right back," she said quickly, before heading out of the main door and back into the storm.

_This was it, no more vacillating; the storm was upon her – all around her and she couldn't get away from it if she tried – for the storm had become her nerves … just make the call, make it real, she pleaded with herself. Meredith walked the opposite way this time, down she went taking one of the long walkways towards the ocean. Thankfully the walkway was covered by overgrown trees so she stayed virtually dry while the rain and wind whipped up all around her – she was safe, she was warm, she could do this, she could carry this baby – all she had to do was make it her reality. _

She stopped along the outer edge of the temple and turned to look high above the ocean – _it was a deep grayish color with a hint of green, it was frothy and angry_ – the storm was moving out to sea. Meredith sighed with a smile, she sat down on the retaining wall, under a large palm tree. She could the scene in front of her all day – _the way the wind carried the storm out and away from the small island paradise_ – sparing the people from further wrath … it _was_ monsoon season after all. She reached into her pocket and retrieved her phone. She held it up; her hand shook in the wind – _just make the call, everything will be fine, first things first_ – she coached herself. She needed to move, or make a statement of some sort for the time being, she would return Cristina's call, she would give herself the time she needed and then tell Derek.

_She sighed and closed her eyes, the phone still open, baiting her … she could do this, she had to move – move on and forward from this moment – she thought about Derek, keeping her eyes closed, she pulled the hoodie up and over her head, once she felt warmer … she opened her eyes once more. Her heart banged away in her chest – matching the alternate beat of the waves as they crashed against the sandy beach – tears pricked her eyes and everything became blurry. Meredith became lost for a moment as the sky and sea melded together and she let the inertia of the storm carry her away, she felt weightless. She leaned forward slightly, back to what would soon be her … everything – crouching against the howling wind – she draped her hands protectively over her belly, low and gentle._

_I'm right here, right with you, she chanted silently._

She sighed into herself, looking for strength. If she didn't do this, if she didn't make the dream of this baby a reality, there would always be something in the way of them – _and this baby, it was him and it's in her … it's them_ – and it's a pretty big directional sign! Meredith smiled and opened her eyes, the storm directly over her now, heavy rain splattered against the shoreline, her eyes so wet, she could barely see through her own tears … tears thick with fear and joy combined.

Because there was this small, yet monumental sign … that this idea of them – _wasn't just an idea anymore_ – because it was going to live and breathe and have a name and a life, a life she wouldn't dare compromise like her mother and father before her – _for __she__ wasn't built that way _– and despite their best efforts, Meredith Grey had a heart that wouldn't quit … certainly not on Derek and definitely not on their child. So now all she had to do was make it real. She took a deep breath, the salty humid air attacked her lungs – _her mind fell on Derek and she held him there_ – staring into his bright blue gateways as everything melted away, everything except for that small piece of him nestled safely deep within her.

_He was in her still …_

_He was with 'them' in spirit …_

_He was omnipresent and forever filled 'them' with peace … _

With a small amount of newfound courage and the aura of her love all around her, Meredith pulled the phone from the front pocket of her hoodie. She held it steadily in her hand, the storm all but out to sea – _she watched for a second as the deeper ocean became angrier_ – while the wind all around her tapered down. She prayed for a signal_, just get it done,_ she coached herself. She dialed the voicemail number and entered the pass codes. Keeping herself attached to Derek's tether, she marked a message private for Cristina's box, took one last breath and began to speak.

"Hey listen, I hope Burke made it out of his surgery okay. Call me, I'm sure you know more by now – _and if you want to just dial my number_ – just dial. I know we agreed on this voicemail thingy for everyday stuff, but if you tell me how to help you ... I will," Meredith sighed. "So … thanks for the information on the appendectomy, I … I was worried and no, you're right, I'm calm about this … baby," Meredith took a deep breath, she watched the angry sea and was somehow lulled by its wild current, she sighed, her voice quiet compared to the action all around her. "I don't expect you to understand, I know you've been here, with this very same circumstance – _I know you don't understand me, I don't understand me either_ – but … _I want this baby_," she breathed. Oh, God, it felt good to say that out loud. "I really do … and I wish I could explain it to you – _how I can still love him, how I just want to survive_ – how I just can't stop seeing Derek," she sighed. "I fell for him too quickly and I just couldn't help it then … and now, I still can't help loving him. _I can't_. I already tried that and it didn't work," she chuckled nervously. "Before I even knew about this baby, I felt him all around me all the time, being away from him has only made my love for him and my want for him … grow," Meredith confessed, pushing the phone away from her ear for a moment. Her heart clamoring in her chest, fever pricking her skin, tears pricked her eyes. "Somehow this child, _and I know this is gonna sound crazy_, but somehow – _this child is a sign, a miracle of a confirmation_ – that we were meant to be more than lovers with tragic circumstances, does that make any sense?" Meredith asked her silent friend. "Derek is still with me, even now, and I know the timing sucks, but I think when I tell him – _no matter when that is, likely next week_ – he'll be in it with me, what do you think about that?" she asked, insecurity creeping in. "I mean, I feel that he would never turn his back on a child of his own – _he's built better than that_ – but the timing … the timing is, I mean he just got divorced and we're not even _anything_ right now," she sighed. "I heard about this log cabin he's building, I mean, that's a sign, right?" her voice laden with emotion she hadn't expected. She sniffled. "It all has to mean that there's still hope for us – _and I know how you like to squash hope_ – but for this one time, do you think you could lighten up and just … just say this is all okay?" Meredith asked; her heart on fire now. "Because I really need it to be okay – _because I want this baby and I want Derek_ – as messed up as that may seem, it's only the truth," she said, taking a deep breath of the misty air, she closed her eyes and let those waiting tears stain her cheeks. "Call me about Burke. I wish I was there for you," she sighed wistfully. "Thanks for checking the file; can you believe this is happening? I'll find an OB – _I'm pregnant and alone on an island that could fall into the ocean_ – its tragic yes, but this is also my life were talking about, so I guess that makes it meant to be," Meredith chuckled before she snapped the phone shut on that very _pregnant pause_.

Only then did Meredith stand up. She pulled the hoodie down from her head and stepped flush up against the retaining wall. The storm had barreled out to sea, the wind was already more variable, the sun's heat more evident as it tried to break through the barrier of the still-heavy cloud cover. It was humid, stifling so without the rain. Meredith walked down the old stone steps to the beach and stood on the last step and watched the water, the smaller waves crashed against the shoreline. She stood there for a beat, her eyes roaming over the expansive area in front of her. _The_ _storm had passed and left a trail of beauty in its wake … it was all so calm and clean and fresh and new for this moment in time._ She closed her eyes and felt the aura of Derek fill her up and found the solace only he could provide as her thoughts drifted to the future he was trying to build for 'them' and hopefully anyone else who would come along.

_She said a silent prayer them, hoping to ground herself once again …hoping to find peace._

_Hoping to cradle his spirit in her mind like the cherished baby she carried within her – safe and warm in her nerves of love – nestled deep inside the bubble that would become theirs once again. _

On that prayer, Meredith turned her back on the now calm water and retreated to the clinic like the storm out to sea. For all of a sudden, she couldn't wait to say it out loud again … she was pregnant. She walked with the fortitude of a starving pregnant woman now – _back to the clinic, back to announce her pregnancy to Owen_ – back to the reality of her life of rebirth on this island in the middle of the ocean. She pulled her hoodie up and over head once more, large droplets of water shimmied down on her as the wind moved the palm leaves, shaking them dry. She rounded the small corner and headed down the main walkway to her fate, her destiny. She reached the doorway and stood there for a beat. Owen looked up and smiled.

"Everything okay?" he asked.

_Meredith smiled from ear to ear from her same spot in the doorway. Her hands in the deep pocket of her hoodie, draped protectively over her abdomen. She locked her eyes on Owen's and he cocked his head to the side, knitting his brow._

"Everything's just how it should be," she sighed reflectively. "I'm pregnant," she said out loud, a small smile playing along her lips as she watched Owen's eyes become wide this time.

**Chapter 9 to follow.**


	17. Chapter 9, Have You Seen My Love, MG

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al. **

**Author's Note: If you were going to choose a song to listen out of the songs I used for inspiration for this fic, this should be one of them … find it, Rosie Thomas … this song of hers is pure MAGIC and perfect for Meredith and Derek and the themes of this chapter as well as the flashback sequence embellished upon here. Enjoy.**

**I also wanted to thank ****merderluvr**** for your lovely messages … your words mean so much to me, I appreciate your thoughts!**

**Chapter 9 – Have You Seen My Love**

Lyrics for "Have You Seen My Love" by Rosie Thomas:

Have you seen my love?  
Is he far away?  
Have you seen the one for me?  
His face lights up my day  
I won't let one boy steal a kiss or call me his  
Instead I'll wait for his voice to call out and carry these daydreams away  
Have you seen my love?  
Is he far away?  
Have you seen the one for me?  
I won't let him get him get away  
Please tell him that I'm waiting for him  
Praying for him  
Night and day  
For now I'll be a lonely girl longing for his sweet embrace  
Please tell him that I'm waiting for him  
Praying for him  
Night and Day  
For now I'll be a lonely girl just long for his sweet embrace

**Chapter 9 – Have You Seen My Love – Meredith Grey**

"_I have a thing for ferryboats."_

Meredith waited for Owen in the deserted lobby of their once-five star hotel, their home. The lobby, almost completely rebuilt now was painfully rich with cultural relics like hand-carved wood sculptures, intricately woven tapestry hanging from the walls and working water fountains – _and yet it was sleek with clean cut lines_ – travertine tile and all the modern conveniences. The mahogany, teak and cherry wood furnishings were offset by the simple ecru walls – _they had done a splendid job _– Meredith marveled, for in the short time she had been on the island, this room alone had been transformed or reborn, the hotel poised for a new era, much like the island itself.

She walked over to a set of large windows and looked at her reflection in the dark glass – _it was just after 5 AM_ – she and Owen were set to join the villagers for the first rice harvest since the tsunami had rocked the island. Rice was the most important crop to the Balinese – _providing great use for the immense amount of rainfall the island absorbed each year … the rice crops, or paddies as they are called, act as the islands' natural irrigation system_ – all the while offering serene beauty for all to see. Rice paddies were situated all along the steep hillsides of the island – _they are made from large landings or terraces or stacks and look like a lot like giant steps leading up to the holy mountains, a rich lush golden-green when fully grown, their endless beauty and fortitude evident with each grain produced_ – and while the planting of the rice is generally a male occupation, the whole village takes part in harvesting it.

The sun would rise in less than an hour and the work would begin shortly thereafter. Meredith shivered in the cooler damp air – _yet she was stifling hot for a flash of time_ – she could only smile in response though. She surveyed her reflection in the black glass, she looked tired, she was fatigued and she knew the early hour had little to do with her sleep-deprived state. In the last two days she had gotten very little sleep – _the clinic had been busy, many villagers now coming in for their follow-up visits, something Owen said was a marked improvement_ – again perhaps the villagers' trust and confidence in them had grown, but the influx of repeat patients was not the chief reason for her delirium.

_It was Cristina and her secret to keep._

Meredith had finally heard back from Cristina and was relieved to hear about Burke's recovery. She couldn't help but feel a pang of pride and wonder for Derek and his talent and secretly wished she was there to offer her praise for a job well done, after all he had basically brought the illustrious Preston X. Burke back from the "dead". In Cristina's message she said both Burke and Derek were fine … to _trust_ her – _that for once she wouldn't squash hope because she didn't think she needed to_ – saying Derek would want _them,_ saying specifically, _'you and Mcbaby'._ Meredith sighed and moved her hands down to her belly, keeping her eyes trained on her reflection for a moment longer.

_It was the waiting, the anticipating._

Pushing her hair behind her ears, turned from the windows and sat down on the last marble step, placing her bag at her feet – _she was early, antsy to get going_ – and now wondered why she didn't try to go back to sleep when she woke up earlier. _Damn it! _She had too much time to think now – _and she didn't want to think anymore, she just wanted to know_ – she wanted to know about the baby's health, and she didn't want to tell Derek until she knew … until she knew this baby had a chance to survive.

_It was Derek._

It would all be over soon, the waiting, the secret anxiety of it all – _in four days time_ – she had an appointment with an old army friend of Owen's who ran a Family Clinic in Darwin, Australia, just a three hour flight from Bali. She and Owen agreed it was for the best considering her recent surgery, that she be checked by an OB/GYN. Not that they both didn't trust Ketut's wisdom and intuition – _but in light of the surgery and the inherent risks of it_ – it was for the best. Meredith just needed to be sure, before she became emotionally attached to the baby (something she was taking great pains to do because in truth she was already attached).

In her mind, Meredith just needed to know this baby was okay – _that this amazing miracle of a baby, her second such miracle (the first, finding soul mate love in a random one night stand)_ – was healthy and viable, although she was unsure of exactly how she would be able to tell him if for some reason it _wasn't_ meant to be. She pushed those uninspiring thoughts from her mind and sighed into deserted room, she was confused. She desperately wanted to use this appointment to somehow give her the consent to mother this baby.

_In some ways her feelings went back to the very essence of her and her life and her abandonment and desertion and her deep desire to feel love – to give and receive love – something she allowed herself to try with Derek, only to have their tragic circumstances play out for all to see. So, she just needed to know … she wanted to know this baby was real before she completely fell in love again – for she was well aware that secret love could be cruel and unkind – and Meredith needed some kind of confirmation of this miracle's survival before she could commit to it with her whole heart. She wouldn't survive another broken heart, this much she knew. _

In truth she secretly longed for nothing more than to give her unconditional love away freely and without reservation again … well, for that, and for Derek to be ready for the idea of _"them"_ to become a reality. She didn't want any more secrets, for anyone, from anyone – _she simply craved to display her love for all to see_ – and she didn't want to hide anymore, for it had gotten them nowhere. It had only resulted in tragedy.

_It was Cristina and her secret to keep._

_It was the waiting, the anticipating._

_It was Derek._

_It was how to tell him about their miracle._

_It was the intense circumstances of their baby's conception._

_It was her incessant worry over the baby's health._

_It was her desire to do right by this small life – to do better than had been done to her – to be a mother, to cultivate, to create, to covet and protect and love. _

_It was how to tell him about their miracle. _

_It was Derek. _

_It was the waiting, the anticipating._

_It was Cristina and her secret to keep._

Yes it was true, secrets had gotten them nowhere – _secret wives, secret feelings, secret lovers, secret famous mothers (with an even more elusive illness), secret pregnancies, secret missing fathers, secret tremors_ – yes, secrets had gotten them nowhere and fast. And as tired as Meredith was of all the secrets and betrayals – _she had a small lingering thought_ – that all the surreptitious facts only put them where they were today, which was not all that bad.

_Derek was building a life for himself, building a home … with her in mind._

_Meredith was building, making, growing a life for herself and their unborn child._

_Cristina had hope. Cristina had hope. Cristina had hope._

_Burke would remain the foremost cardio-thoracic surgeon he was destined to be._

Secrets, it was true, Meredith could take or leave them. But she could justify this one small secret, this one last one, for just a small amount of time – _for just four more days_ – and then she would be free to tell all, God willing, to reveal all.

Lost in her private thoughts, she barely heard Owen approach and was startled by his footsteps as he came to stand in front of her. She looked up and smiled, he was wearing a pair of chinos and a light linen long sleeve button down, he looked more like an expatriate than a doctor, but for today's mission it suited him.

"Couldn't sleep?" he asked, his hazel eyes scanning – _back and forth_ – always assessing, always checking.

"Nope, you?" she countered, smiling weakly.

"Some … enough," he offered as she stood.

They walked out of the main lobby doors and into the black, cool morning air, Meredith instantly reminded of Seattle, instinctually, she brushed one hand across her belly, low and gentle _– a_ _light rain fell on their shoulders as they went_– and like most mornings, a storm was brewing. Owen opened Meredith's door and she slipped inside, reaching over, she popped the lock for him. He got inside, turned the ignition on and backed out of the space … the ancient car sputtered to life and just like that – _they were on their way out and up to the mountains_ – out to join the community for their inaugural harvest.

"Did you sleep at all?" Owen asked.

The rain picked up as they turned onto the main two lane road that would take them up and around. Owen turned the wipers on, the rain splattered against the windows, adding another facet to her already preoccupied mood. Meredith turned her attention away from the lulling rhythm and found Owen's pensive eyes glued to the road ahead.

"A little … not well," she sighed. "This waiting is killing me," she added softly, the rain coming down in white sheets now; she turned her attention back to the storm outside.

"Four more days," Owen offered, sighing into the small space of the car.

"Four more days," Meredith muttered in acceptance.

"Unless you want to leave earlier, just to … you know, move," Owen suggested.

"Nope, I'll leave the day before, it's fine. I need to be busy, too much time to think would," she sighed. "I'm just worried,with good reason, I'm worried," she said, her voice cracked. _Damn it._

"Do you want me to tell you not to worry?" he asked, Meredith turned towards him, his hands firmly on the steering wheel now, the rain coming _down, down, down_ with no sigh of letting up.

"What good would that do?" Meredith asked quietly in response. She yawned, barely able to keep herself awake over the alternating pattern of the rain.

"Knowing you … none," he kidded lightly.

Meredith pushed herself back into the old seat – _it creaked under her slight weight_ – she rested her hands on her belly, her eyes fluttered closed for a half of a second before she opened them again.

"Do you think this is all for naught, will they harvest the rice in this weather?" she asked, stifling a yawn.

"Hmm, not sure. They can't afford to compromise the crop, it's a delicate method, _the harvest_, but my guess is the storm has already passed over the mountains, it may be drier up there," he offered, looking at her briefly. "Regardless, you don't want to miss the view," he added.

"The view?" she asked, her body shutting down, no match for – _the alternating rain and the rocking of the car_ – she was slipping under, effortlessly so.

"Yeah – _there's an __amazing__ view of the sunrise over the rice paddies_ – you really don't want to miss it," he said softly.

Meredith opened her eyes – _wide awake for a moment in time_ – she turned her head and stared at Owen – _fever pricked her skin, her hands came to brush against her belly once more_ – but she was already on her way, lost in a distant sea of memories.

"Meredith?" she heard Owen's voice, trying to bring her out from under the rushing water.

"Hmm?" she mumbled.

"Sleep, sleep," he encouraged with a chuckle. "We have about forty-five minutes to go with this weather," he added as she closed her eyes – _for once she didn't fight it_ – for she was already lost within those secrets kept.

Those memories floated to the surface now, for she had tethered them long ago … they were so deep and so suppressed they surprised even her, barreling into her mind out of nowhere –_upon her now like no time had passed_ – flutters of time, time she would never get back and never wanted to give back. For it was _her_ time – _ a time with Derek when it was just the two of them together_ – just two lovers hiding their private pains, secret feelings and so much more. She closed her eyes and let herself go.

_Maybe it was the rain …_

_Maybe it was the white sheets falling all around them …_

_Maybe it was her ever-present secret longing for Derek …_

_Maybe it was the cold damp air …_

No matter what is was – _she was lost, lost in the forgotten moment_ – of that night so long ago when she came to admit her deep feelings for Derek, the night she dared herself to trust him like no other. Fractional images, nanoseconds of precious memories flooded her mind now like tidal waves – _the natural ebb and flow of her thoughts were too powerful_– and they soon carried her out to sea and beyond.

***

"_Ok, are we going to talk about this?"_

_(Bailey knows.)_

"_This is getting complicated."_

_(There is nowhere to keep the secret, not at home, not at work, not in her heart.)_

"_If I was a better guy, I'd walk away."_

_(Her secrets, his secrets, their secrets.)_

"_Do you want me to be a better guy?"_

_(There is no better guy.)_

"_Just take a couple deep breaths. Focus on the pretty girl."_

_(Mr. Levangie – so sweet, yet so harsh and serious – he was worth it.)_

"_Bailey was on the warpath. I was trying to protect you."_

_(She fears that protection, she fears her feelings.)_

"_And you'll get yourself out?"_

_(She can't make herself stop … seeing Derek.) _

_***_

_And then there was Annie Connors' surgery – the pain seared Meredith's heart as she watched Derek crumble before her eyes – he really was just a man, first and foremost, then a surgeon … but first a man with his own brand of private pain._

_She watched from The Gallery, stunned by his apparent heartache over the loss of his patient. _

_His hands were tied, for she had lost too much blood and there was nothing left to repair – the tumor was too big, her secret was too big, __his__ secret was too much to bear – she was hemorrhaging … and so was he._

_A small piece of Meredith's heart broke off in that moment, the fishing line was cast out to sea, she felt the tug on her heart muscle, a tiny flutter as it suffused itself to Derek's from her perch high above his anguish … the tiny bit now belonging to him._

_His pain was evident. His tenacity, heart-wrenching as he performed CPR, suddenly a lone warrior lost in a sea of crimson blood, blue surgical scrubs and bright white lights._

_He was lost in his secret anguish, anguish she could understand, and at that moment – Meredith found __herself__ in him, hopelessly in love with him – and his pain._

_She watched with intensity as he extricating himself from the carnage of the moment … the tug on her heart evident as he left the room._

_She stood in her same spot, losing herself yet again, this time in Alex's grief over his mistake – images of men were shattered then – Derek and his armor of charming humor, nothing but a disguise, Alex the playground bully, smacked down with defeat. _

_Meredith turned away from the wreckage, feeling lost and hopelessly filled with fear. She thought she should do something – go find Derek – but they hadn't defined "them"._

_And maybe …_

_Maybe he was a loner like her, she reasoned._

_Maybe he didn't want to share his pain._

_Maybe he wanted to be alone._

_Except that every fiber in her being screamed for her to go make it better, for him … because her heart was hurting and so was his (for countless reasons unknown to her at the time) … but nonetheless – she wanted to take his pain away, help him lock it down – and that had to mean something, right?_

_*** _

_But Meredith went home instead, the new fishing line tugging at her heart as she went. She turned her back and left the carnage and all the secret fears that went along with it. She drove home in a sea of her own tears, her mind wrapped around and around and around Derek. She cried, broken, spent for the loss of his patient – someone she never met, someone Derek barely even knew – because she had fallen in love with him and he was broken._

_She slipped into the house, headed straight for her lonely room, but wanting nothing more than to be with him. She peeled her clothing off and stepped into a scalding hot shower – praying to make that fishing line snap, hoping to melt it away with the heat – but the pull only intensified. Thick tears collected in her eyes, pricking them like thorns from rose stem … thousands of needle points pinged her skin over and over and over again. Her pain – raw and uncensored just like Derek's – hit her hard as she sobbed into small room, doing her best to survive alone. _

_But it was no use – because she had fallen for him already – the line was attached and Derek was pulling her to him without even trying anymore._

_Meredith quickly shut the water off, gave herself a cursory brush with a towel, letting it fall to the ground. She exited the bathroom, the freezing air assaulted her, but she had no care for that … she got dressed quickly – panties, socks, jeans and a turtle neck, no time for a menial bra – slipped her boots on, grabbed her coat and was gone. Keys in hand, bag on shoulder, she was almost out the door when his voice filled her mind. _

"_I have a thing for ferryboats."_

_With that in mind, she returned to the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of wine and two glasses …dropped them in her bag, a small smile playing along her lips now. Perhaps she could make his night easier – recalling how he told her that losing patients would become part of her natural landscape – now thinking about how sad that made her and how broken he was as she watched over him just hours ago. _

_***_

_So there she was, waiting for the man she was so desperately trying avoid at the start of the day, she stood waiting for him, her love, in the rain – misting all around her, weighing her down like a wet blanket –his pain running through her veins now … as she waited and waited. His car, still parked where he left it this morning – his jovial face clouding her mind now – while she waited to be swallowed up by him._

_And then she saw him – broken, sad, dark shadows of doubt and insecurity clouded his handsome features – his face lighting up ever so slightly as he saw her, standing amidst the storm, waiting for him, waiting to absorb his pain, like the lover she was meant to be._

_His small smile as he approached, the aura of him, shining through the pain now as he came to stand in front of her, his eyes shimmering in the pale overhead lights._

_What was there to say?_

_No, it's too soon._

_Too soon._

_Actions speak louder than words … tell him what you know. _

"_I, um, know this place where there's an amazing view of sunrise over the ferryboats," she said instead, catching his eyes with hers. _

"_I have a thing for ferryboats," he said, pressing his lips together. _

"_I remember," she said as he stepped closer. _

_No other words were spoken as Derek walked to the passenger side of the car. Meredith slipped inside, turning her back on avoidance. She __leaned across and opened his door; Derek slipped inside, turning his back on the pain from the day._

_He started the car and they were off – secret lovers once more – their fishing line attached, their souls flirting with disaster once again._

_Derek rounded the corner, heading on to the main street. "So," he sighed. "Where to?" he said softly, trying to smile. He stopped at a red light. _

"_We can just go to my place instead, if you want, I …," she said softly, her voice trailing off, her words hanging in the small space between them, her heart trembling along the fishing line as it slackened. _

"_I'd like that," he answered softly, the tug from his heart pulling on hers once again as she settled back into her seat and watched the storm brewing outside as the light turned to green._

_They were safe for now._

***

Meredith felt the car come to a stop, her mind still clouded and confused by the whirlwind of her fantasies. She knew where she was, she just had to open her eyes, her heart trembling now as she was on the verge of thinking about the intensity of the rest of that night. She swallowed hard, suppressing those deep secrets once more – _pushing them down, down, down_ – back into that hallow place deep within her heart. She took a deep breath and willed herself to open her eyes to her reality – _to_ _the miracle of their baby, to her life on this island thousands of miles away from her true love, back to the task at hand, back the healing island, moving on to the rice paddy harvest_ – for her destiny, her fate was but four days away … and with that thought, Meredith couldn't wait to bring a start to her new day.

She opened her eyes and spotted Owen right outside the drivers' side window; he was looking down and over a large expansive area. Meredith stepped out into the damp cool morning air, the sun just about to rise – _it was_ _at least ten degrees cooler than down at the coast_ – her ears popped from the change in altitude, she swallowed hard again and wrapped herself tighter into her hoodie, trying her best to preserve her sleepy-heat. She walked to stand next to Owen and was awestruck by what she saw.

They were situated at the top of the rice terraces, the sun peaking over the horizon, the wind moving the rice plants swiftly, the brightest green she had ever seen, hundreds of village farmers had already descended on the paddies, crouching down, protecting themselves against the wind – _already positioned for hours of swift movements, the tedious task of threshing the rice to loosen it from its brown hull (the paddy)_ – all lined up, the whole community in it together.

Rebirth evident with each millimeter of the sun's rise over mountain … maybe it really does take a village, Meredith mused. She looked out over the masses of the people there, many whom she recognized, even from her perch high above the paddie and she waved or nodded and they did the same. Owen met her glance and smiled all the same. Meredith spotted Ketut, far off in the distance, for she would know the holy woman from a million miles away. She smiled to herself, somehow feeling better just knowing she was close by.

She turned her attention to the horizon once again and watched as the sun rose above it, the glow of the new light against the stacks and stacks of rice terraces was like nothing she had ever seen before. The paddies were completely illuminated and the value of every grain was palpable as she took in the view – _lush plant life, months of cultivation, months of monitoring irrigation, months of watching and waiting for the growth_ – the lifecycle continued, the village and the island would survive.

"So," Owen said, his voice carried off into the wind. "What do you think of that?" he asked, she turned to him.

"It's rejuvenating," she stated evenly, the wind blowing over her, clearing the last of her deep secrets from her mind, for now.

"Feeling better?" he asked, glancing at her.

"Much," she said softly.

"Four more days," he whispered.

"Four more days," she agreed. "Lets harvest some rice," she said.

**Chapter 9 – Have You Seen My Love – Derek Shepherd to follow.**


	18. Chapter 9, Have You Seen My Love, DS

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al. **

**Author's Note: I hope you continue to enjoy this EPFIC, funny, someone reminded me of that the other day, that I said something about wanting to write an "epic fic" when I started to write this story. When I read the chapters now, sometimes I forget how things just fell into place for me … I remembered just now how much I liked Chapter 9 as an entity. (Oh and see this little note: It disclaims the erotica found within.)**

**Please comment, I am not sure you know how strange it is to know hundreds of people are reading this story and only a handful take the time to comment. **

**Chapter 9 – Have You Seen My Love – Derek Shepherd **

"_People do things every day that they know could kill them. Doesn't mean they want to die."_

The rain came down hard, pelting down onto the trailer roof; it sounded more like a vacuum or wind tunnel than his home. It was just after 1 PM, but it could have been 1 AM for all Derek cared – _minutes bled into hours that bled into days now, time was hemorrhaging_ – the clock ticking, for every moment seemed to count and every moment without a sign of Meredith's return felt like an eternity. The waiting was killing him.

Derek sighed, lifting his eyes from the revised blue prints the architect had left for him the day prior. He looked out the window at the deserted construction site – _hoping with all he had in him that the rain would let up, that this storm would pass_ – and that the frame of the cabin could be erected on schedule in four days time. Then at least he could come home at night and see some living tangible proof that his life was taking shape again –_something for all to see, something for Meredith to be proud of _– if and when she came back to Seattle.

He pushed himself back from the table and rose from his seat, maybe a shower would help soothe his mind and weary soul – _for time off was the worst, especially in the rain without the distraction of the construction crew out there _– time seemed to actually stop and that hopeless feeling of limbo would reverberate through his mind with no wound to exit from. Time to think was real trouble for him – _for that was when the ulcer would inevitably flare up, burning him from the inside out_ – that was when the gruesome reality of his mistakes, his secrets and his deceit would invariably become evident once again.

_He crossed the room to his dresser and pulled out a pair of sweats, a tee and boxer briefs, the air cold and damp, the storm rocking the trailer – his enclave of seclusion in the middle of nowhere – he wondered, if he screamed out in anger and frustration, would anyone hear his desperate call? And if not, would that mean he hadn't screamed at all?_

He stepped into the small bathroom and turned the water on to the hottest setting. He slipped his clothing off, it fell to the floor in pieces and he pushed it aside with his feet. He stepped into the scalding hot water, it pummeled down his back like the hard rain over the trailer outside. Derek held his head back – _just make it all go away, make it disappear _– he prayed to no one in particular. He closed his eyes and became lost within the steam that stifled the small room, completely lost within himself and the myriad of thoughts coursing through his mind.

_The race for Chief, its significance lost on him now … what would the credit bring to his life?_

_Mark and his presence at Grace, he was all around Derek all the time … what was left for them to give each other?_

_Bailey and her desire to create a free clinic, she was looking for more, seeking for clarity … how could he argue with her pursuit?_

_And Addison, her words rung around his mind like a thunder storm gathering momentum, swirling with unrelenting force now, the eye of the storm heading straight for him, ready to strike … would he ever learn from his mistakes? _

***

_He spotted her at the Nurses' Station, absorbed in her patient files, no time like the present, he thought as he approached. He leaned against the desk drawing her attention. She lifted her eyes from her chart, looking down at him over her reading glasses. He smiled, testing the water. Things between them had been smoothed out (as much as they would ever be), he presumed. Everyone knew Meredith had left town, a subject Addison hadn't broached with him yet, but he knew it was just a matter of time. _

"_Addison," he said simply._

"_Derek," she sighed, smiling tightly. He smiled. "What?" she said, her brow raised._

"_When Richard asked you to come out here, what did he use for bait?" Derek asked, curious more than anything else._

_"He told me I would have the foremost neonatal intensive care unit west of Manhattan," she offered pointedly._

_Derek sighed. "Ok, he didn't say anything about being Chief?" he confirmed. _

"_What do you know?" she countered, sparring lightly._

_"Nothing. I know what you know," he replied elusively._

_"You're lying … no more secrets Derek," she sighed, turning her full attention to him now, her eyes serious, the conversation had become personal. "They've gotten us nowhere – secrets – plus I'm gonna find out anyway," she said. "Is Richard retiring?" she asked, intrigued. "What do you know?" she persisted._

"_It seems that way, yes," he sighed, pushing himself back and away from the desk. _

_She quickly made a notation, closed the chart and leaned over to file it away. "How come you're not chasing him down right now, pressing him to choose you?" she sparred, a smile on her face. "How come you're not regaling him with stories of the prestige of neurology and your superiority complex?" she half-teased out of curiosity, locking her serious blue eyes on his. _

_Derek sighed – she spoke directly, but her eyes roamed all over his face, looking for more from him – she pressed her lips together and Derek knew she sensed his insecurity, reading him like a book. It was true, he felt lost and it was obvious to him and everyone else around him – he just didn't know how to break the chain – he didn't know how to really live without Meredith, even if it wasn't forever, he just didn't know how to find balance without her._

"_So … she left?" Addison asked, removing the barrier of her glasses, stepping a half an inch closer, confirming the personal nature of the conversation._

"_Yeah," he muttered in defeat, his heart racing. _

"_Derek … I," she sighed. "I told you not to hurt her," she said softly._

"_I didn't want to … I just," he sighed, he hated this. "I shouldn't be talking about this with you," he said, his defenses on the rise. "I blew it, I think. And now she's …," his voice trailed off, he looked down and away from her._

"_Gone," she finished for him._

"_Yeah," he said, looking up once more. "And no one will tell me where she is …," he chuckled, his self-deprecation evident. _

"_So … she's running … she ran away," Addison confirmed, leaning closer._

"_No," Derek said, striking the idea down with force._

"_No?" Addison confirmed incredulously._

"_Nah," he said, shaking his head. "She's just doing what I did when I left New York," he said pointedly._

"_Which was … running Derek," she replied seriously. "You ran," she pressed him._

"_No, now that I think about it …," he sighed wistfully, catching her eyes with his. "I was just surviving," he said, a small smile playing along his lips as he did, his heart in shambles all over again._

"_Surviving huh," she sighed and paused for a beat. "I'm sorry she left," she added, her sentiment sincere. _

"_Me too," he said. _

"_So, what are you planning to do?" she asked, turning away from the desk. She walked toward the waiting room area; it was deserted, out of the way, more private. He followed her._

"_I don't know …," he answered … go to the end of the earth looking for her, stay right here and wait for her, his thoughts rambled on and on._

"_Well you have to do something!" she admonished quietly. He brought his head up to meet her eyes. "I mean c'mon Derek! What are you doing? Going into hiding again?" she persisted. _

"_I'm trying to move on, trying to make something here … hoping I didn't lose another chance to make things right –"_

"_Damn you Derek," she heaved. "You __barely__ gave our marriage a second chance and I know …," she sighed in frustration. "I __know__ we've done this before, but I swear Derek, how could you walk away from her after everything?" she hissed._

"_Addie, I don't … don't do this, isn't the nagging supposed to stop once you get divorced?" he asked, trying to deflect the conversation away from his secret pain._

"_Seriously Derek?" she hissed, walking away from him. He followed her again. _

"_Addison, don't –" he sighed. _

"_No, __you__ don't!" she said, turning around to face him. "Are you really gonna stand there and tell me not to?" she heaved. "You__ lived__ with the weight of our marriage __all over you__ when you met her and you said __nothing__!" her voice rising. "And then … then you lived with me and __my__ mistakes, and now, now … you set yourself free from all of it … but you've imprisoned yourself all over again! I can't barely stand it!"she admonished. "I can't fucking stand it!" she growled, her frustration with his decisions evident, her face red with fury. _

"_She left Addison," he muttered in defeat. "What do you expect me to do?" he raised his eyes to meet her angry ones. "I'll go after her, I will. I will, I'm determined to do that – I can't __be__ without her, I've learned that much – but … I have no idea where to start!" he exclaimed, his voice rising in crescendo. _

_Addison came to stand in front of him. "Damn it Derek!" she said into his face. "You should have let her choose, you should have trusted her! You were the __one__, don't you get it?" she pleaded. "Are you ever gonna see it?" she heaved, her eyes glassy, her intensity … real. "She wanted to __know__ …that day, before her surgery …," she whispered then, tears threatening to fall._

"_What did she … Addison, what?" he asked, his heart racing, his mind full of fuzzy logic._

"_You know what, it doesn't matter now, Derek. She's gone," she sighed softly, resting her hand on his forearm. His stomach on fire, bile rising now. "Just stop hiding, haven't you kept enough secrets?" she pleaded, while the pit in his stomach rankled around and around looking for a place to spark its fire. _

"_This whole thing, everything … except for meeting her … was a …," his small voice hung in the space between them, old lovers, old partners, old friends. "The truth is … I left her, but … but she never left me – I know it's not over, I just don't know where the beginning will be – I'm sorry for my part – for my secret love for her, it was cruel and unkind – I'm sorry for how I handled our … ending," he said, taking a deep breath._

"_Me too, me too," she said quietly, halting his desperation, squeezing his arm._

_Silent pleas rocked like the waves of the ocean between them now – silence … silence … silence – would the dull ache of Meredith ever find a home, would Derek ever be able to see beyond his mistakes and seek the joy of life again – silence … silence … silence – small amounts of understanding passed between the once-lovers. Acceptance for each other's weaknesses and betrayals of the heart were imminent now, the ban on each other somehow … lifted. The small storm had passed between them, for now. _

"_You know, you could always ask Richard –" _

"_Richard?" he asked; his eyes wide. _

"_Oh, c'mon Derek," she chuckled. "That man breaks more rules than anyone I know," she said. "If he knows where she is, he'll at least give you a clue … he can't hold a secret, he's always in everyone's business, isn't he?" she asked with a raised brow. "You won't know unless you ask," she added._

"_You have a point," he sighed, his mind reeling already._

"_On this one thing, we agree, you should ask," she counseled. _

***

Derek was pulled from his reverie as the water ran cold like the blood through his veins – _splattering all around him like small tiny icicles now, crack, crack, crack against his skin_ – he quickly finished up and turned the faucet off. His mind cloudy from the humidity and conflicting thoughts now, as reached out for a towel and dried himself off. He got dressed, hung the towel up and exited the bathroom. After that conversation with Addison last night, Derek had looked for Richard, but could not find him. He left the hospital instead, feeling desperate to just get home. He crossed the small space and decided to call again – _praying for a signal in this storm, praying for some other kind of signal too_ – a clue, a hint … anything to bring him closer to Meredith. He longed to find his way back to her and Addison was right … he needed to stop hiding from his feelings for her and his fears that she might not feel the same. He dialed the number, Richard's voice funneled into his ear.

"Derek? Aren't you off today?" he asked, Derek could barely hear him over the rain now.

"I am, look _… do you know where Meredith is_?" he asked, rapid fire just like his heartbeat.

"Now, Derek," Richard sighed. "You know … you know I can't tell you what I know," he said with authority.

"Bullshit. You _know_ you _can_ and that you _should_ – you _should _Richard – you should tell me what you know," he said firmly.

"I don't really know anything," he replied.

"But you know enough," Derek sighed.

"I do," Richard agreed.

"Look just think about how you felt when Ellis bolted," Derek said into the line. "Think about that, two can play this game," he said, his voice rising. "Tell me!" he demanded. "If you do nothing else for me ever again, tell me," he pleaded quietly.

_silence … silence … silence _

"I don't where she went exactly or who she's working for … but … they wouldn't tell me," he said, his voice cracked, he cleared his throat. "But she's …think _tsunami_ Derek," he said evenly into the receiver. "She's on Bali … somewhere within all of that wreckage…," he said, his voice catching in his throat.

_Derek disconnected the line without another word. His world spun out of control, his blood ran cold, his mind raging now much like the storm outside. A large crackling report of thunder rocked the small trailer, but Derek didn't even flinch, for he was already there, miles away, trapped in the carnage of the tsunami._

_I'm with you Meredith; you're here too, you are, you are … stay safe, stay safe …_

His mind worked on overdrive now – _stock footage of the Banda Aceh tsunami flooded his thoughts, around and around and around it went _– the amateur video clips of the tidal waves, still photos from the aftermath (_blood, loss of life, disease, beauty marred with tragedy at every blink of the eye_), everything, all of it, any small piece of information he ever learned about the disaster funneled through his mind at warp speed!

_Where was she … she was amidst a natural disaster._

_What had he done … he had put her there._

_Why did she go … to soothe her aching heart no doubt._

_How would he ever find her … he had no choice but to try._

_He crossed the room, his stomach on fire now – his body shaking with anger and frustration (at himself) – his ulcer raging, turning, and churning in his stomach with no sign of letting up ever again, for it was omnipresent and would be until Derek did something, anything!_

_Who did he know?_

_Who could help him?_

_He had to know someone! His mind spun like a top as he paced up and down the small area of the trailer … sweat formed on his brow, cell phone ready with the a signal. Names of medical school friends and colleagues flooded his brain now – ping, ping, ping, he cataloged anyone and everyone he ever met, there was that one guy, damn what was his name –thinking of anyone he could ask to find out who she working for and where she might be within all the wreckage of the tragic storm … of them._

_Who did he know? Careening out of control now, his labored breathing was all he could hear over the intense pounding of his heart … searching now to find any clear path within the rubble – any clear sign within all the deceit and sorrow and pain and misery he had caused! Who did he know? _

_Where was she?_

_The World Health Organization? _

_Was she safe?_

_Doctors Without Borders?_

_What had she done?_

_Who could help him? He didn't know anyone; he would make some calls, find out as much as he could and just go! Go to her – and not to save her – but to save himself, because he didn't want to hide anymore! He wanted to really live and he wanted to show his love for all to see, he wanted to prove to Meredith that he was enough for her, once and for all. He knew only __he__ could save himself, only __he__ could help himself and that it was all up to him. If he couldn't find out exactly where she was straight away … he would go there first and find her once he arrived. _

_He had an old contact book– they knew this humanitarian aid doctor in med school – he was gonna join the army or Doctors Without Borders and shove his over-priced education down the tubes and become an army surgeon or a humanitarian just to piss his wealthy-elitist parents off, if he only could remember … remember that guy's name! Damn it!_

_Derek crossed the room to the closet and fell to his knees; he reached way back and got the box he was thinking of, a file of published papers, texts and contacts – med school in a box – he pulled it forward and made to stand up with it and as he did, he banged his head on the top shelf of the closet. The box dropped to the floor with a deafening thud, papers and notebooks were everywhere. _

"Just fucking great," Derek moaned, massaging his temple, a migraine coming on now too. His stomach turned as he leaned down to get the contact book, but he lost his balance and all of a sudden he was dizzy.

He righted himself and staggered to his bed with the book clipped under his arm, cell phone in hand. He reached the bed, his hands and heart trembling now as tears begin to flow, the images played on now like an old movie reel in his head – _Banda Aceh, tsunami, earthquake, December 26, catastrophic outcome, thousands lost at sea, blood, disease, Bali, Indonesia_ – a world away and the world just got smaller … for Banda Aceh was just around the corner now.

Thick tears filled his gateways again as Derek slipped in between the cold sheets of his bed. He felt stuck, stymied – _like he couldn't get away from himself and the misery he encompassed and created_ – he was right back where he started! He was all alone in the middle of nowhere, trying to survive the storm – _a storm of his own creation_ – although this time Addison and Mark did not drive him out here and leave him for dead… oh no, this time he had done that all on his own!

Addison was right – _he had done nothing but hide and covet his feelings for Meredith since they met_ – he wanted her, wanted a _relationship_ with her even (_right from the very start_), but he couldn't allow himself to ponder that because he couldn't give himself to her freely. Except, that he acted on instinct – _when they first met, he acted with his heart, pushing all logic aside_ – of course he knew it wasn't right, but he had fallen for her too quickly – _for she was the one_ – the one and only.

Derek rolled over, flat on his back, the contact book lay at the foot of the bed. He clutched the cell phone, his lifeline in his fist. _Think, think, think …_ was all he could chant, who did he know, who could he call, what was that guy's name? _Jack Something, damn it!_ His mind went blank instead, he couldn't focus. All he could do was look through the small skylight – _up and into the darkening sky and think about Meredith_ – for she too was all alone (or he presumed she was), in the thick of the storm he had created for her – _he all but sent her there, not to say she didn't have a mind of her own_ – but that, he forced her to leave by not allowing her to choose … to make her choice. And now that he thought about it – _the cards were on the table, even from the very beginning with them_ – he was an ass for walking away, because she would have chosen him eventually. And deep down he knew she would have – _hell she wanted him when she knew he was broken_ – he just didn't trust himself, because he'd known for quite some time now that he trusted Meredith with his life, for she had saved him when they met without even trying.

Thinking back, he wasn't sure what to make of her – _she clearly had commitment issues, even then … she vacillated_ – and he wasn't sure about her feelings for him … she always kept him guessing. For in those early weeks she was always a little aloof or insecure or elusive – _it was part of what he loved about her straight away though, the mystery of Meredith_ – well that, and her private pain he so desperately wanted to absorb for her. His heart clenched now thinking about Meredith's pain – _her sad childhood, her vanishing father, her mother who never wanted her_ – remorse funneled through him now, for he only added to her anguish. He sighed, closing his eyes, pushing the last of those tears onto his cheeks and smiled ever so slightly – _because then one night, something happened, everything changed for them_ – and all of a sudden it was give and take and their private pains were shared and there was no turning back.

***

_He remembered so clearly the conversation he had with Bailey and Burke in regards to Annie Connors' surgery – and their plan to save her life, whether she wanted to be saved or not was up to her – but they had to plan nonetheless. All the while, Derek's secret – Addison and his marriage – was a black hole of a tumor that he had been carrying around with him, for he was no different than Annie Connors at that point, only he was bonded to his tumor by name and wedding vows, there was no delicate surgery to fix his woes and much like Annie again, he was in way over his head and he was dangerously close to being out of … time. _

"_Do you think she really wants to live?" _

_(He only wants to move on.)_

"_She's been living under this thing, just watching it grow for how long?"_

_(He was living in denial … while his feelings for Meredith only grew.)_

"_She doesn't seem stupid."_

_(He was brainless.)_

"_Doesn't even seem all that scared."_

_(No, he was … petrified of losing Meredith.)_

"_Why would anyone wait this long unless they wanted to die?"_

_(People do things every day that they know could kill them. Doesn't mean they want to die.)_

_"What are her chances of surviving the surgery?"_

_(He might not survive the truth … she may not either.)_

_"So is it worth it?" _

_(She was worth it, falling in love with Meredith Grey was worth it.)_

***

_And then the surgery later that day … it was a mess and she never had a chance, it was risky, at best – oh God, just the loss of life and the smell, the smell of that much blood, it was a disaster waiting to happen – much like his own dilemma, the guilt of his deceit slowly weighing him down, taking small bits of him over time, taking small pieces of his pride and dignity and everything in between – it was like the eye of the storm – destruction without discrimination. _

"_Get me some suction here. I can't see what I'm doing!" he shouted over the commotion in the OR. "Clamp, clamp, clamp, please! Is there any blood in the rapid infuser?" his mind on overdrive, he sensed the end was near, but he so badly didn't want to lose her!_

_"I cannot see! George, give me your hand. Push right down here! Pull it towards you! Suction! Suction!" he shouted, rapid fire now, the metallic smell of blood burning his nostrils, it was all around him, there was no escape, the tumor was exposed for all to see … and so was he, he was gonna lose her and himself in the process!_

_"She needs blood! Where the hell is the blood?!" he screamed, barely recognizing his own voice now, desperation had over-ridden any sense of logic he had left. _

"_Somebody grab that," he ordered, the tumor bearing down on everyone now. "Push it back, George! Come on!" he encouraged, everyone breathless now – breathe in, breathe out – oh, the blood and the sheer amount of it. "Oh, God. Just squeeze it off right there. Here we go!" Derek heaved._

_"Some suction, please, in here, now. Come on! We're losing her now! Look at this. Look at this. Come on!" he shouted to everyone, but mostly to himself. _

_She lay lifeless as he started CPR measures. _

_One, two, three, four, five … _

_Annie, come on. Don't give up._

_One, two, three, four, five … _

_Don't do this, we can make it work._

_One, two, three, four, five … _

_We can fix this, we can … we can._

_One, two, three, four, five … _

"_Oh, come on! Come on!" he shouted out loud now. "Come on!" he whimpered, sensing his defeat, breathless and completely spent now. _

"_Time of death is 11:42."_

_The fight was over, the tumor, the deceit, and the betrayal had won. _

_Derek turned in circles, doing his best to preserve his decorum as his heart lay in shambles inside his chest. He felt sick to his stomach. She was gone …forever – her secret fear and pain had killed her – but Derek thought he may as well have been on that table, for he was no different than Annie. He couldn't breathe – he was desperate for fresh air – as he pulled his surgical glasses off and moved himself from the massacre, forcing himself from the wreckage, the carnage of a sixty pound secret, the irreversible damage of a another whole person – the weight of his marriage and Addison pushing down on __his__ lungs this time – making it near impossible for __him__ to breathe, let alone survive! _

_He was petrified. He was lost. He was broken. He was alone. _

***

_Then later – in the darkest corner of his mind – Derek broke down on the inside. He stood motionless under the spray of the scalding hot water and vacillated – back and forth – completely unwilling to make himself move. The hot shower turned his skin pink almost immediately, his own blood circulating, his own mind cleansed – a mechanism that usually worked for him, just a way to symbolically wash himself of the loss of a patient – but he only shook like a leaf this time, for it was not Annie's life he was mourning … it was Meredith's, it was his own … it was the loss of the potential of 'them'._

_He wanted nothing more than to call Meredith and get totally and completely lost within her – and he could do that, she had a way of doing that for him without even knowing it – she had saved him over and over and over again since they met. He was hopelessly angry at himself for his pursuit of her, yet he couldn't imagine his life without her anymore. In truth, he had fallen for her … hard and fast. He didn't mean to – but he did – and he couldn't undo what had been done, because he was in love with her._

_If only he could have and hold her freely, if only he hadn't lied to her, if only he hadn't deceived her … if only. _

_Later he couldn't make himself move from the Attendings' Lounge. He wanted to call Meredith more than anything, but he hedged instead. He didn't want to hurt her and the fact remained, as much as he had fallen for her already, he still couldn't get a read on her feelings for him. He knew he would need to put an end to them before he hurt her anymore, before she developed deep feelings for him … he knew that much and time was not on his side. He had certainly backed himself into a corner, knowing there would be no way for either one of them to survive the secret of his marriage. _

_He turned his attention back to Annie's file and poured over his notes. Everything was as it was meant to be – she could not have survived the surgery, even if they had enough blood in the rapid infuser – she would have only lost that blood too. The writing was on the wall; Derek needed to come clean with Meredith – and then fight like hell to get her back – knowing that Meredith was going to leave him once his secret was out. _

_He closed Annie Connors' file on what would be the last chapter of her life. He kept his fingertips at the edge of her name there, it could have been minutes or even an hour, he sat there, just staring at her name. Hiding, hiding, hiding now… thinking if he waited long enough, maybe it would all just disappear, maybe he could make his own pain go away if he tried hard enough._

_He just needed a sign, a light at the end of the tunnel, something to tell him he could do this …some kind of way to know that he could come clean with Meredith and still have a chance with her …still have a chance to do this thing with her. He was petrified to leave the lounge._

_He stood up, gathered the chart together and made to go; he headed to the Nurses' Station and filed her chart. With shaky legs and a trembling heart he took the elevator down, hoping now to get out of the hospital and down to the ferry docks unnoticed. He exited the sliding double doors, the cool night air assaulted him – it was thick with misty rain, instantly covering him like a wet blanket – ha, they were in the midst of a storm, how fucking apropos! He could expect little else, a perfect end to a perfectly hellish day!_

_He just wanted to hide._

_He just needed a drink._

_He just needed a sign._

_And then he saw her, his sign … his – Meredith – his light at the end of the tunnel, his tether, his rock, his savior. She was a sight for sore eyes as she drew him into her – she had this invisible pull on him – he couldn't explain it if he tried, instead he just went with it, he let himself go to her. _

_She saw him then, a smile reached her eyes as she pressed her lips together, turning her head to the side. She was wet from head to toe and he wondered how long had she been waiting for him. She waited for him. She cared. His eyes found hers and all of those long broken shadows that filled his mind and everything in between fell away, whipping up and into the air all around them. She had this indescribable look on her face – Oh God, she looked like an angel – and she was, in that moment, she really was. She waited for him._

_He made a small smile as he approached, the aura of her stung him like a bee now … pricking him through all the pain as he came to stand in front of her, her eyes shimmering in the pale overhead lights._

_What was there to say?_

_So much, he could and should say … so much. But she spoke instead._

"_I, um, know this place where there's an amazing view of sunrise over the ferryboats," she said, pulling the top of a wine bottle from her bag, catching his eyes with hers, her features more gentle and calming than ever before. _

"_I have a thing for ferryboats," he said, pressing his lips together. _

"_I remember," she said as he stepped closer. _

_No other words were spoken, he just wanted to leave with her … he would go to the end of the earth with her (even then, even then he would have), he would followed her anywhere. Derek walked to the passenger side of the car and opened the door for her. Meredith slipped inside, __leaning across the middle console, he saw her open his door. Derek slipped inside, turning his back on the pain from the day (just one more night, one more night to forget)._

_He started the car and they were off – secret lovers once more – their fishing line attached, their souls flirting with disaster once again._

_Derek rounded the corner, his heart on fire. She waited for him. He headed down to the main street. "So," he sighed. "Where to?" he said softly, trying to smile. He stopped at a red light. _

"_We can just go to my place instead, if you want, I …," she said softly, her voice trailing off, her words hanging in the small space between them, his heart trembling along the fishing line as it slackened. _

"_I'd like that," he answered softly, the tug from her heart pulling on his once again as she settled back into her seat. The light turned to green and he pressed the gas pedal … they were safe for now._

_***_

_They arrived at Meredith's house. The windows were dark, everyone was out and about or asleep, he didn't really care, he just wanted to escape … to get inside and away from the pain of the day. Wordlessly, Meredith got out of the car. Derek followed suit. She waited for him and they walked up the porch stairs together. She opened the door, dropped her bag, slipped her coat off and took his hand in hers. With her long delicate fingers wrapped around his and their perfect fit together, she tugged on more than just is hand at that moment. She walked to the steps and led him upstairs via that invisible fishing line … soul attached to painful soul; they went up, up, up. They entered her room and she quietly closed the door behind him. _

_Once inside, she slipped her shoes off and left him standing there. She disappeared into the darkened bathroom. Her bedroom was dark; a small amount of light coming in from the street lamp below her window was the only source of illumination. He was alone, all was quiet, it seemed even the race of his heartbeat had simmered down. He took a deep breath, he felt at peace somehow – the aura of Meredith was so thick in her private space – it stunned him. He could barely think straight. She waited for him. The water in the bathroom came to life, his eyes darted around the room, landing on the doorway, flickering lights bounced out of the room now. He slipped his shoes off and stepped towards the bathroom and peeked inside._

_Meredith was leaning over the tub, lighting candles on the other side, the steam twirling up and all around her, shrouding her, closing in all around her … was this all a dream?_

_She turned around then, perhaps sensing him there. "Come here," she said, and he did. "I thought you might like a bath … do you, don't you need something … like this?" she asked quietly, completely out of her element. _

"_I don't know what I need anymore," he confessed with a wry chuckle, his voice shaking, his heart on the move again. Meredith reached up to his shoulders and pulled his jacket down, it fell to the floor._

"_I'm sorry about your patient," she whispered into his neck, barely heard over the rushing water. _

"_Me too," he muttered, his hands on her skull, his lips on her neck, the room was steam-filled now, everything was damp and sticky and full of haze, much like his mind. _

_Meredith reached up, she cradled his face in her hands, her green gateways scanned his – back and forth – looking for more, perhaps trying to assess his state. She smiled, a small smile, just for him, 'you're gonna be fine,' said the smile all by itself. He smiled back; her eyes became glassy then, although he had no idea why. _

"_Kiss me," she ordered gently, her eyes still moving over his face, she was watching, waiting …anticipating. _

"_Kiss me," he countered softly, his hands moving up, his fingers nestled deep within her damp tendrils now. _

"_Hmm, yes," she sighed, relaxing into him. "Kiss it better," she said softly._

_And so he did._

_He closed his mouth over hers, breathing in her sweet scent and aura of her and as he did the angry world outside fell away and it was just the two of them again and suddenly things didn't seem so bad or rough or unforgiving – how could they be when he was blessed enough to be kissed by an angel – he was encapsulated by Meredith's glowing spirit, her beautiful aura, her secret pains … and suddenly, she became everything he ever needed and more. _

"_I lied," he muttered into her mouth, his hands flanking her skull. "Don't waste the water," he whispered into her ear. _

"_Hmm, what?" she said, her eyes closed, his lips moving along her neck now, her hands at the waistband of his pants, working at the buttons of his fly._

"_I know exactly what I need," he said, his voice cracked, she moaned into the humid air. "It's you … you're all I need," he said into her ear, his hot breath fanned into the crease of her neck and ricocheted back into his face, everything was hot, his heart was on fire, trembling once again. _

_Meredith opened her eyes and moved her hands up to Derek's chest, he pulled her to him, craving proximity, pressing the small of her back into him. She reached up and kissed the underside of his neck. "Just me?" she asked softly, her eyes glowing against the candle lights._

"_Just you," he said leaning into her, she never looked more beautiful. "Let's save the water," he muttered, pulling himself from her long enough to turn the faucet off and release the plug. _

_He was in front of her again in an instant, completely in control of their movements; he walked her backwards out of the warm room with the flickering lights and into the cold dark night of her bedroom. They worked furiously now, heat coursing through their veins to keep them warm as they moved toward her bed. Derek unbuttoned the fly to her jeans – kissing her deeply – as he pushed them and her panties down over her hips, his fingers nestled deep within the hair of her vee now, he held them there in an effort to ground himself, he took a deep breath of her in, she kicked her pants off._

_Meredith's hands roamed all around his torso, teasing, brushing, moving his shirt up. Derek pulled back and took his shirt and sweater off in one movement and before she knew it, he pulled her sweater off too – her bare breasts screamed out to him …swaying with her body now – his gentle fingertips upon her nipples without hesitation._

"_Damn," he muttered as Meredith planted her lips on his neck, moaning from his ministrations as she moved her lips down and assaulted the bare skin of his chest, his cock reacted, lengthening by the second from the mere tip of her tongue grazing his nipples, swirling around and around, flicking the sensitive nubs, flick, flick, flick. God, she felt so good, her skin so soft, her body so pliant in his hands! _

_Meredith moved her fingers down to the waistband of his pants and skillfully unbuttoned his fly releasing him into her hands, she caught his eyes with hers, immobilizing him there as she began to pump her fist up and down along his cock. He kissed her hard, taking his own breath away as he did._

"_Derek," Meredith moaned into their kiss, her thumb sweeping over his opening – back and forth, back and forth – she went without a care in the world now! Derek could barely stand it, he bucked his hips against her and she giggled into his mouth as she pulled his pants down, he stepped out of them and turned around, sitting on the edge of Meredith's bed. She moved in between his legs, bent down and took his lips in hers and sucked hard. _

"_I want you," she said after a second, pulling back, her voice shaking, the emotion behind it surprised Derek. She looked down to meet his gaze, his hands on her ass, her breasts in his face, he looked up – the color of her green eyes intensified, a wry smile played along her lips as he cupped her face in his hands and kissed her – slow and easy – pumping her lips over and over and over again as his hands moved down to her mound where his fingers found his prize. He pressed his thumb against her fat clit; she only pressed her pussy against him even harder. _

"_Hmm, you feel so good," he said thickly, plunging his thumb into her hot and ready core. Meredith moaned with encouragement and raised her leg, she placed her foot against the edge of the bed next to Derek's thigh, offering easier access. Derek wasted no time and began to move his thumb rhythmically in and out of her channel, her hands on his skull, his lips firmly planted on her breasts and nipples, moving his fat tongue over her sensitive nubs – pulling, nipping, sucking, lapping – as if this were his very last meal. God, her skin ... her skin tasted like ripe apples and sweet honey and so much more. _

_He felt Meredith let go of herself then – little by little she had become more malleable – Derek's hand was soaked from her sex, the smell of apples and honey, her sweet juice, wafted up and hung in the air between them. He wanted to taste her, had to have her, it was simple survival stuff really. She reached down and began to stroke his steel rod, expertly moving her hand up and down over his muscle with just the perfect amount of pressure, she leaned down further and palmed the underside of his sack, rolling his balls in between her fingers – gentle, gentle – sending shock waves through his body as his sack tightened up, preparing to funnel his seed. _

"_Oh, no, no … not yet," he moaned, pulling his fingers from her pussy, he grabbed her wrist and flipped her over onto the bed._

"_Derek!" she yelped in surprise as he began to attack her skin, situating himself in between her thighs, he kissed any and all of her skin as he made his way down to her pussy, his prize, his elixir for everything … one drink of her sweet juice and he was a goner, his mind went blank and he would invariably lose himself in the slick folds of her pussy. _

_He leaned back then, at heaven's gate, peeking up to Meredith, watching her for a moment in the dark – her eyes closed, her legs relaxed and open for him – offering herself to him more freely than she had before. "Derek," she moaned, his fingers spreading her folds back now. _

"_Hmm?" he asked, his nose brushing against her clit, his cock aching more than ever before. _

"_Put your mouth on me," she muttered; her forearm over her eyes now, emotion lodged deep in her throat. He wasted no time before he obliged, plunging his tongue into her depths, his fingers gently pressing her folds back as he moved his tongue all the way up and down her seam several times in rapid succession._

_All he could taste was the essence of her as her juice flooded into his mouth – apples and sweet honey – he lapped and lapped and lapped quite certain she could never make enough of that stuff to satisfy him. _

_All he could hear was Meredith's gasps of pleasure and the smacking of his lips and tongue against her swollen pleasure points._

_All he could feel was … alive, his blood coursing through his veins, his cock ready for action, her delicate muscles systematically clenching around his tongue._

_Volleying for control now, he attacked her clit with force –swirling her nub around and around and around, plucking it in between his lips, pulling it back just enough, only to release it again – he heard her cry out for him then, her thighs all of a sudden locked around his skull, he pulled his fingers from her pussy, only to press her thighs back and down against the bed._

"_God, you taste so fucking good," he said as he went in for the kill, pressing his whole mouth over her wet hole now, siphoning any and all of her juice from her depths, fucking her with his tongue, flicking her nub with force now, anything and everything to get her off, to have her flood his mouth with her essence, for he needed it like the air to breathe or nourishment to survive, he needed her, he was in love with her, he wanted her to feel him, wanted her to cum hard!_

"_Derek!" she screamed into the black night of the room, her hands on his skull in an instant, guiding his probing mouth and tongue, she pressed his skull down where she needed it, he plucked at her skin, sucking, flicking furiously now as she sang his praises. He swept his tongue up and down her seam one last time before plunging his mouth over her hole essentially fucking her there, her hips rose up to meet his actions and only then did she cum, trembling with delight, her ass in the air, her thighs closed around Derek's skull like a vise. _

_Slowly, slowly, slowly, Meredith came down, down, down from her orgasmic high. _

_Her legs fell to the side, her fingers relaxed away from his skull. Derek slowly kissed her ripe and worn pussy then, breathing her in, tasting her … relishing in her satisfaction and his insatiable need to get her off. He French kissed her pussy, cleaning her up, before trailing teeny, tiny kisses up her torso, stopping to pluck his lips over her ripe nipples – once, twice – hmm, she tasted so fucking good._

"_I want you so badly," she breathed into the air. "But … I … I can't move," she giggled. _

"_Hmm, it's okay, later, later … rest," he soothed, he was just as good as satisfied right now, he didn't need anything more from her or from them. _

_He came to rest his head in the crook of her neck next to her shoulder, his free hand roaming around her soft skin, he kissed her neck and she moved her hand down away from her face. He could see her skin was pricked with ardent heat, the pale moonlight offering an eerie glow to her already beautiful complexion. _

_He sighed, watching her rest, tears pricked his eyes, the day, this day was hell … but it wasn't so bad now. He couldn't remember the last time he came home to someone, his heart beat wildly in his chest as he leaned up on one elbow and Meredith rolled into him ever so slightly …like it was the most natural thing in the world for her to do. They weren't new lovers anymore; they had reached the point of no return, they knew each other, had explored each other and that somehow made it even more enthralling._

_Derek reached down and moved her wet hair from her dewy brow, shaking his head wondering what the fuck he was gonna do … he was in love and had no right to be, had no right to call her his own. He leaned down and pressed his lips to her forehead. Meredith opened her eyes and found his in the dark. She smiled, a small smile, the one she saved for him._

"_I could lose myself in you," he confessed softly, his vision clouded with unexpected tears, her hands immediately found his face. _

"_I'd like that," she answered. "Come here," she said, pulling him down, cradling his skull. "Let me …," her voice trailed off, her eyes scanned his … he just couldn't read her. _

"_Let you …," he prompted. _

"_Kiss it better," she offered, closing the small distance to do just that, he pumped her lips, she darted her tongue in for a taste, only to pull back. _

_She reached down and pulled the quilt over them, suddenly they were lost within the bubble of them, the enclave of her room, under her quilt, just the two of them, safe and sound for now. She turned into him and him into her. She smiled and kissed him, he kissed her right back. _

"_It really doesn't get easier does it?" she asked, her voice quiet, her head on his chest. _

"_No, no, it doesn't … a loss is a loss is a loss Meredith, it doesn't matter why or how, it only matters when it happens," he offered, his breath hitched in his throat._

"_Hmm, I'm sorry," she sighed, running her hand along the bare skin of his chest. "I wish I could make it better," she said, stifling a yawn. "I wish I could take your pain and keep it for myself," she confessed. _

"_Oh, but you did," he breathed. Her head shot up and she cocked her head. "You waited for me," he sighed, kissing her swollen lips. _

"_I waited," she smiled, her cheeks pink, realization crossing her beautiful face. _

"_You waited," he repeated as she lay her head down on his chest again._

_And on his words Meredith burrowed deeper into him for the first time ever, she completely relaxed into him and fell asleep. He lay there for several minutes realizing that they had indeed crossed over into a new dimension of their thing together. Their pain was shared. She had waited for him and he was beyond amazed by that. They snuggled into each other, each no doubt, dreaming of waking within the next few hours to make love without abandon._

***

Derek opened his eyes to the darkened trailer, cold and all alone. The blissful feeling he had of that particular memory was quickly dissipating, for Meredith had grown tired of waiting … for him.

She waited and waited and waited for him to give her a sign, for him to sign his divorce papers, for him to pick her, choose her, love her … until she just didn't.

And now he only hoped that she would give him just one last chance to make it up to her. All he knew was that he wanted that back – _he wanted moments like that back_ – and he wasn't gonna rest easy until he found a way to make that possible.

A flash of a memory zipped in and out of his brain then – _the guy, the med school guy_ – Derek sat up in bed, _his eyes wide_, his hands trembling as he fumbled for his cell phone and dialed that all too familiar number.

"Shep?" Mark's voice flooded into his ear, his surprise evident.

"_Do you still keep in touch with Peter Jackman?"_ Derek asked; his voice desperate as he began flipping through the old contact book.

"Umm … yeah, he … ah, he runs a Family Medical Clinic way over in Darwin now, married some Australian doctor," he replied. "Why?" he asked.

"I'm gonna need to talk to him – _I'm going after Meredith_ – and I may need him to pull some strings, I think she's working for the WHO –"

"What? Where?" Mark asked, shock reverberating though the line.

"She's on Bali … somewhere, Richard told me," he sighed.

"Oh man," he mumbled. "Wow," he added.

"Listen, I gotta to get over there," Derek said. "Anyway you can help me, call Jackman, ask him to find out if anyone knows her or has seen her or anything, I'll take whatever I can get," he said firmly.

"I'll call you right back," Mark said into the line and then he was gone.

Derek fell back against his pillows and sighed. Jackman was good guy, maybe he would know someone who _knew_ someone or had some kind of pull to disclose Meredith's location. If not, Derek had already made up his mind. He would take a leave of absence or resign if it came down to it – _because he was gonna find Meredith_ – he wasn't going to make her wait for him any longer than she already had.

_Meredith … are you safe?_

_It was the only question he really wanted the answer for … he wanted her to be safe and whole and healed and out of harm's way, as much as he wanted all of that for himself. He wanted to be reunited with her and he wanted, more than anything to be the one to wait for her. _

**Chapter 10 to follow.**


	19. Chapter 10, Lightning Crashes, MG

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al. **

**Author's Note: All I can say with this chapter is two things – trust me – and think mid-season arc, all of what happens within propels the story to the next phase. Enjoy it, and please comment.**

**There isn't much I can say about this song from Live called "Lightning Crashes", if you have the means … listen. The lyrics, melody, the whole package is beyond perfect for this chapter and in multiple ways too. **

**Chapter 10 – Lightning Crashes**

Lyrics for "Lightning Crashes":

Lightning crashes a new mother cries  
Her placenta falls to the floor  
The angel opens her eyes  
The confusion sets in  
Before the doctor can even close the door

Lightning crashes an old mother dies  
Her intentions fall to the floor  
The angel closes her eyes  
The confusion that was hers  
Belongs now to the baby down the hall

Oh now feel it, comin' back again  
Like a rollin', thunder chasing the wind  
Forces pullin' from  
The center of the earth again  
I can feel it.

Lightning crashes a new mother cries  
This moment she's been waiting for  
The angel opens her eyes  
Pale blue colored iris  
Presents the circle  
And puts the glory out to hide, hide

**Chapter 10 – Lightning Crashes – Meredith Grey**

"_Slow down. Just slow down. Shh. Slow deep breaths now. Slow deep breaths."_

Meredith awoke the next morning to the sound of rolling thunder deep in the holy mountains situated above the coast. The air was sticky and wet; her thin white cotton sheet clung to her skin. The sky had opened up the day before; the sun even came out, halting the rain and the storm – _just long enough for the rice harvest_ – only to start up again as if on cue once the harvest was finished. It was true, growth and rebirth reverberated now with every blink of the eye. The slow storm hung over the coastline all night – _uninterrupted rain, thunder and lightning soaked the island paradise_ – only to intensify with the dawn of the new day. With any luck, the mountain wind would push the eye of the storm out to sea today, moving time along with it.

_Three days, just three more days, she chanted to herself, opening her eyes now, Meredith rolled over to start her morning. Glancing at the clock, it was just after 6 AM, the latest she had slept in what seemed like forever._

With the storm brewing the way it was, they would likely have a late start over at the clinic – _which was fine by her_ – for despite a decent night's sleep; her body was aching from raw exhaustion after the intensity of working the harvest. She pushed herself up and back against her headboard, noting the dark shadows traveling across the walls all around her … she got lost in their flowing movements for a moment. She spotted her cell phone on her bedside table and thought to call her voicemail … or even _call_ Cristina to check in with her – _feeling a tug on her heart, a necessity to check in on her mother for some reason_ – most likely a twinge resulting from her pregnancy. She smiled, drawing her tank top up, she soothed her hands low across her belly. She closed her eyes – _relishing in the aura of Derek for a split-second_ – just long enough to feel him with her, just long enough to connect.

"_Do you think she's lonely? My mother?"_

She would fly out tomorrow and see Owen's friend Dr. Jackman the day after that and then planned to call Derek straight away– _she still had no idea how to tell him_ – but felt certain he would want them. She briefly wondered if he had ever read her letter, but pushed the idea from her head – _focusing her attention on the task at hand_ – ascertaining the baby's health, first things first. Thereafter everything would surely fall into place … as much as _things fell into place_ within the bazaar circumstances of her life, Meredith mused.

_On that thought, Meredith rolled to her side and pushed herself up; she rested her feet on the cold floor and made to stand up, but as she did, she felt a wave of nausea flood around her like water at the shoreline. Bile rose in her throat as she lunged forward and into the bathroom, her belly convulsing on its own now, a deep guttural moan passed over her lips as she emptied the bile into the toilet. She grasped onto the sides of the toilet seat, bracing herself now … the porcelain cold against her hot sticky fingers. She squeezed her eyes shut, fever pricked her skin … a layer of sweat covered her face and chest. _

_She opened her eyes, she felt dizzy and ick, her mouth on fire with acid, her chest heaving with surprise. It literally came out of nowhere, her first bout of 'morning sickness', only she felt a wave of relief now – for pregnancy hormones made most women sick and she was blessed to feel their surge now – completely blessed, as she braced herself for more. Bile wafted up and into the small space around her … but she felt something else instead, only this time it was a small ache in her heart. _

_Tears pricked her eyes, taking a deep breath, Meredith leaned back and away from the toilet as a sticky heat pooled in her panties … she didn't even have to look to know what she would see. She stood up and pulled them down, always a realist, her heart took a nose dive as she looked, her legs buckled, her chest clenching now – __she was spotting__ – her panties were stained with fresh blood._

_Her heart trembled inside her chest with no sign of letting up … no, no, no!_

_She didn't feel anything – no cramps – she felt nothing!_

_She felt nothing, other than sick to her stomach with worry!_

_She didn't feel anything!_

_No back pain, no cramping … she just saw crimson blood!_

"Oh God, no, no, no, this isn't happening!" she cried out – _her voice echoed around her, having no place to go _– but all was quiet, almost deafening now … raspy breathing, that was it – _in, out, in, out_ – her silent pleas falling on deaf ears. "This can't be happening!" she cried.

_She stood, leaning over the sink now; keeping her hands on the porcelain edge, before daring herself to straighten her back._

_She felt dizzy – her head swimming, treading water above the storm – waves of nausea swelling again._

_She reached over and ran the water; splashing some haphazardly around her face and neck. _

_Fever pricked her skin still, she pressed the damp towel to her face … a guttural sigh escaping from her lips as she did. _

"Stay with me … you be good, be good, stay with me," she whispered, her hands moving low across her bare belly now.

She felt nothing, no twinge! No cramps – _nothing will happen, everything will be fine_ – she commanded herself. She just needed Ketut – _she_ _would know what to do_– she leaned down and slipped her panties off, her hands shaking as she scrutinized the blood again; it was sticky, fresh. She pressed her fingers over her vagina and brought them up to her eyes, she was shaking as she checked them … nothing, no fresh blood.

_She sighed, she had done her homework – the realist in her taking over now – she knew there were risks, she knew this baby was a miracle and that there was a chance she could miscarry. She knew all of that … but what she just didn't know was just how much her heart would __actually hurt__ at the prospect of losing this small piece of them. She pushed the thought from her head._

_She wouldn't, no – she couldn't lose this child – their miracle. _

On that thought, Meredith washed her hands, exited the bathroom and crossed her small bedroom. The air was stifling, sticky from the lack of natural circulation last night. The thick air attacked her now and she found it hard to breathe all of a sudden. _She stood at her dresser … still no cramping, no back pain. _She reached into the top drawer, took a new pair of panties out and slipped them on. Bile rose in her throat, she pushed it down and away. _Damn it!_ She grabbed a tank dress, threw that on and slipped her flip flops on after that. She walked slowly to her door, she was going to Owen's room two doors down, she never went to his room _– but_ _she needed Ketut and felt like she was running out of time_ – she dare not race down there though, for her heart was racing enough already.

Meredith gingerly stepped into the darkened hallway, the air chillier, yet just as damp. She walked the down the hall and stopped in front of Owen's door and stood there for a moment. Breathing – _in, out, in, out_ – all she could hear was the distant thunder and the slow beat of her heart as it traveled up to her throat and lodged itself there. She hated this, maybe she should just go down to the desk and have someone send for Ketut – _Owen would be alarmed, a knock at door for him if he was sleeping could really scare him_ – for even though Meredith and Owen never talked about his time in the army, she knew enough to know he was suffering from some kind of post traumatic stress disorder. She hated to do it – _but she was petrified to move_ – so she knocked and then stepped back from the door.

She heard his footsteps. "It's just me," she said quietly. The door opened and he smiled, still wearing a pair of pajama bottoms and a tee, his hair mussed up, his eyes red, he squinted into the light of the hallway.

"Are you okay?" he asked, stepping toward her.

"I'm spotting," she blurted out, her heart trembled as she made her situation real. "And I need Ketut," she said, her voice wavering.

"Okay, okay," he said hastily, turning away from her. He walked into his room and then came back to stand in front of her, he was turning in circles, she definitely woke him up.

"I'm sorry, sorry, I woke you," she said softly, afraid to move, but knowing she should.

"No, its okay, okay, I'll go, I'm gonna go downstairs and have someone take me to her house, I'll bring her back here … you'll stay here," he said, his disorientation fading away, he turned away from her and disappeared into the small bathroom just inside the doorway.

_She didn't dare move. She felt nothing – no back pain, no cramping – was this crazy, was she crazy?_ _Owen opened the bathroom door; he had jeans on now, the same tee shirt. He was brushing his teeth; he cocked his head and looked at Meredith square in the eyes. He leaned into the bathroom and spit into the sink; he turned around and patted his face dry with a hand towel. He brought the hand towel down, eying her curiously._

"How come you're not freaking out?" he asked.

"I am, this is me … freaked out," she whispered. "I'm too scared to move," she confessed, tears welling in her eyes as she spoke, her whole body quietly trembling now. The thunder rumbled in the distance again.

"Oh, okay," he said, stepping in the hallway. He closed the door behind him and took her forearm in his. "I'll walk you then," he said as they turned back to her room. "I think you need to lie down and put your feet up," he said.

"Do you really think that will help?" she asked, curious more than anything else.

"Well, it's better than standing in the hallway," he offered. He opened the door to her room and led her inside. "Do you have any cramping, any back pain?" he asked as she walked slowly to the bed.

"No, none," she said. She lie down, turning to her side, she draped her arm over her belly. Owen pulled the sheet up and grabbed the light blanket from the foot of the bed; he covered her with that too.

"And the blood, how much?" he asked, his eyes scanning over her – _always checking_ – always assessing.

"No more than a quarter in size and none since I found it there this morning," she answered candidly.

"Hmm, okay, just stay in bed, make some calls or something, _– if you can get a signal_ – keep yourself level, calm – _or in your case, freaked out_ – I'll be back … with the storm, I think about half hour tops," he replied, handing her the cell phone.

He slipped through the door and with that he was gone … Meredith was alone again. She sighed into the empty room – _the long shadows were still there, traveling back and forth, up and down_ – she focused on them, almost afraid to breathe. She reached down, cradling her belly now, laying her cell phone on the bed next to her. Thick tears pricked her eyes, the shadows disappeared – _everything became muted_ – and only then was she swallowed up in her inability to know what to do.

_What she could do and what __would she do__ if this wasn't meant to be … shut it down, she silently cried._

_Lock it down, don't move, stay in the moment, she coached herself … and pray._

_Don't let this be over before it starts, she silently prayed now._

_Don't let this fall away, don't take this from … us, not now, not after everything, she pleaded. _

She stifled a sob once more – _slow, deep breaths … slow down_ – she needed to focus on something else, otherwise the next half hour was gonna feel like an eternity. _Oh, let the baby be okay, she made a desperate silent plea._ It felt like nothing was wrong – _deep down she knew she could overcome this, that this baby was a fighter_ – and this baby was something, this baby meant _something _to her. This miracle … she hadn't realized until this moment that she was counting on it to happen, that she wanted nothing more than to call Derek, _right now_, and tell him everything.

She grabbed the cell phone and rolled over slowly – _she looked at the ceiling_ – tears streamed out of her eyes now, no place to go but _down, down, down_ into the crease of her neck, behind her ears, saturating her pillow as they dripped. She would call her voicemail instead, see if there were any messages … she wanted to be calm when she spoke with Derek and if she called him, _right this moment_, she would surely have a nervous breakdown and there would be nothing either of them could do to calm her if that should happen. Meredith held the cell phone up and looked for a signal; she began to push in the pass codes. She took a deep breath and exhaled, listening as George's voice funneled into her ear.

"_Meredith. We're all okay here. I think. I am, I … ah, I made up with Callie and I'm committed, I love her and you know how I know? She slept with that prick Mark Sloan, and I still loved her … I __love__ her. I guess we can't help who we love – you were right – thanks for that message. I mean you're right, look at you and Shepherd … did he ever tell you he loves you – he does you know, he told me that when we were in quarantine – and you know what … he told me to tell Callie, that I shouldn't wait and then I did … I waited, hedged and she slept with that whore Sloan, but I still loved her. I love her …hmm, maybe if I say it enough, I'll get used to it … … Izzie, she gave her inheritance money to Bailey for this free clinic she's working to bring to Grace. It was noble. I'm proud of her. I think she's alright, you know I'm kinda staying with Callie now, I know she doesn't like Callie, but I can't … hmm, well anyway Alex is with her and I think they're both fine. Burke's doing well, and Cristina is … Cristina, I can't even begin to elaborate on her. Okay, I'm gonna go … call this thing; I know you're busy, but we like hearing from you. Take care, Meredith."_

Meredith deleted George's message, for Derek _did_ tell her that very night, the night after the prom – _as soon as he was out of that quarantine_ – she smiled, a small smile meant just for him. She let Derek fill her up then, for just a moment in time – _allowing the energy of his love from that moment eight weeks ago consume her_ – just enough to forget about the spotting, the blood … she closed her eyes and sighed. _Slow, deep breaths, slow down, she coached herself. _She had another message, releasing the hold button; she held the phone up to her ear. It was Izzie.

"_Hi Meredith. I'm just checking in. I'm working again, I told you that … but I'm really back and I'm happy about that, I think. I think I am, but you know, I'm really a mess on the inside. I miss Denny, Meredith … I do. Will it ever stop … I don't know. I don't and no matter how many grand gestures Alex makes for me … will they ever make up for what was lost? I'm growing used to Alex living at your house with me … George has moved in with Callie, or I think he has … we said goodbye to each other, or I kind of let my apron strings go, we had this patient Jilly, Jillian, oh Meredith – you would have loved her – anyway, she's gonna die, she's a Puritan and she was a runaway, but she went home with her parents so she could die and have an Amish funeral and she had to leave her best friend behind because she was shunned … and so … and so I let George go, I did because … he's in love with Callie and I can't hold on forever, right? We can still be friends and he can be in love with her – I can't shun him – I love him too much. And he loves her, so much. Despite that she slept with Mark Sloan, but who the hell hasn't – well, I haven't and you haven't and Cristina hasn't – well … yeah, that made no sense then. HA! … I'm really going nowhere with this call, other than to know this has unlimited space on it … UN-limited … the concept is … huh. Anywho … I gave my inheritance money to Bailey … I did. All of it. Can you believe it? I gave it to her for this free clinic she wants to put together. And I feel good … I think … I think Denny would have enjoyed that … oh, God … he's around me all the time, all the time … there is this small slice of me – just a sliver, that can't let go, that's holding on for dear life – does that make sense? I think it does … I gotta go; call this thing when you have time. Oh yeah and this Owen guy sounds really nice. Bye for now." _

Damn, Meredith sighed. By God, did she understand … she fully understood Izzie's inability to release Denny's hold on her – _for she loved him and fell fast for him_ – just like Meredith fell for Derek – _it was no different, it only proves we can't help who we love_ – we can't fight the hold people have on us, there's no sense in that. For once the line is attached and souls are connected – _the small sliver, the slice_ – it just has a will all its own.

Meredith snapped the phone shut and without thinking, she reached over to put it on her bedside table and that's when she felt it … a twinge – _it ran in a band across her belly and then around to her back_ – she froze and time stopped. She closed her eyes and lay back down … tears crowded her eyes and slipped out, splashing along her cheeks.

_How could this be happening?_

_What was happening?_

_Damn it! Damn it!_

She took a deep breath and pushed herself up onto her pillow a little bit, feeling the need to check her panties even though she didn't feel anything. Maybe it was just a cramp, a twinge from lying down, she mused. Maybe this was all normal, well the blood wasn't and her pregnancy wasn't so far – _normal under any circumstances_ – it wasn't planned, she had major surgery, she had below average pregnancy hormones … by God, what was she thinking? Growing attached to this baby?

Except … except that something told her to trust it, that all was meant to be how it was – _mother's intuition infused with hopeful optimism_ – where was the Meredith Grey she had always been? Had she really become this person? She sighed, instinctually resting her hands on her belly again … yeah she had. She smiled, allowing the hopeful optimism to absorb her worries and as soon as she did … she heard a knock at the door. She opened her eyes as the door creaked … Ketut stepped inside; Owen nodded to Meredith and closed the door behind her, leaving them alone.

_Meredith locked her wide, accepting eyes on Ketut's – and without another word spoken, Meredith felt grounded – just looking into her sparkling brown eyes, she calmed down. Her energy was insane and Meredith felt it everywhere – all over the room – especially from the small flutter within her belly. She couldn't explain it if she tried, but she felt a pull, a calming force encapsulate her and she knew she was safe … for now. _

"Meri," Ketut said from her same spot. "May I?" she asked.

"Ketut, please," Meredith said, smiling weakly.

She watched as Ketut moved to the bathroom and quickly washed her hands. She came to the side of the bed and sat down next to Meredith.

"Pain?" she asked simply.

"No," Meredith sniffled, calm on the outside now, still trembling on the inside. "Only here," she whispered, placing her hand over her heart – _swoosh, swoosh_ – it pushed against her palm, rapid fire now. Ketut laid her hand on top of Meredith's, it felt soothing and warm.

"Already a mother," she smiled, her voice soft, soothing.

"I hope so," Meredith sighed, stifling a raging sob deep within her core, working hard to tamp it out.

"Lay back," Ketut said softly, the storm passing over the coastline now, thunder rolling right outside. Ketut smiled and the thunder seemed to die off.

_Meredith lay back against her pillow. Ketut pulled the blankets back, lifted Meredith dress and removed her panties. Meredith dared herself to watch, but she couldn't, she turned her focus away and looked up at the ceiling instead. Her shadows were there still – ever-present, always dancing, just like her room at home – always there trying to soothe her weary mind._

_Ketut pushed Meredith's knees up, her feet flat against the bed now, her whole core tightened with fear. The suppressed sob traveled up and into her throat now, relentlessly battling to come out, to rage against the quiet of the storm all around her! It was no use, it had won, fear had gotten the better of her once again and she couldn't control her thoughts, she began to ramble aloud!_

"What do I do? What if? What do I do? How do I say it? How can I survive it? How can we live with it?" she cried out, her voice raspy, her breath uneven, her heart on fire now!

"Meri," Ketut said over her cries, her hands on her thighs now. Meredith slowed down, her heart beating wildly. "Shhh, slow and deep, slow your breath," she cooed, Meredith focused on her voice, closing her eyes to the world around her.

"Slow deep breaths," Meredith repeated. _Derek's voice filled her mind now._ "Slow, deep breaths, slow and deep," she repeated again, her heart in shambles.

_Meredith felt Ketut's gentle fingers open her slightly. Then her fingers again as she pressed them deep inside her –pain seared her quivering belly and she tensed up, holding Ketut's fingers in place, clenching down with fear – the pressure was too intense! With one hand on her belly and the other submersed within her, Ketut gently pressed down on her abdomen. Meredith heard herself gasp, but she also heard Ketut's soothing voice … her encouraging words. Everything went blank, white – hot, hot, hot – and Meredith lost herself for a moment, losing herself in prayers, clinging to that small sliver of hope … hope that all was not lost. _

"Relax here," Ketut's voice filled the empty space.

Meredith felt Ketut's free hand on hers then as she moved her hand down to rest over her belly too. Ketut's fingers still pressed inside of her, they were all aligned with the baby now … connected. Meredith opened her eyes then – _calm encapsulated her again_ – she stared at the ceiling still, the storm moving on now.

"Meri, look to my eyes," Ketut requested and so she did.

_Meredith was still lost in the moment; lost in her prayers, but instantly calmed as she found Ketut's soft eyes … she had the eyes of an angel. The room was a shade brighter now, the dancing shadows still there of course, but small specks of sunlight were there too … the storm was moving out to sea and beyond._

"Ketut, tell me," Meredith said, barely above a whisper.

_Ketut's hand was still deep within her, fingers against Meredith's cervix now – a whiff of her mother crossed over her – and Meredith wondered why she never wanted __her__ this badly. Everything was so innocent, so rich with possibility, what was not to love – white silence filled the room, her heartbeat calmed down, the storm quiet, rain gone – as she focused on Ketut and watched a magical light shine all around her. Just then, Meredith smiled and silently wondered if it just followed her – the sun and Ketut – like a secret game of hide and seek. _

"Your baby is happy," she answered; her voice calm and serene – _her soulful depths on display for all to see_ – she was the embodiment of peace and truth.

"Happy?" Meredith sighed, her mind racing with unanswered questions, although she was more than consumed with relief. Tears pricked her eyes; her friend became blurred around the edges.

"Spots of blood," Ketut murmured, removing fingers from Meredith's opening. "You are closed … your baby is happy," she encouraged, her smile lighting up the whole room now.

_The world melted away for a split-second and Meredith was suspended in time, forever destined to remember this minute … this moment, this miracle. Relief fell over her like a cherished blanket now. She moved her other hand down to her belly – her mind full of prayers – her heart full of unfathomable joy. Had she really become this woman … a mother? Yes, she had!_

Ketut rose from the bed and washed her hands. Meredith ran her hands along her belly, once again permitting herself to feel the aura of the miracle inside of her. _'Slow deep breaths now. Slow deep breaths,' _she heard Derek whisper this time_._ Ketut returned and pulled the blankets up and over Meredith. She reached over and caressed her cheek. Meredith sighed in relief, both women chuckled.

"You are strong," she said with a wry smile. "You can work Meri … and play," she laughed with a raised brow.

"Hmm, play," Meredith smiled; her first real smile of the morning. "Thank you Ketut," she said softly.

"Doctor will say the same, my friend," Ketut offered. "You go tomorrow?" she asked.

"Yes," Meredith answered. "Thank you my friend," she added, grasping a hold of Ketut's hand for a moment.

"It is my … purpose," Ketut said simply. "Rest now, I will see Owen," she added, still smiling.

Ketut turned away and was gone before Meredith could blink. Meredith looked to the bedside table and grabbed the phone, still a little gun-shy to move too much – _she decided she should just call Derek_ – just call and check in and then say _something, anything_ … she could have miscarried, she needed to tell him that, he deserved to know that too. _Damn it!_ She wished he was here with her … she missed him, quite possibly more right now than at any other time since she had known him. But she still wanted to see Dr. Jackman, have an ultrasound or something – _not that she didn't have faith in Ketut_ – but one thing was for sure, she also had faith in modern medicine and she just needed to _see_ the baby … for seeing was believing.

_She closed her eyes, counting backwards, it would be only 2 PM the previous day in Seattle … she could call Derek, she should call Derek and wanted to call Derek right here, right now, her palms became sweaty! She pushed her feet beyond the blankets, suddenly smothered by the sticky heat in the air. She took a deep breath and held up the phone to see about a signal – she closed her eyes again – and when she did, the phone rang out and she all but jumped in response! She looked down, expecting to see that it was Owen, but her heart almost stopped when she saw it was Cristina. She flipped the phone open._

"Cristina, is everything okay?" she asked.

"_Meredith, I can barely hear you, are you okay?" _she asked.

"Cristina, I can hear you just fine, can you hear me now?" she asked, pushing the phone against her ear.

"_NO!"_ she screamed.

But Meredith didn't think she was talking to her – _for she didn't scream right into the phone_ – her voice was full of desperation, completely out of character for Cristina. She heard a muffled reaction, some kind of commotion on the other end of the phone – _lots of voices in the background, getting closer now_ – and Derek! She heard Derek's unmistakable voice and he was _not_ happy. She pressed the phone to her ear and strained to listen now.

"_Just give me the fucking phone Yang!" Derek screamed in desperation. _

"_No, no … this was __my__ responsibility!" she countered. _

"_Hand it over, NOW!" he screamed back._

_silence … silence … silence_

"_Don't you see, don't you see, I promised … I made a promise to myself," he said, softer now._

_silence … silence … silence_

_Recollection flooded Meredith's mind now._

_silence … silence … silence_

_Oh God._

_silence … silence … silence_

"_Hand the phone to me, she'll want to hear from me," he said firmly. _

"_No, I told you, no, this is on me, I have to …," her voice trailed off. _

_Meredith pressed her ear to the phone, listening to every word … doing her best to discern what was happening. She heard Dr. Bailey – far off – but it was her, calm and focused._

"_Hand the phone to Derek," she directed. _

"_I told you before you made the call, I told you … this was our thing …__ours__," he said, almost with defeat. _

"_Meredith, are you still there?"_ came Cristina's voice, calm … stoic.

"Cristina, Cristina, it's okay, it's okay," Meredith said, tears welling up, for she had already realized what had happened. "It's okay, Cristina … pass the phone to Derek, is he okay?" she asked. "It's alright, okay … please," she whispered, tears flooding now like the storm going out to sea.

_She heard a muffled sniffle and then a shift, warbled voices, nothing she could discern. She closed her eyes, her free hand on her belly – her lifeline – the other pressed to her ear, waiting … just waiting and anticipating and then … her long lost angel sang out to her. _

"_Meredith,"_ Derek said into the line, his voice weary, tired, but her name rolled off his tongue like no time had passed.

"Derek," Meredith sighed with relief.

"_You're okay,"_ he said softly.

"I'm okay," Meredith agreed; her eyes wide open now.

"_She lights up when you're around. She's alive."_

**Chapter 10 – Lightning Crashes – Derek Shepherd to follow.**


	20. Chapter 10, Lightning Crashes, DS

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al. **

**Author's Note: Thank you for all the notes on this chapter, I appreciate your words and enthusiasm more than you know. Please continue to let me know what you think! Oh and Sue (I think this was a question from you), sometimes I like to use dialogue from the show or lyrics from my song choices every once in a while, anyway, if the text is just quoted, like it is here in this chapter, it's more a matter of a method to remind the reader of the past or maybe Derek's memory of the moment coming through into the present tense of the story, none of the players are actually saying the dialogue. I hope this helps!  
**

**Chapter 10 – Lightning Crashes – Derek Shepherd**

"_I don't. I can't. I can't. I don't want. I __ don't. I can't. I don't. I don't want my mother to die alone."_

Derek spotted the Chief at the OR Board and came to stand next to him, giving him a sidelong glance, he silently assessed his mood – _his face pensive, his eyes tired, but scanning, back and forth, back and forth_ – suddenly Derek was happy he was not in his position – _the incessant worry, the constant follow-up and second-guessing_ – the all but non-existent personal life. He sighed; it seemed there was no time like the present.

"Shep," Richard stated directly.

"Richard," Derek muttered.

"So, where is she?" he asked, his voice quiet, reserved, his eyes on the board.

"I'm not exactly sure. Mark's gonna put a call into an old friend of ours who worked for Doctors Without Borders, but ah … I'm just gonna go –"

Richard turned away from the board … well _that_ certainly got his attention. "How can you?" he asked. "She'll be like a needle in a haystack," he added.

"I'm sure Mark will find something out – _it'll_ _take me a day and a half to get there_ – so by the time I arrive, he's bound to know something," Derek sighed, keeping his eyes trained on the board.

"How can you … just walk away?" Richard asked again, somewhat dismayed.

"How can I not?" Derek countered. "I can't do _nothing_ like you did," he said directly. "And I can't make her wait for me any longer than she already has – _don't you see_ – all of this means nothing to me without her," he sighed, relief consumed him, he was finally letting it all out there, being honest with himself enough to speak his mind.

"Hmm, well, I'll do my best to have a job for you when you come back," he sighed. "I don't know if there will be, I'm just warning you, you should think about what you're …," he started to caution, but he held his tongue. "You know what, never mind, I get it," he muttered.

"My career … it's just not really important right now. I'm ah … gonna take off tonight," he said with a small smile. "I know it's short notice, but I … I've made her wait for me to get my shit together for too long already," he said, feeling the pit in his stomach now, he just had to get there.

Derek turned to Richard, his old friend, his mentor and smiled tightly. The two men had an awful lot in common that much was true, but one thing was for sure – _this was the moment they would diverge from each other _– the moment when Derek would move on and away and follow the woman he loved (_to the end of the earth and back_) much like Richard _should_ have done when Ellis left Seattle. For he loved her, even today, and had lived with a lifetime of regret and what if's and Derek was done with that kind of life. He wanted and deserved more … he wanted Meredith Grey.

"_Take it easy. Slow down. Slow down."_

"Well, if you'll excuse me, I have a meeting with my contractors, they're gonna keep building while I'm gone," Derek offered as a parting sentiment.

"So … ah, things are moving along then?" Richard inquired.

"Yeah, ahead of schedule too, can you believe the frame will be up later today, or most of it will be … I'll even have a front door – _or there is a door, which I'll have the key to_ – it's symbolic, if nothing else," Derek sighed with chuckle.

"And Mark's helping you out with this?" he asked with a sigh, his dark eyes scanned Derek's face.

"I needed help and … yeah, we'll work it out," Derek offered. "Is he staying on here?" he asked.

"Looks like it and so am I … for now – _we'll try to reassess when you come back_ – maybe the timing will be perfect for once, if the board doesn't can my ass for letting you leave," he kidded, placing a conspiratorial hand on Derek's forearm, his dark eyes softened around the edges and all of a sudden he looked younger, not so weary.

"_Ah Chief, we have a situation here,"_ came Bailey's voice from behind them. Both men turned around and were met with her wide eyes.

"Dr. Bailey, please tell me you're gonna improve upon this hell of a day," he said, staring down at her.

"No sir, I'm not," she stared back. "It's Ellis Grey, she's just been admitted, rolled into the pit," Bailey said as all three of them began to rush down the hallway.

"What do you know?" Derek asked, his heart racing now.

"Her Holter monitor shows she's having multiple runs of tachycardia every hour. Dr. Burke's down there already," she said as they walked.

"All right, lets get it going!" the Chief boomed. "What's Burke thinking, anything stopping him going in?" he asked as they stepped up their pace.

"Yeah, well add the coronary artery disease that's been diagnosed and … and her Alzheimer's; well lets just say it's not pretty sir …," she said definitively. "I'll need Yang and Karev down there with me, I … I'm afraid this could be it," she cautioned.

As they rushed into the stairwell – _the Chief in the lead_ – Derek took hold of Bailey's forearm for a brief moment. "Why the need for Yang and Karev?" he asked as they continued to jog.

"Meredith, before she left, she set up a medical care symposium for her mother, left me in charge over all, but Yang and Karev have to agree to the course of action, they have to approve of the surgery, so –"

"But those two never agree on anything!" Derek sighed in frustration.

"Which was her point – _all considerations would be made for her mother while they duke it out for control_ – meanwhile, I get the last word … the last word for a legend," she sighed, the weight of the world on her shoulders now as they rounded the last corner and stepped off the last step.

The three of them walked through the stairwell, just in time to see Dr. Burke enter a trauma room at the end of the hallway. _Derek's mind was running a mile a minute, this can't be happening, not now, damn it! How was Meredith gonna feel about this?_ His mind racing in circles; trying to keep up with his heart as it was pulled in a thousand different directions. They reached the room and walked straight into utter chaos.

_Monitors beeping out of control …_

_Burke in a frenzy, in the thick of it now … _

_Nurse Tyler jumping to his every command …_

_Ellis Grey's lifeless body … she was in full cardiac arrest …_

_Yang and Karev red-faced from screaming at each other …_

"Ok, put on the CO2 monitor!" Burke barked.

The Chief strode up to the table. "Preston … what can we do?" he asked directly.

_The monitors screamed out, another pulse going off, another failure ensued. This was the end of the line! Derek stood there, frozen in the moment, knowing he had no business being in the room – they had no need for him – but he certainly wasn't about to leave either. He slowly walked over to the table, catching Dr. Bailey's eyes as he did_.

"All right, push one of atropine!" Burke ordered.

"Burke, Burke," Cristina volleyed for a moment, her eyes scanning the scene, she was losing control. Alex stepped up to stand next to her.

_The monitors continued to scream out, all eyes on the fiery green numbers as they flowed across the screen now – beeeeep, beeeeep, beeeeep – hope was fading fast!_

"Defib!" the Chief shouted. "Give me the paddles! Clear!" he ordered.

_Derek felt everything slipping away now – minute by minute, second by second – and the realist in him saw the cards on the table. He held Ellis' hand now, as her body reacted – rising off the table from the shocks to her heart – the Chief and Burke barked various orders in the background and foreground. All became muffled and Derek found it hard to focus on little else besides Meredith. Damn it! He pulled himself back to reality and crouched down to speak to Ellis._

"You're not gonna die on me today," he found himself whispering. "Not today – _not on my watch_ – but if you do, I'm here … you aren't alone," he muttered.

"_I don't. I can't. I can't. I don't want. I don't. I can't. I don't. I don't want my mother to die alone."_

Derek looked up from Ellis and spotted Cristina and Alex watching him. Cristina walked over and came to stand next to him, Alex followed suit, but Derek paid them no mind now though, all he could think about was Meredith and how upset she was that day all those months ago and how much she so desperately did not want this for her mother! His heart raged with a fire now … fear, anger, frustration, concern – _ouch, ouch_ – and that dull painful ache that just wouldn't let up!

"What are you doing?" Cristina hissed into his ear, he barely wanted to turn away to answer her.

"I'm talking to her, letting her know she isn't alone," Derek said softly.

"You should leave you know, you have no place here!" she growled. "Meredith wouldn't –"

"Cristina!" admonished Burke, but he was as good as ignored.

"I'm _NOT_ leaving! I won't. I'll stand here, but you can't _make_ me leave – _she would want me here _– and even though you don't trust me, _you should_, on this one thing," he answered, unwilling to be deterred.

"No offense Shepherd," she heaved. "But if Meredith wanted you here, _your_ name would be all over these forms!" she hissed, her ultimate displeasure of him on full display now.

"I'm not gonna fight with you about this, _NOT NOW_, I have a purpose, leave me to it!" he sighed heavily, taking a second to calm his heart.

"Leave him be, Yang," Alex said. "Just leave the man be," he muttered, backing her away from the table.

"Look guys," he said turning to face Cristina and Alex for a beat. "This was our thing together, ours and ours alone … I appreciate your position and I'm not gonna argue with you – _I'm here for Meredith_ – that's it, not to fight," he muttered, holding Ellis' frail hand in his. "I just … I can't let Meredith down, not this time," he promised, turning away from them, stroking Ellis' cheek with his other hand as he did. "Not this time," he repeated.

_The rest of the moment went by in a blur. Derek heard what was going on around him, but he kept his attention focused on Ellis, whispering in her ear as all of the action in the room became muted, just the backdrop for some kind of slow-motion tragic accident played out in a big budget film with masses of climactic and reflective layers for the viewer._

"Dr. Grey, shhh, shhh," he soothed, as much for himself now too. "I know we don't know each other, I know that, but you … you would be so proud of Meredith," he sighed into their personal space. "_She's bright and articulate and so damn smart_ … she's the one to beat you know, she is," he said softly, his thumb running circles around the fleshy part of her hand now. "One day I hope I can make your girl happy, I hope I can help her shine even more – _you aren't alone_ – you aren't, Meredith loves you, she loves you, she … loves you …," he whispered, at a complete loss for what else to say.

_The activity all around him became intense again, but he was still lost, as lost in the moment as Ellis was now. All Derek heard were voices – the Chief, Burke, Bailey, Cristina, Alex – all swarming, all fighting to be heard now, each unyielding with their own task at hand. And fight they could – all they wanted – while Derek stood there, sensing some comfort in knowing Ellis would not be alone and as her heart beat – swoosh, swoosh – for the last time, he would be there for her, this much he knew as he watched the scene unfold in front of his eyes._

"Still V-fib?" the Chief boomed. "Ok, charge to 300! Clear!" he directed, everyone stood back.

"Is the lidocaine in?" Burke asked – _focused, alert, tremor-free_ – deep in the thick of it with the Chief.

"Yes!" confirmed Bailey and the Chief in unison.

"Okay, holding compressions. Come on! Come on!" the Chief shouted. "Come on Ellis!" he growled as he counted. "Just come on! Come on!" he shouted again.

_Derek stood by and watched along with everyone else – as the Chief's desperation overpowered the room – his grunts, his anger, his frustration, his loss as it permeated the air they all breathed! Derek held Ellis' hand still, having never let go. He would be there until the end, she would not die alone – if he did nothing else for Meredith ever again – it would be to make sure her anguish would not grow over how her mother … perished._

All activity stopped now, the Chief backed away from the table in defeat, his brow soaked with sweat and wracked with thousands of conflicting emotions … all visible via the knots that centralized there. Derek took stock of the scene as he stood there still – _unable and unwilling to move_ – nothing more than a witness, nothing more than a man who wanted to do right by the woman he loved.

The room became quiet, deafening even, all Derek could hear was the Chief's raspy breathing and Cristina's heaving sighs. He looked up and locked his eyes on Alex's shocked ones. He turned to Bailey and watched as her mind silently worked on overdrive, no doubt reviewing every decision made (_by her or everyone else in the room_). Derek could see it all – _and he could tell everyone had the same person on their mind at that moment_ – and that person wasn't the illustrious Ellis Grey.

The flat-line of her monitor – _that all too familiar steady beep_ – rang out for all to hear. And as it became part of their natural landscape, the soundtrack for this moment in time – _no one made a move to turn the switch off _– for it rang out now announcing the end of an era.

_Slow, deep breaths, Derek coached himself now._

His words, bringing forth images of Meredith from that moment in time all those months ago, held up against the storm in the linen closet together – _the first time he had been alone with her, privately in a long while_ – it all came back in a fury now, building with crescendo as her gut wrenching cries filled his mind and her tears filled his heart all over again.

***

_His racing heart._

_Her inability to breathe._

_The heat of her internal fury._

_His inability to do right by her._

_Her anguish and the way it licked his face like a wild fire._

_The way she stumbled over her words – her pain evident – searing his heart with an arrow._

_His desire to shield her from this private pain – to take her into his arms and absorb it – to somehow make it his own._

_The way she couldn't move through the moment and the way he instinctually wanted to hold her, to cherish her, to love her … like she was his to love and hold and cherish, still._

_The cool temperature of her fingers as she took one of his hands in hers and held it tightly … silently grounding herself._

_The feeling of her head in the crook of his neck as she rested against him for that stolen moment – finding solace in his arms – and shelter from the storm of their lives._

_His desire to lean into her – the pull of the fishing line, ever-present, always there – even more intense than usual._

_***_

Derek spoke to the room at large. "We need to call Meredith," he stated, still holding Ellis' hand.

_silence, silence, silence_

_shock, shock, shock_

_gone, gone, gone_

"Who's gonna call it?" Derek asked, trying again to snap them out of it, but they all just stood there still.

_Have mercy on me, his voice filled his mind, allow me to survive this – to make it through without her – allow me to make it up to her! Have mercy on me, have mercy on me, he chanted as he reached up and turned the constant beep of her heart monitor off._

Bailey caught Derek's eyes and sighed, locking them there for a beat _– suspended in time_ – before she shook her head in disbelief. Derek pressed his lips together.

She looked to the Chief and he nodded – _silently giving his approval_ – the rims of his eyes red, tired. "I will," she said and everyone's gaze moved to rest on her.

Her dark eyes wide on the Chief _– just checking, assessing_ – as she made the call. "Time of death 2:12 PM," she confirmed with a sigh.

_The silence that followed was worse than all the action it took to get them to this point – to this moment in time – together, a world away from Meredith Grey, confronted with the ill-timed death of her mother. The air was sticky, everyone was hot … the tensions akin to a tether – more like a tightrope – every step needed to be a careful one now. All the players seemed terrified to move on and away from the moment. Derek removed his hand from Ellis', finally letting go, hoping that some spiritual miracle had been played out that allowed Ellis Grey to know she wasn't alone, for that had been his … purpose._

"Oh God, Alex, damn it!" Cristina shrilled. "She died on our watch …," she muttered in disbelief.

"Call her for me," Derek spoke to the room at large again.

"No, this is my responsibility," Cristina said, eying him carefully.

"No," Derek said softly, turning away from Ellis now. "Clearly it was ours, _collectively_, we're all here for a reason," he said, pressing his lips together.

"Someone's going to call her … right now, I'm not leaving this room until I hear her voice," Derek said, his eyes boring into Cristina's.

"Cristina, make the call," Burke directed, her head snapped in his direction, she could only glare at him.

"Listen, call her, trust me – _I know you don't want to_ – but she wants to hear this from me – _on this one thing_ – she does, she does, I have nothing to hide, nothing to gain by being the one who tells her …," his voice trailed off, his words fell on deaf ears.

Cristina sighed. The Chief moved to stand next to her. "I know this is hard … for you, that this happened while Meredith was gone, but … we can't change what happened here and someone needs to tell Meredith – _hell if I thought it was my place_ – I'd want to tell her myself, but …," he sighed. "Dial the number Dr. Yang," he said softly.

"If she wanted to hear from you, you would know! You would know!" she lashed out at Derek, looking for someone to tear into.

"Dial the number," Derek said softly. "You let me tell her, you understand?" he said quietly, for he would not be deterred. "I know, I know she is your person, I get that, I do … but once – _there was this one time a long time ago when I was too_ – I know what she wanted for _this_ moment … I know," he said, his heart trembling like a leaf in the wind now.

Burke moved across the room and stood with Cristina. He turned her around to face him, her back facing the other players. Derek locked his eyes on Bailey's for a moment, she nodded, her eyes weary, her concern for everyone in the room, evident. Alex moved to stand next to Derek. Cristina dialed the number, her fingers gripping the phone as she did, Burke's hand on her back.

_silence, silence, silence_

_Then Derek heard her – Meredith's voice come through the line – obviously surprised by the call, he felt his position weaken as he watched Cristina's resolve slacken as tears gathered in her eyes –she was hemorrhaging with fear and sadness now – she began to crumble …chips of her porcelain veneer falling to the ground now._

"Meredith, I can barely hear you, are you okay?"she asked.

"Cristina, hand the phone to Derek," Burke counseled.

"Cristina," Derek cautioned; his voice calm. "Let me speak with her," he continued, moving toward her, his hand outstretched.

"NO!" she screamed.

"Just give me the fucking phone Yang!" Derek screamed now in desperation, his heart on fire now, flames ignited, the opportunity slipping through his fingers.

"No, no … this was my responsibility!" she countered.

"Hand it over, NOW!" he screamed back.

_silence … silence … silence_

_He had to make her see, he had to … this wasn't his selfish need to be a good guy, this was a moment, a moment in time set in motion a long time ago. He pleaded with her silently now – scanning her dark, angry eyes – please, please … just give me this chance._

"Don't you see, don't you see, I promised … I made a promise to myself," he said, softer now.

_silence … silence … silence_

"Hand the phone to me, she'll want to hear from me," he said firmly.

"No, I told you, no, this is on me, I have to …," her voice trailed off as Bailey came to stand beside her.

"Cristina, let him handle this … let him," she said calmly, her tone serious.

_silence, silence, silence_

"Hand the phone to Derek," Bailey directed, Derek sighed, stepping closer now.

"I told you before you made the call, I told you … this was our thing …_ours_," he said, almost with defeat.

Cristina looked at Derek then – _her eyes darting around his _– she cocked her head to the side, her grip on the phone slackened. She sighed and let go of control. "Meredith, are you still there?" she said, her voice calm … stoic.

_He heard a muffled sniffle and then a shift, Meredith's warbled voice, nothing he could discern. What was she saying? He closed his eyes – focusing on his lifeline –and he waited … just waited and anticipated and then … Cristina handed the phone to him and with a trembling heart and a shaky hand, he spoke to his long lost love … his angel._

"Meredith," Derek said into the line, his voice weary, tired, but her name rolled off his tongue like no time had passed. _God, he missed her so._

"_Derek,"_ Meredith sighed with relief.

"You're okay," he said softly.

"_I'm okay,"_ Meredith agreed; her sadness evident. _"Tell me, Derek,"_ she said softly.

"It's your mother, I'm sorry Meredith … so sorry," he choked out, gripping the lifeline of the phone now, pressing his ear against it. "She, she went into cardiac arrest, we're all here," he said, emotion traveling _up, up, up_ now, he began to pace, turning away from his friends as the world fell away from him.

"_I think it's okay,"_ Meredith said, her voice shaky.

"Meredith," Derek said, tears pricking his eyes, clouding his vision, bringing him into his own moment. "Meredith …," he managed to say again, but his heart gave out.

"_Derek, Derek … slow, deep breaths,"_ she coached from her place thousands of miles away, but to Derek, it felt like she was right there with him. Those sacred memories flooded his mind again. He was swimming, treading water at best.

"She wasn't alone Meredith – _I held her hand the whole time, the whole time, I told her you love her, okay, okay_ – she wasn't alone … you have to believe me," he pleaded, no chance to see beyond his tears now.

"_You remembered,"_ Meredith sighed; her voice small, quiet. _"You were there,"_ she stated.

"I did, I was here," he sighed. "I did, how could I forget, I could never … I couldn't," he said softly.

"_Thank you,"_ she said softly, sniffling as she spoke.

"Welcome," he mumbled, lost in her voice and private pain.

_And suddenly it was just the two of them again – alone in a linen closet – like no time had passed. They lost themselves in each other, while the storm of their lives raged all around them. He heard her breathing – then he sensed the buildup of her heartache – his desire to comfort her, to covet her pain had not waned. He wanted nothing more than to tell her that he was on his way to meet her._

"Meredith, I'm ah … going, I'm co–"

"_Derek wait!"_ came Meredith's breathless voice.

_Yes, yes … whatever you need, anything, his thoughts swirled through the silence. He looked up at some movement he spotted via his peripheral vision; Burke nodded and led Cristina from the room. All was quiet, somehow only Tyler and the Chief remained. He turned his full attention back to Meredith, her breathing, her sniffles … her hesitation._

"Meredith," he sighed. "I'm here, tell me," he said softly.

"_Derek,"_ she sighed. _"Will you … will you meet me somewhere?" _she asked, her voice hushed, but confident.

_Derek's heart leapt to the moon, if that was even possible! Tears pricked his eyes; he bent over slightly, his head in the clouds now._

"I would go to the end of the earth for you," he whispered, a small smile covering his face as he did.

"_Hmm,"_ she sighed. _"That's close enough,"_ she added; Derek could see her smirk if he closed his eyes. _"Will you meet me in Darwin … ah, Australia?"_ she asked. _Australia?_ … his mind careened out of control now. _"On Thursday – in four days – will you … can you just come?"_ she asked, her insecurity rising.

"Anything for you … okay … okay, just tell me where …," he said firmly, he did his best to allay her fears.

_He pulled a pen out of his pocket and looked up, Tyler handed him a clipboard without missing a beat. And as he took down the name of the hotel – his mind raced light years into the future, four days into the future – how would he be able to tell her everything? Why were they meeting in Darwin and not on Bali as he presumed? How could he use this chance to help her see that he wasn't just planning to be there for her mother in __this__ moment – but that he wanted to be there for her too – and hopefully for a very long time to come. How could he do all of that and would she want to try with him?_

_His mind raced as she suggested a time to meet, in the gardens of this hotel – this magical place suspended in some alternate universe thousands of miles away – where he would be blessed enough to see her again._

"I don't … Meredith," he sighed, his voice lodged in his throat. _"I don't want to hang up,"_ he whispered desperately. "I don't want to say goodbye," he confessed, his chest clenching down. He could listen to her voice forever … and ever.

"_Then don't, Derek,"_ she stated simply. _"Say …,"_ her voice trailed off. _"Say 'see you later'," _she sighed. _"Say … 'see you in four days'," _she whispered, the emotion in her voice not at all lost on him.

"Four days," he whispered. "Until then," he added wistfully, his heart swept away again.

"_Four days,"_ she repeated. _"Until then,"_ she said and then she was gone, just like that.

_Derek closed the phone and turned around. Everything was quiet – even his heart – as he stood motionless for a moment in time, searing the scene into his memory bank (for better or for worse) now. He watched his friend, his mentor with interest now as he stood where Derek had just moments ago, whispering now to his long lost lover._

"You've been gone a long time," Richard sighed. "I know you think you died when the Alzheimer's started," he said sadly. "I know it's a relief to you, I know," he looked up to the ceiling for a beat. "But it doesn't feel like a relief to me. I'm not relieved," he sighed heavily. "I miss the sound of your voice, I miss talking to you … I miss you," he confessed softly.

_Derek was awestruck – Richard's pain, his loss now so tangible and palpable, even to him – so much so that every breath they took vibrated with her death, for it was substantial … to both of them, for different reasons of course. Derek stared at his friend and knew with certainty that he never wanted to realize this moment for himself._

_He wouldn't survive without Meredith, not like the Richard had without Ellis – not in the long run he wouldn't – not even any longer than four days beyond this moment in time._

_Because he was done with that – done with denying himself everything he ever wanted – done with pushing Meredith away!_

_Done with running!_

_Done with hiding!_

_Just done._

_It was time to move on – it was time to live in the here and now – it was time get himself to that magical garden on the other side of the world – and it was time to reclaim what was __theirs__ – the beautiful potential of them!_

_It was time to live without regrets._

_And he would, move on and forward and out of this moment without regret, just as soon as he helped his friend … live through this one._

_He had an extra day now; he would leave tomorrow – for his tomorrow now had a destination – a tomorrow in which he would leave his regrets behind._

_Four days … just four more days._

**Chapter 11 to follow.**


	21. Chapter 11, The Promise, Meredith Grey

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al. **

**Author's Note: Thank you for the kind words, you know I remember debating on having Ellis pass away, but when I read that last chapter again, I was glad for it … it was a catalyst and Meredith might have needed that and in some ways Derek needed to really be there for Meredith, even when she wasn't there physically. **

**Anyway, if you know Tracy Chapman, then you know how lovely her voice is and how powerful her songs are. I am listening to this song as I post this chapter for you, I think you should find it and listen too … she's amazing and the lyrics, seriously … read them!**

**Chapter 11 – The Promise**

Lyrics for Tracy Chapman's "The Promise":

If you wait for me then I'll come for you  
Although I've traveled far  
I always hold a place for you in my heart  
If you think of me If you miss me once in awhile  
Then I'll return to you  
I'll return and fill that space in your heart  
Remembering  
Your touch  
Your kiss  
Your warm embrace  
I'll find my way back to you  
If you'll be waiting  
If you dream of me like I dream of you  
In a place that's warm and dark  
In a place where I can feel the beating of your heart

Remembering  
Your touch  
Your kiss  
Your warm embrace  
I'll find my way back to you  
If you'll be waiting  
I've longed for you and I have desired  
To see your face your smile  
To be with you wherever you are

Remembering  
Your touch  
Your kiss  
Your warm embrace  
I'll find my way back to you  
If you'll be waiting  
I've longed for you and I have desired  
To see your face, your smile  
To be with you wherever you are

Remembering  
Your touch  
Your kiss  
Your warm embrace  
I'll find my way back to you  
Please say you'll be waiting

Together again  
It would feel so good to be  
In your arms  
Where all my journeys end  
If you can make a promise If it's one that you can keep, I vow to come for you  
If you wait for me and say you'll hold  
A place for me in your heart

* * *

**Chapter 11 – The Promise – Meredith Grey**

"_I always hold a place for you in my heart."_

Meredith sighed, her hands moving in soothing circles; low across her belly – _she was right_ – their baby was a fighter! The miracle of their baby was fine, more than fine – _their miracle baby was the perfect measurement of eight week's worth of growing_ – their baby would survive. And from the moment Dr. Jackman made the announcement yesterday, Meredith was finally able to breathe easy, finally willing to let herself fall totally and completely in love with this small idea of … them.

She sat now – _waiting for Derek_ – waiting for the world to become even smaller, taking a deep breath of the fragrant, salty air now, her eyes skimmed the large perfectly manicured lawn all around her – _bright green, screaming of life_ – and the deepest blue of the Indian Ocean just beyond that – _the green leaves of the boundary trees dancing with the waves and traveling __whitecaps over the water_ – and it was then that Meredith became lost in the culmination of the beauty of her surroundings.

She shifted slightly and pulled her sun hat down, the sun was stronger here than on Bali, the air not as humid or oppressive, yet still tropical – _it was perfect actually, not a cloud in the sky_ – not a raindrop in the forecast for now – _which was fine by her_ – for Meredith could use a little mild weather, she could use a reprieve from the storms swirling all around her … storms that invariably seemed to mingle with her life. How appropriate – _the immense storms of the last week were moving out to the deep sea now_ – and then she thought for once her timing might actually be perfect.

Meredith raised her hand, resting it on the damp skin of her neck, just above the knotted-bodice of her midnight blue dress – _her heart trembling with anticipation once again at the prospect of seeing Derek_ – of his arrival here, after everything they had been through, both together and apart from one another. It was true, they had grown, their hearts had mended, healed – _at least hers had_ – for her capacity to love had been restored and her desire to survive had been lifted up tenfold by everything she had experienced since she departed on this journey, all of which she wouldn't have wanted to change … ever.

An impromptu smile covered her face now as she once again realized the true journey was only just about to begin. And if everything she had been through since she met Derek, everything she endured … and he endured … and they endured lead them right here, to this moment – _on an island in the middle of the ocean_ – than she would take it, because even with the quieting prospect of telling Derek about the baby, even with the small amount of fear she held in her heart, she wouldn't change a damn thing! None of it!

_If it all was a precursor for this moment, she would do it all again in a heartbeat._

She stood, feeling the need to move, to stand. She had slipped her flip flops off when she sat down and she left them there and walked a few steps towards the trees, the ocean breeze picking up as she did – _the cold blades of grass shrouding her toes, cooling her down now_ – her dress moving all around her. The breeze pushed against her – _she felt the weight of her mother's death again_ – but quickly pushed back, effectively moving her mother out of her mind … for now. Because today, this inevitable moment that could be minutes away, was about her and Derek and them. She turned around, half expecting to find him there – _but only smiled at her desire for him_ – when he hadn't materialized … yet.

"_I've longed for you and I have desired to see your face, your smile."_

Meredith turned again and walked back to the bench to sit down. Keeping her eyes focused on the horizon, the white sandy beach colliding with the azure blue ocean, she lost herself again for a moment, this time allowing her mind to wander to her mother. She felt a twinge of sadness … but let it go. _Just let it go, she coached herself now._

She had spoken with Cristina briefly and she was okay. She had moved beyond apologizing now and Meredith found comfort in that. It was an interesting loss for Cristina – _for the loss of Ellis Grey was indelible, and not only because she was Ellis Grey_ – but because in the weeks since Meredith had departed, Cristina had formed a bond with her mother, one that Cristina needed … one that she secretly cherished. During those weeks, her admiration for Ellis Grey was only intensified by her private meetings with the ailing woman, who was, for the mostpart_ – relieving the heyday of her residency_ – a time in her life when she wasn't too much older than Cristina and Meredith were presently. They had essentially bonded – _interested student to trusted teacher_ – and in the end, Cristina would miss Ellis in a way that was totally legit and completely without the emotional baggage that Meredith had to deal with and somehow that softened the blow of her death. She found peace in knowing her mother didn't die alone, that she wasn't scared and in an unfamiliar place when she passed away – _it seemed only fitting that she take her last breath at Grace_ – it made perfect sense. And well, the fact that Derek remembered her wishes made her realize his commitment to her even more.

Her mother had been cremated, according to her wishes as presented in her will. Her assets would be transferred to Meredith, the papers would be drawn up and sent to her via over-night delivery to this hotel here … and then the chapter would close – _a small piece of her heart trembling now at the idea of truly being orphaned_ – only to be soothed by the life growing within her. Somehow the baby made everything seem better, not so hard, not so unforgiving.

_She was blessed._

_Immediately following the news of her mother's death and the strong chance for the baby's survival, Meredith spoke with Owen and in hushed tones he suggested she visit the temple, maybe try to connect the dots, he said … try to find peace within all of the chaos of the morning._

_She was a mother._

_At first, she fought him with the desire to do little else but stay in bed and not move. She wanted to lock it all down; she was scared to move away from the moment, still. She felt helplessly full of hope and sadness and she just wanted to sink under those conflicting emotions for a moment in time – just to remember this day – just to own it and survive it. And she did, she lay in her bed for a little while, watching her shadows become brighter and brighter and brighter as time moved on and the sun moved higher in the sky … and then it hit her – time was moving on – and so should she._

_She was a survivor._

_She took a quick shower then and slowly made her way over to the temple. Whilst she was there – she was rejuvenated – her skin became pink, not so sallow, her eyes became wide, her baby became part of her again – she felt the energy of Derek, reconnected to the moment she found out about this fighter-baby only a week ago – she was blessed … she was blessed._

_She was full of love._

_And as she left the temple an hour later in a desperate search for mangoes, she had a renewed vision of what she wanted for this time in her life – the time she had left with her assignment here – and she felt happy, for she was going to work, and to play too._

_She could hardly wait to rest her eyes upon Derek._

Meanwhile, she had also heard from Alex, George, Izzie and Bailey, each offering their condolences, each finding it necessary to inquire about Derek's trip, each happy she wouldn't be alone _"at a time like this,"_ – _each wondering why Derek was making a trip to Darwin instead of Bali_ – a point that surely kept her from returning their calls … for now.

_First things first … Derek would come first … then everything else would fall into place._ And on that thought her mind wandered to her appointment with Dr. Jackman yesterday.

***

_Meredith stared at the ceiling, doing her best to relax as she endured another pelvic examination – it was all for the best – just focus on tomorrow, Derek would be here tomorrow and everything would be fine – they could work it out – she had no choice but to believe that this baby was the blessing they both needed – the sign – cosmic proof that all was not lost between them._

"_Well, your baby is a fighter, Meredith," Dr. Jackman said, his soft voice, cheerful, his unruly blond locks appearing above the drape, his blue eyes free from concern, the pressure on her heart released for now. He rose up and smiled, briefly catching her eyes with his before he ducked back down beneath the drape._

"_So …," she whispered –scanning the ceiling – seeking for more._

"_Your midwife friend was right," he said as he continued. "Despite everything you've told me – your appendectomy, your low hormone levels – your cervix and uterus look healthy," he sighed. She felt that familiar uncomfortable scraping of the Pap Smear test and breathed through it. "We'll send the Pap Smear to the lab … but it should be clear," he said. "You look good, your cervix is closed – airtight – perfect for growing a baby," he chuckled again as he removed the speculum from her vagina … and she finally relaxed._

_Meredith made a sigh of relief, pushing it out, above and beyond this moment in time. The baby was fine! Their miracle was a fighter – and rightly so – much like his or her parents seemed to be. She took another deep breath relishing in the fact that she was more than excited to tell Derek – to see him – could it be possible that she wanted him more than ever before?_

"_Remembering …your touch … your kiss … your warm embrace."_

_Except … she wouldn't be Meredith Grey without that small shadow of doubt – without that small sliver of worry crossing over her mind – she was desperate to know: would Derek be as happy as she? She hoped so; she hoped the days of Derek Shepherd walking away from her were over. Meredith had hope, which was something new and different for her … but – he remembered, he remembered her hope for her mother – and that had to mean something, right? Tears pricked her eyes; she moved her forearm up to cover her face – tomorrow, tomorrow – it couldn't come fast enough now, as those tears moved down the sides of her face, sneaking behind her ears._

_Just let tomorrow come … just let him want us, she prayed silently, her heart shaking as she did._

"_Okay Meredith, you'll feel my fingers now," Dr. Jackman said as he proceeded. Meredith took another deep breath and let her thighs relax, staring up to the ceiling, she let herself go … just enough, his fingers pressed deep into her vagina now. He placed his other hand on her abdomen, just as Ketut had done, and pressed down with gentle force. "So, everything feels good," he said. "Your uterus is about the right size for the gestational age of your fetus, since you're sure of the date of conception, it makes it easier, but yes … you're fine and so is your baby," he added, removing his fingers from her opening. He stood, smiled, and removed his gloves. He tossed them into a medical waste can and turned around to face her._

"_So, everything is fine," she breathed. "Everything … everything …," Meredith could hardly speak now, overwhelming relief invaded her every neuron, every pore was somehow she filled with peace and disbelief over her good fortune. Her heart raced on this moment of truth – tomorrow, tomorrow – she chanted silently._

"_Here," Dr. Jackman said, offering her his hand. "Why don't you sit up," he suggested. Meredith held his warm hand and sat up. "Don't be shocked," he chuckled. "You're a strong, healthy woman Meredith – __you can do this__ – as if you were meant to," he said, placing a comforting hand on her forearm._

_Meredith's heart raced at his choice of words – she was more than stunned – her heart leapt while Dr. Jackman turned to wash his hands. He made some notes in her file, but she could barely focus on anything else at the moment, any questions she had slipped her mind. She was bewildered and totally lost – the world once again becoming a little bit smaller – smaller and smaller it became as Derek got closer and closer now. Until tomorrow, she chanted silently, until tomorrow, she said as her hands fell to her belly. All Meredith could do was think of Derek now – we can do this – we can, she said to herself, for those words … Derek's words had moved her to see beyond so much more before, just as they seemed to now. He was on his way, this baby was blessed and she couldn't really ask for more._

_Dr. Jackman turned to her then. "Why don't you get changed and then make your way to my office, third door down on the right, I have a couple of minutes before my next patient," he said with a warm smile._

_A few minutes later, Meredith walked down the small, well-lit corridor, taking notice of the alternating pattern of modern art and sconces gracing the walls as she went. She found the office with ease and lightly tapped on the open door. The good doctor was on the phone, leaning back in his chair – his back to the expansive windows – the beautiful city of Darwin behind him. Bright sunlight shone through the windows as he laughed into the phone, with his lab coat off now, he looked more like a cross between a young Cary Grant and that chiseled specimen of a man, David Beckham. He smiled from ear to ear and welcomed her inside with a wave, all the while cackling. "I'll tell her …I will … bye buddy," he said as he hung the phone up._

"_That was your partner in crime," he said. "Just calling to check in, he's always checking in, right?" he asked Meredith as she walked into the room. "Sit, please," he said and so she did._

_She looked around the lovely office, beautiful Aboriginal art donned the walls – the décor was rustic, yet modern – kind of like the city and very much like Dr. Jackman himself. She was fascinated by him all of a sudden and could easily see how he and Owen were friends._

"_So … Dr. Jackman, thank –"_

"_Meredith," he chuckled. "You have to call me Peter … please, Dr. Jackman is my father and he's old and gray and uptight," he laughed and she chuckled. "Plus, you're more of a friend anyway, well you know, any friend of Owen's is a friend of mine," he said with a smile and she believed him._

"_Peter," she said with a smile. "Thanks … and thanks for seeing me today, in light of everything, well …," her voice trailed off, just thinking about the heavy meaning of the "everything" she referred to just then._

"_Well, I don't see any reason why you can't finish your assignment, you're healthy, strong … and strong-willed from what I hear," he cackled smartly._

"_I've heard the same about you … well, the strong-willed part anyway," she countered._

"_Oh, so the good old boy's told you some stories, well …everything you've heard is probably true, and then some," he laughed, pushing himself back into his armchair._

"_You're just how I imagined you'd be Peter – except for one thing – your clinic here … it's –"_

"_Uncharacteristically gorgeous for a __free__ family clinic on an island in the middle of nowhere?" he said without taking a breath, moving to lean his elbows on his desk, a sparkle of mischief in his blue eyes now._

"_Well … you said it," she teased, he smiled._

"_You can thank my elitist parents for that," he mused. "I call it making up for all those years of pent up aggravation over my joining the army to be a surgeon – the lowly station of an army surgeon – the guts, the glory," he said wistfully. "And to think, they had 'something better in mind' for me," he sighed. "Anyway, I call it their healthy tax deduction," he laughed. "Ah, Meredith … don't get me started, I may have to drink tonight!" he cackled like the devil._

"_Something tells me that would happen anyway," Meredith laughed. "And I know what you mean with regards to never living up to …," she sighed. "Whatever …," she smiled tightly, her mind on her mother now._

"_I um … I know about your mother," he said directly. Her gaze met his. "Owen mentioned it, just so I'd have the full …," his voice trailed off, he cocked his head to the side, catching her eyes with his for a beat._

"_Picture?" she smiled sadly. "A summation of my mental state," Meredith elaborated._

"_Something like that," Peter replied. "Rough day, no?" he asked._

"_Maybe," she sighed. "I'm not sure yet," she giggled. "That kinda depends on tomorrow," she smiled now, her mind landing on Derek. "The thing is, I could be a mess – someone else might be – but for me, it was kinda like par for the course ...," she smiled now._

"_So, you're a glutton for punishment too?" Peter looked at her quizzically._

"_No, it's the circumstances that get me, they bite me in the ass … every time," she smiled, her blood pressure rising slightly._

"_At least you're surviving it – the circumstances – I mean … so is that why you're over there on Bali then … to outrun the circumstances … are you running Meredith?" he countered._

_She smiled big. "You and Owen," she wagged a finger at Peter. "You're definitely friends," she laughed._

"_So, you've been over this with him too, huh?" he asked, no great surprise there._

"_Yes and no … no, I wasn't running. It was always a survival thing for me – and now, the thing is, here I am – with my circumstances …," she mused, thinking out loud now. "I mean, c'mon, I leave Seattle to survive … the loss of my love, only to arrive on Bali and I find out I'm pregnant with this miracle love-child … but I'm alone on an island that could fall into the ocean …," she sighed, bewilderment threatening again. "Who does that happen to?" she asked incredulously._

"_You, apparently!" he exclaimed softly._

"_Yeah … me. So, yeah –it was the yin and yang of it all yesterday – life and death converging over the same moments, only worlds apart …," her voice trailed off, her eyes glassy now. "The world is a very small place isn't it Peter?" she whispered reflectively, her eyes trained on the large windows now, her voice thick._

"_It is Meredith," he agreed, following her gaze. "What would make you feel better?" he asked softly. She turned her attention back to him and smiled._

"_Oh God, that's a loaded question!" she laughed nervously._

"_Try me," he encouraged._

"_Well, lets see … finishing my assignment – without any further complications or natural disasters – neither of which I have control over …," she sighed. "Hmm and … surviving tomorrow – the man I left Seattle to survive being apart from, the father of this baby is coming here, tomorrow – and all I can do is hope he wants this baby too …," she chuckled nervously, tears stinging her eyes now. She smiled through her thicker vision and smiled. "Oh Peter, you're gonna rue the day you met me!" she exclaimed._

"_Next time, I'll know, just be polite and move on," he counseled himself with a wry grin. They both smiled for a beat._

"_Well, I'd hate to keep you," Meredith said as she stood, feeling the need to escape. Peter stood too. "Thank you, I assume you'll be in touch if any of my labs come back with questionable results?" she asked, a hint of reservation in her voice as she spoke._

"_Come back anytime, if you need anything," he offered. "It's not a long flight, although Owen swears by the midwife," he smiled and so did Meredith. "I put together a big collection of books and information for you … you can get it at the desk on your way out," he offered._

"_It means a lot to me, thank you … and thanks for the chat right now, just, thank you," she said as she turned to leave._

"_Hey Meredith," Peter called after her. She turned around. "Good luck tomorrow," he said softly and she knew he meant it._

_***_

And so now Meredith had arrived at that moment – _the moment of truth_ – as she sat surrounded by the beauty of the gardens on that island in the middle of nowhere – _she sensed Derek was near, for he had to be_ – in this smaller world, their world … he might be down the street, or upstairs in his own room, or walking through the lobby to come find her, to hopefully tell her everything she ever wanted and needed to hear from him.

_For it was tomorrow …_

_Tomorrow was upon her …_

_Tomorrow was minutes away …_

_Four tomorrows had come and almost gone … and her love had almost returned to her._

Suddenly the fresh air was too much, it was stifling, she removed her sun hat, placing it on the bench next to her. She closed her eyes, allowing the aura of him to encapsulate her once more – _and she became lost in the intensity of their invisible line_ – the pull on her heart muscle gave way – _tug, tug, tug, –_ and suddenly Meredith didn't even need to turn around to know … he had arrived.

"_If you dream of me like I dream of you."_

She took a deep breath and stood now on her shaky legs – _the cool blades of grass soothed her fever-pricked skin for half of a second_ – she breathed deeply, inhaling the salty, organic air of the blue sea before she turned around and was met with the blue ocean of his gateways!

_He stunned her._

_She stunned him._

_He was here!_

_She was there!_

_There was no turning back._

_They had returned to one another._

She smiled and so did he. He turned his head slightly and pressed his lips together. He looked worn, tired, but completely at ease. He wore a blue button shirt and a pair of jeans, his bags slung over his shoulders, while he volleyed nervously with a white envelope in his hands. She watched as he dropped his bags at his feet and stood there still – _he was lost and so was she_ – for she had forgotten how captivating his gaze could be and in that moment, it was as if no time had passed. He stared at her intensely – _so reminiscent of that night at the Prom_ – he dancing with Addison and she with Finn, yet already a world away … already lost in a world of their own creation … _and create they would._

Meredith maintained her hold on his gaze, becoming deeper and deeper in sync with Derek. She took a step closer now, her hand brushing along her belly and as she did, his eyes darted down and away for a beat, watching her action. He stepped closer – _the fishing line was cast out to sea and had no problem catching her_ – she stepped closer and so did he, jumbled images from that night filled her mind as she began to slowly walk toward Derek, all the while he did the same.

***

_The look on his face as she came down the steps to the Prom._

_Her wide eyes on Derek as she danced with Finn._

_His wide eyes on her as he danced with Addison._

_Already lost within that private world of theirs._

_Already found again within each other._

_The small spark of life that ignited deep in her core at the first touch of his lips._

_Derek's heartbeat under her palm._

_The velvety soft skin around his rock hard cock, his veins pulsing with need as she led him safely home._

_His perfect fit within her muscles as he rocked her into bliss._

_The look of torture-filled pleasure in his gateways as he found their perfect tempo._

_Her heartbeat under his palm._

_The euphoria of their bubble._

_Skin on skin, flesh around flesh, muscles around muscles … all connected, all joined in harmony, their timing … perfect._

_Blissful oblivion … their connection restored forevermore._

_It meant something, what did it mean?_

_The seedling of their love …was harvested …_

_The miracle of them …happened …_

_The survival of them … would become their flesh and blood …_

_***_

And suddenly he was upon her, for they weren't at the Prom anymore – _but they were still in a world all their own and they had moved beyond that private world and made it public_ – they had transcended above all else to arrive right here, right now.

Derek came to stand in front of her – _only their baby between them now_ – he took her hands and placed the white envelope onto her palms, Meredith glanced down. Derek rested his hands on top of hers. Fractional images stormed through her head now as she stared down at their hands –_ the small sliver of her heart_ – lay in between them now too.

_My letter. My letter. My letter. Worn. Bent. Baby is fine. Cervix closed. Heart on fire. Whole. Healed. Together. Tomorrow … Today … Forever. My letter. My letter. My letter._

Meredith raised her head and stared into Derek's eyes and was met with his unwavering gaze, his once-private love for her on his sleeve now. He became blurred around the edges as thick tears collected in her eyes. She closed them, tears escaped, _rolling, rolling, rolling_. She opened her eyes and found him again, a small smile played along his lips, his heart still on display.

_His touch …magical._

_His eyes … captivating, wet like hers._

_His heart … an open door._

_His conscience … clear._

_His all consuming love … evident._

_For he had grown, she could tell … and so had she, in more than one way._

Their bubble – _the energy of them_ – found them in no time and suddenly they really were alone – _in that alternate universe thousands of miles away from where they first met and fell in love_ – and yet that distance did not matter, for their chain was not broken, and they were one to each other like no time had passed, this she knew without a single word spoken, for her heart was whole once again.

"_I'll find my way back to you … if you'll be waiting."_

"Meredith," he whispered into the wind, her name falling from his lips like drops of rain down a window – _fall, fall, fall … and __fall__ she did_ – for in that moment she fell deeply in love with him all over again … without looking back.

**Chapter 11 – The Promise – Derek Shepherd to follow.**


	22. Chapter 11, The Promise, Derek Shepherd

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al. **

**Author's Note: Thanks for the notes, I know the suspense is killing more than one of you … at least those who choose to comment, so I am posting this now in the effort to get you one step closer to this reunion you so richly deserve and desire. **

**So … this is the last piece of the dual-perspectives over the same period of time, since they will be reunited beginning in chapter 12 you will see my return to my "usual style", longer chapters with multiple parts … alas the next chapter takes us to the precipice of the next phase within the story. Enjoy this and by all means, please let me know what you think!!**

**Chapter 11 – The Promise – Derek Shepherd **

"_If you wait for me then I'll come for you."_

Derek closed the door of the taxi behind him, the taxi sped away and he took a deep breath of the fresh air – _he stared up into the blue cloudless sky for a beat, trying his best to still his heart_ – but knowing the effort to do so would be a futile one. He leaned down and grabbed his bags, thanking God he had traveled lightly now because his whole body was like a rubber band … he was pretty sure he would have collapsed by now if he wasn't running on pure adrenaline.

_He glanced down at his watch, thanks to a delayed flight in Hong Kong, Derek was literally right on time – __finally at the right place at the right time, leave it up to Meredith to get him there too__ – it made perfect sense, that she be the maker of his perfect timing._

Derek turned his back on the carport and walked into the luxurious lobby of the hotel. He stood for a moment in time, the lights dim, soothing, the décor modern, yet inviting. He took it all in and surmised the gardens were straight and to the back. He navigated his way through a large rotunda and made his way to another small lounge area, beyond that he spotted an expansive set of French doors leading to the garden. He took a few steps, gripped the handle … and that's when he saw her.

"_I'll find my way back to you. "_

Time stopped; for tomorrow had arrived. His grip on the door handle slackened as she rose from a bench and took a couple of purposeful steps towards the boundary trees, the rich blue of the Indian Ocean behind her, commingling now with her dress, a shade dangerously close to his favorite color, he mused. Derek sighed, only to see Meredith abruptly turn away from the trees, her eyes scanning the doorway now – _but he moved away in astonishment _– had she sensed him here? Part of him wanted nothing more than to race out there on his rubber band legs and take her for his own again – _to hold her, to kiss her, to profess his sacred love out loud_ – but a small part of him just wanted to watch her for a moment longer, for he had never seen a more beautiful sight – _never before had Derek Shepherd seen Meredith Grey so full of peace and harmony_ – never, ever.

For in some strange way, he felt like an intruder walking into a private moment moment of hers, or something. All he knew was that he could watch her forever and never turn away again. She wore a large sun hat that seemed to dwarf her – _although her radiant beauty could never be fully cloaked_ – and he watched her still as she paced, barefoot, her dress moving with her as she went. It was true, he had never seen a more stunningly beautiful sight – _he was blessed_ – this he knew of course, but at this precise moment in time … he actually felt it –_ the aura of her _– and it leveled him like no other encounter he had ever had.

His heart raced as she came to sit down on a bench facing the water, lost in thoughts of anticipation much like he was, he presumed. Cristina's words hung in the air all around him now– _before she left, she wanted to know what his intentions were _– she wanted to know what he planned to say to Meredith and he told her the truth – _that he missed their world, that he ached for 'them'_ – that he should have never walked away and that he wanted the chance to make it up to her … even if it took a lifetime to do it. Cristina surprised him then with a confession of her own.

***

_It was hours after Ellis' death and having an extra day now, Derek had stayed around the hospital in hopes of keeping an eye on Richard – no doubt her death would rock him – something he couldn't afford to do, not if he was going to stay sober and run Grace. Derek had just exited Richard's office, having just met with him and Bailey as they quietly discussed the terms of Ellis' will. There was nothing else he could do, for history had been written. And so he left them there and was in pursuit of Mark to ask him if he had heard at all from Jackman, when he all but ran into Cristina as she stood motionless at the OR Board._

"_Cristina," he said as he stopped and stood next to her._

"_Her name used to be all over this board – on and off, on and off – and now she's just … off," she said softly, her eyes scanning the board._

"_I'm sorry," Derek offered. "About her death … and everythin_g_ that happened in there," he added._

"_Well," she stated and then turned away from the board. "I'm not," she said facing him now a fiery glow coming from her eyes her skin pale under the fluorescent lighting._

"_Look, we were both doing what we needed to do back there –" he started to explain._

"_No, it's not about that," she said, cutting him off. "I'm sad she died, I mean, it's miserable for Meredith, for her to be gone …," she sighed. "It's just the circumstances of the whole thing – for all that – I am … sorry," she said. "But … I'm not sorry for what I saw," she said, her eyes softer now, she turned and took a few steps away from the board, she turned around near the staircase._

_Derek walked over to where she stood. He sighed, thinking about how Ellis' death was sure to affect them all in some way. "Hmm, sometimes we can't save a life, I can't say it gets any easier … doesn't matter who it is," he muttered._

"_No, I mean," she chuckled, "You know, it's no wonder we can't see eye to eye Derek," she said with a wry grin. "You don't … I meant you – __you and Meredith__ – I knew how upset you were, and I was too, but when you got on the phone with her – you went somewhere else with her, you became so lost in her voice – what on earth did she say to you?" Cristina asked breathlessly, her eyes locked on Derek's. _

"_Oh," he chuckled. "Just something I said to her once when she was upset when it was just the two of us," he said reflectively._

"_I'm sorry," she said. He snapped his head to her. "I just … I never saw it before, the way your eyes were shining … how she calmed you, how you are … together," she sighed. "I was always too angry to see it," she confessed softly._

"_I like to think I do the same for her," Derek replied. "She reels me in, calms me down, I couldn't explain it if I tried, but it's just her, it's everything she is," he rambled on, a smile crossing his face now._

"_Well, I think if hadn't walked away from her, you'd be together, but your timing is better now, I think... I don't know, you're a world apart, but somehow when you got on that phone the world got smaller, the distance disappeared," she said softly._

"_Yes it did," Derek agreed; his mind on their phone call now, the soft timbre of Meredith's voice filled his mind._

"_I get it now," Cristina mused._

"_Get what?" Derek asked._

"_Why she had to leave, I get it," she said simply. "I didn't want her to go, I didn't … I didn't think she had to, I thought that would have made you the winner somehow," she sighed, catching his eyes._

"_The winner? How would that have qualified me as the winner?" Derek inquired, Cristina's logic – her silent treatment strategies had always mystified Derek – even more so now._

"_Just that she had to give up her life here … to survive, it just didn't seem fair!" she exclaimed gently. Derek eyed her curiously._

"_I actually get it," Derek replied. Cristina eyed him curiously now. "Why she had to leave … ah, after I walked away … I wondered how I was gonna survive seeing her every day," he said softly._

"_I just … back there, before I think – it's your eyes, they were so wide – I can't explain it, but I think it would be pure torture for her to look at you and not be with you … she loves you," she rambled on softly, barely above a whisper._

"_I hope so," he said wistfully._

"_If she wants you back – you'll never leave her again – I presume, I mean … the circumstances are different now, there's more to lose," she said seriously._

"_You're right and no, I'll never leave her, if she wants me … I'll never walk away again," he assured._

"_How can you be so sure?" she asked, pressing him. "Why are things different now – I mean, for __you__ – why are they?" she asked._

"_Because I'm healed – I mean as much as I can be – from the decisions I've made and from people who have hurt me …," he said directly. "But, I …I am in no way whole," he said, his voice, hitched."And I can't be, without her," he said finally._

"_You can't be without her?" she asked,_

"_No, I can't," he said."And she's not … whole without me, I … I have something of hers, something that belongs to her," he mused quietly, his mind on her letter now._

_***_

And on that thought, Derek brought himself back to his moment of truth. He pulled Meredith's letter from the side pocket of his bag and walked through the French doors and into the magical garden on the on the other side of the world to meet his fate, his destiny … his Meredith. Once he passed through the doors, he held back for another moment when he saw Meredith take her sun hat off, she placed it on the bench next to her and stood, the air moving through her wild locks.

_Go ahead, he coached himself, go make it happen,__ he silently chanted now as he held the envelope in his hands._

He moved it back and forth now, feeling the familiarity of its softened edges, those small imperfections he knew by heart now – _the sharp crease down the middle, the minuscule tear on the upper right corner of the flap, the groove of his name under her pen strokes_ – his hands shook like his legs now at the prospect of returning her letter.

_And then the world promptly stopped again as Meredith turned to face him. The air was hot all of a sudden, the ocean breeze no match for the power of Meredith's hold on him … the miles between them had all but disappeared, but the intensity of their energy for one another had certainly remained. His bags slid down his arms and fell to the ground. He left them there in favor of moving toward Meredith._

As he made to move, wind moved the trees behind her, causing a natural shift in its glow around her and only then was he actually stunned by her beauty, and how could he not be, with the sun cascading down around her – _falling on her head like a glowing halo now, she looked nothing short of angelic_ – it was the only way to describe her really. Her hair was wild and sun-kissed, bright and shiny with more layers and waves than he remembered, her skin – _rosy, flushed, pink, beyond healthy_ – and the curves of her slightly fuller figure were accentuated by the cut of the dress she wore. She looked healthier and happier than he ever remembered – _she had truly survived_ – she was more than okay and Derek was simply relieved.

_Derek allowed himself one more moment to take in her beauty and maybe it was the magic of the moment, or that she was a sight to behold for his sore eyes or even that she had indeed survived – but no matter what it was, one thing was for certain – and that was this: Meredith Grey was positively glowing._

She stared at him then, her fiery green eyes locked on his so intensely – _she held him there, deep within the moment she had created for herself, unmatched by any other time before_ – and he let her be, for now. He smiled and turned his head to the side. She smiled in return and took a couple of steps toward him, he did the same, feeling the – _tug, tug, tug_ – of the fishing line as he went, watching as her hand swept low down and across her abdomen, her dress moving all around her from the wind – _as her wide, beautiful eyes bore into his _– ready to make their reunion.

He was upon her in what seemed like no time had passed – _his own eyes wide now, searching her soul-filled ones_ – his fingers around her letter as he became as much lost as he was found. Derek took her hands in his and placed her letter onto her palms, Meredith's eyes darted down, realization crossed over her whole face. He kept his hands over her still – _only her heart lay between them now_ – he relished in the warmth of her touch.

"_I'll return and fill that space in your heart."_

Derek stared into Meredith's eyes and was met with his unwavering gaze, his once-private love for her on his sleeve now. She was overcome by emotion then, closing her eyes, her fat tears escaped, _rolling, rolling, rolling _down her flushed cheeks as they went. She opened her eyes and found him again, a small smile played along his lips, his heart still on display, _he wasn't going anywhere_, he silently promised.

_Her touch …magical._

_Her eyes … captivating, wet like his._

_Her heart … an open door._

_Her all consuming love … evident._

_For she had grown, he could tell … and so had he, in more than one way._

Their bubble – _the energy of them_ – found them in no time and suddenly they really were alone – _in that alternate universe thousands of miles away from where they first met and fell in love_ – and yet that distance did not matter, for their chain was not broken, and they were one to each other like no time had passed, for her heart was whole once again and that was all Derek really wanted for this moment.

"Meredith," he whispered into the wind, his voice filling the space all around them, her name coming off of his tongue now as natural and succinct as his own heartbeat.

_It was now or never, he thought to himself ... it was tomorrow ... tomorrow was finally today._

So there they stood together –_ their hands touching, their souls reunited, their minds open, their desires aligned ... their hearts mended and finally whole – as the energy of them filled them up_ – and they finally came to realize their perfect timing.

**Chapter 12 to follow.**


	23. Chapter 12, Eyes Wider than Before, P1

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al. **

**Author's Note: So … you made it to the midpoint of the story – the song inspiration is the fic's namesake …hmm, like I mentioned at the beginning of this story, this song from Scott Matthews' is just … amazing … and if you haven't taken a couple minutes to find it … you're missing out. **

**The story format reverts back to my more traditional style now that Meredith and Derek are reunited. Enjoy … and please comment!**

**Chapter 12 – Eyes Wider than Before**

Lyrics for Scott Matthews' "Eyes Wider than Before":

Oh Lord, a distant beam of light  
The jab of neon floods my weary eyes  
It illuminates my soul, is on fire  
I'm heading your way with the traffic on my side

Remember how it was before  
Just a minute away, I'll be knocking on your front door  
Don't underestimate this precious time  
Every second is treated as though there is no time

Your eyes are wider than before  
So little has changed  
But your eyes now see much more

Hush, now sway and fall asleep  
Gonna drive you away from the trampling of bustling feet  
You can lose your troubled thoughts for tonight at least  
You can wake in the morning, feeling that you can breathe

Little darling, you're mine for tonight  
Your mellow and tender soul is hard to find  
From you I draw no doubts deep inside  
I surrender myself to your presence and peace of mind

Your eyes are wider than before  
So little has changed but your eyes now see much more  
So much more, so, so much more  
So much more so much more

**Chapter 12 – Eyes Wider than Before – Part 1 of 4**

_So there they stood together__ – their hands touching, their souls reunited, their minds open, their desires aligned, their hearts mended and finally whole – as the energy of them filled them up – finally coming to realize their perfect timing just like Meredith planned for them to do and just like Derek dreamed they would._

"Meredith," he whispered again, a smile spreading across his face as he spoke.

His voice filled the space all around them, her heart reacting – _flutter, flutter, flutter_ – his hands warm and inviting, the aura of them rich and untainted. The waves crashed in the distance, intermittent, woven into the natural backdrop of this beyond surreal moment.

"Derek," she whispered, leaning forward slightly as she spoke. She reached up and placed a hand on his face against his cheek, his skin rough to the touch, but oh so familiar, his heart trembled as he held her other hand with her letter, unwilling to let go. "You're really here," she said softly.

"I really am," he whispered, pulling on her hand a little bit – _bringing her toward him, his ache for her almost satisfied_ – obliterating the small distance between them and testing her natural inclination for him all at the same time. "Come here," he said, folding her into his arms like it was the most natural thing in the world for him to do.

_Meredith rested her head against his chest over his heart – boom-boom, boom-boom – she breathed him in, allowing herself to feel the familiarity and proximity of him and only then did she fall into him. Tears welled up and having no place to go, they crashed down over her cheeks like waves onto the shore._

"Okay," Derek whispered. "I have you, I'm here, I'm here," he soothed, his hot breath fanning her head through her wild hair, his heart clenching as she broke down, finally allowing herself to relax.

They held each other for a long time then, one hand running through her hair, the other at her lower back holding her close, her arms encircling his waist, her letter in her hand still. The world fell away, even the magical garden, even the warm crystal blue ocean that surrounded them – _they were alone, unfettered by time, the sense of urgency gone_ – for nothing else mattered because they had survived.

"_Remember how it was before."_

"Meredith," Derek whispered into her hair, her skin smelled sweeter now than he ever remembered, her essence was a new, even more intoxicating mix, one of mystery and intrigue – _familiar wisps of lavender mixed with something more organic, more indigenous to the islands_ –it was completely inviting and fresh and new and exciting. Meredith swayed in his arms slightly and then peeked up. "Hi," he said softly, his eyes moving around hers, a small smile still etched across his handsome face.

"Hi," she whispered, Derek moved his hands up, running his fingers lightly around her face now. She smiled under his touch.

"There's so much I need to say," he whispered. "_Sorry_ doesn't come close," he whispered, his voice catching, his eyes wet, his hands in her hair now, flanking her skull.

"I know, I know … we have time," she soothed, her eyes still wet. "I … I want to say things too," she whispered, her eyes never leaving his, smiling as she did, silently telling him not to worry.

"Meredith, why are we here in Darwin?" he asked softly, watching as her _eyes became wide_, he turned his head trying to read the surprise in them. "I mean … well, _Richard told me you were on Bali somewhere_ and I asked Mark to call someone we knew in med school for more information, a humanitarian doctor … and at any rate, I was supposed to leave for Bali the day your mother came in and – "

"Derek, wait …," Meredith interrupted, confusion crossing her face. "You were coming … but you didn't know where to go …," she sighed, her serious eyes locked with his.

_He asked __Mark__ for help? __Mark Fucking Sloan__ for Christ's sake! He must have really wanted to find … her._

"I didn't _need_ to know Meredith," he sighed, still holding her head, he moved his fingers through her tresses. "I just had to come … I just needed to see you, to tell you …," he whispered, his eyes locked on her evergreen gateways now. "I have so much to say … I was gonna come first and find you once I got there," he said breathlessly.

"I ...wow," she breathed, moving her hands up to his face, she needed to tell him – _and now_ – now was the time. "I …," Meredith sighed and smiled gathering her courage and as she did she caught a glimpse of her letter in her hand.

She smiled and pulled back a bit and held it between them, her eyes shining as she peeked up to Derek once more. She turned it over, but her heart raged in her chest now – _for her letter … __it was unopened, sealed, locked down, just how she left it with Alex_ – and yet, he stood here with her.

_She was mystified._

Her heart began to bang around in her chest with more fervor now. She reached up and placed one of her hands over her muscle, the other still on the letter. Derek moved his hand down to the letter, his cherished piece of Meredith. _Her heart. _He ran his fingers over his name – _back and forth_ – and as he went, Meredith leaned into him once more.

"_It illuminates my soul, is on fire."_

"You never opened it," she said, slow and even, trying her best to quell her racing heart. "But you're here … anyway," she said softly, still in shock.

Derek looked up to Meredith. "I am … I couldn't open it," he sighed, a warm breeze moved across the lawn now, pushing against them as it went. "I just … I didn't want it to be over, I didn't want us to end – _even though I walked away_ – I still wanted you and then _Cristina said you were surviving_ and I thought," he sighed, catching her eyes with his. "I thought maybe I could too – _maybe I could become that guy you fell in love with_ – if I just fixed myself up a bit and moved on from all the crap in my life," he said, his voice hoarse with emotion now.

"So … you started to build a log cabin?" Meredith asked; a sheepish grin crossed over her face. Derek smiled and squeezed her hand, not at all surprised that she knew about the cabin. "And you healed yourself … but you never opened this letter …," she made her accounting out loud.

"The cabin, it's … amazing," he breathed, a sense of peace filled him. He found Meredith's eyes and smiled, pulling her into him a little more. "And no, I never opened your letter – _I didn't want to read your good-bye_ – I couldn't … _and I think you should have it back now because_ ...," he said quickly, smiling now, he took a deep breath. "I want you, Meredith," he said, pulling her closer. "And I'll do whatever it takes – _and I won't walk away from you_ – because I'm in this, no matter what happens," he said, moving his hands up to caress her face again.

"No matter what happens …?" she asked, her voice nothing but a whisper as she turned out of his arms and took a couple steps toward the boundary trees.

"Yes," he whispered as he watched her walk off. "Meredith?" Derek called after her, alarm laced his voice as he followed her, coming to stand in back of her, instinctually resting his hands on her shoulders.

"Oh God, you're here, but you never opened this," she said, her voice barely there, even and quiet now.

Keeping her eyes trained on the low tide waves of the ocean, she tried to slow her heartbeat down to match their tiny rumbles, more easily heard now. She leaned back into Derek, _he was really here._ She took a deep breath, _no matter what happens._

"Talk to me … please, _I know you don't trust me_, with good reason," he sighed. "But I'm here now and I'm not going anywhere, I promise," he whispered, his breath breezing across her shoulder, fighting with the ocean wind now. "Tell me what you're thinking," he pleaded.

She turned around suddenly then – _her eyes wide_ – but steady. She held his gaze as he pressed his lips together, his heart racing now as he anticipated her words. "I _think_ ... you need to read this Derek," she replied. "Lets sit, okay?" she asked, heading to the bench now.

Derek followed her; she sat down and moved her hat to the grass. He sat down, his shoulder touching hers. The ocean, their viewpoint, the light wind – _the energy of them_ – the magic of the garden was all around them now as Meredith handed her letter back to Derek. "Meredith," he sighed, shaking his head, finding it hard to open the letter after all the time of holding himself back.

Meredith smiled, hoping to calm him without words. "Trust me, Derek," she sighed. "This belongs to you …," she whispered. "As much as it belongs to me," she added, her voice catching, tears clouded her vision; he became blurred around the edges. "So lets open it, okay?" she asked finally.

Derek turned into her slightly; Meredith rested her hand on his thigh. He opened the letter, handing the envelope to her. He unfolded it and began to read, his eyes tearing up almost instantly as her voice filled his mind. _Meredith placed her arm around Derek's shoulder now as he became lost in her words, her confessions … her letter of love. _He felt her warm lips brush against his temple, glancing up, he found her wet eyes – _but she only smiled and stood__, she wouldn't be able to watch him read her words_ – her hand on his shoulder, she squeezed him there and turned to walk through the trees toward the beach. She would wait for him out there … he turned back to the letter.

***

_Dearest Derek,_

_I've stared at this blank note card for an hour already just trying to formulate the perfect combination of words to write, and maybe in a perfect world there would be perfect words. But we both know the world is far from perfect, for it can be unkind and even cruel at times. As I sit here, my head is full with a range of conflicting thoughts … and I so desperately need relief from the world's imperfections._

_I need clarity, I need more ... I just need._

_So as terrifying as it seems for me to be this vulnerable in front of you (even in this letter), I think I need to write to you from this very small piece myself ... this imperfection of my own ... the piece of my heart that resides next to my soul, that piece of me that belongs irrevocably to you. The things I need to put into words for you come right from this special imperfect place, so here we go:_

_I love you Derek Shepherd, with all my heart, especially that small imperfect part._

_I can say that out of pure and simple love now … and not out of desperation in a scrub room, and not because I fear Addison is the better choice for you, but because I know she's not … and I am._

_I'm not just a girl in a bar anymore, I'm a woman who got to know you and fell in love with you ... the broken you._

_I have only loved one man in my life and find myself hard-pressed to believe I will love another like I have loved you._

_I know you love me._

_What I don't know is why you're afraid to give yourself to me ... freely._

_Could it be that you're still hiding your pain? Even from me, the woman you've loved for … ever?_

_We hurt each other out of fear (you) and self-loathing (me)._

_We can love all we want, but until we trust ourselves and one another – we can never be – we would never last, and I so badly want us to, my love._

_And so now I'm tying it off Derek … sealing this envelope with that small piece of me, your piece … inside. And I'm hoping you'll keep it safe and warm for me until we meet again. And perhaps more than anything else in this world, I hope it won't be an eternity before you give it back to me._

_It is likely that I will be gone by the time you receive this note. And the thing is, as I sit here right now, I'm not entirely convinced this is the right move for me at all. But considering my options, I almost have no other choice. I have no choice because I am in survival mode here and everything that has happened between us since we met – especially the other night at the Prom – is consuming me. And I love you too much to stay and watch you live your life in this imperfect world without me ... I just can't._

_Like I said, I need more ... from me, from you. I need a sign, a signal – a miracle – something to tell me we are meant to be. And I need to be in some kind of other place while we're apart._

_You can see it clearly now, can't you Derek?_

_I can't just stay and watch, because I've already done that._

_I can't just say I love you, because I've already done that too._

_The only thing I can do is move and grow and heal and hope you do that too and maybe one day we won't be bruised and broken, we won't be tending to old wounds ... and our eyes will be wider so we'll be able to see beyond our past … and maybe we'll be ready and free to love and cherish each other how we deserve to be in this very imperfect world in which we live._

_See that? I'm the same old me, the Meredith you love ... it seems the masochist in me believes there's still some kind of miracle of hope left for us._

_I'll see you when I see you (I really can't stand good-byes)._

_Love,_

_Meredith_

***

Derek wiped his tears from his face. He stared at the letter and ran his fingertips over Meredith's name for a beat before he looked up and found her floating in a homemade sea of the wild ocean and her dress as they moved around her in the wind.

He stood on his rubber band legs and paused for another moment – _his head spinning, his heart on fire_ – his eyes still wet. He watched with interest as she paced into the tepid water – _blue water, bright white sand, rosy-cheeked Meredith_ – she raised her dress up as she went, before she turned and walked along the shore, twisting the envelope in her hands, pacing, waiting … anticipating. Derek folded the letter, pushed it in his back pocket and walked through the trees.

"_From you I draw no doubts deep inside."_

Once on the beach, the sun was scalding, it pushed down on Derek as he made his way to the shore. Meredith turned and saw him. All he could hear was the thunder of his heartbeat and the faint rumble of the low-tide waves crashing along the shoreline, the white sandy beach while endless and beautiful was no match for Meredith. He took a couple more steps and she walked out of the water and straight up to him, his hands found her face.

"I love you," he whispered, his gaze locked on hers. "I have hope for us too," he whispered, his fingertips brushing through her wild hair. "I ached for you Meredith … I … love you," he said, barely audible now, his eyes wet, her hands on his chest. "I'll never stop telling you that … and I can _say_ it and _give_ it freely now," he smiled.

"I can too," she said, her smile reaching all the way up to her wet eyes. "I love you … so much … more than I thought I was capable of, you should know that," she said, her voice shaky, but he knew she meant it. He smiled.

"Hmm," Derek sighed, shaking his head. "I did close my old wounds, you know … I tied them off," he sighed. "But I … I couldn't become whole, not without you," he breathed, her eyes softened. "And neither are you, without me," he said, turning his head, he squinted to see her reaction, her eyes were still wet, but she looked happy.

"Hmm, you survived," she mused, a small sparkle flashed across her eyes.

"I survived … that's true, but …," he said, his voice trailing off. Meredith stepped closer, her heart also on fire, her mind working at the speed of sound now. "But I want to do more than that," he said, his voice stronger.

"You want more," she whispered, her mind connected with the baby, she smiled.

"I do … I want to live with you and grow old with you ... I don't want to just _survive_," he said softly, his mind moving over Richard and Ellis now. "I want forever with you and I won't take anything less – _if you want that too_ – I want it with you," he said, his words ringing out for all to hear now, a small tear escaped from his eye just then, he let it be.

_Meredith reached up and brushed that tear away, she smiled. She wanted to tell him about their miracle – she wanted to blurt it out right now – but she also wanted to hold him first, she wanted to somehow get lost in him, for his words were exactly what she wanted to hear – but she craved more than that somehow – it wasn't a physical thing, it was even more than that – she wanted to get lost in him – in the aura of 'them'. She never moved her eyes away from his gateways as her mind absorbed everything she was feeling. Derek took the envelope from her and reached around, slipping it into his back pocket, Meredith smiled._

"I have no words right now… only my love for you," she sighed, pressing her lips together. "Everything I ever wanted to say to you … is yours now too," she whispered, inching closer now. "This feels like a dream," she said softly, carried away by the power of them.

"But it's not," Derek whispered, leaning into her a bit.

"Kiss me," she ordered gently, smiling as she leaned in. "Then I'll know its all real," she said. "Your kisses will make it real," she added before Derek closed his mouth over hers.

_And then just like that, their souls were connected, found … as if no time had passed. Their hearts were in sync once again, their arms wrapped around each other – their kiss was a life-giving kiss – it was long and easy and hard and soft and passionate and loving and all-consuming, much like their kisses had always been._

_Derek pumped his lips over Meredith's again and again and again now, his heart clamored in his chest as he breathed in her sweet essence. He let himself become lost and found, for the dream had been realized and he had made it – to this island garden in the middle of the ocean – back to the love of his life ... his arms around her once again, oh yes, this was much more than surviving! Meredith hummed into his mouth as Derek pulled her to him, his hands resting on her hips for a beat before he moved them up and down her back, finally coming to submerse his fingers in her wild tresses again._

_The air was hot, stifling, but Meredith couldn't tear herself away from his kisses, her legs felt like rubber bands now, but she wouldn't have moved from this moment in time for … anything. She only opened her mouth to his, feeling his tongue sweep against hers – causing a pulse of their energy to rip up and down her spine – centralizing on her core as an entry point. Oh God, she could never get enough of this man ... she wanted him forever, how had she lived without him?_

_So overcome by the moment, she was suddenly dizzy, but she only held him closer, her buoy, her lover. The baby crossed over her mind and she pulled away abruptly – searching his eyes, looking for the moment of truth, but knowing she needed to get out of the hot sun, it was enough for this moment to know they had survived – she leaned in to kiss him once more._

"Lets go inside," she whispered into his mouth. "I'm too hot," she said, her face flushed, her skin red hot now and she knew it wasn't at all from the sun.

"I'd like that," he said, leaning down to kiss her once more. "And you're right," he mused, a small smirk etched into his handsome face, the sparkle in his eyes she hadn't seen in a long time, returning now. "You _are_ hot," he laughed, taking her hand in his and Meredith could only smile, after all he _was_ flirting with her.

And so it was then that the reunited lovers walked up the beach on their rubber band legs, hand in hand through the white sand, their backs to the blue ocean now as they walked through the boundary trees and onto the manicured lawn, stopping long enough to grab Meredith's sun hat, where she slipped her flip flops on. They proceeded through the garden paradise on the island in the middle of nowhere toward the hotel now, Derek effortlessly swept his bags up and over his shoulder, before they walked through the French doors and out of that garden to start living … again.

"_So little has changed ... but your eyes now see much more."_

**Chapter 12 – Eyes Wider than Before – Part 2 of 4 to follow.**


	24. Chapter 12, Eyes Wider than Before, P2

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al. **

**Author's Note: Thanks for reading, I do so appreciate your thoughts, let me know how I'm doing here, it would mean a lot.**

**Chapter 12 – Eyes Wider than Before – Part 2 of 4**

Once inside, they walked down the hallway, Meredith relished in the cool temperature of the air against her heat-stroked skin. It was darker too, she glanced at Derek, he looked tired now – _the adrenaline dissipating; only the man remained_ – and she could tell he was completely worn from his journey.

Derek was in an absolute daze as they passed the rotunda, the area underneath even brighter now as the afternoon sun was directly overhead. He held Meredith's hand in his as if no time had passed; he moved his thumb over the fleshy part there, just above her thumb. she moved closer to him as they walked, completely drawn by his proximity.

"I made a reservation here," he said carefully when they entered the main lobby and continued to walk toward the guest services desk, but stopped when Meredith tugged on his hand from her spot a step behind him.

"Wait!" she croaked out, he turned around to face her. "Derek," she sighed, her eyes searching, her heart on fire. He moved closer, mesmerized by her beauty still. "You don't need it," she said softly, heat flushing her already hot cheeks.

"Are you sure?" he asked, taking her other hand in his now.

"Stay with me," she assured, taking her hand from his, she moved it to rest along the familiar plane of his cheek, her heart trembling like a leaf about to fall now. Derek stepped closer.

"I didn't want to assume," he said, his tone hushed, emotion from the day lodged itself in his throat.

"We'll be fine Derek," she soothed, reaching up, she kissed his cheek. "Come," she said, turning toward the elevators without hesitation.

"_Remember how it was before."_

***

About fifteen minutes later Meredith was pacing – _truly, madly pacing in a loop_ – a continuous circuit around the plush earth-toned suite she had leased high above that garden paradise in the middle of nowhere. As she moved, her tired feet sank into the sand-colored plush carpeting as she went – _her mind rolling over a collection of conflicting thoughts running their own circuit_ – most notably … their miracle and how to tell Derek about it. True to form, she was avoiding – _right up to the very last minute_ – and took every opportunity now to distract herself from the task at hand, right down to evaluating the interior designer's choices for the said _earthy tones_ of her well-decorated suite; which, she had to admit was very inviting and soothing with its clean lines and marble countertops, adjustable flood lights and decadent plush carpeting.

_She crossed the room now, on her third or fourth circuit from living room, stepping quickly in and out of the small bar-kitchen area and then down and around to the master suite, only to make a mental note of the sounds coming from the bathroom – the bathroom Derek was currently using, the bathroom he was most likely naked in … about to shower in, Derek … showering, just a piece of wood between them now – oh God, move on, she thought as she exited the room to start yet another circuit._

_Damn it!_

_How did this happen? How did she become this woman, no different than a caged animal, on full alert now, hungry and ready to pounce – their miracle eating her alive from the inside out – with naked, porny visions of said miracle's daddy floating in her mind._

_Damn it!_

_Meredith stood still for a moment and found her hands on her belly, she could just walk in there and blurt it out, surely the door wasn't locked! Heat pricked her skin on that thought, leaving a dewy sheen in its wake._

_Damn it!_

She turned away from the door instead, took a deep breath and walked down the small hallway. She entered the living room again – _a blast from the overhead air conditioning vent cooled her down, she relished in the feeling of the cold recycled air and briefly wondered if that made her a traitor to the villagers on Bali_ – she pondered that idea as she headed to the solace of the deep leather lounge chair near the sliding glass doors …_ a traitor once again as she sat down on the more than comfortable oversized chair_. She sighed and put her hands on her knees, bracing herself through a spell of nausea (one that had nothing to do with pregnancy and everything to do with avoidance).

_Slow, deep breaths, she silently counseled herself now._

She looked up and spied the large bowl of ripened mangos on the side table – _a mango could do the trick _– she thought wryly. She smiled and stood to get a knife from the kitchen, but bypassed the room in favor of running the circuit again. _She made a silent bet: if the shower was on, she would keep walking; if it was off … she would knock and blurt it out._ Her stomach pinched with gaseous pains as she walked … all she had to do was knock and blurt it out.

_I'm pregnant._

_Do you want us the way we want you?_

_Will you raise this baby with me?_

_Will you be ours … forever?_

It was simple really – _knock and blurt_ – how hard could it be? Meredith rounded the corner and was relieved to hear the water still running – _and it seemed so was she … running scared, running in circles_ – she found the irony now … she _left _Seattle, she didn't run – _she left to survive and she did_ – then she fell in love with Derek all over again (before she even knew about the baby) – _only to feel so suffocated by her circumstances and her fear of abandonment_ – that she was actually … _running now!_

_Damn it!_

_Then of course there was the voice of reason – he wants you, he came here for you, it will all be fine – just surrender already, she silently chastised herself._

She turned her back on the master suite and returned to the living room, stopping to pick up that knife; maybe a slice of _fresh fleshy mango_ would quell her nausea. A shiver coursed over her body as she crossed the room to the small table next to the sliding glass doors. She stopped and put the knife down, briefly looking out through the window, her heart was racing, her nerves, shot. She grabbed one of the mangos and brought it up to her nose, she took a deep breath – _the essence of the sweet fruit filled her nostrils_ – calming her straight away.

"You can do this," she coached herself out loud now.

She lay the fruit down on the table, but turned away in favor of running the circuit again. She had to get a grip, she needed to – _she wanted to be calm and serene and full of all the peace and love she felt for this baby when she told Derek _– she didn't want to feel like the wrecking ball that consumed her at the moment. She walked to the bar and grabbed a fresh bottle of water; she opened it and took a long sip, her hand resting along her belly as she did. She turned then and caught a glimpse of herself in the long mirror on the back of the main door to the suite. She put the bottle down and moved to stand in front of the mirror.

"_Don't underestimate this precious time."_

Once there, she turned to scrutinize her side profile. She didn't look pregnant – _not at all, actually_ – which was normal for most women at this stage of pregnancy. But she _felt_ different – _even more so since yesterday_ – she finally _felt_ pregnant. Her breasts were tender; she reached up and moved her hand gently across them now, more sensitive to the touch, perhaps a little fuller, as was her face – _but other than that_ – she looked like herself. She rested her hands low along her belly and rubbed – _soothing circles now_ – around and around. After a moment, she smiled, feeling connected, calmer. _She could do this – tell Derek, he would want them, she was just freaking – she just had to get it out. _She turned to head back the bedroom, feeling centered and ready, but her phone rang out, offering a welcome escape from the relentless turmoil that had become her life in the last few minutes.

_She peeked down the hallway and swiped her cell phone from the bar. She looked down to the LCD – it was Peter – oh God, her stomach sank. She snapped the phone open with one hand, the other flying to her belly as she answered the line._

"Peter," she said, her voice hitched.

"_Meredith,"_ he said into the line. She walked to the sliding doors and stepped outside, closing the door behind her without looking back.

"Is everything alright?" she asked, her stomach pinched with worry again. "Did something come back in my labs?" she asked desperately into the line, heat pricked her skin and it wasn't from the hot fresh air.

"_Oh no, everything's fine,"_ he reassured quickly. _"You have no need to worry, everything came back in perfect order,"_ he added cheerfully.

"Oh," she sighed with relief. "Oh good," she whispered. A hot breeze moved over the balcony and slammed into Meredith; she closed her eyes and let it move over her, thanking God as it went. "So … what's up?" she asked.

"_Well, it's this small world we live in – it seems you and I were destined to meet Meredith Grey – it was in the cards,"_ he said, amusement laced in his voice.

"Is that so?" she asked with a smile.

"_It seems so,"_ he replied. _"So … tell me, did your chap Derek ever show up then?"_ he asked.

"Oh …," she stuttered now, trying to work through some mental acrobatics … did she ever give Peter Derek's name?

"_And no, you never gave me his name,"_ he cackled into the line.

"Oh …," she said at the risk of sounding like a broken record. "Then … how did you know …," she asked, her voice trailed off with uncertainty.

"_We went to med school together! I can't get over it! Of all the people, can you believe it?"_ he asked incredulously.

"Oh my …," was all she could get out.

"_I know; can you believe it?" _he asked again. _"Our old buddy Mark Sloan called me days ago, said he was looking for someone. I called him back just now, I almost shit my pants when he said your name!"_ he exclaimed. Meredith's head was swimming; it was all too much all of a sudden.

_Too much. Her heart pounded against her chest. It was all she could hear above the wind now. She looked out over the ocean, slow, deep breaths, she coached herself._

"Wow … that's … it is a small world … small world," was all she could get out, barely above a whisper, the wind barreling through the balcony, only heating her flushed skin again. Meredith was more than preoccupied now, treading water at best.

"_Meredith, are you okay?"_ Peter asked; his concern evident.

"No," she answered truthfully. "I'm not okay … alright, I'm not, because Derek's here and he's fine and he's – _clueless and happy because I haven't clued him in yet_ – because I'm stuck," she rambled on. "I'm stuck … I'm vacillating here, no different than the wind," she said, defeated.

"_Oh well, he wants you – that's obvious – he was looking for you,"_ Peter counseled.

"I know, I'm just –"

"_Look, Meredith_ – _you'll never know unless you say something_ _– just say something and you'll feel better … or, I know … just blurt it out," _Peter advised, evenly.

"I can't," she said, turning to look at her reflection in the darkened glass – _she looked blurred, lacking definition_ – much like her predicament at the moment. "My heart tells me he would do right by this baby but … I'm still petrified," she said softly.

"_Can you hold on a second, Meredith?" _Peter asked.

"Sure," she said, turning away from the window.

_Meredith looked out then, the bright blue sky within reach. She held on to the balcony railing and looked down, down, down to that peaceful garden and then gazed out into the open water of the Indian Ocean, she let herself become lost for a moment in that deep blue color, so reminiscent of Derek's gateways. Oh God … how would she survive if Derek wasn't ready for this– hell, __she__ wasn't ready for this – not until it materialized in her belly! She sighed, keeping the phone pressed to her ear now. She heard some muffled voices and then silence and then more voices. Meredith took a deep breath of the salty air into her lungs, she pressed it down, she turned around and let the sun drop along her back, warming her like a hug now. She closed her eyes briefly before Peter's voice funneled into her ear again._

"_Okay, Larissa, my wife, had a smashing idea,"_ he said excitedly. _"What do you think of coming here?"_ he asked.

"Oh well … ah, what?" Meredith asked, confusion building now.

"_She's right on. We've just got this new four dimensional ultrasound computer and have been dreaming about using it all day – it was a gift, from my elitist parents, you remember them right – can you believe it, of course you can,"_ he laughed without taking a break. _"But seriously, you both could come, you'll disappear with Larissa … she'll hook you up and then you can … you know … __show__ him,"_ he said conspiratorially.

"Oh God, my stomach hurts, _actually hurts_ … why am I such a wuss?" she admonished herself.

"_Come on, what are friends for, we can be there for you," _he said softly._ "I know Derek will be fine, but – you know sometimes seeing is believing – he'll want this baby with you … what's not to want, huh?" _he mused._ "Deep down you know that … and this will be fun …come over," _Peter encouraged.

"You really think so?" she asked, feeling marginally better about the idea, after all with someone there to push her along, she wouldn't be able to chicken out – _Peter would_ _force her to the point of no return_ – plus her own intrigue in seeing the baby was more than immense at this point, all told it may just be the perfect combination.

"_It's a grand idea; leave it up to my brilliant wife! We close here in a half hour … why not come one hour from now, okay?"_ he asked.

"Sounds perfect," Meredith said directly. "See you then," she said softly.

She snapped the phone shut. She could do this – _and now she had to_ – it would all be over in a couple of hours, Derek would know and then she could deal with the fallout if there was any. She just really needed some reassurance that he was serious about her – _those old feelings of abandonment were creeping in and so far she had done a great job at avoiding them_ – except that she wasn't the only one she had to look out for now – _for the first time in her life, Meredith had someone_ – someone who counted on her and she would be damned if this little miracle would ever have to suffer like she did. And that was the crux of her hesitation – _she wanted a fucking crystal ball_ – and there wasn't one, all she had was her faith, her faith in Derek – _that he wasn't capable of walking away from his flesh and blood_ – and by God she really wanted to trust that faith. She really did.

"_So little has changed."_

She turned away from the ocean and opened the sliding doors. She peeked inside, allowing her eyes to adjust to the darkened rooms; all was silent – _and freezing_ – compared with the air outside. When she didn't hear anything, she closed the door and stayed put. She opened the phone again and entered the pass codes for the voicemail thingy. Thinking maybe some news from home would keep her mind occupied, at least for the next few minutes. She had one new message; it was from Alex, his voice, familiar and soothing now.

"_Hey Meredith. It's me. Well, I … the Neptune Society delivered your mother's ashes to Bailey this morning. I wasn't sure what to do with them … I mean, where to put them. Izzie thought on the shelf in your closet … so … that's where she is. If you want us to do something else with them, leave a message or … just call. Okay … things are alright here, Izzie seems better, she's working again, which I'm sure you know. She has bad nightmares about Denny and the night he died … most nights she ends up in my bed, but you know, nothing happens … I just think she needs someone and you don't have to tell her this or anything, but I'm kinda glad it's me. She gave all her inheritance money to Bailey for this free clinic and I'm proud of her for that, you know … the two of us could have used a clinic like that when we were growing up, so … yeah. Alright and ah … so I know Shepherd took off to meet you and I think he's different or ah I don't know, I shouldn't be hypothesizing I mean, what the fuck do I really know, you know? Except for what I do I know … I actually heard that he took a leave of absence, Meredith …rumor has it that he also pulled himself out of the race for Chief of Surgery … something Webber got his panties all tied in a Windsor knot about … anyway, the hospital Board decided they couldn't hold his job for him … and he left anyway … so … I mean, Meredith … he bolted on his life to get to you, which Izzie says is ... HUGE … but, ah, what I wanna know is, how do you feel about all of that? Okay, well, call this thing; let us know what's up. Later."_

Meredith moved the phone down from her ear – _how did she feel about all of that _– the sun was stifling all of a sudden … and she was more than stunned – _that's how she felt about all of that_ –Alex's words on in instant replay in her head – _running a circuit_ – much like she had been doing all afternoon, would there be no end to this? To the shock and surprise of it all?

_Derek took a leave of absence._

_For her._

_He left his job._

_For her._

_He took himself out of the race for Chief of Surgery – Chief of Fucking Surgery – the brass ring, the pinnacle, the zenith!_

_For her._

_It was too much!_

She began to pace on the small balcony now, the sky and ocean all around her as her wide eyes darted every which way – _the sun hot, stifling, suffocating_ – heat smoldering from the inside out now. Her hands flew to her belly, _we'll be fine, this is all gonna be fine,_ she silently soothed her little one. _She paced, her mind moving, roving, roaming!_ Her heart raged in her chest now – _he left it all for her_ – what was he thinking? More than likely he could get his position back, but never in a million years would she thought he would have given up the chance to be Chief of Surgery for her, nor would she have wanted him to!

_She wanted Derek to have everything he ever wanted!_

_She wanted him to be happy and now she felt uncomfortable being the catalyst for his fleeing his dreams the way he did._

_For if she never left … they might have been together and happy already, he would have known about the baby and he wouldn't have missed this opportunity._

_Damn it!_

_She turned abruptly, dropping her phone as she did. She steadied herself, grasping the railing now, she reached down to get the phone and felt a tidal wave nausea rise into her throat. She quickly swiped the phone up and stood, the world spun around and around and around. She reeled herself around and grasped the railing with both hands._

_How on earth was she gonna do this?_

_How could she make this right?_

_How was she ever gonna be enough?_

_And there it was, the circumstance that would always come back to bite her in the ass. For it was __that__ question … the one that had plagued her for a long while now: was she enough? Because when push came to shove, when Derek had to make that choice all those months ago – her or Addison – Meredith just wasn't enough, their love was not enough when she asked him to … pick her or choose her … or even love her._

_And now … she had to wonder, would this miracle baby ever be enough?_

_Tears pricked her eyes and Meredith felt nothing but pangs of regret now, her old painful feelings – her lonesome love for a man who couldn't love her back was still there – ever-present, all consuming, haunting her like no time had passed. If she closed her eyes, she could have almost been back in Seattle, late at night, all alone in the painful solace of her space – the whiff of Derek's ghost there too – the whiff of the man she loved whole-heartedly reminding her over and over and over again of what could never, ever be._

_Damn it!_

_She watched the horizon now – the perfect blue sky, the endless sparkling ocean melded together – she turned her attention, moving her eyes down to the garden paradise and watched as it became blurred by her thick tears, and she persevered – made her herself watch as the magical garden disappeared before her eyes – and she let it go without a fight._

_She heard the door behind her slide open, she flinched._

***

After a shower and a much needed shave, Derek felt like a new man. He stepped out from the bathroom; the colder air attacked him as he quickly stored his soiled clothing. His walked down the hallway without hesitation now – _just wanting to get back to Meredith, he still carried the small ache of her with him and now, he just wanted to relish in their proximity _– he wanted to bask in their energy, he wanted to set things straight and finally there was no time like the present.

His eyes swept over the expansive living room of the suite upon his entry, but much to his surprise, Meredith was nowhere to be found. He walked through the room – _his gut wrenching for a split second_ – before he saw her out on the balcony, just a glimpse of her as she moved back and forth along the small balcony with the phone pressed to her ear.

_Her back to him, her dress and wild hair moving in the wind, melding together with his view of the horizon, the ocean, the sky and Meredith all together, all moving together … perfect synergies._

He walked up to the thick glass, he couldn't hear her and he thought to tap on the window, but something made him stop in his tracks – _the sweet smell, the new invigorating scent of Meredith filled his nostrils like sweet honey now_ – he looked to the left and there sat a large bowl of fresh mangos. He smiled, picking one up from the table. He kept his eyes trained outside while he brought the sweet fruit up to his nose … _yes, this was it._ He smiled and set the fruit down. He watched now as Meredith snapped the phone shut and began pacing with an intense worry etched over her whole being.

_He wanted to go out to her, but he didn't want to intrude, perhaps it was something with her mother, or … one of her friends. But then his heart plummeted and his eyes grew wide ... she could be having second thoughts about them. His heart sank and sadness overcame him – he hated to see her this way – it broke him, tore him up, for he was to blame. He moved, placing his hand on the door handle. He would just make her see; make her see how nothing had changed between them – but how everything had … changed – and for the better._

Whatever it was, it was tearing her up from the inside out _– and_ _he only wished he could soothe her_ _and__ that she would let him_ – that would be his only hope. He was as startled as she now as he saw her cell phone slip from her grasp. She stumbled forward to get it, grabbing her belly as she did; she looked like she was going to be sick. _Dear God, it hurt to watch her as she moved now, a tortured look on her face as she went! _She righted herself and came to stand with her back to him, her eyes out over that beautiful horizon. She put the phone down on a small table there and grasped both hands around the railing now – _steadying herself, her body still _– and quiet. Derek could tell she was in the middle of something _– that something had gotten a hold of her and wouldn't let go_ – and he only hoped she would trust him enough to let him help.

"_Your mellow and tender soul is hard to find."_

Derek watched for a second longer before he grabbed the door handle and pulled it to the side to open the door. He stepped out into the sunny afternoon, closed the door behind him, watching her flinch to the intrusion of sound as he did. The wind whipped up, slamming him in the face, pushing against him_ – but he only pushed back and approached her delicate form – _his heart in shambles now. Her dress moved all around her in the hot wind, her hair all over the place, the new essence of her_ – sweet lavender-infused mango – _swirled all around him now. He came to stand in back of her.

_He didn't dare touch her though, as much as he craved to, as much as he wanted to take whatever pain had crippled her and move it away – cast it out to sea – he wouldn't, not without an invitation from her._

"Derek," she whispered, her soft voice hung in the air all around them, meshing with her sweet essence, her knuckles, white from her grasp on the railing in front of her.

"I'm here," he whispered, stepping closer, feeling the heat of her body radiate onto his.

"I'm scared," she choked out, the wind pushing against her.

"What's troubling you?" he asked, scared out of his mind to hear her words.

"I want to be strong … but," she sighed, her voice dying in the wind; she removed her right hand from the railing, leaving it at her side.

"You're the strongest person I know," he assured. "And I'm so proud of you," he whispered, his voice snaking up his throat.

"You are?" she asked quietly, relaxing into the lull of their energy.

"I am," he sighed. "You changed our world … for the good," he said softly, he took a deep breath; her sweet essence filled him up. He smiled. "Will you try to trust me again?" he asked; his heart on fire, his tone, hushed. "Try to tell me how you feel," he said, daring to step closer now, he put his left hand on her shoulder.

_She leaned away from the railing and into him for a beat, swaying in the wind, he relished in their proximity and felt the energy of them consume him. She tensed up, a small sob escaping from her lips – she grappled with it, fighting hard – trying to keep it at bay. Damn it! He felt her struggle, he silently wept inside._

"You took a leave of absence?" she asked quietly, her body trembling as she spoke, nothing but vibrations between them now. "To come out here?" she pondered aloud.

He sighed. "Yes, I did," he said softly.

"The Board won't hold your position for you," she stated the fact, stifling a sob. His breath breezed across her shoulder, she shivered.

He sighed realizing she must have heard about his hasty departure. He moved closer to her, flush against her back now. "No," he whispered, she sighed.

"And your shot for Chief of Surgery?" she asked the open-ended question, one she already knew the answer to – _one that she wanted him to make a reality_ – for the both of them.

"Gone," he said softly, taking her right hand in his.

"I can't," she sighed. "Derek … I can't … be the reason for all of that," she cried, the horizon disappearing into her tears again.

"Oh, Meredith," he breathed, threading his fingers through hers. She held on tight. "You can … you _are_ …," he said, his voice, soft, reassuring, although his heart was ready to give out.

"How can you be sure?" she asked, leaning back, away from the railing now. "How do you know you won't be full of … regret later?" she persisted.

"That's easy," he mused softly. "I'd regret it if I didn't," he said into her ear, she heard the certainty in his voice. "And I'm done with that Meredith – _since I met you, I've lived a lifetime of regret with the decisions I made and the way I handled things between us_ – and … I don't want to live like that anymore," he whispered, he sighed in relief.

_All was silent for a beat, the lovers kept their eyes trained on the horizon, relishing in their proximity, in that magical energy of them. Meredith closed her eyes, the sun's heat pressing onto her chest, Derek's heat flanking her from behind. Suddenly she was encapsulated by her love for this man – she felt she could trust him and that she did … trust him – now if she could only trust herself too. Derek brought her closer to him then, pulling her back and into him ever so slightly, his breath breezing across her shoulder now._

"You've grown," she said wistfully, leaning into him completely, trusting him.

"I think so … I hope so," he chuckled. "I – _I want to earn your trust, I want to make you happy and I won't leave you again _– I meant what I said downstairs," he sighed. "I want forever with you, nothing less," he said firmly, his chin on her shoulder now. "If you believe nothing else … please believe that," he requested softly.

"I just want you to have everything you've ever dreamed of Derek," she sighed, pressing herself back and into him. _"Everything,"_ she whispered, her voice trembling slightly as she took his right hand and laid it across her abdomen, resting hers on top.

"Everything," he repeated. "That's all I want for you – _and your trust_ – but for now I'll start by trying to make your dreams come true," he whispered.

_Instinctually, Derek moved his left hand down and placed along her belly too and without hesitation, Meredith laid her left hand on top of his there. She fully relaxed into their embrace – relishing in Derek's hold on their miracle – while he pressed tiny wet kisses to her neck, uncontrolled heat pooled in her core._

_She closed her eyes – it was now or never – 'you can do this, you can do this', she chanted silently._

"Derek, will you come somewhere with me?" she whispered after a minute, her eyes closed, her mind still rolling over her silent prayers.

"You know I'd go to the end of the earth for you," he said softly. "Always will," he added, his lips brushing against her earlobe now as he took a deep breath of her sweet essence into his nostrils – _pressing it down, cherishing her_ – a chill ripping up and down his spine as he did.

"Hmm, that's good," she sighed, turning around to face him – _her eyes wide and no longer wet_ – her heart full of peace and calm and everything she wanted for the moment, his arms low around her back now. She took his skull in her hands and held him there, suspended in the moment. "Because there's someone I want you to meet," she said softly with a smile, her eyes never leaving the dreams locked within his endless blue gateways.

"_I surrender myself to your presence and peace of mind."_

**Chapter 12 – Eyes Wider than Before – Part 3 of 4 to follow.**


	25. Chapter 12, Eyes Wider than Before, P3

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al. **

**Author's Note: Thanks for the continued interest, please comment or drop me a line, it would mean a lot. Enjoy.**

**Chapter 12 – Eyes Wider than Before – Part 3 of 4**

Meredith held Derek's hand and navigated her way along the familiar route to Peter's clinic. Butterflies clamored away in her body as she thought about the prospect of showing Derek their miracle baby, _almost there little one,_ she coached now. She smiled and squeezed his hand – _this was more aligned with how she wanted to feel_ – centered, calm … blessed. She just had to get him there and clue him in on the bazaar circumstances of the small world in which they were living – _that her partner's best friend was the same humanitarian doctor who Derek went to med school with … and was now her de facto OB_ – wonders never ceased! Although Meredith was no longer shocked, after all this was _her_ life.

So for the moment she allowed herself to bask in the warmth of her happiness – _the energy of them_ – she held her once-lover's hand in hers and guided him toward a new path in their shared destiny … and she felt pretty good about that. After all, with everything she knew up until this point – _that Derek he wanted her and had hope for them_ – and that he wanted to be here with her, she should feel more balanced and she did. Now, if she could only rid herself of her own insecurities, her own inability to trust herself – _which was a concept she'd need to grow into – _and realize that maybe she really was enough for him … she might actually have a full circle moment. She sighed and smiled inwardly, supposing that for now it was enough to know that Derek was here with her and that he wanted to be.

_Meredith still had no idea what Derek's reaction would be to the news of their fighter-baby, but maybe Peter was right, maybe – seeing was believing – and maybe this was exactly what they both needed, for they both wanted a miracle … so maybe the time to realize that miracle had indeed arrived._

She smiled at the thought and peeked through her sunglasses, glancing at Derek's side profile – _marveling in the craziness of their lives_ – the twists and turns that put them right here, right now. She turned the corner and led him down the last bit of the street, the clinic located at the far end of an old cobblestone road, a magnificent park across the street; she took a deep breath of the fresh air in and felt rejuvenated, she squeezed Derek's hand.

"_So little has changed."_

Derek squeezed Meredith's hand in return and smiled, taking a sidelong glance at her as she led him around Darwin, realizing the quaint beauty of the small town Meredith had chosen for their reunion _– marveling at the perfect weather, the endless bright and sunny skies with no storms on the horizon_ – so drastically different that Seattle. Maybe they had turned the corner after all, Derek mused – _maybe they had bypassed the storms of their lives only to arrive here_ – on this bright and shiny island in the middle of nowhere. He wanted to ask her once more, why here and not on Bali – _but then he thought maybe he should just run with it_ – that maybe not all questions required immediate answers.

_After all he on a clear path to the unknown since he departed from Seattle, something Derek should be used to by now – the idea of the unknown – was very much a part of him, well, part of Derek Shepherd the neurosurgeon anyway, he mused. He took a deep breath of the fresh air in and pressed on – __following Meredith Grey__ – because he was destined to and without even trying, she had changed his life over and over and over again since they met – she changed his direction that night at Joe's, she changed his outlook, she changed the course of his life and reinvented his history as if she was meant to – unknowingly bringing him to meet his fate, his destiny – to the here and now – to the future that awaited… them._

An immediate future that included an elusive meeting with _'someone'_, Derek mused. But there again, Meredith was in the lead and he had no other desire but to follow her … to the end of the earth and beyond if that's what it took. She squeezed his hand and he turned to her, a broad smile on his face, she looked beautiful … radiant even.

"Where we're headed is just up on the left," Meredith said, turning her head up to meet Derek's eyes.

"It's lovely here," he sighed, taking in the lush green trees across the street. "I'm exhausted," he admitted out loud. "But somehow I feel rejuvenated," he chuckled.

"I know what you mean," she said as she came to a stop in front of a small brick building, she turned to him and put her sunglasses up. "It really is another world here," she mused, her heartbeat, regular, happy; Derek found a sparkle deep within her eyes. "Come on, I promise this will wake you right up," she smiled; a hint of mischief laced in her voice as she pulled the glass door open and stepped inside with Derek at her heels.

Once inside, they were blasted with the cooler conditioned air, Meredith shivered in response as they stepped onto a waiting elevator. She pressed their designated floor.

"Cold?" Derek asked, pulling her into him as the doors closed, using any chance of complete privacy to hold her.

"Not anymore," she giggled into his chest, her arms instinctually found his waist.

"God, I missed that," he breathed, holding her tighter, resting his chin on the top of her head, his heart pounding now. "Just hearing your laugh," he said quietly. "I'm sorry things became so complicated … so nasty and so …," he breathed, Meredith felt him sense up. "Unforgiveable," he whispered, shaking his head now he pulled back, insecurity radiating from his blue eyes, scanning hers ... _back and forth_.

"I know you are," she soothed, pressing her lips together. "I know," she said softly, reaching up, she put her finger over his warm lips. "But don't … don't dwell on it Derek," she said. "Lets try not to … lets both try to let it all go," she said softly, her mind on the future now. "I really want to try," she added, before leaning up and pressing her beautiful lips to his – _soft and quick_ – the old habit returning now.

"Me too," he said against her lips, cherishing her, breathing her in as he did.

"_Remember how it was before."_

They both smiled. The elevator doors opened and they crossed over the threshold together – _hearts and minds still open, both ready to let it all go … to simply try_ – as they walked down the well-lit hallway hand in hand. Meredith stopped halfway down in front of a set of double-paned glass doors, she peeked up to Derek and he smiled. She knocked – _a muted clanking noise vibrated across the glass doors_ – as he looked up and spotted the curious name on the placard … _"Darwin Women's Health Center – All Welcome, No-Fee Services Provided"._

More curious than ever now, Derek took Meredith's hand in his, her eyes met his and she smiled so brightly– _her face flushed, her skin glowing, her wild hair held back by her sunglasses_ – she blew him away with one blink of her long lashes. She giggled and Derek only smiled still, wordlessly looking for answers in her mysterious gateways … knowing he would have searched within her eyes forever if it hadn't been for click of the lock on the door next to them.

_Meredith turned to the door, Derek followed suit and was stunned to see the older, but very familiar face of one Peter Jackman! Holy shit was the world a small place!_

"How are you old chap?" Peter said excitedly, his eyes beaming as he ushered Derek and Meredith inside.

"Shocked!" Derek said; smiling from ear to ear as the two men eagerly shook hands, Derek's heart racing as he tried to put things together. "My God, how are you … you know, I just asked Sloan to call you …," he said, his eyes darting to Meredith, who could only giggle, and then back again to Peter, still smiling. "And now –"

"You're here," Peter said, his smile casual, his genuine happiness in seeing his old friend, evident. "I see you've found the person you were looking for too," he added, both men turned toward Meredith now, she smiled.

"Yes," Derek breathed, stepping closer to Meredith. "I did … I sure did," he muttered, his mind still working on overdrive.

"But not before Meredith found _me_," Peter cackled, making light of the obvious confusion on Derek's face.

"_Ah yes, and thankfully __not__ before I did,"_ came the sultry sing-song voice of … Larissa Jackman, all eyes turned to her now.

Meredith smiled as Larissa sashayed into the dimly lit waiting area and came to stand next to Peter. She smiled and Meredith thought she couldn't have imagined a more perfect looking woman for Peter Jackman, for Larissa was perhaps the most naturally stunning human being Meredith had ever seen – _she was far more statuesque than a super model with her blond flyaway tresses, pouty pink lips, flawless complexion and her perfect heart-shaped face … she was almost untouchable_ – yet something about her screamed of warmth and compassion and humor and simplicity. She wore a wraparound dress of a lovely coral shade with simple jade necklace, her never ending long legs and well-toned calves were accentuated by a pair of black sling back shoes. She was more than well put together but Meredith could tell she barely tried.

More telling than anything else though was the expression Larissa wore when she caught the glimpse of the sparkle deep within her husband's eyes – _it was one of pure adoration _– a look between them meant for just one another. Her electric-blue eyes scanned the room, falling on Meredith's last; she gave her a conspiratorial wink.

"Larissa, my peach," Peter cooed, his eyes smiling then. "Meet Meredith and Derek," he said, his arm outstretched.

"Meredith, Derek, what a pleasure," she said, her Australian accent beautiful to the ear. She offered her hand, tipping her long regal neck as she gave them each a warm, firm handshake. "I've heard so much about the both of you," she said softly.

"The pleasure is mine, really," Derek smiled.

"Mine too, it's nice to see you," Meredith smiled.

"This is a beautiful space you have here," Derek observed, absorbing the décor of his new surroundings. "And this is a _free _clinic?" he asked, somewhat mystified.

"Oh, well," Peter stepped forward and placed his hand on Derek's forearm. "You remember my parents …," he laughed and so did Derek.

"I remember how you like to shock and disappoint them," Derek grinned.

"Well, not much has changed then Derek," Larissa laughed. "Only now – _we get all the bells and whistles … pay back for lost time when they ignored my dear husband_ – not that I'm complaining, we have the best of everything here thanks to Peter's desire to _'shock and disappoint'_ them," she laughed conspiratorially, pinching Peter's arm.

"See it all worked out – _we're tough, we're survivors_ – isn't that right my sweet," Peter chuckled, moving to hold Larissa's hand in his.

"Seems there's a lot of that going around," Derek mused, his eyes falling on Meredith, his comment not lost on her. She smiled as he draped his arm around her shoulder, his fingers finding the ends of her tresses.

"Yes, there is," Meredith smiled, her eyes darting to meet Derek's for a split second before she turned slightly and was met with Larissa's gaze.

"So … how can I connect the dots here?" Derek asked the room at large.

_Meredith's eyes widened as Larissa smiled conspiratorially. Both women shrugged ever so slightly and Meredith giggled nervously, looking for an opportunity to escape the room._

"Ah Derek before we _bore_ you with those sordid details …," Larissa spoke up casually. "I'm sure you won't mind if I _steal_ Meredith away from you for a moment," she requested. "There's something I'd like to show her," she said, smiling as her eyes locked on his for a beat.

"Yeah, sure," Derek said, winking at Meredith.

"We won't be long _boys_," Larissa said as she turned away. "Peter darling, offer Derek a drink, he's had a long day," she said with an air of faux-dismissiveness that only made everyone chuckle.

Meredith shook her head and made to follow Larissa who had stopped at the edge of the hallway, making eye contact with both Derek and Peter before she fully turned away.

"Go ahead Meredith, she won't bite," Peter teased. "Well, at least she won't bite you!" he cackled like the devil. "Don't get into any trouble ladies," he laughed from his spot.

"We won't lover," Larissa sighed. "Trouble only follows you, remember?" she quipped before she disappeared around the corner with Meredith a couple steps behind her.

***

Meredith followed Larissa down the hallway, making note again of the beautiful art pieces while her heart rate picked up a bit at the prospect of all that was about to happen. She secretly wished Derek was with her, that she hadn't left him behind … _soon enough_, she supposed … _soon enough._ They entered one of the comfortable examination rooms along the corridor. Larissa turned to Meredith once they were inside, she had a mischievous grin plastered along her flawless face now.

_Meredith took in her surroundings now, feeling like she stepped over a threshold into another time and space … again, was she really this woman? She sighed, feeling relaxed by the soft earthy tones of the décor. The Aboriginal art added a dimension of coziness to the space that was refreshing and completely unexpected … all of which provided an air of easiness and seclusion to this otherwise clinical examination room._

"Here, why don't you put this on with the ties facing outward, you can leave your bra and panties on," Larissa said as she handed Meredith a deep brown terrycloth robe with multiple ties along the front. "Feel free to use the privacy screen if you want and I'll get this bad boy ready," she smiled widely.

"Thanks," Meredith said, her eyes adjusting to the dim lighting in the room. She blinked, outside of the late afternoon shadows dancing along the walls, there was only one other light source – _a_ _row of hidden fluorescents situated along the back wall_ – providing just enough light … optimal for ultrasound viewing. Meredith took a deep breath. "I really appreciate this idea Larissa," she said as she stepped behind the panels of the ecru Japanese privacy screen.

"My pleasure," Larissa answered. Meredith took her midnight blue dress off, hung it up on a hanger there and slipped the oversized robe on over her bra and panties of the same color. "You know …," she said and then paused. "I know your story – _I mean, I know a combination of what Peter and Owen have told me_ – and I have to say, I don't think you have cause to worry Meredith," Larissa mused. Meredith stepped out from behind the panels and entered the main room.

"How so?" Meredith asked, sitting down on the edge of the examination table, Larissa still setting the specs for the ultrasound computer.

"Well," she said, approaching Meredith now. "The way I see it … it's quite obvious how Derek feels about you," she smiled. "Lay back for me, okay?" she asked. Meredith pushed herself back, laying her head on a small pillow there. Larissa turned away for a moment and then looked down to Meredith, her gentle blue eyes shining now, a smile creeping across her face. "Well, he came here for you, right?" she asked.

"He did," Meredith answered, the curve of her own smile forming now.

"But even more telling is the way he looks at you," she mused, moving her eyes briefly to the computer screen. She turned back to Meredith. "You've seen the way my husband looks at me – _you know I've been married to Peter for ten years and I can still feel his eyes on me when I enter a room, even a crowded one_ – the look he gives me, it's still this all-consuming look, he has this wide-eyed way about him – _and well, that's the way Derek looks at you_ – it's what you see in each other," she chuckled.

"Well … Derek _is_ pretty easy on the eyes," Meredith giggled. "It's kind of hard to not _really_ look at him, you know?" she wondered aloud.

"Yes, I do know," Larissa laughed. "And he wants you and he probably wants this baby … even if he doesn't know about it yet," she smiled.

"I think you're right, it's just been … a lot to process, I've only known about this baby for a week and things between us – _have been complicated to say the least_ – but he's here now and seeing is believing so – "

"So … you're ready," Larissa smiled.

"Yes," Meredith answered without hesitation.

"Alright, this jelly will be cold, but it'll be worth it," she said as she took a plastic bottle from her side table and squeezed some of the clear gel onto Meredith's abdomen. "You'll be able to see everything on this monitor here," she said, pointing up to a flat screen monitor just over and to the right of the examination table.

Meredith stared at the ceiling for a brief moment, lulled by the dancing afternoon shadows, feeling cool gel low on her abdomen … just waiting and anticipating. "So, what can I expect to see?" she asked softly, somehow unwilling to crowd this moment with a lot of sound.

"Well, you're almost nine weeks along, just a couple days from there actually and from Peter's notes, you're measuring within the normal range for a baby of this gestational age," Larissa said as she turned around. "Remember the fetus – _your baby _– is only about three centimeters long and is pretty much weightless too – _twelve grams at the most_ – about a half of an ounce," she sighed, marveling at the statistics. "But it'll look much bigger on the screen and instead of slices like a traditional two dimensional ultrasound, you'll see all four dimensions," she said, her voice low, comforting. "It's incredible really," she sighed.

"And what about the heartbeat, do you think we'll hear it?" Meredith asked, for she secretly hoped to be comforted by this … to confirm the life within her was a viable one.

"We should, I'll max out the volume, so we can be sure to catch it if I run across the baby in the right angle," Larissa confirmed. "If not, we'll _see_ the heart beating if nothing else … okay, let's do it," she said, a smile gracing her face now.

_Meredith took a deep breath and closed her eyes for a brief second as Larissa pressed down onto her abdomen with the round smooth head of the ultrasound probe … centering low just above the top of her panties. She took another deep breath in and opened her eyes. She found Larissa staring at the monitor and Meredith was quite certain she had never experienced a more spiritually uplifting moment in her life. She was also quite certain that for as long as she should live, she would never forget the sight before her._

_For gracing the monitor was a bronze-toned image of their fighter-baby – he or she was a beautiful vision – well, he or she actually looked more like an alien with a big head and two black, perfectly almond-shaped sunken areas where its eyes would form, but all Meredith could see was the stunning beauty that would become their child. Larissa was right, the baby was small, dwarfed almost by the umbilical cord which was almost as thick in size as the buds that would become the baby's arms and legs, which were moving … the baby was moving!_

_Fat, heavy tears strolled down Meredith's cheeks and she left them there, for she was transfixed, unable and completely unwilling to move her eyes from the screen as she watched the baby move his or her hands up to its face – and as she focused then, she could see, plain as day now, the small finger buds still shrouded by the skin of a web … the baby's fingers were there – and all accounted for, she smiled to herself, counting five buds on each hand. _

_Then without warning, Meredith was jarred from her private moment of awe and silence when the rapid thunder of the baby's heartbeat filled the quiet space around them!_

"And there it is," Larissa breathed proudly, her eyes catching Meredith's, but anything else she might have said certainly fell on deaf ears, for Meredith was already lost … helplessly lost within the cherished moment.

_The heartbeat sounded more like a horse race, straight out of the gate – she could have been at the Preakness it was so loud, she felt like shouting, choosing a horse to bet on – so much so Meredith felt her own adrenaline max out from the mere sound of the life within her! She heard herself gasp as Larissa turned from the monitor and smiled brightly, she simply nodded and handed Meredith a tissue. Meredith wiped her eyes and turned her attention back to the screen; Larissa leaned down and pressed her warm hand over Meredith's forearm._

"It's a strong beat Meredith, one hundred and sixty-four beats per minute," she smiled. "Just perfect … a perfect little fighter," she sighed.

"Oh my God," Meredith whispered – _her eyes wide_ – her heart on fire with joy as more tears cascaded down her cheeks, only this time she did nothing to stop them – _for right there in front of her eyes was their miracle, their sign, their signal _– and for the first time in a long while, Meredith's eyes may have been cloudy, but her heart and mind more clear and open than ever before. "Larissa, I need Derek … right now," she said, her voice cracking.

"_Every second is treated as though there is no time."_

"I know," she said softly. "Look, I am going to put one of these probe sensors here so you can be alone with Derek, just leave it be and you'll be able to see this same image and hear the baby too," she said as she pressed a small monitor with a wire to the area where she had been pressing down with the probe and then tightened a belt around Meredith's abdomen to keep it in place – _the screen went dark and the room was quiet for a brief moment and Meredith took a deep breath in hesitation_ – before everything came back to life in full force … image, heartbeat, horse race and all.

Meredith smiled and so did Larissa. "Thank you," she said; the drum of her miracle, the soundtrack for the moment, beating rapidly and steadily all around her now. "Do you think … do you think Derek should be prepared to see me like this when he comes in, I don't want to scare him, you know …," she pondered aloud, her own heart racing to catch up with the baby's now.

"I'll prepare him, without giving anything away, if you trust me to do that … he won't be alarmed when he comes in or sees me without you initially," she added, her blue eyes calm, clear.

"I trust you … of course," Meredith answered with a smile, more relieved that Derek wouldn't be alarmed.

"You'll be fine," she said. "This baby is in perfect health," she assured. "I'll go get _daddy_," she giggled and then slipped through the door.

***

Derek smiled now at his old friend as they chatted away in his sunlit office for the last fifteen minutes like no time had passed, even though both men admitted they hadn't thought about one another in years. Addison's name came up briefly, Derek only offered that their relationship ended recently, doing his best to try to move on, Meredith's earlier words running a loop through his mind as he did.

In the time the two men sat together, all Derek learned was that Peter only met Meredith yesterday after a mutual friend introduced him, the mutual friend being none other than Meredith's partner from her _Doctors Without Borders_ assignment for the Bali tsunami relief mission she had chosen. Curious enough, the same man was an old trusted friend of Peter's from his days in the army – _but all Derek could marvel at was the small state of the world_ – and how this _random_ meeting with Peter seemed almost contrived.

Derek watched as Peter's eyes became illuminated and he turned around to find Larissa standing at the doorway, surprised to find her without Meredith.

"Gentlemen," she greeted, stepping inside the office.

"Darling," he sighed, his eyes shining. "Did you and Meredith see everything you needed to see?" he asked elusively, a smile gracing his handsome features.

"Oh, we did lover, and then some," she winked. "The technology produces stunning results," she reflected without giving anything away.

_Peter nodded to her – offering the green light for something – Derek watched closely as the married doctors tag-teamed, speaking in code in front of him without a speck of shame!_

"So, where's Meredith?" Derek asked the pair of them, cocking his head.

Larissa came to stand next to Derek; she extended her hand to him. "Come with me, I'll take you to her," Larissa said softly, tipping her head to the side this time.

"Take me to her?" Derek said as he stood up, still more than confused than anything else, his mind working on overdrive, still trying to connect the random collection of dots.

"Peter darling," Larissa piped up, looking at him for elaboration, nodding in consent.

"Derek," Peter said as he came to stand next him, taking his forearm in his. The men started to walk down the corridor, Larissa came to walk on the other side of Derek. "When Owen called from Bali about Meredith …," he sighed. Larissa raised her brow, waiting for him to continue. "It was because she …," Peter's voice faded as they came to stand in front of the door to an examination room.

"She needed to see us," Larissa finished Peter's thought, her hand on the doorknob now. "In a professional capacity," she said appreciatively, raising her brow and on that note, Derek's heart banged against his chest – _what, what, what_ – went his mind and his heart in unison now.

"She's waiting for you, just inside here … and she's fine Derek …," Peter encouraged, placing a warm hand on his shoulder now as Larissa opened the door and he cautiously stepped inside.

***

Derek heard the soft click of the door latch as it was closed behind him. He took a couple steps into the dim room as he took in the scene before him, instantly mesmerized – _no want or desire to turn and walk away … ever again_ – for all he saw was the miracle before him and all he heard was the thunderous – _swoosh, swoosh_ – of a heartbeat … a heartbeat that was not his own.

"_But your eyes now see much more."_

_His legs shook, he was stuck … the rubber bands were back and he stood motionless for what could have been seconds or minutes but none of it mattered, because time fell away in that moment and all that really mattered in the world was right in front of him._

_Derek took a deep breath in and then did it again straight away, his best attempt to slow down his own racing heartbeat._

_He focused on Meredith and her beauty and watched her watch the flat screen monitor with bated breath, just like he._

_She lay on the examination table; one hand over her heart, the other up by her face, her flat abdomen bare and beautiful, the rest of her flesh shrouded by a large terrycloth robe._

"Meredith," he whispered, barely audible over the reverberating sound of the heartbeat that filled the space all around them. "Oh my God," he muttered from his place.

_Meredith turned her head and found him there; her heart raced …for the moment of truth was upon her. His eyes scanned hers – back and forth – he smiled and so did she. She held her hand out – her eyes wide and wet – sparkling against the dim fluorescent lights behind her._

"Derek," she sighed, her gaze unwavering, her heart on fire with hope and love so much so that Derek could only see that hope and love staring back at him.

_He was at her side in a flash, leaning over he took her face in his hands and covered her mouth with his, she reached up and pulled him down to her, obliterating the small distance between them. He kissed her then, just like he always did –with wonderment and the consumption of passion, familiarity, longevity and adoration – for she was his idol, she was his Meredith and in this moment, she became the mother of his child, his baby, his … flesh and blood. He found no greater joy in his heart – a joy he'd never thought possible – a joy that almost hurt because it was so real, so intense and so awe-inspiring. And as he deepened their kiss, he felt all of that returned to him tenfold … with one brush of her lips against his, he knew there was no turning back._

"I love you," he said against her lips. "So much," he muttered before he closed his lips over hers once more.

_His hand found hers – the one over her heart – and he placed his on top of hers there and kissed her once more for good measure. He pulled away and smiled; her deep green eyes, bright and wet still. Without looking away, Meredith took his hand in hers and moved it down to the smooth plane of her abdomen just above the probe sensor, her skin tingled under his touch, the pads of his fingertips so soft, so gentle and oh so familiar. She smiled, wordlessly allowing him to connect with their miracle. He looked down and ran his hand along her belly – back and forth and only then did his heart literally stop. His blood ran cold and his eyes became wide when he spied the small three-inch scar from her appendectomy._

"Oh God, Meredith," he whispered, tears came, he looked up to the screen – _scrutinizing, searching, looking … wondering_ – his mind clouded with visions of his nightmare dreamscape of her failed surgery, his own horror as he walked away from her, the pain from his mistake still … breaking his heart. "Oh Meredith," he sighed, lost in the confusion now, his eyes never leaving the moving image of the baby on the screen.

"Derek!" she said loudly. "Derek, what do you see?" she shrilled, thinking that he must see something, something wrong … something was terribly wrong!

"Oh damn it, how do you know …," he wondered aloud, recalling that her pregnancy test came back negative – _his eyes scanned the monitor now_ – never letting up, how could they know … how could it be possible?

"How do I know what Derek?" she asked, her question coming out in tufts, just breaths of labored words. "How do I know what?" she asked again, more deliberately now.

"How do you know it's …," he muttered, listening to the heartbeat … hearing_, knowing_ everything was fine – _but just unable to move beyond his haunting_ _memories_ – as everything became even more jumbled … more uncertain. "How do you know that this baby is …," _going to survive_, he asked himself, unable to say it out loud … unable to make his concern real, for it hurt too much.

"Derek!" Meredith all but screamed. "Look at me," she insisted.

_Sitting up as much as she could now Meredith took his face in her hands – she had to make him see – for she realized all he didn't know, and it wasn't his fault! He just assumed and she never said anything! It wasn't his fault … she presumed he wanted to know how she knew the baby was his. She moved his face in her hands, tearing his gaze away from the monitor, the baby's heartbeat thundering on, no sign of letting up – swoosh, swoosh – the repetitive soundtrack for this defining moment._

"Meredith," he sighed, connecting his wild eyes with hers once more, his concern evident.

"Derek, look at me …," she smiled, her heart went nuts. "This is our baby – _ours and ours alone_ – I … I know what you're asking me and I understand why," she said her voice quivering as she spoke. His eyes never left hers, but he began to shake his head – _no, no, no_ – but she held his head steady with her long fingers and forced him to look at her anyway. "Listen to me, look at me," she coached. "I was never with Finn – _you want to know if this baby is ours_ – it's ours … I never slept with him," she sighed, her eyes filled with thick tears, her lover disappearing within them, her heart trembling as he did. She blinked her tears away, they splashed down her face, but when her vision cleared and Derek was just where she left him, only now he had a small smile playing along his whole face.

"Oh shit," he said, his hands flanking her skull now, his wild, happier eyes scanning hers. Without thinking, he pulled her to him, the monitor moving from her belly slightly, jostling the sound of the baby's heartbeat for a moment – _and neither one of them cared_ – for they knew their fighter-baby's heart would never stop beating. "I wasn't asking you about that," he exclaimed in a harsh whisper, tears flooded his eyes. He pulled back – _his lips pressed together_ – again a small smile. "Oh God, there was never any doubt … you have to believe me," he sighed, pressing a kiss to her warm forehead.

"Then what, what do you see?" she cried. "What's wrong?" she sighed, searching his eyes.

"I saw your scar from your surgery – _we didn't know_ – the test, it came back negative," he sighed, pulling her into his chest once more. "I just lost it," he confessed. "In my mind – _I lost everything, just when I found you again_ – I don't want anything to happen to you or this baby and my head was spinning with everything that could be wrong or go wrong," he sighed, pressing a kiss into her hair, taking a deep breath of his _lavender-infused mango elixir_ … the essence of Meredith and he smiled.

"I love you Derek, so much," she said, pressing a kiss to his neck. "I want you to know – _I've only known for about a week _– I just … I needed to see an OB … and have an exam so I could be sure before I said anything, I just needed it to be real," she whispered, peeking up she smiled and so did he.

"Hmm, seeing is believing sometimes," he said softly, his eyes darting to the screen once more.

"Yes, yes," Meredith sighed, following his gaze. "I adore you," she said. "I love you and … I want this with you," she added, her voice soft, yet confident.

"Oh and I want this with you … so badly," he muttered, his eyes locked on hers. "I love you … more and more every day," he said, moving his hand down, he lay it across her abdomen, just how he was destined to … how fate dictated he would. He pulled away slightly and kissed her swollen lips – _once, twice_ – before they both turned to watch the baby, to bask in the miracle of _'them'_.

"So, was this the _'someone'_ you wanted me to meet?" he whispered into her ear, his hands in her hair, his heart on fire with love.

"Yes," she answered, finally breathing, finally relaxing into Derek, just how she was meant to. She rested her ear against his chest – _the rapid fire of his heartbeat meshing together with the sound of their baby's own beat_ – a smile fell on Meredith's face as she held on tight.

_And that's how they stayed for a while there in that moment – Meredith and Derek, new parents, lovers, survivors – holding each other, realizing in their miracle, their __own__ little survivor – one made from their love and their passion and their flesh and blood and bones and nerves and genes … and everything else in between – yes, that's how they remained for that moment in time in that alternate universe thousands of miles away from where they first fell in love and 'conceived' of their future._

"_Your eyes are wider than before."_

**Chapter 12 – Eyes Wider than Before – Part 4 of 4 to follow.**


	26. Chapter 12, Eyes Wider than Before, P4

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al. **

**Author's Note: This part is for Sue, thanks for the PM! You made my day … to the hundreds of people who read this story and don't comment; see what a little communication can buy you? Thanks very much to those who take the time to leave a note. Enjoy!**

**Chapter 12 – Eyes Wider than Before – Part 4 of 4**

"_Gonna drive you away from the trampling of bustling feet."_

Hours later Meredith and Derek closed the door to their suite behind them, the day quickly coming to a close now … the adrenaline they had both been running on nearly depleted – _each secretly dreaming about sleep, sleep and more sleep_ – and preferably wrapped around one another.

The suite had been turned down for the night, dim lights illuminating the space in all the right places – _light jazz music flowed through the rooms_ – Derek turned to Meredith and smiled. He walked to the bar-kitchen and placed their shopping bags on the counter, chuckling now at Peter's insistence to show them around their neighborhood farmers' market and then again at Meredith's eagerness to try almost everything in sight. Meredith smiled now, wordlessly slipping her flip flops off and walking by him down to the bedroom. He watched her go and then turned to put their purchases away.

They had all eaten a light meal together at the market, the weather as damn near perfect as the company in Derek's view and what a stunning view it was, for Meredith displayed her pure happiness and relief for all to see now. Over their meal, they discussed Meredith's pregnancy in great detail – _everything from her low pregnancy hormone levels to her appendectomy to her spotting_ – and they all agreed this baby was a fighter, destined for greatness.

Derek smiled and sighed at how drastically different today had been compared to what he was expecting, which was to meet Meredith and all but beg her for another chance – _for he had already realized he wasn't really living, if without her_ – only to arrive here and live the day as his fate or destiny dictated he would … with yet again another dramatic change of direction, steered of course by his unbreakable connection with Meredith Grey.

He put the last of the water, chocolate and fruits away before he walked over to the side table and grabbed one of those ripe mangos – _realizing now she must have an insane craving for the island fruit_ – a fact he secretly loved, especially if it made her smell the way she did. On that thought, he took a small cutting board and a knife and got to work, first peeling the outer layer of skin from the fleshy fruit – _the skin, the color of a ruby now_ – a beautiful sunset with just a hint of its bright green and golden orange and yellow hues remaining. Derek began to slice the fruit with the precision of the brain surgeon he was through and through. He put the fruit into a glass bowl, clicked the light off and turned toward the bedroom to find Meredith.

He entered the master suite but hung back for a moment and watched as Meredith busied herself – _removing book after book after book_ – from a canvas bag situated on one of the lounge chairs in the corner of the room near the sliding glass doors. She had her cell phone pressed to her ear, her brow furrowed as she listened, but then something made her smile brightly. Derek smiled too, taking in the aura of her – _the tug on his heart, her pull, her energy_ – all-consuming now with their proximity. The heavy curtains were drawn shut; the only source of light in the room came from a reading lamp that stood near her. _The dim light softened the already softer side of her that had been revealed to him over and over again since he first laid his eyes upon her in the garden hours ago._

"_Your eyes are wider than before."_

Derek could tell Meredith was deep in thought now, having just snapped her cell phone shut. She lay it down on the table and removed a full stack of books from a canvas bag. He slipped his shoes off and crossed the room to stand next to her. He placed the bowl of mango slices down on the table in front of them – _she turned into him, shaking her head and eying the fruit, his hands found her shoulders_ – she smiled and so did he. She set the last book down, Derek glanced at the title – _'__Bountiful, Beautiful, Blissful__: Experience the Natural Power of Pregnancy and Birth with Kundalini Yoga and Meditation' – _and all he could do was smile. Meredith giggled – _partly from Derek's expression and partly from her station … their station_ – her laughter filled the quiet all around them now. It was music to Derek's ears.

"I thought you might like some mango," he said softly, pulling her closer, feeling his tug and ache for her physically move him now.

_His realization: that the small part of him had been conditioned to miss her – and since this afternoon the need to quell that ache had only intensified with each passing moment they spent together._

"I swear it, I can't get enough," she laughed at herself, peeking up for his reaction. But he only smiled and pressed his lips together. "So, the big bowl of them gave me away?" she asked, her smile brighter than ever.

He shook his head, _'no'_ and smiled, breathing her in, his ache for her intensifying as he did. "It's the smell of your skin," he whispered as he ducked his head down, pressing his nose behind her ear, his hands at her hips. "Right here," he said; his voice thick now, caught in his throat as he pressed tiny kisses to her skin there, all the while breathing her in.

"How does it make you feel …," Meredith choked out, gasping for air as his lips left tiny wet impressions all along her skin – _she was swimming, already floating in a shimmering deep blue sea of bliss;_ _hanging onto her buoy now, her hands on top of his_ – nothing else mattered.

"Calm and full of peace," he whispered, moving their hands low around her abdomen. "It's you," he whispered into her dewy flesh. "Only sweeter," he clarified softly … their hearts went nuts.

"What does it make you want to do?" Meredith asked boldly, leaning back and into his heat – _her skin on fire as his warm hands moved around her abdomen_ – his lips still planted along her neck.

"Devour you," he answered, turning her around, he began kissing her without abandon, having waited too long to taste her flesh – _Meredith was like clay in his hands instantly, molding herself to his body_ – her hands flanking his head … she hummed in his mouth as he swept his tongue across hers.

_And as they kissed, the passage of time disappeared – and so did they, deep into that sea of bliss they cherished so much – they floated along now, swaying together, their roaming hands feeling each other's flesh and muscles as they lost themselves within each other like so many times before._

_Derek pressed one hand to Meredith's back, holding her there, the other hand at her neck, while she held on for dear life, pumping her swollen lips over his again and again and again – there would never be enough – she was convinced, there would never enough of him to satisfy her – as he took her breath away and that passionate haze came and devoured her just like he promised he would._

_He felt her weightless body floating in his arms, his own legs weak, his heart even weaker as Meredith swayed in his arms having already given herself to him completely. He pulled back and moved his mouth down to her neck, breathing her sweetness in – attacking her neck with his lips, nipping at her earlobe with his teeth – all the while never opening his eyes for fear it was just a dream. He kissed her once more, covering her mouth with his, darting his tongue inside her caverns, just a taste, it was all he really needed. He pulled back, daring himself to open his eyes this time._

"_From you I draw no doubts deep inside."_

Bending down, he pressed his dewy forehead against hers; their collective raspy breathing was all he could hear over the thunder of his heartbeat. "I missed you," he whispered, his eyes locked on hers. She smiled.

"And I missed you," she breathed. "So much," she whispered.

"I want you," he said, his eyes shining, holding her hostage for a beat as his heart simmered down. "But if I don't sleep soon, neither one of us will be satisfied," he laughed and she chuckled at his joke. Meredith reached up and kissed him once more, her mouth a perfect fit over his.

"I know," she sighed, kissing his neck, her heart raging, her mind still floating. "We have forever," she mused, catching his eyes with hers, holding him there for a beat. Breathing deeply she forced her own heart rate to slow down.

"We do, we do," he replied with a smile. "Can I run a bath for you?" he asked after a minute, his tone hushed.

"Nope," she shook her head. "No … no baths," she sighed, before moving his hand down to her belly.

"Hmm, shower," he said, gently turning her toward the bathroom.

They entered the bathroom, the marble floor cold to the touch against her warm feet, a shiver ripped up and down Meredith's spine. She sat down on the simple teak bench in the corner; her eyes following Derek around the pristine space as he headed to turn the water on, the shower came to life. He crossed the small room and sat down next to her. Meredith turned to him, moving his hair from his brow, she smiled and her heart melted. "Shower with me," she said softly, a sparkle in her green eyes as she stood up.

Derek looked up and smiled, her sweet essence hung in the thick, humid air all around them now as Meredith came to stand in between his legs. She pulled the tie to her dress at the side and it fell open. Before she could blink – _Derek's hands were on her bare belly, just his fingertips_ – barely there as he ran them lightly all around her navel. Meredith shrugged the dress off and the slinky fabric pooled at her feet, she stepped closer still.

Derek peeked up, his eyes moving over the endless curves of her darker skin as he found Meredith's eyes glued on him, her face flushed, her hair hanging down around her face, already damp and heavier from the humidity. She smiled – _he bent down and brushed his lips against her bare skin, ducking his head he pressed kisses to her abdomen, just above her panties_ – feeling lost within her, he pushed her panties down an inch, her hands found his skull and she held him there as he breathed her in – _his heart almost giving out_ – his chest clenching at the mere thought of their miracle housed deep within her womb.

_He remained lost, but hopelessly found as he hooked his fingers in her panties and moved them down over her tush and to the ground, all the while breathing her in, quite certain now that he couldn't live without her. Never, ever._

_His fingers nestled low into her vee now, he held her there, her sex wafting up and into the air, suffocating him, intoxicating him._

_He stood and moved his hands up – brushing his fingers along the indentations of her perfectly angled ribs – holding her there, he ducked down and took her lips as his own once more, claiming her, loving her, sexing her._

_Meredith felt dizzy, completely dizzy as she breathed in his familiar scent; for once relishing in his proximity, finally letting him devour her after so many months of avoidance._

_She held on tight and was overcome by all of the sacred, secret wants and desires she held captive in her heart for so long now:_

_The sheer magnitude of her love for this man._

_Her longing for him._

_Her wish for a cherished moment such as this._

_The idea of forever with him._

_It was all around her, there was no escaping her desire for him … and for once, she didn't have to._

She felt Derek move his hands up, he unclasped her bra and her tender breasts fell free as he removed the lacy undergarment, letting it slip from his fingers and fall to the ground. Derek pulled back, holding her there – _his beautifully happy eyes scanning hers_ – she smiled, basking in his love and adoration.

"You're overdressed," she whispered, one hand tugging gently on the waistband of his jeans, her heart banging away against her chest cavity now.

"I'm getting there," he said softly with a chuckle, his voice catching, his hands cupping her ass now.

"Don't be long," she whispered as she turned out of his arms and sashayed to the shower.

He laughed as he watched her go, disappearing behind the curtain, just her gorgeous silhouette visible now. He quickly removed his clothing and crossed the small space. He stepped inside the shower and found her head back under the warm spray of the water. Small droplets of water ricocheted off of her and landed on Derek's flushed skin. He stepped forward into the water with her, his hands finding her shoulders, her wet hair now stuck to her back.

Meredith reached up and gently pushed his hands down to her breasts, maintaining eye contact as she did – _her sensitive nipples reacting to his lithe touch_ – he tested their weight, feeling her new fullness and smiled before he leaned down and kissed each warm nipple, ever so slightly holding his lips around them, grazing his tongue across them as he went – _she gasped at the added sensation _– deciding it was somewhere between pure bliss and pure torture.

_She pulled Derek's head up and held him there for a moment – water beads streamed down his face, cleansing him, his skin pink from the heat now – before she kissed him quickly only to pull back once more, still amazed at all that had happened between them … amazed by the strength of their soul connection, their bond._

_She stepped closer still, one hand on his chest, his heartbeat raging under her palm … they stood toe to toe now, her other hand sweeping down, brushing along his cock, her lifeline, nestled safely between them now and everything she ever wanted and ever needed was finally, finally, finally … hers._

"_Your mellow and tender soul is hard to find."_

_She felt a range of emotions clog her up then – her full circle moment on the horizon now – as she pulled him to her, holding on tight with her eyes and her arms._

_Derek caught a glimpse of his old Meredith then, that small fleck of her sadness – the one he felt he she revealed only to him, the one that made him fall in love with her – the one he wanted to help her wash away, for it always provoked him to do so._

_Her eyes were clouded with thick tears all of a sudden and having no place to go, they fell along her cheeks mixing with the water droplets flying between them._

"_I surrender myself to your presence and peace of mind."_

"Shh," Derek hushed. "I'm here … forever, forever … remember forever," he said, sensing the dam was about to break, her lips found his chest; she pressed them there over his heart … _once, twice_, breathing him in.

"Forever," she muttered. "I know," she said, so softly he barely heard her above the rushing water. He stepped closer still –_ moving his hand down, resting it along her belly _– his fingertips along her vee near her mound, her hands found his and they held their miracle together now as they would come to do over and over and over again throughout the coming months.

"Meredith," Derek whispered, rocking her now as he held her there in the moment. "Today was my best day," he confessed. "Ever," he said; his heart as wide open as his eyes now. "And baby makes three," he whispered, his voice cracked, his heart and soul flying high … his fingertips dancing low across her belly.

Meredith found his eyes with hers and smiled – _the bright smile, the wide smile, the one that told him she was alright_ – her new smile was back. "Baby makes three," she mused, her smile electrifying now. "And it was," she sighed. "A great day … for a new beginning," she said before she reached up and closed her mouth over his.

_And as the couple stood together under the forceful pummel of the shower – they allowed all of the fear and self-loathing and insecurities they had harbored for so long to wash down the drain – bubbling and twisting and turning as they went … down, down, down … washing away all of the debris of the perfect storms they had survived both together and apart from one another to arrive right, here, right now – with their eyes wide open – and ready for the future._

"_So little has changed but your eyes now see much more."_

***

Hours later Meredith woke up from a sound sleep – _the best she had slept since she could remember_ – maybe since her father left her ... and each and every time she opened her eyes she found Derek, his arm usually draped across her abdomen, his hot breath over her chest and neck, his lips pressed to her shoulder. He was literally wrapped around her as they were fiercely protected by their bubble energy, the aura of them.

She watched him sleep now – _the love of her life, the 'one', the father of her unborn child_ – with her wide accepting eyes and smiled. His chest rose and fell, predictable and even ... dependable, like clockwork. She looked at his facial muscles, relaxed and happy. She rolled into him – _burrowing deeper now_ – even though there was no distance between them – _not one mile, not even an inch_ – because they were together and happy and it wasn't an alternate universe, it wasn't just the magical garden on an island in the middle of the ocean ... _it was finally their universe, their life ... their destiny realized._

With the miles and inches between them gone, Meredith relaxed further into Derek, her mind rolling over Cristina's earlier voicemail, small tears sprung to her eyes, for her friend, her person called to tell her that she finally got it – _that she saw what Meredith sees when she looks at Derek_ – that she saw his eyes, she saw his layers and his depth and his pain and his happiness. And then she did something Meredith never thought she would have: she asked if Derek made it alright, mumbling something about all the long flights ... and then she said, in the perfectly elusive way she processes things, _"tell the father of your lovechild I said thanks for the eye-opener"_ and then she was gone.

Meredith smiled and closed her eyes with that thought in mind, relishing now in the peace and calm that had consumed her since she stepped from the shower and slipped into bed with her lover, her lifeline. And as sleep came for her once again and the world became black and warm and effortless, she found Derek's crystal clear gateways and wondered how she survived even one night without him and then she realized he was right ... _survival_ was one thing, but _living_ without each other was unfathomable.

"_Hush, now sway and fall asleep."_

**Chapter 13 to follow.**


	27. Chapter 13, A New Day Has Come, P1

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al. **

**Author's Note: There are only a couple of Celine Dion songs I really like and this is one of them. If you read the lyrics you can really see how this song is perfect for the story at this juncture. I hope you do too … please tell me what you think of this story and try to listen to the song if you can. Enjoy.**

**Chapter 13 – A New Day Has Come**

Lyrics for Celine Dion's "A New Day Has Come":

A new day has...come

I was waiting for so long  
For a miracle to come  
Everyone told me to be strong  
Hold on and don't shed a tear

Through the darkness and good times  
I knew I'd make it through  
And the world thought I had it all  
But I was waiting for you

Hush, love

I see a light in the sky  
Oh, it's almost blinding me  
I can't believe  
I've been touched by an angel with love  
Let the rain come down and wash away my tears  
Let it fill my soul and drown my fears  
Let it shatter the walls for a new, new sun  
A new day has...come

Where it was dark now there's light  
Where there was pain now there's joy  
Where there was weakness, I found my strength  
All in the eyes of a boy

Hush, love

I see a light in the sky  
Oh, it's almost blinding me  
I can't believe  
I've been touched by an angel with love  
Let the rain come down and wash away my tears  
Let it fill my soul and drown my fears  
Let it shatter the walls for a new, new sun  
A new day has...come

A new day has...come  
Ohhh, a light... OOh

* * *

**Chapter 13 – A New Day Has Come – Part 1 of 3**

Derek was _falling, falling, falling_ now into that familiar black sea of Meredith's failed appendectomy – _his demons, his mistakes still radiating, still shaking him to the core_ – haunting him, even now when he knew all he had to do was open his eyes and find Meredith. He took a deep breath and exhaled only to hear a _muffled warbled wail_ escape from his lips as he …_slowly, slowly, slowly_ arrived on the other side of his private misery now.

Instinctually, he moved into Meredith's proverbial warmth – _he could feel her now as she encapsulated him … the aura of her, the essence of her infiltrating him_ – wordlessly soothing him as she had done off and on throughout the night last night and again right now – _each time the nightmare became less vivid_ – more muted and less defined and he could only hope it was a matter of time until he would finally be free of all that haunted him.

Their proximity helped as well as their unwillingness to leave the hotel suite since falling into bed together the previous night, where they essentially stayed – _rubbing, soothing, loving and almost-sexing each other _– talking in hushed tones about anything and everything for the first time since they met. For there were no more deep, dark secrets – _no secret wife, no sick mother, no hang ups, no divorce papers to sign, no obstacles … no storms of their own making on the horizon_ – because for once they weren't hiding from themselves or their feelings for one another – _they were finally free_ – free to love each other in mind, body and spirit … and it was a beautiful thing.

Derek burrowed even deeper into the warmth of his salvation, his angel now – _reaching for the beauty of it _– pressing his nose along Meredith's ribs, his arm draped over her thighs, his fingers slipping under the soft fabric of her yoga shorts. He heard paper rustle and then a book close, no doubt Meredith was reading one of the many pregnancy books Larissa and Peter had given her. Derek felt her reach over and put the book on the nightstand. _He breathed her in, taking the opportunity to melt into her, to allow the essence of her to calm him once more._ He felt his heart slow down as Meredith began to run her healing hands up and down the tired muscles of his back.

"_I'm here, I'm here,"_ she whispered. _"I'm not going anywhere,"_ she assured.

"I know, I just …," he said, his voice cracked through the quiet solitude all around them – _he was safe, she was safe_ – words failed him. He draped his thigh over her knees, willing himself to believe it was true _… that Meredith and their miracle had indeed survived the appendectomy._

"_I love you,"_ she said so softly that Derek knew her sentiment was meant for his ears only, even though they were locked away from the magical garden and the rest of the world … all alone now. She moved her hands up to his skull and held him there, her long fingers submersed in his wild hair. _"Come here,"_ she said and only then did Derek open his eyes and raise his head, relishing in her steadfastness.

_He leaned up and onto his elbow, taking in her beauty, her eyes sparkling against the dim light coming from the reading lamp. Reaching up, he ran his fingers around the halo of her hair line. She closed her eyes, her heart calming down too. She took his hand and kissed his palm before moving it down to place it low on her belly. He smiled and so did she._

"You can say anything to me," she said, finding his tired eyes, she kept him there with her, wanting nothing more than for him to talk to her about this thing – _his dream or whatever it was _– because it was clearly bothering him.

"I know and _I love you_ … so much," he said, his voice shaking, petrified to let it all go … to make his mistakes a reality again.

_Derek looked down and with his free hand he moved her tank top up, revealing the beautiful plane of her smooth abdomen, only to spy what he was really looking for: the tiny scar that haunted him. He ran his fingers over the pink scar and smiled … Meredith had survived, their baby had survived. He was blessed … he knew this._

"Then tell me," she soothed. "We can't afford secret nightmares Derek," she smiled lightly but her racing heart betrayed her. "Tell me," she persisted.

_Derek leaned over and kissed her scar, taking a deep breath of her flesh now, her hands found his skull and he peeked up. He found comfort in her evergreen eyes as she held him there – suspended in time, completely unwilling to let him go – she was alive and well … her eyes told him so. He kissed her flesh one more time before he pushed himself up and rested his head on her pillow next to hers, they rolled into one another, his leg over her hip, his eyes never leaving the safety he found within hers as he began to speak._

"The nightmare is always the same," he said, his heart racing already. "I'm standing in the deserted Gallery overlooking the OR to watch your appendectomy, exactly like I did that day," he said reflectively. "Bailey's there too, just like she was, she stood facing me, glanced up and nodded and then made the first incision," he said, pulling Meredith closer. "And all I could think, in that moment was that you were so vulnerable and that vulnerability, I don't know _– it just consumed to me_ – it made me feel even more helpless," he whispered. Meredith moved her hand up, brushing Derek's hair from his brow.

"It's okay, tell me," she whispered again.

"So, I kept my eyes trained on O'Malley's back as reached in to clamp the cecum and that's when things spiraled out of control; in the nightmare anyway ...," his voice trailed off, Meredith caressed his cheek. "From then on it was a weird collection of visions, biting with sound, sharp fragments of time with no place to go – _George's hands soaked with your blood, Bailey's wide eyes, the Chief barging into the room_ – and you … _on that table_," his voice cracked, his heart about to give out.

"Shh, I'm here," Meredith said softly, her eyes scanning his, the storm within them fully visible now, her heart ached for him.

"The screeching monitors were so familiar … but so damning, I …," he paused, losing his words. "I pounded on the thick glass and all it did was shake under my fists – _I was trapped, suffocated_ – it was all I could hear so I engaged the speaker, and all I could think was would I lose you before we started our thing again – _knowing a life without you simply was no life at all_ – and then … then the nightmare of my reality became an air embolus," he said shaking his head. Meredith reached over and pulled Derek's thigh tighter over her hips; she leaned in and kissed his hot cheeks, holding his skull.

"Don't stop, let it out," she ordered gently with a weak smile, her beautiful eyes never leaving his … she wanted him to know she was in this, _for good_, despite her fear of what he might confess.

_Derek sighed, searching her with his eyes, struck by Meredith's natural inclination to give … always a giver, even though he sensed she was hesitant to know the truth, he held her tighter and pressed on._

"I ended up running down the hallway and into the stairwell … and I kept running down the steps, there were so many, it was endless," he rambled on, finding the comfort of her eyes and her physical presence. "I was literally running in circles … and I … I suppose that was the point …," he wondered aloud with a wry chuckle, shaking his head.

_He paused then and took a deep breath of their air, savoring Meredith's proximity once again – she was alive and well and so was he – they were moving on … he was done with running. He raised his hand and ran his fingers along the perfect line of her cheekbone._

_Meredith's skin became flushed under his touch, she took a deep breath to steady her heart but was suddenly suffocated by his energy – in a good way – she still couldn't get enough of him. She moved closer, taking that last bit of space away, letting his warmth cover her like a blanket. He needed this … closure; they needed this to move on and she sensed there was more … his muscles still taut, angry._

"There's more," she said, more of a statement than a question. Derek nodded, still holding her gaze.

"Toward the end of the steps … I slipped and fell into the shadows of the stairwell and then it all went black," he said, his voice quiet, still. "It was endless," he said softly. "You know that free-falling … that pure nothingness feeling?" he asked, focusing on her once more.

_Meredith nodded in assent, listening his voice __so__ hallow, it made her shiver_

"Well … hmm … that's where it ended," he sighed, his eyes became wet. Meredith became blurred around the edges until he blinked. "I always woke up screaming your name," his voice quaked. "My call hung in the air, it was … _a cruel circumstance of my own creation_," he admitted, his heart torn apart for all to see. "It just echoed around the trailer having no point of exit," he reflected and then everything quiet between them – _all Derek could feel was Meredith's radiant heat as he melted into her embrace_ – just a enough, just enough to really feel her.

Realization crossed over Meredith's face, her eyes became wet. "So you never knew what happened … to me?" she asked, her heart raced.

Derek shook his head, _'no'_. Just thinking about it now, his heart was on fire all over again. "That was the worst part, you know?" he asked. Meredith nodded, she did know. "And even though it was only a nightmare it was a hard – _to know that you might have perished in that space of time_ – and that I wasn't there to see you through," he husked, tears on the rise in his eyes now. "The pain of that, it was so real … the pain of my mistakes … it's just been … beating me up…," his voice trailed off.

"Oh, Derek," Meredith sighed, her heart literally ached as she folded him into her arms and held him there with his head pressed to her neck, his nose in her hair, his hot breath fanning her skin. She could feel the energy of the nightmare as he shook ever so slightly, like an aftershock of an earthquake – _she could barely feel it_ – but she knew it was there.

"Every night, I did this thing … I tried to stay with it a little longer, just to make it in time to the OR, but I never did … _I never could run fast enough,_" he reflected. "After a while, I let it win and I just waited for it and every night it came and I mourned the loss of you and felt the pain of my mistakes all over again …," he confessed desperately into her neck. "I was tortured by it and our separation only made it worse – _you were gone and I couldn't get over that _– it was my reality …," he said, barely able to speak.

Wordlessly, Meredith moved to cover Derek with her body, his arms went around her, low along the bare skin of her back, his fingers dancing beneath her light tank top, her tender breasts pressed between them. She raised her knees up and straddled him, her hands in his hair; she pressed _tender loving kisses_ to his chest and neck, desperate to breathe him in, to hold him … to love him. Derek simply held on for dear life. She held him that way for a long while – _remaining the moment, depositing it in her memory bank, kissing, kissing, kissing_ – as Derek reached down and pulled the blanket over them and there they stayed, saving each other.

_And in that cherished moment, time and space once again fell away for the reunited lovers and that weightless floating feeling they found only within each other was back in full force – the spirit and power and magical energy of 'them' – served as a reminder now: that they were meant to arrive at this moment, despite all of their history._

Meredith leaned up and fused her lips to Derek's, tasting his skin, making him real and hers once again. She couldn't help herself if she tried – _she really wanted to take his pain and throw it out to sea_ – but she claimed him instead, opening her mouth to his, relishing in the feeling of his tongue flush up against hers. She hummed into his mouth, deepening their kiss to a new level of intimacy – _and only then did she feel it_ – their hearts beating as one, their minds open and reconnected, revitalized, finally whole and healed – _kiss, kiss, soft, lips, dart, smack, bond, chain, magic, taste, push, pull, dart, smack, kiss, kiss, kiss_ – for it didn't take much more than that for them.

_This of course Meredith knew … that all it would take was simple words of simple truths and lots of kisses to once again seal their fate: that they were meant to be._

"Derek," she whispered against his lips, their hearts still pounding in unison. "We can't undo what's been done," she said softly.

He kissed her, _soft and quick_. "I wish I could," he muttered, his eyes closed on his admission.

_Meredith pulled away slightly and moved to Derek's side, draping her right leg over his thighs. She propped herself up on her elbow, he opened his eyes to find hers. She smiled; her hand over his heart muscle, the warmth of his skin felt like home, small tears pricked her eyes._

"Well, I don't," she whispered strongly, raising her brow, Derek eyed her curiously. "I can't," she said, leaning down she pressed her lips to his. "I can't … because it put us, right here," she sighed, Derek pressed his lips together, she never ceased to surprise him. "And …," she said, trailing her fingers around his beautiful face. "I like where we are," she whispered before Derek reached up and brought her head down, wasting no time before he pulsed his lips over hers again and again and again.

"I love you," he said into her mouth before he pulled away and found her sparkling eyes. "And I love where we are, I love this – _holding you, feeling you_ – just being with you," he said sincerely. "I don't …," he sighed. "I don't know why I hid from this … or walked away – _well_ … _actually I do_ – I was scared of the intensity of what I feel for you …," he confessed.

_Meredith lay her head down on the crook of Derek's shoulder, her free hand found the indentations of his ribs, she closed her eyes as she trailed her fingers, up and down. Derek moved his hand in small circles around her back, feeling her baby soft skin under the pads of his fingertips. Meredith relaxed under his touch._

"We have a history, and it's not pretty," Meredith sighed. "But we need to forgive – _we need to move on_ – you have to let this nightmare go," she gently persisted. "It's not just about us anymore," she said finally.

Derek smiled, his heart racing now. "No … no, it's not, I'll try …," he said, breathing her in – _her sweet essence hung in the air all around them_ – a gentle reminder of their miracle … their baby … their future.

"Derek …," Meredith sighed before lifting her head. She pressed her lips to his chest, his hands found her skull; he moved his fingers through her wild tresses and closed his eyes.

"Hmm," Derek sighed and everything was quiet for a moment, finally he relaxed, just enough, for now.

"I forgive you," she whispered into the space all around them, her heart clenching down, refusing to give out now because she really did. She couldn't forget their history, but she _could_ forgive him – _more easily than anyone else could fathom_ – because she loved him. She raised her head and peaked at him.

He smiled, small tears spilled from his eyes, already lost within the magnitude of her forgiveness. He shook his head. "Come here," he muttered, moving her up, pressing his lips over hers, the familiarity of her kiss … it was like coming home. Her hands found his cheeks and she gently smoothed his tears away. "How can I ever make it up to you?" he asked; the task insurmountable in his eyes.

"Oh," Meredith said breathlessly, her smile radiant. "That's the easy part …," she soothed, taking his hand, she placed low against her belly, resting hers on top. She pressed her lips together – _there was so much she could say but tears came instead_ – collecting in her eyes like bees to honey.

"Meredith …," Derek said softly, drawing her near, closing the small distance between them. He could tell she was either holding herself back or gathering speed; he just wasn't sure which one. She smiled and took a deep breath.

"Spend your life with me," she said strongly, her wet eyes instantly locked on his, her heart on her sleeve. He reached up; brushing his fingers along her cheek and chin. "Be mine – _be ours_ – choose … _us_," she said, leaning down and into his warmth. "Because … I'm in this … and I love you," she whispered; her voice calm and even, despite her raging heart.

"Meredith …," he sighed; fever pricked his skin, waking him up. "I love you … so much … you … you amaze me, you do … you just …," he said, completely out of breath, his glassy eyes scanned hers now before he closed his mouth over hers once more – _soft and quick and everything in between_ – kisses full of love and loyalty and forgiveness and hope. "You blow me away …," he said after a minute, leaning into the aura of her.

_Derek's heart went nuts – trampling wildly now, akin to horse race inside his chest – as he pulled Meredith down and captured her lips with his, pulsing, pumping, taking her skull in his hands, wielding control over their kisses._

_Meredith felt a tremor of pure need ripple up and down her spine, finally zapping her core – her pussy instantly wet with untamed desire – her declaration still hanging in the air all around them and in her mind too as she lapped her tongue against Derek's over and over and over again until she was breathless and lost and on the verge of pure bliss._

_Derek held her head in his hands, holding her at bay for a beat, he felt his cock lengthen … hmm, he wanted her … so badly now! But there wasn't time – they needed to leave soon – and he wanted to take his time with her, his heart melted – all he could hear was their raspy breathing and his raging heart deep inside his ears – his eyes fell into her endless gateways, there was no escape and he didn't want one._

"I'll never get enough of you," she confessed, pulling him back, reeling him in. She buried her head in his neck, holding onto him for dear life, his loving arms around her … her angel … her lover.

"Our baby will be blessed," Derek whispered, for he just had to say it; he was so in love with her and the idea of raising a baby with her. "And … so am I," he said softly. "We're blessed," he into the air all around them. "We're blessed," he breathed, his heart on fire once more.

_Blessed, that was one way to put it … maybe the only way to put it. After all, their destiny, their fate, with all the twists and turns had led them to this moment – right here, right now – wrapped up in one another on the verge of spending the rest of their lives together._

_Blessed, yes that was one way to put it … for two people who had the cards stacked against them and yet somehow – the energy of 'them', their magnetic force could not be reckoned with – thank God for that they both thought separately now as they relaxed and melted into one another … for now and forever._

_Meredith felt her eyes become heavy, but she opened them instead, feeling a pang of hunger – realizing that somewhere along the line – she lost track of time. She peeked up and spotted the glowing LCD of the clock on the bedside table and her eyes grew wide._

"Derek," she whispered, rolling out of his embrace.

"Hmm," he mumbled as she leaned down, her hand sweeping along his muscular chest. She kissed his neck and chin. He smiled.

"We have to go – _remember we're meeting Peter and Larissa tonight_ – we have twenty minutes," she said, kissing him on his lips. "We have to get going," she sighed.

"Wait … what day is it?" he asked, a small grin crossing his handsome face.

"Derek!" she exclaimed and he smiled.

"I'm kidding, I saw the clock a few minutes ago …," he sighed. "I just wanted a minute longer … just us," he said softly.

"Hmm, yeah … me too," she said, her smile radiant as she moved out of his embrace. "I'm going to shower …," she said softly. Derek opened his eyes, raising his brow. _"Alone,"_ she teased. "Otherwise we'll never leave," she said before slipping out of the bed and into the bathroom.

"Fine!" he heaved after her, gazing at the open doorway, the shower came to life and so did the room via a triangle of bright light coming from the bathroom. "But tonight you're all mine!" he shouted.

Meredith appeared in the doorway, the steam shrouding her now. "You bet your ass I am," she teased; pulling her tank and panties off … she tossed them at Derek before she turned and sashayed into the bathroom. Derek watched her naked form go, his cock jumping with pure need as he did.

Rolling over, he held her panties in his hands … his head spinning with visions of the night ahead. He heard her step into the shower – _his eyes scanned the lighter room_ – and he briefly wondered if Peter had any luck today, hoping to God he did.

He pushed himself back against the headboard, noting the light from the house phone was illuminated – _a message or a package_ – likely the latter, considering Meredith was waiting for her mother's final Will in Testament. He sighed; so far she hadn't said much about Ellis' death … he supposed in due time, when she was ready … they would talk about it. He moved his eyes along their room – _their safe-haven of the last twenty-four hours_ – and all he could do was smile as he slipped from the warmth of the bed.

Placing his feet on the plush carpet, he stood and ran his fingers through his hair. He crossed the room and pulled the heavy curtains back only to reveal the dusk of the sky – _a perfect purplish haze_ – covered the small quaint city now twinkling with lights. Derek moved his gaze to the laptop situated on the table there and thought to check his email to see if he heard back from the architect in regards to adding a nursery right off of the master bedroom. And although he hadn't asked Meredith to move in with him yet, he wanted to be ready, he wanted to surprise her … and he assumed they would live together once they returned to Seattle – _which was a grand assumption on his part_ – but something he really wanted and couldn't imagine it any other way.

He took one last look at the darkening sky and moved around the table to sit down in front of the laptop. He spied a knife and bowl of discarded mango peel to the left – _realizing he must have slept through that one_ – he chuckled aloud. He toggled the mouse on the laptop and it came to life. He clicked open the email browser and smiled when he saw the reply from the architect, he read the message.

"_**It's a go. See the revised plans and congratulations!"**_

He read the message again – _'congratulations'_ – and smiled, somehow the baby just became more tangible … more a part of their future. He sighed, everything was falling into place – _slowly, slowly_ – things were really coming together, he silently mused.

"Anything interesting?" Meredith asked from the bathroom doorway. "I left the shower running for you," she smiled.

_Derek's eyes fell on her – she looked radiant – a bright white towel knotted at her chest, her darker skin flushed with damp heat, her cheeks ruby pink … she truly was a vision. He closed the email browser and rose from the chair – that invisible fishing line working again now – tug, tug, tug as he crossed the room and stood in front of her, taking her warm hand in his, her essence intoxicating him as he came closer, leaning in … he kissed her, soft and quick._

"Are you sure you want to go?" he husked, moving away just enough to pull his boxers down. He stood up; her hands found his cock, a mischievous grin crossed her face as she pumped him – _up and down – _he moaned in satisfaction … _don't stop, don't stop._

"Down boy," she teased, holding him there – _with her eyes __and__ her hands_ – before her giggle filled the air. _God, she wanted him; his cock literally woke up in her hands._

"Damn," he said, leaning into her a bit, completely unable to resist her.

"Cold shower," she giggled. "You should take one," she laughed as he reluctantly slipped through the doorway … her need for him pooling in her core and beyond, her clit throbbing as she watched him go.

Meredith sighed – _focus, focus, focus_ – she chanted as she turned her attention back to the closet just outside the door; she pulled the door open and grabbed a black faux-wraparound tank dress complete with a delicately ruffled plunging neckline. She took the dress and then grabbed a pair of black thong panties, deciding to go without a bra. She placed the articles on the bed and pulled the knot of the towel to release it, bending over she wrapped her wet hair in it and stood up, she felt nauseated for a split-second, her hands flew to her belly. _She was hungry; it had been hours since she had eaten._

She walked to the small table near the sliding glass doors, briefly glancing at the dark sky – _hardly believing they entered this room a little more than twenty-four hours ago_ – and hadn't moved since. And she loved every minute of it, _even_ talking with Derek about his nightmare, because if she was gonna do this with him – _it was all or nothing now_ – and she wouldn't tolerate anything less.

She noticed her cell phone light was on and blinking, as was the hotel phone – _figuring she would get to it in a minute_ – knowing that the delivery of her mother's Will in Testament was most likely the reason for the hotel phone light. She sighed on that thought and pressed on for the moment. She grabbed the bottle of body lotion – _happy once again to have found an unscented brand that didn't seem to stir up unwanted nausea_ – she quickly swathed her body with it, the air now cold on her damp skin. Crossing the room, she let the towel fall and slipped her panties on and then the dress. She took her hair brush from the bedside table and moved it through her tresses and that was that – _all dressed up and nowhere to go_ – for the moment anyway.

Meredith smiled as she heard the shower die in the background. She grabbed her cell phone, slipped on a pair of red ballet flats and walked down the darkened hallway to the living room. She stopped at the edge of the room, found the light switch and clicked it on … dim light infiltrated the quiet space. She sat down on one of the deep leather lounge chairs and opened the phone. She dialed the voicemail and entered her pass codes only to hear Owen's soft voice funnel through the line.

"_Meredith it's Owen. I ah... I know everything is okay … I spoke with Peter and like him, I can only marvel at the small state of our world. I hear your man arrived safely and was looking for you … and Peter too … amazing stuff. Well … come back when you're ready – maybe take an extra day to decompress – I haven't been too busy … but come back okay … Ketut's been by, checking up on me and asking about you … I gave her the news about the baby, she just shook her head and said, "I know, I know," … … oh … and your 'mango-boyfriend' now has a name … Wayan … he's been stopping by every day after school … anyway, his face is long … but he is just as peaceful as ever. He lingers and leaves a mango for you, even though he knows you aren't here. I've been eating them … it's like Christmas cookies … and he's Santa … yeah, so … you should come back … I could use the company and the help ... So, take all the time you need. Give me a ring so I know when to expect you and … and ah ……oh well, you know … so I know when to stop eating your mangos. Take care."_

Meredith held the phone in her hand – _her mind fell on the little boy, Wayan … he must be the first born in his family_ – and she relaxed and could see him now in her mind's eye, just like she did in her dreams every now and again since she met him. And Owen was right … Wayan was full of peace and calm. Meredith's thoughts quickly moved to Ketut, she missed her warmth – _her soothing voice and all-knowing hands_ – she closed her eyes and was instantly encapsulated by her strong energy.

She stood up and sighed – _opening the sliding door, she was slammed with the cooler nighttime air_ – she stepped out onto the balcony and let the cool humid wind move through her damp tresses. She held on to the railing and closed her eyes for a beat. She opened them and focused on twinkling lights all around the small city and then on the black, still ocean just beyond that.

_Meredith smiled then, warmth covering her like a blanket out of the drier – she missed Bali … completely – there was no denying it. She missed the villagers and the weather and her work at the clinic … she missed the peace of mind she found there. And she loved Derek … with everything she had in her – and more than anything, she wanted to ask him to go back with her – to be with her while she finished her assignment._

_She wanted Derek on Bali; it was as simple as that._

_She wanted to see him take it all in._

_She wanted to ask him to come with her – which was huge – and she was gonna do just that. Tonight._

_Because she wanted him, only him … and she needed him, only him._

_She melted at the swirling range of her deep thoughts – marveling at the idea of being able to have everything she dreamed of – at least for the moment._

And in _that_ moment, she felt Derek – _the aura of him_ – and she knew he was watching her. She turned around and was met with his happy, dancing eyes. He smiled – _dripping in his own brand of sex appeal_ – his eyes boring into hers. He took a step closer and so did she, but then she stopped, immobilized by his proximity all of a sudden _– for it still shocked her, that he was even here and she could reach out and touch him_ – having long-since grown accustomed to holding him at an arm's length away. He smiled, he was wearing a pair of black chinos and a one of his standard blue button down shirts, the sleeves already folded up his forearms – _he looked happier_ – she sighed easily now, their talk had helped.

"You look beautiful …," his voice trailed off. "So … happy," he said, his eyes sweeping along her body – _up and down_ – he titled his head to the side.

"I am," she said walking straight into his arms now; she felt his nose press against her head. "And you are too," she whispered into his neck, planting her lips there.

"I am, much better," he said softly, breathing her in, savoring her sweet essence, before pulling back. "I love you," he said simply. "Thank you … for before, for everything," he added.

Meredith smiled, leaning in; she pressed a quick kiss to his lips, always a perfect fit. "Welcome," she said, her face shining, her heart finally happy. And then she giggled, she just couldn't help it.

"What?" Derek asked, as she stepped out of his arms and held her hand out. He took her hand.

"Come on," she said, pulling on his hand slightly, she closed the sliding door behind them. "Lets go," she chided. "Out the door Shepherd," she laughed, grabbing her small beaded clutch, she eyed him, her heart melting … her core on fire, he cocked his head, _'what'_? She only laughed. "The sooner we go, the sooner we can come back," she giggled as she opened the main door to the suite and stepped into the well lit hallway.

Derek let the door close behind them, watching as Meredith walked a couple steps ahead of him to the elevators, making note of how sinuously her black dress swayed around her body, accentuating all of her perfect curves … _damn, it was going to be a long night._ Sure he was glad to meet Larissa and Peter, sure he would be glad for some much needed food – _but even more than that_ – he couldn't wait to come right back here and devour Meredith Grey … _for dessert._

**Chapter 13 - A New Day Has Come – Part 2 of 3 to follow.**


	28. Chapter 13, A New Day Has Come, P2

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al. **

**Author's Note: Thanks to those who continually hit the review button, it would be great to hear from more of you, but I suppose this is no different than a novelist their work … many times books are purchased and then shelved by the consumer with no word from the reader if they ever enjoyed the book, other than sales. So without sales, I have traffic reports and they are pretty impressive. So thanks for reading, lol … I guess is my point. Enjoy.**

**Chapter 13 - A New Day Has Come – Part 2 of 3**

"So, everything's a go?" Derek asked Peter as they approached the swanky bar inside Larissa's favorite place to eat, a small upscale burger joint located in the middle of town.

"You're golden old buddy," Peter answered, placing a firm hand on Derek's shoulder. "I had the papers delivered to your hotel," he said as they stood at the bar, having taken advantage of Larissa's idea for a drink just between the two of them, stealthily creating an opportunity for this chat.

"Perfect ... that was fast," Derek said appreciatively.

"My buddy over there left a note inside the package with instructions, but I think you'll just complete the application, fax it and then take the originals with you for Owen," he added.

"Thanks Peter … thanks for the help," he added as he raised his hand to the bartender over the small sea of people situated at the bar.

"No worries, mate … I would have done the same, you know actually …," he chuckled, his voice trailed off when something else caught his attention. He turned back to Derek briefly. "I had already …," Peter's voice trailed off again, a sparkling hint of mischief in his eyes now as they traveled away. Derek followed his gaze … no doubt in his mind that Larissa was the reason for that sparkle.

_Derek's eyes fell on Meredith. She and Larissa were sitting outside in the courtyard – mature tropical trees surrounded them, small white twinkling lights, Meredith's glowing smile and skin, Larissa's larger than life smile, their heads thrown back in fits of laughter – Derek smiled too, his girl was more than happy. He turned his attention back to Peter who was still miles away._

"You already did what?" Derek asked.

"Oh … yes," Peter said catching up with Derek's eyes again. "I actually called my buddy late last night," he chuckled. "I had a feeling by the time you woke up this afternoon, you'd be ready to follow Meredith Grey again," he said wistfully.

Derek chuckled, glancing at Meredith once more. "Hmm, we've spent too much time apart already and now … I can't imagine not following her ... being with her," Derek said. The bartender approached and smiled.

"Dr. Jackman," the fair-haired young man greeted Peter, placing a couple of napkins down on the bar.

"Terry, hello mate," Peter replied, a wide smile in tow. "Derek, what's your poison?" he asked.

"Double scotch, single malt … thanks," Derek replied, again peeking at Meredith. Terry nodded.

"I like where the man's head is, I'll have the same, thanks," Peter answered and Terry disappeared.

"Now, I just have to tell her about the arrangements or ask her … _ask her_," Derek clarified, his eyes glued on Meredith now. "It's a fine line – _to_ _tell her or to ask her_ – right?" he asked.

"_Ask her my friend_ and don't doubt the answer – _a blind man could see she's very much in love_ – _ask her_ … you know the answer and we both know she won't give that assignment up," Peter advised lightly.

"No, she won't – _Meredith isn't built that way, to give_ _up_ – she's very …loyal," Derek said, pressing his lips together.

Terry returned and placed their drinks down. He nodded and turned away again. Peter and Derek mock-toasted each other –_their glasses suspended in the air for a moment _– before taking a small sip. The amber liquid scorched Derek's throat and his eyes watered as he appreciated the familiarity of his favorite drink.

"Can I say something?" Peter asked.

"Sure," Derek nodded, having a sense of where Peter was headed, his heart rate spiking up a tad.

"I think Meredith is perfect for you, she's the real deal," Peter offered strongly. _"And I'm not sure what happened between you and Addison," _he said with haste. "But she was …," he chuckled. "She always seemed like the type of woman _my elitist mother _would have wanted me to end up with," he cackled. Derek chuckled.

"She is … exactly that type of woman," Derek agreed with a smile, taking another sip of his drink. "She's … things between us just took a wrong turn – _it was messy and complicated because we let it get that way_ – a lot happened to end the idea of … _us_," Derek offered.

"Ah, yes the infamous … _Derek and Addison or was it Addison and Derek?_" Peter ribbed. Derek shook his head with a wry smile.

"Well, marriage takes work and we just got … lazy and then I was absent, _not entirely uncaring_, just … absent," Derek offered, a hint of sadness in his voice, he would give anything to take back some of the hurt and wrongdoing.

"I'll agree with that buddy, that marriage takes work … but it shouldn't be _hard work_," he counseled.

"No, but you have to want to work at it too – _both parties_ – you can't just …," Derek sighed, taking another sip of his scotch. "She was hurtful and spiteful near the end and … well … she certainly got my attention again," Derek offered miserably, his mind on Mark now.

"She had an affair, did she then?" Peter asked incredulously, somewhat mystified. He took another sip of his scotch.

Derek nodded. "With Mark," he answered dryly, his heart pinched … just saying it out loud could do that.

Peter's eyes bulged out of his head. "Terry!" he shouted, urgently holding up two fingers, silently ordering another round. Derek chuckled at his old friend's antics. "I would have never … how on earth …?" Peter asked, in complete shock.

"Peter, it's fine – _now__ it's all fine_ – it's been rough," he sighed. "A lot has happened, most of it extremely unpleasant – _except for Meredith_ – she remains the silver lining … she … she saved my life on more than one occasion," Derek said, his eyes falling on her again – _he was moving on, he had survived _– they had a lot to look forward to now.

Terry arrived and placed the two additional drinks down on the bar, his head disappeared when he ducked down to get something.

"Thanks mate," Peter said.

"Hey Terry?" Derek called out. "Do you have any fresh mango back there?" he asked.

Terry popped back up. "I sure do," he answered.

"Can you make something for me? A smoothie, _no alcohol_, mango with maybe some ice cream or yogurt … just no alcohol," Derek said with a smile.

"Sure thing," he answered.

Derek nodded and turned his attention back to Peter. "Meredith has a thing for mangos at the moment," he chuckled. Peter smiled and held his glass up to toast. Derek did the same.

"So … to call Sloan after what he did to you …," Peter said. "You really wanted to find Meredith – _you love her, madly_ – the way I love Larissa … I'd follow that woman anywhere, no questions asked," he chuckled, shaking his head.

"I do … love Meredith," Derek said softly. "Nothing else matters, if I'm not with her … I have nothing," Derek said, finally at ease again.

"And so you forgave Mark?" Peter asked quietly with a raised brow.

"Not necessarily … forgiveness takes … work and character," Derek sighed, his mind working on overdrive now. "Mark knew how to find you," Derek said directly. "And I needed to find Meredith … you were a decent shot for that," he said, shrugging his shoulders. He took a sip of his scotch and Peter followed his gaze this time, each man becoming lost in his own thoughts for a moment now.

_Derek turned away, the sound in the room faded and he found Meredith again and his heart went nuts – because she __forgave__ him, she gave back everything he did – she could forgive but not necessarily forget … she simply wanted to move on and that meant something._

_So Derek had to wonder, how Meredith could forgive him … but he __not__ find a way to forgive Mark (eventually). Were the circumstances any different? She was right, he had to move on and it wasn't just from what he did to Meredith … but from what was done to him and his part in what made all of that happen._

_He had to forgive himself first._

_He had already let go of Addison's indiscretions as much as he could. He came to terms with her, he had an obligation to try, and he did … even though it was a futile effort – an internal moral battle – knowing his heart had already belonged to Meredith. And now that he was going to work with Addison indefinitely, he really needed to put it all aside, personal woes had no place at the hospital, he'd learned that much._

_And as angry as he was with Mark – it seemed he wasn't going anywhere either – not from Seattle anyway. Plus what happened between them didn't change the fact that Mark was his brother. Derek knew he was going to have to work on that relationship – work on his forgiveness, just like Meredith worked to forgive him –at least he owed it to himself to try._

Derek smiled, thinking of Meredith's earlier professions – _that they had made it here, to this moment in time_ – despite the multitude of obstacles they faced. She was also right that he wouldn't take back where they were with each other right now for anything. He chuckled, once again looking forward to a future with Meredith and anyone else who should come along.

"Here you go, one mango smoothie," Terry said, he placed an elegant champagne flute down on the table. The men scrutinized the drink, seemingly filled with mango smoothie, complete with a dollop of whipped cream on the top.

Derek smiled. "No alcohol, right?" he confirmed.

"Right, just mango and vanilla ice cream," Terry nodded.

Peter smiled. "Looks good," he said. "Thank you, Terry, can you add all of this to our meal tab?" he asked.

"Sure thing," he said.

"This is for you buddy," Peter said with appreciation as he handed Terry some bills.

"See you next time Dr. Jackman, thanks," he said and then disappeared.

"So … now all you have to do is ask Meredith … about Bali," Peter said conspiratorially as the men stepped away from the bar, drinks in hand as they navigated their way back to the table.

"Yeah and soon …," Derek said with a broad smile as they arrived at the table.

Derek set the mango smoothie down in front of Meredith and her head flew up and back, striking him with her bright green eyes as she met his gaze, her laughter filling the air around them.

"Derek," she said breathlessly, staring up at him.

He leaned down and pressed a kiss over her lips … _hmm, he was home_. "I love you," he whispered, but all he could focus on was her giggle as he sat down next to her with a smile that wouldn't quit.

***

Hours later the foursome had finished their meals plus a healthy sampling of the dessert menu. Clean dessert plates, coffee and tea cups were scattered across the table – _'a storm of consumption'_ – as Peter termed it … nothing but debris now, evidence of a good meal with excellent company.

Meredith's hand found Derek's thigh under the table and it wasn't long before his hand found hers, he pressed down and she gave him a sidelong glance – _just a flicker of her sexy eyes darted his way_ – as she continued to laugh over the latest round of Peter's antics.

"Is that so?" Larissa challenged, her flushed cheeks a near match to the color of her crimson dress following her latest burst of laughter, her raucous husband … the devilish source.

"Yes lover," he answered, his face happy, his eyes dancing as they fell on her. "Tell me, would I ever fool on you?" he asked mischievously.

"Well," she said casually with a smirk. "Somehow, we're married," she teased and he laughed big.

"If I recall, it was _you_ who asked _me_ in the end," he teased right back. "Didn't you?" he ribbed, his face full of childish glee.

Larissa turned to Meredith and winked, moving her blond wavy hair out of her eyes. "Only because he fooled me with his unstoppable charm," she laughed, her cheeks still red, but her dazzling blue eyes were soft around the edges.

"Oh Larissa my peach," Peter cooed as he laughed. "Tell me again that you would have said _'yes'_ had I asked you first," he said; his voice softer now. Larissa blushed. "Tell me again my angel," he whispered; leaning into her, she batted her long lashes, but had obviously already melted inside … still powerless to his charm.

"Oh lover," she sighed. "Of course I would have …," she laughed. "I was just –"

"Impatient, tenacious, full of lust," Peter laughed as he rattled on.

"I was all of the above darling," she said softly, reaching up, she placed her hand along his handsome face. "I was …I was weak for you … I just wanted a future with you," she said truthfully before she kissed him, _soft and quick_.

_Derek laced his fingers through Meredith's, vying for her eye now as he looked away from Peter and Larissa and focused on her instead. Meredith was captivated by the interaction between the married lovers and could only hope to be as deeply in love with Derek in ten years time. She smiled, turning to Derek briefly, before she turned back to their friends._

_Peter followed Larissa's gaze and watched her wink at Meredith – the women speaking in code now, no words necessary – it was quite fascinating, really. He turned his attention to Derek and found him gazing at Meredith – pure adoration in his eyes – he smiled, happy now for his old friend, hoping that he and Meredith would go the distance and make it work between them and on that thought he spoke up._

"So speaking of the future," he said, all eyes turned to him. "What's next for the _'terrific trio'_ here?" he asked, glancing at Derek who just shook his head.

Meredith smiled, although her heart banged around in her chest for a good few seconds. "Well," she chuckled nervously, moving her hand down to cover her belly. "I um …," she glanced at Derek and swallowed hard. "I can't leave Owen all alone on Bali," she said softly, moving her hand up to push her hair away from her face a bit, she kept her eyes on Peter and he only smiled. "So … I'll have to go back within the next day or so …," her voice trailed off, this wasn't exactly how she planned to ask Derek, but there seemed to be no time like the present so she turned to him. "And –"

"And … I'm coming with you," he said softly, taking her hand in his. He pressed his lips together and smiled.

"Wait, what?" she asked, she opened her mouth and nothing else came out. She closed her mouth and cocked her head.

Derek leaned into her warmth, gathering words for what he wanted to say, _ask her, ask her_, he coached himself. He smiled weakly. "I ah … I asked Peter to make a call," he chuckled. "So – _if you'll have me … I'm yours_ – I mean, I am already … forever … but on Bali too, I want to go with you to work the assignment," he said carefully, watching as her cheeks blushed right in front of his eyes.

Meredith turned away from Derek, tears collecting in her eyes. She looked across the table. "Can we have a second?" she asked Larissa and Peter.

Peter nodded; an encouraging smile adorned his face. He stood and held his hand out for Larissa. "Come my peach, lets dance," he said, dripping with charm.

"But Peter, love …," she giggled. "There's no music," she said languidly, already wrapped in his embrace.

"That's never stopped us before, darling," he laughed like the devil as he led her a few feet away. Meredith watched them sway in each other's arms, deciding she could watch them forever.

"Derek," she sighed. "I was going to ask you … tonight," she explained. "And trust me, there's nothing I want more, but …,"

"But nothing," Derek sighed. "Meredith, for once … don't you see, for once there are no obstacles," he said, smiling with relief, because it was true … finally there was nothing to stop them from realizing their potential.

"Are you sure … your job … your career …," she whispered, her heart shaking now.

"What job?" he joked, leaning in, he pressed his lips over hers, breathing her in, trying to calm her without words. She leaned into him, pumping his lips, _once, twice; _she tasted of dark chocolate and mango. "Everything will work out," he said, pulling away. "You'll see … you have twenty-five days remaining there and I know it's important to you," he smiled.

"It really is," she said, her voice trembling like a heavy ripe tomato on a vine about to fall.

"Seattle will always be there," Derek muttered, locking his eyes on hers. "We'll go back … when the time is right … okay," he said. "And I'm pretty sure I can get my job back … the Board wouldn't hold it for me indefinitely, but now that I can give Richard a time frame … the timing might be alright," he soothed.

"We'll go back when the time is right," she repeated. "You're really sure about this," she stated with a bright smile, hardly able to control her spinning head as she lost herself in the wild blue ocean of his eyes.

"Look," Derek said, kissing her once more, her lips warm and inviting. "I can't let you go without me – _call me archaic, call me crazy_ – but I want to keep you out of harm's way," he said softly, caressing her face. "Plus I'll go nuts if you go alone … and I can't very well ask you _not_ to go…," he rambled on, catching the amused smile on Meredith's face.

"I love you," she sighed, flanking his skull in her hands, she brought his lips to hers and kissed him with everything she had in her.

"I love you too," he said against her lips. "It'll be better this way, we'll take care of each other," he said, gazing into her endless green eyes.

Larissa and Peter danced up to the table then. They peered down at the reunited lovers. "So it's a go then?" Peter asked.

"It's a go," Meredith smiled. "Thank you Peter _– hey wait_ – does Owen already know about this?" she asked.

"Yes, we've spoken about it," he said as the dancers sat down again.

"Why?" Derek asked Meredith.

"Oh, nothing, I got a voicemail from him earlier, he said something and then kind of stopped himself … it makes sense now though," she said with a smile.

"Now _there's_ a man who needs a woman in his future," Larissa mused. "I'd love for him to find a match, although with the life he keeps – _assignment to assignment_ – I wonder if he'll ever meet someone," she thought aloud.

"Larissa, darling," Peter said, pressing his arm on her forearm. "I've told you, when he's done _surviving_ … and stops hiding, he'll be ready – _no sense in rushing that_ – am I right?" he asked the table at large, and for once, all the players could nod in agreement.

Meredith relaxed into Derek's warmth, his arm still around her now as a gust of cooler nighttime air swept through the courtyard. She stifled a yawn and watched Larissa reach down beneath the table.

"Meredith darling, I know you must be getting tired," she said as she handed Meredith a large elaborately wrapped gift. "But this is for you … and for you too Derek," she said, her eyes twinkling.

"Larissa, what on earth?" Meredith asked.

"Go ahead, open it Meredith," Peter said, his happiness evident.

Meredith's face lit up as she pulled on the thick ecru bow. She glanced at Derek who shrugged, more than happy to simply enjoy Meredith's enthusiasm. She pulled the paper off, placed it on the table and read the label on the box – _HearTones Elite Baby Doppler – _she looked up and smiled from ear to ear, catching Larissa and Peter's genuine eyes with hers.

"With this device, at around twelve weeks, you'll be able to hear the baby's heartbeat yourselves, just follow the instructions," Larissa said, catching the happiness in the eyes of her new friends. "It runs on a battery and despite the size of the box, it's rather small and portable," she said with a satisfied smile. "Oh and I stuck a couple of extra batteries inside the box for you," she added, seeming to think of everything.

"Wow," Derek said, shaking his head once again at the generosity and thoughtfulness of his old friend and his lovely wife. "Thanks, it'll be a comfort to have this on the island," he said, unforeseen relief consuming him now.

"Yes …thanks," Meredith stood, stepping around the table where she met Larissa halfway, the two women hugged. "Thank you … so much," Meredith whispered to Larissa, her eyes glassy now, she just couldn't help it.

"It's our pleasure," she said pulling away. "And hey, remember _lover-boy_ and I are only a three hour flight away – _so you come back, if you need something_ – _anything_, even if it's for a good burger … we're always here," Larissa joked, but Meredith saw the sincerity coming through.

Derek stood. "Really, I can't thank you enough," he said, stretching his hand out for Peter's. The two men embraced – _as men tend do by slapping one another on the back_ – all their gestures made with complete sincerity of course.

And as the foursome stood idly chatting for several more minutes, Derek couldn't help but wonder what would be in store for them on Bali. With Meredith's knowledge and acceptance of his clandestine plans, he actually couldn't help but feel excited for their new adventure. Now, if only he could get Meredith back to the hotel without ripping her dress off, he'd be in good shape. Because who was he kidding –_ great meal and even greater company_ _aside _– all _this_ third of the _'terrific trio'_ really wanted was a little private time with the love of his life.

**Chapter 13 – A New Day Has Come – Part 3 of 3 to follow.**


	29. Chapter 13, A New Day Has Come, P3

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al. **

**Author's Note: Thanks for the continued interest … enjoy and please tell me what you think. I know for many the parts of this story with erotic content tend to impede the likelihood of the reader in pressing review button, but there's always a PM … :) **

**Chapter 13 – A New Day Has Come – Part 3 of 3**

"_Let the rain come down and wash away my tears."_

The rain came down in sheets as Meredith and Derek ran for the full length of the last block back to the hotel. It came down so hard and so fast they barely had visibility at all – _plus_ _they were soaked_ – really, there was almost no point in running anymore and for some odd reason neither one could stop laughing. Meredith felt a cramp in her side – _full well knowing it was from running and laughing and heaving _– she knew she needed to slow down and now that she could see the hotel just up ahead she did just that. Derek slowed down simultaneously; he draped his free hand around her, holding the gift bag with the Doppler and her clutch in the other. She looked up and into the wet and gray and unforgiving sky for a half of a second and thought of Seattle.

"You okay?" Derek asked breathlessly, although he doubted she could hear him over the pounding rain. He drew her closer and asked again. "Everything alright?" he asked into her ear as he stole a glance at her – _she was focused, walking slower, the rain nothing but a veil over her striking side profile_ – he put his hand on her wet neck and rubbed. She looked to him.

"Yeah," she said, just as breathless as he. "I just have a cramp," she said, focusing on her steps again as they entered the shelter of the carport, finally out of the rain.

"A cramp? Where?" he asked, stopping all together now … a storm brewing deep within his beautiful eyes as he searched hers for reassurance. He stepped closer and reached up to move her matted hair away from her face. She leaned into his touch; her sweet damp essence wafted up and swirled into the heavy air in between them. Derek smiled weakly.

"A stitch … a stitch from running and laughing," she said with a small smile, reaching up she ran her hand along his wet face. "It's almost gone now," she solidified, pulling on his hand. They walked through the automatic doors and into the expansive lobby, the concierge waved to them as they headed to the elevators. They stopped; Derek pressed the call button for the elevator and turned into Meredith. She leaned in and kissed his cold wet lips, he tasted like rain and scotch and coffee.

"Meredith," he sighed, he knew she was fine, he was just getting used to the idea of her pregnancy. He smiled – _she's pregnant, she's pregnant, she's pregnant_ – he secretly marveled, his heart raged on with happiness.

"Derek," Meredith sighed with a small smile. "I'm perfectly fine," she laughed, his concern was adorable … for now. "Remember," she giggled. "I was _made_ to make babies," she teased, kissing him again.

_He pulled her even closer, snaking his free hand down to her lower back, the slinky material of her dress left no secrets to reveal now as it stuck to her skin like a glove, his hand brushed along her toned tush and he smiled._

"Hmm, only my babies," he whispered, kissing her, darting his tongue into her mouth – _just a taste was all he really needed_ – until they got upstairs anyway. He smiled, the elevator doors opened and they stepped inside.

"_Where there was weakness, I found my strength."_

_Meredith was on him the second the heavy doors closed, her hands sprawled along his chest through his wet cotton shirt, her heart on fire, his husky voice rippling through her head now –'only my babies' – as she attacked him with her lips, pressing his back against the side wall as she did. Derek slid his hand over to the panel and selected their floor, before he set the bag down and pulled Meredith closer, not even a millimeter between them now. The air in the small space became damp and heated immediately – their hot gasps of air, wet clothing and fever-pricked skin – the cause, her sweet essence stuck to his nostrils like glue – it was all he could breathe – it was all he ever wanted to breathe._

The elevator chimed announcing their arrival and the lovers all but stumbled from their temporary enclave, mouths still attached, hearts and minds aligned, arm in arm now – _walking and kissing, kissing and walking _– as they went down the hallway. They stopped just outside the doorway to the suite – _the 'do not disturb sign' still prominently on display … exactly where they left it_ – Derek pulled away, fumbling to for the key card, finding it difficult to focus with Meredith lips pulling at his earlobe … with her hot breath fanning his neck … with her nimble fingers working on the buttons of his shirt. After a moment, he somehow managed to slip the key card into the door and turn the handle.

Within seconds the door closed behind them and the energy between them changed … the desperation gone now – _replaced by slower, more deliberate movements_ – all was quiet and peaceful, save for the tufts of their breathing. Derek looked up; everything was how they left it, the darkened hallway only slightly illuminated by the small light in the living room and the bedside table lamp in the bedroom. He let the gift bag fall to the ground and began to move Meredith down the darkened hallway to the bedroom. He stopped at the doorway, slipped his shoes off and crossed the room only to disappear into the bathroom. He came out a second later with a clean bright white towel and draped it over Meredith's shoulders. She stared into his endless gateways and put her hands on Derek's hips, her best attempt to ground herself.

"_I've been touched by an angel with love."_

Derek held her face in his warmer hands, a prisoner of his desire for her – _wondering how the hell he deserved this moment at all_ – he smiled; nothing but two pounding hearts between them now. Slowly he leaned in and touched his lips to hers, his fingers dancing along the smooth skin of her face – _his idol, his lifeline, his angel_ – as he closed his eyes and kissed her fully … once again marveling at the feeling of her nerves pulsing under his touch. Meredith opened her mouth and swept her tongue along the familiar groove of his, humming with appreciation as she did – _never moving her mouth from his, she unfastened his pants _– wasting no time before she reached inside his boxers and stroked his already burgeoning hard on.

_Oh God, how she loved and missed his cock. Her pussy wet with desire after only one stroke. Nothing came close – just the feeling of his velvety smooth skin, the sensuality and familiarity of him, her untamed want and need for him –she was sure nothing came close and nothing ever would. Never. Ever._

Derek pulled away and grasped her wrist – _entering a silent plea for her to stop_ – she obliged; only to hear his labored breathing and find his deep eyes – _his soul on display now_ – she smiled, her heart on fire – _a sharp contrast to her skin_ – which was still cold and damp. Meredith wanted nothing more than to _move_, to take her dress off, to undress him – _but she was somehow stuck in his eyes_ – his voice funneled through her head again, _'only my babies'_ he said, and again all she could do was smile.

"Your lips are blue," Derek muttered before kissing her, his lips warm and inviting and familiar … like coming home. "I want you out of this dress," he husked, his fingers moving inside the plunging neckline, making contact with her sensitive nipples as he guided her into the bedroom. "Do you want a warm shower?" he asked; his hands moving up to her damp tresses.

"No," she said softly. "I only want you, you're all I need," she added, a soft smile covered her face as she began working at his buttons again, her damp heavy hair falling forward as she focused on her task. She reached the bottom of his shirt and pushed it back over his shoulders. Her lips found his neck while his lips found her earlobe – _she took a deep breath of him in_ – God, she could never get enough of this man.

Derek moved his fingers back up and slipped Meredith's dress from her shoulders, allowing it to fall to her waist; the white towel also fell to the floor – _a wordless surrender for all that was about to happen_ – she shivered in response. And with that she moved to close the small distance between them, her nipples cutting across Derek's muscular chest as she did – _skin on skin contact_ – there was nothing like it. Derek's hands found Meredith's hips and he gently pushed her dress and panties down over her perfectly plump derriere. She stepped out of her clothing and into his space – _her heart quivering, her endless dreams of a night such as this all within reach now_ – as she forged ahead, pushing her hands inside his boxer shorts, she grasped his cock, holding him steady as he pushed his pants down. They too, fell to the floor … he too, stepped from them.

_Free from clothing, the lovers moved to the bed without looking back._

Derek held the covers back and Meredith slipped inside the bed, he followed suit. He pulled the blanket up and over them and his hands went to work on Meredith's damp skin – _caressing, rubbing, massaging_ – anything to warm her up, '_I only want you'_ came the soft timbre of her voice inside his head again. He situated himself along her side, _'you're all I need,'_ came her voice again as he draped his thigh over hers knees before he ducked under the blanket and began to press small wet kisses to her neck and chest.

"_Derek,"_ came her sigh, she held his head in her hands, but he pressed on, gently swirling his tongue around each of her sensitive nipples – _having been_ _starved of the taste of her skin for so long_ – he simply couldn't stop himself from driving them both wild.

_Meredith writhed under his touch as he moved down to her abdomen, sweeping his fingers over her soft skin there, his eyes closed on his private moment … this moment in time – his lips pressed gently over their miracle – tears pricked his eyes – finally lost, finally found – breathing easy now … despite the damp darkness of the air under the blanket._

Derek moved his hand down, sweeping his fingers through her mound – _Meredith raised her opposite leg, giving her silent consent _– while he waited for a beat before brushing the pad of his thumb against her fat clit – _back and forth_ – he went, moving the nub of her pleasure point gently under his thumb, wanting nothing more than to devour it.

He pressed his ear to her abdomen – _the sweet essence of her sex wafted up and covered him like a cloak_ – but Derek was no match for her instinctual prowess and in an instant he was hopelessly intoxicated. He moved his thumb over her clit and gently pressed it into her slippery channel – _in and out_ – he went, his hand covered with her elixir now.

"_Where it was dark now there's light."_

Only then did he feel Meredith tug on his head, her long fingers submersed in his damp hair. With her request in mind he cupped one hand over her mound and left it there while he pressed his lips up her body – _first her abdomen again, then stopping briefly to tug in each ripe rosy nipple, then the sensitive skin of her fuller breasts_ – only to come from under the blanket and find her eyes closed and her beautiful face etched with that tortured look of pleasurable bliss.

Derek smiled, she never looked more beautiful. He leaned up and pressed a kiss to her lips, her hand found his cock, she held on for dear life and opened her eyes, her gateways full of deep evergreen lust – _and it was in that moment that Derek all but melted out of his skin_ – for he was sure he fell in love with Meredith Grey all over again.

"I love you," she whispered, tears gathering in her eyes as she spoke. She shook her head and covered her eyes with her opposite forearm.

Derek leaned up, feeling her fingers still around his cock – _her thumb pressed over his opening_ – his hand still cupped over her mound. He kissed her neck and moved his free hand up her body, traveling along her darker skin and perfect curves only to tug on her forearm. "And I love you," he sighed. "There's no hiding from me," he said and she chuckled breathlessly before she opened her eyes. "This is real," he whispered, somehow guessing what she needed to hear.

"Derek," she whispered, moving her hands to his back, she tugged. He moved further up and kissed her senseless, all the while she took his hand and moved it down to her pussy again. "This is real," she whispered, repeating his words. "I'm on fire for you," she said as she pulled away for a beat before she plunged her mouth over his once more, moaning as he dipped one of his long surgeon's fingers into her molten depths.

"_Let it fill my soul and drown my fears."_

Meredith sighed with satisfaction … she wanted Derek – _she more than needed him and not just physically_ – but spiritually as well. She craved their connection, she longed to have him inside of her – _she wanted nothing more than for him to fill her up in the way that only he could_ – full of love and promise and passion.

_Meredith found Derek's eyes and was lost once again before he trailed teeny tiny kisses back down the length of her body, over her hip bones, biting at her inner thighs and behind her knees before trailing his wet mouth back up to his prize. Meredith reached for him as he spread her wet folds back and covered her pussy with his mouth._

_Once entrenched, Derek French kissed her there for a long while, simply taking all she would offer, her hips pressing up and into his face – his tongue sweeping into her depths, her wails of satisfaction filling the air all around them – her mango-infused juice running down his throat._

_In an untamed feeding frenzy he brought her to a fast climax, her muscles clenched hard around his tongue and fingers while he lapped and lapped at her seam siphoning her elixir and flicking her clit over and over again with the tip of his tongue until she squeezed his on his skull with her knees, holding him steady where she needed him most while her final breathless call of praise for him hung in the air all around them._

_He kissed the interior of her thighs, stopping to nip at her ripe pussy and run his fat tongue up and down her seam one last time before he traveled up her body, pressing tiny kisses to her belly button before he came up and kissed her lips._

"You're beautiful Meredith," he whispered, holding her head in his hands. "I missed that … everything about that," he said before kissing her swollen lips. He smiled; the essence of her still on his tongue and all over his face. "And you taste like mango," he said breathlessly and she giggled – _her face flushed, her orgasm aftershocks washing over her still_ – as she opened her eyes and struck him down with the endless beauty of her sparkling gateways.

"I need you," she whispered, her heart in flames as she reached down for his cock, holding it in her fist now. "I just want you, Derek … for …," she said, her voice trailing off – _her eyes closed in bliss as tiny orgasms pinging her nerve-endings again _– fever pricked her skin, she blushed under his scrutiny.

_Derek moved up and in between her legs as she held his cock at heaven's gate for a split-second before she moved his hard muscle up and down her silky wet folds. Damn, she felt so fucking good; he almost came on the spot!_

"For … ever and ever and ever …," Derek finished for her, catching her dark eyes with his, holding her there for a beat.

"Forever and ever … yes, yes …," Meredith muttered, her fingers wrapped around the sensitive head of his cock now as she slowly guided him into her hot fleshy depths.

"Hmm, perfection," Derek husked, unable and unwilling to move for the moment, he kissed her neck and chest, ducking down, he swirled his tongue around her nipples as she spread her thighs for him and he continued to fill her up. "Your skin alone," he muttered. "I've missed you … loved you …for … ever," his voice trailing off as he plucked her sensitive nubs with this lips. She wiggled under his touch, pulling his face up to kiss his lips.

"And I love you," she said – _her voice trembled as he quietly filled her to the brink_ – his cock deep and ready and finally all hers. "There's only you Derek …_make it real_," she sighed, completely lost in the moment with him as they fell in love with each other over and over and over again.

"_Where there was pain now there's joy."_

"Forever," he muttered, moving his arms around her head, leaning down, he pressed tiny kisses to her neck, breathing her in as the world indeed fell away.

"Forever," she sighed, raising her knees up as he pressed down and into her depths… once again creating their perfect fit.

_And in that moment, Derek held his breath on their professions – for their soul connection was restored – and they were finally complete. Without moving inside of her, he leaned down and pumped his lips over Meredith's. She deepened their kiss without hesitation, her juice trickling from her pussy, wafting up and into the air all around them … intoxicating them, making it real. His rock hard cock nestled safely inside of her, finally right where he belonged, for all time._

_And in that moment, the angry sea of her green eyes fell on the deep blue sea of his and they held each other captive, allowing the world to stop once again – treasuring this time in quiet the eye of the storm and __this one time__ with each other above all other times – for in this moment they had become more than lovers …_

_She had become his life, his lifeline, his angel, his everything …_

_He had become her life, her lifeline, her angel, her everything …_

_Because they had transcended above all else to arrive here – just inside heaven's gate – at the precipice of their future – with their baby, their miracle, their flesh and blood housed deep within her – and it was the most beautiful spiritual connection either one had ever imagined._

Meredith smiled and clasped her feet low around Derek's back. "Make love to me Derek," she whispered moving her head up, she grabbed his lips with hers and pressed her tongue into his depths, holding onto his skull for dear life as Derek finally began to pulse in and out of her channel, thoroughly igniting her core as only he could.

"_All in the eyes of a boy."_

"Hmm, you feel … so good … so wet and sticky," Derek husked into her mouth _– his tongue sweeping across hers_ – a deep shiver passing up and down her spine as his hot breath attacked her and pricked her skin with heat, her pussy drenching him in response.

_Derek smiled – relishing in the feeling of skin on skin contact with her – something he secretly loved about that night at the Prom, her muscles clenching around his with nothing in between them – no barriers, no walls – it was a beautiful night, a beautiful way to conceive of the miracle of 'them', he silently mused._

"Only for you …," Meredith sighed. "Skin on skin, oh my …Derek," she cried, unable to utter a cohesive thought – _treading water now as he gently pounded away_ – her wet pussy lubricating their machine – _her deep need for him finally satisfied _– forcing her to arrive at this delicious thought: _she could make love to Derek without anything between them now, no condom, no barrier, no secret feelings … no secrets, period … for now and forever._

_Derek moved her hands above her head and held her there, effectively pinning her beneath him – skin on skin – chest to breast. He felt her relinquish her control, only to demand more by rocking her hips up and back – she wanted him deeper, he could tell that much. Derek quickened his pace in response – for it seemed she needed him like he needed her – it was almost animalistic, except that it wasn't, it was so much more than that, for it was love – intellectually, physically, spiritually – on all accounts it was pure love and adoration personified – and that was the only way to describe his feelings for this woman – his Meredith, his everything._

"I'll never grow tired of this," Derek muttered. "Making love with you," he said; his voice softer now. "I love you," he whispered into her ear.

"Oh, deeper …," Meredith cooed. "I love you … so much," she said, fighting the undertow of bliss to open her eyes and find her buoy again.

_And so she did … find him, and so much more as Derek slowed his tempo for a beat before he grabbed her hand and snaked it in between them – pressing her fingers over her sopping wet clit, leaving his there on top as they began to massage her sticky engorged nub together – Meredith's hips came off the bed –God, she wanted to come – she wanted to flood him with everything she had in her – but instead she remained hopelessly lost, teetering on the edge of bliss now, held captive by Derek's penetrating eyes – her hips flew up again in response, but Derek just smiled and kept on pumping, slow and easy – filling her up, inch by inch – a perfect fit, every single time._

"See what we do to each other?" he asked, taking her hand away from her clit. "You fuel my fire …," he sighed, bringing her hand up to his mouth. "I need you on my tongue," he husked as he slipped her fingers into his mouth and sucked them dry.

_Meredith pulled his hand away and plunged her lips over his – opening her thighs wider, accepting more of his cock into her depths – Derek quickened his pace once more as Meredith lapped at his tongue like a kitty at a bowl of milk – he was right, she tasted of mango – and suddenly her fire became wild and she just couldn't get enough. Never. Ever._

"Derek," she pleaded into his mouth. "I need you deeper … I want it … _you_, just you … only you," she panted, her eyes glued on his – _giving herself to him completely_ – like clay to a sculptor – _she was malleable_ – nothing more than putty in his hands.

_Derek scooped her calves under his forearms and leaned down and into his lifeline, plunging his cock in and out of her waiting depths over and over and over again until he felt the merciless clenching of her delicate muscles as they began to milk him dry. Meredith reached down and gently ran her fingertips over his sack, massaging him there, bringing him to a screaming orgasm in a matter of seconds._

"Meredith!" came his warbled tortured cry as he smacked into her one last time before his cock filled with blood and the power of the storm within him was pushed out to sea once and for all –_as the waves of his seeds crashed into the shoreline of her waiting depths for only the second time_ – of what would become a lifetime of furious orgasms they would share.

_All Meredith felt was Derek slam into her as her muscles went to work on his rod, clenching – down, down, down – taking everything he had and oh so much more._

_All Derek could smell was the sweet, intoxicating essence of them as it wafted up and hung in the thick air of love and passionate haze that surrounded them._

_All Meredith could see was Derek – his handsome face, flushed with intense passion, his wild deep eyes … his dewy forehead pressed against hers – her lover (and so much more) once again._

_All Derek could see was Meredith – the beautiful aura of her hovering like a halo around the angelic crown of her head, she was positively glowing – his lover (and so much more) once again._

_The lovers floated into bliss, holding onto each other for dear life, breathlessly chanting terms of endearment to each other over and over and over again …_

_Professions and confessions of love, love and more love encapsulated them now … all the perfect storms having washed out to the deep sea of bliss …_

_Leaving them behind, for it was true – they had survived after all – only to remain wrapped around each other, the energy of them protecting and saving them once more …_

_For they were strong and whole and healed, they were bonded, fused, linked, connected and undeterred … finally together and happy and right where they were meant to be …_

… _locked away high above that magical garden on that island in the middle of the ocean – holding, kissing, loving and sexing each other –with only their precious miracle between them now._

"_And the world thought I had it all, but I was waiting for you."_

***

Derek was gently pulled from his colorful dreamscapes – _lulled and rocked and rocked and lulled now _– he felt weightless, like he was on a trim boat in the middle of the ocean, just floating aimlessly, resting easy with his aching muscles and bones from his games with Meredith last night. He slowly rolled onto his side, instinctually seeking her comforting heat, but quickly opened his eyes to the new day when he did not feel her in bed. The clock on the bedside table glowed ominously announcing the unforgiveable hour of 4:54 AM. Derek sighed and pulled the sheet back, swung his feet over the side of the bed and stood before he realized he did not wake up with the appendectomy nightmare on his mind or in his heart.

_Well, I'll be damned, he thought with a wry smile._

He crossed the room, rubbing his hands over his face, forcing himself to wake up despite the dark hour. A fleeting thought coursed through his mind then – _maybe he had turned the corner, maybe focusing on the future with Meredith and learning to forgive himself for his mistakes_ – would help dissolve that nightmare for good, or at least keep it at bay for now. He grabbed a fresh pair of boxers and a tee shirt from his bag, slipped the articles on and left the bedroom in search of Meredith.

Cold air pricked his sleepy skin as he walked down the hallway and into the living room only to find the space empty. The balcony doors were closed. A small amount of light came from the reading lamp next to the lounge chairs. He crossed the room and was relieved when he saw a line of light coming from the vanity bathroom, the door was ajar. He glanced down at the papers on the table, a note card size envelope addressed to _Meredith Grey_ and then the label on the file: _Dr. Ellis Grey, Irrevocable Living Trust. _Derek pondered Ellis' death for a moment. He took a deep breath and only then did he hear Meredith vomit. He moved to stand just outside the bathroom door. He knocked gently.

"Meredith," he said softly.

"_I'm okay,"_ came the echo of her voice, she sounded far away.

"Can I come in?" he asked, saying a small prayer that she would let him help her.

"_I'm done,"_ she said. _"I'll be out in a sec,"_ she called out to him.

Derek wanted nothing more than to burst into the room and hold her hair back and soothe and comfort her, because that's what men did in these situations – _they held hair back and offered words of encouragement_ – because they were totally helpless and ill at ease. But Derek didn't want to be helpless and he didn't want Meredith to feel that way either, he reluctantly turned away from the door and quickly headed back to the bedroom.

He flipped the bathroom light on and found Meredith's toothbrush and applied some toothpaste to the brush. He exited the bathroom and crossed the room to the closet, recalling a stack of cashmere blankets on one of the shelves. He pulled a camel colored blanket down, closed the door exited the room and was back in front of the bathroom door within one or two minutes all tolled. He heard the water running and pushed the door open ever so slightly.

Meredith was splashing water on her face as he opened the door. She was wearing a heather gray tank top and a black pair of yoga pants … she leaned forward on the counter to scrutinize her reflection. Steam wafted up from the hot water as she pressed on the puffy skin just under her eyes.

"Hey," he said softly, stepping into the room. Meredith smiled, her tired eyes sparkling now as she gazed at him. "I thought you might want your toothbrush," he said coming to stand behind her; he placed it on the edge of the sink and saw her smile.

"It's better this way," she said, watching him through the mirror as he draped the warm cashmere blanket over her shoulders, leaving his hands there on the damp skin of her neck. His heat warmed her up, she reached up and put her hand over his on her right shoulder and smiled weakly. "If I spend a couple of minutes getting all the bile and acid up before I do anything or eat anything … it seems better," she explained with a weak smile.

"So … it's the baby and not your mother's Will?" he asked, eliciting a giggle from his girl. She just shook her head and said _'I love you'_ with her eyes.

"This is all baby," she smiled. "The Will is the Will Derek … I had someone bring it up, I couldn't sleep," she said with a resigned sigh. "And I'm okay," she breathed. "You were with her and Cristina too … it's just enough to know she's not lost anymore," she smiled, maintaining her hold on Derek's eyes and he knew she really was … okay.

"I'll give you a minute," Derek chuckled, before moving her hair away from her neck only to blow on her hot flesh there.

"My mother …," she said, finding his eyes in the mirror again. "She left a letter for me, it's a small note card," she said softly. "Why don't you read it and I'll be out in a second," she added. He nodded – _feeling so proud of her_ – he smiled and exited the room.

"_A new day has...come."_

Meredith watched him go and then grabbed her toothbrush; she ran it under the water, turned the faucet off and began to brush her teeth, cleansing the lingering acid from her mouth. She meant what she said to Derek – _she was okay_ – more than okay and it was really enough to know that he mother wouldn't have to live or _half-live_ for an unimaginable amount of time being a lost person. It was devastating – _what happened to her mind, she was a brilliant woman, she was a legend in her own time and then one day … she just wasn't_ – there was no other word to describe it … the whole thing was more than sad … and now it was just over. She rinsed her mouth on that thought and patted her face dry.

_She had the letter – which was a gift – in and of itself; it was more than any material item her mother could have given to her … because in the end, it was a small part of her, this slice of evidence that she did exist and that she had deep feelings for her daughter. Deep lucid feelings._

Meredith smiled and exited the bathroom to find Derek outside on the balcony. She wrapped the blanket around her small frame and pulled on the sliding glass door to open it and join her lover. The concrete was cold on her feet, the predawn wind was crisp and fresh, but Meredith was so warm in her heart she barely felt it. She pushed her way through the wind and came to stand next to Derek as he folded the note card and slipped it back into the envelope. He turned into her and she brought the blanket around them both. She looked out over the ocean and watched as the sky became a shade lighter … a grayish-lavender hue now. She reached up and pressed a kiss to Derek's neck, breathing him in as she did, he pressed his chin down on her head, his hot breath found a pathway and traveled down her back.

"Nice letter," he said into the wind.

"Yes," she agreed, her mind floating over her mother's eloquent, yet simple message. "She wanted this … what we have …," Meredith said, her voice trailing off.

"Yes, she did," Derek agreed, drawing her closer, tears pricked his eyes … his mind stumbling over Richard.

Meredith rested her ear against Derek's chest and listened to his heart muscle work. She smiled, lulled by the familiarity and comfort of his natural rhythm. "She wanted this for me too … our brand of happiness," she said softly _– boom-boom_ – went Derek's heart.

"Yes, she did," Derek agreed again.

And as the lovers held each other, each watching the sky become lighter as time ticked on, each marveling over Ellis' message – _'find happiness, be extraordinary, be someone you're proud of, find a lover who understands you, be a mother… __really__, __truly__, when the time comes, fight for yourself and be strong … because I know you are and I know you will be all of this and so much more, for you already are'_ – and while her words were safely tucked back inside the envelope from whence they came, the point is … that they came – _that Ellis Grey somehow became a mother for her daughter at the eleventh hour_ – and it was enough … it was enough for Meredith to have those words forevermore.

"_A new day has...come."_

"Meredith," Derek said after a minute or so. "What do you want to do today?" he asked, all was quiet for a beat before her giggle filled the air between them.

"You," she laughed and so did he. Pulling back, he was struck by her happy endless eyes.

He leaned down, her lips begging to be kissed and he did just that. "Besides me," he said against her mouth. "Hmm minty," he laughed as he pressed deeper onto her lips.

Meredith pulled away first, she looked up – _smiling at the twists and turns of their fate_ – she reached up and pressed a kiss to Derek's neck once more. "I just want you …," she laughed breathlessly. "I know we should go to the national park or take a walk even …," her voice trailed off, she lay her head down on Derek's chest again – _boom-boom_ – went his heart.

"But you don't want to leave this space," he stated simply.

"No … and neither do you," she replied, inching closer, Derek's hands moved up her back to her neck and then into her wild blond locks, he moved her head back and looked down and into her eyes.

"No, I don't … I just want you," he said softly before he brushed his lips against hers, breathing her sweet essence in, relishing in their proximity and the heat pooling in his core from just one kiss.

"Shower, breakfast, bed …," Meredith muttered, completely lost within his embrace, the energy of them, their power, muting her senses already.

"Shower, breakfast, bed …," Derek repeated as he pulled away to look at her once more.

_They turned and watched the ocean become alive, the morning sun rays dancing along the low-tide waves … the flecks of movement, small trillions of sparkling diamonds now covered the water's surface as the new day was born._

"Look at that Derek," Meredith whispered into the wind, her mind on Bali … the village, the tragic beauty, the countless possibilities for rebirth.

"It's gorgeous," he agreed, his mind rolling over the view of the sunrise over the water, the view from the cabin … _Meredith's sunrise, _he smiled.

"It's endless … it's the end of the earth," she sighed, taking in the natural wonder sprawled out in front of them.

"Hmm … it is," he muttered. "Remember – _to the end of the earth, Meredith_ – I'd follow you there … if it's out there, I'm there with you," Derek rambled softly.

"I know, I remember," she sighed and then all was quiet. "Rest today … Bali is calling …," she said softly into her lover's chest – _boom-boom_ – he answered wordlessly for a beat.

"Yes, my love … Bali is calling," he agreed with a smile as Meredith reached down for his hand, squeezing him there.

She stepped out of his embrace and tugged on his hand as she led him inside. Closing the door on the calling of that new day, all was quiet now as she leaned up and pumped her lips over his, closing her eyes on that new day too – _just for now, for this moment in time, just for today_ – because it was finally their time and their time … alone.

"_A new day has...come."_

**Chapter 14 to follow.**


	30. Chapter 14, Leather & Lace, Part 1 of 3

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al. **

**Author's Note: Stevie Nicks, this song … it's just perfection, if you have the means, find it and take a listen. Thanks to those who took the time to review, your words mean so much!**

**Chapter 14 – Leather and Lace**

Lyrics for Stevie Nicks': Leather and Lace":

Is love so fragile...  
And the heart so hollow  
Shatter with words...  
Impossible to follow  
You're saying I'm fragile... I try not to be  
I search only... for something I can't see

I have my own life... and I am stronger  
Than you know  
But I carry this feeling  
When you walked into my house  
That you won't be walking out the door  
Still I carry this feeling  
When you walked into my house  
That you won't be walking out the door

Lovers forever... face to face  
My city or mountains  
Stay with me stay  
I need you to love me  
I need you today  
Give to me your leather...  
Take from me... my lace

You in the moonlight  
With your sleepy eyes  
Could you ever love someone like me  
And you were right  
When I walked into your house  
I knew I'd never want to leave  
Sometimes I'm a strong one  
Sometimes cold and scared  
And sometimes I cry  
But that time I saw you  
I knew with you to light my nights  
Somehow I'd get by  
First time I saw you  
I knew with you to light my nights  
Somehow I would get by

Lovers forever... face to face  
My city or mountains  
Stay with me stay  
I need you to love me  
I need you today  
Give to me your leather...  
Take from me... my lace

Lovers forever... face to face  
My city or mountains  
Stay with me stay  
I need you to love me  
I need you to stay  
Give to me your leather  
Take from me... my lace  
Take from me... my lace  
Take from me... my lace

* * *

**Chapter 14 – Leather and Lace – Part 1 of 3**

The air was heavy, sticky and hot; Derek's t-shirt clung to his back as he watched the old taxi cab sputter off while he stood with Meredith in the shade under the small carport at the hotel – _or what was once a hotel _– he presumed. He held his hand out and Meredith took it and smiled. _He could get used to this, he mused silently as he took in Meredith's glowing smile once more._ For since they landed on the humid island nearly two hours ago, that glowing smile remained on Meredith's face and every time Derek looked at her –_ he all but melted _– and it wasn't from the sticky, hot air either._ It was just her ... the aura of her seemed to intensify and grow and multiply on this island. _He smiled as he leaned down to pick up their bags –_ a faint, unfamiliar ring came from one of them as he did _– he looked up to find Meredith's curious eyes.

"It's not mine," she laughed. "Maybe it's your international one," she suggested.

He made a face and rolled his eyes. Meredith just smiled. "I only gave that number to my mother, Richard and the builder before I left," he said directly as he put the bags on the ground and slipped his hand into the side pocket of his carryon. "This can't be good," he muttered with a smirk. He held the ringing device up. "It's Richard," he announced without making a move to answer the call.

"Derek," Meredith sighed. "Take the call," she said with a chuckle, pushing her damp hair behind her ears.

Derek pressed his lips together, raised his brow and then flipped the phone open. "Richard," he said into the line, his tone even and cheerful.

_Derek came to stand in front of Meredith and smiled; taking her hand in his while he listened with half an ear to Richard. Because honestly, right at this moment he could care less about what was going on in Seattle – for he was here on Bali with Meredith – a world away from the 'them' they were back home. Everything had changed – they were moving on together – and now he wouldn't have it any other way._

_Just one look at Meredith said it all, it solidified his decision to leave and get to her because she was happy, truly happy and that was all he ever wanted for her. Plus, she was more than gorgeous within that happiness – with her radiant blond hair blowing in the hot wind, her perfectly flushed cheeks, her tanned skin and not to mention that sexy small bit of ecru lace from her camisole, the small sliver of it just above the scalloped neckline of her sea green dress that kept playing peek-a-boo with him – yeah, she was all he could think about while Richard rambled on about the Board and how they 'weren't ready to give him up yet'._

"She's right here," he said with a broad smile, Richard's inquiry of his lover brought him out of his private reverie now. Meredith's green eyes became wide; she raised her brow – _'no'_ – she didn't wish to speak with him. "I found her just fine," he confirmed. "Yes, I know," he said, his face turning serious as he listened more intently now. "We're on Bali now," he said into the line.

Meredith released Derek's hand and set her bag on the ground. She fished her cell phone out of the bag, her mind on Seattle and Cristina now. She took two bottles of water out, opened one and took a sip – _damn, what she wouldn't give for a ripe, juicy mango _– her mouth watering now as she was betrayed by the tasteless lukewarm liquid traveling down her throat. She stood up and walked toward Derek as he had wandered off to a small patio overlooking the hotel gardens. Meredith met his gaze, his phone still pressed to his ear, she handed the other bottle to him. He smiled appreciatively and took it from her. She moved to sit on a nearby bench, the hot wind whipping across the small area, cooling her down as it came in contact with her damp skin. _Ah, temporary relief._

She watched Derek then for a moment as he paced up and down the small walkway along the path to the lush tropical garden – _one side lined with hibiscus trees, now dotted with ruby pink blooms, perfect accents of vibrant color having virtually sprouted overnight_ – for they were not there six days ago when she departed. Derek made his loop again, coming toward her. He took a sip of his water and put it down on the bench next to her.

"Yes," he said. "That makes things easier," he added, winking at Meredith mischievously before he turned to start his circuit again, this time walking in the opposite direction, away from the carport. Meredith watched him of course as wandered onto the driveway, stepping right into a small triangle of bright sunlight where came to an abrupt stop.

_And in this moment, Meredith thought the world did too ... stop that is. She found herself riveted ... her eyes glued more intensely on her lover now – with the beautiful cloudless sky above him, the sun pressing down on his shoulders, illuminating him, relaxing him – she watched now as the years unraveled from him like the scales of a molting snake ... and with that he became younger and more peaceful and happier than she ever thought possible, quite literally in front of her eyes._

_Maybe it was his casual clothing (an old t-shirt and a pair of board shorts) or perhaps it was the energy of the island – or maybe it was her, or even the baby – but in the end the source didn't really matter, because whatever it was ... Meredith knew this for sure: Derek Shepherd (the man he truly was) had indeed arrived on the island of Bali._

_Meredith had no doubt in her heart now about Derek coming on this trip with her because despite the serious nature of his conversation with the Chief, his face remained relaxed, his voice calm – his temperament, his everything, his spirit – had softened, shedding years away from his physique ... and only __he__ remained._

She took another long sip of her water, finding it impossible to take her eyes away from Derek. After a beat, she finally she let go of him and opened her cell phone to check the voicemail thingy, having left a public message for her pack yesterday letting them know that Derek was coming with her to Bali to finish her assignment. She dialed the pass codes and waited, she had one new message. Keeping her eyes trained on Derek once again as Cristina's hushed voice funneled into her ear.

"_It's me. Glad Shepherd finally got his head out of his ass and ... well, you know, is doing the right thing ... for you and him ... and your ... offspring. It's about time ... or maybe like you said, the timing is finally right. Damn it ... listen to me! I've been engaged for less than twelve hours and already I'm this ... other woman! Damn it! And yes ... I'm ... engaged. I'm engaged ... can you believe it? Because I can't. I told Burke, it has to be small. This wedding thing. Just me and him ... and you ... ... and McDaddy too. Although I didn't tell him about McBaby ... can I ... when can I tell him about the baby? Okay, so well ... you and Shepherd and us. And that's it. And only a justice of the peace. I know he's spiritual and stuff but I don't want any rabbis or ministers, nothing religious. Just make an appointment at city hall and that'll be it ... and he __knows__ we're waiting until you can be here. And no veil! I told him no veil! I mean, I don't wanna get married with a mosquito net all over my face, I want to see – __no, I deserve to see__ – what's going on, I'm going into this thing with my __eyes wide open__! There will be no surprises ... right? Anyway ... so, you heard from me ... and me telling you ... 'I'm engaged' ... kinda makes it real, even if I'm just talking to the voicemail thingy. So ... that's it. I'm engaged and you're pregnant ... we grew up ... how the hell did that happen? Call this thing, or just call ... me. Bye."_

Meredith deleted the message and closed the phone. She placed it down on the bench next to her. _Cristina was engaged! Holy shit!_ _She smiled, un-fucking-believable!_ Meredith sighed, shaking her head in disbelief, she never thought Cristina would be ready for marriage – _she wanted the die-hard surgeon thing like her mother_ – she didn't want the family thing, although paradoxically, Meredith knew Cristina Yang really wanted it all out of life... and that she would likely obtain it too.

And therein lies the point – _we all want it all_ – and on our own terms too. And in regards to Cristina's conundrum: _how did it happen, how do we grow up, how do we make it happen?_ Meredith sighed, knowing that for her anyway, _it wasn't a matter of if_, it was more a matter of when she and Derek would realize their potential together – _for it was their fate, their destiny_ – that put them right here, right now. And as much as she could argue for and against that logic – _the idea of all things kismet_ – she didn't want to, because she was right where she was meant to be – _pregnant and once again on an island that could fall into the ocean_ – and then she smiled, because this time there was a difference ... this time she wasn't alone.

A hot breeze bolted through the carport area – _not even the shade offered relief from the sticky heat now_ – as it stung Meredith's flesh and left microscopic impressionable welts in its wake. The air was stifling and the humidity made everything heavy – except_ for her heart_ – nothing could weigh her down, on the inside she was flying high. Meredith watched Derek for a second longer before she took another sip of her water and closed her eyes for a beat. She heard Derek come closer and his voice became louder. She opened her eyes and found him. He smiled.

"Listen, you wanted to retire, they're all submitting plans for your surgical program because you essentially asked them too," Derek said evenly, stating the obvious.

Smiling, he held up one finger, _'one more minute'_, he pressed his lips together. "You can come up with all the plans you want but in the end they're just plans _– it doesn't make one bit of difference_ – if you don't want to retire, pull the plug on the whole thing," Derek suggested.

_Meredith heard the Chief's voice come through the line as Derek listened to his old mentor. She smiled, for it seemed the teacher had become the student._

"But no one knows that – _where they'll end up_ – not even you, plans or not," he sighed. "You still want it all – _nothing's changed for you _ – saying you want to retire is meaningless if you don't really want to do it," Derek challenged, his eyes darting up and beyond Meredith, something caught his eye as he listened for a beat. "Maybe you're just not done yet ...," his voice trailed off as he moved down the hibiscus pathway.

Meredith listened to Derek's side of the conversation and smiled. She moved her hands up to her face and ran her fingertips along her hairline – _she pushed her hands through her hair_ – God, she needed a shower! She watched with interest now as Derek leaned down to pick up a fallen hibiscus bloom. He held it up, scrutinizing the beautiful ruby flower for a moment. He turned back toward her _– his blue eyes soft, lost within the petals flower now _– as he walked up to where Meredith sat. She stared at him intensely, still very much riveted by her lover.

"Look, I can come up with plans for the hospital just as well as the next guy ... but if someone asked me where I'm gonna be in 10 years ...," he scoffed into the line. "Well, I have no idea, _I mean look at me_, it's been what – _barely a week since I've seen you_ – and everything's different," he said, catching Meredith's watchful eyes with his. "And you don't even know the half of it," he muttered with a radiant smile as he winked at Meredith.

_Derek took a couple of steps as he listened to Richard – he could tell he was torn – and he should be. For he was wavering now – after spending his life and livelihood at the hospital – only to be faced with the prospect of finally focusing on his failing marriage. It was a mess – a mess that could have been avoided had the Chief been true to his heart – and now it was just sad, with Ellis dead and Adele still hanging on to the idea that maybe he would leave it all for her ... that her absent husband would somehow finally come home to her._

_It was a devastating situation and the problem was –Richard's heart wasn't in it, still after all these years ... his mistakes still haunted him – and in some ways the only thing that kept him grounded and sober was Seattle Grace. His job gave him a set of parameters, boundaries to work within and control ... and for someone like Richard, it was his key to longevity and sobriety._

_Derek's heart was heavy for a moment before he turned back toward Meredith – his eyes falling on his angel, she smiled brilliantly, her long slender fingers draped over her abdomen – he silently sighed with relief. For it was true, in his case disaster had really been averted – beginning that night at the Prom – reclaiming his life as his own, it would come to serve him over and over and over again as a turning point now – one of conception and new beginnings and fresh starts – he just needed to remain pure to his heart's desires and above all else love Meredith without abandon – to live __with__ her, not __around__ her – and never get lazy and take her for granted. Perhaps this was his greatest lesson learned._

The Chief bade his farewell, Derek offering his best wishes as he did. The two men reflected for a moment as Derek looked down at the hibiscus flower, paying close attention to its natural beauty. He twirled the bright green stem in his long fingers – _watching as the ruby bloom made tiny circles, around and around and around_ – he said goodbye to Richard and snapped the phone shut. He walked over to where Meredith sat and knelt down in front of her.

"Hi," he smiled, taking her hand in his, he turned her palm up.

"Hi," she chirped softly, immobilized by his warm energy.

"This is for you," he said before he kissed her honey-lips – _the aura of them floating down, down, down now _– he placed the flower in her hand.

"Thank you," she whispered against his mouth, pumping his lips, soft and quick – _the habit had returned in full force_ – there was no turning back. Kisses were expected, warranted even. She smiled.

"The color matches your cheeks," he laughed. "You're blushing," he said simply, leaning in again. "And I love it," he said softly, before kissing her again.

"Hmm, it's hot and I am blushing ... I am," she mused with a wry grin, a flutter of energy ran from her toes, zipping up her spine – _finally deciding to take up residence in her heart_ – _bang, bang, bang_.

"So ... shall we?" Derek asked softly as he stood up, he held his hand out for her.

"Yes, please," she smiled, taking his hand. "So, what did the Chief have to say?" she asked, putting her bag over her shoulder now, she held the flower and dropped the water bottle in a nearby trashcan.

Derek took his bottle of water and headed over to their bags; he draped them over his shoulders and turned back to Meredith. "He's having second thoughts about retiring," he replied with a shrug as Meredith crossed the small space to stand in front of him.

"Hmm, that's understandable," she said thoughtfully. She pressed her lips together, _the man did spend a lion's share of his life inside those walls_, she quietly mused. They turned away from the garden and headed inside to the hotel lobby where Meredith came to abrupt halt, she held Derek's hand tightly.

The lobby had been transformed into something else all of a sudden – _a sight for sore eyes somehow, like coming home, but so much better than that_ – the first thing she noticed was the lighting – _accent lighting had been installed_ – just over the art pieces and in all the right places, accentuating their beauty and meaning and history. The marble floor design was complete now too – _a beautiful collection of travertine tiles with the most intricate design_ – it was truly a stunning display of craftsmanship. The place was gorgeous and Meredith was just now beginning to realize what a gem this space was before the tsunami washed it all away. A shiver of relief and rebirth ripped up and down her spine.

"Meredith?" Derek said, coming to stand in front of her.

"This place," she sighed. "Derek, if you would have seen it when I arrived here ... it's amazing what's happened in this room alone – _the growth, the potential_ – it's astounding," she mused softly.

"It's beautiful now," he said, taking in the quiet fortitude of the space, the energy was solid and soothing. Derek kissed Meredith's temple, right near her hairline, breathing her in as he did. And in turn, Meredith leaned into him for a beat, twirling the flower in her fingers as they made to cross the area of the small lobby. She looked at Derek.

"So ...," she smiled. "What did he have to say about your decision ... you know to come here?" she asked.

It was Derek who stopped this time, tugging on her hand. He let their bags fall to the ground; he took her other hand in his. "He said the board would hold off on the search for a new department head for another thirty days," Derek said, catching the relief in Meredith's eyes. "So, until then I'm on a leave of absence ...," he added as she reached up and kissed him on the lips.

"So, you have a job ... we have only twenty-five days here," she breathed, hugging him tight. "You have a job," she sighed with relief, but that wasn't the half of what she felt – _thank God_ – she breathed. _Thank God_, was all she could think because she really didn't want Derek to give up everything for her or for this trip ... _she still wanted him to be able to have everything he ever dreamt of and more. _

"If I _want_ it, yes ...," he said as he held her close for a beat, his mind moving a million miles per second.

"If you want it?" Meredith asked incredulously, pulling back. Her heart pitched, _'if I want it'_, his words already on instant replay in her mind. "What does that mean ... Derek?" she squeaked, _'if I want it', _came his voice again asshe searched his eyes, only to be met with his steady, unwavering gaze – _there was no storm brewing, he was calm, just drifting ... still happy_ – he pressed his lips together and smiled.

"We'll figure it all out ...," he said nonchalantly before he leaned down and kissed her, massaging her lips with his for a beat, she relaxed in his arms. "We're here now and our timing is finally perfect," he said softly – _melting into the aura of her_ – once again feeling immense relief for this second chance to do things right.

"It is, isn't it?" Meredith mused, lost within the deep blue sea of Derek's sparkling eyes now.

"It is, timing can be everything," he sighed, taking a deep breath of the fresh cooler air. "And ... I just want to enjoy it – _just us for now_ – I just want to be here and see what you've been up to without me," he chuckled and so did she as he pressed his lips over hers, soft and quick and everything in between.

_Meredith pulled away, their perfect timing on her mind now as Derek picked their bags up. She glanced at the flower, then back up to Derek as they started to make their way to the elevator. Timing ... their timing took a while – lots and hills and valleys and broken hearts and severed souls – but like she's said before, if it put her here, she doubted she would change a damn thing about their history together. They were on Bali together for crying out loud, it was more than either one of them could have hoped for two months ago ... so could she really blame Derek for wanting to enjoy it as much as she?_

"_Welcome back Dr. Grey,"_ she heard a soft voice, pulling her from her _mountain range_ of thoughts. She looked up to find the concierge, Nyoman, with his trademark smile of peace in tow.

She smiled. "Thank you Nyoman, the lobby looks beautiful," she answered as she approached the intricately carved wood counter. "This is Dr. Shepherd," she introduced.

The two men shook hands over the counter. "It's nice to have you," he said. "Thank you for your service," he said sincerely. "Will you require a room?" he asked softly.

Derek smiled – _things had changed for them in the last six days_ – as there was no hesitation over where he would stay now. "No, thank you," Derek answered with a smile as he reached for Meredith's hand and squeezed it.

"Well, then ... call for what you need ... anything," he said graciously, his perfect bright white teeth on display for all to see.

"We'll be just fine," Meredith assured as she fished her key from her bag. "Have a lovely day," she said with a smile and Nyoman nodded for them to do the same. Meredith took a deep breath and held Derek's hand as they moved to step on the elevator.

***

Meredith opened the door to her room – _she immediately felt a sense of calm cover her_ – for she spent so much private time here, so many sleepless nights ... it was an extension of her – _and her energy still hung in the space_ – even now. She turned to find Derek in the doorway; he closed the door behind him and let the bags drop to the floor.

Meredith put her carry-on bag and the flower on her desk and moved to open the windows, because as much as her energy was consuming the space, so was almost a week's worth of stale humid air. She opened both of the windows all the way, pressing her nose to the screen briefly ... she took a second to marvel at the endless blue sky, no storm on the horizon, not a cloud in the sight as far as the eye could see.

_The aura of Meredith was rich, intoxicating even after having been stowed away while she was gone. It struck Derek like lightening now as his eyes moved over her private space – her bed, her desk, books, clothing, jugs of bottled water – thinking about her time here alone, knowing now that she ached for him as much as he ached for her ... his heart pinching him somewhere right in between sadness and relief._

_Looking around the space, taking it all in – his eyes fell on her bed again – the light cashmere blanket there, her blanket from her room at home, his heart gave out knowing that she cradled her belly alone at night without him ...forcing him yet again to realize how blessed he was for this second chance and how very proud he was of her strength and fortitude._

Derek pulled himself from his thoughts, crossed the room and came to stand behind her. "I'm proud of you," he said into her neck, sucking in a breath. "I love you," he said, breathing in her sweet essence. "I just can't stop myself from telling you," he chuckled; Meredith leaned back and into him, Derek's hands found her abdomen.

_Heat consumed her – his heat and love radiating over their miracle – tears of happiness pricked Meredith's eyes as she turned around – face to face with her lover now, their energy flying high – as she maintained her gaze on his calming gateways. The air was more than sticky and hot – it swarmed around them and Meredith knew she needed relief – she needed a shower, she needed to cool her body temperature down, but not before she would kiss Derek. She reached down for his hand, her arm brushing low across her belly as she did. She leaned up and kissed him, her insides melting on first impact._

_Derek's tongue swept along hers and a feverish chill moved throughout her body – attacking her skin – only he could do that for her, she mused – cool her down on the outside whilst heating her up on the inside – it was true, she had become her own paradox. _

"I love you," she said against his lips, plucking his tongue in between them, sucking on it _hard_. "And I'm so proud of you," she said, her heart clenching down on her words, because she really was ... proud.

"You're flushed," Derek said, pulling back. "Why don't you take a shower, maybe that'll help," he suggested. "I'll unpack some of our stuff," he said pressing a warm kiss to her hot temple.

"I won't be long," she said softly, turning out of his arms – _a nice cool shower was exactly what she needed_ – she mused silently, smiling now as she felt her desirous heat pool in her panties. "You can use these drawers here," she said with a giggle, her face red hot now as she caught his eyes with hers.

"What?" Derek asked as he took their bags and set them at the foot of the bed.

"My panties are wet," she blurted out with a laugh. "From one kiss," she said, walking back to him, she snaked her arms around his neck.

"That's all it takes, hmm," Derek said, his eyes narrowed – _her body heat scorching him_ – as he focused now on the flecks of darkness he found within hers.

"I don't have enough panties to be with you," she laughed at her own insanity, his hands on her narrow hips now, drawing her even closer. Derek's wild eyes bore into hers; she felt a _zing_ and then a _zap_ ... her nerves popped all over the place now.

"So, go without," he said simply before he kissed her deeply, she trembled in his arms. "No one will know but me," he thickly said into her ear. "Easy access," he said with a wicked grin as he pulled away.

_Another chill ripped through Meredith's body – cold on the outside, hotter than hell on the inside – damn, he was good ... she was soaked with her want for him. Positively soaked._

"And me," she managed to say. "I'll know," she said in between kisses.

"It'll be our secret," he said before he closed his mouth over hers again, tasting her, loving her.

"Hmm ... a dirty secret," she laughed, pulling back slightly. "Shower with me," she ordered gently. She slipped her flip flops off and walked them backwards to the bathroom.

"Cool you down," Derek muttered into the heat of her neck; planting his lips on her sweet flesh – _if he were a vampire, he'd surely bite – _he felt his cock twitch.

"Cool me down," she sighed, slowly losing herself as Derek reached behind her and turned the water on.

_Derek held her gaze as she slipped her dress and camisole from her shoulders and let them fall to her feet. The steamy water began to shroud her and she took on a dreamlike quality right in front of his eyes as she stood very still for a beat wearing only a pair of ecru thong panties. His heart went nuts as her giggle filled the small room – her fuller breasts swaying as she laughed, Derek licked his lips – but Meredith only shook her head. Immobilized – in a complete haze now – he watched her shimmy out of her panties and step into the shower, before he even thought to undress himself. He smiled, removed his watch, taking a second to glance at the hour – they were almost out of time – and with that thought he stepped into the warm water with his lover._

"Derek," she laughed, reaching for him, his naked body screaming to be touched. "Let's cool down," she said softly before his wet lips crashed into hers – _body against body_ – no space between them now.

"Hmm, skin on skin," Derek husked, before he grabbed a bottle of shower gel and poured some onto Meredith's palms and then his own. "Let's cool down," he said softly with a smile as warm water beads flew between them – _ping, ping, ping_ – made from pure energy ... just like them.

_The lovers began to massage each other then – there were no limits – hearts and souls and everything in between were on display for one another now ... and it was all ripe for the taking. With their mouths fused together they stroked and massaged and cleaned and cooled each other over and over and over again._

_Derek swept his hands low across Meredith's belly, keeping them there for a moment while he kissed her senseless before he moved his mouth down the column of her neck to her shoulders where he pressed tiny kisses back and forth all the while breathing her in. His fingers dancing along the smooth, slippery surface of her breasts now before he stopped to gently roll her ripe nipples in between them – around and around – he went, Meredith hummed with delight into his mouth._

_Meredith leaned in and took his cock in her hands, she began to move the slippery gel up and down his shaft, she could feel him tighten under her touch. Her pussy pulsed with raw need from just the thought of his rod housed inside of her. Her walls went nuts as she reached down and massaged his sack, Derek moaned into her mouth, pushing his hips forward slightly._

"I want you," she laughed, her heart on fire ... her burning soul, the source. "You're supposed to be cooling me down ...," she muttered before she pressed her lips over his, the water a degree or two cooler all of a sudden, a welcome relief for her hot skin. "But I'm on fire _inside_ ...," she confessed, she dipped her tongue into his depths, reaching now ... _for she only wanted more, more, more._

"Hmm, me too," he husked; he pressed his warm hands over her ass cheeks, drawing her even closer. "Cold water feels good," he muttered, totally lost in the moment as her intoxicating sweet sex began twirling up and into the air all around them.

"We have plenty of time for the heat," she said softly into his ear, before she pulled on his earlobe with her lips while she reached down and took his cock in her hand, pumping him gently.

"Not at the moment we don't ...," he husked, his fingers moving gently over her sensitive nipples, the hard buds cut across his chest, driving him nuts as they left impressions in their wake. "It's almost time for school to let out ...," he sighed, his voice trailing off.

"School, hmm," Meredith muttered into his neck, her hand around his cock, still lost in the moment. Derek's words didn't register for a beat until they did – _school, Wayan, clinic, Owen, Bali, tsunami_ – her eyes popped open. "Oh," she sighed, a shiver from the cold water ripped up her spine. "Damn it," she laughed, pressing her forehead into Derek's chest. "Really?" she asked as the haze of bliss was slowly lifted.

"Really," Derek said with a chuckle into the heat of her neck. Meredith pulled back, frustration etched along her beautiful face.

Derek chuckled as he reached behind her and turned the water off. She pressed her lips to his naked chest, making a trail of tiny wet kisses up to his mouth. He pumped her cold lips – _the swirling air attacked their wet skin now _– finally cooling them off. Derek reached up and pulled a clean white towel from the rack; he draped it over Meredith's shoulders and rubbed her arms up and down. He took one for himself and threw it across his shoulders. Meredith's hands found his hips; he brought the ends of his towel around her, pressing her into him ... _creating body heat once more._

"Hmm, meeting my _'mango boyfriend'_," she laughed, looking up at Derek's endless blue eyes, not a cloud in sight just like the sky above them.

"I know," he laughed, pressing his forehead onto hers. "I'll finally meet the young man of your dreams," he sighed with a wry chuckle.

"Just wait until you meet him, Derek," she whispered, laying her head over his heart muscle – _boom-boom_ – with just one beat, she was soothed.

"We should go," Derek said, making to get out of the shower.

"We should ... but kiss me first," Meredith ordered gently as she held onto his hips without letting go.

_As they kissed in the private shelter of the shower for a moment longer – once again fusing their lips together on their perfect timing– they allowed the last of their heat to wash down the drain ... for now. Because they knew this was only the tip of the iceberg ... that there would be countless opportunities to have each other and hold each other and sex each other both here on this magical island and throughout their new life together._

_Meredith clasped her arms low around Derek's back as she let herself become lost in his damp heat – she felt safe and loved and wanted – and she let those new feelings encapsulate her, for unlike any other time or any other person in Meredith's life – this is what Derek offered to her over and over and over again since they were reunited – peace of mind, love and safety and it was a beautiful thing for her, so damn beautiful._

_Derek held Meredith – his lover, his soul mate, his lifeline – and relished in the perfect timing of 'them'. He meant what he said to Meredith earlier – that it would all work out – because he believed the timing of their future finally belonged to them and them alone. Only __they__ could make it what it was destined to be, what they were destined to become – a family – which was something Derek had secretly desired for many years. Given his mistakes in his marriage with Addison – nothing would stand in his way of doing right by Meredith and their baby – nothing ...not even a job. Like Bailey said, what's all this worth if you don't have someone to share it with ... nothing. _

_In the end, their future together was all Derek really cared about and without a second thought he would consider giving up the department head position so Meredith could finish her residency without added pressures because she was right the other day – it was not all about them anymore – and taking her statement to heart, Derek realized he had a lot more to lose and a lot more to prove this time around. And deep down he was petrified of making the same mistakes twice – he did not want to become lazy or complacent in his life with Meredith – he wanted to give her one-hundred percent of himself ... because who was he kidding ... he wanted her to have everything she ever dreamt of and more._

**Chapter 14 – Leather and Lace – Part 2 of 3 to follow.**


	31. Chapter 14, Leather & Lace, Part 2 of 3

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al. **

**Author's Note: Thanks for the notes, your time and words mean so much. This remains one of my favorite sections of this entire story. **

**Oh, and I keep forgetting to tell you all … if you are interested in pictures of Bali or the Temples I note here or there, you can PM me and I will figure out a way to send you an email with a flickr link … I spent close to a month on Bali in 1996, it remains one of the highlights of my life, I love that island and everything about it. Enjoy.**

**Chapter 14 – Leather and Lace – Part 2 of 3**

Derek followed Meredith's directives as she led him down the village's ancient streets on the way to the clinic. Peace was pumping its way into his heart and other life organs, his nerve-endings were tied off, he was relaxed and the life he left behind was quickly becoming the past. He was moving on, soaring to new heights – _except it was almost more than that_ – it was this dreamlike haze that had encapsulated him ever since they landed on the island – _actually __that__ began when he first saw Meredith in the garden in Darwin _– and that hazy feeling of peace and connection and passion and wonderment had only intensified with each moment he spent with Meredith, especially on Bali.

_He was loved._

_He was worthy._

_He was blessed._

_He was complete._

And he didn't have to be that perfect guy, of course he wanted to be – _he just didn't have to be_ – because Meredith fell in love with him – _not the image of him_ – but the real him, the broken him – _the imperfect him_ – and with nothing left to hide he could finally be himself. He was finally complete in more ways than he could ever have imagined.

_Derek sighed with relief as he reached for Meredith's hand and laced his fingers through hers ... just to connect – because sometimes he just needed to remind himself – that this wasn't some crazy alternate universe ... this was their life, their second chance to make it right._

He looked at Meredith then – _her large sunhat softened her striking profile_ – but beyond that her raging natural beauty was there for all to see. Her cheeks still pink, her hair wild from the humidity, her sexy physique – _and her utter inner peace and happiness_ – it was all there and so much more. She had changed into a pair of khaki board shorts and a lilac tank top, over which she wore a bright white linen button down with the hopes of keeping her skin cool. For the refreshed feeling that covered their skin after their shower had long-since dissipated and all that remained was the relentless oppressiveness of the sticky air. It literally hung all around them –_hovering, nothing more than a veil of invisible particles_ – and they pushed through it now as they walked under the shelter of the thick overhead palm leaves.

But Derek's heart had no reason to complain – _he took it all in, pulling down on his old Yankees cap (the one that belonged to his father), making any attempt to shield his eyes from the bright sun_ – for that same oppressive humidity only added to the richness of that hazy dreamlike feeling he had grown used to and it only made him appreciate the energy of the small island Meredith fell in love with even more. And he could tell now, that this love didn't come from the ever-present warmth of the sun or the lush green trees or the bright vibrant flowers or the raw, organic, salty ocean – _it came from the people, the inhabitants, the villagers and the tragic beauty of them_ – for almost every person they had passed by on this short jaunt so far – _every man, woman, child and baby exuded peace and calm and fortitude_ – they _were_ everything Meredith and Derek were seeking to embody.

_Meredith held Derek's sticky hand tightly in hers now – just to connect – just to feel his presence and know he was here with her as fast energy coursed through her veins, both fueling her heart and waking her nerve-endings up from a deep, hazy, dormant state ... one that she had grown to appreciate since her reunion with Derek. And now she was more than excited – she was ecstatic to have him here with her – for he was finally right where he belonged. Her heart raced– it was adrenaline – pure and simple._

She fished a bottle of water from her bag with her free hand and took a long sip before she handed it to Derek with a small smile. He took a sip too – _it was all they could do to keep cool_ – drink, drink and drink (and perspire), there was little relief to be had, at least during the hot afternoon hours. Meredith made a turn onto the main street parallel to the beach now, first they would pass the temple and then the clinic would come soon after that ...they were in the home stretch now. Meredith smiled and slowed her steps, carefully coming to a stop in front of the entrance gateway of _Pura Rambut Siwi__._

_She turned into Derek and he instinctually draped his arm around her shoulders. Despite the heat that already raged in their bodies – the cloak of the energy between them – their bubble, only offered comfort and solace for Meredith and as hot as it was, she gladly leaned in to accept it. She took her sunhat off and held it in her hand._

_Standing completely still now, she let the light humid breeze move over her as she felt a tug on her heart and unexpected warmth consumed her from the inside out from the sheer magnitude of having Derek with her, __physically__ now – not just in mind or body or spirit – as memories from the intense moments she spent inside those temple walls reached out to her and grabbed her now ... Ketut's words on instant replay, 'your baby is blessed, the baby you carry,' ... and the morning after her mother's death and the relief she felt over their baby's will to survive – the yin and yang of life and circumstances –'your baby is happy, your baby is blessed, your baby is happy,'._

_Tears pricked Meredith's eyes and a sob wracked her frame as the storm of her life crashed around her once more before it was washed out to sea for good – the energy of it all, the force of the moving storm overpowered her – as Derek folded her into his arms, her lifeline now and forever ... so easily, so precisely – just like he did to her letter for him that day in the garden and then again to her mother's letter for her – he folded her into himself, keeping her there, holding her there in the moment – suspended in time ... finally together, finally forever._

"Meredith," Derek whispered into her hair – _her name rolling off his tongue like drops of water down a window ... effortlessly, rolling, rolling, rolling now_ – as she melted into him without hesitation. He sucked in a breath of her sweet essence – _she grounded him, calmed him _– without even trying.

"I can't," she sighed, gathering her words. "I can't ... just walk by," she said softly into his chest, breathing him in, holding on tight – _a flutter coursed through her entire body_ – she moved her hand down to her belly, connecting once more.

"It's a beautiful place," Derek said softly, his chin resting on her head now as he took in the intricate carvings over the gateway. "Everything seems so ... clear and easy here," he said. "And we aren't even inside," he sighed.

"I know, there's a certain energy ...," she sighed, unwilling to move, her body hummed.

"So ... this is where you were that day ...," Derek's voice trailed off with uncertainty, he pulled Meredith closer in an effort to ground himself. "With Ketut?" he whispered into the light wind.

"Hmm, yes," Meredith sighed, closing her eyes. Derek sighed too, losing himself in her warmth.

"I wish I was here with you," he said wistfully – _small tears stung his eyes now, he couldn't help it_ – he wished he could have lived that moment with Meredith. He wouldn't deny it; he felt a pang of regret, once again a painful reminder of his mistakes.

_Meredith pulled back and caught Derek's eyes with hers – locking him there, making him real and hers again – she smiled so radiantly, her bright green eyes searching his for a beat – back and forth – he smiled weakly, tears gathering again now, waiting to fall onto his cheeks as her hat fell to the ground._

"Oh but Derek, don't you see?" she whispered, her eyes shining. "You _were_ here with me, you always were ... in here," she said, taking his hand, she placed it over her heart. She smiled, her heart banged against his palm. "And here too," she said, moving his other hand down to her belly. "You were always here – _in all the ways you were meant to be_ – in mind, body and spirit," she said before she leaned up, turned her head to the side under the brim of his cap and plucked his lips with hers, soft and easy, but with ardent heat and passion all the same.

_Derek moved his lips over Meredith's and held them in this moment – the new cherished moment in time – just outside the beautiful temple gates, the ocean waves crashing at the shoreline just beyond them, the sun high in the sky, the humid air sticking to them – yes, he would keep this moment – for this moment was theirs to keep._

"I love you," he said against her lips. "I love you," he said once more, his voice cracking now.

"And I love you ... so much," she whispered, her fingers dancing along is handsome features – _eye to eye, face to face_ – nothing in between them again, nothing but the miracle of them.

"Will you bring me back here ... soon?" he asked.

"Yes, we can come as much as you like," she answered, kissing him once more. Derek pulled away, leaned down and picked Meredith's hat up. He rested it on her head. "Thank you," she said, pulling it down a little more, her rosy cheeks shrouded once again.

"Welcome," Derek replied.

_Meredith and Derek took one last look at the temple gates – she felt better about walking away now – she smiled inwardly because it was true, Derek was with her ... he was always with her and she had loved him for what seemed like forever already. She reached down for his hand and she slowly led him away from the temple – it's okay, she silently said, we're alright, she chanted inside – as they made the last bit of the jaunt to the clinic._

"The clinic is just up here, around this bend," Meredith said, holding Derek's hand still.

As they walked Meredith felt her heart simmer down – _she felt her nerve endings snap again _– having told Derek that he _was_ with her helped. She did not want him to have regrets over how things happened for them – _that he was not with her physically when she learned about the baby _– she knew he felt responsible for that because in his mind the decisions he made were the catalyst for her need to _'survive'_. And she understood him, she did, but she couldn't impress upon him enough that she wouldn't give up the _'them'_ they were now for anything ... that to her their tumultuous past might just help them appreciate each other even more in the future.

The couple rounded the last bend and were just outside the edge of the small village now, both the school and clinic were just ahead. This area of Negara was a little more remote, more residential and most tourists who visit this small western village on Bali never travel further than the temple, maybe they might visit a market stall or two but the area in and of itself was largely residential and busier with the hustle and bustle of everyday life on the island. Meredith's eye landed on the fruit market across the way – _mango, mango, mango_ – her voice chanted and her mouth watered as she made eye contact with, Made, the shop owner. She held her hand up and waved as did the older woman, whose eyes smiled brightly at the sight of the young doctor.

Suddenly a thick cloud moved beneath the sun offering temporary relief from the relentless hot rays and everything was a shade darker but the activity just as vibrant as they pushed on to their destination. Derek squeezed Meredith's hand and she passed a glance at him. It seemed they would be right on time Meredith mused as she spotted many children in school uniforms (white shirts and blue shorts) interspersed with the adult populous now, lots more noise and commotion compared to when the children were inside the nearby school. Several mothers, all dressed in vibrant colored saris, waved to Meredith now with their children in tow_ – who also began to wave excitedly _– while she returned their gestures with excitement of her own, smiling brightly as she did.

An old man with worn leather skin and white hair reached for Meredith as she and Derek came to walk next to him. He pressed down on her opposite forearm as they walked slowly down the busy street with him – _Meredith comfortably flanked between Derek and the old man now –_ he nodded; his perfectly bright white teeth on display, his brown eyes sparkling with humor and amusement and peace. Meredith smiled and giggled – _warm heat cascaded down all around them for a beat _– as she rested her hand on top of his for a moment before he removed his hand and nodded again as she moved on with Derek while the old man naturally fell behind by a step or two. Derek released Meredith's hand as her pace seemed to quicken. He looked at her again, her eyes were wild with energy, her cheeks flushed – _she was alive and well_ – his heart leapt from simply watching her _'homecoming'._

They walked on for another minute or so before Meredith stopped short, a small gasp escaped from her lips as she did. She reached down and clasped Derek's hand in hers. He stood at her side and watched as she smiled, her whole face became illuminated now despite the shade from her sunhat and the heavy clouds above. His eyes moved over the area, he spotted the entrance to the clinic, but followed Meredith's gaze over the sea of people in front of them – _and that's when he saw him too_ – Meredith's boy ... Meredith's Wayan.

The boy was standing in a small spot of sun across the street; he was wearing his school uniform and a worn baseball cap that was too small for his head. He had an old leather book bag, the strap across his chest. His skin was perfectly brown, his eyes sparkled and even from the distance Derek could tell he was awestruck, much like Derek was most of the time when he found himself looking at Meredith. The sea of people moved in peaceful waves –_ back and forth now_ – as Meredith released Derek's hand, gave her hat to him and stepped off the curb. She turned back and smiled softly – _peeking up to Derek one last time_ – and her eyes crinkled around the edges with such overpowering pure joy and happiness it brought fresh tears to Derek's eyes.

_His heart shook inside his chest, just a witness now, as Meredith winked and turned away to move across the street – all the while being stopped by villagers, mostly women and children who hugged her or patted her forearms, smiling brightly with their perfectly even teeth at the return of their trusted doctor – as she pressed on and waded through the sea to get to her boy who simply stood still and waited for her ... a lone buoy on and island in the middle of the ocean._

Once there, Meredith knelt down in the patch of sunlight with her boy. His brown hands found her face without hesitation – _he smiled and she leaned into his touch_ – he ran his fingertips along her hair line and she just smiled. From what Derek knew, they could not speak with each other – _but like Meredith told him_ – words were unnecessary and Derek could see that, plain as day even from where he stood now. He watched as Meredith ran her fingertips over the skin of the boy's smooth cheeks before she folded him in her arms and gently swayed him back and forth, lost and found at sea once again.

_And in that moment, Derek sensed an aura unmatched by any other time he shared with Meredith and he realized that in this space of time – it was like someone placed a crystal ball in his hands and he was seeing the future, her future, their future – for he was seeing the natural maternal instincts of Meredith shine through. The mother she would become – the mother she already was – and Derek could do nothing but stand idle and try to quiet his raging heart as he fell in love with Meredith Grey all over again._

Derek held his breath as he watched the scene unfold before him. The boy pulled out of their embrace first and in one fluid motion he swung his book bag to his hip, reached inside and pulled out a big, fat ripe mango. Meredith eyes lit up and the boy smiled from ear to ear as he placed the _mango-gift_ in her hands. She leaned forward and kissed his flushed cheek, the boy did not move his eyes from hers.

"_He's been waiting and waiting for her to return,"_ came an even voice, pulling Derek now from the hazy fog of his mind.

Derek turned toward the source and came face to face with the man he'd heard so many good things about. He held his hand out. "Derek Shepherd," he said with a smile.

"Owen Hunt, if you haven't already guessed," Owen laughed, shaking Derek's hand. "That's something else, isn't it?" he said, motioning to Meredith and Wayan.

"Well she is," Derek mused fondly. "She ... she can do that, make anyone feel special," he offered quietly.

"He does the same for her ... I think ...," his voice trailed off as the men watched now as the pair was flanked by a woman and one other little boy. "He's somehow on the same ... plane with her," Owen said softly.

"It's nice for them – _the energy_ – it's enlightening," Derek mused, in deep thought.

_Derek smiled, still entranced by Meredith and Wayan as she stood and idly chatted with his mother, her long blond tresses moving in the light wind behind her with the mango-gift in one hand and her other on Wayan's shoulder. He peeked up and looked at her from time to time and she looked down and doted on him ... they were truly a pair._

"Thanks for coming over," Owen said, once again breaking through Derek's wandering thoughts.

"Well," Derek said, turning back to him. "There wasn't really a choice ... which was a good thing, a very good thing," Derek mused with relief.

"A no-brainer," Owen offered.

"Well ... given the circumstances ...," Derek shrugged with a knowing smile.

"Yes," Owen agreed. "Our circumstances change all the time," Owen reflected and Derek could tell his mind somewhere else, perhaps already on his next assignment.

"They do," Derek said with a laugh. "Can you believe it was Peter?" Derek asked incredulously.

"Small fucking world," Owen muttered with a chuckle. "Meant to be in some ways too, don't you think?" he asked.

"I think so ... I think so," Derek said, turning to Owen now, making eye contact with him. "I think ... thanks Owen," he sighed heavily. "I just think I should say that ..," he said quietly. "Thanks for helping her out, you know ... for getting her to Peter," Derek sighed, releasing a gulp of air he didn't know he was holding inside.

"What are friends for?" Owen mused with a smile, but Derek noticed a fleck of deep sadness etched in his eyes.

Derek pressed his lips together and was about to answer, but Owen's cell phone rang out and interrupted them.

"Excuse me for one second," he said before he snapped the phone open and began to wander and talk, much like Derek seemed to do.

_And with that, Derek turned his attention back to Meredith and said a silent prayer of thanks for Owen and Peter and Larissa and Ketut and even Wayan – to anyone who offered Meredith comfort when he couldn't have – because they were there when he wasn't and that meant something._

_Meredith's experiences here on Bali meant something to her, which of course Derek already knew – but in another kind of way, they meant something to him too – because that embodiment of peace, the peace that she sought and found here and the knowledge and acceptance of feeling blessed was deeply rooted in Meredith and their unborn child ... the miracle of them._

_And for Derek, it was enough to know that Meredith felt loved and cared for when he wasn't with her and that meant more to him in this moment than he could even fathom._

_She was loved._

_She was worthy._

_She was blessed._

_She was complete._

_Derek watched Meredith kneel down to Wayan again as he threw his arms around her this time without hesitation – his nose deep in her blond tresses, his small body pressed up against hers –with Meredith's sparkling green eyes locked on Derek's now as she smiled over Wayan's shoulder and allowed Derek to share in her moment of peace. Derek stood idly by and basked in their comfortable energy, realizing that this new facet of Meredith – the mother within her – would be forever-present in their lives as they moved on and forward together. And then ... he smiled._

**Chapter 14 – Leather and Lace – Part 3 of 3 to follow.**


	32. Chapter 14, Leather & Lace, Part 3 of 3

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al. **

**Author's Note: Thanks for reading, please comment … or tell me what you think, it would mean a lot. I truly hope you enjoy this last part of the chapter. **

**Chapter 14 – Leather and Lace – Part 3 of 3**

Meredith and Derek sat with Owen now in a local's restaurant Ketut had suggested – _good, simple menu, local fare, off the beaten path, not a tourist in sight_ – it was everything they preferred and it was quiet too, just a scattering of other patrons shared the candlelit space with them. The foursome had enjoyed a light evening meal together to celebrate Meredith's _'homecoming'_ and Derek's arrival on the island. The restaurant, located a few doors down from their hotel, had just recently re-opened and despite the mismatched furnishings and the unintentional charm of the haphazardly placed tea candles along the tabletops, the food and service was of five-star quality. The air was fragrant with the traditional island accents and spices too – _tamarind, peanut, coconut_ – and Meredith's tongue still tingled with the eclectic grouping of flavors well after she consumed her last bite – _even now as she sipped her jasmine tea, cleansing her palate_ – the distinct flavor of creamy coconut lingered in her mouth.

She listened with half an ear now to Derek and Owen chat about surgical procedures performed in less than ideal conditions as they waited for Ketut to come back and join them after she stepped away several minutes ago – _wandering into the kitchen like she owned the place_ – after Meredith raved to her about the chef's satay sauce, for Meredith was quite certain if they bottled the stuff, she would drink it. She smiled at the insanity of her mind – _silently blaming the baby, but secretly loving that she could_ – and turned her attention back to the men while her hand found her belly.

She sought to rejoin the conversation and was surprised to hear them laughing hysterically more like teenagers than grown men – _Derek pressing his palm down on the table to ground himself, their faces red, Owen's eyes wet with tears, wild joy evident, both gasping for air_ – as she heard one of them breathlessly howl _'Peter'_, then of course Meredith knew they were laughing with good reason – _because whatever the reason was_ – if Peter was involved, laughter like that was probably warranted. Meredith just rolled her eyes and laughed along with them. She smiled – _they were happy ... jovial, carefree even_ – and Meredith was struck by their energy in that moment, for she knew both men had lived in a vacuum of darkness at one time or another and their candid glee was more than a sight for sore eyes.

Just then Ketut arrived back at the table, her deep brown eyes dancing with as much mischief as Derek and Owen's now as she placed her warm hand over top of Meredith's without sitting down. Meredith raised an eyebrow at her wise friend and smiled. The men stopped laughing; Meredith caught Derek's curious eyes with hers over the flicker of the tea lights. She smiled and so did he.

"Meri, come," Ketut said softly.

Meredith stood, winked at Derek and departed with Ketut, no questions asked. She smiled as Ketut led her down a small dimly lit hallway and straight into the back entrance of the kitchen. Once inside, the energy all around them woke up – _there was chatter, life, laughing, creativity and cultivation_ – as Meredith followed Ketut until she came to stand in front of a man about her age – _although age on Bali sometimes seemed nonexistent_ – for people here were ageless or timeless ... or both, and in some fashion they just lived on ... and peacefully so. The man's eyes popped up from his cutting board and the clean scent of fresh mint wafted up all around them as held the board up and let the crushed leaves fall into a pot on a nearby stove. The steam in between them did nothing to shroud his wide smile.

"Meri," Ketut said in a hushed tone. "This is Ketut," she smiled. "Also fourth born ...," she added with a laugh.

Meredith smiled, recalling the order of Balinese first names, always repeated, a continuous loop, regardless of gender – _Wayan, Nyoman, Made and finally Ketut_ – as she held her hand out to take Ketut's and another friendship was born as she looked into his shining brown eyes and saw peace. "Thank you," Meredith said. "For the meal," she added, locking her eyes with his ... _he was so gentle, so calm ... so very much like every person she had met so far on the island._

Ketut interjected. "This is Ketut's place," she said, waving her hand proudly around the kitchen.

"It's lovely," Meredith replied softly as she surveyed the space – _very much like a home kitchen_ – with some larger pots and pans both in use and hanging on large hooks as well. It was homey and she felt that _comfort food_ really was prepared here.

"Thank you," Ketut said with an altruistic smile. "May I teach you?" he asked slowly, his smile never fading as he spoke.

"Teach me?" Meredith asked, giggling with surprise.

"Yes," Ketut said with a smile as she put her arm around Meredith's small frame.

"Really?" Meredith asked. "Wow," she sighed, her smile reaching her eyes now as her heart leapt to new heights.

"Ketut will teach cooking," she said happily. "The _Balinese_ way," she added with a knowing smile.

"Yes ... please," Ketut said; his eyes warm and sure. "Come when you like," he offered, his smile so genuine it would have been impossible to resist.

"Thank you," Meredith breathed, connecting her eyes with his once again.

"Anytime," he said, before placing his hand on her forearm. "We make satay for you ... and baby," he laughed conspiratorially, Meredith giggled.

_She turned to Ketut, her eyes locking with hers for a moment, but the midwife only shrugged her shoulders in mock-dismay. The three players laughed and Meredith was once again astounded by the heartfelt generosity of the beautiful island's people._

"Thank you, Ketut," Meredith said as she extended her hand once more. "So much," she said holding his hand for a beat.

"You are busy," Ketut surmised after a moment. "We will leave," she sighed, gathering her friend in her capable arms.

Meredith smiled and nodded to Ketut, his warm eyes found hers once more before her friend led her out of the crazy, wild, lively kitchen, back down the small quiet hallway and out to the restaurant. That smile – _the one reminding her of everything she had to be thankful for_ – was still on her face as her eyes landed on Derek and Owen in the small foyer now as she and Ketut crossed the space to meet them.

_Derek cocked his head with curiosity as he spotted his happy girl coming toward them – the world falling away as she did – like the night he met her, Meredith was still a breath of fresh air – yes, a lot had changed between them and it was true, a lot had happened between them – but she always managed to bring new life into the room. Meredith winked at her lover, but gave nothing away as she smiled from ear to ear which only fueled Derek's curiosity over their disappearing act even more._

"Ladies," Derek said as Meredith and Ketut came to stand in front of them. Derek handed Meredith's bag to her with a smile.

"Thank you," Meredith smiled; her cheeks bright and happy. She slung the bag over her shoulder and took Derek's warm hand in hers. "Guess what?" she asked with a smirk.

"What?" Derek asked, all but dying to know the cause of Meredith's new smile.

"Cooking lessons," she said, unable to hide her grin.

"Really?" Derek asked incredulously, stepping closer to Meredith.

"Wow," Owen said.

"That's what I said," she giggled, looking at the men for a beat. "Isn't it something?" she asked.

"It is," Derek breathed, unable to articulate how happy Meredith's happiness actually made him, it was like nothing else he ever felt. He turned to Ketut. "That's an amazing ... gift," he said with a smile, once again taken aback by the generosity of the Balinese people.

"It is for nothing but joy," Ketut said, her brown eyes dancing with the candle lights now.

"The joy is ours, Ketut," Owen said softly. "Thank you for showing us this place," he added sincerely as he held the door open and the foursome stepped out into the cooler nighttime air and moved down the street toward the hotel.

_The first thing Derek noticed about the evening was the low full moon that hung in the sky directly above them. He squeezed Meredith's hand, catching a glimpse at her as her eyes found the moon too and then he had a brilliant idea as they came to stand under the thin veil of the awning of the hotel carport._

"Ketut," Meredith reached for her friend. "Can we take you home?" she asked.

"I'll take Ketut," Owen said with a smile. "Let me bring the car around," he added, pressing his lips together, he nodded and then turned to go.

"Oh ... okay," Meredith smiled. "Thank you," she said as he went.

_Derek watched Ketut's happy eyes as Meredith pulled her friend into a hug. And as the women embraced under the intense scrutiny of the bright moonlight – Derek was still awestruck by Meredith's maternal energy – and still completely enthralled by Ketut's tenacity in bringing it to the forefront for all to see. He smiled – if he could make it so these old soul friends would never have to part ways – he would ... for he was deeply indebted to both women now._

_Ketut turned her attention to Derek in that precise moment and struck him still with her warm unwavering eyes – everything seemed to become quiet all around them now, akin to wildlife before a big storm, the world was silent – Derek cocked his head, his heartbeat started again, as Ketut reached for his hand and guided it flush against Meredith's abdomen, low and on the right side._

"Right here, Daddy," she spoke in a hushed tone directly to Derek, his heart found his throat and suddenly it was all he could hear through the intense silence. Ketut looked up and passed her glistening eyes from Meredith's to Derek's, landing her gaze on Derek's once more. "Baby is joyful ...," she smiled, closing her eyes for a beat – _the moon cast a blue shadow along the smooth planes of her cheeks _– illuminating her energy now. "Hmm, right here," she said, adding pressure to Derek's hand.

_Meredith felt her skin grow warm under their collective touch and all was silent for a moment, nothing moved, she was certain her heart might have skipped a beat. Warm energy encapsulated them – and it was theirs, the bubble of them – except in that moment, it was so much more – it was fiery and orange and ruby pink ... fuchsia, it was the miracle of them – and it was alive and well and apparently 'joyful'. Meredith's wet eyes fell on Derek's sparkling gateways, 'I love you,' she said silently – totally lost and found within him once again, her lifeline, her imperfect savior – she held his gaze for a beat longer, 'I love you,' said his eyes as the sounds of life infiltrated into the moment and the world around them appeared once again as Owen sputtered up in the old white brandnameless car._

Ketut smiled and turned to Meredith. "Go play," she teased with a wry chuckle. Her eyes fell on Derek for a beat and Meredith giggled.

Meredith found Owen's smile as he came around to the passenger side of the car and opened the door for Ketut. He turned his head and stifled a yawn. "Tired?" she asked, somewhat surprised, for he never seemed to relax enough to sleep.

He shrugged elusively – _silently acquiescing_ – his worn hazel eyes betraying him without giving anything away.

"Enough to sleep?" she pressed evenly.

"Maybe," he quipped, knowing where she was headed. "Just glad you're back," he admitted with a wry grin.

"Me too," she said softly, her eyes falling on Derek's for a beat.

And as Meredith stood with Ketut and basked in her happiness, she watched Derek make plans with Owen for tomorrow and she couldn't help but feel they had turned a corner – _that all of them had in some small way_ – once again tested the theories of fate and destiny. She had to ask: _would their coming together on this broken island become more than a chance meeting, could they somehow move beyond what was broken within all of them to help the people here who were so eager to give of themselves to them?_ _Would Derek find peace? Would Owen find sleep?_

Meredith believed they very well could – after all it was that _fateful chance meeting_ with Derek at Joe's all those months ago that steered the course for everything that happened between them since that moment in time and put them right here, right now – _playing, working, loving and living _– here on this island and most definitely beyond.

_Match point for fate ... and destiny too._

***

Derek held Meredith's hand as they watched the old car's tail lights disappear down the small driveway. He turned to Meredith and looked into her eyes for a beat; she smiled happily, her eyes bright. Without a word, Derek turned with her hand in his and bypassed the lobby entrance; instead he headed down the pathway toward the hotel gardens with a smile on his face.

"I doubt we'll see another full moon while we're here ...," he surmised quietly, Meredith squeezed his hand.

"Want to head down to the beach? There's an entrance off the garden," Meredith said softly.

"Sounds perfect," Derek answered as they rounded the small bend and entered the walled garden.

Once inside the garden, Meredith took the lead as the couple walked along the uneven cobblestone pathway. The old concrete walls and statues in the garden were covered with a thick moss which infused an earthy element to the saltier sea air found within. She was careful with her steps now in the darkness.

"I've only been down here during the day," she said as she gripped Derek's hand.

"We'll take our time," he replied, pulling her closer.

There was some lighting – _dim, old flood lights_ – but most of the area was illuminated by the bright moonlight. From her travels through the area during the day, she knew the small twists and turns of the garden well – _roaming her eyes over her favorite areas as they went, taking in the nighttime shadows that somehow added even more the depth and secrecy to their surroundings_ – the small Buddha statues, all with offerings from the previous morning, the faint smell of incense and gardenias and sticky rice filling her nostrils, her favorite row of orchids, her watchful eye of the old fish in the koi pond as she navigated her way through the magical garden to the beach access. Just before the archway to the beach Meredith stopped, pulling back on Derek's hand as she did. He turned around and faced her and smiled. She placed her hand along his cheek and he smiled under her palm.

"I love you," she said softly. "Kiss me," she whispered her gentle plea in the secrecy of the garden – _heat finding her cheeks, her heart racing now_ – still dismayed by the freedom to make her confessions and say her desires out loud without fear of rejection or consequences. Derek's face softened.

"I can do that," he whispered into her ear before he kissed his lover fully on her lips, wrapping his arms around her, breathing in her _sweet lavender-mango elixir_, loving her and cherishing her like she deserved to be. "I love you," he said softly as he pulled back and found her flushed face in the darkness. Meredith smiled and led him through the archway and onto the deserted beach and only then did her heart jump.

_The moon, by far the focal point of the scene, was so bright and so white that the intricate designs of its landscape could be seen to the naked eye. The sphere hung low in the sky over the black night ocean – suspended in time – held captive by Mother Nature and lovers alike. It was low tide, dangerously low – it looked like they could just walk out onto its glassy surface – and it was quiet too ... the only thing the lovers could hear over their heartbeats was the faint ricochet echo of the small waves as their sound moved back and forth between the vast ocean shoreline and the retaining wall where they presently stood. It was endless; it was like a dream and the moon somehow slowed everything down to a halt._

"That's ...," Derek's voice trailed off.

"Amazing," Meredith finished for him.

"Yeah," he agreed, his eyes falling on Meredith. _God, she's beautiful, _was all he could think. "Do you want to walk down there?" he asked, pointing to the shoreline.

"Yeah, sure," she said, taking his hand as the moon pulled her forward.

_The lovers slipped their shoes off and Meredith dropped her bag. The air was salty and sweet, perfectly balanced, a light refreshing wind barreled across the shoreline. They walked down to the shore together, feet sinking into the pristine white sand, still hot under the surface from the sun's bold heat. Derek instinctually draped his arm around Meredith's shoulders as they went, she leaning into him without hesitation now._

"I love that," Derek muttered, stealing a glance at Meredith.

"What?" she asked with a small smile, perfectly content.

"That I can touch you without thinking about it," he chuckled. "_And_ that you expect me to," he whispered and then stopped walking.

"I love that too," Meredith said with a smile.

_She closed the small distance between them – face to face now – nothing but lovers, nothing but everything to each other now. Derek ran his fingers through Meredith's wild blond tresses, holding her skull in place, he ducked down and pressed his lips over hers, she reacted by deepening their kiss, again – there was no hesitation, no question – they were together and finally belonged to each other. _

"See that's ...," Derek breathed; his heart racing as he gathered his words. "So different than things were for us _– it went against what I wanted, I wanted you ... so badly_ – I don't know why, besides fear, I don't know why I let it all happen ... I really ...," he sighed, his eyes wet. He pressed his lips together and craned his head back; the sky was black right above him. He felt Meredith's hands on his face and found her in the darkness.

"Derek ...," she sighed. "I missed you too," she said softly, trying to allay his old fears.

"Me too ... I missed you so much ... and now ...," he confessed, his words hung in the space between them.

His voice trailed off with uncertainty, but Meredith wasn't about to let it go, she kept her hands on his cheeks. She knew he wanted to say more, but that he still held fear in his heart and she wanted him to let it go – _she wanted him to live and love freely_ – she needed him to move on and she knew eventually he would have all the pieces he needed to do just that – _but she wanted him to remember he would always have her_ – and the miracle of them too.

"And now ...," she pressed evenly. Derek sighed. "You're okay," she stated, her voice softer now.

"I'm okay," he chuckled, bringing her into his chest; he wrapped his arms around her small frame. "And now ... now I keep thinking about how all the _missing_ might have actually been worth it, you know?" he whispered into her ear and felt her relax into him.

"Yes ... yes, I do," Meredith said evenly, her ear pressed over his heart muscle – _boom-boom_ – _everything was just fine, just how it should be_, said the voice inside of her head.

"I meant what I said ... that now I know I can't live without you," he said with more conviction, pulling back to find Meredith's deep green eyes. "And like _you_ said ...," he whispered, moving his hand up to the smooth plane of her cheek. "If our history made us _who _we are and put us _where_ we are right now – _well then, I never want to go back to what we were, to a time like that, when we had to maintain a distance_ – when we didn't belong to each other ... never ...," he said carefully, his eyes never leaving hers.

"And neither do I," Meredith smiled, plucking his lips with hers – _he tasted spicy and warm and sweet _– like coffee and coconut.

Derek pulled back and smiled as he moved his hand down and pressed his palm over the right side of Meredith's abdomen and sighed. "If it gives us more moments like that with Ketut and her intensity and everything I felt between us," he said, caressing her abdomen now. "Then I don't want to change the past ... because right now, I can only see the future ...," he sighed, his voice cracking around the edges now as Meredith leaned up and seized his lips once more.

"Me too, Derek ... me too," Meredith breathed as unexpected tears collected in her eyes, threatening now to fall along her face. She blinked them away. "And Ketut – _moments like that_ – I think that's just the tip of the iceberg ...," she added softly, taking his hand, she led him closer to the water's edge.

"Hmm, I hope so ... she's beyond amazing – _she's magical_ – and without sounding too corny ...," Derek chuckled, leaving his eyes on Meredith's as they stepped into the cooler water, letting it lap at their hot feet. "In some amazing way, I was grounded or healed ... _or something even more than that_," Derek said with haste.

"I get it, trust me ... I do," Meredith giggled. "She does the same for me, I tried to explain it – _she sees more, she mends without even trying_ – she reminds me of Bailey," she added with a reflective smile.

Derek laughed. "Yes, I can see it," he agreed, drawing Meredith closer now, he felt calm and at peace.

_They fell into an easy silence for a moment then, each feeling the small waves crash against their calves, their feet sinking ever so slightly as they did. Each listening intently now for the echo – the life of the ocean – the moon still bright and white and fat and low, hanging just overhead, almost within reach ... each fully relaxed and finally able to give and take of each other ... freely. Meredith moved her lips up and pressed a kiss to Derek's chest and then up again to his neck, he sighed and closed his eyes for a beat before walking Meredith backwards, up the beach just a foot or two._

"Ketut has said Wayan has that gift _– this magical healing gift_ – and ... I think I feel it Derek," Meredith whispered, breathing him in. "And I think it isn't just for me ... _as much as I want it to be_," she chuckled breathlessly. "I think he has a sense of what's broken _and _how to mend it ... for everyone," she said wistfully. "I think that's what I feel and what I see when I'm with him – _it's what brought me to him_ – my desire to be whole and healed brought us together," she confessed boldly, full well knowing how unconventional it all sounded ... although, it didn't make it any less of a truth.

"I can see that ...," Derek said pulling back, his eyes searching hers for a beat. "I fell in love with you all over again ... just watching you with him," he said, tears pricked his eyes. "I can't explain it ... but it solidified us, somehow ... I can't see a life or future beyond you," he smiled and pressed his lips together. "You and this baby are everything to me," he said softly, carefully watching her eyes become glassy.

"Oh, Derek," Meredith sighed, her heart shook with joy.

"It's true Meredith, don't ever doubt my love for you – _I saw the mother in you_ – and it was something more than spiritual for me," Derek sighed. "I could have watched you forever and in some ways I realized I'll be able to do just that … with our daughter or son," he said wistfully.

_Meredith didn't say anything and she didn't have to either, 'I love you, I love you', she chanted silently. She nodded her head and lost herself in Derek's embrace as he folded her into him, sealing her fate and her destiny like the flap of an envelope. She was his lover, the mother of his child and suddenly ... his everything all over again. She breathed him in and felt him do the same. They held each other for a moment – cherishing this time together – each reflecting on all that had happened to make this moment possible._

Derek pulled back slightly and took Meredith's hands in his, moving his thumbs around the fleshy part of her palms as he formulated his words. "I saw what he's brought to your life here – _what you give each other, you're like puzzle pieces_ – or something ... or I am," he stumbled over his words. "Somehow I was meant to see your collective energy," Derek sighed. "And ...and I don't think it's over yet – _for me_ – I think there is still more for me to see," he chuckled breathlessly and Meredith hugged him tighter because she thought Derek was right, tears pricked her eyes over his acceptance and willingness to see things differently.

"Ketut's concerned about him," Meredith whispered into the wind, her chest on fire with worry for her boy.

"Why?" Derek asked, finding her glassy eyes in the moonlight, he held her skull in his hands and pressed his lips to hers, soft and easy.

"Wayan's father perished in the tsunami," Meredith said in a hushed tone, a fury of suppressed emotion became lodged in her throat like bottlenecked traffic, for the thought of her boy without a father struck her deep inside whenever she let herself think about it.

"Oh," Derek's heart trembled, his eyes moved over the tranquil ocean, a pang of remorse stung his heart for the sweet child. "Lost at sea?" he managed to ask.

"Yes, here one day and gone the next," Meredith heaved with sadness as it filled her up.

_Meredith held on to Derek – her lifeline, her buoy – her arms around his waist, his nose in her hair, his warm breath on her neck. She was sinking and fast, her heart akin to a heavy anchor now, for she was about the same age when her father walked out on her – and in some ways their tragedy was shared, the loss of a parent – although the circumstances of those losses were vastly different: one via bravery, the other via cowardice, she silently seethed, stifling a sob as she did. Derek held on tighter, right there with her, riding out the storm._

"He seems so at peace …," Derek sighed, wondering what Wayan's secret was, how he could sustain a loss like that and find the peace and soulful happiness he witnessed earlier.

"Ketut thinks it's his gift, she says she only picked up on it once his father was taken by the sea … she thinks it keeps him busy, grounded – _it's a game of hide and seek for him_ – to find what's broken and try to fix it …," Meredith offered, maintaining her hold on Derek.

"He's dealing with his grief," Derek replied. "He's strong Meredith, he's smart … processing it in the only way he knows how," he added, sorrow mixed with awe and pride coursed through Derek's body now. He sighed.

"Derek," Meredith said, pulling back. "Ketut says the tsunami will have harsh repercussions now, for without a father Wayan will have to work – _he will not be a scholar, his potential will never be fully realized_ – she's terrified the gift will perish too … that it would be another tragedy," she whispered – _a shiver rippled down her body_ – she held Derek's gaze as he brought her closer in response, watching his mind come alive with thought now.

"Yes, it is … tragic," he agreed softly. "But maybe it doesn't have to be," he counseled. "Maybe we can do something …," he offered, his mind on high alert now.

"I'd like that," Meredith said softly, her eyes wet with fresh tears now, but she smiled anyway.

_Derek felt Meredith spine shiver as he watched his girl's passion pop right out of her skin while he held her and melted away on the inside with his love for her. He scanned her eyes – he saw her flecks of sadness, the ones that made him love her, she was no doubt thinking about her coward of a father, or the loss of Wayan's father – but here she was … alive and after everything was said and done, she was the strong one – she could make anyone feel special, she was a healer – she really was, she saved and healed him over and over and over again since they met and when she couldn't save or heal him herself, she demanded he do it for himself … and he did. And now they were here learning lessons in the value of peace and tenacity and fortitude. Without thinking, he smiled, ducked down and pumped his lips over Meredith's as he clung to her and her to him like no time had passed and like they always would._

_Meredith shivered under Derek's intense gaze and she watched as his eyes danced over her whole face – no doubt replaying their conversation – trying to make sense out of something that had no sense about it, for it was tragic and there was no beauty in it this time. Her only hope was that maybe Derek was right, maybe there was something they could do to help this village for now and for years to come in the future as well. She shivered at the thought as Derek's lips came down on hers and he stole her breath for the thousandth time since they were reunited. She melted into his capable arms and her heart became lighter and more buoyant, the anchor was lifted … and all of a sudden she was sinking anymore – she was merely floating in a sea of blissful kisses with Derek – and then she shivered, hard._

Derek pulled away, his breathing ragged, his eyes wild and dark with passion. "You keep shivering … lets go," he said softly, lacing his fingers through hers as they walked back up the beach.

"Heat me up," she stated hotly, turning her head up to him, finding the mischief in his eyes.

"Heat you up," he agreed with a smirk. "And then some," he added with an arch to his eyebrow, suddenly energized by the naughty thoughts swirling around in his head.

Meredith leaned down to slip her shoes on. She stood with a small smile etched along her gorgeous face. "Thank you, Derek," she whispered, slipping her shoes on.

Derek slipped his shoes on and leaned down for Meredith's bag. He slung it over his shoulder and smiled brightly. "It's important to you and Ketut and that's enough for me … plus, I still think there's more to it …," he muttered, wishing he could put his finger on that missing piece. "I can't believe he's a member of the club," Derek voiced aloud.

"The _'Dead Dad's Club'_? " Meredith asked incredulously. "You really _have_ been talking to Cristina," Meredith chuckled weakly.

"I have," he smiled as they came upon the entryway to the garden. "That was one of our turning points actually, both being in the club," he chuckled, shaking his head now at tragedy of their common ground. They passed through the threshold of the garden; the sound of the ocean fell away again.

Meredith squeezed Derek's hand and smiled. It was sad, but true … they did have that in common – _they were fatherless via tragedy_ – but who was she kidding, their bonding at all – _over anything_ – was a welcome relief to being stuck in the middle of their endless stalemate and then she laughed out loud.

"What's funny?" Derek asked, as her laughter floated through the garden.

"Cristina and Burke are engaged, I forgot to tell you, she left a message for me ..," she smiled.

"Wow," he said. "And that's funny?" he asked, teasing her.

"Nope, it's funny I forgot to tell you though," she laughed. "Being here … it just puts everything into perspective," she said, her hand finding her belly now.

"Yes," he breathed. "It does," he smiled as they approached the last set of bamboo trees in the garden, the hotel walkway just up ahead now.

Meredith stopped. "Do you think they're as happy as we are?" she asked, her eyes sparkling against the flora in the garden.

"Oh God, I only hope they are," Derek answered, his heart on fire with happiness now as he leaned down and brushed his lips against Meredith's.

"Heat me up," Meredith said thickly against Derek's lips, hungry for him all of a sudden.

"Heat me up," Derek repeated against hers as his appetite for her became ferocious.

***

Wordlessly the lovers closed the door behind them. The room was dark and sticky; Derek turned on the ceiling fan – _but left the light off_ – the room gently illuminated by the full moon, a bluish white haze covered the space. He dropped Meredith's bag at the door and headed for the bathroom. She followed him. He started the shower, applied toothpaste to Meredith's brush and rested it along the edge of the sink for her while she undressed and he brushed his teeth. Warm steam began to fill the small space and the haze seemed to slow everything down, the lovers became tired.

Derek rinsed his mouth and came to find Meredith brushing her teeth. He moved aside and she stepped up to the sink, winking at her through the vanity mirror, he stood behind her and began to undress. She leaned down and rinsed her mouth, Derek's warm hands found the smooth plane of her back. He ran his fingers up and down her shivering spine; she wiggled under his touch and turned the faucet water off and leaned back into him.

Derek held the shower curtain back and Meredith stepped inside, he followed suit. Meredith had her head back; warm fresh water cascaded down her beautifully tanned body. Derek poured some shampoo on his palm and moved it through his hair. Meredith opened her eyes and moved out of the spray and into the warmth of Derek's arms. She turned around poured some shower gel onto a washcloth and began to clean her skin; Derek applied some shampoo to Meredith's hair and began to massage her scalp and hair, lathering her long tendrils, moving her hair through his fingers before he turned her around. She smiled and he ran his hands along her slippery body – _arms, underarms, torso, breasts, neck, her mound, her pussy and his prize, lastly to her belly, low and to the right, their joyful miracle_ – before she stepped back under the water and held her head back, closing her eyes now. Derek watched as soap and debris washed away in the form of bubbles, gently twirling and twisting their way _down, down, down_ her beautiful body and straight to the drain.

Meredith stepped out of the water, her wet lips found Derek's, her hands found his hips as they slowly turned and kissed and kissed and turned to switch places. He held his head back into the water, a degree or two cooler now as he felt Meredith slippery hands working, massaging, kneading his body – _abdomen, thighs, ribcage, ass, chest, and neck_ – before he felt her heart-shaped lips around his nipples and her hands on his cock, massaging and cleaning as she went. Her long fingers gripping his flaccid cock, he moaned as he grew under her touch and she held on still as Derek opened his eyes and was met with her dark green gateways. He reached back and turned the water off, grabbed a towel for Meredith and one for himself. They patted themselves dry. Derek held his hand out for Meredith, she stepped from the shower and so did he.

They walked from the enclave of the warm humid bathroom into the bedroom – _cool air pricked their skin_ – as towels fell to the floor and the lovers fell into bed without desperation now seeking only to heat each other up just right – _perfect synchronization of bodies, minds and spirits _– and finally with no storms on the horizon and only quiet stars and a lonely bright white moon above them ... they did just that, without a word to each other.

Meredith lay back against the pillows and Derek was positioned over her in one fluid motion, his lips found hers while his hands found her damp tresses. Meredith held his skull in her hands and clasped her feet low around her lover's back, drawing him closer, taking even the last millimeter of space away. Derek trailed tiny wet kisses along the smooth skin of Meredith's cheek and down into her neck, inhaling her sweet scent as he did. He nipped at her earlobe, eliciting a small moan of appreciation from her as her thighs fell open and she began to slip under. Derek moved his focus from her ear down to her shoulder, his damp hair tickling Meredith's hot skin as he went.

His lips found her nipples, already ripe and ready from the friction that hovered between them – _skin on skin_ – there was nothing like it he thought to himself as he seized one of her nipples, plucking it between his lips – _sweeping his tongue over her peak, feeling the blood vessels pop under his touch _– pulling back, he almost came on the spot, his cock hard and ready _– God, he wanted her_ – like this ... all the time.

Derek closed his eyes in bliss as he released her pleasure point only to rapidly move his tongue over the hardened and engorged peak, claiming it once again, for he simply could not get enough of her. Meredith's moans filled the air all around them and he felt her damp heat pool against his abdomen as he blew on her fever-pricked skin and turned his attention to her other nipple, moving his body flush up against hers now to afford him access to her pussy. His nostrils filled with her sweet sex as he cupped her breast and went to work – _lapping and sucking, sucking and lapping_ – rapidly now, lost within his lover, hopelessly lost and wishing never to be found as he moved his free hand down, resting it over her abdomen for a brief moment as he did.

_Meredith felt warm heat radiate under Derek's palm as it rested over their miracle, tears of joy pricked her eyes as the world stopped spinning, she was so in love with this man, pure and simple and she knew it couldn't get much better... she loved him, she loved him._

She tried to focus on the heat – _the heat of them_ – but she was slowly, slowly losing herself like never before. She desperately wanted to open her eyes, to find Derek's eyes and live within them for a moment ... to be an active player in this game, except she couldn't – _for she was already too far gone_ – never before had she been this far under. She moved her hand down instead and laced her fingers through Derek's, connecting the best she could as he put his lips around her nipple one last time – _stroking her peak, back and forth_ – before she felt his lips and tongue mesh with hers. Never breaking their kiss, she gently moved Derek's hand down to her pussy.

From there, he took her fingers in his and moved her thumb over her pulsing clit _– her vaginal walls went nuts_ – he moved his fingers down and pressed her folds back for her, his lips still planted on hers as she moved her thumb back and forth over her clit – _once, twice, damn she was on fire_ – Derek hummed into her mouth and that vibration of adoration branched out and popped all over her body, coming to zap her clit in the end. Meredith's hips flew off the bed, but Derek held her down still. He pressed gentle kisses down the length of her body, moving in between her thighs once again, slowly making his way to his prize.

Once there, he felt Meredith let herself go completely, her thighs fell open and he looked up to find her eyes still closed – _her face flushed with passion, the bright white moon illuminating her desirous aura_ – her hand still laced with his along her slick folds. Derek leaned down and held Meredith's pointer finger in his and brushed it up and down her folds before he gently turned her wrist and eased that finger inside her core along with his – _he watched as her eyes flew open and she sighed gratefully_ – while he pumped their fingers in and out of her fleshy channel, all the while holding her in the moment with him – _locking her there while they both got her off_ – her vaginal muscles gripping their fingers, pulsing, pumping, wanting and needing all on their own – _ah, flesh around flesh around flesh_ – there really was nothing like it as he watched Meredith succumb to her body's wants and desires. Her eyes closed in pure bliss and she wiggled under their mutual touch.

Fueling a raw need to taste her sex, Derek slowed their rhythm and knelt down just outside heaven's gate. He removed their fingers, put Meredith's in his mouth and sucked on it while he watched her pussy pulse with need. Lacing his fingers through hers once more he lay down and pressed his whole mouth over her opening – _her sex, her fuel for him, his elixir, his fuel for her_ – flooded his mouth and he drank her down, siphoning anything and everything she wordlessly offered. He hummed with pure bliss into her hole, her hips came off the bed and her hands found his skull in a desperate attempt to ground herself; this much he knew.

Derek pressed his fat tongue over her clit and rubbed the delicious nub back and forth, plucking in between his lips only to release it once more. He French kissed her pussy before plunging his tongue deep into her depths, sucking her off, skillfully bringing her just shy to the point of climax before he pulled his mouth away to position his cock against her ripe opening – _taking a moment, he rubbed just the tip of his cock up and down her slick folds_ – just long enough to lubricate his rod with her juice before he _slowly, slowly, slowly_ eased himself into her tight, slick channel.

_The lovers' moans filled the air – Meredith opened her eyes and found Derek's – and they stayed in that moment, the one they both cherished for all time, the moment of the ultimate connection – the one before the passion and the moaning and the groping and the sexing – the moment when time stood still and the puzzle of them was complete ... words failed them still._

Without hesitation, Derek leaned down and pressed his juicy lips over Meredith's, her breathing hitched and her muscles clamped down around his cock – _just where she wanted him, for now and for always in the future _– nestled safely within her depths. Derek kissed her soft and easy now as he began to move in and out of her core. Meredith pressed her hips up and back – _her eyes still locked on Derek's deep gateways _– wordlessly offering more of herself to him, she opened her thighs wide, her hands found his skull and she held him there as her endless supply of juice lubricated their machine.

_Derek kissed her senseless then, making love to her mouth and her pussy with the same rhythm. His tongue moving along hers, his cock moving within her – they were fused – they were one and Meredith's heart was stung with pure and utter blissful completion as her want for this man rose to new heights._

_Suddenly all she could smell and hear and taste was her – the essence of her – as it wafted up and consumed her and in this moment, perhaps even more important ... all she could see and feel was his want for her – his never ending love for her – she found it there in his gateways where he always kept it – his small flecks of love for her etched deep within his eyes – those flecks of darkness she found once a long time ago, those flecks she fell in love with first ... before anything else._

_Thick tears of heavy emotion filled her eyes and splashed over her cheeks – Derek leaned down and into her – maintaining that same slow, steady rhythm of movement within her as he flicked her tears away and covered her mouth with his once more before he moved his lips along her chin and down and into her neck, breathing her in – steady pulses – in and out, slowly moving her to a heated frenzy, he felt her muscles begin to contract around his cock, juice flooded again, everything was slippery and wet and easy ... so easy and so deliciously perfect._

"I love you," he whispered against Meredith's ear, tears pricked his eyes; emotion filled him up, clinging now to his woman, his lifeline, his everything.

"I love you," she replied into his, as she held on tight, treading above water, clinging now to her lifeline, her everything.

Derek reached down and pressed his thumb over Meredith's fat clit, adding the perfect amount of pressure to the small bit of her that brought her to a climax every time. Meredith moved her hips up and back, nestling her knees under Derek's forearms – _adding just enough room for his pulses to gently rub against her cervix, just enough to press his thumb against her spot_ – just enough, just for a beat, before she moved her feet back down to the mattress and her orgasm washed over her – _wave after wave after wave of pleasure covered her, smothered her_ – pressed her _down, down, down_ into bliss as she felt Derek pound into her one last time before his orgasm rocked them both into oblivion ... to that place they loved – _that place they managed to find only together _– every single time.

_They held each other then, like they had from the moment they slipped into the warm enclave of the bed linens – only now heat pricked their skin – as the lovers fell in love all over again without desperation now seeking only to maintain their connection – that perfect synchronization of their bodies, minds and spirits – with no storms on the horizon and only the quiet stars and a lonely bright white moon above them ... for now and forever._

***

Later that night, Derek awoke with a start, the room only illuminated by a small triangle of dim light coming from the bathroom _– he had avoided the nightmare once again_ – in fact, he didn't even let himself begin the sequence, he opened his eyes to his reality instead. He found Meredith right where he left her, sleeping right next to him ... right where she was meant to be. She was in a deep sleep, facing him, her hand resting protectively over her belly, he smiled. Her skin was flushed, rosy, glowing from all that was happening within her and around her, he mused. Her breathing was regular, easy and comfortable.

Derek's eyes moved over the small space – _he looked again at her desk_ – the flower he had given her, still in the same spot. His eyes fell on her books all standing up, those she was reading prior to her departure and he smiled at the thought of the litany of pregnancy books she would soon add to that small collection. Curiously, his eyes fell on one book, the light from the bathroom cascaded down along its spine as he read the title – _'__The Official U. S. Army __Survival Handbook' – _he threw the covers back, the cooler damp air attacked his naked skin, but he paid it no mind as he crossed the room and pulled the book from its leafed through the book and smiled at the irony its contents _– the keys to survival_ – he could have used something like this a long time ago … he smiled again and then he had an idea.

He crossed the room to his carryon and pulled Meredith's letter for him from the inside pocket, then he moved back to the desk, opened the book and slipped the letter inside – _fitting the envelope deep into the spine, he took a deep breath_ – the letter belonged there … another perfect fit because somehow Derek knew his delivery of the letter back to Meredith – _especially given the contents_ – had proved that they had indeed moved beyond _surviving each other_ and that they were finally _living together_. He closed the book and put it back in its place.

He turned away from the desk and crossed the room and closed the light in the bathroom. He made to return to bed when he spotted Meredith's bag on the floor, just enough light from the moon still. He leaned down and pulled a bag of green mangos from her satchel, each just beginning to ripen. He smiled and crossed the room to the window where he carefully lined the mangos up on the sill. Derek could already smell the sweet nectar from the fruit and he smiled as he placed the last one there, where they could ripen in the sun and become ready for Meredith. He heard the sheets rustle behind him.

"_Come back to bed,"_ came the soft timbre of her voice. He turned around to find her. "I'm cold," she added sleepily. Derek smiled, crossed the room and slipped into bed next to his lover, Meredith instinctually rolled into him and he pressed a kiss to her forehead, his nose in her hair as he closed his eyes. "Much better," she whispered; her ear over his heart. "Now sleep," she said ... and he did.

**Chapter 15 to follow.**


	33. Chapter 15, These Are Days, Part 1 of 4

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al. **

**Author's Note: Well, I love this chapter too, I think I love this story, a lot and it gives me a lot of pleasure to share it with you. Again, if you are too shy, try a PM.**

**Natalie Merchant is amazing and so are 10,000 Maniacs, perfect song for this chapter. ****NOTE: The four parts of this chapter span over a week's time on Bali ... four distinct days. Enjoy!**

**Chapter 15 – ****These Are Days**

These are days you'll remember.  
Never before and never since, I promise, will the whole world be warm as this.  
And as you feel it, you'll know it's true that you are blessed and lucky.  
It's true that you are touched by something that will grow and bloom in you.

These are days you'll remember.  
When May is rushing over you with desire to be part of the miracles you see in every hour.  
You'll know it's true that you are blessed and lucky.  
It's true that you are touched by something that will grow and bloom in you.

These are days.

These are the days you might fill with laughter until you break.  
These days you might feel a shaft of light make its way across your face.  
And when you do you'll know how it was meant to be.  
See the signs and know their meaning.  
It's true; you'll know how it was meant to be.  
Hear the signs and know they're speaking to you, to you.

**Chapter 15 – ****These Are Days – Part 1 of 4**

Over the course of the next week, the lovers quickly feel into a routine – _work, play, swim, eat, cook, explore, play, play, play_ – they took to the habit of swimming in the warm ocean or the hotel's refurbished pool in the early evening hours, a nice way to cleanse the mind, body and soul from the day at the clinic. Meredith wondered why she never made time for this at home – _although decompressing while a surgical intern was virtually unheard of_ – but it was something she hoped she could change when they eventually made their way back.

Owen sometimes joined them too, which was good for him and actually having Derek there had proved to be good for Owen on many levels – _both Meredith and Derek agreed_ – that while he was suffering from post traumatic stress disorder (and presently ignoring his symptoms), it helped him to have male companionship and camaraderie in an environment where danger was less likely to the band of brothers. Their circumstances decreased the stress of forming friendships with both Derek and Meredith because there was not a great threat of harm to them under his watchful eye here. In order to overcome his demons, Owen really needed to bond and connect with people who were not in need of him – _he needed mutual friendships, he needed to forge attachments _– he needed to remember what it was like so he could eventually survive and find his way back to … life. Which they noticed he was slowly accomplishing – _with the extra pair of hands at the clinic_ – he was spending less of his free time there and would invariably end up swimming in the ocean or running for miles down the beach or playing a nightly game of chess with Derek in the open air _library-lounge_ which sat right off of the pool.

Most evenings after her swim, Meredith poured into their endless supply of pregnancy books, saving one particular volume – _'__Your Pregnancy Week By Week' _– for she and Derek to read together every Saturday evening when their pregnancy week turned over. Derek spent most of his _true_ free time working with Owen on a special project they liked to call _'Project Meri'_, and while Meredith had an idea what the project entailed, she was out of the loop on specifics and had long-since given up asking for information because every time she did, Derek said he wanted to make a surprise for her and that she would know soon enough. Thoughtfully, Meredith knew she had no room to complain, for she noticed the surgeon in each man coming through – _their propensity to find solutions and resources was stronger than ever_ – and she felt this project in the end would move and propel and change them in ways they never anticipated. And who was she kidding; it would likely change her too.

_Because change and growth was everywhere now – within her, all around her – there was not a single facet of their lives on the island that was not changing or moving or growing, for Meredith had to admit – it was a beautiful thing all around – to witness the tenacious beauty of the island slowly triumph over the tragedy that marred it so deeply._

The fortitude and growth of the villagers was obvious now too as the _Doctors Without Borders_ triage clinic began to fade into the background of everyday life and emergent cases became few and far between – _the natural supply and demand of their service_ – was coming to a close now with most villagers showing up solely for follow-ups or sanitation kits – _the most egregious offenders of the tsunami: disease, infection, malnutrition _– were almost distant memories now as the villagers and life on the island persevered and moved on from the perfect storm of their past – _and it seemed the villagers were not the only inhabitants forging ahead_ – for Meredith would be remiss if she didn't believe that she and Derek and Owen were doing their fair share of … _moving_.

And moving they were – _blowing like the wind through the days they had left on the island paradise_ – as each day seemed like a beautiful continuation of the dream of the day before that and before that and before that, while each night when Meredith finally closed her eyes – _her mind became flooded with the sights and sounds of their precious life and times here_ – and she hoped she might always see fragments of her experiences here, that she might remember those indelible times and maybe even smile in her sleep.

_Derek, Derek, Derek_

_The endless deep blue ocean merging with the bright blue sky … the same color as her lover's gentle eyes …_

_The artist's palate of Balinese cooking … colorful handfuls of traditional spices used for everyday cooking (base gede) …_

_Ecru shallots. Red chilies. White garlic. Brown galangal (like ginger). Fleshy candlenuts. Black peppercorns. Pink shrimp paste. Yellow turmeric. Green chilies too. _

_Ketut's brown hands, her white hands working the mortar and pestle, together …_

_Vibrant saris, intricate Batik designs, beautiful tapestries …_

_Offerings to the Gods …_

_Rows and rows of perfectly white teeth made for perfectly peaceful smiles …_

_Lush, green rice paddies – their presence and growth a signal to all – life on Bali thrives …_

_The old black and white chessboard – pawns standing tall – ready for play …_

_Rich green banana leaves, sweet rice, marigold and white flowers – traditional offerings to the Gods – she too, has learned this ritual …_

_Derek, Derek, Derek_

_Wayan's aura – his angelic face – his stunning energy…_

_Sweet, thick coconut milk …_

_Beautiful indigenous grains of rice – white, black, red, sticky – all central to the islanders' diet…_

_A set of unrecognizable bright green eyes …_

_Owen's new smile …_

_Fresh and clean jasmine tea …_

_The aura of Ketut …_

_Derek within the temple walls – Pura Rambut Siwi – never seemed so magical …_

_Rich brown soil – re-growth evident – rebirth unstoppable now …_

_Her beloved mango – baby soft ripe skin, juicy flesh, perfectly sweet and satisfying – every single time …_

_Derek, Derek, Derek_

Presently Meredith hugged Ketut one last time before he handed her a large paper bag filled with her delectable creations from the last couple of hours they spent together. He smiled brightly now as he placed a big fat, ruby red mango in her hands and winked with his own knowing smile, having full knowledge of her insane craving for the island fruit. She giggled and added the fruit to her bag, once again dismayed by how natural this all felt for her – _to be here in this kitchen with virtual strangers_ – coupled with a huge language barrier, only to feel perfectly at home.

Meredith had met Ketut on two other occasions since their meeting last week and planned to come again a couple of times the following week, for there were several methods she wanted to master before she departed, all of course were typical Balinese staples – _base gede, satay, tempe manis (fried sweet tempe), tum (chicken cooked in banana leaves) _– and well worth the practice, each oh, so tasty and rich and cultural – _for the methods were largely undocumented, simply passed down from generation to generation_ – which only fueled Meredith's desire to learn even more, _given her lack of family traditions_, she was drawn to this idea – and _could only hope to bring these practices home and one day pass them on_ – hoping it would become her own way of remembering this experience throughout her lifetime and beyond.

Ketut held her forearm as she walked with him through the lively kitchen – _saying goodbye to her friends there as she went, Ketut waved to her one more time _– as she put her sunglasses on, exited the backdoor and stepped into the damp, heavy and very sticky afternoon air. Meredith took a deep breath and craned her neck up – _not a cloud in the sky now_ – but the ground was still wet from the heavy afternoon shower that prompted the early close of the clinic, that moisture was now rising off of the asphalt and earth – _twirling, swirling steam_ – as the strong sun beat down on the island once again. She turned the small corner and headed down the main street toward the hotel carport, placing a silent bet that she would find Derek and Owen exactly where she left them … in a concentrated game of chess.

She rounded the last curve of the street and stepped under the shade of the carport, heading directly down the pathway and smiled – _hot pink hibiscus flowers, plentiful now_ – as she made her way to the garden and pool, suddenly thankful she was smart enough to slip her favorite deep purple tankini on underneath her sari and tank top before she left to meet up with Ketut, for now she could dive right into the refreshing salt water pool without having to go upstairs first. She passed the entrance to the walled garden and rounded the corner to the _pool-library-lounge_ area and stopped for a second to admire the view, _and she wasn't talking about the beautiful surroundings_ as much as the sight before her.

_For even though she had watched Derek and Owen play chess many times since they fell into their schedule, it still warmed her heart to see the men relaxing – their minds occupied by something other than life and death decisions – because being a surgeon is a tough business and it doesn't take a brain surgeon to figure out that sooner or later, everyone has a breaking point – whether it be a failed marriage or the deaths of countless friends – the cause doesn't matter, the point is that everyone needs a minute every once in a while … it seemed to Meredith that Bali was their minute._

She smiled and approached them. The clean ocean air wafted up as a breeze moved through the poolside area, her eyes darted to the sparkling water and followed down to the length of the pool where the elegant drop off was … it was seamless, the water just ran off the edge and was recycled back into the pool filter. She marveled; if she were in the water – _she would only see the ocean in front of her, for as far as her eyes could see_ – although there was a good mile of beach between the pool and the shoreline. _It was a stunning bit of suspension of reality, nothing short of an architectural masterpiece. _She bypassed the pool and headed toward the open air _library-lounge_, yet another lovely idea, for this _'room'_ had only one retaining wall, the rest of the woven steeple roof was solely supported by three large columns. The lone wall housed a floor-to-ceiling shelving system made from teak and cherry wood and within that stood one eclectic collection of books – _from salacious summer reads from the American and Brits to old Japanese novels to books on the Australian Outback to Spanish cookbooks to a collection of children's stories to an assemblage of how-to books_ – all tolled it was the result of a healthy book exchange that seemed to take on a life and culture all its own. The room was complete some old coffee tables a comfortable deep brown sofa and several woven teak and cherry wingback chairs, it was simple and lovely.

Meredith stepped under the small woven roof and onto the wooden floor. Derek glanced up from the game – _his focused eyes softened, he smiled and so did she_ – neither said a word as she set her bags down on a nearby chair. She tossed her hair up in a messy pony tail and surveyed the chessboard for a moment. It must be Owen's move she mused silently as Derek's eyes were still on her. She winked and pulled on the knot to her newest sari (one of blue and green with hand-woven tassels at the ends) and unraveled the silky material. She folded it, slipped her shoes and her tank top off and headed for the pool, _all under Derek's watchful eye_, of course.

As she crossed the small space to the poolside, she looked out over the vast white beach and endless blue ocean and was lost for a moment as she took in the beautiful orange sky – _tufts of pink and lavender were there too_ – she would swim to the end of the pool and watch the sun sink into the ocean, marking another end to what was another perfectly balanced day – _work, cook, swim … and hopefully play _– on the beautiful island paradise in the middle of the deep blue ocean.

_Meredith slipped into the calm water – warmed like bathwater from the sun's hot rays – and pushed off the last step, submersing herself into the depths of near-bliss. Small bubbles massaged her skin as the vacuum of silence swallowed her whole, she let her mind wander to the baby and let herself enjoy the weightless, floating feeling right along with him or her –mother and child perfectly connected and in sync now – somehow in the same universe for a moment in time. She relaxed into the moment and moved purposefully now – stroke by stroke with precision, for she was a good swimmer – she neared the end of the pool and came up for a breath of fresh air._

When she opened her eyes, the sun had already dipped closer to the ocean's surface. She rested her forearms along the edge of the pool and took a long deep breath. She let her lower body float as she watched the sight before her, always amazed, always happy to see the sunset after so many missed opportunities since she had been back in Seattle. Somewhere in the recesses of her wandering mind she heard a splash behind her, she didn't have to look to know Derek would be upon her in less than a minute. The sound of his strokes became closer and closer and Meredith turned around, one hand on the edge of the pool as he came to push his way through the water and into her personal space.

"Hi," he said breathlessly, the bubble of them came down and captured her now that he was upon her.

"Hi," she greeted, leaning in she wasted no time before she covered his mouth with a wet salty kiss, soft and quick.

_She eyed him curiously as he surveyed her too, something they seemed to be doing a lot of lately – checking on each other, making sure of each other – each now seeing a mirror of the other … completely stress free, sparkling eyes, wet flushed cheeks, they were nothing but happy._

"How was your game?" she asked, turning her attention back to the sunset. Derek came to rest his forearms next hers, elbow to elbow they hung together, weightless.

"I let him win," he laughed at the ridiculousness of his statement, for Owen was a far better strategic player than he.

"I bet you did," she laughed along with him.

"How's Ketut? How was your lesson?" Derek asked, pressing a small wet kiss on Meredith's smooth shoulder, he just couldn't help himself.

"Fun, really fun … I'm getting the hang of it, he packed enough for us for dinner," she said reflectively, catching Derek's eyes with hers and then she giggled.

"What?" he asked, taking in her beauty, the way the sunlight fell on her face, he would surely miss that when they went back to Seattle.

"The smell of the raw chicken made me a little nauseated today, but …," her laugh trailed off, thinking about surgery now, wondering how she would ever get back into the game, for raw clean chicken was nothing compared to flesh and blood. She shivered at the thought, vowing with a private smile to never tell Cristina.

"But you stayed strong …," Derek finished for her with a wry grin, moving behind her now.

He boxed her in, his body heat radiating around her as he held on to the edge with one hand, dropped his chin to her shoulder and moved his other hand through the warm water down low around her abdomen. His touch warm and grounding, his fingers disappearing underneath her elastic tank top now as Meredith leaned into his heat – _closing her eyes for the moment_ – enjoying their connection with their miracle before she opened her eyes as the wind pushed against her, whipping up all around them; the sun almost touching the water's surface, the natural lull of the water massaging their bones and nerves.

"I'm proud of you," Derek said softly, pushing his nose into the back of her ear. "You smell so good," he added, breathing her in, salty like the ocean, sweet like a mango.

"I'm proud of you too," she whispered, wholly disappearing into him. "You feel good," she added softly as she melted inside. "Look, it's almost gone," she sighed in reference to the sun, the sky a rainbow now.

"Another beautiful day, even with the rain … who knew rain could be so beautiful?" he asked softly. Meredith sighed as the sun disappeared for good.

"How is he?" she asked quietly, keeping her eyes trained on the horizon.

_Derek hesitated before he answered, while he believed Owen was letting go of his traumatic stress little by little, he also knew that Meredith wanted nothing more than to leave Owen knowing he would fare better on his next assignment and his life thereafter. She had high hopes for his 'movement' beyond his current state and in all truthfulness neither man wanted to let her down._

"Hmm, he's barely holding on some days, chess helps I think, it keeps him busy when he's not," Derek muttered, he couldn't sugar-coat it, even if he wanted to.

"What does he need to do …?" she asked quietly, watching the bright colors swirl in the sky.

"Honestly, he shouldn't take this next assignment he's waiting for – _he's hiding, not surviving_ – but he's a grown man and I'm not his doctor," he sighed with frustration.

"You could be more than that Derek," she sighed. "You could be his friend," she said, knowing that Derek had a hard time letting his guard down for friendship after Mark's betrayal.

"I'll talk to him," he said with a resigned sigh. "What should I say?" he asked after a beat.

"Tell him … if he wants to survive it," she smiled, turning around in Derek's arms, the cooler water swirling in between them as she did. "It might help if he has something to live for …," she said strongly, wrapping her legs around Derek's torso, her feet clasped around his waist along the line of his navy swim trunks. She kissed him, holding his skull while he held onto the pool edge with both hands.

"Speaking from experience now… hmm," he stated with a smile, pressing kisses to her shoulder near the strap of her tank. "Go on," he muttered against her wet skin.

"He needs to find the will to survive and live beyond the demons …," she added thoughtfully, pressing herself against her lover, her heart trembling as she locked her eyes on his.

"Like you did…," Derek said softly with a knowing smile.

"Like you did ...," Meredith whispered into his ear. "We made it to the other side, Derek … he can do it too," she added.

_Derek pulled back – his love for Meredith soaring – her will and determination always forged ahead. He pressed his lips together knowing everyone was not like her – that she was in a league all her own – that her painful childhood made her dark, but it also made her stronger than most, but even that … even with everything she endured, it wasn't the same as Owen's loss of himself and his own life._

"He might Meredith," Derek sighed. "He might make it … but he might not," he cautioned, holding her close. "His life … his life is unlike ours – _his pain is insurmountable, not to say yours or mine is not_ – but he's carried it with him for a long time," he breathed. "He had people he cared about_ bleed out in front of his eyes_, not just patients … but friends – _he lives with no hope_ – and he needs to let go in order to really survive, he needs to let go of his control …," Derek summarized evenly.

"And only he can do that …" she agreed quietly, knowing Derek was right.

"Yes, only he can – _just like we did_ – but there's still one major difference," he paused for a beat. "We had each other ...," he said with a tight smile. "Even when we didn't …," Derek reasoned softly, pressing his lips together.

"Yes, we did," she sighed, holding him close, nothing but damp heat between them now. "But you think if he doesn't take the next assignment, it will force him to _open his eyes wider_ … to somehow see beyond his own tragic circumstances?" she asked willfully.

"I think … _what he's doing isn't working and he should try something else_, he needs interaction, he needs to find some inspiration," Derek sighed, leaning his forehead against Meredith's, her arms around his neck, holding him close, his lifeline for now and always.

"Like I did," she whispered, pushing her nose against his, her hands submersed in his damp locks again.

"Like I did," he repeated, smiling tightly. "He needs some kind of strength from another source, he can't _save_ everyone Meredith, and neither can we …," he said evenly before he closed his mouth over hers ... just to connect, just for a moment.

Meredith pulled away. "Do you think he wants to be _saved_?" Meredith asked seriously.

"I think so … slightly different than survival – _being saved_ – we'll see what we can do," Derek answered, before he kissed her once more … soft and quick, darting his tongue into her depths, just a taste was all he needed. "Let's get you out of the water," he muttered.

_The lovers swam to the side of the pool and used the wooden steps to exit; Derek hung back as Meredith took to the steps. He followed suit, the salt water cascaded down his body as they walked along the side of the pool, the warm air suddenly felt cool against his wet skin; he spied fresh goose bumps along Meredith's glowing flesh. Derek took a second then to admire her body ... the swing of her hips, her round plump derrière, the swell of her breasts – her figure was slightly fuller, but the extra couple of pounds only added to her already sexy physique – for after he went back to Addison she'd lost a good amount of weight – the stress behind their separation coupled with her life as an intern – did not go unnoticed by him and admittedly Derek worried about her … almost all the time. He stepped up his pace and grabbed a couple of clean towels from a stack along the side of the pool. He draped one over her shoulders and followed her intense gaze to find she was watching Owen._

The man paced much like Derek when deep in thought, his cell phone pressed to his ear now as the lovers walked toward the _library-lounge_. Derek draped his arm along Meredith's shoulders. Owen saw them from the corner of his eye and turned around. He mouthed _'Peter'_ and pointed to the phone with a smile. He laughed into the line.

"Something like that," as said as he continued to pace.

Derek watched Meredith now as she dried herself off, no doubt keeping an ear to Owen's side of the conversation as she pulled her sari out and began to tie it around herself the Balinese way. Derek smiled as Owen paced outside of the _library-lounge_ and walked toward the pool, full well knowing why Peter had called (and for once it wasn't only to check on his old buddy). Derek turned his attention back to Meredith.

"How many of those do you have now?" Derek teased, making light of Meredith's new obsession with saris.

"Not nearly enough," she sassed with a smile, but her eyes softened and gave her away. "You know ...," she sighed. "I'm not an indulgent person ...," she reasoned.

"I know," he said simply.

"I think I'm just sentimental or something, I feel like if I have enough – _enough tangible reminders_ – maybe I won't forget this island so quickly ...," she said looking away. "I want to move on, but in some ways I don't ... at least not from here," she sighed sadly.

"Oh," Derek sighed as he pulled his tee-shirt on. "Hey," he said as he approached, coming to stand directly in front of her, his hands found her hips like magnets. She looked up, striking him with her fiery green eyes. "We won't forget ... we'll remind each other," he offered softly, she slipped a dry tank top over her tankini and smiled.

"I'd like that," she sighed, holding his eyes steady for a beat before they darted over his shoulder, likely checking Owen's proximity. She leaned closer and kissed him – _soft and quick at first _– and then with more pressure, just enough to connect. She pulled away and Derek watched her cheeks come to life. She smiled under his scrutiny. "So ... dinner?" she choked out.

"Yeah, sure ... I can help you," he replied.

Leaning down, he took the paper bag and Meredith began to pull her wares from it. Owen made his circuit again and Derek watched Meredith follow him with her eyes for a beat as he came to stand right on the edge of the wooden floor.

"It's pennies on the dollar ... _really_ ... for all of us", Owen said into the line as he paused for a beat, making eye contact with Derek. He held up one finger and smiled; the blue hazel of his eyes brighter now. "Elitist or not ... it'll be fine," he sighed, listening intently to Peter. He chuckled. "Hey, life's a pisser, what can I say ...," he counseled with a wry grin. He gave Derek an excited _'thumbs up'_.

Derek watched Meredith as she tried to put the pieces together, he smiled. Meredith smiled back and busied herself with moving the chess set to another small coffee table before setting out the creations she'd made for dinner – _the food was fresh and fragrant and plentiful_ – and Derek could see the sparkling pride in her eyes as she sat down and sighed with satisfaction. Derek sat down next to her on the small sofa; she handed the ripe mango to him and winked.

"Is this washed?" he asked with a chuckle.

"Not sure, Ketut handed it to me before I left," she said with a smile.

_Derek stood, grabbed his bottle of water and walked out of the covered area toward the manicured lawn off to the right of the pool. He could hear Owen's side of the conversation now as they both were standing beyond the library-lounge; he poured water over the mango, lightly massaging the soft skin before he closed the water bottle and headed back to Meredith. Once there, he took a plastic knife and began to peel the ripe juicy fruit, stopping halfway around to cut a piece for Meredith. Her melodic giggle filled the air as he handed it to her – her eyes were literally shining as she tasted her sweet treat – her happiness was true evidence of her transformation and he hoped she would always be as happy as she was right here, right now._

_Derek glanced_ _at Owen then; whose eyes were shining too – it looked like this thing, this project might actually come to fruition – and Derek for one couldn't have been happier, he sighed with relief. For it seemed Peter's parents were amenable to the idea of a partnership in the tax shelter Derek and Owen were creating to make a Free Women's Health Clinic on Bali, appropriately named 'Meri House', and appropriately located at the triage clinic they would leave behind when their assignment was complete._

_Over the last week, Owen and Derek had spoken with Peter and he in turn contacted his friend over at Doctors Without Borders, who agreed to relinquish the furnishings of the clinic to them and speak to the Balinese government on their behalf about the shelter and the project. Peter also called his suppliers and arranged for a standing order for common medical supplies used in his clinic … rubber gloves, speculums, antibacterial agents, fetal stethoscopes, pamphlets and other books on women's health and hygiene. All of which – the building, the supplies and a small salary for the person they chose to run the clinic – would be paid for via the tax shelter, a four-way split between Derek, Owen, Larissa and Peter and his parents. It seemed the timing was perfect and everything was coming together._

"They're right here," Owen said pulling Derek from his reverie.

Derek cut the last piece of mango and placed it on the plate next to the chicken satay Meredith had prepared. Owen sat down across from the lovers and held the phone down and away to engage the speaker phone.

"How's the connection?" he asked, holding the phone out, he placed it on the small table between them.

"_Just fine old boy,"_ came Peter's sing song voice. Meredith and Derek smiled.

"Hi Peter," Meredith said before she handed Owen a paper plate.

"Hey Pete," Derek chimed in, taking a small plate for himself. "Where's your better half?" he chided, winking at Meredith.

"_Larissa's on her way down to my office here,"_ he replied. _"She's been wondering about you Meredith,"_ he added softly. _"How are you feeling?"_ he asked, more her doctor than her friend at the moment.

"Oh, I'm fine ... everything seems fine, I think I'm gaining weight actually ...," she giggled, her eyes falling on the abundance of food spread out before them, all of her new favorites.

"Meredith's taking cooking lessons," Owen interjected happily before taking another bite of his satay and sweet sticky rice.

"_Is that so? Larissa will be green with envy,"_ he laughed and then stopped short. _"Speak of the devil,"_ he said; his voice softer now.

"_The devil?"_ came Larissa's recognizable pitch as she shrieked in mock-defense. _"Peter, whatever happened to the love of your life?"_ she admonished in a hushed tone, but everyone could tell she was smiling.

"_Oh, love ...,"_ Peter sighed. _"She's right here ... come sit with me, my peach," _he added, and it was likely she did just that.

"_Meredith darling, I trust you're keeping them in line?"_ Larissa asked into the phone.

"I'm trying to," Meredith smiled, taking a bite of fried tempe.

"She's doing a fine job," Derek chimed in, winking at Meredith as he did.

"_And how are you Daddy to be?"_ Larissa inquired. _"Bali's wonderful, isn't it, Derek?"_ she sighed wistfully.

"It is," he agreed. "More so than I could have imagined," he said thoughtfully. He took a piece of _tum_ and added it to his plate.

"_And the baby,"_ she asked softly_. "How do you feel Meredith? You know you must drink a ton of water to avoid dehydration ... and bottled water!"_ she exclaimed. _"It must be bottled!"_ she repeated.

"_Yes, and Meredith, with those cooking lessons, you must wash your hands – especially given the conditions there – use gel sanitizer, carry it with you,"_ Peter chirped up.

"I will, I am ...," Meredith giggled.

"_Listen to us ...,"_ Peter said with a chuckle. _"We're incorrigible," _he cackled into the line.

"I don't mind it one bit, you'll keep _me_ in line it seems," Meredith offered with a smile, it was good to hear their voices.

"How are you both?" Derek asked after a second, having mostly spoken to Peter in regards to the clinic.

"_We're wonderful,"_ Peter answered. _"We've just readying ourselves to go on a holiday,"_ he offered jovially.

"Where are you headed?" Derek asked with interest, taking another piece of _tum_.

"_To Bora-Bora, darling,"_ Larissa answered. _"Peter's booked a bungalow over the water for ten days," _she added softly.

"Sounds lovely ... and tropical," Meredith replied with a smile.

"_And hopefully optimal too,"_ Larissa added wistfully, her voice quiet, subdued even.

Meredith caught the reflection in Larissa's voice and her hand flew to her belly, she locked eyes with Owen and he nodded in assent. Derek watched with interest – _Meredith's aura was so strong for a moment_ – it covered them all like a heavy blanket. He smiled and rested his free hand on her knee.

"I hope so too, Larissa ... I really, really do," Meredith replied quietly.

"_It will be, my peach,"_ came Peter's soft voice and all was silent for a beat.

"So," Owen said. "When do you take off?" he continued, smoothly changing the subject.

"_In two weeks time,"_ Peter answered. _"But Meredith, Derek ... you call if you need anything,"_ he cautioned.

"Yes, sure we will," Derek answered.

"_And you'll use that Doppler next week then?"_ Larissa chimed in, already back to business.

"Yes, that's the plan," Meredith said happily ... secretly she had been counting down the days to the twelve-week mark so they could try to hear the baby's heartbeat.

"_And you'll let us know the beats per minute,"_ Larissa instructed with interest.

"We'll send a text," Derek replied. "Make the world even smaller," he laughed.

"_Yes, yes ... we will – so small – we'll all manage to see each other again one day ...,"_ Peter said thoughtfully.

"It's a goal, it'll happen," Derek agreed.

Larissa's stifled yawn came through the line. _"Oh, my goodness, sorry about that,"_ she said with a soft chuckle.

"_That's our cue ... I have to feed my lover here,"_ Peter cooed. _"She skipped lunch and if I'm not on top of things, she'll fall asleep on my lap here without dinner too,"_ he laughed.

"_It's nothing I haven't done before,"_ Larissa countered.

"_This is true,"_ Peter laughed; his affection evident, even through the phone line. _"So, Owen, Derek, we'll keep in touch, right boys?" _he asked.

"Right," Owen said.

"Bye Larissa," Meredith said as she cut her mango slices with the side of her fork.

"_Bye Meredith, love,"_ she replied. _"And remember, drink lots of bottled water,"_ she cautioned one last time.

"I will, bye for now," Meredith answered.

"_Bye lovers,"_ Peter cackled and then they were gone.

Owen closed the phone and smiled tightly. "They've been trying for a baby for quite some time ...," he offered thoughtfully. "I suppose it's all about timing," he said looking up with a knowing smile.

Meredith and Derek exchanged a glance and a knowing smile. "I suppose life is about timing, really ...," Derek agreed and Meredith smiled widely.

"I think this whole thing – _this adventure_ – has been about that ... realizing perfect timing," she said with her new smile.

"I think so too," Derek answered, again mystified by the amazing turn of events in their lives.

"So, Meredith, what are you feeding us?" Owen asked with interest, "This dish, right here," he said pointing to the _tum_. "That's good stuff," he complimented.

"It's called _tum, _its chicken with a basic mixture of spices, then wrapped and cooked inside the banana leaf," she answered.

"It's really good Meredith," Derek said. "Do you think you can replicate it?" he asked with interest.

Meredith laughed. "Probably not – _there are no recipes_ – Ketut uses a pinch of this, a handful of that ...," she shook her head. "I guess there will be some fun in trying to get it right," she giggled.

"Well, you have your notebook," Derek offered with a smile, knowing Meredith had been keeping copious notes.

"Yes, I do," Meredith agreed. "Generations of secrets ... we'll see what I can do over time," she said reflectively.

"Well," Owen smiled. "You're tenacious if nothing else," he said with a laugh.

"I could say the same about the both of you," she countered with a wry grin. "When are you gonna tell me more about this project?" she asked, unable to stifle her interest.

"Soon," Owen replied, flecks mischief in his hazel eyes now.

"Couple of days, tops," Derek smiled.

"Good enough," Meredith said softly, her eyes locked on Derek's now. She leaned in and kissed his cheek, this time in front of Owen. "Take all the time you need," she whispered his ear. "I'm not going anywhere," she added and melted inside.

**Chapter 15 – These Are Days – Part 2 of 4 to follow.**


	34. Chapter 15, These Are Days, Part 2 of 4

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al. **

**Author's Note: Thanks for the lovely comments, please continue to let me know your thoughts, they are as important to me as this story is … Happy Mother's Day to those mothers and grandmothers who are reading. Enjoy.**

**Chapter 15 – These Are Days – Part 2 of 4**

Derek awoke and instinctually rolled over to find Meredith. The bed was empty; he opened his tired eyes and scanned the clock – _5:42 AM_ – he turned away from the small glare, predawn light filtered into the simple room. The air was sticky and hot, hotter than it should be for the early hour, he thought with a tight smile as he listened for sounds of Meredith over the whirl of the ceiling fan. He looked to the bathroom door, it was slightly open, he heard the flush of the toilet – _maybe Meredith had already finished her morning ritual _– he sighed, staring at the door for a beat longer, deciding he would go in if he heard her start up again. He knew Meredith preferred her privacy while she was _'hugging the porcelain goddess of pregnancy'_, her words, not his. And most of the time he gave it to her, but sometimes he just couldn't help but to be with her. _God, he hoped her bouts with nausea subsided soon, he hated this part and he wished he could just make it stop._

He pulled the sheet back and only then did he hear the shower come to life ...it seemed she was okay for now. He pressed his feet to the tacky, sticky floor, already damp with humidity. He stood, crossed the room and grabbed his cell phone and a vile of eye drops, taking the couple of minutes now to check his voicemail before the day got away from him again. He entered the pass codes and pressed the phone to his ear. He walked to the window; he had two new messages, the first from his mother – _her serious, but melodic_ – voice funneled into his ear.

"_Derek ... sweetheart, thank you for the call. I'm glad you're safe and well and I can't argue with your decision to take the assignment there on Bali ... I ... I would expect you to follow Meredith ... if you love her ... and ... certainly if she loves you. Those people there are in need of people like you and ... I think you need it too, to connect to things happening in the world that are bigger than you ... perspective is where I'm headed with this. I'm happy for you, son ... you sounded happy – __a bit elusive__ – but happy ... your voice sounded young and free and I haven't heard that from you in quite a long time. I won't judge you, Derek ... and even if you're grown up, you're still my boy and as your mother ... I just want you to find happiness in your life and from the sound of your voice and your words ... I think you have. When you have time, call me again and until then ... work hard. And play ... play a little too, Derek. Bye for now."_

Derek pressed the _hold_ button, fresh tears clouded his eyes, he blinked and those tears spilled from his eyes – _so much for the eye drops_ – he thought as he pushed the backs of his hands over his cheeks, wiping his tears of happiness away. He saved the message so he could play it for Meredith later. The contractor's baritone voice cracked through the line.

"_Dr. Shepherd. Quick call here to let you know we're ahead of schedule. We managed to add the nursery without incident, good timing on that ... any later would have resulted in delays. We'll be raising the roof in two days time and I would venture to say we'll be finished in about three weeks time, although I would make a caveat on that ... give or take three or four days on either side of that time frame. I will contact you if anything comes up. Stay well over there, now."_

Derek sighed and deleted the message. He heard the shower die off in the background – _in three weeks time _– they would be back in Seattle, they would be home – _they would have a home_ – a place together, _somewhere special besides Meredith's bedroom_, he mused. They would go home together as a couple ... they weren't hiding their relationship anymore, for _any_ reason. They would have a place – _somewhere where all the stress of their life could be left behind_ – kind of like Bali; it would be their own island ... their sanctuary, or so he hoped. A wave of nervous excitement passed through his body then, for even though Meredith knew about the cabin and he was positive she would want to live with him and raise the baby together _– he still wanted to ask her, it was their future, he knew that and so did she_ – he wanted to ask her and he wanted to do it in some kind of special way ... and time was of the essence. He set his phone and the eye drop vile down on the desk, raked his hands through his damp hair and headed for the bathroom, standing outside the door for a beat now as his thoughts swirled around in his mind.

_He wanted nothing more than to open the plans for the cabin and share his ideas with her and he hoped to God she would like what he came up with for them... because it was designed with that vision of them – together and happy – that dream of them he held in his mind's eye for so long now._

Shaking himself out of his reverie, he pushed on the door slightly. "You decent?" he kidded with a smirk, he heard her snort through the door.

"_Yeah,"_ came her muffled answer. Derek pushed the door open only to find Meredith naked as the day she was born. She was brushing her teeth, this time he snorted.

"Brazen, aren't we?" he teased as she pulled the brush from her mouth.

"No ... just naked," she shushed with a grin and then went back to brushing.

She smirked into the mirror, catching the reflection of his eyes with hers as he came to stand behind her. He moved closer still, his hands found the natural curve of her hips – _her skin, baby soft_ – he planted his wet lips to her shoulder and ran them up to her ear, all the while peeking up at her.

_Derek's heart raced at her beauty, while her heart raced at his proximity. She shivered; he watched her nipples pucker in response; fresh goose bumps covered her skin. She giggled; he moved his hot hands up and cupped her breasts, gently running the pads of this thumbs over her nipples – her core was ignited – his fingers danced down to her abdomen then where they stayed, silently welcoming a new day._

Meredith poured some water into a small cup and rinsed her mouth. She patted her face dry. Derek took his toothbrush from the edge of the sink. She turned around, handed the toothpaste to him and stepped into his space, her hands found the waistband of his boxers. She kissed his cheek – _chest to breast_ – he leaned into her touch.

"Morning," she whispered for his ears only.

"Morning," he said, watching the sparkle in her eyes wake up; he began to brush his teeth.

They switched places. Meredith poured some water into the cup for him and rested it on the sink ledge. He took it, rinsed his mouth and turned back around, this time bringing her flush against him, his hands on her firm tush, they warmed each other up even more – _her skin dewy from her shower still, flushed, perfectly pink, her green eyes clear and happy_ – he all but melted inside.

"Guess what?" she prompted, staggering her feet in between his, coming closer, for despite the already stifling heat, she craved his warmth more than anything ... especially in the morning.

"What?" he said leaning in, his hands moving up to her skull, his fingers in her damp tresses now.

"I didn't throw up this morning," she said softly, knowing he would be just as glad as she.

"Wow," he wondered aloud with a broad smile. "Wow," he said once more before he closed his mouth over hers and they kissed each other senseless for a beat – _stealing each other's breath_ – before he pulled away to take a good look at her.

"I couldn't believe it," Meredith laughed. "I hardly knew what to do with myself," she smiled in recollection.

"I bet," Derek agreed with a smile, folding her into a hug, breathing her in. Her lips brushed up against his collarbone and he relaxed into the warmth of her naked flesh. "Do you have any idea how happy that makes me?" he asked, relief consumed him.

"About as happy as it makes me," she laughed, his skin felt hot to the touch already. "I hope that's it," she sighed, leaning up; she kissed his warm comforting lips.

"Me too," he agreed softly. He took her hand in his and moved it down to her belly; they looked down for a beat. "We have to be careful today," he muttered. "It's hot already."

"I know, lets take some extra water with us," she agreed before she reached up and ran her fingertips along his jaw line. "I wasn't sick!" she giggled, her whole face became light with happiness, he chuckled. "I love you," she said simply and then she smiled.

"And I love you," he answered with a smile of his own.

###

Later that afternoon – _with the steady flow of patients long gone_ – Derek sat with Owen pouring over some last minute items for _'Meri House'_ while Meredith visited with a young girl and her mother. Derek glanced at his watch; it was just after 2:00 PM now. They had the main lights switched off, ample light coming in from the bright afternoon sun. Everything was heavy and sticky. They had grabbed some lunch a couple of hours ago from one of their preferred _warungs_ (food cart vendors, of which there are many) – _and that was the last time he'd seen Meredith drink anything_ – and with the heat wave hovering over the island, Derek worried about her hydration. _He didn't want to be a pest ... but how could he not be? _He'd hand her a cold bottle of water when she was finished, she'd likely take it without making a remark. He took a sip of his water and looked up from his paperwork.

"So ... do you think Ketut will want the clinic?" Derek asked Owen.

"For all the reasons we'll give her ... yes," he answered.

"I think she'll like the educational aspect of a place like this, it's a home base too, plus she can give to the whole village, if what she believes is true about Wayan's gift ... it will make sense to her," Derek offered thoughtfully. "She'll still birth babies on demand, not necessarily here ... but ...," Derek's thoughts drifted – _Meredith, birthing, Meredith_ – he smiled, again processing the idea of fatherhood.

"But ...," Owen prompted, Derek snapped back into reality.

"Do you think we should somehow redesign an exam room for birthing?" he asked. "I'm just thinking ahead – _it could happen_ – or it could evolve into that ... not that she uses modern tools, but ...," he persisted, thinking out loud.

"That's not a bad idea – _let's add that to our list of offerings_ – it can't be that expensive," Owen agreed.

_Derek smiled, this whole project just made him feel better about leaving the island – it made him feel like he would be giving back – in a way that was meaningful for them and for the villagers and for Ketut, who had become an extension of 'them' and clearly part of the small family he and Meredith were becoming. The idea for the clinic was born out of an idea Derek originally had for Wayan. Knowing he wanted to do something for both the boy and the preservation of his healing gift, Derek originally sought to set up a small trust fund for him for his education._

_But Owen interjected and reminded Derek that the Balinese barter for __everything__ – nothing has a set price and there are no 'hand-outs' – and that a gift like that would surely be returned if there were no terms of 'give and take'. It was then that they hatched the plan for the clinic – they would offer a generous salary to Ketut, half of which would go to the trust fund – this way she could work for the idea of promoting women's health __and__ to preserve Wayan's precious gift by being able to provide schooling for him until the age of twenty-one. Thereafter Ketut would receive her salary and the trust fund would dissolve. Now Derek and Owen could only hope she would be amenable to these ideas._

_As time was of the essence, everything had to be submitted to the various attorneys' offices by tomorrow so that by the end of the week, the wheels would be in motion – everyone would sign the papers for the tax shelter and Derek would sign the papers as executor of the trust fund portion – which would also be a tax write-off. Of course, outside of shipping medical supplies to the remote island, the whole thing would cost pennies on the dollar every year because of the strength of the US Dollar over the Indonesia Rupiah._

Owen looked up from his notes. "When do you want to do this?" he asked, keeping his eye on the hallway for Meredith.

"We could ask Ketut if she'd like to meet us for the _Gamelan_ performance on Friday," Derek said thoughtfully.

"We can give the key to her then, _as a gesture_, what do you think?" Owen replied thoughtfully.

"Perfect," Derek agreed – _his mind on the idea and meaning of keys now_ – as he thought about the cabin and the key to the front door there.

_He smiled. Perfect, he thought._

"What's that smile for ... you look like you just struck gold," Owen inquired.

"Oh, something you just said ... well, I was just thinking about how to ask Meredith to move in with me when we get back," Derek said with tight smile.

"You don't think she's already assuming you'll live together?" Owen asked; his brow furrowed.

Derek straightened his notes together and slipped them into his file. "I think she probably is ... but, I'm building a place, a cabin – _I live in a trailer on my land now_ – but I'm building this home and I just think...," Derek sighed. "I just think she deserves for me to ask her – _it's our future_ – the start of it, you know ... it's big," he said reflectively.

"But you're _already_ living together – _your home is with you, inside you _– it doesn't matter if you're there in Seattle or here on Bali...," Owen said. "It seems to me you're already a living entity, the two of you ... or three of you," he reflected.

"Is that how you do it?" Derek asked, his mind moving quickly now.

"Do what?" Owen countered, his eyes sparked with amusement.

"Keep taking assignments; keep moving your home inside yourself?" Derek persisted, his eyes met Owen's.

"It's the only way – _to do this kind of work_ – you have to be a nomad to it, _give yourself away_ to the process," Owen offered simply with a deep sigh. "There's no time to settle down, to build a home, you take it with you," he added thoughtfully.

"Hmm," Derek sighed. "Well, I'm wondering if you shouldn't take this next one," Derek said evenly, his words hung in the humid air between them.

"Why not?" Owen asked simply.

"You know why not," Derek countered, unwilling to budge.

Owen shook his head and chuckled. "You've been talking to Peter," he sparred lightly.

"Yes ... and Meredith," Derek answered. "Look, maybe ...," he breathed. "Maybe you should sit this one out – _go home for a little bit_ –"

"_Home?"_ Owen asked in incredulously. "I haven't been _home_ since I was eighteen, since I joined the army ...," he said softer now as his voice trailed off with his mind moving to the enormity behind his statement.

"Look, carrying your home with you for over twenty years ...," Derek sighed. "It can be hard work."

"It's all I know at this point and there are people in need ... people who have it much worse than I do," Owen sighed.

"I'm not arguing that – _but as a doctor and also a friend_ – I'm sure I'm not saying anything you haven't already heard from Peter ... but maybe you need a break – _maybe you need to connect differently to the outside world, maybe look inside yourself _– get some perspective on what it means to have ... a home. A _physical place_ to call home ... your sanctuary away from your work life ... _your_ _place_," Derek counseled lightly.

_His mind on his mother's words now – on her idea of perspective – and the irony of the timing of this moment, the realization of his abrupt exit from New York to Seattle only to live in a trailer in the middle of nowhere – perspective, yeah ... it can be bitch – but it also can be life changing. For it took Meredith's own abrupt departure to force him to look deep inside himself and find what he was looking for ... inspiration. She inspired him to grow and move and chase his dreams ... and finally build a home. Derek sighed. Without a doubt, Owen needed perspective and inspiration._

"I can't. I have no idea what I'd do with myself ... I don't relate and then everything spins out of control," he sighed, shaking his head. "But ... but when the world is small, the disasters are visible from far away – _I can do more in my life this way_ – it's the nature of the beast," Owen said in defeat.

"I disagree. I think you're hiding from what you really want – _or maybe you don't know what you want _– but I think you should take some time and find out, take a break ...," Derek counseled, unwilling to let up.

"A break," Owen sighed thoughtfully.

"Even a week's vacation before the next assignment ... you're wired too tight and _you know you are_ and you're too smart for this," Derek said. "Meredith says you need to become inspired to want more out of your life – _to live your life on your terms_ – she thinks you need to see something _you want for yourself_ and go after it," he sighed. "And I agree with her, you're not really living on your own terms ... you're not surviving yet," he said with a tight smile.

"A week ... you think a week might help?" Owen asked with a resigned sigh.

"It might be a start," Derek replied, pressing his lips together.

###

Meredith walked down the short hallway – _her patient and her mother following close behind_ – she spotted Derek and Owen sitting in the front office area of the clinic. Both men looked pensive, deep in thought and she could only imagine what was on their minds. The air was stifling, the overhead lights were off and bright shadows moved along their faces as the palms played peek-a-boo with sun in the breeze outside. The young girl – _ten years old, also named Wayan _– had fallen from a high wall during her escape of the tsunami, she had broken her arm in several places and had come in today to have her third cast removed. The men looked up to find the women and smiled softly. Derek's eyes locking on Meredith's for a beat.

"It looks good," Meredith said softly, meeting Owen's eyes for a split-second.

_Wayan held her arm out for Derek and Owen to see. She smiled brightly – her soft brown eyes alive once again – as she moved her arm from elbow to her shoulder with ease._

"It does," Derek agreed with a large smile.

"Thank ... you," said Wayan's mother said slowly, with her own large smile. She ran her fingers along her daughter's healed arm.

She turned to Meredith and gave her a warm hug, Wayan followed suit. Meredith embraced their energy as they walked through the clinic door together. The sun beat down on their shoulders and the villagers took their leave. Meredith sighed, realizing it was likely she would never see them again – _she stood there in the sun and_ _waited until she could no longer see them_ – she waited for them to be lost in the deep sea of people. _She smiled. Life was thriving; there was no doubt about it. _She backed out of the sun and stood under the small awning of the clinic for a beat. Derek stepped into the door frame and handed her a cold bottle of water.

"Thank you," she said softly. She took a long sip and closed her eyes while the water traveled down her throat and cooled her from the inside out. She yawned big and drank some more water, keeping her eyes trained on the activity in front of her. Everything was quiet, except for her head.

"Are you okay?" Derek asked quietly.

"Yes, my mind's busy," she laughed, her skin pricked with heat. "And the heat _– it's oppressive today_ – I'm just tired," she said, turning to find his soothing eyes.

"Maybe you need a snack, some fruit or something else," he said as they walked back inside, her face looked worried, something was definitely on her mind.

"Nah, I'm alright, just a little tired and my mind is ... wild," she replied, leaning into him a bit. "It's the heat too," she added, taking another long drink of her water, her eyes still watching the doorway.

Owen stood up and moved over to the doorway with them. "Why don't you guys take off, take the car – _I'll wait for Peter's call, Derek_ – figure that last item out," he said elusively. Meredith chuckled.

"I'm fine," she interjected. "It's only a few more hours," she sighed. "It's just so hot, no matter how much I drink ...," her voice trailed off, her mind was working on overdrive now, she couldn't stop the storm of thoughts if she tried, they made a continuous loop again.

_Seattle. Damp. Cold. Dark. Wet. Surgical. Intern. Blood. Flesh. Stamina. Fatigue. Baby. Derek. Ellis Grey. Ellis Grey. Ellis Grey. Tough. Residency. Hard Core. The Marines. The Army. The Air Force. Surgical. Intern. Flesh. Blood. Fatigue. Stamina. Baby. Baby. Baby. Derek. Bali. Sun. Tsunami. Heat. Heat. Heat._

"We know, we feel it too," Owen said carefully, his eyes caught Derek's for a moment. "You won't miss anything and I'll call if it gets busy," he counseled. "And it won't – _you know as well as I do_ – this place has run its course," he said, pressing his lips together, waiting for her reaction.

"Hmm, is it always this hard?" Meredith asked; her voice even, her eyes on Owen. "Saying goodbye," she wondered aloud.

"It gets easier," Owen replied. He cocked his head. "Sometimes too easy," he said, making a knowing glance at Derek.

"What do you need Meredith?" Derek asked; his arm around her shoulders now, her skin was sticky, just like his.

"A nap, I think," she admitted. "As lame as that sounds," she sighed in defeat with a wry grin.

"Lets go then," he said. He grabbed her bag and a bottle of water. Owen handed him the car keys. "We'll meet you for dinner," he said directly, Owen nodded in assent. Derek walked with Meredith to the car.

###

_Meredith finally fell into a dreamless sleep for the first time since she set foot on Bali. She and Derek had gotten back to their room where she promptly stripped down to her panties and tank and slipped into bed under the cool sheet that lay on top. She turned to her side and watched Derek take his pants off and change his shirt and that was the last thing she remembered. Everything faded to that peaceful black place, the one that only came when she was too tired to dream._

She awoke hours later, surveying her heat exhaustion before moving even a fraction of an inch. She heard Derek's even breaths – _soothing and predictable_ – he was asleep. She moved her hand down to her belly and left it there, wordlessly connecting. She opened her eyes; she had slept for a little over two hours – _it was noticeably cooler _– with the late afternoon sun on the other side of their windows now. She watched the short shadows to play along the walls for a beat before she turned to find Derek.

She sighed, there was something peaceful about watching Derek sleep, she melted a little bit inside now taking in his relaxed facial muscles – _he held no tension, his naked tanned skin glowing, no stress around his beautiful eyes_ – she smiled at all he had become on this island. He was lying on his back, his cell phone resting in his hand over his belly. His chest rose and fell – _up and down_ – she thought to wake him up, correction – _she wanted to wake him up to kiss him senseless _– but she rolled over instead, her cheek pressing against the cool side of her pillow now as she closed her eyes again, they had hours before they typically met Owen for dinner ... they had time.

_She would let Derek rest, she needed to think._

_Her brain kicked into high gear almost immediately, she sighed at the heavy range of thoughts swirling around in her mind – nothing cohesive, everything coming at once now – as she forced herself to come to terms with leaving safety of the island (funny turn of events, the island saved her ... did she really save anyone but herself in the end?). She had grown attached to it, to the villagers, to their lifestyle – hell, she just grew period and in more ways than she could count – her free hand found her belly. She felt connected here, to the island – to Ketut and Wayan – they helped her get her life back. Even the idea of leaving Owen saddened her (although it didn't help that she was already worried about him)._

_Was she being irrational?_

_Was this a pregnancy thing?_

_Was this hormones?_

_Was that even fair?_

_Wasn't this just an assignment?_

_She took a deep breath, the more she thought about it ... the more she let herself think about the inevitable – leaving this precious island, even with Derek by her side – the more she thought about it, the more terrified she became. She didn't want to leave the island – because being here with Derek was easy – they worked, they played ... the proximity of everything including one another was unmatched. They were on their own – orphans of sorts – no boundaries, no restrictions._

_No legends of famous mothers to live up to ..._

_No opinionated Addison to contend with ..._

_No Mark Sloan loitering around ..._

_No desperate game for the first solo surgery ..._

_No dark, cold rain ..._

_For here, there was just heat and Derek and the warmth that radiated from the private miracle of them – and in all truthfulness – that's all she really cared about._

_How could they make this work? Knowing what they know now ... how was everything going to even out – the work-life balance – how would they make their collective dreams come true and still feel stranded on an island in the middle of the ocean? It was no secret things were complicated for them in Seattle – and even though every aspect of their relationship had changed – Meredith couldn't help but wonder how they would overcome the 'them' they used to be ... how would they evolve and still come back to the simplicity of the life they made here on Bali?_

_And how would she deal with surgery – knowing the Chief said she could finish her intern year, if and when she returned was great – and sure, she wouldn't finish with her pack, but she never cared about that ... and she still didn't. What got to her, every single time she thought about it was motherhood._

_Deep down she was scared she wasn't going to be enough for this baby and still be enough for herself and for Derek too._

_Her mind drifted to her own mother and lonely childhood for beat –she pushed the thoughts from her head – if her early life taught her anything, one thing was certain: this baby would be the winner, this baby would have everything first ... this baby would not be an afterthought. This baby would have a true mother, a selfless mother, a mother he or she would love and depend upon ... forever._

_Fat tears rolled down her cheeks and she stifled a small sob. It was all too much, she needed to speak with Derek – there was too much on the line – she wanted to get it out, to talk about how fucking scared she was about everything ... about living a life with him without the magical safety net of Bali. For in her mind's eye, this place had become an alternate universe ... not their reality – somehow along the line, it did, it became a dream – and she was scared to leave it and go back to Seattle._

_She was so scared they would become complacent and she so desperately did not want that for them – she had high hopes for them – she loved Derek more than any other single person in her entire life. They had too much to lose. She needed to get this out – she was scared – Meredith Grey was petrified._

"_Do you want to talk about it?"_ came Derek's soft voice as he wrapped his arms around her, resting his hand on top of hers, their miracle somewhere beneath their touch.

"Yes," she sighed, leaning into him, his hot breath breezed along her bare shoulder ... _just say it, just let it out, _she coached herself.

"_What's on your mind?"_ he asked, relieved she wanted to talk. He draped his thigh over her hips.

"I'm thinking about how scared I am to leave this island," she answered; relief consumed her, just saying it out loud somehow made her feel better. "Leaving makes everything real," she breathed into the sticky air. _She was safe; she could say anything to him now._

"_And you don't want it to be real?"_ he asked softly without judgment, he knew she loved him.

"Do you?" she answered with a question of her own, her heartbeat was thunderous. "Want to make it real?" she whispered.

"_I do,"_ he said, bringing her closer, still ... he felt her fully relax into his heat. "_What else scares you?"_ he asked.

"How we were before, I know you never want that again," she sighed. "And neither do I ... but this place _– this island_ – it's simple, it's just us, _we_ make the rules ... there's no judgment here ...," she confessed.

"_Can you ...,"_ he said, his voice trailed off as he planted kisses to her neck and shoulder. _"Turn around so I can see you,"_ he whispered, she rotated in his arms and he was met with her sweet smile.

"Better?" she whispered, her eyes scanning his face.

"Much," he said, flanking her skull with his hands, relishing in the sight of her eyes. "I love you," he stated and she smiled.

"And I love you," she replied, lacing her legs through his, they were blessed.

"See that ... it's so simple to say those words, _it's just us_ when we say that to each other," he sighed. "_We_ make the rules Meredith ... _we do_ ...," he said, he watched her green eyes become glassy.

"Just us," she murmured, she ran her fingertips along the side of his handsome face.

"Just us," he repeated. "I meant what I said the other day – _we'll remind each other of this magical time_ – this time of our new beginning together," he soothed, she blinked and released her tears from captivity.

"Promise?" she asked, her cheeks still wet.

"Promise," he answered, before he leaned in and kissed her salty, sweet skin.

"Can I ask you something else?" Meredith whispered as she snuggled closer, pressing her lips to his bare chest before she peeked up to find his striking blue eyes.

"Yes ... anything," he said, ducking down, he pressed his lips over hers, pumping _once, twice._

"Would you still love me ...," she sighed, a storm brewing in her deep green gateways. "If I wasn't a surgeon?" she asked quietly, holding him hostage as she released one of her fears.

_Meredith's heart raced, her mind careened out of control like an airplane without engine power –if felt so counter-intuitive to even ask – for deep down, she was a surgeon! Hell, it was in her blood! She was a surgeon through and through ... but she didn't have to be._

"Oh Meredith, yes ...," he smiled; his heart melting with love for her – _even with her own perfect storm brewing in her eyes_ – he loved her so damn much. "And before you say anything else – _you won't be anything like your mother, Meredith _– you're nothing like her," he whispered, watching her eyes cloud over with fresh tears.

"How can you be so sure?" she asked quietly, his face was blurry and she didn't want to blink, she didn't want to release those tears, she just wanted to melt into him. She took a deep breath instead, it didn't work, her heart still quivered.

"Because ...," he smiled and leaned closer, _damn, his love for Meredith just grew exponentially_. He pressed his lips together and smiled, _he was so proud of her._ He ran his fingertips along her hairline, she blinked and fresh tears sprinkled her beautiful cheeks. She looked right into his eyes. "Because ... your mother would have never asked that question ...," he whispered, holding her in the moment with him.

"Oh," she sighed. "I love you ... so much," she said, finding his eyes. "And this baby ... my heart is ...full," she sighed before she lost herself, before she slipped under ... all the while holding her buoy as her tears welled up tried to drown her.

_Derek held Meredith and rocked her and rocked her and held her – they needed this – this moment to make it real, to make them real and to start envisioning their life together ... beyond Bali. He was so thankful, so blessed ... how was he so fortunate? He melted into the moment with her – feeling her nerve-endings snap – for this conversation had been in the works for days, ever since she told him she was reluctant to leave the island, he knew she was piecing things together, analyzing her feelings. He held her tightly then – his lover, his lifeline, his everything – focusing now on the ceiling above them – now was the time – the time was upon him._

"I've been thinking about this a lot too," he confessed into the air all around them. "What's going to happen when we leave here ...," he said softly, bringing her into his chest even more, holding her even tighter. He pressed kisses to her head, breathing her in as he did.

"I know," she sighed. "Are you worried about ... us?" she asked hesitantly.

"No ... not worried, just eager to ...," he sighed with a smile. "To ask you a question ... to solidify something," he whispered, watching as her face softened. "I have something for you," he said softly, pulling back, happy to see the storm gone from her eyes ...only she remained.

"You do?" she asked, unable to hide her surprise.

"I do, hold on a second ...," he chuckled before rolling out of bed. "Stay right there," he laughed and she giggled, pushing herself up against the headboard, she sat Indian style.

_Derek crossed the small space, the air cooler, not as hot now but just as sticky. He reached into his carryon bag and found the key in the inside pocket and then took the file. He turned around to find Meredith exactly where he left her, she cocked her head and smiled, but he stayed in his same place, just drinking her in for a moment – God, he'd never get tired of looking at her – even now, with her hair all wild and crazy from the humidity and her eyes a little puffy and red, the valley of her breasts revealed by her loose-fitting tank top ... no, he was quite certain, she'd never looked sexier. He crossed the room and came to sit across from her, Indian style too. He put the folder down and held out the sparkling new key, he took her hand and placed it in her palm. She looked into his eyes and back down to the key._

"This is for you," he said so softly he couldn't hear his voice, only his heart as it pounded away in his ears. "It opens the door to the cabin," he sighed, butterflies clamored in his belly. "It's never been used – _the builder gave it to me before I left to come to you, it was just a symbol then, something to take with me, but they're raising the roof in two days_ – the key ... it's brand new," he sighed, looking down at the key for a beat. "It's a new beginning if, or it could be ...," he stopped himself from rambling on.

"Derek ...," Meredith sighed, closing her hand around the key. She moved closer to him, craving his warmth, she knew him well enough to know he was gathering his words ... words she wanted to hear. "Ask me your question," she whispered for his ears only.

_He chuckled and found her eyes – crystal clear, brilliantly green, sparkling now like sun over the lake next to the cabin – ask her, make it real, he coached himself._

"Meredith ...," he sighed, moving to take her head in his hands – _the energy of them came down and covered them _– and he lost himself in her aura, he pressed his lips together and smiled, she looked so radiant. "Will you move in with me ... into the cabin?" he breathed, refusing to blink. "Will you make a life with me?" he asked, tears gathered for both of them and were ignored. "Will you raise this baby with me – _make a family with me_ – make me the happiest man in this universe _and the real one too_," he breathed, his voice hitched as he made his gentle plea to the only woman who could give him everything he ever wanted and oh, so much more.

"Yes," she whispered, her heart melted in pure bliss, he wanted them ... forever. "Yes, yes, yes," she chanted as she closed the small space between them and kissed him.

_Meredith savored the moment then – breathing Derek in, pushing the moment down, making him real and hers once again – before she pulled back and held him there with her, suspended in time, just for now, it was just them for now. She searched his happy eyes with hers – realizing that all they had to do was think back and relive moments like this – special moments in time when they were locked away in their room on an island in the middle of the ocean, like Owen once said, it doesn't matter where they were as long as they were together. _

"I love you," Derek said. "I just want your happiness, I want you to be what _you want to be_," he said softly. "Just be whatever that is ... with me," he said, his voice cracking now like old paint, out with the old, in with the new.

"I love you too, so much and I just ... you know I just want to remember this time, I want your happiness too," she soothed, only damp heat raged between them now. "Show me ...," she said, looking down at the file.

_Derek smiled broadly, relief filtering through his body now as he sighed. He reached for the file and spread the plans for the cabin along the end of the bed. Meredith came to sit in the middle of the bed and Derek turned to watch her take it all in. Her fingers danced along the light blue paper, tracing the front door to the cabin – she flicked her eyes in his direction and smiled – leaning forward – her blond tresses falling in front of her, she pushed her hair behind her ears – taking a better look she her eyes moved over the directional markers, tracing the outline of the master bedroom before gently moving her fingers back and forth over the words – MASTER BEDROOM – just like Derek had done countless times. He watched with interest as her cheeks became heated and she peeked up to find him there._

"It's beautiful, it's perfect," she said softly, taking his hand in hers. "I'm proud of you ... for building a home ... for the growing you've done," she murmured, knowing he had made these plans with her in mind, yet also knowing he came to terms with a lot to break ground, she moved her eyes over the sea of plans in front of her again.

"I made one small change," Derek said softly, leaning closer to Meredith. He reached over and moved his finger over the outer wall to the master bedroom. "See this wall?" he asked.

"Hmm, yes," she answered, looking at his finger now.

"I had them add a nursery there, with an entry way," he said softly, leaning closer. "One small walk-through and we can get to the baby," he whispered, making it real with his words. He felt her shudder as he pressed a kiss to her bare flesh on her shoulder, breathing her sweet essence in, he couldn't get enough.

"Oh Derek," she sighed; her hand found her belly and so did his. She turned into him and pressed her mouth over his. Pure joy fluttered through her as she felt his joy and happiness and relief consume her. "It's lovely ... it's so real," she said, finding him through her glassy eyes.

"It is, Meredith ... it's ours, it's our place ... wait until you see it ... just wait," he said breathlessly.

_Derek was instantly lost within the sea of her deep soulful gateways once again as he kissed her senseless again, feeling her relax into him for a beat before she pulled him backwards and on top of her. Her legs moved around his waist, his hands found her hair, his lips found hers as they rolled again, Meredith on top now, kissing him again, once, twice, pressing herself to him, holding him, keeping him, before she pulled back, barely moving her lips from his._

"Hold that thought," she said against his soft lips. "I have to pee," she laughed, moving off of him. Derek chuckled. "Don't move," she cautioned with a giggle and disappeared into the bathroom.

Derek watched her go and the relief settled in – _he asked and she said 'yes'_ – they were slowly making their collective dreams come true. Now Derek could hardly wait to get home … the idea of home just became much more exciting. They would be fine _– they would take things as they came, they would handle life_ – and come home to each other every night. And he wouldn't be complacent – _never, ever _– would he allow himself to take their life together for granted. He folded the plans, reached over and set them and the key on Meredith's night table. He caught the clock – _they still had a couple of hours before dinner_ – he looked out the window and then let his body fall back onto the bed. He watched the ceiling fan for a beat before he closed his eyes.

Meredith exited the bathroom and sighed at the sight before her. She stood still for a moment and watched Derek, his back flat against the mattress in the middle of the bed – _the crown of his head facing her _– his arms outstretched, his long lean body relaxed, no taut muscles. She pulled her tank top off and let it float to the floor – _the cooler sticky air attacked her bare skin, her nipples puckered in response_ – she shimmied out of her panties.

Stepping from them, she crossed the room and crawled onto the mattress, her knees flanked Derek's head. He sighed and smiled, his still eyes closed. Meredith ran her fingertips along the strong handsome lines of her lover's relaxed face before she crawled over his body, hovering as she went – _his hands found her bare skin, roaming everywhere now, his lips found her belly_ – no doubt his eyes were open with surprise and amusement. Her hands found the waistband of his boxers and she pulled them down, his fingers danced through her mound. Derek kicked the boxers from his feet as Meredith planted her mouth around his awakening cock without hesitation, the lovers moaned in unison now.

_From the moment Meredith tasted Derek's earthy flesh she was lost – she loved to taste him, the very essence of him – the part of him only she was privy to – she adored his cock, everything about it and it was as simple as that. She moaned into his sweet hole, pulling back to play with the sensitive head a little bit – flick, suck, swirl, suck, nip, flick, flick, flick – before she lowered her whole mouth over him again, running her tongue up and down his shaft – lubricating him, feeling him lengthen just for her – damn, she loved what she did to him – it was such a fucking turn on – her nipples cut across his chiseled abdomen, puckering under from the featherweight feeling of his skin against hers. Fuck – her pussy flooded with desire now – her sex mixed with his scent was all she could inhale! It was the air she breathed! It was all she could ever want! She was losing control, somehow over the rapid beating of her heart she heard Derek call out to her, but she only sucked harder and with more tenacity – her hole, wet and sticky ... his rod, his sex, ready to pop – pure bliss right around the corner now, pure bliss: Immanent. Guaranteed._

_Derek reached up and moved his hands around Meredith's taut tush, pulling her down, damn he wanted to taste her! But he had no leverage without a pillow under his head – it was pure pleasurable torture – there was no way to satiate his craving for her elixir ... and Meredith Grey knew it. Vixen. She French kissed the head of his cock, nice and easy. He focused on his task and slowly brushed one finger along her slick folds. He watched her muscles pulse in anticipation, fuck – her pussy was beautiful, so damn perfect, so wet and sticky, so sensual, so womanly, so uniquely her – he secretly loved looking at her from this angle (this view of what he liked to call 'heaven's gate'), she was beautiful the way her folds lay perfectly together – flanking her interior warmth and secret desires – concealing her burgeoning clit, hiding her mystery until he could see it pop out, ever so slightly, ripe and pink, like the bud of a flower – damn, he loved her and he wanted to taste her – just the essence of her made him want to cum – his hips reacted again, bucking up, filling Meredith's mouth with his rod, he fucked her there. He felt her regain control now – she hummed into his hole – pushing down on his hips with her palms, he was helpless ... he was right where she wanted him – for it was no secret, Meredith loved his cock just about as much as Derek loved her pussy._

_He slipped two fingers inside her molten channel, she moaned into his hole in response. Damn, she was hot – fucking hot to the touch – and more lubricated than he ever remembered – her sex intoxicated him – he was losing his senses, slipping into the undertow of bliss now as Meredith's delicate muscles clamped around his fingers while he pumped away, trying his best to match the tempo of the downward pulses of her mouth over his glistening rod. His hands were flooded with her sex now – he moved his sticky thumb up to her clit, gently massaging the nub, while submersing two fingers back into her hot cavern – only to elicit gasps of pleasure from his lover over his cock. Derek smiled as he worked her over – Meredith's control weakened slightly as she succumbed to his ministrations – while she lapped and sucked and sucked and lapped at his rod, eventually centralizing her focus on his sensitive head, nipping and sucking, siphoning now as the furious crescendo of his orgasm began to pummel through his body, completely out of his control._

_And as much as Meredith wanted to taste him, perhaps even more so – Derek wanted to __see__ her, he needed her at eye level – and yes, he loved cumming in her mouth and she loved drinking him down, this much he knew – but sometimes it was a game of power, and sometimes it wasn't – and tonight it wasn't. He passed his thumb over her engorged clit – back and forth and then across the top, gentle figure-eight swirls – before he held it in place, pushing up against it, adding just enough pressure until he felt her let go a little bit – he watched her muscles quiver and clamp down now and he knew she was close – oh so close, about as close as he._

"Meredith, please," he called, grabbing her hips with his hands as a measure to ground himself. "Together ... please," he sighed, releasing her clit from his hold.

_He felt her wordlessly acquiesce as she slowly ran her tongue up and down his shaft one last time, she French kissed his head, swirling and flicking her tongue against him as she went. She turned around and met his gaze – batting her lashes as she did, her wild hair, her face flushed and happy, her full breasts bouncing freely, her ripe nipples, perfectly round, perfectly dark and delicious – as she came to straddle him – hovering for a moment as his hands found her hips and then he wondered: had she ever looked more beautiful? She smiled and held the base of his cock for a beat before she swept it up and down her plump folds several times. She smiled, locking her eyes with his before she lowered her very, hot, very well-lubricated pussy over his rod._

_She sighed as he filled her up ..._

_... like no other man ever could ..._

_... or ever would._

_He sighed as she covered him like a glove ..._

_... like no other woman ever could ..._

_... or ever would._

"Hmm, you feel so good," he husked. "You're soaked ... I love it," he said, completely in awe of her untamed beauty now, she blushed, his hands on her hips, his thumbs nestled in her vee.

Meredith leaned forward and rode him for several beats _– the air between them became sticky and hot in no time_ – Derek pulsed upwards, while she pushed down and over him. "I'm gonna need more," she breathed into his ear, he nodded in assent. "Deeper ... just more of you," she sighed before he turned his head and fused his lips and tongue with hers.

_The lovers were in perfect harmony now – perfect working order – and perfectly in love._

Meredith pushed herself up; pressing her palms against Derek's ribcage as she rocked her hips back and forth, slowing her tempo for longevity. Derek caught her eyes with his, locking her in the moment, he moved his hand through her mound and found her nub, Meredith smiled and leaned forward again, she kissed his lips, her ripe peaks cutting across his chest.

"Remind me, Derek," she whispered against his mouth, he smiled at her choice of words and then he did just that.

_He seamlessly rolled them over; making sure his cock never left the hot confines of her core. They were fused, they were one. He leaned into her heat, striking her taut nipples with his tongue – nipping, sucking, lapping – he was starved for the taste of her skin, she moaned in response, opening her thighs wider – her sex flooded their machine, her sweet essence wafted up in thick tufts and filled the air around them – as he pumped with precision now, his goal was simple: to take them to oblivion and back... to take them to that place they loved so much. That alternate universe which they so desperately did not want to forget ... yes, he would remind her of Bali – __now and forever__ – he would make another spiritual memory for them to cherish while they were still – living, working and playing – on the island paradise in the middle of the ocean._

_Derek stepped up his pace then – for he'd been ready to blow for quite some time now – and Meredith was too, he could tell, he took her hands in his and moved them up over her head ... pinning her there, reminding her, making it real. Meredith moved her knees up and under Derek's forearms where he held them there, bearing down. He swept his tongue along the groove of hers – kissing her, loving her, sexing her and reminding her – over and over and over again as he pulsed his cock into her radiant heat with ferocious need._

"Remind me, Meredith," he husked and she did just that.

_She opened her thighs wider and wrapped her legs around Derek's hips, reaching down and around, she brushed her fingertips very gently along his perineum – she felt him tighten, constrict – to her touch, she did it again, massaging his sack as she went. Derek snaked his fingers in between them, Meredith released her legs and pressed her feet flat on the bed as Derek found her clit and applied intermittent pressure to her nub in between pulses. His rod slipped in and out of her core with ease – and he was right, she had never been this wet – she swallowed him whole and then some, mini orgasms pinged her clit now, branching out, covering her nerve-endings, her fever-pricked skin, her capillaries ... she was near weightless, they was almost there: blissful oblivion!_

"Derek," she pleaded, her hands found his skull. "Finish me," she ordered as her muscles clamped down his cock she cherished so much – _squeezing him, milking him, making him hers_ – like no other time before.

_It was raw._

_It was sweet._

_It was uncensored._

_It was unmatched._

_It belonged to Bali._

"Meredith, oh what you do to me," he husked as her muscles worked him. "You ..." he slipped in and out of her depths, _harder, deeper_ now. "You feel so good ... so good it's ... sinful," he choked out as he slammed into her – _once, twice_ – before he came harder and faster than ever before, his entire system was floating on an orgasm, his body was literally humming.

_They held each other in that moment – collapsing against one another, reminding each other, making the memory real – another spiritual souvenir to take home with them._

_Meredith's thighs fell to the sides – her muscles slowly stopped clenching – she held Derek's damp body over hers. She let herself become lost at sea, all the while holding on tight to her lifeline, her buoy, her everything. All she could smell was their sweet sex – the sweet essence of them – as she pressed tiny kisses to Derek's neck and shoulder, her hands submersed in his wet hair, she held him there in the moment with her, choosing to never let go._

_Derek's cock twitched, softened and slipped from her warm depths, he was floating, weightless, exhausted and yet completely energized. He rolled off of Meredith; she instinctually rolled back and into him. He reached behind him and pulled the thin white cotton sheet over them. He pressed kisses to her neck and shoulder, breathing her in._

"How much time do we have," Meredith whispered, her eyes closing against her will.

"About an hour ... let's rest," Derek suggested, melting into their proximity. His eyes closed on their own accord and then he heard the soft timbre of his lover's voice.

"Promise me ...," Meredith whispered into the thick air, her eyes still closed. "That you'll always make love to me like that ... like you're reminding me," she requested softly, taking his hand in hers, she placed it over her belly; resting hers on top ..._ she had found bliss._

"I promise ...," Derek answered, his fingers dancing along the smooth skin of her belly. "We'll never forget," he whispered, resting his hand once more. "And we'll always make love like that ...always," he said as Meredith relaxed into him and he felt her become heavy in his arms. They were right where they should be ... _he closed his eyes in pure bliss._

**Chapter 15 – These Are Days – Part 3 of 4 to follow.**


	35. Chapter 15, These Are Days, Part 3 of 4

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al. **

**Author's Note: Thanks for the notes from those of you taking the time; I truly hope you continue to enjoy this story. I of course would love to hear from more of you, it breaks me a little bit to know so many people are reading these stories without hearing feedback. If you can find a moment to spare, try to leave some kind of note. Thanks again.**

**Chapter 15 – These Are Days – Part 3 of 4**

Meredith stood in front of the bathroom mirror and tied the halter top of her mint green jersey knit dress around the nape of her neck – _the cooler air felt good against her damp heat-pricked skin there_ – she released her hair and ran a brush through it one more time. She glanced up – _scrutinizing her appearance now_ – and shook her head in disbelief – _with her long blond hair and its humid, uncontrolled waves and tendrils, her always-flushed complexion and that secret glow of pregnancy_ – she smiled, hardly recognizing herself. She turned away from the mirror, exited the bathroom and crossed the room to the desk. She slipped on her black ballet flats – _then glanced_ _at the clock for the millionth time in the last twenty minutes_ – they had about an hour before the _Gamelan_ concert would begin. She surveyed the volumes of books – _now mostly on the topic of pregnancy_ – she turned away from the desk and eyed the stack on her bedside table, having long-since moved her preferred volumes over there.

_Maybe she should read, she turned back to the volumes on the desk, vacillating again – she let her eyes roam over the book titles – yes ... read and wait for Derek to return._

_She reminded herself – he had plenty of time, it wasn't an imposition – she tried, yet again to soothe her pangs of guilt and foolishness away!_

_She scoffed aloud ... for it was then that she decided she was far too analytical to be pregnant!_

"Damn it!" she sighed out loud with a wry chuckle.

_Unexpected tears pricked her eyes. She watched the book titles become blurred around the edges, she wiped her tears away with her hand and sat down at the desk. She eyed her cell phone and picked it up and went back to silently chastising herself and this strange situation she found herself in._

_First she cursed herself ... she should have gone on her own to get the damn mangos! She could get her own damn mangos!_

_Then she cursed Derek ... for his insistence to get the damn mangos for her! He knew she could get the damn mangos herself!_

_She seethed, stood up and began to pace. Running a circuit along the small room – back and forth – her mind rabid, moving in nanoseconds of time now ... everything hitting her at once:_

_Why the need for mangos?_

_What had she gotten herself into here?_

_Were mangos just the tip of the iceberg?_

_What did her mother crave when she was pregnant – and if she were alive and lucid – would she have even remembered?_

_What kind of mother was she going to be?_

_Who was going to show her __how__ to be a mother?_

_And on that note ... the tears came again, and then suddenly – her insane need for mango had passed – just like that because with the snap of her fingers (and one thought about her dead, substandard mother) it was gone and replaced with inner rage and confusion because now all she could focus on was the cliché of a pregnant woman she had become!_

_Who was this woman?_

_Where was Meredith Grey?_

_And most importantly: What had Derek Shepherd done to her?_

These were the questions floating through her head – _right here, right now_ – and in another few minutes or maybe within the hour, the questions would change and her inner monologue would be clogged again with more answerless questions! Her cell phone buzzed in her hand – _she looked at the LCD_ – she had a new voicemail, having finally figured out how to forward the calls to her international cell phone ... now she didn't have to check the thing once a day.

With the hope of being distracted, Meredith flipped the phone open and dialed the pass codes. She began to pace while she waited. Izzie's voice funneled into her line and she listened with half an ear – _which wasn't fair_ – but she couldn't focus, so what else could she do?

"_George moved back in, Callie came too ... she came into the bathroom ... naked ... and I was there ... she sat down and peed Meredith, right in front of me! Hello? You would never do that, well, you have your own bathroom, but ... okay ... Meredith, she doesn't wash her hands! She's a surgeon!"_

Meredith tried to wrap her mind around that for a moment – _that's pretty weird, strange even_ – for a surgeon, or really _anyone_ over the age of three not to wash their hands automatically ... but what was even _more weird_ was this strange, persistent pasty need in her mouth right now ... the one anticipating the mango, the one only a mango could expunge – _the pang of uncontrolled weirdness that wanted fresh mango right, fucking now _– _that_ was weird, strange even! _Oooo she's on to Alex, this should be good._

"_And Alex ... and then there's Alex. He reminded me ... he reminded me that I didn't want him; even though I __know__ some part of him still wants me. The thing is ... he left, but before he did I told him ... just because I didn't want him (back then) didn't mean I wanted him to want anyone else ... and then I asked him ... would I be this way forever, pining over Denny forever? And do you know what he said ... he said it would be a waste if I did. And you know what ... he's right, in some ways he's right, but in some ways it's ... oh, it's so wrong! Meredith is it wrong for me to want Alex? Is it wrong for me to want him because I was just about to spend my life with someone else and Alex was right... he __was__ ... because as some point, I didn't want him ... and I didn't need him, but now I do and ... I don't want Alex to be the rebound guy ... the guy after the dead guy ... he deserves more than that, doesn't he? He came back you know, after only a short while and we got drunk with George. George had a fight with Callie ... over me ... I'm over-bearing, can you believe it? Oh ... wait I already told you this ... she thinks I have a thing for George ... it's still so unbelievable to me ... I mean, seriously? Anyway ... I bet you've tuned me out by now ... but okay, now listen ... listen, because I'm looking for perspective here ... what do I do Meredith? Alex came back, he came home and we got drunk with George and then Alex ... you know, he can be really something ... he got into bed with me, just followed me in my room ... and you know what ... for once it wasn't because I had a nightmare in the middle of the night or because I was crying ... he just got into bed with me and we slept and ... and it was the first time I've gone to bed without crying myself to sleep since Denny died. I didn't see Denny, his eyes didn't swallow me up ... he was gone Meredith. So what do I do? Who do love Meredith? Denny or Alex or myself? Reply when you can."_

Meredith stared outside ... the sun was just setting – _the sky was swirled again like rainbow sherbet_ – she pressed the _hold_ button, gathering her thoughts – _who should Izzie love first_ – the answer was an easy one: _herself._ Because once she loved herself and her faults and circumstances ... she'd likely be inspired. Meredith paced and released the _hold_ button; she stood in front of the window and punched in the sequence of numbers to reply, making sure to mark the message private for Izzie.

"_Hey Izz, let me just say … I think you need perspective, both you and Alex do … and I'm wondering if you could find it in each other. And yes … you loved Denny and I get it … love … trust me I do and I'm not telling you that you should forget that love because I know … I know you might not be able to, well for me … I couldn't. Let Alex in if you want to, but only start something with him if your heart's in it, because if it's not it'll only lead to heartache and you don't need any more of that. I mean what are we doing in our lives if we can't make ourselves happy? Can you follow your dreams or heart's desires and still love Denny? Can you love someone else or at least try to … remember Denny; I'm sure you always will … but can you move on too? I think you can Izz … you have a huge heart and a big capacity to love and I know … I know what you're thinking … 'where's dark and twisty Meredith'? Well … I'm me Izz, only now I'm happy. And you could be too … if you take a step back to look at what's really important; I bet you'll find yourself. And that's the answer to your question, who do you love first? … You. You love yourself first … because if you do, everything else might just fall into place. Okay, let me know what happens. Bye for now."_

Derek closed the door behind him – _click, click_ – went the latch; he turned the lock as Meredith snapped her phone shut. She glanced at the door and smiled. Derek smiled – _but stood frozen in his spot_ – Meredith looked radiant, positively glowing, but it was beyond that even – _it was her passionate message to her friend, it was the surety of her voice as she spoke_ – it was Meredith … the true essence of why Derek loved her so.

Meredith's eyes lit up at the sight of him as he moved inside the room and came to stand in front of her with a paper drink cup in one hand and a brown bag in the other. He stared at her still – _taking her breath away_ – his cobalt blue shirt accentuating the endless sea of his eyes. She smiled, feeling only the damp heat between them now.

"What?" she asked with a wry grin.

Derek leaned in and kissed her plump lips, slow and easy. "I think I just fell in love with you all over again," he said softly.

"You did?" she giggled against his lips.

"Hmm, good advice," he muttered, lost in her aura already.

"It's only the truth," Meredith whispered in return, _it is, it really, really is._

"This is for you," he said, offering the cup to her, bringing it up between them.

Meredith raised her brow. "What's this?" she asked, excited over the prospect of a mango smoothie as they were hard-pressed to find them on the island.

"Smoothie," Derek smiled widely.

"Derek, where on earth?" she exclaimed with a large smile before taking a long sip of the cold, sweet liquid into her mouth. _She moaned, God, it was so sweet and cold and perfect._ Derek chuckled; his eyes glued on her every move. "You are a God," she laughed, leaning in to kiss him once more. _"And don't let that go to your head with your perfect hair in the humidity,"_ she teased him posthaste with a grin. She took another long sip through the straw – _siphoning the mango-infused treat as fast as she could_ – until the tacky, dry feeling in her mouth dissipated.

"Careful," Derek chuckled as he moved to the desk. He put his bag down there. "You're gonna get a brain freeze," he laughed over his shoulder.

"Funny," she said in between sips. "Where's a brain surgeon when you need him?" she ribbed, Derek smirked as he removed several green mangos from the paper bag. He placed a knife next to them.

"Out making mango smoothies so it seems," he teased with a smirk as he placed the fruit along the window sill.

"_Making?"_ Meredith asked incredulously, coming to stand in front of Derek.

"Yes, making!" he laughed. "I went to Made for the fruit and then stopped by Ketut's to see if he had a paring knife I could use for the next couple of weeks. When I was there I spied a blender – _Ketut said I could use it_ – and the rest is history," he mused, his blue eyes twinkling.

"Thank you," she said softly, searching his eyes, her thoughts drifting to all this island had done to him – _her lover, her everything_ – he was content … content to make smoothies, she smiled.

"Welcome," he said sincerely as she stepped closer.

"Kiss me," she ordered gently, turning her face up to his.

_And so he did. He kissed her, soft and easy at first, finding pleasure in Meredith's deepening of their kiss – opening her sweet mango mouth to him now – as he moved his tongue along hers, before she grabbed his tongue between her lips and sucked on it, hard. She pulled back only to come in again and pulse his swollen lips one final time, his hands found her bare shoulders, his fingers moving under the cotton fabric of her halter, God, her skin alone … what this woman could do to him with just one touch, one kiss … still boggled his mind and left him in a deep fog. Derek brought her even closer then – holding her, cherishing her – his mind on the events of the evening –light years into the future now – as he buried his nose into her damp hair and breathed her in, all in an effort to calm his raging heart._

"Hmm, you taste good," he reflected softly, all ready for more of her as he drew her head up, holding her skull in his hands before he closed his mouth over hers once again … her kisses, her aura, her essence – _warm and sweet and everything in between_ – he simply couldn't get enough of her.

"So do you," she giggled, taking another sip of the smoothie. She handed the cup to Derek. He took a sip, set it down on the desk and found her eyes. "You make a mean smoothie," she smiled, lost in the sea of his eyes.

"Well ... I'm a man of many talents," he flirted, before he closed his mouth over hers once more.

"This I know ...," she laughed against his lips, his hot breath funneling into her mouth. "Private talents," she mused and he chuckled; before she seized his lips once more, kissing him again – _soft and quick_ – before she pulled back and sighed, searching his eyes for more but all she found was love and kindness. "Thanks ...," she said so softly, for his ears only. "For going out ...," she sighed in resignation.

"Meredith," Derek sighed, bringing her closer, wrapping his arms around her small frame. "It's okay to have cravings – _to have your body dictate to you what it wants or needs_ – just like we read about," he rationalized carefully, his mind on the heated conversation they shared before he went out.

_She was clearly at odds with herself – and she could have gone on her own – except ... he needed to get to Ketut's ... damn, there was nothing he could do now except for focus on tonight, knowing it was worth it... a rush of excitement coursed through his veins. He sighed, holding Meredith closer, relishing in the bubble of them for the moment before he heard her sigh._

"I know, Derek," she sighed into his chest breathing him in, all the while her hot breath ricocheted back to her – _back and forth now_ – she melted into his heat and found solace in his arms. "It's just that – _intellectually_ – it's so hard to distinguish the _'real me'_ from the _'pregnant me'_," she said softly, she felt like laughing or crying.

"Hey," Derek said, pulling back, he moved Meredith's head up, pressing under her chin, forcing her to look at him. "I like the _'pregnant you'_," he smiled weakly; trying to understand how she was feeling, but knowing he would never be able to.

She laughed. "Well ... I suppose if anyone would," she sighed. "It would have to be you," she added, leaning up, she kissed his lips, she just couldn't help herself.

"Just ask me, okay ...," he sighed. "For whatever you need ... we're in this together and there's nothing I wouldn't do for you," he added with sincerity, scanning her eyes now, attempting to make sure she believed him as he watched the twinkle return to her eyes.

_And then Meredith smiled because she knew Derek was right – that they were in this together and that yes ... he would do anything for her – after all he changed his whole life to be here with her – to arrive in the here and now with her ... the 'pregnant her'._

###

The night was sticky, the sweet scent of gardenias wafted through the outdoor auditorium, mixing with the smoke coming off of the flame torches used for light – _there was a special effects feel to the stage_ – the musicians shrouded in this mysterious sweet smelling smoke ...unphased by their simple gift of sound. As the _Gamelan_ concert came to a close – _the final act or performance _– was lively to a point, unparalleled by anything the Westerners had seen before. Derek caught Meredith's smiling eyes and watched her for a beat – _her joy and rapture, evident_ – his mind once again falling on this question: _how the hell did he make it here to this moment in time?_ He watched with wonder as Meredith's hand fell naturally to her belly as the percussion assembly reached an all time high of eclectic magic, her eyes shining now as she reached for Derek's hand and squeezed it, never moving her eyes from the stage.

Meredith was lost in the music – _she had read quite a bit about Gamelan music since coming to the island _– but as with any experience, reading offered little compared to the whole experience. The _Gamelan_ orchestra – _or gong gede_ – was typically comprised of about forty musicians and the sound was so unique – _a bell tolling, cymbal clanking, jangle_ – mainly because the music is mostly made from percussion instruments, there are literally no string or wind instruments apart from a simple flute-like instrument (_suling_). The main instrument used is a xylophone-like instrument (_gangsa_) made from bronze and bamboo. The player hits the keys with a hammer – _it was beyond fascinating _– but Meredith's favorite instruments by far were the two _kendang_ drums – _one male and one female_ – the gender belonging to the instrument, not the player, for the musicians were traditionally male. The musical pieces were generally learned from memory and passed down from father to son. Meredith sighed and looked to Derek for a moment – _her mind on Wayan_ – would he miss this tradition, she wondered sadly. What could she do, if anything at all? She smiled at Derek as the last note was played.

_She stood and applauded, flanked by Derek and Owen, who she turned to peek at – he looked good, relaxed, completely in the moment now – as the crowd began to disburse. Meredith found Derek's hand as Owen turned to exit their row, she hung back for a moment ... watching him go, moving with relative ease through the crowd, his more relaxed physique finally matching his favorite (wrinkled) ecru linen shirt. She smiled as she watched him greet Ketut. She looked lovely and Meredith could have sworn she felt her energy even from the substantial distance between them. She was wearing a lively sari with a bright orange lace top and a seladong (scarf) in indigo blue around her waist, she looked radiant._

"Wasn't it wonderful?" Meredith turned back to Derek, her voice breathless from excitement, she found his sparkling eyes.

"It was," he said softly, running his warm hands down the smooth skin of her arms.

"What's Owen up to?" she asked, stepping closer.

"Oh, ah ... Ketut's coming with us back to Ketut's for some dessert now ...," Derek offered elusively, looking over her head.

"Derek Shepherd," Meredith sighed with a raised brow.

"What?" he smirked.

"Don't _'what'_ me," she teased. "What's going on?" she asked, turning away from him to watch Owen and Ketut.

"What? Nothing ... don't you like surprises?" he asked, moving his hand to the small of her back as they walked out the aisle.

Meredith turned around. "Not big ones. No ... _and you should know that!_" she admonished with a giggle, leaning into him as he watched her with wide eyes. "But I trust you now and –"

"And this will be a good one, so ...," Derek said as she turned back around.

"So, you lead, I'll follow," she said, taking his warm hand in hers as they smiled at one another, making their way to Owen and Ketut.

###

The foursome sat at what started to become _'their' _table, scattered tea lights – _flickered and flirted back and forth between the players_ – Derek rested his hand on Meredith's thigh. She eyed him carefully, _her mind secretly on his earlier statements_, as they listened to Ketut explain more about the _Gamelan _performance, the unique melody of the music still floated in Meredith's head, even now, over an hour later.

Ketut himself approached the table then – _he placed a tall glass of mango smoothie in front of Meredith and laughed_ – her eyes caught his. He held a large file envelope in his hands still.

"New special drink," he teased with a chuckle causing the rest of the players to follow suit, all well-aware of Meredith's affection for the tropical fruit.

"Thank you, Ketut," she said with a smile, maintaining her hold on his soft brown eyes.

"His idea," he said, motioning to Derek with a smile. Meredith giggled. Ketut handed the large file to Derek.

_Meredith's gaze moved with curiosity from player to player then, finally resting her eyes on Derek's ... mischief was awake. He smirked._

One of Ketut's servers rested a large plate of sweets on the table – _the Balinese were known for their collective sweet tooth_ – relishing in sweet treats and snacks throughout the day – _and this particular plate was no exception, it was more than aesthetically pleasing and mouth watering _– intricate suncakes, elephant ear cakes, pandan crepes, pink and white plumb sugar cakes and rustic rambutans, all in all a gorgeous display of confectionary perfection. He also placed a large pot of steaming jasmine tea in the center of the table – _the hot sweet essence of the tea wafted up all around them_ – wordlessly calming the senses and setting the mood.

"Thank you, Ketut," Ketut said appreciatively as her eyes moved over the now colorful table.

"Yes, Ketut ... thank you," Owen offered, a hint of conspiracy detected in his eyes as the men nodded to one another.

"My pleasure," he said before he nodded his head once more and was gone.

_Meredith watched as Ketut moved her gaze back and forth between Derek and Owen now – flecks of orange materialized in her soft brown eyes as she went – the candle lights flickered and bounced creating a sparkle ... somehow offering even more layers of depth to the soulful woman._

"You have secret," Ketut said knowingly, glancing between the two men again. They could only chuckle in response. Meredith took a sip of her fresh smoothie, content to watch for now.

"We do," Owen answered with a large smile – _perhaps the happiest Meredith has ever seen him_ – it was true, he was relaxed and rested.

Derek only smiled _– he glanced at Meredith briefly before he smiled_ _big_ – like a Cheshire cat and began to open the file in front of him. "I trust everything's here," he said to Owen elusively, winking at Meredith. "I was making a smoothie earlier instead of making a review with the lawyer," he laughed like the devil inside.

Meredith's eyes went wide. "_This_ is why you fought with me about the mangos?" she teased incredulously, taking another sip of her smoothie.

"Hmm ... yes, but you'll see ... it will be worth it – _plus, that was __not__ a fight_ – that was ...," his voice trailed off as he caught Meredith's intense anticipation.

"What?" she laughed, leaning into him.

"That was the voice of reason ...," he argued lightly with a chuckle, but flinched away from her playful swat against his arm all the same.

"Derek ...," Ketut interjected. "Men tease often ... do not play often," she warned playfully and this time is was she who laughed like the devil. The players laughed along with her.

"So true, Ketut," Meredith agreed, winking at Derek. "So, this is the big reveal then?" she asked the men.

"Yes," Owen answered with a smile.

Derek flipped through the papers briefly and then looked up. He handed a file to Ketut, then to Owen and lastly to Meredith. She must have glanced down at the file at the same time as Ketut because the duo gasped in unison at first sight of the file label, which simply read: _'Meri House'_.

"Lets get started," Derek said, glancing briefly at Meredith before taking her free hand in his. They all flipped the file open.

"Ketut," Owen said, glancing at the first page. "We would like to offer the clinic space to you ...," he said softly, meeting her serious gaze. "As a place for women's health ... for education," he clarified slowly.

Meredith glanced down now. Smartly, to aid in translation the men and the lawyer had prepared a graphical presentation of how the clinic would operate under the terms of the _Shepherd-Hunt-Jackman Tax Shelter. _Meredith smiled upon reading the names listed; she turned to Derek who was watching Ketut intensely. The pie chart was split into two halves – _one half was labeled 'clinic' and the other half 'trust'_ – the _'clinic'_ half was further split into four sections, each labeled with a name identifier (_Shepherd, Hunt, Jackman and another Jackman)._

"This is a gift ...," Ketut said seriously, looking up to find Derek's eyes. "I cannot only _take_," she counseled. "We must barter," she explained.

"But you aren't just taking Ketut," Derek said with a smile. "Look here," he said. Reaching over, he pointed to the pie chart.

"See the _'clinic'_ half of the circle?" he asked. Meredith followed the logic along with Derek's explanation, both she and Ketut nodded. "That's the clinic, it is supported by Owen and four friends of ours and me," he said softly.

"Friends?" Ketut asked seriously.

"Yes ...," Owen said softly. "Our dear friends the Jackman's from Darwin and ... and his ... ah, lovely parents," he answered with a wry grin, his eyes darting to Meredith's for a moment.

"Meri's doctor?" Ketut smiled.

And so did Meredith, _wow_, was all she could think.

"Yes," Derek answered.

"Okay ...go on ...," Ketut encouraged.

"You would run this clinic ... in the current space," he explained. "Each of us will pay for a portion of your salary ... do you see this number here ...," he started to point to a larger number at the top of the page.

"No," Ketut said strongly, flashing her wide, worried eyes up. She held his gaze steady. "Too much," she admonished gently, glancing at the page briefly again before she made to close the file.

"Wait," Owen said, laying his hand along Ketut's forearm. "Wait," he repeated desperately. "See this number here," he asked, instead pointing to the additional number next to Derek's name.

Meredith held her breath and scrutinized the chart more closely; her eyes resting on Derek's segment of the _'clinic'_ half of the pie. Unlike the other benefactors, there were two numbers beside his name ... one for the clinic, the other with a dotted line to the _'trust'_ half of the pie. Meredith turned to Derek then _– immediately lost in his deep gateways –_ her mind working a million miles a minute until she heard Ketut's voice.

"Yes," Ketut answered quietly, her voice subdued. "Trust," she whispered.

"Yes," Derek answered finding Meredith's hand without looking away from Ketut, he took a deep breath to quell his racing heart and then continued. "This is a trust made for Wayan's schooling until the age of twenty-one," he said softly. He glanced at Meredith briefly and then back to Ketut for reaction. "See that, Ketut, one half of your salary will pay for Wayan's education through me," he explained.

_Meredith's heart went nuts as she looked down at the pie chart again, her hand still in Derek's, his words hanging in the air they all breathed. Her eyes followed the dotted line from Derek's portion of the 'clinic' to the 'trust' portion of the schematic, allowing it to sink in – Derek was funding the trust all on his own – it was his own gift, he was the sole benefactor and the meaning behind that gift was not lost on her. _

_Her heart banged inside her chest and up to her ears as she gripped Derek's hand in an effort to ground herself – all of a sudden consumed with more love that she ever imagined possible – was this really happening? It was all she could think as she looked across the table to Ketut who also sat motionless with her own wet eyes. Meredith reached across the table to her and took her hand in her free one, she held it there. The two women smiled at each other through blurred eyes. _

_The foursome made a circle of sorts then, with Owen's hand still resting on Ketut's forearm and his fingers pointing to the 'trust' segment on the pie chart, Derek's fingers resting within that same piece of the pie, his hand in Meredith's and her hand in Ketut's – the selfless yet meaningful energy was felt by all – the 'give and take' unbeatable._

_And in that moment, Meredith looked away from Ketut – the intensity too real – she had to look away and especially away from Derek. She was hesitant to release her gathering tears of – utter joy and endless love – so hesitant to break the spell that encapsulated them all, that she kept her eyes wide instead, refusing to give in to her need to crumble or evaporate or succumb to her emotions. She was stuck, stymied and she didn't know what to do first:_

_Cry or ..._

_Laugh or ..._

_Cry or ..._

_Jump for joy or ..._

_Cry or ..._

_Simply melt ..._

_Her heart leapt now, racing more like the lead car in the Indy 500 than her lifeline. She squeezed Derek's hand and looked away still, refusing to ponder how she might just melt right out of her skin if she dared to look at him. How she might disintegrate if she didn't say something ... anything. Her mind was spinning out of control and she could barely breathe, suffocated now by the pure love and adoration bouncing between all the players – her emotions so real, so vibrant – they took on a life of their own, housed in her trembling body. No, she dare not move._

_Except that she found herself doing just that. She turned to Derek and blinked – fat tears covered her face – she was captivated, he was the same Derek, her Derek, except he wasn't ... he was so much more than that all of a sudden. She released his hand brought it to rest along the side of his handsome face, he became blurred again as she watched a small tear fall from his right eye. It landed on the strong line of his cheek bone and slipped under her fingers there._

"You're taking care of my boy ...," she whispered, her voice so soft ... it cracked.

"I am," he answered softly, unwilling and unable to take his eyes off of her. "He's ... he's part of my journey too ...," he sighed with relief, it felt good to reveal his plans ... he had secretly longed for this moment.

Meredith began to shake with pure joy. "I ...," she started to say ... _what could she say? What could be enough?_ "Sixteen years ...," she muttered in disbelief, her mind filled with jumbled thoughts, she was losing control. "I ...," she tried again, her voice waivered; her free hand fell to her belly. More tears fell. "I need a minute," she confessed softly, silently extricating herself from the moment.

_She stood, made brief eye contact with both Owen and Ketut and took her leave, quickly walking through the restaurant, down the small dim hallway and into the safety of the kitchen ... by now, an extension of her home in some ways. She slipped inside and pressed her back against the wall in the darkened corner just to the left of the doors. She took several big gulps of the familiar fragrant air – this was big, huge even ... this was a gift – there was no 'give' on her part – this was a gift of a pure heart and in that moment she was quite sure she would never house more love in her heart than she did, right here, right now ... she was maxed out ... spent. Completely full. She trembled hard, trying to regain control of her senses, doing her best to combat the overload, but it was no use, she was wasted until she saw Derek push through the doors._

He was on her within seconds, stepping closer. His fingers dancing along her bare skin, her hairline, her neck, her shoulders – _his eyes scanned over her_ – checking and double checking before he spoke. "Hey," he whispered, only the hot sticky air between them now – _everything hung in the air, a precarious balance_ – all the unreleased emotions hovered, penetrating their bubble after each passing second. "I'm here ... I'm here," he soothed.

"I know," she panted. "I know ...," she said, gravitating toward his energy.

"What's up ... what do you feel ... tell me," he pleaded gently as his lover became blurred around the edges, unshed tears stuck in his eyes with no place to go. He dare not blink.

"I feel," she breathed. "I feel too much, Derek," she whispered, finding his eyes, she braced herself for the onslaught of emotions. "My heart ...," she tried again, pressing her hand over her pounding muscle, she searched his eyes. He pressed his hand over hers.

"It hurts, doesn't it?" he acknowledged.

"Hmm, yes ... but ...," she breathed, trying to formulate her words ... _her heart was full, at capacity ... it hurt ... it hurt, deliciously so._

"But in the most amazing way ever ... right?" he asked. Meredith nodded, lacing her fingers through his. "That's what you do to me," Derek whispered. "Every day ...," he said, his voice shook. Meredith found his steady eyes. "You do ...," he chuckled. "You chew me up ... but you never spit me out ... it's what you do to me ...," he said, taking her hand. He pressed it over his pounding heart. "Right here ... I'm full," he said, pushing his forehead against hers.

"You love me ...," she laughed breathlessly ... sometimes she could hardly believe it. "You really ... love me," she sighed, relishing in their proximity.

"Hmm, I do ... love you – _madly, truly_ – you have no idea how much," he said. "Remember what my mother said ... I sounded young and free," he whispered.

"Yes," she sighed. "You do ... this island, this trip ...," she agreed.

"No ... no ... I left the message _before_ we got here Meredith," he sighed and he watched realization cross over her face. He smiled. His heart leapt with joy. "The lightness, the simple joy ... it belongs to you ... you and this baby," he said softly, his heart racing as he reached down and passed his hand along her belly.

"Kiss me," she said, pressing her hand over his ... opening her mouth to his as she did.

_Derek moved his hands up to her skull and held her there – suspended in time, already lost within each other in Ketut's magical kitchen – he kissed his lover then – craving the taste of her sweet mouth – nothing but two lovers now – bonding and fusing, linking their soul connection – over and over and over again. Derek pressed his mouth over hers, brushing his tongue along hers while her hands found his belt loops and she brought him even closer to her, for no amount of distance was acceptable now._

_Meredith closed her eyes in heated bliss – Wayan, Wayan – she chanted silently as she opened her mouth to Derek's sweet kiss of love and adoration. She pulled her mouth from his and found his eyes – they crinkled with happiness around the edges – bright, young and free against the dim backdrop of their temporary enclave._

"Never in my life could I love another the way I love you ...," Meredith whispered – _her heart on fire_ – her lips barely touching his now as she traced her fingers along his lower lip ... she was lost in her need for him. His hot breath fanned her face and neck, his hands found her waist.

"Me too," Derek sighed, brushing his lips against hers once more. "Me too ... I love you," he said into her mouth. "So much," he said before he kissed her again. Reluctantly ... he pulled away. He smiled, placing his hands on the smooth skin of her shoulders. "We should ... go back," he breathed. "Better?" he asked.

"Much," Meredith sighed, pressing her lips together. "We should go back ...," she giggled, her new smile returning now.

_Derek laced his fingers through Meredith's and they exited the kitchen, walking slowly down the dim hallway and into the restaurant where they spotted Ketut and Owen in deep conversation. They crossed the small space and watched as Ketut stood up. Meredith released Derek's hand and headed straight into the midwife's soothing arms. The women embraced then – Meredith harvested her feelings of motherhood and protection – under Ketut's wide, all-knowing energy ... she was safe, they were safe – Wayan was safe – and the world seemed to stop and only then did Meredith close her eyes and when she did she was flooded with an image of those unrecognizable bright green eyes – so intense, so deep, deeper than the ocean and so familiar, yet so uniquely unfamiliar it was scary – she opened her eyes quickly and was met with Derek's soulful gaze and beaming smile. She pulled away from Ketut – her heart was trembling with unknown speed – as they scanned each other's wet eyes and laughed like school girls at their emotions._

"We are blessed my friend," Ketut said softly, glancing at Derek and Owen.

"We are," Meredith agreed as Ketut sat down in her seat once again.

_Derek and Meredith sat down as well and the four friends seemed to let out a collective sigh of relief before they all laughed together – exchanging happy glances, red faced with glee, eyes shining with joy – as Owen poured each player and cup of tea. Meredith took a long sip of her mango smoothie and let out another sigh and everyone laughed again before Ketut spoke._

"Okay, my friends," she acquiesced with grace. "Okay," she said with a broad smile, perfect white teeth on display for all to see now.

"So ... you'll do it then?" Owen asked, his hazel eyes dancing over his dear friend.

"Yes ... Owen," she breathed. "We will have ... _'Meri House'_," she said decidedly.

"Thank you Ketut," Derek said, taking Meredith's hand in his.

Meredith blinked and fresh tears sprinkled along her face. She made no move to wipe them away.

"Thank you Owen ..," Meredith said softly, her eyes locking with his, the intensity of his gaze, somehow softened and he too seemed lighter and more free ... just like Derek.

"It's for the joy, right Ketut," he mused quietly, catching the wise woman's eyes with his for a beat. "It's nice for me ...," his voice trailed off. "For me ... to give, to save ... personally," he offered, exchanging a glance with Derek.

"It's a good start buddy," Derek encouraged.

Meredith watched the exchange – _her two trusted confidants_ – growing, learning and giving _freely_. She sighed with satisfaction.

"You will see ...," came Ketut's all-knowing voice. "Wayan is the missing piece ...," she continued.

"I can feel that," Derek offered. "But I'm not sure ...," his voice trailed off with uncertainty until he felt Meredith move his hand to her abdomen. His eyes met hers as she pressed his hand there and left hers over top of his.

"Meri," Ketut smiled, the women exchanged a glance until Ketut's eyes left hers and she found Derek's again.

"They boy ... lost his father," Ketut said, her eyes intensely focused on Derek's.

"Yes," Derek acknowledged softly, his voice level and calm, despite his racing heart.

"You also lost ... father," she stated firmly.

And only then did Derek's skin prick with fever _– his hand still pressed over Meredith's belly_ – his eyes hopelessly locked on Ketut's, he found it impossible to look away, to break their connection ... _how did she know ... how did she know_, he chanted silently.

"Your eyes tell me ...," she answered his unasked question. Derek's heart stopped and he smiled weakly. "You are missing each other ... you are pieces to each other ...," she stated firmly. She smiled broadly and glanced at Meredith for a beat, her eyes followed Derek's hand as it still rested along Meredith's belly. She nodded. "Daddy already ...," she smiled. "You are needed ... by him," she added. "You will see ...," she said softly.

And on those words, the _healer-seer-baby catcher_ closed her eyes briefly _– and it seemed she was transported somewhere_ – a world away while she sat, right here, right now. Yes, she was somewhere else entirely.

_Meredith watched Ketut as she pieced her own puzzle together – the puzzle hidden deep within her psyche – the puzzle of the future and the past and everything in between. So it was decided, Wayan was more than just her boy, he was Derek's too –he was part of his journey – a journey that wasn't over yet. She smiled and brought their hands up to her mouth and kissed the top of his – she loved him more and more with each passing moment – yes, she was full of love, totally and completely... full._

_Ketut opened her eyes and they darkened into serious hard pits, but not with fear ... it was something more else entirely, it wasn't joy and it wasn't pain ... it was somewhere right in the middle. Her brow was knitted in intense concentration now before her facial lines completely relaxed and her intensity receded until she was all that remained. Her bright eyes returned and she scanned each player carefully ... perhaps reviewing the puzzle pieces and then she smiled, flecks of orange infiltrated her eyes again before she spoke._

"Yes, Wayan is the missing piece," she confirmed happily.

###

Derek turned the water off and stepped from the tub – _his mind still on Wayan and the meaning of him, the role he was destined to fulfill_ – it was true, they were linked ... yet paradoxically, they were missing pieces to each other via their mutual loss of their fathers – _their fathers were lost, taken _– and that meant something ... where do they fit, he and Wayan? They were both fatherless _and not by design_, but by circumstances beyond their control. _'Wayan is the missing piece,'_ Ketut's words played over in Derek's mind as he quickly dried his skin off and pulled on a fresh pair of boxers. He began to brush his teeth. He rinsed his mouth with some water Meredith left in a cup for him, patted his face dry, clicked the light off and exited the bathroom into the darkness of the bedroom.

As his eyes adjusted to the dark, shadowless room _– he sighed at the sight before him_ – crossing the small space, he stood at the edge of the bed and smiled. Meredith was lying on her side, her head propped up on her pillow, her hand draped along her belly, her fingers hidden underneath the black tank top she wore. Her face was free from worry, her breathing slow and regular ... but not deep. He slipped into bed, the thin white sheet felt cool and damp against his warm skin. Meredith instinctually rolled into him. He smiled into the dark room and wrapped his arms around her, she sighed, perfectly content.

"Thank you," she whispered, pressing her wet lips to his bare chest.

"Welcome," he replied, his hands in her damp hair.

Meredith raised herself up on her elbow and came to rest her in the soft hairs along Derek's chest. She smiled, leaned down and kissed his flesh again, this time over his heart muscle. "Thank you," she said again.

"I meant what I said ... I would do anything for you ... and this ... this trust is for me too, Meredith," Derek said softly, running his hand along the beautiful line of her neck to her shoulder. "If you feel like he saved you ...," he whispered, taking his time, choosing his words carefully. "Then he saved me too ...," he finished, pressing his lips together.

"So ...," she smiled widely. "It _is _give and take then, in some small way, isn't it?" she beamed.

"I suppose it is," Derek agreed with a smile, unable to take his eyes off of Meredith ... she was just stunning ... and even in the dark he could tell her cheeks were rosy with happiness.

"Talk about perspective," she said with a wry grin before she lay her head down on Derek's chest again. She yawned big, unable to stop her body from relaxing, the inertia of the evening finally taking its toll.

"Tired?" Derek asked, moving her tank top up, he caressed the smooth skin of her lower back, just above her panties.

"Yes," she sighed. "A little," she managed to add before she yawned again and then all was quiet for a beat. "Will you kiss me to sleep?" she asked quietly, melting even deeper into his warmth.

"Hmm," he said, pressing his lips into her hair. "We haven't done that in a long time," he mused with a small grin. "Not too tired for that?" he asked with amusement.

"No," she sighed. "Never," she added definitively.

"_Hmm, okay,"_ he whispered, raising himself up while Meredith lay back down against her pillow. Derek took her hand in his and gently kissed each fingertip, brushing his lips along the heel of her hand as well as her palm. _"Where to?"_ he asked softly.

Keeping her eyes closed, Meredith raised her hand and pressed evenly over her pulse with two fingers. Derek leaned forward and pressed his lips against her neck – _tiny, wet kisses _– Meredith's favorite kind, _kiss, kiss, kiss_, he pulsed his lips over her pulse, lifeline to lifeline.

"_And now?"_ he prompted, his hot breath slamming into her skin as he spoke, his thigh draped over her legs.

_Meredith sighed and brushed her fingers over her earlobe. Derek moved and took her lobe into his mouth and sucked on it, darting his tongue across her sensitive skin. Meredith moaned and the air became sticky and sweet as Derek breathed her sweet essence in ... pressing it down, savoring it, making it last. He felt Meredith's hand sweep across his back and come to rest on her heart. He moved down and kissed the top of her hand, she pulled it away and he kissed her flesh just above the fabric of her tank top – moving it down with his mouth – he sucked on more of her sweet skin, dipping lower and lower until he pressed a kiss onto her nipple through the thin fabric still there. Her nub hardened in response as Derek's fingers danced under the fabric at her abdomen._

"_Meredith, where?"_ came his question as he moved off of her for a beat.

She kept her eyes closed, but swept her hands under her tank top, pulling it from her body without a second thought. Her heart raced into the blackness as she cupped her breasts and ran her thumbs back and forth over her nipples. She sighed. "Here," she whispered. "Slow ... slow ...," she quietly ordered as her breasts had become over-sensitive.

"_Still sore ...,"_ Derek muttered, positioning himself alongside her body once again. Her hands fell away as Derek leaned down and pressed barely there kisses over her flesh, gently stroking each nipple with his wet tongue – _feeling the new fullness in the weight of her breasts as he went_ – her alabaster skin glowing in the night, her nipples taut and beautiful._"I'm so sorry ...,"_ he whispered, wishing he could take the pain away, her hands found his skull, she held on tight as he stopped to blow on the raspberry peaks before he repeated the same action again and again.

"It's okay," Meredith sighed, sinking deep and deeper into pleasurable bliss, moving her hand down to her belly.

_Derek pressed his whole hot mouth over each nipple once more before he slipped his tongue down Meredith's supple body to her belly where he stopped. He leaned down and pressed teeny, tiny kisses to her belly button, laying his head down on her ribcage for a moment to reflect. He let his fingers dance along her skin – tears pricked his eyes at all that was happening beneath his hand – Meredith laced her fingers in his while he raised himself back up. He leaned down and pressed more kisses to her pelvic bone – her sweet sex wafted up into the air – as he continued to nibble on her skin there. He moved his mouth over her belly again._

"_Good night little one,"_ he spoke into her flesh, his voice cracking as warm energy consumed him and he heard Meredith sigh above him. She rested her hands on his neck through his hair and held him there. _"We love you, baby,"_ he murmured before he felt Meredith tug on his body. He looked up and found fresh tears along her face, her fingers resting on her lips.

"Kiss me," she ordered breathlessly, her emotions getting away from her again – _she would need him_ – physically, mentally, spiritually before the night was through.

_He moved up and wiped her tears away, her hands flanked his skull at once as he moved in between her legs and she wrapped herself around him. He put his mouth over hers – darting his tongue into her depths over and over and over again – until they were both breathless, panting for more. Derek pulled back, Meredith's chest heaved as he ran his hand through her blond tresses and down the column of her neck to her shoulder. Meredith intercepted his hand and moved it down to their sides, snaking them in between them, where she wordlessly left her hand on her mound._

_Taking her signal, Derek pushed himself back on his heels, snaking his fingertips into Meredith's panties, he moved them down to her thighs and pulled them off of her legs, before arriving back at the entrance to heaven's gate. He leaned down, pushing his forearms under her thighs before he pressed a soft kiss to Meredith's clit – barely visible now – it would need some coaxing, if that's what she wanted. For now he settled on pressing open-mouthed kisses to her pussy – letting his mouth linger ever so slightly – intoxicated already by her sweet elixir, mango on the tip of his tongue, for now. He continued this action for several minutes, exercising extreme control – careful not to run his tongue along her seam as he so desperately wanted to do – all in the name of kissing Meredith to sleep ... the point being ... kissing to sleep ... not necessarily making love or climaxing._

_Derek's mouth on her was one of her most favorite things – he could suck her off any day – and she would be completely satisfied and although the point to kissing like this was to sleep, somehow Meredith always ended up energized or over-stimulated to the point where she needed – actually __needed__ a release, an orgasm – to actually fall sleep ... and tonight was no different. So she wordlessly opened her thighs wider and felt Derek pull back – of course he would wait for her invitation – so with a wry grin as she slipped her finger through her mound and pressed it into her hot, fleshy core – pulsing in and out for a beat – before she heard a guttural moan fall from Derek's lips and felt his mouth cover her now-engorged clit._

"_Hmm, Meredith,"_ he moaned into her hole, she draped her feet over his shoulders, he tucked his hands under her ass and brought her down on his mouth, his tongue darting into her depths as he siphoned her sweet juice, drinking her down. _"Hmm, you taste so fucking good ... so good,"_ he pulsed his tongue into her again, reaching as far as he could, slipping two fingers into her, he began to pump furiously now.

"So close ...," she muttered, sighing loudly into the darkness of her mind and their room. "Oh, Derek ..," she felt herself slip under a little more, pleasurable bliss covered her like a hot blanket from the dryer now ... fever pricked her skin.

_Derek slipped his fingers in and out of her channel, pressing his whole mouth over her clit – he played with the fat nub, pushing it with his tongue, pulling it back gently with his lips – only to set it free once again. God, her pussy was gorgeous and so fucking tasty, he could hardly stand it! He could cum just from sucking her off – it was as easy as that – it was all he needed, really. He feasted on her then – yes, she could have been his last meal – he was lost, totally and completely in love and lost within her – there was no place he would rather be than right here, right now – and he was quite certain she could never make enough of her sweet juice to fully satisfy his need to drink her down. Never. Ever._

_He felt Meredith tug on his head – but he ignored her for a beat – deciding instead to swirl her fat little clit in between his lips and press down ever so slightly, her hips rose up as he fucked her with his fingers, both his face and hands soaked with her sticky juice. He pressed his mouth over her pussy one last time before he felt her tug on his head once again, this time he would acquiesce. Derek reluctantly pulled away – he was breathless, panting ... and so was she – writhing under his touch, still tense from the pleasurable pain of his ministrations ... where he left her teetering on the edge of oblivion._

"I want you," she said into the night, finding the waistband of his boxers with her hands, she pushed them down, before she raised her feet and moved them down the rest of the way.

"_Not too tired for me?"_ he husked as she opened her thighs even wider, wordlessly offering herself to him once again.

_Meredith answered by fisting his cock – pumping him up and down, stroking him, swirling him over her clit – until she moaned in delight at the feeling of his muscle in her hand before she pressed his fat head against her opening._

"No, never," she muttered, finally opening her eyes as he pressed his rock hard and ready cock into her hot awaiting depths. "Oh God ... Derek ...," she panted, pressing her lips over his. "I love you," she whispered against his mouth. "So much ... so much," she whined as he filled her up – _flesh on flesh, nerve on nerve_ – there was nothing like it.

"I love you," he said, maintaining his gaze on hers before he began to move in and out of her depths. "Hmm, what you do to me ...," he sighed as he stepped up his pace.

"Faster, deeper ... I need it ... I'm too close," she heaved and he delivered.

_Meredith lay all the way back under his weight, she pressed her knees up and under Derek's forearms as he struck her pussy again and again and again – no sign of letting up – no need to even think about longevity ..._

_It was fast ..._

_It was furious ..._

_It was carnal ..._

_It was hot ..._

_It was them ..._

_Totally and completely ... them ... as they fulfilled their mutual needs, their wants and their every desire over and over and over again._

_Derek pulsed deeper – as deep as he was willing to go, the baby on his mind all the time now –Meredith writhed underneath him, pressing his ass cheeks down and toward her, their lips fused ... their souls remained linked together for now and for all time ... precious gifts on their minds – gifts of life, gifts of love ...yes, the gift of 'them' was truly all powering and ever-present – they finally understood this now as they floated in the sea of bliss until only they remained._

_He slammed into Meredith one last time as she lowered one leg flat against the mattress to secure her orgasm. She clenched her delicate muscles around his cock she treasured so much ... and that was it ... they filled each other up, hanging on for dear life now as they floated... everything was black and deep and beautiful and endless ... sleep called for them, yes ... sleep. Together. Forever._

_Meredith felt Derek's cock pop from her confines and she let him go. After a moment, she felt his lips pressing all over her damp skin – all the while he whispered to her – terms of endearment, terms of love ... straight from his heart ... his heart full of love._

"_I love you,"_ he said, pressing kisses to her damp torso, dragging his tongue up to her breasts where he passed his mouth over her rosy nipples one last time.

"_You are my angel,"_ he whispered softly into her ear, kissing her there. _"My everything,"_ he sighed into her sweet skin.

"_I can't live without you,"_ he muttered softly as he kissed her pelvic bones, breathing her in.

"_I can't wait to meet you,"_ he said softly, his voice cracking as he pressed a lingering kiss low on her belly.

"_Hmm,"_ he sighed, his nose in her pussy – _his hot breath tickled her nub, he pressed an open-mouthed kiss to her clit_ – soft and quick, plucking it slightly, so perfectly beautiful. _"You taste like us,"_ he added, darting his tongue out for a beat longer.

Derek moved up and rested his head on the pillow next to Meredith's; he drew the sheet up and rested his hand over her belly. He closed his eyes, sighing into the air all around them. Meredith rested her hand on top and that was the last thing she remembered before the peaceful deep, blackness of sleep came to take her for the night.

She sank into sleep and rested her humming muscles, still floating in the sea of bliss – _with no desire to move until morning_ – for she was right where she was meant to be, wrapped around her lover, her lifeline, her everything on that magical island in the middle of the ocean ... yes, everything was black – _until she spotted those unfamiliar, yet completely familiar bright green eyes_ – and then she smiled in her sleep.

**Chapter 15 – These Are Days – Part 4 of 4 to follow.**

_Author's Note: I did some searching on youtube and found a lot more Balinese Gamelan concerts than I expected. Keep in mind, I wrote this piece from my mind's eye, from my own experience and by listening to a CD I have of the wonderful music ... so if you are interested, it's out there if you do a search. Let me know how I did ... I can only hope I did the traditional Balinese music justice through descriptive prose. I do have a link to the video I thought was the shortest/best audio, so if you are interested, feel free to email me and I will send it along. Thanks for reading._


	36. Chapter 15, These Are Days, Part 4 of 4

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al. **

**Author's Note: Thank you for following this story, enjoy and please do tell me what you think, it would mean a lot.**

**Chapter 15 – These Are Days – Part 4 of 4**

Meredith held Derek's hand as they stepped through the temple archway and walked down the winding pathway toward the beach and the old temple location. The air was warm and sticky – _the morning sun high in the sky_ – the hot wind pressed against them ... but they would not be deterred. She held her breath now – _for their time here was limited and she wanted to savor it_ – she wanted to hold onto that all-consuming aura of love and peace she felt whilst inside the temple walls ... she wanted to hold on and never let go. She sighed and braced herself against the salty breeze that barreled down the natural wind tunnel made from the temple wall on one side and thick bamboo shoots on the other.

Derek squeezed Meredith's hand, pulling her near as he watched her hair whip up, shrouding her beautiful face and eyes from his view as she let out a big yawn, reminding him once again of the early hour. For with less than two weeks left on the island and the promise of heavy rain for the next few days, an early morning visit to the temple seemed more than appropriate, and it was – _being inside the temple walls always grounded them_ – both together and apart from one another and even more so for Derek since he allowed himself to let go of the residual guilt he'd harbored for not being with Meredith when she learned about the baby. And as he let go – _a little more each time_ – it allowed him to move, to heal beyond those regretful feelings and just own it ... and live it, become a father – _fuse him to the baby in a powerful way_ – far surpassing his expectations.

He smiled now – _trying to make his way back to that powerful feeling of love and acceptance_ – as he turned his head towards Meredith and watched her sari blow in the wind behind her – _the wrap portion whipping away revealing her lean, tanned thigh_ – she giggled and pulled the edge down and pressed on. Derek shook his head and draped his arm around her shoulders as they neared the end of the pathway, taking a deep breath of the _spirit-filled_ air, the steps to the beach just ahead. They stood at the top of the steps for a beat before Derek slipped his shoes off. He held Meredith's hand as she did the same and then he leaned down to collect the shoes. Meredith held her bag open and Derek dropped them inside.

Meredith took his hand then and the pair walked down the old stone steps – _just feet away from the pristine beach now_ – the salty air, the bright blue Indian Ocean calling for them, drawing them in as they stepped into the warm white sand and sighed together – _their destination,__ Pura Penataran_,_ the stone gateway-tower of the original temple (dating back to the 1500's)_ – in plain sight now and it was more than spectacular –_suspended in time for over five-hundred years with no sign of crumbling_ – standing tall and proud against the bright blue ocean and cloudless sky. The warm ocean breeze was gentler now – _with no restrictions, no structural markers to change its course_ – nothing to guide it now as it moved freely just the way it was meant to. They came to stand shoulder to shoulder in front of the relic – _dwarfed by its size and significance_ – taking in the simple beauty of what was once the prominent entryway to the temple … they could do little else but crowd together and sigh, no words could suffice.

"It's stunning, it's it?" Meredith whispered, her words carried off into the wind now – _the crashing waves and their ricochet against the temple wall was the only sound she could hear_ – even her heartbeat was muted.

"It is," Derek agreed. "The energy alone …," his voice trailed off – _for he was unable to articulate more than that_ – his feelings were just too immense.

So instead, he let his words move into the wind, joining Meredith's sentiments somewhere out over the vast ocean because there were no words … or perhaps there were too many words. For Derek, much like Meredith, had traveled in his life and seen some pretty amazing relics – _mostly European_ – and yet, neither one could recall feeling the way they felt here – _on this island_ – surrounded by the deep cultural meaning of Balinese life and traditions.

_And whether it be …_

_The journey or …_

_The company or …_

_Their soul connection …_

_It didn't matter because in the end it was nothing short of magical – they were finally spiritually aligned – and perhaps the greatest magnifier they had encountered was: each other._

Meredith reached for Derek's hand without looking away from the ancient gateway. "From behind the temple wall, it looks like it could be carried out to sea …," she said softly. "Doesn't it … it looks so old and nicked," she continued, completely captivated. "But really it's strong … it's not weak at all," she mused.

Derek ran his thumb over the fleshy part of Meredith's hand, silently grounding himself. "I keep thinking about how it's still here – _how all of this history is still here_ – after the wave … crashed …," he replied, staring at the relic, shielding his eyes with his other hand as he looked into the bright sky.

"Ketut said the temples – _both the old and the new_ – are serving their purpose here, a constant reminder – _to stand tall and proud_ – making a silent plea for the villagers to join in and remember and revel in their fortitude," Meredith explained.

"Well, it does that for me … certainly is thought provoking," Derek mused, so much on his mind these days.

_Peace. Acceptance. Love. Trust. Meredith. Baby. Bali. Wayan. Rain. Seattle. Rain. Clinic. Ketut. Owen. Solace. Reluctance. Leaving. Cutting. Cabin. Home. Home. Home. Life. Wayan. Baby. Meredith. Baby. Meredith. Trust._

"What's on your mind?" Meredith asked, drawing him from his private reverie.

"Too much," he confessed.

"Tell me," Meredith said as she moved, leading him down the beach toward the clinic, they could walk from here without going to the street level.

_Derek looked at Meredith as they walked, her eyes remained focus on the endless beach ahead – the salty air filling their lungs, the sand in between their toes – silently reminding him of the small details he loved. He smiled at Meredith's surety as she walked with purpose._

"Giving the key to Ketut last night … we're wrapping up here, it's everything …," he said, unable to find a concise place to start.

"She'll be fine Derek," Meredith soothed, looking up slightly, allowing the morning sun to press against her face.

"And Wayan?" he asked softly, hoping against all hope that everything would play out in the future just like he envisioned – _that Wayan's mother, Made, would be open to the trust_ – and that Ketut would have success with the clinic. It was everything and so much more.

"He will be too," Meredith smiled. "We'll always be connected now," she said thoughtfully.

"This whole time has been about that … connecting the dots," Derek said wistfully as Meredith came to stand in front of him. _God, she was gorgeous_. He smiled weakly.

"It's heart-aching to leave isn't it?" she said as she let her bag drop to the ground.

"Yes," he said, drawing her closer.

"Because I think we'll never be the same and you know …," she smiled, moving Derek's hair away from his brow. "I'm happy for that _– I love that_ – my time here, it's been a million times more meaningful because you're with me and because of this baby …," she sighed, collecting her tears in her eyes.

Derek closed the small distance between them, cherishing his lover, his lifeline for the moment, searching to make it last. "I can't … imagine my life without this experience, without this baby on the way … without you … I'm forever changed …," he breathed into her damp hair. "I love you," he said softly.

Meredith pulled back and smiled. "I love you … so much," she replied, for words beyond those three were not necessary.

"We'll be okay," Derek said, captivated by her intense green eyes, still glassy with unshed tears. He lead her down to the water, they stepped into the small waves without looking back.

"All of us – _even Owen_ – I think … it seems you've made some headway," Meredith said, lifting the edge of her sari up, the small waves lapping at her ankles.

"Yes," Derek answered, his feet sinking into the wet sand now. "I hope …," he said, letting one of his fears go.

"He's grown," Meredith offered, lacing her fingers with Derek's. "He's stronger … more connected," she encouraged. Derek sighed and Meredith turned into him, clasping her arms low around his waist. She pressed a kiss to his chest.

"Yes … he is," Derek said. "Come here," he muttered, ducking his head down before he swiftly captured her lips with his.

_He wasted no time before he deepened their kiss, wanting nothing more than to connect – __with her__ – right here, right now … feeling a sharp pang to release some of his emotions, but preferring to do it without words, for all he needed to ground himself (most of the time) was a kiss from Meredith. One kiss and everything would melt away – the world and all of its problems – gone with the wind and that's what he wanted as he kissed her now …_

_To find solace in her capable arms …_

_To find comfort in her healing hands as she held him where she wanted him …_

_To find her …_

_Just her …_

_His woman …_

_His everything …_

_For she was all he ever needed and wanted and craved and lived for and cherished and … loved. _

_Meredith pulled away ever so slightly now, sighing breathlessly while her sweet essence commingled with the salty air creating a paradox of its own as she brushed her lips against his once more – kissing him – slow and easy and everything in between._

The lovers turned away from the ocean and headed back to Meredith's bag, the steps up from the beach to the street level, right in front of them now. Meredith took a couple of larger steps and ended up in front of Derek and he watched her go _– her rich aura following her as she went, the sun cascading down around her now _– she looked like an angel. He sighed. He would miss seeing her here – _under the bright sun and endless blue sky_ – marveling once more at what this island had done to her.

"Meredith," he called out to her. She stopped and turned around, her green eyes shining, her aura radiant.

"Hmm?" she murmured, at a loss for words.

_She smiled instead as he stole her breath away – the bright blue Indian Ocean shrouding him, the sparkle of the water against the sun, dangerously close to the sparkle in his own eyes – she sighed at all that had happened to him since their reunion and melted a little bit (again) at the thought of growing their baby. Her hand found her belly as he walked up the beach._

"Will you …," he breathed, reaching for her hands. He laced his fingers through hers and brought their hands between them – _palm to palm_ – he smiled as they leaned into one another. "Will you come away with me before we leave this island?" he asked with a small smile.

"Yes," she answered, her smile never fading. She pushed against his hands and found his eyes again. "But where on earth would we go from here," she wondered out loud with a giggle.

He smiled. "To Ubud," he whispered. "And then to _Pura Besakih_," he said, never taking his eyes off of her, he pushed back.

"The high holy mountains …," she smiled at her lover.

"It's an idea," he said. "And a way to finish this spiritual journey … after our assignment is over, we'll have a week to spare before I have to speak with Richard …," he rambled on, but smiled all the same. There was no doubt, Derek wanted her up there in those mountains, he wanted to see her there and live the moment with her. She smiled and pressed against his hands.

"Sounds perfect," she whispered, already lost in the deep sea of his eyes. "I'll have you all to myself," she mused, giggling as she released his hands and covered her mouth over his with a lingering kiss, all the while her mind was wild _– Ubud, Derek, Ubud_ – yes, she was excited, for hoped making their collective dreams come true might make it easier to leave this blessed place when the time came.

###

Derek waved to Made as the couple made their way down the small street from the beach to the clinic. They walked down in the shade, the sun peeking through the large palm leaves overhead – _life was in action now, no sign of the tsunami remained_ – as villagers bustled and smiled and smiled and bustled all around them. Derek held the door for Meredith as she walked into the clinic only to find Owen on his cell phone, pacing the small space, running a circuit …still running in circles?

He was listening intently to his caller, but nodded to his cohorts and smiled – _his face light and cheerful_ – and Meredith couldn't help but wonder if her friend actually got some sleep. He held up one finger and handed a familiar bound file to Meredith. The couple looked down at the label as Owen disappeared down the small dim hallway.

**Personal & Confidential: Dr. Owen Hunt**

**Somali and Ethiopian Refugee Camp**

**Extended Triage Clinic**

**Ahwar, Yemen Coast**

Meredith swallowed hard just pondering the contents of the _Doctors Without Borders_ dossier, fully aware of the wrath she would find within – _should she dare herself to open the file and see for her own eyes where her dear friend was headed_ – where he stationed himself. She silently wept inside … unable to move her eyes from the file label as the words became as blurry and jumbled as the thoughts that raged in her mind. She flashed her wet eyes up and met Derek's – _she felt his warm hand pressing low on her back_ – wordlessly calming her, offering any kind of peace he could. Meredith set her bag down on the desk and sat down in defeat … consumed with worry already.

"Meredith," Derek said, taking the seat next to her. He placed the file on the desk. He looked to her, quite sure nothing he would say to her would allay her fears.

"I don't even want to open it," she whispered, her eyes met Derek's – _calm me, soothe me, make my heart stop shaking _– she pleaded silently. "He's taking it … he's going … I just …," she sighed in disbelief.

"You thought he'd take a break," Derek offered.

"I did," she said, leaning in to his heat as he draped his arm around her shoulders. She relaxed, seeking solace while her mind wandered for a beat.

_Thinking now about how much her life had changed since she set foot on this island – how remarkably different the outcome was from what she expected – thinking now about how emotional she felt, how things came together because she took the risk to change her life, change her destiny, her fate by surviving all that her life in Seattle had become. She thought Owen had moved and changed and grew in some ways along with her and Derek … but maybe … maybe he still needed that inspiration, maybe she and Derek and Larissa and Peter were not enough. And maybe they never would be._

"He's been at this a long time … it's hard to break cycles, we know that …," he counseled, interrupting her train of endless thoughts.

"The human condition – _we condition ourselves_ – I know …," she sighed lamely. "It doesn't make it any easier to accept his unwillingness to really live Derek," she persisted.

"What did you think? That he would just up and leave … come with us, go to Australia …?" Derek asked, offering the scenarios that had crossed his mind.

"I don't know what I thought," she chuckled nervously. "I'm – _I'm not myself, I'm hyper-sensitive_ – I don't even want to think about him there ..," she said, pointing to the file label before she forced herself to open it.

"He's grown … he's changed, we know that, maybe this next one will mean something else," Derek offered, scanning the opening paragraphs of the document.

"You really think so … that he won't compartmentalize this experience?" she asked, her eyes also scanning the document.

"I do … I hope so …," Derek sighed.

"Me too," she whispered into the space between them. "Otherwise what was all this for?" she asked quietly.

The couple was silent for a beat – _each lost in the words before them_ – their minds processing the horror, the plight, the circumstances of the Somali and Ethiopian refugees. Meredith's hand instinctually found her belly, silently calming herself as she absorbed the situation.

_Beautiful people. Innocent children. Waves of sad eyes. Dangerously overcrowded boats. Beaten by their smugglers. Bruised and broken and torn. Battered. Lost in the deep sea. Parents separated from children. Families torn apart. More than five-hundred refugees. Starvation. Malnutrition. Dehydration. Disease. Blood. Sweat. Tears. Lost yet found. Thrown out to sea in their desperate escape from their war-torn states. Wide yellow eyes. Loss of spirit. Loss of self respect. Loss. Loss. Loss. Babies. Children. Mothers. Fathers. Families gone, perished. Scars are souvenirs._

Meredith sighed heavily, fever pricked her skin and it wasn't at all from the sticky, hot air. "Derek," she whispered. "They need him …," she relented, looking away from the file to find his eyes.

"I suppose they do," he said sadly, dropping a kiss to her forehead. She closed the file and everything was quiet for a beat.

Owen loped happily into the room, his voice interrupting their raging minds. Meredith smiled weakly – _her brain still flooded with dark_ _images_ – Derek ran his hand up and down her back and also smiled at his friend.

"It's Peter," he announced happily as he engaged the speaker phone.

"_So … lovers, I hear we have 'Meri House' then," _he chirped happily into the line, the players could see his smile

Meredith smiled. It was always good to hear Peter's voice. "We do … thank you Peter," she said with a smile, although she maintained a curious eye on Owen as she spoke – _was it business as usual for him_ – something told her it was not. "And your parents," Meredith added. "You'll make sure to thank them –"

"_Of course darling – you know, anything for their dear boy – I must confess, Meredith dear … the guilt card is always a safe play,"_ he cackled conspiratorially.

The players laughed at his antics – _but couldn't argue with his_ _logic_ – especially if it garnered results like _'Meri House'_. Meredith smiled and looked between Derek and Owen for a beat – _one hand resting comfortably along her belly now_ – as she absentmindedly ran her fingers along the file label. She glanced down – _Somali, Ethiopian Refugee, Camp, Extended Triage, Ahwar, Yemen_ – a world away in more ways than distance … her heart went nuts and somehow a chill passed over her heated skin.

"The attorneys should have everything set before we all leave – _just about two weeks to go_ – but …," Derek sighed, taking Meredith's hand in his. "It looks like we'll always be in touch ..," he continued.

"Which is where the joy comes in … right?" Owen chirped up.

_Meredith and Derek's head snapped up, each focusing on their friend now – was this the same man? Perhaps Derek was right – maybe some growth and survivorship and inspiration had been found – maybe the world would start to look differently after their bond, his continued connection with the island and the villagers and his friends. Meredith smiled and caught Derek smiling too._

_"Dare I say it again old chap … you sound good!"_ Peter's happy voice boomed through the line. _"First he comes up with this fishing idea and now this idea of joy!"_ he continued. _"Meredith, where is my old brooding boy and what have you done with him?"_ he laughed like the devil, his cackle hanging in the humid air all around them.

"Fishing?" Meredith asked; her curiosity and amusement, evident.

"Yes, fishing," Owen said; a hint of mischief and excitement in his voice.

"_The old boy's meeting me off the coast of Tahiti when our time on Bora Bora is concluded – Larissa, my love will take off – and we will go deep sea fishing for a week … with a guide of course!"_ he explained happily.

"A week," Derek mused with a smile, unable to hide his surprise.

"A week," Owen confirmed. "The timing worked out – _it's all about timing_ – if I remember correctly," he added, locking his smiling eyes with Meredith's.

"That's wonderful news," Meredith sighed happily, her eyes finding Derek's briefly before she turned back to Owen.

And as she listened to Derek decline their invitation to join them _– this time_ – she wordlessly pushed the file away slightly and sat back in her chair, choosing instead to focus on hearing more about this fishing expedition – _more about what could be the start of a new path_ – a new direction for her dear friend and forever confidant.

###

Derek stood over the desk and carefully peeled the last of the mango skin away. He put the peel into a small plastic bag before he began to slice the juice fruit. They'd gotten in from an early dinner about an hour ago, just as the heavy rain began. He could hear it now splattering along the window – _endless, haphazard drops_ – forcefully reminded him of Seattle, once again bringing the reality of their situation – _they're eventual departure_ – to the forefront of his mind. His eyes roamed over the book titles for a beat, he spotted the Doppler on the chair next to the desk. He smiled.

"_So, Bailey's excited,"_ came the soft timbre of Meredith's voice from behind him.

"She is – _I saved her message for you_ – but you know …," Derek said as he put the last of the mango slices on a small white plate. He turned around to find Meredith sitting against the back of the bed, her legs crossed Indian style, wearing nothing but a bright white tank top and a pair of panties. He crossed the room and handed Meredith the plate. He leaned down and pumped her lips with his, _once, twice_. "Hmm," he sighed and she giggled. "Does it sound weird that there's a certain joy I found in making Bailey proud?" he asked with a smile.

Meredith laughed as Derek made his way to the bathroom to wash his hands. "Um … no … she demands more from us than we think we're capable of … so when we deliver … she feels proud and we feel good … I get it …," she called after him, taking a piece of the mango_._

_God … what would she do without mango? She pondered this for a moment before shaking her head at the ridiculousness of her mind or body … or both!_

Derek exited the bathroom and smiled. He slipped into bed next to Meredith. She held the plate out for him and he took a slice of the fruit.

"Before I left … she was hell-bent on putting up that clinic," he sighed. "And I just couldn't get it …," Derek chuckled at himself now.

"I know, for me … being here, it was easy for me to get where she was coming from – _her need to feel inspired_ – I got it, I could see it … I was already living it," Meredith said, catching Derek's eyes with hers. She smiled.

"I was rude," Derek muttered. "I was all about the funding … I didn't get it … I couldn't understand her need for more," he reflected. "I was caught up in my own life – _cutting, working, trying to survive_ – but now … perspective won, in the end …," he smiled into Meredith's captivating eyes. He leaned over and moved a small wisp of her hair behind her ear, anything to connect, to ground himself.

"I know I've said this before … but I'm proud of you," Meredith said. "You've grown," she said offering the last piece of mango to him. _'No',_ he shook his head. She laughed and put it in her mouth.

"So it seems," he said with a chuckle. "Was I selfish and jaded before?" Derek asked, already well aware of the answer.

"Yes," she answered candidly, turning slightly, she placed the plate on her bedside table, grabbed their book and turned back to find Derek right where she left him.

Derek chuckled. "I love you," he muttered, leaning closer, he kissed her sweet lips. "I don't deserve you," he sighed against her mouth.

"Yes … you do," Meredith said softly, barely pulling her lips from his. "We're better together," she stated.

"We are," Derek said, brushing his lips against Meredith's once more. "Ready?" he asked; a sparkle in his eyes now.

"Ready," Meredith answered, flipping the book open to the book mark, she moved down on her pillow and put her knees up. "Week twelve," she sighed, her hand resting low along her belly, rubbing circles, wordlessly connecting.

"Week twelve," Derek repeated as he moved to lean back against his pillow and began to read the small passage from the book.

"_Your baby is now just over two inches long – about the size of a lime, although she only weighs about a half an ounce –she's already stretching her small body and kicking her arms and legs. Her tiny swimming exercises becoming more frequent now, although you won't feel your baby's fury of movements for another month or two, nor will you notice her hiccups, which occur frequently now that her diaphragm is forming. The most remarkable of the developmental tracks of this week are your baby's reflexes. Your baby will soon be able to open and close her fingers, her mouth will make sucking movements and her eye muscles will tighten and relax._

_Around this week, your uterus will shift up and forward as it grows, which will relieve your bladder a little bit – and enjoy this while you can – because by the third trimester, the uterus will grow large enough to sit directly on your bladder once again. Morning sickness usually subsides by this time, and you may be less tired. Although headaches and light-headedness become more common now thanks to the increased blood volume from your growing baby."_

Derek sighed and Meredith giggled. He put the book marker in the spine of the book … ready for next week. He closed the book, reached back and set it on his bedside table. He rolled into Meredith and found her happy eyes. She rolled into him – _their eyes happily dancing together_ – if possible, happier than they were last week at this very same time. Derek's warm hand found her belly and he wondered what was going on in there now.

"Last week a fig, this week a lime," Derek muttered playfully with amazement and pride.

Meredith giggled. "Our baby's growing up," Meredith cooed, resting her hand over Derek's for a moment.

"Yes … and you're amazing," Derek said softly. "_And I know what you're gonna say_ ... but you are, you're protecting this baby, nurturing him or her … _no one else can do that Meredith_ …," Derek professed.

Meredith leaned closer, wrapping her thigh over Derek's hips. "I love you," she said softly. "You're amazing too … taking care of us the way you do …," she mused. "Better together," she sighed, closing her eyes briefly.

"Meredith," Derek said after a moment of watching her relax. "Can we wait until we're up in Ubud to use the Doppler?" he asked, finally voicing the idea he had much earlier in the day.

Meredith opened her eyes. "That sounds perfect," she said softly. "Then we can start to tell our friends – _besides Cristina and Owen_ – and then your mother …," Meredith said thoughtfully.

"My mom is gonna flip," Derek said happily. "And I know you're nervous about meeting her … but like I said –"

Meredith silenced him by placing her fingers on his lips. She smiled. "I'm not … anymore," Meredith shushed. "I know my place with you in your life, I know you love me _… you and this baby are all I care about_," she said strongly, finding comfort in his deep, sparkling eyes.

"I do … love you," Derek whispered.

_The air was suddenly heavy and damp; it swallowed Derek whole like Meredith seemed to do all the time. His heart skipped a full beat as he became his own paradox– for he was lighter than air, yet so heavy and full of love – he wondered now why he ever tried to taper his love for her … he was foolish to even try._

"I've been judged before in my life … but I'm a mother now, Derek," Meredith said as a fury of tears sprang from her eyes. "It's not just about me anymore – _I'll be territorial to a point with this little one_ – judgment won't bother me," she offered thoughtfully _– her mind briefly touching on her own feelings of loneliness and abandonment as a child _– before she abruptly pushed them away, she had no room for them now.

"Oh Meredith," Derek sighed, drawing her closer, moving his hand along the side of her face. He brushed her tears away. "My mother is gonna love you," he said, his pride bubbling up now.

"How can you be so sure?" Meredith asked, leaning in, she kissed his soft lips, he tasted like sweet mango.

"Because what you just said, just now …," he smiled. "Is exactly something she would say … that she's a mother first and foremost …," he chuckled. "And so are you my love … so are you," he sighed, pulling Meredith closer.

_And so there they stayed, wrapped around each other, kissing and loving and loving and kissing – new parents, old lovers, reunited, bonded, for now and forever – with their miracle, their flesh and blood nestled somewhere safely between them – all the while dancing and swimming and moving – maybe even with the hiccups._

**Chapter 16 to follow.**

_Author's Note: If you are so inclined, you can find some amazing photos of __the temple Meredith and Derek had visited, this is the outer perimeter of the temple where she first spoke with Ketut and found out about their little miracle. You can find photos at f.l.i.c.k. (just remove all of the (.) to get to the site) and do a search for the temple name (__Pura Rambut Siwi) __and you just might find yourself e-nlightened (Get it?). Enjoy._


	37. Chapter 16, Blackbird, Part 1 of 3

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al. **

**Author's Note: ****So without really saying anything, I'd like to say this chapter is critical to the entire story ... it's cohesive in the idea of all three parts ... each part is necessary in its own rite.**

**This song, "Blackbird" by The Beatles really speaks for itself; there truly was no other song for this chapter. Enjoy it and by all means let me know what you think.**

**Chapter 16 – Blackbird – Part 1 of 3**

Lyrics for "Blackbird" by The Beatles:

Blackbird singing in the dead of night, take these broken wings and learn to fly  
All your life, you were only waiting for this moment to arise

Blackbird singing in the dead of night, take these sunken eyes and learn to see  
All your life, you were only waiting for this moment to be free

Black-bird fly  
Black-bird fly, into the light of a dark black night

Black-bird fly  
Black-bird fly, into the light of a dark black night

Blackbird singing in the dead of night, take these broken wings and learn to fly  
All your life, you were only waiting for this moment to arise  
You were only waiting for this moment to arise  
You were only waiting for this moment to arise

**Chapter 16 – Blackbird – Part 1 of 3**

The trio stood shoulder to shoulder high above the rice paddies with about twenty villagers, all male – _the rain was relentless and completely unforgiving, yet the storm was a quiet one_ – a slow system that had hovered over the island for a day and a half already. As storms go – _conditions were variable, unpredictable at best_ – and yet there seemed to be a pattern within the haphazardness of it all … Mother Nature's natural balance at work again with the strong monsoon winds and heavy rain seeming to taper off at precisely the right moment.

And that's where they were – _one of those precise moments of lighter rain and clearer visibility_ – amidst a reprieve from the nuisance of the wind. The bright blue sea and sky had been marred by the dim grey and brown tones of the storm – _but at the moment,_ _the tenacity of the late afternoon sun shining high, high above the thick cloud cover was slowly making a difference now_ – as Meredith took one last look at the rice paddies. The long beautiful lush green plants laden now, heavy with saturation of water and earth … _mud_, it was everywhere – _even in the air, if that was at all possible_ – every breath she took was heavy with a thick coating of earth.

But even still, the inescapable rain was not foremost on Meredith's mind, for Mother Nature's balancing act was not the only axis she was worried about – _for she was consumed with finding the balance of a happy life_ – even more so since she picked up Cristina's latest voicemail just this morning. However, she had no output, no way to move on from Cristina's frets, for she was unable to reply to her call as a cell phone signal was virtually unheard of at the moment … so here she was with only time … time on her hands to stew. Over and over again Meredith wondered what she would say to her person who was struggling with the _desire_ to marry Burke, despite the _disappearance of her voice_ since their wedding plans had gotten underway. Cristina hallowed words played in a continuous loop now, her tone so hallow that it broke Meredith's heart to pieces:

"_I'm disappearing …,"_

"_I'm losing myself …,"_

"_I'm not sure what to do …,"_

"_Tell__me__ … what to do …,"_

But Meredith couldn't – _even if she could get a damn cell phone signal, even if she wanted to, she couldn't_ – how could she voice her opinion matters of the heart? _How could she advise Cristina on this one thing, this one life-altering thing? And what had happened to her … her dear strong friend?_ For the Cristina Yang Meredith knew always _knew_ what to do and what she wanted and how to achieve it! Which only made Meredith wonder … was this marriage right for Cristina? And if Cristina honestly believed it was, how could Meredith help her (_and thereby help herself_) in finding the keys to a happy fulfilled life – _one of balance_ – how to become their enabler, their own key … to having it all – _working, being a wife, raising a family, playing_ – all in the name of simplifying the quest for satisfaction … could it be done?

Derek took Meredith's hand in his and squeezed, wordlessly offering a reprieve from the perfect storm brewing in her mind. She laced her wet fingers through his and smiled. It had been a rough few hours and yet, they stood here still, waiting to offer their assistance if need be – _after all, she and Owen __had__ harvested this rice_ – why not take the next step and protect the precious grains along with the villagers? And it was with this thought in mind that they made the trip up to the paddies early this morning – _rumors of a mudslide abound_ – all three doctors agreed, the most they could do would be at the scene should there be injuries.

Meredith snaked her free hand under her poncho and into the front pocket of her hoodie, resting her hand their over the baby. She felt the triage tags she put there for safe keeping – _green; non-emergent, yellow; delayed care, red; immediate treatment _– she chanted to herself, even now when the threat of an immediate mudslide or disaster seemed outlying at best. She smiled and peeked up and to the right at Derek – _his mind elsewhere still _– a fact Meredith only knew from the broad smile across his face. One that she had seen a handful of times in the last several hours – _even with the rain seeping into their every open pore, the effectiveness of their ponchos long gone_ – the man still smiled.

Owen on the other hand wasn't just somewhere else, she looked to her left now and found his roaming eyes –_ he was in a zone, a zone of survival; his eyes were wide and all-seeing _– he was in crises mode and his intensity at times like this struck two chords with Meredith: _awe and fear. _Awe for his innate sense to see the bigger picture before it happened, to anticipate the rising situation – _he was proactive_ – almost never reactive. And fear … fear for what he saw that she didn't. It was a balance – _one that Meredith was hard-pressed to understand_ – but could appreciate immensely.

_And then her mind fell on Cristina again, for she also had the propensity to strike the chords of those same conflicting feelings in Meredith – yes, Cristina hovered somewhere between awe and fear most of the time – of course her modus operands predicated this … for much like Owen, she was merely surviving in the best way she knew how._

When the interns first met, Meredith remembered being in awe of Cristina's tenacity – _her drive, her will, her competitive spirit _– and not to say Meredith didn't embody all of those traits, but Cristina took the idea of competitiveness to a whole new level, she was certainly someone who had something to prove. And in some ways she was inspiring – _but in other ways Cristina unleashed a deep fear within Meredith_ – for at times Cristina reminded her too much of her mother. It was true, both women were _forces of nature_ but the circumstances of their meeting never ceased to amaze Meredith, for just when she lost the awe and fear her mother brought forth – _just when Ellis initially lost her mind_ – Cristina appeared (_along with Meredith in the very same hospital where she spent countless hours as a child_).

_Meredith smiled now … was this just for the sake of balance? Would she perpetually live beside a woman who balanced her axis of awe and fear? It seemed she would, for Meredith would never give up on Cristina … which brought her mind back to balancing acts._

"So about where were you?" Derek asked. "During the harvest," he clarified, his soft melodic voice breaking through the cacophony of thoughts that consumed Meredith's mind.

"Hmm, see right down there, midway along that first terrace," she said pointing with pride. Derek smiled.

"Right below that tree at the top of the ridge then?" he asked, moving closer.

"Right about there," she answered with a smile. She peeked up and he glanced down, they met somewhere in the middle.

"Wow," he said and that broad smile returned – _he was so damn proud of her_ – he found her eyes and silently told her as much. "So … what's on your mind?" he asked.

_Meredith breathed, the wet air attacked her lungs and she shifted on her feet, her toes cold and wet from the rain as were her jeans from about her knees down, she was soaked through and through … they all were._

"Balancing acts," she said elusively.

Owen chuckled; both Meredith and Derek glanced at him. "That's my exit," he said with a wry grin, the amusement in his eyes surely hidden by the dark green color of his poncho. "I'm gonna gather a couple men to check the stability of those sandbags down there," he said, pointing to an area just above Meredith's terrace and without looking back, he was gone.

"So … Cristina?" Derek asked with a knowing smile.

Meredith smirked, turning into him. "Yes," she sighed, was nothing sacred anymore … _did the man have to read her mind?_ She giggled out loud.

His happy eyes scanned hers. "You'll feel better once you speak with her," he offered with encouragement.

Meredith pressed her lips together. "Maybe …," she sighed, the rain tapering off again as they spoke. "The thing is … I'm not sure what to say to her … do you … have any ideas?" she prompted.

He chuckled. "I wish I had the answer, but one thing's for sure – _no matter what you say to her_ – I'm on _your_ side …," he smiled and so did Meredith. "Just … proceed with caution," he advised with another smile.

She squeezed his hand again and laughed. "Caution … she still scares you?" she said, giggling breathlessly now at her lover.

Derek turned to face Meredith, drawing her near. She looked into his eyes, sparkling now against the dull gray sky. "No … it's just …," Derek sighed, taking both of Meredith's hands in his. "She and Burke have this strange balance to them … I can't put my finger on it … but …," he tried to explain the complexity he saw in their relationship, words failed him.

"It's a _take-take_ relationship – _it hit me when Burke had that tremor_ – they give to each other, but strangely at the same time those giving actions _actually_ take …," Meredith tried to articulate.

"Yes … and for a long while it seemed to work … for them," Derek offered.

"But …," Meredith prompted.

"But if she's losing herself in the process, the balance is off, something … or _someone_ rather, has to _'give'_," Derek replied.

"So … what's there to say – _don't lose yourself to the one you love_ – commit yourself – _surrender _– but still be yourself," she sighed. "Matters of the heart are so frustratingly –,"

"Complicated," Derek finished for her.

"Something like that," Meredith answered, finding his eyes in the darkening sky. Derek leaned down and pressed his wet, warm lips to hers.

"Seems this thing is winding down," Derek muttered against her lips. "Quiet storm," he said gathering her into his arms. Meredith closed her eyes for a beat – _her legs shook like Jell-O after standing for so long_ – she was losing steam, just like the storm and kissing Derek wasn't helping either, for he had a way to make her weak in the knees with just one pulse of his lips against hers.

"_It is quiet,"_ came Ketut's soft voice from behind them. Meredith opened her eyes to find her.

"Ketut," Meredith said softly – _finding her soft brown eyes under the steeple of her straw hat_ – always happy to see her dear friend, instantly warmed by her energy.

"Hello Ketut," Derek said, another broad smile covered his face.

"Hello friends," Ketut said as she seemed to float over to the couple. She smiled and pressed a warm hand to Meredith's forearm. "Come, Meri," she requested gently, an air of mystery locked within her deep gateways.

"Where are you taking her this time Ketut?" Derek half-joked, but was more curious than anything else.

"Baby is coming … maybe inside the hour," she smiled. "Mother is near … come play, Meri," she giggled. "Come catch with me," she said slowly as those flecks of orange in her soulful eyes woke up.

_Meredith smiled from ear to ear and glanced from Derek to Ketut and back again. Her smile was big and fat and excited and new … Derek melted inside._

She leaned up and kissed Derek. "Do you need me here?" she asked.

"I always need you," Derek said smiling as his sappiness. Meredith giggled. "Go … have fun my love," he said softly as he bent down and brushed her lips with his. "Go catch a baby," he whispered, kissing her soft and quick.

"Derek," Meredith sighed, she scanned his eyes. "Be careful," she whispered in the same hushed tone. "For us … be careful," she sighed, her eyes wet now. She turned to find Ketut looking on with her happy eyes. "Where will we be?" she asked.

"Down this way," Ketut said, pointing to a small road behind them. "One family place … then on the right," she said, pointing her finger.

Derek smiled and gathered Meredith in his arms once more. "I have an idea where you'll be," he laughed. "We'll be here … we'll wait for you here," he encouraged, knowing there was no way he would let her miss this experience.

"I'm going then," she whispered against his mouth one last time before she pulled back and winked. She walked backwards for several beats until she reached Ketut. Ketut beamed and so did Derek.

"Go … have fun," Derek encouraged again from his same spot, his breath taken again by Meredith's radiant beauty, even with her poncho gathered around her face, her happy eyes, her gateways revealed her true beauty in perpetuity.

"Come Meri," the soulful woman said, turning towards the small dirt pathway – _and Meredith went with her again without question_ – she followed Ketut into the light of a dark black night.

And as she did, Meredith took a moment to revel in Ketut's serene energy – _she was so calm, so sure … much like the storm that hovered overhead_ – Meredith smiled now and as their steps brought them closer and closer to the laboring woman all she could do was think about anything and everything she ever learned during her obstetrics rotations – _although she was acutely aware that experience would be unlike anything she had ever encountered before_ – medically or otherwise. A chill of excitement ripped up and down her spine as they came to a stop in front of a _door-gate_ along the wall of family's compound. Meredith looked back, finding Derek's silhouette next to the tree now at the top of the ridge and smiled, he was right where she left him.

Ketut knocked on the _door-gate_ and while they waited, Meredith finally took stock of some _useful _information – _having only been inside one other Balinese family compound before_ – she pushed through her excited mind to remember what she had learned about the basic family compound structure. For now more than ever she appreciated the fact that most Balinese family compounds were built with the same walled design – _focusing inward to the interior gardens … never out_ – with designated _bales_ (_open sided pavilions_) for each function of life – _worship, sleeping, cooking, eating, washing_ – with the _bales_ organized like the human body.

So at the head of the compound – _always facing the mountains_ – the family sleeping pavilion would sit, flanked of course by the shoulders of the family temple and shrine. Arms are signified by additional sleeping areas for relatives and guests. Legs are represented by the kitchen and rice barn … there's even an anus (_of course the garbage pit_). The gate opened, an older man with bright white hair smiled brightly and held the heavy door open for Ketut and Meredith.

Ushered inside without a word, the women followed the man around the _aling, aling_ (a small wall used to block evil spirits) and into the interior gardens. If there were any other family members at home, Meredith did not see them. For without a traditional living room, the outside verandas and seating areas were all but abandoned in the rain. Meredith smiled _– the earth and rain suddenly reeked of birth_ – and on this thought, Ketut made a sidelong glance at her and smiled brightly. They wordlessly followed the man to the washing room, taking a few steps up to enter; Meredith took one last deep breath of the fresh, damp air before she crossed over the threshold with Ketut.

The older gentleman closed the door behind them – _Meredith allowed her eyes to adjust to the dim light coming only from several oil lamps_ – while Ketut removed her hat and swiftly crossed the room to a small area off to the corner where the laboring women sat Indian style in a steaming bath dotted with colorful fragrant flower petals. Simple mats made of woven straw hung from the open walls, protecting the space from the wind and rain just outside. The rhythmic haphazard sound of the rain was a soothing soundtrack for the moment, strongly repelling against the rage reverberating from Meredith's excited heart. She allowed her eyes to move along Ketut's back as she spoke to the woman in a hushed tone – _Meredith hung back, waiting for an invitation to come forward _– taking the opportunity to absorb the energy of her surroundings.

She took a deep breath of the warm, heavy air in an effort to calm her racing heart, but she smiled instead – _the scent of the air familiar now_ – for swirling up and around her was a delicious combination of hibiscus, gardenias, jasmine and incense – _the powerful mixture smelled like home_ – calming her now as it made contact with her lungs. Her eyes roamed along the space some more, all the while she melted inside from Ketut's soothing words of encouragement, albeit in her native tongue (_Bahasa Indonesia_), which seemed to make no difference, for her beautiful tone and the intensity of her message transcended above any language barrier that existed at that moment.

The laboring woman moaned and closed her eyes – _Ketut spoke to her again, a small smile formed along the woman's face _– Meredith's hand found her own belly. For the first time she noticed there were two other women in the room, both dressed in more casual tops, but beautiful saris nonetheless. One was much older and the other possibly in her early twenties – _both women smiled appreciatively as if they expected her to be there_ – Meredith returned their sentiments in kind. She moved her gaze, watching as Ketut approached her with a large grin.

"Meri come," she smiled. "Take off," she said, tugging on the sleeve of her poncho. Meredith did as she asked and lay it down near Ketut's bag in the corner near the steaming tub.

_Meredith made brief eye contact with the laboring woman again – and the woman wordlessly returned her gaze – her brown eyes sparkling now against the dim lights and from that moment on, Meredith was riveted by her._

_For the woman looked like an angel … or something close to it …_

_With the steam rising from the water, there was an added element of secrecy to her …_

_She knew something no one else knew …_

_She held the key to life in her hand …_

_She coveted the missing piece everyone was searching for …_

_She was ethereal …_

_She was powerful …_

_She was a mother …_

_Her long dark hair was pulled up into a messy bun – she moved her hand out of the water, pressing the tiny fly away hairs from her forehead – the water splashing, the scent of the flowers breezed through the space in response. Meredith stood in her same spot, engulfed by the moment, unsure of what she should do next. The woman's face was flushed and her dark brown skin did nothing to conceal her ruby pink cheeks._

"Meri come closer," Ketut said, finding Meredith's unwavering gaze. She did as she was told and came to stand next to her. "This is Nyoman …" she whispered. "Nyoman is also coming," Ketut added happily.

The woman nodded in assent, her long and lean neck angled upwards now – _she was poised, graceful_ – her shoulders glistened with dew, her large beautiful breasts floated freely just above her protruding belly – _the women locked eyes and Meredith watched some kind of force rip through the Nyoman –_ Meredith instinctually counted although she barely flinched. Meredith found her abdomen had just contracted for _twenty seconds, maybe twenty-five._ Meredith smiled and relaxed again along with her. By the chosen name she knew this would be Nyoman's second baby. And then she had to wonder, was she this calm the first time around? She smiled … perhaps she was – _or perhaps it was Ketut's aura_ – but no matter what it was, Meredith felt spiritually calm from just sharing her space.

_Ketut leaned down and murmured something to Nyoman, who then uncrossed her legs and leaned back against the tub ledge while Ketut pushed her sleeve up and submersed her hand into the water, pressing one hand on top of Nyoman's belly and the other against her vaginal opening. Ketut smiled and locked her eyes with Nyoman's, whose eyes wordlessly danced in response. Ketut looked up and back to Meredith announcing that it was almost time, but all Meredith could see was the magic of the moment as it floated in the air they all breathed._

Ketut stood up and broke through Meredith's reverie. She wiped her hands off and spoke to Meredith. "Let us prepare," Ketut ordered gently. Meredith followed her lead.

She walked to a small wicker linen cabinet and pulled some brown towels from the large shelf. She handed them to Meredith. She crossed the small space to her bag and pulled out a long horn-like instrument – _it was smooth around the edges, one side had a wide lip, while the other side was narrow_ – it was about seven inches long. Meredith cocked her head with curiosity, _all in due time_, she supposed silently. Calling for the other women, Ketut bent down and laid a large drop cloth on the floor as they gathered around and helped her spread the cloth down. She then moved a low stool with a carved out seat and placed it in the middle of the drop cloth, a larger chair sat right behind this stool. Nyoman moaned in the background and Meredith turned to find her – _the laboring woman moved through her contraction with peace _– rising above it, at least for now.

"About how long?" Meredith whispered.

"Less than one half hour … she is ready," she said with authority. "Baby will crown … soon," she added, taking the towels from Meredith. She placed them on the floor next to the small stool. "Gravity …," she said with a smile, turning her attention back to Nyoman.

_The rain picked up outside – the intermittent splatter dropped against the straw mats now – as Meredith watched Ketut approach the tub. She leaned down whispered something indiscernible into Nyoman's ear causing her to smile – a soft animalistic whine filled the room – but her eyes remained closed and she smiled all the same, her long brown fingers nestled low along her beautiful large belly. Unexpected tears collected in Meredith's eyes – unable to stop them – she felt them spray along her cheeks. She sniffled and Ketut turned to her. She crossed the room and put her arm around Meredith._

"Meri … do you … feel Nyoman's … power?" she asked with a conspiratorial gleam in her eyes, she lay her hand along Meredith's belly.

"I think so," Meredith answered honestly, her tone hushed, her voice cracked as her eyes focused on Nyoman … so beautiful, so serene.

"She is close … do you feel … she is ready…," she asked, Meredith turned her attention to Nyoman, her family women flanked her shoulders now. One pressed a washcloth to her head. "She has … surrendered …," she stated softly.

"Surrendered," Meredith muttered with awe; her hand falling to her own belly, finding Ketut's already there. She instinctually leaned into her warmth … she had no choice.

"You need this … _time_ … with Nyoman … to ready yourself," Ketut counseled. Meredith's heart shook with anticipation just thinking about what might be … infinite possibilities were abound.

"She is a missing piece," Meredith offered softly, looking for confirmation of the deep hidden secrets held in Ketut's warm brown eyes. "For me," she added softly.

"For you … _Nyoman_ _is_ …," Ketut smiled. "Meri," she giggled, leaning in. "So smart … you are," she smiled knowingly – _her eyes so deep, so powerful_ – tears lined her eyes again without recourse. Meredith blinked and let them fall. She left them there.

"Do you see … Nyoman has … disappeared … stepping with care to be the lost one … the woman to … deliver … life," she murmured, the women looked at the Nyoman as another whine fell from her lips. "See … she is ready to … move, to surrender," she said softly.

"Surrender," Meredith whispered.

"Yes … only you can ... open yourself … lose yourself … and find yourself …," she said seriously, but her eyes danced with excitement all the same. "Surrender … only you can … only you … must …," Ketut whispered.

"Surrender," Meredith whispered once more, this time finishing the mantra for Ketut.

_Meredith's tears were gone now – for somehow she had arrived somewhere else – and she really was lost, but hopelessly found._

_Her hand fell to her belly and her mind fell on Derek and she melted inside._

_She had indeed surrendered to the moment._

_And from that minute on everything moved in slow motion –for even though Ketut moved swiftly through her directives – somehow Meredith had found herself somehow stuck – right in between awe and fear – she was suddenly right back where she started, somewhere in between her mother and Cristina._

_Ellis floated into her mind – a force of nature, even now – and with all of her might, Meredith pushed her aside … for she had no place here._

_And Cristina … Meredith would speak with her later, for now she had an idea now of what to say to her 'disappearing' friend._

Meredith turned her attention back to the scene before her as the older woman whispered into Nyoman's ear with haste, causing her to open her eyes at once. And without hesitation, there was movement as the women helped her stand up. The warm water cascaded down around her – _that protective sheathe now gone, tufts of steam swirled off of her deep brown skin_ – until all that remained was the gloriously beautiful Nyoman and her low and enormous belly of life.

Ketut called for Meredith and all four women helped Nyoman from the tub, ushering her to the stool where she promptly lowered herself, her beautiful belly hanging low in between her raised knees now, she sat down – _a birthing stool_ – Meredith smiled with her realization – _low to the ground and U-shaped_ – to allow easy access to mother and baby, ideal for '_catching'_. The older woman draped a plush celery-colored towel along Nyoman's shoulders, patting her dry and wordlessly offering her reassurance as she did. Ketut took the horn-like instrument and placed the wide-lipped side low against Nyoman's belly. She rested her hand down on top of her dark brown mound and pressed her ear up to the narrow end … _it was a fetoscope!_ Meredith sighed with awe, silently wondering how many baby hearts had been heard through the relic. Ketut looked up and found Meredith's shining eyes.

"Meri … come listen," she encouraged, her voice full of wonder, even now … after countless years of listening.

_Meredith snapped her hair tie from her wrist and threw her blond, unruly locks up in a messy ponytail. She crossed the small space and crouched down next to Ketut. She placed her hands where Ketut's were and pressed her ear to the narrow end of the fetoscope – the baby's thunderous heartbeat funneled into her ear immediately – it sounded like wild horses racing along the beach … waves crashed and the swell of the water moved in Meredith's mind, it was like listening to the ocean through a sea shell – and then there was this baby, who was as alive as the ocean was – living as it did in perpetuity within sea shells all over the world. Tears of joy gathered – was this too much for her little pregnant heart – the 'pregnant her' answered, 'No'._

She reluctantly pulled away and smiled at Ketut who smiled in return. She stood and spoke with the older woman who sat down at her place on the higher chair behind the birthing stool. Nyoman instinctively leaned back and into her surety, the woman snaked her hands low around Nyoman's belly where they held each other there. Ketut pushed back on one of Nyoman's thighs, while the younger woman held her other thigh in place with one hand, her other hand pressed into the crease of her thigh next to her mound.

"Meri … look," she murmured softly.

Meredith smiled – _the baby was crowning_ – Nyoman's vaginal lips offering just a glimpse in the perfect shape of an eye – _about the size of a papaya_ – pulsing, stretching around the baby's soft head … black hair slick with amniotic fluid, beautiful and soft and already perfect! Ketut pulled a pair of latex gloves from her pocket and Meredith did the same, instantly recalling she had shoved a supply into the pocket of her hoodie earlier. Ketut placed two of the large brown towels directly under the birthing stool. The younger woman handed a stack of small white towels to Ketut. She placed them at her feet.

Nyoman moaned softly then and Meredith looked up and found her concentrated face, once again in awe of this woman's power. She allowed her gaze to drop, focusing now on her abdomen for a beat – _and in that moment Meredith swore she could see the vibrations of the contraction as Nyoman 'surrendered' once again_ – and then all was quiet, eerily so …so different than in the West where many women used mental markers – _counting their way through birth … moving through the moment_ – but right here, right now, everything was quiet, except for the natural humming energy and the stormy weather outside _– yes, all was quiet – splat, splat, splat_ went the rain as the storm carried on.

Meredith watched as Ketut crouched low between Nyoman's thighs. She ran her fingers under the ridge of her vaginal lips, massaging her perineum and vaginal hood as she did – _Nyoman's vagina reacted to the stimulus _– opening a small amount more, slowly pulsing …moving … birthing.

"Meri … feel," instructed Ketut.

_Meredith knelt down and caressed the baby's crown – fast energy coursed through her on first contact – zipping up and down her spine, finally stinging her in the heart and deep inside her own womb! Had she ever seen or felt anything more beautiful?_

"And here," Ketut muttered, smiling with glee now as she took Meredith's fingers and passed them under Nyoman's taut vaginal folds. "Gentle hands … both brown," she teased, referencing once again the color of Meredith's tanned skin. "We are … same now," she whispered, both women smiled from ear to ear, joined hand in hand … _playing 'catch'_.

_The sensation of Nyoman's contraction jarred Meredith – stealing her breath – and the moving force of 'birth' consumed her as she felt Nyoman's muscles move over her fingers – constrict, pulse, release, constrict, pulse, release – the mother's power was intense … the baby's head moved further through the birth canal, now the size of a large orange, the entire crown was visible just above the baby's tiny ears which Meredith could feel with her submersed fingers. Some amniotic fluid trickled from her opening now, the baby's head covered thick membranes._

"And here," Ketut said, taking Meredith's other hand, she moved it to the underside of Nyoman's large belly which was rock-hard with contraction – _humming to its own melody now under her palm_ – and in that moment, Meredith became suffused to the experience – _she acquiesced, silently 'surrendering' in her own way_ – with one hand on Nyoman's belly and the other on the baby's crown … _she was connected_. Nyoman sighed – _low and guttural_ – her belly became softer, the wave of the contraction crashed against the shore.

"Almost time," Ketut muttered, releasing Nyoman's thigh, she stood up. Meredith followed suit, the women collectively relaxed along with the energy, each no doubt enjoying the momentary reprieve as hard rain pelted all around them.

_Ketut leaned into Nyoman's ear and whispered to her – Meredith watched with interest – as Nyoman's secret smile adorned her beautiful face once again. Meredith stood back and glanced along her entire form – trying desperately to fuse the moment to her mind's eye now – for she was sure she never wanted to forget any small detail. She never wanted to forget this night or Nyoman …_

_Or her angelic face, fully surrendered to the moment …_

_Or her breasts hanging free, dark, large nipples ready to feed her baby …_

_Or her thighs relaxed in a moment of submission …_

_Or her taut, ready abdomen, her pulsing vagina …_

_Or her baby's crowing head, still protected by mother, still attached via their cord, still dependant … not yet a free living entity._

The quake of another contraction effectively woke Meredith up – _Ketut was already kneeling down as the movement rocked Nyoman's whole body_ – her brow knitted with concentration, another low guttural whine came from her pursed lips … and then the gift – _the baby's head emerged a little more_ – one ear having passed above the vaginal opening. Ketut took the baby's head in her hands and gently moved her fingers under the vaginal lips again – _massaging, soothing, cooing_ – as she did before she turned around to Meredith and wordlessly asked her to kneel down with her.

The air was suddenly hot and sticky – _the rain outside pounded hard against the thatch-topped roof _– once again adding to the natural tempo of the moment, the storms (_both inside and outside_) gathering speed and inertia now as Nyoman's abdomen and vaginal muscles pulsed again – _she moaned in response, her breathing hitched_ – her face …concentrated. Ketut ran her against under the ridge of her vagina; low around the baby's chin, her fingers disappearing under Nyoman's hooded clit once more.

"Meri … here," she said, massaging Nyoman's soft, yet taut vaginal lips.

_Meredith leaned forward and Ketut took her fingers, moving them under Nyoman's hood – she picked up where Ketut left off – massaging the flesh and nerves, her fingers moving into the vagina under the hood, stopping briefly as to hold the baby's crown in place as the vibrations of another contraction pulsed through Nyoman's body – the woman bore down, her thighs pressed back, her knuckles white, a small whine – and with that the rest of the baby's head was miraculously delivered!_

_Tears stung Meredith's eyes as she held the small skull in her hands – so delicate, two perfect little ears, one button nose, so real, so wondrous … a pair of lips in the shape of a heart – her maternal soul went absolutely wild and she caught Ketut's shining eyes. Nyoman's hand flew down; wordlessly caressing her sweet little one, welcoming and loving already._

_Working in tandem now, Meredith continued to hold the baby's head while Ketut moved a small white cloth around the vaginal opening, wiping fluid away with small gentle movements, mostly along the baby's chin and neck. Meredith sucked in a deep breath of air – she felt like she was suspended in time – her mind moving through any and every medical fact she ever learned about childbirth._

_She was completely in awe now, shaking with indescribable joy as she held this little one's head – knowing that he or she was about to take the most arduous breaths of its entire life – that within seconds of birth, about twenty-five million little alveoli (air sacs) would be filled with air for the first time, having been filled with fluid up until this point. Remembering now that the hole in the partition between the heart's atria would be sealed – as the umbilical cord will be rendered useless – and the baby's blood and oxygen flows will be redirected to become self-sufficient._

_Ketut murmured a directive, Nyoman's head lolled back, she gasped for air now, her vaginal muscles clenching hard as she bore down, her thighs held back and away, she was open, she was ready … the baby's complete emergence into the world imminent now! Ketut held a small white towel over Nyoman's anus, her wiping action low and away, low and away as Meredith maintained her gentle hold on the baby's skull and neck, slipping her fingers into Nyoman's vagina to secure her grip._

"Shoulders next Meri," Ketut directed. "Do you feel?" she asked.

Meredith moved her fingers, placing them around the baby's small left shoulder. "I feel it," she whispered, barely able to speak through the emotions lodged in her throat.

Ketut stroked the area once more with the towel before dropped it and pressed her fingers – _palm side up _– under Nyoman's hood, lifting the muscles up, pressing up and over her clit area with her opposite thumb as she did. "Gentle now … turn … see the space?" Ketut asked, motioning to the small space she just created.

"Yes," Meredith whispered. "I see it," she said as her heart raced with excitement.

"Next move … _you_ _will_ … catch baby," she directed breathlessly. Meredith's eyes caught hers. But she only nodded in assent, silently offering words of encouragement.

_Ketut moved her gaze back to the task, the contraction started and Meredith seized the opportunity, gently turning the baby – ever so slightly, a quarter of an inch was all the baby needed – before all of a sudden there was an abundance of space and power as the baby's shoulder was delivered and Meredith caught the little one in mid air – warm and wet and petite and perfect – Ketut laughed with joy as she and Meredith raised the baby up, resting her at Nyoman's bosom!_

_Sighs of relief were exhaled. And a loud new wail filled the small quiet space – overpowering even the pounding rain now – the baby's first sound, first word to the world … everything was fine, all was how it should be! Ketut grabbed the last clean brown towel and draped it over mother and baby, holding the infant there as tears popped from five … no, __six__ pairs of eyes._

_Meredith leaned back on her heals, she was literally shaking, her whole body humming now – with a residual tempo of her own making – as she took a moment to relish in the pure unfettered joy housed within the small room. She looked at the flushed shining faces of all of the women and vowed never to forget how whole and healed and utterly complete she felt, right here, right now._

"Nyoman … is a girl," Ketut announced happily. "Strong … healthy … beautiful … and oh so smart," she cooed, Meredith smiled.

"She's beautiful," Meredith whispered, standing now, she peeked at Nyoman who actually winked in response –_while little Nyoman's alert eyes already focused on her mother's large and ready nipple_ – her rooting response in high gear, instinctually hungry from her demanding journey. Tufts of her thick beautiful black hair stood on end as she found her mother's nipple for the first time, grasping it with her perfect baby fingers, tenacious to a point.

_Meredith watched with interest as Nyroman's abdomen began to expel the afterbirth – the placenta and membranes – slowly and surely Ketut would begin to check the contents to make sure nothing was left behind._

_She stood and pressed her warm, healing hands over the baby's back as she spoke in a hushed tone with Nyoman, whose flushed face seemed to be the only evidence of her laboring._

_She simply glowed – her aura of motherhood was plentiful, enough for all women at this precise moment – she was truly a goddess._

_She moved little Nyoman and held her to her breast, teasing her lips with her ready nipple – the baby latched on and began to suck – Ketut grasped a pair of surgical scissors and cut the umbilical cord about an inch away from little Nyoman's belly … satisfied now that the baby was her own person … her own living entity … her own woman._

_Ketut added the cord to the afterbirth pile and continued to monitor the delivery of the placenta. She turned to Meredith and smiled, perhaps more genuinely and happy than in all the times since the two women had known each other – for they bore witness to a miracle – both together and apart from one another and it was a beautiful thing. And somehow the shared experience solidified their relationship, propelling the women light years into the future and beyond – not simply bonded by the clinic or the trust or even friendship – but by pure adoration and love._

###

About a half hour later Ketut and Meredith exited the door-gate –_ joyful celebration was alive within the walls of the family compound now_ – as the rain came down in sheets. The women walked arm in arm, huddled together against another powerful storm surge, one they also had no control over. Meredith smiled and glanced at Ketut again, offering yet again her silent prayer of thanks for their merging pathways. She was blessed, pure and simple.

Meredith and Ketut scanned the ridge above the rice paddies where they left Derek and Owen but all they could see was the drop off. As they rounded the small corner, Meredith strained her eyes through the rain and darkness – _her heart lurched into her throat_ – sick with worry, yet she had no idea why until saw Owen's crouched form as he stood next to the capsized root of the tree overlooking her portion of the rice terraces.

_She and Ketut began to run forward at once, each taking in Owen's stance as they floated and floated getting closer and closer – his one hand gripping the enormous tree root and the other hidden below the ridge he was leaning over – something was amiss!_

_Something had gone terribly wrong!_

_And then they heard the shrill of his call and knew they were right!_

"DO NOT SURRENDER!" Owen boomed. "I HAVE YOU BOTH!" he called out into the black night all around them.

**Chapter 16 – Blackbird – Part 2 of 3 to follow.**


	38. Chapter 16, Blackbird, Part 2 of 3

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al. **

**Author's Note: ****So ... thanks to everyone who commented on the last piece ... cliffhangers ... I don't like them either ... but I hope you'll come to appreciate being left there for that moment in time. Recall, this chapter is critical to the entire story and it's cohesive in the idea of all three parts, that each part is necessary in its own rite and by the nature of that idea, the cliffhanger was needed to divide the players' stories (for now).  
**

**One question for you all: Who do **_**you**_** think the blackbird is? Keep that in mind as you read on and tell me what you think if you so desire.**

**Chapter 16 – Blackbird – Part 2 of 3**

Derek watched Meredith's retreating form – _he stood and waited, frozen in his spot, light rain starting to fall in earnest once again_ – as the women came to stop in front of a family compound. Making a mental note of where Meredith would be, he watched them disappear as the _door-gate_ was opened in front of them. He sighed – _an unexpected wave of energy passed through him_ – just thinking about what Meredith would bear witness to and on that though he smiled inside. He turned – _cool rain splattered against him, he scanned the hazy scene in front of him for a beat _– before he turned around and found Owen's pensive eyes waiting for him.

"Where's Meredith off to?" he inquired with a wave of his hand in the direction she took.

Derek smiled. "Ketut took her to play catch," he chuckled.

"Really?" he said with amusement as excitement for his friend reached all the way to his eyes now. "Wow," he cracked a smile and it felt foreign to him for some reason – _the creases made within his skin_ – they felt … _new_. _Had it really been that long since he smiled?_

"I know," Derek agreed. "It's gotta be something out of this world … even more so with Ketut," he offered, silently wishing he was invited too.

"Yes," Owen replied, turning his attention back to the paddies below them now, scanning and checking the area, making a mental note of the various groups of men still out there. "She's in a world of her own," he shook his head, pondering his words for a moment. "She's frustratingly elusive," he muttered, turning to Derek before the men started to walk down towards the tree.

"She is," Derek chuckled in agreement.

The men walked along the ridge – _each footstep arduous in the mud now_ – their stormy range of thoughts collided in mid air – _ping, ping, ping_ – each man's head in the clouds, so cloudy not even the pelt of the hard rain could massage their weary minds and bones. The slow storm was nothing short exhausting, for the stamina – _both physically and mentally_ – and even more so for Derek, who admittedly was a novice in the realm of survival-crisis-management. The wind changed directions – _and much like thunder in the theater_ – the scene changed with the rain and wind picking up, pushing against them now, perhaps a silent warning … one that fell on deaf ears.

Owen stopped abruptly near the tree, vaguely aware of how much his feet sank into the softened earth as he did, the wind pushed against him, forcing the rain to pelt along his face and chest. He swept the rice terraces again – _checking for the connection, the missing piece, the element _– the reason for their presence up here with the villagers – _there was movement amongst the small groups, the placement of sandbags, lots of scanning eyes _– but nothing urgent was happening, there was a haphazardness to it all.

His eyes moved again, but again he had nothing _– he saw nothing_ – until his eyes focused on a small group of farmers. And then it occurred to him, there was nothing haphazard about them – _their mission was necessary_ – they had remained constant. They stood there still in their same spot midway between the tree and the edge of the rice terrace, right along the end-cap of the area he and Meredith had harvested. The three men sat crouched down, all eyes on a small levee, one oil lamp between them, the dim light illuminating their faces from beneath their conical straw hats protecting them from the rain. They were vigilant in their protection of this area _– and rightly so_ – but something was still missing … there was something _Owen _was missing! _Damn Ketut and her talk of missing pieces and paradoxes … the idea of seeing is believing … her words playing over in his head again now._

"What?" Derek asked, following Owen's intense, all-seeing gaze, the rain falling harder now.

"I'm looking for more than just …," his voice trailed off. "There's a connection here … _somewhere_ …," he sighed, his voice dying off again … it was on the tip of his mind and Ketut was likely right, everything he needed to know and see would present itself soon enough.

"Connectivity ...," Derek mused, his mind working overtime – _his eyes straining through the rain to see something_ – anything.

"I think …," Owen answered, his uncertainty growing. He turned to Derek, a momentary reprieve from the rain against his face. "That night – _the night of the gift, when you and Meredith disappeared into the kitchen_ – Ketut was …," he sighed with a wry chuckle, his face red. _"Ketut!"_ he exclaimed, shaking his head. Derek chuckled. "She said I would become a paradox … one I _couldn't_ hide from …," he said, pressing his lips together.

"A paradox?" Derek asked, shifting his feet in the mud, sinking a little deeper as he did.

"Yes … yes … that I would need to find the strength to _'surrender'_ … but only by asking those around me not to … _not to surrender_," he sighed, watching Derek's reaction with interest.

"Shit," Derek muttered with a wry grin. "That's almost as bad as the links and the missing pieces – _which I thought I understood_ – but there's still more to that … I think," he sighed, pulling on the toggle of his hood. "There's more," he added, roaming his wet eyes over the vast rice paddies once again.

"Yeah well, there's more to be seen from up here too," Owen said – _still searching, scanning_ – his relentless pursuit. "Even in this storm … there's gotta be more to see," he muttered.

"What do you see,_ I mean besides the obvious?_" Derek asked, turning toward the rain showers again.

Owen whipped his head back to Derek, a small smile playing along his lips now as he turned back to the paddies. "You know," he said, his eyes alert, transfixed now on the farmers. "It's what I _don't_ see that concerns me," he said elusively.

"What you _don't_ see …," Derek repeated, his eyes once again following Owen's gaze to the rice farmers.

"Yep, there should be more," he said. "And a small person, a small man or even a woman … someone who can …," his muttered abandoning his thought as his mind careened out of control. He abruptly turned his back on the paddies and walked briskly toward the small barn that housed supplies and emergency sandbags.

_Rain picked up with speed and power, coming down in sheets now as Derek followed Owen's lead and began to move sandbags – two and three at a time – each sandbag weighing in at about ten pounds, the bag itself made from worn burlap, rough around the edges from years of use and storage. The men worked with tenacity and after about five minutes they had positioned a small knee-high wall at the top of the ridge off to the side near the tree._

Derek stopped – _rain dripped from his brow in a steady stream_ – but he failed to notice, for he was already soaked through to the bone – _not cold, not even all that uncomfortable_ – just wet and waterlogged. "So …," Derek prompted breathlessly. "What are we looking for?" he asked.

_Owen held his hands on his hips – rain ran down his face – he left it there, for as soon as he would move his hands over his skin, he'd be drenched again, there was no point, the rain was just as much a part of him as it was a part of the storm now. He blinked hard, trying to clear the clouds from his vision, trying his best to calm the storm brewing in his mind and all around him now._

"That levee there, where those three men are," he said pointing to the farmers. "Underneath it there is a small natural duct, a gateway … so small they won't be able to get to it – _but so important,_ _so meaningful –_ that they'll need to access it before the storm is over," he said, thinking out loud as he spoke.

Derek shook his head back and forth. "So the levee has to be protected … but the access to the duct can't be compromised by sandbags …," he clarified.

"Exactly," Owen replied firmly.

"And three men won't be enough – _see the rice paddies, from the very top of the mountains all the way down to sea level have built-in irrigation systems_ – mostly natural, caused by years of harvesting rice – _the ducts and gateways and pass-throughs keep the paddies just wet enough_ – just muddy enough," he smiled tightly in recollection.

"So … the soil is naturally muddy," Derek concluded. His mind went nuts on that thought, _it's naturally muddy._

"Yes and maybe because the rain has been intermittent – _maybe it's not a cause for alarm_ – except that this storm is highly unusual … it's slow moving, it's been hovering over the island for almost two days now… rain coming from the top, hitting more than just this rice paddy here …," Owen clarified, stealing a glance at Derek.

Derek's blood ran cold and he turned to Owen. "It's the perfect storm," he muttered and all was quiet for a beat, except for the rain of course.

"Yes … some kind of mudslide is imminent, the ducts are very tiny, they allow only a small amount of water to pass through – _by design_ – to keep the paddies wet enough day to day …," Owen said.

"But with the amount of water coming down from above this point – _that duct there, or any duct_ – could hemorrhage …," Derek said, his voice trailing off with uncertainty. "So … what do we do?" he prompted.

"We find someone small enough to get down in there and make it bigger," he said with certainty.

"But who?" Derek asked as Owen started to walk down one of the natural aisle ways toward the men. "And how will we suggest it?" he prompted, acknowledging their language barrier.

Owen turned around to face Derek. "I have no idea," he said frankly before he turned around once more and headed back to the barn for more sandbags.

_The men worked in tandem for several beats – doing the only thing they could think to do at the moment – move sandbags closer to the area where they might need them, because language barriers aside, one thing was for sure … a barrier of some kind was going to be needed, and soon. Derek carried three sandbags down to the makeshift wall and set them down. He stopped and looked at the distance from the ridge where he stood at the tree trunk and the levee area below him. Owen set his sandbags down and exhaled a deep breath of air as he did._

"I think I could do it," Derek breathed, thinking out loud. "We could use the leverage from this biggest tree branch here and you could lower me into the well with a small shovel – _my own weight could work as an anchor_ – I could try to make the duct bigger from the opening –"

"No, it won't work," Owen interrupted. "You'll hit the point where the shelf you'll create will collapse, any expansion has to be done deeper inside the duct – _like a siphon, even a stick could be used_ – you're not small enough, _not even a child is small enough_," Owen shook his head in wonder.

_The two men stared over the horizon for several moments. Derek's mind wandered to Meredith for a beat – daring himself to think about the ties that bind – about her catching a baby – something, anything – to make him see the light at the end of the tunnel. He was lost in deep thought, instantly whisked away by the vision of Meredith until all of a sudden he felt a presence and a small hand slipped into his. Bewildered, he looked down and turned around to find Wayan! He was wearing a conical straw hat and windbreaker style jacket; his dark soulful eyes scanned Derek's._

"Wayan," breathed Derek, catching the easiness in his eyes, he remained mystified by the boy's timing. Owen turned around.

The boy said nothing; instead he moved and stepped in between Owen and Derek. He took their hands – _linking them together_ – Owen stared straight ahead for a beat, unwilling to entertain the implications behind the boy's wordless stance.

"We can't use him," Owen said firmly, fear lodged itself in his throat. He turned to Derek and spoke quickly. "Even if he wants to do this, we can't … we can't allow it," he muttered, his mind on Ketut and her words and their time, which seemed to be running out. Wayan squeezed his hand.

_Owen peered over his shoulder; the men were looking deep into the levee – they had moved, a flurry of activity now – what did they see? If the levee would blow at least half of the rice terraces would be ruined, not to mention that mud would indeed slide and most likely slip beyond the rice terraces, gathering speed and power as it went … surely homes would be lost, maybe even lives too. _

_Derek turned around and so did Wayan. He slipped his tiny hand into Derek's again and came to stand in front of him. Derek placed his other hand on the warm soft skin of Wayan's neck and wondered how long he had been watching them before he came over. Three sets of weary eyes watched the wave of activity for a beat. Wayan squeezed Derek's hand – trying again to impress upon him – but Derek agreed with Owen, they couldn't let Wayan go down there alone._

"I could go with him," Derek spoke quietly, his voice barely heard over the raging wind and his uneasy thoughts. The sense of urgency heightened now as the activity amongst the men on the field became more urgent.

Owen shook his head. "But how?" he asked.

"The same idea, we just tie the end of the rope around him, we'll lower him down and we'll keep our hands on the rope while he siphons … I'll be right behind him," Derek said.

_Time indeed was running out …_

_Owen knew that …_

_Derek knew that …_

_The farmers and Wayan knew that …_

_Owen tried to refute the idea but before he knew what was happening, Wayan extricated himself from the men – disappearing in the storm as he went – ducking into the storage barn only to emerge moments later with a heavy rope, dragging it through the mud as he made his way back to the ridge._

_His mind couldn't keep up with all that was happening before him and suddenly all he could see was the bloodshed of his past – friendships marred by tragedy, open wounds, guts, hearts, loss of life and of the future (his own included) –as his thoughts became flooded …_

_His own levees about to succumb to the pressure, threatening to break now … while all he could do was to stand idly by as Wayan fastened the rope tightly around his torso …_

_Yes, Owen was treading water at best, replaying his old, well hidden paradoxical vows one by one now:_

_Let go of the demons … the sense of attachment … the need for brotherhood and camaraderie …_

_Lock it down, become a lone warrior …_

_Never care, but don't be uncaring …_

_Never become vulnerable, but help those who are …_

Somewhere he found Derek's blue eyes and brought himself back, pulled himself back to the task at hand. Without thinking he tossed the rope over the highest bough of the tree, Derek caught it as it came down.

"Owen," Derek said, shoving a small tree branch into the waistband of his pants for Wayan to use later.

"Don't over-think it down there – _let him siphon some of the mud around the duct to make it bigger, no more than a couple of inches around – _and get the hell out of there as fast as you can, understand," he ordered directly without question.

_Derek nodded in assent, but Owen was in a zone of his own making now as he saw the scene unfold before his eyes, keeping his hands on the rough, weathered rope, watching now as Derek and Wayan utilized the pulley to ease themselves down to the levee and the duct. The three farmers watched in awe as Derek and Wayan floated closer and closer now._

_They could do this, Owen thought as he watched with a careful eye … they could all do this together and come out of it fine – Meredith popped into his head, Ketut took up residence too – but he let his dear friends go for now, all the while believing with his heavy heart … chanting now …_

_Derek was strong enough for this … and so was Wayan … and so was he … for they were linked for now and forever._

Derek kept his hands on the taut rope _– keeping an eye on the sharp point of the boy's conical hat as he lowered himself down into the well toward the duct_ – he handed the stick to Wayan. The boy looked up one last time and muttered something indistinct to the three farmers; one knelt down and pointed inside the well with his finger, directing Wayan to the right side of the small area.

The boy looked up to Derek one last time, his soft brown eyes etched with serenity, they held no fear _– he was fearless_ – as he began to push the stick in and out of the small duct, back and forth he went. Derek felt the bough of the tree weaken, but he only tightened his hold on the rope in response, yanking upward as he did. Despite the language barrier, he felt compelled to speak to the child.

"Take your time," he whispered. "Take all the time you need, you're doing great," he cooed with encouragement, his voice just loud enough to reach Wayan over the pummel of the rain. The boy nodded as Derek watched the point of his hat move up and down.

_Derek looked up to find Owen – his arms straining along the rope, his neck muscles, angry – the tree branch above him bending from their collective weight. He could hear the men behind him now, saying the same indistinct words over and over again to the boy ... perhaps encouraging him to hallow the area … a little more, more, more … God only knew what it all meant!_

_With that in mind, Derek focused again, counting now as Wayan tossed small handfuls of mud over his shoulder – one, two, three, toss, one two, three toss – he chanted this mantra over and over, no different than the farmers with their prayer._

_The rain was as endless as the moment it seemed – it had thoroughly saturated everything now – Derek kept his eyes trained on the farmers feet for a moment, watching them sink deeper and deeper into the thick soil as time ticked on._

_Intellectually, he knew they had only been down here a few minutes, he also knew Wayan was close to finished as he'd detected a change in the farmers' tone – but it felt endless, the moment, the chain, the link – how would it survive?_

_Suddenly, Derek heard the bough creak above him and he looked up to find the tree was leaning dangerously low to the ground now! So low that Wayan could probably stand inside the small well – but not safely enough – for if he did, he would surely be swallowed up … whole. _ _Derek focused again, he could see Owen's wide eyes straining to find them through the cloud made from mud and rain._

"HE ONLY HAS A MINUTE!" Owen called down to Derek, breaking through the vacuum of sound from the rain. He could feel the tree's roots giving way to the weight hanging from it – _the soil too soft now to maintain their hold_ – the old branches pressed against his back without discrimination now! He watched Derek's eyes grow wide with confusion. The farmers scattered to safety in all directions just beyond Derek and Wayan. "THE TREE!" he called out into the storm between them. "IT'S UPROOTING!" he shrilled, his words hanging in the thick air all around them – _suspended in time, much like the players_ – he watched Derek nod in response.

Owen watched for a beat longer before he saw the boy scramble back up and into Derek's arms – _safe and sound for now_ – the farmers, Derek and Wayan all breathed a sigh of relief before Derek looked up again. Owen held the rope taught, still supporting the weight of some of the old tree against his lower back and hips. He rocked back into it and tugged on the rope wordlessly ordering Derek to move up the line.

And there was the problem … Derek and Wayan needed the leverage of the tree to work their way back up – _the mud was so slick and thick_ – there was no way around it – _something or someone was going to have to give_ – they needed something to hold on to, especially because they were still tied to the rope – _linked hopelessly now with a man who couldn't pull them_ – a man who was doing his damndest to keep the tree from crushing them all!

"WE CAN UNTIE HIM!" Derek shouted; it was their only hope. If he somehow could untie Wayan – _release him from the chain_ – he could push him aside first and then get out of the way of the falling tree himself.

_Derek felt his muscles flex and strain against the mud – tearing and ripping tendons as he went – he tried to hold Wayan with one hand pressed against the boy's back in an effort to alleviate some of the pressure for him and to offer some form of silent encouragement._

_Meredith, baby …_

_He could only imagine what this was doing to the small boy's nerves and muscles. His heart clenched with worry. The boy reacted and took a couple of painful steps up to the ridge._

_Meredith, baby…_

_Derek made eye contact with Owen again, his eyes red rimmed with stress – but they __were__ closer – somehow they were a few steps closer!_

_Meredith, baby, Meredith …_

_At the same time though, the tree was definitely uprooted now and the bough they were tied to was almost resting on Owen's right shoulder as he leaned down and into the strain of the weight on the rope below him, effectively pinned between that and the weight of the tree above him!_

_Meredith, Meredith, Meredith … sweet baby …_

Owen watched the scene unfold in front of him – _he was helpless _– he had no choice but to surrender to his fate – _his destiny_ – whatever that would hold. How could he lose them when there was so much to gain?

_Surrender …_

The rope slipped from his grasp, tearing the new blisters along his palm as it went. The smell of his fresh blood permeated the air right in front of his face, it mixed with the earth and the salt – _it was organic, __he__ was organic_ – part of the scene, not just on autopilot unwilling to surrender … for he was finally an active participant.

_Surrender … only he can …_

He looked into Derek's bright blue eyes and in them he saw any of the number of friends he had lost, he saw and remembered all those he was unable to save – _except that for some reason, he still had hope _– because it was a two-way street between he and Derek … a _'give and take'_ that was somehow new.

_Surrender … only he must …_

Owen watched now as Derek coached Wayan – _guiding him up, protecting, coveting him like he was his own_ – something he realized he was also destined to do – _for they were his family, they were suddenly his people_ – Ketut's words ringing throughout his new lucid mind now … for Owen was finally linked – _physically, emotionally and spiritually_ – by the ties that bound them together.

"_Surrender," she had said. "Surrender and ask those around you not to," she had advised softly, clearly._

"DO NOT SURRENDER!" Owen boomed all of a sudden. "I HAVE YOU BOTH!" he called out into the black night all around them.

_Adrenaline pumped furiously now with no sign of letting up – Owen could have imploded from the pressure on his nerves, but he would never allow that to happen – never!_

_He couldn't let himself down – let alone Meredith and Ketut and a whole fucking village – he couldn't and he wouldn't because all this finally meant something to __him__ – for he had let himself become attached for the first time in years – and because of that attachment he believed he was right where he was meant to be …_

_In the here and now …_

_On an island in the middle of the ocean …_

_With a tree tearing him in half …_

_Fiercely protecting his family and friends …_

_Because he wanted to …_

_Because they would do it for him …_

_Because he had become his own paradox …_

_Because he had surrendered … and …_

_Because they had not …_

_Because they were linked – the sign from Ketut was there – living and breathing in all three of them now in the revelation of a hand-to-hand link … a true band of brothers as Derek held Wayan's hand, while Owen grasped Derek's forearm._

"OWEN!" came Meredith's shrill, permeating the thick sound barrier of his mind.

And with that breakthrough, Owen felt Meredith's soothing hand on his neck and she struggled to gently move a piece of branch from his skin. He felt another pair of hands – _Ketut's, warmth radiating now_ – as she removed a piece of branch from his ribcage. He finally took a deep breath of the earthy, salty air.

"DEREK!" Meredith screamed down to him in a voice she barely recognized.

_Her breathing hitched, her call wild and animalistic – yet she was not desperate …_

_She was strong and powerful …_

_She was a mother, she was a lover, she was his everything and he was still hers …_

_And then there was her boy … her savior – Wayan, Wayan, Wayan – her heart went nuts with a flutter of new power and…_

_Suddenly all she could see was their link, their lifeline – an umbilical cord – as adrenaline coursed through her body, all the while she visualized their safe escape from tragedy. _

"WAYAN!" she called out, her shrill for her boy was deafening to any ear in proximity …_where was his mother? Could she fulfill his needs for now?_

_Owen's heart constricted hard as he met Meredith's wild eyes for a beat before he pulled up on Derek's arm once more. He saw Derek's eyes acquire focus and light when he met Meredith's gaze– just one look from his woman could do that for him – like no other before her._

_With adrenaline pulsing in between them now – fueling each other – Owen watched Derek lean in and hoist Wayan up and over the lip of the ridge, just close enough for Meredith and Ketut to grab a hold of him._

_At the same time Owen let the tree come down on him just a little bit more, releasing his second hand, he pulled Derek up to the ridge now– both men suspended, nearly trapped under the heavy branches of the fallen tree – as they rolled out from underneath it before it collapsed next to them with a large cracking report, a sound that finally broke through the wind and rain of the perfect storm._

Ketut held Meredith and Wayan in her capable arms and a sweet smile of serenity covered her face. They were linked, all missing pieces for one another in some shape or form – _a flock of birds_ – a family of friends in need …

_She held Wayan …_

_Who pressed himself against Meredith …_

_Whose hand was tucked safely into Derek's …_

_Who was attached to Wayan via a rope around his middle …_

_Who was pulled to safety by the man who finally surrendered …_

_All the pieces were present, the links, the puzzle was complete and aside from the tree, the mudslide had been averted, the perfect storm would not win this battle._

Ketut watched Owen – _the perpetual giver_ – lay back against the muddy earth, allowing the rain to fall on him like holy water _– a baptism for his rebirth –_ his chest heaved; his clothing blood-soaked from his wounds, his scars of souvenirs. His strong, handsome facial muscles finally relaxed … he looked like he was asleep but she knew better.

Meredith moved first, gently extricating herself from the safety of Ketut's damp warmth. Wayan stood up carefully and Meredith knelt before him, her knees sinking into the soft earth. She caressed his handsome face and smiled weakly. Her fingers danced along his hairline. She held his hands up and checked his fingers. She pressed tiny kisses to his bruised palms and tears stung her eyes – _thousands of bees now, gathering, pricking her eyes akin to a honeycomb_ – the pain easing up as the boy relaxed into her maternal touch. _Yes, she was enough for now._ Meredith caught Ketut's eyes with hers for a beat and the women smiled at each other.

Derek knelt on his knees too, moving the conical hat from Wayan's head before he began to move his hands over the boy's skull, checking him, making sure of him – _eye level with the child now_ – he smiled and his eyes danced, only then did Wayan smile too. Derek pressed his lips together and there again Wayan did the same.

"Derek," Meredith whispered, he voice cracking with emotion. Her long fingers carefully moving along Wayan's small body. "Check his belly, get that lasso off," she said softly, harboring a deep desire to free the boy from his obligations, to protect him, to love him.

Derek did as she asked; pulling the lasso down to Wayan's feet so he could step from it. He placed the conical hat atop Wayan's head once again before he raised the boy's jacket and ran his hands along his belly, knowing they would check him more thoroughly once they were out of the storm.

"He's okay, Meredith," Derek whispered, catching her eyes with his – _'I love you'_ – he chanted without words, Meredith smiled as he brought the boy to rest on his chest. Meredith rested her head on Derek's shoulder. "He's okay," he sighed – _clinging to his lover, his lifeline_ – breathing in her in, finding her sweet elixir amongst all other scents now as he pressed it into his lungs for safekeeping, for always.

Owen opened his eyes and sat up slowly, crossing his legs under him, he pressed his fingers into the earth on either side of his hips to ground himself –_ as he took in the scene, further surrendering to the moment_ – watching with interest now as the couple, _his friends_ continued to check – _their boy, their 'child'_, _their pride and joy_ – for any and all possible injuries … physical, mental, spiritual or otherwise.

"You win, Ketut," Owen muttered, his voice subdued, quiet; reflective – _so soft it was carried out in the wind_ – the light rain pummeling down on his words as they drifted away with the balance of the storm.

_Meredith cradled Wayan in her arms as she listened to the conversation. She leaned into Derek's heat and he leaned into hers. She looked up and found his eyes. He pressed his mouth over her, brushing her lips with his, melting once again into the safe-haven of their bubble, their energy. They were one again; they were whole and healed in large part because of Owen's bond and attachment with them. Meredith smiled as she heard Ketut's voice._

"I win?" she mused with a wry grin.

"Yes … I give up," Owen sparred lightly with an air of drama, his wet eyes dancing under the lighter rain.

"No," she stated firmly, pushing back.

"No?" he countered.

"You … surrendered," she smiled widely.

"I did," he breathed.

"Then _you_ win my friend," she sighed. "You win," she repeated.

"Hmm, I think I did," he finally acquiesced with a small easy smile.

_And as his eyes once again roamed over the small 'family' – his family, his friends and their boy – Owen Hunt realized something far more important than the links of the chain and the ties that bound him to these people and to this island._

_He realized what his missing piece was – it wasn't necessarily a physical home or a place to call home – as much as it was __someone__ to come home to._

**Chapter 16 – Blackbird – Part 3 of 3 to follow.**


	39. Chapter 16, Blackbird, Part 3 of 3

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al. **

**Author's Note: To say I am rather discouraged in posting this story here is an understatement. The mudslide is a critical piece for this story and I'm surprised it did not garner more comments from the hundreds of ppl reading … so … if you like this story, please let me know, it kind of hurts in a weird way to not hear from you all. **

**###  
**

_**So for those of you who are interested …**_

_**The blackbird is everyone, IMO … although when I planned this part of the story … it centralized largely around two specific blackbirds and no, those blackbirds are not Meredith and Derek … for they're already in flight, aren't they?**_

_**But, I digress … yes, all of the players are the blackbird at one point or another during these moments in CH. 16 …there are great pains for growth here … for everyone … everyone was waiting for 'this moment' (whatever that means to them), their reason, their cause for meeting each other …**_

_**The baby for her birth (did you catch Mer and Ketut's secret convo … Nyoman is the missing piece … the missing piece for Meredith … what does that mean? I'll let you guess on that one too) …**_

_**Nyoman for waiting for the moment of Nyoman's birth …**_

_**Owen for his moment, opening his sunken eyes … seeing, living, seeing is believing … he's been waiting to "see", to open his eyes … to "surrender himself, to become his own paradox" … he's been "reborn" ... did you catch his inner monologue, his "voice" in this chapter, previously excluded by design until now, until his birth ... he's the original blackbird for the piece ...**_

_**Cris for opening her eyes … for her to open her wings and fly away … to take herself back …**_

_**Mer for catching the baby (a prelude for her own birth moment) … she's already a mother of course, did you see any similarities between her and Wayan's activities ... making a small opening bigger, siphoning, stretching for life ... "like mother, like son" ...**_

_**Derek for BEING THE LINK … realizing his attachment and the idea of Wayan as a piece, a missing piece to him … "like father, like son" ...**_

_**Wayan … his wing is broken, his arm, his hand … see he links, he touches, he doesn't fix someone else or something else … he heals himself by linking himself with Derek and Owen …**_

_**Ketut for realizing her visions of the links … how all of these people were supposed to come together …**_

_**All blackbirds … all healed … or on their way … ready to fly … **_

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**_

**Chapter 16 – Blackbird – Part 3 of 3**

_After the tedious work of the night had come to a close – after all forms of damaged had been assessed – all varieties, typesets of damage…_

_Feasible damage to the minds, hearts, physical bodies and high-flying spirits of the villagers …_

_Reasonable damage made to the livelihood, sustenance, and longevity they found within their precious grain of life … rice, rice, rice …_

_After Meredith examined Wayan – one, two, three, four times – before reuniting him with his mother …_

_After she and Ketut carefully cleaned Derek and Owen's superficial scrapes and scuffs …_

_After the tree was hoisted up above the ridge by a large group of men … old ropes, grunts, spirit and fortitude all used to move the dead, waterlogged weight … _

_After reassuring each other time and time again … 'You did good,' came Derek's words, replaying over and over and over in her mind now …_

_After the storm had finally gone out to the deep sea – far and away, so far and away – disappearing well beyond the last set of breakers …_

_After …_

_Aftermath …_

_Afterwards …_

… _the trio arrived back at 'home', stepping from the confines of the small elevator and into the dimly lit hallway leading to their rooms. A collective sigh was heard and felt by the doctors. What a night! Derek and Owen silently bade good night to one another, but Meredith hung back for a moment, just a beat of hesitation as she glanced at Derek who smiled in return with a twinkle in his eyes before he wordlessly slipped into their room, leaving her alone with their dear friend._

"Owen," Meredith called after him – _her voice cracked_ – her words lingered in the small stretch of the hallway separating their rooms.

"Meredith," he answered from his spot, his back to her for a beat longer until he turned around to find her.

"I know …," she said softly. "I know I said _'thank you'_ for everything a bunch of times already," she said, walking toward him. "But it's not enough," she mused, her voice wavering as his large form shrunk away within her tears.

"Meredith," he said her name again, his chest tightened with fear … or something else. He wasn't good with this – _if he could disappear, he would_ – he wasn't the type to accept praise for something that was instinctual.

"Don't disappear on me … on us …," she smiled. "Surrender … instead," she elaborated, her giggle echoed through the hallway, finding no point of exit. Owen smiled widely. "Just go with it," she said softly, her smile still intact.

"I'll try," he replied, his voice steady and sure.

"I wanted to say something to you for a while now," she smiled. He cocked his head, his curiosity evident. "I get it," she declared. "The loner thing, the _'I don't need anyone,'_ thing," she said, her smile never fading, despite her racing heart.

"I know you do," he said with acknowledgment because _he did know_ – _he saw that when he first met Meredith Grey_ – he even had a name for it: _'her will, her way'_ …

_He saw it when she first arrived on the island …_

_He saw it through her will to survive …_

_He saw it when she announced her pregnancy …_

_He saw it when she bonded with Ketut and Wayan …_

_He saw it when she lost her mother …_

_He saw it when she came back from Australia with Derek …_

_He saw it every time she looked at him … he saw 'her will, her way' – in her capacity to understand him and to give without the expectation of receipt – and so it was wonder she turned out to be a giver, just like him._

"But it doesn't have to be that way – _I learned that recently_ – I have this … my intern pack, at home," she breathed, her heart on fire as she thought about her friends now, unwanted tears pricked her eyes. "Forgive me," she muttered, pushing her chin down. She took a deep breath of the damp air. "I'm not myself," she whispered, her hand falling to her belly, before she looked up to find Owen, still there, right where she left him. She smiled and stepped closer. "My friends and Derek … I have them and I know … I _know_ what it's like to _start _to want more – _to expect more_ – to _'give and take'_ … and …," she whispered, her voice trailing off as she looked into his eyes and came to stand right in front of him.

"And …," he prompted, a weak smile forming along his handsome face as he looked down to her.

_Meredith took a deep breath and reached up. She placed her hands over the rough stubble of his beard – cradling his face now just like his mother might have a long, long time ago – feeling the new grooves of the small cuts and scrapes and nicks scattered along his handsome angular cheeks._

"And … I just …," she sighed, tears spilled onto her cheeks. She left them there. "I just wanted to say … _welcome_ …," she breathed. "Welcome to the pack … to the family," she sighed, dropping her hands now as she hugged her friend's large unfamiliar frame tightly, patting his back just enough to let him know she meant it.

"Oh," he said, hugging her back, finding himself not at all interested in pulling out of her embrace. "Thank you," he whispered into the dark hallway, he closed his eyes for a beat.

"We'll only ever be a phone call away," Meredith mused happily, pulling back. "It's up to _you_ to figure out the time difference though," she teased.

"I'll try," he said with a smile – _it didn't hurt so much now, to smile_ – he thought with a wry grin.

"Promise?" Meredith asked, backing up a few steps.

"I promise," Owen answered, watching Meredith retreat.

_She slipped inside her room. He unlocked the door and entered the dark room. The day was done; he was … 'home' for now. He smiled – and no – it really didn't hurt as much._

###

Meredith closed the door behind her. She sighed into the empty room and slipped her muddy shoes off, leaving them next to Derek's at the door. All was quiet – _the never-ending haphazard pelt of the rain was finally gone _– and finally, finally Meredith's mind was also quiet. She pulled her poncho over her head – _it fell to the floor with a light thud _– relieved to finally shed that which had become her second-skin. She heard the shower come to life.

She smiled and walked straight into the bathroom to join her lover. She smiled again when he turned around – _he was naked, beautiful, a sight for sore eyes_ – and she watched with interest as his tired eyes brightened, the heat from his body only adding to the warm, wet air circulating around them. She melted on the inside … just a little bit, just enough.

"How is he?" Derek whispered into the private space. Taking her hands in his, suddenly realizing how quiet everything was _– his heart, his mind, his spirit_ – _everything_ was calm and peaceful now that they were alone and _'home'_ to reflect on the night's events.

"He's fine, he'll be fine," Meredith said softly, scanning his deep gateways.

"Do you want to come in or do you need to make your notes?" he asked, a small smile covered his face now, recalling how she had desperately wanted to record her memory of Nyoman's birth … to _'get it all out of her head'_ – _put pen to paper_ – and Derek couldn't say he blamed her; the simple wonder in her eyes was enough for him to know how life-altering the experience had been. He reached over and pushed a piece of hair from her brow, she leaned into his touch.

"All I need and want right now is you," she answered softly, leaning into his touch. "Help me," she whispered, tugging on the hem of her shirt.

_With that, Derek moved his hands under Meredith's top and pulled it over her head. Keeping her eyes locked within his, she reached up and pulled her hair free from her pony tail while his hands found the clasp of her bra. Once unfastened, he rested his fingertips on her shoulders and slowly moved the lacey undergarment down her arms until it floated to the floor. Tufts of hot air zoomed between them – their breathing raspy – thank God they made it to this moment in time, was all Derek could think. Meredith stood there still, letting Derek do all the work while her fingertips danced along his damp skin – caressing his new scrapes and cuts, all souvenirs of the night and their trials here – more reminders._

_Derek stepped closer – his hands on her narrow hips now – pressing a welcome kiss to her lips, moving his mouth down to her neck while he unbuttoned her jeans, slipping his hands in between her bare tush and the damp fabric of her panties. He pulled the garments down and Meredith stepped from them. She planted her lips to his again and that's where they stayed, deepening their kiss while she raised her knee and Derek reached down to pull her wet, muddy sock from her foot. Chest to breast now, they repeated this same action again – lips still fused, tongues still dancing – before pulling away from each other briefly to step into the warm shower together_.

Meredith backed up, closing her eyes as the warm water cascaded over her in sheets – _the vacuum of its tempo both welcome and inviting _– a sharp contrast to the rain storm of the last couple of days. Derek grabbed a washcloth and the shower gel, running it under the water, watching Meredith's skin turn pink with life from the heat. She sighed as Derek ran the washcloth up and down her arms to her collarbone, along her shoulders, caressing he breasts and down to her belly where he abruptly stopped. He was stuck. Meredith opened her eyes, the wash cloth fell to their feet, but his hands never left her soft flesh there.

_Fresh tears pricked Derek's eyes and in an instant he couldn't see straight – an unrecognizable sound escaped from his tight lips – his chest clenched. God it hurt – his heart was on fire, lack of oxygen scorched his blood cells – yes, all of a sudden Derek Shepherd was stuck … just stuck somewhere between agony and relief._

_He felt dizzy, consumed with guilt and worry, finally letting his guard down after maintaining a myriad of cataclysmic thoughts in his mind ever since he and Wayan descended into that hole in the earth. He closed his eyes and was lost for a beat, suspended in midair, hovering over Wayan again – swaying on his feet, every inch of his body hurt, his raging angry muscles a constant reminder for him now – until he felt Meredith's healing hands flank his skull._

_She stepped closer, his hands found the radiating warmth of her growing belly, he rubbed circles around her warm, wet flesh – connecting with their little one – the humid air and water moved between them, cloaking them, protecting them._

"We're okay," Meredith soothed, brushing her sweet lips over his as he trembled in her arms. "You're okay," she added softly, moving into his embrace – _her heart rocked inside her chest, she ached with love for this man, this new father … her everything_ – and in that moment _'home'_ was the only word that came to mind.

_She was home._

_He was home._

_They were home._

"I'm so sorry," he whispered, his chest on fire … still.

"I know," she held on tight, unwilling to let go … ever.

"When I close my eyes, all I see is what could have happened …," he confessed, his voice lodged somewhere between his chest and his throat. "Wayan … what if …," he whispered.

"We're all okay though," Meredith hushed – _kissing his lips, his cheeks, his neck_ – moving closer and closer now, desperate to connect. "You said yourself … Ketut's words, her visions … everything fell into place," she said and felt his arms move low around her back.

"I did," he breathed into her neck, her sweet elixir, calming him once again. "I let it happen though, I put us down there …," he sighed.

"You surrendered," Meredith said into his chest, pressing a kiss over his raging heart muscle.

"Yes," he replied, he did … he let it go and even though he knew what they did was dangerous, he felt certain he could see the other side of it – _but not until he let himself do so, not until he accepted the idea_ – and then Wayan showed up. "I love you," he whispered. "So much …,"

"And I love you," Meredith answered.

_The lovers held each other in the moment then before finishing their shower – allowing their second-skin of earth and salt and wind and soil and debris – to circle the drain beneath their feet. Shampoo and soap would come soon and cleanse them, wash them, renew them. Yes, the storm had passed, and so there they stood, finally letting go – finally connecting after their paths diverged – thankful to be reunited once again in triplicate: mind, body and spirit._

###

Meredith pulled her towel from atop her head and wrapped it around her chest. She ran her fingers through her damp tresses, clicked the light off and emerged from the bathroom to the bedroom. Derek was already in bed – _lying on his back, eyes on the ceiling above him_ – she smiled as he turned his head toward her. She took in his tired eyes, the experiences of the night having already added a new layer to the depths of his soul-filled gateways. She smiled, keeping her eyes trained on his, she bypassed her side of the bed in favor of moving around to his side – _Derek watched her like a hawk now, rolling onto his hip_ – raising his brow in mock-surprise as she came to stand in front of him. He smiled like the devil and lifted the thin sheet over his hip, revealing his naked body. Meredith wordlessly pulled on the knot of her towel and let it fall to the floor before she turned the bedside light off.

_Her heart fluttered, melting on the inside as she climbed into the bed and snuggled into Derek's warmth, resting her head on his pillow, raising her thigh over his hips – his gentle hands roaming all over flesh and nerves and bones and hers all over his – without hesitation for now and forever, kissing, touching, loving and playing._

_Derek ducked down and kissed her then – his lover, his lifeline and so much more – wasting no time before he deepened their kiss – craving her like never before – inviting her in, drawing her closer and closer until there was no space between them, touching, caressing, loving – mouths open – hearts open even wider._

Meredith pulled away slightly, her chest heaving, her breathing labored, her skin on fire with heat. "You taste like the salt of the earth," she muttered into the damp heat of his mouth.

"Hmm," he moaned. "Not for long," he teased suggestively, watching Meredith's head fly back as her infectious giggle filled their quiet room.

_He took the opportunity to attack her neck in earnest, nipping at her supple skin as he left a trail of wet kisses in his wake. Meredith's hands found his skull, she pushed him south and he opened his eyes to find hers, her face already flushed, her want and need … evident. Closing his eyes, Derek kissed her shoulder again, soft and quick as his fingertips effortlessly danced along her breasts and nipples. He felt her pleasure points harden under his lithe touch – his cock twitched in response – down boy, he thought with a grin._

Meredith felt Derek's cock wake up – _bobbing for entry against her groin next to her mound now_ – as she swept her hand down and brushed her fingernails up and down his hardening shaft – _his skin, so velvety smooth, his muscle so hard and desirous_ – she could cum just thinking about him inside of her. Meredith felt Derek raise himself up – _she opened her eyes and looked up to find him_ – he looked beautiful, his face was flushed, his eyes wide awake now. He lowered himself between Meredith's legs, his torso pressed against her wet pussy.

"I need us," she sighed, taking his skull in her hands. "I feel selfish for wanting you …," she kissed his shoulder. "I know your nerves must be shot …," she murmured tenderly. "But, I just want …," her voice was lost when she closed her eyes on her swirling thoughts.

_I want us …you and me …_

_I want us … for now and forever …_

_I want …us … just us …_

"Us …," Derek whispered, wiping her wet cheeks with his thumbs. Meredith opened her eyes. "Sounds perfect," he said, raising her hands over her head, playfully pinning her down before he pressed his lips to hers. "I need us too," he sighed into the damp heat of her mouth, _his heart soaring with love for her, her sweet tongue running along his … he was so in love, so in love._ "Slow and easy," he said softly, sucking on her fleshy earlobe now, Meredith's sigh hung in the air, her body moving beneath him. "Nice and deep," he growled into her neck, his cock twitching as he ducked down and pressed his lips over her engorged nipple, plucking it gently between his lips.

"Slow …," Meredith cooed, arching her back as Derek's damp hair tickled her neck and chest. "Easy … nice," she moaned, his lips planted on her nipples now – _nipping, sucking, feasting_ – Meredith sighed, she was lost already. "Deep …," she said thickly as she clasped her legs around his lower back and she pressed her heals down, her pussy pulsing now.

_Derek released Meredith's hands and pulled out of their heat. Her hands immediately went for his steel cock – God, what a fucking turn on – hmm, just thinking about his muscle inside of her made her want to cum. She found his eyes as he hovered above her, the head of his rod gently bobbing against the door of her slick folds. He raised a brow as she swept his muscle back and forth – hmm, so good – and moaned again as she guided his sensitive head through her gate, brushing it over her pulsing clit – hmm, skin on skin – it was truly divine._

"Us …," Derek muttered lost within her already, her sweet nectar funneled up from her pussy, intoxicating him once more. "Now …," he groaned, taking one last look at her beautiful flushed face before he closed his eyes in bliss, letting her take charge now as she slowly guided his cock into her endless depths – _massaging his rod with her elixir as she went_ – brushing her fingers against her clit – _rub, rub, rub_ – opening her legs wide to accept him.

_Her breathless sigh told him she was complete. Her plump slick pussy was enough to know she wanted him and that she was ready and waiting for him. He opened his eyes and found hers sparkling in the dark, wet and full of emotion – a reflection of his own – and only then did his heart give out, raging inside his chest now._

_She was so beautiful – he scanned her eyes with his – realizing once again that the events of the night had changed her, somehow adding new depth to his lover. She held his cock deep inside her with tenacity now – suspended in time together – waiting for the world to stop. Everything was still and quiet, except for their hearts. The energy of them was everywhere, collapsing down all around them, covering them, protecting them … the lone survivors of the perfect storm._

_And yes … all that was left was his love, his lifeline, his everything – and the feeling of her beautiful, delicate muscles holding him in place – exactly where he should be for now and for all time. They were linked once again – connected, fused, bonded, their chain intact – now stronger than ever before. _

"Us …," Meredith sighed, unable to move her eyes from Derek's endless gateways as she took everything he had, swallowing him whole – _making him disappear inside their cherished moment of connectivity_ – just as she … _disappeared willingly._

_Derek watched Meredith's eyes close with bliss as she rocked her hips up and back to allow for deeper penetration. And although he wordlessly answered her command by leaning up and over her just little more, he also wondered how much longer they should make love so deep – the baby on his mind now – Meredith's precious cervix … there would be no compromise he thought now as he began to make tiny pulses in and out of her depths, more gently than he normally would._

_Her lips found his and there they stayed, fused together as he pulsed, pulsed, pulsed into her delicious fleshy muscles, contracting around him now – it wouldn't take much, this he knew, they both knew – after the night they had, climaxes would come quickly, for emotions were running high and the body's own need for release was imminent for both of them … whether they wanted to or not, they would surely cum hard and fast._

"Meredith," Derek whispered, his voice warbled with passion, her eyes flew open. "Surrender …," he husked, their noses brushing against one another's now as he – _pulsed, pulsed, pulsed_ – reaching down, he slipped his fingers in between them and smothered her fat clit with his thumb.

_Meredith bucked her hips up and back before she released her legs and pressed her feet against the mattress, the pressure against her clit only fueled her internal fire even more … igniting her need to surrender to blissful oblivion. She forced her eyes to stay wide open, like her hips and pussy now, drawing him in – deeper, deeper, deeper – surrendering with everything she had now as the tempo of Derek's tiny pulses became faster and faster … lovers fighting to stay afloat._

"Derek," she sighed, her hands finding his skull, her eyes never leaving his. "Surrender … into me," she whispered so softly.

_So quietly she could barely hear herself over her raging love for him – realizing now that her heart and soul had given in (had surrendered) to Derek a long, long time ago – and that every time they made love, every single time – their coming together forced her to the brink of surrendering all over again. She loved him so deeply – he was it for her – their perfect harmonious love for one another was always there …and having already surrendered to their feelings, there was nothing left to do but to live within one another._

"I love you," he whispered before he pulsed down and into her hard and quick one last time, flanking her clit between two fingers now as she bucked her hips up and back in response to his dual assault on her senses.

_The waves crashed at the shore as the lovers came hard, surrendering into one another, yet again, just as their destiny called for them to do …_

_The perfect storm had indeed floated out to sea … and gone went the wind and the rain and the mud …_

_The lovers were nothing but pieces of debris … pieces of one another …_

_Scraps of themselves – hearts, souls, minds, bodies – floating, floating, floating now …_

_Having long-since surrendered into the deep sea of blissful oblivion …_

_Whispering terms of endearment and adoration now, allowing those sentiments to wash over them, to hear them, to live them and to own them …_

_For they had come home to one another, yet again …_

_Buoys, lifelines for each other … for now and for all time …_

###

Derek opened his eyes long after the lovers had disappeared into the deep blue sea of bliss – _suddenly time was of no consequence, for they were lost … and then found … found within each other's arms, drifting in and out of consciousness still_ – still wrapped around one another – _his arms around her, his fingertips dancing along the smooth skin of her back, her legs woven through his, her ear over his heart, her hot breath breezing along his bare chest_ – there they held each other, still coveting and protecting … and loving.

"Meredith," he whispered into the darkness above them, coaxing her from sleep. "Tell me about it," his voice, soft and steady. She moved under his touch. "What was it like to catch Nyoman?" he asked and her head popped up.

"Oh, Derek," she sighed, resting her chin over her hand on his chest. She smiled just thinking about it all again while she stared at her lover, her man, her partner in parenthood … already such an amazing father.

_She shook her head, tears of joy pricked her eyes and fractional images shuttered through her mind, still shots – Nyoman's beauty, power, strength and serenity, her absolute surrender to the moment, the baby's perfect crown, hard and fast contractions, the body's own determination, the feeling of the baby's birth weight in her hands as she caught her, Nyoman's strong wail of objection, her quick survival, her tenacity for the nipple – damn … there was nothing else like it._

As Derek watched Meredith replay the experience in her mind's eye as she formulated her words, he was quite sure he never saw her look more beautiful – _there was a flash, a wave, a tidal wave_ – of emotion that coursed through her whole being – _it was a look he'd never seen before_ – one of awe and amazement, one that even an advanced surgical procedure couldn't compete with. _He smiled, God, he was so in love with her. So in love._

"It was … _beautiful_," she said breathlessly. "Maybe the single most amazing moment in my life … _for now_," she sighed, smiling like an innocent teenage girl who'd been kissed for the first time – _which she'd __never__ been_ – but was how she felt right now … _wide-eyed_, residing within a of space of time that hadn't existed for her … _until now._

Derek smiled, pressing his lips together. Tears gathered, just from watching her. "Oh, Meredith …," he sighed, but was truly at a loss for words.

"What?" she prompted, her cheeks heating again, she leaned up and pressed her lips to his, breathing him in, connecting.

"It's just …," he sighed, reaching up for her skull. He smiled brightly. "You should see yourself right now," he muttered, beaming with awe and pride and wonder.

She smiled also, leaning onto her side now; she moved her knee up to rest over his thighs. "What do I look like?" she asked, quite aware that she must look different, hoping to God that she did.

Derek moved his fingers down through the valley of her breasts before he rested his hand low over her belly right above her mound. "You look like … you've seen a miracle – _your cheeks are rosy, your skin is glowing even in the dark, your eyes are sparkling with magic like Ketut's_ – you're still _you_ … only …," his voice trailed off as a wave of unexpected emotion stopped his heart cold.

_Simply put: there were not enough words to describe this new echelon of Meredith's innate beauty, for what this experience with Ketut had brought to her was truly indescribable._

"Derek?" Meredith prompted, moving closer now she pinned her right elbow over his shoulder and raised her knee higher across his thighs, brushing along his cock as she did. She moved his wild hair from his brow with her free hand, just her fingertips dancing along the handsome lines of his face now. "Tell me more," she requested with a smile.

"You're a mother – _you're strong and powerful, I saw it when we were on the ridge tonight too_ – you amaze me …," he chuckled. "There isn't a moment that goes by … I love you, I'm proud of you …,' he rambled on breathlessly.

"There aren't enough words … I'm proud of you and I love you too," Meredith whispered – _I love you, I love you _– she chanted over and over, feeling the tears gather in her eyes before Derek enveloped her in a long, strong hug.

_Pulling her over him, she straddled his torso, her heavier breasts dropping against his chest – her nipples cutting across his – her knees pressing against his ribs, holding him tight. Her mouth on his neck and his on hers – both breathing in and out now – the unique scent of their lovemaking serving as a powerful reminder of their bond as it stuck to their skin and permeated the air all around them. Derek felt Meredith's warm tears drop along the crease of his neck and down the back of his shoulder. He held her tighter, feeling her tremble slightly now as he tried to absorb her emotions._

"What's on your mind?" he asked. Meredith turned her head; her hot breath tickled his ear – _hot, cold, hot cold_ – as she paused for a beat.

"I can't believe Ketut won't be catching our baby …," she confessed quietly into his neck, more tears fell and her heart ached.

"Hey, hey," Derek soothed, reached up, he took Meredith's skull in his hands and he raised her head to find her eyes. "No one says we have to leave …," he smiled. "We're in charge here … it's _our_ destiny, _our_ fate … _ours_," he reminded her gently, before she leaned down and kissed his lips.

"It is," Meredith agreed. "I know that … and as much as I want to disappear into a life here with you – _as much as I want to stay_ – I think we need to go home too," she breathed.

"Cristina's wedding …," he prompted.

"Yes and the cabin and your job and my job … I don't know," she sighed, her heart raced just thinking about all the changes to come.

"Okay," Derek shrugged, deciding to take the lead from her. He didn't want to sway her … _he'd make it work no matter what she wanted to do._

"Okay … what?" she asked, an air of _'frustrated Meredith'_ coming through now. He smiled.

"_Okay _… I'll be wherever you want to be," he sighed, moving her long hair away from her face. "Look … this baby will have only one _birth_ _day_ and I want what you want," he said with a smile.

"Okay," she replied with a smile of her own, feeling relieved to have said something, it was enough for now.

_She dropped kisses along Derek's neck and moved down to his chest before she lay her head down over his heart muscle once again. He reached down and pulled the light sheet up and over her – covering them, preserving their damp heat – she sighed and felt her eyes grow heavy with exhaustion, his warm hands rested on her hips now._

"Derek," she said softly.

"_Hmm,"_ came his soft moan.

"Will you ask me again before we have to leave?" she asked. "After Ubud," she directed softly before she surrendered to her body's wishes and let the vast darkness of sleep come for her.

"_After Ubud, okay,"_ he answered right before he also surrendered to his body's wishes and let the vast darkness of sleep come for him.

###

Much later into the night Derek awoke instinctually seeking Meredith's heat. Somewhere in the deep fog of his over-tired mind, he heard her melodic voice, no – _two voices_ – and only then did he open his eyes. _Cristina._ He allowed his eyes to adjust to the dim light in the room and glanced at the clock – _3:52 AM_ – almost noon the previous day in Seattle.

Without much thought, Derek slipped from the bed – _the cooler air assaulted his naked skin, effectively waking him up_ – as he padded across the room toward the small triangle of light coming from the bathroom. He pushed on the door and melted a little bit when he saw Meredith – _she was also naked, sitting on the lid of the toilet, her cashmere blanket draped along her narrow shoulders, her hair pulled into a messy ponytail_ – while she counseled her friend, speaking into cell phone perched along the edge of the porcelain tub next to her foot, her larger breasts falling free now as she leaned over and painted her last toenail a bright and sexy red.

She looked up and found him there – _mouthing 'sorry' with a shrug to her shoulders as Cristina rambled on and on_ – Meredith's mouth in a slight frown now before Derek entered the space and bent down beside her. He pressed a warm kiss to her forehead, her free hand flew up and she held him there, breathing him in for a beat as she did. He pulled away and smiled, the twinkle in her eyes had returned. He kept his eyes on her as he backed out of the small room to give her some privacy once again.

_He slipped back into bed – taking in the subdued silence – suddenly no different than being inside the trailer after a storm in Seattle. He watched the small shadows dance along the walls for a moment – realizing the moon must be shining, which also must mean the sky above them was finally clear – the cloud cover was gone, the storm was gone … but their link … their chain remained … the rice remained and everyone in their extended family was right where they should be. And maybe they were too._

Derek meant what he said earlier – _if Meredith wanted to stay on Bali and wait for the baby_ – they would. It was possible – _they could fly to Darwin once a month to see Peter and Larissa and make arrangements for any other tests or check-ups Meredith and the baby would need_ – because if Derek learned anything from this experience … it was that anything is possible.

_So in the end he would do whatever she wanted because she now had a vision, some kind of idea of what she wanted for her own birthing moment and who was he to tell her to see something else?_

_He sighed and then scoffed was the traditionalist in him long gone?_

_Or was he just willing to lose himself to the woman he loved for the sake of finding himself later?_

He closed his eyes, Meredith's soft voice funneled into the room, he listened to her and Cristina's banter for a moment – _happy they made the world smaller_ – listening now as Cristina ranted on and on about her mother and Burke's mother and _'this wedding that's taken on a life of its own'_ and something about Izzie and cake and wanting to be at the top of the intern class after the exam … the list of complaints seemed to go on and on.

"_What would you do?" she asked Meredith pointedly._

"_Slow things down … take a step back," Meredith said softly._

"_No way!" Cristina exclaimed. "Remember operation 'be kind, rewind'?" she asked incredulously. "That failed miserably, there's no way …," she sighed._

"_So what … it's now or never? That makes no sense Cristina, none," Meredith challenged._

"_Look, he can barely stand that I won't wear the ring, he'll never postpone this … this garish thing of a wedding, I told him – I said you and Shepherd and me and him – I said it and look what happened!" she exclaimed in a harsh whisper, her voice rising in crescendo as she spoke._

_Meredith sighed. "Cristina. Are you happy?" she asked._

"_At the moment, no," she acquiesced. "The exam, the wedding I don't want … I can't barely see beyond it all," she sighed in defeat._

"_But you do see the future, right?" Meredith asked. "I mean with all that aside … will you be happy, after you make those concessions – will you be happy coming home to Burke – if you close your eyes … can you see it?" she persisted gently._

"_See what? I can't, I'm losing myself … see what …,"she muttered._

"_Domestic bliss …," Meredith answered. "Harmony," she elaborated._

_Cristina's laugh leaked out from the bathroom along with the small triangle of light. "Okay – besides being pregnant and high on mango-flavored sex – what the hell happened to you?"she cackled._

"_I'm serious, c'mon," Meredith giggled._

"_So am I," Cristina scoffed._

"_Do you love him?" Meredith asked quietly._

"_Yes," Cristina sighed with frustration. "So now what – I just give myself up – lose myself because I love him?" she countered._

"_If you're ready, if you think he'd lose himself in you – ask him to slow down for you, tell him you aren't happy," she counseled. "Don't just wave him away and say it doesn't matter to you when it does – then you're just avoiding and trust me, I know all about avoiding …," Meredith breathed. "Plus remember he loves you too," she offered. _

"_He does … I mean he asked me, so he must … so now what …," Cristina faltered over her words, insecurity creeping in._

"_You make it work – you find a way to love him and keep yourself too – it's a balance –"_

"_And how do I find that balance, no one can have everything!" she exclaimed._

"_Then you have to redefine 'everything' – if you love him, give in … just enough, on your terms – when you're ready," Meredith offered._

"_You mean surrender?" Cristina admonished._

"_Yes," Meredith sighed with a chuckle. "When you're ready," she reinforced._

Derek smiled, listening to the girlfriends, happier than hell that Meredith figured out what to say to her person – _even though he wasn't sure of Cristina's willingness to surrender to her love for Burke and vice-versa_ – but like he told Meredith earlier, he was on her side and knowing that she been worried about Cristina and has felt a bit helpless being so far away, he couldn't help but to feel happy that at least she spoke with her friend and they hashed it out, _for now_.

He closed his eyes then and let his mind move around their conversation as he connected the dots in his head once more – _he smiled and rolled over_ – hearing their muffled laughter over something about Alex and Izzie _'feeding their beasts'_, whatever that meant. Knowing Meredith would rest easier now until they went home was enough for Derek – _if they chose to even go home, remembering again how all he wanted was Seattle, when in reality all he really needed was Meredith_ – he smiled on the thought and relaxed deeper into the welcome sound of their sophomoric laughter.

_And with that he felt his body succumb once again to the trials of the night and all of the awe and fear that went along with them – for they had survived, they came 'home' to one another – and in some small way Derek realized Owen was right … home was where the heart was and cabin or no cabin – right now he was on an island far, far away with Meredith and that was enough – she would always be … enough._

_This was his last cognitive thought as his heart rate rested and his eyelids became as heavy as the doors to an armored car. And in that moment, the world stopped and Derek finally slipped under – further surrendering to that deep darkness of sleep – while he waited for his lover's return to his embrace._

**Chapter 17 to follow.**


	40. Chapter 17, Lucky, Part 1 of 4

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al. **

**Author's Note: ****Enjoy this chapter, in my opinion it was one of my fave's out of all 20 chapters of the story ... and Jason Mraz, well, he's nothing short of a genius and this song, "Lucky", with Colbie Caillat … it's pure magic and oh so perfectly matched for this story. **

**This chapter spans over Meredith and Derek's week up in Ubud, think of it like a mini stand-alone fic. ENJOY!**

**Chapter 17 – Lucky**

Do you hear me,  
I'm talking to you  
Across the water across the deep blue ocean  
Under the open sky oh my, baby I'm trying  
Boy I hear you in my dreams  
I feel your whisper across the sea  
I keep you with me in my heart  
You make it easier when life gets hard

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend  
Lucky to have been where I have been  
Lucky to be coming home again

They don't know how long it takes  
Waiting for a love like this  
Every time we say goodbye  
I wish we had one more kiss  
I'll wait for you I promise you, I will

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend  
Lucky to have been where I have been  
Lucky to be coming home again  
I'm lucky we're in love in every way  
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed  
Lucky to be coming home someday

And so I'm sailing through the sea  
To an island where we'll meet  
You'll hear the music, feel the air  
I'll put a flower in your hair  
Though the breezes through trees  
Move so pretty you're all I see  
As the world keeps spinning round  
You hold me right here right now

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend  
Lucky to have been where I have been  
Lucky to be coming home again  
I'm lucky we're in love in every way  
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed  
Lucky to be coming home someday

Ooohh ooooh oooh oooh ooh ooh ooh ooh  
Ooooh ooooh oooh oooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

###

**Chapter 17 – Lucky – Part 1 of 4**

Meredith closed her eyes and let the thick, sweet breeze stick to her skin as Derek navigated the _brandnameless car_ through the ancient streets – _they had an early start, an early breakfast with Owen_ – and now with one of their goodbyes behind them, she could relax once again _– slow down, slow down_ – she chanted silently in an effort to calm her heart now.

_Hello, Owen Hunt._

_Goodbye, dear friend._

She took a deep breath of the humid air – _no longer a nuisance, but commonplace_ – and pressed her weary nerves into the old seat cushion. She allowed herself to escape from the moment, to temporarily lose herself, the car ride like so many others she took whilst on the island _– the start of a new adventure_ – the hot breeze suffusing her memories now – _a cohesive string of events woven together in undulated harmony, perfectly orchestrated with a beautiful life-altering outcome _– one that any woman would be proud of … with the best yet to come as she and Derek made their trek up to Ubud, by way of the major textile village of Gianyar. The stop in Gianyar would cost them nothing but time – _which had become a priceless commodity for the lovers_ – and admittedly, _the village was a bit out of the way_, but Meredith had this _vision_ in her head – _one that wouldn't materialize into something if she didn't made it happen_ – for a sea of woven fabrics danced in the wind of her mind almost all the time now … and she really wanted to take that vision home with her in the tangible sense.

_And if she closed her eyes tight enough, she could see the woven tapestry hanging along a simple ecru wall – maybe in the baby's nursery – for she would like nothing more than to veil their little miracle deep within the aura of this beautiful island. Yes, she had a vision – one of depth and sponsorship and history – one that she and Derek would hopefully pass on to generation after generation of Grey-Shepherds for now and for all time._

_Time …_

_Time heals all wounds …_

_Time …_

_Time well spent …_

_Time …_

_Time … nothing but precious moments …_

The wind barreled through the open windows, creating a vacuum of a moment in time, a temporary reprieve from her own mind – _the swoosh of the wind, the swaying of the branches, the rustling of the leaves filled in the gaps as they drove up, up, up_ – leaving the vast, silent ocean behind them now while Meredith chose just one of those persistent thoughts to focus on and only then did her hand fall instinctually to her belly.

And within that space of time – _that reprieve from the here and now_ – Meredith allowed herself to get lost within her children, specifically her boy, her precious Wayan – _too scared to let herself dwell on the simple fact that she would only see him one more time in the foreseeable future_ – and that it could be years before they would see him again, and that it would be hard, more than hard for both she and Derek to separate from him. She pushed the maudlin thoughts from her head now, letting them move out of her space with the salty wind, choosing instead to focus on Derek's moment with Wayan yesterday – _that cherished space in time, one she would never forget_ – as she watched Derek from afar as he truly _'became'_ her boy's father.

###

_Meredith put the last of the speculum away and stood up to find Ketut. The women smiled from ear to ear – quite a pair now as they had worked in tandem for the last several days to ready 'Meri House' – a shared vision all of their own now while Owen and Derek worked tenaciously to close the files for the Doctors Without Borders clinic. Out with the old, in with the new – the village, the island and its people had indeed survived – no longer marred by tragic beauty, for they had truly won. They all did._

_Ketut shook her head and smiled, likely reading Meredith's mind. Placing a warm, healing hand on her shoulder, she pressed down evenly – wordlessly offering peace and serenity – and Meredith took that offering without even thinking about it. Reflexively she surrendered to Ketut's aura and immediately felt centered and whole and healed – nothing was amiss – she silently coached herself, everything was as it was supposed to be. Ketut turned back to the task at hand while Meredith wandered to the front door of the clinic, craving the fresh air all of a sudden despite the healthy cross-breeze moving through the clinic._

_Meredith leaned against the door jamb – the bright blue, cloudless sky above her, the sea of villagers in front of her – school would be out soon, she sighed and pressed her lips together in a tight smile. She held onto that peaceful energy for a beat before her mind spiraled out of control, once again jumping ahead in time._

_How the hell was she going to birth this baby without Ketut?_

_Hell, she could barely stand to ponder the emotional implications of saying goodbye to her!_

_Let alone the idea of allowing someone else to catch their miracle baby!_

_She took a deep breath of the hot air and held it for a moment – relax, relax – she coached herself, all was how it should be – Ketut's reassurances told her that much – she must trust her._

_Relax, relax, she soothed herself again – rubbing her hand low around her belly, closing her eyes for a beat, trying to find peace … even though peace was everywhere on this island, for it was omnipresent here – she exhaled that deep breath and opened her eyes._

_Meredith scanned the busy street once more – peace, peace, peace – it was everywhere … and that's when she saw them: Derek and Wayan._

_They were perched upon an old stone wall across the way from the clinic – a row of large, lush palm trees protected them from the bright sun, but the shade was no match for their happy spirits … for nothing could dampen the energy of them … the entity of them, 'father and son'. Wayan's old school bag sat at their feet, a row of ruby ripe mangos lined the wall next to him – he smiled and handed one to Derek – and she watched them share a laugh, most likely at her expense. The two old souls smiled continually at one another, bright and cheerful … carefree. Meredith's heart pinched with emotion as Derek draped his arm around the boy's small frame and squeezed him closer._

"_Beautiful daddy," Ketut muttered as she came to stand next to Meredith in the doorway._

"_Yes, he is," Meredith whispered her reply, her heart once again raging with more love than she thought possible._

_Ketut backed away and left Meredith alone again. Thankful for the privacy, she watched with interest as Derek pulled his old Yankees baseball cap from his back pocket and handed it to Wayan. Her heart pinched again – his father's cap, his cherished memento of remembrance – now a gift to his 'son', one that will surely serve the same purpose: remembrance._

_Tears pricked her eyes; her beautiful vision of them became blurred until they became one unto each other. She moved her hands down to her belly and soothed the flutters she was sure she would feel if the baby was bigger – her apron strings taut now – her maternal instinct heightened yet again to another echelon of acute awareness._

_Wayan spotted her first, pointing in her direction for a beat before he waved enthusiastically. Meredith returned the gesture and watched as the boy slipped off the wall, landing on his feet, wasting no time before he charged across the street – stealthily weaving in and out of current of villagers to get to her – all the while a beaming smile could be seen from beneath his new cap. Meredith kept one eye on the boy and waved to Derek – who nodded in assent and began to gather the mangos from the edge of the wall, dropping all but one into Wayan's bag. In less than a minute Wayan crossed the last of the invisible thresholds and Meredith knelt down just outside the clinic doors now and smiled with her whole heart as her boy ran into her arms._

_And as he landed in her embrace – she was hit with the small force of his storm – and there was nothing else like it on earth, no match for the simple unconditional need that existed between them._

_Pulling back slightly, she found him perfectly safe, perfectly sound – his deep brown eyes still happy and worry-free, flecks of joy embedded now – along with a new happiness she noticed only after the mudslides had come and gone. She hugged him again – her hands found his skull and she held him there, feeling the old, soft cotton of Derek's father's cap under her fingertips – taking a deep breath of Wayan (her natural panacea), she pressed it down … cherishing him for now and for always._

_Meredith looked over Wayan's shoulder and found Derek's unwavering gaze as he approached them – his smile radiant, his blue eyes sparkling like the sun over the ocean, diamonds, Wayan's bag over his shoulder, one perfect mango in his hand – his spirit bright and full of life much like the boy she envisioned he once was a long, long time ago. She stood to greet him – her lover, her everything – basking in her maternal energy with her boy's arms around her waist and his cheek pressed against her belly. She smiled as he came to stand in front of her._

"_Hi," he said, handing the mango to her – his eyes scanned hers – he pressed his lips together. _

"_Hi," she said, unable to trust herself to say more._

_Derek leaned in and kissed her lips, soft and quick before he pulled back slightly and they turned to move away from the road a little. Looking down, she found Wayan as he grabbed her hand, watching with curiosity as he slipped his other hand into Derek's – the trio linked, woven together once again in mind, body and spirit – for now and forever … whole and finally healed … yes, everyone was right where they were meant to be. _

_###_

Forcing herself back to reality, she focused on the moving car, Meredith let herself become lost in the swaying movements for a beat before she took a deep breath – _salt, gardenia, jasmine, fresh earth, hibiscus_ – all funneled into her lungs as she felt small tears of _happiness and joy and love and fear and awe_ slip from her eyes and sprinkle along her cheeks. _She left them there, for she had nothing to hide, no emotion to covet, everything was shared between she and Derek now._ Her hands found her belly, right along the line where her sari met her tank top. She slipped her fingers under the tank and rested them along her bare flesh.

_Everything was as it should be … Meredith knew this of course, her journey here was almost at its closing point – she survived, he survived, the miracle of them had survived – she knew this and she needed to learn to trust this … that she could live with peace in her heart away from this island._

_Ketut had counseled her on this very topic many times – soothing, reassuring, promising – chanting … it was okay to let it all go!_

_And that in her mind's eye, she did not see Meredith birthing here on Bali, instead she saw 'gentle white hands' catching the miracle baby, a mischievous twinkle in her deep eyes as she made this specific profession._

_But Meredith struggled, even with Ketut's blessing – for she somehow felt like she was being pushed out of the family nest – and of course Ketut said … she __was__._

_She was ready._

_She was whole._

_She was healed._

_She was a mother._

_She was the sun and the moon and stars for someone who was the same for her._

_She was ready._

_She was whole._

_She was healed._

_She was a mother._

More tears fell – _she had to accept all the change that was coming with open arms_ – she had to be open to finding her way – _to lose herself and find herself, to someday soon … surrender _– to this next part of her journey of life. She and Derek were in an amazing place together and she knew he was finally happy – _no longer just trying to be someone else's version of happy_ – but whole and healed – _he had grown, he was also ready, he was her everything_ – and Ketut was right, he was a beautiful daddy already.

###

Derek reached over and rested his hand along Meredith's thigh, watching her with one eye as her tiny tears fell along her beautiful face – _her long hair wild and free, moving in the wind, her face flushed, her fingertips hiding under her black tank top, just above the waistline of her deep purple sari_ – she was at peace, despite the tears, she was … full of peace. He looked at her wet cheeks, the way her tears effortlessly trickled down her face_ – he didn't want to intrude_ – but he wanted her to know he was there for her if she needed him or anything else, he pressed evenly on her thigh, just enough to remind her. For the last few days had proved to be emotional and there were any number of reasons Meredith could be distressed – _and her emotions had been rising in a furious crescendo coming together in a high soprano within the last day specifically with the clinic closing and Owen's departure imminent_ – she was torn at best, distressed over the strong pull on her heart strings, but thrilled with the knowledge that the culmination of those events would only propel the start of something new and different, namely _'Meri House'_ and Owen's fishing trip (_hopefully his new lease on life_).

And Derek got it – _the hope for a fresh start_ – he more than understood Meredith's hope for their dear friend because he had been there, _he was that guy_ … when he moved to Seattle in the weeks before he met Meredith … _he was that man_, the one starting over, the one turning a blind eye to his history, his family, his old friends. He sighed and moved his hand from Meredith's thigh to grip the wheel, once again focusing on the road ahead – _the future_ – and the plans he made for this week up in Ubud and beyond.

He smiled inwardly now – _and jumbled thoughts, for the most part good and happy zoomed in and out of his subconscious _– driving could do that, allow for the space and time to think … really think. Especially in traffic like this – _break, gas, stop, start, roll forward_ – thank God they would arrive in Gianyar soon, about a half hour to go now. Derek glanced at Meredith's sleeping form – _damn, he was happy and excited and he really just wanted to get up to the mountains and escape with Meredith_ – he wanted his beautiful lover all to himself. Selfish he may be (_maybe in that regard he hadn't changed that much after all_), except that this would probably be their last chance to be truly alone, truly on vacation from life (_whether here or in Seattle_) before the baby's birth. He glanced at Meredith – _that would be the one thing he would change_ – for if he could somehow allay her worries and fears he would because he loved her … truly, madly loved her.

And with that thought in mind – _Derek could finally focus on what was important_ – he could finally focus on what he so desperately wanted with Meredith when he first met her, but had no right to be with her … a future with her. One in which they would grow and live and mature and evolve and remember their time here as a jumping off point where all the threads of their history were woven together to create the precipice for their future. Because that's what it all came down to: this island and what it brought forth – _for her, for him and for them_ – for on this island he:

_Lost himself to the experience of tragic beauty and …_

… _became a father._

_Found himself unexpectedly linked to an extended family and …_

… _became a brother._

_Surrendered to himself and his profound feelings for Meredith and …_

… _became her trusted lover._

Derek rounded a small corner, only a few miles to go now, still following the same car, still in that same single file line of old _brandnameless_ _cars_ traveling along the ancient roads somehow paved on the island in the middle of the ocean – _the high holy mountains calling for them, pulling on the car like a tether _– one more important excursion to make in Gianyar first, where he hoped Meredith would find what she was looking for – _and then they would be on their way, up, up, up_ – to the pinnacle, the zenith. He pressed on the gas pedal, only to stop abruptly – _moving slowly, the single file line at a crawl now_ – reminiscent of cars waiting to cross over the ferryboat threshold.

_Ferryboats. Sturdy. Dependable. Cabin. Seattle. Grace. Sterile. OR. The Game. Friends. Family. Mark._

Mark … Mark, Derek smiled, a broad smile – _a comfortable smile covered his face as he shook his head at the memory of the rebellious boy he grew up with_ – the boy his mother treated as a son, the man he trusted unconditionally until one day … he couldn't. Admittedly, Derek was still angry at Mark – _a right that belonged to him_ – except that he missed his friend, his brother. And spending time with Owen and Peter – _connecting with them, working with them, finding solutions with them, looking out for one another, building trust and leaning into it_ – had only reminded Derek what it was like to be a brother. Even just one link within a band of brothers was enough of a reminder and lest he forget, Mark's call to Peter would have eventually led him to Meredith if her tenacity hadn't done that for them. And with that in mind yesterday evening, Derek did what he had to do … what he wanted to do for weeks.

He called Mark and spoke with him in a hushed tone, running along an invisible circuit, pacing in lush the garden, poolside while he watched Meredith take her late afternoon dip … and in those cherished moments – _watching his lover swim while the sun set on another beautiful day on Bali_ – Derek Shepherd made peace with his childhood friend – _the boy he used to be (the one he still had a soft spot for, the one who was easy to forgive), the one he grew up with_ – his brother … Mark Sloan. Because that's what families do – _they forgive, they learn to forget, they love, they live, they grow and they evolve_ – and if Derek was going to be the kind of father his mother and Meredith could be proud of … he needed to learn tolerance, and on this island he had – _and so he let go, he let go of the anger and hate and regret and hurt that had encapsulated him for months_ – and made peace.

He felt Meredith's hand on his thigh; she brought him back and woke him up. He turned to her and smiled. She looked rested, her tears long gone – _he knew he wouldn't have to ask her the reason for them_ – he knew she could leave them there, cry them out or let them recede … if she wanted to tell him what made her overflow before, she would. And for the moment, the well was dry. He spotted a parking spot on the side of the road and swerved into it without missing a beat.

"It's beautiful up here too … it never ends," she mused as Derek pulled the emergency break up.

"No, it doesn't," he agreed as the lovers gathered their things and exited the car.

"Hi," Derek said, leaning into Meredith as he came to stand in front of her, she raised her brow and giggled as he swiftly entered her personal space.

"Hi yourself," she said, closing the small distance between them, she leaned up and kissed his _perfect-fit_ lips. "Thank you," she said, before kissing him again. "For doing all the driving," she whispered against his mouth.

"Welcome," he said against hers, deepening the kiss for a beat before he pulled back slightly. "You okay?" he asked, because he just had to.

"I'm okay, I really am," she smiled and shook her head at his tenacity, his need to make sure she wasn't teetering on the edge of some dangerous emotional cliff.

"Good," he sighed, kissing her _perfect-fit_ lips once more. "Do you have an idea of where the boutique is from the main road?" he asked.

"I do … Ketut made a map for us," she answered, pulling a small piece of paper from the side pocket of her bag.

The couple walked, taking in the sights and sounds of the bigger village – _not completely unlike the coastal village of Negara, but different enough_ – the energy was more fast-paced, the people busier … and while the sun still hung brightly in the sky, there was no ocean breeze to offset its heat. The village of Gianyar was a textile center – _well known for their fabric factories_ – where tourists are invited to watch the masses of sarongs being woven … a scene the lovers had no interest in. For instead they were in search of a boutique that specialized in the unique craft of _gringsing_ (_a method of fabric weaving indigenous of the small nearby village of Tenganan in East Bali_).

The result is what caught Meredith's attention, having realized that her two favorite sarongs were constructed in this style, both were as unique and beautiful and complex as the method itself was … for this double _ikat _method (_gringsing),_ both the _warp threads_ (_those stretched along the loom_) and the _weft threads_ (_those which are woven across the warp_) are dyed individually first before ever woven on the loom (_the craft is in the design_), whereas with the traditional _ikat _method the threads are dyed with a specific pattern _before_ woven on the loom (_preset design_).

Meredith handed Derek a bottle of water. He took a sip and handed it back to her. Reaching down he took her hand in his as she directed them down one of the small side streets where she came to an abrupt stop. "This is it," she smiled, taking a step closer to the entrance.

"Let's go inside," Derek murmured as they stepped through the darkened threshold and into the fragmented light of the shop, a world away from the hustle and bustle outside.

Meredith and Derek smiled, taking in their new surroundings, while met with the peaceful gaze of the weavers sitting at their looms and the shop owner as she stood to greet them.

"Hello friends," the older woman greeted with a peaceful smile, focusing on Meredith.

"Hello," Derek replied, following her gaze.

_Meredith smiled – her face big and round, the sea of beautiful fabrics in front of them: her lottery – she was already lost, her attention solely focused on the bolts of fabric … all intricate, all beautiful, all 'gringsing'._

"May I?" she asked, running her fingers gently along some of the folded sarongs, each more beautiful than the next.

"Of course," the woman replied as she crossed the small space. "_Gringsing_," she sighed, her almond-shaped eyes crinkled with awe as she spoke.

"Hmm, yes," Meredith answered, pulling one sarong – _largely red and brown_ – from the shelf, she let the fabric fall free, it was beautiful, a stunning piece of artistry. She lay it down on the table that sat underneath the window and made an attempt to follow the elusive, yet perfectly precise pattern woven with the soft threads.

"The warp," the woman pointed out, Meredith followed her direction finger.

"The weft," Meredith pointed this time, the woman smiled, big and round, her perfect teeth on display.

"Yes," she encouraged. "Come," she said, taking Meredith by her forearm.

Meredith turned to Derek and she found his smile. He took her bag from her and raised his brow, watching now as the women crossed over the small space to stand in front of the working looms. He spotted a chair next to the door and sat down – _the warm breeze pushed against his back as his eyes locked with Meredith's for a beat longer, connecting without words now as he watched her smile; brilliantly_ – before she turned her attention back to her guide and the movement in front of her. She focused then on the process, the method that had her so entranced and looked over to find the kind woman's eyes, searching for the depth and meaning that could be found behind them.

Derek grinned from ear to ear, further losing himself in the moment – _watching the woman 'coach' his lover over the loom_ – her giggle echoing through the small space now as the woman uprooted the weaver only to invite Meredith to sit down in her place. He watched with interest as the woman leaned forward and instructed Meredith on the silent, yet peaceful craft of _gringsing_. Meredith repeated the action several times – _each time pulling a warp thread taut over the loom, then interweaving the weft threads throughout_ – her fingers deft, her actions instinctual and almost immediately by rote.

_It was a fine art._

_She was a talented artist, he would tell her._

_It reminded him of surgery._

_She was a fine surgeon, he would remind her._

Meredith looked up from the loom and leaned back, she scrutinized her _'work'_, the woman leaned down and whispered something indiscernible in her ear, Meredith erupted with laughter, her head falling back, eyes closed – _again she stole his breath away with her beauty _– for despite the rustic backdrop and the dust particles dancing all around them in the filtered light, she stood out like an angel, a shimmering diamond … she was stunning. Her face bright with happiness, her eyes even brighter – _she was fine, she was okay_ – and in that moment Derek fell in love with Meredith all over again.

"Come, see," said the woman, taking Meredith's hand. Meredith stood and looked at the loom once more before she nodded at the displaced weaver with appreciation.

Meredith followed her host to the back of the shop, the far corners lined with pot after pot of pigment dyes – _the woman working there, covered in a smock of rainbow splatters, a haphazard pattern of beauty_ – the colors so vibrant, so true to their origin it almost hurt to look at them. The woman smiled and wordlessly invited Meredith over to watch her now as she went back to the minutia of her job. Back to her tedious, yet oh so important position, for Meredith had read that the pigment dyes can sometimes take _years_ to germinate into those rich, organic colors – _and so much so that the process of cultivating the dyes is ongoing, never-ending, always evolving_ – and those were the very ideals Meredith was searching for in a tangible reminder of their time here on Bali … she wanted a reminder to last a lifetime and beyond, she wanted something ongoing, never-ending and always evolving.

Her host brought her back into the moment, her warm hand on her shoulder as she silently handed a ladle to her and invited her to reach in and lift some of the dye up from an uncovered pot. She did as she was instructed and moved the ladle through the dye bath, raising it up, scrutinizing it as she did. She held it over the pot for a beat – _it looked black like a cloudless night _– but when the woman dipped a cotton thread into the mini dye-bath, the _magic of color_ traveled up the thread like a flame following gunpowder – _and within seconds the thread was the most glorious deep rosy pink_ – strikingly familiar too, Meredith smiled.

"Hibiscus," the woman said with a smile. Meredith smiled too and rested the ladle inside the pot and stepped away. She followed her host away from the pots and back into the front of the shop where they found Derek watching the weavers with intensity.

He looked up and smiled at Meredith, standing to greet her. "So, you were a natural," he teased lightly, taking her skilled hands in his. Meredith smiled. "See anything you like?" he asked, cocking his head – _damn, she was radiant, she looked like she had a secret and maybe she did_ – but no matter what it was … she really was okay, she really was fine.

"Um … _everything_," she laughed, but in truth she didn't exactly know what she was looking for.

The woman approached the lovers holding large basket of threads – _another magical rainbow of color, so lush, so organic and natural_ – the possibilities were endless and with beautiful choices like this, it was no wonder the weavers were inspired.

"Sit," the woman instructed, pulling another chair over for Meredith.

"Choose … we make," she gestured, placing the basket at their feet.

"Oh … no, I –"

"Yes," said the woman firmly. "You choose … we make," she persisted.

_Meredith looked up and over the basket and found Derek – the filtered sunlight softening the strong lines of his face – he looked so young and carefree. His eyes sparkled and the world fell away for a beat – what was on his mind – she wondered with a smile. She melted._

"Go for it," he encouraged, his voice soft and silky.

"Here," the woman said, handing Meredith a tablet and a pencil along with two empty baskets. "Draw what you see up here," she instructed, pointing to her temple. "Choose _warp_ and _weft_, one and one …," she said, pointing to the baskets.

And so Meredith did. She closed her eyes for a brief moment and let her mind wander to that place _– that special place of quiet solitude_ – that place of peace, that place where the island would live on in perpetuity in her mind's eye. She opened her eyes and let her pencil move over the blank page, stopping to make small notations on the color and other small directives – _all important to her_ – to her vision of what she wanted for their baby's room. She plucked threads from the big basket in tandem now – _choosing her 'warp' and 'weft' colors with care and with her whole heart_ – before depositing them into the correct basket.

After several moments, Derek peaked into the baskets and smiled broadly at what he saw _– the astounding collection of colors … so bright … so true to Ketut's sentiment –_ and with that thought he took one last peak at Meredith's drawing and then back to her color choices and suddenly he was inspired. He stood and walked behind her chair, leaning down and into her – _he kissed the crown of her head_ – breathing her in before he pulled away and wandered over to the colorful spray of finished sarongs. He scanned the shelves and finally selected one after a minute … a beautiful display of craftsmanship, one that utilized the same family of colors Meredith had chosen. He held the delicate fabric in his hands and walked back to the women and smiled. Meredith stood up.

"You like?" the woman asked him.

"Oh yes," he answered. "Meredith?" he inquired.

"It's beautiful," Meredith murmured – _running her fingertips along the soft fabric_ – realizing now that Derek had picked up on her shared intuition. "A real gem," she sighed, catching Derek's eyes with hers for a beat.

"So … you stay in Gianyar?" the woman asked.

"No," Meredith shook her head. "Ubud … then Negara," she said slowly.

"Ah," the woman smiled brightly. "Come back … from Ubud … before you go down," she instructed happily.

Derek nodded in assent. "Rupiahs?" he asked, fishing in his back pocket for his wallet.

"We talk later," she said, handing Meredith a slip of paper. Meredith leaned down, grabbed her bag and slipped the paper inside for safe-keeping.

"And this?" Derek asked, holding the sari out.

"You take … enjoy," she smiled genuinely. "Pay later," she added, pushing the garment back.

"No," Derek countered with a grin. "Give and take," he said, pulling some bills from his wallet. "Pay now … for some," he said confidently, handing the bills to the woman who smiled and graciously took the currency.

"Thank you," Meredith said, taking a step closer, she planted a small kiss to the woman's soft brown cheek.

"It was for the joy," she replied. "Come back … next week …," she said with a radiant smile just like theirs.

###

The couple walked out and into the bright afternoon sunlight _– Meredith snaked her hand in her bag and pulled her hat out, silently reminding herself that she wanted to buy a new Yankees cap for Derek, at some point, once they got home_ – she absentmindedly took a couple of steps, her head still buried in her bag until she found Derek's sunglasses and made to hand them to him, but then realized he wasn't next to her. She turned around and found him; he was right where she left him, a few steps behind her, still in front of the store entryway.

"Derek?" she breathed, walking towards him.

"So you think Ketut's right …," he whispered, his hand found her belly. He felt a warm heat radiate against his palm and he melted inside over all that might be happening beneath the surface there.

"Yes," she whispered, tears of pure happiness pricked her eyes – _pop, pop, pop_ – they went spilling onto her cheeks.

"Really … so …," Derek lost his words. "You think the baby's a …," he breathed, still lost in the reality of their miracle. He smiled from ear to ear, coming closer as the world all around them fell away until it was just the _three_ of them.

"I do, Derek, I really do," she muttered, finding his endless blue eyes with hers – _I do, I do, I do_ – she chanted silently.

"Wow," he chuckled, cradling her skull in his hands, his finger submersed in her wild locks. "Just wow," he said, gathering Meredith into his arms – _coveting, protecting, loving_ – and cherishing her for now and all time.

"Yeah, wow," she said, holding on tight, wrapped inside her lover's embrace – _coveting, protecting, loving_ – and cherishing him for now and all time.

They stayed in the moment for a beat, with the world spinning around and around while their world stood perfectly still – _visions of their baby wordlessly passing between them, parent to parent_ – bright colors swirling like magical rainbows, the fabric of their lives becoming richer and more layered with each memory they made together and would make together in the future. Meredith's stomach rumbled loudly, serenity fell away and reality set in again … she giggled. She pulled away first, just enough to look at Derek. He ducked down and plucked her _perfect-fit_ lips with his.

"C'mon, let's find a _warung (common street vendor)_, maybe some sweet rice and satay – _and lots of mangos _– to energize _you_," he teased suggestively, a cocky smirk covering his face.

"Energize _you_ … you mean," Meredith jabbed right back, taking his hand in hers as they began to walk.

"No … us … _us_," Derek sassed lightly, bumping her hip with his.

"Yeah … _us_," Meredith agreed with a giggle as they went on their way.

**Chapter 17 – Lucky – Part 2 of 4 to follow.**


	41. Chapter 17, Lucky, Part 2 of 4

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al. **

**Author's Note: I hope you continue to enjoy this story, I don't know what to say anymore about the lack of reviews, I have no words left on that topic. **

**I do know I am excited to share this story, but that excitement quickly fades without feedback, the thrill of sharing does not compensate for my disappointment in the end and I am not sure how I feel about that, but I guess I am a glutton for punishment.**

**The story means a great many things to me … but what does it mean to you? Does it make you see what I can so readily see in my mind's eye? Well, I won't know unless you're brave enough to tell me … all I really know is that I'm brave enough to share it. **

**Chapter 17 – Lucky – Part 2 of 4**

The late afternoon sun cast a spray of orange and pink sherbet shadows throughout the expansive suite Derek had leased for their week-long stay in the cultural center of the island, the illustrious village of Ubud. The resort – _comprised of thirty free standing thatched-roof suites_ – was situated between the soft green, plentiful curves of endless rice terraces and the rushing water of the Ayung River. The locale had so far proved to be the perfect place for the couple to rest and relax, with the spiritual and artistic community at their doorstep and the high holy mountains only a short drive from their milieu … _perfect_ was an understatement.

Both the resort and their suite were lavish by any standards, comparable to any five-star resort anywhere else in the world, and then some. Derek knew Meredith still believed their surroundings were excessive considering the living conditions of many of the coastal islanders she had met and treated and lived amongst down in Negara. She had believed they were living in the lap of luxury in their refurbished hotel _– and they were_ – the place had been reborn under their watchful eyes … but this place here in Ubud, was in a league all by itself. Perhaps it was the traditional Balinese gateways and gardens, or the immense amount of art and culture that surrounded them or maybe it was the spiritual growth they were poised for – _the truth was, no matter what the reasons were_ – this place, their suite and Ubud itself was nothing short of magical.

Meredith was hard-pressed to see Derek's point, but he persevered, arguing that he wanted to escape with her, that he wanted to somehow focus on encapsulating the peace and tranquility and solitude he had found on this island with her – _in her_ – careful to remind Meredith that Negara was poised for re-growth and rebirth and that high above that small coastal village lay clusters of cultural and spiritual villages that also held _offerings _for them, despite their apparent imperviousness to the tsunami. But Meredith countered (_of course_) carefully reminding him that they were all touched by the waves of the tsunami – _in a full spectrum of ways, pain thresholds all the way from one to ten_ – including them … _the waves hadn't even touched them_, for they were a world away when the devastation made its mark – _but that they were so deep in trenches of a storm of their own making that they felt it_ – aftershocks, the ripple-effect.

Derek smiled at her logic and couldn't argue with it and in the end he simply asked her to go with it … _'be flexible'_ and she had – _acquiesced quite gracefully –_ seeming to enjoy their sumptuous Balinese meal last night followed by swimming in the nude in their private plunge pool, the weather a bit cooler up here in the mountains, but the water oh so warm and soothing. Little did she know this was just the tip of the iceberg in regards to his plans – _for_ _he was eager to share his week-long surprise with her_ – set to begin within a couple of hours from now.

And that left Derek right back where he started – _secretly reeling with excitement, but feeling unusually calm and collected and full of peace_ – standing against the expansive floor-to-ceiling windows overlooking the endless green rice terraces that sat in the valley just beyond the stone boundary wall of their private space – _stacks of the bright green flora and rich brown earth, it reminded him of the ribbons of chocolate fudge layered in mint ice cream_ – the view was captivating, especially early this morning when the farmers were working deep within those languid ribbons of earthy chocolate. He sighed – _inhaling a deep breath of the sweet, spicy air housed within the suite and he set himself free, he let himself go_ – relaxing into the moment now as his reflection meshed within the lush, green and brown landscape before him.

To say Derek wanted to become one with his surroundings sounded cliché, but for him – _this happened to be his goal_ – much like Meredith's desire to find that perfect _gringsing_ or connect on a real and personal level with the villagers – _whether it be to master the time honored tradition of Balinese meal preparation or to clothe herself as they would, just to simply immerse herself, lose herself … to surrender to life on Bali_ – Derek too wanted to be able to find his way back the relaxed, peaceful state he found himself in – _he wanted to be able to take that home, box it up and __use__ it well beyond his time here on this island_ – he wanted to be able to move more smoothly through the stresses of their everyday life in Seattle. And to do this – _to somehow remain spiritually, mentally and physically aligned with one another and this island_ – Derek knew they would require a certain amount of _coaching_.

Derek turned away from the window-wall and caught a glimpse of Meredith's naked form – _relaxing in the centered canopy bed situated against another set of floor-to-ceiling windows _– her familiar curves fully visible beneath the ecru satin sheet. He smiled, spotting her latest collection of pregnancy books already in a neat stack on her bedside table. He took her in for a beat longer (_relieved to see her resting comfortably_), before his eyes moved and he further yielded to the warm tones of their enclave – _furnishings made from local teak and coconut woods, simple soft light fixtures, intricate ecru and earth-toned Javanese marble floors (from stone quarries in Java), volcanic stone basins and tubs _– everything was cool, sleek and contemporary and despite the expansive windows and the vaulted, yet thatched roof, the place embodied all the warmth of a traditional Balinese home.

He pressed his lips together – _the place was truly stunning_ – he glanced at Meredith again and a broad smile covered his face in fond remembrance of their games last night until the wee hours of the morning. She was exhausted; and their reluctant early rise to check out the massive outdoor frenetic marketplace didn't help either. So it was no wonder to him that Meredith stripped off her soiled clothing, took a cool shower and slipped into bed when they came in almost two hours ago. She was conked-out and as much as he wanted to wake her up and have a swim with her (_or do something else a little more sinful with her_), he decided to let her sleep so she could be well-rested for the evening ahead, so instead he made his way to the _kitchen-bar_ to put their groceries and other wares away.

Derek emptied the numerous bags, taking out the bountiful collection of fresh fruits, vegetables, nuts, dried spices and plastic containers of sweet rice and other delicacies, and as he worked – _the sweet, tangy, earthy, rustic scent of the island marketplace intoxicated him_ – and if he closed his eyes, he could be right back there. Right along with the bright blue sky and the heat of the sun and the endless sea of villagers with their brown earthy skin, perfectly white smiling teeth, colorful saris moving in the light mountain breeze – _and Meredith in his mind's eye … watching her chat it up with the older vendors who loved her playful curiosity just about as much as he did_ – it was truly a beautiful morning and Derek was quite sure Meredith had enough indigenous and locally grown spices to make her own _base gede_ (_traditional Balinese spice mixture_) for years to come.

There was one last paper bag, Derek lifted several large ripe mangos from it and rested them in a decorative glass bowl on the counter. He grabbed a knife and carefully sliced the ripest one, placing the fleshy fruit into a bowl for later _– the scent of the desirous fruit wafted up and into the air_ – and there it stayed, stuck to his nostrils like sweet honey, reminiscent to the taste of Meredith's flesh on his tongue. And with that thought in mind, Derek rinsed his hands off and tidied up the last of their new wares (_four fabulous Buddha's carved of wood (for the Fab-Four of course) and Meredith's new mortar and pestle_) and left the _kitchen-bar_ in favor of slipping into bed with his lover.

Derek approached the bed and slipped his clothing off. He stood there – _awestruck, stymied_ – as he admired the view for a moment – _taking in Meredith's relaxed facial muscles, her sun-kissed cheeks, her long fingers wrapped protectively around her pillow, the masses of her blond air-dried locks_ – she was a vision. He moved toward the bed, shaking himself _awake_ now, he raised the sheet and admired her perfectly plump bare ass and slipped into bed behind her – _spooning her ass with his groin_ – his hand falling to her belly – _silently connecting with the baby _– as Meredith instinctually laced her fingers through his; where they stayed.

_There was nothing quite like this he silently marveled, sinking into the heat of 'them', he let his eyes fall shut and relaxed into their protective bubble of energy. Derek took a deep breath, pressing his nose into Meredith's hair behind her ear and neck. He rested his lips on her shoulder, breathing her in – she was nothing short of intoxicating, he took another deep breath – realizing that somehow she smelled even more raw and organic than he ever remembered. Unable to resist his desire to hold and taste her, Derek kissed her round, soft shoulder again – her skin was soft and sweet and supple; completely alive – his need for her was truly insatiable._

_Derek left his lips on her shoulder and felt Meredith further submit to his heat, relaxing completely in his arms now, all the while he couldn't stop himself from breathing her in – melting into her now – he too, allowed himself to submit to her heat. With their hands protectively laced over their miracle baby, tears pricked his eyes, but he smiled inwardly, his heart and soul on fire with awe and blessed love. He was so in love, so madly in love._

He and Meredith were finally at peace … both together and apart from one another – _and this, __this_ – was what Derek so desperately wanted to preserve. He sighed and took another deep breath in, pressing her down, savoring this private moment as the new, more intense scent of Meredith's skin wafted up and disabled him – _sure, he could still detect mango-infused lavender (her base) but after the morning in the open air marketplace, a lion's share of that time having been spent amongst the spice-vegetable-fruit stalls – _she smelled like the island, the villagers, the indigenous spices – _suddenly awestruck_ – Derek opened his eyes and pulled his lover even closer, for he realized that in some auspicious way Meredith Grey had personified the island of Bali had become her own souvenir!

With that thought in mind, Derek pressed his nose deeper into his lover's wild tresses and opened his eyes – _letting them wander beyond her glorious curves_ – landing on the perfectly still water of the plunge pool just outside. The sky bright blue; the warm afternoon sun perched high above them, the water's surface both peaceful and quiet. And there again he succumbed to the island and everything it had brought forth for him and for Meredith and perhaps most importantly … for them.

_He closed his eyes on the moment, breathing her in, taking her peace of mind with him – relishing the natural heat that radiated between them – as he focused more intensely on her essence – now a strong mix of red chilies, jasmine, honey, guava, tamarind, gardenia, oily vanilla beans, papaya, mango, mango, mango and incense … yes, incense, both smoky and oh so spiritual – and there he left an imprint, the imprint of her essence deep into his lungs for safe-keeping._

_Meredith stirred in his arms, his love encircled her._

_Derek opened his eyes, her love encircled him._

_She sighed and moved their hands up to her mouth where she pressed a warm kiss to the top of his hand before she laced his fingers through hers and brushed them across her breasts and nipples – guiding him through that loving caress – as she wiggled her ass back and into his heat. His heart rate spiked, her nipples hardened from their mutual touch and his cock woke-up._

He smiled and kissed her shoulder, vowing to let her have her fun … _for now._ His cock twitched again, bobbing against her firm ass cheeks. Derek followed her lead and gently rolled her nipples between his right thumb and pointer finger, resting his left hand along the warmth of her softer belly. Meredith arched her back – _her head lolled against his shoulder and she sighed breathlessly into the sweet air all around them_ – her nipples ripe and surely beautiful. Derek kissed her neck, moving his lips up to the back of her ear where he pulled on her fleshy lobe with his teeth before he French-kissed her there.

"Hmm," she moaned as he continued to work her ear with his tongue and lips – _she felt a new layer of heat consume her, her skin pricked with fever now_ – and in that moment she abruptly woke up.

Lacing her fingers through his, Meredith moved their hands across her sensitive fleshy nubs again – _her areolas puckered, her peaks fully protruded, ripe and completely ready now_ – as she pressed herself into Derek's heat again – _his cock jumped _– and within seconds that all-too-familiar invisible trail of gunpowder that bridged her erogenous zones was ignited and so was her clit. Instinctually, she closed her knees and thighs together in an effort to apply pressure to her precious nub – _alas she fell short, her legs were like Jell-O already_ – and who could blame her really … with Derek's tenacious lips and tongue nipping at her earlobe and his steel cock banging wildly into her ass cheeks, really who could blame her for falling under his spell and losing herself completely … unadulterated heat pooled in her core.

"Meredith," Derek moaned thickly, his breath hot, stacked. "You're on fire," he muttered, his blood boiling as he melted into her sweet, fiery heat.

"I am," she sighed, her clit throbbed. "Only for you," she added, pressing her knees together again before she released her muscles and opened her right thigh a fraction of an inch.

Lacing his fingers through hers again, she snaked their hands down to her mound, guiding the pad of his middle finger over her smoldering nub and along her warm wet folds before he took control and slipped that finger into her fleshy pool of nerves, pumping, _once, twice._

"Hmm, fire," Derek sighed, sucking her earlobe into his mouth again as he pumped her pussy, his fingers already covered in her sex … she was hot, wet and completely turned on.

"Yes fire … so hot," she managed to say, arching her back, opening her free thigh even wider to encourage his ministrations.

_Derek lunged forward, his lips planted on Meredith's shoulder now, his cock buried between her ass and his abdomen as he began to play with her pussy in earnest – flick, flick, flick, slip, slip, slip, pulse, pulse, pulse – anything and everything to get her off. Her unique essence wafted up and arrested him and his mouth watered – he was like Pavlov's dog when it came to her elixir – yes, it was the only thing he really needed to survive._

_Meredith felt Derek's cock pulse under her ass as her vaginal muscles held his fingers in place – clenching down now, pulsing around his fingers – she needed his cock … it was as simple as that. She opened her eyes, reached down and pressed her ass back and into his groin. With one fluid movement, she opened her free thigh wider and Derek slipped inside of her – deep, deep, as he deep as he could from behind – damn, he felt so fucking good!_

"Oh, God … Meredith," he growled, pulsing into her shorter channel, keeping his arms wrapped low around her belly, his thumb brushing along her fat clit as he slowly slipped in and out of her – _pulse, pulse, pulse, he sank deeper into her hot, sticky depths_ – while she bucked her hips back and took as much of him as she could from this angle.

"Derek …," she sighed, reaching back she pressed her hand on his ass, holding him close as he made short but meaningful pulses into her soaking wet pussy – _she pushed her ass up and back again _– craving deeper penetration, full well knowing she would need more of him before too long.

_Moving in complete harmony now, the couple made slow, furious love – limited mobility and visibility only a minor hindrance as they worked toward that ultimate goal – blissful oblivion. Muscles became taut, nerve-endings became frayed, breathing became labored – each feeling closer and closer to 'coming' together – except that … they were not nearly 'close' enough. For they knew, each would seek a deeper, more powerful connection from their lovemaking … a connection of mind, body and spirit._

"I want to see you," Derek husked, kissing Meredith's shoulder now as he slipped from her warm depths.

_Wordlessly, Meredith rolled over and opened her thighs wide to accept him as Derek hovered for a split-second before he sank his hot and ready cock back into her warm and waiting caverns … once again he was home, once again she welcomed him there._

_The lovers moaned in unison and halted all movement as the world seemed to stop. And there they stayed, staring into each other's eyes, fingertips roaming their flushed faces, caressing, loving … relishing in their connectivity and in the blessed energy of them._

_Eye to eye …_

_Face to face …_

_Lips to lips …_

_Mind to mind …_

_Body to body …_

_Spirit to spirit …_

_Finally joined via their gateways, they were one to each other again – whole, healed, completely in love and connected – for now and for always. Derek began to make slow and easy downward strokes into Meredith's waiting depths … longevity on his mind now – solely focused on his task – completely lost within her eyes and lips and intoxicating essence as he kissed and fucked her senseless with the intent of never letting her go._

"I love you," Meredith whispered – _her voice cracked, but not broken_ – already lost within his endless ocean blue gateways she missed so much just moments ago.

"Oh … me too," Derek replied. "I love you …," he murmured, captivated by the sparkling green mist of her eyes he missed so much just moments ago.

_Meredith felt Derek move his hand between them, his fingers flanked her clit and he added pressure, yes, yes, yes – she wanted to cum and she would blow soon, she was hot, ready – already on fire from their rear-entry start, it was too much!_

_She found Derek's intense gaze and knew he was close too – for it had been too much, their lovemaking, too intense without being able to see one another – and so now she found herself savoring the eye contact they so desperately needed. She watched him like a hawk, unable to move her eyes from his impenetrable gaze._

_And under that gaze, Derek quickened his tempo; there was no turning back now. _

_Meredith bucked her hips up and back allowing for deeper penetration – damn he felt so good – she moaned into the air between them but he only smiled. She tightened her legs around his waist – watching his eyes and face now as he slammed into her one last time – locking her eyes on his, silently begging him to stay with her in the moment as he started to cum! Her muscles clenched down, down, down for him now, holding him, cherishing him as he rode the waves of blissful oblivion, all the while, he held onto her … his anchor… his everything!_

_Tears pricked her eyes as she came to expect whenever she allowed herself to do this – for she was always mesmerized by watching Derek orgasm – there was nothing quite like it … he just looked so fucking beautiful – with his face beet-red, his eyes so intense and animalistic, his thick ebony curls wild – there was just something about seeing him, like this, so vulnerable and out of control that always made her fall in love with him all over again._

_It almost – __almost__ – hurt to watch him, it shook her core and her spirit and almost always impeded her ability to cum with him. And really Meredith had no care for that, no care at all because the world simply melted away in those rare, beautiful, intimate moments until all that was left was the striking power of them … and that was just fine by her._

"Meredith, shh …," Derek soothed – _he brushed her nose with his and brought their hands above her head into a halo as he tenaciously kissed her swollen lips – _she closed her glassy eyes and relaxed."I love you," he sighed – _still submersed within her_ – still completely lost within her aura, but not too far gone to know she was emotionally spent.

"I love you …," Meredith sighed, her fingers wrapped around his skull now, holding him there, she plucked his lips with hers, darting her tongue in for a taste. "So … much," she murmured softly.

Meredith sighed, not an ounce of space between them now, heat to heat, skin on skin – _'I love you, I love you'_ – she chanted silently, holding on for dear life. And as she held Derek, she felt him fully surrender to his post-orgasmic state, his muscles suddenly relaxed and heavy, his weight baring down on her – _his semi-flaccid cock twitched instinctually as he unwillingly slipped from her core_ – she raised her thigh and pressed down on his ass with her heal, doing her best to manipulate her hooded clit – _squeeze, squeeze, squeeze_ – she massaged her nub against his pelvic bone.

_She shifted; she needed more of him still … hmm, her feral desire to cum needed to be satisfied and Derek was the only one who could do it. _

"I need to finish you …," Derek muttered into her damp skin, feeling Meredith's wet heat radiate from her ready core against his pelvic bone – _clench, clench, clench_ – she went as he wiggled free from her tight hold, capturing her lips with his for a beat before he began his descent to get her off.

_Derek moved his lips along her damp, flushed skin now, nipping at her neck, then her clavicle before he inched downward and pulled back – her ripe, rosy nipples screamed to him, begging to be tasted and devoured – as he bent down, caressing her flesh – she arched her back and sighed deeply into the sweet, thick air – offering herself to him. And wasting no time Derek accepted that offer and took her sensitive nubs into his mouth – volleying between them for a beat – rolling her hard flesh around with tongue as he snaked one hand down and rested it along the softer flesh of her belly, making his way to her mound where he stopped … his fingers resting just above her hooded clit._

_She was hot, wet and ready … Derek reluctantly released her breasts and kissed his way down, down, down to his prize._

"Yes …," Meredith sighed, writhing beneath his touch. "Finish me …," she ordered gently, opening her thighs to him.

_Meredith's sex wafted up and arrested him – the true essence of her, his Meredith (the woman and mother she had become) was so strong, so sexy, so sweet like her beloved mango and so spicy like the island – and in that moment he was stripped of any and all control he had over his faculties._

_Having already situated himself deep within the apex of her wide open thighs, her ripe and ready pussy there for the taking – her swollen little clit, so beautiful and desirous, glistening with their sex in the dim orange afternoon light – a line of heat coursed up and down his spine – ping, ping – until there was nothing left to do but to taste her, to make love to her, to caress her and to cherish her above all else in the world._

_Derek brushed his thumb over Meredith's clit, watching her muscles react to his touch, her pussy pulsing with raw need as he gently spread her folds back and revealed her bright pink flesh – so beautiful, so gorgeous and all his – leaning forward now he swept his tongue up and down her inner seam, forcing Meredith's hips back against the bed as she tried raise them in an effort to fuck his mouth._

_He held her down, deeply focused in his instinctual goal, pressing her thighs back and open, he feasted on her sumptuous flesh and nerves and juice – drinking sweet essence her down, siphoning her sex with his whole mouth as she furiously trembled in his arms, breathlessly calling for him now as he skillfully brought her to a quick, overdue climax._

_Feasting, feasting, feasting now, his last taste was all he could think about – tenaciously flicking at her clit, rapid-fire style – forcing her to cum hard and fast, she gripped his skull like a vise … wasted in a sea of her own making … chanting his name over and over and over again, her breathing raspy, his hands on her breasts now – gently pulling at her northern erogenous zones – his mouth still deeply embedded in her delicious pussy … his cock already hard and eager for more!_

_Still deep in the trenches of her orgasm, Derek smiled wickedly into her sex and French-kissed her beautiful pussy with endearment – darting his tongue into her depths, nice and stiff now – she grabbed it with her muscles and massaged it, clamping down, making it hers, fucking his mouth, raising her hips, clenching down, down, down with ownership as if it were the last time she would be blessed enough to do so!_

_Derek felt her climax and allowed his reward to funnel into his throat. He slowed his pulses, avoiding her over-stimulated clit now as her muscles relaxed all around him._

_He kissed her flesh again and cleaned her up – kissing, loving and sexing – just because he could and because he wasn't ready to turn away from the beauty of her ... yet._

_Breathing her in now, he raised his head and peeked up to spy his lover and never in their life together had he seen her so – flushed and naked and beautiful – unexpected tears pricked his eyes … her beauty was insane and his body shook with wonder as grabbed the ecru satin sheet and slowly crawled up to kiss her perfectly rosy cheeks and offer his undying love, plucking and kissing as he went, pulling the sheet over them now, quite certain he could never get enough of her … never, ever._

He hovered for a beat and there she found her lover's bright eyes. He leaned in and she kissed his swollen lips. He smelled and tasted like _them._ "Thank you," she giggled breathlessly into this space between them – _she was exhausted, her nerves more than shot, her muscles deliciously taut_ – her hair matted against her face, her cheeks heated, she smiled into his eyes … _she was a sex-crazed mess._

"My pleasure," he smirked, his eyes locked on hers. Kissing her once more, soft and quick before his eyes fell on the clock for a beat. He smiled and moved to her side, snuggling into her heat.

"I guess I can finish my nap now," she teased, moving her hand up and down his dewy flesh.

"No … actually," he answered, leaning up on his elbow; he cradled his head in his hand and looked down at her. He rested his free hand over the heat of her belly – _baby, baby_ – her hand instinctually fell on top of his.

"Derek, I'm kind of serious," she giggled, looking up and into his eyes … _God, he was so beautiful._

"So am I," he laughed, leaning down, he kissed her for a beat … _God, she was so beautiful._

"What?" she asked, pressing her head back into her pillow to get a better look at him, but he only smiled.

"I have a surprise," he with an air of mischief. "For you," he whispered, his eyes locked on hers, sparring gently now.

"A surprise?" she asked with a giggle, Derek attacked her neck with kisses, his damp locks tickling her as he did.

"Hmm, yes …," Derek said into her earthy flesh. "We have to leave in a half-hour," he said, kissing her again.

"Will I like this surprise?" she asked, waking up, she held his face in her hands and met him eye to eye.

"You'll love it," he answered, smiling brightly, his anticipation escalating now as time drew them closer to their destination, their purpose. Meredith giggled.

"You should see yourself right now," she mused thoughtfully, leaning in to kiss his supple lips, she darted her tongue out to catch his … _hmm, he tasted good, just like 'them', her clit pulsed … aftershocks._

"What do you see?" he asked, leaning into her heat. He rested his hand along her belly once again.

"Hmm," she sighed, happily, drinking him in. "A man who has a deliciously mischievous secret," she answered, moving her fingertips along his hairline, lost once again in the deep secret of his gateways.

"And do you like what you see?" he asked hopefully, pressing his lips to her temple.

"I love what I see …," she sighed with a smile, moving her fingertips along his lips. _"Who_ I see," she added, tears of joy gathering now. "I love you, Derek," she whispered so softly … for his ears only.

"I love you too," he answered. "More than life, more than anyone …," he sighed before he kissed her sweet, spicy lips. "Which is why I want to do this – _give this to you, to the baby, to __us_ – this surprise … well …you'll see," he rambled, his mind racing now.

Meredith's heart melted, he was so adorable at times. "Why don't I shower quickly and you can use the one off the pool outside … we can save time," she offered, pulling away … mischief in _her_ eyes this time. Derek kissed her again.

"Okay …," he said into her mouth. She pulled back and out of his embrace and tossed the sheet off of them, the cooler air attacked his skin. Meredith cocked her head and straddled him. "Whoa!" he laughed, totally caught off guard.

Meredith giggled, looking down at her beautiful man now; she ran her fingertips along the soft skin of his chest and pressed her pussy against his abdomen, his hands found her hips. She smiled, leaned down and peppered his amused face with kisses, breathing him in as she went. His cock twitched against her ass.

On all fours now, she hovered for a beat, taking him in, her eyes locked on his, savoring the moment – _his beautiful body beneath hers _– as she moved downward, pressing her lips around his tiny nipples, his hands lost in the deep waves of her hair, massaging her scalp for a beat before she moved lower, lower and lower to her prize.

Once there, she peeked up and smiled and so did he …pressing her nose into his belly now, just above his pelvic bone, she was already lost in the essence of _'them'_ – _the island, the peace, everything it had brought forth in her lover_ – tears pricked her eyes as she took his semi-hard cock into her mouth and French-kissed him there, breathing him in, his hands still in her hair, his cock waking up in her mouth now …_ just a taste of 'them' was all she wanted. _She swirled a big, wet kiss around his sensitive head, _once, twice._

"_Meredith … go … shower,"_ came Derek's growl, he raised his hips. Her giggle filled the air.

"Just a taste was all I needed … for now," she sighed, raising her head, she perched her chin on her hands, still wrapped around the base of his cock. "I'll finish that later …," she sparred, leaning back on all fours again before she backed off of him, stood up and made her way to the shower on her shaky legs.

"_You bet your ass you will!"_ she heard him call out to her.

She chuckled, completely satisfied – _ and more than just sexually_ – Meredith sashayed over the smooth marble tiles to the bathroom, stopping briefly to grab some fresh clothing – _a tunic-style lavender linen shirt and a navy pair of board shorts_ – deciding to forego a bra; she grabbed a pair of light pink panties and went on her way.

The shower came to life and in no time the elegant bathroom was shrouded with steam. Meredith stepped into the warm cascade of the water. She quickly washed her hair – _the remnants of the earthy marketplace comingled with the essence of 'them' and swirled into the air_ – before the day and all its glory circled the drain beneath her feet and was gone for now, but not forever. She smiled and stepped away from the water, today truly was a glorious day and she couldn't help but wonder what Derek had up his sleeve … obviously something … and it was big. She smiled, lathered her hands with body wash and gingerly washed her pussy – _deliciously swollen from their games, a gentle reminder that would stay with her for a little while now_ – she smiled and stepped back into the water, quickly washing her body, feeling the small bubbles swirl and pop all over her skin.

She leaned into the water one last time – _'gringsing' woven fabrics, bold colorful spices, bright smiles and sweet mangos_ – all lingered in her mind's eye for a beat. She sighed; turning off the water now she grabbed a plush rust colored towel from the rack and stepped from the tub. She sat down on the small teak bench there. The thick, humid air soothed her tired skin and pores as she began to pat herself dry. She slipped her shirt on and tied her hair up with the towel.

_Yes, it was true she certainly had enough tangible reminders of the island – she had lifelong friends and extended family … her boy and Ketut … Owen – she had a tie to the villagers of Negara via the clinic, a large collection of saris to wrap herself in, the Balinese way of cooking, formulaic masterpieces, her wall-hanging for the nursery and countless glorious memories and stock images … and yet Meredith craved … more._

She wanted more than memories and reminders and continually wondered how she would achieve – _no,_ _how __they__ would transcend and rise above_ – and be able to live to the fullest, without distraction once they were back in Seattle. She rose from the bench, released her hair from the towel and stood before the floor-to-ceiling mirror on the back of the door. She brushed her hair and briefly wondered what she might look like in a pair of light blue scrubs now.

_She closed her eyes and 'intern Meredith appeared', she opened her eyes and only 'she' remained._

_Meredith turned away from the mirror and slipped the board shorts on – and it was in that moment that everything stopped – the world fell away and her hands fell to her belly._

_Energy coursed through her and all of a sudden she was back in the temple with Ketut the day her friend and intuition told her she was pregnant – '__Your baby is blessed,__' – Ketut's warm, soothing voice funned into her head now and there it stayed._

_She rubbed her belly … yes … this was another defining moment when the world as she knew it was changed forever!_

"DEREK!" she called out, her loud unrecognizable shriek echoed through the bathroom with no place to go except to reach her lover's ears. She heard his footsteps, coming closer now, but her mind was as cloudy as the steam-filled room – _baby, baby, baby_ – was all she could think.

"Meredith," Derek said breathlessly coming to stand in front of her. She smiled. "What?" he asked, his soulful eyes searching – _worry fading now that he spied her smile with a mysterious look on her face, one he'd never seen before_ – his rested hands on her shoulders and began move to them up and down her arms.

Without a word, she took Derek's hand in hers and led him to the bench. He sat down and she stepped in between his knees. She took his hands and moved them to her belly. "Look," she said, a large smile covered her face, Derek followed her gaze.

"Oh …," he sighed and _his _world stopped … he was stuck; he couldn't look away if he tried. She couldn't button her shorts – _almost zipped up three-quarters of the way_ – she couldn't but them … she couldn't button her shorts!

"Can you believe it?" she wondered aloud. "I went up a size … I think …," she said, her voice cracked.

"But … when did that happen?" he choked out. Looking up he found Meredith perched above him. He looked at her belly again. "Hi there," he whispered, pressing a chaste kiss to her soft flesh. Meredith's giggled filled the air. He kissed her flesh again. Her hands found his wet locks. He looked up and found her happy, searching eyes.

"I don't know," she giggled. "I've worn nothing but sarongs since we closed the clinic, I had no idea!" she smiled. "Derek …," she sighed and he stood.

"Amazing … you're amazing," he sighed; leaning in he placed a lingering kiss on her lips, drawing her near. "You'll pop within the month or so for sure," he ran his hand along her belly again, he just couldn't stop.

"You think?" she asked, looking down, her heart racing at the prospect … _seeing is believing,_ she silently mused.

"I do," he sighed. "And I can't wait," he added, cupping her beautifully full face.

"Me either," she sighed happily – _lost within Derek's embrace, cherishing the moment, their miracle baby still between them_ – already thinking about which one of her sarongs she was going to wear and suddenly … suddenly she was very thankful that she could fall back into those light blue scrubs when they returned to Seattle.

###

Fifteen minutes later – _after Meredith changed her clothes and devoured that sliced mango_ – the couple strolled through the winding streets of Ubud, cooler mountain air hung all around them – the_ sun would begin it's decent soon_ – but the mist concealed their destination, yet again they were submersed within a space and time away from the rest of the world.

Derek glanced at Meredith about as much as he glanced at the small map the concierge had drawn for him, looking at her now – _with her indigo sari tied around her growing belly and the v-neck of her loose-fitting lavender top baring just the right about of her naked, fuller breasts_ –he was sure he had never seen her look more beautiful, she really was sexier than ever without even trying. For Derek, Meredith just had this way of_ redefining __his__ idea of __her__ beauty with each passing day_ … and somehow he wasn't used to that yet. Their miracle baby might be responsible in some way shape or form (_pun fully intended_) for this redefinition, except Derek liked to think that her inner beauty _transcended or woke up or perhaps surrendered_ to their love and mutual respect for one another only once they arrived here, on this island … together and finally aligned.

_Simply put, he loved her and fell in love with her over and over and over again – and there was no limit for that – for his love for Meredith had become endless, limitless and timeless._

Meredith squeezed Derek's hand – _shivering slightly in defense of the cooler mountainous breeze_ – taking in a healthy breath of the heavier wet air now, she pressed it into her lungs … the humidity still prevalent, but more tolerable without the oppressive heat. She glanced at Derek, eying him carefully now, wondering again about this surprise of his, the one that made him look like the boy he once was. Her thoughts drifted to Wayan – _she hoped he was safe and happy; it was all she ever wanted for him_ – her mind resting once again on the crude facts of their situation, that they would only see Ketut and Wayan one more time before they departed next week.

_One more time._

She shook her head in disbelief – _sure she knew they would always be connected, linked, family, each memory represented by the threads of her precious 'gringsing' now_ – but it didn't hurt any less to realize that they wouldn't just appear from around the corner like they seemed to do here. So, she had been tenacious to a point – _yes, she would take them with her_ – via those small tangible reminders and those grander memories that had taken up residence in her mind, soul and spirit – _even if she really desired more somehow _– at least she would have that precious _gringsing _and let it carry her _home_ to Bali whenever she would look upon the masterpiece.

Meredith watched Derek glance at the map as they turned down a dimly lit street, they had been walking for about ten minutes so far and the suspense was silently eating her alive – _she was excited and nervous_ – even more than she was whilst Derek and Owen were surreptitiously putting _Meri House _together_._ Her mind rested on the clinic and she smiled. Derek stopped and turned to her then – _his eyes danced_ – they were standing just outside a covered ornate _door-gate_ with two stone Buddha offering statues situated on either side of the entryway. Dim light cascaded from behind the gate – _offering a sparkle to Derek's eyes she hadn't seen in a long time, he looked even more soulful than he had become_ – if that was even possible – _if it was possible, then he truly was_ – he really was. Meredith reached out for him, cupping his handsome face with her hands … already lost within his deep, happy, dancing eyes. He leaned into her heat.

"We're here," he whispered, running his fingertips along her hairline.

"Where?" she managed to ask, not trusting herself to say more.

"Come …," he said, taking her hand. "With me," he smiled and led her beyond the _door-gate_ and into a dimly lit open-air lobby.

"Oh … wow," Meredith sighed, her eyes roaming around the space.

The spacious open-air lobby, in the shape of a horseshoe … was a surprise in and of itself, for it was hard to believe that all of this was located just beyond the street outside – _with the dim sconce lighting, intricate thatched roofing, large columns made of wood and a magnificently polished ecru stone floor_ – this place, albeit shrouded within the same mist they had just walked through, was a stunning display of simple architecture. Derek took Meredith's hand and led her along the middle of their side of the horseshoe – _her flip flops, flipped and flopped as she walked_ – and suddenly it was the only sound she could hear over the wild horses beating inside her chest cavity … and then she saw someone. A woman, simply elegant – _beautiful black hair, pulled back into a tight bun, accentuating her long, lean neck, flawless almond-brown skin and of course her perfectly beautiful smile_ – she was a vision of peace and serenity.

"Dr. Shepherd, Dr. Grey, I presume," she said slowly in perfect English. She smiled. "Come …," she said.

Meredith eyed Derek, but he only smiled as they followed the stunning woman with her perfectly square shoulders and narrow waist … her regal neck leading them all down the horseshoe, bypassing the interior garden as they turned left and headed into yet another stunning room.

"Your _'Zen cottage'_," she offered with a wave of her hand. She smiled genuinely. "Made, will be in shortly … we understand, Dr. Shepherd … you wanted some time to yourself first," she said, her voice soft, soothing and then she was gone.

Meredith turned to Derek. "Derek, what is this place?" she whispered into the inch or two between them, quite mystified now. Her heart banged gently against her chest, despite the calm and peaceful love she felt from Derek.

_For the 'Zen cottage' was a sanctuary of natural sounds and elements; the space was cloaked in rich hardwoods, but softened by delicate sconce light fixtures and woven wall hangings – two of which were 'gringsing' – Meredith smiled. The space was obviously designed to offer peace of mind with a simplistic style of clean lines and minimal patterning. It was truly remarkable and felt like another world entirely – which she thought might be the point – as she took a deep breath in and let her eyes wander further away until they fell on Derek again._

He realized hadn't answered her yet – _but he was_ _somewhat awestruck himself, the time was suddenly upon them, his heart raced in anticipation, hoping against all hope that Meredith would want this too_ – and for the moment, he didn't trust himself to say anything yet, so instead he led her toward a small coffee table made of dark, rich wood, around which sat some overstuffed cushions made from tan and ecru canvas. Mother Nature seeping into the space from the small anterior courtyard, complete with overgrown bamboo trees (_the trickle of a nearby water fountain was heard, but not seen_) and of course … the ever-present heavy white mist of the afternoon, although the sun was surely in descent now. The couple slipped their shoes off and sat down amongst the pillows.

"Meredith," Derek whispered, his voice crackling around the edges like a bonfire, his heart was nervous, but excited. "I want what you want," he smiled, leaning into her natural heat. "From this island, from our time here together – _you want more, I know that, you want to live how we are here_ – but you don't know how and neither do I," he sighed, watching her eyes become glassy like his. He leaned in and kissed her temple_, once, twice._ "Do you know how much I love you?" he asked, she was awestruck. "Because I cannot put that into words – _words would fall short _– but where words fail us, we connect in here …," he said, putting his hand over her heart, keeping his eyes locked on her misty green ones. _She moved his hand down to her belly. _He pressed his lips together. "Haven't we always been able to tell each other, to _show_ each other – _even when I made my mistakes, even when I chose wrong _– we were still … meant to be, connected, linked …," he sighed. Meredith cupped his face; small tears had begun their decent, covering her flawless skin. "And only when I surrendered to the core of my true self did I make the right choice, I was scared to live without you … and look what happened … _a miracle happened_," he breathed, small tears sprinkled along his cheeks as he pressed his hand over the baby.

"Oh Derek," she sighed, allowing herself to think about that night at the Prom – _the night when they lost themselves for that stolen moment in time_ – they connected and created … their own flesh and blood, suffused to one another, for now and for all time.

"And I don't want to forget that Meredith – _or this island, or our journey, or the people_ – or how I feel here with you …," he sighed. Meredith leaned in and found his eyes. She kissed his lips. "See … just like you, I want to take it all with me and I think we can – _but we need some help and so I did some research and I wanted to bring you here, up to the mountains and I wanted … no I __want__ to ask you_ – to ask you if …," he breathed, her essence, sweet and spicy hung in the air between them, he savored it, pressing it into his lungs for a beat.

"Ask me, Derek," she whispered, her voice, low and calm, her heart racing, pumping at capacity … her mind racing even faster into the future – _years and years away from this moment_ – to a time where they would still exist on a spiritual plane all of their own making.

"I signed us up for a five-day course in _Raja Yoga Meditation_, every evening at this time … we'll learn how to take our sense of peace with us – _wherever we go we'll have the principles of spiritual oneness, always and forever, we can close our eyes and come back here _– in our mind's eye and in our spirit and in our hearts …," he breathed, Owen's words zoomed into his mind, _'home is where the heart is'_, he smiled. "I don't want to give up seeing you this way Meredith – _your spirit is too beautiful for me to allow that_ – and I … I … _I need you to be true to yourself, to have the birth experience you want and deserve, to build a life with me as the woman you've become here_ … so …will you go on a real spiritual journey with me … will you enlighten me, my love?" he asked softly, pressing his lips to hers, tiny, salty pulses, _kiss, kiss, kiss_.

"Yes, yes …," she said against his mouth, a strong current of something ran through her entire body – _heat, to heat, to heat_ – as they cradled each other and soothed each other and held each other. "I love you, Derek … and I … _I never want to leave here_, but I know we have to …" she smiled, trying to focus on his eyes. "Thank you … for _getting_ me, for wanting this … _life_ … with me … _with us_," she sighed, tears gathered, her heart began to slow down. She took a deep breath and finally focused on the endless sea of his eyes.

_And in that moment, the world had officially stopped – neither one could say a word – words failed, but the spirit of 'them' soared high, encapsulating them, allowing them a moment to relish in the here and now … on that island in the middle of the ocean, the one that could have disappeared with the tsunami, but didn't … and neither did they. They were here, one to each other, aligned and in love for now and for all time._

"Words fail me right now … well … maybe not," she whispered, leaning closer she took his skull in her hands and held him there in the moment, smoothing his tears away. "The man you've grown into here is the man I truly fell in love with – _you've become a giver … of yourself, to me, to Wayan, to Ketut, to Owen_ – and I don't want you to give that up either, I love you so much … it hurts sometimes …," she sighed, her heart on fire now. "Always remember how full I am … of my love for you … _so full_ … so full it consumes me," she breathed as he gathered her in his capable arms and held onto her trembling form while she held on even tighter.

"I love you and this baby … there's nothing I wouldn't do for you," Derek said simply into her ear as he held her … his woman, his lifeline, his savior … and now his spiritual connector.

"Oh … and I love you and this miracle baby too," Meredith answered into his ear … her man, her lifeline, her savior … and now her spiritual connector.

_And as the couple basked within the energy of them – hearts and minds and eyes wide open now – on the precipice of yet another journey of fulfillment – the aura of their strong love for one another preparing them for the last part of their journey together on Bali – the part of their journey that would come to bind them in the true sense of the idea of mind, body and spirit … for now and forever. _

**Chapter 17 – Lucky – Part 3 of 4 to follow.**


	42. Chapter 17, Lucky, Part 3 of 4

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al. **

**Author's Note: Thanks for your lovely words of encouragement following my last post, I sincerely hope to hear from you all again, it means a lot to me. Enjoy!**

**Chapter 17 – Lucky – Part 3 of 4**

"_It illuminates my soul, is on fire."_

Having been awake for an hour already – _with Derek's predictable rhythm, breathe in, breathe out, no match for her swirling mind _– Meredith finally relented and slipped from bed. The sun would rise soon – _and surely the darker, more serious thoughts that seemed to encapsulate her at the moment_ – would fall away with it as it broke through the horizon.

Meredith picked up Derek's ecru linen shirt and slipped it on, not bothering to button it; she peeked at his sleeping form one more time and melted, just a little bit. She loved to watch him sleep, she imagined one day she would love watching their baby sleep this much too. Pure happiness coursed through her veins as she made that thought. She smiled again – _he was okay, restful, peaceful … he was happy_ – and with those thoughts, she stepped outside and into the cooler nighttime air, her feet reacting to the cooler tiles, not cold, just damp and cool.

She looked up and into the endless black sky – _the abundant twinkling stars, clearly visible, along with the bright crescent moon_ – she wrapped Derek's linen shirt around her waist and stepped further away from the door. She took a deep breath of the ever-fragrant air – _hibiscus, jasmine, gardenias still dominant, even with the smoky citronella from the perfectly-placed candle-torches_ – and she was home. She smiled; yes despite her wild mind, she was deeply happy and … she was home. She shook her head and wandered around the edge of the plunge pool and onto the lush green grass that seemed endless in the darkness. Her feet sank into rich the earth – _familiar and warm and wet and fresh and ancient_ – and right where she belonged … at home, for it was no secret to her that the earth had become as much a part of her as it was the foundation of the island on which she stood upon.

She made a circuit then, walking along the stone tiles, around the edge of the pool and back onto the grass – _tile, grass, tile, grass_ – now as she stole quick glances at her perfectly vivid reflection within the still water's surface.

_Perfectly vivid._

_A reflection of her spiritual self._

_Vividly perfect._

She made another round and came to stand along the boundary wall – _endless ribbons of rice paddies lay before her somewhere in the deep, black darkness_ – yes, they were there but she couldn't see them. _Seeing is believing._ Her hand fell to her belly – _'we're okay baby, you're okay baby'_ – the very small bloat of a curve was still there, the curve of the future was still there, one that she was thankful for – _and yet, a wave of uneasiness swept through her again_ – for she was at a crossroads in her spiritual journey, one that she knew she would have arrived at eventually, regardless of her exploration of meditation.

_For it was inevitable … her past – their past was meshing with their future – her future, which in some ways was the whole point of the journey to begin with and it left her pretty much where she had resided for weeks: in limbo._

Meredith sighed and rested her hands along the cold, damp stone of the wall in front of her. Soon she would see the rice paddies come alive before her eyes – _green, lush, life-giving plants glowing like fields of gold under the sun's bright morning light_ – soon she would see her way out, soon she would find clarity and peace of mind. _Soon they would have to leave the safety of the island._ Her breath twirled out and up – _breathe in, breathe out_ – she chanted silently. She closed her eyes and decided the only way to deal with how she was feeling would be to truly lean into her spirituality – _to_ _deal with it, to own it, to accept it and to finally surrender to it, reflect _– and then move on.

She opened her eyes and turned around. She made her way across the grass and pulled a towel from the back of a lounge chair. She folded it in half and laid it down along the head of the pool, to the left of the doorway to the suite, perfectly positioned to see the sunrise. She sat on top of it and with wide, accepting eyes she looked into the pool – _her peaceful, crystal clear reflection stared back at her, a bronzed statue of herself glowing in the citronella candlelight and smoke … nothing but smoke and mirrors _– she was at peace in the here and now on this island and in her heart and with Derek. This of course she knew – _she loved Derek with her whole self and he loved her with the same reverence and she would never doubt the power of 'them' again_ – but this wasn't about the _them_ as they were now … and she had to remember that – _it was their past_ – it was their miracle-baby's conception that was disquieting to her and she had to come to terms with it.

"_Across the water across the deep blue ocean, under the open sky oh my, baby I'm trying."_

And Meredith could do that – _deal with it_ – she had the tools, now all she had to do was open herself to the idea of setting herself free. She was calm and ready to surrender to the very essence of Raja yoga and meditation – _the means to experience peace of mind and a positive approach to life _– the aim to develop positive attitudes towards everyday life, to replace stress with a deep sense of peace and improve one's power, concentration, health and vitality.

She was calm and ready to explore spirituality and clear thinking and personal well-being, for this is what she needed … this is what _they_ needed – _what she and Derek felt here on this island the love and trust they basked in, the very essence of the 'them' they came to be _– this is what they craved to own and cherish and take with them for always and forever. And presently that's where they were headed … out of limbo and into ownership and it was a beautiful thing.

Except that part of arriving at that special place – _the place of spiritual alignment_ – meant dealing with the past (_which wasn't always a pretty picture for her and Derek_). It meant evaluating life decisions already made and accepting their outcome and more importantly learning to have compassion and understanding and tolerance for one's self. Tolerance, she sighed – _Derek was working on tolerance and forgiveness _– his call to Mark set the wheels in motion for accepting that part of his past and she was so proud of him for … surrendering, for leaning into his greater spiritual self and realizing his capacity to forgive.

Meredith sighed and thought about their latest lesson – _The Secrets of Karma_ – the law of cause and effect, which examines the motivations and intentions and the roots behind one's actions. The study of understanding that the present – _the here and now she loved so much_ – was a product of the past. In some ways it was nothing more than an opportunity to learn from their mistakes, which could be painful for a couple like them … their tumultuous past was something of a lesson alright!

Deep down, Meredith knew she had to deal with the recklessness and carelessness that led them to that night in the exam room all those months ago – _even if their baby was born of their actions_ – it didn't mitigate how self-involved they were and how self-involved they might seem to their child later in life. _It was true, her maternal instincts had kicked into overdrive and for reasons beyond her control she wanted to protect this small innocent life from anything that could cause harm, even their indiscretions._ She didn't want to let them off the hook. _Derek was married! Married to Addison._ And sometimes she just couldn't let facts rest.

Even though Meredith knew his marriage was over long before she became part of his life – _it still didn't make it right_ – no matter how she looked at it. And while she didn't want to make it right, while she didn't want to search for an excuse or some kind of _imaginary karmic loophole_ – _she did seek her own peace of mind_ – and she wanted to spiritually own that night so she could accept it, open herself to it and own it … and most importantly,_ birth this miracle baby with a clear conscience!_

"_I surrender myself to your presence and peace of mind."_

And on that thought, Meredith closed her eyes and pulled her back up – _vertebrae by vertebrae now_ – opening her mind and heart to the spiritual teachings she had begun to master. She let her physical self dissolve into her spiritual self and allowed herself to go to that place she had been tenaciously avoiding for quite some time – _that night, their night, their stolen moment, the beautiful night that changed everything_ – she had avoided it in some way ever since Derek arrived in Darwin and she showed him their miracle, ever since he accepted _them_ with open arms … she let her ambiguous feelings regarding the baby's conception fall away … _until now._

Her eyes fluttered and – _calm, peaceful tranquility was hers, running through her veins now_ – anxieties departed as she let herself sink deeper and deeper into the white darkness of her subconscious. Fractional images appeared – _Derek's ocean blue eyes, mud sliding, the bright yellow sun suspended in the cloudless sky, lush, green rice paddies, plentiful bamboo shoots, those mysterious green eyes, the perfect shape of almonds now_ – she watched as the images came and went, fading in and out like the sun peeking through thick passing clouds. She took a deep breath and listened with keen ear to Mother Nature's symphony – _she was almost there_ –a warm caress of something indescribable covered her like a blanket, her eyes fluttered open and in that moment, she had arrived, to that safe place, her safe place, that place she would learn to come back to over and over again … their _Zen cottage_.

Once there, she closed her eyes and listened to the sound of that invisible fountain – _the one she knew was just outside in the anterior courtyard, the one that was heard but not seen_ – like so many other things in life … _seeing was believing_. Her hand fell to her belly and heat radiated against her palm, _yes …seeing was believing and owning and surrendering,_ so she had no choice, but to _look_ back and examine their actions in that beautiful stolen moment all those months ago.

###

_The world around them dissolved the moment he followed her into the exam room. Her heart was already pounding into her ears by the time she turned around to face him again – having almost completely lost her capacity to breathe whilst still dancing Finn – she was hard-pressed to recover now … there was no turning back._

"_Meredith."_

_The moment he said her name she was … lost. Somehow transported back to a time when it was just the two of them, back in the darkness of her room – hiding away from the world and all its chaos – away from their secret pains, tucked safely away from the quiet, perfect storm raging all around them. And she wasn't going to deny it –it hurt like hell to be in that space again (that private world of pain) – to allow herself to feel the power of 'them'. So she did what she always did – she erected the wall of resistance – the one she had come to count on as she battled down the hatches in defense of the quiet storm of 'them'._

_And then she pleaded with him from inside those protective walls._

_"Just leave me alone."_

_He looked at her through the dark shadows of the room – his ocean-blue, soul-filled searching eyes staring back at her now – nothing but a reflection of hers … eyes full of pain and sorrow and loss … and deep love and concern._

_His spirit was cracked and so was his voice._

"_I just want to make sure you're all right."_

_But she wasn't all right, a fact they were both well aware of – so scared to admit it even to herself – she missed him, ached for him … needed him. And without warning – the quiet storm of 'them' began to flood the tiny room – and once again, she was on the precipice of being carried out to sea!_

_She was wasted. Wasted in a sea of confusion and her will to tread water was no match for the innate prowess he had when it came to her – for their souls were still bound together and that invisible fishing line, their tether was stronger than ever – she stealthily moved around the examination bed to avoid him, to put space between them … pulling, pulling, pulling on that tether now until it was a taut, angry cord of mock-resistance!_

_And in that moment, the storm waters rose – their fishing line still attached – so tight was their hold on one another that they would surely drown together before anything else would happen between them or around them._

_The water level crept up, up, up and Meredith could barely breathe – with him or without him – nothing worked without him! She was admittedly defeated – she was a shell, nothing but a casing – without him. She seethed. She was angry and irate and sad and empty and … betrayed, sadly this time too by her own self._

_And in that moment, that quiet raging storm swelled akin to the giant waves of the tsunami and swiftly filled the exam room up until she was drowning in pain and misery and sorrow and anger … and pure unadulterated self-loathing!_

_The levees broke. Her walls were dismantled, broken, swept out to sea … and suddenly only she remained. She was without protection._

_She shouted._

"_No! I'm not all right! Okay? Are you satisfied? I'm not all right! Because you have a wife and you call me a whore and our dog died and now you're looking at me! Stop looking at me!"_

_He said something – he wasn't looking at her, he couldn't seriously believe that – because he was! He … always … looked … at her! Even now amongst the dark shadows and filtered fluorescent light coming from the scans display, he found her! He always found her, the real Meredith – the private piece of herself she kept well-hidden – the one he saw in her … of course he was looking at her … and to say he wasn't … was nothing more than a bold-faced lie!_

_Nothing he said made sense – he was lying to himself and to her – and he had been for months! She was just trying to be happy, to find happiness and fulfillment, trying to find something or someone who would ease her pain and fill her up and consume her like Derek did!_

_But it was no use._

_She coached herself while she screamed back. Just think of Finn, rise above the water!_

_Leave the room!_

_Cut the cord!_

_Leave the room!_

_Break the chain – just break it off – she implored herself … but alas she couldn't move._

_She couldn't bear to do it – they were alone, they were screaming, they were … attached – somehow still connected and if her heart wasn't broken before, surely it would be now if she allowed herself to walk away from this defining moment of theirs._

_He was desperate to be heard. So she stayed. His eyes were glassy like a still lake. They circled the examination bed while he gathered speed for his gathering words – even with the small distance between them, the tie to their souls was stretched too thin now, so thin it was about to snap – their magnetic force would soon make them one again, with or without their consent._

_He shouted back._

"_Do you think I want to look at you? That I wouldn't rather be looking at my wife? I'm married! I have responsibilities. She doesn't drive me crazy. She doesn't make it impossible for me to feel normal! She doesn't make me sick to my stomach thinking about my veterinarian touching her with his hands! Oh, man, I would give anything not to be looking at you!"_

_His words swirled around with the rising waters with no place to go. Meredith turned her back on him and his power-hold over her. She stared at the outline of light that framed the door. The hallway … safety … was just outside._

_Walk away. Walk. Don't walk. Run. Run away._

_But she couldn't. She had no choice. The water level was already too high. She was surely drowning. All Meredith could hear was his breathing – in and out, in and out – and it taunted her, no different than many other high times of passion and orgasmic bliss for them._

_What was this anyway … foreplay? He was heated. She could __feel__ his heat. And all she wanted to do was lean into it. To surrender. Just surrender. So instead of walking away, she dared herself to turn around._

_And when she did, the world as they knew it stopped spinning and the floodwaters began to recede immediately._

_Desperations dissolved. _

_And there they stood. _

_Their fishing line slackened as their chests rose and fell from their heated exchange and out of control emotions. The power of 'them' – this insane energy they housed for one another was suddenly the air they breathed – it covered them like a canopy, protecting them from the outside world._

_The space was theirs. _

_The moment was theirs and Meredith watched as Derek paused for a beat inside of it before his eyes flickered. And in a flurry of movements, he lunged forward, drawing her into him, cradling her skull with his gentle healing hands._

_And that was all it took._

_One touch._

_One kiss._

_One taste._

_One look._

_One caress._

_That was all it ever took._

_His lips descended upon hers and without even thinking about it she embraced him and kissed him right back as if it were the most natural thing in the world for her to do. His fingers cradled her skull as she found her hands sweeping along the dark wool fabric of his suit jacket, holding on for dear life, trying so hard not to slip out to sea with the rest of the debris of the storm of 'them', trying so, so hard not to melt from the mere feeling of his warm, wet lips upon hers._

_There was no mistaking it – he was hungry for her – and he felt so good, so capable and oh so familiar. And that was all she ever wanted it seemed – the essence of him, though he tasted bittersweet now – his kiss, his touch, the scent of his arousal, the one she knew … intimately. She missed him, more than she ever should have, but sometimes when he looked at her – just as he was right at this very moment – she saw __him__, the real him, the man she fell in love with … the man who also fell in love with her._

_And so she let herself accept his advances as a tribute to that love – his raw, carnal need still evident (one that was matched tenfold by her) – and there in that acceptance she lapped at his tongue as their lips smacked together for those first couple of kisses with his hands in her hair and her hands in his – caressing, cradling and loving now again – like no time had passed._

_Because time was suspended all of a sudden._

_And so very much like her dreams – when time was suspended within her subconscious – Meredith let him take the lead and found herself slipping onto the examination bed while Derek stepped in between her legs. Because time had been suspended and this is what it felt like when it was just him and just her … just them, like nothing else mattered. _

_She met his eyes and found that twinkle there before his lips came down on hers again – and in a fury of new life-giving kisses – any thought about right or wrong simply disappeared because she needed him and not only in a sensual sense, but in a way that it 'made perfect sense' – like a warm baguette with butter or spaghetti with homemade red sauce – they made perfect sense to each other and it was as simple as that._

_Right or wrong now, there was no turning back, and time (in the here and now) was indeed suspended all of a sudden as Derek planted his lips on her skin relentlessly, while she did nothing to stop him. His hands in her hair, his hot breath fanning her face, neck and earlobes, he was a force … and with every kiss he swept across her flesh a spark of life was ignited within her core, for he was the eye of the storm._

_Seconds ticked by, or maybe it was minutes, but time was of no consequence as the pieces of the puzzle – those small pieces of each other that were swept under the carpet during their separation were finally brought back together – fitting just as precisely and perfectly as they always did. Lost within the thought of blissful oblivion, Meredith pumped her lips over her long lost lover's, cherishing his plump nerves with hers, claiming him, making him hers again … if only for this one last time._

_It all happened so fast, too fast for her taste, for Meredith would have much rather had him in slow motion, but like so many other times, they had a life all their own – a speed all their own, blissfully slow or fast, whatever the need was – they always came together and delivered optimal results for one another … they understood one another in this respect –in the bedroom, within the private world of theirs – they always got one another and this night was no different. They understood. They seized the opportunity. And oh, what an opportunity it was._

_Derek leaned back and over Meredith, his hungry wet lips all over her available skin as he reached under her dress and slipped her panties down, down, down until she was freed of the restrictive scrap of fabric while she had no choice but to anchor herself on him, to hold him, to cradle his neck and head, her legs around his trim waist … her sex wafted up and into the air, hanging there like sap to a tree._

_His lips as relentless as hers now – hungry, starved – she reached up and pulled his on the collar of his jacket, he let it slide to the ground. His warm hands found the flesh of her arms and he held her there for a split second, his lips still kissing, kissing, kissing, her chest heaved, her clit raged on and her nipples tightened._

_His tongue swept across hers and time was once again suspended as Meredith's fingers found the perfect knot of his tie and attempted to release him from the chokehold of the silk fabric noose before she abandoned the idea and moved her hands down and loosened his belt buckle instead._

_She sighed as Derek ducked his head down and kissed the valley of her cleavage, his wild locks tickling her neck and chin as he went down, down, down for a beat, his lips descending now as she wordlessly offered herself to him, all the while, she kept a tight hold on his skull. His lips moving up to her neck again now as he brushed his familiar finger over her clit before he slipped it into her soaked pussy – she wanted him, if he had a second thought about that before, he surely knew the answer now – there was no mistaking it (for either of them), she was hot, wet and completely on fire from her need of this man. He groaned into her ear, her small gasp filled the air above them as he removed his finger and pulled her even closer to him._

_Heat consumed her now – passionate kisses and wet pussy aside – she wanted him, wanted to feel him in her hands. Without another thought, Meredith reached down and released the button on Derek's trousers before she swiftly pulled the zipper down. His cock tented his boxers, he was hard for her, her clit pulsed, all she wanted was to feel him – the warm, velvety skin that somehow encased his virile manhood – her mouth watered, her pussy drenched and clenched at the thought. Reaching in, she took hold of him and pushed his boxers down over his perfect ass._

_Derek groaned as she eagerly pumped his hot, ready cock. His sighs filled the air along with the smacking of their lips, the soundtrack for the moment. His cock twitched in her palms as she fisted him, he moaned and pulled her hair back, pressing wet kisses to her neck and clavicle now while she held on tight and he finally slipped into her – skin on skin, muscles around muscle, soul to soul – and in that moment, she allowed herself to become whole once again, she coveted him. _

_And therein, she allowed him to enter her and heal her wounds – those wounds he created – while he filled her up in the only way he knew how at the time … without words._

_Finally together, finally finishing the stunning glory of the puzzle of 'them' – fitting like no other man before him and no other man since – he was hers and he made sure to tell her just that as he pulsed slow and easy, long and hard and everything in between. Yes, he was hers, she was his – and he said as much over and over and over again with his soulful eyes and ownership of her mind, body and spirit! _

_He took her spirit. She took his spirit._

_(They were one to each other at long last.)_

_It was raw. It was hot._

_(He gave of himself, freely. She gave of herself, freely.)_

_It was animalistic. They were in survivor-mode._

_(Except it was so much more than that.)_

_Because along with the releasing of months of pent-up desires and untamed kisses there was this … moment._

_A defining moment when time did in fact stop and Meredith knew that she would never forget this fractional moment as long as she would live. That she would hold it in her mind's eye and in her heart and soul and she would always carry it with her – maybe because she felt like this was it, the last time they would make love and that __this__ time she wanted to remember it – or maybe it was because of the stunning beauty of her once-lover's face, or his indelible eyes or his naked truth or his untamed desire for her, but no matter what it was … it was the moment she would take with her for always and forever because it was a moment born out of pure love, not just lust – but adoration and worship – it was all-consuming love, pure and simple … love, love, love._

_And inside that moment, their eyes met in between a fury of rapid pulses – Derek slipping in and out of their well-lubricated machine – his eyes locked on hers, both were awestruck under the spell of 'them'. Meredith reached up and ran her fingertips along Derek's gorgeous hairline, softly, gently she caressed his face, unwilling and unable to look away._

_And there it was, time had stopped, for she was in awe of his perfect beauty as his orgasm rose in crescendo. Tears gathered in her eyes – 'I love you, I love you still, remind me, remind me Derek' – she pleaded silently and he did just that … for he was close and so was she._

_A__nd as he tenaciously made love to her – she lost herself and gave of herself and found herself all at the same time – she surrendered to the deep power of 'them' and so did he as they finally gave in to what their hearts had wanted all along … one another._

_Growling as he came, Derek pulsed his long hard cock deep into her depths, her muscles baring down, claiming him, owning him and his precious seeds of life – finally, finally, finally coming together again – in what would become the most beautiful of cherished moments._

_As their bodies relaxed in a heap upon the examination table, Derek pressed his lips over Meredith's dewy flesh – still kissing, still hungry for her, still submersed within her – his delicious cock twitching, almost slipping free, except she held on tighter, willing him to stay there – 'stay with me, pick me, choose me, love me' – it was all she could think as they caressed each other's hairlines and became lost within the sea of bliss – together, finally together – for now and all time inside this one moment._

_Later Derek would ask her what it all meant – but she would find no words, she loved him still … and he loved her, those were the facts – and she knew something magical happened within those cherished moments, but she had no way to describe what it meant for her – to have him, to make love to him, to feel the miracle of his perfect fit inside of her – no, she had no words … so she didn't answer._

_###_

And she understood now why she didn't. For their intensity was too great – _their connection had transcended above words_ – because it was truly one of mind, body and spirit. _Spirit._ And on that thought, Meredith Grey allowed herself to believe in the principles of karma and see what was there between them all along – _what was intrinsically 'them'_ – what there was no need to study: _soul mate love_.

_And therein she came to believe that this baby was conceived from nothing less than their limitless connection because a love that great transcended above all else to cultivate itself and in their case to create, to procreate and pay tribute to the beautiful power of 'them'._

_She was his._

_He was hers._

_The baby was theirs._

_And as soon as she let herself own that last idea; that this baby was indeed made from their undeterred love, she saw and felt it through a spiritual awakening._

For in that moment her hand fell to her belly – _still safe within the walls of the Zen cottage, a sweet breeze whipped through enclave, Derek's ecru shirt blew and open she looked down_ – and there before her eyes was her belly … all of a sudden swollen and big and round and full of the life of them! She ran her hands along her stretched skin – _'our miracle, our baby, our love for one another'_ – was all she could think as fever pricked her skin and the _Zen cottage_ fell away and the permeation of their love was all that remained inside the moment.

_Meredith opened her eyes and the reflective moment was gone, but not forgotten._

She peered into the water and there sat her perfectly vivid reflection – _still vividly perfect only now spiritually ready to accept the laws of karma_ – teaching her that everything she and Derek had gone through, both together and apart from one another had indeed put them right here, right now – _armed with all-consuming love for one another and their baby, their flesh and blood_ – as they ritualistically basked in the power and energy of _them_.

Heat consumed her, pooling at her core now as she uncrossed her legs and dipped her feet into the cool water in front of her. She slowly kicked her feet back and forth, the cold water slipped in between her toes. She let the sensation travel up her spine – _she passed her hands along her belly _– and smiled at what she knew all along, that this baby was indeed created out of love and necessity and passion and most importantly … _without regret._ The cool water lapped at her calves now and a small gust of the colder mountain air moved along the garden, her nipples puckered and she leaned back on her hands and watched as the sun slowly crept above the boundary wall.

And as she watched the world wake up, she decided right here, right now that she would never look back upon that moment in time – _that beautiful stolen moment of creation_ – unless it was to remember that she and Derek were spiritually aligned and had come together to because they were meant to, and it was a beautiful thing.

She smiled on the truth and shook her head. And later, sometime soon – _when the time was right_ – she would ask Derek for one small thing on behalf of their child – _well, it wasn't small_ … _no … it was huge _ – but it would be the one thing she would need in order to protect this creation of life and truly make it … _theirs._

"_I keep you with me in my heart."_

###

Derek rolled over – _the thin satin sheet clung to his skin while karma clung to his heart and soul and everything in between_ – his dream still percolating through his mind, he dare not move for fear of losing it. He squeezed his eyes shut and pressed his body deeper into the firm mattress.

"_What does this mean?"_

_(He asked, except he already knew what it meant … to him.)_

He opened his eyes. Turned his head and saw he was alone. His heart skipped a beat. Where was she? His eyes scanned the perimeter, long dark shadows danced along the expansive suite – _the flickering lights filtering inside from the citronella candles, adding a sense of intrigue and mystery he hadn't noticed before_ – he watched the shadows' movements with interest now as his mind wandered back to that last cognitive thought before he woke – _his dream of reflection_ – the moment he often found himself pondering …the moment he liked to call the _'moment of truth'_. Derek closed his eyes to reclaim the moment one last time.

_The soft timbre of her plea funneled into his mind and he was back in that exam room – his karma staring him in the face, sparring with him – he stood his ground._

"_Leave me alone."_

_But he couldn't._

_(She knew that.)_

_And he wouldn't._

_(She knew that too.)_

_Neither one made a move._

_(There was no turning back.)_

_And for whatever reason – perhaps to fulfill their destiny, their fate – Derek watched as Meredith miraculously allowed herself to connect with him … he watched her rationalize; he watched her make sense of it … he watched her surrender! And there inside that moment, they were aligned, for he was doing the same thing for Christ's sake!_

_She screamed, then he screamed – and he watched her green eyes fill with anger and fear and sadness – and for as long as he lived, Derek vowed he would never forget that tormented, foreboding sea that was somehow wedged deep within Meredith's eyes as he entered her warm, awaiting depths._

_He would also never forget how mystified he was as he watched that storm recede while she clamped down around him with all of her might. She swallowed him whole as he slipped in and out of her in perfect harmony. It took everything Derek had not to devour her – to hold her captive – for they were finally aligned in mind, body and spirit and it was a beautiful thing._

Derek opened his eyes, admittedly his heart was beating faster and his nerve-endings were taut, stretched, but not angry – _for he had long-since owned the action he took that night_ – the night he reclaimed his life as his own, the night he would come to conceive of more than just his own future. _Karma._ And after he found out about the baby – _the miracle of 'them'_ – it only solidified his wonderment of those precious stolen moments even more.

_What did it mean?_

_(They were meant to be.)_

_Where was she?_

Derek sat up, swung his legs over the side of the bed and rested his feet flat against the cooler marble tiles. The cold, yet damp morning air attacked his naked skin. He ran his hands through his hair, looked up and noticed the door leading to the patio-garden was ajar. He stood, forgoing the idea of slipping his pants on as he made his way there in the dim light.

Peeking through the glass he saw her – _his lover, his everything_ – meditating, radiating the silent beauty of her, soothing, healing … and owning whatever karmic moment she was reflecting upon. He smiled – _she was beautiful, wearing only one of his linen shirts, her growing breasts and belly uncovered, her wrists perched upon her knee caps, her palms facing up_ – her face, relaxed, her golden tresses moving in the variable wind.

She looked like an angel just then as the sky became a shade lighter, her reflection in the plunge pool a perfect replica – _the smoke from the citronella candles, shrouding her ever so slightly_ – while the sun began to shine new light on his woman. He was awestruck and pretty much breathless and he watched with interest as her hands fell to her belly – _silently connecting to the baby_ – while her face and muscles remained calm and full of peace. And in that moment, his wish effectively came true, for this was all he ever wanted for Meredith and so much more – _her peace and happiness and spiritual fulfillment _– a chance for her to own her past and her future. He closed his eyes for a beat and opened them again – _she was still there, right where he left her_ – he pressed his palms against the cool window and found her in his reflection – _and within that space, he saw a new vision_ – one of the future; one that somehow had meshed with the here and now.

"_Don't underestimate this precious time."_

_Meredith was perched along the water's edge at home – their home – the cabin in the background, Doc's gravesite in the foreground (their history, their cherished connector), a brand new day shimmering across the glass of the water's surface – and Meredith, his sweet woman, shrouded in a parka, her hair flowing like a wild halo in the morning wind – meditating – yes, the vision – this glimpse at the future was perfectly vivid … vividly perfect. His heart soared to new heights. Karma, it certainly had its own way, its own will – plus the power of their love – if nothing else was living proof of karmic existence, at least there was that._

Derek sighed and reluctantly turned away from Meredith. He would leave her be, heading to the kitchen-bar, he switched the flood lights on and instantly the suite was delicately illuminated, just one movement on the dimmer and the sleek lines of the kitchen-bar sparkled in the soft, aesthetically-placed light. He took the kettle from the stove, filled it with bottled water and set it on the stove to boil.

Taking the gallon jug of water with him, he headed to the bathroom where he peed, washed his hands and brushed his teeth, surveying his appearance as he did (knowing his mother wouldn't know what to make of him)_ – with his out of control long and wild hair, almond-tanned skin that had replaced the pasty-winter-white he sported in Seattle, his eyes worry-free_ – he leaned down and filled the cup with water, rinsed his mouth and patted his face dry. He smiled at his reflection; the kettle's harsh whistle screamed out in the background, Derek sighed and headed to prepare what had become their new morning ritual … jasmine tea and sliced mango.

The sticky draft clung to his skin as he padded across the floor to let the kettle rest, he turned the heat off and all was quiet and peaceful again. He filled two earthenware mugs with water and got to work, adding just enough jasmine tea leaves to two infusers, before he rested them in the mugs. Having gotten this down to a science, the tea would be perfectly seeped by the time he had sliced one mango. He grabbed a knife and the ripest mango and went to work. Setting everything down on a small round tray now, he added some honey to Meredith's mug, removed the infusers and made his way to his lover.

He stood just inside the doorway for half of a beat, watching Meredith take a couple of deep breaths before her eyes fluttered open – _her gateways sparkling now in the new sunlight_ – she uncrossed her legs and dipped her feet in the plunge pool. She smiled slightly as a cloak of solitude seemed to cover her, she began to swing her feet in the water and only then did he slide the door open. Her eyes found his. Derek smiled from his spot and did she.

"_I feel your whisper across the sea."_

He stepped over the threshold and set the tray down beside her before he sat down on the towel next to her. Heat radiated. The lovers woke up.

"Hi," he whispered, leaning in, wanting nothing more than to kiss her heart-shaped mouth, his hand found her belly, his fingers danced along her beautiful skin.

"Hi," she answered in the same soft tone, she leaned into his heat and kissed him, pumping his nerves, _once, twice._

"Hmm, I love you," he said in between kisses. "You look so hot in my shirt," he teased, with a low chuckle, his desire for her truly, beyond insatiable now as he reached over and cradled her skull in his hands.

_Hot jasmine tea wafted up and into the air – mingling now with Meredith's essence, citronella, hibiscus and gardenia, lest he forget … mango, mango, mango – another beautiful morning on Bali. He smiled into her mouth as she giggled._

"I think I've created a monster," she giggled, kissing him once more for good measure. "I love you too," she whispered.

Derek smiled. "Do you want to swim with me while this cools?" he asked, motioning to the steamy mugs.

"I'm good, you go ahead," she answered softly, kissing his cheek.

"Tired?" he asked, her cheeks were pink.

"No, no … just relaxed," she smiled into his heat, pulling back now she found his sparkling, mischievous eyes and the world as she knew it fell away.

Without a word, Derek slipped into the cool water. He disappeared under the surface and Meredith watched as he swam with precision to the other end. She had to admit, the man was gorgeous. She shook her head, laws of karma aside, sometimes she just couldn't believe they made it; in spite of everything … they made it – _to this place, a world apart from the world they once knew_ – in all ways quite literally, figuratively and now spiritually.

She slipped a piece of mango into her mouth and chewed happily as she relaxed into her lover's movements and sighed into the bright morning sky. _Half the time she wanted someone to pinch her awake as she wondered, had her dreams really become her life and would those dreams continue to cultivate once they left this safe-haven? _In a matter of days, they would come find out and hopefully – _hopefully_ – they would have enough family ties and reminders, both tangible and spiritual to bring them back here – _to this place_ – whenever they needed to _reconnect._ She popped another piece of the fleshy fruit into her mouth.

_Derek darted through the cool, salt water pool and effectively woke up – he didn't know how they were going to do it – he stroked with precision, how the hell were they going to transition away from this way of life, spiritual awakenings aside … he wondered how they were going to manage. The cool water pricked his skin with every stroke he made, coming to the end of the pool; he rolled over and swam back to Meredith. They would manage, they just had to remain spiritually connected – they were partners, they could take the reality of their life here on Bali and make it into something, this he was sure of – they had both changed and grown and … survived and that had to count for something. He approached the edge of the pool, Meredith's feet just in front of him._

He came through the water's surface and heard her giggle as he popped up in between her legs. He moved the water from his eyes and found her gateways sparkling with amusement. "Now you're not the only one who's wet," he teased breathlessly, resting his forearms on her warm thighs. She giggled.

"How do you know I'm wet?" she countered, leaning down, she pumped his salty, wet lips.

"Hmm, you taste good," he commented, taking her tongue into his mouth, he kissed her senseless, moving his hand up to her neck, he held her there – _pumping his lips over hers again and again and again_ – unwilling to pull away. Temperatures rose and so did the unmistakable essence of her sex_ ... hmm, salty and sweet, _perfectly balanced.

"Okay, you win," she said into his mouth.

_In one fluid movement, he slipped the linen fabric from her shoulders and she slipped into the water with her lover. Her legs found his waist where they stayed as he took her out into the pool, nothing but cool water flowed between them now. No need for words, the lovers floated together – skin on skin, muscle to muscle, eye to eye, spirit to spirit, lips to lips to lips – as the morning sun rose higher and higher into the already blue sky. Derek ducked down and pressed tiny wet kisses to Meredith's neck and clavicle, while she sighed into the air all around them. Her nipples puckered, flesh against flesh, there was nothing quite like it. Heat pooled in her core, she pressed her pussy to Derek's abdomen._

_Derek kissed her, lapping at her mango-infused tongue, the cool water no match for his rising body temperature and his twitching cock. He held Meredith, her legs still wrapped around his waist, her hands flanking his skull as they kissed and kissed, welcoming another beautiful day – Saturday, Saturday, a new day, a new week – he smiled inwardly and a wave of excitement passed over him. He ran his fingertips along Meredith's hairline and smiled as he found her eyes._

"_From you I draw no doubts deep inside."_

"So … do you want to talk about it?" he whispered for her ears only, because this is what he wanted, he wanted the spiritual journey and he wanted Meredith to remember they were in it together.

"Hmm ... karma ... it's a hard one for ... us," she sighed with a knowing smile, her thoughts drifting to their night of conception again. Meredith pressed her lips over his, pulsing for a beat.

"It doesn't have to be ...we just have to own it, what we've done, accept ourselves," Derek whispered, before massaging her tongue with his for a beat. He held her closer and moved through the cool waters, rocking and lulling his woman, anything to make her feel better.

_Derek dipped them lower into the water, his shoulders just above the water's surface now, ducking down, he planted his lips around Meredith's right nipple, swirling his tongue around the delicious protruding nub, he felt Meredith relax into his heat, becoming heavier in his arms – hmm, salty and sweet, perfectly balanced – she tasted so damn good. His cock twitched, he raised his head and found her eyes._

"I keep thinking about that night – _the prom, the conception_ – you know how I feel ...," he sighed.

"Me too," Meredith whispered. "And I know how you feel ... _a miracle happened_ … _our baby ..._ _ours_," she sighed, her heart raced, she wrapped her body tighter around Derek's, heat to heat.

"I ... that night was my new beginning, even with the mistakes I made afterwards, walking away again ...," his voice trailed off as he thought about how many different pinnacles that night represented for him, his pressed his lips against her neck, suddenly lost within her aura. "I would never give that night up, I would never take it back – _the karma of it all_ – I mean ... all of it put us here – _right here on this island_ – and like you said in Darwin, we can't change our history ... and you like where we are," he reminded her, finding her glassy eyes.

"_Love,_ Derek ... I _love_ where we are," she replied softly, flanking his skull in her hands, her fingers submersed in his wet locks. "And when I think about that night now ... I think about this one moment," she sighed, a vision of Derek funneled into her head – _silk noose still around his neck, his cock sinking into her depths_ – she smiled and held on tighter, pressing her pussy to his abdomen. Derek caught her eyes.

"Own it Meredith," Derek encouraged, his eyes never leaving hers.

"I do Derek ... I do, because within this one millisecond in time ... _I saw you, the real you_ – _the only man I ever allowed myself to fall in love with_ – and when I think of that moment ...," she paused, _God, she loved him so much_, her heart raced. She smiled and kissed her man. "It's just ... it was just the two of us, _it was ours_, right where we were supposed to be ... and it makes everything worth it and somehow the deception of the moment ... disappears and all that's left is ... the conception of us," she sighed deeply.

"I love you and I'm so proud of you," Derek soothed, cradling her in his arms, he began to move them through the cool water again, the sky, brighter now, the new day was upon them.

"Sometimes ...," Meredith sighed, looking around their beautiful enclave, inhaling the sweet air. "None of this feels real – _it's too gorgeous to be real_ – or something," she giggled. "I mean, look where we are!" she exclaimed softly.

"Too perfectly beautiful ...," Derek said before he pulsed his wet lips over hers_, mango and salt, salt and mango._

"Yes ... and we're ...," her voice died off in another kiss.

"What?" Derek asked against her mouth.

"Tragically beautiful ... or we _were_ ...," she smiled.

"And now ...," Derek encouraged.

"Just beautiful," she mused with another smile.

Derek dipped them deeper into the water again, Meredith slipped under the surface, her fuller breasts floating free. Derek began to walk them to the stone steps at the end of the pool.

"Our life is real Meredith, whether we're here or not ...sometimes seeing and hearing _are_ believing," he said softly, the water moving all around them.

"I know, I know ...," she sighed, her hand coming between them, moving across her belly.

Derek reached the steps; Meredith unclasped her feet and stood on the first step. Derek kissed her and made his way out of the water. He grabbed two fresh towels and held one out for Meredith. She wrapped it around herself.

"_As the world keeps spinning round, you hold me right here right now."_

"Come ... lets make it real," he said softly, draping his arm around her dewy shoulders.

"Okay …," Meredith smiled, raising her brow as Derek knelt down and picked up their tray ... their mugs of tea, now the perfect temperature.

"It's Saturday," he announced as Meredith slid the door open. She smiled widely.

"It is," she agreed, closing the door on the magical world surrounding them, all was quiet.

Meredith watched Derek as she dried her body off, her skin pricked now from the cooler air inside. Derek headed to her bedside table and set the tray down. He caught her eyes and thumbed through the small collection of pregnancy books to find their weekly one.

"Hmm...," he turned to find his lover, his heart raced. "Who says we have to wait until tonight?" he said softly, holding the book out for her, she took it from him and pecked his lips with hers. "Get into bed, I'll be right back," he said with a mischievous wink.

_Meredith dropped her towel to the floor and got into bed, pulling the satin sheet up, covering her breasts. She lay back against her pillow and the headboard, her hand instinctually found her belly – rub, rub, tiny circles now – as she found their book-marked page ... thirteen weeks ... thirteen weeks. She sighed with relief, one trimester down, two to go. Derek returned with the small box – their gift from Larissa and Peter, the Doppler, the moment of truth – he placed it on his bedside table, a small flutter coursed through her body. She wondered again if Larissa and Peter had their miracle moment too, she could only hope they did. Derek dropped his towel and slipped into bed beside her; she rolled onto her side and into his heat._

He kissed her lips. "Are you reading or am I?" he asked softly.

"You ...," she said softly. "I might not make it through," she sighed, feeling her emotions rise, she met his gaze.

"Okay," he smiled. "Thirteen weeks," he sighed, taking the open book from Meredith. He held her hand and began to read the short passages.

"_Your baby's organs and veins are now visible through his thin skin and the size of his body is beginning to catch up with the remarkable size of his head. And though your baby's head is about half the size of its body now, by the time your baby is born, his head will be only one-fourth the size of his body. Your baby weights about an ounce and is almost three inches long. He is about the size of a small peach._

_Entering your second trimester – your risk for miscarriage decreases considerably – a welcome relief for most expectant mothers and milestone worth celebrating. A lion's share of the fetal development has come to a close now and as such, both morning sickness and fatigue continue to dissipate and as a result, many women notice their sex drives are propelled into 'overdrive', which is definitely another milestone worth celebrating."_

Derek pursed his lips and looked up to find Meredith's shining eyes. Her free hand still laced with his. He closed the book and pushed it down to the foot of the bed before he heard her infectious giggle. He looked up to find Meredith's beet-red face, her head thrown back as fits of laughter consumed her. She gasped for air, but all Derek caught was _'overdrive'._ He chuckled, that book was funnier than hell, considering how much sex they seemed to be having – _how they couldn't seem to keep their hands off one another _– he surveyed Meredith again God, she was stunning and happy … happier than he ever remembered! He laughed along with her, pulling her closer to him while she laughed and laughed.

"Who are they kidding?" Derek asked in between their fits of giggles, Meredith's body shook in his arms; tears trickled down her face.

"I don't know … I know …," she laughed, trying to catch her breath, fever pricked her skin.

"They obviously never met you!" he teased.

She sighed, trying now to catch her breath; she braced herself against her lover. "Or _you _– _you created this monster_ – don't blame it all on me!" she laughed breathlessly. She kissed her lover.

"Oh, trust me, I'm not complaining," he husked, her aura encapsulating him now. "I happen to love the pregnancy sex … it's more …," he said seriously, moving his hand along her jaw line. She leaned into his touch.

"Intense," Meredith answered breathlessly, her heart calming down from her outburst; her skin was pricked with heat.

"And real … it's real Meredith," Derek whispered, he kissed her swollen lips. She pulled back, her gaze met his – _she calmed down_ – her body temperature continued to normalize.

"I love you," she said simply, pressing a chaste kiss to his neck, then passing her lips lower, covering his heart muscle now.

"Hmm," he sighed. "And I love you," he replied softly. Meredith pulled back, Derek's hand found her belly. "And this … little … peach," he sighed happily. Meredith giggled. His eyes met hers. "So … are you ready to do this?" he asked, he watched her eyes soften.

"Yes," Meredith choked out, emotions already running high.

"Me too," he said, reaching behind him, he grabbed the small box from his bedside table.

Meredith sat up a bit and then reclined back. Derek sat to her side with his left knee jack-knifed as he lifted the Doppler from the box. He handed it to Meredith and fished a small plastic bottle of ultrasound gel from the box. Meredith turned the Doppler on. The small device came to life, she checked the connectivity. _It was hard to believe this small thing had that much power ... the power to offer so much._ She smiled and her eyes met Derek's.

Derek held the plastic bottle up. "Now Meredith, this might be cold," he said in his best _doctor-voice_. He chuckled.

"Lame," she teased; he laughed and squirted a bunch of gel from her belly button to just above her pubic bone.

"The instructions said to use _'a generous amount,' _here, let me see the probe," he said softly, meeting her eyes. She held the probe out and he applied some gel there too.

"Ready?" he asked, his heart raced.

"Yeah," she said, handing the Doppler to Derek, her heart raced.

"_Your eyes are wider than before."_

Derek placed the Doppler probe on Meredith's abdomen, just below her belly button and began to move the probe slowly – _rocking it gently_ – back and forth, back and forth, making sure not to miss any part of her belly as he went. _His eyes met hers, soul to soul, he smiled. Her eyes were glassy, she was beautiful._ He applied gentle pressure, rocking back and forth again as he moved the probe lower down the center of Meredith's abdomen to just above her pubic bone. There was nothing but static for a moment until the faint sound of a heartbeat began to come through the small speaker. Derek turned the volume up and applied more pressure, moving the probe just a fraction until he found it.

"Derek," Meredith whispered, unable to say more while the magical sound of the baby's heartbeat echoed in the small space between them – _whump, whump, whump_ – it sounded like a horse race … hundreds of wild horses, it was life … it was breathtaking … it was another pinnacle!

_whump, whump, whump, whump, whump, whump_

"One hundred and sixty beats per minute," Derek said softly, tears gathered in his eyes. "I … oh my God …it's …," his voice trailed off when his eyes met Meredith's.

_whump, whump, whump, whump, whump, whump_

"Ours," she whispered, cupping his face with her hand.

_whump, whump, whump, whump, whump, whump_

"Ours," he choked over the word and Meredith became blurred around the edges. He blinked and released those waiting tears.

_whump, whump, whump, whump, whump, whump_

"Amazing … our baby is … amazing … so strong, Derek …do you hear that … so strong," she sighed, pressing the memory of the moment deep into her core, her soul. She never wanted to forget, never … ever.

_whump, whump, whump, whump, whump, whump_

"I could listen to this forever ...," Derek said, holding his hand steady. "I love you ... so much," he said, rocking the probe over the baby – _his eyes trained on the beautiful plane of Meredith's belly, tears pricked his eyes, 'baby, I love you, I love you'_ – he sighed silently as he tried to keep enough gel on the probe to maintain their connection with the baby.

_whump, whump, whump, whump, whump, whump_

"I love you too," Meredith sighed deeply. "Forever and ever," she said as she relaxed into the moment. "Press the record button … please," she whispered – _awestruck, completely awestruck_ – and so he did.

_whump, whump, whump, whump, whump, whump_

_She found Derek's eyes in the bright morning light and there they stayed for a moment in time – new parents, new baby, old lovers, old souls – for now and forever, lost and then found on an island in the middle of the ocean, thousands of miles away from where they first met – with a connection stronger than they ever imagined – recording now the evidence of their unbeatable love as it echoed in the space all around them._

_whump, whump, whump, whump, whump, whump_

Derek clicked the button again. "I should add more gel, it will help if you still want to listen," he sighed, pressing his lips together, _'our baby, our baby'._ "I … this is our child … _ours _… I can't get over it … we're blessed," he muttered, tears pricked his eyes … still amazed by the sound, still amazed by the miracle of them.

_whump, whump, whump, whump, whump, whump_

"We are … we are … kiss me," Meredith whispered – _watching now as her lover, her everything_ – fell in love with their baby again. And with that surge of energy she all of a sudden needed more than just his kiss, she needed the air from his lungs … she needed more of him _– more than the baby_ – just more. "Turn it off and kiss me … make love to me," she whispered, feeling the need to get lost in him.

_whump, whump, whump, whu …_

Derek turned the device off and all was quiet – _except for their raging hearts_ – yes, all was how they left it just moments ago …quiet and peaceful and serene. He reached over her and placed the Doppler on her bedside table. He spied her towel on the floor and grabbed it. His lips and tongue found hers as he gently wiped the remaining gel from her belly, before he draped his leg over her thighs and held her there inside that cherished moment – _kissing and caressing and caressing and kissing, skin on skin and heart to heart_ – connected for all time.

"_So little has changed, but your eyes now see much more."_

Meredith tenaciously kissed her lover then – _it was as if she would never be afforded the opportunity again, she was starved for him, she craved him like some kind of forbidden fruit … overdrive, overdrive, overdrive_ – yes, she needed him … _all of him_. Meredith pulled away first, she found her lover's eyes as his hand found her belly. She rested her hand on top of his and smiled. He plucked her swollen lips again, her heart raced, matching the reverberating – _whump, whump, whump_ – that filled her mind.

"Derek … I …," she sighed breathlessly into his mouth – _she lost her words … words had failed her this time_ – deciding she would show him, she brushed her free hand along his cock as she brought his hand down to her pussy and pressed his fingers over her engorged clit.

_Without a word, Derek kissed Meredith senseless, massaging her fleshy nub with his thumb as he went – rub, rub, rub – hmm, she felt so good! He pulled back to look at her – the morning sun cast bright triangles of light across the suite – her wild green eyes sparkled … she was so alive … so well! _

_She locked her gaze on his before he began nipping at her sweet flesh again in earnest, down, down, down he pressed his mouth over her beautiful nipples – back and forth, he volleyed – nip, nip, suck, suck, flick, flick, finally blowing on the hard peaks before he moved up to her neck and attacked her hot, prickly skin there. Meredith took his skull in her hands and moved his mouth over hers, she lapped at his tongue as he positioned himself in between her legs, her hot pussy rubbed against his abdomen – he simply could not get enough of her – and he never would. Her sex twirled in the spicy air all around them. His heart went nuts._

_In no time, Meredith's kisses became more urgent, Derek applied pressure – running his tongue along hers over and over and over again until she gasped for air – moving her mouth away from his for a beat. She blinked, her face was flushed, the tip of her tongue darted out and in that moment Derek could tell she just needed it – their connection – because sometimes it was about taking their time, foreplay … just plain playing, exploring – hell, most of the time it was fun and games – but every once in a while … it was business, their love-making was out of pure need, not that it usually wasn't – for there always was some intrinsic sexual tension between them – so no … this surpassed that … this was pure survival stuff._

"Derek … please … I … need you," she managed to say, but it came out in a warbled pleasure-filled call.

_Derek kissed her with endearment, moving her hands up above her head, he held her there and pressed his lips over her gorgeous neck and clavicle, her skin was salty and sweet and spicy, Bali, Bali. Meredith wrapped her legs tight around his waist and he reveled in the feeling of her damp heat against his abdomen – silently taking advantage of being able to enter her depths and look into her eyes – knowing that soon, very soon they would have to find alternate ways of making love, she squeezed him tighter with her thighs, perhaps she was thinking the same thing now as she held him there in the moment and once again he was lost within the power of 'them'._

"Fill me up," Meredith ordered – _her breathing labored_ – she found his impenetrable gaze, the air became thick with humidity, a new day had begun. His wild eyes bore into hers, she lost her breath. He kissed her lips – _soft and quick_ – everything went hot, white hot.

_Derek raised himself up – Meredith opened her thighs wide with acceptance – her gorgeous pussy open and ready for him, glistening with her sex in the morning sun. He pinned her hands above her head as he leaned back and swirled his tongue across her bare flesh, he pressed kisses to her woman's mound – her essence arrested him, he took a deep breath – home, home, home, he chanted silently as he moved up and kissed the indentations of her prefect angular ribs, goose bumps rose along her flesh as he plucked her raspberry nipples. Her hips rose off the bed and without another thought … he pulsed his rod into her warm, wet depths – sinking deeper and deeper and deeper – inch by inch, by inch until their pelvis touched and she encapsulated him, surrounding him with every fiber of her being._

"Lose yourself … in me," she sighed, remembering all those months ago, back when they were new lovers and how good it felt to escape into one another, all alone in the enclave of her room –_seventy pound tumors, secret wives, secret mothers, secret feelings and perfect storms aside_ – they would get lost in each other and when words failed … Derek was right … they connected – _truly, madly and deeply_ – and that's what she wanted, what she craved and what she needed now! Her heart and soul and core were on fire – _simultaneously, a completely delicious internal combustion_ – her senses were on _overdrive_, burning her up from the inside out.

_With her choice of words – those simple wordless words, their words – Derek found himself lost in more than just Meredith, but lost in time – back to a time of pure intimacy, one he would always remember as an early turning point for them – a night he would come look back on and realize how very deep his connection with Meredith was… there was no denying it. Pulsing now with ease and virility, Derek felt Meredith's delicate muscles clamp down around him … he marveled at how familiar that was sensation now – and with each downward pulse, the past and the present meshed, merged, and suffused – until all that remained was their karmic power to overcome their past and live and persevere in the future._

_His orgasm spun out of control – his heart and soul on fire, his cock filled with blood, his sack tightening with untamed need like his chest – Meredith tenaciously clamped down, owning, cherishing now as her fingertips brushed through his damp locks before she rocked her hips up and back in an effort to take all he had to offer._

_Derek pumped on and on, making short, tiny pulses into her channel– just the sensitive head of his cock pulsing into magic of her pussy now – her perfect nerves wrapping around the ridge of his head, grasping his rod each time his fat head slipped beyond her folds until he sank back inside of her heat and allowed her to claim him once again._

"I'm lost … Derek … so lost … and found," she cried out as she kissed his lips and battled his tongue in a duel for control before she reached down and flicked her clit over and over and over again all the while watching as his beautiful cock pulsed in and out of her slippery channel … glistening with their sex. Damn, he felt good, so fucking good – _bang, bang_ – he slammed into her one last time, his sack slapping against her perineum, his lips planted on hers, his cock twitching madly, protected and housed by her muscles – _rub, pulse, slip, rub, pulse, slip _– she held him there as they came together and finally owned all they had been through for now and forever.

"Me too my love … me too," Derek finally answered – _so lost within the sea of their bliss, delicious aftershocks rocking him now_ – as his voice cracked like an old record, playing a tune he had long-since fallen in love with … he truly was lost and found.

"_As the world keeps spinning round, you hold me right here right now."_

_And like so many other times for them – they became lost within one another – perfectly satisfied, caressing, loving, cooing, whispering now, the old record player chanting – 'I love you, I love you, I love you' – as they came down from that blissful place together, that plane of space and time that existed solely for them … lovers forever, despite the past, lovers forever with their eyes on the future now._

_Relaxing into one another's heat, Derek allowed his weight to press over Meredith's for a split-second before he moved to her side and pulled her into him, cradling her in his arms – his warm hand pressed over their baby, their future – cherishing Meredith in triplicate: mind, body and karmic spirit._

"Thank you for bringing us here," he sighed, his voice catching. He closed his eyes and let her aura encapsulate him; cover him like a warm blanket. "Bringing us… to this moment … for finding us again, for giving me another chance to own it with you," Derek whispered into Meredith's neck. "I love you more and more each day," he sighed, his heart pinched inside of his chest. Meredith stifled a yawn. Derek pulled her even closer and felt her relax deeper into his heat.

"Thank you for coming for me, for getting on that plane," Meredith sighed. "I love you for that and for … owning our history," she burrowed deeper. "And our future … our future is bright Derek ... so bright," she prophesized softly, her eyes closing without her consent now after the emotional morning.

"_Hush, now sway and fall asleep."_

_As so as the sun took its place perched high in the sky above them, the lovers fell deeply asleep, wrapped around one another on an island in the middle of the ocean – with their miracle, their life and lifeline nestled safely between them – as they became lost within one another, basking in the karma of them … owning both the pain of their sordid, but beautiful past and the glory of their beautiful future together._

**Chapter 17 – Lucky – Part 4 of 4 to follow.**


	43. Chapter 17, Lucky, Part 4 of 4

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al. **

**Author's Note: There isn't much I can say about this next piece other than this was one of my targets when I sat down and mapped this story out – I wanted them to arrive here to this magical place of alignment – both physically and spiritually. That said, it remains one of my favorite pieces of this entire story. Enjoy and PLEASE let me know what you think!**

**Chapter 17 – Lucky – Part 4 of 4**

_Time._

_Time passes._

_Time has passed._

Derek clicked _send_ and sighed with a collective breath of both relief and trepidation as his final remote message from Bali to the contractor was now on its way – _the cabin could be finished in three weeks time_ – a small satisfied smile spread across his face and he inhaled another deep breath of the sweet fragrant air – _they would be fine, they would be okay_ – shell-shock aside … they would be more than fine back in Seattle, especially if they had their special place, their home to come back to at the close of each day. Everything was coming together, Meredith had made the final directives for the interior decorator and so now all it seemed the cabin would need was –_ their_ _presence, the power of 'them' and it would become their home and yet another dream come true_ – another dream, fulfilled … _as if this trip and the last four weeks of his life weren't already filled with a lifetime of dreams,_ Derek once again marveled at the stunning turn of events that put him and Meredith here together.

_Time heals all wounds._

Yes, everything in Derek's life was finally coming together – _and as painful as some of the time had been since he found Addison and Mark together all those months ago_ – it was all worth it, he knew that now of course and he would never forget all it took to get them to this place – _this magical place_ – to the here and now he loved and cherished so much. On that thought, Derek sighed happily and closed his laptop screen. His eyes fell on Meredith, she was right where she had been since they had come in a couple of hours ago from their last yoga session – _resting on the nearby chaise lounge, showered and changed of course, wearing nothing but a black tank top and matching panties, her lavender cashmere blanket covering her body _– her latest pregnancy book lay face down over her growing belly.

_The clock ticks forward._

Derek stared at her for a moment longer, watching her easy breathing now – _she was gorgeous with her wild blond hair and her perpetually flushed cheeks and her more curvaceous body, she could have been Botticelli's muse_ – she was his angel and in too many ways to count now, she had become his everything and so much more. _Emotion funneled up, tears pricked his eyes and faded away just as quickly as they materialized in the first place._ Derek closed his gateways now, trying to _see_ her in Seattle in his mind's eye … but he couldn't, not yet, not the way he wanted to anyway. Knowing he'd have to do something about that soon and – _he'd have to ask her_ – but he'd wait for the right time.

_The right time._

_The time is right … now._

_He smiled tightly; they were leaving in two days time and he wasn't convinced they were ready, _except that Meredith felt they were, mumbling something about how he just didn't want to share her with anyone else_ – and he had to admit – _she was right. He stood, his eyes wandered around the suite, falling now on their bags all packed and ready to go, Meredith's small box of souvenirs sat by the front door.

He sighed and turned his attention back to her … she was exhausted … and so was he (both physically and mentally) – _the price tag for spiritual awareness he presumed; the last day and a half was intense by any stretch of the imagination, culminating with a trip up to The Mother Temple, Pura Besakih … he closed his eyes, staggering shrines, high in the mountains, the steeples hidden by the low lying clouds … all was quiet, deafeningly so, so quiet there was nothing to do but reflect inwards _– and tonight's lesson was no different, _The Cycle of Time_, the art of defining one's direction, of understanding the idea of eternity and the cyclical nature of time, namely: _full circles._

_Time after time after time after time._

His eyes swept over the expansive suite once more, he wasn't ready for bed, his mind was too loud – _deciding he needed a minute, a moment of reflection before he moved Meredith to bed and relaxed into her heat_ – his prize at the end of the day, he mused now before he turned away, padded across the cool marble floor and slipped out of their enclave and into the damp air of the dark night.

Smokey citronella twirled into his nostrils and wafted down his throat as he loped over to the double-wide lounge chair that sat poolside. He sat down and let his eyes adjust to the bronze glow of the whimsical candlelight – _that same filtered light that had indeed become their evening time backdrop_ – he leaned back and into the covered foam padding and took in the endless black sky above him, stars hanging, twinkling in all the right places now as he relaxed into the moment, hoping to quiet his overactive mind.

_Time. Time passes. The ticking time bomb. The alarm clock. The wake-up call. Bombs. Debris. Every second counts. Tucker. Meredith. The present tense. The past tense. Both tense. Both tenses. Time passes. The clock moves forward. Second by second. Minute by minute. Hour by hour. Time heals all wounds. Blood cauterizes. Aches and pains ease. Scars form, nothing but souvenirs. Time passes. Time._

Exhaustion crept in now, easing into his bone marrow and his every nerve and muscle with one thought running a circuit through his mind – _they were leaving the island and he was apprehensive to leave their life here _– he wanted to make this right with Meredith, make a life with her – _he wanted them to have a good second chance … the second time around_ – he wanted her to have everything she ever dreamed of and he wanted to be the one who would help make it happen for her. _He wanted to be her partner … for life. _The black night stared back at him – _nothing but a blank slate, a new beginning, a new era in his life_ – a new time, for time was rejuvenated and reinvented now via his lover and their unborn child.

_Life goes on._

Derek closed his eyes and everything faded to black – _they were about to make their life … __real__, it wasn't going to be just the two of them alone on this island anymore, they would return to Seattle __together__, they were a couple, they were going to be parents_ – his head swam within the rich possibilities of their future _and_ the threat of the backlash too – _from both Meredith's friends and from Addison_ – but they had no choice, if they wanted to move on and forward and away from the past – _if they wanted that full circle moment _– they had to move into the present and own it.

And on this island, they did just that– _the baby was perfectly healthy and growing and nothing should stop them from announcing Meredith's pregnancy or confirming their commitment to one another_ – except that without the safety net and the privacy the island had afforded them, the future felt less predictable and Derek knew the _very idea of them_ was sure to be challenged. His heart raced and he opened his eyes. He wished he had a crystal ball; he just wanted to _know everything indeed would come full circle_ and that he and Meredith would survive together beyond the simple beauty of the life they had cultivated here on this island.

_The sound of the sliding door broke through his litany of thoughts. He looked back and found Meredith, wrapped in her cashmere blanket – her beautiful, but tired green eyes sparkled against the bronze flickering lights, adding yet another layer of mystery and intrigue to her physique – she stepped closer, looking down for a beat while he looked up. He took her hand in his. Without a word, she lay down next to him and covered them both with the blanket._

"You okay?" she asked, her voice silky smooth and tired.

"Yes," he whispered. "Just thinking about time – _spiritually speaking_ – and leaving the island, missing the sun as it rises over that wall over there …I'm gonna miss this place and what it gave us," he offered. _She burrowed deeper._

"Do you want to talk more about it?" she asked. "Because you know I understand, it's a lot to process, leaving here … given what we've made, what we've learned," she encouraged, pressing her lips to his neck, breathing him in.

"I wish I had a crystal ball ...," he sighed. "I want to … make sure everything will be fine and I want to _know_ it will be … even though I know it will be," he rambled, his elixir, the panacea of her sweet essence overpowered the citronella and suddenly he didn't feel so … _alone in the world._ The sky became smaller and he became more relevant again.

"It doesn't matter what the crystal ball would tell you, Derek," Meredith sighed. "As long as we're together and we stand up for one another and our baby, we can handle the future ..," she added, kissing his neck. He wrapped his arms around her. "I need you and I love you … no matter what happens," she whispered, smiling slightly now at her own confidence.

"We're together … no matter what," Derek breathed; he kissed her temple as those small tears of happiness pricked his eyes again.

"No matter what happens … we're together," Meredith reverse-engineered, it sounded right, either way was perfect.

_Meredith rolled into his heat, leaned up and cupped her chin in the palm of her hand before she leaned down and kissed his lips – he still tasted like toothpaste and soap, residue from his shower hours ago – she smiled against his lips. His hands found her neck and clavicle and his heat covered her like another blanket and then she smiled brightly – for when she looked at Derek – she saw nothing but their future … and then she had an idea._

"I can see us, Derek … in my mind's eye," she breathed, he became blurred for a beat; she blinked her tears away. "Do you want to see the future … with me?" she asked, she kissed his supple lips.

"I do … I know it's futile, _I know that_ … I love you … so much," he sighed, pushing his nose up against hers, holding her captive with his eyes as he kissed her over and over again.

"Hmm," she moaned, pressing her lips against his for a beat longer. "Close your eyes for me," she coaxed in a soft whisper.

_And so he did. Meredith settled in next to him – she looked at his relaxed facial muscles, smiling at the raw beauty of him – before she took his warm hand in hers and moved it to cover the softer flesh of her belly, she rested her hand over his – life covered life covered life now – she felt him relax into the moment and only then did she close her eyes._

"_Can you find the 'Zen cottage'?"_ she asked, her voice nothing but a whisper.

_Derek found the cottage with ease – it was exactly where it always was now, how it always looked – the light was dim and comfortable and inviting with the soothing sound of trickling water (heard but not seen of course), he felt the warm energy of the retreat consume him … he had arrived. He pressed his hand over Meredith's belly, the heat of life radiated there._

"_Move through the archway and into the anterior courtyard,"_ Meredith guided, now moving herself toward the halo of lights. Her breathing slowed, she felt the cool blades of grass tickle her feet. _"Listen for the trickling fountain,"_ she hushed.

_Derek stepped into the courtyard, the grass felt cool and damp, he moved toward the fountain – his eyes falling on the ornate sculpture, the focal point … a Buddha. He laced his fingers through Meredith's, a warm breeze of sweet air funneled over them. He smiled._

"_I can see the trailer Derek … close your eyes inside the moment and you'll see it too,"_ she soothed. _"It's dawn, cool morning dew has covered everything … tufts of your hot breath and swirling in front of you … the damp air has found your lungs, you can feel it breeze along your skin," _she narrated, squeezing his hand.

_Derek closed his eyes – the Zen cottage fell away – but is warmth remained in his heart and spirit. He found the trailer and he smiled – it was right where he left it, shrouded by the looming Douglas firs, dark green flora everywhere, the air was damp, but fresh and clean and cold – the simple silver trailer shimmered in the predawn light, home – he was home – he gravitated to Meredith's heat to keep him warm. He smiled inside of himself._

"_You're home Derek,"_ Meredith sighed.

"I am," he whispered into the cool, damp wind.

"_And so am I my love … so am I,"_ she whispered. _"We're home together and the sun is just about to rise,"_ she murmured. _"Do you see that small slice of new light … the one that first appears along the water's surface?"_ she prompted softly.

"I do," Derek sighed, as he watched the sun spark and a new morning was born – _another sunrise, a random moment in the future, Meredith stood next to him, their hot breath twirled up and into the atmosphere all around them _– and yes it was … just a slice of light at first as it moved above the horizon, just like it did here above the boundary wall. It was beautiful, stunning even, unexpected emotion lodged in his throat.

_He was home._

_She was home._

_They were home._

"_Do you see the trillions Derek, those tiny flecks of light I love so much, the ones that give the water depth …, " _she sighed._ "The ones that shimmer over the water's surface … and …remind me of your eyes, especially now that you're 'you' again …,"_ she breathed, her melodic voice barely audible now.

"I see it all Meredith," Derek soothed, leaning into her heat.

_He opened his eyes, letting that moment in the future fall away in favor of seeing her in the here and now, where she lay right next to him with her eyes closed on a vision of their future – he was mystified by her – watching now as small tears cascaded along her beautifully flushed cheeks._

"Keep your eyes on the prize Derek," she whispered, sniffling slightly as she spoke.

"I am," he answered her without missing a beat.

_And he really was, for his eyes were glued on her – his only prize, his life, his future – watching now as she closed her eyes even tighter, perhaps in an effort to hold onto her moment. He watched her slowly open her eyes. She turned to face him and was surprised to find him staring at her. His eyes were glassy, he winked._

"Oh Derek …," she giggled breathlessly, her wet eyes sparkling against the dim flickering lights again. "I love you," she sighed, shaking her head at his antics. She blushed.

"And I love you and you are … _my prize_ … and thank you, for that," he sighed. "I needed that … with you," he breathed, feeling more centered, another step closer to _home, _he took her face in his hands and brought her lips to his – _he kissed her thoroughly then, tasting her sweet essence_ – massaging her nerves with his for a beat.

"Come to bed," she cooed, rolling out of his heat. "The sun will rise over the temple tomorrow whether we're there or not … and I think you're right, we should get there on the early side and avoid any kind of crowd," she reflected.

_The pair stood then, making their way to the sliding door. Meredith turned around and Derek followed suit and there they stayed for a beat, looking back over the plunge pool – suddenly lost in the beautiful memories they shared within this cherished place and space of time – knowing it would be a long time before they would come back. Derek ran his hands up and down the smooth plane of Meredith's back, finally draping his arm around her small frame. He pulled her closer._

"The fewer the people the better, I agree," he said, encouraging Meredith to turn away from the garden and find peaceful slumber … next to him.

They turned away together and Derek closed the door after them. All was quiet. He turned the lights off and walked Meredith to the bed. He held the sheet back for her, inviting her in. He slipped the cashmere blanket from her shoulders while she slipped into bed. He folded the blanket and got into bed behind Meredith, his arms found their way around her. His hand found her softer, fuller belly and her hand found his, _heat to heat to heat. _She burrowed deeper and he made room for her.

"Tomorrow's going to be amazing," Meredith whispered into the darkness. "I can't wait," she added.

"Me either," Derek muttered, pressing his nose into Meredith's hair behind her ear _– mango, lavender, mango … vanilla, vanilla, vanilla _– she became heavier in his arms.

"This week, Derek … just thanks," she said softly through a yawn, she pressed her hand over his.

"Welcome …," he sighed, kissing her the warm flesh of her neck. "Everything is coming together, Meredith – _ever since you left Seattle and we ended up here_ – it's been the best time of my life …," he breathed, moving his hand along her belly now. "We're living it … _the dream_ … it's really ours," he muttered.

"We are …," she agreed, becoming even heavier in his arms.

"Come closer," Derek soothed, pulling her back and into his heat, pushing her tush against his thighs.

Meredith sighed, moving her hand up, resting it over his heart now – _allowing his natural rhythm to lull her to sleep_ – she opened her eyes one last time, sweeping her gaze over the suite – _the now familiar shadows danced along the walls, bouncing off of the sparkling glass and sleek marble tiles – whump, whump, whump_ went Derek's heart and then she smiled – _he was happy, he was relaxed and he was hers_ – no matter what_._ And on that thought, Meredith closed her eyes on the reality of all the precious times they spent within this space on the island and the she smiled inside.

_They had two more days here._

_Forty-eight uninterrupted hours._

And she wanted to make the most of it – _even with the arduous and painful tasks of bidding farewell to Wayan and Ketut still to come_ – the time, the time that remained was still theirs and theirs alone and somehow that was enough … _for now._

###

Derek navigated up the last stretch of the single lane road north of the village of _Tampaksiring,_ _Pura Tirta Empul, the 'temple of holy springs'_ now within their reach – _a gust of cooler air breezed through the open car windows_ – the sun, having just reached its perch in the sky above them hadn't warmed the island up yet. A lone bright white cloud covered the sun now causing short shadows to dance all around them, the wind changed directions. He glanced at Meredith – _her beautiful emerald gateways were closed as fatigue still claimed her, even now, after a dreamless heavy sleep_ – she was still tired and reflective, trying her best to keep her emotions in check. She was wearing an indigo tankini bathing suit one of her more colorful saris … one of his wrinkled linen shirts enveloped her tiny frame. He glanced at the road, bearing right at the fork, heading _up, up, up_ now toward the temple just ahead. He felt Meredith's hand on his thigh and he looked to her.

"We're here," she announced happily, her tired eyes laced with untamed excitement.

"We are, it's just up here," Derek pointed, taking in the lush overgrowth of green palm and bamboo trees.

He parked the car and found Meredith's eyes. She leaned over and kissed his lips, soft and quick before she pulled back and winked. Her cheeks flushed now, she pulled on the handle and made to exit the car. He smiled and followed suit, grabbing their small bag – _towels, cameras, water bottles, sun screen … an extra sari and a small container of mango slices_ – slinging the bag over his shoulder, he inserted the key into the door and locked the car.

Derek took Meredith's hand in his before he abandoned the idea in favor of draping his arm along her shoulders. They walked down the small gravely dirt pathway – _suddenly illuminated when the cloud was pushed away from the sun_ – their path, their destiny even more visible now … which he knew sounded corny, but to some degree it was … just that – _for after a week's worth of spiritual healing and new awakenings_ – their visit to the healing, holy springs would most certainly become another pinnacle, if not _the_ pinnacle of their entire journey thus far. After all … rebirth, growth and spiritual alignment _– both together and apart from one another was all they had been seeking_ – and here on this island they had tenaciously cultivated those goals until … _they began to_ _live within them._

_And so to arrive at the moment in which they would start a new chapter together and submerse (quite literally) themselves and their cherished baby, their flesh and blood in the cool, tranquil, healing, holy springs – to signify the true beginning of that fresh start they were destined to make – was sure to be an experience they would never, ever forget._

The gravel cracked under their feet, dust swirled up and all around them, Meredith sighed – _the closer they got to the temple's moss-covered archways_ – she swore the world became more quiet and more tranquil and more serene and in that moment the scene all around them, the cooler air, the overgrown trees, the moss she could see along the stone boundary walls – _all of it reminded her of Derek's land_ – she stopped in her tracks, the entrance to the temple directly in front of them. Derek was pulled from his own thoughts. He turned to face her – _her eyes became glassy_ – she smiled through her threatening tears.

"What's up?" he whispered, closing the small distance between them now, his fingertips found her neck, he pushed them beneath the linen fabric, holding the base of her beautiful skull in his hands.

"This place …," she sighed, moving her hair away from her face. "It reminds me of the gravel pathway, the one leading to the trailer … the air is so cool and damp," she murmured. Derek's face softened. "Déjà vu … it stunned me," she sighed.

"Come here," he hushed, moving his lover into his arms where he held her for a beat, breathing in her sweet essence while his eyes swept the scene all around them – _where he could feel it too_ – the peace, the quiet, the silent invitation … it was kind of like … coming home. "I feel it too," he soothed.

Meredith pulled back and smiled weakly. Derek pressed his lips together and there they stood for a moment, each surveying the other, making sure of one another for a beat. Derek chuckled and moved his arm back along Meredith's shoulders, bringing her flush up against him as they walked along the boundary wall, slowly making their way towards that threshold of peace and wonderment. Meredith relaxed for a beat – _taking several deep breaths now_ – trying to shake off any and all anxiety she held within her so she could just feel the radiation of that calming force she was looking for … the one she hoped she would find within those very walls.

_Walking arm and arm now the couple slowly walked through the ornate stone gates, Meredith held her breath, waiting for that feeling of warmth to cloak her – the temple … the gates … this archway was over a thousand years old – intricate square centimeters of stone work, those now familiar series of diminishing demon faces – no, no there were no evil spirits here – there was no room for evil, no place for it._

_Once grounded again, her eyes fell on the lovely temple grounds – there was a large peaceful body of water in front of them, the stone boundary walls covered in moss, of course – a richly decorated temple structure sat behind that, a perfectly vivid reflection sat on the water's swirling surface – yes, swirling, like there was an undercurrent – and just like the water just beyond the trailer, it was shimmering like it was filled with jewels. Plentiful numbers of koi__ swam within the water, adding an element of color and of life. And__ everything was covered in moss here, rich and green and also full of life – it was unlike anything she had ever seen – it was damp and humid, but not stale … it felt like another world, some kind of alternate universe filled with peace and hope and life._

Meredith took a deep breath of the heavy precious air – _pressing it down into her lungs_ – holding it there, making it last, that sweet smoky scent – _the traditional offerings to the Gods _– hung in the air all around them and she savored it now and forevermore. She heard Derek sigh deeply.

"I have no words," he whispered, glancing at Meredith before his eyes fell on the intricate shrines, some already adorned with morning offerings and burning incense –_bright orange flowers, sweet sticky rice, tufts of delicate smoke_ – twirling all around them, Derek moved his hand up and down Meredith's back in an effort to ground himself. A woman who slipped through an archway to their left caught his attention then. She radiated peace – _her face was calm and beautiful_ – and her hair and skin … _were wet … little droplets of water fell from the tassels of her sari_. He smiled. "We want to go this way," he said softly before leading Meredith from whence the woman came.

_Carefully they walked over the old cobblestone walkways and through that second gateway, making their way through the interior courtyard. A large rooted Banyan tree was situated to the right, a grassy knoll beneath it, an ideal place to hide from the sun later if need be – a gust of warmer air pushed against them now – wordlessly coaxing them forward. Meredith squeezed Derek's hand, the air felt warmer all of sudden, more protected and more organic to the temple – the sun pressed against her back, it felt like a hug and it consumed her – filling her up – much like Derek did most of the time._

_The lovers walked for another minute, totally lost in the moment, unwilling to let any detail go unnoticed – and that's when they saw it – another rectangular spring inlet, twelve fountains lined the back stone wall, masses of fresh offerings sat on top of each fountain spout, incense twirling into the humid air. Spiritual easiness was everywhere all of a sudden. The water coming directly from the 'sacred spring' was said to have healing properties … healing, rejuvenation and rebirth permeated the air now – the couple could barely hear the beats of their hearts over the sound of the rushing water – the spring of its origin was said to be over one thousand years old, first dedicated in 926 AD – and there in front of them, that same water … was swirling, shimmering like diamonds now … moving with an unseen life force._

_Meredith scanned the area, once again doing her best to take it all in – to sear it deep into her memory bank now … before she even touched the holy water. She wanted to remember everything, even more so now because she realized that she belonged here … with Derek – that they belonged here together and so it would be here – within these walls that she would ask him to solidify their baby's place in the world._

_Out of the corner of her eye, she noticed another couple there – definitely locals, the young woman wore a shall, a tank top underneath, her ruby red sari flowing around her under the crystal gateway of the water's surface, the man wore swim trunks and a tee … eyes closed, water everywhere – already inside their moment, young, vibrant … and gorgeous, with almond-tanned skin, praying, dipping lower, lower and lower under one of the spouts at the far end of the inlet._

"Derek," Meredith whispered, a warm breeze funneled through the area, sticky and humid and rich with the salt of the earth and everything in between. "I want to go in," she said, her voice calm, stoic. She released his hand, slipped her shoes off and let his shirt fall from her shoulders.

Derek dropped their bag, watching Meredith now as she took a couple of steps closer the water's edge – _the steps, their only gateway both_ _ancient and moss-covered under the shimmering, swirling water_ – the place was truly magical … beyond that, actually. He slipped his shoes off and took those couple of steps across the warm stones and came to stand next to Meredith – _her energy radiant_ – her aura alive and oh so well.

_He took her hand again and in they went …_

… _healers ready to be healed …_

… _on a spiritual mission … together …_

_Together forever._

_Time healing old wounds._

_Time falling away now … as did the world._

The water both warmed and cooled them at the same time – _Derek felt Meredith tremble_ – her hand shook as she leaned into him, careful of her footing now along the old stone steps … _down, down, down_ they went until they reached the bottom, the water up to his waist, a little higher for Meredith. His hand found the small of her back as they silently waded through the holy spring together, her sari billowing along his legs as they went – _warm and cool at the same time still_ – the sound of the rushing splash of the water, both wild and haphazard became louder now as they approached the back of the spring to the line of auspicious spouts … _rush, rush, rush._

Derek smiled as he watched Meredith cup her hands under the rushing water … looking on as small tears streamed down her face while she lowered herself deeper into the healing spring – _her skin flushed and pink and alive, her golden tresses tamed by the weight of the water, the sun pressing down on her shoulders, her gateways closed to the world as they knew it_ – he was captivated her and found himself falling in love with her all over again just as he imagined he would … he was losing himself, the water lapped at his chest, lulling and rocking to its own beat while it sang that natural lullaby… _rush, rush, rush_.

For within this ancient body water there was a feeling of easiness unmatched by anything Derek had experienced – _even more natural than waking up before Meredith to watch her sleep or those precious few moments in OR, deep within the 'surgical zone' before the first incision was ever made _– no, here there was nothing quite like it. The water, still cool and warm, warm and cool – _indeed swirled and moved with a life and untamed energy all of its own making_ – and there in that moment, Derek truly let himself go and became lost in Meredith – _his lover, his everything for now and always_ – as she became lost within her moment … _rush, rush, rush_, he watched on for a moment before he came to stand next to her and close his eyes.

_Meredith closed her eyes and everything was black or white, she wasn't sure what happened, but she felt like she was colorblind for a beat. She felt Derek's shoulder against hers – he was right next to her, moving into the water of the spout in front of him, she leaned into his warmth and held her hands under the mini rapids, allowing the cool, yet curiously warm water fall through her fingers – rush, rush, rush – was all she could hear now as she began to 'float' to another space and time, far, far away from Bali and the 'Zen cottage' …far and away, far and away she went until only her spiritual self remained, no skin, or bones, or nerves or muscles – just warm, cool water cascading all around her – massaging her … everywhere._

_But even deep within her own moment, she knew she wasn't alone, for once in her life … she had someone, two very special 'someones'. She smiled on the inside now – for she could still feel the Derek's strong presence, his aura was with her – and within this private, secret moment of reflection Meredith realized that perhaps he always would be and that she would finally belong somewhere in the world … and it felt good. She dipped herself lower, droplets of holy water ricocheting now – ping, ping, ping – just cold spits trying to stick … the warm sun drying them instantly._

_She smiled – they finally, finally belonged to one another – Derek was everywhere – residing right inside of her too, for now, anyway – and on that thought, she felt heat radiate from her belly where her hands instinctually fell … connecting now, she could feel her hot flesh through the thin spandex of her tankini and she literally melted … the last of her own flesh and bones gone._

_Dipping herself lower into the water – her clavicle covered now, droplets of water spraying across her hot cheeks – still cool but warm, she spoke inside of herself, to that small miracle of them – 'hi baby, mommy's right here and daddy is too, we belong to you and you belong to us, we love you, we love you so much … and your spirit, we feel you all around us all the time, you belong with us' – she chanted until everything went green – focusing intensely, she found those cherished gateways, the ones she expected to see all the time now … green and blue, flecks of mysterious light there too – strangely similar to the color and depth found within the holy spring water._

_Turning around now, Meredith leaned back and let the rushing water comb through her hair – her halo, her spirit cleansed – the rushing water nothing more than a mask for space and time … she existed, spiritually … spiritually alive and well and ready for the future, to live in the here and now, knowing that she belonged and she was finally right where she should be. She opened her eyes, water trickled down her face – the sky was vibrant, blue, crisp and endless, sun was higher in the sky, the air was sticky and hot, the morning clouds had burned off – heat warmed her skin, drying the droplets of water. _

_She sighed, moving her legs in the cool, warm water – her gaze found Derek and there she watched him for a moment, his palms pressed against the back boundary wall on either side of a spout, the water falling along his chin, then down his chest, the sunlight cascading down around him like a halo, he looked ethereal, gorgeous when aligned spiritually – she was in awe, allowing the natural ebb and flow of the water to calm her and keep within this moment for now and for all time inside her mind's eye. Yes, she would leave a small piece of her spirit here – here she would stay – for it was here she realized she 'belonged'._

Derek was still lost, the warm but cool water had infiltrated his every pore and was now working on his nerve-endings and muscles, softening the last of his tension, making it disappear forever as he continued to lose himself – _knowing he would be safe_ – knowing Meredith was right there with him if he needed her. Of course he needed her, his heart melted; he loved Meredith … and the baby more than anything, for they had become his life_ – replacing now his quest for surgical accolades and chief of surgery positions and his elusive perfection of the God-complex _– yes, these two souls had effortlessly become his hopes and his dreams.

_Tears of joy pricked his eyes underneath his lids; he let them slip free and mesh with the spring, he let his joy be carried out in the ebb and flow, leaving those flecks of himself … here, right where he belonged._

He leaned against the barrier wall in an effort to ground himself and he opened his mouth – _just a small amount _– just a small _'o'_ to siphon some of the precious liquid, tasting now the perfectly balanced water as it ran down his throat – it_ was cool on his tongue_ – truly tasteless and as clean and clear as the rain. He sank deeper into the water, releasing his hands from the wall, _lower, lower and lower_ he went until he was lost again– _lost within the water and its symbol as a healer_ – for as much as he knew he had healed himself and that his actions were the catalysts that brought him here … to the glory of this moment, he still wanted some kind of assurance – _he wanted to be whole and healed forever_ – he wanted to know Bali with Meredith wasn't some dream of an alternate universe.

_He wanted to know that he and Meredith could make it out in the world together – and he wanted her forever – time, time, time, endless time with her was all he wanted._

_Time._

_Time with her._

_A lifetime with her._

_And it was here – within these walls that he vowed to ask her for just that – for … forever … when the time was right … he wanted the assurance … he wanted to ask … her … for her … time._

Derek opened his eyes, calm spiritual energy was everywhere – _Meredith's aura was everywhere _– covering him like a protective sheath, his eyes adjusted to the brightness of the day – _and there he found her, his Meredith, his everything_ – watching him. He smiled and so did she. He took her warm, healing hands in his – _looking down at their perfect fit, something he should have been used to by now_ – but was somehow still shocked by it at times. He loved her – _was madly in love with her_ – and Bali aside, private island life aside … fears of the future aside … he wanted her forever.

"Hi," he whispered – _the water still swirling all around them – rush, rush, rush._

"Hi," she answered, her cheeks heated, she moved into his heat – _the water drawing her closer – rush, rush, rush._

_Derek's eyes became glassy as he stared into her soothing emerald gateways, telepathing now as he stood on the cliff, on the precipice he had been waiting for – he pressed a warm hand to Meredith's belly – she rested hers on top of his. Words weren't needed – 'I love you's' were said, their calls to one another answered – free-floating in the holy water now, their happiness … their feelings of belonging … their limitless future together encapsulated them for now and forever._

_Meredith took Derek's hand – and just as they entered the spring, they exited now – hand in hand, flesh around flesh, spirit encapsulating spirit. She breathed, taking one slippery step at a time – she belonged them, he belonged to them, their baby … belonged to them – it was as simple as that; there was no turning back._

The couple stepped from the water – _warm humid air rubbed against them, Meredith's sari clung to her legs_ – Derek rushed ahead and handed a clean towel to her, draping it along her shoulders. He put his arm around her and they walked with her towards the Banyan tree on their shaky legs. He pulled his shirt off, quickly patted himself dry and put a clean shirt on. He lay his towel down over the lush grass. Meredith slipped her sari off, laying it in the sun before she wrapped her towel around her waist. They sat down Indian style, knees touching – _the shade a welcome relief from the sun, suddenly brighter and more vivid than ever before … clarity was upon them_ – Meredith laced Derek's fingers with hers and rested their hands near her belly. And there they sat in silence for a long time, watching as several locals waded through the water to the spouts – _silently praying, praying silently_ – while others came with big plastic jugs – _filling them up with the healing elixir_ – for their home shrines and temples.

It was a beautifully peaceful scene, so much was happening … so much energy (_blessed energy_) was expelled, so many culminations, so many full circles and yet– _everything was quiet for Derek and Meredith inside their own moment – _and for the others too as they came and went, gave and took what they needed … it was quiet – _everything was quiet and full of peace – everything_ … in _this_ world _and_ beyond. And then the bubble of 'them' arrived – _their energy, their passion and love_ – hovered over them now, coming down, protecting them … _housing them beneath the ancient Banyan tree for a suspended moment in time. _The power of them fully consumed them and in that moment they connected once again in triplicate:

_Their bodies … tensions were gone …refreshed and rested._

_Their minds … completely at ease … ready to ask of each other._

_Their spirits … soaring freely … there was no turning back._

Derek turned to Meredith when he heard her sigh, her lips were pressed together; the shade from the tree leaves above added more depth to her glassy eyes. He stole at a glance at her … she did the same, inhaling another big breath of the sweet humid air before she spoke.

"I've been daring myself to ask you for something …," Meredith confessed quietly, she kept her voice steady and focused on the beautiful swirling water in front of them, the sun was hot … the shade from the tree was a welcome relief from the spotlight of the sun – _was she hiding still_ – after everything?

_She heard Derek chuckle; he squeezed her hand and brought her back to the moment, to the task at hand._

"Me too," he sighed, she eyed him carefully. "You can go first though," he added, bumping his knee against hers.

Meredith turned to Derek, she met his eyes – _calm and serene_ – she was lost within his energy and his eyes in no time. He smiled. "So is this is truth or dare?" she asked with a smirk.

Derek smiled. "Hmm … just the truth," he replied, inching closer.

"Temple truths," Meredith giggled softly.

"Temple truths," Derek echoed.

Derek watched Meredith's eyes flicker – _something clicked as she was formulating her words_ – she squeezed his hand and looked away … hiding from him for a beat. She inhaled a deep breath of air – _her chest heaved_ – she maintained her focus on an area beyond them – _up, up, up scrutinizing the towering shrine in the distance_ – back and away, away and back as she began to speak.

"When I was growing up … sometimes I didn't … fit … even into my own skin," she sighed, her heart pinched inside her chest. "There was always something missing – _and I'm not talking about my father_ – although … I guess I could be …," she sighed, fresh tears pricked her eyes. "I just … I didn't belong … _to anyone_ … no one claimed me as their own – _not my mother, not my father …I …I … I was a Grey, and I still am, but in some ways, I never was … I wasn't __theirs_ – and it hurt … a lot … …," her voice trailed off, tears overcame her.

_Derek brought her closer to him and Meredith buried herself in his embrace – she shook, her body trembling akin to a leaf on a vine – he pressed his warm lips onto her wet hair, breathing her in as he did. He wasn't gonna lie, it broke him no matter what made her upset – but there was something about thinking about Meredith as a lonely child – well, it leveled him … every time … and he wished … well, he always wished he could go back and give her something different … to change her view on childhood._

"I'm here … you belong, Meredith … with me and this baby …," he soothed, his own tears threatening to fall.

"I know that …," she sighed in his heat. "I know we belong together," she said, peeking up and back at him – _his eyes scanned hers, back and forth_ – his face softened. "It's the baby, Derek … I can't … have history repeat itself …," she whispered, sitting up, she turned inside his arms to face him. "I …," she pressed her lips together and more tears fell.

_She already knew the outcome, she already knew … but … this was her child … and this is what mothers do, they protect … they govern; they … __belong__ to their children._

"Meredith," Derek prompted, his eyes never leaving hers for fear he would miss something, he held his breath as he watched her formulate her words, his own mind moving at the speed of sound.

"Derek … I want this baby to belong … to you, as a father … but not only in flesh and blood … _because that doesn't always mean what it should_ … _well, neither does a name_ … but together, _together_ … they mean something," she sighed, her childhood memories hovering all around her now, she was drowning. Derek moved closer still, he held kept her afloat. "I want … I want this baby to always have a place to belong and to come home to …," she sighed and pressed her lips together.

"Say what you need to say," he soothed. "I want what you want, you just have to tell me …," he said, keeping her inside the moment, helping her tread water.

"What I want is … for this baby to be a Shepherd, Derek," she breathed, losing another small bit of the sad child she once was. "A _Shepherd_, Derek – _not a Grey, not a Grey-Shepherd_ – a Shepherd, _yours and mine_ … a Shepherd …," she heaved, her voice cracked, but not her spirit, her spirit was alive, anyone could see that.

_Tears welled in Derek's eyes; the dam was breaking … threatening his cheeks. Everything was damp and hot and sticky, he moved his hands through Meredith's wet hair and gently held her skull, where he held her inside their moment._

"What about you?" he whispered into her ear, the question … for her ears only, she smelled sweet and spicy and damp and now … magical, like the holy spring itself.

"What do you mean, _'what about me'_?" Meredith asked, his hot breath breezed across her ear, the damp hairs on the back of her neck stood on end and her heart went nuts.

_He pulled away and looked her square in her eyes, he smiled just for her, his eyes bright and cheerful … this was the man she loved. The man she would come to spend the rest of her life with … all of her 'time' with … forever and ever. Her cheeks heated._

"That was my truth … _what I wanted to know_ … what about you, Meredith?" he asked, his eyes became glassy, she became blurred around the edges for a split-second. He cleared his throat and moved closer. "Do you want to be a Shepherd one day too?" he whispered, a tiny smirk played along his lips.

_Meredith smiled, tears sprang from her eyes. He was adorable and … he really wanted to marry her._

"Impatient …," she giggled, breathless from the very idea. "I can wait, Derek … you know I do ... want to … but the baby comes first ... I can wait," she breathed into their energy – _she watched him become calm_ – _she knew that he knew_ she would say _'yes'_ when the time came, but she also knew he just wanted to _know._

"But not for long right?" he teased, moving his hands through her unruly locks again. "I don't have a crystal ball, remember?" he asked with a sheepish grin.

"No, not for long … you know I love you …," she said, pushing her nose against his – _their breath ricocheted back and forth between them having no place to go_ – she felt his hand on her belly and then she felt his body quake, she leaned into his touch.

"I love you, so much …," he sighed, speaking to both Meredith and the baby now. "This is real Meredith," he breathed, looking into her reflective gateways. "We're real together – _here on this island and everywhere else too _– and this baby … and you and me … we all belong to each other, never doubt or forget that…please…," he smiled, pressing his lips together.

"Oh …," Meredith sighed, taking his head in her hands, closing the miniscule distance that somehow existed between them. "Derek, can I kiss you in here?" she asked, their lips almost touching, she inhaled his hot sweet breath. "Is that sacrilegious … because I need your lips on mine …," she sighed desperately, pushing her forehead against his.

"I don't know… I don't know ...," he breathed, before he moved his hands up to her skull and brushed his lips against hers – _soft and quick, nerve on nerve, skin on skin, barely there_ – but oh so full of love, the intensity need not be there.

"Kiss me again ... please," Meredith sighed, protected by their impenetrable bubble. "Just like that … just to remind me that we belong to each other," she sighed, her fingers still submersed in his locks – _she pulsed her lips against his_ – and he kissed her back with the same gentle ferocity.

_Pulling away, the lovers stayed connected, still wrapped around one another spiritually although Meredith had moved out of Derek's embrace and situated herself next to him again – where before long his fingertips brushed against hers – for he was unwilling and unable to let go of her completely._

_And there they sat together under that ancient Banyan tree – deep within the magical enclave of Pura Tirta Empul on the island of Bali, thousands of miles away from 'home' – watching now as the one-thousand-year-old holy spring water moved within that unforeseen life force they both saw and felt, while their minds rested on those promises of forever – promises that somehow solidified their commitment to 'belong' to one another – for now and for all time._

_For endless time …_

_... and …_

_... endless love suddenly belonged to them …_

_... and …_

_... to generation after generation of Shepherd babies to come._

**Chapter 18 to follow.**

###

**_I truly hoped you enjoyed this section. Like I mentioned, this was one of my targets when I had planned this fic, one of my goals whilst I was writing ... to get them here, to this moment and I gotta tell you, this temple ... this little small place was like heaven on earth_. _The day__ I spent within those temple walls and submersed within the holy water still remains one of the high points of my life. If you can ... go there in your lifetime ... it should be on the top of your list of places to visit in the world. _**

**_My photos from my time on Bali are hard copies and of course are alive and well in my mind's eye. When I was writing this story, I did manage to find some flickr albums and I suggest you go to their site and do a search for __Pura Tirta Empul, you won't regret it ... some visualization might only add to the beauty of Meredith and Derek's time spent submersed within the springs. _**


	44. Chapter 18, La Isla Bonita, Part 1 of 4

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al. **

**Author's Note: I would like to say how happy I am that most of you (who have commented or contacted me) are torn between wanting Meredith and Derek to stay on Bali or return to Seattle, and I have to say, I kind of felt the same way. I wanted their peacefulness to last and I think as you read on you will realize that in some other bigger ways, it really does. **

**I don't think there is anything I could say about Madonna's famous song "La Isla Bonita", except that maybe it was the perfect inspirational song for this next chapter … sighs … it's a great song!**

**Chapter 18 – La Isla Bonita**

Lyrics for Madonna's "La Isla Bonita":

_Spoken_  
Como puede ser verdad  
How could it be true?

Last night I dreamt of San Pedro  
Just like I'd never gone, I knew the song  
A young girl with eyes like the desert  
It all seems like yesterday, not far away

_Chorus_  
Tropical the island breeze  
All of nature wild and free  
This is where I long to be  
La Isla Bonita  
And when the samba played  
The sun would set so high  
Ring through my ears and sting my eyes  
Your Spanish lullaby

The beautiful island

I fell in love with San Pedro  
Warm wind carried on the sea, he called to me  
Te dijo te amo  
I prayed that the days would last  
They went so fast

He told you, I love you

_Chorus_  
I want to be where the sun warms the sky  
When its time for siesta you can watch them go by  
Beautiful faces, no cares in this world  
Where a girl loves a boy, and a boy loves a girl

Last night I dreamt of San Pedro  
It all seems like yesterday, not far away  
_(Chorus twice)_

La la la la la la la  
Te dijo te amo  
La la la la la la la  
El dijo que te ama

He told you, I love you  
He said he loves you

###

**Chapter 18 – La Isla Bonita – Part 1 of 4**

_Meredith took a deep breath – heavy clouds still graced the open sky – the air still smelled of salt and sea and hibiscus, the remains of the rainstorm that passed out to sea not too long ago – she blinked hard on the view and focused the bright curious spot of sun that fell against the water where the sky met the ocean at the horizon … it was sunny at the edge of the world, she surmised with an amused smile._

_Yet another set of waves rolled against the shore. The wind picked up a notch – Meredith's white linen shirt whipped up and around her arms and torso, revealing the beautiful silhouette of her small belly and fuller breasts – the gust of cooler air snaking up her yoga pants, rubbing against her bare legs now._

_Wayan._

_Ketut._

_Soft brown eyes._

_Endless, soul-filled eyes – bright and cheerful – she would miss them._

_Her feet sank into the sand – warm and dry well under the surface – she rotated her hips, her feet sinking even lower in her quest for evidence of the sun's heat. She took another lasting breath of the fresh island air – pressing it into her chest cavity – willing it to stay put … allowing herself to once again, come to terms with leaving the island._

_Wayan._

_Ketut._

_Flawless almond-brown skin._

_Gentle brown hands – not so different than hers now – she would miss them._

_Derek sauntered up, standing beside her now. Meredith sighed heavily, she was treading water at best now – for he had checked them out, their departure had become a reality – they were checked out of the hotel, cast away from the island, her space here in Negara wasn't "hers" anymore. Her cherished enclave, her room – her __home__ – on this island in the middle of the ocean, would never be hers … again._

_Her heart was heavy, water-logged, but she held her own above the choppy waters. The atypical cold wind whipped up the beach and funneled over her, unbiased to her presence. She shivered. Derek ran his arm along Meredith's shoulders in response, she leaned into his natural heat and latched on to her buoy … her everything and was reminded once again that she was not alone. She rested her head on his shoulder and her hand found her belly as she kept her eyes trained on that precious spot of sun in the distance. It looked warm and inviting out there. Derek laced his fingers through her other hand and brought it up to his mouth. He pressed his warm lips to the top of her hand there – once, twice – he kissed her flesh, soft and quick._

"_Time to go," Derek whispered, his gentle prod gone with the cold wind almost as soon as the words fell from his lips._

"_Just one more minute," Meredith pleaded softly, finding it difficult to turn away from that embedded spot of bright sunlight._

_Wayan._

_Ketut._

_Beautiful spirits._

_Her spiritual healers – they would be her connectors forevermore – she would miss them … dearly._

_That last glimpse of Wayan circulated her mind now – there he was … standing in the tattered doorway of 'Meri House' wearing Derek's cap … where she had leaned down to hug her boy, breathing him in with the intent of taking a small piece of him with her – while his same smile of grace and fortitude and peace fell across his face like a ray of sunlight._

_He was gorgeous._

_He was healed._

_And so was she._

_And although it was only an hour earlier, that moment – that glimpse into their shared history – felt more like a lifetime ago._

_Her heart finally sank, steady like an anchor – she hit rock bottom – the ocean floor was no place for someone like her. Hesitation consumed her and the cold breeze was back – she felt naked all of a sudden … exposed. The waves rolled again. The ebb and flow of the water held her captive, carrying her out to sea for a beat where she became lost. She felt raw and her heart was open for all to see. Her chest was retracted, but the surgeon hesitated – __she__ hesitated – knowing the effort would be futile, for there was no cure … no cure for the broken-hearted!_

_Meredith sighed heavily and pushed her more dreaded feelings aside, choosing to focus on Derek's warmth instead. Only then did wind die down; her heart followed suit – the air became warmer and she squeezed Derek's hand now, feeling him there, finding him exactly where he should be: at her side. She bumped her hip against his, silently connecting with her lover. She heard his low chuckle and felt his eyes on her. She smiled now, just a small smile – one just for him – one that told him not to worry. She rubbed her belly, pressing her heat over the baby – 'we're going home little one' – she spoke silently, all the while, caressing, loving and connecting._

_Yes, she was almost ready now and she knew she wouldn't be alone in her memory of this place – she knew that much – for Derek felt the same as she. And so, for this last treasured minute, she focused on that brilliant patch of sunlight, allowing it to make an indelible impression and take up residence, for at the moment, she felt like she needed to make it last for a lifetime._

_Meredith took a deep breath of the salty, sea air in one last time. She could do this, they would be fine – a small set of tears slipped from her eyes and then another set and another – just like the waves of the ocean crashing against the endless shoreline._

"_It was a beautiful place to begin again, to find each other," Derek said softly, his heat enveloping her now._

"_It was," Meredith agreed quietly, closing her eyes for a beat._

_Wayan's angelic face floated though her mind once again. She clutched him this time and held him there with her, for he was her beginning … her beautiful beginning; he was her first "child". Tears stung her eyes and quite suddenly, her maternal instincts materialized out of the thin, cold air and before she knew it, she was consumed – she closed her eyes and found her boy's warm, brown gateways – she opened her eyes and moved her hand along her belly in response._

_Wayan, Wayan, Wayan_

_She smiled and blinked hard before she was met with that stunning pair of bright green eyes –mango flesh and juice flooded her mouth along with the memory of the warm sun across her shoulders. The musty scent of the temple came next, her spirit woke up and her mind drifted to Ketut – her friend, her confidant, her mother, her sister, her teacher – and her first connection to her unborn child. Meredith smiled widely, drawing strength from Ketut's wisdom and confidence._

_Ketut, Ketut, Ketut_

_The familiar scent of the trio: hibiscus, gardenia and jasmine found her nostrils, masking her senses … intoxicating her on the spot. The cooler, salty air mingled with the sweet and suddenly she was balanced. Fractional images of Owen fogged her mind – his wry grin, serious eyes and his soulful … soul – she missed him and made yet another prayer for his safety. He was family now, pure and simple._

_Owen, Owen, Owen_

_And then all was quiet and all that remained was the joy of it … the time, the people, her mission … her family and how she would never forget this time. She was lost in the beauty of her time, memories swirling now like a dream more than anything else. She smiled into those memories, holding them captive where they would stay, safe and secure in her mind's eye, forevermore. Suddenly, everything was crystal clear, like the ocean or Derek's eyes. The transparency was stunning and Meredith let her mind wander through and around those visions._

_Derek, Derek, Derek_

_Azure blue water lapped at her feet now and the sun touched her back, the floral essence of the island was there too …_

_Sweet fragrant mango coated her throat – she swallowed hard, she couldn't get enough – Wayan sat along the wall across the street from the clinic …_

_Made waved to her from a distance …_

_Ketut smiled; her teeth perfectly white and straight …_

_The temple walls were suddenly there, boxing her in … no other place she'd rather be …_

_She took a deep breath; the air was heavy, sticky … familiar …_

_Thousand-year-old holy water massaged her body and spirit …_

_The baby's heartbeat was on surround-sound …_

_Derek's intense gaze as they made love time and time again … she found herself in him …_

_She was spiritually healed and so was he … something she found she couldn't live without, now that she had lived through it …_

_They were safe and warm within the Zen cottage …and could be anytime she wanted to be …_

_Safe and warm and together and … in undying love … for now and all time …_

_Tears of pure joy stung her eyes._

_Derek, Derek, Derek_

"_Every minute was a gift," Derek hushed, sealing her heart inside the envelope of his arms._

"_It was for me too," Meredith agreed, closing her eyes on the bright spot of sunlight._

_She melted into her lover's embrace and finally looked up and met his adoring gaze … where she found the ocean and the sun and the moon and everything in between. Derek could have been a dream in that moment – he could have been – but he wasn't, for he was her reality … he was her future, whether on this island or elsewhere, the locale didn't matter because home was where the heart was – a very smart man taught her that ideal once – and now she would live it … with Derek and their baby._

"_There you are," he mused softly, a brilliant twinkle residing in his eyes, sparkling against the bright overcast sky, the wind moved wildly through his longer hair and she found the boy inside of him once again. He smiled, carefree, happy, rested and ready._

"_Here I am," she replied with an even smile, feeling more light-hearted and carefree now. Derek squeezed her hand, she moved her head down and pressed her ear over his heart – beating on and on just for her now, slow and purposeful, predictable and even – he was everything she needed. "So, you'll remind me?" she asked quietly, turning into his arms._

"_I will … I promise," he breathed into her hair – his hands found the small of her back – his hot breath cascaded down her shirt, resting along her skin … waking her up to her reality once and for all._

_###_

Meredith opened her eyes to the dimly-lit trailer – _Derek's hot breath lapped at her neck, no different than the dream she was having just moments ago_ – he breathed again and again … _in, out, in, out, warm, cool, warm, cool_. His warm hand rested possessively atop her hipbone. She smiled and let her eyes adjust to the unfamiliar surroundings – _having traveled back in time for one whole day across the International Date Line along with several times zones –_ they were exhausted by the time they arrived at the trailer in the middle of the night … so tired that they merely slipped into bed – _after turning the small oil-filled radiator "on"_ – opting for all practical matters to be dealt with at some point in the future.

_They had five days, five days to themselves before they had to report to Grace –these first five days they agreed to spend out at the trailer – even though they would have been warmer at her mother's house, they needed, no craved … these five additional days alone – secluded together on forty acres in the middle of nowhere (in Seattle) sounded perfect to them – for it was on here on their "homeland" that they would ease back into life … gently, slowly and with all the peace in their hearts._

Stirring now, Meredith glanced at the clock – _5:22 AM_ – the sun would be on the rise soon. She sighed and closed her eyes for a beat, relaxing into the moment now. Her eyes wandered around the space she would call "home" for the next several weeks while they waited to move into the cabin. She smiled – _their home_ – one they had both only seen pictures of, was almost finished. She could hardly grasp the concept; it was all surreal … their home was almost _theirs._ Her mind fell on the nursery and her cherished _'gringsing'_ that lay folded in her suitcase … yeah, they were almost home.

Realizing her nose was cold, she reached down and brought the comforter up and around her shoulders, Derek reflexively rolled into her heat. She smiled and turned around in his arms, lacing her legs through his. _Her sock-covered feet rubbed against his – back and forth – ah, friction, heat … body heat!_ She burrowed deeper, safe and warm within their enclave – _seeking more of Derek's natural heat, his energy and aura_ – as she listened to the quiet wind whip up and around the trailer. A lone branch scraped along the window behind them and Meredith craned her neck up and back to listen more closely, spying a cobweb moving against the circulating air near the window as she did. Derek's lips found her neck, he moaned into her flesh.

She watched the web for a split-second – _thinking about the spider that made a temporary home there once, but had since moved on_ – while they had moved on and _into _the space. And so it was that the trailer stood still – _unwavering against the harsh weather just like the looming Douglas fir trees that surrounded it_ – offering shelter from the storms brewing all around them, just as it was destined to when Derek bought it in the first place. The trailer … it was a revolving door of sorts – _lonely spiders and people moving in and out_ – escaping the harsher conditions found outside. A fractional image struck Meredith then, and she traveled back in time to one of the only other moments she had spent out here with Derek – _before the perfect storm trapped them_ – before they were really _… them._

_And then she couldn't help but smile because Derek didn't move off this land! He didn't give it up – and that made her happier than she could have imagined – for him and now for herself too … because he was still him. And because she loved the time she spent out here – those few stolen moments – no roommates, no inhibitions. And so ever since those early days, she had always loved this land, the idea of it and the potential behind it – and just like karma taught them – there was a reason for the past and they only had to own it to live it and appreciate it … in the here and now._

And right here, right now – _she didn't dare move for fear of freezing her thin-skinned ass right off _– with a heavy sigh, she swallowed the damp air, closed her eyes and slipped her cold hand under the comforter instead, resting it low along her belly, feeling her new fullness there – _baby, baby, baby_ – Derek's hand roamed up and down Meredith's thigh for a beat before he came to rest the back of his hand on top of hers, brushing his fingers along hers, silently connecting too … _baby, baby, baby_. Eyes still closed, his lips landed on her shoulder where he kissed her through her flimsy Henley – _pressing once, twice,_ _before he drew her even closer, obliterating the miniscule space between them_ – absorbing her heat all at once. She relaxed into their perfect fit. He pressed his lips to her neck just below her ear; his nose was cold.

"Hi," he whispered softly, his warm voice a welcome intrusion to the quiet cold surrounding them. Only then did he open his dream-filled eyes.

"Hi," she whispered, meeting his eyes in the dim light.

"Cold enough for you?" he asked with a low chuckle, burrowing deeper into her heat, pressing his lips to hers.

"No, actually," she teased, kissing him gently.

"What's the time?" he asked. "Not that it matters, day, night …it's all the same right now," he mused sleepily, his eyes falling on the clock – _then resting on his small key ring_ – that new gold key standing out now.

_He smiled, they were home._

"Yes, it is," Meredith agreed, collapsing under the veil of their energy.

Derek yawned, pressing another kiss to Meredith's neck, breathing her in. He closed his eyes. His body was on fire, he was completely exhausted. "You should drink some more water," he cautioned Meredith. She giggled.

"I'm not dehydrated," she smiled. "You did a fine job of reminding me the whole way home," her voice caught in her throat and the she smiled. "We're home Derek… welcome home," she sighed happily.

Derek popped his head up, resting his chin on Meredith's shoulder. "We are … we made it," he sighed, his relief evident. He smiled and kissed his lover's neck, pressing his cold nose into her warm skin. His hand fell to her belly. "We'll go out today – _grab another radiator_ – stock up," he smiled. "Find some mangos," he teased with a snicker before sucking on Meredith's earlobe.

"Hmm, who needs a radiator when I have you …," she teased, finding his playful eyes in the dim light. "But … if you plan for me to actually leave this bed, which I know is a hard prospect to follow …," she laughed with Derek. "I'm gonna need another heater," she giggled, running her hands up and down his back, the soft cotton of his old tee was warm and familiar.

"Yeah … yeah," Derek muttered into her skin – _already lost within their natural heat for one another _– he made eye contact with Meredith and smirked. "But not now," he mused, pressing a kiss to her skin, just above the vee of her Henley. "Eventually …," he chuckled before ducking his head under the covers.

_He heard Meredith's muffled giggles, it was dark and warm and humid – he breathed her in and smiled into the hot flesh of her abdomen – quickly repositioning himself flush against her side, where he lifted the hem of her shirt – caressing her belly, warm and soft – he pressed his lips over their little one, safe and sound … happily growing without a care in the world. Meredith massaged his skull – her fingers were magical – he rested his head on her hip and closed his eyes for a beat, consumed by her heat and natural essence, God he was tired! Meredith giggled, her laughter infiltrated his private enclave – they were home – he smiled and "woke up" once again to their reality. Slowly he moved his way back up, popping his head through the covers to find her smiling eyes waiting for him._

"Good morning … again," she said simply, her eyes still shining in the dim predawn shadows.

"It is," Derek smiled, moving up to cradle her in his arms, she rolled into his heat and pressed her lips to his neck, gently pulsing … sucking, her eyes were closed.

"I was dreaming – _right before I woke up_ – I was back on the beach … saying _'goodbye'_," she mused, drawing Derek closer, she rubbed her cold nose against his.

Derek laced his fingers through hers and squeezed. "Must have been a beautiful dream," he sighed, moving his feet against hers – _back and forth they moved_ – like a cricket's wings. His own memories of that moment flooded his mind. Peace washed over him now.

"It was," Meredith sighed, keeping her eyes closed – _she relaxed into Derek's arms_ – longing for the bright heat, the warm and heavy morning air. "The sun," she declared without thinking. "The sun – _and our privacy_ – I'll miss that the most," she offered.

"Me too," he whispered. "I love you," he said simply.

_Full of honesty. His heart rattled around in his chest._

_Meredith opened her eyes and found Derek. She took a deep breath of the damp air – it smelled of earth and pine, it was fresh and rich … but not sweet – except that it was oddly familiar, it smelled like home already… like the Derek she fell in love with when they first met. She crossed her legs through his and flanked his skull in her hands before she leaned forward and gently pulsed her dry lips against his supple ones._

"You're wearing too much clothing," he observed gruffly against her lips, his hands moving under her shirt … his caress, warm and gentle and soothing. "I miss _naked-sleeping-you_," he whined.

_Meredith tossed her head back in a fit of giggles at his antics, her hair flowing behind her now – her laughter filled the small space, having no point of exit – it hung in the air all around them … her happiness was everywhere and Derek loved it. He breathed her in, nipping at her available skin now, moving his hands beneath the hem of her shirt, raising it higher, his nimble fingers moving over ribs, brushing the underside of her fuller breasts. He pressed his lips to her abdomen. She relaxed into his ministrations, peering up and through the skylight above them – dawn was breaking – the sun would rise soon … and here it might be the only rays of light they would see for the day. Derek looked up and caught her eyes. He smiled._

"The sun is rising," he sighed, tasting her skin with his mouth.

"I was just thinking the same thing," she said reaching for him.

_Derek burrowed deeper for beat before leaning up on his elbow, he moved her hair from her shoulder and planted a row of tiny wet kisses along the neckline of her shirt, nipping at her skin into the valley of her beautiful breasts, her nipples standing at attention now. From there, he ran his fingertips along her hairline, never breaking eye contact – she was gorgeous and he could have stared at her – for always and forever … and lucky for him, he could._

_He watched her skin become a shade lighter, she was still flushed … stunning … beautiful, her face was round and happy and full … of the life she carried within._

_His eyes became glassy, he blinked._

"Do you want to … go down to the water to watch?" he asked softly, his heart pounding, realizing now that another dream of his – _another vision of the future_ – was about to become a reality … _their present tense._

_They were living the dream._

"I do," she answered without hesitation, thinking now about how the water woke up under the morning sun.

"Me too," Derek said, thinking now about the cabin and the way the water woke up under the morning sun.

###

Ten frantic and freezing minutes later, the couple stepped over the threshold of the trailer and onto the makeshift porch just in time to see the dawn's early rise. Tufts of their hot breath swirled all around them as Derek clicked the flashlight on for good measure, dimly illuminating the pathway to their destination …_their destiny._

Derek made a sidelong glance at Meredith and smiled as they moved from the last porch step. He could barely see her beneath her layers of the heavier fabrics– _his charcoal wool coat swallowing her whole, his black lamb's wool cap covering her skull, her golden flyaway tresses whipping up and around her ruby flushed face in the light wind_ – he held her hand inside his pocket, she laced her fingers through his now as they carefully navigated their way down to the water's edge.

_All Derek could hear was the quiet solitude of his homeland – it encapsulated him and warmed his heart better than any jacket ever could – for he was home … with Meredith. He shook his head in disbelief as they walked hand in hand now toward this … glorious, yet unattainable dream he once dreamt._

_Mother Nature's symphony played a soft familiar melody in the background and the foreground – the light howl of the wind, the rustle of the leaves, low and high in the sky, the creak of the old looming trees, the raw, untainted smell of the earth, the distant rush of the water and their crackling footsteps over the frost-covered pathway – yeah, they were home … everything was as it should be._

The sky became lighter by the second now – _the new day was officially breaking, the first day of the rest of their lives out here together _– and Derek knew that he would likely take a lifetime to describe how he was feeling right at this moment. _Because this moment was critical, it was defining … it was surreal._ He looked up from the earth and spotted that magical area – _the natural clearing that sat along the water's edge_ – the one situated between the rolling back porch of the cabin and Doc's simple grave site. His heart shimmied in his chest – _just a small quake_ – for Meredith had never seen Doc's resting place. Derek squeezed her hand, just to make sure of her now. He sighed, sucking in a deep breath of the cold, harsh air; a shiver ripped up and down his spine.

_He pressed his lips together, amazed still by the arrival of the moment and how unbelievable it felt to have everything fall into place in the here and now. Thinking back to his early plans – those plans he drew up soon after Meredith departed for Bali – he smiled once again on the idea of that natural clearing, the idea of somehow cherishing their whole and healed hearts. He kept his eyes steady on the clearing, the sun poised to make its debut within minutes. The clearing was still beautiful, still untouched … preserved. It lay there situated at the base of the water's edge, just as it always had, and for that, Derek would be eternally happy._

_For originally he thought to build a long galley dock there, one that would jut out a hundred or so feet from the shoreline – one that would facilitate fishing or diving or just a place to relax – but somewhere along the line, his plans changed and he ended up giving the directive to build the same structure around the right bend of the water, a bit further away from the back porch, realizing that he didn't really want anything to come between that cherished reminder of their past – he wanted to be able to see Doc's resting place from the cabin – from the life they would live to enjoy so they would never forget from whence they came._

Meredith turned and found Derek's intense gaze – _she followed his eyes as he stared out toward the illuminated horizon_ – the wind bellowed, the trees shook and the cold air stung her face as she finally spotted the black glassy surface of the water. She let her eyes sweep to the left where they stayed – _fixated now on the dark silhouette of the cabin_ – they were almost home. Keeping her eyes trained on the water again – _she could see, far off at the tip of the horizon_ – a small slice of lighter sky as it rested along that black glassy surface of the water, their convergence becoming separated at the horizon as the sun rose and the sky became brighter – _just a fraction _– while the water sparkled against the new dazzling light.

"Cold enough for you?" she asked with a sheepish grin – _her nose was freezing_ – she squeezed Derek's hand, ribbing, teasing. He smiled.

"I'm warm where it counts," he answered with a grin of his own, squeezing her hand in response as they took the last few steps towards clearing.

_The sprawling back porch was now to their left – their focal point, the water and the sun coming over the horizon, __Meredith's sunrise__ was straight ahead – and Doc rested to their right. It was perfect, the perfect – dream of a reality – with the sun rising over the water and the mist swirling and twirling into the atmosphere, they were dwarfed by its beauty … their homecoming, their homeland – their full circle moment, almost too round and too perfect – full of countless, endless lessons learned since they first met._

Derek clicked the flashlight off and set it down on the ground. He stuck his other hand in his pocket _– feeling the key there, he smiled_ – turning into Meredith now, _he watched her_, watch the sunrise – _it was cold, frigid, just like he knew it would be_ – but he was warm in his heart. He closed his eyes for a beat, seeing the vision of the sunrise in his mind's eye now – _Bali, Seattle_ – the local didn't matter; it only mattered that he was with Meredith.

He felt her arms encircle his waist and opened his eyes. Holding her close, he intuitively found the heat of her tiny body through all of her layers. He pressed his nose and mouth over the wool cap and kissed her skull, breathing in her in, all the while keeping his eyes trained on the beautiful horizon and the sparkling water, not so different than what he saw in his mind's eye.

"It's just as beautiful as I remember," Meredith sighed, her head turned toward the water over the clearing.

_She moved even closer now, losing herself in her lover, remembering those fond moments where she did in fact see this sunrise and how desperate she felt when she thought of the possibility of Derek giving it up (even if she wasn't there to enjoy it with him). Wow, times had changed – thank God for karma – she thought with a wry grin._

"It is …," he said, pulling back, he held her head in his hands and kissed her cold lips – _doing his best to heat her up on the outside_ – knowing that she was more than warm on the inside. "This is it," he said against her lips. "This is our sunrise Meredith – _your sunrise, the one you didn't want me to give up_ – look … _it's ours now_ … for now and for all time," he murmured, his voice low and even. His heart trembled as he turned her body to the left. He held her hand and their eyes landed on the cabin.

"Oh … wow," she murmured, taking a step toward the stonework steps.

_Derek came to stand behind her and the couple watched the scene before them as – their home, home is where the heart is, home sweet home – was revealed to them for the first time together. Sure, they had seen countless photos … but none did the structure or craftsmanship justice._

"It's really beautiful … isn't it?" he asked softly, his mind moving light years into the future to the endless times of joy they would create here. "It's a foundation ...," he added wistfully.

_Unable to take her eyes off of their home, Meredith answered straight from her heart._

"It's more than that … it's everything Derek," she hushed, her voice thick with emotion, her eyes thick with unshed tears. She found her belly, rubbing tiny circles now, connecting with the baby with her warm, pocket-covered hand, finding it impossible to move her eyes away from the homestead.

_The dim, overcast sunlight emitted a lavender haze high in the sky above the cabin; the new sliding glass doors and faceted decorative windows sparkled now in the morning light. The looming Douglas firs provided a sacred canopy to their home made from the same timber. And there the long, aged branches danced in the light wind coming off of the water now … welcoming them home, urging them to move on and forward._

_Artistically beautiful, the stonework chimneys and strategic fireplaces shouted out to the couple – inviting them home – ready to warm them up when the time came. The cooler air pressed against their backs, pushing them toward their home – Derek fished the key from his coat pocket – and pressed his lips to Meredith's head through her cap, spotting now with a keen eye – their last minute addition of a trellis-covered fire pit – complete with a set of those double-wide Adirondack chairs they fell in love with._

_Derek ushered Meredith forward, carefully walking up, looking upon the precisely constructed A-frame of their homestead, with its prominent __beavertooth corners and large character logs contrasted and softened by the one large awe-inspiring window__, glass doors that opened to the stonework patio. He sighed, realizing once again that it had all come together while they were gone – that the beginning of their life together had been effortlessly mapped out – he pressed his lips together and shook his head._

_For all of a sudden the concept of time meant nothing … it was nothing more than a complicated (and heart wrenching) string of events set in motion by a guy and a girl in a bar almost a year ago. He smiled as they came to stand on the porch landing._

"Lets use your key," he suggested softly, holding the small gold key up into the light.

"Do you think it's … safe, it's really okay …," Meredith replied with surprise as he laid the key in her hand, she leaned into his heat. She took a deep breath and her cheeks heated at the prospect of crossing over this particular threshold.

"Yeah, just finishing touches now … c'mon," he encouraged, leading her across the stonework landing.

_They came to stand under the covered doorway, the set of carefully chosen French doors housed a reflection of the overcast sky – Meredith found herself in the double-pane glass– she held the key out. Was she really here? Had they really made it? She pressed her lips together and watched her thin smile materialize._

_This was their home._

_Their front door._

_Their threshold._

_It was almost too much to ponder._

_Her heart pounded – the cold wind pushed against her back again – still urging her to seek solace inside their new enclave … encouraging her to make the dream their reality. She looked to her left and found Derek, running his hand along one of the lower handcrafted logs; he was as awestruck as she._

_He was inspired … she had inspired him._

_Meredith looked at the key in her hand, marveling at the idea of actually using it – a flutter moved through her body now as her mind found that extraordinary moment in time – safe and secure within their room in Negara when Derek gave her more than just the blueprints, or the thoughtful addition of the nursery – to that moment when he first gave her a glimpse of their future … when he asked her to be his, to raise their baby together, to make a life together._

_Tears pricked her eyes and her heart swelled with such overpowering joy and emotion and perpetual love that all she could do was to let those tears fall along her cheeks while she basked in the glory of being in love … and being loved._

"I love you," she said with all the truth in her heart. Derek looked to her and smiled – _so genuinely and so intensely _– he took her breath away; again.

"And I love you," he whispered, flanking her skull in his hands before he ducked down – _his mouth covering hers in a lingering kiss now, long and hard, easy and soft_ – and there he kissed his woman, his lover … his everything on the precipice of their new beginning.

He pulled away and inserted the key into the lock. He pushed the right door forward – _the new weatherproof casing ripped open_ – the couple stepped inside. Derek closed the door behind them and all was silent, Mother Nature's symphony fell away and it was just the two of them. Derek slipped the key into his pocket. And there they stood _– hand in hand, side by side_ – taking in the surreal beauty of the moment.

_They were finally home._

Their eyes rolled over the still-empty space – _floor to ceiling, around and around_ – the open and spacious floor plan sprawled before them – _leaving an unobstructed view of the kitchen, dining room, den and great room_ – as they stood there still, unable to move. They were dwarfed by steeple rooftop, by the round log rafters that hung with strength and precision high above them and yet … the space was homey, simple, modern and elegant all at the same time.

Meredith released her hand from Derek's and pulled the cap from her head. She took a couple of steps along the wide plank flooring toward the kitchen, the great room now to her right – _she ran fingertips along the large cobblestone fireplace that sufficed as a retaining wall_ – but was also designed to heat the entire space. She leaned down and looked through the fireplace to the other side – _she could see the den and the other small sitting room _– one that also overlooked the shimmering water.

She smiled and stood up as Derek sauntered by and made his way to the expansive kitchen – _which was more than lovely, designed to be a bright space within the darker wood throughout, a focal point with its plentiful floodlights and sparkling stainless steel appliances and suspended wrought iron racks to store pots and pans_ – Meredith smiled, spying the perfect place to along the countertop to display her mortar and pestle. She turned and found Derek, watching now as he laid his hands on the earth-toned granite countertops, craning his neck back, his eyes scanning the vaulted ceiling above. He lowered his gaze and met Meredith's eyes.

"Do you see the precision?" he asked; his voice, soft and quiet.

His eyes were glassy. Meredith walked into his arms and looked up, he ducked down pressed his lips over hers for a beat – _pulsing, sweeping her minty mouth with his tongue, kissing her thoroughly, desperately_ – he was hungry for her in no time. She pulled away before she latched on to his mouth again craving him, claiming him and calming him with her simple caress until she was breathless.

"I do … I see everything … it's everything I never knew I wanted," she said with a small smile as she pulled away from him and watched the happiness dance in his eyes.

"Me too, me too," he mused; his eyes sparkled in the dim light. Everything was quiet. He pointed up. "See the chinking, how its visible between the log courses – _it's like a human body, so defined, fixed – each one has a purpose, connected to the next _– just … unbelievable," he mused softly, his voice made a tiny echo as he spoke.

_Tears pricked her eyes, unbelievable was the word for it all right – for this space was already more of a home to her than anyplace else she had ever lived and here she wouldn't require a houseful of roommates to feel it … she was home, she felt at home – she smiled on the thought, feeling satisfied that their baby would have a place like this to grow up within. Her hand found her belly through her pocket again – rub, rub, rub – while her eyes found Derek's. She took a deep breath of the raw essence of the air – woodsy, earthy, rustic, warm and dry – it was a cross between the natural salty air outside and the innards of the trailer._

_It already smelled like home._

_It smelled like Derek._

_She hugged him even tighter._

_Swaying in his arms, Meredith rested her head over the harsh wool of his jacket, the faint beat of his heart lulling her still just as it was meant to – she relaxed into the quiet solitude and let her eyes wander down the long hallway for a beat … letting her mind wander with it and into the future where many sleepless nights would be had, making love until the wee hours of the morning now … and later with their miracle baby. Without thinking, she freed herself from Derek's embrace and followed her heart down the dim hallway._

Derek followed her, the sound of their footsteps ricocheted, out of place within the quiet vacuum of the space – _reaching for her hand, they meandered down the narrow space toward the filtered light coming from the other side_ – stopping when they came to stand at the threshold of what would _become_ their bedroom. _Their bedroom. _Derek shook his head, once again awestruck by all that had _become_ their reality.

Meredith stepped inside the naked, but inviting room. A set of small, delicate floodlights hung from the vaulted ceiling along a circular wire thin vine – _the piece of art, chosen by the interior designer_ – was made to soften the masculine lines created by the rafters and chinking; it was lovely and by all accounts masterfully did its job. It was more than beautiful and essentially would hang above their four-post bed. She squeezed Derek's hand, pulling him inside with her where she came to stand under the art of lights.

"Our bed will sit right here," she mused, looking up to find his eyes. "Our bed," she breathed softly, pulling him even closer. "I love you," she said, staring into his bright, happy eyes without blinking.

"Our bed," Derek repeated before he brushed his lips against hers, barely there, but no less intense. "I love the sound of that … I love you," he said without moving his lips from hers, _tiny pulses, nips, kiss, kiss, kiss._

_Meredith pulled away, breathless and suddenly exhausted. She stifled a yawn, her legs felt like rubber bands – lack of food and sleep, plus the high emotions could do that girl – she swayed in Derek's arms and yawned again. He chuckled, brushing his lips against hers – soft and quick – he smiled._

"I want to see the nursery …," she smiled brightly.

"Me too," Derek answered as he followed Meredith, spying now the earth-toned travertine tile bathroom; complete with a sunken Jacuzzi tub and a shower with room enough for two.

Derek came to stand behind Meredith, moving his arms around their bulky jackets; he slipped his hands into her pockets and laced his fingers through hers. Tears pricked his eyes as he stared at small, cozy space in front of him _– empty, a clean slate, a new beginning_ – three interior walls for warmth, one large enough to display the '_gringsing'_.

"Our baby will love this room," she mused softly, her eyes still locked on the blank wall in front of her – _wondering for a brief moment if her mother and father ever had conversations like this_ – wondering if they ever felt as blessed as she. As quickly as they surfaced, she pushed them aside, for they had no place here.

"Hmm, yes," Derek hummed, feeling Meredith's body grow turgid for a split-second before she relaxed back into his heat. "We're blessed," he assured, knowing she had gone to a dark and twisty place for a second.

"We are," she sighed, feeling the exhaustion consume her, she leaned back and into Derek's larger frame and let out an unexpected yawn.

"C'mon, in two and a half weeks, we'll be moving in, then we can come in here every day and soak it all in," he offered, turning her around and into his arms. He pressed a kiss to her head through her hair. "Lets go back to sleep," he chuckled.

"Lets," she said, moving out of his arms, the echo of their footsteps following them as they walked back through the hallway and into the great room where she stopped just in front of the expansive window.

_She relaxed now, looking over the water as it shimmered like diamonds against the cloudy sky above, no … it wasn't bright blue and warm like the Indian Ocean – but it __was__ bright and warm in too many other ways to count – and in counting, she lost herself for a beat, watching the ebb and flow of the water as it shook along the shoreline. And in that moment, her heart became quiet and so did her mind. Slowly, her eyes drifted back away from the water, stopping briefly at the clearing and that's when she saw it._

"Derek … is that …," she sighed, losing her voice completely, choosing to point now instead at a small cluster of rocks that surrounded one larger one.

"Yes," he sighed. "Right along the clearing overlooking the water," he answered softly. She reached for his hand without looking away.

"Just like I wanted," she whispered breathlessly, turning to face him, her hands flew to his skull where they stayed.

"Just like you wanted," he breathed, finally … _finally_, allowing the sense of closure to consume him.

"So much happened that day – _that night_ – with Doc, and then the …baby … the past and the future … together," she mused, her eyes glassy, her fragile heart banging around in her chest. She leaned up and kissed her lover, gently pulsing her lips over his again and again and again on the pretense of never stopping.

"It's a day we'll never forget – _a night that will live on and on _– see that … he's where he belongs and so are you … and so am I," Derek said, cradling Meredith's skull, he lost himself in the green glass of her gateways.

"Like I said, this place is _everything_," she sighed, brushing a tender kiss along her lover's lips.

"It is, it really is … welcome home Meredith," he said, finally relaxing, finally arriving at that full circle moment set in motion all those months ago.

"Welcome home Derek," Meredith said, finally relaxing, finally arriving at that full circle moment set in motion all those months ago.

###

Meredith looked out over the water as Derek grabbed the flashlight – _the trees swayed in the light, salty breeze, creaking, swaying and dancing _– she smiled as she caught the mischievous glint in Derek's eyes.

"What?" she asked, holding her hand out to him.

"I left the heater on high," he smiled. "I just want … you and me in bed … we need to sleep," he mused tiredly.

"Sounds perfect … just you and me and sleep," she sighed, listening to the crackle of their footsteps and the rushing water off in the distance.

_The couple walked in silence for several minutes as they walked briskly, their homestead behind them … their temporary enclave in plain sight now. Meredith though about what it meant to be back, not just back in Seattle with Derek – pondering now for the millionth time what it would be like to get back in the game – even though she couldn't stop thinking about this crazy idea she had … this proposition she had for Dr. Bailey and how it might all work out, for everyone._

_Derek had already ironed out the terms of his new contract – set to start in five days time – they had five days left … five more days of peace before life as they knew it would become hectic and busy and interruptive. She squeezed Derek's hand as they neared the trailer, knowing that he was right, that they should ease back into life here – maybe see her friends one night this week, tell them about the baby – make it real in baby steps._

"What's going on in that beautiful mind of yours?" he asked, setting the flashlight down on the porch before they ascended.

"Just thinking about your idea of seeing everyone before we go back to work …," she answered, slipping into the darker warmth and quiet solitude of the trailer with Derek on her heels.

He closed the door behind them – _the frost began to thaw immediately, her eyes adjusted, dim, short shadows danced along the walls, the cloud cover had already begun to filter the light_ – she stripped her coat off. Derek took it from her and hung it on the hook by the door. He slipped his shoes off. Meredith's cold skin pricked with heat from the change in temperature, she rubbed her hands together.

"I think it would be nice – _we can see who's around, go to your place_ – you need warmer clothes anyway," he smirked, giving her a knowing look. She slipped her shoes off; her toes were frozen.

"I do," she agreed. "If I want to leave this trailer – _and your bed_ – I do," she teased, stripping the layers and layers of clothing off as she spoke, watching as Derek did the same.

"Are you hungry?" he asked suddenly after a minute, his wide eyes fell to her belly. He came to stand in front of her; only his boxers and t-shirt remained. She smiled.

"No, just cold and tired … are you hungry?" she asked, his warm hand on her belly now, his fingers tickling her bare skin as he raised the hem of her t-shirt. His hand was cool, her skin pricked with heat from his touch.

"Only for you," he smirked – _she laughed like the devil_ – as Derek planted his lips along the long, lean line of her neck. "Come on, lets warm you up …," he said, moving to hold the covers back.

Meredith slipped into bed; Derek was flush against her without missing a beat. His arms encircled her, one hand cupping her breast, the other resting along her belly. Her eyes closed immediately and so did his.

"Warmer already," she sighed, turning to face him. She pressed her lips to his neck, her nose no longer cold.

"Warmer already," he sighed, his eyes closing without his consent.

"Welcome home," Meredith sighed, exhaustion hitting her like a freight train now.

"Welcome home," he whispered, his fingertips dancing along her belly as he spoke.

_She felt Derek grow heavy in her arms and peace encapsulated her – she was safe, she was home – home is where the heart is. She smiled widely._

"Derek?" she asked breathlessly after a minute.

"Hmm," he mumbled, opening his tired eyes to find her.

She smiled and reached up to his face where she ran her fingertips along his hairline before she submersed her hands in his long ebony locks and pulled herself even closer to him. She draped her thigh over his hips; his hand never left her belly.

"Bali was beautiful – _but this here, this land_ – our home … it's in me … in here," she said, bringing his hand up to her heart. "It's where I first fell in love …," she confessed softly.

"For the first time …," he mused; his eyes twinkled in the dim light. She traced the outline of his lips with her fingertips; his hands found her skull.

"Yes," she giggled. "For the first time … you're the first man … the only man I'll ever love," she said before she seized his lips.

_And so the lovers kissed and professed their eternal love for one another – warming each other from the inside out – until they soon fell asleep wrapped around one another – warmed only by the heat in their hearts now – as the sun began to hide behind the heavy clouds in the sky._

_And within the beautiful darkness of sleep, they began to dream … dream of that beautiful island in the middle of the ocean, the one surrounded by that warm, bright blue sea of gratitude … the one where their love for one another was born again and again and again._

**Chapter 18 – La Isla Bonita – Part 2 of 4 to follow.**


	45. Chapter 18, La Isla Bonita, Part 2 of 4

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al. **

**Author's Note: Thanks again to all who have taken the time to read and leave a note for me. I hope you continue to enjoy the story and where it might take you on a personal level ... please let me know what you think! **

**Chapter 18 – La Isla Bonita – Part 2 of 4**

Derek pulled away from the local bait shop situated in the middle of the small town near his land – _a town that catered mostly to locals, but drew a fair amount of revenues from local tourism_ – the last logical stop for fishing and camping enthusiasts alike. And even though it was only a ten minute drive from the boundary of his land – _Derek always felt like he entered another world when he turned onto the main drag _– the small sleepy town was literally untouched, unfettered by the modern world, complete with perfectly manicured hedges and a single Post Office.

Turning onto the side street that would dead end at his property line, he leaned over and turned the heat on, blowing the air directly at his feet, he sighed and chuckled aloud – _for as cold as it was (and he wasn't gonna lie, they were freezing their asses off), as unbelievable as their journey was_ – he was ecstatic to be back … and for the first time since he arrived in Seattle – _he had no fear_ – he had no reservations and quite honestly couldn't wait to begin this next phase of his life with Meredith – _for somehow being 'home' made the 'dream of them' _– a reality_._

_And right now – right this minute – it was a reality he couldn't wait to get back to. Having been out for just over an hour to pick up all they didn't pick up a day and a half ago when they went out with their foggy heads, treading on their rubber band legs to get some food – and that blessed extra heater – and as silly as it was, he could admit now that he missed Meredith and regretted she was napping without him. Yeah, Derek Shepherd was a sap … he could admit that much._

He passed over the property line and smiled when the Oil Company truck passed him, remembering now that they were scheduled to come out and fill the above-ground oil tank that would heat the cabin. The technician waved, Derek raised his hand, happier than hell that they would have heat when they moved in next week, even happier that he thought to buy oil futures with the company – _for he had locked in an amazing rate for the next three years_ – uninterrupted heat … heat, heat, heat_ – his mind drifted to the island for a beat, the warm sun on his back, the hot breeze swirled all around him _– until he let it go… for now.

He smiled, turning to the left and down now, driving onto the new paved driveway that led down to the cabin. He pulled the car up to the carport, his thoughts shifting to his secret plans for the sunset tonight. He hopped out of the car and grabbed the large box with his wares – _a small cooler packed with mini cheesecake torts topped with mango slices and two small bottles of sparkling apple cider –_ an oversized fur-lined sleeping bag, an extra down blanket with a fleece cover, two hurricane lanterns and a small box of matches for both the lanterns and the fire pit.

Derek walked carefully along the wraparound stone walkway now _– making his way around the perimeter of the cabin_ – crossing over the back porch, the fire pit in plain sight now. Taking in the more rustic atmosphere of his surroundings, he once again noticed how damp the air was – _it was damp, but it wasn't sticky and hot and sweet_ – and as breathtaking as this land was, he missed the sticky, sweet heat of Bali … he missed it and he missed being there. On that thought – _with sticky, sweet heat on his mind now_ – Derek set his supplies down along the small retaining wall built around the fire pit, designed to keep the wind at a minimum and the heat where it should be.

_He smiled, setting the cooler on the ground, confident that Meredith would be tickled with the idea of watching the sunset tonight – and while he missed the island, he really just wanted to prove to her and to himself that all they needed was one another to stay warm and dry and safe (and sticky and sweet and hot too), he wanted her to remember that home is where the heart is and that's exactly where they were … home – and as cold as it was, he simply wanted to enjoy the land and their time alone before life would begin to swirl and move all around them again._

Satisfied everything was set up; Derek turned away from the area and briskly walked back to the car, his mind on slipping into bed with Meredith now. The cooler, daytime breeze whipped up –_coming from the water_ – it was damp, earthy and salty and slowly becoming more familiar. It smelled almost smelled like home – _his dream was really beginning to become his reality _– he felt it now and was sure he would only feel it more when they met Meredith's gang (plus Burke) tomorrow night for dinner. Derek inhaled a deep breath and let the natural essence of their homeland consume him for a beat. He rounded the last corner and was suddenly jarred by the unfamiliar ring of his cell phone – _the faint echo of the modern device became louder and louder as he pulled it from his pocket and eyed the LCD curiously_ – it was Burke. He smiled tightly and flipped the phone open.

"Preston," he said into the line.

"_Derek, welcome home my friend it's good to hear your voice, although email sufficed did it not," _Burke answered with a chuckle; Derek could see his wry grin in his mind's eye.

"Email was just fine enough … how's everything? I hear we'll see you tomorrow night," Derek said, standing outside of his car now.

"_We'll be there come hell or high water – it's hard to imagine we've been engaged and planning a wedding with Meredith away – these women of ours are so …,"_ Burke's voice dropped off the line.

"Tight and loyal … and tolerant –"

"_Yes … of and to each other, which was my point,"_ Burke interrupted with a snort.

"It was mine too," Derek chuckled, leaning against the side of the car. He slipped his free hand into his jacket pocket, shrugging his shoulders against the cooler breeze.

"_Thank God you're back,"_ Burke exhaled, his relief, evident. Both men chuckled.

"It's good to be back – _it'll be nice to be back, to cut again_ – to get back into the game," Derek agreed.

"_Well, as you know – not much has changed around here – Chief's still the Chief,"_ he muttered.

"And you're still the Cardio-God you always wanted to be right?" Derek ribbed. "And the wedding – _and don't forget there's the wedding you never knew you wanted_ – am I right?" he teased.

"_Enough," _he chuckled._ "Speaking of weddings I never thought possible … so you and Grey…,"_ he wondered aloud. _"How's she feeling these days, no further complications?"_ he asked.

"Nope, she great, the baby's great," Derek breathed, realizing once again how new the idea of the baby felt and would feel to those around them. He smiled. "They're both great and Meredith's happy – _she's happy, really happy _– the trip was … powerful," he sighed, already lost within the magic of the island and what it brought forth in them. "We _woke up_ and now … there's no turning back … there's a clear path now," Derek mused, craning his neck back, peering into the overcast sky through the canopy of swaying Douglas firs. _Everything was exactly how it should be._

"_So dropping everything in Seattle was worth it, in the end …," _Burke's voice trailed off, he sighed heavily.

"Burke?" Derek asked after a beat.

"_I'm here ... sorry,"_ he paused. _"My eye just caught something in a chart here. So, in the end you found what you were looking for …," _he finished his earlier thought.

"I did … we did," Derek confirmed, pulling on the door handle to the car. "So, tomorrow night then?" he asked.

"_Until then my friend,"_ he answered, the line disconnected.

Derek shut the phone and slipped into the car. He closed the door and all was quiet. It was good to be home _– to be back_ – it was good to hear his friend's voice. Derek turned the key over and pulled away from the house, watching it shrink back in the rearview mirror – _suspended in time against the glistening water behind it _– the scene that would become the backdrop to their life together. The house disappeared around the small curvature; Derek slowly pulled up to the trailer and popped the trunk. He got out of the car – _the wind rustled the trees all around him_ – he grabbed his wares and meandered to the door.

Carefully, he opened the door and slipped inside, allowing his eyes to adjust to the dim late morning light before he moved. It was warm – _hot even with both radiators set to 'low' _– he sighed and set the shopping bags down and glanced at the bed, finding Meredith exactly where he left her _– in a deep dream-filled sleep, her breathing was heavy, soft and welcomin_g – he slipped his shoes off. Keeping his eyes trained on her, taking in the way her arm rested tenderly over her belly now, Derek smiled – _she was safe and dry and warm and happy _– her essence permeated the small space. _Yeah, he was home._

Derek approached the bed, pulling his sweater and long sleeve shirt over his head together before he let his pants fall to the floor, suddenly exhausted again – _for the sudden onslaught of heat combined with jetlag could do that to a person_ – he mused silently as he pulled the covers back and slipped into bed behind his lover.

_As soon as he lay his head down on his pillow – he crashed – his body sank like an anchor into the mess of linens, only the intricate design of the mattress springs keeping him afloat now – adding the small bit of buoyancy he would need – as he tried to combat his body's urges to let it all go. And fight he would – for he wanted to remember these early days of quiet solitude with Meredith and longed to live within their untainted spiritual connection – preserve it and own it._

_Forcing his eyes open, Derek focused on the waves of Meredith's golden tresses for a long beat before he finally let his eyes close on her. He relaxed into the radiation of her heat though, still keeping a small distance between his body and hers – unwilling to jeopardize waking her – for she needed sleep as much as he did._

_Losing himself now, Derek took a deep breath and let sleep come for him too … thanking any God who might have been listening for this moment – this chance – secretly cherishing the idea of coming home to Meredith Grey every night for the rest of his life._

_He fell even deeper into the hot waves of bed linens now as he wrapped his mind around that last prospect – the rest of his life – once again in awe of the idea of reliving precious moments like these when everything in the world was silent and aligned and complete, moments when he would be home and safe and warm in a cool, dry place … with the love of his life._

_Tears stung his eyes and moisture crept in, sealing off those crevices – stealing any free space he had left – and that's when she rolled into his heat … back, back, back until there was no space between them. His eyes were wet beneath his lids; she took his hand in hers and relaxed, growing heavier for a beat. He reflexively moved his feet against hers and held her close – and then, just like the sum of the parts, everything really was right where it was meant to be – the baby and Meredith and him … napping together tucked deep inside a forest in the middle of Seattle. Home is where the heart is._

"_I missed you," _came her tiny voice, dry and honest.

"_I missed you too,"_ he said without opening his eyes.

_And there in that moment, the deep, velvety darkness of sleep came for him – and without warning he was enveloped, completely stuck and sated – Meredith's breathing became slow and easy again. Derek relaxed into that cherished black emptiness, becoming aware enough to feel Meredith's heartbeat under his palm – matching his rhythm with hers now._

_The air became warm and sticky and sweet – he breathed Meredith in, his nose pushed against the back of her ear, his lips pressed against her sweet, hot skin – she burrowed deeper, he accepted her with open arms, pressing his hand along her fuller belly … 'I missed you too baby'. Another wave of fulfilled exhaustion crashed over him._

_He sank deeper and deeper into their beloved sea of bliss until the indigo waves of the deep Indian Ocean rolled all around him, the warm inviting currents massaging his body now; the sun pressed down on his shoulders, the wind was hot and damp … paradisiacal. The strong essence of the island – Meredith's essence, mango-infused lavender, vanilla, vanilla, vanilla – encapsulated him now until he was surrounded by her spiritual aura … rich and content and happy – she was dreaming and happy, happily dreaming – and so was he._

###

_Derek stirred, shifting to find Meredith …but she wasn't there. He couldn't say if hours had passed or mere minutes, for time once again had lost its meaning – all he knew was that Meredith's melodic giggled filled the air all around him, funneling into his ears like a clarion call – effectively waking him up once again to his beautiful reality of a dream._

He opened his sleepy gateways to find her and then he sighed – _she was a sight for sore eyes _– and not in the literal sense (_because his eyes were literally sore_), but in the sense that … for so long – _so many sleepless nights he dreamt of waking up to see her in the morning_ – perched like she was right now at the small dinette – _looking out the window over the stretch of land_ – her eyes sparkling against the dim overhead lamp as she quietly engaged in animated conversation, her conversation lost on him. She giggled again and drew in a big sigh – _saying something about two babies_ – and in that moment … Derek would have moved, but was already lost within her …

_The waves of her wild hair from all their sleeping and rolling and cuddling …_

_The shape of her mouth and the way it curved upwards into a genuine smile …_

_The way her almond-tanned skin reflected off her of her long sleeve mint green tee …_

_The swell of her chest and the outline of her taut nipples as she moved her hand across her flesh to massage her tender breasts …_

_The beautiful curve of her hips under the thin fabric of her yoga pants as she sat Indian style._

Derek pushed himself back against the padded headboard, the rustle of the bed linens intruded the relative silence, watching now as his lover turn toward him – _smiling widely when she saw he was awake_ – she uncrossed her feet and walked to him, her eyes locked with his.

_She looked rested._

_She was home._

_She was relaxed._

_It was as simple as that._

_She sat down on the bed, her knee jackknifed against Derek's thigh – her smile was bright, her eyes were twinkling – full of mystery and intrigue, not unlike the night he met her._

"Hold on a sec," she said into the phone, before she lowered the device and moved closer to Derek. "You're awake," she giggled, before she kissed Derek on the mouth – _slow and easy, taking her time_ – like she had all the time in the world. Derek kissed her back, matching her tempo, breathing her in as he did.

"Who's holding on?" he asked against her lips.

"Larissa and Peter," she chuckled. "Want to say _'hi'_?" she asked quietly.

"Yeah, sure," he smiled. Meredith pulled back and set the call to speakerphone.

"_Now listen here my peach, that's no way to talk to your strong, virile husband of a man is it?"_ came Peter's famous chortle.

"_No my love, I suppose it isn't … I feel just wretched in this heat and you're … breathing all over me,"_ Larissa cooed … the faux-petulance skillfully layered in the familiar timbre of her voice.

Meredith met Derek's gaze – _the couple smirked at their friends' antics_ – Meredith moved under the covers and sat shoulder to shoulder with Derek now. Pushing herself deeper, she handed the phone to him.

"Some things never change," Derek interjected with a chuckle.

"_Oh, well, I dare say, Larissa, the old man finally woke up! What is this? Changing of the guards, has Meredith dropped off?"_ Peter chided.

"Nope, still here," she smiled, resting her head on Derek's shoulder now while he held the phone on his lap.

"_Derek – that was quite a heartbeat you sent over – strong, lovely … I was just telling Meredith as much a moment ago,"_ Larissa mused happily.

"Oh yeah … it was … amazing," he mused, drawing Meredith near. Thank you again for the gift – _you know, we left the Doppler at the clinic_ – Ketut was …," his voice trailed off when he said their beloved friend's name.

"Awestruck, I would say … mystified and grateful," Meredith offered sincerely, burrowing deeper, looking for comfort now.

"So, did I catch something about _two _babies when I woke up just now, or was I still dreaming?" Derek wondered aloud, for now that he knew who Meredith was speaking with, the bit and pieces he did hear from her side of the conversation had started to make more sense.

"_You did lover, you heard right – well with an early blood test to confirm it – we think the conditions were optimal," _Larissa chimed in; she was breathless.

"Oh wow – _that's something else_ – two babies," Derek breathed, his voice catching for a beat. His eyes met Meredith's glassy gateways, her happiness on display. "What will they be … sixteen weeks apart?" Derek asked, his hand finding Meredith's belly. Her hand found his.

"_About that,"_ Peter confirmed. _"Now all we have to do it wait ... wait to confirm, but so far so good, right my peach – besides my breathing all over you – it seems we're happy!" _Peter cackled.

"_Oh you old fool!"_ Larissa snorted playfully.

"_That I am, that I am,"_ he concurred wholeheartedly.

"Speaking of old fools, how's Owen? How was your fishing trip?" Derek asked enthusiastically.

"_Oh it was something else – marvelous hardly covers it – and Owen, he's fine … more than fine! He took a week off for Christ's sake! And believe you me, it was something I never thought I would live to see,"_ Peter raved breathlessly.

"And he's gone already – _submersed, unreachable_ – just like that?" Derek asked; his residual worry over Owen's status apparent now as he draped his arm along Meredith's shoulders.

"Tell Derek about his proposition," Meredith offered, burrowing deeper, she rested her cheek against Derek's heart – _lulled already by his steady rhythm_ – she became heavier in his arms.

"_Oh yes – that we shall make an annual pilgrimage of a fishing trip – an expedition of sorts, one that we take turns orchestrating, yourself included mate,"_ he chatted joyfully.

"Wow … so it sounds like he kind of woke up on the trip too …," Derek surmised, cradling Meredith in his arms. "Amazing," he sighed.

"_It is darling,"_ Larissa cooed. _"He was a mess – but he's happier now – I think he's really happy and as much as I know he wanted to get to Yemen, he was excited to have the time away, wouldn't you agree lover?"_ she asked Peter.

"_Right-O, he's a changed man, or on his way there is my guess – we'll see if this sticks – a couple weeks from now when we'll all hear from him we'll know his state of mind,"_ Peter answered seriously.

"He's happy … just like us, I know it'll stick," Meredith stated firmly, stifling a yawn. "Sorry," she mumbled with a chuckle.

"_Ah, you're entitled, love – let us take off Peter – leave these two to catch up on sleep,"_ Larissa said softly.

"_Yes, lets do,"_ Peter agreed.

"So, you'll be in touch when you know more about those _optimal conditions_?" Meredith asked hopefully as she lazed on Derek's chest.

"_Of course lovers and you'll call us when you tell Mrs. Shepherd and all your friends about that love-baby of yours!"_ Larissa exclaimed.

Meredith peeked up to Derek and smiled. "We will, we'll keep the world smaller … one phone call and one fishing trip at a time," Derek chuckled.

"_That's a masterful plan old buddy … alright, until then, lets all speak after we hear from Owen,"_ Peter instructed.

"Will do – _goodbye _– talk to you soon and … congratulations," Meredith said into the phone.

"_Thank you my peach – bye lovers – take good care of each other, until later then …,"_ Larissa said.

The line disconnected and Meredith sighed and kissed Derek's chest. "It'll stick," she murmured.

"I'm hopeful too," Derek replied, closing the cell phone. He held it in his hand. Meredith became heavier in his arms; he pressed a kiss to the top of her head, breathing her in as he did. "Are you hungry?" he asked softly after a beat.

"No, I made a sandwich a bit ago, left half for you … do you want it?" she asked, peeking up to find him.

He smiled. "No, I'm okay," he smiled like he had a secret. He glanced at the clock; they had about a half hour until sundown.

"What?" she asked; her curiosity evident, she leaned up and pulsed her lips over his.

"Hmm," he hummed against her mouth. "Well … I thought I'd take you out," he whispered thickly.

Meredith giggled. "Like on a date?" she asked.

"Kind of," he said, giving nothing away. Meredith sat up and faced him, her eyes danced with excitement in the dim evening light.

"Date night," she breathed happily.

"Date night … sounds perfect," he agreed, kissing her lips quickly.

###

A little while later, the wool-and fleece-bundled couple walked hand in hand down to the cabin – _it was hard to believe they would be moving in two weeks, that she would be moving in with Derek, that they would come home to one another for the rest of their lives_ – she shook her head, for there were times when Meredith felt like this was all a dream … except that it was her life.

_Her life was her dream. Her dream was her life. Well maybe not the baby part – but the rest of it – yeah … and now the baby too. Tears of raw emotion pricked her eyes … no, now there was no dream or reality without this baby. The baby had become her everything – her territorial love for this small creation – it scared her … this love she harbored for their little creation that grew exponentially and with such fervor, that it often hurt (and in the most amazing of ways too, like a small prick from a thorn right to the heart muscle …ping, ping, ping), ouch it hurt._

A cool breeze whipped up all around them, pulling Meredith from her private reverie. She squeezed Derek's hand, still curious about his plans for their "date", chuckling aloud she glanced in his direction now and watched a wry grin cover his face, he shook his head and Meredith snorted with laughter.

_Derek was happy – relaxed and happy, even with all the talk of returning to work and the stresses there – he was happy, so it seemed to Meredith that Owen's happiness was not the only shared change to hold on to – it was hers and Derek's and Owen's – it was the sum total of the trip and the impact of the tsunami, that perfect storm they all felt but thankfully did nothing to avoid. It was the island and the people, the Balinese and their wide, accepting eyes that helped them all see beyond their current horizon to the next._

Derek flipped the flashlight on; the darker ground became illuminated as they stepped onto the new paved driveway. Meredith squeezed Derek's hand; he moved them inside his jacket pocket, warm and safe now. _They approached anterior of the cabin, the light sensors went on, their new home sparkled with light all of a sudden._ Derek clicked the flashlight off as they made their way along the stonework porch to the back entrance. Once there, Meredith saw another smile cross over Derek's features while she realized their destiny was in plain sight now: _the fire pit._

Making their way to their destination, Meredith realized how chilly she had become in just the short jaunt down to the water _– a shiver ripped up and down her spine_ – one that didn't go unnoticed by Derek.

"Come on, lets warm you up," he teased lightly. Meredith chuckled, bumping her hip against his as they stopped at the trellis.

_The sky was getting darker by the minute now – the sun setting behind the cabin, the lavender, over cast sky twinkled above them – as the trees rustled their leaves, low and high, welcoming in the close of the day. A cool breeze whipped across the porch and Meredith said a silent prayer once again for the promise of oil heat. She watched Derek get to work on his promise by first pulling a down blanket from a box that sat on the ground in between the set of double-wide Adirondack chairs made from teak – he came to stand in front of Meredith and draped the soft fleece covered blanket along her shoulders – he winked before he stepped into her space and kissed her, soft and quick._

_Next he busied himself with lighting the wood pieces inside the copper cauldron fire pit – within minutes, the damp wood was crackling to life – fragrant smoke twirled up and up and up and into the lavender-hued sky. Once he was satisfied, he carefully lit two hurricane lanterns, leaving one on the small teak coffee table and the other along the back of the retaining wall. Meredith stepped closer to the cauldron, drawn to its heat already._

_Lastly, he pulled an extra large sleeping bag from its duffle-style cover and tossed it over the foam padding of one of the Adirondack chairs; using the sleeping bag tie to attach the fabric to the top of the chair so it wouldn't slip to the bottom part of the chair. He flashed a winning smile at Meredith when he pulled the flap down to reveal the fur lining._

"Like I said, let's warm you up," he said suggestively. Meredith giggled, her cheeks already heated from the fire pit.

"I like the sound of that – _you know, this is pretty romantic_ – cold, but hot at the same time," Meredith said as she walked into Derek's arms. "Thank you," she whispered against his cold lips.

"Welcome," he breathed – _the air was smoky, sultry … damp and freezing_ – but they were home. "I love you," he whispered, his mind once again reeling, flipping around the cabin and all it stood for … now and forever.

"I love you too," Meredith whispered, drawing him near, the heat from the fire licking her backside, she turned slightly and felt her back grow cool. She moved her toes around in her shoes … she was cold and wondered, would she ever defrost? She pushed the cold tip of her nose into Derek's neck just below his ear.

"I'm serious now, let's warm you up," he muttered before he kissed her neck.

_Meredith turned out of his arms and walked to the double-wide chair; she tossed the blanket out and covered the bottom half of the sleeping bag with it, adding yet another layer of warmth. She slipped her shoes off – Derek held the flap back and Meredith slipped inside – he followed suit. Unzipping his coat, Meredith lay her head on Derek's chest, the sky was already grayish midnight blue – no chance to see the stars here – but that was fine by them, for just knowing they were there was somehow enough. Meredith burrowed deeper, rubbing her feet along Derek's, seeking friction while he pulled the flap up and over her shoulders._

_He kissed the top of her head and closed his eyes, feeling the heat lick his face for a beat before he felt Meredith's cool lips and nose press into his neck as she peppered his skin with kisses. He chuckled and opened his eyes to find hers. They turned to watch the flames now – orange and red, white hot and blue – it was stunning, innately gorgeous, completely welcoming and terrifying at the same time. The flames' actions were wild, untamed … unbiased, licking, teasing and taunting … completely uninhibited … it was sensual, arousing … hot._

"We need a spark screen," Meredith murmured, her mind on the wind, she craned her neck back, thinking now about how far the pit was from the trellis and the cabin, made mostly of wood.

"We do," he chuckled. "We'll get one first thing tomorrow," he said, nuzzling her neck.

"First thing?" she asked with a chuckle of her own. "Like it out here do you?" she prompted, pressing her lips along his jaw line and down into his neck.

"I do," he said. "It's the warmest I've been since we stepped off that plane," he chuckled and so did she.

"I bet I could make you warmer," Meredith cooed, slipping deeper into the bag, she rolled to her side, draped her leg over his thighs, her hand resting on the waistband of his fleece-lined warm up pants.

"I have no doubt about that," Derek replied, eying her carefully.

"I'm hot," she stated factually, unbuttoning her coat, she pulled it off, lay it on the ground and slipped back into the bag.

"I know," Derek teased; Meredith squirmed as he kissed her while his fingers dancing along the neckline of the thin fabric of her mint green top.

_The lovers' moans filled the air, dancing now with the flames as they began to kiss each other in earnest now. Meredith sat up and pushed Derek's coat from his shoulders, the heat pushed on her back, warming her there as he hands made contact with his warm skin through his long sleeve shirt… waking her up, heating her up. He dropped his jacket to the ground before his cool hands found his lover's hot, flushed cheeks where he locked his eyes on hers – her green gateways sparkling vividly – against the white hot flames._

"Hmm, I missed you," Derek said in between kisses, his hand found the nape of her neck, he drew her closer – _holding her in place now while he kissed her senseless_ – tasting her, touching her … reconnecting with her.

"Me too," she sighed deeply. The smoky air filling her lungs, sultry, earthy … raw and organic, matching her need for Derek, tenfold. "I want you," she muttered against his mouth, moving to straddle his hips.

_His hands found the waistband of her yoga pants where he slipped is fingertips underneath the thin fabric, outlining the thin strip of her thong panties. Meredith pressed her pelvis against Derek's – her fuller belly brushing along his abdomen now – his hand swept down, he raised his shirt and then hers – skin on skin … there truly was nothing like it. Meredith pushed her hips down, Derek's cock, twitched at her silent command._

_Her lips found his neck where neck where they stayed, her hair blowing in the hot-cold breeze all around them – the dual sensation – leaving nothing to be desired, for it was perfectly balanced, perfectly in sync just like the lovers. Derek pushed Meredith's pants down, inching them below her tush, before he raised his foot and maneuvered them down to her feet, taking her thong along with them. Rolling flush against his side, her lips never leaving his, Meredith slipped her hand into his pants and fisted his hot cock with her cooler hand. Derek moaned and urgently lost the rest of his pants and boxers, kicking them into the depths of the sleeping bag._

_Meredith ducked down and before he knew what happened her mouth was on his cock where she lazily sucked his shaft, playing with his head, swirling her tongue, lapping and nipping and moaning – singing his praises while he sang hers into the air all around them – the dark, overcast, smoky, sultry, hot, yet cool air. Derek watched Meredith's head bob up and down as she sucked him off, he moved her hair aside and watched her skillful mouth take all that he had to offer and then some. Her hands found his sack where she palmed him; his hands found her soft hair where he held on tight and let his own head fall back in submission. Damn, he missed her! His cock grew harder – pulsing with its own vigor into the back of her throat now – dormant while they were sleeping, his animalistic urge for his woman just 'woke up'!_

"Meredith," he called out breathlessly, rubbing her back, he felt her ease up.

_Without another word she straddled Derek again – her core on fire – her sex funneling up from the depths of the bag now, his mouth watered … he longed to taste her sweet skin, her fleshy essence. She pushed her hands on Derek's chest and met his gaze for a beat before she pulled her shirt over her head and let it float to the ground. Derek smiled as she leaned forward, he reached and pulled the fleece down blanket up, draping her shoulders with it, making a quarantine of their heat – saving it, cherishing it, her essence was thick – it was the air they breathed … his mind went blank, everything was hot!_

_Leaning forward, Meredith snaked her hand down and fisted his muscle, guiding his sensitive head up and down her slick seam, barely breaching her gates – fuck, he felt so good, her sex was hot, covering her hand and his cock in no time – she swirled his engorged pleasure point against her blood-engorged nub, massaging it for a beat before she leaned back and sank onto his rod, deeper and deeper, until her thighs were wrapped around his hips and there was nothing left to take … or to give. She held him in the moment, watching the flames bounce around in his eyes, blue-white-hot … so damn hot._

"Jesus, you feel good," Meredith breathed against his lips before she moved her mouth down to his neck and began to suck on his flesh, tasting him, breathing him in.

_Her lips around his earlobe now, she pressed her teeth down, eliciting a moan from him as she bit into his flesh – she was hungry for him, her pussy swallowed him whole, up, down, cold, hot, cold, hot – as the lovers kissed and lapped and kissed, their tongues dancing, swaying and rocking to the slow tempo Meredith set forth._

_Derek held the blanket up with one hand, allowing his other to hand to move between the valley of her swaying breasts before he leaned forward and gently latched on to one of her nipples, caressing her sensitive flesh in his hand, cupping her there while he feasted like it was his last meal – back and forth he volleyed now – unwilling to let one second pass without his tongue on her skin! Her beautiful raspberry nubs brushing against his face as she fucked him senseless with the delicate muscles of her perfectly toned womanhood. Damn, she was hot!_

_He pulsed upwards, her breasts swelled – her muscles clenched down and around him – she rolled her hips forward sitting atop her lover now, rotating her hips around and around … her soft once again brushing against his abdomen. Derek smiled and looked down, for her belly all of a sudden part of their lovemaking!_

_Naturally, he moved his hand down, resting it along her soft, full belly – and in a moment of pure intimacy he caught Meredith's eyes – half-closed, but also fully aware of this new change for them. She reached down and lay her hand on Derek's – slowing her tempo for a beat – and he watched of tears of joy and wonderment prick her eyes … they were connected, their miracle baby was growing, they were blessed and they were home. She became blurry; the heat was intense. His cheeks heated and he smiled into her eyes through his glassy ones. She lunged forward and kissed him again._

"I love you," he whispered into her ear as he pulsed upwards, seeking the heat of her pussy.

"Oh …oh … and I love you too … so much," she breathed in between pulses; her heart and soul on fire now.

_Their games became more heated after that – Meredith's primal urge to cum brought her to the edge, and fast – leaning forward, she put the heels of her hands against the chair above Derek's head, using the leverage to keep herself raised enough to fuck only the head of his cock. Tiny pulses was all she wanted – slip, slip, slip – the ridge of his head massaging her nerves as she went. Derek's hands found her hips and the blanket collapsed in a heap behind her tush. The crackling fire became alive again, part of them as it pressed its uneven and unbiased heat against Meredith's back, she felt Derek's hand at the base of his cock, holding himself steady so she could have her fun, he became harder still. His want for her would never wane._

_Derek raised his knees now trying to keep them from slipping down while Meredith braced herself against the top of the chair – they were a pulley of energy, elastic and long and undeterred in their goal to get one another off – their bond, their connection working in harmony now as his orgasm grew out of control. He felt his soaked cock react – twitching in his hand – seeking the heat only his lover's pussy could offer. Meredith yelped in surprise at the breach, giggling breathlessly as she leaned back and pressed her beautiful pussy down and over his rod again … inch by inch – he watched himself disappear into her depths – by the bright light of the fire behind her. _

"You're so hot," he husked into her ear as she leaned forward, her hands on his shoulders now. "I'm close," he muttered, his sack tightened.

"Me too, I need more …of you … hot, so hot," she heaved.

_Her eyes closed in bliss, her head lolled back as she pressed her pelvis against his, trying to add pressure to her clit, before she leaned back slightly and exposed her nub – spreading her hood back to reveal her woman's secret, the core of her sexuality, her bright pink protected flesh – anything to add the friction she desired._

_Derek removed her fingers, replacing them with his own now as he began to work her slick nub, massaging it gently – brushing it with his thumb, back and forth now – as her abundant sex arrested him on the spot. His mouth watered, longing for her essence to cover his throat but unwilling to do anything more than to cum with his lover – he body reacted, his urge to pulse into her heat grew tenfold when he heard Meredith yelp, encouraging his ministrations. She leaned forward and became to ride him, her muscles taut around his rod, her nerve endings snapping now, popping like the crackling fire!_

_Hot. Slick. Heat. Muscles. Nerves. Flames. Red. White. Blue. Orange. White. White. White. Clit. Bang. Fuck. Suck. Nipples. Face. Heat. Sex. Raw. Precise. Animalistic. Innate. Heat. Slick. Hot._

_Meredith clenched down, she heard her warbled call to Derek, it hung in the air, suspending amongst the fire's embers and the twirls of smoke and the crackling wood – her muscles began to pulse, her nerves were shot – her clit was on fire as Derek worked her into a heated frenzy … her orgasm popped, washing over her now like a wildfire over a desert plane!_

_A deep fire smoldered in her core, burning her from the inside out as her body sought what it needed from the only man she ever loved … the raw power of him, his essence, his sex … just him._

_She heard Derek growl as he came and knew they had arrived on the other side of bliss – she knew that no retardant could extinguish their fire – that they were burning up from their love and she would have it no other way._

_Derek's body writhed beneath hers, he let his legs relax; his rod pulsed up, up, up into Meredith's heat, he couldn't get enough of her. She came to rest over him, pressing her lips to his neck, sucking and nipping on his flesh, her muscles still constricting around him, holding him in place as he gave himself to her – 'I love you, love you, love you' – his cock slowly softening as it eased from her molten depths, struck by the cold air swirling all around them. Meredith rolled to his side, Derek pulled both the sleeping bag and extra down blanket around them as they kissed and kissed and basked in unique fire of them._

###

"Are you cold?" Derek asked, lost within their heat, the smell of their sex already having taken up residence in the sleeping bag.

"No, I'm hot … remember," Meredith giggled against his neck, Derek pulled her closer. She took a deep breath of her lover in, cherishing him for now and always.

"I remember," he sighed, running his hand along the smooth plane of her back before he found her hip.

_Meredith jackknifed her thigh over Derek's, her tired pussy and sensitive nub pressed against his hip. She turned her attention to the fire for a beat – watching the flames dance in the light wind coming off of the water – craning her neck up, the cabin looming behind them, the overcast sky above that … the stars deep in the universe over that still … they were small, so small and yet, when they made love, sometimes it felt like they moved mountains or started wildfires. She closed her eyes in heated bliss._

"Are you hungry?" Derek asked, his eyes following the flames.

"No, I'm perfect, perfectly happy," Meredith answered. "It's sticking … my happiness," she sighed, pointing her cold nose into Derek's neck.

"It is for me too … perfectly sticky," Derek chuckled; Meredith squeezed him on his lame joke. "I love you," Derek sighed, burrowing deeper, his hand found her belly where he rubbed tiny circles … _love, love, love._

"And I love you …," Meredith replied naturally. "Do you think we can sleep for a while out here?" she asked, her eyes closing again.

"I think so …," Derek answered softly, the fire crackled on in the background. "Sleep, I'll wake you up soon," he sighed into her hair.

_Relaxing now – thankful their happiness was sticking, relieved to be home, home is where the heart is – all the while he watched the wild flames dance together in perfect harmony to the beat of their own melody._

**Chapter 18 – La Isla Bonita – Part 3 of 4 to follow.**


	46. Chapter 18, La Isla Bonita, Part 3 of 4

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al. **

**Author's Note: I loved this chapter and what it does to move the characters along. Thanks so much to those readers who have chosen to take some time and leave a note for me. It means a lot and I look forward to reading your thoughts, so keep it up please!**

**Chapter 18 – La Isla Bonita – Part 3 of 4**

_Meredith Grey had a feeling._

She looked up and found herself through the foggy vanity mirror – _she looked perfectly fine and happy; great even_ – but this … feeling had been with her for the last few hours now and it still wasn't passing. _No, it was there like the onset of a fever … an undercurrent, she was forgetting something … and it was a big something._ She leaned forward and scrutinized her skin before she applied a delicate layer of moisturizer. Smoothing her wild hair down, she realized it wasn't bothersome like it normally might have been at this length – _it was long, too long and wavy and unmanageable _– but still, she left it alone.

A thin stratum of humidity still filled the small room, a pleasant reminder of Bali – _although admittedly the steam did not linger as it was meant to and it could have been about forty-five degrees warmer_ – but with the dream of the island being all Meredith could have at the moment, she'd take it. She glanced at her watch – _they had about an hour before they had to leave for the ferry _– having already spoken with both Cristina and Izzie more than once today – she felt things were certainly starting to … normalize or become routine, habit and it was nice to be home and speak with her friends rather than via the voicemail exchange she'd grown accustomed to over the last couple of months. And yet as much as everything was falling into place she still felt ill at ease.

_She had a feeling and it wasn't passing._

She sat down on top of the toilet seat and slipped on a pair of black opaque leggings, already wearing the only long sleeve dress she had packed for her trip, a deep purple wraparound. The waistband to the leggings was tighter, actually tight, as in this was probably the last time she would be able to wear them – _and then she smiled_ – fourteen weeks _… fourteen weeks today! _Her hand found her belly where she ran her palm along the soft, covered flesh. She smiled and stood, smoothing her dress down as she did. She slipped a black pair of ballet flats on.

Another week had gone by and again it felt like a lifetime in between, for so much had happened … so much had changed! And right here, right now, faced with the prospect of making her pregnancy _real_ to the rest her family – _she __should__ have felt that 'feeling', here was where the 'feeling' should have resided _– but it didn't.

Because Meredith wasn't worried about their reaction to the news of her pregnancy as much as she was curious to find out how they would respond to the change in her priorities. She was no longer a surgical intern, she wasn't feverishly studying for the interns' exam, she just wasn't in the game – _she wasn't part of the pack, even though she was part of the family_ – and in the most calming way, she was perfectly happy regardless. And maybe that 'feeling' didn't reside within her announcement because her family already knew she was happy – _there was no denying it, no escaping it or hiding it_ – because her happiness was sticking … and tonight, she and Derek would stand before her _family_ and share their exciting news with them and without a doubt in her mind, she would embrace the moment.

_And that's when it hit her – the feeling – and it did in fact reside within the idea of family. She smiled … and then the mother she had already become knew what needed to be done._

With those thoughts in mind, she exited the bathroom _– the cooler air slammed into her like a wall _– she hugged herself and searched her brain for something warm enough to slip on over her dress, a shiver coursed through her body.

"You look lovely," Derek said softly, admiring her outfit now –_ for since they had been home neither one spent more than a few seconds getting dressed –_ it was too damn cold to care.

_So yeah, Meredith looked beautiful, stunning – with her wild hair and her apple-flushed cheeks, the swell of her breasts along the plunging neckline of her dress, her tiny belly well-protected by the gathering of fabric at her waistline – no, she still didn't look pregnant to the naked eye, but to him … this pregnancy, this baby just made her emanated her happiness and inner peace. She was aligned._

Meredith crossed the room where Derek stood in front of his closet; she took one of his v-neck cashmere sweaters down and pulled it over her head, completely covering that plunging neckline he had his eyes on. He chuckled and sat down on the bed to put his shoes on. She sat down next to him.

"I've had a feeling all day," she blurted out into the quiet. She watched Derek freeze for a beat before he looked up and back to her. "And I was waiting for it to pass … you know …," she smiled sheepishly. Derek chuckled and sat upright.

"Hmm, a feeling … that wouldn't pass," Derek prompted somewhat mystified by his sense of déjà vu – _his mind on any number of things now_ – but mostly dread and pink mist and bombs.

"Yeah," Meredith breathed, resting her head on his shoulder. "It was – _I was missing something, forgetting something_ – and then it just hit me," she rambled, turning to find Derek's eyes. She smiled.

"Meredith," he smiled.

"I want to tell your mom about the baby before we go tonight –_ I think it's only right, she's your mother and … I'm a mother, I'd want to know first, if it were me_ – she should know … before anyone else," her voice trailed off when she watched a smile play along his face …levity consumed him. "I'm ready Derek … to make this real …," she sighed.

"It's real to me and you," he replied simply, in awe of her kind gesture – _a mother already_ – his heart melted away a little bit just now … just another small piece of himself he'd relinquished to her. "You're stuck with me … I'm sticking," he added, his hands found her skull and she giggled. "So … you're ready," he sighed with a smile, his heart stirring with emotion he hadn't expected.

"I am," she said inching closer. "I love you," she whispered before she brushed her lips against his, soft and quick.

"I love you too," he sighed happily, knowing that they would have called his mother at some point before they returned to work, but this idea coming from Meredith, well, it was a big step for her; she never ceased to amaze him. "Shall we?" he asked, reaching to his bedside table, he grabbed his cell phone and flipped it open. "Speaker phone …?" he prompted.

"Yeah," she said softly as he dialed, her heart raced. "If you think – _well, I know you think she'll be happy_ – but maybe it should be just you for a minute, so she doesn't … _have to perform if_ –"

Derek held the phone out without pressing_ 'send'_. "The choice is yours," he chuckled. "She'll be thrilled," he assured as he watched Meredith's cheeks heat.

"You first, just you," she murmured, knowing his mother would _in fact_ be happy about this baby – _the voicemails she and Derek had exchanged while they were away were enough to know that _– for she knew they were together now and had commented on his apparent happiness many times over. Meredith knew there was no judgment, at least where his mother was concerned.

_Derek held the phone down and away from his ear and executed the call; Meredith leaned closer so she could hear. The phone began to ring, his mother picked up the line, her serious no-nonsense, yet somehow soft voice funneled through the receiver._

"_Hello,"_ she answered.

"Hi Mom," Derek greeted with a smile both on his face and in his voice.

"_Derek dear! How are you – how's Meredith – oh and the cabin?"_ she asked breathlessly, her warm smile seeped through the line.

"We're just great, taking our time with the jetlag … adjusting to the cold," Derek offered, leaning into Meredith's heat as he spoke. He winked at her. She smiled.

"_Oh, I'm sure the two of you will be just fine,"_ his mother encouraged lightly.

_Derek draped his free arm around Meredith's shoulders. She glanced at Derek; his mother's choice of words did not go unnoticed. Derek smiled and pressed a kiss to Meredith's temple._

"Well yeah … actually Mom …. I kind of wanted to talk to you about that – _see the two of us_ – well, it's not just the two of us anymore …," Derek said softly, he watched Meredith's hand drop to her belly where it stayed.

"_Yes, I know dear,"_ came his mother's voice, an even wider smile matched her tone now, while Meredith and Derek's eyes were just as wide.

"Mom … what?" Derek asked keeping his eyes trained on Meredith for confirmation as he spoke now. "I was careful, we wanted to wait until we heard the heartbeat – _which Mom, is amazing, so fast and strong_ – we just wanted to be home, you know?" he clarified with a tight smile. "We just wanted to get home first … and I was careful not to slip! How the heck did you know?" Derek asked in amazement.

"_Oh, Derek,"_ she chuckled. _"Is Meredith there?"_ she asked, Meredith nodded, silently giving her answer.

"_She's right here, let me put the speaker phone on,"_ he said, holding the phone between them, he engaged the speakerphone. _"Mom, we're both here,"_ he said softly, drawing Meredith near.

"_Meredith dear – how are you – how far along are you? I assume Derek's been taking good care of you?"_ she asked, rapid-fire style.

"Hi …," Meredith smiled, her heart raced, was she actually doing this thing? _'This chat with the future mother in-law thing?'_ "I'm feeling … perfect," she smiled. "We're at fourteen weeks today and Derek's right – _the baby's heartbeat is strong –_ we can send an audio file to you if you like," she breathed, the echo of the baby's heartbeat filled her eardrums. She smiled. "We're happy Mrs. Shepherd … really happy," she sighed, meeting Derek's eyes.

"_Oh Meredith, I know … I can tell,"_ she mused.

"Mom, how did you know … what gave us away?" he asked with a chuckle. His mother amazed him most of the time, but this … this took the cake.

"_Derek, your sisters have produced fourteen children between them,"_ she sighed. _"I __know__ when a Shepherd is in the presence of a miracle, son …I just know,"_ she mused. Derek kissed Meredith's temple, he watched her eyes gloss over. _"I knew from your voice dear, it came through with every voicemail – this trip you took together, it opened your eyes, I could tell everything was vivid and real … to you – your tone changed too …you became more tolerant and I could tell you were … fostering something, fathering … someone …,"_ she sighed into the line.

_Meredith sniffled – their baby was a miracle, such a blessing – her heart clamored inside of her chest, making note of a small tear resting in the corner of Derek's eye. She wanted to reach over to release it, but she left it there instead. Derek pressed his lips together – 'I love you' – he mouthed to her … she returned the sentiment without missing a beat._

"I was … and the trip … every minute we spent there was a blessing, we're still dreaming of the island," Derek replied.

"_How are things at the clinic? What a gift Meredith … you must be so proud,"_ she sighed.

"I am … and thankful too … Ketut, our friend, she's getting settled," Meredith answered softly, her mind on Ketut and Wayan now, _heat, heat, heat. _

"_Glad to hear it, it's a great legacy … it really is,"_ she offered proudly. Derek smiled in appreciation. _"You'll make sure to send that audio file of the baby's heartbeat?" _she asked after a beat.

"I'll send it as soon we get off the line," he promised, meeting Meredith's gaze. Her cheeks were flushed, beautifully so … _she was pregnant._ A smile crossed over his face. Meredith cocked her head. All was quiet for a beat. "Mom, you still there?" he asked.

"_Yes … I'm here … finally another Shepherd baby Derek …," _she hushed, a wisp of emotion lodged in her throat. "_Your dad … he would have been proud too,"_ she mused aloud.

"Oh Mom," Derek soothed. "We know … we know," he sighed, his mind falling onto the memory of the _'temple truths' _game they played only a week ago at _Pura Tirta Empul … this baby would be a Shepherd._

_Meredith smiled widely, her mind on those same precious memories, this baby would be a Shepherd … a Shepherd – her thoughts drifting now for a brief moment to those stock images of the island she kept on file – images she could see like a reel in a ViewMaster, click, click, click … and in an instant, she was back on the peace-filled island with Derek._

"_So, why don't we talk again after you get settled into your routine and move into the cabin,"_ his mother offered softly. _"Meredith you'll call, of course if you need anything at all,"_ she instructed; and just like that she was back to business.

"I will …," Meredith replied. "Oh … and Mrs. Shepherd … I'm glad you're happy," she smiled.

"_I am dear, couldn't be happier, you're both ready for this I can tell …,"_ she announced. _"And Derek, I'm proud of you,"_ she sighed.

"Thanks Mom," he answered. "We'll call you next week some time, I love you," he smiled.

"_I love you too, take good care of each other,"_ she answered, her smile was back, that much was evident.

"We will … we will, bye Mom," Derek said.

"_Bye dear,"_ she answered before she disconnected the line.

_Meredith and Derek fell back against the bed at the same time, heaving a sigh of relief. Meredith giggled breathlessly. Derek snapped the phone shut and smiled. He laid his hand over Meredith's belly._

"Can you believe she knew?" he asked, still mystified by his mother.

"I can actually," Meredith smiled, turning her head to the side. "Everything she said was true – _even though we feel like we haven't changed all that much, we've grown_ – but we've also changed, I don't know …," she sighed, losing her words. She smiled. "We're having a baby – _everything is changing_ – our perspectives, our priorities …our relationship," she mused, watching Derek stare at her.

"I love you," he declared _– in complete awe of her now_ – inching closer, he pressed a small kiss to her glossy lips.

"I love you too," she replied with a smile.

###

An hour later, Meredith and Derek stood in her mother's kitchen with Alex and Izzie and as familiar as the setting was – _the vibe was totally different_ – and Meredith could tell that somewhere along the line, both Alex and Izzie had fallen into a comfortable routine and it was apparent. With their playful sparkling eyes and meaningful glances, the physical touch of affection here or there – _no there was no denying it_ – her friends were connected and perhaps even in love.

_Meredith's eyes swept the scene – her senses overcome – for addition to the hearty meal Izzie had prepared, there was more than a certain sense of home – somehow amplified by the sweet, savory fusion of aromas swirling in the warm air. And curiously, there was an anthology of mini cakes – all over the place, on top of cake plates, some glass, some china, perfectly decorated, dainty and plentiful – but unlike the muffin fiasco following Denny's death, this was different …this collection of cakes were made with love or hope or perhaps hopeful love in mind. Meredith glanced at Derek and sighed, somehow it was good to see him back in her mother's kitchen._

Presently, Izzie and Alex were leaning over a pot of something – _in deep discussion about its texture_ – Izzie laughed and bumped her hip against Alex's. He swatted her tush and turned around, his eyes still dancing. He smiled. Izzie put a lid on the pot and followed suit.

"So are you guys freezing your asses off or what?" Izzie asked; her eyes bright and happy, her long blond hair in disarray after cooking all day … her friend looked good and happy, truly happy and so tan and … _something else._

"Pretty much," Meredith chuckled, moving her frozen toes inside her useless ballet flats as she did. "I'm going to pack up some of my clothing later ... this is the warmest thing I had packed," she laughed, moving her hand along the front of her dress; Derek draped his arm around her shoulders.

"You look great Meredith … I mean – _really_ – you do," Izzie gushed; she stuck her elbow out to Alex. "Doesn't she Alex?" she prompted happily.

"She does," he agreed. He pressed his lips together quietly surveying his friend while his eyes moved back and forth between Meredith and Derek – _they looked good_ – he surmised with a tight smile. "You survived," he substantiated, exchanging an intense stare with Meredith. He smirked. "I knew you would," he nodded to her.

"I did," she confirmed, returning his stare inside their private moment. "We both did – _the whole experience_ – it changed everything," Meredith reflected, leaning into Derek's heat – _a small part of her heart ached for the island now_ – the part that would somehow always belong to her time and memories there.

"So, how's George holding up?" Meredith asked, thinking now about the news of his breakup with Callie.

"He's pouting, angry …," Izzie said softly. "But we've been keeping an eye on him … right Alex?" she prompted.

"He'll be better off without her," he snorted and then looked at Derek. "She slept with Sloan … when they were broken up –"

"And after he found out, even after they got back together, after she went back to him … things just weren't the same," Izzie recounted.

"Well …," Derek sighed. "Mark can be –"

"A catalyst," Meredith stated firmly, interrupting Derek, because this was about George, because he was their person. "Is George going to make it tonight?" she asked.

"Nope, he's on call … been taking a lot of extra shifts lately, if you ask me, it's the best thing he can do – _with the interns' exam around the corner_ – it'll keep him occupied," Izzie answered.

"Hmm, I'll talk to him, give him a call," Meredith murmured, her mind on the advice George gave her once about deserving more, it seemed like it was time to repay the favor.

"What a downer," Alex heaved. "How about a drink?" he asked the couple.

"Oh well …um … we," Derek said in a series of false starts. He glanced at Meredith.

Meredith giggled. "What he's trying to say is, or not say is … well … I'm pregnant," she breathed, keenly watching her friends for their initial reaction, while she could feel Derek's eyes on her.

"Oh my God!" Izzie exclaimed, coming to stand in front of Meredith, her eyes dancing the jig with happiness. "I _knew_ something was different – _I mean, your hair and your skin and you're just healthy and happy_ – but I knew!" she said, drawing Meredith into one of her Mama Bear hugs. "Congratulations," she whispered into her friend's ear.

"Thanks Izz," Meredith whispered as she held on tight, seizing their embrace for a beat longer – _it was good to be home – _she thought now as she caught Alex's eyes as he shook hands with Derek. He winked.

Izzie pulled away and Meredith caught a glimpse of her glassy eyes before she turned back to Derek and smiled. Alex approached and put his arm around Meredith's shoulders.

"You're gonna be a great mom," he said into her ear, squeezing her shoulders as a small amount of pressure squeezed his heart.

"You think?" she whispered – _insecurity filtering in for the briefest of moments_ – before she made contact with the intensity of his eyes.

"I _know_," he said firmly. "I'm as sure as I was about your survival and look … you're back and happy … _and knocked up_, but that's beside the point," he muttered.

Meredith giggled; relief and happiness consumed her now as their miracle baby became part of her family. "Thanks Alex …," she sighed, making eye contact with Derek now. Her cheeks heated … she felt a tug on her heart while her hand found her belly.

"So what'll it be Grey – _orange juice or club soda_ – that's all we have, we planned for mixed drinks – _not for virgins_ – although, we definitely don't have any of those here either!" he cackled like the devil while everyone laughed at his antics.

"Water's fine and I can get it," she laughed. "Why don't you and Derek grab a drink, I just want to talk with Izz for a second," she encouraged.

Derek approached and pressed a light kiss to Meredith's lips. "That was easy," he whispered into her ear. "I'm proud of you," he said before he winked and walked out of the kitchen, following Alex.

"Meredith," Izzie whispered conspiratorially once they were alone. "How far along are you?" she asked, grabbing a bottle of water from the fridge for her friend. "I … assume Cristina knows," she asked, her brow raised, but not in judgment.

Meredith took the bottle and Izzie moved to assemble the makings of a large salad she had set out on the counter. Meredith stood next to her. "Fourteen weeks – _today actually_ – and Cristina … she knows, she dug up my appy file for me, just to make sure –"

"So wait, back up," Izzie interrupted. "Fourteen weeks … so you were – _when you left_ – you were … the Prom …," Izzie whispered, her mind moving at warp speed. She dropped a couple of handfuls of mixed veggies into the bowl. "But you had the appendectomy after that and … how and …?" she asked – _glancing at Meredith_ – trying piece together the swirling range of thoughts pushing through her head.

"Izzie, I just …," Meredith breathed, _you can do this_, she coached herself. "I just wanted to say something to you, something that's been on my mind for a while now and … see this baby, in so many ways has been a miracle – _surviving the surgery, being viable, not miscarrying … it's all been so _– amazing, but the thing about it is … I've been thinking – _maybe you can see some kind of miracle too because I think_ – I think about the time this baby was conceived … Denny was …,"

"Dying … oh my God," Izzie whispered, her heart racing at the sound of his name falling from her lips.

"Yes," Meredith whispered. "And I just – _it's the lifecycle, it goes on and on and inside the hospital it's there all the time_ – and I just … _sometimes I think about those beautiful and tragic moments and how they lived together for a flicker of a moment_ …," she said, her chest tightened. Izzie lay her knife down on the counter and all was quiet for a beat. "And so I thought you should have something happy, you know …," she breathed, resting her hand over Izzie's now. "So maybe when you think about Denny sometimes and you get sad – _maybe you can think of this baby and move away from the sadness _– if only for one moment …," she whispered, her voice cracked as she moved Izzie's hand down to rest along her belly.

"Oh …," Izzie said as she looked down, feeling tiny swell of Meredith's abdomen. "I'd like that," she murmured. "Thanks Meredith," she sighed, drawing her friend into another long hug.

_After a minute, the friends worked in tandem to prepare the rest of the meal while Meredith tried to get a handle on how she felt about being back – in her mother's kitchen, her life so drastically different than it had been when she left – she thought being back here (in this space in particular) would have conjured up a mask of unhappiness, one that she wore for a long time, when she was a child, when her mother tried to kill herself or those lonely, appalling private moments she lived when Derek left her for Addison – so she waited for the unhappiness to consume her – but it didn't. She was different – she was happy, her happiness was sticking – it was impervious, she sighed with relief._

###

Hours later Derek helped Meredith clear the table – _her mother's good china was put to good use_ – the meal was excellent and besides some obvious tension between Cristina and Burke, everything else was perfect.

Derek smirked at Meredith over the sink. "This is so domestic," he chuckled; she bumped her hip against his.

"In my mother's kitchen – _I don't know_ – maybe if we were in _your_ mother's kitchen, it'd be more like … domestic bliss," Meredith wondered aloud.

"Hmm, maybe," Derek said thoughtfully, he stacked the dirty plates up next to the sink. "As cold as it is … it's nice to be back and see everyone," he offered, taking a plate off the top. He began to wash it.

"It is," Meredith agreed softly, taking the plate from Derek she began to dry it. She set it down on the counter on her side. They worked for a minute or two longer, smirking to one another when a raucous laughter erupted in the next room. "Hey," she said softly, Derek looked to her and she leaned in and kissed her lover, _nice and easy … long and hard, feeling her cheeks heat and her core ignite_, she pulled away. "I love you," she whispered for his ears only.

_Meredith let her lips linger against Derek's, each holding a plate, staring into his ocean blue eyes for a beat, feeling herself become lost and captivated by the domestic balance of it all. Cristina walked into the room with two serving dishes and Burke at her heels … the balance was lost._

"Whoa – _what's all this_ – there's cake everywhere!" Cristina exclaimed. Burke raised a brow. Izzie entered the kitchen carrying several empty wine bottles. She lined them up on the counter.

"Oh, ah … Dr. Burke didn't tell you … about the cakes?" Izzie asked as she turned around.

"Um, _no_, Dr. Burke didn't tell me that he staged a cake-tasting intervention!" she turned to Burke. "I told you to choose the cake!" she chastised him, pressing her lips together into a thin confrontational line.

"But I wanted your opinion, this is your wedding too, Cristina," Burke sparred, his tone a suggestive warning to watch her behavior.

"But, you're the one who's interested in the cake! I don't care … I just wanted to make you happy," she stated evenly, but to anyone who knew her well, a small quake could be detected in her voice.

"Happy?" Burke asked incredulously.

Alex entered the room, rubbing his hands together. "Okay, so lets get down to business," he said, his mouth watering for some Izzie cake, but stopped short when he saw everyone in an alert formation.

"You know, I'll do a lot of things to make you happy!" Cristina exclaimed. "Do I give a crap about a ceremony with a dress and a flautist or the cake? No! But I'm happy go along with it, if it'll make you happy!" she elaborated harshly.

"So you're indifferent," Burke muttered, stating the fact, his eyes darting away from her intense stare now as disbelief consumed him.

"I guess I am," she retorted, turned her back and walked out of the kitchen.

_A collective sigh was heard amongst the players as they the front door click shut – Burke made eye contact with Meredith, but she only shrugged and shook her head– she was at a loss, everything she told Cristina all along was happening in the here and now. She was giving herself up – surrendering … but without her heart's consent – and she was torn and angry and confused as a result. Nothing Meredith could say to her would change her or make her see things the way she needed to see them … only she could do that for herself. She would do more harm than good by talking with her right now and Cristina was well aware that she needed time without anyone saying anything to her to really come to terms with what she wanted. Meredith took a deep breath and exhaled._

"I … I'm …," Meredith stammered until she found Derek's eyes. He nodded, her heart raced. "Izz, I'm going to take a breather here and pack some of my stuff up … I'll be down in a few for cake," she breathed, Izzie smiled.

"Go ahead, take all the time you need," she murmured.

###

_Meredith made her way up the flight of steps, welcoming the sound of those familiar creaks as she went. Smiling to herself as she stopped in front of her old bedroom door – she turned the handle and walked inside, leaving the door ajar, knowing Derek would be up shortly – she sighed, everything was right where she left it – her history, the life she left behind when she departed, her broken energy, her consumption of loneliness … it was all here and it enveloped her, covering her now like a handmade quilt – but with one added element now._

_Her mother's urn – a tall gold vase with a top sat perched on her dresser and the funny thing about it was – it looked like it belonged there! And in some small way, it evened things out … the tumult of the energy just melted away until all that remained was the happier Meredith in the here and now._

_She crossed the room without hesitation or trepidation and rested her hand along the belly of the cool surface of the vase. She smiled and heard a creak in the floorboards behind her before the door clicked shut. Derek came to stand behind her, resting his hand on her shoulders, pressing his lips to her neck._

"You okay?" he asked. "That was …," his voice trailed off with uncertainty, one hand found her belly.

"Intense …," Meredith finished, her body tensed.

"Yeah …," he said, resting his other hand on top of hers along the urn.

_Meredith leaned back and found his natural heat, her mother's urn cool to the touch under her fingers, Derek's warm hand on top. It was a balancing act – she and Derek had perfected it for one another – in large part because they devoted their time to it and had been intensely focused on one another whilst on Bali. She shook her head._

"I'm not sure they're gonna make it …," she whispered. "I can't see – _I've already talked to Cristina about this_ – they're out of sync … lost their balance," she elaborated.

"Yeah … they have," Derek agreed. He sighed and turned his lover around and met the dark intensity of her worried green eyes. "Let's pack some of your things, have some cake," he suggested lightly. "Then we can escape and get back to us … read our book," he breathed.

_Watching now as a smile played along Meredith's face no doubt thinking about their plan to read from their weekly pregnancy book tonight __– giving them something to look forward to when they returned home later – knowing that they would likely be both exhausted and ready for some private time. H__e felt her relax in his arms. He kissed her, soft and quick._

"Sounds perfect … but lots of Izzie cake first," she winked.

###

Much later, the couple arrived back to the frigid, yet calm and serene confines of the trailer. They sighed, huddled together, coats still on as Derek switched both of the radiators on.

"It'll warm up in no time … here," he said, holding a large cashmere blanket in his outstretched arms. Meredith walked into the fuzzy warmth; Derek wrapped her up and walked her over to the small sofa. He sat down and pulled Meredith onto his lap. He grabbed the book from the small shelf there. "You or me?" he whispered his predictable question, knowing she would choose him and secretly loving it.

"You," she murmured, burrowing deeper. Derek found their placeholder … fourteen weeks; he cleared his throat.

"_Welcome to your second trimester! __Lets get to your baby's development, t__hanks to her plentiful brain urges, her facial muscles are getting a workout as her miniature features form one expression after another – a wince, a smile, a grimace, a squint – the list goes on and on. She's exercising her new muscles and that's the not the only new development. Her kidneys are producing urine, which she releases into the amniotic fluid around her — a process she'll keep up until birth. She can also suck her thumb!_

_Your baby is also growing longer. From head to rump, she measures 3 1/2 inches — about the size of an apple — and he weighs 1 1/2 ounces. She is starting to develop an ultra-fine, downy covering of hair, called lanugo, all over her body. Your baby's liver starts making bile this week — a sign that it's doing its job right — and her spleen will start helping in the production of red blood cells._

_And mom, your energy is likely returning, your breasts may be feeling less tender, and your nausea may have completely subsided by now. The top of your uterus is resting a bit above your pubic bone, which may be enough to push your belly out a bit. Starting to show – whether it's your first pregnancy or fourth is always an exciting time for parents – it provides you with that physical evidence you've been waiting for and can all of a sudden bring your baby into the forefront of your life and future. So take a minute every now and again to cherish this amazing time."_

Derek slipped the placeholder at the start of the next chapter and closed the book, the last of his words hung in the air. He set the book down on the shelf and pressed his nose and lips into Meredith's heat.

"An apple," he mused, his hand found her belly, _rub, rub, rub._

"Amazing Derek … our baby is amazing," she sighed, turn inside his embrace to find his eyes.

"I love you," he said _– lost within his lover's heat and the happy intensity of her eyes_ – glad to see she had returned from that worried place he briefly found her in earlier in her bedroom.

"And I love you … you … you balance me Derek … you always will," she vowed.

"You do the same for me … all I have to do is close my eyes and we're back on the island and I'm reminded of everything we've been through, I'm centered … aligned," he offered.

"Me too," Meredith said, taking a deep breath.

"Sleepy?" he asked.

"Sleepy," she answered, pressing a small kiss over his lips for a long beat.

_She rose from his lap and they began to move about the trailer. Derek grabbed a couple bottles of water for the night ahead, while Meredith slipped into the bathroom, turned the shower on and untied the wrap of her dress. She let the folds of fabric fall free as she leaned over and pulled her leggings and panties down … smiling at her belly now. Her hand found her soft flesh just as Derek stepped inside the room behind her. She turned to find his sparkling eyes as he bent down and pressed a kiss to her growing belly._

"The balance of us," he whispered against her dewy flesh.

_Pressing tiny kisses to her flesh now, he felt Meredith sway in his arms above him – the steamy, hot air reminiscent of the island and all it had given to them – and then some. He stood and found his lover – she was relaxed and at peace and he couldn't help but to feel – overjoyed … and blessed … their baby and their love for one another was on display for all to see now._

_And in that moment Derek Shepherd … had a feeling … that he wouldn't have it any other way._

**Chapter 18 – La Isla Bonita – Part 4 of 4 to follow.**


	47. Chapter 18, La Isla Bonita, Part 4 of 4

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al. **

**Author's Note: To those who are still reading, thank you for your time! Please let me know what you think, I do so look forward to your notes and still feel pretty dismayed by the lack of feedback I receive here. **

**Regardless, for those of you who expressed some trepidation in their homecoming, I am glad to read some of you have embraced their time in Seattle thus far. **

**Cha****pter 18 – La Isla Bonita – Part 4 of 4**

_Meredith stirred from her dreams, the feeling of uneasiness she was just shrouded with evaporated into the thin, cold air – infiltrating their enclave now – only fragments of the last seconds of her dreamscapes remained … until she was awake, but unwilling to open her eyes._

_She was drifting in the warm, azure blue Indian Ocean with Derek …_

_She was floating – her body no more than a freeform now– a piece of seaweed or kelp or driftwood …_

_She was aligned with her spiritual self … she was sure of herself … she knew her place in the world … everything was as it should be …_

_Until a wave crashed over her head – white foam and salt and sand pricked her body – pummeling her, the undertow too great now for the undercurrent of change that swirled out to sea!_

_She lost her footing, searching now – she grasped for Derek, her anchor … her everything – her arms and legs flailing … would she lose some part of herself? Surely she would sink – without him there to tell her everything was okay and how it should be – surely she would drown!_

_So she rolled over instead._

Only to open her eyes to find Derek watching her – _she didn't say a word, for she didn't have to … her infectious giggle filled the crisp morning air instead – _where it hung, sparring with the sound of the rain pelting down over the hunkered down, rolling into his heat again – _his playful cock jumped against her hip bone_ – she reached down and grasped him, moving her hand along his velvety smooth skin she loved so much _– feeling him wake-up under her touch_ – her clit, tired from their games last night pulsed like Pavlov's dog for a treat –_ his cock just made her wet, there was no denying it_ – she crossed her leg over his thighs, expertly applying pressure to her nub as she did.

"Good morning," he whispered into her wild tresses.

_Derek's hot breath ricocheted between them; he moved his hand down and brought her thigh higher, draping it over his hipbone, his tired cock brushed against her core … how is it that she always left him begging for more. He was exhausted from taking advantage of their last night at home together before the craziness of work would begin … so how was it that his body still demanded more of her?_

"Hmm, it is," she answered, a small smile rained along her face – _she danced the fingers of her free hand along his soft skin_ – brushing her thumb along his nipples before she rested her head in the crook of his neck again.

"We'll have to leave earlier with this rain," Derek said softly, closing his eyes for a beat.

Meredith glanced at the clock – _6:01 AM_ – the rain had covered the sunrise for the second day in a row – _which was fine if the plan was to stay wrapped around one another in bed all day_ – but quite another when they had to get to work. Derek stirred again, his hand found her belly, the pads of his magical fingers brushed along her skin there – _baby, baby, baby_ – Meredith burrowed deeper into their enclave.

"And all this time … it sounded like a good idea …," Meredith mumbled.

"What?" Derek prompted with a chuckle.

"Work," she muttered, burrowing deeper, Derek snorted.

"Well … once we move into the cabin we'll have warmer mornings … don't forget, oi –"

"If you say _'oil futures'_ you're a dead man!" Meredith teased, peeking up to find his eyes … he leaned forward and pressed a kiss to her temple.

"Oil futures …," Derek smirked. "There's something sexy and warm about the idea of oil futures," he cackled.

"Sexy and warm … _right_," Meredith giggled.

_Rousing herself completely awake now, she leaned up on her elbow – the blanket draped around her shoulders, trapping the heat radiating between them – she found her lover's eyes in the filtered light. She smiled, blinked hard and then turned her attention to their dim surroundings, the watery shadows dancing now much like those stuck in the bottom of a swimming pool for eternity. She sighed and turned back to Derek._

"So …," Derek said, reaching up, he moved his fingertips along her hairline. He smiled watching Meredith's beautiful eyes sparkle against the billowy shadows. "The cold and the rain … are they your chief complaints?" he asked softly, his thoughts falling on her trepidation in regards to the plan she devised with Dr. Bailey.

Meredith eyed him carefully and then she smiled. "I love you for asking me that question," she offered simply, knowing exactly where he was headed.

"You do …," Derek breathed with a smile, stating a fact … there were no questions regarding love between the two of them now. They loved each other, pure and simple.

"I do ..," she sighed. "And I'll miss surgery, you know that …," she whispered, resting her chin on Derek's chest. "But running the clinic until the baby comes is a perfect place for me to be … I want to be there," she mused – _her mind on Ketut and Owen and Wayan now_ – for somehow she felt running a clinic in tandem with Ketut would help them remain connected.

"Good … because you're perfect for the job and Bailey … _this is her baby_,"Derek mused."She trusts you with her baby …which is just … tremendous," he offered in awe, Meredith blushed.

"She does," Meredith agreed. "It's good for both of us … and I don't have to feel overwhelmed about falling behind this year …," she reasoned, her mind on the interns' exam and the pressures of keeping up … all of which were eased by this offer from Bailey and the Chief.

"Hmm … and next year_ … _you can pick up where you left off and I'll be home more with the baby …,"Derek professed, his mind zooming forward into the stratosphere and beyond just thinking about lazy mornings with their miracle. He smiled widely.

"I guess I'll thank the oil futures when I'm the one getting up at the crack of dawn all by myself," Meredith pouted with a giggle. Derek laughed.

"See that, oil futures," Derek laughed but she only hugged him tighter, holding on for dear life it seemed. "Meredith, look at me ..," he requested softly after a minute, she obliged, those brilliant flecks of gold held in her eyes reflected against the dim light. "I think, with more than just your extra experience _– you'll be the one to beat_ – the one who has it all …," he sighed, his eyes scanning hers. Meredith she pressed her lips together, kissed his neck and rested her head on his shoulder.

"You think so … in more than one way," she sighed, her mind drifting to the future, floating along with her thoughts.

"Yes," Derek answered without hesitation, drawing her near. "The baby will be here – _and you'll be someone's everything _– someone who matters more than anyone else …," he sighed, his hand found her belly; fat tears stung his eyes as Meredith caught her breath. "You'll be our baby's mother and with that you'll shine … you'll rise above," he muttered into her flesh.

"Oh, Derek …," Meredith breathed through her waiting tears. "You always know what to say now, how to make me feel … like everything's going to be okay," she sighed, looking up again; she ran her fingertips along his cheek. "I love you," she said softly.

"I love you too – _everything is how it should be, you know that_ – do you feel better?" he asked before kissing her plump lips.

"Yes … this is right … you're right, everything's working out – _you're going to cut again and I get the run of the clinic_ – and then … baby," she pressed her lips together and kissed her lover again. Her heart finally relaxed inside, _simmer, simmer, simmer._

"Baby," Derek sighed against her lips, his heart flipped around in his chest.

"Baby," Meredith repeated against his lips, her heart flipping around in her chest now too.

###

Derek stepped from the car, the cool, damp air cloaked him – _his bones ached, still unused cold humidity_ – the fibers of his black wool coat already damp from his brief huddle with Meredith at the helm of the ferry; there was no escaping the moisture. He took a deep breath and held his hand out for his lover as she met him in front of the car – _the couple moving together now_ – going back to work … moving forward, yet back in time with each passing step.

Seattle Grace in all of its misery and glory stood before them – _looming, unwavering and steadfast in its welcoming_ – they were almost there, so close he could hear the automatic doors … _swoosh, swoosh_ … Derek stopped short and only then did déjà vu consume him. Meredith turned to face him, her searching eyes – _brilliant facets of emeralds bounced against the filtered light from above_ – gone were her bright jade eyes he found on the island … gone with the sun. He smiled and so did she.

"Derek?" she breathed, her hands resting along his warm, tanned skin – _his much longer hair, peeking out from the bottom of his wool cap _– his bright blue eyes searching hers, _'I love you, I love you,'_ he stepped closer still; she moved her hands down to his and held on tight.

"Alex gave your letter to me …," he sighed, his bag dropped to the ground and ran his fingertips along the small plane of her cheek, her wild, long hair whipped around her face, dancing in the wind – _natural and carefree_ – just like the woman she had become. He smiled and touched his lips against hers.

"Hmm, warm," Meredith sighed, allowing Derek's peace to find her and hold her, rocking and lulling while she dreamt of the island for a beat in time.

"I remember … I'll never forget, I was standing right here – _and I was hopeless_ – it was the morning you were supposed to come back to work after your surgery," he breathed, watching those sparkling emeralds now.

"Oh …," she smiled, thinking about her own misgivings, her own insecurities as she fled to survive their storm.

"I couldn't breathe – _you know, I was lost, scared_ – I couldn't make myself … move from this spot," he confessed, held captive by their love now.

"Hmm … how did you … move in the end?" she asked softly, moving her hands to flank his skull, his skin was warm and familiar – _she held him there_ – determined to relive the moment with him.

"Well … Alex had been watching me … I didn't know … the letter," he muttered. "He came out with your letter, he was livid …angry at me for running you off …," he sighed, looking down and away from Meredith's gateways.

"Derek," Meredith sighed, ducking down to catch his eyes with hers. "Look at me," she requested.

He smiled and found her gaze – _happy, sated, relaxed_ – and so he let himself get there too. Smiling now, he spoke. "I didn't know about the letter, your words … I didn't know, but I knew one thing Meredith," he smiled, tipping her chin up, he found her eyes. "I knew I was proud of you – _I remember being so proud of you for breaking away_ – from me and the _'us'_ we had become," he said, brushing his lips against hers. "Because we weren't enough – _the way we were_ – it would have never been enough," he whispered, saying a small silent prayer now for all they had become.

"No, not that way … not the way we were …," Meredith agreed, encapsulated by Derek's heat, allowing him to warm her up from the outside in now. "But now …," she encouraged.

"We can move together … forever, this is just another beginning," Derek said softly, kissing her lightly once again … his hands of moved up to her skull where he held her this time.

_Tipping their cold noses against one another's now – breathe, breathe, breathe, cold flesh, warm hearts, heat, heat, heat – hot particles danced between them, swirling and twirling, around and around went the tufts until they were as lost in their own fog as they were within their all-consuming kiss. Pressing his lips over hers – pumping gently – tiny pulses was all it took to make the world fall away until nothing else mattered … until only they remained. Cold hands found warm flesh as they kissed one last time before they broke away from one another, each smiling brightly now._

"Ready?" Meredith asked.

"Ready," Derek confirmed, reaching down he took Meredith's hand in his.

_And in that moment – they moved – following their destiny … their fate as it led them to their proverbial home. Walking hand in hand now with wide accepting eyes as they made their intentions known to all – their mental and spiritual alignment unquestionable now – especially to the four pairs of eyes that watched the couple with bated breath from the window wall mezzanine._

###

Hours later and several meetings with both the Chief and a various Human Resources representatives Meredith and Derek were _'officially'_ back to work at Seattle Grace. Their transition was effortless_ – even Derek's brief encounter with Mark was easy – _perhaps it was Addison's apparent 'leave of absence' (_as Mark put it_) that dispelled some of the stress each man expected, but in the end, just like that the gap between the old friends was bridged.

And while Derek began the compulsory task of making the rounds (_quite literally_); Meredith made a plan to meet George at the cafeteria before she met with Dr. Bailey down at the clinic to get started. She stood at the main entryway to the dining area, letting her eyes roam over the space, making note of the overcast skies through the expansive windows – _gray … bleak … cold_ – but she smiled still. For there were moments, like right now, when she could hardly believe all that had happened since she left for Bali – _months ago,_ _if someone were to tell her that she would be poised for this … motherhood and heading up a triage clinic_ – she would have laughed her ass off … but now that she was here, right now … all that was happening felt like it was meant to be. Derek was right time and time again; everything was as it should be.

Without a doubt, she was up to the task of running the clinic and damn excited about it too, hell … who wouldn't be? She was set to run one of the most high-tech triage clinics in the country – _one that Owen Hunt assured Meredith Grey could run 'with her eyes closed'_ – one that she would head-up under Dr. Bailey's all-knowing, very watchful eyes … one where she would grow and learn and foster from within and in the end, it was a beautiful thing.

_Meredith smiled inwardly and headed over to the refrigerator case – once there, she surveyed the grim choices – half excited when she spotted a tuna sandwich on wheat bread, but felt her stomach roll in protest once she picked it up, the cellophane crinkled under her delicate touch … she set it down. Nothing was appealing … nothing was fresh, not even the clean hospital air was fresh. She shook her head, longing now for the sweet, warm breeze that used to barrel through the old clinic doors. She smiled in reflection, her stomach rolled again._

"I know baby, I know," she muttered, rubbing circles over her small belly now, finding her smallish bump just below the waistband tie of her light blue scrubs – _she had gone up a size since she was here last, 'seeing was believing' _– a smile played along her face.

Turning around, Meredith spotted George and waved, she'd seen him briefly already, but surmised now that her friend was really out of sorts – _or more disheveled than 'Regular George'_ – he held a chocolate frosted cupcake atop a plate. She smiled and made her way over to the hot beverage and cereal kiosks.

"Oatmeal might do the trick … hey George," she greeted.

"Well hey there," George chuckled. "At least you can make it taste good with all this shit they have for you to put on it," he muttered, referencing the very wide selection of dried fruits and nuts and spices set out along the buffet … no mango in sight, what a pisser.

"Could you grab a cup of tea for me while I do this?" she asked.

"Sure, what's your poison?" he laughed, raising his brow as Meredith put a couple of spoonfuls of dried cranberries into the bottom of her Styrofoam bowl.

"Something decaffeinated – _maybe green or chamomile_ – just lots of honey," she requested, covering those cranberries with a layer of oatmeal as she did.

The friends worked side by side for a beat before they gathered their wares and headed off to find a quiet table near the back of the space, just along the windows overlooking the side parking lot. The gray sky was bright even with the tinted windows … the sun must have been shining brightly somewhere today _– and without thinking, her mind hit the island like a car to a brick wall_ – Bali, Bali, Bali, Ketut, Wayan and Owen … stock images pinged her vision, rapid-fire style; she did nothing to stop them.

Arriving at a table, they copped a squat with a flurry of movements, chairs cut against the floor, napkins and spoons were set on the table, to-go lids came off of their partner cups … and then all was quiet. A roll of nausea barreled through her belly – _Meredith took a small bite of her oatmeal, chewing on the combination of oats and brown sugar, coconut and a cranberry or two or three followed by a sip of her sweet green tea _– making her best effort to regulate her blood sugar. George surveyed the light brown liquid in his cup, taking a small sip before he cut his cupcake down the middle.

"Want half?" he offered softly.

"No … the oatmeal's fine actually," Meredith replied, looking up, she found his amused face and smiled. "George … I'm sorry about Callie," Meredith blurted out, figuring it would be best to just cut the cord. She held her warm teacup up to her lips.

"Nah … wasn't meant to be, I know it wasn't … I just wish I knew it wasn't before I … committed," he confessed.

"Time is what you need … you know that saying, _'time heals all wounds'_ … it's true, I think," she offered softly.

"Me too … I mean … she's, I just need time, you're right – _I think I'm just supposed to focus on something else_ – this exam is gonna kick my ass," he chuckled with self-deprecation. "It's just a sign," he added posthaste.

"Signs … and time … a healthy combination," Meredith smiled thoughtfully, meeting the soft brown pools of his eyes.

"Yeah … time … I just need time," George agreed, his mind vacillating now between Callie and all that went wrong and the looming interns' exam, his stomach rolled uncomfortably.

"Time's good … what about a week off after the exam …," Meredith suggested, her mind falling on Owen now and the apparent wonders his week away did for him.

"After the wedding … _the wedding_," George shrugged, meeting Meredith's eyes, trying to gauge her perspective on this mess of a marriage Cristina and Burke were about to get themselves into.

"Hmm … _the wedding_," Meredith sighed, raising her brow, her interest piqued … curious to feel George out – _after all he was here when she wasn't_ – maybe she was missing something.

"What?" he asked. "You don't feel the love either?" he chided with a weak smile, unwilling to fully unleash his thoughts on the topic.

"No," Meredith answered seriously, George knitted his brow. "I'm not sure they're gonna make it George… down the aisle or otherwise," she said softly, leaning forward. "I mean, don't you think … don't you think they deserve –"

"Better? More?" George snorted before taking a sip of his coffee; Meredith smiled and caught the simple truth in his eyes. He began to shake his head slowly back and forth and a large knowing smile crossed over his face.

"What?" she asked softly, she couldn't read his expression.

"You know … Izzie," he chuckled, still shaking his head. "She said … you had changed, that you … were … _what were her words_ – oh yeah …_'bright and shiny'_ … and pregnant," he breathed with a chuckle, a glimmer of hope revealed deep within his eyes now.

"I am George, I mean … for the first time in my life, I'm … centered and happy, really … and truly," she sighed, her hand resting along her belly, her cheeks pink with untamed happiness.

"I can see that, I was skeptical …," he smiled weakly. "My life and what's going on made me …," he sighed, losing his train of thought as Meredith watched him intently.

"Oh George," Meredith sighed with a small smile. "I wish … with all this time I spent away, I could come back and offer some other kind of words for you," she muttered softly.

"It's okay … you don't need words Meredith," he shook his head.

"No?" she asked.

"No, it's the _'seeing is believing'_ thing," he smiled now and cocked his head. "When you came in this morning … I saw you outside – _we all saw you_ – and I … I don't know, it just made me think that everything will work out … for me too," he whispered. "You and Shepherd … you're … consumed … you're … it's something else," he elaborated.

"Hmm, you're right … we're together and happy," Meredith mused, smiling now.

_The two friends sat in silence for a moment, each deep in thought, eyes trained on the invisible horizon outside, most likely thinking about full circles and the past, present and future that put them in the here and now, sitting together again like no time had passed. Everything was as it should be … it really was, even for George, for in the coming weeks his breakup with Callie would prove to be fruitful, allowing his mind ample time to focus on the here and now … as he wrapped up his intern year, nearing the top of the class._

"Welcome home Meredith," George spoke softly after another minute.

"Thanks George," she answered in a voice of the same tone.

###

Derek smiled tightly, surely his eyes sparkling now as he lifted the heavy box, thanking Nurse Olivia with the same satisfied expression he wore once he was informed of the delivery. He turned away from the Nurses' Station and headed down to the elevators – _images of what would be Meredith's surprised expression floated through his mind now_ – she would be tickled. Stepping onto the elevator, he bumped the first floor with his elbow, balancing the bulky package on his thigh for a beat, smiling again at the brilliance of the surprise.

Sighing with relief or fulfilled happiness, Derek once again realized how good it felt to be back – _just back, not necessarily in the OR_ – but back in town, with Meredith and their miracle baby safe and sound … just back and comfortable and happy. It was the truth, everything was as it should be, he couldn't help it if he tried – _life had a crazy way of working out_ – in the way that if someone would have told him that he would be this happy, truly happy a couple of months ago, he would have taken them right to the Psych Ward … but now, now Derek had every reason to believe that anything in life was possible.

He stepped from the elevator and smiled when he spotted Meredith and Miranda Bailey, engrossed in a conversation and for once on the _same _side of the desk … Meredith looked happy and sexy as hell – _hey, wasn't gonna lie_ –light blue scrubs never looked so sexy. Derek had to admit, the clinic was gorgeous – _well-equipped with the best materials money could buy, all the latest and greatest quick diagnosis appliances_ – Izzie's inheritance money was indeed well-spent … _she did good. _And Derek for one, appreciated her generosity more now than perhaps would have had he never been to Bali and in some strange way, it kind of solidified his growth – _that he understood how she felt, for it was similar to his innate desire to create Meri House_ – and in that … Derek knew exactly where Izzie was coming from and it was nothing short of admirable.

Derek headed over to the main desk, smiling from ear to ear now as he rounded the corner and stepped in front of the desk. The women looked up.

"Well, well … look who the cat dragged in," Miranda teased peeking up as she stood, meeting her friend's happy blue eyes.

Meredith giggled and stood up; she leaned over the desk and pecked Derek on the cheek. "So, what's in the box?" she asked, her own eyes dancing now.

"I don't know – _you tell me_ – I'm just the delivery boy," he teased lightly, trying his best seductive voice on for size.

"Is that right?" Meredith laughed, her giggle filling the air. She grabbed a pair of scissors and went to work on the box top, smiling even wider when she read the address label … _Island Fruits, Ltd., Maui, Hawaii._

"Delivery boy my ass … you … you need help," Miranda accused, wagging her pointer finger at Derek.

"Maybe you just need to loosen up," he cackled, sparring lightly. "Just sayin'," he added when he caught the more serious glint in her eyes.

The old friends smiled at one another before they turned their attention back to Meredith. Derek came to stand behind her, his hand on the small of her back as she opened the top of the box. Bailey stood off to the side in anticipation.

"Derek," Meredith giggled when she pulled some of the abundance of paper wrapping away, she felt his chin on her shoulder as they peered over the side of the box together.

"How about that?" he whispered in Meredith's ear, taking stock of the contents of the box, all the while taking the opportunity to breathe her in, a small card lay on top of the fruit, it read:

_Fruit of the Month Club Selections: Clementine, Fig, Guava, Kiwi, Lychee, Mango, __Mangosteen__, __Papaya, Passion Fruit, Pineapple, __Rambutan__._

Meredith giggled when she saw that Derek had selected _'mango'_ for the next twelve months. He scheduled two deliveries per month … more than enough mango, her mouth watered.

"Mangos?" Miranda inquired, taking in the perfect balance of color and fragrance, the tropical essence wafting up and into the clinical air all around the trio.

_She turned now to find the more than enamored couple, watching with a curious eye as Derek folded Meredith in his arms and held her tight, rocking his woman … back and forth like nothing else mattered in the world, for maybe at that moment, nothing else did._

"Read the gift card," Derek whispered into his lover's ear, he felt her relax in his arms.

Meredith pulled the card from the small envelope in her hand; Derek rested his hand along her belly, drawn to her natural heat as she read, _rub, rub, rub_. She smiled as she read her lover's words, typed neatly inside the blank white note card.

Naturally, her infectious laughter filled the space between them and in that moment the world fell away once again – _thousands of miles away from where they met … again and fell in love … again_ – the island of Bali … their savior … infiltrated their minds and hearts yet again – _and there in that moment_ – Meredith was pretty sure she had fallen in love with Derek all over again.

For this simple gesture – _this small private gift _– told her everything was exactly where it should be and that he missed the island they fell in love upon as much as she … and so he made the world smaller … he put Bali within reach. His note read:

"_Enough to feed your cravings … and mine."_

**Chapter 19 to follow.**


	48. Chapter 19, Love Will Keep Us Alive, P1

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al. **

**Author's Note: T****hank you for your lovely words. You know, it's nice that this story can make some of you feel as good as I did when I finished writing it. I don't really know how to explain what it's like re-reading these chapters now ... it's like a window to my life when my mind was somewhere else that was dark and sometimes lonely and sleepless and my mother was deep into her suffering.**

**Anyway, while you're reading Chapter 19, think about glue, as in cohesive story lines … think full circles … think … the beginning of the end. **

**There isn't much I can say about The Eagles or this song "Love Will Keep Us Alive", if you have never listened to this song, do yourself a favor and find a way to … it's beautiful.**

**Chapter 19 – Love Will Keep Us Alive**

Lyrics for The Eagles' "Love Will Keep Us Alive**"**:  
I was standing  
All alone against the world outside  
You were searching  
For a place to hide

Lost and lonely  
Now you've given me the will to survive  
When we're hungry...love will keep us alive

Don't you worry  
Sometimes you've just gotta let it ride  
The world is changing  
Right before your eyes  
Now I've found you  
There's no more emptiness inside  
When we're hungry...love will keep us alive

I would die for you  
Climb the highest mountain  
Baby, there's nothing I wouldn't do

I was standing  
All alone against the world outside  
You were searching  
For a place to hide  
Lost and lonely  
Now you've given me the will to survive  
When we're hungry...love will keep us alive  
When we're hungry...love will keep us alive  
When we're hungry...love will keep us alive

###

**Chapter 19 – Love Will Keep Us Alive – Part 1 of 4**

Staring out through the vast real estate of glass at the window wall, Derek decided Meredith was right – _they needed sun_ – and even though he knew she was joking and that in a matter of weeks they would be fine; fully acclimated and moved into the cabin without looking back, with both the wedding and the interns' exam behind them … the quiet stress that surrounded them would be somewhat alleviated.

Yeah, Meredith was right – _they just needed the sun, they needed to survive the time apart every day in order to leave it all behind and find each other when opportunities arose … they needed their brand of natural heat_ – for they craved it now, almost as much as Meredith was held hostage by her propensity for the sweet, fleshy fruit of her beloved mango.

Derek took a sip of his hot coffee, watching the steamy liquid twirl into the air in front of him for a beat before he sighed and glanced at his watch _– he had a couple of hours before his craniotomy_ – and another fifteen minutes before Meredith was due out her meeting with the advisory board for the clinic. Then they could have a relatively quiet lunch … with the interns' exam in progress at this very moment, hell … that lunch with Meredith would almost feel like a date!

He smiled now just thinking about Meredith and how proud he was of her – _for having been positioned at the clinic for a little over a week_ – she had already applied with the State Health Department to be considered as a _Designated Crises Center for Natural Disasters_, in which case, The Denny Duquette Memorial Clinic would become the triage hub – _the home base_ –for all the hospitals in the area in the event of a natural disaster.

Derek smiled inside, pride bubbling over like a pot of forgotten water on high heat – _she was bold, already the one to beat … this undertaking was a bold move, one that it seemed she was destined to make_ – and her passion for the clinic only made him fall in love with her over and over again with each passing day. His heart warm now, no … no, not even the gray sky could dampen his mood …its blank, endless taunting was simply no match for his innate lightheartedness when it came to Meredith. And Derek was surprised by that, for he thought it would have amounted to something by now – _that the bleak cold and the damp air would have beat him … or them_ – but it didn't, for nothing … not even the gray days and damp nights could cancel the warmth that radiated between he and Meredith.

For nothing stood between them now – _not Seattle Grace and the 'them' they once were_ – not even Addison or Mark or his own painful array of dark betrayals mattered now … for all that did happen was history – _it was karma … just part of their personal history that made them the 'them' they were presently_ – and rain or shine or sleet or snow, the weather outside didn't matter because only the innate temperature between them meant something – _it melded them together like a blazing hot solder iron_ – hot and fiery and purposeful … _heat, heat, heat_.

Turning his back on the muted horizon now, Derek looked to his left just in time to see Addison sashay through the double doors at the far end of the walkway – _not a single highlighted auburn hair out of place, her lab coat, wrinkle-free, her form-fitting black pencil skirt, left nothing to the imagination_ – he smiled in acknowledgement, some things never changed. He put his hand up and smiled at her, a small smile playing along her face now as she approached. _She looked good. She looked the same._ _She looked like Addison. _He had heard she was back at work today and wondered if what Mark had insinuated was true, that she was indeed moving to Los Angeles.

"Welcome back," she said with a sincere smile as she came to stand in front of her old friend … her ex-husband, surely she would grow used to the idea, eventually.

"Thanks … it's good to be back, despite the weather," he chuckled.

_Addison felt her heart bang around in her chest … positive that her quivering voice had all but betrayed her in the truest sense. She was nervous – so nervous – and for what, she had no idea. She was trembling on the inside, her tough exterior … crumbling, fearing that this first time she would see Derek would be awkward or dredge up old wounds but then he smiled genuinely in return and was completely relaxed. And then she noticed something … new about her long lost friend-lover-confidant: the worry she was accustomed to seeing in his eyes was gone and replaced by … a sparkle she had never seen before – and in that moment … she did the unthinkable: she relaxed too._

"Wow … Derek," Addison breathed, taking notice now of the way his tanned skin brought out his more youthful appearance and exuberance … two traits she had only seen maybe a handful of times throughout their lives together. His smile reached his eyes and she found she couldn't take her eyes off of him. "You look … really good," she affirmed. "I mean …," she shook her head and heard her words die off like an endangered species.

_She turned away from Derek and looked out at the vast overcast landscape – she already missed the California sun – which was a blessing at this point, this new beginning … fresh start._

"Addison?" he asked, finding it very hard to read her all of a sudden _– a detail he was oddly amused by –_ realizing maybe it had always been this way … maybe there was always a disconnect, that maybe she had always been hard to read.

"Hmm?" she muttered, lost in thought, dreaming about the sun on her back for a beat in time.

"What's up?" he asked into the quiet din that raged between them. He turned and stood next to her, keeping his eyes trained on the gray sky in front of them.

_All was silent, raging with … a void of what used to be a comfort zone._

"You were never …," Addison said softly, as evenly as she could, noticing that Derek waited patiently for her to continue. She took a deep breath and continued. "I heard about you," she blurted out.

Derek glanced at Addison briefly; taking in the familiarity of her side profile and the way her lips crinkled together ever so slightly when she was frustrated. She sighed heavily.

"Heard about me?" he asked cautiously.

"Derek," Addison sighed, turning to meet his curious eyes. "Have you looked in a mirror lately?" she asked with a small smile.

"Hmm … I'm happy," Derek declared with another broad smile.

"You are – _and it's not your tanned skin or your happy eyes_ – or your … insanely long hair," she chuckled, her eyes glassy now.

"No … it's not," Derek agreed, full well knowing the plethora of reasons behind the intrinsic changes within his being _– the energy of the Zen cottage hovered over him for a beat_ – he smiled … Meredith …baby …baby. "Meredith's pregnant," he breathed; spilling his guts … relief consumed him.

"I know," Addison acknowledged, watching the hesitation in Derek's eyes fade as he took in her tone and reaction. She smiled and then elaborated. "Mark called me – _and before you think to be upset, he just thought … it would be something I should hear from you or at least him first_ – he thought if he didn't call, the rumor mill would tell-all before you had a chance … and … I think it was for the best," she defended gently.

"I think so too …," Derek agreed; thinking about Mark's decision to call her … he still cared about …_ them_. "Things happen for a reason, everything … does," he reflected for a quiet moment.

"Yeah … I'm happy for you," she whispered, because she really was.

_She kept her eyes focused on the scene below, the people coming and going … all living, breathing, moving entities and all of sudden she felt relieved she would be too … living and breathing and creating her own fresh start, one that wasn't propelled with someone else in mind, one that was uniquely hers … no man to run to or from this time around … just her and her quest for more, a greater balance of herself … a greater meaning to her own happiness._

"Derek?" she asked after another minute, her voice small … she heard her own deep-rooted insecurity seep into her tone, she left it there.

"Yeah?" he breathed, still watching the fog roll in outside, his mind resting on Mark and Addison's indiscretion and not out of anger or frustration but out of reflection – _realizing once again that that faithful night in New York a year ago _– was the catalyst for the here and now, just another rotation around the full circle.

"Were you ever this happy … when we were together?" she whispered, her voice cracked, betraying her now a thousand times over. "Before everything else … were you happy?" she wondered aloud, sneaking a glance at Derek's profile as she did.

Derek smiled broadly in reflection. He turned to her, catching her eyes with his. "Yeah … I was," he said firmly. "C'mon … you were there Addison – _right there with me_ – you know I was," he breathed, again a smile crossed over his face in recollection.

"I was there … but your energy – _the way you are now_ –"

"Addison," Derek sighed, turning toward her now, she snuck a peek at him through her long dark lashes. "The _'me'_ I used to be – _that version of myself_ – for the most part, I was happy … you know that," he said softly.

"Yeah …," she breathed, her mind spinning, her heart already aching to break away from the intensity of his happy blue eyes.

"But I …," Derek started, he sighed … searching for his words, choosing them carefully. "I was a different man then – _my priorities, what made me tick_ – I was different and so I think my definition of happiness was too," he explained gently … because it was the truth; he was happy before, he had _known_ happiness – _it didn't come close to the happiness he felt now_ – but it was there nonetheless.

"I can see that …," she offered, wondering if she would come to redefine happiness for herself, she only hoped to God she would.

"We were happy, we were … you know that," Derek encouraged watching the cloud-filled light cast a short shadow along her alabaster cheeks – _she looked confused or disenchanted_ – and in that moment, Derek felt bewildered too … he just didn't want to let her forget those times of happiness he held inside his memories.

"I do … I know … we were," she smiled, meeting his blue eyes, thinking now about those times of happiness she held inside her memories.

"So …," Derek smiled after a beat. "Los Angeles?" he asked, secretly dying to change the subject.

"Yeah …," she sighed. "It'll be good – _familiar in some ways, but fresh and new too_ – and warm and sunny," she smiled.

"The sun …I miss it," Derek breathed, his mind falling on Bali and the warm, empowering sun they had thrived under.

"I do too," Addison breathed; her mind on her future … and the strong Los Angeles sun she would come to live under.

###

Derek stepped onto the elevator, carefully balancing several plastic containers of cafeteria offerings on one palm while he pressed the button with his elbow, holding in his opposite hand, a single piece of cheesecake … should all else fail, at least Meredith would have mango from home and cheesecake. He smiled, the morning was behind them and all in all (_as he briefly explained to Meredith_), he felt good after his discussion with Addison – _things could have gone astray, things between them could have been tight and uncomfortable_ – but they weren't … they were all moving on from their mutual histories.

She would be leaving for Los Angeles after the wedding and with her departure, a chapter of his life … a part of his history would close. He took a deep breath as the elevator chimed and he stepped out of his private reverie … _and thankfully back into his reality. _Scanning the floor now he didn't see his lover, meeting the eyes of one the nurses, she pointed to the hallway: _Meredith was in her office._

He walked the short distance to her office, stopping just outside – _he smiled when he spotted her there, flanked by only a couple of her Balinese memories, shutters … moments that meant something to them_ – now perched at her desk, her crisp, white lab coat hanging on the back of her chair, her hair up – _two intricate braids of her blond locks framed her temples where they were fastened into one messy ponytail in the back_ – having dismissed the idea of getting dressed up for the meeting with the advisory board, she wore a pair of light blue scrubs with a black long sleeve shirt underneath. She was engrossed; they had an hour before his surgery. He stepped inside the doorway and smiled … the essence of the island …sweet mango floated in the air. Meredith looked up; her happy, amused eyes scanned his for a beat.

"Can I say how incredibly sexy it is that you have an office," he announced, stepping further inside the makeshift enclave he appreciated so much. "Sexy as hell," he cackled.

"So, office space is sexy, who knew?" Meredith teased, still perched upon her swivel chair. She twisted this way and that; the movement lulled her for a beat, _sway, sway, sway_.

_Derek set the containers down on the small coffee table in the corner and turned to find his lover, locking his eyes with hers – he reeled her in, his fishing line dripping wet with sex appeal – until Meredith stood, her giggle filled the space. She reached behind her and grabbed a ripe, fragrant mango situated on her credenza. She tossed the piece of fruit to Derek – sparring flirtatiously – before she floated across the small space and attached her lips to his where she kissed him – soft and sweet, hungry for the coffee on his lips – plucking at his flesh … one, two, three times before she pulled back and met his clear blue eyes again. His free hand found her small 'baby bump', rub, rub, rub … baby, baby, baby._

"So … I hope you're hungry," Derek offered, kissing Meredith once more before they moved to sit on the small sofa along the sidewall.

"I am … what did you find?" she asked, her eyes surely sparkling against the dim fluorescent lighting. One accent lamp sat on the side table in the far corner; she reached over and flipped it on, a softer, gentler light ran along her lover's happy face and dancing eyes.

"A Chinese Chicken Salad and a Vietnamese Wrap," he replied, popping the tops of the containers open.

"Oh … I like the jicama and the mint they stick in that wrap," she raved, her eyes smiling again, the apples of her cheeks, pink …her mouth watered, she was hungry … ravenous even.

"I know," Derek said softly. "I remember," he cooed with a small smile just for her. "Oh and I bought a piece of cheesecake for you," he added, still smiling now, leaning in … he kissed her, her natural heat encapsulating him, warming him. "Did I get everything you might want?" he all but whispered.

"You already have everything I need," she smiled suggestively. Derek chuckled. "You could peel the mango," she teased, leaning closer. "But you are … you know … my _'everything'_," she mused softly, her eyes became glassy … the whisper of her words hung between them.

Derek raised his brow. "Tell me more … you're reflecting," he encouraged, tossing the dressing with the salad, he spooned some into the lid of the wrap sandwich container. He handed Meredith a fork before he grabbed the mango and began to peel the juicy fruit.

_Meredith smiled, watching her lover with a keen eye now – absorbed by the way his surgeon's fingers deftly moved along the slippery, fleshy fruit … akin to the human brain – his gentle touch did not go unnoticed. Emotion found her. She loved him … maybe even more than she did a minute ago. She fell hard … again, then found her voice._

"It's nothing _– just all the talk of natural disasters_ – the clinic, the paperwork, it's all pointing me back to Bali and with everything so fresh … I just miss the sun, I miss the privacy, I miss our people…," she admitted softly for the millionth time since they had been home. She plucked a piece of mango from the small section of the container in front of Derek.

"I miss _'just us'_ too … and the sun and the family," he mused and drew her near. "So is that it … the stress … lack of sun and privacy, despite this very sexy office of yours," he muttered, completely lost in those brilliant facets of her emerald eyes.

"No," she sighed, secretly loving the fact that he finally could read her like a book. "It's everyone else – _their stress is eating me alive _– thank God the exam is almost over, any hour now," she elaborated breathlessly.

"Hmm, I wish I could do something," he replied. "But … after the wedding, we'll be moving …," Derek said wistfully. "It's something to keep our eyes on," he sighed, watching Meredith take another piece of mango. He smiled.

"Yeah ... the wedding," Meredith mumbled, her heart racing – _the wedding twisted her insides_ – there was no blunt way to put it … she didn't think Cristina should marry Burke.

_Meredith didn't need to say anything more. Derek drew her even closer still, making a small plea for her to come closer and as she did, he looked at her … deep into her eyes – his lips parted in a small 'o', his head cocked to the side, his hands found her flesh, flanking her skull, his long surgeon's fingers nestled in her hair along her braids, her hands covered his, her fingers brushing along his – her eyes shut, her body relaxed and only then did he kiss her … mango, mango, mango._

_Massaging her plump, inviting lips with his now, moving his tongue along hers, he lapped at her nerves there over and over and over again … knowing there would never be enough of one another – their need for one another was insatiable – necessitated only by deep-rooted love and survival._

_Derek pulled away and watched Meredith eyes become wet, the heat raging between them was more than intense. Derek sat with his mouth agape – taking in Meredith's flushed, ruby-pink cheeks, her swollen lips, dancing emerald green eyes, flecks of island-jade seeping through now – his core stirred, he wanted her … her chest heaved, her hand moved to cover his heart. He couldn't take his eyes off of her, not now, not ever._

_Meredith sucked in a deep breath – her tiny gasp of pleasure rang out – one hand flew to her heart where it stayed. She blinked, hard, closing her glassy eyes, her heart gave out; she fell again. She opened her eyes, Derek pressed his lips together … his eyes boring into hers. He smiled weakly._

"What?" he asked, breaking the silence, he was spellbound.

"Oh," she giggled, catching her breath. "Sometimes … they way you look at me," she said evenly, although her heart quivered. "I don't know if you want to devour me … or idolize me," she choked out, for her really took her breath away sometimes.

Derek laughed, shaking his head; she had him pegged. "I think it's safe to say _– I pretty much live somewhere in the middle of the spectrum_ – it's the truth … I won't deny it," he chuckled before kissing her mango-lips for another small taste of his sweet lover.

"Hmm, please don't … ever deny it," Meredith breathed her request before capturing his lips for yet another kiss.

"I won't," Derek muttered. "Call it survival – _you're what makes me tick now … you … you and this baby _– you're the reason why I am who I am today," he mused, lacing his fingers through hers now as he thought about his redefinition of happiness and what it meant to him. He smiled tightly, watching Meredith's eyes dance with passion now.

"So … you're still you?" Meredith asked, refusing to leave the moment.

"I'm still me," he replied, lost within his lover's all-consuming gaze.

###

Hours later, Cristina stood in that same doorway of Meredith's office – _finding her friend there, pretty much where Derek said she'd be_ – engrossed in paperwork (if she wasn't with a patient) and even though Meredith sat behind a desk now, Cristina was pretty sure that in the last several hours both of the young and headstrong doctors might have moved mountains, for with the interns' exam finished and Meredith's pending approval for the clinic …they could both take a break and move on to the next; namely her wedding. Her chest tightened.

"It's over," she breathed from her same spot in the doorway.

Meredith's head flew up at the sound of her friend's voice, her heart raced, her friend's choice of words reverberating now. "What?" she asked breathlessly – _her eyes wide with alarm as she took in Cristina's frazzled appearance_ – having all but forgotten about the exam … _'It's over.'_

"The exam," Cristina retorted, stepping inside the office. "What did you think I was talking about?" she asked quizzically. Although Cristina knew nothing more needed to be said – _for even with their time apart_ – Meredith could still read her pretty well. Her heart quaked; she diverted her eyes and sat down opposite Meredith, allowing her gaze to fall on the couple of photographs that sat behind her dear friend on the credenza there.

_The first, the one on the left was a mid-sized image of Meredith, she was flanked by the midwife and 'The Major', 'her boy' stood in front of her where she rested her hands on the small frame of his shoulders. They were leaning against some kind of stone boundary wall; the midwife had her arm around Meredith's shoulders. 'The Major', a handsome man, held the boy's hand, like a father would a son. They all looked happy … safe and secure and handsome. The area was shaded by the looming palm trees, except for these small bursts of bright sunlight that somehow fell on each of their shoulders … like halos. Cristina was quite certain she had never seen Meredith look so alive and well. The trip had been good to her._

_The other photograph, much smaller in size – but 'worth' just as much, she surmised – was of Derek asleep on an oversized hammock; an open air room of some sort could be seen behind him, shelves lined with books, intricate furnishings, some kind of thatched steeple. Derek had some kind of book on his chest, one arm raised above his head, the other lay across the book. The photo, so vivid, she could almost feel the warm sun he had fallen asleep under. Everything was vibrant, sharp, beautiful … and she saw now the clarity they might have found just by breaking away from Seattle. She shook her head, in truth, Cristina Yang had never really seen Derek Shepherd relax at all and now – just critiquing this private moment, most likely captured by Meredith – she not only saw Derek's past and the boy he probably was a long time ago, before his dad died and all the rest of it happened … but she also saw the future, realizing that Meredith and Derek really had overcome their obstacles._

_He was relaxed._

_She was smiling._

_And it meant everything … for their past and the future. _

"_Cristina?"_came Meredith's voice, breaking through the tough barrier of her subconscious mind.

Cristina pulled her eyes away from the photographs. Meredith narrowed her focus and pressed her lips together, she hedged.

"I have to write my vows," Cristina blurted out, relief consumed her; for she couldn't write her vows and she hadn't told anyone.

"You'll be fine," Meredith encouraged with a small smile.

"Yeah, yeah," Cristina muttered.

"Tonight … just relax, go home … and write what you feel – _what you see –_ it will come together," Meredith mused; a smile crept onto her face. She blushed.

"What I see … what I feel," Cristina repeated, letting the advice seep in – _it was all a void_ – her nerves were shot – _this was the one assignment she might fail_ – her heart clenched.

"It should come to you, just give yourself a chance to decompress," Meredith encouraged, truly believing that if Cristina had a moment to think straight about this marriage – she _would either call it off or turn around and commit_ – there was no gray area with this one.

"Decompress … I can do this," Cristina muttered, staring blankly at her friend … everything was still blank.

"You can do this," Meredith breathed her long lost, yet not forgotten mantra.

###

Meredith hung her beige bath towel on a small hook on the back of the bathroom door. Save for a mini wind tunnel of cooler air pushing its way under the door, the air was thick and humid and warm and soothing. Leaning over, she grabbed a pair of heather gray yoga pants from the small stack of clothing on the vanity. Pulling the pants on, she let them ride just below her pink, swollen belly, stopping now to rub her hands along her thick, stretched flesh _– fifteen weeks_ – _baby, baby, baby_, she smiled. Excited at the prospect of closing their pregnancy week, Meredith pulled an oversized black Henley on and smoothed it over her belly … _safe and warm and dry._

Wiping the foggy residue from the small vanity mirror in front of her now, Meredith found the clarity she had been missing since her conversation with Cristina earlier – _it was right in front of her_ – she could see her happiness, she could see her future with Derek – _all she had to do was open her eyes and find her lover _– it was all she needed most days and she wished that her dear friend could also find her version of happiness and be able to see it for herself. With the idea of wedding vows swirling around in her head, Meredith left the bathroom … happier than hell to find Derek in bed waiting for her.

_Long gone was the cooler air, long gone were the overcast sky … like she said, all she needed was to get lost within Derek's eyes, for now and for all time. Vows. His eyes twinkled in the dim light coming from his bedside lamp. Vows, she silently made them. She crossed the small space of the trailer, stopping briefly to turn the radiators up a notch, before she slipped into bed and rolled into Derek's familiar heat. Vows, did she even need them, for they resided within her already._

"Hmm, this is my ideal," Meredith confessed into Derek's neck, she wrapped her legs around his, his arms encircled her and she felt him relax in her arms, his earthy, more woodsy essence trapped itself in her nostrils …and only then was she truly home.

"It's mine too," he whispered, feeling Meredith's small baby bump rub against his abdomen. Tears pricked his eyes; he drew her closer. "Another week, fifteen weeks," he mused happily.

"Ready?" Meredith asked, her head nuzzled into the crook of her lover's neck.

"Ready," Derek repeated, reaching behind him, he swiped their book from the night table. Meredith rested her cheek on Derek's chest and he held the book open with one hand against his ribs, he squeezed her tight for a beat before he began to read.

"_Your growing baby now measures about 4.5 inches long, crown to rump, and weighs in at about 3 1/2 ounces. He is about the size of a small avocado. His legs are growing longer, and he can likely move all of her joints and limbs. If you have an ultrasound this week or anytime thereafter, you may be able to find out your baby's gender._

_You've probably gained about 5 pounds by now – which is a baseline more or less, depending on your pre-pregnancy weight of course. Really, expecting mothers needn't eat more than an extra three-hundred calories per day, which equates to two glasses of milk, but in the grand scheme of things, considering food cravings and aversions, added caloric intake is likely to vary from day to day or even hour by hour. Overall, at fifteen weeks, with the physical discomforts on the wane and energy on the rise, this is a wonderful trimester for most women."_

Derek settled the bookmark into place, closed the book, reached over and placed it back on his night table. His hand found Meredith's draped over the baby _– he ran his fingertips along her swollen flesh _– relishing once again in the physical evidence of their miracle.

"Ultrasound next week Derek," Meredith cooed, melting at his touch on her sensitive flesh.

"Sixteen weeks used to feel so far away," he breathed, his hot breath fanning her hair, he kissed her warm skull.

"An avocado," Meredith giggled. She looked up. "Kiss me," she sighed, feeling the strength of his hold on her.

"Hmm," he breathed. "Kiss me back," he muttered, his mouth hovering over hers for a beat now.

_Her eyes flicked to his where they stayed before he pressed his lips over hers, he pumped her sweet mango-drenched nerves, massaging her tongue with his, dance, dance, dance … harmonizing, his hand lay flat along her belly – their baby nestled safely between them – baby, baby, baby … they were all he needed in life, Meredith and this baby, they were indeed what made him tick, what made him feel alive and well and relaxed. They made him happy; he needn't redefine the term again in his lifetime. Pulling away now, he intended to tell her as much._

"Meredith?" he whispered into their heat, she draped her leg over his thighs, her belly resting against his ribs. He draped his arm low around her back.

"Yeah?" she asked, opening her eyes once again, surprised to find her lover's serious eyes staring back at her. "Derek … what?" she asked, her hand found the defined plane of his cheek.

"If you see the old me –"

"You mean the man I first fell in love with?" she asked before raising herself onto her elbow now. She stared down at her lover with interest. He smiled weakly.

"Hmm, yeah – _if you see him, his stress, his self-centeredness_ – can you help me move away from him?" he asked softly, his heart raging against his chest.

"Talk to me," Meredith encouraged softly.

Derek sighed, focusing on his reflection in the skylight window for a beat before he answered, once again, choosing his words carefully.

"I just … don't want to go back – _just remind me if I lose my attentiveness or even remotely become complacent _– just want to do my best not to take you for granted," he confessed, fear of his past mistakes encapsulating him for a beat in time.

"So this is a past mistakes thing?" she clarified, already knowing the root of his insecurities likely stemmed from his conversation with Addison. She smiled locked her eyes with his. "Yeah … okay then," she mused, leaning further up on her elbow, she watched Derek's face relax again. She smiled still. "I will … help you move away, Derek," she smiled. "But only after I kiss that version of you first," she pressed her lips together.

"Kissing's good," he agreed, already having an idea of where her sentiment came from.

"I fell in love with you Derek – _the imperfect you_ – and I love you still … you're what makes me tick … for now … and for always and forever …," she sighed breathlessly. "But … if I ever see that guy – _the arrogant one with the perfect hair and stunning sad eyes_ – I'm gonna kiss him first," she whispered, pressing a chaste kiss to his temple.

"I love you," Derek whispered into the sweet essence of her skin, pressing his lips to her neck as she ran her fingertips along his hairline with her free hand.

"And I love you …you're happy and so am I … and so is this baby," she mused, reaching over; she flipped the light switch off.

_The lovers hunkered down in the darkness of their enclave, a light rain falling over the trailer as their resting heart rates slowed down while they took one last look at one another until dawn._

_Derek smiled and kissed Meredith, pushing his nose against hers, push, push, push. Meredith lay flush against Derek, their feet tangled together in a mess of compatible limbs._

_Their miracle baby pressing against his ribs – her palm resting over his heart – as his rhythm slowed down now while she watched with bated breath as he closed his eyes._

_For she knew that in a matter of seconds, his facial muscles would relax completely and his breathing would become nice and easy until became the guy on the hammock on Bali … the other man – that second version of him – she fell head over heels in love with._

_And then … there he was … her lover, her 'everything'._

_She closed her eyes … and kissed his neck … and fell fast asleep._

**Chapter 19 – Love Will Keep Us Alive – Part 2 of 4 to follow.**


	49. Chapter 19, Love Will Keep Us Alive, P2

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al. **

**Author's Note: Thank you for the kind words, I do hope you continue to enjoy this chapter, please let me know what you think, I love hearing from you!**

**Chapter 19 – Love Will Keep Us Alive – Part 2 of 4**

Derek sat under the fluorescent lights in the main lobby entrance of Grace, the automatic doors swooshed behind him – _a gust of cold, damp air came and went with each movement, swoosh, swoosh – _rain, rain, the doors opened and closed again … and again. His mind drifted to that night all those months ago when he sat here waiting for Meredith only to have Addison show up when she did. His heart raced, if felt like a lifetime ago … like a nightmare he had once, and maybe it was.

_Smiling tightly now in recollection, he realized how out of his element he felt at the moment, for he was flying solo tonight for the first time since he set foot on Australia and met up with Meredith – and right here, right now, even though he would see her again in about four hours – he was pretty sure he missed her. As ridiculous as it sounded, he did._

Meredith had gone off to her house with Cristina and Izzie – _a little impromptu bachelorette party Izzie had planned_ – one that Meredith believed Cristina had no intention of enjoying. Derek shook his head, he didn't even want to pretend to understand Burke and Cristina's relationship and yet – _here he was waiting_ – for him and Alex and George … plus Richard, while a night of intense awkward pauses and stiff drinks hung in the wings. Derek glanced at his watch – _just after 8:00 PM _– the plan was to meet up with the ladies at the house again at about midnight … and in Derek's book, midnight couldn't come fast enough.

_The elevator chimed and Derek looked up to find Mark crossing over the threshold – he had on a dark pair of slacks and a leather bomber jacket, no briefcase – he was alone; an anomaly in and of itself … for Mark Sloan was never truly alone._

"Hey," Mark greeted, he scanned Derek's eyes, trying to gauge his mood.

"Hey," Derek repeated … thinking now about Mark and Seattle now that Addison was taking off. "So … what are your plans?" he asked.

"Well … I'm meeting Callie Torres for a date," he answered with a wry grin. "I know you're taking Burke out tonight, thanks for the invitation by the way …," he ribbed, smiling broadly as he did.

"I didn't mean _tonight_," Derek said more seriously. "I meant … _your plan_ … Addison's taking off, what are you gonna do?" he persisted curiously.

_Mark's mind went blank. The truth was – he hadn't really thought about it – after all he and Addison were separate entities and her leaving didn't necessitate his departure, not like it once did anyway. Plus he liked Callie Torres, she was bright as hell and articulate and dark and self-deprecating just like he was add to that her new fear of commitment and well … she was his match and as scary as it would be to admit it, his date with her had kind of dimmed the spotlight of Addison's departure … he liked Callie._

"Well, I like Callie …," he smiled thoughtfully. "And I like my job … and well things between us are …," his voice trailed off with uncertainty.

"Improving," Derek offered, surprised by the mention of Callie's name in the equation. "So … you're staying?" he asked, surprised even more by the hopeful tone of his own voice.

"I think so, yeah …," Mark smiled tightly, feeling the terse and combative undertone of Derek's typical stance slip even further away.

"Well, in that case if you weren't already busy tonight, I'd ask you to come along for a drink," Derek muttered, holding his hand out, he shook his old friend's hand and watched the trepidation dissipate as he did.

_And just like that … another bridge was crossed, leaving both Derek and Mark on the same side for the first time in a long time._

"So … the big day's tomorrow?" Mark asked.

"Yep, late in the afternoon," Derek answered.

"Mints," Mark muttered after a few seconds. He crossed his arms along his chest. "And a getaway car," his added, his eyes transfixed on the elevator.

"What?" Derek asked, turning briefly toward his old friend.

"You're the best man – _and a good best man_ – always has a tin of mints and a getaway car ready … so make sure you have yours," he chuckled.

"You didn't have either at my wedding," Derek pointed out, his eyes also on the elevator now.

"We should have known then," Mark muttered conspiratorially, Derek snorted.

_Their eyes met somewhere in the middle, watching now as the male contingency stepped from the elevator … along with one gorgeous Callie Torres. It seemed the night would be long for some … and young for others._

###

Meredith eyed her tightly wound friend carefully – _Cristina was supposed to be getting married tomorrow_ – married, as in forever and ever and maybe even after that … but all Meredith saw was anger and frustration. Her dear friend was desperate – _her wiry dark hair disheveled, her mind obviously working on overdrive, her eyes tired; yet on full alert, like she was waiting for something, imaginatively sparring with the flames from the crackling fire in front of her_ – she was exhausted, pushing herself toward her outer limits; although Meredith was starting to believe she was looking never to return.

_This was not going well, at all … even Izzie's "Goodship Lollipop" routine where everything was rosy as long as there were rose-tinted glasses wasn't redirecting the daggers of confusion and mistrust and disillusionment darting Cristina's persona. They were dodging bullets, left, right, top and bottom and Meredith wondered how in the world this got to be so hard and so fast … something had to be done._

_Except that nothing was working – not booze or chocolate cake and certainly not the 'wrap Meredith up in toilet paper game', not even her mother's surgical tapes – no … it was time for drastic measures because something was up and it wasn't gonna be pretty because Meredith was pretty sure there would be no wedding … tomorrow._

_Meredith took a sip of her third mango smoothie – she was going to float away at this rate – her bladder rolling already … she would have to pee soon. Taking a second, she stole a glance at her friend, who with another round of combative remarks and retorts under her belt – rolled her eyes at Izzie – who in turn glanced at Meredith for help … except she was fresh out of ideas, she shrugged her shoulders._

_They were helpless, all three of them._

"How about another Mai Tai?" Izzie offered with an excited smile – _anything would be better than this_ – she took Cristina's glass from her before she had a chance to answer, leaving Meredith alone with _'Bridezilla'_, for now.

"Cristina … if you tell me, maybe I can help," Meredith said gently, moving to sit next to her friend, the fireplace crackled in the foreground.

"What the hell am I supposed to do about the stupid vows?" Cristina hissed, locking her eyes on the wild flames … dance, snap, dance – _she lost herself for a beat, waiting now to face the truth_ – as good as accepting her fate: Meredith's opinion.

"You still haven't written anything?" Meredith asked … was this the loophole she had been waiting for – _or perhaps the sign that would alleviate Cristina's stress and help her see make some final commitment_ – either way.

"Well, it's stupid crap," Cristina defended weakly, no point in avoiding the inevitable: _something was wrong._

_She. Could. Not. Write. Her. Vows._

"What's stupid?" asked Izzie with her perma-grin.

She surveyed her friends, surprised to find Meredith in one piece, the heat from the fireplace, amplifying the high tension energy that somehow hung in a dark cloud over Cristina's head, kind of like that floating cloud of dirty air Charles Schulz drew over _'Pigpen'_ from _The Peanuts_ … yeah, something like that – _swirling dust particles, a tornado_ – and an angry one at that.

"No, it isn't stupid," Meredith spoke up. "She thinks wedding vows are stupid because she can't write hers," she elaborated to Izzie pointedly.

The sparring women watching now as Izzie placed a tray on the coffee table on top of which sat an assortment of chocolate truffles, a pitcher of some kind of light green and pungent mixed drink – _sweet and tangy, mostly hard alcohol_ – and of course another mango smoothie for the pregnant woman. Izzie sat down next to Meredith and handed the fresh drink to her.

"Well, what am I supposed to say?" Cristina chastised, her face contorted, her eyes wild. "I swear to love and cherish you every moment of every day of my life?" she asked. "I mean, that's not real! That's not how it works, right?" she asked breathlessly now.

_Cristina's heart ached the closer she moved toward her confession. So, she self-medicated instead … she did her best to deflect the attention away from the fact that she couldn't write her vows – the truth was she couldn't get behind something she had no belief in – no belief … none … only then did her heart truly give out. _

"You can take it for granted – _like you are now _– that Burke will always love you and that you never have to tell each other just how much," Izzie challenged.

"He knows I love him," Cristina retorted, flicking her eyes up to Izzie's. "And saying it in front of three-hundred people I don't know and don't care to know, won't change that!" she heaved, standing up, she paced, finally turning her back on her friends … this was too much, too much!

"You're right, it's not about the three-hundred people," Izzie said softly, glancing at Meredith who sighed. "It's about you and Burke – _he wants this traditional declaration, even if it was just the two of you at City Hall_ – don't you think you would mark the occasion with some words or promises for the future …," she sighed, her heart on fire as she struggled to continue. "Cristina … this is it … my God, it's what people do when they're in undying love with one another it's … it's –"

"Perfectly natural," Meredith spoke up, Cristina's eyes darted up to meet hers. "And it shouldn't be hard, once you get started – _Cristina, this is survival stuff, it's what your life with Burke is made from_ – what's innate to you and to him," she whispered, knowing that in her heart of hearts she could never find enough ways or words to describe her love or devotion to Derek. Cristina turned away from the fire, her eyes wide with … fear, the undertone of betrayal there too.

"So what? So because I can't get my head around this archaic tradition and because I don't believe in it – _that somehow means _– my love isn't real enough?" she all but screamed, her heart pounding in her ears now … not even the gentle way her pregnant friend illuminated the room with her inner and outer peace could subdue the rage she felt inside.

"No … no," Izzie stated firmly, she found Cristina's eyes. "But let me say this … what if you couldn't – _what if you couldn't be with the person that you love, Preston Burke _– I guarantee that hearing him promise to love you and honor you and cherish you, _no matter what_, it would be pretty much all you could think about – _even when someone else comes along who's pretty great_ – it's hard, hard to let go … even when you have to and that's when you know … that's when you know your love is enough, if it survives … death," she finished, her hand over her heart … _pounding; Denny, Denny, Denny … Alex, Alex, Alex._

Meredith rested her head on Izzie's shoulder and laced her fingers through her friend's. She felt her tremble. "This isn't an exam – _there's no pass or fail here_ – and love isn't black or white Cristina … no one can judge if your love is enough … no one but you," Meredith counseled.

_Cristina stood in front of the fire for a moment longer – a wave of deep-rooted fear undulated though her and abandonment crashed over her – her mother may have been right after all … perhaps she was too emotionally stunted to commit or maybe … just maybe her love for Burke wasn't enough – not enough to surrender to the relationship with her eyes wide open like Meredith did with Derek – and certainly not when she didn't feel like she was embracing the surrender. No, she didn't want to._

"_I'm disappearing …,"_

_And so maybe there was some truth to it … if she could not sit down – right here, right now – and count the ways in which she loved Preston Burke, if she could not articulate that love – what was the point? But … she did love him, with all of her heart (that she was willing to give) – she loved him … and she could see all the good, she could find tangible ways to say how much she loved him – he was a good man, a brilliant surgeon and he loved her, in a way that was uniquely his way, he did love her – but what truly scared her was not being able to 'see' their future. If she closed her eyes … the slate was blank._

"_I'm losing myself …,"_

_It went back to what Meredith had said several times already … if she could see it, a life, a future, growing old with Burke, she would live it. And she didn't see it. Instead she felt trapped. She was resentful. She didn't want to live this way … held inside of herself. She didn't want to write her stupid vows because she couldn't visualize surviving in the marriage. No, she didn't love him enough and he couldn't love the idea of 'them' enough for both of them. No … she didn't want this wedding … not right now … maybe not ever._

"_I'm not sure what to do …,"_

"Call Derek," Cristina whispered after another long minute _– her eyes trained on the bouncing fire in front of her_ – listening to her voice with curiosity as it cracked while she began to crumble and melt away on the inside.

"Cristina?" Meredith questioned, she flicked her eyes to find Izzie's wide ones.

"Please, Meredith," she whispered. Her plea hung in the air, she watched the fire … it was beautiful – _it started to defrost her –_ this outer shell she held herself within for so long. "Just call Derek and ask him … _ask him to being Burke here_ … and don't ask me for more than that right now," she said, finally finding the courage to turn away from the fire, it lapped at her back as she stared at her friends wide open eyes.

###

Meredith stood, her back to the other players huddled around her mother's kitchen table. This was it – _they were in crises mode here and for once it wasn't a medical emergency_ – although still a serious matter of the heart.

Cristina and Burke had been having a heated conversation since the moment they all left them alone to fend for themselves – _strong, uncaring words of placing blame had been thrown like daggers, their tension filling the house, the dismantling of their relationship on display for all to hear_ – until all was quiet … eerily so.

And so Meredith stood, facing away from their rage, her heart trembling inside, just thinking of her mother and what her failed relationships did to her – _thinking now about Cristina and the damage that this relationship would cause her_ – for it was no secret, she and her mother were a lot alike. Meredith sighed and shrugged her shoulders, relaxing slightly when she felt Derek's hand on the small of her back – _warm, gentle and soothing, yet strong and predictable_ – like he would always be there … and she knew he always would be. She grabbed several wine glasses from the curio cabinet and turned to face Derek– _he smiled weakly, no words necessary, his touch was enough_ – she handed the glasses to him and they walked to the table.

Derek set the glasses on the table, making note of the grim faces that stared back at him. "It's quiet now," he muttered, taking a seat at the table.

_Alex uncorked a bottle of champagne – its innate sound of celebration almost uncanny and completely inappropriate – he snorted before he began to pour it. George grabbed a chocolate cupcake from a plate situated in the center of the table and went to work … carefully peeling the wrapper down with the precision of a skilled surgeon._

"You're eating George?" Izzie hissed; he only raised his brow. "Seriously?" she persisted – _her blue eyes wide_ – her mouth agape with horror.

"Izz … have some champagne," Alex sighed, pushing a glass across the table.

"Cupcakes and champagne, seriously?" she asked in complete shock – _her brow raised, back and forth her gaze went_ – as she took in the two men and their apparent nonchalance, _tsk, tsk, tsk._

"When in Rome –"

"What's that supposed to mean? Alex? Seriously?" she demanded, he snorted.

"Hey listen, it's _really_ quiet … _out there_," Meredith said softly, she felt Derek's hand on her thigh, she rested hers over his. "Do you think they left together?" she added, full of relief and dread at the same time.

"No … no," Derek replied, finding her eyes. "After all the screeching and then the heated … whispering – _no, no_ – they're not going anywhere together is my guess," he elaborated … also full of relief and dread.

"I think you're right," Meredith agreed, all eyes snapped to attention as if hearing it from Meredith meant something more to them. "I don't know …," she breathed, her voice trailing off, she pressed her lips together to hold her tongue, no sense in theorizing now.

_Meredith looked down and away, she met Derek's eyes and smiled weakly, pressing her hand over his, grounding herself as she let her mind wander for a beat in the relative quiet of the moment, for she was already wondering how Cristina and Burke would peacefully coexist at Grace … with the intensity of the secrets they shared and still held over each other's heads, Meredith feared – as over as their relationship was or seemed to be – it would never truly end or 'be' over._

_Tears stung her eyes on the realization that Cristina would be trapped in this new world – trapped somewhere between Burke the Cardio-God who had a way of holding surgeries over her head and the lover once was – and with that thought in mind, Meredith swallowed hard … Cristina would not likely come out on top with this one, and for someone like her … this would break her. She would have no way out but to breakaway._

"Lets just wait," Alex offered, finding his role of the peacekeeper easier and easier to fall into since he assumed the voice in the family when Meredith departed.

"Wait … _remind me_ what we're waiting for," George said, folding the foil cupcake wrapped into a perfectly shaped cone, one-fourth its original size. He looked up. "We already know what's gonna happen … it's over, done," he added.

_And on his words, the house went quiet … no one made a move – 'it's over, done' – his words hung in the air, replaying like a mantra, the players all stuck somewhere between relief and dread. The consumption of dismay and guilt and glee and relief and utter disbelief swarmed around the players now over their displaced happiness over the dismantling of a potentially disastrous marriage. Yes … emotions flew high, all mingled together now – banging into one another – until the force felt too great to bear for one player in particular._

_Meredith pushed her chair back from the table and extricated herself from the hovering intensity. Her hand found her belly – connecting … baby, baby – she walked into the mudroom off the kitchen and pressed her hands along the cool metal edge of the bright white washing machine. It was noticeably darker, more private and even more subdued. It was damp and cold. She heard another chair move across the floor … Derek._

"It's almost over," he whispered as he came to stand behind her stiff form. He felt her relax into his body.

"I know … it's horrifying, it's never really going to end for them," she said softly –_ encapsulated by his natural woodsy heat _– the damp, cold … all but gone. "And not – _not in our way, not in a good way Derek _– they have no hope," she muttered.

"I know …," he said, pressing a small row of kisses along the regal line of her neck, his hands clasped along her belly, _baby, baby._

"I can hear them – _wait, wait_ – can't you?" she asked, cocking her head, straining to hear until she turned around to face Derek. He draped his arm over her shoulder and they walked back into the kitchen toward Cristina's explosive tone.

"_YOU KNOW WHAT? I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT – YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT ME – YOU DON'T, YOU SAY YOU DO …BUT YOU DON'T!" she screeched._

"_CRISTINA, DO YOU HEAR YOURSELF? YOU MAKE NO SENSE!" Burke boomed, his voice moving further away from hers._

"_I make perfect sense Burke – maybe not to you or to your mother OR EVEN MINE – BUT HAD YOU LISTENED TO ME …," she insisted, her voice high-pitched and off-key. "I didn't want this elaborate wedding! I TOLD YOU THAT!" she yelped, her voice rising in a furious crescendo._

"_There's nothing more I can say on the topic," Burke replied stiffly, his voice even further away now. "It doesn't matter now anyway, does it?" he asked, pointedly … high on his perch where he belonged._

"_No … I guess it doesn't," Cristina muttered in defeat. "Before you … go," she snorted, her voice uneven, cracked. "I just want to know one thing … you … how is it that you can take better care of a stranger's physical heart – cradle them, revere them with such delicacy and respect – how is that, how can you do that so naturally for them … but you can't be like that … delicate and caring … with mine?" she cried. "Just how … how?" she stifled a small sob._

"_Perhaps I would … if yours was … delicate and caring," he stated smoothly._

_Footsteps came and went._

_The door opened and clicked shut._

_The silence was deafening._

_Footsteps came closer … and closer still._

_The kitchen door swung open._

_Cristina stood just inside the jamb._

"It's over. So over," she said to no one in particular –_ she was in a daze; her eyes darted around the room_ – crestfallen at best.

"Cristina," Meredith whispered, approaching her friend without hesitation.

"Don't … not yet," she said – _her hand flew up in protest_ – her tone flat, devoid of emotion.

Izzie sailed up and to the rescue; she felt the need to get her out of that room, out from under the watchful eyes. "Come on … lets … I'll run a bath for you," she whispered. "Meredith will be right up," she soothed, nodding at Meredith.

"I'll go up with them," Alex muttered, slipping from the side door.

"I'll go see about Burke," George said, pushing his chair away from the table. "We'll be outside," he muttered as he moved through the swinging door.

_Derek wasted no time and folded Meredith into his arms. He rocked his sweet lover – swaying back and forth – pressing his nose into her wild hair, breathing her in – making it last – rock, rock … her tiny baby bump, rubbing low against his abdomen._

"I'll make sure he gets home all right … I have an early shift," he sighed, making note of the late hour.

"I think I'll stay here, why don't you come back – _sleep on the sofa_ – I can't … I'll need to see you before tomorrow," she confessed, resting her head over his heart … _thump, thump, thump._

"Me too," he said, pulling back. "I couldn't stay away if I tried – _I love you_ – so much," he whispered, lowering his mouth to hers, kissing her sweet lips, _once, twice._

"Do you think she'll survive?" Meredith asked, her eyes wet now.

"I think so … she has no choice, it's survival time and you … you and I both know something about that …," he smiled, a small knowing twinkle appeared in his eyes, dancing now off of the dim lights.

"We do … we do," Meredith agreed. "I love you," she stated simply … she could say more, but she didn't have to. "I'll see you in a couple of hours," she said as they walked arm in arm out of the kitchen and into the foyer.

_Derek smiled, grabbed his coat and closed the door behind him. All was quiet. Eerily so. Meredith closed her eyes for a brief moment … survival … Cristina would survive because that was what women like Cristina did – they came out on top – eventually. They surrendered … on their own terms. And so would she … so would she, if Meredith had anything to say about it._

**Chapter 19 – Love Will Keep Us Alive – Part 3 of 4 to follow.**


	50. Chapter 19, Love Will Keep Us Alive, P3

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al. **

**Author's Note: So … three comments on the last part posted! That's a record low, even for me, which is so hard to believe considering the number of people reading. It's disappointing to me, because I for one loved how this story came together in the end. But if we keep this up, I'll never know how you feel, which is just as important to me.**

**Thank you to ****MerDerSoInLove**** , ****caliginous**** and ****Grey'sAnatomyfanatic**** for taking the time to communicate with me … and I truly hope you enjoy this next part!**

**Chapter 19 – Love Will Keep Us Alive – Part 3 of 4**

Meredith glanced at the clock, Cristina hadn't said a word – _not a single word, not a single tear slipped from her eyes … nothing_ – since she hung up in the middle of screaming at her mother almost two hours ago.

Which left them where they were – _laying on her old bed together_ – Meredith's hands draped across her abdomen … her miracle baby still safe and warm and protected from life's cruelties. She turned her attention to the window and the familiar splatter of the rain as it fell against the glass and she sighed. She watched Cristina – _her eyes wide open, staring at the ceiling, her friend was a shell _– cracked wide open for all to see. And for someone like Cristina, that vulnerability of a crack was like a tinted window, one where the shutters had remained closed tight for a long time – _nothing more than a shelter from the storm of life_ – until now … until she was exposed … rendering her catatonic ... swept away, _float, float, float._

"He wasn't just my lover," Cristina confessed.

_The linens rustled like leaves as she rolled away from Meredith and kept her eyes trained on the rain drops rolling down the window in front of her … if all had gone according to plan … she'd almost be married – right at this very moment – she'd be in that wedding dress, with that sparkling choker-noose around her neck … right now … except she wasn't, she heaved a sigh of relief. She had the sense not to surrender … and as forlorn as she was, she was full of relief too, she had become her own paradox._

"I know," Meredith acknowledged; her voice soft, understanding.

"Just because I couldn't marry him – _and surrender everything, my whole fucking self_ – doesn't mean … I didn't _love_ him," she whispered; a hint of sarcasm there too … her hiss hung in the air.

"I know that too," Meredith encouraged.

"My mother was finally right," she snorted with a laugh. "She's so … she said this whole – _what was the word she used … ah … 'charade'_ – she said it was all a waste of time and effort … she said Burke's a good man who would take care of me," she scoffed. "Clearly … she's delusional … on so many levels," she said sardonically.

_Meredith smiled; for it seemed her friend wasn't totally lost, not yet anyway._

"Well … you have a couple of weeks off ...," Meredith said aloud, her mind working, connecting the dots, thinking about Derek's advice to Owen and how it worked for him … to breakaway, clear his head. "You could … get away, hell … you could go on that honeymoon of yours," she suggested matter-of-factly.

Cristina rolled over and stared at her friend. "You really think I'm about to do that?" she snorted, sitting up. "If I do that – _all I'll do is think and I'd rather cut, except –_ I can't be do that either!" she heaved, straightening up now, her dark hair in the same messy ponytail since last night. "Burke will be there – _he's the lock and the key to my … existence _– I _can't_ get away … how is it that I have no place to go … again? See, I should have kept my fucking apartment!" she retorted, craning her neck up, damning her tears to recede.

_She set her eyes on those damp shadows again … billowing, swaying, lulling her to that quiet place of a darkened dream … rain, rain, rain._

"You could live here … stay as long as you want," Meredith sighed.

"Thanks … as crappy as that sounds, it actually seems like a good idea … I can't go … _home,_" she breathed, cringing slightly inside before making brief eye contact with her friend – _noticing now the silhouette of her small baby_ _bump_ – she smiled weakly and shook her head, without thinking … she reached over and pressed her hand against Meredith's stretched flesh.

_So there they sat … still – friends since day one, their paths diverging with each passing minute – each thinking now about survival and what it meant and how this was all going to play out … within the walls of the OR and out. And unfortunately with this one – this one case, this particular relationship – there was no easy way out._

_No … there may not be a way to stop these bleeding hearts, the carnage left behind the wreckage of them – Cristina Yang and Preston Burke – were no more … even after all the shared secrets and misery and unrequited collaboration … the cover-up … 'Tremorgate' …would forever be the legacy they left behind._

_Cristina shook her head – how was she meant to survive that – how could she persevere … come out on top? Would her career survive without Burke – would her reputation be as tarnished as Izzie's – had she survived the inquisition surrounding the LVAD debacle only to be the one who would __always__ have something to prove … that she was more than just the woman who __almost__ left the great Preston Burke at the altar? Shit, for someone so smart, how could she be so fucking stupid! How could she let herself … fall … in … love … in the first place?_

_So, she couldn't surrender! So what!_

_Except for now, she had to ask herself: how would she survive and be able to look beyond this mess and actually 'see' the future – a future that didn't involve Burke – one that might be less blank … less devoid of substance … less empty? And more fulfilled? How?_

"I feel empty," Cristina confessed into thin air, she hung her head for a beat. "I feel like cowering and that's not who I am – _my head's spinning and I can't see a way out_ – this might too big for me," she rambled, her heart shook … _twist, turn, twist._

"No … no, Cristina … it's not … you're stronger than this," Meredith countered, trying to see beyond the insecurity in her dear friend's eyes.

"What would your mother have done?" Cristina asked suddenly; turning her full attention to Meredith, desperate for answers, insight.

Meredith smiled weakly. "I'll tell you what she _did_ … when things fell apart … she split, left town," she sighed, her heart aching … just enough, just a bit. "She was strong … threw herself into work and never looked back," she elaborated softly.

"I just … I get it now … why you left, or needed to leave and why she did too – _I just don't know if I'll make it on my own though _– again, clearly not thinking like myself … but I get it, the need to …go," Cristina sighed.

"You finally get me," Meredith smiled.

"I … I do," Cristina muttered. "And I just … want to survive – _like you did, like your mother did_ – I just need time …," Cristina proposed, her mind working to piece the puzzle together. "And I want to be able to do it alone," she sighed.

_Cristina looked to find her friend gawking at her. She watched Meredith get out of bed and pace – back and forth – her arms crossed over her chest, she reached for her hoodie and slipped it over her head before she turned to face her friend._

"What exactly do you want to survive? Being alone? Being without Burke? Working with him … seeing him and not being with him?" Meredith asked pointedly.

_The questions were numerous and only led to further unanswered questions. In truth, the situation between the former lovers would be tense at work … but not likely to be more of a pressure cooker they had already survived … hiding Burke's tremor until he came clean must have been hell – except at least with that, they were in it __together__ – as disjointed as their relationship seemed to be … they were together. They survived; each in their own way of course, but they did … survive. Meredith sighed … and then she had a glimmer of an idea._

"I don't know… there's this void … this gaping hole, what the hell is going to happen? Will I ever get into the OR again?" Cristina started to ramble, her mind moving faster – _hypothesizing was a bitch, she was so screwed_ – she sighed.

"Who said you have to be alone?" Meredith wondered before her mind stopped short at a single moment of clarity … she smiled. "This isn't about running … you can't just run … Burke will still be here …," Meredith thought aloud.

"I know and I know it's over, there's no going back … at least you had a feeling, you had hope for you and Derek, but for me … there's just this hole – _and I need something to fill it up_ – and I don't have anyone … I mean I _do_ … I have you – _but to cut … to work … there's no one _– no one who will let me do what he let me do in an OR … and I need more! I need … something bigger than this," she admitted.

"I know you do … and I get it, remember … I really do … and that's why I just want you to hear me out," Meredith stated with a wide smile as she sat on the edge of the bed again.

###

_Derek smiled tightly as he turned out of his patient's room, so far the day had gone pretty well and had passed pretty quickly, he was busy, in and out of the OR and that helped a great deal. He had about an hour left of his shift – then he would head back to the trailer, grab some clothing and other items on Meredith's short list – and return to her mother's house where they would set up camp for a couple of days while Cristina got settled. With Burke gone with his parents, things for the moment anyway, were in limbo … God only knows how it would be once they both returned to work. His PDA buzzed at his hip, he snapped the device from the waistband of his scrub pants and smiled when he saw Meredith's name._

"Hey," he greeted; a smile crossing over his face as he stopped at the Nurses' Station to replace his chart. Mark walked up; he held his finger up as he listened intently to Meredith.

_Mark looked at his friend, watching his retreating form as he paced into the small waiting area there, knowing that Meredith was held up at her old house with Cristina – having heard an earful about the whole sordid affair from Callie over pillow talk this morning – also well aware now that the cancelling of this union seemed to be the right thing and in the end it sounded like both Burke and Yang dodged a bullet. Derek paced, a smile playing across his face now, saying something about Meredith being a genius._

"So … she's – _on board with this, if I can get this done_ – she's … good to go?" Derek asked with a small smile, shaking his head again at the way life changed sometimes and at the blink of an eye too. "Well … let me make the calls, talk to Webber, but I agree … she needs to figure out how to live beyond the fallout …," he added thoughtfully. "Hmm … just like you did…," he murmured softly with a knowing smile, _God he loved her._ "Hmm, just like I did too, you're right," he chuckled, listening now for a beat. "Yeah, she could use that book … I'll grab it … and yes – _I'll take our letter out_ – and bring some mangos too," he chuckled at his woman's antics. "See you in a few hours then ...," he smiled. "I love you too," he replied, his smile even wider as he snapped the PDA shut and met Mark's curious gaze.

"Looks like I'm gonna need to call in another favor into Peter … get some time with the Chief to iron this whole thing out," he muttered conspiratorially.

"So, Yang's gonna split?" Mark presumed, as the duo started walking toward the Chief's office.

"Nah … she's going to survive – _in Yemen_ – and hopefully under the expert tutelage of Owen Hunt," Derek countered with a smile – _for if there was one person on earth (besides Meredith Grey) he could trust with Cristina Yang's survival_ – it was Owen Hunt.

###

Hours later Derek walked up the front porch steps, beleaguered from his wares, he was bogged down – _a small travel bag of clothing for them, plus a shopping bag with the survival book Meredith asked for and a handful of ripe mangos, plus his briefcase and lastly … Meredith's box of Balinese treasures_ – which arrived (thankfully) in one piece.

He chuckled, rushing the last few steps to the door in order to pin Meredith's box between him and the side of the house to turn the handle and push on the door with his free hand, stepping inside – _the first thing he noticed was the quiet … and peace, there was peace here too_ – he smiled and set the heavy box and the shopping bag down on the small entry way table and sighed.

He let his bag slip from his shoulder and set his briefcase down before he removed his coat, the wool still damp and cold from his moments of clarity spent at the helm of the ferryboat – _amazed that in less than twenty-four hours everything had changed and for the better in his humble opinion and if anyone asked him_ – he wouldn't hesitate to just chalk it up to fate or destiny or simply that everything happens for a reason.

_He slipped his shoes off …_

_The house was quiet …_

_The day was almost over …_

_And then his angel sang …_

"_Hey,"_ came the soft timbre of Meredith's voice, he turned around to find his lover standing in the entryway to the living room – _her hair up in a messy ponytail, her belly well-protected via her oversized hoodie, her cheeks pink, her eyes dancing and happy_ – happy to see him.

"Hey," he whispered into the quiet where the met somewhere in the middle of the old foyer.

_Her hands found his chest, his arms found the small of her back, her belly brushed against his abdomen … each move instinctual – the stuff of survival – he missed her … he needed her … needed to taste her sweet flesh … he kissed her._

"I missed you," he confessed against her lips. "All day," he muttered, pulling her closer, breathing her in … the cold that chased him all day, finally evaporated, one touch was all he needed.

"Me too," she breathed; relief consumed her … filling her up.

_Pulling back now, she surveyed his clear blue eyes, tired from the day, yet dancing nonetheless, she lay her head down, resting it for a beat over his heart muscle where he reflexively began to rock her … swaying, cradling and now connecting, his hand found her belly. She closed her eyes for a beat, stopping to breathe him in, stopping to feel thankful … just stopping. She opened her eyes, seeing now the collection of things Derek brought with him, her box of treasures included. Perfect timing, she thought with a wry grin._

"Bigger," Derek whispered into Meredith's ear, he smiled; snaking his hand under the loose hem of her hoodie, she giggled. "I need to see you," he breathed, his voice low … intimate – _his chest tightened with unforeseen emotion_ – he pressed his nose under her ear, her sweet elixir calmed his energy from the day.

"Cristina's napping in the other room, no one else is here," Meredith whispered, peeking up. Derek smiled. "Grab our bag, I have an idea …," she said pulling on his hand.

Derek did as he was told and the couple crept by the entryway, spying Cristina curled up on the sofa, wrapped in a cashmere throw.

"George went home, Alex and Izzie are out," Meredith reported when they got to the top of the stairs. "I feel like we're the adults, sneaking in alone time or something," she giggled, crossing over the threshold to her old bedroom.

_Derek followed her inside, making no attempt to linger; Meredith headed straight for the bathroom, promptly locking the door behind her. Derek turned the shower on and turned to find Meredith, pulling her hoodie over her head. Derek smiled and sat down on the lid of the toilet, she stepped in between his legs, looking down she caught his eyes as he peeked up._

"See … bigger," he chuckled, dancing his fingertips along her stretched flesh, caressing her belly button, dipping his fingers below the waistband of her pants.

"Bigger," she giggled, finding his shining eyes where they stayed connected for a moment in time. "I love you," she declared suddenly, her eyes wet – _wanting always to remember the way he looked at her right there … inside this one moment _– like she was his everything.

"Love you too," his whispered, his voice lost within sound of the rushing water.

_Unable to stop his hands as they moved along her taut flesh, his eyes fixated on hers as she became blurred through his collection of tears and the swirling steam all around them… she was a vision, more perfect than a dream._

_And on that thought, Derek slipped his hands onto her bare tush underneath the thin fabric of her yoga pants while she pulled her Henley off, the flesh of belly and fuller breasts suddenly all he could see – her nipples taut, perfectly ripe and rosy … darker – he drank her in, swallowing her sex appeal, while his dream became his reality once again. He pressed his lips to her belly, tasting her flesh, silently connecting with their miracle … safe and warm and protected._

_He stood, pulling his blue pinstripe button down over his head before he unzipped his jeans and kicked them and his boxers from his feet. Meredith shimmied out of her yoga pants and the couple stepped into the enclave of the steamy hot shower together._

_Wordlessly, they stood under the spray of water for a long minute, connecting, caressing, kissing, cherishing and loving one another – their flesh warmed and suddenly flushed, their hearts beating to the same ensemble, the essence of them mingling with the hot tufts of steam, encapsulating them – raining down on them as they stayed inside the treasured moment and basked in the survival and tenacity of the 'them' they had become._

"You're beautiful," Derek husked into their wet heat. He cupped her face, nudging his nose against hers. "You always have been … but this way," he sighed, his chest tightened, hot spits of water danced between them. "You steal my breath … you're full of life," he whispered, his love burgeoning all over again, his heart aching … stretching now just like her skin.

"I'm … full of us," Meredith sighed. "You and me," she said softly, kissing his cheek, she moved his hands down to her belly, where her protruding flesh rubbed against his – _she drew him closer and kissed his sweet, wet lips, lapping at his nerves over and over and over again_ – holding his skull in her hands, her fingers nestled in his plentiful wet locks. "I'll never grow tired of us," she choked out.

"Hmm, nor will I," Derek replied in earnest.

_Moving his lips down along the perfect line of Meredith's neck now, he reached back to release her hair from her ponytail before moving his hand through her wild tresses as she tipped her head back and let the warm water soothe her weary mind, lathering his hands Derek massaged her skull, watching the soapy residue cascade down his lover's new curves – twirl, swirl, slip and slide – down, down, down, passing through her perfectly painted toes, spiraling into the drain, another day survived … another day together._

_Switching places, Derek craned his neck back and let the shampoo wash from his hair – he felt Meredith's gentle, soothing touch as she washed his body, massaging his muscles – healing him, taking care of him – like no woman before her. Her hands moved with precision, pummeling him where necessary, taking no prisoners as she massaged his cock, her strokes gentle, purposeful, she washed him … he opened his eyes to find her loving gaze._

_Stepping forward, she captured his lips with hers, palming his sack as she did, stealthily massing his nerves … mine, mine, mine, she chanted. Her core ignited, her sex filled the air. She playfully raised her brow, her giggle filling the air now too, for she knew sex in the shower was out of the question – Derek had long since been afraid of slipping or falling – but she smiled devilishly all the same and they laughed, no words were necessary._

_Playing along now, Derek ducked down and gently tugged on Meredith's nipples with his lips – suckling, lapping, nipping, feasting on her supple skin, except his feral need only awoke … he couldn't get enough, he had to have more._

_Maintaining his oral hold on her pleasure points now, he swept his hand down, beyond her belly, nestling his fingers deep into the vee of her sex, just above her warm hooded clit. He swirled his thumb across her divine nub, coaxing and teasing her arousal – rub, flick, rub, brush – the water fell and fell, the vacuum of time was created and he became lost for a beat until he heard Meredith cry out into the air._

_Her body trembled, she bucked her hips; her sex arrested him. She held on tight._

_Deciding he needed to taste her sweet juice, he knelt down, moving his lips along her full breasts, stopping to flick her nipples again – engorged, tasty, swollen and tender – moving lower, he knees found the warm porcelain of the tub while Meredith's hand found the soap ledge and her opposite foot found the tub edge. Derek peeked up and smiled, finding his lover's eyes just above her belly._

"Derek … I'm hot," she husked, moving his fingers down a fraction of an inch to her smoldering clit again.

"You are," he replied thickly, breaching her folds, he slipped his thumb into her warm, slick depths. Her hips bucked, he added his other and pumped her muscles, feeling her flesh and nerves swallow him whole.

_Already lost within his lover, he promptly spread her folds back with his thumbs – her wet, swollen and fragrant flesh stared back at him – he nudged her clit with his nose, breathing her in for a beat before he began to flick the pink juicy flesh of her fruit with his tongue, intermittently closing his whole mouth over her opening to siphon her precious sap – her womanhood, her essence – his elixir._

"_Derek, Derek,"_ he heard her breathless calls of encouragement, he felt her hands on his skull – _pushing him down, down, down_ _… she wanted more_ – and there was nothing he wouldn't do for her … nothing.

_Bending down for better access, he craned his neck back and slipped his fingers into her hot depths one last time before he ducked down and seized her perfect pink nub with his lips, sucking her flesh, his teeth grazing her nerves there – tasting her on his tongue, drinking her down, he was lost, completely lost – his survival instincts kicked into high gear now … and the feeding frenzy began._

"Oh … my," she heaved, grounding herself, grasping onto his shoulders, all she could smell was her sex.

_All she could hear was her desperate pleas as they filled the steamy air and on those pleas she let her whole body go – gladly surrendering to her own survival instincts – this innate need she had for Derek's mouth on her pussy._

_Spreading her folds back once again, Derek peeled her ripe fruit … gently … tenderly … lovingly – just like the ripe mango she loved so much – skillfully bringing her to a heated climax as he tugged on her pussy and drank the sweet fruits of his labors over and over and over again._

_He was indulgent._

_She was insatiable._

_Her stomach muscles contracted, her vaginal walls went nuts as she fucked his tongue and mouth and fingers until she was wasted, riding out orgasm after orgasm while he held and cradled her – back and forth she swayed – lost and found on a cloud of euphoric survival … just as she was meant to._

_And so as she came to her senses, Meredith found her lover on that same cloud – aligned, together in mind, body and spirit – yes … there he was, her lover, the man who awoke from the hammock under the Balinese sun. And there inside that moment, she found his deep, soulful eyes and kissed him senseless as he stood – rocking her and their miracle baby – all the while preaching his undying love to her as she did in turn … and it was a beautiful and cathartic thing._

###

Meredith peeked into the living room to find Alex engrossed in conversation with Cristina – _their tone muted, soft _– an anomaly considering the longstanding mountain of aggression they had so tenaciously built their relationship upon. She smiled; her survival book in her hands, Derek at her heels – _her box of treasures in his arms_ – his heat from their shower still radiating from him. The pair looked up; Derek set the box down on the coffee table and smiled.

"Seriously, were you just having sex?" Cristina gawked, taking in the sight of the couple. "In _my_ bed?" she teased, her eyes moving back and forth between the pair … _they looked like they had sex._

"No … well, nothing happened in _your_ bed," Meredith dished; she felt Derek's hand on her lower back. Alex snickered.

"I'll get some scissors for that box," Derek announced, seizing the opportunity to make a quick exit.

Meredith sat down with her friends. She smiled and handed the book to Alex. "I thought you might want to give this to Cristina since it worked so well for me," she said softly, meeting Alex's serious eyes.

"Good idea," he smiled.

The door leading to the kitchen swung open, Derek held it back and Izzie passed through carrying a large tray topped with a teapot, stacks of cups, muffins, fruit, cheese and crackers. She smiled and set the tray down on the table.

"Hey Meredith," she greeted, smiling widely at her friend, happy to see everyone – _well everyone minus George _– under better circumstances than the prior evening.

"Hey Izz," Meredith replied as Derek handed the scissors to her and sat down beside her.

"What's in the box?" Cristina asked.

"Meredith's Balinese treasures," Derek mused, watching the island warmth seep back into his lover's eyes with each passing clip of the scissors.

_Opening the top of the box – a whiff of the island hit Meredith, the island spices, fractional keepsakes, images, Wayan, Ketut, Owen, the open-air market in Ubud, mud, earth, soil, mango, vanilla – it all came back to her as she rooted through with her hand to find her gifts for her friends. She smiled widely when she felt the brown paper bag she was searching for – the Buddha carvings – she set it down on the table and peeked inside in search of one last thing she had collected for Izzie, spying the small velvet bag, she pulled it out and set it on her lap._

"The timing's perfect," Meredith mused happily, switching gears, she was already imagining Cristina amongst the carnage of the Somali Refugee Camp. Opening the bag, she handed one of individually wrapped packages to her friends. She held onto George's.

_Alex looked at the small bundle of paper in his hands – it wasn't everyday he received a true gift – something like this from far away, something that meant something to Meredith Grey. He smiled widely as he unraveled the paper and was left with the carved Buddha. His eyes met Meredith's as he looked over the intricately carved statue – his round belly, happy eyes and wide smile – he set the replica on his palm and looked up, spotting Izzie, watching her enamored face – pink cheeks, happy eyes –as she inspected her statue, she looked up and caught Alex watching her. He winked. She blushed._

"He's small enough, I'll take him with me," Cristina sighed, realizing now that the timing really was _perfect_, just like Meredith said.

"Thanks Meredith," Alex murmured, pushing his knee against hers.

"You're welcome," Meredith smiled, peeking at Derek. "There's one for George too," she added wistfully.

"Let's put George's on the mantle for now," Izzie suggested. Derek handed the package to her; she stood and made her way, placing the Balinese treasure – _George's Buddha_ – on the center of the mantle above the fireplace. "Perfect," she said with a satisfied smile and rejoined the group.

"So, what's with the book?" Cristina asked. Alex smiled and handed it to her. She read the title,_ '__The Official U. S. Army __Survival Handbook'._ "Just what every girl needs," she added with a wry grin.

"That's what I said," Meredith giggled.

"She really did," Alex chuckled, turning to Cristina. "Look … I'll just tell you what I told Meredith … you don't know what you're getting yourself into," he cautioned, pressing his lips together. "And I know you'll have this Owen guy there … now we _know_ he's one of us," he said, knowing how important the man had been to Meredith. "But you …,"

"I like to take care of myself," offered Cristina with a smile.

"Yeah and you'll survive this and then you'll come back … and you … you'll be better for it Yang, you will," he said with resolve, again his newfound hopeful optimism making yet another appearance.

"Um … well, thanks … for saying that," Cristina sighed, she turned and looked him square in the eye. "So, this is odd – _us getting along_ – I guess when I come back, we'll be roommates," she shrugged, secretly cringing on the inside again. "Meredith, I think I should move my things out of Burke's while he's gone –"

"We can help you too, we're off for two weeks … Meredith's got to work," Izzie offered. She noticed Alex raise an eye at the suggestion, but she admonished him without words.

"Yeah, we can help," Alex mumbled in response. Derek chuckled.

"Oh, no you won't!" Cristina said with an air of her acclaimed sarcasm, everyone's heads snapped to her, eyes wide open.

"We won't?" Alex retorted, _why did she have to be like this_, he wondered (although he was secretly happy things were quickly returning to _'normal'_, for them anyway).

"No, because you won't be here," she declared, shaking her head. Reaching behind her, she swiped a fat envelope from the table there and handed it to Izzie.

"We won't?" asked Izzie, her brow knitted, she looked down at the envelope.

"Well why would you be if you could go on my honeymoon?" she asked, her brow arched.

"Cristina? Seriously?" Izzie exclaimed, looking up. "What about Meredith?" she asked, logically thinking it would only make sense for her to offer this trip to her _'person'_.

"What about her – _she just got back from paradise, one that I'm afraid this one can't compete with anyway_ – so it's your turn, kid," she joked, thinking now about her own plans for departure and how different they were from the plans she made with Burke.

"Wow …," Alex replied. "And no strings attached – _you're not gonna hold this over our heads_ – there's nothing in it for you … you know this is selfless, right?" he quipped, but his dancing eyes deceived him.

"You leave tomorrow morning," Cristina stated evenly with a smile.

"And _you_ leave the day after tomorrow," Derek interjected, thinking now that things were really starting to come together and in such a different way than he would have expected.

"I know," she replied with a tight smile. "And everything's coming tomorrow and you talked to the Chief?" she asked, her heart on fire with worry and trepidation now … she hated being in the dark. _Period._

"I even got it in writing, you can pick up where you left off – _no strings attached_ – go and do and get experience … take the sabbatical," he replied, feeling satisfied that his clout finally paid off for something worth it.

"I have a shift tomorrow, so you'll stop in and we can do your physical and get you immunized," Meredith planned.

"And then we can hustle and start moving your things tomorrow night," Derek said, also making plans now. "Even tonight, if Karev's willing to help," he chuckled, looking at the younger surgeon now.

_And just like that – they had all moved on – quite literally and figuratively … some spiritually and some even physically … but the point was, that they were moving and living and breathing and … surrendering to life._

_Yes, finally each player was living on their own terms – with the help of one another – in the name of love and friendship and survival._

_In the end, they were inspired … and it too, was a beautiful and cathartic thing._

**Chapter 19 – Love Will Keep Us Alive – Part 4 of 4 to follow.**


	51. Chapter 19, Love Will Keep Us Alive, P4

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al. **

**Author's Note: Thank you to those of you willing to take the time to leave a note for me, it means a lot to me to read your POV after being submersed in mine. Please continue to let me know what you think! I don't say this often because I tend to write and write and write ... but enjoy this chapter, it's both short and sweet.  
**

**Chapter 19 – Love Will Keep Us Alive – Part 4 of 4**

Derek rolled over, waking up to a layer of cold he hadn't expected. He opened his eyes – _barely a crack to focus on the fiery glow of the numbers of the digital clock_ – it was 5:54 AM, dawn would break soon, he paused, resting his on his two most precious material possessions for a beat … his beloved copy of _'The Sun Also Rises'_ and Meredith's love letter _– her heart letter_ – nestled deep within the binding where it would reside for all time. _Derek smiled …the letter had lived to see its full circle moment._ He sighed and pushed himself up against the headboard, his eyes darting around the dim shadowy light of the trailer in search of his lover.

"_Now I've found you, there's no more emptiness inside."_

And there he found her _– swathed in indigo cashmere_ – her hair wild, already darker, her eyes transfixed on the looming horizon, a white cup of steaming hot jasmine tea sat on the small table in front of her – _tufts of her fragrant Balinese favorite twirled into the air_ – all of which accentuated her inner peace. He watched as she closed her shining eyes for a beat in time – _taking a deep breath _– she reached beyond the folds of the blankets to brace herself on the back of the chair in front of her. Derek smiled; his imagination running wild with thoughts of where her spirit might be – _perhaps the Zen cottage_ – the enclave of the blankets fell open and her full breasts tumbled free. Eyes still closed, she snaked her other hand down and caressed the naked flesh of her growing belly; the silhouette of her radiant, flushed skin, beautifully illuminated and contrasted against the darker of the cashmere.

"_I was standing all alone against the world outside."_

Meredith presently stood just inside the anterior doorway of the _Zen cottage_ – _spiritually, she was there and could get there easily – _to meditate, to bask in the island's warm humidity, to press the sweet fragrant air into her lungs … to cherish her time there … to remember and connect with the peace she and Derek found there. For the last couple of days had been hard … more than hard – _especially since bidding farewell to Cristina a day and a half ago_ – her friend was gone and much like she had been, off on her own expedition … off to find herself – _to surrender in her own way_ – to reclaim her life as he own.

"_You were searching for a place to hide."_

And so it was there inside the precious enclave of the _Zen cottage_ that Meredith smiled broadly and listened to her heart _– yes,_ _she found her natural, congruent beat and listened intently, the soothing trickle of the fountain, the only other sound she could hear _– knowing that only the truth would speak to her there and it did … because the truth was – _Cristina was in good hands now_ – she was right where she was meant to be, even if that put her amongst a sea of hopeless, wounded, broken-hearted Somali refugees – _yes, Meredith had faith_ – her dear friend was right where she was meant to be.

_For the simple truth was that her union with Burke was destined to be broken – their karmic fate sealed long ago – ages ago, from secret apartments to secret tremors; it was all there in black and white … no, no, a union couldn't be solidified if there was no union to begin with. Right?_

Closing her eyes more tightly now – _Meredith stepped inside the anterior courtyard and moved toward the trickle of the fountain _– again, heard but not seen and there inside her own moment – _unfettered peace encapsulated her and the troubles of the last few days fell away_ – she rubbed her belly, connecting with their miracle baby under the weathered canopy of the cottage … yes, everything was as it should be … even with the dismantling of Cristina's relationship with Burke – _they were all aligned, spiritual peace on the horizon_ – especially now that everything was quiet and the angst as of late passed out to sea like a dwindling storm.

"_Now you've given me the will to survive."_

Meredith heard the rustle of the sheets somewhere within the island breeze – _Derek was awake_ – she opened her eyes, the _Zen cottage_ fell away … the sky already a shade lighter, warmth radiating now – _her lover was awake, he was all she needed _– she turned to find him, already sitting up against his pillows – _a lazy smile playing along his face, his hair wild, his boyish charm alive and well _– the dull shadows no match for his natural peace.

"The sun's about to rise," Meredith whispered. "Good morning," she sighed, the aura of the _Zen cottage _still a cloak for her.

"Bring your tea," Derek said softly, he smiled. "Come back to bed," he whined, his voice still sleepy.

_Meredith giggled, picked her teacup up and swiftly moved across the small space, her blankets trailing behind her. Dropping them at her feet, she handed the cup to Derek and slipped into bed, burrowing deeper into his heat as she did. Derek handed the cup to her; she smiled and took a sip of the sweet Balinese artifact before she offered the cup to Derek who also took a sip._

_The couple sat in relative silence for several minutes, watching now as the trailer became a shade lighter, passing the teacup back and forth, waking up together… welcoming the dawn of a new day. Derek set the teacup down next to his book and rolled into Meredith, his hand instinctually moving down to the rounded flesh of her belly … rub, rub, rub … where Meredith's head found his shoulder as she too peered down, silently connecting, enchanted by the strokes of Derek's fingertips as he moved them along their miracle._

Derek leaned down and pressed a kiss on Meredith's head, she peeked up and smiled. "The sun is setting on Cristina's first day in Yemen _– and all I can think _– is that she's where she's meant to be," Meredith sighed, leaning up, she kissed the underside of Derek's neck, breathing him in, lacing her legs with his.

"She's with Owen," Derek stated evenly with a smile all his own.

"They're together," Meredith smiled, a giggle escaping her lips. "The _'dark and twisties'_," she breathed, her fingertips dancing along his broad naked chest.

"This could be a disaster," Derek chuckled.

"Maybe …," Meredith smiled. "Maybe not … we'll see," she said, a small slice of hope shining through akin to the first light of the new day.

"We will … come closer," Derek sighed, drawing Meredith near, bringing her knee up and over his hipbone.

_Meredith reflexively melted into her lover's heat, her hands moving up to flank his skull where their eyes met for a split-second – where recognition of wants and needs and desires were spoken now without words – before she closed her mouth over his, moaning in appreciation as he kissed her senseless, welcoming the new day just as she wished to with him … with zeal and passion._

"I need you," Meredith husked; her body on fire, all it took was one look … just one.

"Hmm, me too … need …," Derek said into their heat, one look and he was a goner … completely lost.

_Facing each other, their hands went as wild as their mouths for one another – caressing, brushing, loving, massaging – and always engaging in the play of skin on skin contact. Derek's nimble fingers tenderly moving across her nipples, drawing her out, triggering her sex to pool within – tug, tug, tug – her clit pulsed, reacting as expected to his lithe touch, his cock already banging against her groin … her nipples hardening on his command as he skillfully moved his mouth down to taste her nubs._

"_I would die for you."_

_She found her belly brushing against Derek's abdomen and she smiled; her hands clasped around his neck in an effort to ground herself – her own neck craning back and up – blinking she fought to keep her eyes trained on the lighter tone of the sky above them, the skylight … now a perfectly framed portal to the new day._

_Reaching between them with one hand, she found the velvety soft skin of his cock – God she loved his cock – was all she could think as she fisted his durable muscle, instantly turned on by the evidence of his arousal … her vaginal muscles clenched, her channel became slick and ready, her sex permeated the hot air between them … she was hungry for him, pure and simple, it was the stuff of survival. _

"I want you – _inside me_ – I need you …," Meredith breathed, her mind floating away, her body writhing, aching for him to fill her up.

"Hmm, let's fill you up," Derek said thickly, his mouth on hers now, their tongues dancing and lapping for a beat before he attacked her fleshy breasts again _– closing his mouth and hands over her sweet round nipples _– nipping and biting and plucking on her flesh, suckling like that of a starving baby.

_Arrested by the essence of his lover's sex and sultry voice, Derek felt his cock tighten inside his shaft, moving like a pulley now on his sack, igniting his core – that innate spark that belonged solely to Meredith Grey – the spark he loved, the spark that made him tick … that made him … him. He was hopeless and she knew it, she had him exactly where she wanted him and there was no place he'd rather be … ever._

"_Climb the highest mountain."_

_Pulling his lips from the bead of her rosy nipple, he planted them on her hungry lips, breathing her in as he passed his hand down, down, down, stopping briefly to acknowledge her belly – rub, rub – and then lower, feeling Meredith spread her hips to provide him the access he was looking for, coaxing her slick pussy to open … for him, only … for him._

_He met her gaze, her eyes heavy with passion and want – she rested her free foot on his hip bone, her pussy wet with her desire now – her sex filled the air and Derek wasted no time before he dipped his middle finger into the molten depths of her being … her muscles clamped down, she was his … he was hers._

"Now … Derek," Meredith breathed, her lips planted on his shoulder. She closed her eyes, his fingers expertly massaged her clit, around and around and around … her hips bucked, her muscles clenched.

_She needed him._

"Meredith … hmm, now …," Derek muttered, lost inside his bliss – _he slipped his thumb back into her depths _– she grabbed it, her muscles pulsing, massaging, he pulled it free, sweeping his wet pad back and forth over her nerves, her hips bucked again.

_He needed her._

No time like the present, Meredith reached down and bucked her hips forward, opening her free thigh wider, she massaged her clit with the fat tip of Derek's cock for a beat – _her muscles clenched, her hungry eyes met his again_ – she led him home, guiding his ready rod into her ready and waiting pussy …_ slow, slow, slow, _inch by beautiful inch … lost within his sinful, lustful gaze.

_The world stopped spinning and everything went quiet save for their beating hearts and the reverberation of the raspy staccato of their breathing._

_Nothing remained but the tufts of their hot, pungent air – their sex, them, them, them – the cold outside, no match for the fire of survival found within._

_Eye to eye, nose to nose, chest to breast, legs and arms wrapped around one another, heads resting on a single shared pillow … they basked in their love and connection, Derek's hand found her belly. Meredith's muscles pulsed. His cock twitched._

"_When we're hungry, love will keep us alive."_

"I love you," Meredith whispered inside that still, hot moment, her mouth found his, she swept her tongue along his, massaging his nerves for a beat … she inched even closer – _their muscles locked, interlinked, her pussy pulsed with need _– her chest tight with intense love – _and her eyes,_ _though still focused, became glassy now_ – as the intensity of his gaze stole her breath away again.

_Derek reached up and moved his fingers along Meredith's hairline – she became blurred around the edges – he gently pressed his lips to hers, his tongue darting out, pulsing against her nerves, his kisses became hungry … his heart gave out._

"There's nothing … _nothing_ I wouldn't do for you," Derek choked out, unearthed emotion coursed through his body – _his nerve-endings on high alert, his cock twitched again, jumping with need, her hips bucked up, she swallowed him whole_ – they began to move within and around each other.

_Their hips and toned muscles fit together like pieces of a puzzle, the sum of the parts, completely compatible in mind, body and spirit – slip, slip, slip, deeper and deeper together – her free leg wrapped low around Derek's back, her full belly brushing against his … baby, baby, baby. His gasp filled the air as did hers – they began to work their machine harder and harder and harder... suffused together, the unique power of 'them' harmonizing now … all in the name of survival._

Meredith rolled into Derek, he found her mouth instinctively, his eyes closed in bliss now, kissing her with raw need – 'I love you, I love you' – he chanted, his hand sweeping down to her clit, his fingers massaged her nub, his cock lengthening, his sack tightening … her muscles holding him in place – right where she wanted him – right where he was destined to be for now and forever!

_Untamed heat pooled deep in Meredith's core, her sweet juice flooding their machine – the heel of her free foot pressed against his ass cheeks, she felt him clench them down, his cock twitched; her muscles milked him dry – clench, own, mine, mine, mine, clench, swallow, pulse, pulse, pulse, milk, milk, milk – she took all he had and so much more!_

_Bountiful, blissful and beautiful orgasms came fast and furiously for the couple – their innate intensity for one another having won yet another battle of the wills of the world around them – the stress of ordinary life, again no match for the power of 'them' and their own resolve and need and spirit to survive for and with one another._

###

Derek stirred first, reaching down, he pulled the comforter up and over Meredith shoulder and hunkered down – _their skin still pricked with heat, their hearts smoldered_ – but the air was cool, crisp and the morning wind barreled over the clearing, seeping into the trailer. He rubbed his cold nose into the warmth of Meredith's fragrant skin just below her earlobe and rested his head on her shoulder for a beat.

He took a deep breath – _his elixir, their powerful sex funneled its way up, up, up_ – filling his lungs until peace cloaked them, he burrowed deeper and kissed the long line of her neck before he took stock of her side profile in the morning light cascading down around them from the skylight portal – _her beautiful green eyes closed, her facial muscles relaxed, but happy_ – he smiled and traced his fingertips along her collarbone, traveling _down, down, down,_ stopping to roll one of her pert nipples between his thumb and pointer finger, all the while watching a small smile play along his lover's beautiful face. She blushed; Derek closed his eyes and moved his hand down to her belly – _'good morning baby'_ – he left it there, connecting.

_Meredith moved her hand, lacing her fingers through Derek's, she raised her thigh and draped it over his hip, leaning closer, she peeked at his side profile for a beat – making note of his sated and happy state of relaxation – his cheeks still flushed with passion, their sweet sex hanging in the air between them. She took a deep breath and lived inside the moment – the moment just after their lovemaking – the one she most often lived for, this time when everything was private and safe and aligned. Her chest tightened and she heaved a sigh as unforeseen tears pricked her eyes as she thought about her raw need for Derek and how she would never, ever be able to live without him._

"Meredith?" Derek asked, his free hand moved down, he caressed the smooth flesh of her derrière.

"She couldn't write her vows," Meredith offered into his heat. "Cristina," she clarified before pressing her lips to his shoulder.

"That's bothersome," Derek replied, finding Meredith's glassy eyes, shimmering now in the dim morning light.

"It is," she agreed, her hands flew to his skull. She smiled; her heart trembled. "I just …," she sighed. "I just want you to know … I don't have to write mine," she breathed with a smile, having finally found the quiet moment to tell her lover what had been on her mind for days now.

"You don't?" Derek asked, a small smile played along his face – _she had grown so, so much_ – was all he could think.

"No …," she sighed firmly, kissing her lover's lips, falling head over heels in love with the twinkle of surprise she found in his eyes. "I live them … _with you_, every day," she sighed, watching his face light up. She smiled broadly. "When I say _'I love you'_, it's all encompassing … there is no single reason – _I don't need to recite or to count the ways or reasons why I love you_ – I just do …," she confessed with a deep sigh.

_Derek reached up moved his hands over hers, bringing her lips down to his where he kissed his woman, softly, tenderly … languidly … lapping at her mouth, kissing her on her words … her vows._

"Hmm, only the sum, the total package," he smiled, paying close attention to the happy sparkle in her eyes. "I live mine too … with you …_ every day_ … I really do," he professed, knowing he _always _would.

"So … I love you, _all_ of you," Meredith giggled. "I can't survive without you," she sighed, knowing now that was the truth, for she had already tried that once … and look what happened … her fate … her destiny … stepped in. Her hand fell to the baby where she left it.

"And I love you, _all of you_," Derek chuckled. "And by all of you …," he laughed, ducking his head under the linens. "I mean you too," he muttered before pressing a chaste kiss to Meredith's fuller belly.

_He heard Meredith's giggle fill the space above him – peeking up, he smiled broadly – knowing that they had exactly what they needed to survive …also knowing that if they found it, anyone could. For – true love – that love that transcended above all else to make itself known … had its own basic instincts for survival because in the end, love would conquer all._

_And to that end, Derek knew they were poised for greatness – because that was all anyone ever needed – the love of a good partner, a well suited partner who understood what it took to make their partner tick – and in each other they found it – support, love, respect, admiration … the sum of the parts._

**Chapter 20 to follow.**


	52. Chapter 20, Close Your Eyes, Part 1 of 2

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al. **

**Author's Note: ****So ... here we are, the last chapter of this story, can you believe it? So, as you read, think full circles and imagine their brilliant future, because you'll be privy to it all. I sincerely hope you enjoy it and how things continue to come together for Meredith and Derek and the people around them.**

**And the song, the song ... James Taylor and Carly Simon, man ... when they were aligned, they were really something special and I kind of like to think Meredith and Derek deserve it, don't you ... the something special.**

**It's funny, I was just thinking the other night how I guess I could have written a chapter for every week of Meredith's pregnancy, but then I remembered how I came up with the idea for the sequel in the first place, lol.**

**So yeah … there is a sequel to this story, which will follow the very long, six-part epilogue (all told about 150 pages, a ficlet unto itself) … so, don't be sad, there is a lot more to be told … ENJOY!**

**Chapter 20 – Close Your Eyes**

Lyrics for James Taylor's' "Close Your Eyes":

Well the sun is surely sinking down,  
but the moon is slowly rising.  
So this old world must still be spinning around,  
and I still love you.

_Chorus  
So close your eyes;  
you can close your eyes, it's all right.  
I don't know no love songs,  
and I can't sing the blues any more.  
But I can sing this song,  
and you can sing this song  
when I'm gone. _

It won't be long before another day.  
We're gonna have a good time.  
And no one's gonna take that time away.  
You can stay as long as you like.

###

**Chapter 20 – Close Your Eyes – Part 1 of 2**

The good feelings amongst the friends continued without incident – _with the toxic energy between Cristina and Burke uncoupled_ – balance was naturally and seamlessly restored, and almost overnight. Alex and Izzie returned from their impromptu trip – _suntanned and completely joined at the hip_ – so happy and sated that even the tension between Alex and George had all but passed out to sea. The roommates (less Cristina) – _the makeshift family, the pack, the unit_ – had not only weathered the storm, but survived it too … on all accounts – _they were survivors _– every last one of them.

Which left them where they presently were, back to business as usual – _captivated with bated breath, gossiping at lunch _– listening intensely now as Meredith explained the terms of Burke's immediate departure from Seattle Grace, having told Derek the previous evening (and somewhat in confidence) that he was surprised by Cristina's abrupt departure … but overall he felt the Chief's decision to stay on board indefinitely left him no other choice but to leave and seek _'something better … somewhere else'_.

_In the end, Burke left a letter for Cristina in Derek's care – which raised some eyebrows at the table of friends – along with Alex muttering something about 'bleeding heart letters', shaking his head, all the while playfully winking at Meredith as he stuffed another bite of his sandwich into his mouth._

"So, do you guys want to come for dinner one night this week?" Izzie asked Meredith, expertly changing the subject – _she locked eyes with her friend and smiled _– enough was enough in her opinion … let Cristina come back from Yemen and then they would really have to diffuse the bomb, until then, she wanted to enjoy the calm and peace as she fought to reside in the aftershocks of euphoric bliss … remnants from her trip with Alex.

"We can't … we're moving into the cabin the day after tomorrow," Meredith replied with a smile, the men looked up from their lunches, Alex raised his brow. "But you'll all come over next week … check it out, it's really something," she smiled.

"Do you love it, can you believe it? You're moving in together, like for real," Izzie gushed; her eyes sparkling as she did – _her friend was happy, truly happy and so was she _– her smile grew wider now, could it be that they all really had turned a corner, just like that?

"I do … the cabin … Derek, he really did an amazing job with everything," Meredith breathed as an even calm covered her like a cloak. "He'll be off the day we move, just final stuff now, the decorator, she really handled it all, everything we need, we have… our bedroom furniture comes today, the place is perfect," she smiled, thinking now about the simple furnishings they chose – _rustic ebony wood with pine accents, warm neutral tones, ecru, tan, rust, gold, all natural and organic fibers, the result both pleasing to the touch and to the eye_ _– _they were blessed and so was their home.

"So you're all set," Izzie said … they were all growing up and taking responsibility, hard to believe and yet – _it was all perfectly natural _– like the stars were finally aligned.

"The timing's perfect … I'm still feeling really good, not too pregnant, in some ways it feels like a new beginning," she mused happily, her cheeks heated ever so slightly.

_Alex took in the conversation between the two women, slowly eating his lunch, paying special attention to the happiness etched along their faces. Meredith was pregnant, the reality set in more and more each week as he watched her outlook change – she'd grown up … she was already a mother in too many ways to count – and Izzie … she was happy, they were all happy, perhaps happier than they had been in months and while only time would tell what would happen once the dust settled, for now … it was enough – Shepherd had done right by Meredith – and in truth it felt like years had passed since he stood outside the hospital with that letter in his hands and let the perfectly coiffed neurosurgeon have it._

_He pressed his lips together and stole a glance at Izzie for a beat – her flushed cheeks and happy eyes, bright and shining – and then he smiled broadly inside the private moment because much like Meredith predicted … Izzie found her way back to him – she trusted him and she might even love him – his heart quaked, because he really did … love her. He smiled and made a sidelong glance at O'Malley, even __he__ was happy … totally into the game now; he was happier and more confident than Alex had ever seen him before. It was amazing what the passage of time could do … and in only two short months._

"So … sixteen weeks … right?" Izzie asked with a smile.

"Yeah … sixteen weeks, tomorrow … another milestone," Meredith breathed, her eyes shining now.

Meredith looked at each of her friends then, taking in their familiarity and loyalty – _her mind also on Ketut and Owen _– she wouldn't be here without them, without their influence, she knew that much and as time and her pregnancy moved forward, she couldn't help but to think about those early weeks when she felt like she had no one to ground her … _except for them_.

She often thought about Derek and Darwin and typically her heart shook with joy at the memory of telling him – _of showing him_ – just what the power of _'them' _looked like. For that night was one to remember for now and for all time … it marked an innate change in Derek and the way he looked at her and felt about her –_ it sealed their fate _– and Meredith would forever remember how beautiful he looked as she watched his dreams became his reality. She smiled and caught Alex's eyes; he smiled tightly.

"I know you're gonna do the whole _'granola-lover-tree-hugger'_ natural childbirth thing," Alex interjected … his more stern eyes met Meredith's this time. Izzie nudged his side in gentle protest; he promptly ignored her. George cleared his throat loudly. "What? Can't a guy ask a question?" he chided with a smirk.

"As long as you're a nice guy … then yes," Izzie answered.

"I _am_ nice … a lot nicer than I used to be," he muttered in response before he met Meredith's eyes once more. "So … have you found a midwife? A good one? You know, you can't just get anyone," he said seriously, because he knew, _after the months he spent on Addison's service_, he knew exactly what it took to birth a baby.

_He also knew what Meredith and Derek wanted – they all did and no one wanted to discourage their plans – except the difference was, Alex wasn't gonna hesitate to bring it up, because it all sounded good on paper … it all sounded good and holistic and wonderful … until the contractions started. Then all the sound and rational judgment … all the plans could be carried off in the wind._

"Alex … yes … our midwife, Jyothi, comes very highly recommended, she's one of the most progressive midwives in the region, her mother is also a midwife and her mother before her … she was one of the greats," Meredith answered, tolerant of his concerns – _and completely_ _used to his guileless delivery by now_ – she smiled tightly.

"_Your_ mother was one of the greats," George offered with a smile, doing his best to diffuse the tension.

"She was," Meredith smiled, thankful for the momentary reprieve from Alex's inquisition.

"You're at least going get an ultrasound aren't you?" Izzie asked, trying her best to keep herself level – _the idea of giving birth still raw and uncensored to her, for she was just a child herself … she knew nothing, it was complicated for her and still was_ – despite the passage of a decade's worth of time.

"Whoa, whoa leave the pregnant lady alone," George protested gently, flicking his eyes up to Meredith's before he began to open his chocolate cupcake.

"Yes and yes … c'mon guys … look – _Jyothi understands what we want, we trust her … she has privileges here and we have an ultrasound later today_ – so we're all set," Meredith breathed, pushing her salad around for a beat.

"So … you can have the baby here? That's great," Izzie surmised; her relief evident, making brief eye contact with Alex. She smiled widely.

"Oh no – _we're having the baby at home_ – not here, I couldn't …," Meredith sighed.

_Looking up she found three pairs of wide, bulging eyes – and she was fully ready for the onslaught of resistance she thought she would face – they were medical doctors and surgeons to boot … the idea of holistic medicine and natural childbirth was not how these people were trained to think! They lived by the laws of modern medical interventions. And so did she and Derek … until now, or until it came to this._

"Um … seriously?" Izzie asked, her voice approaching a near screech. "Alex … say something! C'mon George!" she admonished in a harsh whisper, but the players became quiet.

"What?" Meredith asked with a smirk. "Just go with it," she giggled, her hand resting on her belly now … _'there, there'._

"Seriously?" Alex asked.

"Really … seriously?" George asked.

"Say more than _that, _c'mon guys!" Izzie snorted, her hands flying up in protest.

"You live in the middle of nowhere," George offered matter-of-factly and that was all he was gonna say on the subject … after all it was their baby ... it was their life and Meredith didn't have two uteruses or anything, so no harm no foul in his book.

"He raises _the_ point, what if something happens?" Alex asked pointedly.

"Look Meredith," Izzie sighed. "I would normally just smile and nod my head –"

"You _so_ would not!" Alex cackled, his playful eyes sparkling now.

"Alex!" she laughed. "I would – _well, I would __try__ to be that supportive friend_ – the one who just goes with the flow, but Meredith … are you sure about this?" she asked seriously. "Think about it – _you need to take a ferryboat to even get to the hospital_ – a ferryboat, wait on the dock, at the mercy of the schedule, what if something happens! Anything could happen," she breathed; her heart racing.

"Ferryboats are completely reliable … they're dependable and typically on time too," Meredith defended, her brow arched.

_Little did they know – the home she was talking about was __theirs__ – her mother's house. She smiled sweetly, taking a slice of mango from the small container in front of her, she let the elixir soothe her throat ... mango, mango, mango, Bali, Bali, Bali, Ketut, Wayan … Wayan, his dark eyes flashed in and out of her mind, she let them go._

"Meredith, I can't believe Derek is all right with this," Izzie muttered in disbelief.

_She smiled, for in truth … he wasn't, well, he was __now__, now that they had come to a compromise – natural childbirth within a safe distance of the hospital – it was true, originally she had wanted to birth the baby at home, on their land … but in the end – as confident as she was in her readiness and the process of natural childbirth and even though she would be doing the 'work' – she also wanted Derek to be in the moment with her and free from worry. Really, all she wanted to see was his confident blue eyes staring back at her that day, because as well-read as she was, one thing was for certain … she would need him. And so they compromised and her mother's house was the tie-breaker._

"Women have babies naturally all the time – _hell, we just got back from a third world country_ _for crying out loud_ – it's perfectly natural, we'll be fine … we will," Meredith breathed – _her eyes wide and happy and accepting _– her energy vibrant, her belief in her words, evident … her heart raced.

"You're healthy," George stated evenly. "You can do this," he nodded with encouragement; _he at least could be that friend_ … the supportive one who nodded. He smiled weakly.

"I am … I can do this," Meredith agreed with a smile.

###

Derek scrubbed out of his surgery and glanced at the overhead clock – _he had about ten minutes to spare_ – never before had a routine craniotomy been so perfectly timed. He stepped out of the scrub room and into the brighter hallway; his heart and mind teaming with excitement over the prospect of seeing their baby in full form … now twice the age in-utero than the first time he set his eyes on their miracle.

_Fractional images of that night flooded his mind akin to their cherished tsunami – the night that changed everything, the one he would never forget, the one that made him move and change and grow – the one that tied him to Meredith Grey for all time._

Derek pressed his lips together and headed toward the elevator – _he was going to be a father_ – well … he already was and always would be._ Wayan's peaceful aura hovered over him for a beat in time, their boy … was safe and happy now. _Having just spoken to Ketut two days ago, Derek was assured they were fine, the clinic had been busy as predicted and Wayan was more than fine, he relaxed and happy _– his nightmares of the tsunami were dwindling, the mudslide also an event he had moved on from _– Derek smiled broadly in response and soaked up Wayan's serene energy, allowing it to maintain it's hold on him for now –_ while his mind wandered, milliseconds in time, shutter, shutter, shutter_ – as cherished memories flooded his thoughts again until all of a sudden he was right back where the journey started on that blessed night just eight weeks ago.

_It was a simple truth; over the last two months, there were a multitude of defining moments – time after time after time – abundant memories that were equally rich and inspiring and enthralling. Yes, it had been the most fruitful time in his life thus far and any number of those momentous events could take him back … make him remember everything he and Meredith had gone through to arrive on the other side … together._

_And in large part his spiritual awakening afforded him the ability step back into those moments, so skilled and practiced was he now that all Derek had to do was close his eyes and with relative ease, he could get right back to any one of those cherished memories – yes, all it took was a second, a flicker, a shutter, a desire – and he was back in Darwin, for example having just been reunited with Meredith … on the verge of realizing just how deeply entrenched their connection would be … forevermore._

God, even thinking about it now, he could feel his emotions spring out of control just like they did that night – _he remembered now, clear as day, as the realization dawned on him_ – all he could think was _'she's pregnant, I love her, I'm in love, so in love'_ … over and over again, silently repeating his mantra as he came to realize – _she was pregnant and the baby shouldn't have survived _– except the miracle of _'them' _was so powerful that itdefied the odds and did just that … _survived._

And without question too … with a strong, vibrant heartbeat and two parents who cherished that new life with every fiber of their collective beings until –_ all of the angst and obstacles were gone with the changing wind_ – and only the opportunity for growth and rebirth ... and _birth_ remained.

_Stepping onto the elevator, Derek's thoughts drifted to their midwife – Jyothi Young – a Tibetan-born generational midwife who came to the States about ten years ago after she met and fell in love with a colleague of Mark's, Bob Young. Young was a pediatric reconstruction surgeon specializing in the repair of cleft palates, the man was a genius according to most and a well-known philanthropist according to all who knew him._

_Jyothi met Bob when he visited her village set along the foothills of the rugged terrain of the Himalayas. The pair took an instant liking to one another and after years of trying to live and survive apart from one another; Bob finally convinced Jyothi's family of his innate desire to make a life with their beloved daughter. And to that point – he constructed a health clinic in the family's remote nomadic area – one which would eventually prove to decrease the infant and birthing mother mortality rates by a staggering degree._

_Derek and Meredith took an instant liking to both Bob and Jyothi and found themselves drawn to their bright human spirit and selflessness. They were healers and it came naturally – and in Jyothi – Meredith found someone she could trust to be vulnerable and open with … a stand-in for Ketut. Likewise, Derek found someone (someone other than Ketut) with whom he could trust to care for Meredith and their unborn child – and in the end she was more than a blessing for the lovers – she was their peace of mind._

Derek rounded the corner and made his way down to Meredith's office as planned. Peeking through the window as he approached he saw she was alone … and then he smiled, for he loved those impromptu stolen moments they found whilst at work, especially now that the drama was averted, with Cristina safely tucked away in Yemen (_and yes he knew just how backward that sounded_), and Burke leaving with haste, they could all breathe a little easier, the toxic air all but passed out to sea.

"Hey," he greeted, smiling broadly from his place just inside the doorway. Meredith looked up; her blond hair perfectly framing her fuller face, her cheeks beautifully flushed.

"Hey," she replied with a wide smile, her green eyes sparkling like facets of emeralds against the dim florescent lighting, Derek smiled, latching onto those facets now, those pools of reflection he fell in love with over and over and over again. _Damn, he loved her. He blinked and she blushed … and that was all it took._

_He pressed his lips together and moved toward his lover, completely captivated by her and all she had become … just as he always was, but now – with their baby on the way – it was true (at least to him anyway) that Meredith's aura was wholly saturated with peace and the simple way she carried their child with intrinsic natural love and adoration was nothing short of miraculous._

_Without moving his eyes from hers, he stepped further into the room while Meredith stood and stepped right into the familiarity of his arms._

_Melting into one another – the lovers lost themselves for a single beat in time – lulled by proximity … her belly brushing against his, her arms low around his back, his lips pressed to her head through her hair, breathing her sweet essence – mango, vanilla, jasmine, hibiscus – he found her aura with ease and further submitted to her soulful energy ... they swayed, back and forth now, hopelessly lost and found yet again._

"Sixteen weeks, Derek," Meredith said, looking up to find Derek's ocean-blue eyes. He was happy … _so happy … so radiant_, it made her smile inside and out.

"Hmm … all I can think about is Darwin," Derek confessed, he watched Meredith's smile grow larger. "That night … changed everything, for me, for us," he sighed, his hands flanking her skull now before he kissed her sweet mango-lips.

"Me too … me too," Meredith said softly against his lips, relaxing into his heat. "Thank God we're together," she smiled, her eyes becoming glassy like a still lake. She dared herself to blink. "All I can think about is – _the last time we saw the baby, there was so much –_ so much that needed to be said and promised and … lived up to," she whispered, reaching up, she lay her hand along the side of Derek's handsome face. He smiled under her touch, stepping closer still.

"And now?" he asked, leaning into her hand, he watched her smile this time. "Is there anything you'd want to change … anything at all?" he persisted as one small unfinished question sat on the tip of his tongue … _a question he wanted to ask Meredith since Cristina departed._

"Derek?" Meredith asked, searching his eyes for more before she smiled. "No … there's nothing I would change – _nothing about the past or the present or the future _– I have and need everything I ever wanted … everything," she reassured, her heart quaking, surely about to give out in the name of love.

"I love you," Derek sighed before he kissed his woman, soft at first, then with more urgency, tasting her sweet tongue as she darted it along his again and again and again before she pulled back and her infectious giggle filled the hot air between them.

"And I love you and … _I really need to pee_," she blurted out. Derek chuckled, taking her hands in his.

"Lets go see our baby then," Derek smiled as they walked toward the door. "Where to?" he asked, lacing his fingers through hers as they walked hand-in-hand down the long, dim hallway.

"Jyothi's here, just setting up in room ten," Meredith answered squeezing his hand.

_Derek mind raced, but his legs stopped just outside the examination room. He tugged on Meredith's hand, holding her back for a beat where she turned to find him – her eyes dancing back and forth along his face – he smiled and cocked his head … unsure if he should ask her, this one small thing, this gnawing question, but he wanted her to be happy, her happiness was everything to him. He stepped closer to her and allowed her warmth to encapsulate him now … was Bali calling? He wanted to know._

"Meredith," he breathed, he felt a smile cover his face as she sucked in a deep breath.

"Derek … tell me … whatever it is," Meredith encouraged … so, something_ was_ on his mind.

"I … before we go in there … I just want to say, what I'm trying to say is …," he sighed and took a deep breath. "Jyothi," he whispered, lacing his fingers through hers. "She's great and I know –_ I know I'm not imagining that _– she is, she's wonderful … but …," he smiled, titling his head slightly.

"She's not Ketut," Meredith sighed in resignation.

"No … no … and well Cristina's gone, not married … and we came back and I know, I know … everything else is here, but if you – "

"Oh … come here," Meredith said softly moving into Derek's arms, she pressed a kiss to the underside of his neck, instantly calmed by his familiarity … it was true all she needed was him.

"Do you want to go back to Bali to have the baby?" he asked softly into the private moment, he watched her eyes become glassy. She stared at him. "Because we can … Meredith … nothing says we can't and I know we talked about this before but the wedding didn't go off and things are stressful _or they were _and if you want to go back to Ketut … we can, I just need you to know that," he whispered with haste, his eyes scanning hers.

"Oh … no … no," Meredith whispered. "Everything is perfect here – _at home_ – stress and all … of course I want Ketut … of course I do … but Derek, Jyothi is wonderful and the clinic needs me … and the cabin, _we're moving in together _… _together forever_, I want the cabin and you … just you," she sighed, thick tears filled her eyes, she released them. His lips found hers. "It's just … you know, it doesn't matter where the baby is born … as long as we're together," she said into his mouth.

"Home really is where the heart is," Derek muttered, pulsing his lips over hers for a long moment, he felt her relax in his arms and only then did he truly relax – _they would stay home_ –Meredith was happy and that was all that really mattered to him.

"It is … and we are Derek … we're home already," she sighed into his heat and as she found his eyes, she knew they really were.

"We are, I know, I just want you to have what you need, what you want and what you see …," he smiled genuinely.

"I know you do … come on, lets go see this little one … then we can go home," she giggled, squeezing his hand.

###

Meredith sighed and closed her eyes, her hands found the more taut skin of her belly –_ 'it's just you and me kid' _– she whispered, connecting for a beat whilst Derek stepped out to let Jyothi know she was ready, having followed her instructions to disrobe to her bra and panties and slip her gown, ties in the front. She moved the excess cotton fabric aside and glanced down to find her body in the fractured light, dim and soothing, perfect for ultrasound viewing.

She sighed and moved her hand down along her belly and back up to her heart where she left it, her black bra and panties contrasted the more pale tone to her skin … the last of her almond-tanned skin almost gone now too. She sighed into the quiet space – _allowing her back to meld into the meager gurney mattress_ – focusing now on the sounds coming from the doorway off to the side, looking for any form of distraction … _Bali, sun, heat, bright blue sky, rice terraces, Zen, Zen, Zen_.

_She smiled now thinking about Derek's offer to go back to Bali and realized that perhaps it really was true … there was nothing he_ _wouldn't do for her, nothing. _

The door slowly swung open – _Jyothi breezed into the room like a breath of fresh air_ – she smiled broadly, Derek followed her inside and closed the door behind him. He peeked over her head and winked at Meredith who giggled and held her hand out for Jyothi.

"Meredith, you look radiant," she cooed grasping onto her outstretched hand. "How are you feeling?" she asked, her words slow and deliberate, the soft timbre of her voice filled the small room.

Meredith smiled and basked in Jyothi's energy for a beat, her black, wild locks cut in a bob to her chin, the dark liquid pools of her eyes were still and calm as expected. Derek was right, Jyothi was wonderful and much like Ketut, the woman exemplified peace – _except the rays of sunlight did not follow her the way they did their Balinese treasure_ – for if only they did, Seattle would see more sun.

"I feel great," Meredith remarked, her eyes catching Derek's. "Everything is perfect," she smiled broadly now.

"Good, good … so let's get started," she stated evenly. "Derek, come stand here," she directed, pointing to the opposite side of the examination table.

_Derek smiled and moved into position, he took Meredith's hand in his, she smiled. Jyothi turned her attention to the ultrasound computer, flicking the monitor on before making some cursory notes in her files. Derek took the moment to plant a warm kiss on Meredith's neck just above her collarbone, darting his tongue out, he swept it along her dewy flesh, her hands flew up to his neck as she breathed him in. Jyothi turned around and smiled at the scene before her._

"So … you two are … playful," she surmised evenly, her eyes dancing against the dim lights. Derek chuckled; making eye contact with the healer for a beat before Meredith's giggle filled the room.

"You have no idea," Meredith beamed thoughtfully, locking her eyes with her new confidant.

"Well, that's how it should be," Jyothi laughed. "So … you know this will be cold," she said softly, holding up a bottle of clear gel before she quickly applied a generous amount on the lower side of Meredith's abdomen and began to move the probe back and forth along her slippery flesh.

_Meredith sneaked a peek at Derek, his eyes scanning the screen before them. She smiled and squeezed his hand, he looked down and met her eyes and she said without words – 'can you believe it … our baby … ours forever' – and he smiled in turn and also said without words – 'our baby, yours and mine, and yes I can … I can' – leaning down, he whispered into her ear._

"I have no words ... only love," his chest tightened with pride and joy and everything in between. He kissed her sweet flesh, the underside of her neck as thunderous sound of the baby's heartbeat filled the space all around them. Meredith gasped and they both turned to the monitor.

_whump, whump, whump_

"Oh wow …," muttered Derek, training his eyes on the monitor for a long moment.

_He heard Meredith ask Jyothi something and although he had no idea what she asked – he knew this much – it was a symphony, pure and simple … his lover's melodic voice harmonizing with the baby now, making it all so real and true; the baby was fine, they were going to be parents. He stared at the screen for a moment longer before he glanced down to Meredith just in time to see a small tear of joy slip free from her eye … she looked away and up to find him staring at her and in that moment, his heart caught on fire, tears pricked his eyes and he too he was stuck – awestruck by the tiny life force before him. The baby's familiar heartbeat raced on and on … meshing into the background ... whump, whump, whump._

"Derek … it's so strong, just as strong," Meredith muttered, finding his azure blue eyes through the haze of her cloudy orbs … her heart skipped a beat and her eyes darted to the screen again … _'this is our child, ours … ours'_, she silently chanted, unable to look away now.

_whump, whump, whump_

"And just as beautiful," he choked out. "Beautiful," he muttered, the air became warm, but not stifling … he took a deep breath and made eye contact with Jyothi as she moved the probe around and took her shots, she smiled when she caught him watching her.

_whump, whump, whump_

"A heart made from love," Jyothi whispered_, _her eyes both kind and calm, her messy black hair falling across her temple for a second before she pushed it behind her ear with her free hand, her eyes flicked up to the screen again and she smiled. "See here," she pointed to screen.

_Her finger resting along the edge of the baby's heart muscle now – a gray mass with flecks of black interlaced throughout – pumping, working, full of life and energy and longevity … and love ... whump, whump, whump._

"The four chambers … beautifully constructed … working in perfect harmony; a miracle … perfection," she stated evenly.

_whump, whump, whump_

"Perfection Derek," Meredith whispered, watching the baby's heart move in time with its echo. Tears stung her eyes again … sixteen weeks, four months. Derek leaned down and ran his fingertips along her hairline, she leaned into his touch, tufts of his hot breath ricocheted back and forth.

"Perfection Meredith," he repeated before he brushed his lips over hers, barely there … _pulse, pulse, whump, whump, whump._

"This baby's heart is at home … alive and well and happy," Jyothi mused, a twinkle residing in her dark eyes now. She moved the probe; the heartbeat became muffled. "The baby is moving away from my pressure," she smiled. "Smart little one," she chuckled.

_Smiling, Jyothi turned the volume down … the heartbeat still audible … faint, barely there, but still so … so important and meaningful and representative of the 'miracle of them'._

"Look! Little hands, fingers… wow, I mean just wow," Meredith murmured, watching now as the baby moved a hand up to shield that perfect side profile.

"So … does the playful couple want to know the gender of this little one?" Jyothi asked.

"Hmm, we know already," Meredith smiled coyly; her cheeks came to life as Jyothi smiled in return.

"Mother's intuition?" Jyothi asked, tilting her head, her dark eyes danced with happiness.

"No … Ketut's," Derek chuckled, pressing his warm hand down on Meredith's shoulder, his fingers moving through her wild locks _ –_ _absentmindedly twirling, twirling now – _he moved to cradle the base of her skull, where he left his hand.

"We still want to be surprised though … but we know, we know," Meredith breathed, watching Jyothi's whole face soften.

_And so as the lovers remained inside the moment, mesmerized by their shadowy miracle still swathed deep inside Meredith ... still protected, still growing and still evolving, just like them._

_And in that moment, they finally relaxed because the baby was happy; the baby was at home … and so were they._

_Jyothi was it, the one who would guide them and see them through, they knew that now … her simple energy of calm and peace filled the room and followed her just as the sun followed Ketut._

_Yes … everything was as it should be, they saw that now as Jyothi moved through her screen shots from head to toe_ – _everything was perfect_ – _the perfect balance of_ _ 'them'_ … _both a miracle and a sign … all they would ever need and so much more._

###

That night, Meredith slipped into bed, putting an end to the beautifully emotional day –_ the linens felt cool against her warmed skin_ – she rubbed her feet together and lunged forward, grabbing Derek's long john shirt he left at the foot of the bed. She slipped it on over her tank and hunkered down under the comforter to find heat. She felt the cool air coming in from the window behind her – _she rubbed her feet together again _– the cold temperature of her toes more pronounced against the new warmth of the bedding.

_She sighed and heard Derek turn the shower on and took a private moment alone now to survey the dim surroundings … her home, she smiled … her first home with Derek._

Her eyes darted to the doorway, boxes of their belongings, in no particular order, mostly clothing … and of course her box of Balinese treasures, her beloved wall-hanging resting right on top. Her eyes scanned the small space, the only light coming from Derek's bedside lamp … she would miss this place –_ sure it was cold and small and completely vulnerable_ – but they made it work … it was home and yes, in some small way she would miss this place, the intimacy of it; in truth she loved the trailer.

Her hand found her belly and she connected, silently promising to tell the baby all about the trailer and the early tumult of her and Derek's union and how they came to be … because without that history, they wouldn't be who they are today, they wouldn't be ready for this – _a baby, an innocent life to love and cherish and protect_ – much like they had learned to do and be for each other.

_Tears pricked her eyes, tears of joy and relief and mad, mad love – and without even thinking, she turned her attention to their pregnancy book and the small accordion fold-up of ultrasound pictures that lay on top._

She grabbed both – _Derek turned the water off, she heard the shower door open –_ she smiled; she wanted to read tonight, the ultrasound having somehow made the baby more real or tangible than it was even this morning. Smiling, she let the accordion fall open to reveal the five shadowy images of their miracle – _the heart muscle, the kidneys, the spine, baby's side profile and two perfect feet_ – all beautiful, all stunning albeit cloudy and hazy amidst the backdrop of amniotic fluid, yet another set of fractional images, momentous in their own rite and just as Jyothi uttered … perfection. The baby was perfect and healthy and all theirs – _hers and Derek's … hers … and Derek's_ – created by them and their love and passion … the true _'sum of the parts'_.

_Meredith closed her eyes – Derek opened the door – she opened her eyes to find his, bright blue and happy, his hair a damp mess, his skin nice and pink, his smile relaxed and radiant … he was happy, happier than Meredith had ever seen him. Billowy steam trailed him from the bathroom, he smirked when he noticed she had snaked his shirt. He turned and grabbed another one from the clean stack on a nearby chair. He dropped his towel and slipped his pajama bottoms on. Without a word, he crossed the room and slipped into bed, rolling into Meredith as he did._

"My mom will get that email tomorrow morning when she wakes up, she'll love the images," Derek sighed, tracing his fingertip along the baby's side profile … he blinked hard –_ that was his baby, right there_ – his and Meredith's … baby. He smiled broadly and rested his hand on top of Meredith's, silently connecting, _'I love you little one'._

"And then this will be really real," Meredith sighed … _tangible and real_, her hand moved along her belly for a beat, _Derek's heat encapsulating all three of them now._

"Hmm, your nose," Derek mused softly, his fingers still tracing the baby's face before he rested his head down on her pillow and turned his neck to his plant lips on her shoulder as the wide neckline of his shirt slipped _down, down, down _… _her skin tasted like mango and vanilla, the perfect combination of sweet and spicy._

"Hmm … or yours," she sighed happily. Burrowing deeper, breathing him in –_ fresh and clean and warm_ – just like his aura, his energy.

"Ready?" Derek asked, taking the book from Meredith's lap, he moved his hand from her belly and leaned back to read.

"Ready," Meredith whispered …_ had another week really passed already? _She closed her eyes and Derek began to read.

"_Your baby weighs about five ounces now and is about five inches long from crown to rump (about the size of a large bell pepper). She can move her joints and will likely exercise them frequently, although this movement won't be felt by mom for another four to five weeks. Her umbilical cord is growing stronger and thicker too as it takes more and more nutrients from the placenta._

_And mom … are you hungry? An increase in appetite is pretty common about now as the baby begins to grow not only developmentally but in true weight and length now too. Try to eat healthful snacks in addition to well-balanced meals. Remember it's quality over quantity."_

Derek sighed and watched Meredith take a deep breath … she was emotional, he could tell – _too emotional to say anything_ – he watched now as she slowly folded the accordion of ultrasound images up, one by one by one. He closed the book, set it on his bedside table and smiled. Meredith handed the small stack to him – s_ixteen weeks, they had been back together for two months_ – two months that felt like a lifetime. Meredith rolled into him, her belly flush against his, her head in the crook of his neck – _he pressed his lips to her head through her hair; her clean, clear, sweet essence filled his lungs_ – his heart rate slowed down and he felt her relax … and then he did too.

"It's amazing, every week … tops the previous one," he mused, catching Meredith's sparkling emerald eyes in the dim light.

"I love you," she sighed, her hand resting on his broad chest. "So much, I … it's like you said earlier today, there are no words … there's only love, I love you," she whispered through her emotion, nuzzling her nose in his neck, she sucked a deep breath of him in, cherishing him, keeping him.

"I love you too and I'm … I've never been happier in my life." Derek said softly, his heart pinched somewhere deep inside. "And I'll always remember where we came from Meredith … and how we got here with this little one, we're blessed," he sighed, running his fingertips along the soft flesh of her belly, stopping briefly at her belly button before resting his hand on her hip bone just over her panty line.

"We are," Meredith agreed, stifling a big yawn. Derek drew her closer; she draped her thigh across his.

"You need sleep," Derek whispered, draping his arm along Meredith's shoulder – _slipping his fingers under her neckline, nice and loose_ – her skin was warm and soft, he smoothed her hair away and kissed her head again.

"I do … yes," she said, yawning again.

Meredith's eyes dipped shut for a split-second and everything became black and velvety and warm and inviting. Her hand found her belly, where she laced her fingers through Derek's … _'goodnight baby'_, she whispered aloud. She heard Derek chuckle, he kissed her temple – _'goodnight my love'_ – he said before he turned the light switch off.

And then everything became even more muted and she was lost for a beat of time until Derek's capable arms encircled her and his powerful energy of love and happiness covered her like a canopy – _he loved her, he loved them_ – was all she could think as she acquiesced and let sleep come for her.

And there she arrived on the other side of their life – _fully relaxed, the 'Zen cottage' within reach now_ – yes … she was almost there to that place where the breeze was sweet and warm and Derek's ocean blue eyes awaited like the sea at low tide … _calm, calm, calm_ … yes, now she was there – _the land of peace and harmony_ – and therein they were all safe and sound. Yes … yes, they were all of that and more she thought now as she felt Derek grow heavy in her arms and reality set in … yes, this was their reality – the three of them now, a family, holding each other, loving and keeping and caring – _nestled deep in the woods of their makeshift home, their first home together _– far, far away from that island paradise where they met again and reclaimed their love … for now and for all time.

_They were almost home._

**Chapter 20 – Close Your Eyes – Part 2 of 2 to follow.**


	53. Chapter 20, Close Your Eyes, Part 2 of 2

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al. **

**Author's Note: ****So ... you've arrived at Meredith and Derek's full circle moment for this part of their story. A rather long epilogue follows this part (150 some odd pages in Word), which sets up the next part of their story, the sequel-fic.**

**I should mention again ... with this story coming to a close that I think I figured it out, all the hours spent writing this story, I think it was a mechanism to stop my world from spinning and now I kind of hope it did the same for you, that maybe you lost yourself inside the story a little bit too.**

**If you never thought to comment ... maybe you should give it a try. Thanks for all the long hours and support, it means more than you know! (Oh ... this disclaims the erotica found within).**

###

**Chapter 20 – Close Your Eyes – Part 2 of 2**

"I love you too," Meredith cooed over the line to Derek, she tucked a damp tendril of her hair behind her ear with her free hand. She shivered from the cold, her eyes landed on the clock on the console – _it was 8:03 PM, ten minutes to go_ – she smiled, laughing once again at her lover's antics. "No Derek," she sighed with a smile. "I don't see the ferry yet, not since you asked me two minutes ago _– the ferry is always on time_ – remember, _'on time and reliable'_, it's your favorite thing about ferry boats," she giggled, she heard him sigh.

"_Did the Board at least feed you?" _he asked sardonically, still uprooted by the directors' delayed start for their meeting, the topic: _the final applications to the state to rename the clinic 'The Duquette __Designated Crises Center__.'_

"Yes," Meredith giggled. "Salads and sandwiches, it was balanced," she offered with a giggle.

"_Don't placate me," _he whined, but she could tell he was smiling, his playfulness eliminating the distance between them, for now.

"You know, I want to be home already too," she said, her tone more serious, her whisper hanging in space all around her, she sighed into the cool, night air.

"_Well, that's all I want – all I need is you now – our place and you … I want you,"_ he said gruffly, followed by his playful laugh.

"You want me," Meredith repeated. "And you've been waiting," she giggled, her smile wide, her eyes open, she was in love, so in love. Her heart pinched, her chest heaved.

"_Hmm, I have and I do – want you – and it smells like you in here and it's hot, I have a fire going and I –"_

"I miss you too," Meredith finished for him. "I missed you all day, all I could think about was you and me and forever … and ever …," Meredith sighed, her emotions bottlenecking somewhere in her throat, her voice impeded … she eyed the clock carefully, focusing now, anything to calm her raging hormonal heart down.

"_I hung it Meredith," _Derek blurted out. Meredith closed her eyes, she could see Derek's face in her mind's eye – _wonderment, love, acceptance, radiance_ – he hung the baby's _'__gringsing', _she smiled.

"So … it's finally home," Meredith mused.

"_Yes and wait until you see it … all I need is you now, everything's put away,"_ Derek said softly.

"Just me," Meredith whispered.

"_Just you ... damn, the way this place smells is driving me mad – it's woodsy of course – but I opened the latest shipment of mangos," _he chuckled. _"I lined them up on the sill – it smells like our suite in Ubud in here – you're everywhere!" _he rambled on and on. _"And … I want you,"_ he chuckled.

"So eat a mango," Meredith teased lightly.

"_I'd rather eat you," _Derek retorted, his flirtatious snicker filled the line, Meredith's heart raced; she felt a zing pinch her clit.

"Hmm, can't wait," she sighed. "Ferry's here," she murmured, watching now as the strong, purposeful vessel glided across the water, arriving closer and closer to the docks

_She started the truck and smiled broadly – __she was on her way home to the cabin – __she inched forward in the line of cars … another moment closer to home._

"_Thank God," _he chuckled.

"It smells like me?" she giggled. "Hmm … I want you too," she whispered thickly, Derek snickered into the line. "See you soon _'lover-boy' _… you could get comfortable and wait for me … some more … in bed," she laughed seductively before she disconnected the call and passed over the ferry threshold with a wide smile on her face … the fire deep within her core already smoldering for her lover.

_Yeah, she was almost home now … closer to home where her heart and soul waited for her._

Smiling now, Meredith pulled forward and engaged her parking break. She turned the ignition off and sighed into the private space – _shivering as the cold and damp and salty air filled the small cab_ – she hunkered down and into her ecru wool coat, seeking warmth, protection, her hands caressing her belly through the deep pockets of her coat …_ 'almost home baby, almost home to daddy'._

Glancing at the clock on the console – _she counted forward_ – it would be late the next morning in Darwin – _she could call Peter and Larissa now_ – or at least leave a message, for she hadn't spoken with them since they had received similar cryptic messages from both Owen and Cristina –_ the messages revealing a certain innate attraction, one that each was surprised to find in the other_ – a fact that didn't shock or surprise Meredith or Derek, but definitely threw Larissa and Peter for a loop.

Seizing the opportunity, Meredith opened her phone and scrolled through her contacts to find Larissa's cell number. All the while, Cristina's message funneled through her mind as she pressed send – _'you never told me how dark … and ah … handsome Owen really was' _– her friend's mischievous chortle intact … yeah … Cristina would be fine. The phone rang, once, twice and a third time before Larissa answered.

"_Meredith darling," _came her friend's singsong voice, Meredith could hear her smile.

"Larissa," Meredith smiled broadly.

"_The ultrasound images – I dare say, I couldn't have taken better shots myself – Peter and I were beside ourselves, doting … we were doting! And I … you know we are so happy for you and for Derek,"_ she sniffled. _"Oh, I'm a mess,"_ she giggled through her hormonal tears of sensitivity.

"Hmm, it's to be expected … just let yourself be _that_ woman," Meredith chuckled, a wry grin plastered to her face, she felt the ferryboat begin to glide away from the dock.

"_You mean the woman who cries at meaningless commercial advertisements and predictable romantic comedies?"_ she retorted with her own wry grin no doubt.

"Yep … that's _'her'_," Meredith giggled, she sounded good … her newly pregnant friend sounded good and happy.

"_Alright … I'll try to accept her, I just hope Peter can handle her … or me … or us,"_ she chuckled. _"Truthfully, I never thought I'd be 'her' … never," _she sighed, her emotions surely on the rise again.

"Oh Larissa," Meredith breathed, her words caught in her throat, she sniffled.

_Feeling her own emotions get away from her now – imagining her own heartache – the idea of 'trying' for a baby, for a pregnancy with Derek and the thought of it not happening again or at all to begin with … well, it just tore her apart, wreaking havoc on her nerves, she shook her head – time and love and acceptance had changed her – she rested her free hand along her belly. She was a mother through and through. A mother already._

"_Meredith, I'm okay,"_ Larissa counseled. _"I really am darling,"_ she laughed breathlessly.

"I know … and Peter … he'll be just fine, he'll laugh … or cry right along with you, he'll survive," Meredith encouraged, peeking out through her haze-covered window.

"_Fine like Owen … he seems … fine, he will be fine, will he survive her ... Cristina I mean?"_ Larissa wondered aloud.

"Oh yes, he'll be fine … and so will Cristina … they'll survive together," Meredith conspired.

"_She's volatile though, just got herself disentangled ... he'll get hurt right out of the gate, he's bound to get hurt and he's only just let himself … go,"_ Larissa sighed in defeat.

"Hmm … maybe … that may be true, but at least he'll give something of himself to someone who can give something back – _and_ _I can't say she isn't a mess, because she is _– but in a strange way they need each other and she needs that, _right now in her life,_ she needs to be needed and wanted … to be important –"

"_And so does he … I know, of course I know and he's a big boy, I shouldn't worry, but I do," s_he chastised herself.

"Oh," Meredith giggled. "But it's not _you _… it's _'her'_, the other one who's worried … if you were _you_ –"

"_I'd say sink or swim," _she cackled into the line.

"You bet your pregnant booty you would," Meredith laughed.

_Smiling now as Larissa moved on to the next topic – the gender of baby Shepherd – regaling Meredith with a play-by-play of why she thinks the baby is a boy and why Peter insists it will be a girl … yeah … her dear friend was still the woman who told it how it was – she was there somewhere, for better or for worse – hidden deep within the surly mix of pregnancy hormones._

###

Derek slipped a pair of pajama pants on and donned a clean long sleeve Henley – _Meredith would be home on the inside of a half hour_ – his heart raced, she was almost home … they were almost home, for the night … together.

He raked his fingertips through his shorter hair – _having stepped out earlier, he visited the local barber in the small town nearby_ – only now did he wonder what Meredith would say. He chuckled aloud and stepped out of the closet, glancing back to Meredith's side one last time – _smiling now as his eyes rolled over her clothing, her things _– his eyes catching on the couple of framed photographs he had moved from her night table at the trailer to one of the small empty built-in shelves.

_Memorable moments, cherished times caught with the sharp, indelible eye of the lens – t__he warm air pummeled his skin, he closed his eyes for a split-second__ – where he opened his eyes and found those memories there, also in his mind's eye … his focus narrowing on the left most photo – __one of Meredith and Ketut sitting on the stone wall across from the clinic, Wayan between them__ – the overhang of the palms offering the perfect photo opportunity. He sighed and felt a smile cross over his face – __he could so clearly remember the afternoon he clicked the shutter on the moment __– Wayan having just gotten out of school, the warm breeze blowing through Meredith's plentiful blond locks and Ketut's glorious smile and her perfectly straight teeth as both women doted on the boy._

_It was a treasure, this moment, this photo he thought now as his eyes drifted to the other photo – __this one taken by Owen__ – the night of the Gamelan concert, the night __'Meri House' __became a reality. The time, the moment, Derek could remember as if it was just yesterday –__ the way Meredith's eyes sparkled and danced as she took in the scene on the stage in front of them, the way her cheeks flushed when the intensity of the music made her heart skip a beat__ – while Derek was awestruck in a different way, for he was completely captivated by his lover and unable to take his eyes off of her … Owen snapped the shot – __Meredith marveling at the performance with wonderment__ – while Derek took her in, his eyes soft around the edges, his hand wrapped around hers, a small sheepish smile playing along his lips. __He was clearly a man in love._

His eyes darted around the space one last time – _looking now at the stacks and stacks of colorful saris and seladongs he left perched on one of the lower open shelves_ – knowing Meredith would be more likely to wear sarongs now that they would have heat, for she had missed the freedom of the garb and had told him on more than one occasion that she planned to _'live' _in her vast collection of pieces once they moved.

He finally closed the light and padded across the room to a tall dresser made from cherry wood. There he lit a match and held it against the wick of a tall candle inside an antique hurricane lantern. He blew on the match and watched the smoky shadows flicker for a beat –_ it looked like the effect of dry ice_ – _shimmery, smoky, silky, full of reflective wisps_ … the air was hot and sweet. He left the bedroom, making his way to check on the fire, the hot, fragrant air billowing down the dim hallway as he went.

Reaching the entrance to the main living space – _Derek once again marveled at the perfection of the floor plan _– high vaulted ceilings, unobstructed views from the kitchen to the living room and den – _the fireplace built into a stone retaining wall_ – a hearth that would heat the whole space when in use. And although he and Meredith had come over here off and on all week as furnishings were delivered, something was different now – _it was like the wind had changed directions_ – pushing the old storms of their past out to sea, leaving them poised and ready to move in together … forever.

_Derek took a deep breath and smiled, the air smelled of wood and mango and spices –__ reminiscent of the open-air markets __– the fire popped and crackled in the background, the soundtrack, __hot, hot, hot._

His eyes darted to the kitchen, bright and cheerful, strategic flood lighting offered clarity and depth naturally, nothing was forced, everything was at it should be. Derek turned and made his way to the counter where he left the last items from Meredith's Balinese box of treasures, moving to set the mortar and pestle further down the counter, off and to the right of the sink, his eyes roaming over the line of mangos on the window sill … some still green, blushes of ruby ripeness kissing the flesh precisely in the right spot.

_Now all that remained was the small Buddha carving, his copy of 'The Sun Also Rises' and Meredith's 'heart letter'._

Derek surveyed the Buddha statuette; his happy face stared back as he moved his hand along the intricate carving of his rounded cheeks and happy eyes. And as for the book – _his beloved treasure and Meredith's 'heart letter' – _aside from the letter tucked away safe and sound for all time … there was finally no need for the book – _that beautiful and complicated tale of unrequited love _– for a love unrequited didn't exist for Derek or for Meredith any longer.

And there inside the moment, Derek smiled broadly, for the chapter was closed and so would remain the book. Derek sighed and ran his fingertips along the tattered edges of the letter. Meredith's fragmented words eased through his mind now like a pulley, floating like the waves of the ocean – _and he couldn't stop it if he tried, nor would he ever want to_ – his mind wandered, the warm heat encapsulated him … he was at the precipice of Darwin's magical garden once again.

_'I need clarity, I need more … I just need … __I love you Derek Shepherd, with all my heart,_ _especially that small imperfect part_ … _I know you love me_ … _I'm a woman who got to know_ _you and fell in love with you … the broken you … I know you love me ... I'm hoping you'll keep it_ _safe and warm for me, that small piece of me … the one that belongs to you … until we meet again. I know you love me … I need a sign, a signal, something to tell me we're meant to be … I_ _know you love me_ … _I'm the same old me, the Meredith you love … I know you love me.'_

His eyes darted up and he peered through the double-pane windows when he thought he heard tires tread on the gravel – _Meredith was home – _dim headlights rounded the corner by the carport. Derek's heart raced – _Meredith was home _– he smiled once again before he headed across the room, the heat of the cabin swallowed up by the cold when he opened the door and stepped outside to meet his lover and welcome her home. His bare feet curling against the cold stone landing as he did; a wintry breeze bellowed across the clearing and pushed against his back with gentle force as the outside light sensors suddenly illuminated the walkway along which his destiny, his fate waited for him.

Meredith turned her headlights off and Derek watched as she emerged from the truck, her eyes locked on his immediately and she gave him a smile – _her secret smile_ – the one she saved just for him – _the one that resided somewhere between love and lust_ – it was feisty and sexy as hell. A shiver pummeled through Derek's being, and it wasn't from the cold _– no, no_ – it was the fishing line – _he could argue it was the 'line' that started it all, that first day in the elevator, the line was imaginary, but the pull was real_ – and there in that moment, it was cast out yet again. Effortlessly, it attached itself to Meredith, finding her, keeping her as she stood in the wind – _her hair moving around her head like waves_ – her long ecru wool coat accentuating and contrasting her flushed cheeks.

_Meredith stood still for a beat. She sighed and opened her mouth to say something, but what – 'you cut your hair', 'the cabin is sight for sore eyes' – she watched the smoke billow up from the chimney, transfixed by the big white swirls as they contrasted against the dark night sky. She shook her head and pushed her hair behind her ears._

_Where they really here, she wondered now, standing just outside their place – just outside their future – where they would spend together, forever?_

_And as she asked herself those questions, it all felt like a dream all of a sudden. A beautiful one, one so beautiful it had somehow become her life. Her reality. So real in fact that she felt that all-too familiar pull – was it gravitational – yes, yes … she leaned into the energy, willingly … for her lover, her future, her destiny waited for her now. _

"Aren't you cold?" she giggled, her voice sounded small and shaky as it fought against the wind.

"Not even close," Derek called back with a smile.

Her feet moved and so did his, she watched him glide closer and closer now, her eyes still held captive by the promise of warmth she found within – _the deep blue ocean, the white capped facets _– she basked in the energy, doing her best to absorb the heat from within. She watched a wide smile cross over Derek's face as his features softened _– he looked young, carefree, at ease_ – his pajama bottoms hung loosely over his narrow hips, the vee-neck of his Henley unbuttoned, his skin pink and fresh from his recent shower. He pressed his lips together and glided along the cold stones in his bare feet – _and in that last moment before he touched her_ – Meredith swore she'd never seen Derek look so gorgeous.

_The lovers managed to meet in a small triangle of darkness, an enclave somehow secluded from the light sensors and the wind and the natural elements. _

"Welcome home," Derek husked, emotion lodged in his throat, his hands found the smooth flanks of her cheeks, his heart raged with love, pinching inside his chest _… 'she's home' was all he could think._

"Home," Meredith answered, kissing Derek fully on the mouth, darting her tongue out, his cavern tasted fresh and minty. "Your hair," she giggled against his cool lips, running her fingertips through his much shorter locks.

"New beginning," he admitted hoarsely, his breath stolen away by the moment.

He smiled and wrapped his arms around Meredith while her hands found his neck where they stayed for a long minute – _kissing, loving, swaying, turning around and around and absorbing each other, slowly dancing_ – where muscles relaxed and tensions ebbed and minds wandered, taking the time to breathe each other in and close the day, leaving behind the stresses of life.

_Derek snaked his hand inside the layers of her coat and found the baby, rub, rub, rub – Meredith yelped and pulled back to find her lover's amused face – smiling now, she kissed her lover with hunger as his fingertips brushed against the warmth of her stretched skin, silently soothing aches she wasn't aware she had._

_She came up for air and opened her eyes and pulled back, her eyes landing on the darkened trailer, perched high on the clearing – a filtered beam of moonlight cast a low spotlight onto the silver metal, the Douglas firs loomed overhead … it was something of another time – a still-shot of history – it was their history. Meredith smiled widely, her whole heart shaking with anticipation … together forever. _

"Derek, come," she whispered, she held her hand out.

_Derek cocked his head and smiled – a sense of déjà vu covered him like a cloak wherein time stopped – and all of a sudden they could have been the strangers they were when they first met, standing on the clearing that night … Meredith's first night out at the trailer._

_His heart shook in the cold effectively waking him up now as her hair flew up, dancing in a gust of wind, next went her coat as it flew open and revealed her growing belly! And there she stood, the love of his life – her eyes just as happy and accepting, her smile just as sweet and sexy – she was his Meredith, just as she was that fateful night a little over a year ago._

_Except this was the here and now … this was the destiny that had awaited him. Yes, karma was at work … and it was a beautiful thing._

"Come," Meredith repeated, watching her lover's eyes become deep, reflective pools of emotion, rich with history and love and promise. "Come home," she whispered into the dark wind.

_Derek grasped his lover's outstretched hand and connected – also reminiscent of that night – the wind pushed against his back one final time as they stepped out of the triangle of darkness and made their way to the front door. _

Meredith opened the door and they stepped inside, following the squeak of the weather-proof strip, the door closed and all was silent, even the howl of the wind ceased to exist. Derek turned Meredith into his arms and held his woman, his lips found hers – _where their nerves pulsed and tingled and melted _– against the raging heat between them, hot tufts of their air commingled with the crackling, sweet, woodsy air innate to the cabin. Derek slipped his frigid hands beneath the collar of Meredith's coat and pulled the garment down; it fell to the ground. Her eyes flicked up to his before she kissed him fully, her tongue pulsing against his, her mouth and heart wide open.

_She panted as she pulled away, Derek's back against the stone retaining wall just inside the doorway at the small foyer – the fireplace wall dancing and licking with untamed heat behind her – his hands found her skull, where he held her, his eyes darting around her whole face, he leaned in and captured her perfect-fit lips, pulling, sucking, kissing … starving for her love and affection, her sweet essence filling him up like nothing else ever could._

"Take me to bed," she whispered against his supple lips, her command sounded choppy, stacked; he'd stolen her breath away again. "Take me," she pleaded; her heart and core pulsing with untamed heat akin to the fire behind her as her fingers toyed with the tie to his pajama bottoms and slipped her shoes off.

Derek smiled. "Come," Derek sighed. "Come home with me," he said, pushing his nose against hers.

Meredith leaned into him, Derek wrapped his arms around her and they began the pilgrimage to their bedroom together, bypassing the living room and kitchen, turning around and around each other as they meandered down the hallway, the cooler air pricking their heat-stroked skin – _the warmth of the fire long gone_ – for now.

Derek seized Meredith's mouth and he kissed her in earnest now, his hands found the fly of her jeans where he flipped the top button open and pushed the denim down, her black panties peeking out now as they neared the end of the long hallway, pausing briefly at the door jamb. Meredith came-to from the dizzying trip, her eyes and balance righted as she found the tie of Derek's pajamas and pulled him into their bedroom, her secret smile spread along her beautiful flushed face.

The couple entered the warmth and serenity of their enclave _– hidden deep in a back pocket of the cabin's floor plan_ – the single candle flickering inside the hurricane lantern offering just the right amount of light – _dancing shadows that added depth and beauty to the space and its inhabitants_ – Meredith pulled Derek toward the bed situated in the center of the room, sitting down on her side of the bed near the pillows when she got there, her eyes flicking up and locking with Derek's as she smirked and pulled on the tie _– releasing his beautiful cock into her hands, she pumped his length_ – up and down, up and down, never ever taking her eyes off of the ocean found in Derek's.

He stepped forward, knowing Meredith was hungry for him _– her hands worked him into a hardened frenzy in no time, nerve-endings popped as she caressed his cock and sack_ – all the while he watched her, captivated by her lust for his testosterone. He closed his eyes as she took him fully in her mouth, sucking him off with precision and skill – _her hands on his ass cheeks, her nose pressed into his abdomen, her beautiful lips and tongue_ – playing with him, making love to him.

_Meredith breathed him in – unable to get enough – his cock fucking her mouth, her desire for him drenching her panties within seconds, she felt his hands on her skull, but his cock did all the work, her mouth a siphon, she sucked in and massaged his sack … gently, back and forth she went, she felt him clench his ass cheeks, he pushed in her shoulders and knowing he'd want to cum with her – she released his muscle and looked up to find him – dizzy with bliss, his head lolled to the side, his smile weak, his eyes glassy._

Derek pulled his Henley off and leaned down to kiss Meredith's swollen lips _– her tiny fists still wrapped around his cock still working, working, working_ – as his tongue swept her mouth as he hovered over her, his fingers finding the buttons on her shirt, _one, two, three, four, five_ … he pushed the material back and found her black lace tank top, her aroused nipples poking through as he hovered over her, forcing her to sit back against the pillows as he leaned down and kissed her sweet lips again, all the while working to push her jeans over her hips. She wiggled free, taking her panties with her; Derek pulled the restrictive materials away and came to kneel in front of his woman.

"God, you're beautiful," he said thickly, her beauty stunning him for a beat – _her darker hair splayed against the pillows, her legs open, her pussy ripe for the taking_ – one hand on her breast toying with her nipple through her tank top, the other draped across her fuller belly. Her essence wafted up and into the sweet, woodsy air … and he was a goner.

"I could say the same about you," she whispered, looking up, watching as the candlelight moved over his toned muscles, his broad chest, narrow waist, his large hand pumping his glistening cock.

Derek smiled and reached down, he took Meredith's left foot and kissed her heel, then her shin – _her melodious giggle filled the private space_ – the sound was all he could hear, the beat of his heart strong, the heat thick … the air sweet as he kissed and kissed and kissed her smooth flesh. His eyes flicking up to see Meredith pull her tank top over her head – _her breasts swinging free_ – her fingertips on her nipples, rolling the puckered pleasure points between her thumbs and pointer fingers.

She smiled, keeping a watchful eye on Derek as he fisted his cock and swept her glistening folds with his sensitive head. "Hmm, you feel so good," he cooed into her ear, his free hand supporting him, his cock moving up and down, up and down – _teasing her, coaxing her open_ – her hands found his hips where they stayed.

"Remind me Derek," Meredith whispered, her heart racing, her mind open, visions of Bali pummeled her.

"Remind me Meredith," Derek sighed into the hot, woodsy air.

_Leaning into his lover, he ducked down and rolled one of her pert nipples between his lips and tongue before he plucked at her flesh, once, twice, volleying between her breasts for a beat. He pressed a row of tiny kisses on Meredith's belly, marveling at the softness of her stretched flesh. Her sweet island essence wafted up, arresting him on the spot. Without thinking, he rolled Meredith's thighs back and French-kissed her sweet hole, making love to her pussy, devouring her sex, siphoning all the sweet juice he could. He felt her hands on his head; she muttered something indiscernible. Derek pulled away from her pussy and smiled, bending down, he sucked hard on her clit one last time, breathing her in – yes, he missed the island too, the privacy, the sticky heat – all of it._

"Derek," she smiled, flanking his head in her hands, pulling his lips from her flesh. "No … no playing, not yet …," she sighed, his eyes flicked to hers. She smiled sheepishly, her cheeks flushed and beautiful _– his cock barely breaching her opening now before he positioned his thick head against her clit and swirled and pressed down_ – her legs fell open in submission … blood rushed to her capillaries there; her clit pulsed under his muscle. "Just you tonight," she ordered gently, grasping his cock, brushing her fingers against his as they held his muscle together, her juicy sex swathing their interlocked fingers now.

"Just me," Derek husked as he finally made that breach and sank into his lover's unique heat where he finally felt at home. "I love you," he husked into the damp skin just below her ear, inhaling her sex as his familiar carnal urges began to percolate to the surface. _Fuck she felt so good!_

"Just you," she breathed, her lips found his shoulder – _her voice hitched, emotions high now _– as she guided his steely rod fully into her heat, relaxing her muscles, allowing him inside, nerves massaging nerves now as she welcomed him home. "I love you, so much," she sighed against Derek's lips, locking her eyes on his, watching his face soften as he started to move inside of her.

_Meredith opened her hips up and rolled back, still somewhat sitting up to make room for her belly in the mix, Derek leaned onto his forearms flanking Meredith's head, keeping himself carefully elevated above his lover, his abdomen brushing only slightly against her fuller belly._

"Is this okay?" he wondered aloud – _his mind on the baby_ – he pressed a chaste kiss to Meredith's damp shoulder.

"Hmm, oh …yes … deeper," Meredith encouraged, raising her legs; she gently pressed her heels against his firm ass cheeks.

_Derek continued pulsing, delving deeper, his desire to please his lover evident as he made downward strokes, quickening his pulses as Meredith opened her hips wider, her muscles milking his rod with fine-tuned precision now – matching his strokes pulse for pulse – as he worked their machine, his pelvic muscles adding just the right amount of pressure to her burgeoning clit._

_Keeping her eyes trained on their sex, Meredith reached down and massaged her nub – gently brushing her thumb along her folds, feeling now, the sensations of her slick skin stretch to accommodate her lover and devour him in only a way she knew how – for she was right … sometimes she believed she and Derek were indeed made for one another._

_Derek's strokes continued, his rhythm gentle, but purposeful – his heart on fire with love as he watched Meredith's arousal pummel to the surface of her being, her eyes becoming glassy in the dim light, her core systematically clenching around his cock – his pelvis covering her fingers in intervals now, just how she liked._

"Right there," she husked; Derek's heat raging inside her core, his eyes flicked to hers where they stayed – _his stare intense, his mind surely on pleasing her_ – his eyes smiled as he penetrated her core, he was at home.

_Her muscles clenched around his … she owned him._

_Her clit pulsed with a raw need of its own making … she was his willing captor._

_His pelvis crushed her fingers … his rhythm intense, he owned her, held hostage by her innate, animalistic need for her man. _

_His cock twitched; growing longer and stronger with each passing stroke … he was captivated, held hostage by his innate, animalistic need for his woman. _

_They pulsed, they milked, they loved, they trusted, they adored and needed … this pattern repeated over and over and over again while the lovers never moved their eyes from one another._

Candlelight flickered and the spell was broken, but not forgotten – _nothing but soft light, quickened heartbeats and appreciative moans filled the hot air between them_ – and therein passionate bliss consumed the lovers as they made love for the first time upon what would become their marriage bed – _their secret enclave, safe and sound from the world at large _– their own … place.

"Hmm, so good …," Derek growled, his orgasm building, his eyesight foggy – _the haze of ecstasy covering him like a mosquito net_ – _down, down, down_ _he went,_ blissful oblivion imminent now.

"Yes … oh … oh … right there… oh, I'm close …," Meredith whined; her pussy pulsing out of control, her orgasm funneling from her core, pricking her skin with heat until she could barely see Derek, her eyes fluttered shut in preparation.

_Feral orgasms washed over the couple like waves lapping at the shore – the ebb and flow of their lovemaking moving congruently – harmonizing, meshing now as Derek struck Meredith's pussy one last time as he released his seeds into the depths of her core, his arousal spilling over, drenching their machine where his cock twitched and released over and over again; his lover holding him in place, claiming him, loving him and sexing him just as she was made to do._

_Instinctually, his lips found hers; they began to mutter the terms of their adoration and commitment and love for one another, whispering, cherishing and loving as they hunkered down within the dim flickering lights of their secret hiding place._

_Their island … their home … their Bali. _

###

Sometime later, Meredith opened her eyes _– the candlelight still flickered along the walls_ – she watched the swelling shadows for a beat and lost herself … _was this really her life_ … again she wondered, spying on Derek now as he slept – _his head on her pillow, his shorter hair wild from their games, perfumed with their sex, resting now, completely sated and happy_ – much like she was. He shifted and his hand found her belly; he gave her flesh a cursory rub … _baby, baby, baby._

_She smiled … this __was__ her life, her destiny fulfilled._

_She knew that now as she let her eyes roam over their simple bedroom furnishings, island undertones, light jade walls, ecru bedding, dark wood … all natural and soothing and perfectly 'them'. Each piece chosen with peace and harmony and relaxation in mind after all this was their place, their sanctuary … their Zen cottage._

The candlelight flickered, falling on the chaise lounge in the corner of the room – _one of Derek's button down shirts lay across the foot_ – without thinking, Meredith slipped from bed, the air cool, but refreshing against her hot skin. She padded across the room and donned the shirt. She peeked back to Derek; he moved to hug the pillow in its entirety. She smiled, lulled by his peace for a beat before she turned and slowly walked down the darkened hallway … she could hear the fire crackle and pop in the distance, surely smoldering by now.

A set of flood lights remained on and though dim – _they illuminated the living space in all the right places – _the deep brown leather sofas looked _'lived in'_ and yet they were brand new, the hardwood floors lay perfectly straight, still shiny with their natural gleam. A jade cotton fiber area rug _– something that looked like tapestry covered some of the flooring, but only enhanced its natural beauty_ – the high beams of logs, the stone hearth fireplace … the attention to detail could go on and on.

_Meredith sighed into her private moment and began to turn around and around, her eyes wandering, scanning every nook and cranny – her emotions barreling through her now as she knew they might – the beauty of her reality setting in now, for as much as they had been in this space every night for the last couple of days, it was truly nothing like … moving in, sleeping here and living here … with Derek for now and for all time. _

Smiling now, she turned to the kitchen, bypassing the large farm-style dining table as she did, making her way along the island where she found her treasured mortar and pestle, nearby which, Derek had set her spices. Her notebook was there too – _chockfull of Balinese recipes and classics_ – she could taste the satay on her tongue if she really tried. Mangos lined the window sills – _some green, some sun-kissed already, blushed with ruby red accents in all the right places_ – her mouth watered, her hand found her belly, _rub, rub, rub._

_She looked up and through the large windows – the trailer was still there, the back end of it could be seen, still a dull shimmer in the filtered moonlight – still there, their history. She smiled yet again and turned away, spotting the Buddha statuette and Derek's book at the far end of the counter. _

She picked the small statue up, marveling at the simple happiness found within, the wood dark and smooth, the Buddha's cheeks round and fat and cheerful. Taking the book – _Meredith felt for her 'heart letter', the groove of the envelope tattered and torn now from its journey_ – to Bali and back, just like them. Pressing her lips together, she picked the items up, crossed the room and found a spot for the cherished keepsakes on the built-in bookshelves that flanked the back wall of the living room.

_Stepping back, Meredith smiled widely … their Buddha, their old story … that story of unrequited love … her 'heart letter' … they were all home. Home is where the heart is, it really is … Owen was right, he words played over and over and in her mind's eye now as she closed her eyes for a beat and silently said a prayer of thanks to whatever God might be listening. _

_She was home._

_Derek was home. _

_And so were their hearts._

_Meredith opened her eyes, everything was how she left it, a shiver of cooler air moved through the small living space … her lover awaited and so did his heat. She crossed the room and closed the fireplace flue before she switched the lights off and carefully made her way down to the bedroom. Once there, she peeked at Derek – he too was right where she left him – still sleeping, still sated, still dreaming_.

She sighed and entered the closet; careful to put the light on and move the dimmer down before she set off to grab a tee shirt to sleep in. Looking up, her eyes fell on her colorful collection of saris; she reached up and moved her fingertips along the delicate hand-woven fabrics, remembering now what made her fall in love with each one individually. The colors were vibrant, bright and cheerful, the method, ancient and meaningful to the people, each crafted with precision – _Bali, Bali, Bali_ – she closed her eyes and took a deep breath … _Zen, Zen, Zen. _

She shook her head only to open eyes and focus on the two framed photos Derek had moved to rest here within her private space. She let those memories consume her for a beat in time; she let herself live them again and felt a sense of undulated peace wash over her. She opened one of the top drawers and pulled a tee shirt out.

Turning now she stood in the doorway for a beat and there – _she caught a glimpse of her side profile in a long mirror situated on the door_ – she turned again and giggled, she let her shirt fall to the floor. Her hands flew to her belly – _her small round belly, an actually belly, not fleshy or soft_ – but somehow larger than this morning even! She moved the fabric of Derek's shirt back to take a closer look – _her larger breasts hung free, her small belly protruded_ – she had popped, for sure, without a doubt … she finally looked _and_ felt pregnant! Meredith's heart raced and a small gasp of surprise fell from her lips as she stared down with wonder, awestruck by their miracle's growth.

_Derek awoke to one of his favorite sounds on this earth – Meredith's melodic laughter – he squinted in the dim light to find her and when he did, he swore his heart skipped a beat. For there she was – the love of his life, the mother of his unborn child – her beautiful silhouette somehow sparkling in the dim flickering lights. Her hands caressing their love baby, her eyes shining as she doted on the baby's growth – sniffling through her emotion, smiling broadly – as her long hair fell forward while she praised her little round belly! Unfathomable joy encapsulated Derek, there was nothing on earth he could measure this against … no, this was in a class all its own, the father deep within him knew that much. _

Tears stung his eyes. "Meredith," he whispered from his spot, thunderstruck by her still.

Meredith turned to find her sleepy lover rising from bed. "Derek … look!" she beamed, her pride and joy evident.

Derek chuckled and crossed the small room and where he wrapped Meredith up, enveloping her in his arms. His free hand found her belly and they swayed for a moment. "I love you," Derek choked out; his emotion clogged his throat as he knelt down and pressed tiny kisses to their little growing miracle. "Look at you … little one," he sniffled; he looked up to find Meredith's shining eyes. He kissed her flesh again. "Four months, sixteen weeks … one hundred and twelve days …," he whispered, Meredith giggled. "Two thousand, six hundred and sixty eight hours …and counting," he sighed, pressing one last kiss to the baby. "I love you baby, just keep growing," he whispered before he stood up.

"Did you memorize that?" Meredith whispered through her tears … fresh and new and happy tears.

"Hmm, I did … I did," he chuckled.

"I love you … so much …," Meredith whispered.

"I love you too," Derek muttered.

_Reaching up, she clasped her hands around Derek's neck before she moved them down, down, down – caressing the warmth of his bare skin, pulling him closer, her hands resting now on his firm ass – her belly rubbed against his, her nipples cut against the soft hair on his chest, he pulled her even closer, his flaccid cock brushed against her woman's apex._

"This doesn't seem real," she confessed into his heat, safe and sound.

"Hmm, but it is … we made it," Derek soothed, pressing a kiss to Meredith's neck, breathing her in as he did. Her hot breath fanned his shoulder as he held her, rocking and lulling for a beat. "Kiss me," he said all of a sudden and she smiled, finding his mischievous eyes. "You remember, don't you?" he asked. "That day in that magical garden in Darwin … remember – _if you kiss me_ – you'll know it's real," Derek whispered, bringing her chin up, he planted his lips on hers … doing his best to remind her just how real this all was.

"I remember," she answered against his lips, kissing her lover now like no time before, silently professing her love and respect and commitment.

"Hmm, so do I … come here," he muttered, pulling away before he ushered Meredith out of the closet, his hands on her shoulders as he walked her to yet another magical doorway.

_Derek smiled, resting his hand on the doorknob for a split-second before he opened the door to the nursery. Standing aside, he encouraged Meredith to move in front of him, listening now as a gasp of wonder escaped from her lips. She looked back and up, her glistening eyes sparkling akin to brilliant emerald facets in the dim light. Derek rested his hands on Meredith's belly, encircling his tiny family from behind. Meredith leaned into him, resting the back of her head against his shoulder._

"It's perfect," she sighed wistfully, unable to take her eyes off of the baby's_ 'gringsing'._

"It's home, welcome home Meredith," Derek whispered into her ear. She shivered, raising her shoulders, he held on tighter, absorbing her emotion, allowing it to seep into his core.

Moonlight cascaded down over the lone decoration, Meredith's vision staring back at them – _the only item in the room_ – for now. Leaning on each other, the lovers took the artistic vision of Bali in and reflected – _mud, earth, plant, life, rebirth_ – a tapestry for all time – _rich with the history and the future_ – deep undertones of their spiritual journey calling out … _it was Bali … the island was calling, still._

_The tapestry was in and of itself – a full circle – rich brown earth interwoven with plentiful ribbons of bright green rice terraces. Rebirth was depicted as were the bright blue sky and azure blue ocean, the two joining together in a thin line at the horizon … the center of the piece – the focal point was a large open bloom of a multi-layered hibiscus flower – the petals bright pink, it's center as yellow as the sun. The flourish popped against the darker earth and sea, so real and true to form, it looked like it could be plucked right from the scene. Jasmine flower petals floated throughout the scene and there – tiny white flecks of would-be fragrant flora – lastly situated at the bottom right corner was a pair of hands, island-almond brown of course, palms open … on which a mango sat upon. _

"Welcome home Derek," Meredith finally answered.

Derek sighed. "Come … come back to bed … close your eyes with me," he soothed, wanting nothing more than to slip into bed and wrap himself around her.

_The couple slowly turned and walked together back into their bedroom. Derek held the linens back. Meredith slipped his shirt off letting it fall to the floor before she slipped into bed. Derek followed suit and rolled into her heat and there they stayed for several long minutes. Meredith's head resting over Derek's heart – whump, whump, whump, oh so alive and well – his hand draped protectively over the new roundness of her belly._

_Each silently connecting, each silently praying and marveling simultaneously now – 'bless this home of our hearts, shelter us from the storms of life, offer us peace and solitude' – Derek burrowed deeper into her heat, Meredith breathed him – his heartbeat slowing as did hers, beating in unison now – as they grew heavier in each other's arms and finally, finally closed their wide and thankful eyes and fell asleep … together … forever. _

**Epilogue to follow.**


	54. Epilogue, Into the Mystic, Part 1 of 6

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al. **

**Author's Note: So … the song, the song! The inspiration behind the epilogue for this EPFIC … I****f you've never heard Warren Haynes before ... you'll melt, the guy is amazing, he can do more with just his voice and acoustic guitar than most and in my opinion this is the best rendition of Van Morrison's song, "Into the Mystic" I have ever heard. **

**Look it up on youtube, you won't be disappointed … your search should be: "Into the Mystic" … the best ever. **

**Thank you to all who have enlightened me while I have attempted to enlighten you … please let me know what you think about this epilogue as I post. Enjoy.**

**###  
**

**Epilogue - Into the Mystic  
**

**Lyrics for Van Morrison's song "Into the Mystic" performed by Warren Haynes:**

We were born before the wind  
Also younger than the sun  
Ere the bonnie boat was won as we sailed into the mystic  
Hark, now hear the sailors cry  
Smell the sea and feel the sky  
Let your soul and spirit fly into the mystic  
And when that fog horn blows I will be coming home  
And when that fog horn blows I want to hear it  
I don't have to fear it  
I want to rock your gypsy soul  
Just like way back in the days of old  
Then magnificently we will float into the mystic  
And when that fog horn blows you know I will be coming home  
And when that fog horn whistle blows I got to hear it  
I don't have to fear it  
I want to rock your gypsy soul  
Just like way back in the days of old  
And together we will float into the mystic  
Come on girl...

###

**Epilogue - Into the Mystic - Part 1 of 6**

Well into her third trimester, Meredith decided that the best thing about pregnancy was that it was finite – _that somewhere at about the forty week mark_ – a tiny, little, precious baby would be born … and that would be the end of it, or rather the end of the chronic back pain and the swollen feet and the sleepless nights (_well, maybe not the sleepless part_), but regardless – _the time of pregnancy was finite_ – and as she careened towards her due date (_one slow day at a time_), it was this simple fact that kept her … _afloat_.

Except that as she sat here presently, wrapped in cashmere blankets on the stonework porch overlooking the clearing – _watching her lover and most of her pack play a game of touch football _– she was officially into her _forty-first_ week of pregnancy!

Shifting uncomfortably on the ergonomically-correct Adirondack chair, Meredith took a big breath of the damp, fresh air and closed her eyes for a beat, her chilled hands found her large belly and she rubbed the baby's tush through the layers of her favorite lavender hoodie _– 'come on baby'_ – she chanted what had become her beloved mantra as of late.

Smiling, she knew the baby would come when the time was right – _she knew all she had to do was wait, rub, rub, rub_ – and to that point, she snaked her hand outside the blankets and quickly closed the latest pregnancy book Jyothi had given to her, for there was only so many mythical tactics for natural pregnancy induction she could read – _although, she had to admit a couple of the ideas involving 'erogenous stimulation' sounded more than appealing, along with the sex … more sex was always … welcome _ – she raised her eyebrow and smiled now, she would have to ask Derek if he was game tonight.

So, here she was – _almost a mother, but most definitely a mother already_ – poised to take the next step in her life, both together and apart from Derek and it felt good, more than good, despite the awkwardness and the limitations of her body she felt in the last couple of weeks (_now secretly thankful that she acquiesced when she and Derek argued over his desire for her to take leave from the clinic a few weeks back to wait for the baby_). At the time she fought with him and Jyothi, unwilling to concede that she was just too encumbered by the added weight of the baby – _which was only intensified by having to stand for most of the day_ – for in a free clinic there was no time to sit most days, not when every pair of hands defined the term a _'helping hand'_.

A gust of hallow wind skimmed across the clearing, Meredith hunkered down, watching the game now – _thankful for the distraction and for the eighty-hour work week cap that somehow most of her pack had exceeded_ – for it was good to have everyone out here with her …the hours alone had been restful but a little much considering her propensity to be busy … _all the time_. She sighed, her eyes now resting on the horizon in front of her – _sweeping beyond the action to the water, watching now as it glistened against the overcast skies_ – the dim sparkle lulling her for a beat as she stumbled upon her beloved Doc's resting place.

_Doc, Doc, Doc, her heart pinched somewhere deep inside the core of her being. Steadying herself, her hand fell to the baby – rub, rub, rub, she self-soothed, but her heart raced on and on, for nothing could stop the inertia of her feelings now – for although their beloved savior had passed away only nine short months ago, it felt like a lifetime to her … and to Derek too._

_Tears collected, she let them gather in her eyes as her heart swelled with untamed emotion, a new addition to her DNA that had become commonplace for her over the last several weeks – intensifying ever so slightly since her due date had come and gone – and so with acceptance, she let it overcome her now … this hormonal, highly emotional side of herself. She let it be as it gathered her in its wake at warp speed causing the scene in front of her to become a blurry mess of the past, present and future – the wind also pushing against her with a gentle force – its howl only adding to the cacophonic symphony, one that was both pleasurable and painful to hear._

_She heaved a sigh and collected herself – thankful for the private moment to ride the swell of her emotions – thankful because in truth, she really was relaxed and feeling good amongst her friends. She really was happy and smiling and healthy and not much bothered her, sure she was uncomfortable, she was emotional … but she was happy and open to ending her pregnancy, which was a start, she held no fear in her heart – only love and acceptance and excitement – no matter how painful labor and delivery might come to be, she wanted it to begin._

So … here she sat with a large smile upon her face, shaking her head now as she listened to another round of Alex's exclamation of expletives as he barked instructions at both Izzie and George. Watching now as Izzie snickered and gave Alex the finger behind his back, raucous laughter erupted from her and George – _she was pissed, her hands flew in the air, "What the hell, Alex?" she exclaimed _– while George just rolled his eyes and gave the _'brooding mess' _a mock-salute. Derek rallied the troops and huddled now with George for the last play _– the intensity of the moment was plastered all over their game faces_ – George's eyes following Derek's directives as he pointed and moved his finger along the far end of the clearing. Meredith sighed and shifted again; oddly satisfied that she wasn't out there.

Her cell phone rang out, the electronic chirp intrusive over the light howl of the wind and rustling leaves overhead, slipping her hand free from the blankets – _she carefully reached over to the small table and retrieved the device, peeking at the LCD _– she smiled and flipped it open, pulling the phone back from her ear, listening to the litany of questions of her dear friend on the other side. "Yes, I'm still pregnant," she answered with a giggle.

Shifting again, she listened to her caller while watching with interest as her lover crossed over the boundary line, stealthily avoiding Alex to score a touchdown _– all the while clutching the ball tucked under his arm, the rush of his adrenaline reaching his beautiful eyes_ – a shiver of happiness coursed through Meredith as she smiled widely, still listening intently. "No, I haven't talked with her yet or Larissa… tomorrow, if I don't feel anything … … we'll be here, see you soon … on the other side … yes," she confirmed with another giggle and a roll of her eyes before she snapped the phone shut with a satisfied grin on her face.

Meredith watched George and Derek slap each other silly as the game finally ended and the players disbursed – _tattered and torn and muddy and only a little worse for the wear_ – the foursome meandered up the clearing together. George snapped his pager from his hip and paced while he checked his messages. She smiled, seeing Alex pull Izzie into a hug – _his playful demonstrativeness back in full force_ – the competitive pit bull gone now as he pulled back from their embrace and kissed his woman the way she deserved it. For two passionate hotheads, they were just fine …they were happy and more than in love.

_Derek sprinted ahead – he locked his eyes on Meredith's for a beat in time – she smiled and rubbed her belly. She decided he looked happy and carefree too – with his hair on the long side at the moment, his skin flushed and pink from his workout, his eyes bouncing with happiness, his indigo long john shirt hugging his muscles, his broad shoulders and trim waistline – the man was __literally__ dripping in sex appeal (and sweat)._

_In less than a minute, he bounded up the stairs and smirked before he came to hover over her in a single fluid movement, Meredith snorted as she found his playful eyes – one hand pinned on either side of her head on the back of the chair – she peered up and squinted at her lover, his face framed by the halo of the bright overcast sky. He was ethereal. He truly was her angel._

"Hi," he breathed, dipping his head down, he pulsed tiny kisses to her lips. "Anything?" he asked hopefully, pulling back slightly, he took in her appearance as he smiled weakly, his heart pinching, _baby, baby, baby._

"Nope," she answered with a smile as he dropped one hand to her belly, rubbing against the baby through the mess of blankets. "Mark's gonna pass on lunch," she announced, leaning up and into Derek's heat. "Callie got pulled into surgery and he's waiting for her," she informed him. "He called a while ago already," she recounted, resting her hand over Derek's.

"So … he and Callie made up," Derek surmised evenly with a tight smile, wondering if his suggestion to Mark to simply _'surrender' _to his feelings for Callie actually worked. For the couple hit a small rough patch not too long ago – _Mark's desire to commit, but his failure to follow through_ – the impetus.

"They did," Meredith smiled.

"Make up sex," Derek replied suggestively; hovering now, he locked his eyes with his hers while he raised his brow. "It's the best kind … definitely worth skipping a meal for," he added with an authoritative smirk. Her adorable giggle filled the air between them and he watched her cheeks heat.

_Lost in Derek's crystal clear eyes as he sat down on the edge of her chair – she could barely breathe – and no, it wasn't from the baby … no, no, it was Derek's aura, his energy as he leaned in – the air between them was hot and damp and infused with their familiar island sweetness, now woodsy and earthy too, as it wafted up and hung between them – Meredith cradled her lover's skull in her hands and idolized him for a beat, her fingers submersed in his plentiful locks, she met his eyes and smiled, her melodic giggle mingling with the sweet, hot air as she did._

_Without taking another breath, she brought his face towards hers and kissed him fully on his mouth, her heart raced, she was so in love … so in love, it hurt sometimes. The baby rolled, her belly stretching to accommodate the movement as she pulled back and smiled again. She moved Derek's hand over the baby, his eyes flicked to hers where they stayed, rub, rub, rub. _

"Nice game," she smiled, moving her hand to rest over his, silently connecting.

"Karev's intense," he muttered with a wry grin, craning his neck back to watch the younger surgeon as he pulled Izzie into a tight hug. He turned his attention back to Meredith. "So, anything in there worth trying?" he smirked as he glanced at the book perched on the small teak table to his lover's left. He smiled encouragingly knowing Meredith would do just about anything to start contracting. _She was ready … and waiting. And so was he._

"Maybe," she giggled, heat finding her cheeks as she curled one of her long surgeon's fingers toward herself – _'come closer'_ – she signaled her lover to lean in now. "The best … and most fun technique suggested was _'erogenous stimulation' _and sex … of course more sex, just as Jyothi suggested," she whispered seductively in his ear.

Derek snorted, his sexy eyes locked on hers now as he pulled back. "Hmm, sex _and_ sexy fun, sign me up for both," he teased before he looked around. "Okay here's what we'll do," he conspired, mischief flirting deep within his eyes now. "I'll kick them out and meet you in the bedroom in five –"

"Derek!" Meredith giggled, swatting his forearm in protest, but he just smiled, leaned in and kissed her neck, his lips warm and soft and delicious … barely there.

"Kidding," he chuckled into the crease of her neck, watching her fuller cheeks heat as he pulled back – _she was the picture of health_ – she _defined_ adorable. "So … are you hungry?" he asked, his tone soft, intimate.

"Only for you," she flirted, shifting her weight again.

"Don't I know it," he flirted back, watching with interest as she winced, favoring her left side as she shifted. Her green eyes became reflective; she winced again.

_Derek cocked his head and snaked his hand blankets to rest it along her ribs. She melted into his touch, watching the concern etched on his face soften, his eyes glassy now from unshed emotion. He sniffled slightly and inched closer to her, hovering as he spoke._

"I love you," he whispered. "And … I'm so … so proud of you," he murmured softly.

"I love you too," Meredith breathed filling her lungs with fresh air. "I just want some kind of sign … a starting off point," she chuckled weakly.

"I know … anytime now," he encouraged, his heart pinching with love and adoration and concern.

_The lovers held each other in the quiet moment for a beat in time – Derek focusing on the depth he found in the deep sea of Meredith's eyes, his love and admiration for her compounding exponentially, even more now as the days passed beyond her due date – wondering now how she was really coping, a genuine smile covering her face … his woman was happy! Forty-one weeks pregnant and happy! _

"Want a cup of tea before I fire up the grill?" he asked, taking in her serene beauty, the filtered light from above illuminating her skin in all the right places, the result an afterglow of some sort – _call it pregnancy or peace or happiness _– the idiom didn't matter, only that she was all of that and so much more.

"Yes please," Meredith answered.

The couple turned now to find George making his way up the steps as he snapped his phone shut and clipped it to his sweats. He took a long sip from his water bottle … he looked like a boy, Meredith decided _– in this moment, he really did … his dark hair was wild, his white long sleeve shirt too big, soiled with mud_ – she smiled, he looked young and innocent even though she knew that was far from the truth. Derek stood to greet him.

"Anything?" George asked Meredith hopefully, meeting her eyes. She looked good, albeit uncomfortable.

"Nope … nothing," she giggled, watching the hopefulness disappear from the dark pools of his eyes.

"Anytime now," he breathed with an encouraging smile. "Need any help?" he turned and asked Derek.

"Nah, I'm alright for now, sit down … relax," he offered genuinely, for it was a rare day, they were all off and Derek knew in the last six or so months – _O'Malley had taken off less time than most_ – his focus on the game intense now after the rocky start of his intern year. "I'll be back in a little bit with your tea," Derek murmured as he leaned over and kissed Meredith's temple, soft and quick.

"Okay," Meredith sighed, melting into his energy for a lost beat in time.

_Derek pulled away and Meredith watched him slip his muddy shoes off and disappear inside cabin, all was quiet again. She turned to find George, now sitting on a teak ottoman watching Izzie and Alex horse around on the clearing – she was taunting him with the ball now – volleying back and forth, she was such a tease, her eyes bright and happy now that Alex was playful again. _

"She seems happy," Meredith offered with a smile – _finding it necessary to remind George sometimes that Izzie was happy_ – for she was still his best friend and he felt it was his duty to worry and while no one could argue with his logic, he needed a push to let her be some of the time. "She barely got lost on Doc today," she whispered for his ears only.

"Hmm, I saw that too," he said, his tone hushed as he smiled weakly, watching Izzie's playful smile dazzle Alex now.

_For it was true, he had to agree – his friend had come a long way – for long gone were the days where she would get lost on Doc's gravesite and think of Denny, a memorial of sorts for her too, having no other place (besides her heart and the clinic to memorialize her love) – for no one could argue they were both saviors, passing away on the same night … the baby's conception, the high point for all now against the otherwise dismal happenings of that night in history – yes, yes …they were remembered._

Meredith chuckled. "Remember when _I_ was her distraction of choice?" she asked, thinking now about her hasty departure to Bali and Izzie's recent loss of Denny and how much everything had changed and evolved since then.

"I guess we don't have to worry as much about her these days – _although, in the last couple of weeks, we've __all__ been a little distracted by __you_ – I mean, you've seen your belly, right?" George offered with a wry grin.

"Hard to miss, I can't see my toes, Derek said my pedi looks good … but what does he know!" she surmised with a giggle, she shifted, her hands rubbing the baby again, watching now as Izzie hopped on Alex's back and he began to sprint up the clearing.

"Well, he's _only_ a brain surgeon," he chuckled, shaking his head. "You're ready though … anytime now," he said, finding comfort in Meredith's unwavering eyes for a split-second before their wild friends barreled up the steps – _Izzie's giggle suspended in the air _– Alex's footsteps as heavy as his breath.

"Anything?" Izzie asked breathlessly from her perch, her arms draped around Alex's neck, her eyes bright and shiny.

"Yeah, anything?" he heaved as Izzie slipped down, his wild eyes dancing as he scanned Meredith's face, he wiped the sweat from his brow with his forearm.

"Nope," Meredith giggled, watching their faces fall slightly … for the baby truly was _everyone's_ baby and that suited her just fine.

"I have to pee," Izzie announced. "Be right back," she said as she opened the door and she too slipped her shoes off and disappeared inside.

"I'm gonna go see if Derek needs any help," George smiled as he stood. "I'll grab your tea," he offered, meeting her eyes one last time before he slipped she shoes off, stepped inside and closed the door behind him.

"What? Do I stink that bad?" Alex joked, peering into his sweat soaked armpit. Meredith laughed as he sat down on the ottoman. "And then there were two," he breathed, flicking his eyes to hers. "Or … three," he said more seriously. Meredith chuckled and rested her eyes on his for a long beat. "So, you ready for this?" he asked, taking advantage of his private moment with her, the baby at the forefront of all of their discussions as of late.

"I'm ready … really ready," she said softly, watching his eyes scan hers – _back and forth –_ he smiled tightly, a small swirl of cooler air moved between them, Meredith shifted, her quest for comfort, ever-present.

"Any lower back pain … anything?" he asked watching his friend wince slightly as she moved.

_He sighed, for even though he had come to trust Jyothi completely, this was Meredith they were talking about and well – she had saved him over and over again in one way or another since they met – and she had this way of demanding more of him than he ever did of himself, so how could he do less or ask less of himself now, where the health and welfare of her baby were concerned? He couldn't … so he kept on her … while she tolerated his need for reassurance._

"Don't catastrophize Alex," Meredith said softly, reading her friend like a book. "I see you – _I know how your mind works_ –"

"You're coming back to the house – _when, tomorrow afternoon_ – no later than tomorrow night, right," he stated his facts evenly, flicking his serious eyes to hers where they stayed.

"We are _– Derek's mom will be coming back into town tomorrow afternoon; she'll stay there too, in that back guest room_ – and before you ask, Jyothi's coming over to check me over tomorrow afternoon," she breathed, scanning his eyes. "We'll be fine Alex – _we'll survive _– we're survivors, remember?" she smiled, trying to lighten his mood.

"You will – _I know_ – and we _are_ … survivors, I know that now," he said reflectively, thinking largely about all they had collectively overcome, with their intern year behind them along with the trials of some incredible personal woes – _here they stood, the lot of them and just like he prophesized_ – they were all better for it. Meredith smiled; Alex leaned forward and rested his warm hand on her ankle where he massaged her for a beat. "You're a strong woman Grey," he said with encouragement.

"I am … I can do this," she said with a smile tucked deep inside her heart, watching some of Alex's stress ease.

Izzie breezed through the door behind them then _– she carried a small tray with a steaming cup of tea and two chocolate muffins perched atop_ – she smiled widely as she made her way to set her wares on the small table next to Meredith.

"I forgot … there's cake," Alex cackled as he stood. "That's my exit," he laughed, pecking Izzie on the cheek before he made a swift exit.

"There he goes Meredith, a man in hot pursuit of some cake," Izzie called after her lover.

"Yeah, well it's only your cake I'm looking for babe," he countered, looking back to find his woman as he kicked his shoes off.

"It better be," she laughed, giving him her winningest smile as he disappeared through the door.

_Meredith giggled as Izzie held a bright white tea mug out for her – the calming aroma of jasmine flowers twirled up and into the atmosphere – sweet, fragrant and inviting, she held the hot mug to her lips and breathed one of her many elixirs in, pushing it down into her diaphragm and beyond. Izzie sat down on the chair beside Meredith who lifted the blanket, inviting her friend to sit with her on the chair with room enough for two._

"Cake as a metaphor for sex … I like it," Meredith giggled before taking a sip of her tea.

"You and your cake," Izzie muttered, leaning into her pregnant friend before she took one of the cupcakes and carefully folded the foil wrapper down just a bit – _the aroma of her childhood_ – chocolate with just the right amount of coconut, enveloped her.

"Don't pin that on me … that's entirely your fault, it's _you_ … you and your damn cake and that coconut extract," Meredith countered playfully.

_She watched Izzie take a bite of her cupcake and moan in satisfaction – the aroma of the potent island coconut extract she found for her on Bali wafted up, mingling now with the jasmine tea – Meredith closed her eyes, Bali, Bali, Bali … she relaxed into the moment and found herself standing at the precipice of the Zen cottage now – 'take me back, remind me' – she pleaded into the silence as she came to rest her warm mug of tea on her large belly to let herself go for a beat. Before long she heard Izzie sniffle; she opened her eyes, Izzie reached over and set her cupcake down on the tray._

"Oh, Izz," Meredith sighed, resting her head on her shoulder, her eyes falling on Doc again her friend struggled to regain her composure. Reaching over with her free hand, she took Izzie's and rested her palm over her belly. The baby rolled under their touch.

"I remember that feeling," she whispered, her voice shaking just like her heart now, unable to stop herself from wondering if she and Denny would have had children, not to discount the chance of that for her and Alex …but, she loved Denny, she fell hard and fast and without a doubt, she would have married him and been ready for babies with him – _and even though Alex knew everything there was to know about her past and he would likely have and be her future_ – a part of her (_this small slice of herself_) would always belong to Denny, for now and for all time. "I'm okay," she breathed in an effort to convince them both.

"I know … I know you are," Meredith answered, because deep down she was, she was Izzie – _strong and beautiful and demanding and giving and full of that hopeful optimism they all loved so much_ – she just needed a reminder every once in a while. "You're still you?" she asked now.

"I'm still me," she answered as she rested her head against Meredith's and closed her eyes on the horizon in front of them. "It's a good place … Doc's place," she offered quietly.

"It's the best place," Meredith agreed, also closing her eyes.

_The friends sat in relative silence for a long few moments, each reflecting on the past and the present and the future – Meredith was going to be a mother – they both thought at some point or another … they were growing up … they weren't interns anymore. _

_Minutes later, the faint rumble of a motorcycle echoed in the foreground somewhere – waking the pair up from their moment of decompression – Meredith shifted in the chair, pushing herself up before she opened her eyes. _

"I'm glad you're fine Izz," Meredith smiled.

"I'm glad you're almost having this baby," Izzie chuckled, patting Meredith's belly.

_The motorcycle rumble filled the space all around them now, the mechanical echo reverberating with a new tempo against the slow creak of the trees … and the billow of the wind … and the distant lap of the water. _

_The two friends looked up and watched as Cristina rolled up with Owen Hunt – her love, her lover, her trusted friend and ally – who had become theirs too on all accounts, for in the few months since he stepped onto the local scene and into their lives, Owen was most definitely part of the pack and very well one of its de facto patriarchs now._

_He parked low on the outer perimeter of the clearing – Cristina sitting behind him, her arms low around his trim abdomen, her chin pressed into his back against the smooth brown leather of his jacket – the loose tendrils of her dark hair, long and flowing, slipping free from the confines of her small black helmet._

_The motorcycle idled, exhaust twirling in the air now as Cristina hopped off and unclasped the neck strap of her helmet while Owen disembarked where they stood before one another for a second, already deep in conversation. She handed her helmet to him where he set it down next to his – his eyes full of light and happiness as they stepped closer to one another – his hands found the veneer of her face and he cradled her there before he ducked down and kissed her purposefully._

_The lovers melted into one another in a wild sea of denim jeans and leather bomber jackets … they looked small, the endless sky and looming trees of the wilderness dwarfing them – although those natural elements were no match for their untamed love – for that was … untouchable._

"Every time I see them like this … all I can do is thank God things didn't work out for her with Burke, I mean … just look at them," Meredith offered candidly, watching the couple turn out of each other's arms.

"I know … she's happy – _madly happy_ – which is something I thought I'd never see … it's good, their timing … was good," Izzie sighed, her mind working through the implications of timing and what it meant in life – _for there was a time for everything_ – a time for babies and marriage and med school and love and death too.

"Yeah…," Meredith breathed. "Timing can be everything," she agreed softly as she watched Cristina pull back from Owen and snap her pager from her hip.

_Cristina stepped away and absentmindedly paced while Owen looked after her for a beat before he turned and headed toward the cabin. Meredith put her free hand up and smiled, Owen did the same as he ascended the steps, shrugging his shoulders against the chilly wind._

"Hey Meri," he smiled brightly, his nickname for her flowing naturally as he instinctively surveyed his dear friend. He leaned down and pulled the ottoman closer before he sat down.

"Hi … and yes, I'm still pregnant," Meredith said with a smile as she met the depth of his eyes.

"I can see that," he chuckled. "Izzie," he smiled tightly and nodded as he sat down next to Meredith.

"Hi Owen," Izzie replied, glad to see the guy relaxing outside the hospital for once.

"So … what's the plan?" Owen asked Meredith hopefully, searching her eyes for a glimmer of … something.

"We'll see Jyothi tomorrow at the house … until then … we're just waiting," she answered with a small smile.

Owen smiled and cocked his head, for Meredith Grey never ceased to amaze him, it truly was _'her will, her way'._ He chuckled and shook his head. "Are you really okay? Any sign of a freak out in our immediate future?" he asked with a wry grin.

_Watching her recall a conversation they had once a long time ago, that morning in the dim hallway between their hotel rooms in Negara, the morning her mother died and she was 'freaked out' and completely immobilized because she saw blood – it was the moment just before she became the mother she was destined to become – the impetus that made her realize she __wanted__ their miracle baby… all within hours before she spoke with Derek for the first time in weeks._

She snorted. "No, no – _this is me … freaked out_ – but you remember that don't you?" she countered softly, her hands on her belly now … _rub, rub, rub._

Cristina pulled the duo from their intense conversation as she shuffled up the steps and huffed into the air all around them. "Anything?" she asked Meredith, the caustic tone gone from her voice as she addressed her dearest friend – _almost a mother, but most certainly a mother already_ – her eyes wavering, checking, scanning.

"Nope," Meredith answered with a snort, one that was closely echoed by Izzie's as she draped her arm around Meredith's shoulders and squeezed.

"What can you do – _there are things one can do_ – you know … to induce," she said seriously.

_Her eyes catching on the clarity of Meredith's as she spoke – for she knew she was fine and that they still had some time to wait for the baby – but the doctor in her took over anyway, despite Meredith's best intentions to do this thing naturally; she couldn't help but think about what could be done medically. She sat down on the edge of the chair and made brief eye contact with both Izzie and Owen, looking for help. The pair just shrugged._

"Oh, there's plenty we can do," Meredith snickered, her eyes darting from Cristina's back to Owen's. "According to that book there," she said, pointing toward the table with her thumb. "We can do lots of things … like have lots of sex," she reported evenly, watching Owen's ruddy cheeks turn bright red. "Or there's this one, the best one –_'erogenous message'_ – which let me tell you," she said, wanting to see how much Owen could take in the mix. "I'd want to try even if I wasn't forty-one weeks pregnant –"

Owen cleared his throat and stood abruptly, the women in a fit of giggles at his expense. Cristina pulled on the bottom of his jacket attempting to get him to stay, but he pulled away. "You," he grinned like a fool, pointing at Meredith. "Are most definitely not freaked out!" he exclaimed with a bright smile. "And … I need a beer," he laughed walking toward the door, narrowly escaping the more intimate conversation he was sure the women would have more comfortably in his absence.

_Meredith giggled and smiled at her friends as Izzie swiped the book from the table and flipped to the pictorial on favorable pregnant sex positions, watching now as Cristina's eyes bulged, cocking her head to the side. Their eyes locked – old friend to old friend, most trust friend to most trusted friend – she had to agree, as uncomfortable as she was, she would try her best to be calm and collected and wait for the timing to be right – so, no, no, she was most definitely not freaked out – which actually freaked her out a little bit now that she thought about it. _

###

Later, Derek put the last of the dishes in the dishwasher and set the cycle to start – _a quiet hum filled the space_ – he pushed the dimmer down and the flood lights disappeared. He crossed the small space, closed the flue and headed down to the bedroom to slip into bed with his lover, likely the last night they would sleep at home without the baby. Smiling now, he entered the bedroom only to stop in his tracks upon spotting Meredith in the far corner of the enclave.

She was naked and so very pregnant – _and full of the life of them, their creation, their contribution to the world_ – her belly was large and round and low and she couldn't see her feet anymore, he mused with a small private smile. Tears of mixed emotion clouded his vision _– joy and happiness, wonder and excitement, fear and anticipation_ – and so much more coursed through his veins and pulsed into each beat of his heart. He was blessed, pure and simple.

He collected himself and watched his woman apply some lotion to her belly –_ rub, rub, rub, her stroke both gentle and soothing –_ her skin still pink and damp from her shower. She was a vision. She was mystifying. She slipped an oversized vee neck tee shirt on and leaned forward, scrutinizing the faint gray circles under her eyes, _'bags'_ she called them.

"You look beautiful," Derek whispered from his same spot. She turned to find him; her shy smile struck him as she shook her head, wordlessly denying his statement. "You _are," _he insisted with a knowing smile. "Come to bed," he requested softly, moving to her side of the bed, he held the linens up and back for her.

She smiled and crossed the room, her footsteps slow and purposeful … and careful as she came to stand in front of her lover, her belly rubbing against his as she leaned up and kissed the underside of his neck, breathing him in as she did. "Our last night at home without the baby," she sighed into his neck, her voice hitched. She slipped into bed.

Derek slipped in after her – _the linens cool to the touch_ – he moved towards Meredith's heat, coming to rest behind her, his hand instinctively draping over her round, taut belly_, safe, safe, safe_. "How do you feel?" he asked into her damp tresses, he inhaled a deep breath of her essence, _Bali, Bali, Bali_ … he closed his eyes and he was back there for a moment in time.

"Big and frustrated and disabled and helpless," she sighed, she felt him move even closer.

"What can I do for you?" he asked, doing his best not to hover. "Besides _'erogenous massage'_," he kidded, having already agreed to not trying any induction methods until they were at the house, closer to the hospital.

"Hold me, love me – _don't let me freak out_ – just do what you're doing," she suggested, linking her hand with his.

"I can do that," he said before he pressed a lingering kiss to her neck.

Meredith relaxed into Derek's heat and closed her eyes for a beat – _she was tired, exhausted even_ – _so_ uncomfortable she found it hard to completely relax and fall asleep with ease. Tomorrow was big – _tomorrow could be the baby's birthday_ – and in just a few short hours it would be tomorrow … tomorrow … tomorrow could be the day their lives were changed for … ever.

She opened her eyes and spotted their weekly pregnancy book on her bedside table – _a book they had ceremoniously finished last week_ – for there were no more chapters to read, they had reached the end of their weekly ritual. She smiled tightly, a small amount of angst consuming her – _longing now for that weekly reprieve _– that small slice of time that belonged only to them. She focused on the table there again and spotted her a small photo album – _photos of her belly from about her twentieth week on_ – the end result: _a timeless photo journal. _

Without thinking, she moved from Derek's heat and reached over to grab the photo book along with the small envelope of new photos that lay on top. She laboriously rolled over and handed met Derek's blue eyes in the dim light. "I never added those last photos," she sighed, flipping the book open, she lay in on the bed between them. "I miss our weekly book," she muttered as she opened the envelope of new photos.

"Me too … here, let me," Derek said softly, flipping the book open while Meredith pulled the new photos out.

_He looked up and watched her survey the first few shots he had taken just last week – she turned one to its side and cocked her head, her cheeks heated to a bright crimson red and he knew she'd seen the few he snapped without her knowledge – a small smile spread across her face, her free hand falling to her belly now. Derek didn't say anything and couldn't help but smile before he turned back to the photo journal. His eyes moving over the pages as he slowly flipped to the back … Meredith's belly, growing bigger and bigger, week after week, right before his eyes. He looked up and away from the recent past and right into the eyes of his future as their gazes met somewhere in the middle._

"Do you remember this one?" he asked, brushing his fingertips along the photo, a moment in history, Meredith's black cashmere sweater riding up just enough to reveal her round little belly, twenty-two week's worth of baby. He watched his lover's face light up at the memory.

"Hmm, I do," she whispered, shifting a little closer to him, she reached out and placed her hand along his cheekbone. "I felt the baby for the first time," she mused, her voice soft and reflective, her heart racing now.

"You did," Derek sighed, meeting her shining eyes for a long moment, he leaned over and kissed her, brushing his lips over hers until she relaxed a bit more.

"And then _you_ did," she replied, flipping the pages forward – _once, twice_ – to a picture she managed to take from her vantage point whilst Derek was napping one afternoon, her focal point: _his_ _hand resting over the bare flesh of her smallish baby bump_ … a point in time she would never forget, for the baby kicked against his palm for the first time a short while after she'd taken the shot.

"I did," he mused, thinking back to the moment – _the baby's strong, yet barely there kick against his palm_ – his heart pinching with love now just like it did then.

_Meredith turned her attention back to the photographs from the last two weeks; Derek peeked up and waited for her to say something … anything. He flipped to the back of the photo book and smiled when she held his secret photo opportunity up and met his eyes again._

"You can blame that damn leaky faucet on this one," she teased, her face bright red as she rolled closer to Derek and planted a lingering kiss upon his lips. "I had no idea," she breathed, tears reaching her dancing, happy eyes.

"I know," he replied, his own eyes pricked with joyous tears now. "I … the photo, it's so … _you_, it's something else … I love it," he chuckled, looking down as he inserted the fortieth week photo into its place for all time. "Part of me wants all the faucets around here to leak, if it means I can come home to _that, _would you blame me?" he kidded lightly.

"Well, I fixed it … I needed to, it was driving me stark raving mad," Meredith giggled, watching her lover's amusement linger along his handsome features.

"Well, you're a woman of many talents," he said with a low growl, eliciting a giggle from his lover as he set the book open between them, his hand on her belly now as they looked at the photo together for a short time.

The photo was one of a timeless treasure; it was beautiful image and message, both implicit and explicit of the laboring woman's perspective, it said – _'I can do this, I was made to do this and don't mess with me while I do'_ – it said that and so much more as it came from Meredith Grey, the strongest woman (_outside of his mother_) Derek had ever met. He flicked his eyes to hers and stared at her – _he was inspired, awestruck by her and all she could do_ – he kissed her cheek before he scrutinized the photo again. Meredith hunkered down, rolling into Derek's heat as she surveyed his handiwork_ – her hand found her belly, 'come on baby' – _she mused as she took in the image, letting the power of the unintentional message sink in.

###

_For at the time she was frustrated and irritated by the constant drip of water – splat, splat, splat – a byproduct of a loose valve connected to their bathroom faucet. In the days prior, she had asked Derek to fix it – but as late nights bled into even longer days, the faucet dripped on and on – and in the end, she had moved to sleep on the leather sofa in the living room, while the annoying drip, drip, drip, dripped on and on and on in their bedroom. _

_She chocked her annoyance up to pregnancy, her fuse having gone from a million miles long to about a half a mile in the last few weeks alone – emotions were running high – and some small things just seemed to get the better of her and add to that an aggravated sciatic nerve that pinched with pain whenever she stood up from the sofa after laying down. So, in a heat of frustration, she hopped into the truck, made her way to a local hardware store and picked up the quintessential 'do it yourself' book, 'The Reader's Digest Do it Yourself Manual'. _

_Later that evening, she took a shower and was at the sink brushing her teeth when the drip, drip, drip infiltrated her rambling thoughts and in that instant, she had had enough! Exiting the bathroom without bothering to get dressed, she came to sit back on the pillows against the headboard of their bed and read everything there was to learn about fixing leaky faucets. She could do this – she remembered thinking – she was a fucking surgeon and that's what they did, they fixed people for crying out loud! _

_Opening the hardback book, she propped herself against the pillows and raised her knees, making room for her burgeoning belly in the mix. She held the book up with her hands and balanced it on her knees and began to read, her face concealed by the easel of the book, the apex of her womanhood completely visible, her raised knees somewhat open, her beautiful belly, both round and perfect and low – forty weeks worth of baby – the message, the book title: 'Do it Yourself' … Move the baby! Deliver the baby! And do it yourself!_

_And so it was within these stolen moments alone, with her book perched upon her knees, that Derek did indeed come home and snapped this image of her – this indelible, yet unintentional message within the photograph – with the dim light casting a long shadow across her belly in front of the book, the angled line of light somehow showcasing the rolls of her body, the swell of her breasts, her fuller cleavage … her naked sex – with the intricate definition of her vaginal opening, the very essence of her 'womanhood' on display – she could see why Derek was so captivated by the her power and like he said … it was so very …'her'._

_###_

"_I'm proud of you,"_ came her lover's soothing voice, pulling her from her swirling thoughts, she met his eyes. "It's almost the beginning," he prophesized with a smile.

Meredith closed the photo journal and handed to Derek with a satisfied smile on her face. He reached over and set it on the night table before he closed the light, making an end to another day of … waiting for their miracle to come to them.

"It is, any time now … any day now," she murmured, Derek's free arm encircling her belly now, his fingertips moving in soothing circles along her bare flesh.

"When the timing's right," he encouraged, they would all be fine, _baby, baby, baby_, he sighed with contentment as he felt Meredith grow heavier in his arms, he kissed her neck, her sweet Balinese essence grounded him.

"The timing already is _– right for us_ – there's nothing I would change, not even the waiting," Meredith said as she held his hand in hers and kissed it. "I love you," she whispered.

"I love you … and our timing, I really, really do," Derek whispered in return before he pushed his nose into the crease of her neck and closed his eyes.

_And as he burrowed deeper, eyes closed on another day of waiting and waiting – Derek embraced his would-be family and thought about timing and how it had this way of just – presenting itself. _

_And just as he and Meredith firmly believed, timing was everything. And this baby was no different – for this baby was a Shepherd __and__ a Grey – and for things to work out in 'their' universe, as they had learned … their timing had to create its own path and destiny and to this point, he and Meredith knew they were simply … bystanders to the miracle of their byproduct. _

_And so, they would wait for their perfect timing and the miracle and blessing of their destiny and fate to become their reality … and they would wait as long as this little baby would make them._

**Epilogue – Into the Mystic – Part 2 of 6 to follow.**


	55. Epilogue, Into the Mystic, Part 2 of 6

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al. **

**Author's Note: I just read through this section again just now, and I have to say … I really do love how this story came together … the energy is nothing less than sublime (in my opinion). And now I wait to read yours. Please let me know what you think and how you feel and if you never thought to comment before, give it a try. Enjoy!**

**Epilogue – Into the Mystic – Part 2 of 6**

Derek sat on the edge of the bed, one hand resting on top of Meredith's as she lay on her side situated on the middle of her bed – _the baby rolled under their touch_ – he smiled and glanced briefly at his lover, taking in the fluidity of her endless green eyes as they sparkled against the early afternoon shadows of her old room, dancing and swaying … the wind kicking up outside, he glanced through the window and followed the direction of the small triangle of filtered light as it lay across Meredith's beautiful pregnant belly _– with her skin still heated from her recent shower,_ _her damp tresses piled on top of her head_, _her cheeks flushed, ruby red_, her e_yes wide open and ready_ – she was stunning … she took his breath away without even trying.

_His mind naturally wandered now – thinking about all of the times they made love in this room, heated with passion, secret pains, clandestine feelings and mad, mad love – for he loved her madly, even then … even when he had no right to – he did, he knew that now – he loved her and without a doubt in his mind he knew they were destined to meet …and work it out … and arrive right here, right now. _

_And yet, he still wanted more – envisioned more – his conversation with his mother the other day solidified that much, for as much as Derek loved the state of their relationship – a small part of him, this traditionalist within him – wanted to formally ask Meredith to marry him …before the baby was born._

_Smiling on the inside now, he recalled that conversation with his mother, a point in time that things changed for them, for now and forever. And he didn't need to see her face to know that she was looking at him differently, that she was immensely proud of him for changing the path of his life, his destiny to pursue happiness … to pursue Meredith and make a full life with her._

_And inside this conversation, his mother twisted his heart ever so slightly, very gently with the offering of a very small, but powerful gift. This gift to him and to Meredith – this gift of her most cherished engagement ring – a ring that withstood the test of time (his father's untimely death included), a ring … a symbol … that truly meant undying love … and so much more to her … a ring she would hand to her son with an open palm of acceptance as if to say –'the symbol of undying love belongs to you' – because Meredith was 'the one' … the only one for him._

Derek blinked, saving a small set of tears from crashing along his cheeks – _his mother would arrive here soon, her flight had already landed, it was a matter of time now _– where change and momentum and growth would transpire thereafter. He smiled, he was going to ask Meredith to marry him – _his question, pure and simple and full of love and adoration _– he just needed to ask.

Meredith shifted under her own weight, wincing as she rolled from her side to her back, reclining ever so slightly against the pillows, her feet touching the side of the bed. She wore one of his button down shirts and nothing else; periwinkle and white pinstripes _– the shirt falling open to reveal her pink and swollen belly, full of life, a colorful jade sari was draped over her pelvic bones and thighs _– Derek felt the baby roll again and he looked down, the shape of Meredith's belly contorted, he turned to face her, but she was unfazed by the movement and that amazed him, even still … even now.

Derek leaned down and pressed a kiss to Meredith's temple, she leaned into his gesture, her free hand flying up to the nape of his neck where it stayed while she tilted her head up and kissed him senseless for a long minute – _the air between them was hot and humid and mango-infused, he sucked on her lips, eliciting a moan from his lover_ – before leaning to kiss her with more intensity now, he felt her relax in his arms as he moved his lips to her neck just under her ear – _breathing her in, love, love, love_ – kissing her sweet flesh there before he whispered to her.

"I love you," he muttered as he pulled back, her eyes glassy and full of tangled emotions.

"And I love you … so much," Meredith whispered in return. "Anytime now," she sighed as she kissed him one last time, _soft and quick._

The floor creaked and Jyothi entered the room from the bathroom, she smiled beautifully, her eyes full of happiness, her aura relaxed – _and therein it was true,_ _peace and harmony followed her_ – just as the sun followed Ketut.

"Ready?" she asked softly, her voice billowed into the space all around them.

Derek watched Jyothi smile at Meredith as she nodded in assent, the women communicating without words now as he closed his eyes for a beat – _listening to the faint call of Bali as it whistled in the wind just outside_ – the force of the air, strong, but the message it carried with it, even more powerful. Derek opened his eyes and squeezed Meredith's hand; she lay back again and raised her knees, moving her tush closer to the edge of the bed. Jyothi sat down on the edge of the bed; she pulled the sari away and slipped on a pair of latex gloves. Derek cocked his head – _noticing how the crescent shadow of Meredith's belly shrouded the apex of her womanhood_ – her core … her center … she was beautiful.

"So this might be uncomfortable, relax your hips for me," Jyothi requested softly before she applied some lubricant to her fingers. Her eyes flicked to Meredith's where they stayed. "You'll feel my fingers, open your knees for me," she instructed as she began the exam.

Meredith winced – _her vaginal muscles tensed against the unwelcome intrusion of Jyothi's gentle touch_ – her hand still connected with Derek's over the baby, her free hand resting on her heart now, _boom-boom, boom-boom._ She blinked hard and kept her eyes focused on the deep, dark pools she found in Jyothi's gateways, watching the trusted midwife's face for a reaction – _a sign, a clue_ – to what she might be feeling … but all she saw was calm, still water, nothing but the depths of the ocean, low tide in the middle of the night when no one was around to see it.

She felt an immense amount of pressure, the baby rolled, the shadows danced on and on, her belly tightened along with her vaginal walls – _Derek rubbed her moving flesh, 'there, there'_ – he said without words. Meredith felt his eyes on her, but she didn't dare look at him, for she captivated by her buoy _– her savior for the moment_ – losing herself in Jyothi's beautiful brown complexion and the way her natural color popped against her crinkly ecru top. Smiling on the inside now as she found the apples of her ripened cheeks – _naturally blushed, of course_ – and the way her raven locks fell across her forehead and framed her angel-heart face.

"Just breathe _– slow, deep breaths –_ just another minute longer," Jyothi cooed, locking her calm eyes with Meredith … _relax, relax._

Meredith smiled slightly at the midwife's choice of words – _'slow, deep breaths'_ – Derek's voice funneled though her mind now too. And so with his voice and her words, Meredith did just that – _she took a calming breath of the familiar, sweet island air that followed her; she closed her eyes_ – the wind howled outside, a tree branch scraped against the window – _her mother's old window_ – and her own gateway to the world when it was a darker and more lonesome place.

She breathed again – _more pressure_ – Jyothi's entire hand inside of her opening now … her center … her core so safe and yet vulnerable too. Closing her eyes for a beat, she focused _–'just breathe, slow, deep breaths' –_ she whispered in that place deep inside herself … her vision lost on the scene all around her, the calming peace of the _'Zen cottage'_ was there too, just a glimmer, just enough for now.

Meredith opened her eyes as she readied herself – _opening her heart and mind and spirit now –_ relaxing her vaginal muscles, her knees following suit. She focused on the dancing shadows again as they swayed along the walls, their movement haphazard … their purpose unknown … their fluidity unmatched … their lull exactly what she needed.

_She took a calming breath again and turned her head, her eyes falling on her mother's urn this time – and all of a sudden the inertia of a perfect storm was upon her again, the swell of the waves rose and fell and a powerful surge of emotion swallowed her whole – she was lost … but not alone, for the lonesome past she shared with her mother resided in this room – and that energy, still lingering today, was just enough to finally say goodbye to – for her future awaited her, now including the baby she would birth inside this very room._

_And so now she reflected on those private stolen moments where she first dared herself to fall in love with Derek Shepherd in the first place, before any of the rest of it happened – and inside __this__ private moment those earlier moments truly became the indelible memories that did indeed change the course of her history – her fate … and her destiny … and put her right here, right now. Karma, it turned out to be a beautiful thing._

_Fever pricked her skin and an unforeseen shiver ripped up her spine as she let go of her mother once and for all, taking a long look at the urn – the shadows danced, welcoming her newfound freedom – the wind kicked up and raged against the house, moving the tree outside her window along with it – the silhouettes went wild, swirl, swirl, swirl – akin to the reflective movement of lapping water against the bottom of a shallow pool._

_And then suddenly just like that, the shadows stopped and the room became brighter – and the world stopped spinning – and all that remained was her future. Tears clouded her eyes, but in no way did they shroud her vision, for she let them slip free, free, free of their own accord – the room remained bright, Jyothi found her eyes and asked her without words, was she okay – she smiled weakly and nodded in assent as she let go of her mother and symbolically bade farewell to the shadows … for now and forever._

Derek kept his eyes trained on Jyothi's for several minutes, watching her intense focus, looking for a sign, an indicator … anything from the joyful healer. He heard Meredith sniffle and he looked back to find tiny tears splashing along her face. He saw the midwife look beyond his lover's opening and listened as she murmured some words of encouragement – _'relax, slow, deep breaths'_ – before he leaned down and whispered to Meredith himself.

"Meredith?" he asked, his heart pinched with worry, _what, what, what?_

_Meredith heard his call – but was lost within the disappearance of the deep shadows as her heart raced – thinking now about her room in Negara and the dancing shadows and how she lost her mother and became one herself on that morning all those months ago – 'slow, deep breaths' – she heard Derek's soothing tone both then and now, his words so poignant, his presence so … available and tangible now (versus his aura she had been living with at the time). Another set of tears slipped free as her mind wandered to the warmth of Bali and Ketut and Wayan and the Zen cottage and falling in love over and over and over again and only then did she fully relax and submit to Jyothi's exam in mind, body and spirit._

"_Meredith,"_ came Derek's voice again.

"I'm okay," she answered, grounding herself; she found her lover's eyes and relaxed her hips for the midwife, she felt pressure again, intense … but more manageable this time.

Derek smiled and rested his hand along Meredith's high cheekbone. "You're okay," he agreed softly, locking his eyes with is lover's where they stayed.

Jyothi removed her fingers, a satisfied grin played along her face. She smiled at Meredith and then at Derek, trying to calm the new parents without words. She removed her gloves and set them down on the small tray she laid upon the bed. She grabbed her fetoscope, resting the wide flat end low against Meredith's belly and found the baby's heartbeat with ease as she put her ear up to the narrow end – _boom-boom-boom-boom_ – the strong willed baby's heart beat on and on and on as she took the measurement. Smiling broadly, she pulled away … everything was perfectly well within the normal range. She draped the sari back over Meredith's belly as Derek helped his lover sit up and back against the pillows there.

"One hundred and forty-two beats per minute, nice strong heartbeat," she murmured, taking in Meredith's more relaxed face, her pretty green eyes not so dark or cloudy now. "I would have expected nothing less," she encouraged, her eyes shining with excitement.

"Still perfect," Meredith breathed, her belly relaxing again, her own heart simmering _down, down, down._

"Perfection," Derek said softly before he leaned down and pressed a lingering kiss to Meredith's temple. "Just like you," he whispered for her ears only, Meredith giggled and he smiled, knowing his woman was becoming more relaxed again; he kissed her perfect lips, _soft and quick._

Jyothi made a quick note of the baby's heart rate in her chart. She looked up to find the couple completely captivated by one another; she smiled on their love and said a small silent prayer … _'may they always be this happy and playful and blessed with their perfect timing'_. Derek looked up to find her looking on and he smiled – _this boyish smile she had often seen_ – the one that made her believe he hadn't always been a world-class neurosurgeon. She returned his smile in kind and met Meredith's eyes … the worry of the storm that had encapsulated her was receding quickly now, minute by minute.

"So, Meredith … as you might know, your cervix prepares for birth by softening and thinning, when your cervix is normal, it measures at zero percent – _as it softens the percentage gets higher and higher_ – at one hundred percent, you are thinned out and ready for delivery," she stated evenly. Meredith nodded in assent. "Right now, you are about seventy-five percent effaced … which is great news," she encouraged.

"So this is progress," Meredith beamed, mystified by her body and its intuition … all of this happening without a single physical sensation. _Amazing_.

"Wow," Derek murmured, his eyes falling to Meredith's belly where he rested his hand. _Amazing, he looked into Meredith's eyes for a beat, silently connecting … 'you amaze me," _he said without words before he turned back to Jyothi. "How about dilation?" he asked hopefully.

"Well, dilation, as you know is measured in centimeters, from zero to ten," she replied. "Right now, your cervix is dilated at two centimeters – _so we're getting close_ – moving in the right direction," she encouraged softly.

"What does this mean?" asked Meredith hopeful relief, finally some momentum, some movement in the right direction … tears of happiness pricked her eyes.

"It means, a couple more days … two or three tops," Jyothi replied, her eyes calm and her smile genuine.

"What do we do, if anything at all?" Derek asked, hoping to garner some hope to ease Meredith's discomfort.

"The best thing you can do is relax – _the baby is fine and has sufficient amniotic fluid, just keep yourself hydrated_ – as far as induction methods, we won't try anything for another couple of days," she smiled, also knowing Meredith was ready … and waiting. "In the end, it's the timing, the timing will present itself," she supported. "Take some private time and focus on something else for a little bit, spend some time … just the two of you together," she advised.

_Derek smiled as he watched the women for a beat – thinking now about his own form of distraction – his proposal … giving some more thought as to where he might like to ask Meredith. Initially, he thought to take her for a short walk to the foothills of the Tiger Mountain Trail – their old backdrop, those times when it was just the two of them and they could let the barriers down, if even for a short while – but the more he thought about it, he really wanted to ask her on more sacred ground. He smiled tightly when he had a great idea … the perfect place in mind now._

"So, wait and relax … see, just like Larissa and Ketut said too," Derek chuckled, ribbing Meredith for picking her friends' brains for advice earlier this morning.

"Yeah, yeah," she muttered in defeat, although her smile betrayed her disappointment … she was happy … she was two centimeters dilated, _'come on baby'_.

Jyothi closed her chart, stood and slipped it into her bag. She took the small tray and slid its contents into the small waste can just inside the bathroom door before she crossed the room and sat down on the other side of Meredith. A small smile played along her face before she spoke.

"You will start feeling small changes over the next couple of days – _if you're tired, sleep; if you want to get out, go for a walk; if you want to make love, do it _– how you handle your urges is up to you," she said playfully, her eyes shining, her heart open to sharing her knowledge and encouraging Meredith to own this time in her life. "You are a strong woman, just relax and let your body tell you when it's time, okay?" she asked, she pressed her warm healing hand over the baby and smiled.

"Thank you Jyothi," Meredith sighed, for she always loved the last few minutes of her visits with the midwife – _her wisdom, her compassion and her strength left a lasting impression_ – one that Meredith found she could revel in long after she departed. _Yeah, she could do this … wait for the timing, wait for her body to catch up with her intellectual mind, 'come on baby.'_

"I will call you tomorrow, unless I hear from you first," she smiled at the couple as she helped Meredith sit up properly.

Meredith pulled the sari low around her waist, tying it off like a pro before she hugged Jyothi, her pregnant belly well into the mix now as she basked in the radiation of the midwife's peace for a brief moment.

"I'll walk you out," Derek smiled, for now he wanted to ask Jyothi some questions of his own. "Be right back," he whispered to Meredith before he pressed a kiss to her lips. "I'll even bring you a cup of tea and some fresh mango … and maybe even my mother," he laughed, catching the hour on his watch.

"I'm gonna call Cristina and then maybe take another quick shower …I'll meet you downstairs in a little bit," Meredith smiled, once again feeling relaxed and ready to keep on waiting. Everything was fine, more than fine, Derek's mom was almost here, she was two centimeters dilated and the baby was happy … everything was as it should be.

###

_Derek followed Jyothi down the steps to the foyer with one thing on his mind: going home with Meredith tomorrow. He'd take her tonight, but he was scheduled for a craniotomy this afternoon, which would put him back here too late. He smiled inside thinking about Meredith's reaction to him wanting to be at home – she was a smart woman – and after the fight he put up about being close to the hospital for the baby, she for sure would know something was up … but he didn't care, he had a plan and he just wanted to propose to her, the right way._

"So, what's on your mind?" the astute healer asked as she stepped off the last step and turned to find Derek, she reached out and lay her hand along his forearm, finding his eyes in the dim light cascading through the window panes of the front door.

Derek smiled. This was precisely why he liked Jyothi, for she had this keen ability to read both he and Meredith – _oftentimes preempting their verbalization _– always on _their_ side. "I … find I'm feeling pretty helpless here Jyothi," Derek admitted freely. "I don't know what to do for Meredith while we're waiting," he elaborated.

Jyothi stepped closer to Derek – _he was a bright man, very kind and gentle and caring for Meredith_ – but at the same time he didn't treat her like she was a fragile porcelain doll and she liked that. He loved her and wanted the best for her and she could tell this was about Meredith, not about him … _which pleased her_. She liked her male clients to feel better without making them feel incapable of taking care of their women.

"Derek, Meredith is tense – _she's a ball of nerves on the inside_ – and right now, that doesn't mean too much, but in another couple of days it will … she needs to relax, she almost needs to forget she's pregnant," Jyothi counseled, locking her eyes with Derek's as his scanned her face, _back and forth_. "What do you think she needs?" she empowered with her question.

Derek chuckled and shook his head. "Connectivity …," Derek answered. "Last night she told me just to love her … and to not let her freak out," he remembered with a small smile; he took a deep breath. "You know … my mother's on her way here," Derek sighed and smiled. "I … well, this is going to sound selfish to you … but …," he defended, thinking out loud now.

"Go on," she encouraged with a smile.

"I want to ask Meredith to marry me," he breathed, Jyothi smiled. "I've asked her once before and we both know we're going to be married when the time is right, but I have this – _desire to ask her_ – to slip a ring on her finger before she gives birth," he admitted.

"You're a traditionalist," she deemed carefully.

"Yes … yeah, I am … but this, it goes back to something she said to me once – _she wants this baby to be a Shepherd, she's firm on that_ – and I just, I understand that and want to honor that – _and I want her to be 'promised' to be a Shepherd too_ – both mother _and_ child," he rambled on and on, keeping his eyes trained on the midwife for reaction.

"Well, that's certainly a distraction and a worthy one at that," Jyothi said thoughtfully, unable to keep her smile a bay.

"For some reason I think she'll feel the timing is right too," he reflected, feeling marginally better.

"You know her well," Jyothi smiled widely just thinking about Derek's proposal now.

"I do _… now I do," _he breathed, finding her peaceful eyes, her head encircled by the light coming from the windows behind her. "Ah … earlier you said that maybe we should spend some time together – _just the two of us_ – and that got me thinking that I'd like to take her home tomorrow for the day … ask her out on our land," he thought aloud. "What are your thoughts on that … being out there versus here like we planned?" he solicited openly.

"I think she won't start laboring intensely for another couple of days, so sure … go ahead and ask her and enjoy each other in your home," she smiled genuinely, noticing the easiness returning to Derek's eyes again as she set her bag down on the foyer table and peeked inside. "Derek," she said, pushing her black hair behind her ears as she looked up. "I'd like to recommend something for you and Meredith to try whilst you are together tomorrow," she smiled. Looking down again, she pulled two small paperback books from her bag along with two small bottles in a Ziploc bag. "Meredith expressed an interest in massage as a method for labor induction and while many believe these methods are unfounded, they do work for some … who are open to the process," she recounted, her eyes flicked to Derek's where they stayed.

"'_Tantric and Yoni Massage Rituals'_," he mused, looking down at the books, surveying their titles.

"Yes, now … I'll caution you– _as you make your way through the books_ – you'll see areas where I'll instruct you to skip or to change your method or focal point because Meredith is pregnant," she educated, Derek flipped through the pages, noting Jyothi's recognizable scroll in the margins here and there.

"So, basically, avoid the back massage and direct strokes and pressure to her belly," Derek surmised, meeting her calm dark eyes.

"Yes, avoid massaging her belly and make sure she is propped up, not completely flat on her back," Jyothi instructed.

Derek sighed, he was a quick study, could read a book in no time, he could perform complex surgeries – _but this was Meredith and their baby and when it came down to it_ – he just didn't want to do anything wrong. "What if I can't help her get there … what if I do something wrong?" he asked pointedly.

"You know, you'll see, even if you've never done this before – _it will come somewhat naturally, you and Meredith are already connected _– more so than most couples, so just relax … this will take you to a whole new level, if you let it," Jyothi counseled sighed. "Remember, she is very interested in this idea of opening her sexuality as she prepares for birth and this might relax her just enough to take her to the next level of self-awareness, both spiritually and physically," she mused lightly.

"So, what do you recommend? I don't want to overwhelm her … this all seems, so intense," he replied, thumbing through the pages, making note of some of the linguistic terms as well as the illustrations now.

"Well … the methods are intense and extremely personal, but if one is open and accepting, it's beautiful," she reflected as she focused in the bright blue flecks she found in his eyes. "A starting point would be a slow, ritualistic tantric breast massage … from there, I would advise a nice and gentle yoni massage – _'yoni' is the Sanskrit word for 'Divine Temple', or 'vagina'_ – once you read on, you may feel comfortable enough to do this for Meredith – _to allow her to connect with her womanhood, her sexuality_ – and assist her in becoming ready to birth," she sighed wistfully.

"And I should use this oil?" Derek asked, holding the bag up to take a closer look.

"Yes, both bottles are evening primrose oil," Jyothi reported. "Evening primrose oil is a proven source of prostaglandins – _evidence has corroborated that the substance can aid in readying the cervix for labor _– mind you, it does not induce labor … but should you and Meredith feel comfortable enough to delve into internal yoni massage – _using this oil can't hurt_ – it can only help ripen her cervix when her body is ready," she sighed thoughtfully.

Derek chuckled. "You know, Meredith is very interested in these rituals, she made sure to tell me as much – _and I'm sure even if she wasn't pregnant_ – she pretty much wants to do this," he mused with a wry grin.

"And you?" Jyothi asked, raising her brow. "I only ask because both partners really must to want to open themselves up to explore together – _the giving and the receiving channels are cracked open here_ – albeit gently, but there is a fair amount of exposure here … so in order to give, you too have to open yourself up to the principals," she coached.

"I love Meredith and I'm open with her – _an open book, there are no secrets between us now_ – hmm … I learned a long time ago, she's the one person I'll never have to hide from," he declared with a reflective smile. "And so I want what she wants, what she's willing to … trust me with … and receive from me," he answered, full of truth and honesty.

"Well, I think this is for you then … for the pair of you. These massage rituals are ancient and beautiful and a wonderful way to connect as a couple – _they were not originated for the pregnant woman, I'm sure of that_ – but I do think as a method of relaxation and readying of one's self for the intensity of labor … they can be enriching and quite beautiful and even life-altering," she reflected with ease and confidence.

"I think Meredith will be amenable to this and I've gotta say, I'm intrigued," Derek smiled, cocking his head as he took in one of the more detailed illustrations. He heard Jyothi giggle; he looked up to find her playful eyes.

"It's intense … and wonderful, trust me," she smiled, grasping Derek's free hand as she winked. "I must take leave," she offered as a parting sentiment.

Derek opened the door and held it for her, she snaked her hand low around his back and squeezed his side slightly. "Congratulations," she whispered; her persona full of peace and love. "You're a lovely couple … so much to look forward to already," she mused.

"Thanks Jyothi … for everything," Derek sighed happily, pressing a kiss to her warm brown cheek as he did.

She smiled in return and took her leave. Derek closed the door after her and slipped the books and massage oils into his briefcase smirking now; it looked like he had some studying to do before tomorrow.

_Sighing with relief, he took a deep calming breath and made his way to the kitchen to make some tea and slice that mango before his mother's arrival – so far everything was as it should be – Meredith's body was preparing for labor, her spirits were high, albeit her emotions running even higher … she was happy, she was healthy, she was whole and healed and ready … and so was he._

###

And those were the very thoughts still running through his mind a half hour later as Derek held his mother's diamond ring up to the filtered light in the kitchen. "I forgot how beautiful I always thought this was," he smiled thoughtfully meeting her eyes. "When I was a kid, I remember playing with it, trying to see the rainbows trapped in its reflection," he mused softly. "Thank you," he breathed, emotion bubbling to the surface now, his heart racing – _thump, thump_ – the magnitude of her gift still hitting him hard.

"Your father always wanted you to have this ring … for the right girl," Carolyn smiled, the velvety soft timbre of her voice encapsulating her words as they hung in the small space between them. She smiled, locking her eyes with her boy's, no additional words needed to be spoken – _for in her mind the matter had been settled the moment she met Meredith all those months ago _– Derek had finally found _'the one'_. "Meredith, she brings light where there's darkness … she's lovely, you know how I feel about her," she mused softly of the woman who would one day soon be her daughter-in-law and even sooner, the mother of her newest grandbaby.

"She is and she does – _bring light to my life_ – she's happy now, happier than she's ever been before," Derek answered, still twirling the ring back and forth – _watching the facets of the diamond sparkle on and on_ – he looked up to find his mother's whimsical smile.

"You're blessed," she deemed, taking one last look at the ring.

_Her own thrill and excitement getting the better of her now as a small tear of joy slipped from her eye, her gaze trained on her old, timeless symbol of true and undying love. Her heart pinched somewhere deep inside her chest – pinch, pinch, pinch – yes, it was true, her son was finally happy._

"We are," Derek said, pulling his mother into a tight hug, swaying with her in his arms, saying a small wish that his father was here too, oh how he would have loved Meredith.

She pulled away from her son first and smiled widely. "Now, put that away before Meredith sees it," she chuckled, handing him a small black velvet box. "And tell me when you plan to use it," she chided gently, moving toward a small bowl of mangos that sat on the counter. Eying them carefully, she picked the ripest one.

Derek chuckled and set the ring deep inside the velveteen box before he stealthily put the entire package in the pocket of his fleece jacket. "Jyothi's okay with the idea of us going home for the day tomorrow, so I think we'll go home and I'll ask her there," he conspired.

"Well, don't rush back, I've asked Mark to make time for me tomorrow night before the baby comes – _did you know he's back with Calliope, I like her a lot, if anyone can keep him in line, it's her _– I can only hope he doesn't screw it up this time," she smirked before she gave Derek a knowing look and handed the ripe mango fruit to him.

"I hope so too and she _is_ good for him, more than he realizes," Derek sighed, smiling now as he began to peel the mango.

_He and his mother worked in relative silence for a moment – she over a plate of assorted cheeses, and he with the mango – slice by slice the sweet fragrant essence of Meredith's obsession twirled up and into the air, the fruit juice coating his fingers as he worked, secretly wondering if her desire for the island treasure would wane once her pregnancy was over – and if it did – how exactly would he feel about that? He smiled broadly, thinking about the sweet taste of her skin and only then did he hope that she would still partake._

"I can't believe her obsession with mangos has sustained itself for this long," Carolyn muttered with a twinkle in her eye as she made a sidelong glance at her son, watching his nimble surgeon fingers cut the juicy fruit with skilled precision …months and months of practice behind him now.

Derek chuckled. "Hmm, I think … it's Bali in part, _especially now_ … it was magical – _the time for her and for us_ – she wants to hold onto it, the essence of the island, and I can't say I blame her," he reflected softly, suddenly a million miles away, standing just outside the _Zen cottage_, peace and tranquility calling for him.

"_Blame me for what?"_ came Meredith's melodic voice from behind them. The pair turned around.

"Meredith!" Carolyn exclaimed softly, taking the young woman's much larger and lower belly – _perfectly silhouetted by a thin ecru peasant-style top and accented by the colorful sarong tied below her belly_ – she was the picture of health with her hair, damp and her cheeks still flushed from her shower. "You are still glowing," she appraised as the young woman walked straight into her arms without hesitation.

"Thank you … for coming," Meredith breathed, exhaling completely. "I'm so happy to have you here," Meredith whispered, welcoming the older woman's warm energy and wisdom …_ hoping, hoping,_ _hoping she would take them up on their offer when the time came. _She pulled back and smiled. "Come, sit," she offered, pulling a chair out as she did.

_Derek smiled as he sat opposite the women and watched as they got right down to business, their conversation revolving around pregnancy and labor and newborns – just as a mother would with a daughter – sighing deep inside at the thought, he said a small prayer for her presence, for with his mother and Jyothi here with them, he was sure they would have the support and guidance they would surely need over the next few days and beyond._

###

That evening Meredith walked downstairs to find Carolyn Shepherd sitting in the living room relaxing like she was the subject of some obscure Normal Rockwell painting no one ever knew about – _the way she sat there reading her magazine, perfectly content in the diffused light_ – well, it all made Meredith wonder how on earth she had ever been nervous about meeting the woman in the first place. _She belonged here with them._

Grimacing slightly, Meredith eased herself into the deep loveseat, her companion who watched her with a practiced eye, wordlessly communicated – _'are you okay, do you need anything'_ – their eyes scanning each other's, back and forth. After a moment Meredith smiled widely – _full circles on her mind, the history, the present meshing together in some kind of absurdly beautiful moment _– a surly giggle escaped from her lips and her cheeks heated without her consent. Carolyn smiled at Meredith's antics, her interest surely piqued as she shook her head, her eyes sparkling with amusement now, just like her son's.

"What's on your mind?" Carolyn asked with a wry grin.

_Meredith snorted; her laughter vibrating though the silence, the house unusually quiet with everyone off at work … a stark difference to how things used to be back when she and Derek first met and they would sneak around and hide their secret feelings from one another and everyone else too, back when she lived the life of a surgical intern, a zombie with a view of the scalpel. _

_She smiled, her eyes clouding over with unshed tears now as she tried think of how to articulate this seemingly massive convergence of reflection, the past, present and future commingling now – her lonely childhood, her father's disappearance, her mother's attempt on her life, boxes and boxes of her belongings, one night stands, her first night with Derek – in this very room … on this very … sofa. With her hands tucked deep inside her oversized hoodie, she sought comfort, solace and rubbed her belly, silently connecting with the baby, 'her' here and now._

_Tiny tears pricked her eyes where they pooled for a long moment before she blinked and they splashed along her face with a will and recourse all their own – all the while faint cries of passion and warbled moans of pleasure rang out for her ears only – for those initial stolen moments with Derek where fate or destiny or karma stepped in and changed their lives forever sometimes filled her mind and heart and everything in between and now, unlike at other more dismal times in her life – she basked in those memories – that changed the course of their personal histories, both together and apart from one another. Another set of unwanted tears splashed along her hot cheeks; she did nothing to stop them._

_Carolyn rose and came to sit next to Meredith as she caught her breath; her whirlwind of emotion, that untamed, undefined swell slowly passing out to sea as she focused on the calm and sure stance of the older woman before she spoke._

"Fate …," Meredith declared evenly with a small smile. "Karma … this house … this room … one night stands," she rambled as her heart beat faster and faster, feeling breathless now as her cheeks turned pink despite her lack of embarrassment with regards to way she and Derek first met. There were no secrets and that was just fine by her.

"Well … karma can be a bitch," Carolyn quipped with snort of her own. "But for you and Derek …," she sighed thoughtfully. "I think you're both where you should be – _together and happy_ – even if that puts you in this very room with me at the moment," she smiled broadly watching Meredith's stance relax slightly.

Meredith chuckled, her dismay over Carolyn Shepherd's practical resolve never ceased to amaze her – _she shifted uncomfortably, the baby rolled _– her stomach contorted as she instinctively rubbed tiny circles over the protrusion, _'there, there'_, she soothed, connecting. She looked into the older woman's eyes for a long second and wondered how she did it all. And then she asked her. "How did you do this five times?" she smirked.

"Pregnancy amnesia," Carolyn retorted playfully, eliciting a giggle from Meredith. "I'm sure you'll suffer from it one day too," she mused, keeping her eyes trained on the young for reaction, although she had to admit – _Meredith Grey was far from a skittish pregnant woman_ – she was happy and enveloped in becoming a mother, which was made evident to Carolyn right away.

"I think I might," Meredith speculated quietly, closing her eyes briefly. She opened them and smiled. "I think I'll miss the baby on the inside," she confessed, a feeling she hadn't verbalized even to Derek yet.

"You might, but you'll see – _once the baby's in the mix_ – things will become busy and life will resume and … well, _at least for me_, I didn't feel the void too much," she encouraged, beyond thrilled to be able to spend some more time with Meredith alone.

_For it was no secret she loved this woman for her son – for everything she added to his life – baby or no baby, she was 'the one' … she was it … and truth be told, Carolyn was a bit fascinated by her – she was bright and strong and soft and sincere – notwithstanding her substandard mother … Meredith came out on top, she was a survivor and Carolyn loved that about her._

Meredith searched Carolyn's eyes for a clue to what she might be thinking, sighing aloud when she felt her left side pinch along her ribs. She shifted her baby weight to the right, trying to alleviate the pressure; she rubbed her belly – _the baby safe and sound and happy _– on the inside. A small shadow of doubt worked its way through her mind _– the usual doubt, typical doubt for any pregnant woman about to give birth_ – certainly doubts even a new mother with a conventional upbringing might have – _but for someone like Meredith_ – someone with no baseline for parenting, well her doubts all of a sudden came to the surface bubbling like a kettle of boiling hot water … _breathlessly whistling, help, help, help!_

_She took one last deep breath and dared herself to say it out loud._

"I'm scared," Meredith admitted, heaving a sigh of relief as Carolyn suddenly became a conduit, her eleventh-hour confessional. She looked up and found the older woman's sure, calm eyes before she looked away again.

"Of what?" Carolyn answered without judgment, inching closer.

"Not being enough, not having the right DNA for this," she replied with candor as she looked down at her belly – _her hair falling forward_ – creating the veil of a confessional.

_Carolyn surveyed Meredith now, looking at her once again in a redefined light, because that's what she did; she always seemed to add another thought-provoking layer to the depth of her persona. She sighed and pressed her lips together, wondering what, if anything she could say to allay her fears. _

"You do the best you can Meredith – _and DNA doesn't come into play here_ – it's how you use it that does," she counseled, trying to get a peek at her face.

"I don't know what I'm doing," Meredith whispered with a shrug.

"None of us do … I still don't," she smiled encouragingly, draping her arm along Meredith's trim shoulders now; she felt her relax under her touch.

"But you have this … natural way," Meredith mumbled, her heart raced, she released a large breath of air.

"And so do you sweetheart," Carolyn murmured with a gentle squeeze to Meredith's shoulders.

"You know, I don't want to rush this part of my pregnancy," Meredith assured. "I mean, I want to labor … seriously, bring it on already," she giggled with a wry grin. "But …," she sighed. "At the same time, part of me just wants to walk into the cabin with the baby, part of me just wants to be home and on the other side … to be a _'birth'_ mother," she mused softly, her mind on Wayan now, his peaceful aura encapsulating her – _the boy who captured this unused piece of her heart for all time – her _boy … her first child.

_The women sat in relative silence for a few moments, Carolyn in deep thought now about Meredith and Derek together and how … impressed (for lack of a better word) she was of them. She didn't dote – she wasn't a doter – and yet, something about how they were together just made her feel happy and satisfied. At first, she thought maybe it was because she'd never seen her son this happy or grounded before – after all the pair were like a breath of fresh air – but later, the more she got to know Meredith and then Derek and Meredith together, she realized it was their evolution … their plight or struggle to be together (or spiritually whole and healed together) that only intensified how right they truly were for one another. She noticed this right away, even from that first phone call they made to her together when they got home … their connectivity was solidified and given the intensity of their time on Bali, it didn't surprise her in the least. _

"You know," Carolyn said softly, her voice infiltrating the quiet all around them now. "At first, I didn't understand your connection with Wayan," she admitted candidly. Meredith turned to face her slightly. She smiled. "Well, I thought I did – _you're compassionate people, he was a young, lost boy_ – so, I thought I understood and knowing what he means to the longevity of the village, I completely understand the trust for _Meri House_," she stated proudly, her heart beating, her eyes, wet and wide open. "But then … oh, there was this moment when you had one of your calls with him," she smiled, recollecting the memory now while she spoke. "You and Derek, each on a phone, he and Ketut on the other line … I don't know, it was pure magic to watch your faces, to see your eyes light up, it was all so perfectly natural – _you're already great parents, doters even_ – and your children, Wayan and this baby and anyone else who comes along will be blessed by your innate capacity to love even beyond your own flesh and blood," she sighed, her heart full of anxious happiness, for she couldn't wait to meet this little love baby.

Meredith took a deep breath and tried to quell her wild heart. Tears of some unknown origin, from somewhere so deep inside gathered now, funneling their way up from her core … the emotion behind them, almost felt too big for her. She shuddered and found Carolyn's wet eyes through the haze of her own thick tears. She blinked and they receded.

"Somewhere deep inside, I know you are right – _I can do this, Derek and I can do this_ – we're already blessed in too many ways to count, this is just icing on the cake," she mused, feeling better already. "I'm glad you're here," she said with a wide smile.

"There's no place I'd rather be," Carolyn replied, because it was the truth … for a Shepherd was about to be born.

###

Well into the night, Derek arrived back at the house. The windows dark, the porch and foyer lights on – _with the rest of the pack at the hospital –_ he knew the house would be quiet, a fact he was secretly thankful for, after all the house was a relative zoo some of the time and in his opinion, he was appreciative of the peace and quiet for Meredith's sake. He smiled now as he set his bag down by the door and slipped his shoes off before he ascended the steps, two at a time. Without a sound he ducked inside the bedroom and closed the door behind him.

His eyes adjusted to the darkness, a small triangle of dim light filtered across the room from the night light in the bathroom – _Meredith's sleeping form illuminated by the light in all the right places, her tank top accentuating her fuller breasts, her large and low belly perfectly outlined by the thin cotton sheet draped over her midsection, erogenous massage techniques flowed through his mind_ – he chuckled inside at his own antics now, some of the passages and illustrations from the books Jyothi had given him still fresh on his mind. He shook his head – _she just looked so beautiful and sexy_ – but more importantly, at peace.

Happier than hell to see her resting, Derek entered the bathroom and left the door ajar, prepared to throw on the first thing he saw before he noticed a small stack of neatly folded clothing on the sink ledge – _a pair of pajama bottoms and a t-shirt_ – he disrobed and slipped the clean clothing on … one step closer to finishing the day. He brushed his teeth quickly now, patting his face dry with a hand towel before he exited the small room and made a beeline for the bed where he stealthily deposited himself into the mess of cool linens beside his lover. Meredith rolled into him and opened her eyes. She smiled as he found her eyes in the darkness.

"Hey," he said, pressing a kiss to her temple, her warmer body heat radiating, his hand found her belly, _rub, rub, rub, 'hi baby'._ "Sorry for waking you up," he whispered, inching closer.

"You didn't," she said in a tone that matched his before she pressed her lips to his. "I can't sleep without you … especially here," she murmured, pulling away slightly, she rested her head on his pillow.

"Why is that?" he asked, thinking of the infinite possibilities surrounding her statement. He smiled.

"It's too much like the time when I lived here when we weren't together," she stated evenly, her heart banged in her chest, even now, after everything … this space felt lonely without him in it.

_Derek took a deep breath – he let Meredith's essence and her energy calm him – for he hated that, the time in their lives when everything was so disjointed (and he was to blame), hated to think of Meredith all alone in this space, cohabitating with the ghost of 'them'. He pressed his lips together, at a loss for words as he ran his hand along her hairline, moving his fingers through her tresses before he cupped her skull and leaned forward to kiss her, soft and quick … like he would do every day for the rest of his life, thinking now about his proposal._

"Is that what you were thinking about during your exam?" he asked, having wanted to get to the bottom of Meredith's misty eyes since he left the house all those hours ago.

"Yes," she answered, captivated by the small sparkle set deep within his eyes. "It was just – _the shadows in this room, the way they move or dance _– and well, they've always been there and I have this thing that maybe my mother used to watch them too and … I don't know …I guess I was saying _'good-bye' _to those sad and lonely moments for good," she smiled weakly, pressing her cheek into the pillow, seeking a spot of cooler fabric.

"Hmm, making room for happier ones," Derek encouraged, his hand resting on her belly again, the baby rolled under his touch, the movement slow.

Meredith winced and shifted her weight, God she felt huge! She chuckled. "Something like that, yeah," she sighed … any day, _'come on baby,'_ she mused, her eyes closing as she stifled a yawn.

_Derek followed suit, the idea of making new memories floated through his head now as he listened to Meredith's easy breathing – predictable, familiar – he took a deep breath of her sweet, soulful essence, finally closing the day, putting his surgery and everything else behind him, wanting nothing more than to relax with his woman – wanting nothing more than to bask in her love and peace – and wait for the dreams of what tomorrow might hold to funnel through his mind … all night long. _

"Meredith," he whispered, so softly he barely heard himself.

"Hmm," she sighed before she opened her heavy eyes and met his gaze.

"Hi," he smiled broadly. "I want to take you home tomorrow … just for a little bit, just the two of us," he said, his eyes never leaving hers.

"Is Jyothi okay with that?" she asked, linking her fingers through his, she eyed him carefully, surprised he'd want to head home with labor imminent now – _she smiled and the small sparkle set deep inside his eyes told her to just go with it_ – for his eyes were dancing and happy … sparkling _so_ brightly in the dim, fragmented light it was truly uncanny.

"She's fine with it," he confirmed. "Actually, it was her idea of creating some time for just us that gave me an idea," he mused, unwilling to give anything away. "We can come back here to sleep if you want … I just really want some uninterrupted time with you," he said, his voice hoarse with emotion he hadn't expected.

"You want me all to yourself," Meredith teased, running her fingertips along Derek's hairline, nothing but their hot tufts of air (_and the baby_) between them now.

"I do, I really do …one of my last chances before … baby makes three," Derek sighed, watching Meredith's eyes close again. "I love you … anytime now," he whispered, inching even closer, the baby brushing against his abdomen, his hand found her hip.

"Baby makes three, Derek … I love you," she declared without opening her eyes. "Anytime now," she breathed, her heart rate slowing _down, down, down._

Meredith focused now on her breathing as a measure of relaxing herself – _breathe in, breathe out_ – she let her muscles go, especially those with a taut hold on the baby. With her belly relaxed, she let herself go ever so slightly too, feeling better and more equipped to rest now that Derek was in bed wrapped around her (_as much as he could be_). She let the darkness encapsulate her _– those familiar green eyes appearing just as they had for months, while she focused intensely on those cool irises, so innate, so naturally flecked with beauty_ – and therein she finally acquiesced and fell fast asleep under the shadow-free ceiling of her mother's old bedroom.

Derek melted into his lover's relaxed heat – _his mind racing with a myriad of infinite possibilities and opportunities_ – his desires and emotions running high now as he tried to relax and get some sleep, for tomorrow – _another milestone or two or three would or could be met_ – counting now his plans to propose, his growing intrigue in the art of tantric and yoni massage and the imminent birth of their not-so-little miracle – _all of which were life altering_ – all of which their fate or destiny or karma had so duly created for them.

**Epilogue – Into the Mystic – Part 3 of 6 to follow.**


	56. Epilogue, Into the Mystic, Part 3 of 6

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al. **

**Author's Note: Thanks so much to all who are reading and leaving notes for me … your thoughts on this epilogue are really lovely, so keep those lines of communication open. I know many of you have been looking forward to this particular moment, so I can only say, I hope this meets your expectations. **

**For those celebrating Thanksgiving, have a wonderful celebration.**

**Epilogue – Into the Mystic – Part 3 of 6**

Derek took a deep breath of the sweet, woodsy air of the home he shared with Meredith. It smelled of them in here now – _this familiar blend of island spices; all the sweetness of their island life, with just the perfect hint of the salty mountainous residue emitted from their homestead, their station for life_ – yeah, it was damp and sweet and perfectly _'them'_. The air was calming and heavy like a warm blanket, especially once a fire was going; the damp heat created a balmy humidity that was very much like that of Bali – _a constant reminder of their magical time spent on the island_ – even now, all of these months later.

_Smiling, his eyes roamed around the backdrop of their life together – the kitchen bright and welcoming, the living room now filled with plenty of memorabilia – lots of photographs of their friends, both here and abroad. The latest photo of Wayan sat perched on the middle shelf of the living room built in; it was Meredith's most prized possession as of late – the boy's bright and soulful dark brown eyes and flawless almond skin, the mess of dark hair on his head – he epitomized peace and resilience as much now as he did when they first met him. _

For Derek, he would never get over how much this one little person meant to him nor would he forget the first moment he laid his eyes upon this boy, Meredith's first child … and his too. And they weren't alone in their attachment –_for Owen still cared deeply for the child_ – demonstrated time and time again by his need to scrutinize new photographs of Wayan, silently assessing his health and well-being as he did.

Of course the state of their lives, their sustained connectivity with the island wouldn't have been possible without Ketut – _for_ _she was the glue, the tie that bound them all together _– and without even trying, she made the vast amount of miles between them disappear and for that, Derek would be forever indebted to her. And as he stood right here, right now – _as much as he adored_ _Jyothi _– he couldn't help but long for Ketut's energy; and with the birth of their love-baby imminent … his heart tugged for the island even more.

Shaking himself from his reverie, Derek went back to the task at hand, having departed from Meredith under the pretense of starting a fire, he got to it now by opening the flue to the chimney before he reached over and grabbed several logs and set them on the hearth. He pulled some pieces of newspaper from the nearby stack, twisted them into a funnel, struck a match against the hearth and lit the paper, strategically placing it inside the crevices of the logs _– waiting patiently now for the fire to take hold_ – smoke twirling up and into the chimney as the raw wood began to crackle and burn slowly – _the fire red hot, blue flames with white tips_ – a wild, beautiful temptress. He closed his eyes for a beat and listened to the fire while the heat lapped at his body – _crackle, hiss, crackle_ – the damp warmth radiating and the aroma … simply divine.

When satisfied, he stood up and peeked outside to find Meredith standing just outside on the stonework landing. He smiled, taking in her pregnant belly, her beautiful side profile – _her head titled up to the cloudy sky, no doubt aching for the sun, her eyes closed, her hair moving wildly in the wind _– she left him breathless as much today as she had the very first time he set his eyes upon her at Joe's. Without thinking, he slipped his hand inside his jacket pocket and found the velveteen box; he rubbed it and reluctantly turned away from Meredith to make the last of his quick preparations before he would set out to … meet his fate … his destiny … his everything.

With that thought in mind, Derek leaned down and grabbed the small bag he surreptitiously packed with some fresh mangos and truffles along with the books and massage oils Jyothi had given to him. He padded into the kitchen and grabbed a glass plate, two bottles of water and a paring knife. From there, he headed down the darkened hallway, stopping now at the linen closet to gather several jade plush towels in his arms. Taking his wares to the dim serenity of their bedroom, he promptly removed the items and set everything on his night table to for later use. Turning his attention to their bed, he pulled the comforter back and rolled the towels along the middle of the space – _one, two, three – _before he struck a match and lit the hurricane lanterns. He set the matchbox down, slipped the velveteen box from his pocket and opened it.

_He glanced quickly at the doorway for a beat before he held the ring up, twirling the delicate Shepherd heirloom in his long surgeon's fingers, watching the facets sparkle and dance among the shadowy enclave now, losing himself in the whimsical idea of watching for the rainbows hidden within the stone – all the while perched upon Meredith's finger – as they would spend their private lives together in this very room. _

_The shadows billowed … the ring sparkled … and Derek smiled when he found the rainbow._

_A rush of excitement coursed through his core now as he slipped just the ring inside his pocket and made his way back to his lover – bypassing the present as he stepped through the front door and onto the precipice of their future – where Meredith waited for him, turning to find him when she heard the door open behind her._

Derek smiled and she cocked her head as if to silently ask him what he was up to – _and when he simply smiled in return _– he decided she was a good sport. She smirked and dazzled him – _her hair blowing wildly in the wind, her cheeks full and flushed and healthy, the overcast skies doing this amazing thing to her eyes_ – he loved that, what the bright white sky did to her endless eyes, it was like nothing else he'd ever seen before, except for maybe the serene beauty of the pools of holy water at _Pura Tirta Empul _and how Meredith's eyes matched the natural ebb and flow and color of the healing currents … oh, it was so surreal.

_Transfixed, he pressed his lips together and leaned into her energy, the tug, tug, tug of the fishing line taut with longing now as he stood in his same spot and stared at her – his lover, best friend, would-be wife and so much more – his soul mate, the mother of their boy and their future children and in that moment, Derek smiled widely … his eyes trained on her endless pools of reflection. _

_She shook her head and giggled – smiling like she had some kind of secret – her eyes crinkling now as she extended her arm and held her hand out for him. Derek's feet carried him to her – a tantric air touch tantalizing his skin now – as he basked in the radiant aura he found within his lover and the swell of their unborn child. _

"You okay today?" she asked softly as her lover came to stand in front of her – _and while the wind was cold just a moment ago _– that same breeze all of a sudden felt warmer and more inviting. She sighed and leaned into Derek's heat, awestruck by his endless, happy eyes and although she had an idea what he was up to, she decided to leave him be for now.

"Hmm, yeah," he smiled. "Better than okay," he breathed, taking Meredith's hands in his as he stared into her evergreen eyes for a long moment – appr_eciating her calm fortitude_ – her belly bumping against his abdomen … _baby, baby, baby._

_His smile reached his eyes now as he leaned forward and pressed a pulsating kiss to her heart-shaped lips, his hands flanking her skull as she lapped at his mouth with searing intensity and without a care to hold back. All the while Derek's head hovered in the clouds, and like so many times since they first met – he fell for her all over again – a split-second was still all it took. And he knew now as he intensified their kiss and mated his lips with hers, that there was no way to avoid it – his fate, his destiny – for the love he had for Meredith naturally tugged on his heartstrings more and more with each passing kiss … and touch … and cherished moment. He swept his tongue along hers and felt her submit, her knees went weak and she was like putty in his hands … he held on tight and vowed once again to never let her go._

"Come," he whispered against her lips, taking her hands in his as he pulled away.

"Okay," was all she answered, squeezing his hands; a willing accomplice to his elusive playfulness.

The couple turned and walked toward the water now in silence – _the cold earth of their homestead crackling under their footsteps now _– the trees swaying overhead, the water glistening beyond their focal point, the clearing over the water or as they had come to call it – _'Doc's Place' _– the moniker sticking just like the indelible impression the canine left upon them, both together and apart from one another.

"It feels like we've been gone for so much longer than one day," Meredith mused, the still-warmer wind pushing against her back – _her free hand found the baby through the flap of her coat – rub, rub, rub._

"It does," Derek agreed, tightening his hold on Meredith's hand. "I do miss the quiet … having you all to myself," he muttered, eliciting a giggle from his woman. He turned his head and smiled as he caught her eyes with his.

"Me too … _I mean you _… _you and me_ … alone," she answered before she moved her gaze over the water again, watching those facets sparkle within current like millions of perfectly rare diamonds.

_Derek led Meredith down the pathway, his heart racing now as slipped his hand inside his pocket and felt for the precious heirloom, twirling it now with his fingertips, around and around it went. He cleared his throat and Meredith turned her head up and looked into his eyes for a long moment, her deep green orbs rendering him speechless now, despite his planned declarations. He smiled and she just cocked her head and pressed her lips together before a small smirk played along her fuller face. _

"I have a confession to make," Derek whispered, a husky chuckle slipped beyond his lips.

Meredith turned her head up again and eyed him carefully, following his gaze as he looked down and slipped his hand through the open flap of her coat, placing his palm along her belly as he did. His touch was warm and inviting; she intuitively leaned into his aura as they came to stand just outside the area of _'Doc's Place'_.

"I know," she giggled as she stared into his dancing eyes.

"You know?" Derek asked, slightly bewildered as he floundered inside for a beat – _'what does she know' _– he wondered as he smiled at her shining, happy face, quickly rotating the ring in his pocket still.

Meredith turned slightly and took the last couple of steps, stopping at _'Doc's Place'_, her eyes swept the dedicated space and much like she always did, she felt a deep pinch to her heart. The baby rolled, her belly became hard, taut, but not angry. The wind barreled over the clearing, but she was still warm inside – _the air almost hot now _– pushed against her back, urging her to move … _forward_ … the Zen cottage within reach. She closed her eyes and let herself go, her belly muscles relaxed.

"Meredith," Derek said softly, his knuckles grazing hers, his eyes trained on her as she tilted her head back and up and even though it was cold outside – _he felt warm heat radiating from his core_ – heating him from the inside out. He twirled the ring, feeling the ridge of the prongs and then the flat plane of the diamond set in the middle.

"Derek," she said with a smile as she opened her eyes on the precipice of the _Zen cottage_, Bali set deep within her mind's eye – _as she watched the water, glistening against the overcast sky_ – she felt whole and at peace and inside this moment, she knew what she had to do. She turned to her lover and found his eyes.

"What do you know?" he asked; his breath hitched on a hinge … waiting, anticipating.

She smiled. "I know …," she sighed, her cheeks heated as his wide open eyes softened around the edges – _he loved her, truly, madly loved her_ – taking a deep breath, she once again allowed herself to lose herself in him. She cleared her throat. "I know … you're trying your best not to hover … trying to act like this all normal – _this having a baby thing_ – and I know you want it to be painless and without … complications," she whispered as her voice trailing off as she tried her best to slow her heartbeat down. She sighed; his hand found her cheek. "But most of all … I know you're an amazing man …," she smiled and shook her head as baby tears flooded her eyes.

_Derek draped his arm along her shoulders where she instinctively leaned into him, for he had become the rock she stood upon or leaned against … in good times and in bad. _

"Meredith," he whispered as he held her near, compelled to stop her from feeling like she needed to save him … even though she had – _saved him _– every day since the night he met her. She knew him well enough to know he was mess –_ and_ _that as confident as he was_ – he was also nervous and hopeful and excited for the birth of their love-baby.

Meredith sighed and looked up to find Derek through her cloudy eyes – _she just wanted him to know she could handle this _– determined now, she took a deep breath of the hot air and turned into him, her heart pinched, the baby rolled. Derek stepped closer still and Meredith reached up and flanked her hands along his skull, silently grounding her core before she trusted herself to speak.

"You are Derek – _you're amazing_ – and for all those reasons and so many more and … I just want you to know, no matter what you tell me or confess _– no matter what fear you might have about us being parents_ – I love you … I'll always love you," she whispered, her heart on fire, her breathing labored … nothing but the baby and her own confessions between them now. She pressed her lips together; those waiting tears fell and she watched a thick cloud of emotion cover Derek Shepherd as his resolve began to crumble from the inside out.

_Derek folded Meredith into his arms and took a deep breath of her essence as he did – his heart smoldering with untamed love, his head still in the clouds, the baby rolling between them now – as he swayed and rocked and cradled his lover, his hands moving into her damp tresses, then down her back to her tush where he drew her even closer. She sniffled and submitted once again to his hold on her – 'she loved him, she really loved him' – was all he could think, which of course he knew, but somehow hearing it right then, right when he needed the reassurance, to him anyway – he felt like it was his destiny calling for him – a faint reminder of everything he already knew. He sighed and Meredith did too, their heartbeats in sync once again, slowing down now as their connectivity was restored. _

"I love you too," he muttered into her hair, his hot breath fanning his face as he took a staggering deep breath of his elixir for life – _pulling back to find her eyes_ – he stared at those reflective pools for a long moment before he dared himself to say more. "You're right …," he sighed with a weak smile as fresh tears stung his eyes. "I'm not myself – _this becoming a father thing_ – it's just … scary," he confessed with a wry chuckle before he pressed a kiss to Meredith's temple. "I worry … I do – _this is our child_ – I worry about you … I worry about things I have no control over –"

"Which is driving you nuts," Meredith giggled at his antics.

"Pretty much," he smiled, pressing his forehead to hers. "Well that … and the thought of you in pain …," he muttered, his heart racing as he pressed his hand to the baby.

Meredith smiled, melting a little bit on the inside now. "I'll rise above … and you'll be with us the whole time," she encouraged, shifting on her feet, she moved closer to her lover's warmth. The wind billowed; the trees rustled high above them. "Together forever, remember?" she whispered, her voice cracking under the heavy weight of her words.

"Oh … I do," Derek murmured thoughtfully with a smile. "Which is … what I wanted to speak with you about …," he whispered, his eyes locked on hers, no space between them now.

Her heart raced; she blinked. "Which part … the _'together' _part or the _'forever'_ part?" she squeaked out, Derek's hot breath fanned her face as he stared at her; she tilted her head up and pressed her lips to his in an effort to ground herself.

"Both," he husked, emotion clogging his throat, his intentions becoming a reality now, his heart raced on and on.

"Both," she smiled – _and he nodded in assent –_ emotion clogging her throat as Derek's intentions were revealed, her heart raced on and on in tandem with his. "Derek …," she breathed through her waiting tears.

"Meredith," he smiled, catching her tears with his thumbs where he left them. He kissed her cheeks, _once, twice_ before he pulled back slightly and sighed. "Do you remember that day at _Pura Tirta Empul?"_ he asked softly, raising her chin with his thumb.

"You know I'll never forget it," she answered, her voice shaking, her skull still cradled in her lover's hands. The air became hotter, damp tufts ricocheted between them now.

"Hmm, I love you," he whispered, he brushed his nose against hers before he kissed her again, _soft and quick._ "And do you … also remember our time out on the rice paddies later that day?" he asked, even though he knew she would also never forget those stolen moments.

"I do," she breathed, pressing her lips to his. "If I close my eyes … I can still see us there," she husked – _and leaning into their heat_ – she did just that, she closed her eyes to find the cherished memory and she did … with ease.

"Me too," he whispered into her ear, watching her eyes close. She swayed in his arms, trusting him completely … her eyes remained closed … it would seem she was already there. "Meredith … do you remember what I said to you – _in that moment on sacred ground –_ with the rice you harvested at our feet?" he asked so softly his words were carried into the wind just as they were that day. He closed his eyes.

"I do … with the ancient rice paddies … you _saved_ at our feet," she whispered softly – _memories of the mud slide collided with this more peaceful time _– the aftermath, the stuff legends of love were made from.

_So softly she wasn't sure he heard her, for she was already lost – already there, the hot island wind billowing, the sun perched high in the bright blue, cloudless sky – standing firmly just as they were now, but with their feet planted in the muddy earth just above the rice paddies … the rice she harvested … the rice he saved._

_She surrendered to the moment and further leaned into Derek's heat. She felt his hands move around her and the baby, his hot breath fanning her crown. He swayed again and she knew his eyes were closed too … he was there with her._

###

"_So, you're really going to marry me?" he asked simply, his voice carried away by the wind._

_Memories of their morning submersed within the holy water still massaging his skin, his capillaries, his heart, his soul – and in that moment, for him anyway, it wasn't a big elaborate thing, in the end … he was just a man who desperately loved a woman, standing over an ancient rice paddy that she happened harvest, one that he and Owen and Wayan saved – his woman, his Meredith, his pride, his treasure – she was everything he ever wanted or needed in life._

_The hot island air billowed all around the lovers then, where they offered pieces of themselves in return for the joyous times they shared here – their departure imminent – their love for one another impenetrable. Neither one able to let go of this idea … they were together … forever. _

"_Yes, I'm really going to marry you …," she answered softly after a moment, safe and warm, tucked inside her lover's embrace; her feet sinking into the ancient earth._

"_When the timing's right?" he asked playfully, with a serious undertone, his hands found her skull beneath her wild, blond tresses._

"_Hmm, yes, it's all about timing," she mused, surrendering to his hold on her._

"_So … 'yes' will be your answer?" he asked, his heart shaking; his feet firmly planted in the mud._

"_No … Derek …," she sighed softly, peeking up with a wry grin._

"_What?" he asked, a twinge of alarm etched along his handsome face for sure._

"_Yes … my answer already is yes … it's yes … yes," she giggled; tears flooded her eyes as she watched his gateways become glassy too._

_And therein inside this moment, the couple sealed their fate much like they always had … with a kiss, warm and long and soft and hard – a kiss that somehow said everything they needed to say and so much more – with their feet planted, firmly on the ancient earth, sacred ground, it meant something – it meant something to the power of 'them' – for they had learned that they too could stand the test of time and become a legend unto themselves. _

###

Meredith opened her eyes and found Derek waiting for her. She smiled and so did he. He kissed her … she kissed him back … their bond somehow stronger _– their eyes somehow wider and more open and accepting_ – for the future.

"I think … the time is upon us, the right time … the timing's right," he chuckled breathlessly, unwilling to move even an inch away from her.

"I think so too," Meredith agreed, her voice soft, but her tone clear as the world all around her ceased to exist.

"Sacred ground, Meredith," Derek whispered into her ear as he drew her near; he shivered, the world fell away and left him there, nothing but a man in love with his woman.

"Sacred ground, Derek," Meredith repeated, her feet planted firmly on their earth, _'Doc's Place'_ at their toes. "I love you … so much," she sighed; reaching up she kissed him then, sealing their fate for all time. "Ask me … ask me, so I can answer," she husked against his open mouth, he pulsed her lips with his _once, twice_, before she pulled away, just barely – _just enough to look into his trusted gateways_ – glassy with emotion, crystal clear and bright blue akin to the Indian Ocean.

_Derek smiled brightly, pulling the heirloom ring from his pocket, he held it up in the overcast light – pure adrenaline funneled through his body – watching with bated breath for Meredith's surprise, her small chokehold of emotion quickly getting the better of her now as tiny tears popped from her wide open eyes. _

"I … Meredith …," Derek began, smiling slightly as his eyes darted to the ring, still suspended between them, he looked up and found her again. "I've said this before … but … for me to say – _'I love you'_ – isn't enough," he smiled, watching her watch him. "Suffice to say – _'will you marry me'_ – isn't either because … I want more than just a marriage … _with you_, you have to know how much I cherish you … you're my savior, my best friend and yeah – _I want to be your husband more than anything _– the one you deserve, the one you never knew you wanted …," he chuckled, watching the light sparkle in Meredith's eyes. "But as I stand here and look at you, full and consumed by our fate and destiny … our miracle – _I selfishly want more_ – I want to be your everything for … forever and always – _so will you, Meredith_ – spend your life with me … perfecting us?" he asked softly, his tears sliding down his face as he watched Meredith nod feverishly in assent, her eyes glassy, her lips pressed together, her hands on her belly … their miracle safe and sound.

"I wouldn't have it any other way," she whispered, her voice cracked. "I couldn't live one day of my life without you … and no – _'I love you'_ – is still not enough, how I love you too … is undefined, infinite … it's for forever and always Derek," she mused, flanking his skull in her hands, she looked up and found his wet eyes and melted on the inside. "Yes," she said simply, her adoration and love flowing from her simple one-word answer. "Yes," she cried before she brushed her lips against his … _soft and quick, just like a habit._

"May I?" he asked, holding the ring up with a sheepish grin, hardly able to believe he was about to slip his mother's ring on Meredith's finger. _Unbelievable._

"Hmm, please," Meredith breathed as Derek took her hand in his, inching the delicate ring into place. Tears stung her eyes. _Unbelievable._

"It's a bit too big and your fingers are …oh well," he chuckled and so did she. "We'll get it sized in a couple of months," he breathed, staring at the brilliant stone set upon her finger until she covered her lips over his and kissed him senseless.

"It's perfect," she said against his mouth. "Perfectly brilliant," she sighed deeply as she pulled away and held her hand up, watching the facets of the diamond sparkle like the water in front of them. "It's beautiful," she murmured, her right hand falling to her belly; the baby rolled against her palm.

"Hmm, I always thought so too," Derek whispered; his voice hoarse with emotion as his fingers moved over the center stone.

"Always?" Meredith asked; her mouth agape as she looked up to find her lover.

"The ring was my mother's," he said, draping his arm around Meredith where they leaned into one another, both captivated by the ring and the history behind it. "When I was a boy … I used to look for the rainbows hidden deep within the facets, you know that kaleidoscope – _the spectrum of color_ – with the sun …," he murmured, lost within the moment.

"Hmm yeah … and what do you see now?" Meredith asked, her head spinning with the possibilities of how this ring _– his mother's ring_ – ended up on her finger … and not … a certain other person's finger. She turned into Derek then and took his handsome face in her hands to scrutinize her lover more closely. "What do you see?" she persisted gently, smiling widely at him.

"Our future," he replied, full of truth and honesty.

"Our future," she breathed, her eyes catching on the luminosity of the facets as she held his skull in her hands. "I love you," she whispered before he ducked down and tenderly kissed her, plucking her lips _once, twice_ – _a barely there kind of kiss_ – the kind she sometimes loved best.

"And I love you … more and more every day," Derek whispered with a deep sigh. "Thanks for putting up with me," he said thoughtfully, Meredith's melodic giggle infiltrated the quiet all around them.

"I could say the same to you," she replied, her eyes scanning the water for a beat now, her lingering question still on her mind.

_Meredith sighed and felt Derek draw her near, she rested her hand over the baby, looking down; the ring sparkled radiantly against the white skies and evergreen trees. Small tears pricked her eyes – she never had something so small and yet so meaningful – she swallowed hard as she thought about Carolyn and the loss of her true love and what it might have felt like to … give this ring to her son and create an heirloom. 'Unbelievable' was all she could come up with, for Carolyn Shepherd was one of the strongest women she'd ever met … but this, this selflessness – to give this cherished piece of herself up – now that was unconditional love, the love only a mother could give. Meredith turned to Derek._

"Derek …how come …," she breathed and stopped herself. She looked up and smiled weakly. "Did you … why didn't you use this ring, you know, the … first time you got engaged?" she rambled through her jumbled thoughts – _watching Derek's eyes become lighter_ – and if possible, even happier as she spoke. "Derek … what?" she breathed as he took her hand in his, a small smile playing along his face as he did.

"My mother," he sighed, unable to stop smiling. "She didn't … she only gave this ring to me … yesterday," he breathed, watching Meredith's mouth drop open slightly before she closed it. "She said, precisely … that my father always wanted me to have this ring, _'for the right girl'_," he sighed heavily; he felt a searing pinch squeeze his heart, for he had long-since believed his father would have loved Meredith Grey.

"Oh … Derek," Meredith breathed _– stymied by her wayward emotions, immobilized within the moment _– she took a deep breath, her heart trembled, her chest tightened. "So … I'm the one," she realized out loud – _'I'm the one, I'm the one,'_ – she whispered way down deep to herself, realizing her fate.

"The one and only, Meredith," he smiled broadly, watching her aura light up the overcast sky with the innate beauty of an electrical storm.

_Derek smiled in return and wasted no time before enveloping his lover and their miracle baby in his arms, breathing her in where they stayed for a long, long while, standing tall and firm and poised for greatness on their own sacred ground, thousands of miles away from that magical island where they met again and fell in love, that place where he first asked her to marry him – finding his elixir with skilled precision now – sweet island mango and the salt of __their__ earth … yes, he found her with ease … Meredith … his Meredith … his lover … his everything … and now his would-be wife. _

Meredith pulled back slightly and shifted on her feet, her legs were tired … fatigue and emotion wearing her down now. She smiled and hugged Derek where he held on even tighter. "I'm … exhausted, but high … and I … I need you … I need us, just the two of us," she said softly, grounding herself, breathing him in.

Derek smiled, holding on for dear life, also feeling high and exhausted and happier than hell … because the time was right and Meredith had his mother's ring on her finger and it was beautiful … and he agreed, just perfect. "I have a better idea …," he whispered softly into her ear.

The hair on her neck stood on end and she giggled. "What could better than us?" she wondered aloud.

Derek pulled back and smiled broadly, a smile that just would not quit, nor would he ever let it. "Well us – _just connected in the present_ – in the moment …," he soothed, rubbing her back, turning her away from the clearing.

_A cold wind barreled down across the clearing, Meredith looked up, spotting the trailer way back beyond the cabin. She shivered and hunkered down against the now frigid air, her eyes trained on their past for a beat … she loved that trailer, loved it still. The baby rolled and brought her fully back to the present; her belly tightened again. The wind kicked up._

"I had no idea it was so cold," she stated evenly as the world all around her became real again. In defense, she burrowed deeper into Derek's heat as they began to walk back from whence they came.

"I'll warm you right up," Derek replied casually.

"I know you will," she retorted playfully.

**Epilogue – Into the Mystic – Part 4 of 6 to follow.**


	57. Epilogue, Into the Mystic, Part 4 of 6

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al. **

**Author's Note: Sorry for the longer than anticipated hiatus, please don't give up on me here, my life is just ultra busy this week, Hanukkah is in full swing at our house, so … busy and exciting pretty much sums it up. **

**Please enjoy this part, if you haven't commented on this story, please give it a try, we're nearing the end here and I would love to hear from more of you … so many readers and so few willing to put themselves out there to leave a note. Put yourself in my shoes for a minute, how do you think I feel? Putting myself out here like this … on a wing and prayer that someone out there is drawing something from this long, spiritual journey for one of our favorite TV couples … so, come on, give me a little something to go on here, tell me how you feel ... please.  
**

**Epilogue – Into the Mystic – Part 4 of 6**

What felt like a blur in time was only a short while later for the lovers – _their perfect timing was once again revealed _– and for the _time being_ they were living inside the moment and found themselves standing in front of one another in the small foyer, the blazing hearth behind Meredith, the stone wall behind Derek as he began to unbutton her coat. He smiled and slipped the damp garment from her shoulders before he turned and dropped it onto a hook behind him. He slipped his own outer shell off and hung that up too while Meredith slipped her shoes off and he followed suit.

She smiled and for the first time that afternoon, she felt her sciatic nerve pinch low on the left side of her back – _looking down, she couldn't see her feet_ – she shifted and looked up and that's when she saw it: that mischievous, playful smirk she loved so much – _the one meant just for her _– the look she couldn't live without. She smiled now, surely an amused twinkle reaching her eyes as she did.

"Come," Derek said; giving nothing away as he took her hand in his, feeling the magic of the new heirloom perched upon Meredith's finger.

With no words necessary Meredith smiled, leaned up and kissed his lips – _the woodsy fire soothing her back –_ while Derek warmed her from the front. Pulling away, she kept her eyes trained on this man who completed her – _this man who allowed her and supported her to become whole and healed_ – this man who quite literally filled her up with utter joy and peace and promise.

She sighed happily, wondering once again – _how it was that she ended up here, how was she this woman, __his__ woman – _how did she evolve and come to be so … sated and unbelievably happy? She shook her head at the twists of her fate as they glided down the cooler dim hallway together – _smiling inside now as she spotted the familiar flicker of the taper candles held captive inside the hurricane lanterns_ – their billowy light spilling into the hallway, bouncing and dancing off the walls … silently welcoming them home … together … forever.

They reached their bedroom and Derek stood behind Meredith, his hands on her shoulders as she surveyed their dim, serene space. He moved her hair aside and pressed a kiss to her neck, just below her ear; she shivered inside taking in scene before her. Leaning back, she made note of the towels and massage oils, the mango – _the candle light billowed; she felt warm, relaxed and safe within their enclave _– her mind twirled with intrigue as she put all the pieces together.

"Jyothi gave some tantric massage books to me…," Derek explained, whispering in her ear. Meredith shivered again, leaning further into his body as she did, her aura encapsulating them. She turned around in his arms and they found each other; her eyes sparkling with that stratagem of clandestine secrets he loved so very much. "If you still want to try these rituals …," he smiled genuinely. "Then so do I …," he breathed, watching her intensely for her initial reaction.

"You …," Meredith breathed, her eyes never leaving his. "And you want this?" she verified softly, mesmerized by his willingness to do this for her and _want_ this for her. She took a deep breath and watched his eyes crinkle around the edges with happiness. "You really want to open my spiritual … ah sexuality …," she muttered – _statement of fact, not a question _– she sighed, still half amazed by his grand gesture.

"Yeah," Derek smiled, drawing her near, his fingers absentmindedly twirling her wild locks before he ducked down and brushed his lips against hers – _their touch succinct, just enough_ – their passion unbridled all the same. "I do," he confirmed against her lips, feeling her smile grow wider. "Come on, we'll take it slow," he smirked before kissed her once more.

"Incredibly slow," Meredith flirted, her harmonious giggle now dancing with the flickering candlelight, raging within the heat between them.

Derek chuckled. "Hmm, I've read a book or two on taking it slow," he husked thickly, taking her hand; he led her into their bathroom where he promptly turned the shower on and began to undress his lover.

_Steam soon filled the small room – hazy, hot and humid now – the naked couple stepped into the shower together; hot spits of water ricocheted between their bodies … Meredith's pregnant belly the only thing standing between them now as they moved to cleanse one another, readying themselves for the afternoon ahead._

###

"Just relax," Derek soothed into her neck as he sat Indian style with Meredith facing him – _her legs draped over his thighs with only the distance created by the baby between them now_ – her belly full and low, rested against his abdomen, his arms low around her back, her hands on his hips, her fingertips inching underneath his undershirt … skin on skin, he wanted it too, she smiled, ran her hands up his back and slipped his tee shirt off. She let it fall to the floor.

_Meredith listened to his gentle request, 'just relax', her belly taut again – as hard as a soccer ball – she took a deep breath and closed her tired eyes; she felt Derek's wet lips as he pressed a tiny baby kiss to her bare shoulder. She melted into him – her hair up and away from her face and neck in a messy bun, her cheeks still heated from their shower, her skin covered with a dewy sheen some might think was sexy – she sat up straighter, alleviating some of the pressure on her lower back; her sensitive nipples brushing against the soft hair covering Derek's muscular chest … she quivered inside and moved even closer, she could hardly get enough of him._

"I love you," he whispered, pressing another kiss to her neck just under her ear – _all the while tantric massage methods and illustrations crowded his mind _– he smiled and ran his fingertips up and down Meredith's arrow-straight spine, vertebrae by vertebrae, her skin smooth as silk, dewy and warm. "If you feel anything … if any of this is too intense for the baby ...," he sighed, breathing deeply.

"Hmm … baby will come tomorrow," Meredith breathed, pulling back to catch her lover's eyes with hers … holding him there inside the moment. "We're fine," she smiled, her eyes twinkling with mischief now.

"Tomorrow …," Derek sighed. "You're sure?" he asked, brushing his nose against hers, _push, push._ His lips found hers, _kiss, kiss._

"Mother's intuition," she answered with a small smile of satisfaction.

"Mother …," Derek smiled widely. "You're an amazing mother already," he whispered, his eyes glassy with unearthed emotion as he drew her near.

"Thank you," Meredith smiled, her giggle twirling between them for a beat. "I feel the baby, some pressure … my belly's getting hard every few hours – _hard like a soccer ball_ – and staying that way for a minute or so … remember what we read …," her voice trailed off, almost amazed by all that was happening … _effortlessly._

"Contractions …," Derek smiled, somewhat mystified, he brushed his lips against hers.

"Contractions …," Meredith breathed against his open mouth, pulsing her lips over his, _once, twice._

"I love you," he whispered, at a loss to say anything else – _their baby, their miracle … tomorrow_ – tears stung his eyes as Meredith rested her chin on his shoulder and relaxed, her hot breath fanned his neck; she breathed … _in, out, in out. _

Derek held on tight to Meredith then and silently connected – _blessing their union, their fate and destinies as he did_ – resting his arms on her lower back just above her tush, cradling her in his capable hands – _kissing her shoulder before moving his lips across her collarbone_ – nipping at her skin there as he snaked one hand between them and placed his warm palm along her belly, rubbing slightly against her hardened flesh … _rub, rub, rub_ – _'I love you too, baby' _– he whispered deep inside, silently connecting.

_Meredith let herself go, preparing her mind and body to accept what was to come, recalling what she had read now – the rituals would lead her down a path of ownership, a clear path of love and openness and oneness within herself – thereby further fusing her to Derek, for he was the sole giver and she would be the sole receiver … of his actions, his praise, his awe of her. _

_She felt her body sway and moved her hands from Derek's hips to his thighs, relaxing from the inside out, further submitting to his spell on her now as they sat entwined in a sea of arms and legs together – eye to eye, heart to heart, soul to soul – connectivity at its most heightened state … bliss on steroids … blissful oblivion … the place where everything was serene and aligned – the Zen cottage – their place, their safe haven from the world all around them now in the present … the air warm and hot and sweet._

"Meredith … find me," Derek whispered into her heat, her damp, sweet essence – _mango and island spices_ – sticking to his nostrils now like honey … _she was literally the air he breathed, _it was as simple as that. He pulled back and found her magical eyes within the billows of the candlelights. "There you are," he smiled and so did she as she titled her head up and pressed her sweet lips to his, _soft and quick._ "Breathe with me, just keep breathing with me," he encouraged, brushing his nose against hers, the sticky heat between them more intense than ever before.

_She smiled and took a deep breath, her eyes lingering on Derek's as she moved her hand up to his heart where he did the same – she took another deep breath and let it go – sighing as she did, her heart beating in tandem with her lover's now, slow, slow, slow … as she let herself sink further into the power of 'them'. Closing her eyes tighter, the world – the here and now fell away – and there inside this moment, only she and Derek remained._

_Two hearts … beating._

_Two minds … connecting._

_Two souls … mating. _

"Hmm," Derek breathed; his arms low around her back again, swaying Meredith back and forth, her palm still connected to his heart, her breasts brushing against his chest as he leaned forward. "Let's lie you down," he cooed softly, taking the lead from Meredith as she slowly extricated herself from his embrace.

_Lying back, Meredith rested her head against the abundance of pillows behind her, once she was comfortable, Derek took two smaller pillows and set them under her knees, opening her thighs to the side, slightly elevating her hips – her vaginal muscles pulsed, her sciatic nerve pinched, then relaxed – her left hand found the hard protrusion of the baby's tush, rub, rub, rub … her new diamond heirloom sparkled in the dim, bouncing lights. She breathed – in, out, in, out – before turning to watch Derek apply a generous amount of oil to his hands, the aroma adding a nutty element to the already fragrant air. _

_She took another deep breath, watching her lover's eyes flick to the open book on the night table, the bold title on the page read: 'Tantric Breast Massage Ritual'. She smiled; for the ritual was largely based on the idea that the woman's breasts were the root of her sexuality with a direct connection to her yoni (vagina), and that by arousing her breasts in a safe and warm and open place – the woman and her sexuality and sensuality would become open and one within herself –her partner … a conduit … a giver … a protector._

_Focusing now, Meredith closed her eyes and took another deep breath, remembering just to breathe as Derek pressed one hand over her heart, his fingertips flanking her nipple; the other over her mound – a line of warm connectivity was established as he applied even pressure to these points, down, down, down – she focused intensely, imagining the line, breast to yoni, yoni to breast … captivated now; she visualized the energy and felt the heat. _

_Further submitting, she breathed in tandem with Derek still, listening to his soft voice – 'breathe in, breathe out' – she opened her eyes to find him right where she left him. She smiled, tufts of his warm breath fanned her face; he began to lightly run his fingertips along her hairline._

"God, you're gorgeous," he muttered, his hands deep in her tresses now, gently massaging the base of her skull – _earth touches, deep and grounding_ – his heart racing as he watched her cheeks heat … her abundant skin glow … her eyes sparkle in the dim billowing lights. He kissed her temple, pulsing his lips there for a moment before he moved his hands down to gently knead her neck muscles, pressing his thumbs symmetrically below her collarbone … _pulse, pulse, pulse._

_Meredith arched her back slightly before she relaxed into the pillows again, keeping her eyes trained on Derek's, she smiled and reached up, pressing her palm to his heart again, his skin soft, his chest defined – beat-beat, beat-beat – his heart pulsed under her touch, she took a deep breath and focused on matching her rhythm to his once again as she closed her eyes and allowed herself get lost in their connectivity._

_All she had to do was feel … all she wanted was to open herself – and all she desired was the experience – the chance to allow Derek to do this for her in a way neither of them had experienced before. _

"I love you," Derek whispered, connecting as her palm rested against his heart muscle. "Just keep breathing and let me do all the work," he encouraged, watching her lips curl into a small smile. "Just relax …," he breathed – _in and out_ – she pressed her palm against his chest; still trying to connect. "Remember … you don't have to react or perform … or orgasm … hmm," he breathed deeply. "Just let me do all the work … everything is for you … let yourself go, with me," he soothed, feeling the pressure from her palm weaken as he spoke.

_Grounded once again, Meredith listened to her lover's words, letting his professions sink in, pulling her down and away from the world all around them now as she felt his fingertips move along her collarbone – then a tantric air touch, the touch of just the heat from his hands, nothing but an inch of air between them now – as he moved down the length of her body to focus on her lower half … hot air in the form of energy, the lithe touch was simply divine._

"Feel it … with me," he whispered softly. "You're a tree … the core of your being sustains your life …," he whispered, his hands hovering an inch from her the taut flesh of her belly – _the baby moved, her belly contorted, the diamond sparkled_ – nothing but hot air and energy flowing between them now. "Your beautiful roots are strong and nurtured," he whispered as he moved his energy _down, down, down_ her long lean legs to her feet – _tantric water touches_ – fluid … sinuous … provocative.

_Meredith was putty in his hands, relaxing now as he took her left foot in his hand and gently but purposefully massaged her toes, heel and ball – nice and even circular movements, abundant oil lubricating his strokes – round and round he went with the precision of the skilled surgeon he was – spread, massage, breathe, breathe, pulse, pulse, pulse he went – her heart stilled, she opened her eyes again and watched him with bated breath._

_Her lover kneeling intensely over her, resting her foot down before he practiced the same method to her right foot, increasing his work area to include her shin, calf and knee – spreading and pushing down on her muscles gently and evenly, the magical spell of the tantric water touch at work – spread, massage, pulse – circular movements akin to rushing water pummeled her skin again – spread, massage, pulse – he let her leg relax and performed the same method to her to her muscles above her knees, expanding the area now to her inner and outer thighs, his nimble fingers grazing her bikini line – spread, spread, open, open, open – she felt the roots of her feet elongate and seep into the earth … taking a deep breath now, she focused, presuming another round of earth touches would be next._

"Are you comfortable?" Derek asked, grounding his lover – _one hand on her yoni, the other over her heart_ – he pressed evenly while he met her gaze, answering without words – _her smile said it all_ – her green eyes sparkling, her skin radiant; flushed. Keeping one hand on her heart, he took the oil bottle and applied some to his hands, deciding to lightly massage and connect with the baby – _both hands flanking her belly now_ – where he closed his eyes for a beat and simply felt the miracle within. "Amazing…," he sighed heavily, moving one hand up to Meredith's heart again – _his fingertips brushing over her hardened peak there; she arched her back into his touch _– sighing deeply now, they breathed together in tandem.

_Keeping her eyes trained on Derek's, Meredith connected – her cheeks heating as she lost herself for a long moment in the rare blue diamonds of his eyes, his wild hair and flushed skin – she was in deep, deeper than ever before inside his weightless aura – and therein the love and adoration she found was like nothing she had felt before – for they had transcended to a new place – they were on the precipice of a new beginning … a new facet to the power that innately belonged to 'them'._

_It was strong … powerful … all-consuming … it was forever … it was eternal. _

_Allowing herself to sink further into the moment, she closed her eyes and let Derek fall away – still connected, so deeply connected – she knew he was right there and that he always would be, and that was the point: trust. She trusted him, trusted him with her life and trusted herself to believe that he would always be there … for … ever … and therein her realizations, she allowed herself to fall a little deeper … in love._

_Focusing now, Meredith felt him take her left hand in his; he began to gently massage her fingers – tiny little earth touches – one by one by one, rolling her appendages in his oily hands, pressing … loving … breathing … as he let her hand rest next to her head, palm up, his fingers moving across her new heirloom one last time before he released his gentle hold. _

_Moving on to her wrist, then down to her elbow – Derek made a series of grounding, deep penetrating earth strokes – sighing into the hot, fragrant air as he did, funneling his energy, focusing on giving – his spirit magical and powerful – yet not overpowering. His hot breath fanned her face and neck as he worked, slowly releasing her hand, resting his palm over hers for a brief moment before he moved his warm hands down, massaging the swell of her breasts as he made his way to her other hand, also placing it palm up next to her head. _

_With another series of gentle earth touches, he made love to her fingers while she relaxed into the heat of the moment, allowing herself to be open and vulnerable – her arms up above her head, her legs open, her hips up, her belly full with life – she was a picture for sure, one that she was proud of. Derek's hands moved up, up, up to her neck, a whiff of the nutty oil suffused itself to her nostrils as his strokes slowed down and became more fluid – his hands moved along her ribs, his hot breath fanned her breast, heat, heat, heat – Meredith took a deep breath in, readying herself for a series of water touches. _

"Just breathe … slow and deep," Derek cooed, leaning closer to her ear, his chest brushing up against the side of her belly – _he held her inside the moment, his oily fingers moving into the grooves of her perfectly angled ribs _– she shivered and opened her eyes to find him. She smiled weakly, her eyes heavy with relaxation. "I love you," he whispered, his heart on fire with the truth of his declaration; their eyes wet. He took a deep breath, silently connecting before he applied more oil to his hands for her supple skin. He moved the oil over her skin, resting his fingertips just under the swell of her beautiful breasts, her skin glowing in the billowy lights – _her nipples dark red and larger now_ – ready for baby. Derek smiled, moving one hand to her belly for a beat while he focused on the emotional intensity of the water touch and the idea of opening Meredith's sexuality from the place where it was housed … and lodged … and protected … until now. "Keep breathing," he whispered as he began to work the swell of her breasts, placing his hands for the first time over her nipples – _her ripe and protruding pleasure points pressing up and against his palms now_ – her gorgeous gateways locked on his, urging him to proceed – _her wordless gestures_ – her deep soulful sigh and the arch of her back into his touch, calling for him to press on … and on.

_A light rain began to fall as Meredith closed her eyes once again; haphazard raindrops pelted their bedroom window while she relaxed under the veil of the passing storm – down, down, down – she allowed herself to flow and twist and twirl, moving along the river of bliss with Derek as he began to apply even, continuous water strokes to her neck, chest, breasts and nipples, finally applying the pressure she so innately desired from him – his palms moving back and forth like a fishtail – rub, rub, rub, he moved across the supple swell of her flesh._

_Meredith's core tightened, her vaginal muscles pulsed – nothing but tiny pings, shocks of delicious energy – coursed through her body, traveling at the speed of light, back and forth between her breasts and her pussy, her sexuality and sensuality awakening now like never before._

_She arched her back up, seeking her lover's touch, her breasts swayed – the rain fell on and on – Derek's warm touch came again, her nipples folding under his strokes, silently bending, acquiescing to his ministrations – her moan filled the air, her praise for his sinuous touch – swirl, swirl, swirl … her core ignited … she raised her knee, her thigh and pussy opening, her slit … wet … another moan of appreciation slipped from her lips, Derek's heavy sigh following suit; her pussy pulsed again._

_Opening her eyes, Meredith watched him work through her fog of bliss. He was bent over her again, his beautiful gateways closed in concentration, his palms splayed flat over her breasts, his chest and forearm muscles, flexed … he was focused, totally in the moment as he moved his hands into place now – one over her breast, the other cupping her yoni – she sighed heavily and balanced herself, once again sharing the moment … trusting herself to with him. And so she did – in, out, in, out – she watched him smile, her calm heartbeat no doubt grounding him now as he breathed – in, out, in, out – smiling widely after a minute when he opened his eyes and found her. _

"Hmm," Derek sighed, there was so much to say … so much – _starting with how fucking gorgeous she was right now_ – so open and so trusting his heart shook with unfathomable joy. "You are …," he sighed heavily –_ 'my everything, my world, my future' _– he finished silently, remembering to breathe, emotion bottling up for him now, his throat dry … he was speechless.

And so he wondered once again – _'how did it come to this'_ – how was he blessed enough to touch Meredith … his goddess and lover for all time … like this. _Sure they'd made love often –always connecting_, _always nurturing_ – even when they first met and held their hearts inside their chests, even at the beginning when he had no right to … they gave to each other as lovers. But never before like this,_ for he'd never given to her like this – without the assumption of 'give and take' – _without the very idea that her tumultuous orgasms somehow fueled _his_ fire, that her moans of pleasure somehow boosted _his_ ego – _no,_ _this was selfless lovemaking and it was all for her _– because he loved her and when it came down to it, Derek would do anything for Meredith.

He smiled and shook his head as thick tears blurred his eyes now – _he loved her and there wasn't anything he wouldn't do for her_ – he blinked on that thought and set those waiting tears free. Meredith smiled and for once she made no move to wipe them away. And therein Derek was transfixed, shaking with love on the inside as he moved his hands again – _akin to_ _rushing water, down, down, down the stream of bliss_ – his slick fingertips moving along her nipples – _hard ruby flesh, perfectly ripened and mouthwatering_ – he brushed his thumbs along her areolas, just a wisp of pressure over the deep nerve tissue now.

His core rocked him. Seismic energy abound.

His cock twitched. A chain reaction began.

Her breath hitched. Her gasp filled the air.

They met in the middle. The rain continued to fall.

Hearts beating. Cores radiating.

Untamed energy. Consumed them.

They were grounded. Their eyes locked.

_Meredith took a deep breath and smiled, following Derek's eyes; his gaze flicking down and away, his eyes resting on his hands, palms spread over her breasts, her energy bouncing all over the place. Turning her attention, she sucked in a deep breath of their sweet humid air, watching intensely now as Derek pulled his fingers from their outward position inward until he was holding just her nipples with just his fingertips, pulling gently on her taut pleasure points before he released them, brushing the hardened nubs back and forth as he went._

_Her pussy pulsed – another chain reaction – her body quivering as Derek's eyes penetrated hers once again, a look that only intensified her delirium – a perfect balance of sultry and sexy, sweet and nutty, her essence filled the air – simple orgasmic pings of heat flowing through her veins now akin to water down a river. _

_Sighing heavily in unison, the inertia of that blissful current carried her now as Derek moved his focus, down, down, down, briefly caressing her belly before he continued his water strokes – that stream gathering speed now, white caps swirled to temporary peaks – where the force of the water pushed her toward a waterfall … until Meredith finally let herself fall … in love with Derek and his hold on her all over again. _

_His palms, strong and commanding, gentle and full of peace moved down and along her legs now – her branches elongating, her energy purposeful – while her lover never lifted his hands from her flesh, moving upwards again, his pressure rolling her muscles – up, up, up – he leaned into her and kneaded inner thighs in tandem –up, up, up – he went, her dark apex his target, his thumbs grazing the interior of her bikini line … swirl, swirl, swirl, she felt her sticky folds open … her body convulsed, her infectious giggle filled the air and she arched her back – only to come in direct contact with Derek's hot, humid breath as he hovered his mouth over her nipple – she ached for him, moaning at his sudden proximity_… _air and fire touches were next_.

Holding himself back from biting on her raspberry peak, Derek leaned over instead and swathed his hands in oil – _Meredith's skin, so supple, so plentiful just seemed to drink the lubricant down_ – it was as if she was starved for his touch, her thirst for him unable to be quenched no matter how much of the nutty residue he seemed to use. Moving swiftly now, he set his hands upon his woman again, vowing to take things slow despite the high sexual intensity of both air and fire touches – _hot and playful, full of sensual energy_ – he took a deep, cleansing breath, one palm resting over Meredith's heart, the other on her belly for a beat before he began to move in earnest.

Sliding his hands over her large belly, Derek rested his thumbs on her pubic bone, her soft hair driving him wild now as he bypassed her yoni, once again resisting the urge to massage her there – _his thumbs grazing the interior of her thighs now _– before he descended along her legs, hovering over her body as he did … the magnetic heat radiating from his body to hers, a not-so-imaginary line of sexual energy raging on and on between them now.

Meredith's sigh filled the air as her toes curled – _Derek stilled his movements, giving them each time to breathe _– leaning over her shins with equal pressure now, he balanced the energy within her limbs before he slid back up from whence he came – _swiftly, moving up, up, up_ – the apex of her womanhood his target once again as he brushed his thumbs along her slit this time, eliciting a gasp and twitch from his lover – _her yoni damp and inviting _– her warm, sweet sex at the tips of his fingers now as he pressed on and upwards still, his hands and fingertips dancing over her warm lubricated flesh as he went.

The rain fell harder now as he worked her over, he paused for a moment to remind himself to make sure her muscles were relaxed and pliant _– checking on her breathing – in, out, in, out_ as he breathed with her now, his air touches _moving, moving, moving_ as her body fishtailed in feral response to his ministrations. Fluidly, Derek leaned even closer; his chest brushing against her belly now, her breasts swelled, her breathing hitched – _her gasp filled the air – roll, roll, roll_, he twisted her beautiful nipples; her rouge nerves awakening under his touch – _her sensual sex filled the air, his cock twitched_ – while he moved one hand along the swell of her breasts, coming to rest his palm over her upturned arm where held her for a long beat.

His breathing raspy, his heart on fire now_ – a fire that would soon need to be released_ – his searing breath fanning her pleasure point – _'breathe, breathe, breathe' _– _he_ chanted as Meredith sighed and sucked in a deep breath of her own before she exhaled, her breasts rising up to meet the molten depths of his mouth where he finally took an oral hold on her sexual energy _– her nipple taut and delicious, he breathed through his nose_ – staying connected as he began to draw her open for the first time.

_Meredith's guttural moan filled the air as her heart raced, skin on skin, there still was nothing quite like it – Derek's lips and tongue akin to his hands now – fire, fire, fire, hot, hot touches of air and flame moved through her body without her consent, for she was merely a conduit for her sexual energy and although she was relaxed, her smoldering fire was all she could feel as the core of her sexual being opened wider and even wider still._

_And within that symbolic opening, that energy moved more wildly, coursing through her like never before – Derek's hot mouth on her breast, his free hand over her heart; her love muscle pushing against his palm – 'breathe, breathe, breathe' – her yoni clenched, she relaxed her knees against the pillows … her slit opening … her clit pulsing now… peeking out from its protective hood … she was exposed._

_Her back arched up, convulsing as she once again offered her breast to her lover, where he instinctively he seized her flesh – another fire touch now combined with the buoyancy of a water touch – using just the tip of his beautiful, skillful tongue now… just the tip – nerve to nerve – around and around and around he went … carefully, slowly, purposefully … tugging her sensual curtain open … open … open._

_Derek hummed into her flesh as he lowered his whole mouth to her breast again, his tongue brushing against her taut nipple, moving in sensual circles, he hummed long and loud – his breath hot and forbidden like fire, yet welcome all the same – for she would gladly offer herself to that fire … his fire for her … for now she knew there was nothing quite like feeling open and vulnerable and ready for the love and adoration that would surely be there for all time._

_Gasping for air as Derek pulled away, she felt him replace the heat of his mouth with his hands as he silently grounded himself – she breathed with him – opening her eyes, she spied her lover calming himself for her sake, his eyes closed, his hands resting on her breasts, his aura relaxed and open. Smiling now as she watched him bend over to seize her opposite breast, his free hand moving down along her belly, caressing their miracle as he latched on to her nipple and lavished his full attention to her pleasure point – suck, nip, flick – his distinctive love touches… all made from the fire within him … all slower today, more purposeful … performed only to offer her pleasure … all for her._

_With his hand gently cupping her sensitive breast, he brought her nipple up to his mouth again – his hot breath fanning her capillaries, cooling her down whilst heating her up, her succulent flesh in between his lips, roll, roll, roll, he played with her nub, his free hand cupping her yoni now, the heel of his palm pressing against her pubic bone – her G-spot pulsed, her vaginal walls went nuts – her belly froze … contracting now._

_Derek added more pressure to both holds, she pulsed again, his fingers coveting her sexual energy, keeping it, savoring it now as tiny orgasms pinged her body, pressure, pressure, release, release … capillary after capillary, nerve after nerve – she was humming, her whole body pulsing inside the heat of the moment – her eyes rolled back, but she kept breathing and breathing still … riding the waves of bliss with the hope they would never recede. _

_With her head in the clouds and her heart racing to keep herself afloat; Meredith drifted – 'breathe, breathe, breathe' – she reminded herself, stopping only to find the tempo of Derek's raspy breathing, attempting now to synchronize herself with him once again. She found the ability with ease, for they were always connected on some level and had been since they were reunited … this she knew and therein she also knew he wouldn't massage her yoni – she knew he wouldn't breach her folds – but she also knew, he would seek her permission to do so … and soon. _

Derek took a staggering deep breath and reluctantly raised his head, his eyes closed tight, remembering to breathe through his nose now that his mouth was engaged _– 'breathe, breathe, breathe'_ – he chanted the mantra again as he opened his eyes, committing to staying in the moment with his lover as she evolved … becoming whole and healed and one within herself as her body convulsed with orgasmic bliss right in front of his eyes _– and it was his touch, his touch was the catalyst, the energy that opened her most sacred innermost self_ – his heart skipping a full beat on this blessing now as he sighed through his exhale, yes, it was true, Jyothi was correct – _they would never be the same_ – not now … not after this level of intimacy.

Once he felt centered and the hum of his lover's body eased onto a plateau – _Derek brushed his thumbs over Meredith's nipples, back and forth, massaging her peaks, aligning himself to her sexual energy again_ – her heart beating against his palm … slow and even, rhythmic and predictable. He scanned her body, watching her facial muscles relax within the dim bouncing lights – _the rain fell against the window harmonizing with their breathing where they stayed for a long minute_ – until Meredith opened her eyes to find him, and only then did it happen: _the tiny moment when the world stopped spinning._ The moment Derek often found himself waiting for, those precious moments when he became humbled and awestruck and lost deep within Meredith's unwavering gaze – _she captivated him and much like the first time they met, that split-second was all it took_ – and he would have it no other way.

He sighed and drank her in, noticing now a new fleck of depth to the sparkle of her eyes. And this fleck wasn't the fascinating sadness he originally fell in love with, no, no … it was far more than that, it was deeper than that – _it was clarity, it was what made his woman tick_ – it was the tiny missing fleck that made her whole and complete and open.

And with this new fleck – _she was so beautiful and raw and naturally Meredith _– she took his breath away, his heart racing on and on as he stared at her – _the heavy veil of her essence cloaking them both now_ – the air thick and humid and fragrant …_ air so heavy_ he became lost for a beat as he moved his hand up and ran his fingertips along her delicate hairline – _her hot breath fanning his neck as she leaned into his touch_ – silently grounding herself while he did the same; the couple breathed together … connecting, cherishing, loving.

Lost within their aura, his lips found her temple where they stayed. Taking a deep breath now, he moved his hand down to her belly, the baby rolled _– his heart pinched with deep love, tears stung his eyes –_ he was blessed, _baby, baby, baby_. He pressed his lips to the bridge of her nose, losing himself in the peaceful aura of the baby … soaking it up … living it and owning it – _attaching himself to his future, his lifeline_ – like never before.

He pulled away and found his lover's gaze, cradling her skull and her belly in tandem – _'I love you'_ – he said with his eyes to which she replied – _'this I know, I know this'_ – also without words; her new flecks of clarity alive and well, still.

Sighing deeply together, Derek breathed her in, moving his lips down to her collarbone where he peppered tiny wet kisses to her sparkling flesh, damp with both oil and sexual radiance – _he couldn't get enough of her, he took another deep breath in, his exhale slow and easy_ – her essence sticking to his nostrils, flowing down and into his lungs where he would keep it, lock it down and make her part of himself for all time and on all accounts – _physically and spiritually_ – for they were finally … one … two … and baby made three.

_Life giving. _

_Three souls … mating. _

_Life receiving. _

_Three hearts … beating._

_Life altering._

_Three minds … connecting._

Silently he worshipped her like so many other times – _he loved her and their miracle baby_ – awestruck still, he caressed his hand along her belly, _rub, rub, rub_ before slowly ebbing away, slipping his palm over her pubic bone where he left it, his fingers flanking the plump folds of her yoni _– her essence hot and sweet, swathing his fingers now _– his nose still pressed deep into the crease of her neck – _his trembling heart and open mind and on high alert _– as he dared himself to … _ask her … ask her … ask her_ … to open up with him.

Pressing his nose and mouth to Meredith's flesh one last time, Derek lingered there, losing himself completely, fusing this moment to his memory bank – _the feeling of her body, full of the life they created_ – his awe of the evidence of their passion and unfettered love for one another … growing still … even now … at the eleventh hour. His heart clamored and emotion found him in the dark _– yes, he was in awe_ – in awe of this little person who they would meet … _tomorrow._

_This little force of nature … so precious and so meant to be … the strong spirit of a small life force who no doubt would change their lives for always and forever._

His heart skipped a beat on his blessed life – _Meredith shifted slightly, pulling him from his reverie_ – he took a deep breath and felt her small hand drop to his back, marking her first voluntary movement since he started the rituals. Dipping his mouth down to her shoulder, he massaged her flesh for a beat with his lips; she tasted like mangos and nuts. He smiled and raised his head to find her glowing form, her eyes crinkled with happiness, her face flushed with sated passion.

She smiled. "Ask me," she prompted, her cheeks pink, her eyes shining with undulated happiness. Her breathing hitched and her heart raced as she moved her hand along Derek's back.

Derek smiled; his heart on fire now. "Ask you …," he repeated, his eyes resting on hers for a long moment, pondering the meaning behind her request … ask her … ask … her.

He smiled and listened to the rain then, taking in the serene beauty of his lover, their unborn child only adding to her spiritual aura _– his eyes locked on hers_ – he stared at her, _'ask me', _her voice played over and over in his mind now as he watched the candle light billow over her skin. He sighed and cleared his throat, inching up slightly – _one hand over her heart, her lifeline_ – the other on hand still cupped over her yoni.

"Do you need anything?" Derek smiled as he raised a question, avoiding her prompt for now. He chuckled. "Bathroom, water, food …," his voice trailed off as he caught a glimmer of amusement in set deep in her eyes.

"Hmm, nope …," she shook her head with a small smile.

"How's baby?" he muttered, leaning closer still, his hand moving from her heart down along her belly, _rub, rub, rub. _He pressed a kiss to her temple; she leaned into his touch, letting herself go.

"Sleeping," she whispered, her cheeks heated, she stared at Derek still, unable to look away. She took a deep breath of the hot sticky air and moved her hand down to his hip, her fingers inching under the waistband of his boxers.

"Sleeping's good," he sighed, his fingertips dancing over her swelled flesh, _baby, baby, baby._ "You're amazing," he whispered, looking up to find her eyes.

"So are you," Meredith replied, losing herself ever so slightly, the ocean within Derek's eyes, so deep, so vast … it never ended. "Ask me …," she husked, her request suspended in the thick, humid air.

_Meredith smiled and relaxed her thighs, she felt Derek's fingers move into the groove of her outer folds – 'damn that felt good' – was all she could think. She shifted again, raising her hips, her core ignited, untamed heat flowing through her body now as she kept her eyes trained on her lover – 'breathe, breathe, breathe' – she reminded herself while she slipped under his spell again, slowly letting herself go while the rain pelted down against the window and the candle lights danced a serenade to the tempo of Mother Nature's symphony. Her breath quickened; she was a goner. _

Derek leaned over and pressed a small wet kiss to Meredith's belly before he moved his lips up along her flesh, pressing lingering kisses now to the swell of her breasts, breathing through his nose as he engaged his mouth, _kiss, kiss, kiss, nip, nip_. He felt her hand on his neck where she held on tight as she let a small gasp fall from her lips. His mouth found her shoulder where he peppered her dewy skin with a line of kisses reaching all the way up to the underside of her ear. Sighing together, the lovers relished in the proximity, Derek's heart on fire as he inhaled a staggering deep breath and let Meredith's essence seep into his core … ask her … ask.

"May I …," he husked, taking her earlobe in between his lips, sucking on her flesh, _once, twice._ "Massage you … here?" he asked as he pulled away, his fingers moving gently along her plump slit as he made eye contact with his lover, her gateways so full of clarity – _so_ _wide open_ – she took his breath away.

"Please …," she whispered; her hand moving down to his wrist; she held on tight. "Hmm, inside and out," she muttered, taking a deep cleansing breath now, doing her best to still the quake in her heart as Derek's fingertips dancing along her opening.

Derek leaned over and grabbed the bottle of oil, a small, satisfied smile setting along his handsome face as he let small drops of oil trickle onto Meredith's nipples. Her melodic giggle filled the air as he looked down at her and chuckled. "So … you want me to wind your clock, hmm?" he asked with a smirk, raising his brow.

Meredith smirked as they laughed at his lame joke in reference to her _'yoni clock'_, the woman's inner dial of emotional connectivity to her sexuality. "I do …," she whispered, emotion clogging in her throat already. "Massage me open …," she muttered, locking her eyes with her lover's – _'I love you'_ – she whispered from somewhere deep down inside; his eyes softened and she knew he heard her.

"I love you too," he answered aloud; leaning down he seized her earlobe with his mouth. "You know how much … I do love you … enough to … massage you open," he husked before he pressed his nose into her neck and breathed her _in, in, in. _

Pulling back, Derek finally released his hold on Meredith's yoni, her sweet sex coating his fingers now as he applied a generous amount of oil to his hands, turning to let small droplets fall directly onto her pussy – _she relaxed her thighs, the chasm of her core opening slightly as she did_ – her flesh slick and plump; he watched with interest as the oil trickled inside … gently lubricating and breaching her delicate folds.

Sighing heavily, Derek rested one hand over the baby and the other Meredith's heart – _her muscle pulsed against his palm_ – his thumb found her nipple where he gently pushed the nub back and forth, reminding himself to breathe as Meredith closed her eyes, connecting and breathing with him. Leaning down, he spoke to her in a hushed whisper. "Remember … you don't have to do anything but feel, there's no pressure to … orgasm …," he breathed, watching Meredith's lips curl into a smile as a breathless laugh fell from her mouth. Derek smiled too; for they knew she would likely cum _and cum hard_ from the intensity of the rituals. "Just breathe with me … slow and deep," he sighed heavily, bringing his hand from her heart up to her scalp where he cradled her skull. "In and out, slow and deep," he muttered, closing his eyes for a beat, moving his fingertips to graze Meredith's oil-saturated folds, a guttural moan escaping from her lips now.

Her call roused him and he opened his eyes to find her in the dim light, his mind connecting again as he leaned over and got to work _– tantric fire touches on his mind now, playful touches, both sexual and arousing, touches from the mouth and teeth and fingernails_– he pressed his mouth to her heart and hummed, vibrations of true love and passion ricocheted back and forth now as the couple sighed into the air together … sighs so deep and so soulful they could only be drawn from coveted love and adoration and respect. His core stirred, his fire was ignited and a hot shiver rippled through his body – _and yet he held himself still inside the moment_ – connecting, keeping himself in the present.

Ignoring the salty tears in his eyes, Derek focused again, lifting his lips, he moved his mouth down, sweeping his fat tongue across her engorged nipples – _ripe, poised, delicate and delicious, she was gorgeous_ – bending even closer, he suctioned his whole mouth over one of her breasts and latched on. Leaving one hand cupped over her yoni, he moved his other hand to her other breast where he rolled her fat nipple between this slippery fingers – _all the while he lapped and nipped and sucked on Meredith's sumptuous flesh _– rolling her hard nipple in his mouth until he pressed his teeth around her nub and added gentle pressure, eliciting a breathless moan from his lover, her whole body trembling now as she raised her hips, pressing her thighs together_ –_ _holding his fingers in place_ – right where she wanted them: _at the apex of her molten womanhood_.

Barely coming out of his haze of ecstasy, Derek pulled his mouth from Meredith's breast and raised his head, watching over her as she writhed with pleasure – _both arms above her head in submission, her eyes closed, her belly large and beautiful, her face still flushed and glowing_ – he took a deep breath and so did she; their fishing line still taut with connectivity. Wasting no time now, he bent over and moved further down her body using a combination of his mouth, tongue and fingernails as he went – _lick, nip, drag, lick, nip, drag – down, down, down_ he traveled to his prize. Her fragrant sex swarming in the thick air now as he took a deep breath in – _his mouth watered, his core burned up _– his fingers moved along her slit as he leaned even closer still and blew on her hot pussy, inhaling a deep breath of his elixir, _in, out, in, out,_ procuring her sex while she responded to his lithe air touch, her folds glistening in the dim light – _her giggle filled the space, her deep moan followed suit_ – she raised her hips again, well aware that this breezy air touch was just a prelude to the fire that would soon follow.

Meredith sighed in response as Derek ran his free hand along her belly and down to her mound, his chin positioned near her opening, his hot breath fanning her sensitive flesh, his eyes on her folds, his middle finger covering her seam – _while he digested what it meant to massage her external yoni, her folds, her hooded clit from its base to its tip _– those touches designed to awaken and arouse and stimulate his lover's sexual energy. He took a deep breath and exhaled over her pussy, his hot, fiery air touch breezing over her folds – _her sex filling his lungs, they breathed together – _Meredith shifted under his touch, relaxing her legs now, her core opening slightly again–_ inviting him inside – _no further words or permissions necessary: _she wanted more._

"Jesus, you're beautiful," Derek breathed, his exhale moving over her again as he cocked his head, watching and feeling her vaginal muscles pulse against his middle finger_, clench, pulse, pulse, pulse, _beating akin to her heart now, and in a sense it was – _the key, the gate_ – to her spiritual self.

Slowly, he moved his other hand from her mound and slipped his fingers down to flank the hood of her clit, his other fingers moving to carefully separate her outer folds, careful not to touch her precious nub – _not yet anyway_ – for he first wanted to play with her layered opening, he wanted to look with at her with a new light – _akin to a miner with a light cap on_ – he wanted to see, _really see_ the intricacy of his woman's essence – _this part of her being that made her tick_ – this part of her, that not even he –_ her most sacred and cherished lover _– had yet to see. Breathing her in, he focused again, massaging her plump outer folds with the pads of his thumbs, rolling the oily, sexy flesh against his fingers, pulsing even pressure over her covered nerves – _'breathe, breathe, breathe' – _stilling any and all movement, her muscles pulsed against his fingers, drawing him closer and closer to her core.

Meredith released a long exhale and jackknifed her thigh. Derek looked up and away from her yoni, spying now the simple sated expression set along her beautiful face – _she was like Venus_ – swathed in sexual energy, shrouded in dim lights of their bedroom with her glowing skin and her arms still above her head – _her palms facing up and open _– she was open and vulnerable _and for a fleeting moment, _Derek lost himself again in the idea that she truly trusted him. Never falling short to recognize this blessing now, for he would never take her for granted. His heart plummeting now as his mind swiftly drifted to their earlier days together and his acts of deceit and unfairness – _he coached himself to let it go_ – and then he did, exhaling long and hard, listening now as Meredith's strong exhale echoed his, twirling up and into the air all around them.

_They were in-sync … they were in love … they were committed._

Meredith's muscles pulsed – _massaging his fingers now_ – coaxing him back to the present where he focused again and waited … waited for her clit to appear on its own terms as he paused, allowing his woman's sexual spirit to sore to new heights while he sat idly by as a witness, no more than a conduit for her energy to move through him – _surrendering to her power over him once again_ – driving her mad without even trying, her slit drenched, her abundant sex wafting up … her clit, so close – _so maddening close to exposure now_ – she bucked her hips, he massaged her opening, covering his fingers in her sex as the tiny protected nub blossomed – _his chest tightened and they exhaled together,_ _her hips bucked up again _– forcing the pad of his thumb to move across her exposed nerves.

_Meredith moaned, tiny nerves pinged her whole body now… her hips gyrated – her sweet sex drenched Derek's fingertips – he stilled his hold on her for a beat in time, holding her there – her taut hood stretched back, her muscles pulsed on and on, and she wanted more – but he kept her there still, right there in the present … with him. She took a deep breath and heard him exhale; she matched her breathing with his and with her eyes closed tight, she rode the waves of the whirlpool of bliss as it pulsed its way through her body in systematic intervals, her spine arching into his heat, more, more, more._

_Surrendering to his hold over her, Meredith let herself go now; she opened her eyes and watched as Derek did the same – her cheeks heating as he moved through his sequence of touches – all of which rocked her core, one hand moving sinuously along her body while his fingers massaged her folds, gently caressing her sex, coaxing her to her peak – fire, earth, water, fire, fire, fire, water, her floodgates open and ready – he bent over, his mouth hovering over her opening, he exhaled – hot-cold air breezed along her pussy – air, air, air … her hips bucked up to close the small distance between them – where he pressed his mouth over her core and hummed and growled into her hole – her body convulsed with the swell of an orgasm. She rode the waves, her mind blank now as Derek pulled his mouth away and found her eyes where they met for a split-second before bliss carried her away for a second beat in time. _

"_Just breathe," _came Derek's voice. Meredith opened her eyes, his fingers still nestled along her slit – _she opened her thighs_ – taking another deep breath before she found his tempo breathed with him. "In and out," he coached, meeting her gaze where he held her inside the moment.

_Leaning forward, he cradled her skull with his hand before he kissed her neck … pulse-pulse. Craning her head back, Meredith afforded him easier access to one of her more erogenous spots … pulse-pulse. She sighed heavily now as he massaged her folds again – sticky, hot, oily – his fingers playing her akin to an instrument – like some magical flute – their breathless sighs nothing more than a symphony, an orchestra that encapsulated them as he played her on and on under the billowy candle lights. _

"In and out," Meredith repeated into crease of her lover's neck, his breath hot and humid – _in, out, in, out_ – he went as he hovered over her, his calming energy covering her like a cashmere blanket.

_Her heart raced, Derek's lips still pressed to her pulse on her neck, he reached over and grabbed the oil – her body became heavier and heavier still as her orgasms subsided – she closed her eyes again, pressing her back into the pillows and the mattress below them. She felt Derek's fingers along her folds and opened her eyes to connect. He dipped his head down, his breath breezing across her mound as he went – she felt him ease her lips apart, first her outer layer and then her more sensitive interior layer – he held the bottle up and small droplets of oil cascaded along her opening – almost a water touch in its own rite – he snapped the bottle shut, made eye contact with her and smiled. _

_He set the oil down and got back to work, kneading her flesh, moving his fingers along her slit until he finally touched her clit, massaging her nub directly now – his strokes more delicate and slower and more thoughtful – Meredith heaved a sigh, once again relishing in her love of this man and his reciprocated love as she watched him play with her, his attention intense, his focus acute, the look on his face: somewhere between complete awe and uninhibited love. _

"I love you," Derek muttered, his voice caught somewhere along their fishing line. He flicked his eyes to hers, his fingers moving along her delicate folds, her tiny clit pulsed. His cock twitched, stirring his core. "Ready for more?" he asked, his chest tight with love as his eyes moved over her belly _… baby … tomorrow, tomorrow_.

"Hmm, I love you too … I'm … ready … yes … yes," Meredith sighed, opening her hips to her lover, offering herself to him as she watched him run his pointer finger up and down her opening, ever so slightly breaching her folds … teasing her open.

_Derek bent over and kissed the dewy flesh of her neck, his finger still massaging her opening, dipping a little lower now, fractions of an inch at a time. Meredith relaxed her legs open, Derek moved his lips down, down, down, his mouth hovering over her breasts – he volleyed his head, back and forth now – mercilessly teasing her before he finally chose one to close his mouth over. With the pad of his finger moving up and down her slit now and his mouth pulsing over her engorged nipple, another wave of orgasms pinged her body – her neurons reacted, going crazy, her head went fuzzy, blank, blank, blank – teetering out of control when he gently bit on her nipple, her body heaved, her breasts swayed … her heart caught on fire. _

Without moving his mouth from her bosom – _Derek applied several water strokes to her yoni_ – his lips firmly attached to her hardened nipple, his fingers playing along her slit before he finally breached her opening with his long middle finger, flanking her folds with his other fingers as he slowly dipped beyond her opening _– her muscles doing all the work now as he patiently waited and waited for her to milk him inside, the clock ticked on and on, but he waited still, still, breathing in and out as she tenaciously moved his finger along her channel_ – his chest tightening while his finger disappeared deeper and deeper into her hot fleshy depths.

Sighing heavily together, he rested his finger at her twelve o'clock: _the fleshy pad of her G-spot_. Damn,she'd never felt this hot _– her internal temperature raged on and on_ – her molten heat surged – _she was on fire_ – open and on fire in mind, body and sexual spirit for what was to come.

"Hmm, Meredith," he breathed, pulling his lips from her nipple. Raising his head, he made eyes contact with his lover as her muscles pulsed around his finger …_pulse-pulse_. She smiled and relaxed her legs again. "I'm at twelve," he smiled, keeping his eyes trained on hers, one hand over her heart, her erect nipple trapped between his fingers, he moved her nub, gentle earth touches, around and around.

"My G …," she breathed, her muscles milking his finger as he stroked her spot, straight up at her twelve, her eyes locked on his – _their eyes crinkled with this insane love around the edges_ – _God she was so in love, they were so … in love_. "Hmm, right there," she encouraged with an exhale, long and hard as Derek moved his free hand, pressing earth touches over her thigh near her apex – _gently opening her folds with his external pressure _– his free hand moving along her belly now; she watched him silently connect. She breathed as he moved his finger …_tick, tick, tick_ … around the clock he went.

His hand pressed over her heart again, their eyes locked. "Breathe with me," he requested softly, leaning down to her ear. "Hmm, I love you … going to one … your one o'clock," he sighed heavily, his breath hot and thick, her small internal pulse raged against his finger now. Their eyes still locked as he stayed there _– her body fishtailing slightly as he moved his finger along her pulse at her two o'clock_ – hmm …she liked two o'clock.

_Meredith swayed under the pressure of his barely there touch – her mind hovering above her body now – as she breathed in tandem with Derek, training herself to stay with him, willing herself to let any and all emotions that came with the ritual to be unearthed – the good and the bad – for this was about her, she reminded herself … it was about her and not necessarily about Derek and what he was to her or provided for her … this was all about her. She sighed deeply; her internal pulse massaged his finger –'mine, mine, mine' it said – and was the only signal her lover would receive or need. _

Derek smiled, holding her there inside the moment. Her hand moving down to his forearm where it stayed _– her new heirloom sparkling amongst the billowy candlelight_ – he breathed, connecting as Meredith raised one of her knees, shifting her weight. He breathed again; exhaling long and hard – _the rain pelted against the window, also hard_ – he moved his finger along her dial slightly, finding a cavern he never felt before at around her four o'clock. He lingered there, watching a range of emotions cross over Meredith's face now, her fingers still pressed along his forearm _– moving to his hand swiftly now as she linked her fingers with his over her heart – beat, beat, beat_ … and therein the world became a place for just the two of them, perched on this … precipice, this plateau of deep love and vulnerability.

_Meredith found his eyes and he watched as a lone tear slipped free and then another. She stared at him still. He leaned closer; the world became even smaller, still._

"You're okay … and safe … safe," he muttered, his hand cradling her skull as she breathed out, long and hard and let it all go – _for whatever it was … was hers, her sexual emotion, to keep, to set free_ – her eyes closed tight … her thighs open again … the tears of her storm receding now.

_Meredith focused on her breathing and let it all go – this place, this four o'clock of hers seemed like some kind of alternative universe within her core, the seat of her sexual self – this place so deep within her cavern that it was protected __by__ her __from__ her. For it was her place of empty love and unmanageable pain – it was her past – it was the asylum of her abandonment and denial … four o'clock was where she kept it all. More salty tears fell, mixing now with the sheen of passionate dew that covered her face and neck._

_She smiled weakly, somewhere deep inside now – for it was Derek who held her there – inside this terrifying place as she allowed herself to come to terms with the malevolence that was housed here – and inside this moment, it was Derek, her most trusted … everything … who finally afforded her the opportunity to shed those few salty tears. And in the end it was his willingness to do this for her – his act of selfless love – that provided her with the impetus to say farewell to all of those nameless and faceless lovers she met and so desperately connected with in an effort to avoid the pursuit for more from her life. And so it was … in the here and now, on this strange terrain of her four o'clock that all those men disappeared – gone, gone, gone – she shed the memories of their faceless beings. _

_She heaved a sigh, in, out._

_A lone tear fell and splashed along her hot cheeks now – the rain outside fell too – as a horrifying memory of George on top of her invaded her mind while another set of tears crashed along the shoreline of her cheeks … her heart still for a beat as she let herself own that moment with her old friend – 'go, go, go', she chanted now – as he too became nameless and faceless until all that remained was her openness and her vulnerability – the vacant cavern of her four o'clock – filling up with love and adoration and appreciation for Derek and their unborn baby now … fill, fill, fill. _

_She was full of love._

_And therein inside this precious moment of time, Meredith was blessed and finally willing to accept that she deserved these blessings … love, Derek, their miracle baby and a future of happiness and longevity with the family they would create. _

_Create. Birth. Give. Life. Love. Love. Love. _

Derek smiled and met his lover's eyes, moving his free hand through her wild tresses – _he watched her emotional upheaval subside, her eyes became bright green and clear again_ – the intensity lodged within all but gone now as he stared at her and she at him – _safe and sound and secure under their canopy_ – he was the last man standing, he knew this much.

Sighing together now, Meredith lowered her knee and released her vaginal hold on his finger, wordlessly urging him to turn her dial. Keeping his finger at her five o'clock for a beat, he pulsed against her flesh and held her there – _a guttural moan escaped from her lips; her hips rocked up and shifted her hips_ – reflexively moving his finger to her six 'o clock where she really wanted it. He watched her eyes roll back – _her muscles milking his finger now as he held his hand straight now, just like an arrow, straight, straight_ – applying small pulses, her moans intensifying … filling the air … her breasts swaying as she heaved deep breaths, _in, out, in, out._

Derek's core stirred, his cock twitched – _but he breathed with her still_ – careful to remind himself, this wasn't about him or making her cum … it was about connectivity, it was what Meredith so intrinsically wanted before she gave birth – _finding that plateau_ – the one in which she could freely stand upon and open herself up to have their baby and own their future. He hummed with her as he brought his mouth down to her heart and pulsed his lips over her wild muscle – _'breathe, breathe, breathe'_ – her skin salty and sweet and nutty and so incredibly Meredith that he wanted to devour her – _but he held himself steady as she came again and again and again _– while he held her there at her six o'clock in the face of undying love and unwavering respect and support.

His lover's breathless sighs subsided and Derek moved on, his free hand compressing loving earth touches along her swollen belly, a gentle acknowledgment of this unborn spirit – _'I love you'_ – he chanted deep inside – _'tomorrow, tomorrow'_ – he muttered now as tears flooded his eyes, watching Meredith the _mother_ – _whole and healed_ – calm herself as she opened her bright eyes to find Derek in the dim afternoon candle lights.

"You okay?" he asked, pulsing his finger at around her nine o'clock – _she liked here, nine o' clock _– her cavern warm and fleshly and soft and happy. She smiled and nodded, finding him through her hooded eyes. She was tired. Derek leaned over and caressed his fingers along her hairline, tiny water touches with just his fingertips.

_Meredith heaved a sigh, enjoying the slow pulse of her muscles against Derek's fingers – he moved to her ten o'clock – a small orgasm rocked her body – her toes curled. She could feel the inertia of her body, her nerves on high alert, the swell before the storm of her twelve o'clock – she was in the eye, perfectly serene – her body saturated with love and affection and evening primrose oil._

_Derek moved again, his free hand pressed over her breast, her heart banging against his palm on the precipice of her twelve o'clock, her G-spot within reach now. Her head foggy with lust – 'breathe, breathe, breathe' – she reminded herself. She felt Derek's lips set upon her neck just under her ear where he whispered and professed that there was no beginning or end to his love of her, endless, infinite, and eternal._

_Her heart swelled with love – her core rocking her senseless, her calls of praise and love hung in the thick dim light – her hand flew to his back where she held him down with her. She breathed in and out; her whole body rose up to meet his, her belly hard and tight as a contraction rocked her in tandem. The baby rolled, waking up now, pressing against her ribs, rubbing against Derek's flesh as he applied even pressure straight up to her G-spot – she opened her hips wide, an orgasm rippled throughout her body – her spiritual and physical being lost and found within the storm of blissful oblivion now. Her vaginal muscles clenching hard, harder than ever before as she imagined her cervix opening … ripening … readying for the birth of their miracle._

_Derek pulled back and she opened her eyes – he smiled tenderly – pressing his lips to her temple. She was a sweaty, panting mess of a woman – a woman – and for the first time in her life, spiritually and completely whole and healed under her lover's watchful and tender touch. She couldn't take her eyes off of Derek, her lover, her everything, she smiled, knowing there were no words to describe how she felt. Derek pulled his finger from her hold, both hands caressing her temple now as they stared at one another with awe and renewed connectivity._

Derek heaved a sigh, his breath breezing over Meredith's temple, his hands – _now swathed in her abundant sex_ – moved down along her body as he applied simple flowing water touches to her hot skin, mixing in some air touches_, earth and fire gone for now_ as he calmed her down with his hands, rubbing her down, keeping her open and connected while he did. He took a deep cleansing breathe – _and let all the forces of nature funnel though his hands, imagining those forces transferring to Meredith_ – their sexual energy and spiritual selves in matrimony now, reveling in the fact that the perfect storm of _'them' _was alive and well and spiritually stronger and more bonded than ever before.

Meredith rolled to her side, her body stiff, yet pliant and completely relaxed. Derek moved to lay down beside her – _the baby between them, alive and well and awake now –_ his hand found hers, _rub, rub, rub_. "Kiss me," she whispered ... and so he did for the first time since they embarked on their spiritual ritual, this journey of theirs.

"I love you," he replied against her mouth. Her hand found his heart, she pressed her palm against his muscle while they kissed and kissed, their canopy of energy covering them akin to a warm blanket now. He watched her eyes close.

"I love you," she whispered, her voice cracking, her eyes closed, submitting now to her exhaustion … she was spent, but oh so beautifully sated and open. Her eyes found his for another fleeting moment. "Never forget … how much …," she sighed, pressing her lips together.

"You know I won't … sleep," he encouraged, pulling her even closer.

_And so she did. Her breathing regulated, her pussy swollen with passion, the baby rolling between them. The afternoon sun, high in the sky above them – the rain subsiding now as she married her breathing to its rhythm against the rooftop – the billowy candle lights brighter now in the darker room – everything was how it should be – and therein she relaxed as her lover watched her fall fast sleep._

###

Meredith woke up some time later – _the sun having set already_ – she was alone, this much she knew, having felt Derek leave their bed at some point earlier. She rolled over then, but she didn't dare move herself – _for she was so relaxed, her limbs like Jell-O, her hands found her belly where she rubbed her skin, one moving up to her breasts, her fingertips rolling over her sensitive nipples_ – she closed her eyes and took a deep breath, her sex was the air she breathed, remnants of her massage filled her lungs to capacity, easily recalling her euphoria now. She sighed with satisfaction, it was late, the room was darker now; Derek had draped a cashmere blanket over her body. Rolling to her side, she felt the full weight of the baby press against her bladder – _and then_ _she smiled – 'tomorrow'_ was all she could think. She swung her feet over the side of the bed and rested her hands along her fat belly, rubbing her little one.

Sighing now, she stood up, her hand resting on the mattress in an effort to ground herself. The cooler air attacked her skin as she started toward the bathroom, stopping to slip on one of Derek's button down shirts. The fabric felt cool against her hot skin as she entered the bathroom, the tiles cold against her feet, waddling slightly to the toilet where she sat down and relieved her bladder. She gingerly wiped herself, her pussy swollen and sensitive from their ritualistic afternoon – _her keen sexual prowess coursed through her as she stood – _she was horny as hell and fully intended to do something about that.

She washed her hands and swiftly exited their bedroom in search of her lover, traveling slowly down the hallway, the fire crackling in the distance calling to her now – _the room surely hot and humid_ – her swollen pussy pulsing already. She smiled as she entered the living room, spying Derek lying along the sofa wearing only a pair of drawstring pajama bottoms. He turned his head, propped up against a pillow along the armrest, setting one of his many _'new father'_ books down on the floor next to the sofa without a word. He sucked a deep breath in. The heat from the fireplace lapped at her back _– fire touches_ – a shiver ripped up her spine.

Meredith cocked her head, but didn't say anything – _instead she sauntered over to him_ – her belly and breasts hanging freely and heavily now as his shirt fell open. Smiling down at her man, she leaned over and plucked his lips with hers, her free hand pulling at the tie on his pajama bottoms; wasting no time before she slipped her inside his pants to find her prize _– his cock jumped at her touch_ – his hands found her nipples where he gently twisted them.

"Hmm, I woke up wanting you," she husked, pumping his rod – _'damn, he felt so good' _– his hips rose up, he pushed his pants down – _eye to eye now _– the lovers smiled, their brand of fiery heat instantly raging between them, _ping, ping, ping. _

"Hmm, I like where your head is," Derek replied, her sex wafting up all around him as she straddled him, his hands on her hips to guide her home – _her hot and ready center_ _meeting his erect rod in one fluid_ _motion _– her hips wiggling over his as the pair cackled breathlessly, relishing in their connectivity.

"Take me …," Meredith sighed, keeping her eyes trained on Derek's through her lashes; his breathless laugh filled the air. Shifting slightly, she placed her hands on either side of his head against the wall behind him, the underside of her belly resting against his pelvic bone as she leaned forward. "I need you," she sighed, her head lulling back as his mouth found the swell of her breasts where he pressed wet kisses to her flesh while he snaked hand one through her mound to rub his cock up and down her soaking wet slit.

"Damn, Meredith …," he heaved, his warbled call ringing around in his head, his heart pounding, her core molten hot and slick – _he swiped his hard cock up and down again, her sex swathing his sensitive tip now as he breached her opening – pulsing up, up, up into her heat as she sank down, down, down_ over him until the space between them was obliterated.

"Oh God," Meredith heaved, sucking the fragrant hot air into her lungs, Derek's shirt falling from her shoulders as she gyrated her hips. "I … deeper …," her voice cracked as he impaled her _– his cock harder than she ever remembered_ – thick … ready … damn … she needed him … deeper!

"Hmm, Jesus …," Derek husked, his mouth hovering over her nipples as her breasts swayed in his face – _hot_ _air touches_ – _in and out, in and out_, he eyed the large raspberry targets before darting his tongue out to take a taste of her sweet flesh – _massaging her nub with his mouth – _he simply could not get enough … _suck, pull, bite, bite, flick, flick, flick, _he was breathless and so was she, he pulled back, pulsing up and into his lover now … no pulse too deep … no emotion too strong.

_Meredith's full breasts swayed, rocking with her body as they began to harmonize within each other – short, rhythmic, barely there pulses – neither one needing to move very much, their heightened emotions effortlessly whisking them away to cloud nine – blissful oblivion in reach now as Meredith's muscles milked Derek's – her sense of ownership more concrete than ever before. _

_The fire crackled pulling Meredith from her internal world of bliss – she opened her eyes – and found Derek beneath her right where she left him. Breathless, he pulsed deeper – raising his knees up to provide leverage as she rode him – her body heavy and full of life and love. She felt a small tear slip from the corner of her eye and she watched Derek smile – his face flushed and hot, his blue eyes glistening like the sun over the Indian Ocean – his hands roaming all over her body now as he fucked her senseless while she rode the waves and currents of her emotions, her heart on fire with love … he was beautiful, so beautiful it almost hurt to look at him …almost. _

_Derek grasped a hold of Meredith's hips; she raised herself, pushing her hands against the wall, her body lunging forward as much as she could now while he took all she had to give and more – pulsing just the head of his cock in and out of her slick channel – hot, cold, hot, cold – his fingers found her clit, flick, rub, rub, flick, flick, hold, hold … her belly rubbing against his wrist systematically as he played with her nub in an effort to get her off – her green eyes sparkling, she was happy, sated – Meredith was happy, his heart swelled … damn, she was so beautiful. _

_He felt her grow heavier now and watched her slip under his spell – his thumb pressed over her bundle of nerves – her legs spread wider over him as he held there, her muscles grabbing his cock now as she trembled, keeping him in place as his sack tightened, his orgasm gathering speed now, faster and faster still until he released – growling her name as he came – smacking into her endless depths one final time as she came down on him, grinding her hips against him … milking him … taking him … loving him … saving him._

_And there they stayed inside this stance of love and bliss and respect and openness, cradling one another, kissing and hugging and making the most of their brand of lovemaking – the rain had stopped, the fire crackled and hissed – the air was hot and sweet and fragrant with their sex … they were everywhere – they were home, they were a world away, they were inside the Zen cottage and safe within their room in Negara or even safer still, inside their magical suite in Ubud – they were everywhere … and that was just fine by them._

"Tomorrow," Derek husked breathlessly against the damp skin of Meredith's neck as he pushed himself up, his cock slipping free from her hold now as he cradled his lover still.

"Tomorrow," Meredith breathed, her lips pressed to his hairline – _their miracle baby nestled between them_ – her hands draped around his neck. "I'm ready Derek," she sighed, her left hand moving to the top of her belly – _rub, rub, rub _– her heart stilled, baby tears stung her eyes.

"Me too," he answered with surety as he caught a glimpse of the heirloom ring perched upon her finger – _spying an auspicious rainbow within_ – as the colors bounced against the hot flaming lights billowing throughout their enclave.

###

Derek slept soundly that night for the first time in weeks. For he finally felt like they had some direction and connectivity – _he felt Meredith was ready to birth –_ he felt like she owned the birth experience she would come to live and remember and cherish for all time and that was all he ever wanted for her. Stirring now, he felt for his lover – _his heart racing as he realized she was not where she should be _– sitting up like a bolt of lightning, Derek slipped out of bed, peeking into the bathroom and then at the clock – _5:02 AM_ – before he strode down the dark hallway to find his woman.

Relaxing when he saw her standing near the hearth, a cup of piping hot tea in her hand – _tufts of steam rising from her cup_ – his shirt from the night before hanging from body, her fit calves and thighs and fuller tush all in plain sight as she patiently waited for tomorrow to come _– waiting for the sun to rise_ – waiting for her sunrise over the water, the one she loved so very much. He smiled tightly and came to stand next to her, his hand reflexively went to her lower back while she leaned into his heat _– neither one said a word for a beat_ – the sky became a shade lighter under their watch.

"Tomorrow's almost here," she murmured, swaying on her feet – _her lower back tight, her belly and thighs tight too _– she turned her face and pressed her chin up.

"Almost …," he breathed, pressing his lips to hers, soft and quick but long and lingering all the same.

_The couple turned into one another and kissed and kissed and kissed – the sky becoming brighter and brighter still – the world all around them stopped, each thinking – 'it was almost tomorrow, tomorrow was almost here' – losing themselves in one another, swaying now, almost dancing together, their miracle baby rolling in between them, roll, roll, roll. _

_Breathless and still swaying together, the couple pulled away, smiling from ear to ear – Derek's hands caressing Meredith's face, her fingertips running along his hairline – each in awe of one another. Derek turned and looked through the windows, his hands moving through Meredith's tresses … he eyed the horizon and so did she … where they waited … for tomorrow … together. _

"The sky's lighter," Meredith chirped, her head spinning for a split-second when she felt something wet trickle beyond her naked folds.

"Dawn is breaking …," Derek sighed, his eyes on the horizon as he waited for that first glimmer of the sun.

"And so has my water …," Meredith gasped as she shifted on her feet – _trickle, trickle, trickle_ – her heart skipped a beat … for it seemed tomorrow was upon them.

**Epilogue – Into the Mystic – Part 5 of 6 to follow.**


	58. Epilogue, Into the Mystic, Part 5 of 6

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al. **

**Author's Note: Like many of you, this time of year is busy for me … I finally found a few minutes to get this up here for you, I sincerely hope you enjoy this part and that it meets your expectations. Please … think of how nice of a holiday gift it would be for me to hear from some of you who refrain from sharing your thoughts with me … please consider letting me know what you think. Thanks, it means a lot to me, countless hours were spent writing this story, so yeah … it would mean a lot. **

**Epilogue – Into the Mystic – Part 5 of 6 **

"_We were born before the wind."_

Derek closed the car door and engaged the alarm – _hunkering down against the cold salty airstream, he shuddered, his spine recoiling_ – shrugging his shoulders as he pressed on, bounding up the steel steps two at a time, making his way back up to the helm where Meredith presently waited for him … her desire for a peppermint, his reason for their brief separation.

The morning air was crisp and damp, a heavy layer of dew clung to his skin like mosquitoes to a net – _none of this was unusual, not the temperature of the air or the small collection of early morning commuters_ – nothing was different, he sighed reflectively now as his eyes scanned the bay. Nothing _… _except that there was something so suddenly and remarkably different about this not-so-random moment on this commuter ferry – _for today was tomorrow and tomorrow had indeed arrived_ – in fact … Derek's _'tomorrow' _was laboring at the helm.

He sighed, moving off of the steps, his eyes darting once again over the expansive view of the vast Elliott Bay – _small white caps adorned the sinuous currents, a fog horn blew in the distance, it's soul-filled call lulling him for a beat _– the scene was one to remember, he thought now as the memory adhered itself to his past, present and future. He sucked a deep breath of the cold air, his throat burned; his heavy, warm breath flew up and into the atmosphere as he his eyes wandered over the gray-green-murky-earthy landscape _– flip, flip, flip_ – he rotated the tin of mints in his hand before he sauntered off toward the helm where he immediately spotted Meredith's pregnant form behind the morning veil of thick fog.

Derek's heart skipped a beat when he saw her then, his lover, his absolute … his everything – _with the way the fog encapsulated her, the bright white filtered light doing nothing short of magical things to her, somehow adding this insane luminous glow to her already glowing physique_ – she was an angel, so serene from afar as she labored with their love-baby; waves of her golden tresses wild with freedom, framing her angelic face akin to a halo now.

The mints tumbled inside the tin as he flipped it – _back and forth – flip, flip, flip,_ he stood quietly and watched Meredith still. A gust of cold wind whipped up, pushing across the deck, the air stung his eyes, his lover became blurred around the edges for a beat as she turned and set her hands along the metal railing, her back to him now. He blinked, his tears receding as he made his way across the deck and came to stand at her side.

Meredith turned to him and smiled like she had some kind of secret –_she stepped into his arms_ – her belly low and hard between them. Derek took a deep breath of the salty sea and sweet mango-infused air, pressing his chin atop Meredith's head, closing his eyes, he rocked her, cradling her as the vessel pushed its way through the choppy bay water below. He opened his eyes, drifting to the Seattle skyline now barely visible – _'almost there, almost'_ – he chanted silently, again swaying Meredith in his arms, feeling her weight upon him as she grew heavier and more relaxed now as he held her even tighter still.

_And there the lovers stayed, swaying, rocking and lulling one another, supporting one another, cherishing, loving – calm, calm, calm, swoosh, swoosh – aligned with the current below them and the power of the vessel that swiftly carried them, pulling them closer and closer to their destination_ …_ another precipice, another new beginning. _

Meredith pulled Derek closer, burying her cold nose into his neck. She held on tight now – _her body humming in preparation for what was to come, her mind wild with a range of thoughts, repeating over and over again_ – in no particular order, none of them particularly frightening either … except they were all suddenly so tangible _… and real_ … that her mind and body were saturated with new synergies in an effort to remind her of just how far she and Derek had come … and where exactly they were headed, together.

_She was about to become a mother, the birth mother; a baby born of her flesh and blood, baby, baby ... baby tears pricked her eyes. And Derek … this man who had consumed her, almost from the moment they met – so long and windy was the road, their road to recovery – that same road that put them right here, right now … Derek, her lover, her everything … was about to become a father … and with that, their chosen path together was just really beginning. Her heart soared, they were engaged (she felt for her ring). Engaged and happy and blessed. It was a simple as that … blessed. The baby kicked her ribs – 'whenever you're ready baby, we'll be here,' – waiting, waiting, waiting. _

Closing her eyes on those blessings now, Meredith lost herself in Derek – _swaying in his arms, rocking back and forth_ – the cold air whipping across her exposed flesh as she sought his warmth _– his capable arms encircling them, warming them_ – loving them. She took a deep breath, a strong mix of raw salt and earth and Derek filled her lungs to capacity – _she lingered there, rock, rock, rock as a contraction consumed her, tighter and tighter still –_ she tread water tenaciously now while she paradoxically sank deeper and deeper into the abyss of herself until she was just outside gateway of the _'Zen cottage'_ … _Zen, Zen, Zen._

She sighed in tandem with Derek as her belly hummed with energy, frozen in place; she let time move her through the contraction – _the spasm, an intense muscle ache, was dull but in no way lifeless _– it wasn't chronic nor was it heart stopping … rather, it was _laborious_ and natural. The intensity subsided and Meredith burrowed deeper into Derek's heat where she stayed for the balance of the constriction, the vise on her belly lifted even more now, the vacuum of time evaporating as she raised her head where she found her lover's eyes, squinting in protest to the bright filtered light from above.

_Derek smiled and pressed one hand to her lower back, his other moving to the angle of her cheekbone, his touch warm, she melted inside – she wanted to retreat, she wanted to disappear within his hold on her – but she didn't, for she couldn't take her eyes off of him. So she tilted her head up instead, his hands found her skull before he ducked down and kissed her thoroughly … warming her up from the outside in, her heart thumping, her belly relaxed now._

_Pulling away from his pulsing lips, Meredith smiled and found herself once again lost in her lover's endless eyes, eyes that had seen so much, eyes that had seen her through … she loved his eyes and on that thought, she smiled broadly – despite the arduous task she was presented with – the fact was … she was fine and still standing after everything they had endured together … she was still in love and lost … so lost within Derek's eyes she cherished so much. She blinked; her giggle filled the miniscule space between then. He smiled, moving her wild tresses away from her face._

"I'm in labor," she breathed, her voice hitched, carried out with the wind, a small satisfied smile covered her face.

"You are … hmm, it's intense," Derek answered, pulling her near, the wind kicking up a notch.

"Intensely laboring on a ferryboat," Meredith chided with a smirk, she raised her brow.

"I have a thing for ferryboats," he muttered, playfully repeating his old joke, plucking her lips with his, he felt her succumb to him.

"How apropos," she suggested – _her breathless giggle filled the space between them_ – Derek's eyes never leaving hers now as the ferryboat pulled them closer and even closer still … _pull, pull, pull._

"I thought so too," Derek whispered into the wind, watching her eyes become lighter and even more playful now. "Still want that mint?" he asked, finding the tin in his pocket.

"Would you kill me if I said, _'no'_," she quipped with a chuckle, tilting her head up, she brushed her lips along his handsome jaw line.

"Hmm, no …," he whispered. "You get a free pass," he muttered with a wry grin.

"I'm in labor," Meredith stated evenly, her heart racing now.

"You're in labor," Derek repeated, his own heart racing now too.

###

"_Smell the sea and feel the sky."_

Derek held the door open for Meredith as she stepped inside, her eyes flicking to the clock in the foyer, it was just after seven, the house was quiet, everyone was at the hospital save for Derek's mother. She closed the door behind her, the latch clicked shut and the outside world fell away; she and Derek moved to slip off their coats and shoes. She sighed, turning around to find Derek as a wave of exhaustion consumed her despite the adrenaline coursing through her entire body. Without a word, Derek picked their bags up and took her hand in his – _the pair ascended the steps together _– the silence all around them cracked open by the familiar creaking of the floorboards of the landing. The lovers moved swiftly down the hallway to her old room. Derek began to unpack their small bags now, moving in and out of the bathroom as he did.

_Meredith surveyed the space in deep thought, the dim morning light offering a peaceful glow to the room now, a branch from a tree outside moved along the window, the scratching sound, so naturally part of the landscape, so quiet … part of the background – she stood still and let the solitude of the room overcome her, for she would birth their baby here, right here – and in this private moment she finally allowed those new feelings of anticipation and excitement to win the battle over her old memories housed in this space once and for all. _

_And therein, she smiled inside now and secretly basked in this newfound serenity – the moment belonging solely to her – summoning this new strength, she reveled in her tenacity to overcome those lifelong feelings of avoidance and abandonment in favor of something better – something she deserved – that future she would share with Derek and this baby._

_And so inside this tiny moment, Meredith surrendered – surrendered herself in mind, body and spirit – to the idea of becoming a birth mother and on that thought she took a lasting deep breath, one that rolled into a loud yawn as Derek dropped their empty bags in the corner of the room and came to stand in front of her. He smiled and pressed his lips together, she instinctively leaned into his touch._

"Tired?" he asked softly, his hand found her belly – _his eyes locked on hers _– she looked tired, but oh so beautiful.

Meredith smiled and leaned further into his touch, their moves around one another structural, full of support, he folded her into his arms where he held her for a long moment, breathing her in _– their minds and hearts aligned_ – her heirloom sparkled amongst the dim shadows, offering new light and clarity.

"Excited, but … yeah … tired too," she smiled, eying the comfort of the bed for a beat. "I think I should rest now … while I can," she mused; her giggle filled the quiet enclave.

"Hmm, smart idea," he chuckled, walking her backward toward the bed.

_Turning out of his arms, Meredith pulled the covers back and slipped in between the cool linens, her sigh of contentment not lost on either player. Derek sat down on the edge of the bed and handed Meredith her cell phone, raising his brow as she smirked. _

"I assume you'll call Cristina before you close your eyes," he muttered with a wry grin, cocking his head expectantly as she smiled and her cheeks turned pink.

Derek chuckled and leaned down, pressing a lingering kiss to her temple _– breathing her in as he did, trying his best to quell his racing heart for a moment_ –that same moment in time where Meredith's hands flew to his neck and she held on tight – _whispering something to him now about how calling Cristina would make it all real somehow_ – and how she just wanted privacy for a while longer, attempting to hold onto that now as she kept him right there for a beat as she too tried to ground herself. He felt her take a steadying deep breath, his hand found her belly, her hand found his … they massaged her taut flesh,_ baby, baby, baby._

"Call her when you're ready … just to call like we talked about, no pressure, remember?" he assured softly into her ear. "I'll call Jyothi at around eight," he assured in a soft voice, his heart squeezed with excitement and anticipation … and the idea of making it real.

"Hmm, okay," Meredith sighed, holding on tight now. "I love you," she whispered into his ear, her voice quivering on the truth of her sentiment _– her heart saturated with love, her lips pressed to his neck _– she was so in love, madly, deeply.

"I love you too," Derek replied softly for her ears only. "Anytime now," he professed, his heart racing on and on … he was in awe … he was breathless.

_The floorboards just outside of their enclave creaked slightly – the aged wood popping, a gentle intrusion now – but one that was also a harsh reminder of their reality when they first met and would hide out together in this space … alone within themselves and all of their woes. Derek's eyes landed on the door, his mother's footsteps faded away as she descended the steps. _

"Mom's up," he whispered with a smile, his eyes roaming over Meredith's body, so full of life it almost hurt to look at her. "Why don't I go down … make you some tea, make sure there's ice for later too," he said before pulsing his lips over her fuller cheek.

"I'd like that," Meredith replied, a large yawn escaping from her perfect heart-shaped lips, her eyes laden with sleep, fatigue consuming her and seemingly out of nowhere. "My eyes are heavy … you wore me out yesterday," she muttered with a sheepish grin.

Derek chuckled and leaned down, he pressed another kiss to her cheek, then left teeny, tiny impressions as he moved down to her neck where he pulsed her flesh, _once, twice,_ just under her earlobe. "Hmm, this is true," he breathed, _in out, in out,_ filling his lungs with his elixir once more before pulling away, his blue eyes colliding with her sleepy green orbs.

He ran his fingertips along her cheekbones then – _a bit breathless from the look on her face_ – she was exhausted, but more gorgeous than he'd ever seen her before. His heart pinched, deeper and deeper now … he was lost … until she blinked and broke her spell.

"Ask your mother," Meredith reminded him with a voice as soft as her smile.

"I will," he replied, moving his fingertips along her hairline, watching now as she closed her heavy lids and her grip slackened on her cell phone.

_Derek slipped the phone from her hand and set it on her night table – they had plenty of time to call their friends – having already agreed that they would make one call to Cristina (and let her alert the pack) and another to Larissa and try their best to get a hold of Ketut. Other than that – they were on their own – with only Jyothi and his mother … they knew the energy around them would remain peaceful and that's what they cared for, bringing this little life into the mix with peace and harmony, the Balinese way, their way. _

_Still deep in thought, Derek slipped from the bedroom now and made his way down the steps to greet his mother. He smiled broadly when he entered the kitchen moments later and found her loitering near the coffee pot, perhaps willing the elixir to brew more efficiently. She turned to the doorway – her whole face (including her sleepy eyes) woke up at the sight of him – she smiled and pulled another mug from the drain board._

"Meredith's water broke," he announced from his spot, making it real.

Carolyn's heart jump-started; effectively waking her up, she smiled broadly as her son came to stand in front of her, he pressed a kiss to her cheek, she leaned into him, her eyes flicked up and stuck to his like glue … she was frozen in time, for her son was about to become a father. Her mind darted to her husband – _'he would have loved this'_ – was all she could think.

"When?" she breathed _– her heart still racing_ – she poured some coffee into the two mugs in front of her.

"Sunrise," he answered softly, his heart on fire now at the facts of their recent history … those milestones that would forever become a part of their miracle's birth story.

"Well, it _is_ a good morning then," Carolyn sighed happily at the news – _offering a mug to her son now_ – to which she raised hers in the air while he did the same in a mock-toast. "And how's Meredith feeling?" she asked before blowing on the hot, fragrant liquid.

Derek set his mug down on the counter and pulled a cutting board out. "So far … she's exhausted –_ and excited_ – and physically ready … she's in perfect condition, she's perfect," he rambled with a small smile as he took a couple of mangos from the window sill. He put the fleshy fruit up to his nose and inhaled sharply, his eyes locked on his mother's.

"And her … mental status?" Carolyn inquired, gently prodding now.

"On par –_ she's open_ – she's ready," he answered thoughtfully, memories of their magical day and night together filtered into his mind now – _earth, water, air, fire, fire, fire_ – he washed the ripened fruit in cold water, _rub, rub, rub._

Carolyn surveyed her son – _a smile played along her face as she watched him now_ – he shut the water off and got to work on the fruit, slicing the flesh into smaller than normal pieces, pushing the chunks to a designated area on the board as he worked. She took a sip of her coffee and watched him still, his hands working with precision, his eyes flicking to hers for a brief moment – _the dim morning light adding a certain depth she'd never seen before –_ although this newfound depth was something more likely drawn from the events of the previous evening, topped off with that surprise at sunrise.

"And your evening alone?" she prompted after another long minute, Derek looked up from his task. "I assume your timing was right after all?" she persisted with a grin.

"It was …it is," Derek smiled broadly with refection. "She's the one and only … and happy mom, just like I am," he smiled at the finality of it all.

"It's a new beginning son," Carolyn agreed, draping her arm along his shoulders. "You know … you're blessed – _not __everyone__ gets a second chance at happiness_ – you can't lose sight of that …," she mused, squeezing his shoulder.

"I know I am and I won't … _we_ won't," he sighed, unforeseen tears pricked his eyes, his mind instantly on his father … on his mother and how she missed him now, even still. "We're just glad you're here with us," he sighed, keeping his eyes trained on the second fruit as he made the inaugural slice.

"Me too," she answered softly; she took another sip of her coffee.

Her eyes drifting to the mango again – _oddly proud of his intuition with regards to Meredith's needs _– his anticipation of what his wife-to-be might want. He looked up and found her watching him and therein he smirked.

"I was thinking about freezing the smaller pieces … she might want something sweet and cold later, don't you think?" he asked, setting some of the fruit in a small Ziploc container.

"Well," Carolyn chuckled. "It's got to be better than ice chips," she mused with a wry grin.

"No doubt," he answered as he washed his hands.

Carolyn slipped the container into the freezer and turned back to spy Derek washing the board and knife, his back turned to hers now. He dried his hands on a dishtowel and turned around to find her this time. He smiled and she stood there, frozen … stuck in the moment, for her boy was about to become a father – _her mind deluged with thoughts of her late husband, for it had been that way for days on end now_ – the likeness of her son to his father on the precipice of _their _precipice, on those days leading up to her own birth experiences – _the likeness was oh so eerily apt now_ – as she watched his energy … his aura ... his persona change right in front of her eyes … for he was a father.

_Derek smiled at his mother – she amazed him, even now, especially now – he walked forward and hugged her then, melting into her stance, her hold on him both firm and gentle and always the same – she was his mother – and he was her son and becoming a father wouldn't change that, in fact, he was certain the events of the day would only transcend her place in his life to an even more important role, that of his beloved miracle's grandmother. He pulled back and found her glassy eyes; she sniffled._

"Mom … about later, when it's time, there is something you can do," Derek said softly, her eyes trained on his. "Meredith and I … we … we'd like you to birth this baby with us … to be with us when the time comes," he sighed, his chest tightening as he spoke.

"Oh my … Derek," Carolyn breathed, her voice hitched before her heart soared as she stared at her boy. "All right then … okay, okay," she mused, pulling him into another instinctual hug.

###

"_Let your soul and spirit fly into the mystic."_

Meredith had slept hard, that was about the only thing she was acutely aware of when she stirred amidst the bed linens some time after Derek had departed. She wasn't sure how long she'd been out, but she slept – _probably better than she had in weeks_ – and maybe it was her body's way of preparing itself for its imminent arduous task or maybe it was a symbolic _'exhale'_ following the breaking of her waters, but in the end, the impetus didn't matter, only that she did indeed rest and that she'd awoken now feeling calm and ready and open and … aligned with the baby, her hand fell to her belly where it stayed.

_She could do this … it was all she could think as she lay there with her eyes closed still – basking in the quiet solitude of the moment – a chance to calm herself … a chance to make herself surrender to the idea of losing herself to find herself … but she didn't feel ready! She needed Ketut, she needed more time – her wild range of emotions bottlenecked, barreling out of control for a beat, her heart raced – she could do this, was all she could think, but wondered why her mind wouldn't listen. _

_Her body felt heavy now, but not achy – she thought it would be responsible to get up to pee – but she was so well-sated, she didn't want to move, not yet … for moving would move time along and she just wasn't sure she was ready for that yet – she wanted a little more time alone – time to collect her thoughts and courage with her eyes closed, closed, closed._

_She took a deep breath._

_She was relaxed._

_She could do this. _

_Her body was ready._

_She took a deep breath._

Papers rustled in the foreground, pulling her from her thoughts, her heart raced – _she opened her eyes and spotted Derek situated in the deep arm chair under the window _– her eyes flicked away to the clock, 10:28 AM. She had a good nap, a good rest. She turned her attention back to Derek and took a good look at him now. He looked a lot like he always did – _his longer hair perfectly disheveled, his face serious, yet relaxed like it typically was whenever he focused on a crossword puzzle, his lips pressed together in concentration_ – the late morning light falling on his shoulders like a halo; he was Derek and he was about to become a father … all because of a split-second.

One blessed chance alone nine months ago afforded them – _this chance for a lifetime in the here and now_ – this chance she had so desperately wanted … the chance he couldn't deny himself either … the chance he took when he hopped on that plane to Darwin to meet her in that magical garden on the other side of his life _… on the other side of the world_.

Those chances that became their fate and destinies fulfilled. Meredith's unbridled emotions raged out of control for a beat before she cleared her throat – _pulling Derek from his puzzle, where he rendered her thunderstruck_ – her mind and body humming with energy now as he stared at her with those gorgeous and endless eyes of his she loved so much; he added a smile and she was a goner.

_Fate and destiny aside … she was in love with those eyes, for those eyes could make her do and feel and say and __know__ … everything would be all right. _

"Penny for your thoughts," Derek sighed, setting his paper down before he stood and crossed the room.

"You first," she whispered her reply as he lay down beside her, scooting close enough to lace his fingers through hers, he pressed against her palm, she pressed back, losing herself in the reflection of his eyes as he stared at her while her heart raced on and on. She lay their hands down on her belly and smiled.

_Derek stared at Meredith, lacing his fingers tightly through hers – the baby kicked – they both rubbed back, gently connecting, his heart pinching him somewhere deep inside, it was a twinge, one that he'd grown more familiar with as Meredith's pregnancy had progressed – it was the pinch of unconditional love – love that had no boundaries, love so innate and organic it could only be the love of a father. He smiled, silently connecting with Meredith now while he reached up with his free hand and rested his palm against her flushed cheek where she leaned into his touch and closed her eyes._

The house was quiet. Her heart thumped inside her ears. The baby kicked again. Derek's warm hand heated her cheek. She opened her mouth to say something, but her throat constricted instead. She tried again. "Derek?" she prompted, opening her eyes to find him.

"Hmm?" he asked, opening his eyes, gently pried from his thoughts now as he brought his hand up and moved a few strands of her hair away from her face. "I'm so proud of you," he mused, awestruck by the depth he found within her – _this woman Meredith Grey_ – she amazed him. "You continue to amaze me – _the way you are_ – so calm, so … ready," he breathed, his voice hitched.

Meredith took a deep breath and shifted – _she wasn't calm_ – her body hummed; her mind on overdrive. She shook her head, still unable to verbalize how she felt. Her belly became taut, she felt the hardening of a contraction seemingly come out of nowhere – _she shifted again, her lower back on fire now as she tried to count or something, anything to move time_ – she wanted to stand, to pace … to walk it out, but she didn't dare move. She closed her eyes instead and waited, just waited the contraction to pass, remembering the duration could be up to ninety seconds long during the early phases of labor. She took a deep breath in and let it go – _'surrender, just let it go' _– she chanted silently as she kept her eyes closed and her world dark as her body worked for her.

_Derek watched is lover's face contort with concentration as she held herself inside the moment – feeling her belly grow hard and still under their mutual touch – swearing now that he could feel the vibration of the contraction as it rocked her. He tried to count, but lost his place after about thirty seconds when Meredith squeezed his hand. Her eyes closed, her cheeks heated, she breathed in and out … preparing to surrender. _

"You okay?" he asked after another minute, her belly relaxing as the contraction started to ebb away.

"Hmm, yeah," she breathed, opening her eyes to find her lover. Her heart sped up as she scanned his face – _fear, anticipation, happiness – _consuming her now despite his unwavering gaze. She took a long and deep breath in an effort to ground herself, her heart clamoring now akin to a swarm of bees to cherished honey.

"Meredith," Derek breathed; scanning her eyes – _he couldn't read her_ – he had no idea what to say or do to help her. He pressed his lips together, struck by the unique stance he found within the endless emerald sparkle of her eyes … she was strong yet her resolve was crumbling.

Meredith stared at him, unwilling and unable to look away – _for within his eyes she was determined to find the strength and peace of mind she was in search of_ – for if not in Derek … if not within herself, where on earth could she find the courage and assurance she needed to surrender her body to the process of birthing this baby, their cherished miracle?

_What if she couldn't do this? What if she couldn't see it through? What if everything within her mind's eye would fail to materialize when she needed it most? _

_Her heart lunged forward – forcing her into the great unknown – her fears on the tip of her tongue now._

"What if I can't do this?" she blurted out, scanning Derek's eyes with hers – _what if, what if, what if _– her heart banged around in her chest.

Derek's heart raced, he moved even closer to her, she laced her legs through his, holding him there, his abdomen touching her belly now as he stared into her glistening eyes, somewhat fearful but just as beautiful as ever. "But you _can_ do this, Meredith," he whispered with encouragement, his eyes never leaving hers.

"Hmm," she sighed, not trusting herself to reply as she closed her eyes and basked in his heat.

And there she stayed _– 'you can do this'_ – came the soft whisper of his voice once again, this time paired with a stock image of Derek standing before her in the OR, her hand on that bomb inside Carlson's chest, his intense blue eyes locked on hers – _'you can do this' _– he encouraged just like he did that day – _'you can do this'_ –she thought now as a small smile graced her face a she listened to the old mantra replay in her mind over and over. She relaxed and took another deep breath.

_Derek moved his free arm down and rested his hand along Meredith's hip, smiling broadly then, for he really had gotten used to seeing her this way – focusing now on his lover's radiant ruby cheeks, the silhouette of her heavier breasts full with milk, her belly peeking out through her oversized tunic – yes … she was full … consumed by the life they created … consumed by their unfettered passion for one another. He could do nothing but smile, his heart raging with love and worry and awe and everything in between._

_And it was in that moment that he remembered something Meredith once said to him. Leaning forward now, he pressed a kiss to her temple; her lips found his pulse point where they stayed. She sighed and so did he as he pulled back to find her eyes._

"You can do this," he reminded her with a small smile. She smiled too.

"I can," she whispered, covering his hand with hers over the baby, _rub, rub, rub._

Derek sucked in a deep breath of his own, Meredith's giggle filled the minute space between them, their bellies still touched, their legs entwined. He kissed her again before he pulled back and spoke to her in a hushed tone, one meant just for her.

"Do you remember what you said to me that night in Darwin – _the night after you showed me this baby_ – the night Larissa and Peter gave us the Doppler?" he asked, shaking his head as he watched her eyes light up. "Remember? We ran back to the hotel in the rain and you …," he chuckled breathlessly in recollection, butterflies swarming his stomach now.

"And I got a stitch … from running and laughing," Meredith breathed, her eyes sparkling now – _shutters of that night flourished in her mind's eye, for they also made love for the first time since their reunion _– her gaze locked on Derek's as she smiled, thinking back now to that magical night … her heart raced; mad, hot love.

"That's right – _and then you told me_ – you told me to calm down, remember?" he chuckled. Meredith smiled her secret smile, nodding through her funneling tears as she sniffled. "You said … you told me you were made for this," Derek whispered, caressing her belly now. "You said you were made to have babies," he reminded her, his voice laden with emotion, tears collecting in his own eyes as Meredith became blurred around the edges.

Meredith giggled through her steadfast emotions; she sniffled and let her tiny tears recede. She found Derek right where she left him … his deep blue eyes glassy with depths of emotion now –_ she watched him take a deep breath, she found his hand and pushed against his palm, lacing her fingers through his_ – her diamond heirloom sparkling in the dim late morning light. She smiled before she spoke again.

"Only your babies Derek," she whispered breathlessly – _his hot breath fanning her face –_ while the fire in her heart smoldered on and on as she repeated the same flirtatious vow she made to him a little more than seven months ago.

"Only my babies," Derek muttered, sucking in her hot, sweet breath, so lost within their memories and their moment now. "I love you … you can do this," he husked.

_Leaning forward, he pressed a lingering kiss to her heart-shaped lips – a kiss that became innately deeper and more powerful – as they pulsed and pulsed their nerves over one another's again and again: grounding, connecting, loving._

"I can … I will," Meredith said against his mouth. "Today," she whispered, her hands flanking his skull as she stared at her lover, nothing but hot, balmy tufts of air between them now.

"Today … you will … and we'll be together the whole time," Derek smiled, watching as Meredith closed her eyes.

_All was silent for a beat then – positive energy pinged and bounced all over the old room now – Meredith's tension ebbing with the last of her contraction; her spirit lighter, no longer laden with pressure to perform … for she could do this – Meredith Grey was the strongest woman he'd ever met – she could do this, she was made to after all. Derek took a deep breath and let the moment linger, reminding himself yet again that he too could do this. His heart raced, anytime now. _

"I have to pee," Meredith announced, jarring Derek from his thoughts.

"Of course you do," he chuckled meeting her open eyes. She giggled as he scooted back and offered her a hand to help her up.

Standing up, the couple kissed, soft and quick. "Be right back," Meredith said softly before she turned to go.

_Derek sat down on the edge of the bed and watched her go, entering the bathroom, she left the door ajar, he sighed heavily with resignation and raked his hands through his wild hair – his hands were tied – something they both knew, something he wished was different; it came down to the fear of the unknown … and it was no secret that it scared him. _

_It had been years since his OB-GYN rotation – years since he'd seen a live birth, a natural live birth without complications – and even then, it was a hospital birth! Sure it was hands-on, but this was completely different, __he__ was the father here – this was his flesh and blood, his and Meredith's – and yet, somehow, the doctor within him was seeping into the forefront; the father … still a bystander. _

_Birth preparedness books aside – he was a doctor and in the end would do whatever it took to ensure his family's health and well-being – really, he would do __whatever__ it took, his heart raced, he shook his head – his hands were tied and it bothered him immensely– he just wanted to be on the other side of this already. Anytime now, anytime. _

_His cell phone rang out just then jarring him from his jumbled thoughts – father or doctor first – he supposed it would be a question for him for all time now. Sighing, he pulled the PDA from his hip, smiling when their dear midwife once again exhibited her sense of perfect timing. _

"Jyothi," he smiled broadly, an unexpected sense of relief consuming him now.

"_Derek,"_ the midwife's melodic voice filled the line, her smile heard too. _"How are things coming along now?"_ she inquired.

"Progressing … I'll let Meredith tell you more, she's in the bathroom," he replied just as his lover slowly emerged, his eyes trained on her as she steadied herself against the doorjamb. "Oh … ah … hold on Jyothi," he sighed, keeping his eyes trained on Meredith – _she closed her eyes_ – her free hand fell to her belly where it stayed. Derek engaged the speakerphone; he stood and crossed the room. "Meredith," he breathed, unsure of how close she wanted him to be.

"Just a sec," she held one finger up – _her brow knitted with concentration_ – she sighed heavily, simultaneously sucking in a deep breath; she did it again, _in and out._

"_Meredith,"_ came Jyothi's voice over the line. _"Whenever you're ready," _she encouraged with a steady voice.

Meredith took a deep breath – _her back and thighs and belly all wound tight –_ a mess of taut nerves, all pinging together, their natural force completely jarring – _it didn't hurt, it didn't take her breath away_ – but she _did _want to feel it … to remember it, for this was progression! Counting back, she realized it had only been about fifteen minutes since her last contraction.

Another deep breath and it would be over, she silently coached herself now – _'breathe, breathe, breathe' _– she reminded herself now as she opened her eyes and found the deep blue ocean of Derek's eyes staring back at her.

"Derek," she breathed; clasping his hand with hers. "Jyothi," she sighed – _the small wave of fear washing out to sea now_ – back and away … receding with the swell of the contraction, _gone, gone, gone_ ... for now.

"What do you need?" Derek asked, his free hand already pressed against the small of her back. "To sit?" he wondered aloud, taking her elbow now.

"No … no …," Meredith muttered, holding herself still.

Her belly relaxed as she leaned into Derek's heat, her lover's voice soft, but concerned, she melted into his energy – _breathing his earthy essence into her lungs, silently grounding herself_ – still allowing herself the lingering moment to feel that first _'real'_ contraction, _gone, gone, gone. _She smiled; Jyothi's voice funneled over the line once again.

"_Meredith, Derek, about how long was the last interval?"_ the midwife asked softly. Meredith looked at Derek expectantly, she knew the interval was closer; she just wanted confirmation.

"About twelve to fifteen minutes … the closest yet," Derek answered.

"_Good, good … and now, Meredith, how do you feel?"_ she asked.

"Energized … I'm okay, feeling more positive now," Meredith replied, leaning into Derek, she looked up and met his eyes, silently connecting. "I … I'm feeling antsy, like I want to walk, stay mobile," she smiled.

"_Mobility is good, good … and energizing, it will help to stay active,"_ Jyothi counseled.

"So does gravity, or so I've read," Meredith mused, the threesome chuckled.

"_That it does – gravity and patience – let your body guide you, use your intuition, you are a mother after all," _the midwife instructed softly.

"So what do we do?" Derek asked, meeting Meredith's hopeful gaze, her cheeks flushed, pink … she was more excited now he could tell, her levity returning despite the arduous task ahead.

"_Well, I don't see why you can't get out for a bit – you're still in the early phases of labor, you can speak through your contractions and they are long, over a minute long, closer to two – you have time … so go out, but just stay close to home … call me when you come in, I'm only ten minutes away,"_ she soothed, her smile heard in her voice still. _"So go … enjoy yourself … your baby will come … today,"_ she mused with calm satisfaction.

_###_

"_Just like way back in the days of old."_

"This was a good idea," Meredith sighed softly, her voice dancing with the wind and trees moving all around them, the air was cool and humid, it felt good as it brushed along her flushed face and neck.

"Brings back memories," Derek sighed, shifting on his feet, he slipped his arm around Meredith's shoulders.

_The couple hadn't walked far, but with just a ten minute car ride and a short, easy walk, they felt like they were a world away from Seattle and everyday life, much like they used to, for it didn't take much, even now … just a few stolen moments alone surrounded by thick fog and dense trees was enough to ground them – today was no different – they were still 'them', only now they were connected, no longer fighting the power of their karmic fate to keep one another. _

_Meredith raised her hand and took a sip of an ice cold bottle of water – the frigid liquid soothed her throat – cooling her from the inside out as it trickled down, down into the furnace of her body. Without moving her eyes from the landscape in front of her, she handed the bottle off to Derek; he took a sip and passed it back to her with a tight, handsome smile. _

_And there the couple stayed for a long moment, the base of the first steep ridge of their beloved Tiger Mountain Trail situated in front of them – that rocky, pine needle-covered terrain they were oh so familiar with – the lower dense forest of trees behind them … shrouding them … covering them … even now, when they had nothing to hide. _

_But they stood still, the wind and trees dancing together all around them now, small gusts of cool air, swirled, picking up leaves with its power, the fog rolling in, shielding them from the rest of the world. A passerby might think they were at a crossroads of sorts – should they trek further up the ridge, or meander back down from whence they came – but they weren't, for once in their lives, this visit to the trail had a clear path, one that their destiny lead them down._

_And so Meredith and Derek were content to stand still, right here, right now with memories of their old stolen moments with Doc swirling in the air all around them – brief snippets in time that belonged solely to them, yes forbidden, but theirs all the same – instances in time when they did their best to foil their fate by 'living' apart from one another. Yes, they would remember now, but only to look back and smile. _

"Makes me miss Doc even more," Meredith whispered, her voice blending into the silence, the rustle of the leaves, the creaks of the branches.

"Me too," Derek agreed, drawing her near.

Meredith took a deep cleansing breath then and tilted her head back, squinting her eyes in defense to the bright white light slicing through the looming trees; the branches still danced in the wind, the leaves still trembled, her ring still sparkled (_she twirled it around her finger) – closing her eyes now_ – she listened while the serenade swallowed her whole and the world all around her fell away.

_And only then did she hear the faint trickle of the fountain just inside the anterior courtyard at the 'Zen cottage'. The wind became warmer and even more humid still, the sun pressed down on her shoulders through the layers and layers of fog above, her belly became hard like a basketball as a contraction rocked her akin to an electric shock – energy, power and nerve-endings snapped into place – hard, hard, hard, harder than the last, the interval lingering at every twelve minutes now. _

_A smile surely graced her face and she let her body vibrate while she listened still to the trickle of the water … Zen, Zen, Zen … she was a world away, on the other side of this life – Bali was indeed calling her now in mind, body and spirit – and she listened with keen awareness, for she wanted to lose herself there, only in an effort to find herself … there. Her mind drifted to Ketut – stock images of her bright brown, soulful eyes filled Meredith's mind – her melodic giggle and gentle, knowing touch were there too. _

'_Breathe, breathe, breathe' she coached herself, she felt Derek's hands on her belly, holding her still, riding it out with her – she heaved a sigh, the comfort of his essence filled her lungs – the fresh cool, organic air was there too …'fill, fill, fill me up', she called out, the water fountain trickled on and on … her back spasm waned … her belly relaxed … her contraction leveled off._

Leaning into Derek's touch, Meredith opened her eyes to find him watching her – _his head cocked, his blue eyes sparkling with love and curiosity_ – one hand on her belly through the flap of her coat, the other resting along her lower back. He smiled, pressing his lips together in a thin, tight line.

"Welcome back," he greeted – _her eyes bright and green, bouncing with life against the old pines_ – he pressed a chaste kiss to her temple, breathing her in as he did. He felt her melt into his touch, she was warm … her body was working – _'twelve minutes apart … twelve'_ – was all he could think.

"Hmm … hi," she smiled, the tension she housed just moments ago receding now like a storm passing out to sea.

"Tight belly," Derek muttered, caressing her taut flesh, back and forth.

"Laboring body," she retorted playfully, staring into the deep blue of his eyes, his touch felt good, she swayed in his embrace, back and forth.

"Hard at work," he sighed, pulling her near, closer, he couldn't get close enough, he wrapped his arms around her; she tilted her head up. Derek found her eyes, shimmering, so bright and green, they looked like pools of holy water – _he ducked down and kissed her perfect lips _– his heart shook; he pulled away and smiled. "You amaze me," he professed again, repeating the same words he'd said countless times in the last few weeks and today especially, because she did … she amazed him.

"The interval was shorter this time," Meredith said, swallowing hard. She took a deep breath, her back and thighs still absorbing the aftershock of the contraction … she smiled.

"Yes … by about a minute or so," Derek replied. "That's progression," he sighed, moving his hands through the wild waves of her hair, a gust of colder air barreled over the ridge, she burrowed into his heat. "Do you want to walk it out or sit over there?" he said, pointing to a fallen tree, its old trunk lying on its side.

"Lets walk back down to the car – _I think … I think I need to move through this time … I just need more_ – more time … just more …," Meredith answered, her voice trailing off as she pondered the later events of the day – _what was to come_ – she wanted to be ready, she just needed more … movement.

"Progression?" Derek prompted, completely in awe of her will, the way of the mother, her intuitiveness.

"Hmm, yes … and contractions … more contractions," she breathed with a small smile – _Derek chuckled and so did she now _– as she willed her intellectual mind to follow her body's intuition to ready itself … to birth … to surrender.

###

"_Then magnificently we will float into the mystic." _

Meredith set her empty bowl in the deep kitchen sink and turned around – _the last bite of her vanilla ice cream still coating her throat, both cold and creamy; the frozen chunks of mango adding just enough of something special to make the treat decadent _– her fiancé's thoughtful brilliance nothing more than a mega turn on a the moment.

Energy of fulfillment ran through her body as she grabbed a cold bottle of water from the refrigerator _– the twinge of another contraction, just the outer perimeter hugging her lower back now _– her body's work on the verge of consuming her once again … it had been about ten minutes since the last. _Ten minutes._ She smiled with satisfaction, twisted the bottle open and passed through the swinging door to rejoin Derek and his mother, in deep discussion with regards to the state of Mark's relationship with Callie.

Derek looked up when he heard her come in – _he and his mother smiled, cocking their heads in unison as she approached _– eyes sparkling, lips pressed together, heads in the game. Meredith smiled, her contraction began to swell – _she was giving birth to a Shepherd_ – her eyes became wet … a living, breathing Shepherd baby who mimic that same legendary cock of the head. She sighed as the paternal gene pool watched her every move while she made her way across the room and came to stand at the sofa where they sat.

Her lover stood then – _her belly tightened, frozen in time, she breathed in and out_ – meeting his unwavering gaze as she placed his palm against her rock hard belly. "Do you feel this?" she asked softly, her eyes darting to Carolyn's for a beat.

"I do – _it's intense, humming almost –_ wow … do you want to walk it out?" he asked, moving his gaze from her belly, he found her crystalline eyes.

"Hmm, no … maybe later, I do want to … I _need_ to call Ketut though," Meredith admitted as she tilted her head up.

"It's just after five in the morning, she might be there and not too busy yet," Derek sighed, running soothing circles around the small of Meredith's back, she leaned into his touch.

"Meredith dear," Carolyn said from her perch on the sofa. The couple turned to her and smiled. "Do you want some help upstairs … I know this call might be private … I could depart for a little while if you'd rather be downstairs," she thought aloud, surveying Meredith as she did – _for the laboring woman was getting closer to active labor, certainly now if she was asking for the Balinese midwife_ – she smiled, anytime now.

"Carolyn, no … stay put … I'll go up alone for now," Meredith smiled, meeting the older woman's soft eyes for a beat before she turned to Derek again. "Could you return Larissa and Peter's phone call?" she asked with a smile. "Oh and Cristina! Could you check on her?" she blurted out, her eyes wide. She shook her head. "With Bailey asking her to scrub in on that Nazi earlier, she's still pretty shaken up – _she's upset and I just can't deal those heavy emotions right now _– and you know … I know she has Owen but …," her voice trailed off with uncertainty, for she wanted to be there for her friend – _but for once in her life she needed to be selfish_ – she needed to focus on this baby … this life inside of her.

_Derek smiled, he sensed Meredith's hesitation – he knew she wanted privacy for her labor and delivery, he knew she wanted to somehow make time stop, wanted to be able to solely focus on the baby and her body and birthing and nothing else – and so it didn't surprise him that she was torn now. For both Cristina and Bailey had a horrifying experience earlier today – one of those instances when the surgeon second-guesses their capacity treat and heal all regardless of those extenuating circumstances that make it damn near hard to not walk away … and deny their obligation … especially when the patient is so egregiously ugly inside that it hurts to look at them almost as much as it hurts to save them._

"What should I tell her?" he asked with a weak smile –_ thinking now he should call Owen too _– for he would have to deal with the fallout from this one all on his own.

Meredith smiled, she had been slightly worried about Cristina and this case, for they all knew there was no room for black and white in medicine – _there was only a big gray area under which they operated _– and this case was no different, except that Cristina ended up _being_ the gray area – _for she was neither black nor white_ – except that for Cristina, it was all or nothing and extreme points of views … black or white with no shade of gray.

_Meredith shook her head – the baby kicked – she was jarred back to her task. _

"Tell her … to do what she always does, tell her to dance it out … with Owen," she smiled softly, watching her lover's eyes light up. "I would call myself, but right now I just need to focus and hopefully with Ketut," she smiled keenly watching her lover's eyes as she spoke – _reminded again just how much she loved this man –_ she reached up and kissed the handsome plane of his cheek.

"I will," he smiled down at her, one hand falling over her belly where he rested his warm palm – _feeling now the purposeful hum of the vibrations running through her body_ – her belly tighter than ever, her cheeks flushed … anytime now. "I'll be up in a few," he whispered in her ear before he kissed her temple, soft and quick.

"You'll be here?" she asked Carolyn as she turned out of Derek's arms.

"Of course," Carolyn assured. "I'll be here the whole time," she smiled softly, watching now as Meredith squeezed her son's hand.

"Okay then," Meredith replied before she planted one last kiss upon Derek's cheek, catching the twinkle set deep within his eyes, this magical sparkle meant just for her.

Smiling, she turned and shuffled across the floor, moving into the foyer and then up the stairs – _taking it slow and steady_ – matching her footsteps to her breathing, _in, out, in, out_ as she retreated to the bedroom, entering the solace of the enclave – _she left the world at large behind her now, angry Nazi's, confused surgeons alike she was alone and at peace, in, out, in, out_ – she closed the door behind her and with that click of the door latch, she had but one thought on her mind: _the next time she left this room, she would be a mother._

_She was that close, in all likelihood mere hours away from meeting their miracle – her heart raced, she spotted her cell phone on the bedside table – it was time to make it all real. _

She set the bottle of water down on her night table and reached for the phone, she dialed the number for _'Meri House'_, set the phone on the speaker setting and placed it on the night table to put her hair up in a quick bun – _she heard the familiar click of the line, it would be another half of a minute before the line would engage and rin_g – _'please, please, please',_ she silently prayed for a connection and that Ketut would be there to pick up. Her back twitched, her belly became hard … another contraction began its course, how long had it been since the last?

She eyed the clock and moved to sit Indian style with her back against the headboard, her heart racing from this menial task, she sighed into the air, everything was tight and laborious and uncomfortable, _'come on baby'_, she sighed deep inside – _the brill of the phone filled the air_ – her belly seized by the contraction now as Meredith focused solely on the phone, willing Ketut to be on the other side of the world to answer her call.

She breathed – _in, out, in, out, baby, baby, baby _– so focused she was, her heart nearly gave out when the line engaged _– a substandard connection was made, she picked the phone up and rested it on the top of her belly_ – the vacuum of silence cracked and popped, her heart raced and then she spoke.

"Ketut?" she called into the speaker.

"_Meri,"_ came Ketut's breathless voice, her smile so manifested that the world immediately became smaller with the power of her energy. _"The baby is coming," _she stated, point of fact, no question in her tone.

"Yes," Meredith smiled genuinely, the intense energy of the contraction seeping down and away from her belly now … down and away. She breathed and let herself go, just enough to feel Ketut's presence.

Pleasant energy consumed her then, for by calling Ketut she made the baby's arrival real with her cheeks pink, flushed now while she basked in her dear friend's mystical energy _– faint, yet impressionable visions of __Pura Rambut Siwi danced in her mind's eye_ – bright blue skies, the ocean's strong waves crashed against the old stone barrier wall, the sea salt and air filled her lungs and she was back … back within the ancient temple walls with Ketut's warm all-seeing eyes staring back at her.

The line crackled, then skipped a connection_. "Meri … you are close …," _Ketut counseled._ "Already a mother … you must find your peace … close your eyes, friend … and find it … find … him," _she guided softly, the currents of energy keeping their shoddy connection alive and well.

"Wayan – _my peace_ – how is my … peace of mind?" she inquired, instantly reminded of her boy's soulful energy and the calm fortitude she felt wash over her whenever the boy was near – _for he resided in her heart since the moment she met him_ – she adored the child, her _first_ child.

"_Wayan,"_ Ketut chuckled, surely smiling. _"He is happy … at peace … missing you … he is,"_ she reported.

Meredith smiled, her eyes still closed – _stock images of Wayan swirling around her mind now as she relaxed _– her heart beat wildly, she breathed, _in, out, in, out_. "Ketut," she sighed. "I wish you were here," she confessed, her heartstrings pulling for the midwife's words of encouragement and hope.

"_But I am …you know I am …,"_ came her reassuring voice. "_Now – hear me with care – you can birth the baby … nice and gentle … with love and peace,"_ she cooed over the line.

"I can … I will," Meredith breathed, gathering the energy, finding the peace she needed to know in her heart she could do this.

She relaxed even further now, losing herself slightly as she focused on the power of the positive energy that consumed her – _the air moved around her, the fountain at the 'Zen cottage' trickled and danced while the tropical birds called to her in that wind, both warm and soothing, fresh and humid_ – then all was quiet, save for the far off sound of the familiar floorboards as they creaked in the hallway outside the bedroom … then quiet … then a _click, click_ … then quiet again.

She listened to Ketut now – _her words of encouragement, her mantras swirling in her mind and in the air all around her, she fell deeper into her spiritual self, deep, deep, deep_ – training her ears on the wise woman's words, she became lost, yet found as the line crackled – _no, she wasn't alone, Ketut was right, as the eleventh hour drew near, Meredith knew this much … she wasn't alone, she could be lost and found_ – for she was about to become a mother and she deserved this … this magical moment.

Heaving a sigh, Meredith rubbed her belly – _a new contraction on the rise now, her lower back froze, then her belly_ – her hand moving idly over the healed skin of her appendectomy scar … _and she halted there_, her mind landing on her mother for a beat – _scalpels, blood, clinical, solo, surgery high, the game _– and therein she let it all go to walk down a different path … to chase a different dream.

_Yes, she let it go … she let her mother go … she moved on … just like her contraction. _

Her heart went nuts as she lingered on her scar tissue now – _both symbolic and physical_ – she took a staggering deep breath and let that powerful surge of energy move through the core of her being while she once again acknowledged what could have been.

_She swallowed hard, her throat dry and her voice stymied … Ketut guided her still … her contraction raged on._

"_Already a mother – already a good mother for Wayan … first child,"_ the older woman mused.

"Yes, Ketut …," Meredith smiled widely, her heart fluttering with unfathomable joy, the contraction pushing away, down and away. "Nyoman … is coming … the second is coming," she breathed, her voice cracking, barely able to say the birth rite name aloud.

"_Yes … Nyoman,"_ Ketut agreed proudly; her voice full of cheer and anticipation. _"It was for the joy Meri … you are close … so close …," _she counseled softly.

"Anytime now," Meredith coached herself, feeling the ebb of her contraction now only to be left with a sense of peace _– her heart strings pulled taut now_ – by both Wayan and the baby in tandem.

"_Surrender Meri – let yourself go … you must … open your eyes … my dear friend … open your eyes … you will find your strength …,"_ Ketut guided, her words finite … her spirit aligned with her confidence. _"Open your eyes Meri and see … you are blessed … you have all that you need … so open … open your eyes when you are ready … to surrender to your peace and find the blessing of your … life," _she urged with quiet tenacity.

"I am ready … I can do this," Meredith sighed, her hands on her belly, Ketut's words filling her heart and mind … _Bali, Bali, Bali_ … peace and tranquility passing over her like the waves along the shorelines.

"_Yes Meri … you are … you will call when Nyoman is with us," _Ketut answered._ "You must go …,"_ she pushed gently.

"Yes … I must," Meredith smiled, her heart beating, slow and steady now as the connection was lost, but not forgotten.

And so there she stayed for a long moment – _breathing in that peaceful energy, gathering it, collecting it, depositing it deep into her core for a later time_ – a time very soon in which she would find herself surrendering … birthing … this miracle baby just as her destiny, her fate dictated she would.

_She was loved … _

_She was blessed …_

_She was a mother … _

_Nyoman was coming._

_All she had to do was open her eyes wide enough to find her strength – to find herself to lose herself – all she had to do was 'see' it for herself. _

_And so she did. She opened her eyes wide._

_And therein she was met with the awestruck gaze of her lover's endless gateways as he stared at her … her strength, her life, her will to lose herself only to find herself stood there watching over her. _

_He was loved … _

_He was blessed …_

_He was a father …_

_Nyoman was coming. _

Derek stood still … still enough to make sure he was enveloped within the power of the energy in the room _– the energy and spirit of the woman, true to form, the energy and spirit of Meredith Grey_ – both strong and meaningful much like the shadows that danced on and on along the walls of their room in Negara at a time when the idea of her pregnancy was still … so new … so unexpected.

_But now … there was no fear, there was no point in wondering what could have been –for they had safely arrived on the other side – which left them where they were presently. Staring at one another – blessings to one another and their unborn legacy – they were standing still … basking in the unique power of 'them' … and their mutual strength. _

And for Derek, he was polarized by _her_ strength and power _– and in that moment, he took the same stance he'd been in since he pushed the door open not long ago_ – where he remained quite mesmerized by his woman … with her flushed face and the way her long lashes rested atop her fuller cheeks now and of course the tender way in which she caressed her belly through the flap of her open tunic – _all the while lulled by Ketut's voice, the soundtrack for the indelible moment _– somehow warming the air and their shoulders like the sun on a hot Balinese day.

Wherein he was thunderstruck by his lover's apparent maternal beauty and by her forthright willingness to lose herself … so lost within Ketut's energy and likely her place within the walls of the _'Zen cottage'_ – _surely the fountain trickling in the background_ – where he was mystified by her still (much how he'd been since the moment he met her at Joe's) where she first took his breath away – _as he fell in love with her all over again now _– while they stared and stared at each other still. He smiled weakly, for he could tell that she too fell in love with him again as well.

"Hey," he finally managed to say from the frame of the doorway, he closed the door with his backside and stepped forward.

"Hey," Meredith smiled, still shrouded under the echelon of thick haze, those twirling remnants of Ketut's euphoric energy.

Derek crossed the room and sat down on the edge of the bed, the force of his weight drawing Meredith near. "You're ready," he mused, his shining eyes wide open as he engaged them with hers … those beautiful eyes so green and deep and soulful, his heart skipped a full beat.

"I am," she declared in agreement, her belly full of life, ready … almost ready now. "Shower with me …," she sighed, listening to her gut instincts, suddenly feeling an insatiable need to connect with her lover and their miracle, albeit the regularity of her contractions.

_And so with little effort, the couple retreated to the solace of the bathroom together – always connected, fingers twirling together, lips touching, eyes locked, bellies brushing – Derek closed the door behind them and the symbolic world fell away and only they remained. He turned the shower on and the small room was crowded with steam in no time – the layer of thick air adding the protective sheathe they sought – a private space to connect, one impenetrable from the outside world … the aura of 'them' filling the air they breathed now._

_Derek slipped Meredith's top from her shoulders, the light weight fabric floated to the floor, he smiled and ran his fingertips beneath the straps of her maternity bra – her breathless giggle danced in the humid air – she smiled, her fingers found the button-fly of his jeans where she stealthily popped them open. Naturally, Derek leaned forward and kissed the smooth, round cap of Meredith's shoulder – applying those sticky, wet kisses, impressions, her favorite kind, kiss, kiss, kiss – he unclasped the front snap of her bra then, moving the flimsy garment off of her shoulders, it too fell to the ground. Meredith stepped closer then, bridging the small gap between them where he planted his lips upon her clavicle, pulsing once, twice, her heavy breasts brushing against the soft cotton of his tee shirt, her nipples puckered with sensitivity. _

_Sighing heavily Meredith slipped Derek's jeans and boxers from his hips, he pushed them the rest of the way down and kicked them from his feet, from there he knelt in front of his woman and unzipped her low rise jeans, her hands on his shoulders now to ground herself as he guided her jeans and panties over her hips, pulling them down before he raised one foot and then the other to free her completely. _

_She stepped forward and he breathed her in – filling his lungs with her essence, her woman's mound concealed by the shadow of her low hanging belly – his lips found her taut skin as she hummed with contraction under his pulsing nerves, kiss, kiss, baby, baby, his fingertips stopping briefly at her appendectomy scar – he shook his head and tears welled in his eyes as he silently permitted himself think about what could have been – but wasn't, and all they could have missed out on, but didn't. _

_His chest was tight, constricting now as he tried to keep himself together, a precious life almost lost (his and Meredith's included) …but found instead._

_Meredith pushed her hands through her lover's damp locks in an effort to hold him there with her, a tiny gasp fell from her lips and played now akin to a beautiful wordless hymn – to which Derek acknowledged by moving his lips down to her scar where he pulsed, softly, gently – and with only truth in their hearts, they celebrated this blessed moment as he stood up and enveloped his woman in his arms and without a sound, began walking her backward toward the shower._

_And there they stood under the spray of the hot cleansing shower … silently counting their blessings … silently praying for a beautiful birth …silently connecting in their own way – instinctively cleansing each other now, working instinctually – washing, kissing, caressing, loving, gentle earth and water strokes … alone in the world, nothing but the hum of the hot shower and those tiny spits of cooler water ricocheting between their bodies, ping, ping, ping – the couple truly belonged to one another in this moment – with his hands on her shoulders and her hands on his narrow hips, they blinked on that truth and smiled._

"Hmm," Meredith moaned, her whole body thrown into her contracting belly – _she held onto Derek's hips even tighter and hinged forward_ – pressing her forehead and then her open mouth onto his wet, warm chest to stabilize herself. The air was hot and thick and humid, she breathed through her nose, moaning as she did. Fever pricked her skin.

Derek rocked his woman _– her moan reverberating against his flesh, his heart banging against her mouth_ – where he held her tight, swaying her body slowly as her stifled moans filled the air. His heart melting now –_ smoothing some lose tendrils of hair away from her neck _– he rocked her again before he planted his lips to the hot, wet skin just under her ear. Tasting her sweet flesh while he waited it out with her – _counting now, he waited and waited still_ – his chest tight the whole time, his stomach twisting with both concern and excitement – _it had only been about four minutes since her last contraction_ – but he lost count on the duration, Meredith shifted on her feet and raised her head. She pressed her lips together and heaved a sigh.

"Sixty seconds," she announced softly, her voice infiltrating the vacuum of the shower. Derek's his hands flew to her skull, his eyes dark with worry, he smiled nonetheless.

"I called Jyothi before I came up," he whispered, peering his eyes down, the warm water cascading down around them still – _the soap and debris twirling down, down into the drain_ – out with the old, in with the new. "I'm proud of you," he said, his voice cracked, keeping his eyes trained on the sparkling flecks he found within her gateways.

"I'm proud of you too," she whispered leaning into his damp heat. "Now kiss me," she ordered with a giggle.

_And so he did just that, with their trepidations now gone, replaced by love and readiness for what was to come – Derek did as he was told, he kissed his woman soft and quick, long and hard under the veil of privacy made by the shower – with their bodies as close as possible, only baby nestled between them …their spiritual energy and clear minds and whole and healed hearts aligned now as they kissed and kissed each other with utter awe and admiration that would never, ever wane. _

###

"_I want to rock your gypsy soul."_

Less than an hour later, Derek stood at Jyothi's side and Meredith watched as the pair unfolded a large blue tarp, positioning the protective covering near the foot of the bed before they pulled it across, making a pathway to the bathroom and around the side of the bed. While they worked, Meredith paced … and paced … and moved … and willed herself through this more active time of labor.

Circuit after circuit, she moved – _waiting, counting, anticipating_ – moving now to the window at the back of the room, the soft cotton of her robe brushing along her feet as she came to stand still. She reached up and opened the window, a swoosh of cooler air pulsed through the screen, she swayed on her feet and switched the reading lamp off … the muted afternoon light illuminated the room, just enough, not too bright – _her mind vacillated on the 'Zen cottage' as she stood so very still in the moment, breathe in, breathe out_ – she was so close now, so close the air became warmer again … Bali was calling, _'your baby is joyful'_ came Ketut's harmonious voice.

And to that calling, Meredith listened intently as Derek and Jyothi's hushed tones fell away. She closed her eyes and basked in her own readiness _– deep inside the 'Zen cottage', thousands of miles away, her mind and body and spirit hovering over the scene now_ – she felt warm and centered and open, twirling her heirloom ring around and around her finger, while she smiled deep inside.

Taking a lasting deep breath, she turned around and watched as Jyothi directed Derek in the placement of a chair she might end up using later. A stack of laundered towels they had prepared lay situated nearby, disposable mattress pads already in position too. Jyothi met her lingering gaze and smiled as she set a box of latex gloves down on the bedside table along with a tube of lubricating jelly, a fetoscope and a small portable Doppler. Meredith rubbed her hands low along her belly through the open folds of her robe, the swell of another contraction on the way now; she took a deep breath and kept her eyes trained on the midwife.

_Jyothi approached, her smiling eyes searching Meredith's as she did – finding the laboring woman's energy with skilled precision now, this energy both strong and purposeful – and once found, Jyothi would sense the absolute she had been waiting for – this heady signal from the mother within – this signal that said: she was ready._

"Meredith, when you're ready, I'd like to check your dilation," she murmured softly, setting one hand on the young woman's shoulder. "How do you feel?" she probed gently, cocking her head, her dark hair fell across her eyes as she checked Meredith's stance.

Meredith raised her pointer finger up and for the first time since her contractions started, she found it hard to focus or speak as the contraction rocked her body – _locking her eyes with Jyothi's, she was well aware that no words were necessary_ – as her fuller, heart-shaped face contorted with absorption while she grasped Jyothi's hand and set it upon her raging hard belly, low and to the right where she felt the most pressure. She inhaled a gulp of new air _– her breathing labored, the pressure centered on her uterus and back more than intense _– she breathed again, trying to manually regulate her heartbeat and closed her eyes under the midwife's canopy of soothing energy.

And in that moment, Meredith's core gave out and she moaned, her stifled cat call ringing in her ears as she listened intently to Jyothi's coaching – _'easy now, slow and easy, take measured breaths, in and out' –_ she felt another warm hand on her belly – _'Derek, Derek'_ – she chanted and moaned deep inside; her voice made no sound. The air became warm once again and the current caressed her back as the late afternoon shadows surely danced along the walls now. She swayed and rocked, filling her spirit with peace for a beat before she opened her eyes and let the cottage fall away, focusing now on Derek and Jyothi, her glassy eyes dancing between them as the last of the contraction began to ebb; she was close … _so close. _

"Hmm, that was intense … wow," she breathed, her eyes open … as open as her mind and body was now.

"You're doing great," Derek encouraged, rubbing his hand low along the underside of his lover's belly, his heart racing over Meredith's calm and collected endurance – _his eyes focusing on the small layer of dew set along her forehead_ – she breathed, grasping his hand.

"You are," Jyothi agreed. "Why don't I check you out and we'll find out where you stand," she counseled, taking Meredith by her elbow.

The players moved to the bed then where Meredith stood for a beat while Derek hooked his fingers through her panties at her hips and pulled them down to her feet – _she carefully stepped aside_ – smiling as she sat down on the bed and pushed herself back against the pillows situated in the middle of the space, her feet positioned on the edge of the mattress; knees up, belly low and full. Derek moved next to Meredith and leaned down on one elbow where his free hand found her belly and her hands found his. She closed her eyes and waited.

_Jyothi slipped a pair of latex gloves on and applied some lubricating jelly to her fingers – all the while listening to the lover's whisper to one another – encouraging words like: open, ready, calm, strong were spoken, their voices soft, their professions private, eyes now locked on one another … she was nothing more than a witness._

"Meredith," she interrupted. The laboring woman and her devoted lover looked up in tandem. "You'll feel my fingers, then my whole hand, lots of pressure," she smiled weakly, knowing most women found the _'active labor' _check on dilation somewhat uncomfortable.

"When you're ready," Meredith answered, bracing herself for the intrusion.

And therein, she opened her mind and relaxed her thighs – _feeling Jyothi part her folds, the slippery jelly lubricating her entryway as the midwife inserted her fingers carefully … one, two, three, four, five_ – her fist turning slightly as she filled her up. Meredith breathed deeply and relaxed her hips while she stared at Derek's unwavering gateways – _'please, please, please'_ – she prayed silently, for she wanted her body to be as ready for labor as her mind was … she wanted to be aligned and ready in triplicate: _mind, body and spirit._

"You okay?" Derek whispered close, his hot breath fanning his lover's face as he danced his fingertips along the flushed plane of her fuller cheek.

"I am," Meredith breathed as the crescendo of another contraction began to rock her body, the swell culminating as Jyothi slipped her hand free, the added pressure gone now.

"Your cervix is about nine centimeters dilated and one hundred percent effaced," she announced with a smile. The players sighed with relief and Jyothi watched as thick tears of joy flooded Meredith's eyes, while Derek marveled at the power of his woman. "Wonderful, the human body at work, is it not?" she smiled widely, for it never ceased to amaze her. "With luck, you'll be at ten centimeters within an hour or so … your body knows what to do … you will know when the time is right," she counseled the more than ready woman.

"Almost there," Meredith whispered. "Anytime now," she reassured, her hands rubbing her belly while her eyes were glued on Derek's … she had to wonder now, who was she speaking to?

"Anytime now," Derek smiled – _reveling in the innate power of his woman_ – for much like her mind, it seemed her body too was tenacious. "Almost there," he whispered, drawing her near, he dropped a lingering kiss to her forehead; he breathed in and out.

###

"_I don't have to fear it."_

For most, there happen to be periods of time in life where everything just seems to fall into place, moments of clarity – _specific points in time when the stars indeed become aligned and the sky becomes so clear_ – so _black_ that those same stars suddenly provide ample light, miraculously illuminating the chosen pathway to a specific destination whereas in previous times there would have been only darkness and confusion.

And so as Meredith Grey knelt on her knees with her arms stretched out in front of her, one hand on Derek's forearm, the other caressing the underside of her low-hanging belly, her eyes closed against the dim, yet bright light within her mother's old bedroom – _she resided inside __her__ moment of clarity, for she was aligned, heavy and full of the life inside of her_ – she took a deep breath and stilled her racing heart.

Focusing on her lover now instead of the pressure points that pinged her body – _watching with keen interest as he lay on his stomach across the bed she knelt against_ – his mind hardly preoccupied by that old crossword puzzle he found earlier – _stopping to ask for help when needed of course_ – all the while, the interval of her contractions became closer and shorter and even closer still.

And there she stayed, moving forward through her moment of clarity like the tick of a clock, _tick, tick, tick_ her head full, her mind on task – _the puzzle, the squatting, the kneeling, the pressure, the moaning and the pacing – _nothing but inconsequential distractions, for she was more than ready … to leap into the unknown with her eyes wide open and never look back, now all she needed were the cues from her body.

The swell of another contraction claimed her body just then – _her core hardened, her lower back tingled, her thighs wound tight with spasm_ – but she needed more … more movement … she needed to stand and walk … and pace … and breathe. Propelling herself to do just that now, Meredith leaned forward and stood – _Derek flicked his eyes up to her and smiled tightly, for he'd watched her repeat this pattern several times already –_ he waited with his eyes locked on hers while she checked herself for dizziness. She closed her eyes – _there was no measure for relief, her body was on fire, her nerve-endings were shot_ – and she supposed that was the point … of laboring before delivery. She sighed and began to run the small circuit around the room.

"Six letter word for pinnacle," Derek prompted evenly as he counted the open spaces on the puzzle.

_He looked up to find Meredith, her robe open – nothing on underneath but one of his blue button down shirts and a pair of cotton panties, her belly lower than ever before, her feet swollen – he smiled as she stopped pacing and locked her eyes with his for beat. _

"Zenith!" she beamed, a small smile reaching her eyes, though the persistent ache she felt in her back suddenly became more powerful, she returned to pacing, her breathing stacked now as she moved herself through the moment, _tick, tick, tick._

"Ah, you're brilliant!" he declared with a chuckle as he returned to the puzzle, adding the letters while the clock ticked on and on, his mind swimming, he was treading water at best, the puzzle nothing more than a life vest … a focal point in time.

_Sighing deep inside, he peeked up and watched Meredith's retreating form as she moved toward the back of the room – the waiting was excruciating, he could admit that to no one but himself – he didn't want Meredith to be in pain and he was concerned. As prepared as he knew she was – his heart raced on and on, he couldn't stop it – he knew she could do this, but one question remained: could he? Could he sit idly by and not be able to do a damn thing to help her?_

_He let his fears go once again now, for they wouldn't be alone, he reminded himself once again and to that point, he silently thanked God for his mother and Jyothi and for the slow and meaningful way Meredith's body was contracting … he thanked God for giving them this opportunity, this miracle – the puzzle became blurred around the edges – and he was a goner. _

_Lost within his own mind for a brief moment in time, he thanked God for the quiet house they were blessed with … and for the alignment of the stars and their bright white lights that somehow fully illuminated the pathway to their destiny now – no karmic twists of fate to mount or hurdle, only he and Meredith and their miracle baby remained – he blinked and let his tears recede, the puzzle was in focus again and all was quiet for a beat before he heard a muffled gasp – he looked up and back to find Meredith bracing herself, one hand on the dresser, the other low around her belly, her fingertips grazing her panty line and her small barely there scar. _

"Meredith," he breathed, pushing himself back and off the bed, he came to stand in front of her.

"It's … time," she heaved, her green eyes focused and narrowed – _fever pricked her skin, the flash was hot, her body working harder now_ – the last wave of the contraction gone, a new one beginning now without recourse.

"It's time," he repeated, his heart beat vibrating into his ears, _thump, thump, thump_, his hands found hers, they grounded themselves.

"I … yes," Meredith smiled weakly, the underside of her belly beleaguered by pressure now, the rise and fall of the contraction of no consequence now … for it was time.

'_It's time'_, she chanted silently, heaving a gulp of air, her hands pressing against Derek's chest now as he rubbed her back, she breathed again, suddenly wholly aware of what she needed … she needed more time – _for this was her moment, her solo, her time, 'it's time' _– and she just wanted to savor it, she wanted to share it …just one more moment of _this_ moment, it was all she ever needed, she realized that now.

And within the searing intensity of that realization Meredith's heart lurched forward and she looked up to find the reflective pools of Derek's glassy blue eyes _– this was it_ – this was her moment, she became lost in the aura of his energy, it calmed her and soothed her like nothing else … like nothing else – _because this was it, it turned out that __this__ was the moment she'd been waiting for _– yes, she realized this and so much more.

She sighed heavily, the early evening shadows danced along the walls, dim and soft – _her mind landed on her misguided mother, her heart pinched, squeezing, squeezing now_ – her diamond sparkled in the dim light, her hand pressed against her man's chest, his eyes glassy with concern and love and passion while her belly froze under his gentle touch, _baby, baby, baby._

"What … what can I do?" Derek asked, his voice low, intimate as he dared himself to reach up and move her hair away from her face, he pressed his lips together – _his woman vibrated under his touch, thump, thump, thump_ – his heart and her body humming in tandem now, he watched her breathe, he followed her lead. "Slow, deep breaths," he coached into her ear while she held on tight and a new sense of urgency consumed him, but he held her steady still _– slow and steady, nice and easy _– he held her just as tight.

"Derek … Jyothi … and your mother," she breathed, taking a step forward, she moved closer to her man. "Derek," she sighed, looking up, she scanned his watery eyes – _she loved him, she could do this, this was her moment, the one she'd been waiting for _– she smiled, her nerves catching fire now, she spoke quickly, seizing the opportunity as her belly relaxed slightly. "I need … I need a minute … alone, alone … this is it … don't you see …," she rambled, knowing she didn't make any sense.

_Derek flanked her skull with his hands – he stared at her – she braced herself, fisting his tee shirt at his hips. _

"Whatever you want … okay … you can do this," he sighed deeply, breathing her in as he held her close. "Let me call for them … and we'll take it from there, okay …," he soothed, following her lead as she inched toward the bathroom.

"Okay … and Derek … I … when they come up … I … I'll be in the bathroom …," she sighed, moving into the frame of the doorway. "Can you … ask them to come in here with me?" she asked, searching his eyes as tears welled in her own. "Just them … just for a moment," she asked, so afraid of hurting his feelings, still searching his eyes for any sadness or disappointment she might find, but it never came, for she could tell … he loved her still.

"I love you," he whispered, blinking back his tears – _he got her_ – he understood. "However you see this playing out … it's whatever you need, okay," he soothed, stepping closer, watching her eyes soften as he did. "I'll be right back," he assured, pressing a lingering kiss to her temple, breathing her in one last time, her sweet essence filling his nostrils, ripe and pungent and so perfectly her.

"I'll be here," she kidded, bracing her back against the door jamb as she watched her lover slip out of the room, the floorboards creaking as he made his way to the steps – _she heard his muffled call_ – she smiled and stepped inside the small well-lit room and began to pace, the air still humid from their shower earlier – _this was it, was all she could think … this was her time _– her moment … her solo.

Within minutes there was a soft knock at the door, Meredith turned to find Jyothi and Carolyn slipping inside the enclave with her, her lover no doubt waiting dutifully outside – _she smiled and paced; the pressure around her uterus more intense than it had been all day_ – her eyes darted from the two women, back and forth as she searched for the precise words to speak, feeling now a swell of emotions encapsulate her much like her contractions seemed to do.

_Derek's mother looked to the midwife for a cue – but Jyothi could only smile wide – for she knew Meredith would come to a point, like all women did, when the world they knew and loved and sometimes even hated would arrive at a new pinnacle … a zenith in which it would fall away and that woman become a mother, the world would change and the way in which they would see that world would also change – and Meredith was at that precipice now – things were changing, the past, the present and the future all meant something new and different. _

Meredith sighed and unbuttoned Derek's shirt, _one, two, three_ – _the air was stifling all of a sudden, though still calming and oh so familiar_ – remnants of her and Derek lingered in the still heavy air … she halted, taking a deep breath as a sudden fever pricked her skin _– the ripple effect, pressure along her groin, her vaginal opening pulsed slightl_y – she closed her eyes and hovered over herself for a beat time, her gasp filled the air as she searched for those words … she was almost there, almost a mother … _this was her time_ … the solo she'd heard so much about. She opened her eyes and in a fury of emotion she spoke, her eyes vacillating between these two towers … these women … these mothers.

"Woman to woman … mother to mother … I realized something, a little while ago – _I have this little scar, this little piece of evidence of just how wrong everything in my life once was_ – and then I had this surgery, you know … and I also have this legacy …," she heaved rapidly, another contraction swelled like the sea during a storm.

She leaned down on the ledge of the sink to brace herself against the impact, her mind wild with the masses of memories she found within this room alone – _those private moments where she had no one but herself _– those lonely times when she gingerly caressed that scar back to health in the days before she left for Bali. Tears of fear rolled down her cheeks – _but tears of joy mixed with them now – down, down, down _they went, finding the crease in her neck … she pushed them down and away, down and away. Her belly froze; her vaginal opening pulsed … but she pressed on, keeping her eyes trained on the drain in front of her … down and away … she would need to push … soon.

"I'm a surgeon," she whispered hoarsely like a worshipper inside the confines of a confessional. "I know I haven't felt like one in months … but I am, _I really am_ and it was all I could think in this moment a little while ago when I ran my fingers over this reminder, this scar … except that suddenly it hit me …," she mused, sniffling as she turned around to face … these women …these mothers.

_Jyothi smiled and approached the laboring woman – not a worry in her heart over Meredith Grey's capacity to overcome – for she had been made well aware of her mother's legacy, her husband told her as much over the last several months. And so it seemed that today … she would come full circle … she would lose the child she once was only to become the mother she was destined to be. Standing in front of her now, Jyothi lay her hand upon Meredith's taut belly, rubbing soothing circles, never diverting her eyes – 'you can do this' – she said without words to which Meredith replied – 'I know I can, I will' – also without words._

"It's my day – _right here, right now_ – this is _my_ thrilling moment," Meredith declared, her last contraction ebbing slightly, the pressure ever present still. "I always thought the day I flew solo in the OR would be it … the moment that defined who I am – _I thought nothing could top it, I was __led to believe__ that nothing could or ever would_ – and now …," she cried, stifling her emotions, bottling them up. "In the back of my mind I knew nothing could top this, right here, today … but when you're a kid … and things are … hard … and your mother …," she swallowed the rest of her words, her hands found her belly and she connected, _baby, baby, baby. _

Carolyn came forward and pressed her warm hand along Meredith's forearm – _the will of this young woman was suddenly everywhere_ – it was the air they breathed together in the small room. It was the beat of their hearts _– her newest grandchild was blessed_ – it was the light of their spirits … the energy and power of the laboring woman … it was everywhere.

Meredith locked eyes with Derek's mother's; gazing at her experience _– her love, her loss, her life_ – she shook her head for the blessing of her presence – _knowing she wouldn't have to be alone in the world of mothers_ – that she too would have someone to show her … to guide her if she needed help.

"I'll still have … my moment and instead of being alone – _solo in a sterile OR_ – I'll have you … Jyothi," Meredith breathed, her eyes wet, the midwife took her hand and squeezed it where Meredith gathered her serenity and kept it for herself. "And you …," she turned to Derek's mother then, melting as she drew in her strength – _the love of a mother _– her lover's mother whom he still adored so much. "Thank you … for being a mother … still … for coming … for caring …Car… Car …," she sighed, unable to get the older woman's name out before she was overcome with unshed emotion … she wasn't alone, she had Derek … but she needed a mother too.

Carolyn eyes welled up and deep emotional waves crashed all along the small room like a tiny island shoreline during a storm. She set her palm along Meredith's hot cheek and smiled, keeping her eyes trained on her as another contraction swelled _– the blessed woman's face contorted, but she kept her eyes open still_ – this was her moment, her moment had arrived ... and so had Carolyn's.

"How about we just go with _'Mom'_," she whispered – _tiny tears crowded her eyes_ – feeling Meredith lean into her for the very first time, mother to daughter.

"Okay …," Meredith giggled, sheer happiness and relief consumed her as Carolyn gathered her in her arms and much like her son she comforted and soothed her – _just as they would for this miracle baby _– she breathed deeply, for this was truly her moment … her time … she was accepted … she was loved.

_The threesome was ready to emerge from the bathroom after several moments in which they all collected themselves – wordlessly aligning their minds and spirits – Meredith used the toilet one last time, discussing the intense pressure to push as she stood and washed her hands. She took a deep breath and pulled on the door handle – stepping over the threshold – smiling when she spotted Derek sitting on the armchair under the window, his eyes trained on the doorway._

He stood and crossed the room – _the tarp crackling under his feet as he came around the side of the bed to meet her_ – she'd been crying, that was no secret, but she looked well – _she looked gorgeous _– she was ready, her hands found his skull, his hands found her hips, her belly brushed against his abdomen.

"I love you," she whispered before she pressed her lips to his. "It's time," she said into his ear, pressing her lips there too.

Derek's heart raced as he rocked Meredith in his arms, making eye contact with his mother over her shoulder, spying Jyothi as she made the last of her preparations. His mother smiled at him – _she had been crying too_ – he cocked his head and smiled and she did the same before she approached and came to rest her palm along Meredith's back. Meredith peeked up and smiled.

"Meredith," Jyothi smiled. "Come … come and lay back and we'll see where you are," she breathed, nodding her head toward the bed.

Meredith turned out of Derek's arms, but kept one hand in his. He once again helped her slip her panties down and off _– she removed her robe too_ – her body hot, her mind on par as she lay back against the pillows_. _Knees up, thighs open – _she tried her best to relax her belly –_ she made eye contact with Carolyn, who situated herself off and to the side of the bed. Derek caressed her cheek with his fingertips as he sat perched to her side. Jyothi slipped a pair of latex gloves on and applied some lubricating jelly to her fingertips before her head disappeared from Meredith's view. And therein she felt her fingertips swipe the outside of her vaginal opening _– around and around she went –_ massaging, caressing, soothing.

"You're … almost there … almost …," she declared, her fingertips still circling her opening, massaging, the lubricating jelly working its way to Meredith's interior. "Soon … you will feel the urge to push … there is no time but this time now, right here …you will know when the time is right," she counseled as her fingers massaged Meredith's folds, the layers of skin taut, the baby well into the birth canal now, she removed her fingers and smiled.

_Meredith lay back and closed her eyes, unsure of what she wanted – she felt sweaty and ick, a thick wave of fever pricked her skin – she wanted to stand up and walk … walk it out, but she also felt nauseated and hesitant to move too much. Sighing heavily, another contraction consumed her body akin to a tsunami now and it was enough to make her want to move. She opened her eyes and found Derek there. _

"Help me up …," she breathed, grasping his hand with hers. He did as she asked where they came to stand in front of each other. "I'm … I don't know what I need," she moaned, leaning her head on his chest as he rubbed her back. "I'm hot," she declared suddenly, pulling back, she unfastened several more buttons of the shirt, Derek snaked his hand inside the open flap of fabric, his palm felt cool to the touch.

Derek smiled and caressed his woman _– one hand on her belly, the other on her back_ – he felt her body hum and vibrate; her breathing became labored as he held her. A loud moan escaped from her lips _– a guttural, animalistic cry_ – one that sounded a lot like her mating call, it was one of instinct, one that he had long since grown to love from all their times of love making.

He pressed his lips together – _sighing with her_ – caressing and holding her as she leaned into him. She peeked up and into his eyes then – _smiling like she had some kind of secret_ – and he believed she did, for she was gorgeous and strong, stronger than he would ever be. Her skin was hot – _fever covered her brow_ – her face beautifully flushed, her belly and breasts full and heavy, she was gorgeous … and ready.

"Hold me," she ordered breathlessly, her labored breathing filled the space between them, her heart beat thumping in her eardrums. "Hold me," she repeated, barely audible to anyone but herself now.

_Meredith listened to her voice – strained, stacked, choppy – she lost herself for a beat as she felt Derek gather her up and keep her there with her head pressed against his chest – she listened to his heart beat – faster and faster and even faster still. Her legs went numb and she squatted down – Derek kneeling with her in one fluid motion –the pressure set against her uterus bottomed out and she felt a swell of movement._ _She moaned, unable to speak, trying desperately now to get herself where she needed to be – inside the 'Zen cottage' – where she would move through this time, tick, tick, tick went the clock, pulse, pulse, pulse went her belly. _

"Push," she heaved, a low growl escaped from her lips, pulling back, she needed air, she gasped and found her lover's unwavering eyes, he blinked and so did she. "Push …," she sighed with another deep moan.

_For it was the only word she could summons – it was mantra, 'push, push' – feeling weightless now as Derek held her in his arms, she closed her eyes for a beat and lived inside the storm, this crazy alternative universe where she would have the power to do this – she listened to Jyothi coach Derek, she listened to her warm soothing voice – while she melted against her lover's chest, heaving, her belly tight, her vaginal folds pulsing still. _

_She opened her eyes and found Jyothi waiting for her – kneeling down behind Derek – her hands on his shoulders to offer support, her eyes so calm and black and serene that she lost herself within them – and with one guttural moan, all the pain swept out to sea, like the ocean in the middle of the night when no one is looking – the air became hot, but she was not bothered by it, instead she felt Derek's warm embrace and they way he hugged her like the Balinese sun … and therein she felt herself … surrender. _

_Slowly it seemed, she and Derek and Jyothi moved to the chair, slowly, barely cognizant, Meredith joined them physically – coaxing herself to live inside her peace of mind – she felt her breathing become shallow, labored, but she pressed on and within a minute she was sitting on the low towel-covered chair that sat on top of the tarp. She took another deep breath – the warm, sweet breeze caressed her hot cheeks – her hands found her belly where she rubbed and connected, opening her eyes wide to find Derek's endless blue gateways. _

_He smiled and the rest of the world fell away almost immediately, he leaned forward and professed his love to her and like many before, she felt it and smiled, accepting his love and could only stare at him still as he followed Jyothi's instruction and sat at her side, his warm, healing hand on her thigh, his other pressing a cool compress to her raging hot forehead – Jyothi's fingertips massaged her opening again, soothing, gentle earth touches, open, open, open, 'surrender, surrender' – her body froze and she closed her eyes, her vaginal muscles pulsed akin to an orgasm, pulse, pulse, pulse and before she knew it the intense pressure had consumed her. She focused. _

"_Push, Meredith,"_ came Jyothi's calm, radiant voice and she listened.

_Pressing down with all of her might, pulse, pulse, pulse, her muscles worked again and again and again of their own volition, for she was just conduit – the warm breeze blew and fanned her face and chest, her vagina open and ready – the fountain in the courtyard at the 'Zen cottage' trickled and she listened intently as she imagined herself blooming like a hibiscus flower … one petal at a time – pink and beautiful – petal by petal by petal she opened herself… one, two, three, four, five._

_Meredith gasped for air and opened her eyes – moaning aloud with her body ready to push again, no time for relief and she didn't want a reprieve, for she felt the need to tear herself apart! There was no other way to describe it, the pressure at her opening felt like the most beautiful mix of pleasurable pain she could ever recall or might ever feel since – her muscles pulsed, pulsed, pulsed – through her tear-stung eyes, she watched Jyothi hand Derek a pair of latex gloves. He slipped them on, his eyes never leaving hers as she began another round of pushing – 'push, push, push' – she chanted, moaning aloud, growling like the intellectual animal she was. _

_Her head swam – 'surrender, lose yourself to find yourself, surrender' – came Ketut's voice and she listened as it twirled around in her mind like the trickle of the water and the hot breeze over the island of Bali – 'surrender into yourself' – she chanted, the hibiscus opened, another petal, then another, the breeze blew across her heated cheeks and she felt her core split. _

"Meredith," Derek muttered. "Nice and easy," he whispered. "The baby is crowning," he reported, tearing his eyes away from her opening to gaze at his lover's beautiful face, contorted and twisted with concentration. She opened her eyes and thighs wider, ready for more and he could only smile with amazement.

"It's coming, Meredith," Jyothi reported as she breached her vaginal opening, running her fingertips along the small almond shaped cavern there – _the baby's head, just the peak, covered with dark hair, pulsed and moved along with Meredith's contractions_ – the first glimpse of new life, her heart filled with joy. "Derek … feel here," she instructed, taking his fingers and smoothing them around the small crown of the baby's head.

"Oh God," he heaved, his heart giving out, a deep pinch there too as he felt the baby's skull, only the amniotic sac and a pair of latex gloves, a barrier now. "Meredith," he sighed, stifling his emotions as he felt his mother's hand on his shoulder while he wordlessly followed Jyothi's instructions to massage Meredith's vaginal folds – _caressing, loving, around and around he went_ – quite unwilling and unable to move his eyes from the baby's crowning head as it inched forward and Meredith began to bear down again. "You're doing it … you're doing so great," he soothed, steadying his voice the best he could.

"Derek," Meredith breathed, her hand found his shoulder where she squeezed, she opened her eyes and Carolyn was there too. She closed her eyes tight, pressing _down, down_ for a beat before she opened her eyes. "Mom …," she heaved, Derek's head flew up and he locked his eyes with hers for a long second – _and in that moment, he looked like a boy –_ his face laden with happiness and awe, so pure was his surprise that he took her breath away.

"I'm here, dear," Carolyn sighed, kneeling down and into a space Jyothi created for her on the other side. She let her eyes rest on her son for a brief flicker of a moment – _just enough to connect_ – before she turned her attention back to Meredith and slipped a pair of latex gloves on too. "Another push or so and you'll have a head," she smiled knowingly.

_Meredith smiled too – her eyes vacillating like the wind now – Jyothi, Derek, Carolyn, Derek, Derek, Derek and his blue eyes that could always make her sail away to another world, somewhere more mystic than her bedroom or the ferryboat or the OR or even Bali._

_She closed her eyes as her body began to tighten with force again – she felt Derek's fingers slip beneath her folds, resting along the baby's head – she pushed, drawing strength from inside, she pushed with all of her might! _

_Bearing down until her eyes hurt, bringing her chin to her chest – she opened her thighs wider with help from Derek and his mother – she pushed and felt the aftershock_ …_ another round of pulsing, she heard those soothing voices she loved so much, praising her efforts, petting her, nurturing and fueling her … urging her to press on and deliver … and there inside this moment, she did just that!_

_Her whole body shook, quaking like an earthquake, her bottom fell out, but she felt impaled at the same time! _

_The pain was intense, but paradoxically, she was consumed with relief. She felt another contraction grip her – but she breathed through it, not yet ready to push, her vaginal walls clenched down all on their own._

_She felt her nerves pulse – but focused and searched for Derek's energy instead, finding it with ease as he grasped her hand in his, finally able to hear his words!_

_Her heart lurched forward, holding on to his voice – 'the baby's head is out, the baby's head, her baby's head' – was all she could think as she absorbed his joyful chants, only then did her legs go numb … she opened her eyes and she was back, back from whence she came. _

"Her head! Oh baby … Derek … do you see her?" Meredith heaved rapidly with a sigh. "Is … she … okay?" she breathed, her body still pulsing, inching the baby forward and out.

Jyothi's eyes flicked to Carolyn's and both women smiled having known that Meredith and Derek were quite certain as to the baby's gender as they felt confident in Ketut's wisdom, realizing now she must have determined the baby was a girl.

"I do …oh … she's right here," he sighed softly, meeting Meredith's gaze for a beat – _already lost within her dark green eyes, her flushed cheeks, her heaving chest_ – she was gorgeous and oh so powerful. "So far so good … so good," he smiled with encouragement.

Turning back to the baby now, Derek watched Jyothi move a small cloth around the baby's head, down and away, amniotic fluid trickling out the birth canal – _the baby's perfect little ears and a glimpse of her profile, her tiny button nose all in plain sight now_ – his heart pounding as he took Meredith's shaky hand in his. Grasping it tightly before he moved her hand down and brought it to her opening where she presently gasped with joy.

_She smiled and closed her eyes – keeping her hand on the baby's skull, warm and soft and fresh and new – tears of elation stung their eyes – 'she's almost here' – she sighed deep inside as they basked in the blessing of their miracle … their baby girl. _

"Meredith … one more round of pushing – _take all the time you need –_ listen to your body, the shoulders are next … and then the baby will come," she soothed, locking her eyes with the laboring woman as she moved her fingertips along the baby's neck, using the trickle of amniotic fluid as a natural lubricant.

_Meredith sighed – this was it, the solo moment – the one that would define her … this moment here with Derek by her side as they waited quite breathlessly for their joy to meet them!_

_Her body convulsed, she heaved a sigh, her animalistic exhale crowding the room now as she pushed and pushed, bearing down – chin to chest, chest to chin – her growl, deep and powerful, her eyes shut tight against any and all pain – she opened her petals, her beautiful baby girl's head, the pollen – she forced herself to surrender to the pain and find the joy – 'it was for the joy' – came Ketut's soulful voice and broad knowing smile, her perfectly straight teeth and her almond brown skin … 'it was for the joy' she mused from somewhere deep inside her mind … she pushed and pushed, no end in sight until … she opened her eyes and breathed. _

Derek massaged the baby's shoulder cap as it popped from the birth canal – _tears stung his eyes as he felt Meredith's muscles contract over his fingers, working hard, pulse, pulse, pulse, he felt her energy_ – one hand on his lover's thigh, one hand on their baby's flesh. He looked across to his mother who was holding Meredith's other thigh down as she pressed a cold compress to her head.

Jyothi lifted Meredith's hooded clit, more amniotic fluid rushed out from her opening, but the seasoned midwife paid it no mind, she simply praised Meredith and continued to wipe the baby's head and neck, gently, softly – _the baby still quiet, no air to the lungs yet_ – she was still at peace, held within herself from the world at large by the pressure of her lithe body as it remained inside the birth canal.

"Get her other shoulder," Jyothi instructed Derek swiftly now. She raised the top of Meredith's opening again, just below her hooded clit and pointed with her free hand. "See there," she said, pointing below her fingers. "Move the baby's shoulder inside, just slip your fingers under her outer folds and move the baby's bone … right there," she instructed as Derek did as she asked. "Just a little more … and get ready to catch," she whispered to him, locking her eyes on the new father. She turned to Meredith and leaned up to speak with her now in a hushed tone. "This is your moment Meredith … one more push and … Derek will catch your miracle … your faith is in his hands," she soothed, soft and gentle. "Trust yourself … trust him …," she counseled softly, her voice intimate.

Derek smiled and felt Meredith's muscles pulse around his fingers again – _she grabbed his forearm and pushed her chin into her chest_ – growling as she pulsed _down, down, down_ while he lifted her flesh and nerves and taut muscles _up, up, up_ _and over_ the baby's second shoulder cap and with that movement, the floodgates were opened wide _– a vacuum of sound and energy and pure hormonal inertia followed_ – and without another passing second, the baby slipped from the safety and protection of Meredith's internal maternal hold and landed in his waiting arms!

"I got you … I have you," he cried in quiet awe – _Meredith's labored breathing, his heart beating into his ears, the cries of relief and joy and new life all comprised the harmonious soundtrack for the moment, _– everything moving in slow motion now, he was a father – _he held the warm, slippery baby_ _made from his flesh and blood in his hands, 'I have you'_ – he chanted over and over again as he and Jyothi lifted the baby's tiny body and rested her against her mother's chest for the first time.

"Ketut is wise," Jyothi cooed as she cleared the baby's airways, working with skilled precision now. "A healthy baby girl," she confirmed, rubbing the baby's back, inspecting her nose, mouth and ears. The baby cried out, her tiny hands flailing up, searching, grasping until Meredith took her tiny fist in her hand and cooed softly as only a mother would.

"Oh God …," she choked out. "You're really here," she cried breathlessly as the baby's cries continued to fill the hot island air twirling in the room. "She's amazing," she cried, her chest tight, her love big.

_Meredith finally heaved a breath of her own now, her heart surely on fire –so filled to the brink and beyond with love – she had to be drowning! Drowning with untamed joy now, she tread water and looked up to find Derek – his eyes so bright and happy he took her breath away – she sighed and tilted her head up as he ducked down and pressed his lips to hers, stealing her breath away once and for all now before he barely pulled away to speak to her. _

"I love you," he choked out, his lover blurred around the edges, he released his tears. "To say I love you … you amaze me … you … I love you," he sighed; pressing his lips to hers again, soft and quick … their habit alive and well.

With one hand on the baby, Derek reached behind him and pulled the _'gringsing'_ sari they had purchased for this occasion _– he draped the handmade fabric over their little miracle and found Meredith's eyes_ – where he swore she never looked so whole and healed despite her tattered and torn nerves. He shook his head in awe and they peered down to their baby girl together – _safe and full of life and sound_ – and finally on the other side … with them.

_And there they stayed, sated with love and happiness and promises fulfilled – together as a family for the first time – encapsulated with peace and joy, their baby's cries of life filling the once-barren room with hope. _

_Their energy transforming the space into some kind of relic or dedication to the clandestine passion that was once housed here when Meredith first met Derek and they hid from the world together, riding out that perfect storm of 'them' … one might wonder, where were they now, was this the eye or the aftermath?_

_Although, somehow the question had become irrelevant in that their karmic power and the legacy of 'them', their miracle baby had indeed survived any and all twists of fate._

_So yes, there they stayed – Meredith working with Jyothi to deliver her placenta and cut the baby's lifeline to her mother – while Derek worked side by side with his mother to clean and bathe his first-born baby … his mother's fifteenth grandbaby._

_And yes, it would be there that they stayed, basking in the presence of their miracle, where the weight of this tiny, little life made from passion and undying love – would surely tip the scales, and their lives for the good – all seven pounds, five ounces worth. _

"_And together we will float into the mystic."_

**Epilogue – Into the Mystic – Part 6 of 6 to follow. **


	59. Epilogue, Into the Mystic, Part 6 of 6

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al. **

**Author's Note: So, you've made it to the final update for this epfic, very quickly, I would like to thank the following people who have commented anonymously, thank you for taking the time to make a comment (it makes me feel better about finally having the courage to allow anonymous feedback), so thanks to "****greysgal84" and "stilllovesgreys" for your thoughtfulness, it meant a lot. **

**Enjoy this ending and please, let me know what you think and find the sequel next week if you haven't subscribed to an author alert for me. **

**Thanks for reading!**

**Epilogue – Into the Mystic – Part 6 of 6 **

"_Your eyes are wider than before." _

Everything was so quiet and calm and full of peace for the new threesome, Jyothi and Carolyn having slipped from the room a few minutes ago, it was all Meredith could focus on, this transparent vacuum of stillness and oneness and overwhelming clarity – _and it was the quiet that drew her attention, it was the only thing she was able to absorb since the baby was born – _it was the only thing she needed or wanted as she lay back on some pillows. She sighed and watched Derek lean over the baby, her new quiet eyes staring at her father.

_Meredith's eyes dipped shut then, for they were heavier than she remembered in a long time, she felt her nerve-endings snap – the serenity of the enclave swallowed her whole – tears of joy stung her eyes … she had done it. _

She had done it. The quiet enveloped her still – _there was no place to go, nowhere to turn, but she wouldn't have moved if the house was on fire_ – for she loved this new found quiet solitude. And what wasn't to love? Her heart no longer rang out in her ears, her lungs no longer filled with the gasps of her deep breaths of hope and tenacity, her mind no longer wild with the measurement of time, her interest in the subtle changes of the shadows along the bedroom walls, also gone – _their silent games of subterfuge and those shadowy depths of her mother's plight, their whimsical dances had simply ebbed into the background –_ and also gone was the persistent tightening of her abdomen and vaginal walls.

_She was quiet, her whole being relaxed …_

_She was calm, her spirit at peace …_

_She was exhausted, her body frayed around the edges … _

She was a new mother, pure and simple and by definition … she was all of the above – _quiet, calm, exhausted_ – and for once in her life it seemed her timing was impeccable, and for that, she was rewarded with an outcome more beautiful than she could have imagined. And aside from the luxurious quiet she found herself within, this was the blessing she was set upon absorbing now as she relaxed further into the pillows, willing her body to detach from her mind. She had done it.

She had done it; she had surrendered, she confirmed this now as Derek's soft voice billowed through the room, she had made it to the other side; she bear witness to a miracle – _she was more than rewarded amidst all of the grunting and pushing and incalculable rides upon her swelling hormones _– more tears stung her eyes as she grasped upon her swirling emotions now, searching desperately for a life vest, but knowing she didn't need one as she heard the calls of her angels – _the murmur of her gorgeous lover and their baby's quiet response as he spoke to her_ – and in that moment they became her most cherished symphony _– the first sounds of her family_ – that audible evidence of their creation and longevity.

_She closed her eyes and listened – she wasn't alone for once in her life – for even though Derek had long-since made it perfectly clear that he was in this thing with her forever, she knew now that she would never be alone, that she would always be connected to someone via blood and bone and DNA. And that alone was enough; it was a beautiful thing. _

_Her heart raced. _

_She had done it. _

_Her eyes fell upon them. _

_Father and daughter. _

_And then Meredith smiled somewhere deep inside the serene quiet, for the idea of 'father and daughter' never sounded so perfect or possible or real. _

She sighed and shifted her hips, a small aftershock of pain gripped her core, but she could only let it go, let it seep away into the abyss of quiet _– sleep claiming her now as her eyes dipped shut again on their own accord, yes, sleep was imminent_ _despite the adrenaline fighting for her to stay awake_ – yes, her body would win that fight for darkness … and soon.

And so in a last ditch effort to sear this moment into her memory bank, Meredith opened her eyes even wider one last time to watch Derek with their daughter – _perched upon the edge of the bed as he worked, the dim light falling along his broad shoulders akin to a halo_ – his soft voice oh so soothing, so calm and collected and sure, the baby's small whimpers strangely familiar already. She took a lasting breath and listened to Derek's words, watching the careful way in which he handled the baby – _as careful as he would an exposed set of nerves in a sterile OR _– maybe even more careful … more unsure, for he was out of his element, but the baby would never have known.

She had done it –_ sure, __they__ had created _– but _she_ had delivered this moment to _him._ And it was on this blessing that Meredith smiled and listened to the intense whisper of her lover's voice, now the voice of a father.

"_You did good baby … so good. Oh, I know, I know you're cold. Hmm, come here, let's try to get this kimono on, see, we'll lay it down and then put your arms in, see … like this … let's see if daddy can do this. You're a good baby … nine out of ten on your APGAR … nine … out … of … ten, you know, I remember when you were the size of a fig … that's right … and now look at you … hair like daddy's ... mommy's perfect nose … and your eyes, so dark, like midnight … but almost evergreen … also like mommy's, see almost done, let's do the other arm and then snap you up … one, two, three. Ha, we did it … come here baby, let's go see mommy."_

Meredith opened her eyes within the euphoria of her symphony. She smiled and engaged her eyes with Derek's as he turned around with the alert infant – _the baby's dark liquid eyes pinned on her father's doting gateways_ – he smiled down at the baby and then glanced back to Meredith.

"Here she is," he murmured softly, cradling the baby close to his chest before he set her down into the crook of his lover's waiting arms.

"She's really here," Meredith sighed – _her glassy eyes on Derek's_ – her arms instantly warmed via the baby's blissful energy and her dark liquid eyes, _quiet, quiet, quiet._

"She's gorgeous," he sighed softly, leaning down to press a kiss to Meredith's temple.

_He smiled tightly and sat down on the bed next to Meredith where the world stopped for a brief moment as they stared in simple awe at the tiny life force they created while she stared at them in tandem – smiling as he watched the baby divert her attention and begin to root at the full crescent of Meredith's exposed breasts – survival and bonding instincts in full swing, her open mouth meeting her tiny fists as she did. Meredith met Derek's eyes for a split-second before she pushed the garment aside and teased the baby's lips with her puckered nipple, tears welling in her eyes as the baby latched on and instinctually nursed from her breast – peace and harmony flowing from her like an ancient river – the succinct energy of mother to daughter, daughter to mother moving between them for the first time. _

Derek pressed another kiss to Meredith's temple, he felt her relax against him, closing the miniscule distance between them. "Wow," he sighed with wonder, his heart raced, he took a deep breath of the sweet air.

"She's perfect," Meredith murmured breathlessly after a minute, her glassy eyes stuck on the baby's as they watched each other without blinking, she caressed the baby soft skin of her newborn cheek,_ back and forth, quiet, quiet, quiet._ "She's really a gem, isn't she Derek? Just like we imagined she would be … rare and multi-faceted … a Ruby … Ruby, you are so beautiful …," she heaved softly meeting her lover's gaze, unable to finish reciting the full name they had chosen – _her heart lunged forward, she was a Shepherd, a Shepherd_ – tears welled and splashed along her cheeks, she turned her chin up; Derek kissed her lips, _once, twice._

"She is … just like we imagined," he sighed, finding her eyes. "Go on … name her, Meredith," he encouraged, knowing how much the Balinese naming ritual meant to her. He closed his eyes; Meredith's hot breath fanning his neck as he did … _Bali was calling._

"Name her …," she smiled, a sense of calm washed over her … she must name her. "You are blessed, dear sweet baby," she cooed, her fingertips dancing through the baby's tufts of dark hair. "Ruby Anne … Nyoman … Shepherd," she breathed, her heart trembling akin to a ripe tomato on the vine, tears of joy pricked her eyes … the baby had a name … she did it.

'_She did it'_, Derek smiled softly, pressing a chaste kiss to Meredith's cheek before he ducked down and kissed Ruby's crown. "Still a mouthful of a name," he whispered conspiratorially to the nursing baby. Meredith's giggle filled the air. He looked up to find her. "What? It's a mouthful," he teased, basking in the innate radiance of his lover's aura.

"So you've said … but a meaningful mouthful all the same," Meredith retorted playfully – _they were blessed_ – truly blessed, first Wayan then Nyoman.

_Sighing unison the couple lost themselves for a beat – each no doubt thinking about Bali and Ketut and Wayan – each contemplating the significance of passing on a Balinese name to their child – their first born child – but their second child, for Wayan would always be the first, he would always be a Shepherd … according to them._

_Meredith heaved a sigh, her eyes dipped shut, the baby's action at her breast waned, but she latched on still, her survival instincts already on par … she was here, they were blessed. _

_Derek took a deep breath before he dared himself to whisper to his lover, his eyes locked on Meredith's serene face … the tension of her furrowed brow long gone now that Ruby had come through to the other side ... she was here, they were blessed. _

"Meredith, what do you need?" Derek asked hesitantly after another minute, for all the life experiences he'd had, this was uncharted territory; he needed and would gladly take the cues from her.

She smiled. "You in this bed with us," she smirked leaning forward to kiss her lover, quite certain his insecurities made him even more adorable. He chuckled and kissed her back.

"You don't mess around do you?" he teased eliciting a throaty giggle from his woman, moving his lips down to the crook of her neck, she smelled like the salt of the earth, her sweet essence there too.

"Actually, I do … mess around … I mean, look where we are," she teased with a raised brow, her eyes darting down to Ruby's for a beat before she met Derek's intense gaze – _he was so happy _– and inside his happiness she was once again captivated by the playful flecks within the deep ocean of his eyes; he took her breath away still, even now.

"I love where we are," he muttered, his eyes falling on the nursing infant, his heart melted. "Fooling around is good," he sighed, pressing a kiss to Meredith's flushed cheek.

"It is …," she doted, looking down again to Ruby _– she was here, she was nursing, she was perfect_ – tears of relief crowded her eyes again. She sighed and shook her head, a yawn escaping her lips as she did. Derek held her close and she relaxed, her eyes dipped shut again. "Come to bed," she whispered, fatigue capturing her now.

_Derek sighed and pressed a kiss to Meredith's temple. Ruby locked her dark eyes with his – he reached down and stroked her check with the side of his finger – back and forth he went before he pried himself away from the moment to slip his pants and long sleeve shirt off with the thought of showering later. He switched the bathroom light off and crossed the room to close the window, his eyes meeting his reflection in the window as he did – he was a father, he looked the same, but he knew his life had been changed forever – he had grown, he was proud and he knew his father would be too, if only he could have been here for this … triumph. _

_He heaved a sigh on that though and with a smile he turned around – quite certain he melted like hot maple syrup when he spied Meredith – right where he left her with her eyes closed, consumed with peace and harmony, Ruby enveloped in the same blanket of energy, asleep on her breast. Derek crossed the room to her side of the bed. _

"Meredith," he whispered, his fingers moving to trace her cheekbone.

_He sighed inside the quiet moment, a moment so quiet that as his soft voice reverberated through the space, he thought for sure he would break this magical spell … but he didn't, the magic, his peaceful lover and their love baby remained, still connected, still at peace under the expansive canopy of bliss. _

"Hmm, so tired," Meredith murmured softly, the haze of her euphoria lifted for the briefest of moments.

She opened her eyes to find the clear gateways belonging to her beloved – _all of his storms out to sea, gone, gone, gone_ – even the room a shade darker now was unable to dull the sparkle she saw in her man … he was at peace … all activity for the day had ceased and night was upon them. She took a deep breath – _it would be nice to rest_ – sure she would feel it all in the morning, but right now – _with the quiet way the world had stopped spinning and in the beautiful way her belly had stopped humming_ – the only thing on her mind (besides Ruby and Derek) was the delirium of sleep.

"Well, tired must be an understatement," Derek soothed, watching her eyes slip shut again. "I'm going to take Ruby," he murmured softly, feeling the need to inform her; he felt her cradle hold on the baby slacken slightly and only then did he lift slowly the baby from her mother's embrace, carefully watching her oral hold on Meredith's nipple as he did. "Let's swaddle you up little one," he cooed to the sleeping infant, cradling her skull and tiny body with his hands, before he raised the linens in an effort to cover Meredith's breasts. "Let's do this and get into bed with mommy," he whispered, swaddling her lithe frame by rote, he laid her back – _her soul-filled eyes now closed and surely dreaming_ – he smiled at the thought, his paternal gateways never leaving her angel face as he worked.

Once finished, he turned the dimmer on the bedside lamp to the lowest setting (not trusting himself to turn it all the way off yet). He lay Ruby down on top of the linens on the middle of the bed and slipped into the covers, rolling to his side once he lay down, the baby situated in the crescent of his body, her tiny chest moving up and down – _the dim filtered light highlighting her gorgeous side profile, her perfect nose_ – tears pricked his eyes as he watched her … his baby daughter.

"Breathing of your free will … all on your own," he whispered, completely mystified still. "I'm so proud of you baby," he barely choked out, unspent emotion barreling through him now like a freight train without a conductor, his heart quaked – _'thank God, thank God they were both okay' _– was all he could think, he was blessed, her baby chest moved up and down. He smiled. "So blessed … we are by you, your mommy and I …," he sniffled through his words.

_His head swam, his eyes burned and acute fatigue began to claim him now, although he couldn't find the urge to sleep … not yet, for he couldn't move his eyes from the baby's sleeping form, up, down went her chest – everything was aligned, everyone was at peace – Meredith's ring sparkled in the muted light, their miracle had arrived. The floorboards creaked outside the doorway – his mother was on her way down to her room – and then he smiled and his heart simmered down and he felt his body become heavy as steel and therein he finally relaxed under this canopy of safety his mother brought with her, it was her steadfastness, her will … her way … and they were blessed to have her with them. He glanced at the clock – it was just after 8:00 PM, his eyes were dry and tired – and then he smiled, the night was still young somewhere in the world … but right here, right now, __his__ world had stopped spinning and was fast asleep. _

_And as they slept, he continued to watch Ruby's chest rise and fall – hypnotized by her perfect balance of energy – the way she soothed his weary and aged soul. She was his angel on earth, pure and simple and his love for her was both pure and innate … it was as natural as her birth was. He sighed deep inside and tried to quell his racing heart – 'slow, deep breaths' – he coached himself to no avail, but alas he was unsuccessful as a barrage of stifled emotions came to the surface and boiled over. He took another long, deep breath – his eyes on his sleeping beauties – their need to rest and recuperate his utmost concern, though his heart raced on and on._

_He coached himself again – letting his neck relax against the pillow now, he kept his eyes on the baby's chest – he stilled his heart and matched his exhale with hers, silently connecting as he did. He closed his eyes for a beat in time and listened … and baby made three; he opened his eyes and smiled. _

_Without thinking then, he moved his free hand and lay it over Ruby's chest, her tiny heartbeat strummed against this palm – and much like a hummingbird, she hummed, beat-beat, beat-beat – she was here, she wasn't just a dream … she had become their reality. And on that thought, Derek closed his eyes; the baby's heart beat lulling him closer and closer to sleep. _

As Meredith listened to Derek – _her mind vacillated, asleep, awake, breathe in, breathe out, the hard part was over, she reminded herself _– for she had survived and the proof: _her heavy heart now filled to capacity with love for their miracle baby._

She breathed and owned the moment – _Ruby, their gem, their everything, living, breathing all on her own_ – and then she smiled somewhere deep inside, feeling that ever-present pinch of new love once again –_ her heart stretching to accommodate its insurmountable needs_ – for this new love was indeed bigger than her, bigger than them.

Resting her new heavy heart now _– her hand absentmindedly moved to her belly, months of caressing, rubbing, connecting, still a force of habit_ – the life force within now gone, barren, swollen still, she felt a twinge of something … what was it: _Longing? Emptiness? Vacancy?_

She pushed through her mind but tears formed under lids anyway, forcing her eyes open wherein she was immediately struck with a sight that she would surely deposit into her memory bank, a sight she would most certainly collect interest on for the rest of her life. She quietly lost it inside now – _if she wasn't already faint of heart, she most definitely was now _– melting into nothingness, her skin merely a casing, a barrier to keep her from losing herself within the power of this new multi-faceted clarity of love.

Meredith shivered, watching now as her daughter's chest rose and fell – _up and down it went_ – her father's loving, protective hand lay on top … both of her people – _her angels on earth_ –sleeping, breathing, living and dreaming … in tandem.

Tears pooled again and she held them there, willing them to recede before she moved her hand and gently set it atop Derek's, her need to connect impossible to avoid – _baby, baby, baby_ – her heart pinched with that new deep love again; Derek's azure blue eyes popped open to find her there.

"Derek," she sighed, smiling as she called to her lover from her same spot, quite satisfied to stay right there in the moment and never, ever let time move again. She was sated; she had everything she ever dared herself to dream for … everything.

"Hmm … breathing of her own volition … I have no words," he sighed breathlessly, his eyes locked on her emerald gateways, he was lost, but oh so found. "I really would have nothing if weren't for you … and your capacity forgive me … meeting you that night …," he rambled as thick tears clouded his vision, his mind having a difficult time catching up with his heart.

"I would too, you know ... have nothing, nothing compared to this," she soothed, watching Derek's glassy eyes light up and then soften, those same soft eyes darting down to their daughter for a beat before he looked up to find her again.

Meredith held his gaze then and silently connected whilst riding the waves of physical and mental exhaustion that continued to combat her body's adrenaline – _push, push, push_ – she felt her body ache as she took a lingering deep breath, but the adrenaline pulsed on and on still, only a sign of the anomaly of her acute state of emotional turmoil – _turmoil that might have swallowed her whole had it not been for the evidence of their living, breathing miracle_ – her mind went wild, she tried to still her heart. She rubbed her palm over the top of Derek's hand and smiled weakly, staring at his eyes, willing them to whisk her away to that safe place she loved best of all … his heart and soul.

_Ruby. Seedling. Derek. Father. Mother. Wayan. Ketut. Birth. Story. Pain. Rain. Tsunami. Love. Fright. Whole. Healed. Birth. Rebirth. Barren. Vacancy. Relief. Peace. Harmony. Light. Fate. Destiny. Bali. Love. Storms. Pain. Story. Rebirth. Birth. Ketut. Wayan. Wayan. Derek. Father. Mother. Ruby. Ruby. Ruby._

Her heart as wild as her mind now, she smiled, her eyes darting down to the sleeping infant – _she was blessed, they all were _– and therein the clock ticked forward, _tick, tick, tick,_ the earth moved on its axis and life resumed once again. She looked up to find Derek waiting for her, she sighed and let her eyes smile and watched him melt from the inside out.

"I want to take Ruby home in the afternoon tomorrow," she whispered, Derek smiled weakly. "I know I'll be sore and I know … it's soon but I don't want to share her … not yet," she confessed, her eyes full of unshed emotion, her heart pinned somewhere to her sleeve. "I want to take her home where she belongs," she sighed.

"I know … me too, lets wait to see what Jyothi says tomorrow and then we'll go … we'll take her home," he soothed, because he really didn't want to share her yet and because something remarkable was going on here and he wanted to live it to its potential, he wanted to soak it all in and own it for now and for all time.

Derek sighed and watched Meredith's eyes close, finally relaxing, finally on her way to sleep. He smiled and surveyed his girls again, awestruck by all that had happened, completely smitten by the baby and if possible, more completely aligned with Meredith than ever before. He closed his eyes and let this vision of his family – _his woman and their baby sleeping side by side_ – he searing this memory into his bank now, his heart melting from the love and heat.

"_She's okay?"_ came Meredith's soft billowy voice.

Derek opened his eyes. "She's perfect," he answered with soft surety, because she really was … perfect.

###

"_Don't underestimate this precious time."_

The first night for the new family had been a restful one – _Ruby slept, Derek and Meredith awoke to check on her and each other, they gelled, solidifying their roles_ – and when the predawn light began to seep through the curtain Derek finally rose from bed and slipped into the shower.

_Meredith breathed upon his departure, listening as the shower came to life, keeping her eyes closed for now – she held the sticky nighttime air in her lungs in an effort to preserve the sweetness she found within – trying to figure out exactly what it reminded her of … new life, life-giving perspiration, so sweet, yet so earthy and familiar, it was like an offering to the Gods on mystic morning on Bali, both sweet and nutty – she smiled now – for it was either that or birthday cake! Her nerve-endings snapped, effectively waking her up, she stretched a little, shifting her weight as she did. _

And with that shift a dull ache claimed her body, but she knew once she had a shower and moved around a little bit, the aftershock of all the pushing would begin to wane and she could move on and forward … with life. Her eyes popped open then and met the dimly lit room – _she cast her sleepy gateways down to find her angel baby_ – still swaddled in her blanket, her cheeks still rosy, her nose still perfect, her eyes still closed and dreaming.

_She was perfect … a vision … a dream come true and in that moment Meredith's heart revved up, racing on and on with no place to go and that suited her just fine, for they were alone – mother and daughter for the first time – alone, safely locked inside a small window of cherished time … alone._

She hunkered down then and carefully rolled to her side, the baby in the crescent of her form now – _the shower died down, she lay her palm on Ruby's chest, up, down, up down, Meredith's heirloom ring sparkled brilliantly in the filtered light_ – she heard Derek emerge from the bathroom, a small triangle of new light cast a long shadow into the room, she peeked behind her and smiled at her lover – _his plentiful locks slick with water, his chest naked and pink, steam billowing into the room with him, a towel tied around his waist_ – he smiled and crossed the room, dropping the towel, he slipped a pair of boxers on followed by some clean jeans and long sleeve indigo Henley. He looked refreshed.

"Good morning," he whispered as he sat on the bed behind his lover, his lips found her neck, where he pulsed them over her flesh, breathing her in as he did.

"Morning … she's still sleeping … she's so peaceful," Meredith murmured, leaning back and into the clean, damp heat radiating from her lover's body.

"She is … I hope … I hope she can feel this peace as she grows," Derek sighed. "I know it'll be hard, but I always want to remember these first hours with her, like this … with you," he whispered with an endearing smile.

_Reaching over, he pressed a kiss to Meredith's shoulder and gently lay his palm to the crown of Ruby's head – seemingly unmoved in her swaddle since he lay her there a few hours ago, her chest rose and fell – he felt her heat radiate against his palm and then he prayed, silently hoping this blessing of remembrance and peace would live on and prosper for all of them. _

Meredith sighed; the floorboards creaked out in the hallway, the couple turned their attention to the doorway – _time froze and for some reason she held her breath, real life was right outside that door and she knew she wasn't ready for it yet_ – the footsteps shuffled by, Meredith met Derek's gaze somewhere in the middle before she burrowed into his heat again.

"They're up for pre-rounds," she mused shifting her hips, a band of tension moved across her abdomen.

"Hmm," Derek smiled, cocking his head. "And how are you?" he asked, for he had a keen eye on Meredith's health too.

"Sore … but in the best way ever," she answered pointedly and then she smirked. "Outside of really needing to pee and change … and definitely shower, I'm perfect," she mused, meeting her lover's gaze.

"Want some help up?" he asked, holding his hand out.

"Yeah, sure," she chuckled, passing a doting eye on the baby as the bed shimmied.

Ruby slept on as Meredith took Derek's hand and leveraged herself from the bed, Derek once again her anchor, her rock as she came to stand in front of him – _he smiled brilliantly, his eyes sparkling, his heat ample_ – she melted into his touch, his lips found hers – _he tasted of toothpaste and smelled of soap _– she softly pulsed her lips against his _once, twice_ before he pulled back, no doubt surveying her recovery already.

"You want some help in there?" he asked, pressing his forehead to hers, he scanned her eyes, back and forth.

"I'll be okay, just sore and need to change, brush my teeth," she mused with a soft grin.

"Any cramping?" he asked, persisting now, though he knew she wouldn't hedge if something felt abnormal.

"Nope, just bleeding … seems okay," Meredith sighed, pressing a kiss to the handsome plane of his cheek. "Be right back," she soothed, saying more with her eyes than with her words. She smiled and slowly turned out of his arms.

Derek watched her go, she left the door ajar and went about freshening up – _he turned and his eyes fell on Ruby, still sleeping, still dreaming_ – noticing now some blood on the disposable lap pad they had used on the bed, he decided to busy himself by changing the pad and fluffing Meredith's pillows up, careful not to disturb the baby as he worked. He heard the toilet flush, then the water, then the whirl of his lover's electric toothbrush. He smiled – _business as usual, life was moving again_ – he tossed the soiled pad into the trashcan they set by the door. The water cut off and Meredith stood inside the open doorway between the two rooms.

"Thanks," she murmured, gesturing her hand to the refreshed bed linens, she watched Derek watch her carefully. "Everything was fine, you know," she teased, moving to stand in front of him.

"I know, I just like to make sure …," he smiled and chuckled, their eyes moving to Ruby once again, swathed in her blankets, unmoved, happily dreaming in the center of the bed. "You did so great," he mused, draping his arm around Meredith.

"I did it," she sighed, tilting her head up.

"You did," he agreed, the air between them hot and sticky.

_A flash of Meredith's secret smile passed over her eyes, locked on his, she licked her minty lips. Derek ducked down and pressed his mouth to hers, always a perfect fit, pulse, pulse, kiss, kiss, she tasted of mouthwash and smelled of facial soap, her cheeks pink, her hands on his hips, they swayed. _

"I love you," he sighed breathlessly against her mouth.

"I love you too," Meredith whispered breathlessly against his.

_She pulled back for a beat, meeting his gaze – before their eyes and lips locked together in a series of quick instinctual pulses – minty, fresh, simple, passionate, kisses that spoke unspoken words like: longevity, adoration and wonder. Their mouths moving succinctly, harmonizing now amidst the quiet solace – pulse, pulse, pulse they were transcended, lost within their collective energy – pulling back briefly to catch a glimpse of one another, the euphoric fog now dense. Meredith smiled, reaching up, she cradled her lover's skull in her hands, blinking back those relentless hormonal tears once again, her heart on fire with undeniable love._

Derek pressed his forehead against hers, their eyes locked in a dual, heat raging between them as the world fell away for a beat. He ducked down and started to kiss her minty lips once again, his momentum only interrupted by Meredith's stomach – _a ferocious growl of hunger –_ one that broke through the quiet rage of their tantalizing spell; her hand flew to her stomach; her giggle filled the cracks and crevices of their enclave … life, movement, momentum were suddenly in the air.

Derek chuckled and set his hand upon hers and smiled too, amused by the bewildered look set in her eyes. "I need to feed you," he mused happily.

"You think?" Meredith kidded, patting her empty belly – _barren, empty_ – she became quiet, her eyes darted down.

Derek watched Meredith's eyes, her demeanor changed and a look he couldn't read was suddenly plastered to her face. He pressed his lips together and set his hand on top of hers, her hand trembled under his touch. "Feels strange, I bet," he whispered, meeting her gaze as she looked up.

"Yeah … she's here, I'm happy she's here … but …," she smiled, choking on her words. She shook her head, her heart bleated in protest.

"But …," Derek prompted, he had an idea of where her head is now, but he certainly didn't want to put words in her mouth, for her birth experience was vastly different and more complicated than his.

"Oh, it sounds silly … I miss her, she's right there, all on her own … but I knew I would Derek … miss her," she chuckled. She turned into his arms and looked up to find his adoring gaze. He smiled. "I loved being pregnant with her … and so I miss her – _my heart strings are literally pulling and it hurts_ – but in a good way," she mused, tiny tears crashed along the shores of her cheeks.

Derek held her close, pulling her into a gentle hug, his eyes fell on Ruby – _sleep, sleep, dream, dream _– he smiled and pulled back. "What can I do?" he asked simply.

_Meredith's chortle filled the gap between them and her eyes lit up as she watched a dawn of recognition cross over her man's handsome face. She giggled and he shook his head. _

"One day … I want more, I knew I would … I miss her on the inside," she smiled reflecting on the future.

"Me too, I want more babies with you," he muttered, his voice thick, his heart sure, he smiled and moved his hands through her wild tresses. "Just tell me what you need, how I can help," he sighed breathlessly, finding his lover through his watery gateways.

"Just put up with me," she replied softly, captivated by the wild storm of emotion set in her lover's eyes. He smiled and leaned down, pressing his lips to hers, soft and quick.

"I don't have to put up with you Meredith," he soothed, drawing her near. "I love you," he whispered in her ear.

"I love you too … so much," she whispered into the quiet, her voice so soft it was meant for his ears only.

_Meredith held on tight then; a current of energy found the back of her neck and buzzed down to her heart, her core, her feet and beyond. She took a stacked deep breath, for it wasn't that Derek hadn't professed his love to her before, of course he had countless times since they were first reunited – it wasn't that – it was the storm of real emotion inside, the way his voice cracked, the way he also held her tight … the words somehow meant something more, right here, right now – she caught a glimpse of her heirloom ring sparkling in the dim light – and then she smiled and swayed in her lover's arms, drawing strength and heat from his energy._

Her stomach rumbled again – _it was like a storm getting closer_ – the couple laughed and pulled away from one another. "I'll go," Derek chuckled. "Be back in a few," he smiled and set a lingering kiss upon his lover's hungry lips.

"Okay," Meredith answered, pulling back.

Derek chuckled and exited the room, leaving the door ajar as he went – _a swoosh of cooler air, the energy of life outside their enclave silently entered the room _– Meredith kept her eyes trained on the doorway for a beat, smiling now, for she felt more grounded, more like herself_ (for the moment anyway). _She turned away and crossed the room, making her way back to bed when she heard it, a rush of life and energy and happiness as it billowed up the stairs.

"_Yo daddy!"_ came Alex's baritone.

"_There he is!" _came George's brotherly tone.

"_We love you Meredith!" _came Izzie's singsong voice from the bottom of the steps.

_Meredith smiled and turned back to the door. Tears stung her eyes as she stood motionless and basked in their gleeful energy, she closed her eyes, her baby tears fell and she sniffled into the quiet._

Turning away from door again, she gingerly slipped into bed, careful not to disturb Ruby too much as she carefully picked the baby up, cradling her close, feeling her warmth, watching for a moment as the shadows danced along her serene face, it was still true, _'life'_ hadn't gotten to her yet.

"All that whoopla is for you baby," Meredith cooed softly. "Can you hear it?" she smiled. "It's life … you're really here," she soothed, basking in the radiant heat of her miracle's energy.

_And it was under that canopy of energy that Meredith sighed – taking in the small features of her baby daughter – realizing once again that they didn't have to wonder anymore, no more guessing who she might look like, no more estimating her birth weight – no need to wonder if she would have her lover's plentiful dark locks – because she did, and she was here … living, breathing, dreaming … here. _

_Unshed tears pricked her eyes now as she took a deep breath and ran her fingertips through the baby's soft tufts of dark hair. Ruby heaved a sleepy sigh and opened her dark liquid eyes; her orbs still black – although flecks of evergreen shone deep within – and in that moment Meredith wondered if this really would be the imprint of her legacy for Ruby … green eyes. _

_She smiled and stared at the baby, blurred around the edges with her tears of happiness – her heart stopping now, 'breathe in, breathe out' – she coached herself … she was a mother. She was breathless … she had done it … she was alone with her miracle. She took a deep breath and held it inside for a moment, gathering the courage to speak without losing it. She shook her head and stared at the baby, Ruby stared right back at her_.

"You mystify me," she began, her voice shaking ever so slightly, she sighed, her heart raced. She ran her fingertips along Ruby's baby soft cheek. "All this time, I wondered who you would look like … and now I know … I know none of it really mattered … nothing mattered before you …," she rambled with a smile, Ruby blinked. "I'm really going to do my best, baby … I … really am …," she promised. "I don't come from much with this family stuff, but I'm learning okay?" she sniffled, tears welled, she blinked them away. "Your daddy and your nana, they're really helping me and they love you so much already … we all do," she cooed; her heart raced. "I just … mommy wants you to know, I won't let you down and I'll always be here for you … and you won't ever be … _lonely_ …," she heaved a sigh, fat tears welled in her eyes and slipped onto her cheeks. "Loneliness won't be part of your world, baby … and you … you won't ever have to wonder …," she lost her voice, her heart constricted. "You … you won't ever have to wonder if you're loved," she cried, forcing herself to stare into the depths of Ruby's being … and therein she promised and she would once again, deliver. "I love you sweet baby and nothing will ever change that," she smiled, her heart simmering down, Ruby turned her head inward, her mouth beginning to root at the swell of her breast.

_Meredith smiled and moved the fabric aside and pointed her nipple toward the baby's open mouth – she met her gaze and opened her mouth wide too – Ruby mimicked her; Meredith teased her mouth again with her large, dark nipple; the baby latched on and promptly began to nurse. They were once again connected … mother to daughter._

"Such as a smart baby," Meredith cooed proudly as she ducked down and kissed Ruby's soft head, breathing in all of her sweetness as she did.

_Pulling back, mother and daughter kept their eyes trained on one another then for a long while – and within the spirit found inside her offspring's dark emerald pools of reflection – Meredith let her mind wander and therein she was home again, for she could __see__ the Indian Ocean at night … she could __feel__ the cooler nighttime are breeze along her hot sun-stroked skin … she could smell the unmistakable fragrance of the island … salty, sweet, musty, smoky and organic … indeed, Bali was still calling … and calling._

_The baby blinked and with that the bottleneck of Meredith's emotions vanquished, gone and away with her visions of the island … leaving her here, right where she was meant to be – sharing the first morning alone with her miracle baby – a true moment in time where everything was new and fresh and already rebuilt and reborn … it was a blank slate … a second chance at this mother-daughter thing and therein she could ask for little else. _

Stroking the baby's cheek, she whispered. "You're my angel on earth … just wait … wait until you see Bali," she sighed breathlessly and then she smiled widely, her mind on Wayan and Ketut. "Just wait until _Bali_ meets you," she said softly with tears embedded in her eyes, she heaved a sigh in an effort to quell her racing heart.

_Her tears welled, coating her eyes like Windex to glass – the floorboards creaked, the shadows danced – she sniffled and blinked her tears away, watching through her watery eyes as the door moved open to reveal her lover balancing a tray with one hand as he closed the door behind him with his backside. _

Derek smiled brilliantly, at a complete loss for words – _for he was visualizing a dream come true _– Meredith's happy wet eyes, their love baby at her breast, it was enough to know they had truly beat the odds.

"Did you hear all that raucous?" he beamed proudly as he crossed the room.

Meredith smiled and looked down to Ruby, her eyes closed again, dreamland abound. She smiled and looked up as Derek set the tray down on the bedside table. "We did," she answered, her eyes glued to his now, sparkling, dancing with happiness in the pale morning light – _he was tired, yet invigorated _– he was a vision she decided just then … a new daddy. She glanced at the tray. "So, what's all this?" she asked, the air suddenly filled with the life of new aromas, coffee, tea, mango … and cake. She smiled.

"Oh," Derek chuckled, turning, he lifted a simple six inch round cake and held it up, his eyes locked on Meredith's as she tilted her head with a smile – _the small cake was stunning to look at,_ _bright white fondant frosting, decorative green lattice ribbons adorned the sides_ – the work was meticulous, the very essence of the tiny masterpiece had Izzie Steven's signature style written all over it. Derek smiled broadly, amused by the curious look crossing his lover's face. "Birthday cake," he announced, catching Meredith's wide eyes with his now.

"I _thought_ I smelled cake in the middle of the night!" Meredith giggled, her eyes suddenly wet again.

"Me too," he chuckled, setting the cake down on the tray again. "Do you want some?" he asked, meeting her eyes, she nodded an emphatic _'yes'. _Derek chuckled. "She used extra coconut, made me promise to tell you," he muttered with a wry grin. He glanced down at the baby, his heart softened. "She's asleep," he mused softly, his eyes resting on Ruby's peacefulness.

"Hmm, yeah … all my promises wore her out," Meredith sighed breathlessly, slipping the baby's mouth from her breast; she covered up and stroked her baby soft cheek.

Derek smiled and made a slice into the decadent cake. "You made your promises," he mused softly, setting a large piece of cake upon one of the plates.

"I did," Meredith doted, bringing the baby upright for a beat, rubbing the tiny frame of her back as she did. She watched Derek cut a second piece of cake.

"You're amazing," he said, looking up, watching Meredith lay the baby down, cradling her delicate skull in her hands.

"You keep saying that," she giggled, situating the baby in the middle of the bed again.

"It's true," he quipped, handing her a hot cup of jasmine tea with just the right amount of honey.

She took the hot cup and held in close, her abdomen ached but she let the tenderness go, she took a deep breath, inhaling a waft of star jasmine flowers. "You know …," she giggled. "I kinda feel a little bit amazing," she confessed with a wry grin. She took a sip of her tea and let herself relax against her pillows … first tea and cake and then a shower, after which she would start to feel more like herself.

Derek smiled widely before he took a sip of his piping hot coffee – _the morning elixir doing its job _– the fresh-brewed dark roast, nothing short of a miracle some of the time. He held his cup up in an effort to mock-toast – _Meredith's giggle filled the room, dancing and swaying in the morning light_ – Derek took another satisfied sip from his cup, his woman was feeling better already, he could tell … Meredith was still there – _under all the layers of uncertainty and exhaustion_ – his lover was there and she was alive and well. He held out a plate of cake and Meredith smiled appreciatively before taking a bite – _licking her lips and moaning and she closed her eyes in what must have been bliss_ – Derek could only smile and look on.

"Izzie and her damn cake," she muttered before taking another massive bite … it was just like Ruby: _sweet and delicate._

"It's good cake," Derek smiled, somewhat mesmerized by watching Meredith devour the sweet treat. "Happy birthday," he sighed, taking another ceremonious bite.

_Meredith's chortle moved through the quiet as she beamed – her mouth full of cake, her cheeks flushed, her hair wild, her ring sparkled; her baby slept – and all of a sudden, there was life and conversation and birthday cake infiltrating the room and it was okay, just as it should have been. _

###

"_I surrender myself to your presence and peace of mind."_

The late afternoon light shone through the glass panels of the front door – _the last of the bags packed, the new family about to step outside for the first time _– Jyothi sat down next to Meredith, Ruby sat in her infant car seat perched on the coffee table in front of them, seemingly swallowed whole by her blankets and the contraption of safety. The women doted, the baby slept on – _the front door opened, Derek dashed in for the last of the bags_ – his excited eyes catching Meredith's for a quick beat. He smiled and disappeared; the door clicked shut.

"I know I keep saying this … Jyothi, but … thank you for everything," Meredith smiled, keeping her eyes trained on the sleeping baby. She shifted on the sofa, her body protested still. "I know I sound like a broken record … but when I look at her … I don't know," she smiled and turned to meet the midwife's steadfast gaze, this ever-present stance of calm and peace.

"It was a pleasure, it always is," Jyothi said with a soft smile. She set a reassuring hand along Meredith's forearm and pressed down evenly. "This is a great joy, this calling in my life … don't you see, it is I who should be thanking you," she mused softly; Meredith's eyes welled with tears.

Her waiting tears fell, sprinkling along her cheeks. Meredith sniffled, regaining composure now. "Ketut says, _'it was for the joy'_, she says that a lot," she sighed with a reflective smile.

"I like that," Jyothi mused with a broad smile.

The front door opened and closed again, Derek appeared in the frame of the entryway. He smiled. "So … just a couple of bags from the kitchen and we're all set," he announced softly from his same spot, his mind set upon watching Meredith carefully, for as much as she was anxious to get home, he also knew she was reluctant to leave the cocoon they had created here.

"Okay, sounds good," Meredith whispered, her eyes soft, still wet.

She watched him slip through the swinging door, disappearing again, this time to join his mother where she was packing some ready-to-heat meals up, for it was no secret, she'd been cooking up a storm since her arrival and had even picked up her pace in the day and a half since the baby was born – _Carolyn Shepherd was a mother through and through, she knew all the right things to do_ – Meredith's eyes lingered on the doorway for a long moment, her mind wild now before she sighed and turned back to Jyothi.

"I'll come out next week on Wednesday as planned," Jyothi counseled softly. "But … should you feel anything suspect … cramping, excessive bleeding …_anything_ …," she cautioned.

"We will call …," Meredith promised. "So far … I feel … _everything_," she breathed, her heart banging around in her chest as she searched for the right words. "Everything feels so big – _not unmanageable_ – just big and new … more vivid, like I have reached a new tier for my emotions, like I have new eyes …," she sighed with frustration, she felt good … she was happy, she just couldn't articulate all of these new feelings.

Jyothi draped her arm along Meredith's shoulders and squeezed, Meredith giggled and so did she. "You're a mother – _that's the way of the mother_ – you'll grow used to it … and you Meredith, already had such strong tendencies for motherhood … it's just Ruby is here now, you feel it now … your heart is stretching and it's wonderful," she coached, allowing her soothing voice to lull the new mother.

_The pair sat in silence for a beat, both lost in the aura of the sleeping baby and the 'stretching' of their hearts. Meredith relaxed, they would be home soon, she sighed somewhere deep inside, she was about to leave her mother's home, a mother herself – and with this hasty departure, she knew life wouldn't catch up with them yet – Cristina and Owen were expected to come out the day after tomorrow and Derek's mother would come daily, but other than that … they were set out to do what Meredith and Derek dreamed they would … bond with the baby and let her bond with them under a blanket of peaceful energy. _

Derek pushed through the door, his mother following closely behind, each holding a pair of brown paper grocery bags. The pair smiled their same smile and set the bags down. Meredith stood up – _her abdominal muscles tightening as she went _– Derek smiled and watched as she crossed the room and came to stand in front of them. Jyothi's eyes remained on the baby as she slept through the life and emotion billowing through the room.

"Meredith dear," Carolyn sighed, taking the new mother's tiny hands in hers. "Can we have a moment before you leave – _I'll know we'll see each other every day until I go – _but I …," she smiled. "I have something for you," she said softly as she fished two envelopes from the deep pocket of her poncho sweater.

"Ah the letters," Derek mused knowingly, his eyes instantly wet, his heart raced, for he could hardly believe it was _'his'_ turn. He briefly met his mother's watery gaze.

"The letters," Meredith repeated evenly, tearing her eyes away from Carolyn's, she looked to her lover nearly overwrought with emotion now … letters … words … coming from Carolyn.

_She looked down; there was one for her and one for Ruby. She moved her fingertips over Ruby's name, the gesture, the letter, her name on the envelope – somehow solidified her place as a Shepherd grandbaby, Derek's mother's beautiful scroll, her name written with love – back and forth, she moved her fingertips again for a beat before she looked up._

"It's a Shepherd tradition …," Carolyn smiled proudly. "And now it's your turn," she soothed, her eyes twinkling like she had some kind of secret. "Read at your leisure … save Ruby's for her, you'll know when the time is right … on both accounts," she counseled, draping one arm along Meredith's shoulders.

"Thank you," Meredith sighed, once again comforted by Carolyn's maternal presence, she leaned into her innate heat, this love of a mother. She looked up and smiled, still somewhat mystified by the personal nature of this traditional gift.

_Carolyn pulled the new mother into a hug, swaying with her for a beat of time. The women sighed and their collective giggles filled the foyer before they pulled away, meeting one another's glassy gateways, both glistening and multi-faceted and fully illuminated despite the dim light. The women turned away from one another to find Jyothi and Derek standing together, his arm looped through Ruby's car seat handle …they were a picture, another vision. The baby slept on and through. Meredith smiled … she was ready to go, more than ready to bring Ruby home. _

###

"_Gonna drive you away from the trampling of bustling feet."_

"You okay back there?" Derek called from the front seat. Meredith's breathless giggle filled the car.

"Yep, still okay," she reported with a smile, meeting his bright blue gateways in the rear view mirror. She cackled with a smirk. "We could trade you know," she teased, sucking in a deep breath.

"We could, but I think you're right where you should be," he soothed gently, watching now as her eyes softened around the edges, both bright and playful now against the natural light of the outdoors. "Almost home," he mused, inching the car into the line of traffic for the ferryboat access, the damp sea air infiltrated the car and he took a staggering deep breath of that raw, organic air now, filling his lungs … almost home. "Feels like a lifetime somehow," he sighed wistfully, his eyes roaming over the choppy Elliot Bay, an instinctual smile playing along his face now.

"It does," Meredith reflected. "It really does," she sighed, quite unable to articulate just how much things had changed, but paradoxically stayed the same in the last forty-eight hours.

_Derek crossed over the ferryboat threshold, Meredith's eyes and mind wandered, the vast landscape of gray skies and murky green water swallowing her whole as she lost herself for a beat of time. Derek's cell phone rang out – chirp, chirp – effectively bringing her back. _

"It's Larissa and Peter," he announced, flipping his phone open to engage the speaker setting. He smiled in the rear view, meeting Meredith's eyes when Larissa's melodic voice filled the airways.

"_Derek darling, congratulations!"_ she cooed into the line.

"_Hi-ho daddy-oh!"_ chimed Peter happily, no doubt a ruddy smile playing along his face.

Meredith giggled, for it was always good to hear their voices, listen to their antics and absorb their carefree attitudes. Derek chuckled, his eyes locked on Meredith's still.

"We're all here," he reported happily. "On our way back home from the city," he added, a wistful tone to his voice as he parked the car and turned the ignition off.

"_Larissa, Peter …,"_ Meredith sighed breathlessly, tiny unexpected tears stung her eyes, her voice in a chokehold of it's own making as Derek unclipped his seat belt and turned halfway around in his seat.

"_Oh go on old girl … we heard from Derek here that you did just splendidly,"_ Peter cooed with encouragement.

"I did … you know, Derek reminded me what you told me the first time I met you," she smiled with reflection, meeting her lover's unwavering gaze. She pressed her lips together.

"_And what was that love?"_ Peter asked, the line cracked.

Meredith looked down and watched Ruby sleep for a split-second, her peaceful serenity emitting from her tiny form. "That I was made for this … to have babies," she smiled softly.

"_Yes … hmm, hard to believe we met under those circumstances at all now,"_ Peter mused quietly.

"_And look at us now … all of us, building families at the same time, years after you boys first met,"_ Larissa reflected, her voice soft and billowy_. "Now let us wonder what's in store for our other boys, Owen … and Mark," _she cackled softly.

_The foursome chuckled together for a beat then, each offering a sentiment on the state of Owen and Mark's relationships – their laughter thoughtful and full of hope – sighs of reflection full of thoughts of fishing trips and diapers and first days of school, feelings of longevity and health and prosperity … each party thinking about the future and beyond. _

"It was fate," Meredith declared after a minute, her eyes moving over Ruby's angel baby face.

"_Truer words were never spoken,"_ Peter agreed softly.

"I'll second that," Derek murmured, a reflective smile set along his handsome face.

"_And little Ruby, your own gem … another destiny fulfilled,"_ Larissa offered, no doubt her mind on her own little miracle too.

"She is," Derek answered softly. "She's a dream come true," he murmured with a smile that reached his eyes.

"You're next Larissa," Meredith mused, her mind still set on the future, her hand reflexively falling to her belly before she moved it down to her lap.

"_Three months to go … but who's counting …,"_ Larissa sighed with a resigned chuckle, no doubt a wry, but playful grin plastered to her face.

_The foursome chuckled again, for they had all done their share of counting over the last several months, especially the last few weeks. _

"_Meredith … you'll send some photos of the little gem soon?"_ Peter asked after a moment.

"We will, look for that in the next couple of days," she replied softly, her willingness to _'share'_ the baby becoming easier day-by-day.

"_Okay then lovers, we will … we want to see this little angel for ourselves," _Larissa ordered gently. _"But absolutely call us if you need anything," _she counseled.

"Same goes for you … we'll talk in a few days," Derek answered, holding the phone up to turn back around, the ferryboat slowing down as it approached the dock.

"_Right-oh …good-bye for now," _chimed Peter before he ended the call.

_Derek disconnected the line; his eyes trained on Meredith – she met his gaze and smiled – they were almost home, he turned the key and started the ignition, his mind moving minutes and hours and days ahead now … home, they were almost home, walking through the door with their miracle, it was truly more than he ever imagined. He sighed and shook his head, watching now as Meredith abruptly leaned forward and disappeared from his line of sight._

"Everything all right back there?" he asked without thinking.

Meredith's giggle once again filled the small space; she tilted her head up and dabbed a fresh tissue under her eyes. She raised her brow. "Seriously?" she teased with a smirk.

"Seriously," he grinned like an idiot.

###

"_From you I draw no doubts deep inside." _

Derek rounded the corner and crossed over the property line – _instantly connecting with their homestead, this place that had evolved to mean so much more than an escape_ – still a place of refuge, but not from the ugly in life … just from the hustle, just from the meaningless. For his life had evolved too and in the time since he'd first moved to Seattle and purchased this land, he had found more meaning in life than he ever dreamed possible.

_He was a happy man – no longer plagued by so many of life's evils – and as he drove down the makeshift driveway presently, all he could see was the land of both a rich future and a vivid history that would be made here. _

Curving down and toward the water and the cabin, Derek glanced at the trailer, wondering how long he and Meredith would hold on to that relic, for it was such an iconic, bittersweet reminder of from whence he came – _a reminder of ground zero, of a failed marriage, of true love found, of a mended heart_ – he swallowed hard, for he needed those reminders because for him, the trailer also represented his triumph. He looked away and toward the future, slowly moving the car down and away from those reminders … almost home now. He smiled.

He slowed the car, the earth popped under the tires – _he peeked back, this time his eyes on Meredith, the trailer behind her in the rear view mirror now_ – he focused on his lover, watching her gateways become lighter and even lighter still, she scanned the homestead back and forth – _her eyes as busy as her mind_ – a small beautiful smile appeared along her face and only then did Derek know they were home.

"Welcome home," he whispered, setting the car to park. His eyes found Meredith's; she smiled brightly.

"Welcome home," she breathed with satisfaction and therein that unmistakable life force of peace and tranquility she found here was brought to the forefront of their lives once again.

Derek opened the car door and stepped out and into the wilderness – _he inhaled a cleansing breath of the fresh air – salty, organic, raw_ … everything it ever was and everything it would always be … he was home … they were home. He opened the back door and ducked down to help Meredith out.

"Hi," he smiled as she took his hand and emerged from the car; her small diaper bag slung over her shoulder – _her eyes were bright and green; her hair moved in the wind; the apples of her cheeks, flushed_ – she was a radiant picture of health … a new mother.

"Hi," she sighed breathlessly. "Kiss me," she ordered, stepping forward, she titled her head up, her eyes falling on the bright blue orbs of her lover's eyes and the way they bounced with happiness against the backdrop of the looming Douglas firs.

_He smiled and drew her near – her hot breath colliding with his, he held her there for the briefest of moments, awestruck by her innate beauty and the emotion the homestead conjured up for her – for she had her own share of private emotions that lived here. Smiling, he pushed his hands through her untamed waves, resting his fingers at the base of her skull, his heart quivered – damn, she was beautiful – he inched even closer still, towering over her for a beat before he pulsed his cool lips over hers, once, twice, deepening that kiss on the blessing of the start of their life here – on this land – as a family. _

"I love you … so much," Meredith whispered, her heart on fire, her words carried up and into the wind like a smoke signal, _up, up, up … they were home_.

"I love you too," Derek whispered, his heart on fire, engulfed in those same flames now.

Meredith smiled broadly and fished her keys from the front pocket of her bag – _she held them up, her golden front door key sparkled brilliantly against the bright overcast skies_ – she sighed, remembering once again that day in Negara when Derek had first given the cherished symbol to her – _the promise of a future that was little more than a dream then_ – a dream that miraculously had become their full blown reality.

Derek ducked back inside the car and released the car seat from the lock and latch – _he lifted the seat, sleeping baby and all_ – closing the door behind him, he looped the car seat through his arm, found Meredith's hand and began to walk with her, making their way up the stonework steps, the front door in view … _they were home._

Meredith held the key up and slipped it into the lock, she pushed the door open, the weather stripping squeaked, releasing it's suction. She stepped over the threshold and set the key ring down on the hearth mantle and turned to find Derek. He smiled and closed the door; stepping forward, he walked into the main living area and set the car seat down in the middle of the dining table. Meredith set her bag down too.

_The lover's heaved a collective sigh of relief. Derek draped his arm around Meredith's shoulders as they doted on the sleeping baby for a beat. Meredith turned into the warmth of Derek's embrace, eyes on the baby, the couple swayed in each other's arms, silently blessing their home. For they had done it … they were home and safe and sound … together, just like a dream they'd had both together and apart from one another. Home … home was where the heart was … and their hearts … were right in front of them: Ruby. _

"We made it," Meredith sighed happily, she took a deep breath of the woodsy sweet air – _remnants of burning fires at the hearth, sweet mangos ripening on the sill and pine, long beams of constructed wood_ – sweet and homey and familiar.

"Yeah … we sure did," Derek murmured, his eyes falling on Ruby, the sweet baby dreamt on in her peaceful slumber. He ducked down and kissed Meredith's _perfect-fit_ lips, pulsing for a beat, pulling away only to catch his breath. "I should at least get the food from the car," he breathed with a smile, brushing his lover's hair away from her face. "Why don't you two get more settled –"

"No," Meredith interrupted, pressing a chaste kiss to her lover's lips; he kissed her right back. "We'll wait right here for you ... I'm not moving without you," she kissed his lips again. "We'll take a rest all together in our bed," she ordered softly, facets of her depth on display now as her eyes sparkled.

"Be right back," Derek smirked, pulling away, he pressed one more kiss to her temple, breathing her in as he did.

_Meredith smiled and watched him go – a swoosh of fresh air funneled into the cabin, the door open, their world colliding with the elements outside – time inched forward, she sighed and turned toward Ruby. Carefully, she unfastened the harness straps and lifted the sleeping baby into her arms, melting from her heat. She held their miracle and rocked her, walking slowly around the living room as she did – her eyes falling on the multitude of photographs, snippets in time of their life before Ruby – Wayan, Ketut, Bali, their friends, her pack – she moved through history all the while pressing her lips to the top of the baby's head, breathing in her baby-sweet essence, letting it fill her lungs along with the essence of their home – sweet, earthy, woodsy, baby, baby, baby – she felt warm inside, despite the cooler air. _

Turning, she walked back from whence she came – _spying now the letters from Carolyn as they peeked out from the side pocket of her bag_ – she smiled tightly and crossed the room, the baby sighed in her arms. She heard Derek's footsteps and felt his presence behind her as he closed the door and then turned to find him – _his eyes met hers and he smiled broadly, darting his eyes down to Ruby for a beat_ – before he started to put the food away, moving swiftly at the task, back and forth he went. Meredith pulled the letters free from her bag and smiled down at the sleeping baby.

"Let's put nana's letters away for now," she cooed softly as she began to move across the room. "Let's them right up here where they'll be safe," she sighed, reaching up with some effort, her muscles protesting now, she pulled the survival guide from the high shelf and turned around, Derek was at the sink washing his hands.

Meredith walked forward and Derek turned around, meeting her somewhere in the middle, he cocked his head to the side and smiled. Meredith smiled too and set the baby in Derek's waiting arms. "Welcome home, baby," he cooed softly, pressing a kiss to her soft temple. He rocked her as he walked, she felt lighter than air, but her presence was heavy … lifelong … forever.

"My head's not clear enough for this," she explained after a minute, catching his eyes with hers.

_She set the book down on the dining table, it naturally fell open to reveal her letter, the one she wrote to Derek before she left for Bali. She ran her fingertips along the groove of Derek's name – remembering now how she drafted the letter and sealed it up tight and also how he hadn't read it, but showed up in Darwin anyway – she smiled through her tears and looked up to find her family waiting for her._

"You showed up …," she sighed, still reminiscing; she tilted her head up.

Derek smiled and stepped closer with the baby, draping one arm along Meredith's shoulders as they looked down at the book and her letter from her heart – _that small piece of herself she amassed to him oh so long ago _– his heart shook, probably as much as it did that day all those months ago, when he did indeed show up, finally in all ways: _in mind, body and spirit_.

"I'd still go to the end of the earth for you, you know," he professed with quiet reverence.

"And for Ruby too," she mused softly, setting the two ne letters on top of her older one.

"And for Ruby too," he vowed, holding the baby close, because he would, there was nothing he wouldn't do for this little force of nature.

Meredith closed the book and smiled. "I'll know when the time is right … maybe in a few weeks," she rambled on, full well knowing she would need more clarity to bask in the love inside Carolyn Shepherd's envelope.

She turned and walked slowly back to the bookshelf, Derek close behind her as she reached up and set the book back in its place on the high shelf –_ fatigue gripped her abdomen as she stretched up, up, up _– and then with her feet flat on the floor again, she turned to Derek and the baby. He took her hand in his and they quietly walked _down, down, down_ the hallway to their enclave … their safe and secret place where time would surely stop and the bonding would begin.

###

"_Hush, now sway and fall asleep."_

Satisfied the fire he just started had indeed took hold, Derek lost himself in the heat and beauty of the dark plumes of smoke and the fast licks of the flames now _– watching over the wood as it crackled and hissed and burned, a slow chokehold, both calming and peaceful, yet daring and tenacious _– he glanced at his watch, realizing now that he left Meredith to feed a suddenly hungry Ruby over a half an hour ago and they had yet to resurface.

The rest of the unpacking could be done later he decided now as he picked the last of the bags up and carried them down to their bedroom, promptly setting them on the floor near the door. The quiet engulfed him – _the fire crackled from afar, the fresh burning wood wafted down the hallway and infiltrated their sacred space; life and time were moving on_ – the fire burned in the distance. He turned and walked to the pass through to the nursery, his eyes landing on Meredith's bedside table as he went – _her stacks of pregnancy books already replaced with journals on newborns and the first two years of life_ – he smiled at her hunger for knowledge and quietly walked into the baby's room, his heart skipping a beat once his eyes found his girls.

_Meredith and Ruby sleeping together, despite their arduous tasks – Ruby's eyes closed in bliss as she nursed, Meredith's bright gateways also closed – her head titled up, relaxed against the back of the oversized rocking chair; this comfortable monster of a chair she had insisted on buying (which at the time Derek had deemed too big for the room), except that now as he spied the two of them together – the sea foam green monster only seemed to scream of comfort and peace – a welcome place to bond and sleep and nurse. _

_He chuckled deep inside and let his eyes roam around the peaceful setting – the photos Meredith had framed fit more perfectly now that Ruby was part of the mix – for she would grow up to look at these carefully chosen moments … indelible moments they had before she was born – cherished moments in time with Wayan, the brother she would learn to love – with Ketut, the woman she would also bond with, and her parents, both smitten and saved by this island paradise he hoped she would grow up to appreciate. Unforeseen emotion pinged at his heart then, he longed for the sun and the simplicity the island had afforded them … Meredith was right; Bali always seemed to be calling. _

_His mind narrowly focused on the island now, Derek took a deep cleansing breath and eased himself into tranquility – focusing on the soft tones and filtered light – on her handmade 'gringsing', another reminder of their powerful, life-altering spiritual journey to the island that had saved them both together and apart from one another … this magical place wherein they were free to find and fall in love with one another all over again. It remained true; they were blessed in too many ways to count. _

_Drawn to the serenity he found within the 'gringsing', Derek approached the baby's crib and set his hands upon the smooth teak wood there, smiling at Meredith's attention to detail, he titled his head to the side and looked at the tapestry from an angle more akin to laying down – and therein it was the ribbons of the rice terraces that caught his attention – they wrapped around and around, reminding him of those terraces right outside the retaining wall of their suite in Ubud, bright Kelley green laced with rich, ancient soil … it was whimsical and he was captivated by the simple complexity of the design – seeing now that Meredith had paid attention to this viewpoint as well – for she knew the baby would first come to see the world from this vantage point. _

_Righting his head, he took a lasting deep breath and tore himself away from the island keepsake, turning once again to focus on the task at hand – maybe return some of the phone calls they had received in the last day and a half – surely he could make himself useful whilst the girls rested. Without a sound, he turned away from the crib; his eyes fell on Meredith's … she had been watching him._

"Hi," she whispered, her eyes sleepy, her heart and soul at peace, her eyes darted down to Ruby, fast asleep at her breast.

Derek crossed the small space and sat down on the ottoman across from his lover. He smiled, doting on the baby for a beat. "She's getting pretty good at that," he mused softly.

"Hmm," Meredith yawned and then giggled. "Makes me sleepy too … hard work I guess," she smiled, meeting Derek's gaze somewhere in the middle, the aura of _'them'_, swooping into the room, swirling all around them now as she gently released Ruby's oral hold on her nipple.

"I guess so … here, I'll take her," Derek offered, holding his hands out – _Meredith carefully handed the baby to him _– one hand on her heavy head, the other on her tiny tush. "Seems her diaper is still okay," he reported, holding the baby close to his chest now, he kissed the top of her soft head, breathing her in while he waited for Meredith as she fastened her maternity bra and buttoned her peasant blouse up_. _

She looked up and smiled when she was finished. "Naptime," she murmured with a sleepy smile as she stood – _taking Derek's free hand in hers_ – she swayed on her feet, her eyes suddenly fatigued, her body exhausted, for it was true, breast feeding somehow wore her out.

"Naptime," Derek agreed.

Retreating now with his girls to the master bedroom, Derek first moved to Meredith's side of the bed where he held the covers back for his lover, accepting a kiss from her first – _her hand meeting his at the base of the baby's skull_ – she pulsed her lips over his before moving down to press a tiny impression upon Ruby's sweet temple, smiling now as she slipped in between the cool linens and closed her iron-heavy eyes –_basking in the quiet darkness almost – _she heard Derek chuckle and listened as he shuffled to his side of the bed.

A swell of energy encapsulated her then, one that helped her open her eyes one last time – _watching with keen interest as he expertly swaddled the baby and situated her on the middle of the bed_ – to which Meredith responded by rolling to her side, for the protective stance of a mother was already hers. Derek followed suit, his eyes meeting hers for the briefest of moments until she finally acquiesced and let him go … for now.

_Once closed, Meredith's eyes strained to see – her world was black and dreamless, blackest than the blackest black, velvety and smooth and endless – no storms on the horizon, no sun high in the sky either … just black and warm and peaceful … eyes closed tight against the world moving all around her – eyes closed and vulnerable and full of trust – until what remained was the need for sleep … only that very deep sleep a new mother truly needed. _

_And so there she stayed – this new mother, her eyes closed against all of the ugly in the world, her protective stance still upheld, even now, even still as her miracle baby slept inside the crescent of her body – yes, all was how it should be … eyes closed tight with only her sights set on beautiful dreams – the dreams she would now make for her infant daughter – the endless hopes and dreams of a natural born mother._

_And then just like so many times before – Bali was there on the horizon – no tolerance for the blackest of blacks … true to form the island appeared in the shape of a dream and therein shutters of the beautiful safe haven marred with tragedy once again swirled around in Meredith Grey's mind, an ode to this paradisaical spot on earth that had saved her so many times already that she simply had lost count. _

_Visions of Wayan's impervious peace filled her heart now and his energy overwhelmed her capacity to covet his love and inside this dreamscape, her mind floated to that one remarkable night – this night that solidified her longevity with Derek – the night that 'Meri House' became a reality, yet another dream come true … she was so in love it hurt. _

_She was full of love. Maxed out. At capacity. And yet she had more room. Her heart was bigger. Bigger than she ever imagined. Suddenly big enough to house her undying love for her newborn baby._

_And there inside __this__ moment inside __this__ dream, Meredith found those mystical bright green eyes she had dreamed of countless times already – always a close up, always bright and carefree and multi-faceted, full of peace and oneness and newness – for those eyes of her then unborn child had repeatedly resurfaced whenever her heart teetered on breaking with love for those around her … Derek and her boy … Derek, Derek, Derek._

_Tears stung her eyes now, the beautiful dream flirting with her reality – her mind vacillating for a beat – the bright green eyes, the sticky heat in Ketut's kitchen, the wild love plastered all over Derek's face, the way her heart beat, the way his beat under her palm – she was full that night, her heart at capacity, even then … but somehow the love that consumed her heart for Derek Shepherd (the greatest love she'd ever felt) paled in comparison to the love she harbored for their love-baby._

_Her heart shook; a fever-chill pricked her skin and effectively woke her up – jarring her awake, her eyes popped open – where she was immediately met with Derek's endless, cloudless ocean-blue gateways. She smiled and so did he. _

"Welcome back," he whispered without making a move.

"Thanks," she replied with her same soft smile.

_She watched her lover then as he finally closed his tired eyes – a smile etched along his handsome face as he did – he took a deep breath, perhaps in an effort to still his heart or adjust it for size. _

"Derek?" she prompted after another minute.

"Hmm," he sighed and opened his eyes, _sparkling, twinkling, sleepy still. _

"Do you remember that night in Ketut's kitchen_ – the night of 'Meri House'_ – the night you told me how you loved me so much … it hurt, how full of love you are for me …," she sighed breathlessly, her heart on fire with big love, her eyes wide open and awake now.

"Yeah, I do …," he answered softly, his voice cracking around the edges, his heart giving out all over again.

"Well _that_ love has nothing on this … on her …," she sighed heavily. "I … can you … can you believe she's here? Our baby … my heart hurts, our baby Derek," she breathed through her untamed emotion. "Yours and mine," she sighed and shook her head in disbelief, despite her stretching heart, she raised herself up on one elbow, her free hand moving through Ruby's soft baby locks.

"Yours and mine … it's all I can see in her … it's us," he whispered, also balancing up on one elbow, he leaned over the sleeping baby to get to his woman. "I love you," he said simply, completely_ full_ of love and truth and honestly.

"I love you too … everything is so clear now … you're all I see … you and Ruby … you're all I see," she mused, locking wide-open eyes on her lover, on this man who had captivated her heart from the moment she first met him.

_And there the lovers stayed for a long moment – basking in the innate power of 'them' – of their tenacity to test their fate and fulfill their collective destinies, their energy of big love only interrupted now by the breathless sigh of their miracle baby – wherein the doting mother looked down – only to see the pair of wide open green eyes she had dreamed of staring back at her … with quiet awe. _

"_Your eyes are wider than before … so little has changed but your eyes now see much more."_

_###_

_So, there you have it … the end of the beginning. _

_I hope you found joy within this story, you have to know by now that this was an introspective piece for me – this 'epfic', well, it's a paradox in its own making – and somehow when I read through it now, it transports me back to a time when there was very little light in my life … the loss of a mother, I don't know, it somehow graduated me into … another sphere, another plane where there is this ongoing gaping hole that's missing from the future. Of course, no one can tell the future, but it's hard to accept that this one influence, this one piece of my life will always be missing … in the future._

_Hard to explain … but writing this story and its sequel … it helped … it distracted me … it kept me from falling apart (well, writing and of course my husband's always-open arms and the light that constantly shines from within our daughters' eyes). _

_Anyway, ramble aside; I hope you also found something you were looking for whilst you read this story and that maybe your eyes are wide open now too. _

_Thanks for reading. If you never felt compelled to leave a comment, now would be a good time to try. I'll start posting the sequel, __**"I Can See Clearly Now"**__, next week – it's different and new and fresh and fun – and I can't wait. _

[I m g ] h t t p : 0 / / i 6 4 2 . p h o t o b u c k e t . c o m / a l b u m s / u u 1 4 9 / l o l a c o a s t e r / i c a n s e e c l e a r l y . j p g [ / i m g ]

_Lastly, if you remove every space from the link above and paste into your browser, a signature should come up … check it out and by all means, let me know what you think! Thanks again Happy New Year! _


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